Is marriage the foundation of society? || Motherhood In Progress

[@emilyboulter5978]

I co-lived with my husband for five years before we got married, and it does feel different. We both didn’t feel a pressure to get married right away because we both felt very secure in our relationship. After being married, I have noticed that I feel more comfortable making long term decisions and it feels like we are building a life together instead of just being roommates that are in a relationship.

[@sophiej1987]

I totally relate and agree.

[@dianaquill9969]

I'm glad that you beat the statistic, but cohabitation is associated with so many failed long-term relations that they've dubbed it the 'cohabitation effect.' It's not good to suggest it across the board.

[@sophiej1987]

@@dianaquill9969 haha, they didn’t suggest anything though. They just gave their experience of living together before and after getting married and how marriage positively changed their relationship/long term security.

[@dianaquill9969]

@@sophiej1987 You should read about how to influence people. Social proofing is a common and easily spotted method of convincing people.

[@MarioMario-vy4bi]

I don’t think cohabitation is the cause of failed relationships but it’s correlated with failed relationships.

[@eolill]

If you ask me, lower rates of marriage is not the cause, it's one of the symptoms of a less connected community/society and greater loneliness.

[@Dubbadizzo86]

That, and the elephant in the room, which is that men get absolutely destroyed by divorce, which society treats as funny. "Oh she took half your money, took the kids, demands alimony and child support and usually gets it, and the house, which he is still paying for, all because she "wasn't happy in the marriage? Haha dude!" Gee, it's such a mystery.

[@Bloombaby99]

​@@Dubbadizzo86 Oh, and let's not forget all the fun women are having being blamed for men treating them like shit and using them as breeders and leaving them to raise children by themselves all while calling them "whores" and "sluts" and saying they're worthless for giving birth. Oh, and sexual abuse in all its forms. Let the good times roll! 🙄

[@Bloombaby99]

The fact of the matter is people suck and it really isn't worth it anymore. I say don't have kids at all unless you're married, willing, and prepared.

[@andygotthebass6525]

@@Dubbadizzo86that really doesn’t happen as much as you believe

[@Dubbadizzo86]

@@andygotthebass6525 Happened to my father when I was 6. So...

[@bri3382]

even in a two parent home, with today's economy a lot of parents have to work more/longer hours just to survive, taking further time away from being with their child

[@NoctLightCloud]

tbh many people have expectations to travel 2~3x by plane per year. At least here in Europe. Since when has that become the standard?

[@chelseashurmantine8153]

The way I see this talked about in the media, they frame it as a cause, and not an effect. This is 100% an effect of a different cause. It’s really problematic when people frame peoples’ choices as a cause of the issues in society rather than as a response to the larger issues present in the society

[@prouddegenerates9056]

Culture and tradition are just solutions to problems, we had long forgotten.

[@hydratejsn]

​@@prouddegenerates9056 we haven't forgotten, they largely ceased to exist. If they still existed, it wouldn't be possible to abandon the solution in the first place.

[@Bloombaby99]

@@prouddegenerates9056 Add in the fact that a lot of elderly people who kept everything and everyone together have passed on so there's less of that familial bond.

[@skylinefever]

​@@prouddegenerates9056tgere are no solutions, only tradeoffs.

[@bestgrill9647]

It isn't problematic. It's a different point of view. Different points of view aren't problematic. It's common in sociology and economics to have theories going from individuals to society and theories going from society to individuals. In economics theres is even "microeconomics" (study the economy as the result of individual choices) and "macroeconomics" (study the economy as a big system itself that influences individual choices) as two big macroareas. Things intertwine of course. But, ye, it's really common to see both points of view - nothing wrong with either of them.

[@Behappy4ever-i7y]

Thanks for acknowledging that a two parent household with one abusive parent is always worse than a single parent home. That is very true.

[@edwinchung6420]

I mean a whole generation of the Hood would say otherwise lol....

[@Behappy4ever-i7y]

@@edwinchung6420 What do you mean? Are you saying that people in certain neighborhoods would want an abusive two parent home instead of a non-abusive one parent home? Hmmm.... Have you lived with an abusive parent?

[@zachanikwano]

🙋🏽‍♀️🙋🏽‍♀️

[@MarioMario-vy4bi]

How common are abusive parents?

[@Behappy4ever-i7y]

@@MarioMario-vy4bi Pretty common. I don't know, My dad was abusive and I grew up wishing they would get a divorce.

[@nagisa9147]

I was raised in a true single parent household. My mom had a greater community when I was an infant, but as I got older her circle grew smaller and smaller... by the time I was a teenager we were extremely isolated. It made growing up with her extremely difficult, not to mention she was also working through her own traumas from childhood and adulthood. I don't really blame anyone, nor am I angry. It just sucks because I have no friends that understand my situation, at all. However, I do feel strong, and I am unlearning a lot of things. I hope I can do better for my community, whether that's a biological family or something else.

[@hydratejsn]

"I don't have friends that understand" This is a big one for me too. My family history is as unstandard as can be and I think it causes trouble in my relationships with people. But as I grow older I realise it can be a blessing too, since I have less biases and see some things more clearly, if that makes sense

[@tiahnarodriguez3809]

@@hydratejsn I feel exactly as you.

[@NoctLightCloud]

I had one friend who after YEARS told me she didn't have the feeling that I understand her. I am not a mind reader nor a psychologist. You expect waaaay too much of people. Everyone is dealing with their own inner demons. And if we downplay sth and you interpret it as gaslighting or toxic positivity, keep in mind that we aren't psychologically educated to realize that you were in that moment trying to open up to us. We have no clue, unless you clearly tell us what your intention is.

[@nagisa9147]

@NoctLightCloud I never said any of that, though? Maybe your situation with your friend was different, but I distinctly said I felt misunderstood and blamed nobody. Being misunderstood is merely an experience that I had to work through. I have never resented anyone or expected special treatment for others not being able to relate to my less common family situation, lol

[@NoctLightCloud]

@nagisa9147 sorry then! I missunderstood your comment. It just triggered sth in me because I try to be empathetic towards others.

[@Arnirien]

Also note that many disabled folks in USA risk access to needed benefits if they marry. Super frustrating and unjust

[@chelseashurmantine8153]

Totally

[@DefinetelyNotAnAlien]

I'm a non-American disabled person and recently had to look up your marriage laws + disability benefits for a project. I cannot even put into words how shocked this makes me! Absolutely insane!

[@HarryClipzFilmz]

Do you lose disability benefits if you marry?

[@Arnirien]

@@HarryClipzFilmz In USA it depends on several factors but often yes

[@knitwitchpgh]

My friend literally has been engaged for years and had a non legal wedding because her partner who is disabled would loose his free state insurance and hers wont cover his existing conditions

[@HottyFroggy33]

I would have much rather grown up with just my mom than my dad being included in that situation. My dad got into drugs and alcohol because he slowly started realizing that the married life wasn’t for him.. Later on, he started physically abusing my mother and my brothers. I’m super proud of my mother leaving. So, no, having both parents in the household isn’t always a good thing. But I do agree if beneficial when you’re in a good household. Just wanted to chime in.

[@onward2727]

Sorry you went through that. Sorry for your family It’s worth noting that that is an exception. Husbands/fathers aren’t regularly abusive. The rates are almost equal to wives/mothers That being said, we can rest assured that **generally** two parent households are much better, and when it’s not working, a divorce is much better and much more preferred than either partner acting out in any physically/mentally/emotionally/socially/etc abusive way, and also divorcing preferably without ruining one of the partners (the ex-husband or the ex-wife), for example financially or custodially

[@robbytheartist3997]

​​@@onward2727I agree with @onward2727. Many men are not like this. Sorry that you drew the short straw. My ex wife's father was terrible to her, and caused her to have BPD. The BPD ended up Ultimately contributing to the downfall of our marriage. She refused to get treated out of denial. She couldn't get over the Man hating. #Generational#Curses

[@trinity6180]

You are right. I would like to note that is goes both ways. My daughter’s boyfriend raised his two child as a single parent because mom was into drugs and not maintaining a safe home for the children he has had them since the were toddlers and the are now in high school. On the other hand my daughter raised her children on her own. She tried a second marriage that failed with another child resulting from that. Now her and her boyfriend maintain their own homes with their own children and do things with both sets of children. This has worked well for over two years and it is my belief that because they did not shove their kids into suddenly have new ‘siblings’ they have allowed the kids to become friends. Her children range from 15 to 30 with only 2 of them remaining in her home. They all usually get together to have family fun on Sundays. During the week evenings they have a family group where those that are available play Call of Duty together. At some point they may marry but both adults feel that if they do prior to the kids being out of the house they will move into a new place so none of the kids feel the other set are intruders into their space. It is hard to find someone with the same values and where both people respect the parenting of the other and think of the group as a whole. As an older woman I do not envy the difficult ing young people face in dating these days.

[@High_Rate136]

People, PEOPLE, just because YOU experienced a way of life doesn’t make it the norm. I grew up poor in a single parent household where my parent hopped from abusive relationship to abusive relationship, but ALL of my friends had married parents (their parents are still married too). Then I joined the military and still was surrounded by people who had two parent households but there were more single parent people. Now I am in Uni, and I am again surrounded by people who come from two parent households. The kids who thrive are most of the time from two parent households.

[@High_Rate136]

No, I’m not being a hypocrite. A lot of you are saying, “Oh, my dad or mom was abusive,” so that must be the norm or acting as though because your experience in single parent household was fine, then single parent mess is fine. I am looking at who is thriving, who is succeeding, what is normal? And it is a two parent household. I’m not looking at my singular experience. Some of you are just as bad as those who say eating chocolate everyday must be fine because my grandma lived until 95, and it eats chocolate every day. Exceptions don’t make the rule.

[@Moonpie90]

22:07 husband and I had a short engagement (like 3 months) because we decided to buy a house together - had both been saving and getting engaged triggered the 'lets just have a look' conversation. A friend of mine was with her partner for 15 years (teenagers to 30s) and they owned a house but never married and no kids, when he died she was in a very difficult situation not knowing what she would get and what his family would get. I voiced it while we were dating that I'd never buy a house with someone I wasn't married to, he agreed and we followed through with a microwedding a couple of weeks after we got the keys. Other than security and legalities there aren't many reasons to marry these days

[@iyanutookoo]

Do you think married without kids have a better social life/community?

[@nagisa9147]

I pretty much agree. The only reason I would care to be married is to *legally* deincentivize bad behaviour and to make sure me and my future partner are *legally* taken care of in any situations. There is a religious aspect I *should* care about... but meh lol

[@mandi3891]

Wills should always be updated to match the current situation. Even when me and my partner weren't married, if I had died my apartment would have gone to him thanks to my will.

[@oliviajade3571]

In Australia if you are in a relationship for 5 years or more you become the “defacto” partner. Unless stated in the will of the deceased, automatically it would go to your friend. That’s in Australia so I’m not sure about other countries!

[@natsuds1]

This could all be resolved with a will.

[@trishanichole8440]

I married my husband after spending my 20s with men who I essentially mothered- all domestic, career, and social labors eventually fell on me at various points. I feel lucky to have found my husband after that, right at the end of my 20s, but if I needed to continue dating instead I think it would have taken me well into my 30s before I settled down. I think this is a lot of women's realities. He is the breadwinner and I work from home, but we have a 2 year old together and cohabitate with his parents. I feel like my child's familial privilege was doubled because he basically has 4 parents. I have zero idea how this will impact his development, but you're spot on when you call it a privilege to cohabitate. Despite this, it's still a difficult adjustment to work full time and care for him at home with my MIL, so having more is a scary idea. I don't know how single mothers do it.

[@teresamagnusson]

I'm a single mother with three children. I made sure that I had my own money saved and worked only odd jobs for fifteen years. I went back to work full time just before my youngest turned 7. The older kids got my undivided attention for longer, and used their solid development to help mentor the younger one, this making up for the time she is losing with me. Still, she had a lot of my attention for the first 7 years of her life. I adore my children and always prioritize them. We are extremely tight knit as a family. The only drawback is that my house is always a mess. I'm cleaning right now.

[@gailainsley6939]

Yes. You are soo lucky indeed. Many guys these days don’t even have their own place.

[@MehOhWell222]

Odds are your child will end up even better off with a healthy understand of not just how parent-child and spousal relationships should be, but also how family should conduct themselves more generally. Only years later do I recognize what a blessing it was to grow up with both my grandfather and grandaunt in the house. They set the standards and provided the support for me that my parents couldn’t. My only regret is I didn’t spend more time with them.

[@izzybennet.t]

My grandparents raised me more than my own parents lol, my friends say I'm way more like my grandparents than my parents (and probably for the best tbh). I think your kid will grow up loved and knowing they have a support network to fall back on, and they won't feel as guilty leaving home because they know they won't be leaving you and their dad alone. At least from my personal experience :)

[@monriatitans]

32:05 "But my last thought on the matter being that if we live in a society that will potentially collapse if not enough people get married, maybe we have more of a problem with the way we're running things and less of a problem with peoples' choices in their love lives."

[@libbybee89]

Ashley hit the nail on the head! Considering many folks with disabilities can't get married due to the certainty of losing their benefits, the problem is absolutely how we run things.

[@hawkgurl1157]

There's way more nuance to marriage than just being partnered up, though. This comment is missing the big picture.

[@LondonMoneyCashEnterprise]

How are we going to raise children without marriage? Can anyone answer this

[@nyashamahleko7007]

​@@LondonMoneyCashEnterprise Other tribes do it everyday.

[@roenlezma9361]

Well, you should review how your US hedonistic capitalist libertian System that praised for non existent liberties and freedom is more preocupied for its geopolitical imperalistic neocolonialist affairs and setting individuals to ruins while hooking you up with sex, drugs, and entertaniment that it's not poisoning your society in your country, but the entire world for the last century.

[@praetorian1877]

In the past raising a child wasn’t that difficult because most family relatives lived lived in the same village. Aunts, sisters, grandparents, and cousins helped the mothers.

[@sonicleaves]

I can see why it changed. No one owes someone else's child their time and attention. It's expecting free baby sitting.

[@IrisSetosa]

From what I have read, wealthier people are more likely to get married and stay married. Working class people are less likely to marry these days so some of your statistics might just be from who is marrying and not because marriage does those things. I have also recently seen a study that shows a big chunk of the birth rate drop is from the drop in teen pregnancies. Those would have been unplanned pregnancies in the past and women don’t go on to have those children later in life. They have the children they would have had in their 20’s and 30’s.

[@Shineynsparkles]

Plus having a teen pregnancy can ruin you financially

[@Mary-Mar]

Yes! I'm glad you said this! Marriage is becoming more of a privilege for people who already have resources be it on their own or familial. Working class people are not interested in "struggle love" and feel they can have the same financial struggles by themselves. Without the headache of a partner who is also struggling, and the financial stress that puts on relationships. Also, yes, the VAST majority of people who were ever born were unplanned, and the teenage mother stat is real. When we started to prefer planning births and teenage girls decided school and getting educated was more important than boys, the birth rate was inevitably going to fall.

[@Shineynsparkles]

@@Mary-Mar but no society wants babies from broken homes …that are messed up ??? Look at the adoption crisis and foster kids situation ??? Having kids ain’t cheap !

[@Mary-Mar]

@@Shineynsparkles technically you are right, but unfortunately, most Western societies need an under class to provide under paid labor. A lot of societies deal with the social and financial ramifications of these "broke homes" and orphaned children because they need the workers who have low expectations for their day to day life. It's the proloteriate waking up this fact that's saying no, we don't want to keep having children for you to exploit.

[@Bloombaby99]

I'm sorry but I truly believe (and stats back this up) a two parent/two adult household that is stable and healthy will *ALWAYS* be beneficial over everything else. A prime example: My sister is a single mom and while her life is somewhat at peace without her children's father, she still struggles with a lot of things and being sick and depressed didn't help. I moved in with her to help her raise her kids and I've seen it bear excellent fruit exponentially. Her kids are living a life that other kids envy and even dream about (and no, we're *not* rich, far from it). Bring back stable, healthy marriages and families. Having a two adult/two parent household is such an underappreciated blessing.

[@EC-rd9ys]

My best friend is a drug counselor at the worst middle school in a southern US city. She has over 90 kids she's counseling and not one of them comes from a two-parent, drug-free home. Not a single one. A stable marriage goes a long, long way for kids.

[@kristenmoonrise]

Thanks for sharing. I agree. Too many people find a reason to justify not being married anymore. They overcomplicate it and talk about problems that don't exist. I just got married in my mid-30s, husband early 40s and it's the first marriage for each of us. We constantly plan our future so we win. People don't know how to properly vet and date on values.

[@Bloombaby99]

@@EC-rd9ys That is really sad. The breakdown of the American family is not a coincidence: People that are lost and angry without guidance become easy to control.

[@Bloombaby99]

@@kristenmoonrise I agree 💯 percent and these same people have the nerve to get upset when their kids are doing poorly in school and society overall. Well, that's what happens when you don't give them a solid foundation and a two adult upbringing.

[@izzybennet.t]

yeah the reason most households don't stay together is because they're not stable. Of course it's the ideal situation, when you can't have the ideal situation you need to pick the best situation; in abusive situations, it's almost always divorce.

[@CPMom83]

As far as the giving back to the community aspect, married couples have more time to give back or participate because they are splitting the household work. Separated families have to do twice the work since there are now 2 households… Plus, as a married couple we are being more active in our community to set a good example for our kid, as well as getting to know the members of our town more closely to gauge who our kid will be around. That part of it is a safety matter.

[@lisan8611]

Marriage only works when you have TWO emotionally mature people who don't have a desire to be selfish. I would never willingly choose co-living over marriage. If you are not ready to make the move then you're just with the wrong person and deep inside you know that.

[@BASSFZz]

Deep inside? Nah, it's always on the surface. Most people are just comfortable being stuck in misery with another person than being alone.

[@honestgenz4413]

​@@BASSFZzTrue

[@VeronikaSch666]

The thing about "community", yes, married couples often attend social event because they don't get pestered with questions about their private lives...maybe with the exception of the childless/childfree couple. But in my experience, spending time with community, church or neighbours does NOT mean being socially secure. Our boomer parents did all that but had NO real friends, no one to come when they needed help (emotionally or physically) because the kind of social life they had was superficial, just to drown out loneliness, to show everybody how normal or good they were (eg. charity). The quality of a social life can't be just measured by the frequency of interaction. You can talk to a whole bunch of new people but as soon as they realise you're selfish, judgmental and unwilling to be there for them except when it benefits you...well, you will be alone with your spouse. And you can't just be alone with your spouse all the time, this is what many couples did in the past...with horrible outcomes.

[@sophiiniko]

THIS!

[@Bloombaby99]

I've talked to a lot of single parents and they all told me that if they had to do it again, they wouldn't do it at all or they'd do it again but this time they'd be married to a family oriented person who was equipped to raise a family. *Too many people are emotionally immature, small minded, unprepared, and are impulsively just having kids with people who have no business being parents just because they can and now everybody wants to whine about the outcome* . Nobody really wants to raise kids alone and the reasons are obvious (and some not so obvious). Don't allow yourself to be fooled or misled.

[@tiahnarodriguez3809]

There are also a lot of people who are married with kids and regret all of it. Facebook is notorious for people making anonymous accounts to complain about the same family they praise on their public accounts. Regardless of marriage status, people need to really vet their partners and have backup plans before making such serious decisions.

[@Bloombaby99]

@@tiahnarodriguez3809 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

[@Moonpie90]

5:02 women used to rely on men for economic reasons but men also relied on women for homemaking reasons. A wife meant they didn't have to clean, cook or anything else 'feminine' which were skills those men just didn't have. Neither gender is as reliant, we get to pick and have that flexibility. I see a lot of women say that women have learnt to 'mens' skills but men haven't necessarily learnt the 'womens' side. Or expect women to do most of the 'womens' role and half the mens, leaving things unbalanced. Progress isn't always synced up, I'm sure when mens skills catch up the numbers will go back up, and people's social skills will catch up to more community based

[@acuerdox]

women's skill isn't in cooking or cleaning, any man can do that, not that hard, it's the managing of many personal relationships that woman excel at.

[@Moonpie90]

@@acuerdox nah I suck at that, so do a lot of women/people. My neurodiverse brain forgets people exist for months at a time, thinks I'm bothering them or reads too much into things. The less personal relationships the better

[@AW-zp7od]

Women are factually doing it all. They have data about the majority of women doing the majority of housework, regardless of employment. It’s not equal at all, it is a fantasy to believe women are dropping the ball here, it is 100% men

[@Jamhael1]

​@@acuerdox with the chronic narcisism in women today, your claim is proven to be another symptom: that only "your" side is "blameless".

[@ramoraid]

​@@acuerdoxnot at all, man can and do have several platonic relationships with other man and don't suffer from toxic gossip and expectations like women do. 😂😂

[@RowenaSnow-px3jg]

I think the biggest problem is a lack of community. People are lonely isolated and struggling to survive with little or no backup. Some marriages are great but the bad ones can destabilize ones life. Kids are unaffordable and prices up (more symptoms of weak community and no backup). Who wants to.bring kids into that? Making life more affordable and less financially destitute would make marriage and kids seem more feasible.

[@BASSFZz]

Yeah, but the irony is...TWO INCOMES help with raising kids...I mean...come on. lol Kids aren't unaffordable. It's a luxury life that is. Balancing finances with a man that is an Accountant, meaning you could literally MARRY a man who's entire job is editing and creating budgets is a solution that is more actionable that the entire economy rapidly changing. The first thing you have to do is take control of what you can affect first. We can't throw our hands up in the air and say it can't be done. Humans have always struggled and WE'RE still HERE. Through draught, famine, war, slavery, sickness, and generation of older grandparents being ain't shit, you and I are here today. So with our knowledge let's do something different instead of throwing our hands up and not trying at all.

[@RowenaSnow-px3jg]

@BASSFZz both incomes can work if both people are reliable. Both have a good job and work ethic. Both invested in raising the kids and maintaining the household. Both committed to each other. Thr problem is that sometimes only one partner is willing to go the distance. Msny women have men who started slacking off after marriage or sfter having kids and then she gets stuck with too much. Then he leaves her for a younger woman. Even if he is 100% loyal and committed, he could die or become disabled. Not saying to give up on kids, just that there need to be better supports in case of 3D catastrophe... death, disability, or divorce. If women could be sure the basics were covered they could feel more confident about having kids

[@BASSFZz]

@@RowenaSnow-px3jg many women picked those men though…😱🤔 the entire purpose of dating is refining and testing your relationship for marriage is it not? When you don’t have the goal in mind, you’re goofed. 😂 why as a Woman would you EVER open your legs for a man that didn’t tell you that he wanted his children to be protected, loved, and have a better life than himself? If you’re a woman and you didn’t have those conversations and pay attention to his character, then that’s on both parties. Because of course a man should do his part, never should we take that away, but women reject men for having YUGIOH cards…bruh. You gotta realize there’s power in being a woman. And with power comes responsibility. Men spend their lives trying to prove they’re worthy, but if women don’t pick the men who are trying then what are they suppose to do? At some point as a young lady, you gotta look in the mirror and ask “and I even attractive to righteousness? Or just a nice face and body and hoping that this man is good?” Beyond that point, extended families are also called…families. Lmao. Uncles, aunts, grandma and grandpa are important people to consider when dating a person too. I think it should go without saying. But you should pick a man with a good and loving family in its own right as well so even if he falls they will still support you. The power is yours. As a woman you gotta come to terms with the choice and control you have over men to date.

[@RowenaSnow-px3jg]

@BASSFZz to a point yes. But there are some men who said and did the right things before marriage or kids , then slacked off after. What isxthe remedy for that? Even if she should have spotted something and chose wrong, hindsight doesnt pay the bills

[@BASSFZz]

@@RowenaSnow-px3jg There’s no a set remedy for that apart from having a heart to heart with the man. And really trying to understand him. Why is he slacking off? You have to grasp his psychology before we can really apply a solution. Truth be told, a woman should understand her partner better than anyone. It is honest so strange to me that women will call into shows and go to therapy instead of TALKING to the man in front of them. The person with the real solution should be the woman who spent time learning about the man than society or any therapist. Hindsight doesn’t pay bills, but a man that has character will make sure his family is protected out his own heart and morality, as a woman, the highest thing you should care about is that man’s moral code. These conversations would never happen if being a good man made women moist. 😂🤣

[@carynmccowan84]

I am frustrated by the narrative that marriage is merely an option that anyone can choose to pursue. As a single woman in my mid-30s, I would very much prefer to be married right now. I have been searching for the right partner for almost a decade and so far no luck. I often find myself thinking that the man I am looking for just doesn't exist and time is running out. None of this was my choice.

[@marinad7115]

Don’t give up hope ❤

[@ramona8807]

I think we as a society are failing young women by telling them to go out and live it up and to not consider marriage. Many women are in similar situation to yours😔❤

[@Enriquez2222]

@@ramona8807okay but we are not all the same and marriage is an OPTION not a a necessity. Society has failed y’all by making it seem like the be all and end all, which is sad

[@rnewland89]

I feel like it's not possible to find the perfect partner because no one is perfect. Make a list of realistic minimum requirements. Agreement on religion and kids for example. Not a rich guy with a masters or above, 6'2"+, and worships the ground you walk on and votes the same as you

[@ramona8807]

@@Enriquez2222 Majority of women will want a husband and kids at some point. People are created different for sure but you are using the minority to excuse teaching young women to prioritise everything else than what will most likely matter the most to them in the end. Of course marriage should stay an option and other things should matter in life too. There is no need to get triggered.

[@YuniX2]

Im married with a child on the way, but if i hadn't found a partner who respects me and does his fair share it never would have happened. Men arent adjusting to the reality of gender equality, and until they do women will continue to avoid marrying them.

[@jamesonpeterman1191]

I am not so sure its solely a "men" issue. To attribute it to blameless women is not productive to the issue.

[@crimson6172]

Women who can attract quality men will want to get married and have kids. Women who can't attract quality men don't want to because they know that having kids and starting a family with a low quality partner is hell.

[@sagathehardworker2190]

​@@crimson6172not true I've attracted only good men in my life. 3 good relationship during my life time. But every time in the end they want kids. Even if we agreed in the beginning not to have any. And I simply do not. I'm 30 now and my desire to have kids are lower now then in my 20ies...

[@zehel368]

well said

[@skyek.1787]

I hope he continues to do his fair share once the baby gets here. Odds are against it, so get ready.

[@shizz3907]

I'll address the decreasing community aspect. I feel like the US has two major "cults" I'll call them but they're more like society-wide behaviors and ways of thinking: 1. The cult of the individual: Its me first, my mental health, my well-being, my financial success, my status, my sense of belonging in society, my friends so on and so forth. We put ourselves first and actively encourage everyone to do the same whereas building strong community literally REQUIRES you to put other people first, and to put them first often. 2. The cult of convenience: This one is the very American idea of not going out of the way for literally anyone than maybe your family and your most close friends. Even when it comes down to hanging out with people in order to participate in community. There are people who I know who decided not to go to an event because it means they had to walk 5 extra minutes off of the metro. People who won't go out because they want to "bed rot" or whatever. Then these people complain about being lonely despite rejecting every invitation and deciding to literally talk to no one in their work, school or whatever network they are organically a part of. Being a part of and maintaining community IS inconvenient most of the time. I feel like there are other aspects to these things that I am not mentioning but this is what I thought of off the top of my head!

[@anainesgonzalez8868]

❤

[@Purplelemon5033]

Also I think the whole expenditure of weddings has become insane. Seriously spending thousands of pounds on one day, outfits you’re never going to wear again to meet societal expectations and make family and friends happy is insane especially when couples cannot afford a mortgage. If you really want to get married you can do it for very little money with just a couple of witnesses you don’t need all the extra nonsense. Each to their own and if you can afford it and a big wedding makes you happy fine but personally I’d rather invest in a house be able to take maternity leave, not be in debt for a wedding. Whether it’s a million dollar ring or a £30 one it’s just metal and a stone at the end of the day you can’t take it with you. Life experience, memories and happy simple life is what makes folks happy materialism is bs imo.

[@Pandozzi]

Marriage is absolutely not a necessity for happiness, personal fulfilment or physical and financial security. It can absolutely cause the opposite of all these, nor is the western and modern idea for marriage necessary for societal functions as there are many documented cultures where marriage and kinship are very different from the western modern forms of marriage and kinship. THAT BEING SAID, the anti marriage trend is not an indicator for the improvement of any of the parameters mentioned above either, as it comes from a place of extreme individualistic ideology. I absolutely agree with you that being a part of any long term, tight knit social dinamic (i.e, also non marriage type long term partnership, coliving with family etc) leads to significantly more empathetic, cooperative, communal behaviours, as it really forces the individual to learn and adapt to be cosiderate of other's needs. The rejection of marriage just feels like it's coming from a place of "always put yourself first". Which is great until it isn't. It just feels very much like throwing the baby with the bathwater kind of philosophy. The rejection of marriage came as a rejection of a societal norm for the sake of societal normality. But at the same time it fails to recognise the benefits that norm had, and does not seem to give much consideration to what can replace it without discarding those benefits. Great video as always!!!

[@AngelDeed]

No, the anti marriage "trend" comes from people (mostly women) finally recognising/admitting the negative historical, social, legal, moral baggage heterosexual marriage has. It comes from people finally being open and honest about the facts instead of sugarcoating it. It comes from easily accessible information which was not possible in the past. Like why would I, as a woman want to perpetuate/take part in a tradition started out as a business deal between families and used women as currency? Why, why, why?? It does not make any sense. I know romantics like to ignore these facts, but they are still facts. For most of our history, women weren't even individuals legally just the extension of whatever male that was above them. So why wouldn't women want to be individuals now?? It's not so much as people going against the norm, but people finally not being brainwashed into it to begin with. Do you think this many people would want to marry if it wasn't taught to them since birth?

[@anainesgonzalez8868]

❤

[@brocksampson2590]

Women used to HAVE TO marry to have a life with access to things like credit for years. Now we dont have to, but the men didnt catch on and many are very underwhelming. Too many want you to come home and cook dinner, even if both partners work the same hours. Too many want a woman thatll mom them. No thanks! 😂

[@BASSFZz]

Don't you still have to come home and cook dinner? Even if you're alone? If you're going to sacrifice EVERYTHING that comes with a man. Like his intelligence, humor, kindness, problem solving, courage to do things you don't want to do, and physical strength...because you have to come home and cook dinner after working...Then you're the problem, not men. You're using a scenario and life experience you don't have to discount HALF the human species. Let's normalize looking the mirror and starting with the person in there. lol

[@jacobsoto7228]

Actually it's the women these days. I don't know how to cook and that's why I'm trying to learn how to cook. As a matter of fact, I'm going to culinary school because I want to make it a career.

[@vira1340]

If sex work was legal men wouldn't bother to marry. Women bring nothing to the table. Sex work is kept illegal to enable women to extract maximum resources from a man through discriminatory laws.

[@oolg4292]

​@@BASSFZzand vice versa 😘

[@AnaNas-bm2uv]

There are a lot of "married single moms" where I live. Men are still not doing enough, so I don't know. Is it better? To have married parents but your dad is basically a child too?

[@DeepestShadows-cl5pd]

That depends heavily on what you mean by "basically a child", as that gets thrown around a lot these days. If he fails to contribute anything to raising the child, never shows them how to do stuff, doesn't give useful advice on dealing with the outside world, etc. and basically does not enrich the kid's childhood at all, he's just a bad role model and shouldn't really be there. If he just refuses to do household chores or other traditionally "women's work" but does contribute in those other ways, yes it's better - though obviously not ideal - and he'll still get accused of being "basically a child".

[@kreed3494]

@@DeepestShadows-cl5pdif you can’t take care of yourself then you are a child

[@teresamagnusson]

If he's not doing chores, he's a child.

[@Souleater7777]

@@teresamagnussonnot if he’s paying bills. And if you have problem with that reverse roles. Period

[@teresamagnusson]

​​@@Souleater7777Nope. Paying bills is not enough. If he doesn't want to do more, then he will end up alone. Women can hold down a job plus doing chores and child care. If men can't keep up, then they will be left behind.

[@amanda4313]

Maybe... just maybe... marriage doesn't prevent poverty, and its just that poor people can't afford to get married 🤷🏻‍♀️ Marriage and economic status are correlated, but I think there's some flaws in a lot of these studies. It's the same with the conclusion that children with married parents tend to be better off in many ways. Yes, married parents tend to be more financially well-off, and can afford to invest in their children's development. This would jot be the case for unmarried, cohabitating parents who live in poverty.

[@kara8911]

In kindness I don’t see how that would be true. What cost is there in getting married? A marriage license is inexpensove (granted mine is from over 20 years ago so maybe it costs more) and you can go to the courthouse for cheap too (correct?). Unless you are losing some sort of govt benefit by getting married and therefore increasing income then I don’t get how it could be that way.

[@xavthomas]

​@@kara8911people get more government help if they're unmarried. It is a form of fraud, but the laws are bad incentives in that matter.

[@tiahnarodriguez3809]

@@kara8911 Most people who want to get married want a wedding which is thousand of dollars. That’s why there are people who’d rather wait till they have the money to do it.

[@peytonb1443]

​@kara8911 My courthouse wedding required me to take 3 hours off of work all during weekdays. If I still worked an hourly job without flex time, I don't know that I could have done it. Granted, I could have chopped an hour off of that if I had booked my judge a few months in advance.

[@BASSFZz]

@@tiahnarodriguez3809 Ahem...most WOMEN* I needed to correct that for you. :P lmao

[@fairywingsonroses]

Honestly, I think the biggest issue is the cultural aspect of marriage. We've been conditioned to believe that the ONLY socially and culturally acceptable relationship status is a heterosexual marriage. Anything else is automatically deemed "bad," "irresponsible," and "selfish." Meanwhile, our culture is also drowning in a kind of toxic selfishness where helping others for any reason is often labeled as "enabling." Here in the US, people actively fight against community-strengthening measures like publically-funded daycare and healthcare. As a single parent, I was told that both me and my child deserved to suffer because people automatically assumed I had made bad choices that resulted in my single parent status. As a married parent, I was told to stop being irresponsible with money and stop expecting someone else to pay for my choice to have kids. Even as a single, childless person, I was often told things like, you shouldn't have gone to college if you couldn't pay for it, or it's your own fault that you can't find a good-paying job. All of these narratives are incredibly toxic and unhelpful, and they lead to a larger issue of people just not being willing to help other people at all under any circumstances. When the world is so unapologetically selfish, how is anyone even remotely surprised that fertility rates are dropping, the rates of single parents are rising, and communities overall feel less welcoming and stable than they once were?

[@chickenman6308]

Everyone’s generous when it’s someone else’s money.

[@fairywingsonroses]

@@chickenman6308 That's true, but I find it ironic that we are willing to do things like fund foreign wars and give billions in tax breaks and bailouts to large corporations, but the idea of helping someone pay off their student loans is utterly unacceptable. You can make the argument that helping our allies in war or allowing a corporation to continue with business as usual (even if their business practices are wasteful and unethical) benefits us all, but I feel like it really doesn't. The result has been a culture that idolizes big business and consumerism; one that justifies war and conflict as a necessary evil, but has no empathy for the person who lives next door. The average person has seen no benefit at all from corporate tax breaks or wars overseas. We as a society have no problem spending someone else's money. We've been doing that for centuries. Who we spend it on matters, though, and I would argue that the people getting the benefit of having money spent on them are not the ones who need it.

[@NauticalTurtle]

@@fairywingsonroses I agree. A good society starts with "the person next door."

[@DeepestShadows-cl5pd]

@@chickenman6308 "Everyone" pays the taxes, though, especially in a local context.

[@Jairo-h4c]

The only culturally and socially acceptable relationship in society IS a heterosexual marriage. And nothing else! Fuck that woke ass bullshit.

[@kaybrown7733]

I can tell you that the actual cause is economic, but no one wants to highlight that because then, they might have to stop price gouging everything and pay people a livable wage. 2 poor people who get married are still poor!

[@marianhunt8899]

Totally agree. Who wants to bring a child into poverty and considerable hardship? Even our poor ancestors had a hovel to call home, now hard working people struggle to pay for rent and food. We are regressing not progressing despite all the technology. The vast bulk of money is going to the very top of society.

[@kaybrown7733]

@@marianhunt8899 You hit the nail on the head.

[@MG-wc5oz]

Being married brings on a lot more responsibilities to the relationship it's just different.

[@Squishy-ho7zd]

Marriage made my mother so depressed it’s insane

[@BASSFZz]

@@Squishy-ho7zd Did she pick her Husband?

[@katelynrogers7769]

You suggested that separated parents would have double the household responsibilities, taking time away from the child(ren). This may not be true for both partners within the context of unequal sharing of household duties, especially in heteronormative marriages, in which women bare the burden of the majority of household tasks, childcare AND caring for their spouse. Just a thought.

[@kreed3494]

Divorced women get more sleep! Can’t imagine why 😂

[@1stephanie8994]

Needs to be shown that being alone does not equal being lonely

[@DeandreSteven]

COPE

[@flaawed_human]

@@DeandreSteven "The internet is dead" - good example here

[@clynt7452]

Some people have the idea that "The One" means the marriage life will be full of sparkle and fluff. The reality is with ANY relationship there WILL be conflict and clash of opinions. That is why emotional stability is so important. Knowing how to regulate and navigate difficult times.

[@abibetch6406]

Fun fact, a good chunk of the reason why we’re having declining birth rates is fewer women between the ages of 15 and 19 have had a steep drop off of birth rates whereas women over 30 having a steady incline since the 90s

[@EileenPurdy-q6z]

Marriage is a form of slavery to me and I don’t ever want to be a slave ever again. I am extremely happy being single and I don’t feel lonely at all.

[@maryanneevans8812]

Amen.

[@iheny8407]

The thing about life and people is that we live in the present so much, we don’t look to the future. I hope you are good with this choice in a couple of decades to come

[@BASSFZz]

Ahh yes...it was the marriage. Not the person YOU picked. Because you didn't have anything to do with the outcome, did you?

[@jblue2523]

Although I understand the sentiment, I still have to disagree. Marriage itself is not a form of slavery; I just think your ex spouse was a slave master.

[@makenna578]

Listening to your video essay brought a new light to a highlighted issue in a book I'm reading called "Bringing Up Girls" (2010), which examines the need for girls to have the expectations, placed upon them by their parents, to make wise decisions about boys/men as they surpass puberty and enter adulthood. Your video makes me wonder what North America and other developed countries would look like if we (not just girls) took our decisions related to dating, partners, and sex very seriously, beginning as early as middle school. Perhaps there would be a higher percentage of married couples, or even kids living with two biological parents, which could have a positive effect on poverty, crime, and academic rates even one or two generations down the line.

[@fairywingsonroses]

I feel like this issue is so complex. I was raised in a religion that pushed marriage and children on girls from a young age, often without also educating them on the more important details of dating, consent, or even what to look for in a good partner. A good partner to them was religiously devout, and little else about them mattered. This created an environment where girls felt pressured to marry young, and often felt like they couldn't choose something different without being shunned. I also think we need to have a conversation about how fatherhood is largely viewed as "optional." Historically, all that was asked of men was to provide financially. Anything beyond that was considered "extra." It's really not surprising that men are just noping out of fatherhood altogether when society has historically put all of the responsibility for child rearing on women. And women almost always get the blame when dead beat dads refuse to help out instead of holing men to higher standards too. Even involved fathers are often limited in what they are willing to contribute towards raising their kids or helping out. It's really hard for a girl to find a good partner when the overall culture of parenting and marriage emphasizes the completely wrong things for the completely wrong reasons.

[@Elemenohpea440]

I think parents should absolutely talk about romantic relationships, expectations and what to look for in a spouse early and often. We discuss this stuff all the time with our kids. One thing I think is important is to encourage a culture of respect in a household. Siblings should respect each other, spouses should respect each other and parents should respect the kids and vice versa. Many families allow outright boundary violations and I don’t think that’s good for teaching kids how to find good partners. When families demonstrate kind, loving, respectful communication, and respecting each others need for space, personal belongings etc, it should help them discern who is worth their time and who isn’t! Unfortunately, I am a people pleaser and so is my teenage daughter. We’ve had to have a lot of discussions about being a doormat etc. She is so kind and sweet and I really have to help guide her friendships etc. I think some parents would be more hands off, but I’ve been burned by so many bad relationships and friendships that I refuse to allow her to navigate that world by herself. These are just my thoughts

[@DeepestShadows-cl5pd]

Probably these countries would look exactly the same as now: falling birthrates and frustration everywhere. When it all comes down to it, a stable society/population relies on a lot of girls/women just settling. Not every guy can be some perfect catch or "responsible" choice. And yes, I am projecting - I am not and could never be, and I'm very much not alone.

[@fairywingsonroses]

@@DeepestShadows-cl5pd Yes, and because of that, birthrates will continue to fall. No woman wants to risk her life and well being to birth and raise a child in poverty and instability because a staggering number of men can't be trusted to help out.

[@hydratejsn]

People would marry based on judgements heavily tinted by craving sex. They wouldn't even know themselves it's not sensibility but hormones that's motivating them. They would often relentlessly and tirelessly manipulate their parents to approve the union. The parents often wouldn't notice. At least that's what I gathered from talking to elderly people. Some people would also get stuck with partners they find physically repulsive, because it's too late to change your mind about sex, once the knot is tied. Thank you and no. The crime and poverty levels were higher then than they are now in my country, so at least here those two seem to be unrelated.

[@jinsei1208]

But i also believe depending on the political or religious or ideological background of married couples also plays a factor in communities' success. And sometimes it backfires and creates all those thing marriage is supposed to prevent. In my area most married couples do not support community services for individuals, families, or state funded community programs. And actively work to remove those services while they promote services through religious institutions. I would say most married couples in my area are more individualistic and withdraw from the community turning to their families and churches, and avoiding people of different denominations, faiths, and or ideologies, etc. In my hometown... Married couples and traditional families actively speak out against those not conforming to the traditional life path and aren't very open to non traditional families. So many young people and individuals in my area have a somewhat negative view of marriage.

[@em97c]

The thing about cohabiting parents (as a child of cohabiting parents) is that there's a fundamental difference in attitude between people who want to avoid getting married if it's "unnecessary" and people who are just delighted to form a bond and commitment with somebody. If you see marriage as something to be avoided unless you absolutely HAVE to, that's probably going to be reflected in how eager you are to commit to loving and caring selflessly for another person long term. Like yknow... your child. Someone who actively wants to be married and actively wants to form bonds and collaborations and is eager to commit to that in a big way just bodes better for a child than someone who needs their arm twisted by policy advantages.

[@flayuhat]

You hit the nail on the head!

[@tiahnarodriguez3809]

Depends. If you actively want to be with someone. A marriage license isn’t going to make your relationship any more valid, but if you don’t want to be with someone regardless of your married or not you’re gonna be in for a bad time. Plenty of people get a shut-up ring and want to know why their marriage is awful, but plenty of people get no ring and are having good relationships.

[@em97c]

@@tiahnarodriguez3809 I see your point but I would only be looking to be with people who are actively enthusiastic about marriage because it speaks to me of someone who is happy to make big commitments and allow other people to be a huge part of their lives. Someone who is on the fence about it or for whom it was never an important priority is just not a good bet as far as I'm concerned.

[@izzybennet.t]

@@em97c that's your personal preference though. Some families choose to cohabitate for medical, legal, and social reasons. If the parents are dedicated to each other and dedicated to raising their kids, getting married is hardly a concern. You can't be on the fence about marriage if marriage was never a consideration for either partner too, which removes a lot of the concern of indecisiveness you have in such relationships. My parents enthusiastically got married and I ended up suffering 16 years of abuse because they believed that families should stay together and divorce is immoral. My cousins are in the same boat. There's actually a couple of true crime cases where a man enthusiastically sought marriage and wanted to show his dedication to her and their future family, just to become a bum and try to kill her later on.

[@em97c]

@@izzybennet.t This is all true. But I think if you're dedicated to your family and raising your kids marriage is how you display that to a partner so they can make an informed choice before proceeding.

[@mckenna_L_]

Men want to be married more than women and have higher happiness in marriage whereas time and again single women are happier than married counterparts. Yet men constantly complain about their wives and culturally we have normalized humor around men hating being married and craving freedom (take my wife, please!) which drives me nuts!! So is it any wonder this is happening? But I’m just a single 24 year old 🤷‍♀️

[@TrumpBeat2Women]

Cap women want marriage more than men cuz women benefit waaaaay more

[@Enriquez2222]

Same, 24 and single with no plans of getting married. Would hate to be the ball and chain at the end of those jokes

[@ladybug3380]

They don’t like marriage per say they just want a woman around to fulfill their needs.

[@Jamhael1]

And women then complain of wanting a partner and kids, but complain because "can't find a worthy men". Seriously, this is not a "men only issue". Women has part on it, and is not a small part either.

[@MissTi212]

​@@Jamhael1 can't find 1 because they were lied to about needing 1 for happiness. If that's the life that she chooses that's fine, but plzz stop thinking we all want to take care of a man and his kids my love. It's a new time 😘

[@fairymangafanfairytail6644]

One of the best way to break the loneliness as a single person, a couple or a married couple and enter an in-person social circle is joining a charity of your choice, in your local area ( preferably a short driving/commuting/walking distance). Everybody is here to help and work for a cause without monetary gains, it helps develop/strengthen you empathy and nuanced view of the world, you will see/create/receive kindness and knowing your efforts, energy and time is helping whatever cause you choose is a great feeling! It's also an easy way in social interactions even when you are quite awkward with them, as social people tend to flock those communities and will help you feel right at home. It leads to connections in your life, in your environment, in your home. I strongly recommend it, especially if you struggle with building connections/ social interactions. Make sure before starting that the cause you will put efforts in is something you care about or can make yourself care about in time, and that you have regular free time for it. It doesn't need to be a second job type of efforts and time, but being consistency is key!

[@manatee_wannabe]

I think marriage has been painted in a bad light. People see a contract that can have negative financial and tax implications, legal implications, and is associated with religious institution. But we forget what marriage is symbolism for. For me it is a promise to love your partner unconditionally and support them emotionally, financially become one, and treat your lives as one. And when you invest your life so much in another person and they pour that much energy back into you your lives become better, you find emotional stability, financial stability, and a sense of community. It's no wonder to me that folks who believe in marriage as a promise of love create a strong sense of community, since they practice that everyday 💚

[@cloudyskies5497]

I was surprised that married people are more involved in their communities than unmarried people, and also people with kids were more involved than child-free people. When you have fewer commitments, you can give back more. I am childfree and have more time to volunteer and participate in groups after work.

[@marianhunt8899]

Except, most people are working 40 to 60 hours a week just to afford rent and food! This leads to exhaustion and burnout. There is little time for relationships, children hobbies or volunteering even if we would like to. Our economic system is most unfair and unjust.

[@Squishy-ho7zd]

I’ve always knew I wanted be a mother but I’ve never felt the same way about a relationship or marriage regardless of the gender who I marry

[@tylerbhumphries]

I’m the exact opposite. I’ve always wanted to be married but shaky on the idea of children. I grew up with a large family. My immediate family was medium size. My parents and my two siblings. But my extended family was very large. My mom had 17 siblings and my dad had 12. And the majority of them were married. I grew up seeing long, (mostly) healthy marriages and i was able to see what type of stability and happiness it could bring. But because my family was so large, I never felt the need to have kids because I was always surrounded by people.

[@Sahalielove]

You had multiple examples of women saying they felt like they thought marriage was a path to success and happiness just because society told them that, and I remember just one example of a woman saying that she worries she started having a family too late. I think women are denied going after their dreams both ways, they’re told they want to be married with children when they don’t, and there are also women who would have wanted marriage and children young, but told that they don’t want that, they want to hit all these milestones first. I appreciate you bringing up both and not just repeating a broken record saying that women are just generally pushed to get married and have kids when they don’t want to. I just wanted to reword a little of your video, as it wasn’t totally clear in your video that either way with fertility, we aren’t there yet with women being encouraged to do what they want to do, even though we supposedly live in an era of boundless freedom for women.

[@Tim_G_Bennett]

Totally agree, also I very rarely see young men get asked if they want children. I would of liked to have children but it's too late for me now. I see so much more anti child content around now then I used too.

[@Sahalielove]

@ I’m so sorry to hear that for you. My parents were a generation ahead of everyone else in two areas, one was getting married and having kids late, and the other was being irrationally concerned about safety. It makes it a little hard to relate to my friends who think they have so much time to keep waiting to get married, and to the other parents at the playground who hover over their kids when I let my kid play a distance away from me. I feel like I’m a generation ahead of all my peers because what I want in life is a response to my parents following a pattern that’s common now but wasn’t common then!

[@mia.e.morrison]

Compelling video & thoughts. I really appreciate how you unpack the data about everything, digging into what different claims might mean. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of the hesitancy around getting married has also come out of the divorce rates being so high - and I really wonder if the divorce rates will drop because people who are choosing to get married are taking it more seriously (like most of the children of divorced parents have told me they would never want to get divorced)? That's a TOTAL guess and of course I know that plenty of people took marriages seriously before and still got divorced. Just curious how the institution of marriage will continue to shift in the coming years. Personally as a Christian, I've always been shocked at how the divorce rate of Christians is basically equal to that of non-Christian folks. And I really wonder if the church has / will start talking about and treating marriage more seriously (better support for it, counseling, supporting couples who are struggling) and if that will have an impact specifically on the divorce rates for Christian marriages specifically. Thanks again for a thoughtful video. I recently discovered your channel and have been watching through lots of your older stuff! Loving it all.

[@kreed3494]

It would probably help if they weren’t encouraging 20 year olds to get married just so they can f*ck

[@sonicleaves]

I've been married for 16 years and I don't interact with anyone but my husband and our 2 kids. I have no parents, siblings, friends or extended family. Been living in this town for almost 20 years and have never participated in this community and never will.

[@denzela5539]

Are you happy with it just being you and your husband?

[@sonicleaves]

@@denzela5539 Yes, they are my everything. I don't have time or energy for anyone else. My kids take up all my time. I'm a stay at home mom.

[@Lysistrata2025]

Community is more than socializing with neighbours. A lot of married people with small kids socialize with neighbours because that is attainable when a child is in bad or in smaller chunks of free time. Single parents may have difficulty socializing because it requires a sitter and there is even less free time. Single childfree people socialize with friends, who may live in another part of town. "Recent studies show that singles have more friends and are better at maintaining their friendships than married people. In contrast, married couples tend to spend a majority of their time with their partner, and often leave friendships behind." If you want a strong community that single parents can participate, why not organise events with childcare on site?

[@nucle4rpenguins534]

Yup a nice benefit with my work is onsite daycare benefits and other community things, which is very nice. I’m lucky in that the work I do is meaningful and interesting to me so I don’t mind staying at work longer in the instance a child comes into the mix to take advantage of these things

[@glochevalier]

The Institute for Family is also a conservative think tank, similar to the heritage foundation. Please check your sources and vet them for biases.

[@Friedacat]

She also literally quotes The Heritage Foundation...so... what should we take from this video.

[@marianhunt8899]

​@@Friedacatnot much. Listen and move on. She fails to mention increasing poverty in the West, despite all our technological advances. Much of our tech advances are going into continual wars all over the globe and mass surveillance of the human population. Tragic.

[@annabelle6090]

The nuclear family is isolating but leaving the nuclear family is hard because it has destroyed the community that existed before it. That community has to be built again to reach the levels of social fulfillment we had before the nuclear family

[@be1tube]

The statistics about marriage frequently are measuring things that are prerequisites to marriage. For example, before you marry, you need sufficient spare time to devote to a big primary relationship. So it is more likely you will also have the resources to devote time to other non-survival projects. So, it is not surprising that married people do them/have them. But it's not clear marriage is a cause of the good things.

[@scroseFE]

With marriage being so unpopular I stayed single longer than I wanted to simply because nobody around me wanted to commit. People my age wanted to party, they wanted to "live", they wanted to go through their "hoe phase" and whatnot. There was a pressure not to commit. Even if you were in a relationship, commiting wasn't cool. It's still hard to persuade my 28 year old boyfriend to get engaged. None of our friends are and we're not the oldest couple amng them...

[@OlesiaKoshkina]

so true

[@AW-zp7od]

Damn where are you from? Everyone I knew was married by 20

[@kreed3494]

@@AW-zp7odno where are YOU from? 🤨

[@AW-zp7od]

@@kreed3494 the Deep South LMAO

[@robbytheartist3997]

I wouldn't get married. He's right. If you have each other then what stopping you two? #DivorceManTalkingHere A piece of paper is just a piece of paper. The decree/covenant is in your hearts, through God. Not the government. 💯

[@blacksuite1]

Single mother house holds are bad for the future of the children.

[@TrakeM118]

I would suggest taking a close look at your sources. Heritage Foundation, the people behind Project 2025, isn't a great source and quoting from them detracts from your video.

[@adouloslabelh2957]

That part

[@theshiningfalcon]

Oof I missed that. Not a good look to be quoting them

[@AshleyEmbers]

Hey! Thanks for bringing this to my attention, I had no idea who was behind the Heritage Foundation. Thankfully, the general consensus on the relationship between marriage and poverty is still the same, but either way, I won't be sourcing them again. Being Canadian, some of these things just go over my head. Sorry for the bad source!

[@johndoe1909]

it's a great source for disinformation and confused bullshit with no relation to reality.

[@Amoruniversitas]

Why?

[@cranny5237]

Marriage was never designed to be last forever. Historically, marriage wasn’t about love or romance. It was about forming alliances, preserving and inheriting legacies, preserving and maintaining pure bloodline (marrying cousins). In other words, it’s just business. Like a business merge together. In those days, if you have legacy or inheritance to pass on, then you get married. This is why I’m today’s marriage you sign a contract when you got married and break the contract when divorce. Modern days, have romanticize, ingrained in our culture. The origin and history of marriage is forgotten. People think their marriages will last forever thanks to Hollywood movies and Disney fairytale propaganda. People are naive when it comes to marriage. They don’t realize that external factors like the economy changes, recession, careers, in laws, children will affect their marriages. Just look at Covid 19, divorce rate went through the roof. People lost their jobs, couples stuck together, lost their homes, their finances were affected, couples arguing about vaccine and many more. I’ve met married people. They want to cheat. Cheating and divorce is very common. You’re at risk.

[@Shineynsparkles]

The elites and economy said your children will own nothing and be happy Your 40 hr a week job is now 80 hrs Your grocery bill was $100 now it’s $400 Your take home pay and taxes done took your money And childcare in some places is $400 a week

[@Wimlan]

I am extremely lucky with my partner and I absolutely love my children, but sometimes I feel a bit jealous of my child-free friends. There is so much extra work and stress that comes with raising children. Not to mention the lack of proper sleep...

[@MrLuisa0214]

The decrease of community involvement is more related to the actual economy system rather than the individuals. Those studies are based mostly on northern capitalist countries.

[@Bloombaby99]

I don't think people realize just how damaging a single parent household can be especially if the parent doesn't have any outside help or resources: When a single parent is stressed out, angry, sick, bitter, etc just who do you think has to deal with all of that? Having another adult in the house is good because the other adult can call the parent out when they're being unfair or even abusive to the child(ren) and/or they can mediate familial problems between parent and child among many other benefits too many people take for granted. Say what you want but there is a big damn difference being raised by two parents versus a single one and the single parent has more problems than the two. I'm talking from my own experience.

[@Arnirien]

Also, "less marriage results in less children" - correlation doesn't mean causation. Maybe both factors are sriven by a third factor (or more likely, factors).

[@Yomojojo]

I like how easy it is for men to leave their kids. Really shows how dedicated and loyal they are. Lol

[@kibbykibby]

Love your hair, it looks amazing. Just started this video, it will probably be great!

[@halfofakitty]

It's not marriage that keeps sanity, it's sanity that keeps sanity. It's not marriage but what marriage brings, which wouldn't be exclusive to it if we lived in a different economy. If single moms had the time and money they'd probably do fine. Mom works all day so you don't get to see her. Plus the stress that causes her, combined with parenting and bills and no time to yourself. The brief time you do get to see her has her rushed and stressed; doubling the negative effect on you. Mom also probably chose the wrong man, which can mean she has issues. So her having a mentally unstable starting point doesn't help your sanity around her either. And then you go to school with kids from the same house making it crap outside too.

[@dvanopynen88]

I've been with my partner over 9 years and co habiting for 6. Only reason we aren't married is because we bought a house together and now don't have the spare income to get married. We're 36 and 39 and a blended family with 4 kids. We'll get married eventually but

[@manifest2203]

How does your household chores get split? And who does more child care (for his kids also)?

[@dvanopynen88]

​​@@manifest2203I'm a stay at home Mum right now (youngest is 14 months). Partner is working 3 jobs but helps out when he's home. So I'd say I'm doing 75-80% of childcare and household duties. We both have permanent custody with exes who haven't seen their kids for 6+ years. When he's home he's happy to do anything that needs doing without any hesitation and will even send me for a lay down if he sees I'm really flagging. He took carer's leave only last week because I was really sick

[@claudiapastorahdez6177]

I am a mom and I have mad respect for single parents out there. All I can say is do your best but take care of you as well. It won't be perfect but you will both survive.

[@Lia-zw1ls7tz7o]

3:40 true but marriage and nuclear families alone can’t be the only factor! There are cultures out there in the world, such as the Mosuo in southern China, that have no concept of marriage or nuclear families but still have a great sense of community and where people know each other. Size I think plays a great factor in this as well as perhaps how going to work has changed as well as internet and smartphone use. When I commute to and from Hamburg, I see everyone being buried in their phones (including myself 😬), something which only 10-14 years ago was a lot less common. We are alienating and atomizing ourselves in an increasing rate. I’m sure that there are modern communities of millennials and Gen Z people out there who aren’t married and still know their neighbors well and have a stable community.

[@vvviiiiiicccc]

Haven't check in in over a year and wow! Your channel has changed! So exciting to see your channel thrive. I've been around before you were pregnant. So it's nice to see you succeed.

[@KhadidjaKhadouj-ur4ke]

I want to be a rich single mom by adoption

[@Ms.noelp453]

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[@Mulcahy5090]

historically this is why marriage was an institution of economic strategy, not feelings or emotions. families, especially with resources, strategized to uphold those resources within the given families/community hierarchy. not saying this was good or bad but it’s always been a resource game

[@pipebomber04]

In western countries, dating is a hobby. Most people have already probably met or been together with their potential husband/wife. But they wanted to sample more partners or pursue their career alone. This greed for fame, money or sex is what drive western people to loneliness.

[@simba8665]

The more liberal a nation becomes the more individualistic a society becomes. Tell me a country that became more liberal and marriage rate, birth rates, population qetc shot up. Majority of people don't live to see 80 and by 30 you should have made most of the hard choices that determine whether you marry/ have kids or not. Well, western women got too many choices and got little time to figure out "what they want." Long back your family or elders would help guide you in fast decision making using their lived experiences, but now not anymore.

[@felixthecat2786]

I'd rather be married then unmarried. Life is so difficult and making ends meet is such a struggle. At the age of 36 I've come to the conclusion that being an "independent woman" just means that you have to endure adversity and struggle all alone. It's incredibly alienating to feel so burdened by our dreadful economy and lack of jobs. Being a "career woman" or an "independent woman" is great if you're a doctor, lawyer, engineer, IT worker, business woman. It sucks if you work in hospitality, make a crap wage, and regularly take abuse and poor treatment from clients/customers and managers. I feel like feminists don't want to acknowledge real problems that women are facing in the workplace. They don't want to acknowledge that women are routinely taken advantage of and forced into hospitality jobs while men are given more opportunities to work in trades or introverted jobs like security. Women are being forced into "nurturing roles" where they are routinely abused. I have a bachelor's and graduate's degree and I've never been able to even get an interview for a job paying more than 45,000 dollars a year. I've gone above and beyond to fix my resume and gain skills/certifications/etc....and it makes no difference. Women are expected to take the brunt of the toxic/abusive workplace we're existing in. We're not treated seriously and because of that many women would rather just give up and become SAHMs until its necessary to go back to the workplace. I know for a fact that I am never returning to the 9-5 workplace. I'd rather do side hustles and gig jobs to bring in some extra cash for myself than ever have to bear the brunt of corporate/management/customer abuse. No thanks!

[@TheOis1984]

if the advantages of living in a 2-parents-family is that obvious, why people opt to raise kid (or kids) in single families?

[@newjerseyselfdefense6199]

Feminism and the lack of gainfully employed men. It’s really up to women not men. Women are only procreating with a minority of men and sharing that minority with other women. Most men are not fathers. A higher percentage of Hispanic women, regardless of nativity status (62.4%), and non-Hispanic Black women (61.0%), had ever had a biological child, followed by non-Hispanic White (54.6%) and non-Hispanic Asian (47.9%) women. ● The percentage of Hispanic men, regardless of nativity status, who had ever fathered a child (50.1%) was higher than non-Hispanic White (43.9%) and non-Hispanic Asian (35.0%) men, and was similar to the percentage for non-Hispanic Black men (46.0%). The percentages of non-Hispanic Black and non-Hispanic White men who had ever had a child also were similar. The percentage who ever had a biological child was lowest among non-Hispanic Asian men.

[@David-ej1ps]

because people are not prepared for the task then they double down and pick partners who are wholly unprepared

[@claudiapastorahdez6177]

I am a mom and I have mad respect for single parents out there. All I can say is do your best but take care of you as well. It won't be perfect but you will both survive. I was raised by a single mom but I had my grandma that helped her with everything.

[@praetorian1877]

I’m a guy and I don’t plan on getting married because I’m very afraid of the consequences of divorce! I’ve had 17 friends that have been divorced.

[@flaawed_human]

17 friends? You already won a lottery with this many friends, congrats!

[@praetorian1877]

@@flaawed_human I know, crazy right!

[@missandry2669]

I bet most were deadbeats

[@flaawed_human]

@@missandry2669 I wonder why you felt the need to comment that

[@gailainsley6939]

@@missandry2669. Yup. 😅😅

[@jblue2523]

Individualism is more promoted now than ever; a lot of people are foregoing tradition for personal happiness. Although this mentality breaks some toxic cycles of conservative traditions, itʻs also still just another exteme. Society recognizes a problem but then over-corrects itself to fix the problem thus creating a whole new one. And I see a rising trend in misandry. Men nowadays are often seen as predators and dictators and children and any other negative thing. They are gradually becoming more underappreciated and undervalued, and many people just donʻt care. women were discriminated against and treated as property for so long. BUT Once again society is over-correcting itself on this problem and going to the other extreme.

[@сырпошехонский]

Smart men don't get married. Modern-day marriage is the worst contract a man can sign.

[@celestialmorpho]

Sounds very satanic.

[@issecret1]

sure, whatever keeps you far from us

[@evileyez504]

By depriving society of stable living you gave them time to think about their situation and stew in their loss, and in that time they were able to pick apart not being able to afford to get married or having kids to the point they wanted neither. but had you kept them docile and blind and happy they would have never noticed, cause life would be better and who would want to focus on bad things?

[@BumbleSmeeBee]

Casually quoting the heritage foundation

[@rileyhearne3254]

In australia we do have a label for that long term co-living couples. De facto relationships are included in the Australian census and is applicable if you have been living with a partner for over 12 months but are not married, you then also are legally given 50% of their assets in cases such as death. I do feel this has made this issue disscussed in this video vastly different and yet australia is still seeing very similar trends.

[@mayraramirez2104]

Your videos are amazing. I always hated essays, but your essay videos are so interesting. Did you enjoy doing essays in college? Wondering what your major was?

[@AshleyEmbers]

Thank you! I never enjoyed writing essays in college (just because English has always been my worst subject), but I love learning new things! I studied chemical and environmental technology in university.

[@DeepestShadows-cl5pd]

It is not the foundation of capital-s Society, but it was the foundation of OUR society, the last link holding our slice of humanity together when the village is long lost.

[@Lia-zw1ls7tz7o]

20:16 that’s not an argument for marriage though - just for living together without this contract, this symbolism. To me, marriage is chaining you to another person and to bloody bureaucracy if you wanna get divorced. The only advantage of marriage is that you get financially benefited (at least in Germany, not sure about the US) because marriage and the cishet nuclear family are still seen as the „normal“ way. Heck, even being cis lesbian can be hard as a marriage without a mother and a father still isn’t benefited as much, not to mention families where one or both or more are trans. And families of more than two caregivers aren’t recognized either! Sure, you can legally get married in Germany as a gay couple but the bureaucracy has yet to catch up…which it isn’t designed to do in analogue Germany.

[@Nawtperfect]

One of the main problems I have with the whole "declining birth rate" conversation is that women in the past did not have the options that modern women do when it comes to controlling how often they become pregnant. Women are having fewer children because they don’t want to spend the majority of their reproductive years pregnant. The only real way to force women to have more children is to remove women's right to choose.

[@jocelyndunkley1607]

I’m curious about that data about married people being more connected to their community. I feel like in your first part you were heavily implying that being married = being a family and therefore having children. I don’t know what the overlap in that data is between those married with or without children. Obviously if you have children you would rely upon community resources more. I don’t have any evidence against it but I feel like that data point might be inflated due to that lack of differentiation.

[@kaiba492]

There is a window of time around twenty y.o. or so where people’s romantic energy is at peak level of excitement, optimism, rawness, openness, playful inexperienced vulnerability, and beautifully naively ready to fall in love and bond. The marriage cycle is upside down where people give this fleeting energy to partner after partner and just a worn out heart to the person you finally settle down with. Earlier marriage may have its advantages

[@gus29361]

I've been with my hs sweetheart for 9 years/ homeowners for 3 of those years & engaged for 2. We finally have our 10acres the way we want to host our families for our wedding next year. We've gone through so much ups, downs, & general growth together. We literally scoff & laugh at the idea of throwing away this extremely mature & beautiful relationship to just start over & try again with someone else. Ive been able to stay home, work on the property & my art because he has a salary stay at home job. We're both college dropouts but clearly, as far as the American Dream set of standards, im 24 & feel really good about where we are. We're building something we both want to pass on to our children & its genuinely made our lives more full having commitment & something beyond ourselves to care about.

[@gus29361]

But sure "mawage is aw twap" 😂 I wouldn't be half the person I am today without my fiancé

[@PB-or2fd]

Happy for you.

[@ADobbin1]

Marriage and family are the foundation of community, and communities are the foundation of civilization.

[@RIP_Greedo]

While it’s good that people don’t feel compelled to marry young and have kids as a matter of course, I do think it’s a pretty grim that so many people just never do and actively don’t want to. Or maybe they want to but there are no good partners to choose from. The atomization of human relationships and community rolls along. Does it seem like a great society if so few people have any hope for or interest in its future?

[@jeremygreen212]

My now wife and I were together for 12 years before we finally married. We’ve been together since 16 and now at 28 got married. Nothing changed between us and we already had our money/lives merged long before we married.

[@Oliver-cv6pv]

I would abolish marriage completely if I where a president or a "dictator", it’s something so stupid and unnecessary that do more harm that good. I’m 22 and i will never in my life going to get married or making kids, for a lot of reasons.

[@cece4331]

You'd "abolish" marriage because it's "stupid" and "unnecesary". You sound very inmature to be 22. And it's not because you don't want to get married and have kids, it's because if it was up to you nobody would be able to get married or have kids.

[@Oliver-cv6pv]

@@cece4331 I didn't said that nobody should have kids, I just said that marriage should be abolished, in every it’s form.

[@LondonMoneyCashEnterprise]

How we going to raise children without marriage? In communes?

[@Oliver-cv6pv]

@@LondonMoneyCashEnterprise Just living together and loving each other’s. Like for thousands of years before Christianity, but i do understand that society needs to be changed, for many other things, not only marriage.

[@LondonMoneyCashEnterprise]

@@Oliver-cv6pv before monogamy/polygamy we used to raise children in villages i.e. communes, if that’s what your suggesting that’s fine, it’s just that no one lives in tightnit communities anymore

[@kayleighdriessen]

My early-on divorced but caring parents who had their own parents' help in raising me taught me enough on how marriage is a scam and people should just learn to get along as a community again and not constantly force the responsibility of building and sustaining a stable home-environment for children solely on their birthparents especially if the odds aren't working positively enough in their favor.

[@deloctober4369]

Social Media has some impact, I imagine.

[@adrianabarnard6402]

When I was single I was very into just doing things for myself now with kids my husband and I push each other to things for the benefit of our kids which is a completely different type of socialization.

[@IBx27]

I recognize the obvious advantages of having a whole family but rather than guilting the child by calling it a privilege we should be guilting the deadbeat parent.

[@nagisa9147]

I don't think it's guilting the child, it's simply an acknowledgement that what you may perceive as the "norm" actually provides you a great advantage over a good chunk of people who grew up in single parent homes. They shouldn't feel guilty - that's a self-centered feeling - they should feel grateful.

[@Goat.Cheese]

It's not a "guilt" issue, it's just reality. Having two (functional) parents is a huge privilege and gives you a leg-up over many other family situations

[@daughter_of_yeshua]

I do agree that its more accurate to say children without a fathernor mother are disadvantaged rather than those with both are privileged. Two parents is the default biologically.Anything less is a disadvantage and anything more is privilege.

[@nagisa9147]

@daughter_of_yeshua That's just being pedantic. Privilege is relative. That's like saying that being born in a developed country isn't a privilege because our standard of living is the norm. A nuclear two parent household is not the norm, it's a recent, and primarily western phenomenon. Pre-industrial revolution kids around the world were raised by communities and multigenerational households as opposed to isolated nuclear environments.

[@itsDragon_Star]

We were told its happily ever after is came from Disney, while the Word of God said, that being married will have tribulations, even if you are single you'll have tribulation, but having tribulation with your loyal problem is nice. If you accept problems together then its good. God will bless that marriage.

[@Lia-zw1ls7tz7o]

2:29 okay but may that only be true because nuclear families in our society is almost worshipped (especially by conservatives) while other forms of families, especially queer families, are marginalized and not supported as much?

[@dion789]

I long wanted the married with kids ideal. But as a woman getting a child has a deadline and getting a husband doesn't, so single motherhood it is. Having grown up friends whose parents divorced, fought and in one case had an abusive drunkard dad and in my case a sexist dad and brother also made that decision easier. Thankfully I still have some great men in my life who I would be happy to be some kind of rolemodel for my child, just not as a dad.

[@sofiapena4037]

I have the most amazing fiancé! He treats me so well! We’re getting married this February and I honestly cannot wait. We’re both 21 and can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives together, such a shame people don’t believe in marriage

[@MissTi212]

Lovey u are 21....enough said 😂

[@kreed3494]

Are you religious? Have you lived with him?

[@DesiDivaDish-v4l]

Good luck with single mom life 😂😂😂 Your brain isn't even developed did u get educated, 🧐?? R u escaping abusive parents

[@TimeCells2035]

What a nice channel I have found. 😊 Lots to think about. But as I keep listening, it's almost like I read my mind of everything I have been thinking in the past. It's like a confirmation content.