What is PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance)? (Part 2)

[@cherylprice2667]

My husband and I have started a grandparents PDA support group through PDA North America. Our best info comes from the UK and Australia. I found Max’s comment about people in America not knowing PDA was on point. I hope now that I have subscribed to your channel, I will catch more of your videos.

[@Comfa]

Glad to hear you found them Useful,. What other topics would you like us to cover?

[@turtleanton6539]

What an interesting video

[@Angelchakra]

I’m experiencing so much of this with my youngest, this has been hugely helpful thank you so much.

[@Comfa]

So glad to hear, it’s important to us people know they aren’t alone!

[@neets4483]

Thank u, as a parent of a child with PDA it’s nice to hear others experiences :)

[@Comfa]

You are very welcome, that is exactly why we created this channel, to help others not feel so alone 🙂

[@SweetiePieTweety]

Such an excellent video thank you for doing us this! Incredible insight and understanding. I do believe both of my sons are PDA yes they present differently and their anxiety response my youngest is a fighter and very creative seems to present a lot like your son yet my oldest his response was to freeze and shut down and I think that these get missed yet the pattern is the same it’s when the demand is placed and I resonate with this now that I have an understanding that I am a fawn, a people pleaser, Which may be a more common female presentation. Sadly I do believe the final response in a female makes one the most vulnerable that fight response you’re saying “No” in a loud way and often gets labeled as ODD, the freeze response is a strong silent “No” and often labeled the same, but with the fawn people pleasing the “No” never gets expressed except through a sudden emotional relationship “event”, And is often labeled borderline personality disorder hinged on abandonment fear and there’s a lifetime of regret and going along to get along Of body and substance abuse and often a lot of dv relationships. This PDA presentation of the fawn response makes the young fawner very vulnerable in society. Just my thoughts. I think so many get overlooked because of those different presentations of flight fight freeze. Flight is going to be the primary so often, but then that secondary response of the core personality can determine the presentation. It’s the core personality that determines which tool gets pulled out of the box and honed and use the most. And yes different tools are used based on the different presentation of the personality you are dealing with. But they’re all used and they’re all in the toolbox. Extreme Anxiety due to Demand is the Situation. The human brain toolbox of extreme anxiety based on demands only comes with flight, fight, freeze, fawn… or die. Sadly these tools get labeled as control and manipulation based on a won’t versus an anxiety can’t. Defiance vs Disability that is undiagnosed and therefore places a demand on the person that they can’t meet versus they won’t meet. What’s a smart brain to do but pull out all of the tools in the anxiety toolbox to try to survive and use them to the best of their creative ability🤷‍♀️ lest they die? Proper diagnosis is critical to stop the individual from having to pull out their demand avoidance anxiety toolbox and default to creative tactics of control and manipulation just to survive. The answer and the solution is identifying the true functioning ability of the individual, allowing that unique individual to know themselves (autonomy) and allow them to drive in their own functioning lane pacing pausing as needed and necessary so as to not break down or have or cause accidents. Allowing them to be the driver of their own car their own body their own vehicle at their own ability level in their own pace and their own skill in their own time with bumpers to build the confidence that they can trust other people to allow them to actually function on their own ability level not societal expectations… but it’s safe to be who they are and function as they can vs always having to step up to someone else’s demand when it feels so so bad when you do and try Yet it doesn’t for other people and so then you begin to resist all demands Because you can’t trust other people to know how that demand is going to impact you and your body and your brain in your world. Because you simply are not like them and your experience is not like theirs and therefore you can’t trust them to know what is OK for you you can only trust yourself. Not being able to trust others is a really scary place to be when you’re dependent on them for your very existence.

[@Comfa]

That is such a deep dive into the workings of how someone who is PDA operates. Would you mind if we share this on our other social media profiles?

[@SweetiePieTweety]

@@Comfa Of course!!!! What a compliment. Thank you. Made my day ❤️

[@Comfa]

Great, will be posted tomorrow

[@Casiielake]

I think i have the fawn response as a kid i used people pleasing to survive. I just learned about pda today, and i believe i def have it. The son of the couple in the video acts just like i did at that age, from the endless figeting, to rolling to answering questions while distracted with doing other things… its all exactly me and how i used to be, it feels surreal tht someone else could be like tht too. I wish i had such supportive parents, my single mom would excessively punish me, or use shame or other methods to get me to obey like physical punishment and i learned to hide my behaviors and became extremely socially withdrawn in middle and high school. I always felt like something was wrong with me but could never figure out what. I was always exhausted from masking all day long, my only joy was when i was home alone and i could be free. School was unbearable and i felt like i was drowning 24/7, and the worst part was i was completely alone in this process, i avoided listening to my therapist and they would give up on me after a while. Still trying to heal but cant work and live with grandparents who let me live with them for free all i have to do is help around the house. Still barely healing at all and i dont really know what to do. Hoping that learning more about this will help me. Thanks so much for the video

[@marjattaelliott1158]

This was very helpful, thank you for this video.

[@Comfa]

So very glad you found it helpful, we are so happy to be able to help others who are in the same position we were a few years ago

[@teresab2009]

Great video. Definitely sounds like myself as a child. But my grandson definitely has issues when being 'told' what to do. Give him options he's awesome. I have that high IQ also. But again thank you!

[@Comfa]

So glad you found the video useful, it takes a while to get your head around how to word things in a way that works for him, especially when you were raised differently. Glad you found us 😀

[@M.Shepardbee]

For me its about equilibrium. I need to trust that would wont take advantage of my Want to help. A huge demand like clean your room is fine... but an absolutely right now needs a reason. Like there is family comming over, much like how you need your squeeze stress toy, some of them need cleanliness to feel comfortable... which is super understandable. If you then start asking things after that task is done.. well now you've just unbalanced things again.

[@M.Shepardbee]

But like.. that equilibrium this the control that can make any situation manageable. I have to go to work to make money so I can pay my bills.. fuck the bills. I go to work so I can help my father, so I can help support my wife and child. I pay my bills because couples live together and split expenses . I can manage work everyday because I get things done and done well and unless I fuck up really really bad... it doesn't matter they won't fire a skill they need. That is an evolition of: going to my father's work to play a video game i needed the internet for, then realizing i wanted to buy stuff.. that and my cousin was going to start working there. He left in the start of the year, but I knew my father was proud of me.. so I tried to live up to how good he was ... knowing that he wouldn't let me get fired.. so I could ultimately do whatever... but mostly I wanted to do better for him.. so on bad days when I just didn't want to work ( after feeling really bad for not going a few times in my life) I used the threat of feeling anxious and guilty for not going .... with the opportunity of more money on payday.... which eventually turned into a place to practice making people laugh.. reserving the money side as a last resort.. (okay I wasn't going to go.. but my dad and work need me.. so I will use the 60$ I wouldn't have made for staying home.. and buy myself sl.ething)

[@M.Shepardbee]

I'm sure knowing why I did that would have me in a better position today.. but here we are.. learning. also on equilibrium... if you hate a feeling.. it might be why someone loves it.. so if you try and like it... maybe you would like it... there's always atleast 2 sides the all things.

[@M.Shepardbee]

I'm sure knowing why I did that would have me in a better position today.. but here we are.. learning. also on equilibrium... if you hate a feeling.. it might be why someone loves it.. so if you try and like it... maybe you would like it... there's always atleast 2 sides the all things.

[@Comfa]

That’s so wonderful and insightful, thankyou for explaining how understanding the reasoning behind a demand can help you, and also how reframing a demand as a way of achieving something you want rather than something you have to do is helpful too

[@amyl3742]

In your video with Max he talked about a beast that takes control of him. My son has said this same thing before. My question is, did you guys name this beast, or did he? Do you have any more information about this?

[@Comfa]

He named it, it was quite alarming at first as trying to work out whether it was something serious like a mental health condition, but it seems it’s commonly a way for people who are PDA to deal with the immense guilt they feel about how they are when having a meltdown. Even though they can’t control it.

[@Lakorayoga]

Omg about the favourite things. My daighter said to my other day. She doesnt like herself anymore because she doesnt find minecraft as fun as she did. Definitely sounds like pda, right?

[@Comfa]

That certainly sounds like the result of a self demand- I should be enjoying this therefore I’m not because of the demand of enjoying it.

[@Stalemarshmallow]

Thanks for your help friends. I am currently a behavioral therapist for an autistic girl who seems to really fit this profile. I’m in school too and doing a lot of research but these personal accounts are so helpful.

[@Comfa]

Hope it helps other children out in the future through you too