What Is Boarding School Syndrome - Definition and the ABCD of Boarding School Trauma

[@ditadee01]

Ex female boarder here, my boarding school syndrome developed into Complex Ptsd. Although boarding school syndrome is not a medical diagnosis, Cptsd is, it’s recognised by the world health organisation which is the gold standard in regards to global mental health. And if you think you have Boarding School syndrome study in great depth, the work of Pete Walker & complex PTSD. I’m sure you you’ll see the stark resemblance. Rupturing a child’s primary attachments during developmental years along with the captivity, lack of love & emotional attunement is devastating to a young child. It’s not natural to leave a young child without their families & someone who loves them. We survived because we developed a survivors personality, we were still broken underneath. We were children put into care homes, institutionalised, in the name of education & ‘privilege’ Yes of course I recognise the education was a privilege, but not at the expense of being traumatised and emotionally damaged. That’s not a system that is worth anyone’s money. These institutions are built to support war, nearly 3/4 of my dorm were military children. War exists for those that profit from them. It’s a broken system & we are just the collateral damage.

[@pierscross]

@ditadee01 Thank you for your words. I so agree. I too love Pete Walker's work and think that his book on Complex PTSD is amazing and great for ex-boarders. I did reach out to Pete a few years ago to come on my podcast and he said that "boarding schools are a major cause of CPTSD". It is a broken system. Thank you for sharing, Piers

[@ditadee01]

They definitely are, Ive been so grateful after 40 years to finally have a therapist who understands Boarding school syndrome & Cptsd. I’m glad also to find a few others online like yourself who also understand the connection. I’ve never mentioned my boarding school education to anyone as feel I would be misunderstood. We were trained to accept the privilege without anyone understanding the personal consequences. Thank you for your work Piers 🙏🏼

[@anjavlasblom8158]

@@ditadee01 Thank you for sharing. It fills my eyes with tears ... so heartbraking what the hidden wounds are from boarding school. I love it so much that there is a community to be seen and heard.

[@ditadee01]

@@anjavlasblom8158 thank you for your kind words, I’m still in my early days of recovery but it’s been so helpful finding channels like this and others who can relate. Especially after ‘hiding’ / not really understanding what was ‘wrong’ with me for so many years. I realise now that it was not me that was wrong, it was the entire system & generational trauma as my father was also a boarder.

[@tomfaulkner2055]

Exeats were torture. Alot of anticipation and then a few hours of freedom which quickly dissipated into the fear of having to return. And it was obvious that all this concentration on keeping us busy non stop was a means of keeping us from being homesick or too aware of the deprivations of BS.

[@speedypete4987]

One of the worst aspects of the boarder's experience is the gaslighting by their parents who either refuse to have a single conversation with their child about the child's feelings and experiences at boarding school despite sending they away overseas for 13 years (this was my experience) OR they do have a pseudo conversation where they tell the child, "It's the best thing for you", "It's the making of you" or some other such nonsense.

[@qq84]

Your parents are abusive treat them accordingly.

[@speedypete4987]

Abandonment --> Betrayal --> Bereavement --> Coping ---> Captivity --> Dissociation --> Denial of our Emotions (No Empathy) --> Doing Stuff all the Time --> Self Abandonment --> Rinse and Repeat

[@christinedennis678]

Hello Piers, I biked 116 miles to get home, I was sent back . My mother never talked to me about it. I have tears rolling down my cheeks as I type this. I am now 63 years old. Thank you Christopher.

[@pierscross]

Thank you @christinedennis678 for your touching words. Wow, 116 miles and you were sent back! I am amazed how some parents have treated their children regarding boarding school. Take care, Piers

[@ditadee01]

I was too afraid to escape but 2 of my dorm mates did, they were severely punished, I totally understand how you feel, no one should have to fight to be loved & comforted by their own living parents as a child. Your pain is valid and always will be ❤️

[@christinedennis678]

@@ditadee01 The rector was going to cane me but because I cried he left the room. On returning he said I could go. I later on wrote a story about the bike ride and he wrote a foreword for it. I was 14 and in my second year boarding. Thank you, Christopher.

[@christinedennis678]

@@pierscross Thank you for replying, it means a lot to me. Homesickness is a terrible thing that people don't understand. Thank you, Christopher.

[@qq84]

Then you should separate from your parents as soon as possible. They showed you more then clear enough that they hate you.

[@BrightGarlick]

Wonderful summary Piers! After settling out of court here in Australia for many abuses in boarding school, including 70 odd sexual abuses, I've been reviewing everything and always felt the loss and grief and interrupted attachment were the keys to my peculiar development. Even as a therapist for 20 years and a former Buddhist of 15 years I couldn't sort it out. Understanding the logical connections you've outlined, helps me confirm what I have always felt to be true! I'm going back to the sites of my own abuses in boarding school soon! Keep up the great work Piers! ;-)

[@pierscross]

Thank you for your kind words. Sounds like we have been on a similar journey. I am really sorry to hear the struggles and challenges that you have been through. Take care, Piers

[@CMDR_Padoh]

Only just started to look into this and oh boy the tears are flowing right now. I went to boarding school at 12/13 until 17. Always felt something was "wrong". I had time in hospital with physiological illness and have suffered depression. Now diagnosed with fibromyalgia but I think it all stems from school days.

[@pierscross]

Thanks @CMDR_Padoh for sharing. Bless you for awakening to the experiences of boarding school. I remember when I first read Nick Duffell's book I was pretty shocked. You might be interested in the podcast I did with both Nick and Joy who is the author of Boarding School Syndrome: kzbin.info/www/bejne/moHRYYeqjKtsb6csi=bWwBmag3hhe8W3Bt kzbin.info/www/bejne/nXuUfnyaiJuqn7ssi=OITxMoU4r7NxEpJ5 Take care, Piers

[@PelicanSoup]

Thanks Piers, another 57 year old survivor here, (although I didn't know it until recently). I was sent away at 7, family lived abroad, chronic bedwetter till aged 12 (so shipped out for exeats to relatives, or other parents, with teddy and rubber bed-sheet in hand), basically the cause of what I now call my "emotional gobbstopper".....my real self at the centre and multiple hardened layers of protection laid down over the years. Having only recently discovered this "gobbstopper," the stripping back of those layers seems an almost insurmountable task.

[@pierscross]

Hi @PelicanSoup, thanks for your comment. It can certainly feel quite challenging once we have come across this data about the impact of boarding school. It does get easier. There is a Facebook group that you can join that has over a 1000 ex-boarders who share stories and support each other. It is amazing. facebook.com/groups/143749179546597 I also post videos every week and also have a podcast where I have interviewed many of the leaders in the field of boarding school syndrome here: kzbin.info/aero/PLc8DzH2Z1rJiTD-Ac09urerSmPwxxU2E7 Take care, Piers

[@fionaarchibald502]

Love your videos. My father was sent off very young and remained emotionally remote till he died at 43 of a heart attack. I remember feeling very rejected by him as a little girl. How sad all this is. Thanks for your work, at least with knowledge some of us can stop blaming and hating ouselves

[@richardrickford3028]

Excellent talk Piers. I am still trying to protect myself from being abandoned at boarding school even though I am now in my early fifties. I suspect this is very common. Although I am slowly becoming more emotionally honest, I seem to be in a battle against this out of date "protector". My default position is to keep people at arms length (often quite literally) Being honest about how I feel and making emotional links with people and how they are feeling is still a real uphill struggle. I often protect myself (as many people do) by being a bit of a comedian and making lots of very corny jokes and this is a kind of mask I can put on. So any support and ideas Piers about how we as boarders can coax ourselves into being more intimate (of which sex is only an optional part despite the doctrine of society) would be much appreciated. Having said that I find the boarding school survivors groups you do for men really helpful in this and I would encourage other men with experiences similar to mine to go on them. Also I hope that such groups do exist for female boarding school survivors too. An important additional question for people is - was boarding school the first place they were abandoned or did it strengthen feelings of abandonment that were already there? This pre boarding school sense of abandonment can be many things such as having a sibling born who needed a lot of medical attention. to parents setting up a "golden child" and "scapegoat child" family structure without even being aware, or honest about what they are doing. In case of the latter I have known several families that have had this mentality and it can be devastating for the scapegoat child and the golden child can become very arrogant and entitled. If the scapegoat child then complains about the unfair set up or starts to misbehave because they are so angry this can be used by the parents to demonstrate that the scapegoat child is indeed "no good" and the whole abusive structure of the family becomes more strengthened. The scapegoat child may then be sent to boarding school to "sort them out".

[@karin9316]

@richardrickford3028- the scape goat child sent to boarding school over here. Making friends with the feeling wheel by dr. Gloria Wilcox . For me I can identify the main feelings but struggle to identify the underlying ones. It’s been helpful having it close at hand when trying to get to know myself better. This is a journey for sure!

[@richardrickford3028]

@@karin9316 Thank you so much for your reply Karin and I wish you every bit of luck and hopefully growing happiness on your journey. I know what you mean about the difference between main feelings and underlying ones. Medicine can become problematic when symptoms are treated as the main problem (a classic case of this can be insomnia). The same can be true for some forms of more superficial therapy where the symptom is dealt with as the main problem when there is something bigger and deeper underneath. I think an example here can be lack of assertiveness (symptom) being caused by a chronic lack of self esteem and someone being captive to a really viscous inner critic (problem) But I really hope you identify your underlying feelings. Remember all the good in yourself and that you have a right to be happy.

[@petermcinnes5575]

I know you occasionally do interviews with Australians. Please check out Martin Flanagan’s The empty honour board: a school memoir. Flanagan is from a multi-talented catholic Tasmanian family (he is not to be confused with his more internationally famous brother Richard). His recent interview on ABC’s (Australia’s BBC equivalent) podcast Conversations was raw evidence of the damage boarding school can do. Just started the book. Many connections I think with your work Piers. He seems aware of the English boarding school syndrome work but to be honest I wasn’t sure from listening to the ABC interview. Keep up the good work.

[@pierscross]

Thank you Peter. I will have a look out for Martin Flanagan. I have not heard about him before but it looks like he would be a perfect guest. Thanks for sharing Peter, Piers

[@karin9316]

Hi Piers, thanks again for this. Your description of reframing anxiety as excitement is an eye opener. I am going to try this! ♥

[@vanessasworder]

Hello Piers from Florida

[@shaunmarshall1845]

Hurn court school was a doddle some of this I recognise but not much

[@Anne-Fabienne]

Gosh, all of it 😱

[@JayDo0m]

😢😊❤ how ducking tragically dead. Thus is how I feel in my mothers home. The sad truth is that I dont belong 🤢👽😎🤬👾💩🧐😘😎

[@pierscross]

Thanks for sharing @JayDo0m. I am really sorry to hear of your experiences. Take care, Piers

[@JayDo0m]

@@pierscross it'll pass. Its a dummy situation but when i can find my own place. Me and her always get on better. Thanks for checking on me dude 🥰🤘🤩

[@sarka4727]

If theyre privileged as was said then why dont they just leave?

[@pierscross]

Thank you @sarka4727, what a great question. It is very complex. On one level because it is a privlege and it cost up to £50,000 a year it is seen as a huge failure if you leave - it can bring shame upon the family. On another level the family often has ties with the school - parents often go to the same school. The child feels that they don't want to let the side down. Another level I only saw two guys leave during my time on their own volition because the bullying was horrific (and one came back because the bullying was even worse in another boarding school.) Another level is the belief that if you leave you are giving up the chance of the best education. Many children want to do everything they can do to please their parents so there is a double bind, as Nick Duffell calls it. I am damned if I stay and I am damned if I leave. I hope that this clarifies, take care, Piers

[@sarka4727]

@@pierscross thank you for responding. Although, i respectfully disagree with the double bind thing you had said. Personally, i feel like school no matter the cost of education is not worth sacrificing ones own will and wellbeing for. What one school can teach you so can another as well as self teachings. I dont believe parents have the right to ship there child off and then have the child feel somehow guilty if they let there parent that (by the videos words) abandoned them, down if they leave it. They truly have no say in the matter its the kids life and there decision to decide what they do. So i feel ultimately that if the kid stays because of there parents sake then, they shouldnt complain about it later. (I dont mean to sound rude by saying this which it may come off that way its just, i dont like people who worsen there situation then turn around and say oh yeah this happened to me when, they had all the means to get out of said situation. I hope that makes sense.) It hardly seems like privileged is the right word for situations like that.

[@franStamps]

No one mentions those that were sent to ordinary boarding schools….mine was basic run by Nuns who were cold and treated us like orphans. You have no choice but stay when you are nine years old and your parents are in a different country. How I’m I supposed to get on a plane or boat without my passport which is removed from you when you arrive at school? At that age you do as your parents tell you and you think this is normal. Eventually you stop crying and get on with it. I was bullied and had no one to turn to. Back at home on holiday we were never given the opportunity to discuss our mental wellbeing. My mother wanted happy holidays! When I finally convince them I wasn’t happy I had become institutionalised and couldn’t cope being at school near home. It wasn’t all bad but I now understand that I missed out emotionally on many levels. I find it hard to make friends and as soon as they become close I usually push them away. People who haven’t boarded just don’t understand.

[@alan-the-maths-tutor]

Because they are children and have no control over their lives.