What Love Feels Like for A Dismissive Avoidant & Does It Change As They Become More Secure

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Thank you for watching!

[@motjon]

What love feels like to D.A 4:40 As a D.A. becomes more secure 10:45

[@JustCoCoB]

Thank you! Never thought she would get to topic ...

[@AshleyLebedev]

Thank you so muchhhhh. Love her channel but she just sells wayyyyyyyyyy tooooo much.

[@ZenithZoneWellness]

Thanks!

[@perspicacity89]

OMG thank you.

[@jessicagrooms2198]

THANK YOU!!!!!

[@smallgay6000]

I am a DA! Thank you for making these and being so understanding. People are very quick to just write DA's off as cold, calculating people.

[@foxerrr7864]

I watch all of these and read all of the literature I can, to try to understand my DA and how to learn to communicate. He’s an awesome guy but doesn’t know why he does what he does. I believe in you guys!

[@smallgay6000]

@@foxerrr7864 good on you for trying to learn about his attachment style instead of giving up! Not that I would blame anyone for moving on from a DA, we aren't right for everyone, but it's great to know there are individuals out there willing to learn and allow their DA partner time to grow. I obviously can't speak for your partner but it seems a lot of my ideas and actions stem from fear and deep insecurity. I think a lot of DAs are plagued with deep insecurities from core wounds in life

[@tiagoguerreiro131]

I am here for you too guys! I am a AP but I do believe in you!

[@SK-no2pp]

Angelo Durham what do you think those core wounds are? I’ve been trying for 5 years with mine. I’m so tired. We’re not in communication anymore. It hurts so bad, but I guess it’s for the best:

[@paula817]

Angelo Durham Kudos to you for even being self aware enough to recognize your attachment style & actually work on it. You should be applauded for that.

[@deekircher21]

I noticed with a DA they don’t like to tell you much about themselves and they keep things light and superficial, even if you have been dating for months

[@shannondegnan294]

This is exactly what I experienced. He could hold my vulnerability really well but even if I asked him valid questions months in, he would shut it down. Never volunteering information, shutting down most inquiry

[@shannondegnan294]

It felt like dating someone standing on the outside looking in, who wasn't actually in an exchange with me. He liked facilitating my sharing

[@Bbrer]

Or 19 years!

[@colorfullyme]

as a fearful avoidant, when she talked about "blandness" around 7:00 i literally scoffed out loud. this woman knows her stuff so so well. I couldnt even fathom someone seeing anything good in blandness, but watching her videos I am learning that some people need that for a while to feel safe. thanks!

[@austinnguyen9107]

I am not FA at all but I also agree about the blandness. I'm not interested in the superficial relationships/fake friends DA's surround themselves with

[@jessicahernandez1853]

My ex is a DA, at the begning he was totally avoidaint and as he fell in love with me he started to be more vulnerable, secure about me and the relationship BUT, as you said on the video, he wanted things very easy for him, always perfect, chill and avoid any type of conflict or conversation about working on ourselves and on the relationship to be more healthy. Now I know why...

[@landdcollection]

Same here! Sorry I know you posted this a while back, but I was wondering: did your DA see normal conversation or expression of needs as conflict? For my DA, even if I phrased this very nicely and with I statements (eg: I feel a little unwanted when you don’t text me first for a few weeks) he would become super upset and either stonewall, say he wasn’t good enough for me and push away, or get angry and accuse me of trying to pick a fight. It all seemed to stem from his shame of not being socially attuned enough and of not being worthy enough as a person. Not sure if this is something anyone else has experienced with a DA?

[@simonereid_]

@@landdcollection I have definitely experienced the same

[@bellarose6220]

@@landdcollection Same! If I tried to bring up anything about compromise, my ex would say why am I trying to change him. He doesn't believe either of us should change or compromise for our relationship and in the end, he says he can't give me what I want. He felt that I was criticizing him when all I want is to understand him. It really hurts to hear that. I wanted to understand why he never really felt comfortable acknowledging me in front of people we know, like we've been together for months but no one in our workplace, his close friends or family knew, etc. It made me doubt myself... He said it was cuz that's just how he is, he's shy. But even if people were to ask him if he was taken, he mentioned before that he wouldnt have said he was, instead just brush it off with a joke that he has many gfs. I felt like he didn't quite acknowledged us, though he says he does. He says work is his priority and even if we called him for smth urgent (and I rarely call, perhaps once every 2-3 weeks?) if he's working, he says he will likely not answer, even if he was just typing a report. Usually bosses would understand if you answered urgent calls at work? When we ended things, I guess I caused him to withdraw further when I wrote a letter about how I felt, how his actions made me imagine all the possibilities of his intentions and what he was thinking, he said he already answered my questions honestly and in the most healthy manner and that I was being toxic questioning and criticizing him repeatedly. I feel at a lost. Most of his previous explanations were that he's shy and he can only monotask, then he'd brush off the topic soon after without really reassuring me. He doesn't think compromises to meet each other half way should be done in relationships. Are these all just DA traits?

[@henotic.essence]

This is exactly what I'm going through with mine!!! Any time I try to talk about improving our relationship, he says I'm trying to fight!

[@austinnguyen9107]

Ironically they assume conversation to work things out means conflict and so they avoid it... which just leads to WAY more conflict and unnecessary drama

[@roshalllambert]

Wow you know me better than I know myself. As a Dismissive Avoidant I tend to be out of touch with my needs and thats why hard for me know what I want in a relationship. But the way you described our definition of love my jaws dropped at how accurate this is. It was like you were reading my mind. Everything you explained was spot on.

[@roshalllambert]

@@beyourself9162 nice! Sounds like Exposure work exercises which actually works well with DA (Thais said that in a webinar)

[@roshalllambert]

@@beyourself9162 Thank you for sharing! Exposure work does help!

[@senseijen8963]

The same things the DA wants are the same things people want in a relationship. The main problem is they are unwilling to give the same things that they require for you to give them in the first place. That's unfair from even a secure person's point of view.

[@andrewraslan5348]

For me it's the exact opposite, and I'm a DA. I've always been altruistic and extremely low-maintenance. In response, people got entitled and shifted the power in the relationship to themselves through constant demands, needs, sensitivities and bickering. I've had to break relationships over their aggressive entitlement. However, while I give to people, I usually don't like to receive too much. Mainly because the average person's "gifts" come with a tremendous amount of fine print, and the fine print keeps changing and expanding. The reason DAs like "easy" is because a person that's easy to be a friend/lover/relative etc. to is usually also mature, independent and fair.

[@temposhop8739]

To expect more than one gives sounds more like an entitlement issue at the least. This is unfair to DAs, but I believe many DAs are used to taking the blame, because it's more relief than constantly having boundaries pushed and our being invalidated. I lean DA when I'm pushed or violated, and have been told how disappointing I am by people who seemed to dislike me but were somehow overly attached. With a partner or friend who respects me and my boundaries, I'm secure and really like to be there for people I love, no matter their attachment style. It's a matter of if the person values what I have to give and can see the way I give it. If emotional management is a problem and the dynamic veers to "the DA is wrong," it seems pointless to pursue. Why push if both parties are stressed by the relationship? Over time we can learn how to appreciate each others' styles if both parties value the other.

[@temposhop8739]

@@andrewraslan5348 this resonates with me. I've been on the receiving end of being selfish, etc. but also have warm relationships with friends who are anxiously attached but show respect for me and our differences. My boyfriend is also leaning DA but because we understand one another's low tolerance for boundary violations, built a secure relationship.

[@osml2.0]

I agree with this statement from a PA point of view. It seems the DA expects more than willing to give. Add in having a child together. This complicates matters tremendously. As the DA may pull away and think it's acceptable. This display is no good example for the child created.

[@temposhop8739]

Our experiences lead us to generalize based on experiences with a few individuals due to factors other than attachment style influencing relationships. We all frame our experiences and protect ourselves justifiably, but it's important to remember that how we see things isn't always how it really is. As humans, we sometimes have a need to justify ourselves as right or making sense. If two incompatible individuals stay together, each one can justify being right and the other party having the wrong expectations. For you, a parent pulling back may not seem healthy, but for someone else, that parent might be modeling the healthier response when choosing between the lesser of two evils in an incompatible relationship.

[@backup3537]

love for DA : Contentment Security Love trust harmony consistency - easy No conflict Depth & connection

[@HunnyBee23]

“They’re not aware of what attachment theory is.” That’s equivalent to saying narcissists aren’t self aware. Some are. I’m dismissive avoidant with ADHD 😂 these KZbin videos are my newest hyper-fixation! Lol

[@0Demiyah0]

Thanks for another great video Thais! I realized I'm a recovering FA, and when the relationship gets too bland or I'm growing tired of my DA's deactivation strategies, I have tried in a kind and patient way to explain him how that gets across to me. The issue however, is that he prepares for every discussion like he expects a lot of drama. I'm vulnerable, he's got armor on and he's ready to strike. It eventually triggers me in the conversation to become more confrontational as well, as he keeps responding reactively. He complains that every 2-3 months we need a talk (like that's a lot). Now I have started to withdraw from him even further than I know he's comfortable with, and he starts to be funny, or tries to show his hero qualities to impress me. Sometimes it feels like, the less I like him, the more he feels safe to like me.

[@sarahhaag6601]

Yep!!! I experenced the Same Thing!!!!!!!! You Always feel guilty If U Express what U dont Like in the realationship BC U see the stress that IT cause them. So U shut down and say nothing but feel unhappy. I made the descioin to Not date a DA again, with them U cant experience true healthy Love and IT will Not last too BC they can Not stand in conflict. With them U always feel lonly....i will Not choose this for My Life anymore😊🌺

[@elaineypainey]

I’m FA with DA and this exact thing happens to me too!

[@sarahhaag6601]

DA need to be in a realationship with other DAs. They should date each other to Not create further pain and confusion in other peoples life. Other than that, they need to be healt in order to be an a realationship with another Attachments style.

[@TheCoffeeCat]

Yep. DA's are good at helping with paying bills, doing house chores, running errands and fixing objects. Sometimes they can even speak, for example, to say "Good morning". That's the extent of what one can safely expect from them.

[@0Demiyah0]

@@TheCoffeeCat this made me laugh, because it's so on point 🤣 I experienced a breakthrough with DA guy I've been dating. He told me last weekend; I'm sorry for being a disappointment to you this weekend, this month, and basically all year. I promise I will do better, and make it up to you somehow. I need to mature. Grow up out of these fears or something. And then he showed up to bring me breakfast every day of the week so far. It kind of scared me because inside I feel; oh gosh, you're going to open the lid from that Pandora's Box, and confront your Hell, if you want to mature out of fear. It'll be so much worse before it's over. To get confronted in an honest way with his self-abandonment which is directly related to why he's disappointing to me. That's a deep hole to dig yourself out of. I was so shocked, relieved and worried to receive such a confession, honestly. I was very adjusted to what you described, as my safe expectation. 😅

[@komalchaudhari2046]

I have been a dismissive avoidant, in friendships, but after a certain stage, i have completly changed as a person, now i have been quite considerate..

[@79paddysirl17]

Despite my awareness efforts, (you can take a horse to water but not make them drink) my DA wife of 5 yrs with two young boys, left the marriage (after ten months of apparently trying to reconcile) for the phantom ex of ten yrs ago, and he moved in with her and my kids 3 weeks after I spent Christmas with thinking it might be working out. I had finally enough of her just friends emotional affair.Ghosted/no explantions/carry on its all normal. Its s mix of a rebound an affair, a mid life crisis,a 7 year itch and Grade A distancing. The lack of respect and empathy and responsibility for her actions is astonishing. Role on legal seperation and divorce.

[@gorantomas]

I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through :( Some are very protective of their tendencies. I guess it's self-preservation - it's a mentality of it got them/protected them this far in life, so it must be something to hold on to. In that respect (and although it may not feel like that at the moment) you're better off than spending another 5 years in such a relationship...

[@GMH9765]

Good luck! It's very painful, isn't it?

[@79paddysirl17]

@@gorantomas thanks its nice to hear..im not a self doubting idiot

[@79paddysirl17]

@@GMH9765 very pain to process for myself and then the kids on top.

[@liza0606]

I think I might be dismissive avoidant and I don't understand how anyone even slightly similar to me has any type of relationship

[@veronicahorton4951]

@@electricfishfan7159 Were you able to determine if your experience is related to an attachment style or APD? I've done some research into APD. There are of course traits and behaviors in dismissive avoidant attachment that are very much like some of the symptom criteria for AP Disorder. As APD is a cluster B personality disorder the symptoms, as opposed to traits, seem to present as pronounced avoidance in most, if not all, types relationships. Not just romantic, but everyday interaction or communication with people in general. Of course symptoms or behaviors vary from person to person. I'm sorry, I'm rambling. If you don't mind me asking I guess what I'm wanting to know is there anything in particular about your experience that made you look into avoidant personality disorder? Was there some part of your experience, a specific symptom or trait that was different or more complex than those commonly associated with dismissive avoidant attachment style?

[@spannycat2]

I'm not a real dismissive avoidant but I am almost permanently emotionally unavailable because I'm still in love with this other guy. So I'll behave like a DA in any new relationship.

[@Nightswim_]

@@veronicahorton4951 Avoidant PD is cluster C, fear based cluster and doesn’t correlate to dismissive avoidant attachment . APD avoids relationships entirely for the most part but am Anxious preoccupied when I venture into dating .

[@TheLillipuss]

Omg this woman is incredible.

[@maximilianbatz2070]

Congratulations on the book becoming available!

[@angelae.campos179]

Thank you for this great info !

[@yomikosburger]

everything you put out is a banger dude

[@morvenmacleod9559]

Thank you so much for these videos. Your knowledge and insight are incredibly helpful. Bless you 💞

[@PawTreader]

I'm a FA and my bf is a DA. We are both working go become more secure and it is so refreshing (on both sides) to see the differences! Like you mentioned at the end, my DA is starting to look for my physical touch and overall connection and in thrn out relationship just seems soooo much more laid back and relaxed at this point. (We are in the stability stage, maybe approaching the commitment stage?) Your videos have helped us both out tremendously and given us both compassion and empathy for the other person.

[@naomichokr3829]

Thank you!!!! More videos about DA’s please. This is the most difficult

[@slydakota8143]

Ugh, I’m a DA and my love language is physical touch. I know I probably confuse the hell out of partners!

[@suzukme]

How does that work?

[@luvl333y]

@@suzukme everyone isn't 100% one certain attachment style. For example, for me I'm DA and FA.

[@joebebco8422]

Mine is too lmao I love it but don't touch me unless I'm aware of it

[@maggiessong]

My partner is DA and also has physical touch as his primary love language, with acts of service a close second. I have been very confused by this, but have learned to enjoy his quiet affection and tenderness.

[@maggiessong]

Sly, my bf is a DA and love language is also physical touch. He is most comfortable expressing his emotions in that way, talking, not so much. But, when he does get chatty, he can be very romantic.

[@regulatefitness]

This totally resonates with me explains how in previous relationships these patterns & needs have caused me to react in a certain way.

[@madwalnut559]

Wow! I truly feel da vibe & also love da wrds comin from dis video. Dis is so real!

[@attheranch873]

I didn’t know this, thanks!

[@elaineypainey]

Love this! Of course I’m here to try and figure out my DA! 😂 I have introduced him to these amazing videos but he thinks I’m trying to change him and says he can’t change and doesn’t want to!

[@SK-no2pp]

elaineypainey that’s quite a tough position to be in. When someone doesn’t want to improve or grow with you. They are comfortable in their darkness. Sighs

[@AslanFlorendo]

Yeah sad. And if ever they'll want to. It's not like they'll admit/verbalize it.

[@jacqielee2744]

Can you please tell us what are other things that are either similar to the DA or personality types or mental illnesses or mood disorders, etc that typically are companions to that attachment style? Specifically, I'm curious to hear about the differences in a simple DA, no extras, and a covert/vulnerable narcissist and how to deal with either if they're not 100% unwilling to self reflect, but you have to absolutely lose your sanity pulling teeth and is extremely difficult to get past the walls of defensiveness? I'm not taking the role on. Not anymore, but I feel that I'm very interested in the mind and I'm not sure what to think about some of the things that I have been struggling with understanding.

[@79paddysirl17]

@@jacqielee2744 maybe you're anxious.but they must be truly willing to do work and u derstanf tbeir lifea narrative..ie their childhood trauma.

[@emotophobiccdd8006]

@@jacqielee2744 Thais did a great video about DA & Narcissism. I highly recommend it!

[@Salma-ik5kk]

Thank you so much for your videos

[@sueblack5794]

I was involved with a dismissive avoidant who did go to therapy. His therapist helped him realize he was avoidant. Even after lots of therapy, his attachment hasn’t changed. Other avoidants I’ve met who know they are avoidant, still tend to not change. So even with therapy, which help some, it doesn’t mean they will change their attachment overnight. They are simply just more aware of it but doesn’t mean they can change it.

[@emotophobiccdd8006]

I first saw a psychologist at about 19 yo. I've been off and on until a few months ago, when, at 44 yo, I decided that it's mostly useless for me. I've gotten far more value from KZbin. I think that the real problem is that the Australian mental health system is a half-arsed joke. Some counselors are good for nothing more than chatting with a lonely housewife. There's therapy, and there's therapy! My conclusion is that there's a link between being disconnected from emotions and therapy being ineffective. Most of the time I "think my feelings", as opposed to feeling them. It's taken years to even understand the difference between feelings and stories of the mind. I've always had moments when I completely experience and even understand my feelings for what they are. But absolutely never ever when in a therapy session. Because it's the best example of a situation where I will overthink absolutely everything, starting long before I even get to the session. I just dissociate from my emotions, and can talk about childhood sexual abuse, or anything else in an absolutely logical, matter of a fact way. It's remarkably easy to be absolutely caught up in a fascination of psychoanalysis. It really is no more difficult to discuss than if I were talking about someone in a show I just watched on tv. It's easy to wear my armour for a psychologist for an hour a week. But to keep it up all day every day, and with no time to "repair" any cracks that may appear, I'm sure would be a completely different thing. Drug addicts etc in rehab do not give up their addictions by talking about the substances that they use, but by confronting their authentic, uncomfortable feelings. Above and beyond all else, I feel like my(/perhaps everybody's) true addiction is to that mental comfort zone, and I cannot see much hope for a therapy which doesn't involve confronting my feelings head-on, on an ongoing basis; like several months of live-in rehab; and then viewing myself as an addict in recovery every single day for the rest of my life. Perhaps these are the two videos that I have gotten the most out of. I'd love to hear other DA's opinions; feel free to pass it on, if you're still on speaking terms, and you think he'll watch them. kzbin.info/www/bejne/l3nMd6GAZ7KrbJo kzbin.info/www/bejne/i4bRg36cZ6iYo6M

[@bouclechocolat]

@@emotophobiccdd8006 I made it 4 minutes into the first video before I had to stop and say THANK YOU before I forget!

[@roshalllambert]

No person can change their attachment style overnight and every person has a different set of traumas which will take different amount of time to change it. Also it depends on what type of therapy works for a person and the relationship with their therapist. For me I changed from being a DA to being primarily secure after 6-7 months from Thais's courses.

[@dickwhite7046]

Wow, it's like everyone gets to live my life now.... welcome to my world newbies.

[@cynthiang9611]

Spot on for DAs! Please do for other attachment styles too.

[@sarahhaag6601]

Do more Videos on DA😊!!

[@_anon_4532]

So easy & effortless over intensity & passion.

[@pugs861]

Jesus this is my partner and I

[@msfig7422]

I'd really love info about how DA's feel at the end of a shorter term relationship. Spent 5 intense/confusing months with someone and sorting through how to handle stuff in the aftermath. Thanks!

[@serenaroseauthentics1391]

Ms Fig I’m a recovering DA and in my opinion 5 months is a long relationship for a DA. He did well to stay in that long. You did well putting up with all the confusion for that long. Sounds emotionally exhausting.

[@GMH9765]

Good luck!

[@lynnkelly4609]

@@serenaroseauthentics1391 I did it for 14 months but eventually left 2 months ago. He did well to stay that long because he got all the control and space he needed - hence why I left

[@dancorson5822]

“I want to feel like we are dating, and you need to make me feel special.” What isn’t said is what they bring to the table. They show up, that’s what you get. And totally set up for failure.

[@SK-no2pp]

So why is hard for a DA to commit if they crave security? When the relationships gets intense mines used deactivating strategies and created distance.

[@dclarke2179]

feeling scares them

[@AslanFlorendo]

Yep, as a DA, the feeling is TERRIFYING. It's like my mind shuts down, but the feeling is like I wanna vomit (no offense). I need to get away to feel safe to be able to think/process again. At that point when we can think clearly again we try to avoid anything pertaining to feelings, even the words: feelings, emotions, affection, (etc) seem threatening... The only thing we can process will be the distractions. I'm sorry in behalf of the DA(s) in your life, but when episodes like these happen, we feel helpless at the same time.

[@serenaroseauthentics1391]

I’m a DA & although I crave connection & security I’m terrified of getting too close & committing to someone because if I start to have deep feelings for that person it automatically puts me in a vulnerable situation. As in, if I fall in love then that person has the power to hurt me & their behaviour is out of my control. That is such a high risk position for a DA to be in. So as a DA my need for security is met by me keeping myself emotionally safe (distant) - by not putting myself in a situation where I would end up being vulnerable ie: I see it as dangerous to grow attached to another human being. The minute I fall in love that person could hurt me & that’s a very insecure position to be in. I would never be able to sleep or eat or function with such a high level of risk constantly hanging over my head. Knowing someone could completely shatter my world at any given moment. My anxiety goes through the roof the minute I feel like I’m starting to develop feelings for someone. Safer to keep my distance emotionally - to dismiss & avoid any deep feelings of love. In other words, my “truest” sense of security comes from not getting too close to someone. Bottom line is being close = HUGE danger & being distant = safe zone. (I’m not speaking for other DAs here, just explaining my own though process as a DA. It might be different for others.)

[@emotophobiccdd8006]

I crave security in the form of stable emotions & peace and quiet. I always wondered why my parents, who're always arguing, stayed together. It always seemed incomprehensible that I might stay in such circumstances. And I haven't! I grew up in a house where every night when my parent's got home from work my mother would be SCREAMING and carrying on. I'm basically schizoid in my relationship to my parents. I cannot stand to be around people who so much as talk LOUD. I've noticed that I attract people who, when things are too peaceful, will start an argument. My peace n quiet is their blandness. Ironically conflict avoidance, which can involve dismissive arrogance, is the source of many conflicts!

[@AslanFlorendo]

Also the DA's I've recognized kinda fall under the Delta Socionics Quadra, especially SLI(ISTP; be it MBTI or Socionics). There may be more like INTp because of the inferior function or the PoLR(point of least resistance). When Fe or Fi is out of the function stack, it just makes it evident that there'd be little to no emotional processing (capacity) there. (x)NFPs tend to be secure or anxious-pre... (X)NTJs tend to be fearful avoidant if insecurely attached. It seems like EQ really plays a big role in attachment theory.

[@mindibear]

Video starts at 4:45.

[@whoisamp620]

As an INTJ FA consistency and harmony are crucial but with my personality type and love style I almost see my self as a machine, I’m still morally guided but otherwise very calculating.

[@vivid.worker]

ur goated fosholy. traditional attachment theory focuses too heavily on finding secures, ignoring the immensely attractive qualities that DA/AP/FA have and their abilities to open up and heal their traumas which is extremely intimate and powerful

[@honour6524]

Thank you Thais another awesome video been separated from my DA partner for about 8 weeks now, from watching your videos I think our relationship got stuck in stability-commitment stage still waiting for three month mark to reach out been watching all your videos on DA attachment getting all info I can I am anxious pre so will be giving it my best shot hoping for the best thanks again..

[@SK-no2pp]

Honour just curious what makes you want to go back to the relationship. 3 months of no contact. Does that make you feel valued, loved, seen? Do you think the next time you guys speak you’ll be able to overcome the hurdles? I was never able to get out of the cycles sadly. Wishing you the best!

[@79paddysirl17]

As a past anxious..moves mostly to secure..if you havnt done much work the pattern will repeat. You need to be secure, but they need to be willing to doi work on them selves.they need to be able to underatand the fears of childhood no longer apply in adults.

[@k.k.9777]

1 yr after quarentine. Can confirm that it had effects.

[@jmcallister5314]

I’d love a video of codependents attracting and continuing to give in a relationship to a dismissive avoidant... I feel as though I am a fearful avoidant with traits of codependency and the more I leaned on her for my physical and emotional needs the further she pulled away. Is this common?

[@lynnkelly4609]

yep

[@BrokenSofa]

Yes, I'm DA as fuck and always seem to attract FA's. I've started to notice it in the last few years and the stages both I and the FAs go through, that codependency they develop and how I respond to it. It really shines a light on what I have to work on and I'm better at talking to them and letting them down easy by explaining rather than what I used to do, which was completely ghost them out of the fear of unsafeness.

[@simmonsrenesha]

@@BrokenSofa im a FA trying really hard to detach myself from the DA...any tips you have for me ... I don't understand how we got so close to intimacy and not it just gone...It felt so good being a FA and taking Risk to get closer and now its like all that effort and energy got us nowhere!!

[@BrokenSofa]

@@simmonsrenesha I'm not sure, since I've not really talked to any of those previous dates about it. If you want to explain more I'll do my best to try and give you some advice :)

[@valeriamiriamsentina9585]

Thank you! Your videos are always very helpful :) Could you possibly make one about what a relationship between two DAs would look like? I'm DA and I think I've been involved with another one recently. Thanks!

[@serenaroseauthentics1391]

Vale same here! I think it becomes a pecking order. Who’s DA traits are strongest or who is less aware of their DA traits & how it can damage a relationship. I’m a recovering DA working v hard on myself to develop a more secure attachment style. Dated a DA who is oblivious to attachment style theory & has no self awareness of why he behave ms the way he does. So here’s how it played out; Every time my DA traits got activated I checked in with myself & tried to consciously replace my DA response with a secure one. It was difficult & I was way out of my comfort zone but I grew so much & I’m really proud of myself. The moment his DA style got triggered he disappeared. 👻 No surprise there. I’m sure if someone asked him why he left the relationship he wouldn’t have a clue.

[@elaineypainey]

Is this not the perfect relationship for a DA? You just live your lives independently but together? Everyone’s a winner and no trigger?🤷🏼‍♀️ (FA here, no idea)

[@emotophobiccdd8006]

@@elaineypaineyperhaps secure is the only attachment style that doesn't hate itself enough to happily be with itself. I mean an FA who leans far enough to AA might have chemistry with an FA who leans far enough to DA. But they're basically 2 different attachment styles. Apparently everything comes back to self love in the end!

[@emotophobiccdd8006]

@@serenaroseauthentics1391 have you ever considered that maybe you're actually an FA, leaning extremely toward DA? From the outside, I look like a textbook DA. But lately I am starting to seriously investigate FA. I think most of the differences might be experienced internationally.

[@serenaroseauthentics1391]

Emotophobic CDD yes, there’s most definitely a cross over. It depends on who the attachment is with & what the situation is but yes I have known myself to display FA traits from time to time as well. I don’t think we ever fit neatly into a box. I think in my mind I seem to resonate more with being a DA than a FA, maybe because I prefer that label - it means I don’t have to admit vulnerability so openly.

[@adrianatuscia707]

This is so meaty in its essence of the difference in how the FA and the DA feel about love THANK YOU! But If I said to my ex "honey just listen to this little piece about your attachment style ..It may help you understand yourself...and us... " which I know I shouldnt try being his therapist, especially as we have sadly broken up,..but how else do we get them to come on board...when they refuse to even want to try working on the relationship.......Is this when we should observe our own boundaries and walk away from the relationship?

[@elaineypainey]

Adriana Tuscia 100% THIS!

[@gorantomas]

Essentially, yes. You decide whether you want to live long-term with that level of emotionally availability/closeness - how much would you be neglecting your needs for connection, and then decide if you this is the relationship you want to be in for the next decade or so...

[@bouclechocolat]

It's really up to you to accept them as they are and decide whether you want to move on with them or from them. Especially if the "fixing" attempts are coming from you and not the DA, you're basically reinforcing their idea that "something is fundamentally wrong with me that makes me unworthy of love." If I was in that situation (DA), in all honesty, even if I acted receptive at the beginning I would probably not follow up on it. I wouldn't want waste my time and energy trying to fix something that (to me) is an inherent, unchangeable feature of my existence. If it's coming from the DA then definitely voice your support, but even then I'd advise that you try not to pry too much until they're ready for you to be actively involved in the process.

[@deboraharies6983]

I notice it is changing, only because I am working on me.

[@utel.8405]

Two years into a relationship with a DA, I find out he just started online dating. When I confront him he says he doesn’t know if he is „built for a LTR“. He loves me but he is not in love with me. That is literally the hardest thing to hear. What do I do?

[@msBbee-oq7im]

Someone out there will fall in love with you! You deserve to be loved for you!

[@sarahhaag6601]

Could U make a Video on how to recongize a dissmissive avoided AS a friend/First Meeting/coworker/ Family member/in Dating? That would be sooooo interesting to here. Thank U so much for your Work!! May God bless U ♥️

[@angelac8179]

Sarah haag good idea!

[@serenaroseauthentics1391]

I’m a recovering DA & in my experience my attachment style doesn’t get activated in professional relationship, but gets very triggered in relationships where I’m emotionally invested/attached. The stronger my feelings for the other person the more my attachment style gets triggered & the higher the stakes (in my mind). In terms of whether you can spot a DA on first meeting, it depends on how self aware they are & how hard they are working on themselves to develop a more secure attachment style. Also if it’s a first meeting then I assume they don’t have a strong emotional connection to you so their attachment style won’t have been activated very much. Not sure if other DAs think like this, but Just offering my personal take on it. Hope it can be of some help to someone in this community.

[@mathews0618]

Ask them why they are single when you first meet them. A DA will say something like “they were a really good person but there was no spark”. They may say they want to move or are unclear of something so they can’t be tied down. And if you really press, they will feel attacked. They will say that they think you are saying it’s their fault they are single. A DA usually smothers themselves in work to avoid time to be in a relationship. They also can seem very confident. As if nothing ever bothers them. You will know if they are family. Call and tell them about your problems, they will typically sit in silence waiting to get off the phone. Also, ask them about their ex’s. Typically their ex’s will be “stalkers” “needy” “want too much time” “call and text like crazy”.

[@sarahhaag6601]

@@serenaroseauthentics1391 Thank U!!! Do DA's are hiper aware of microexprestion and interpret these Most of the time Like an axious-a avoidet ??

[@serenaroseauthentics1391]

Sarah haag I think we have more deal breakers than the anxious & we are much quicker to walk away. So I don’t think we are as detailed in our observations as anxious attatchment styles, but we are more wary of what we see as red flags; In fact we are expecting them & so the self fulfilling prophecy always comes true because of the way we interpret our partners’ behaviour. We are looking for fault and so we somehow manage to find it because our perspective is so bias & unbalanced. eg: a DA might misread their partner’s tiredness as them being evasive or emotionally neglectful, so will pull away immediately. DAs are like tortoises that retract their heads straight back under their shell at the tiniest hint of danger. DA’s emotionally withdraw at any hint that their partner might end up hurting them. Deep down the attachment style is driven by deep seated fear of being hurt/rejected/abandoned & we are overly tuned into looking for any little thing that might lead to that. I am guessing that the partners of DAs must regularly get accused of stuff they feel they aren’t even guilty of because the DA’s take on their partners behaviour & agenda is so skewed. Kinda sad when I read that back to myself because I have lived most of my life like that, but I am trying very hard to develop self awareness & transition towards a more secure attachment style.

[@tulip5210]

I’m a fearful avoidant that leans strongly da, I believe

[@jesseskellington9427]

What playlist are these videos in?

[@Makor1966]

Looking fresh faced ❤

[@leolady8114]

Im pretty sure my bf is a DA and when I suggested taking the quiz so we could discuss meeting each other's needs better, he was very defensive and somewhat angry and offended. Any suggestions on how to handle this with kid gloves and get to be able to discuss this more so he will open up?

[@aspegel5281]

Maybe send him one of these PDS videos that he would relate to, and it might spark interest. They seem to need things to be their idea, otherwise they feel pressured. They don't like to be told what to do.

[@leolady8114]

@@aspegel5281 I actually tried that while we were together and doing well. His response was not positive and I doubt he even watched the whole video! :/

[@aspegel5281]

​@@leolady8114 I sent the one about work and how it affects them. Maybe you sent one that was touching on the emotions too much and he didn't want to face it. Are you a Leo? Leos are awesome! My experience - is they're very on again off again (mainly to reboot - like a computer, but you're back to the main screen and have to go through opening files once again), so he'll most likely be back and be the sweet old self you loved at the start - as long as you give them that space - no contacting them. They need feel that they miss you. They can't do that when you keep contacting them. They do this as a way to control the depth of your relationship. My suggestion is to keep working on yourself. Put all that you've been putting into him, into yourself. Work on your shadow and triggers. Keep watching these videos. I actually joined PDS a couple of days ago, and I'm giving it a go. I like it so far - less expensive than a therapist, but you have to be good at being accountable to put in the work. I'm curious how different things will be after I heal and have the tools to handle my situation. I love the idea of being able to walk back into my friendship with a different view and armed with new tools LOL. Wishing you all the best, sweetheart!

[@leolady8114]

@@aspegel5281 Thanks so much for your reply! It has been a year since I commented though and a great deal has changed within the year!

[@worldwide123]

@@leolady8114 what has changed? If you’d like to share:)

[@aspegel5281]

Interesting, because I thought my friend was a DA until you said they like blandness, as my friend talks a lot about his worry about becoming bored in a relationship as a turnoff for him. However, he has A LOT of DA traits. Do FAs have a lot of DA traits?

[@ShinFuYux]

Can you explain that "everything should be easy and simple" philosophy they have. My ex-da always said that and no matter how I deep I looked into it, I just couldn't understand it. Are they right to think like that or wrong? Is that a good philosophy for them? Should their partner respect that and accept that philosophy or should they start thinking in leaving their partner once they learn they can't accept that philosophy?

[@serenaroseauthentics1391]

ShinFuYux I’m a DA and I can offer you my perspective. Maybe it will help. I think what you’re asking is should you leave your partner if/when you realise you can’t handle one or more of their DA traits. Well that’s a very personal decision that will be different for everyone as we all have different thresholds & ways of coping. Where’s that line for you? I think the big question is how hard is your DA partner actively & consciously working to develop a more secure attachment style? If he is really making an effort then I think he deserves some patience, time & support. Give him a chance. It will take time for him to change & you can decide if he’s worth the wait & the effort. If however he is very unaware of how his attachment style could negatively affect the relationship, or if doesn’t want to change, or if sees his DA traits as a positive thing (DAs feel very secure in their DA traits & it’s uncomfortable & hard to step away from these supposed sensible safety factors) then you probably won’t get very far & maybe then it’s worth weighing up the pros & cons of leaving. No idea if other DAs would have the same opinion, but that’s my take as a recovering DA. I hope it might be of help to someone out there in this community.

[@gorantomas]

@@serenaroseauthentics1391 Love your response! :) I think it's very fair and balanced. Unfortunately, people with avoidant tendencies do tend to see their traits as a positive thing and consider themselves very rational and level headed. So they perceive their perception to be objective and true, while most of the time it actually isn't and disregards and disallows the fact that two people can perceive the same reality differently. But I wholeheartedly agree that if they are working on themselves and are aware of their tendencies and how it might affect their partner in the relationship, they are absolutely worth investing in! I feel this is true for any attachment style - a person who wants to grow and work on themselves, is the person you want to build a relationship with.

[@niamh6482]

Goran Tomas 🙏🏼🙏🏼

[@r.bishop1127]

The da i was with was so amazing for 3.5 months then shut down. Is that common? I mean super affectionate. Amazing dates conversation. Had me meet his family and kid. Sex was incredible. Then he shut down and said he just wasn't ready. Is that common? I am feeling so stupid because I was falling for him hard.

[@MrClemsonfan2011]

A lot of da's probably get cheated on . Because when they get into their feelings, they tend to shut down for unkniwm periods of time and that man might be in the mood so then what

[@TheSaz16]

Hi, thank you for these videos it’s made me realise why I act and feel the way I do- I’m a FA. Could you make a video on how to help your DA partner, he agrees he has DA qualities, how can we help them become more secure?

[@serenaroseauthentics1391]

TheSaz16 and how can DAs work on themselves to become more secure?

[@TheSaz16]

Serena Rose Authentics first, they need to have a desire too want too.

[@serenaroseauthentics1391]

TheSaz16 exactly! I agree with you 100%! It’s is the DA’s responsibility to work on their own self development, not their partner’s. The partner’s role can be to encourage & support, but its not the partner’s job to make them more secure. The DA has to be the driving force.

[@TheSaz16]

Serena Rose Authentics yes, I agree, but I just wanted some tips or suggestions on how a partner could maybe enhance that process. Is your partner a DA?

[@serenaroseauthentics1391]

TheSaz16 that is such a wonderful stance to have. Your partner is very lucky to have you & I think Thais is the best person you could ever ask for advice on that as I think she mentions in one of her videos that her long term partner came into their relationship as a DA. I don’t have a partner, but I myself am a recovering DA & I am putting a lot of effort into moving towards a more secure attachment style so that if & when I do choose to enter into a relationship, my attachment style traits don’t end up ruining things (I’ve been there so many times in the past). I am having to challenge many deep seated beliefs and change my mindset, but I think it’ll be worth all the hard work.

[@xavierharnett1046]

Jesus Christ you’re spot on

[@suset813]

My DA partner told me sometimes he feels interested and then sometimes he looses interest, idk if it’s the relationship or me, but how do I interpret this?...what does that means?...but yet he says he does love me.

[@soulfulspec]

Ugh I'm sorry u had to hear that and now are questioning yourself. This is exactly how I felt with my ex.

[@serenaroseauthentics1391]

It’s NOT you, it’s not you, it’s not you!!!! your partner didn’t tell you that to hurt you. That’s the reality of how he feels & I totally identify. I’m a DA and I often find my interest waxes & wanes - even though I love my partner beyond all comprehension. But then comes the dip in interest. It’s like an internal emotional roller coaster. Interest level is up one minute & down the next. I can hardly keep up! I exhaust myself in my own head! My personal theory is I think as a DA my subconscious does this to stop me from feeling too close to a partner because to do so would be overwhelming & I wouldn’t cope. To have deep feelings for another person is the most vulnerable & dangerous position I could ever be in as a DA. It’s terrifying. They could hurt me at any given moment & if they decided to abandon or reject me there would be nothing I could do about it. I’d be helpless & powerless. So I think rather that facing that fear, it’s easier for my brain to just tell me the next morning I’m okay today cos I’m not even that interested any more so I’m safe; if they left it wouldn’t really bother me that much. I think myself into dismissiveness & it’s comforting. Of course I’m kidding myself & my true feelings of deep love eventually creep in again & come to the surface I’m back on the roller coaster ride again...and we all know what happens when I hit the peak of realising how in love I am...yes, back down again & my brain tells me I don’t think I’m all that interested really. Up & down, again & again. For decades. It’s so hard being a DA!

[@soulfulspec]

@@serenaroseauthentics1391have u ever broken up with someone just becusse things were going really well and the concept of being trapped made u dump them? We dated for 1 year and things were going so well for us. We went to his best friends destination wedding where the groom kept joking my ex and I were gonna be next. A few weeks later he broke up with me out of absolutely nowhere, his reason being he just needs to be alone he's just not feeling it all of a sudden. recently, after 5 months, he unblocked me on social media.we completely stopped talking after the bu. I am never gonna contact him but he's always on my mind. He's too stubborn to come back to me. My heart is so broken.

[@serenaroseauthentics1391]

Eliza Bentley I’m sorry you had to go through that. I hope you heal & feel better soon. Firstly, I’m not surprised it took him 5 months to unblock you. It takes DAs a long time to get to the regret stage after a breakup. In fact, our initial response to a breakup is usually relief (Thais has done a video about it). We love regaining that sense of autonomy because to us it represents safety & security & stability which is what we crave. Secondly, during the time you were together did he ever express any sort of little niggle/complaint/dissatisfaction with the relationship or with you? Even something that you thought was just a minor gripe? Me personally as a DA am hyper vigilant & over reactive to any trait I see in a partner that I feel further down the line could potentially turn out to become the fatal flaw that ends the relationship. The fear kicks in. My overly risk averse approach gets activated. I start to panic & feel stifled & feel like I need to get out of this situation to be safe. Each time my partner displays this behaviour/ trait (which in my head I see as a flaw but might not actually be one) I am triggered. I start to feel increasingly vulnerable & insecure - remember DAs crave stability & security. So my need to be on my own (single) rises. I start to believe it’d be better to end it now, than stay in the relationship longer & risk it breaking down later on when I’ve grown even more attached. So I wait until the interest level roller coaster gets back into a dip. At that point in time it’s very easy for me to make the break & not feel upset. In fact, I feel so relieved, like I dodged a bullet. I probably come across as cold. It always leaves the other person completely baffled as to why I ended things. It blindsides them. They don’t see it coming because what they see as a non-issue, to me is a huge dangerous red flag that terrifies me. So the answer to your question is a big fat yes!!! Many times!!! It’s so stupid because what I see as a red flag may not have even turned out to be a problem, but I’m too coward to stay & find out. It’s too high risk. I don’t know if other DAs have the same thought process, but that’s how the attachment style drives my personal thinking.

[@soulfulspec]

@@serenaroseauthentics1391 thanks kind stranger for taking the time to reply to me in such detail :) Did u ever regret your abrupt decisions in breaking up with someone? Is there any way for a stubborn da to come back? Anything I can do to increase my chances?

[@Revolution-tl5wo]

My relationship with my DA ex was absolutely consumed by his needs. All we ever argued about (and by argued, I mean he constantly picked fights about) was *his* needs, *his* boundaries, *his* space, *his* schedule. I gave and gave and gave to that relationship and it was never enough. Then, whenever I tried to assert my own needs and resolve why they weren't getting met, he would hijack the conversation and make that about *his needs* too. There was no room for me at all, and he didn't care. "I, me, my" were his obsession 24/7. Ugh. I'll never get involved with a DA again. It was exhausting, he took from me til I had nothing left to give myself and then blew up the whole relationship and disappeared. I got literally nothing out of it. And of course, he's never bothered to apologize or own up to his shitty behavior. I mean, why would he? *He* got everything he wanted.

[@call911ok]

Sounds like a narcissist to me.

[@rachelk1989]

@@call911ok I was going to say the same thing. I know narcissists very well. I recently met a DA and learned about that. While at first I noticed the similarities to narcissists, my DA did not have that self absorbed aspect that my heavy narcissist did. Fear and ego are two different things. But a DA CAN also be a narcissist. I would guess her DA also had a NPD, and to look into those types. I do not use the narcissist term lightly. I do know the difference between narcissistic behavior and someone who lets it rule their life.

[@Bbrer]

Absolutely same here

[@noe1521]

Ok

[@mikestiles811]

How do you tell a DA of their condition in a loving way without them getting skittish?

[@robertoflores4546]

Yes, everyone trying to figure their DA. I'm one of ManY.

[@jaymiller3559]

I respect your work and you’ve helped my relationships a lot. This video though needs a redo. Very hungry for the content but feel like I’m wading through a lot of extra words and trying to discover the “meat” of what you’re saying. As a potential student I’m not sure if this is what I should expect for paid content. No disrespect intended at all.

[@matilda4406]

9.57 the DA tends to be very what? Sometimes a word here and there disappear and can't be heard

[@TrueThaiTours101]

4•50

[@uniquemind3838]

You are beautiful, but you need a different micro...thank you for this interesting topic

[@OriginalMarjon]

The more I listen to this woman the more I think she must just be disorganised attachment. Because I'm telling you, as soon as I'm triggered I go to anxious attachment. Never in my life have I flown about all over the place between them all.

[@Elvira.L.E.]

Do DAs really fall in love deeply? I don’t think so. They just go from one person to another and blame failed relationships on them. Sometimes they just go from one person to another without any break in between.

[@Kv-pk2st]

Lol easy...In my experience with a DA easy equals.. they don't have to put in the effort to make a relationship work.

[@romuloromero2268]

I’m glad you find my struggles so amusing. Why do you laugh so much when describing our struggles?? What’s wrong with wanting an easy relationship???

[@jaywalks9918]

Starts at kzbin.info/www/bejne/e6HJhGClgtOSi8k

[@jessiesantos6714]

Pls slow down...I hope you can slow down in speaking..you speak so fast...I like your content..just a little hard to catch up with what you're saying ..so fast

[@lorithomason8404]

I understand her perfectly fine!! It’s YOUR issue

[@neisha8604]

You can change the playback speed in the settings.

[@kristenvice4221]

Are DA's and covert narcissists the same thing?

[@bouclechocolat]

Narcissists actively try to get reactions and validation from other people. DAs, while they do deeply wish for that validation, can be very comfortable not getting it since gives them a sense of security. Maybe or maybe not "happy," but comfortable. As a DA, the idea of people reacting to me, even if positively, makes me very uncomfortable.

[@B.I.-EIO_macdonald9786]

11:59 start

[@ThriveWithLouise]

I'm a DA but also a PA BA FA LA and TA...

[@mikejohnson699]

Stay single forever guys and leave these female scam artists alone

[@roowah33]

Irony.. DAs judge their spouse and are often overly critical they cause drama and discord in the relationship which is the very thing they dont like.. these people are better off alone... getting a DA to become self aware is also a challenge...

[@chiaraA.]

notice there is no love from a DA. Game over for the partner who wants a love relationship. Since a DA is suppressing their own emotions, why on earth would any partner (if the partner wants love, intimacy, emotional closeness, expressing one's vulnerabilities to their partner) think they're going to get any reciprocity of those things. Seriously, it's not a match

[@chinablue135]

What a load of exhausting waffle to listen to

[@uberredden]

Lady! I love your videos but get to your point! 4 minutes in is too long.

[@jonsmith8083]

Worst description video ever