WHAT IS THE FAWN RESPONSE? (COMPULSIVE CARETAKING & THE FAWN TRAUMA RESPONSE) | DR. KIM SAGE

This video explores the Fawn Type Trauma Response, and its relationship to being compulsive caretakers, in every aspect of our lives. Additionally, we examine the steps we need to take in order to work on changing and healing, and how we learn to go from always being everything to everyone else, at the expense of our own mental and physical health, to focusing more on who we want to be, and how we want to live our lives.
We were trained to believe that it was never about us, and we often believe that our needs are literally worth nothing, are non-existent or unimportant.
If you are "fawned out," -- this video was meant for you.
******FOR MORE INFORMATION ONLINE COURSES AND FREE CHECKLIST:
www.drsagehelp.com
****************************************
Please check out my courses (LINK ABOVE):
1. BORDERLINE AND NARCISSISTIC PARENTS: HEALING AND DEALING WITH YOUR TRAUMA
(*This course is designed specifically for you if you were raised by parents who had Narcissistic, Borderline or significantly Emotionally Immature parents.)
2. RE-MOTHERED: TRANSFORM YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD INTO AN INTERNALIZED, LOVING "MOTHER"
(***This course is designed to help you learn to heal your inner child AND your inner parent if you experienced a complicated childhood or challenging relational wounds).
3. IDENTIFYING CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND NEGLECT (FREE COURSE)
CHECKLIST IS INCLUDED IN ALL 3 COURSES!!
xo
***Please note! I am so sorry but my practice is full at this time and I cannot accept new patients. If you would like to be added to my waitlist, please email me at [e-mail] and I will email you only when a spot becomes available. I cannot guarantee a spot will open, however, so please know I care very much, but am limited at this time given my case load.
* Additionally, I am only able to work with California residents for weekly therapy once available. If you are interested, please also add in a few brief details in your email including your reasons for seeking treatment, current diagnoses, concerns, etc.
Please visit my website www.drkimsage.com to obtain info on fees, treatment, resources, etc!
Thank you so very much, and I wish you love and healing on your journey.:)

[@livnyberg2721]

This is very much me. I was basically a household servant and live-in therapist to a volatile mother, with a father that travelled for work. At one point as a teenager I was even blow-drying her hair every time she’d shower, because she’d decided it was my job. It was too scary to refuse.. I was a lady in waiting. I now find it really hard to not constantly help others. Any problem I hear, I have trouble letting go of. It’s easier to fix it than forget it. But I’m learning

[@allisonfry3854]

Same, but my dad was in and out of my life for other reasons. My mom made me brush her hair for hours when she was tired or hungover, so multiple times a week. I'm also learning ❤

[@jenniferfitzgerald369]

Wow....I can relate to your story completely!!!!! I was working on a self esteem workbook and I ended up writing down how many chores I had to get done before "my parents" threw a party....it was 385!!!!!! I wrote down each and every single thing I was responsible for and at the end I just burst into tears!!! Then of course I was never allowed to socialize with guests, mainly who were family and close friends! I was expected to be the servant and not to be seen or heard. Even today at almost 42, no matter what I have to talk to them about, it always feels like they are just sooo annoyed and angry at having to listen to me. They make me sick, quite literally. We live on a piece of property together in different houses, and I don't ever get asked questions or they never just come over to see if I need anything. They don't talk to me at all, not even about my children. It's been extremely hard to explain this to my friends and boyfriend. They never understand and what's even worse friends I have been close to for 38 years think I am making it all up...as if I could possibly think this nastiness up!!! Never!!! Sorry, I didn't mean to dump on you or just unload!!!! I seriously have never met anyone else who has dealt with anything similar to mine!!!!! This is the first video that has ever got it right either!!! Is this your experience as well??? I'm so grateful for finding this channel!!! If you ever want to talk I would certainly be interested. Sorry, lol, I'm not normally this forward ever, but this is so unique I can't help it! If you aren't interested I do mind one bit!!! Not an issue, just wanted to see if you have had the same experience about finding the video that rings true!!!! Thanks for sharing your experience, I really appreciate it!!!!❤

[@sassy2215]

I was nearly finished with cosmetology training but quit when I realized I would be doing my mother’s hair twice a week for the rest of her life!! I had inadvertently added yet another skill set that would keep me in servitude to the family. I totally relate to the “therapist in residence” and the household servant, and baby sitter and marriage counselor when one parent pushed it too far with the other. My cousins called me Cinderella. It was that obvious. When I finally started to create boundaries( in my 50’s) and actually stick to them, I was discarded. It was a relief.

[@dnk4559]

I’m so sorry you experienced this.

[@bouchrakartobi180]

​@@sassy2215 😅

[@jenaya_laila2442]

Seeking safety by using servitude! 😱 Spot on! Combine that with a fear of saying no to anything and yes to anything and you've got a human being that doesn't feel him/herself and never gets anywhere.

[@TheIndigodog]

This video just shocked me into the realization that the love I thought I had with my parents was probably more Stockholm Syndrome and Fawning for survival than anything. Now I feel lifted and sad at the same time. Thanks

[@jenniferfitzgerald369]

I can understand that feeling! I finally had to tell myself that it was okay to grieve for the parents that I never had. It sounds weird, I didn't come up with the idea myself, but it's honestly really helped me to move on and especially to STOP trying to have those relationships! The more I tried to talk to them or spend time with them the more crushed I was getting because obviously the answer was always no, too busy!! I finally had to just give up to start the process of healing my heart. It's been tough but at least I see them for who they are now and don't upset myself by trying. Another Rand note, the very second that the nurse handed my first born baby girl to me I instantly shot my mom this look of death!!! The second I held her I knew just how absolutely insane ass backwards they were as parents and I was never the same. I couldn't believe they could ever do that to their child!!! I felt that instantly! Sounds crazy but I'm very happy it happened. I finally saw everything for what it was.. Sorry....I don't normally just talk to people like this, lol, I think it's because I am still in shock for finally finding a video that explains me to a t!! Good luck with everything!!!

[@FollowmedowntheNumberWhole]

@@jenniferfitzgerald369I’m dealing with this too. You’re not alone.

[@lisahead6868]

Well said, lifted and sad

[@gbrl006]

When dr Kim said abt parents often saying that we are selfish when kids, that resonated so hard, I remembered my mom telling me that and that I only was thinking of myself and being selfish as a child when it was pretty much the opposite, I would not ask for what I needed, I would try to figure things out myself because asking did not have a positive response, it was most of the times “too much” and I felt I was overburdening my parents so I learned not to.

[@bridiemacdonald9436]

Same. Hugs.

[@randomcrap4230]

Yes! Same! I was told I was selfish any time I didn't immediately jump up to my mom's every request. If I was sick and didn't feel like waiting on her, I was selfish. If I was sad and going through my own stuff and just wanted to be alone, I was selfish. If I asked for help, I was yelled at. So I stopped asking. My mom always made me feel like my mere existence was a burden to her. At least after I turned about 7 and stopped being a cute tiny little baby doll to her that she could dress up and do whatever she wanted to and started becoming my own person with my own personality and ideas.

[@suzee_bee]

Can totally relate to this! My mum constantly called me selfish. It wasn’t until I gave birth to my own daughters that I realised selfish wasn’t a descriptive that fit me. I unfortunately struggled for years to understand my upbringing & had this attachment to my mum in the hopes that she would be a better grandmother to my daughters than she was a mum to me. That didn’t happen! I’m now 40 & my beautiful twin daughters are 14 & I’ve only just found the courage to cut all ties with my mum & my only regret is not realising what I know now & doing it sooner. I did a great disservice to my daughters by hoping she would give them what she didn’t give me but that part of our lives is over & we are thriving without the toxicity. The generational cycle of abuse ends here for my girls & I. We have our own family to think about & set a loving path for the future generations we have yet to come. My heart goes out to girls & women all over the world who have to deal with abusive & narcissistic mothers. It does get better I promise but unfortunately for my experience the only solution was no contact! Don’t wait until your 40……do it now!

[@dbruce5760]

Same. We didn't have birthday parties because it was selfish.

[@BachBeethovenBerg]

Same!

[@PreciousT.]

Is it normal for EVERYTHING to resonate. Like everything. Just hit a breakthrough, literally 4 days ago where I realized as I've been healing, I pause more, I think just a little before speaking. I have always got on my bf/kids about not IMMEDIATELY responding to my questions....now realizing I was conditioned to have FAST responses, or a ready made response. And that fast mode, sends me into frustration/anger. PAUSING IS SAFE HEALTHY AND NORMAL 🤗

[@rascallyrabbit]

what an amazing video. when I had no one to care take and retired from my profession, I realized I had no self. I was what everyone else needed me to be.

[@carolynhiscock9457]

Retired nurse and widow here …same .

[@lindamcmanus3057]

I have a best friend who lives with addiction, and my natural inclination towards the fawn response which began in childhood has been exploited by her for 20 years.

[@ut-ohMary]

I'm amazed when I listen to videos from doctors like yourself who understand exactly down to the physical ailments of people like us who were raised by abusive parents. I'm 64 and feeling like I'm on my last leg, I always prided myself on getting things done each day even through all the emotional and physical pain my entire life. Now if I can even get up and get dressed is a plus,...the energy it takes to just get up, even for a few hours,...is about all I have anymore,.....I just placed her in nursing care for her worsening dementia and thank God my sister convinced her to sign over power of attorney before she completely went into speaking gibberish,.....and even NOW after years, DECADES of not being able to free myself from her control,...I still sit and wonder did I sign her death warrant? She once screamed at us to never put her in a nursing home. I just could not do it anymore, I could not leave her to die in her home because she refused home care,....all she wanted was for me to kill myself coming over 7 days a week, never a day to myself, and taking care of all her needs and her dog's. And stupidly, I did it, until my health finally gave out. I've finally said NO MORE!....I'm grateful for you Dr. Sage, and stumbling upon your videos to help me understand why I stayed in this trauma bond all these years. God bless you!

[@erykahhoney588]

Definitely me and I became a nurse 🤦🏾‍♀️ Once I started focusing on myself I have moved away from bedside nursing. I felt that was interesting. The more I don’t take care of others I want to take care of myself more. I love it here

[@goldieh7121]

Well explained, thank you! I have found that the most dangerous people are those that I feel obligated to over share or explain myself to. First they ask me one question after another while interrupting each answer with another question until they take over the conversation for a while not really letting me respond to anything they say. Finally, they ask me what I've been up to and when I'm done there is awkward silence, so I feel a need to overshare. This is definitely what my mom does. She will also ask me about the details of my friend's lives that are details I've never even thought to ask my friends, too personal. She will tell me all the details she learned about people she knows, way too much information, but she uses it to compare her life to by concern trolling. She manages to find time to monologue between all the questions she asks others. No conversation with her is short and sweet. I am finally learning to have normal conversations with safe people. I once heard it described in a movie like a ping pong game, a natural back and forth. Someone can have the time to tell their story, the other can respond and tell their story,, and there's no agenda. It feels so calming on the nervous system

[@estrogenacres801]

I don't have any idea of who I am. My life is based on what I can do for others. I'm 57 years old and a disabled nurse, and I'm still trying to find my place.

[@Nibiru3600X]

Sounds to me like you’re a fellow healer & I thank you🙏 You’ve done your part for other people; don’t forget you are “people” to. It’s time to heal You 🙌❤️‍🩹💫

[@hussfamaz6368]

This is literally me!!! With my aging mom now 70 and even more demanding and degrading… I’ve struggled with Hashimoto’s autoimmune disease for 20+ years… and cannot heal it despite trying everything because there is so much toxicity. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and helping to guide us on the path of healing ❤️‍🩹 Dr.Sage you are a true gift from God 🙏🏼

[@lizdennett9002]

Me too, I have hypothyroidism and mom is 80. Learning to accept her but not expect her anymore. It's been so tiring and I get the not healing. God bless. My mother can't handle me having anything wrong. That's a whole other video! Thankful for a space to share 🙏

[@steviemac3453]

Find ways & time to meditate. Nourish your body with healthy food & healthy thoughts. Even if you can't separate yourself from them you can definitely find ways to be good to yourself. Best wishes🙏🙏💜

[@julieh1160]

Yes me too. My mom is 75 snd I’m a only child. I always tell my children never have a only child. It’s just not fair to them. Learning about all of this makes it both easier and almost harder in some ways. I’m so happy to have this space to share with you all and Dr Kim. As far as Hashimoto’s, the Carnivore diet is supposed to be really helpful with that. Dr Berry and his wife Neisha have gotten really good results with her hashimotos in this way of eating, they have a lot of videos on KZbin. Dr Berg has some good info on this as well. I hope it helps.

[@whatsitallabout2901]

I'm not an only child and still do all of it!! 😔

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Any chance you could just dump her? Doesn’t matter what you do- some one somewhere will still say horrible things about you. You have a moral responsibility to look after your own health. I hope you are able to live alone. It’s amazing how not lonely it is.

[@JustMe-qq3rc]

Finally after 60 years broke free from living my life through my Mothers opinions and decisions. I just stopped. I help when she needs something but the rest of the time I mind my own business and it has calmed me down significantly. I have stepped down as her shoulder to lean on.

[@lisahead6868]

Oh my gosh. I needed this session at this time. So so me. I never had an opinion of my own as a teenager and early twenties but I just didn’t ponder the reason. I wasn’t home much either. I was forced to get a job at 15 to pay for my own clothes, health and dental care. I was dedicated to do well in high school, go on to college and luckily had a boyfriend at 17 with similar goals. My little brother took his life in January at 42 and it’s almost as if a locked door in my memory was kicked open. So many times I just agreed with nonsense and sat by as my privacy was invaded and family was alienated with unstable adversarial drama as if lined up in turn. I’ve reached a limit, a breaking point a tolerance cliff.

[@alaysja8793]

a similar thing happened to me. i locked away my childhood and was silent in my teen years but when a death happened everything came to the surface

[@nickieglazer7065]

So sorry to hear about your brother. Sending you the biggest hug right now ❤

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

My condolences- I lost my brother the same way. Now your job is to find you. They are totally beyond redemption. There is nothing there. Jerry Wise on KZbin says the adult dysfunctional/ narcissistic family is hopeless but not serious! As in we are adults, yes it’s totally hopeless, they’ll never change, but we cannot be held there like we were as children. Healing is a slow and hard road- even getting some of the way there is worth all the effort. I had all that stuff as a teenager too etc.

[@lisahead6868]

@@nickieglazer7065 thank you

[@Dee-Ann_Louise]

I just recently awakened to the fact that I fawn. It is so icky. I honestly don't know who I am, at the age of almost 49, because of my narcissist parent. We are given the wounds we are meant to help others heal. Thank you for this video. I hope to start loving this aspect of myself. Thank you for giving it light. ❤

[@corinnekelley8133]

I totally get the icky. I call it sticky. I get sticky with people.

[@Dee-Ann_Louise]

@@corinnekelley8133 🫂

[@corinnekelley8133]

@@Dee-Ann_Louise

[@askew9976]

Almost 47, still doing this. I flee and fawn. I’m here with you. We can get through this.

[@askew9976]

@@corinnekelley8133I’m a leech if you let me. When I find someone that matches my energy and trauma…I’m stuck to them.

[@teresahelman1252]

Children are meant to be seen and not heard , raising children is just like raising bird dogs , he kicked the bird dogs ribs if they barked , we had to fawn between picking our own willow switches. Sixty one years of hell , dad has been gone for fifteen years . Add a covert mother and overt father on the narcissist scale and it was a nightmare i have three sibling left and had to go no contact because i was the family scapegoat and they were brainwashed to treat me viciously too. I have heart deseise , auto immune and now a dairy allergy so bad i have to carry an epi pen. Its lonely but peaceful now and at my age im trying to figure out who i am besides the family trash bin, i live fairly rural without means of a good counselor, your videos are excellent and an incredible help to me and many others I'm sure. Thankyou for your professional content, they may have bent the heck out of me but never fully broke me but my mind and body took a toll.

[@ladyoftheveil8342]

To me fawning is trying to keep my abuser satisfied even if it means I suffer

[@mercyme8014]

I think of it as “niceness”…allowing ALL others to be themselves at my expense.

[@emmaswepston]

It has taken attending medical school for me to realize that my compulsive fawning puts everyone else before me- and now that I have to focus on developing myself as a future physician, it has been excruciating to ignore the needs of others- even when I had no business trying to solve their problems or stay the favorite child to my BPD mom. Thank you for your videos. You have a unique insight that I am so glad you have chosen to share.

[@YesYesYesJeff]

Maybe once you get your doctorate you'll learn that fawning isn't a genuine empathetic response helpful for the other person either though.

[@Alesanascreamokid]

This video shocked me. Purchasing safety…thats exactly how I feel

[@erykahhoney588]

Omg I have “shame spirals” but didn’t know what that was about

[@MC-pu8pw]

I’m so sad because I feel like you have described me 💯. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family by narcissistic parents. I was raised to parent and care for my parents emotional needs. I was neglected physically and emotionally and was responsible for caring for my sibling. I was often told I was too sensitive and to stop or I’d be given something to cry about. I don’t like talking about myself, I love caring for others and listening. I feel things so deeply that sometimes it feels overwhelming. I feel too much and not enough all at the same time. I’m 43 and still trying to win the affection of my family. As a wife and mom I definitely seek peace at all costs and yes, often feel depleted because I don’t want to choose something that is not whatever everyone else wants.

[@evarogalsweiss9621]

Me, it took me getting very sick. At a point where I wasn't physically able to do a lot to realize I have to care about me and put me first. No one else will put me first.

[@matilda4406]

so parents are wonderful assistants in the speedway to diseases, autoimmune diseases, mental disorders, etc.

[@maryjanemorris2877]

This video really hit so close to home… I have always had a strong maternal instinct beginning in childhood as the oldest daughter of a BPD mother and mostly absent father… At an early age I became the caretaker of my family…Then as a single parent to my own son and daughter… Now I am a grandmother to my daughter’s adorable three month old son… My daughter lives four hours away but FaceTimes me several times a week for mothering advice… It seems as I have spent most of my life as a caretaker but have never had a motherly figure that I could depend on… My husband often refers to me as our family’s Mama Lion… Actually my caretaking tendency may be that I am fawning to meet others needs because that is all I have ever known… Thank you for your enlightening videos, Dr. Sage _\m/

[@leona2222]

Wow! So profound!

[@YesYesYesJeff]

You sure like to talk yourself up to strangers. Kind of narcissistic.

[@cyndimoring9389]

Yes, I have always been a caretaker of children, choosing to teach elementary school for decades. I suddenly realize at age 68 that I need to stop and take care of myself. I am not interested in substitute teaching, having pets or taking on grandchildren’s needs. Before I die, I want to be the one who I take care of

[@spikygreen]

14:30 - as you are becoming more aware and present with your emotions, learning to validate and honour your emotional expressions. For so many of us, we learn to stuff them away and shame them. It's how we talk to our child: "It's ok that you talked so much about that at lunch. That was you being your true real self and not trying to present as someone else. There is no need to feel ashamed of that." My feelings matter, my thoughts and beliefs matter. (Instead of "what do I need to be for other people" - "what do I want to be for myself")

[@dieresis9]

Being an INFP, part of being myself is taking joy in helping others realize their potential. The danger for me is in doing so at the expense of developing my own gifts, asking for what I need, or simply making time for myself. The pause response you discussed is what I now find most helpful. Do I feel reluctance to take credit or ask for something? If so, make myself do the opposite of my first inclination. Though I fail many times, that practice is helping.

[@amadahyrose]

Same xoxo

[@Freya-qu9wo]

You sound more like an INFJ.

[@anoncspan4129]

​@@Freya-qu9wonah

[@FlyingMonkies325]

Those personalities aren't real, be yourself and don't let personality tests define you because we're all multifaceted and can do many things and like many things. Explore it all and every aspect of yourself, don't define it to one thing.

[@jhammond1507]

I am a fawner, but it has backfired on me and now I am alone all the time. I'm the youngest of 7 (and now 57) and put down by my siblings all my life. I was the one who ended up wanting to take care of mom in her last years of her life. I was until my brother and sister blocked me from going to our family farm where mom was alone in a big house and just wanted me to visit her. They didn't want to do anything for her, they just didn't want me to do it anymore. Mom passed in 2015, but I am now on disability because I have CPTSD, major depression, anxiety and chronic pain with fibromyalgia. I have lost almost all of my friends and all my family except 1 sister I take care of because she had a major brain injury, and nobody else would take care of her. It just seems like nobody understands what I'm going through! I do have a therapist I see 2 x's a week, but I can't seem to move on. It really SUCKS!! ;o( Love to listen to you Dr. Kim! I have shared some of your post with my therapist who is showing them to other patients!! I appreciate you so much!! Best, Jody

[@ads214]

My parents were and are great. They had a very stable relationship, rarely argued, didn't depend on us kids for anything or expect anything too much from us. Yet I check all the boxes on the C-PTSD Fawn checklist. Why is this? The only thing I can really guess is that I find it hard to find the line between being pleasant to be around VS being too nice, or sticking up for my own needs VS being selfish, or being willing to reasonably compromise VS caving into someone else. I find I have no "compass" for any of these things.

[@wendylyles2204]

Thank you so much for your videos! I'm not in trauma therapy at the moment and I find watching these videos so helpful for trying to actively address my issues without access to a therapist for one on one guidance. I had never heard of fawning before and man oh man is this 100% me 24/7/365. My dad was an emotionally unstable drug addict who presented a physical threat to me as a child. And my mother was the (relatively) stable adult. So fawning kept me physically safe from dad, but my mom quickly enmeshed me with herself early on...("it's me and you against the world" sort of thing)..so fawning also became a way to stay safe with her emotionally. Because she was my only "safe" space and losing that comfort from her was too devastating to even imagine. So I grew up fawning for everyone, all the time, in order to stay loved. ....that was a major realization for me. Thank you so much.

[@sharleenwhite5905]

This totally describes me to a tea, I finally make sense. I know now why I did the things I did. 😢

[@jennifer8724]

Quoting Edie Brickells song “Nothing” grabbed my attention right away, one of my favorite singers

[@kimbers1238]

I wish my therapist would watch ur videos. They are so validating and helpful

[@Dee-Ann_Louise]

Ticks me off a little that I feel I need to have permission to tap into my fight aspect. However, thank you for this permission. There is a huge part of me who feels I don't deserve to fight for myself. Except that I do deserve it. 💯

[@MadisonJackson-zy3dm]

The biggest trigger for me was when a fight between my mom and sister got so bad that my mom left. At the time, it felt like she left for good when she really just left for a week and I was terrified. I then immediately made the following rules in my head: 1. Don’t make mom upset 2. If mom is upset at, don’t make her more upset 3. If mom is upset at you, do everything you can to end the fight as quickly as possible 4. If mom asks you to jump, ask “how high?” It became so engrained into my being that once my mom stopped yelling for a hot minute, it was hard to re-motivate myself to get things done because there was no fire under my ass. I also got so used to the shouting, that I noticed that my brain would sometimes imagine high-stress situations rife with shouting because I guess silence made me uncomfortable. It is still so hard to truly heal myself when I still live with her, but I make enough now to where I could move out and rough it on my own. The biggest problems are that a nagging part of me keeps telling me that if I leave, the house will fall apart, and that pleasing people is so deeply etched into me that I’m terrified of being alone.

[@johnjohnstone9805]

I'm Doing Self-study For A While And I'm Finding I Have Great Difficulty In Bringing Presence Into Relationships. I Have A History Of Being Reactive Only Mainly Negative Reactions. And That Bothers Me So I Tend To Avoid Relationships. I Cannot Say No I Cannot Set Boundaries An Acquiescing People Pleaser. Cannot Find An Internal Advocate For Myself In The Presence Of Others So Hermit Mode Has Always Looked Good To Me.

[@brookiec00kie30]

I’m reading “adult children of emotionally immature parents” recommended by my therapist and it’s def informative!

[@emmabobby3666]

I definitely am a fawner. And a masker, and deny my hypersensitivity that i was bullied and shamed out of by my mother, always in hypervigilance, not getting any restorative sleep, and because of all the pain, fear, anxiety, underground shame, PTSD, dissociating and all that fun stuff, for the 2nd time in my life, my body has just given into the exhaustion. My legs just won't carry me I am having to use a wheelchair and crutches, and if i try to make myself do more (I was raised with a constant obligation to, in mother's words "Mind over matter", which cut me off from all biofeedback), i faint. This time around, I am trying to listen to my body, learn and heal. I really want to get better and step into living my life. Thank you for your videos, they are really very helpful ❤

[@perhapsshellliveafterall]

Ive always done this and only now learning what it is. I remember when this scary woman came round to my then bfs house (I was around 16 and she was in her 30s) I knew she meant harm and she was clearly on drugs. I offered and then went to make her tea whilst trying to make "friends" and chat with her, I was scared the whole time. she ended up smashing up the house and intimidating us although she never became physically violent with us.. I've always wondered why I did that but now I know..

[@vectorair1]

This is so eye opening! How can I fix the dynamic between me and my narcissistic/avoidant husband. It’s so painful to be aware now of how little he notices or cares about me. He’s happy to have me revolve around his life.

[@samanthamills8285]

This video connected some missing pieces that I've been desperately searching for!! Hearing a complete stranger describe my life TO A TEE literally made me ball my eyes out....THANK YOU!!!!!

[@gmnj7770]

Am I glad this popped up in my timeline 😮‍💨

[@seemorepoetry2192]

In the last couple of years I have recognised fawning in myself and just stopped being like this with two people in my life who I now believe on reflection are both covert narcissists, a sister and a friend. My mother had mental health issues and I learnt to please and appease.. I am a nurse and know that i sometimes give too much of myself and have been near the edge of burnout as it spilled into these relationships with others, thankfully I married a fellow fawner so we are helping each other to at last sit comfortably with having and respecting our own and each other’s needs. Some of these feelings never go away but reading Nedra Glover Tawwas book, set boundaries, find peace, helped me to put boundaries in place, the best thing I have ever done. As always , thankyou for your insight x

[@jenniferfitzgerald369]

Thank you so very much for leaving a book review!!!! I absolutely love that, and just really appreciate it! It's also giving me great comfort to hear about your husband and yourself healing together as two fawns!!!! That describes my boyfriend and I completely!!! Now I feel much better about things, thank you so very much!!!!❤

[@lavonnebenson7409]

Oh wow. I kept telling therapists that I wanted to make her (my mom) ok so I would be ok. They didn't seem to understand.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

@@lavonnebenson7409not very insightful of therapists- so frustrating

[@nuez23747]

I had all my life a belp syndrome and got frauded and not appreciated in job for years, Coda helped me and I changed my clients and company

[@Daimo83]

-compulsive caretaking -adapation to threat "attempt to purchase safety using servitude" - pete walker -learned to get needs met by making sure parent is ok -quickest/safest/most effective way -inability to say no -poor boundaries -don't know own needs -everyone else first -numbing self by focusing on other -rescuing behaviour -learned to read others -on guard for mood of parent -learned not to care -don't believe it's safe to share own needs

[@RichL_Arts]

Yes, I can relate. One week ago I got a panic episode because I read a text about people with financial issues. And because he felt bad in the past I had to panic as well. My people pleaseing got me in lots of trouble.

[@RosyFdz]

I never thought about this, I definitely see this in my behavior, I was a practicing respiratory therapist for 10 years and used to be premedical as an undergrad, luckily I realized my traumas and attachment issues before I applied to Med school

[@Michelle0920]

This is one of the most validating explanations of patterning I've ever heard. Thank you.

[@gailrose7844]

Oh definitely fawning was me, I have had to learn that saying no, is setting boundaries. I learned this behavior from an over bearing partner, whom now I know as a narcissist. Thank you for helping me put a name on my response, so I can recognize when it wants to rise up and take over. I know now to stop, center my thoughts, and then respond. Very nice!

[@joss5097]

Wow this describes me to a T, it’s a different kind of sobering to hear someone put words to my jumbled experiences so far. Thank you 💗

[@DrKimSage]

You are so welcome. I know it feels like a lot! Sending love and healing💗

[@PhoenixProdLLC]

No single mother or father should feel shame. It is the abandoning partner ONLY, who should feel that, if anyone.

[@adt2475]

Ah damn! I can't say how much I used to do it even a few months ago but the bitter thing is noone actually praised me for putting myself last, rather I was being a doormat. Now I'm understanding to value my feelings, my thoughts, my needs over others. There are some people who supported my journey, I'm grateful to them and there are some people who still benefit when I put myself last and can't tolerate this version of me. I'm learning to draw boundaries from them.🙏

[@A_z_e_o_n]

This is me, with my spouse...trauma sucks. Abuse sucks. Lessons repeating from childhood, round 2. I am the cycle breaker. I am rising. I am doing this. 💯🙌💪

[@sunrise5567]

Thank you for this video. It has sparked an intriguing thought in my mind: could a fawning personality be disguised/confused with as having empathy where there maybe isnt true empathetic personality? I believe you can have empathy and fawn response but just having fawn response doesn’t mean you have empathy necessarily. In other words, a narcissist who lacks in empathy yet has a fawn response as a result of narcissistic family upbringing. I have a curious mind for psychology; I may be totally overthinking this or completely off tangent, but I find it interesting to discuss… 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@ferallane]

You just unlocked and released my false idea of my covert narcicisstic mother having empathy. I have never understood how she could appear so giving to ppl on the outside while being so cruel and destructive. She maintains a false image of a compassionate christian servant while only serving abuse at home. Its been so hard to reconcile the seemilngly jekyll and hyde persona switches, but now i see that its all a fawn pattern to get her need for validation and praise met and its not compassion and empathy at all. These coverts are so. Good. At. Hiding. Thank you for saying this, its not easy for me to see all the ugly, because ive been wanting to understand how the "christian compassion" side of her exists alongside the monster, but its just another layer of the mask and i get it now.

[@YesYesYesJeff]

100%. Thank God at least one person understands this. Fawning is ALWAYS about the person fawning protecting themselves and NEVER an actual empathetic response.

[@areuarealman7269]

I fawn because people are sensitive and this culture is macho wierd and what once was tough is just money and what once was genders got thrown in a blender and the sheep are turning into scary ideologies I'd rather run away from am I really even that bad maybe just gas lit in a corner or maybe in a box in a bigger box with insanity already in play how the f did anybody think yeah he won't drink do drugs ?So fawn or fight pretty much is everybody ?Right ?

[@user-ye3hy3nl2p]

This video was truly a life saver and I am a clinical psychologist too so this really spoke to me. It's so empowering.

[@zoeyclarks7609]

Well this explains why i immediately go into regulation mod whenever my mom is having her temper tantrums even when I hate it doing that. And why I feel way more secure when she actually talks to me about her moods, emotions, and problems to explain her behavior than when she shuts me out. I feel safer knowing where the danger is coming from then unsure on how she came to be as reactive as she is.

[@Amanijwells]

Sooo accurate wow I never had the words to articulate this

[@bobmathieson987]

Codependency comes to mind when I listen to your explanation of fawning. Is this the same or similar? My basic understanding of codependency is to be other-orientated. Putting the needs of others before my own.

[@annekincannon-kf3hx]

My poor little sister. She is still stuck in it. 😢

[@lizzyontiveros1168]

Your voice is so calming. I can hear the caring in your voice and to most watching this that is not something we hear often. It's very soothing and gives me confidence that I can learn to show up for myself

[@user-ex6mh2qe8o]

Thank you Dr. Sage. I didn't know why I behaved in a way I hated.

[@SharonKBM]

Thank you for this wonderful video. ❤I have been a compulsive caretaker my entire life yet I just recently realized I have been trying to please people who really have no interest in being pleased and not annoy them when they have no problem annoying me. I have been trying to stop on my own but I wasn't having a lot of internal success with it. I might not be "pleasing" at certain moments, but I was still feeling a lot of internal anxiety about it. You helped me understand how it developed in my childhood and that I continue to do it to regulate my own nervous system, which makes so much sense. Thank you for including ways to be more mindful about it and things to work on so I can finally stop this behavior. I can't thank you enough.

[@pammitchell3098]

This is so right on. I had no understanding of this response until recently and now realize this is what I have done my whole life. The time I did show boundaries with my FOO, I would be belittled and finally just blow up with them. I am finally figuring out how to pause and step away without feeling guilty, and it is showing me who I really am, which is a pretty neat gal after all. The toxic impact on our bodies is only beginning to be understood. I won't stand for shame anymore.

[@allwellandgood8547]

I can relate to so much of what you describe Dr Sage. I have spent most of my 40 years living like this as a parentified child who experienced physical maternal abandonment. I see now how when my children where youbg I mentally neglected myself by never even realising I had needs and that this was allowed. Only as they step in to their mid teens and since finding you and doing the work have I started to really think about and prioritise this, and also model this for them as they navigate new challenges. Thank you so much for your wisdom and compassion ❤️

[@dustintupy7017]

To my knowledge, this has been my life for as long as I can remember. But at the same time, as I type this, a part of me tells me that I'm saying it just for attention. But it's something that I actually struggle with.

[@ariellearenson-fj2hq]

This literally just made me cry

[@mentalhealth707]

I had started to hide and even not by acknowledging that this exists. Its so painful when i see your face because you bring those unprocessed feeling to the surface. Now, i dont how to hide or run or even process these feelings..

[@robinalexander3032]

Whenever I watch your videos, I am blown away. You describe exactly what I have felt my whole life. Thank you so much for your helpful videos. My eyes are finally being opened!

[@mariagabrielalavallen4788]

Thank you sooo much, Kim! It's the very first time I hear about the link between fawning and compulsive care taking. It inmensly helps me understand myself and gives me tools to stop doing it. Greetings and love from Argentina 😊

[@sarahdean6441]

OMG. So relatable. Narcissistic mother, violence in the household. Abusive relationships/marriage. Single parenting complete mental/physical breakdown. Looking into poly vagal theory Stephen Porges and the work of Bessel van de kolk which led me here to learn more about fawning. Wishing recovery and happiness to all survivers, may we thrive and be our athentic selves.

[@buyyourownfreedom]

I feel a deep, visceral sense of shame and disgust when I have to acknowledge I have my own needs. I actually feel hatred for my own needs. I feel disgusted and repulsed by them. I compulsively caretake everyone around me. I bend over backwards. I am a chronic people pleaser. I can't say no. I have always worked in the caretaking field. I let my boyfriend treat my like garbage because he has childhood issues and a drug problem, so I make constant excuses for him. I have no idea how to be assertive. I don't even think I have to courage to be like that. I don't know how to get better.

[@eloise-rw3sj]

When your use to toxic, nothing feels scary.

[@LrgPicture]

Edie Brickell verse …. Very nice! Always liked her

[@FlyingMonkies325]

From experience it doesn't always show up as "the caretaker" you may have had your needs neglected and made to put them aside for another sibling who the parents constantly fawn to even like something you have they want your made to give it them just to "keep the peace" even when that's not right or fair. When it's the parents fawning i don't even know how confused and messed up that makes you i can't even put a name to what i'm feeling only that my development has hugely suffered. Then there's what happens at school and teachers expecting you to fawn to them dismissing and shutting down your wants, needs, and feelings so they can reach their job targets rather than it being the job description they tell everyone it is or however they make it seem that somehow it's all for your benefit (it never is). It effects your ability to form relationships, creates huge crippling trust issues, anxiety, depression, and because of the way your treated you subconsciously gravitate towards people who are messed up like them if not worse, you didn't know they were like that at first but then you have trouble moving... your just frozen in place and you can't leave even when you should ignoring your feelings, needs, instincts, and intuition on it and you just keep trying to sort of please them a little bit until it all blows up. You just act too nice for what you should be doing in order to avoid a bad situation because your always bullied and trapped in one by teachers, your parents, siblings, other people... but ultimately ends up that way when they take advantage of the fact your frozen and can't get yourself to leave or stop interacting with them. So it turns into terrible abusive behavior from them now making you out like the bad person because stringing it along until they get bored is the only way they could hurt you, and you still get hurt and disappointed because you were rejected even when you shouldn't be. Why the hell am i hurt and disappointed? lol i don't know them and they haven't even tried to get to know me but since i'm not being myself, how can they? but they had no intention they just wanted me to ignore my wants, feelings, and needs to give them attention until they don't. I'm probs just responding to that rejection and abusive behavior with the trauma about being rejected, abandoned, and neglected by the people i've always been surrounded with but there's no bonds or attachments there. So i've been working on that at least not being phased by people i haven't developed anything with yet, and i just don't want attachments if i can help it because i end up regretting it remembering all the expectations but i've pretty much had enough of all the expectations and pressures that ultimately never benefit me in the slightest. You weren't the problem though you just didn't know how to respond and somethings kind of broken with the instinctual and intuitive part where you should recognize that feeling and just leave and never return there no inner voice because i'm so frozen from anxiety, but they treat it like you do know how to respond and doing it on purpose even when they know your not, it was the only way they could take advantage of you. That's how fawning can rear it's head because of how you've been treated by all those you've been surrounded with your whole life so you do everything to try and avoid trouble and bad situations but ultimately end up walking yourself into it because you couldn't listen to yourself. You've been trapped like that since day one that your even frightened of leaving incase that gets a negative reaction, your walking on eggshells even when you don't think so. It's messed up in a whole other dysfunctional way.

[@chilloften]

I used to be, work so hard to not do it now. What bothers me most nowadays is keeping calm when others are mean or disrespectful or at work, they’re not following orders or will just tell me no and walk away, or even yell or attic verbally. It’s so, so, upsetting. Hijacks my efforts of good intent.

[@amadahyrose]

My three most darling friends in the world love me as I am, but challenge me (gently) for this tendency. Their love and care was the beginning of remembering myself. I still struggle w the lie npd mom put in me about being selfish, but DH helps so much w that! I feel grateful to be safe in their presence and am learning I matter. TY as always for articulate, compassionate videos. xoxo

[@GreasyBaconMan]

You’re very fortunate to have the 3 friends to gently nudge you to be your best self.

[@hong1796]

Thank you Dr. Kim Sage!❤

[@askew9976]

Edie Brickell and New Bohemians amazing song!

[@avocado7593]

thx so much for this!

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Very helpful- I would add that also for some there is also a level of feistiness- can possibly be in the justice warrior- And yes- high tolerance- helpful in the job.

[@martefact]

Love your work!

[@WahaHeyHa]

Thank you, so much.

[@MiraAchaiah]

Yeah, that part about not sharing anything about my past has gotten really bad in my adult life

[@kerryfaden94]

Thank you so much!!!!

[@smtahere79]

This is so good.

[@lilflowerbud]

Everyone touches on fight, flight or freeze but fawning is not talked about as much ! Thank you

[@successfulperson3304]

OMG I needed this so much! Thank you and bless you

[@Red-hot-sonic-fan]

Thank you so much! Helping me heal

[@samanthalarge4187]

Wow. Thank you

[@deea7843]

Thank you so much

[@ajwebbster4110]

Wow love this, so detailed and so me

[@Cowgirlkate]

I’m so grateful I found you 🙏

[@Mkr7942]

Thank you so much for this, and all your videos.

[@theteammelk]

Great explanation!!!

[@SelfLoveU]

Extremely good.

[@user-kq7ks5dn6j]

This is the best video I have seen on fawning. Thank you!!

[@MarinaMontagueSUZ]

Angelic ....❤...Amazing

[@rosyloveslearning3013]

Thank you.❤

[@susanforest4217]

You’re wonderful Kim- Dr Sage- this completely resonates with me!

[@ctheo2020]

THANK YOU! One of the best explanations of Fawning!

[@minbado]

thank you so much for this video, Dr Kim