What Types Of Consequences Will Make Someone Stop An Addictive Behavior?

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Put The Shovel Down

Күн бұрын

Пікірлер: 64

@anthonyrossmaund3161 3 жыл бұрын

Thanks!

@anthonyrossmaund3161 3 жыл бұрын

Wish I could do more. Thank you for your help!

@PutTheShovelDown 3 жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching, Anthony!

@Soberdogs 3 жыл бұрын

Thanks so much Amber for having me on your channel!!!

@garryleach767 3 жыл бұрын

That was awesome bro got so much from that thank you and happy new year.

@angwi4 8 ай бұрын

Thank you for sharing

@missthready 3 жыл бұрын

This is so alarming. There is nothing parents/family/loved ones can do. I feel hopeless.

@Soberdogs 3 жыл бұрын

I don't think that's the case Jan. Amber has some great videos about what parents and friends can do. I mean yes in the end the person has to want it. But i think parents can do a lot. Amber is way better to talk on that.

@trollsnotwelcome7805 Жыл бұрын

@@SoberdogsYes things that can be done but can take years and the misery and hurt is difficult for all 😢..

@Free-flyBE 3 жыл бұрын

Dealing with my 30 yr. old alcoholic son for a decade now; recently we removed him as a groomsman in his little brother's wedding due to his unpredictable behavior...I feel terrible about that decision & fear it just gives him more excuse to estrange himself from us:( He's on verge of being homeless; but we are all exhausted from years of non-stop drama!

@Soberdogs 3 жыл бұрын

You did what you had to do I know how hard that is. But you all need to have your own lives as well. You already said it's been a decade. I don't think there is anything wrong with the rest of the family going about their lives. Wish you and him the best

@malewire1263 Жыл бұрын

At some point you have to say goodbye and let him go. I did 7 years with my husband’s addiction. It never got better. He is now homeless on the streets. The pain and destruction he caused to me is simply unforgivable anymore. May God help him.

@JAMN2GD Жыл бұрын

Yep, his story is perfect. So true. Directly to get a beer. Planning etc. It's the same story in many ways that all have. But as I said, I cant believe near death, prison, 5 DUIs etc. and still do not stop. Alcohol in my opinion is the worst drug on the planet and it is the legal one. Makes a ton of sense. Geash.

@bonniebanner6878 7 ай бұрын

I'm so sorry you were neglected when you needed structure and support. Thank you for sharing your story!

@katefitzgibbon4270 Жыл бұрын

Brilliant conversation and of course there are consequences as he rightly points out, they are the reason eventually change can come from within. Thanks Amber

@kimperfect2295 Жыл бұрын

Thank you Amber and Kyle! Excellent information.

@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын

Our pleasure!

@garryleach767 3 жыл бұрын

So much truth to that consequence isn't a detterant from substance abuse. Getting to the root of our behaviour is and its a process. Awesome content as usual happy new year guys keep motivated.

@FIDIOT-cringe Жыл бұрын

"If consequences cured addiction there' would be no addicts." DOCTOR Gabor Mate.

@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын

Agreed!

@cyndiplagenza8804 2 жыл бұрын

Basically- you are saying nothing works. Everyones rock bottom is their own journey. As a parent we are left with our faith and holding on to hope.

@PutTheShovelDown 2 жыл бұрын

Hi Cyndi, We definitely didn't mean to make it sound like nothing works. In fact, I have a whole playlist for parents. Here's the link: kzbin.info/www/bejne/gmHUmJWFpq94kJI

@af5823 Жыл бұрын

This was a very interesting video. Thanks for being open and willing to share.

@melaniedunwoodie529 7 ай бұрын

Describing your night light- it’s like dealing with an addict.. but yet you have tons of excuses, and we are being punished for your behavior

@Rebecca-GLaines 7 ай бұрын

What? He was an addict. But I don't understand what "we pay for your actions?" Prisoners pay a great deal as well. It isn't free for anyone if that's what you were meaning

@JoyceSigns Жыл бұрын

I have been wishing and hoping that two addicted adult family members would get arrested/jailed just to keep them ALIVE because they'd be SAFER with little-to-no access to drugs ... but apparently I have been incredibly naive. 💔

@catherinecook9260 Жыл бұрын

Need this question answered: if you have a family member in county jail for not showing up to court and 2 misdemeanors. Had a $400 bail, family wouldn’t pay. We are actually grateful he is somewhere warm, dry, fed and safe. He is really ticked we won’t bail him out. He has now been in jail almost 60 days, sound MUCH better, speaks calmly and kindly to family. agreeable to go to Treatment and then sober living (which is paid for by the state he is living in) Soooo, do we bail him out? He went back to court, bail now $1500. Not clear why increased. My fear, we bail him out and he runs, gets high or ODs. I could not live w that. 60 days in jail sober is good, but not enough. NEVER though I’d say keep him in jail.

@bjharvey3021 3 жыл бұрын

agreed. tough love always made me need booze more. booze loves me unconditionally. my family will only show me love if I do what they tell me. so booze is my new family. my original family and I don't communicate anymore. that's the result of tough love. but that's just a blame game. I always refuse to take responsibility. I just need the quick solution to any problem. I think booze is more of a problem for people who cannot see the reward of long-term effort. it's a short-term strategy which is garuanteed to work every time...in the short term.

@christyfallinger8716 3 жыл бұрын

If there are no consequences...why bother stopping???

@Soberdogs 3 жыл бұрын

Yea thats a great point to think about I think consequences are good but like Amber talks about punishments are different.

@Rebecca-GLaines 7 ай бұрын

There's ALWAYS consequences. We don't see them, but addicts deal w consequences daily, but the addiction wants the fix. Once they get their fix, they feel like everything is fine then, and they just don't care. An addicts brain can't care how anyone feels, once they get high/drunk, THEN they'll care... to an extent. Then it's a repeated cycle

@saskiaguy1940 3 жыл бұрын

My HFAH lies to me and deceives me. When that happens after he’s promised not to do a certain thing (like playing pool and drinking in dodgy bars in the middle of the working day), I pull away emotionally because I feel unsafe in the relationship due to broken trust. It’s like a boundary to protect my heart. But he sees it as me punishing him. I get confused and wonder if that’s true? I can’t be emotionally intimate with him when I can’t trust him. By the way, I don’t try to control the drinking, I just asked him not to go to seedy bars like that because it makes me feel insecure about our relationship and that it opens the door to possible infidelity

@Soberdogs 3 жыл бұрын

Saskia I can say for me and many of us I promised my parents and family "THIS IS IT I PROMISE I WONT USE toNIGHt" and I can tell you I meant that from the bottom of my heart with every cell in my body. But the substances take over, it's like control of our brain and body. It's the disease making him do that. But until he decides to do something you got to take care of yourself in the process.

@laurashearer7352 3 жыл бұрын

I am dealing with this as well. Protecting my heart but comes across as mean punishment

@longgrayline8055 Жыл бұрын

My father, a top brass military officer took myself and my two brothers and told us that he would personally execute us if we ever did anything to embarrass our family. We knew he 100% meant it and had the people behind him to where he would have no problem making something like that happen. All 3 of us steered clear of the addictions and party lifestyle. In short, the top thing to keep one away from a lifestyle of idiocy is IMPENDING DEATH.

@leahgodwin6912 7 ай бұрын

I know EXACTLY what you mean.

@anthonyrossmaund3161 3 жыл бұрын

I know what he means in NY State prisons. We have a backward system here. I was in there 4 years. We also don't have a good rehabilitation programs that prevents recidivism or does any preparation for getting out.

@PutTheShovelDown 3 жыл бұрын

Time to reassess the way we “rehabilitate” people!

@Soberdogs 3 жыл бұрын

For sure Anthony. Maybe we crossed paths. what years were you in?

@anthonyrossmaund3161 3 жыл бұрын

@@Soberdogs I was in from 2016 to 2020. It would have been 2018 but I got home and violated with in 12 hours and got a 22 month violation. I work as a volunteer and member of the katal center and we work to change the parole system to ensure people have a chance out on the street. We got the less is more act signed into law. Now we are working to keep it. Thanks for your time, I find your content helps keep me sober and out of trouble. Also you and Amber have taught me a lesson in giving back and aloud me to have as much success as I have had.

@maggiejaynes1777 Жыл бұрын

You use the word consequences...I understand you say consequences aren't effective. However, healthy boundaries are necessary for the family and friends. We have to put healthy boundaries in place regardless of if the addict will or won't choose change.

@briepower8226 Жыл бұрын

Kicking her out seems like both a punishment from me and her own obvious consequence.

@PutTheShovelDown 3 жыл бұрын

How Far Should I Let My Addicted Loved One Fall? 😥😥kzbin.info/www/bejne/iKbadZ6antCFhMU

@brightpage1020 4 ай бұрын

I'm guessing consequences that no one: not the addict or the family or loved ones can control. Unpredictable consequences. Like jail or death.

@tonimarroy9219 3 жыл бұрын

How you know if they are trying to get clean?

@Soberdogs 3 жыл бұрын

Thats a great question. I think you can see the difference between someone trying to game the system and just keep getting high and someone who is trying but just struggling and having some slip-ups.

@laran8079 3 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for this video and all of your videos! I’m subscribed to both of you! I have a serious question. My husband and I have been separated for over three months. It started legally, because he really scared me when he was high on Xanax and I called the cops and they questioned me until they got just enough to arrest him on, even though I didn’t want him to be arrested, and they put about a month-long restraining order on him. Since getting out of jail, he’s been drinking every day and doing meth… Occasionally? It seems like it’s every one or two weeks. He’s kind of at the end of his rope as far as working on things (He never got professional help) and he’s eliminated most healthy things out of his life. I didn’t want him to come back and us live together because before the jail incident he had become more and more violent and I’ve been struggling with fear and trauma from the mental chaos, even if he didn’t hit me. He still says that I’m the one overreacting and causing a lot of the problems. I know I have my part to play in handling stress and not arguing and just stepping away but I haven’t seen him take responsibility to the extent of doing something about his issues. He’s yelled at me, broke things, tried to break things, been controlling. He forced me in a car, which was the worst thing he’s done physically to me. Actually I feel like worse than that was the times he’s taking my phone away from me when he thought I was calling the cops in the time he wouldn’t let me leave the house. He takes control and I feel helpless. We both love each other and we both want our marriage to work. We’ve had a great counselor for almost 2 years now who unfortunately doesn’t know a lot about addiction but helps with communication. She’s one of the only people My husband will still talk with. So she’s kind of our last line of defense. This Monday, she wants us both to come together with compromises in mind on how to move forward from where we’ve been stuck. Basically, my husband says he won’t do anything else to help himself until he moves back into the house and I’m saying I want him to get help before he moves back in for my own health. My husband says he’s already done a lot but if you look at the evidence, he has just checked a few small boxes and really not shown progress. I mean he’s a little nicer and tries not to blow up but it feels like a Band-Aid. I desperately want my marriage to survive (he’s talking about divorce) but I don’t want to shoot us in the foot. I want us to be healthier. He keeps saying that this separation is a punishment, not a consequence, and that I’m treating him like his mom. (Past trauma and maybe some mental health issues going on.) What kind of compromise do you think I should make? Initially, I wanted him to go to in-house rehab. He’s very against that. He says that to get any help, we need more money first and not until he moves back in. I got down to just wanting him to do outpatient for a month or maybe just an addiction counselor for a month and then move back in as long as he genuinely wants change and he’s going to keep getting help. Do you think that’s enough to ask for? I guess I feel like I’m trying to find the most bare-bones thing I can ask for in hopes that we will hit a compromise. (I also really wanted him home by Christmas but that’s only a few weeks away now…) Thanks so much

@Soberdogs 3 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much, Lara. That means so much to me. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that situation. I wish I had an answer to get you through everything but it's a process and please make sure you take care of yourself.

@laran8079 3 жыл бұрын

@@Soberdogs Thank you so much 🙏🏼

@jennywareagle 2 жыл бұрын

I have been in a similar situation. I would find a counselor that knows about addiction and read the books Boundaries and Codependent No More if you haven’t already. I have let my husband come back so many times and we are legally separated, but I have yet to see much real change. It doesn’t sound like you are trying to punish him to me. It sounds like you are trying to take care of yourself and that’s a good thing.

@charlessoukup1111 2 жыл бұрын

When I WAS drinking I would open vodka or gin & have a swig on the one mile drive back to my house. Traditional. It was purposefully rebellious...a statement of rejection of any prohibitions.