What Grief Feels Like At The One Year Mark - Grief Guilt, Looking For Signs, Coping With Loss...

It's been one year since my sister Naomi died & if you're watching this video grieving or in anticipatory grief or just to learn about how grief is - I'm grateful you're here, sorry if you're part of this club and I'm sending genuine love if you're hurting right now. It still feels as unreal to type that my sister died as it did one year ago; this year has been horrific in many ways - one step forward and 5 steps back, physical pain and being unable to feel present or if I ever will feel any genuine happiness without the stab of the person I most want to share that with. Along with real highs, amazing moments that I have to be grateful for.
I hope this reaches someone it helps; all experiences are my own from a grieving sister so please be kind in the comments - this is all about opening up a really vulnerable state which is grief so we don't have to hide it in the shadows. It's bringing our loved ones to life by speaking about them, honouring them in how much we miss them and creating a community where we can share these thoughts and feelings.
Lots of love to you SJ xx

[@lucyrandall3487]

Being the sibling left feels like a floating piece of paper with a small 1 of 2 at the corner. No one knows that loneliness but I hear you. You will always be a sister.

[@standup2982]

I often think of you, you just pop into my head. One year, wow - time flies by. I’m so very proud of you. One day, or hour at a time. Sending my love ❤❤

[@SJ_Strum]

Yes it's very small steps, thank you for thinking of me and us xx

[@standup2982]

@@SJ_Strum ❤️❤️ xx

[@Ragdollcatlover]

I heard that when people ‘come through’ from the other side, it’s hard for them to do so it’s usually fleeting. My friend lost her mum when she was still relatively young and she kept saying ‘I wish I could have a sign she is there’. Then suddenly, she kept hearing a song that meant a lot to her mum over and over in all different situations. I do believe in a spiritual after life. Thinking of you SJ.xx

[@lkenyon24]

Your sister would be so proud of you ❤ xx

[@SJ_Strum]

Thank you; I hope she is - it's so hard without her x

[@lkenyon24]

I’m sure she’s watching over you …the best guardian angel 👼 stay strong xxx

[@mandyjackson6894]

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful sister SJ. You will see her again one day. She will give you the strength to carry on without her. You are going to make it through life and your husband, children and family will be there for you. Death will never win because love carries on. God bless you and God bless your beautiful sister Naomi. Sending, light and healing prayers to you and Naomi's husband and children ❤❤🙏🙏

[@OksanaChristie]

Thinking of her always, grief doesn’t disappear, but it does manifest itself in different ways, sometimes beautiful sometimes unbearable.

[@ntandosekay]

Thank you for such wise words❤ I lost my only sister almost 20yrs ago. Without her, my life has gotten harder every time a challenge visits my life. She always had answers to the toughest of situations. My mother passed almost 4 yrs ago & left a lot of unfinished mess. Dealing with this mess has made grieving for my sister's life.

[@jadefoley15]

Thank you for sharing this with your community. I lost my brother last July, aged 30, very suddenly when his car was hit by a motorbike. He would have been 31 on Friday last week. I took hope this will have been the worst year of my life, my family's lives, because it's just horrendous. I have a one year old so I don't feel like I've had the chance to process his death in the way I would have if I wasn't a Mum because there just isn't a moment to let it all out. I worry it'll hit me later in life. Coming up to his year anniversary is making me more and more emotional. My brother was buried in a beautiful burial ground with no headstone either, but his accident was on the junction to our family home, where there has always been a black and white post in the ground, which has become a memorial for him now. He always wore a cap and there is one on the top of the post, which makes me feel like he's looking over us every time we have to use the junction. I miss him so much, but most of all in my grief, I am so frequently upset by what my little boy won't experience with him because he's died. Ryan was the best uncle, would have been the best Dad 💚 His beautiful dog also died in the accident with him, Jip, but we're so fortunate to have her ashes which we buried with Ryan and have had put into some memorial jewellery too. Thank you for giving me a space to share this ❤️

[@standup2982]

I’m so sorry for your loss, that is so sad. Sending love ❤

[@SJ_Strum]

I also feel the loss of how much they will lose because of their auntie not being here; and of course even more her little girls - it's incomprehensible - just small steps and I feel a big wish to keep her alive while gutted I can't just have kept her. It's very unfair and I can imagine the shock must have been torturous, there's not much about sibling grief and grieving while parenting but I know your one year old will understand one day and will feel extremely close to your brother in a way their relationship will be so different, and hopefully they will always remember the stories and that person. Sending so much love xxxx

[@helloworld7944]

Im glad you posted this, I’ve been worried about how you’ve been doing. Grief lasts forever, and sometimes it takes a while to process after the first year, once the shock and adjustment wears off. Im so sorry 😢💔

[@SJ_Strum]

Thank you; I’m so sorry too, it’s such a huge sadness to bare x

[@lizaroberts9167]

My 29 year old niece passed away suddenly on January 28th from a massive stroke - yesterday was the 4 month anniversary and I still feel that we are all in shock

[@standup2982]

I’m so sorry for the loss of your niece. Sending love ❤

[@SJ_Strum]

That is so hard; I can imagine the loss feels new every day with it being so sudden. Sending so much love to you and I hope anything in here helped you xx

[@lizaroberts9167]

@@SJ_Strum thank you -- I could so identify with the feelings that you have been experiencing - thank you so much for being brave enough to do this video -- your beloved sister is so very proud of you as she watches over you from above! Much love from Toronto, Canada!!

[@emmacahill5502]

Ask your dear sister for signs and she will bring them. I always have dreams of loved ones who passed and even random people come visit me . She absolutely 100% is there in spirit on another realm. This 3D reality can be unbearable at times but just know she is there right beside you. And you will unite with her again. Sending so much love xxx

[@RoseTylerxx]

I do believe in 'signs' very much. On the day of my Grandma's memorial service, a robin appeared in the churchyard when my Dad and Aunties were waiting outside to enter with the vicar. My Grandma had a love for robins, so I'm certain that the robin was her, letting us know she was okay and she knew we were all there to remember her-we lost her in December 2022. I lost my Nannan in early 2017, and I married my husband just over 18 months later-my Nannan's wedding ring is actually my wedding ring and I wore her necklace on that day-and that gave me amazing comfort. It was such a beautiful day weather wise and I honestly believe that was down to her and my Granddad-I definitely felt her presence, possibly because of the necklace. One year is a milestone, but I'm sure your sister is watching you and would be so proud xx

[@SJ_Strum]

These signs are so special; I hope one day we look back with knowledge they were all there for us, and I truly think in those signs we send them a sign that we're thinking of them too xx

[@emialice3825]

Can’t believe it’s been a year already. Been thinking about you and Naomi a lot because my aunty has just recently been diagnosed with terminal bowel cancer spread to her liver 😔 💗

[@SJ_Strum]

Oh No; I’m so sorry you’ve had that diagnosis. I hope she gets good treatment that she feels well on; it’s the hardest of times xxxx

[@amym976]

I’m a year and a half out from losing my dear dad after he got MND. The first year was unreal, like you said. Looking back I felt quite dissociated, it almost felt like nothing happening was real. The remembering he was gone would come round and hit me like a sledgehammer at random times. Lots of tears. I found maintaining relationships very difficult, very hard to manage stress. It’s calmed down for me at this point. It does seem a state of being that calms down with time. Sending love

[@SJ_Strum]

Yes you explain that so well; like it’s happening but in another room: sending love x

[@joanna2627]

I lost my mum in law almost to the day you lost your sister, to cancer also. It's hard hitting all those first anniversaries, first birthdays without her, Christmas, mother's day etc remembering back just a year earlier when she was here. We miss her so much and wish the kids had more time with her 😢

[@SJ_Strum]

The milestones are very hard, it’s always happy because they lived and impossibly sad because they aren’t there; sending so much love x

[@sharonbarker7448]

Grief that has not yet come up can cause panic attacks alongside the trauma of what happened.

[@amessina4333]

I think of you and your sister frequently, and fondly. I’m sure the milestones feel a bit like plucking the scab off a poorly healing wound. I’m so sorry for that pain, both mental and physical and am sending you loving, healing, peaceful, and fortifying vibes. ❤️

[@Ambivlaent]

I can’t imagine losing my only sister 😢 as the oldest hopefully I never have too. Thank you for sharing ❤️

[@lizzim8352]

I lost my Dad when I was a young child and I’m in my thirties now. I certainly would change him dying if I could and it has framed my life entirely probably. I have always known that I am part of a club. Call it parent loss, call it losing someone before their time etc but I sometimes feel that we walk through life with a deep level of empathy that others can’t understand. I have always felt my experience of grief and my empathy will make a difference to someone or some people someday- I’m just still figuring out how to channel that. How great that you are doing that just by sharing. It’s such a sad club to be in but certainly, we are not alone and it does provide gifts as we go onwards. I welcome the grief and love as one and the same in my saddest times. Standing beside you ❤

[@SJ_Strum]

I so agree, it's a different level of life experience and not one we'd like to live in. I've not got to a point of finding meaning in it yet and I honestly don't think I will; I know I'll always wish it didn't happen; and we'll always have to live wondering what life would have been like with them - but also living with it in a positive way by empathising and I'm standing beside you too - it means a lot as well xxx

[@evieartsandcraftlover1079]

You’ve made it through the hardest moments now . The anniversaries are always physical in the lead up. Without me even realising I am off physically every year since my mum passed 9 yrs ago, and my close friend 8 yrs ago. Our 5th baby passed away at 5&1/2 months gestation this year and I’m dreading the first anniversary. I’ve never cried so hard and deeply in my life and every moment I think of him it feels wrong he isn’t with us . Hard days are ahead still , I know it comes back on the first anniversary.

[@SJ_Strum]

That is so so hard; I can imagine being you’re counting the days: please let yourself feel it all - advise I’d give myself but I know how physically hard and mentally hard it is to go there xxx

[@john.hughes]

I never knew either of you, but the way you both jelled in such a natural and intellectual way, it felt like how could this person die. Unfortunately, everything in life is temporary and for some people even more so... it does feel very unfair, and indeed it is. This is not a fair world but her legacy will continue to live on and part of that will be through your channel.

[@sarab1488]

Sending so much love SJ ❤️

[@ntandosekay]

Thank you SJ for sharing this moment with us. Sending you loads of love & light. ❤❤❤❤🌹🌹🌹

[@paulathomas9720]

Thank you for sharing about your grief. Learning about self compassion from Kristin Neff and Tara Brach helped me through a really tough time, and changed my life really. Sending lots of love ❤

[@MamaJonesie]

Your sis was such a beautiful girl, my heart goes out to you SJ. I still can’t imagine how hard it must be for you and your family even today. Sending so much love ❤️

[@SJ_Strum]

She was so so lovely; it feels unreal to have to do life without her. I go to message her every day, I hope she knows she’s so loved x

[@Lily-br5ul]

Thank you for these videos. Your sister really would be so proud. I'm really struggling to find a community. My mum passed away 21 years ago when I was 11. I only started my grief journey last year when I found out through talking therapy that I didn't grieve at all at the time, so it's really painful, physical grief still as it's very fresh, even though it happened so long ago. I also have a two year old so the grief guilt part makes so much sense to me. Also constantly being told how strong I am.. wow I'm glad I'm not the only one who finds that really difficult. Thank you again for this video xx

[@SJ_Strum]

I'm so grateful to hear your experience as I think so much grief is delayed and I often think when we become mothers it's when a lot more of life feels raw and real; I'm sorry it's all coming out now but also that love you have for your baby and feeling that love she had for you - it's tough but carry it as a torch xx

[@serenadm6619]

Thank you for the update,

[@user-pz7hm2ni2t]

❤to you SJ! Comfort from people who understand grief and comforting people whose grief you understand can be very healing.

[@SJ_Strum]

I've found it the most helpful part of my whole year when I finally found that; it's so hard to talk about grief but also I do believe it's so important x

[@Carlyayi]

Hello SJ, thank you for sharing your experience. Naomi was such a brilliant person from listening to the podcasts and KZbin back in the day. You two had such a laugh together. I really feel for you. I'm in week 2 of new grief and it's so physical. Exhaustion, aches, pains, as well as the loneliness in parenting little kids while coming to terms with losing one of my favourite people. Finding people who understand helps. Without a doubt there have been signs, like explicit signs that have no other explanation so I'm a new believer! Sending my love ❤

[@SJ_Strum]

Ah I'm so sorry you're here in grief but I also love the signs, I've had so many and who knows; I had a lot at the beginning. They always made me feel so comforted and close xx

[@Mama_Mia_emma_]

Sending you and your family so much love xxx

[@LeoraSims]

I watched your first video about grief right after your sister''s passing. May she rest in peace. The video made me cry, and helped at the same time. I lost my father in late March of the same year. It was very sudden. He is my best friend. I'm sorry for your loss, you are not alone. Thank-you for making videos on this topic.

[@SJ_Strum]

I can imagine that was such a shock and it takes a huge toll over all of the rest of our lives; sending love. I'm so so sorry you lost him, xxx

[@LeoraSims]

@@SJ_Strum Thank-you so much.

[@sammymoonpie8264]

Thankyou for being so honest and open with your experiences ❤❤❤

[@SJ_Strum]

Thanks Sammy, it's a hard thing to talk about but I know a year ago I was desperate to hear how I'd feel in a years time so it's going to be important to capture these milestones xxxxxx

[@danaology.]

Sending lots of love. I feel like this past year has flown by, but it probably hasn’t for you and your loved ones. Thank you for sharing the side of grief that isn’t talked about enough ❤

[@SJ_Strum]

I honestly can't believe it's been a year; Naomi is very present for me every day, I hope that doesn't go away x

[@deborahunsworth3326]

Love and thoughts are with you. It was one year since my mam passed on Monday. Still doesn’t feel real x

[@standup2982]

I’m so sorry for your loss ❤

[@SJ_Strum]

Love and thoughts with you too; it's like they are still at the end of the phone and sometimes I even go to ring her when I'm sad about her then realise she's not there, such a tough tough year. Thanks for messaging, it feels better not to be alone as awful as it is xxx

[@Bernie61dee]

My son passed 4 years this November feom brain cancer. Its honestly not getting any easier. I miss him so much. Tears every day

[@SJ_Strum]

That’s so unbearable, I’m sure he knows how loved he is and I hope the days get easier somehow xxx

[@john.hughes]

Horrendous to hear. Life can be so cruel. I hope you can still try to find gradually more joy as time goes on. Reach out to anyone supportive if you need to

[@teresaann7773]

I am so sorry for your loss. I know your sister would be so very proud of you and all that you are accomplishing, even while climbing the mountain of grief that her passing has left behind. I am Still struggling after years. I battled cancer, then immediately after my last treatment, I lost my dear mother. During four years, I lost not only my mother, but 3 of my closest friends to cancer, then my dad to heart ailments. I feel survivors guilt, and just plain lost most of the time. The first time I went to see a Dr. about it, I told him how sad I felt. He said, " didn't you say that the friend died last week?" Me: "yes" Dr. : "Then you should be over it by now! Stop crying! They're dead and buried! Shutup!" I was appalled! My heart was broken for my friend's little children, and if I was able to just, 'shutup' I would have! I wish you the best life has to offer, dearest S.J. You are a treasure. May God bless you and your family with peace and comfort.

[@SJ_Strum]

I'm so sorry that was your experience at the doctor, it's unreal how grief hits physically and mentally and after your own cancer experience I can imagine that was so brave just to go and talk to someone; they obviously don't know grief. Thank you for such a lovely message, sending love to you xxxx

[@carolinekirkpatrick3497]

So much love to you, SJ!

[@lyndacarter9131]

You take care sending you lots of love. There are definitely signs.

[@thescoffaholic8469]

Sending lots of love ❤

[@lauramiddleton6974]

Naomi would be so proud of you all ❤. Next month will be ten years since I lost my dad to cancer. Still feels like he could just walk into the room. But I've also lost two children unexpectedly at birth and that grief is so very different. Xx

[@SJ_Strum]

I can imagine that feels unbelievably painful, I feel my sister about to walk into a room and I hope it’s then with us and can only hope they are all together somewhere for you xxxxx

[@alisontaylor6135]

Have seen you on This Morning and you came across really, really well. So natural and so knowledgeable. Your videos have been so useful. I wish you hadn't had to make them though and that your sister was still here. Also I love your baby name videos. Sending love xxx

[@lyndacarter9131]

I'm just coming up to a year since my sis passed away 😢 💔just have this heavy feeling constantly in my chest. Its always just a powerful feeling together with peacefulness just thinking of that special bond we had.

[@SJ_Strum]

It's such a special bond. I still take time to be with Naomi - just evenings where I look at her photos and listen to her voice - It's very isolating but also I have to spend that time to remember our bond xx

[@mardjo595]

Saw you on this morning show. Congrats! I'm sure your sister would be proud.

[@SJ_Strum]

Ah thank you; I think she was so proud! I had both times a little sign from her in my own mind - a personal story came up - it was very special x

[@jannahnicholson9844]

I'm coming up on 10 years since my big brother died. The pain of the loss has faded a lot in the last handful of years. The absence is and always will be there, but the wrack your whole body, can't breathe for crying pain is mostly gone. Someone no one told me was that the second year can be as bad (or worse than) the first year. I'm the first year I was just kind of in survival mode and bracing myself for all the firsts. The second year it hit hard that this was just how life was going to be now and I wasn't ready or braced for any of the seconds so it knocked me on my ass. I know that might sound discounting, but I mean it as a kindness to not be totally blindsided by it... Also, be extra gentle with yourself when you get older. My brother lived for 9,055 days (a tattoo I have to always remember not to take a day for granted) so I know to the day when I passed him. It's a really weird and emotional thing so line up some extra supports for yourself ❤️ I don't know if it's an American thing, a local thing, or a family thing, but someone told me that anytime you see a cardinal it's a loved one coming to visit. I don't believe that's true personally, but every time I see one it makes me think of him and I smile so I fully understand those little signs and signals that remind us of all the good and lovely things we get to cherish for having known them.

[@SJ_Strum]

Thank you for this message, I'm already counting the days until I know I've outlived her and I live so many moments with her in my mind - days of our children's special moments and how she carried on so courageously I'll never know but I hope she did it because she knew how loved she was and is. Sending love to you and our siblings in the sky; one day to hug again x

[@amay4203]

It never stops being a punch in the gut to remember what happened to someone so kind and loving. Thank you for talking about your experience and sister ❤ I’m so sorry you feel you are wrong for being sad or grieving. You need to give yourself the love you would give others. Your feelings are allowed to take up space ❤ For the signs, I completely believe in those. They’re so common across all cultures, it can’t be a coincidence with so much evidence

[@alisonridout]

Sending much love SJ ❤xxx

[@micagrana5331]

Awe SJ ❤❤❤ Sending love xxx

[@sandrayoung336]

Sending big hugs to you lovely 🥰 x

[@dollyrocker40]

Grief is a strange one I lost my dad and really went into a bad place as I already had ptsd I suffer with bad panic attacks also I used to wake up with this strange nightmare it been tough I totally get what you are going through it changes your life forever Also I wear a elastic band that I flick on my wrist when I panic Take it easy on yourself your beautiful sister is always with you energy never leave the planet there always with us xxxfaye xxx. Spirits are always near us I truly believe that remember your sister is half your dna she’s living on in you. Also my partner lost his sister 3 weeks ago she was 58 and had lymphoma she got told March 2024 then went hospital and didn’t come out her older parents who are 80s are absolutely devastated. Obviously but my husband hasn’t even cried yet his just shocked. It was only the 2 siblings Also we let a Chinese lantern 🏮 up over the sea where we live. In Cornwall it was so lovely he wrote a special note on it to polly. But still no tears it’s like he wants to cry but can’t 🥹

[@SJ_Strum]

I get that - the pain is very difficult to delve into. I'm so happy he has you; it's the loneliest type of pain. I'm so sorry you're likely feeling things again too xxx

[@ca147]

❤️🙏🕊️

[@greendoorsoundbath8694]

All my love always SJ! My videos are there for you if you ever need it xoxo big hug to you

[@sandradolls5682]

Giant hugs xxxxxx

[@jacquelinetweedy6869]

❤❤❤

[@debbiesmith8523]

Pray,

[@brandyyoung629]

My mother-in-law passed last week after 4.5 years with pancreatic cancer. She died 3 years after my father-in-law.

[@artvid-1915]

I've dealt with light headedness and dizziness due to anxiety and it's the worst 🥲 My anxiety always manifests physically its just salt in the wound

[@SJ_Strum]

I've never had it before; it's such a new feeling and glad it's not just me xx

[@sunshine-bs2jx]

❤❤❤❤❤

[@LisaRobinson-bk3yv]

I hope you are ok

[@TheDogPooPro]

😢❤

[@anneanne6077]

SJ you grieved your sister because she died I had to grieve my whole family 15years ago and they're all still alive.... 😢😢 I can't even begin to convey to you the horrific pain of having to grieve someone while they're still alive because they have done something sooo horrific that your heart mind and soul communicate to one another that these persons are now dead to you and YOU the human now have to go through that pain .... 😢😢😢 My family went from being my absolutely everything to being nothing more than estranged neighbors you were never close to you anyway who moved many years ago and now they every so often cross your mind 😢😢 and the pain that comes with realizing who these people WERE to me at one point 😢😢😢 is unbearable, its like a movie you once watched as a child that GOT YOU soooo personality emotionally and mentally and then not watching it for about 20 years and then watching it for the first time again, its kind of like that 😢😢

[@leighbrown9423]

I can relate

[@SJ_Strum]

I get you; I truly understand that pain - one day your family isn't there anymore for things outside your control. I've lived it and Naomi was my person because of it - sending love xxx

[@jvgl2024]

“Hurt people, hurt people” I think is unknown trauma that you carry, and you don’t realise you’re hurting people. Whereas you sound like you fully understand your trauma, you are taking care of yourself and explaining it to the people around you. So I don’t think you are hurting people.

[@SJ_Strum]

Thank you; it's such a hard state to live in grief, I appreciate that xxx

[@joannesaunderson4506]

❤❤❤