Taking a Stand: When and How to Confront Someone's Addictive Behavior

Confronting addictive behavior with compassion and empowerment. Join us as we explore when and how to take a stand when faced with someone struggling with addiction. Addiction is a complex and sensitive issue that affects millions worldwide. It can be exceedingly challenging to confront someone about their addictive behavior, but it is often necessary for their well-being and the welfare of those around them. This video aims to provide you with practical strategies to approach these challenging situations. By adopting a compassionate approach, we believe that positive change becomes possible. We emphasize the significance of understanding the underlying causes of addiction, dispelling stigma, and promoting empathy. Doing so can foster an environment that encourages growth, healing, and transformation. We'll discuss strategies for effectively communicating concerns and setting boundaries while maintaining a supportive and non-judgmental stance.
⚠️These are educational videos, NOT therapy or advice specific to your situation.
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES:
🆓FREE Downloadable Resources:
www.familyrecoveryacademy.onl...
😃If you like our KZbin content, you'll love our 📢 Advanced Skills Membership! 👇🏻
www.familyrecoveryacademy.onl...
🙋🏻FB group for family members:
/ familyrecoverysupport
📆Make An Appointment With One Of Our Specialists:
www.familyrecoveryacademy.onl...

[@familycooking2568]

I hold back saying things all the time to my alcoholic daughter. But I feel like it's like I'm pushing it under the carpet, which in her head she thinks I'm ok with her doing it.

[@vonettapa4317]

Same!

[@donnareitzel991]

I just think everything is just always all the time about the addict. It's exhausting and makes us addicted to fixing them. I say, find freedom and let them have it their way and let them go. We only have one life to live. If God can't change them why do we think we can?

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

After just losing my sister to alcohol and standing by her I know I can never go through this pain again if I’m unlucky enough to have someone I love like that again they go go off somewhere and do it without me because my heart is broken and I know their is absolutely nothing you can do for a chronic alcoholic never again for I can’t I’m so damaged.

[@deannarobinson4065]

feel this deeply

[@tinyfacemcgee9211]

I kicked my 20 yr old son out, and today the locksmith came and changed my locks and I feel so peaceful!!!

[@janeviscolosi6455]

Today I told my loved one he was gaslighting me and has been for many years. Of course he denied and accused me of crossing the line. I just can not say nothing ....I want to communicate, but it never goes well.

[@judisamoisette1258]

That’s sooo true, you have to pretend it’s your Own recovery, I say I’m fixing myself, or I say it to myself, “ fixing myself first”

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Spot on!

[@debbyallen1234]

But it isn’t pretending, we really are in recovery from the chaos of addiction in our lives too. 😊

[@vetmom00]

My husband is an alcoholic. He was a high functioning alcoholic but lost his career due to a disabling condition. He has a good couple of days and then he falls off the wagon for 1-2 weeks. He knows he has a problem. But he won’t seek help (retired physician). After 34 years of marriage I’m about to walk out.

[@cassandracambisaca7660]

This has been a popular topic in my women's groups this week. I always send them to you to learn the best approaches. This video is right on time! Thank you once again. My husband is 22 months clean and is now a sponsor of others. We communicate better than ever and it all started with you! I had the be the one that changed first.

[@annahgibbus8]

I like how you take the time to process a question & then answer it straight on. The Reese's analogy was really good & i have to say hilarious 😆 Basically like good parenting make emphasis on their good behavior instead of shaming them into change. Shaming never works & most addicts all ready are filled to the brim with shame. You're born to do this job! I can't tell you how many addiction professionals & 12 step groups had the very worst advice ever when I knew zero of how to deal with an alcoholic. I wish I had your videos 40 years ago. I did everything wrong because I was taught to by the professionals🙄 Because of all I've learned in those 40 years I know your teaching & advice are spot on. You have a rare gift. Blessings

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Awwwww, you're so kind. I just got a big splash of positive brain chemicals from reading this nice message. 😃😃😁😁

[@annahgibbus8]

@@PutTheShovelDown "Splash of positive brain chemicals" Great & hilarious 😆🫶👍 It's awkward for me complimenting because I don't compliment often & when someone stands out like you & your knowledge of addiction or just a woman in a public restroom with a really cute put together outfit I kind of gush out a compliment that someone could interpret as insincere or love bombing. So I don't bother complimenting unless I just must! Lol Honestly the horrible advice I had in a 40 year marriage to a very functional alcoholic was all awful! I did everything wrong! Grr that makes me very angry. I possibly could have gotten out of the marriage or possibly he could have decided to stop drinking, but no chance for either how I was advised🙄 He passed 2020 full of cancer & hadn't a clue. He went in for a gallbladder operation & they saw he was full of cancer & passed 5 weeks later very painfully. He wouldn't eat barely anything in the whole 40 years. We had constant fights about my cooking, but in my opinion because of his heavy alcoholism he lived on milk & tomato juice. 3 years before he past he was vomiting blood & passing blood in the toilet & lost lots of weight. I told him you need to go to a doctor ASAP with those symptoms never mentioning how much he drank. I encouraged his friends to tell him to see a doctor, but they thought I was nuts. He sewed his jeans in to a 26 inch waist! Six two tall! He'd wear layers to hide how skinny he was. Even though our marriage was volatile I sure didn't want to see him suffer so horribly. He basically starved to death. Then he couldn't even get down the hospice oral pain drugs. I had to send him from home to the hospice hospital because he was so belligerent & kept trying to leave the house not dressed & only a skeleton. I was afraid I'd hurt him by forcing him back in bed. Sorry to rattle on, but it was really horrible. I have a major attitude against medical, psychological & addiction professionals because I happened to have run into the worst ones. I don't remember how I ended up on your channel, but you are so spot on & I just know it! I believe you understand family dynamics and addiction & they go hand in hand. That's extremely important! So even though I don't have an addicted person to deal with anymore I'm staying subbed & would highly recommend you to anybody addicted or the family of an addicted loved one. Blessings to you and yours and your channel 🫶

[@LA1898]

Thank you for all your tips and helpful content. My brother has been struggling for few years but still highly functional and in denial in front of us. Once again, thank you for your help, so that more of us can learn and try to be there for our loved ones in a positive way.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're so welcome. I'm glad this was helpful 💖

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

You can’t change him sorry.

[@Disturbeduser3147]

This is asking a lot from anyone who has a close relationship with an addict. What am I not getting here? This sounds like asking someone in a toxic situation to pretend like it's not? Somebody eating too much is not an apples to apples comparison. Eating too much does not turn someone into a Jelkyl and Hyde. It doesn't drain the bank account, it isnt against the law, it doesnt endanger children, it wont cause a job loss, I could go on. Calling it out isnt about being helpful to the addict, it's about making the loved one who is dealing with shitty addict behavior feel better. It's about standing up for yourself and not eating shit constantly served by the addict. Where else in life are addict behavior treated with kindness? Their boss, nope. The landlord, nope. The law, nope. But loved ones are supposed to? Nope, not gonna do it. My addict, literally thinks I'm okay with his bullshit unless I tell him I dont like it. He will say, "well, you didnt say anything so I thought it was okay". Please dont assume all addicts care what they are doing, or are even aware. Some dont and arent. Unless they are called out, they literally never think about it.

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

I agree

[@susanhalliday1790]

Thank you so much for this informative and timely (for me) discussion today. I appreciate all you do Amber and your solid and wise advice! ❤ you have been a godsend for me!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome!

[@annahgibbus8]

Thank you for your response to KBC about a homeless addict. That's my question also. Your answer was exactly what I expected. Thanks

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome

[@deannarobinson4065]

OMG Theresa N 🥰"wow look! The little vase didn't break." is *BY FAR* the most relatable way of illustrating the nuanced feelings we all have in those moments when we're straaaaaaaiining, reaching for anything! Anything at all! Just one thing! Find something . . . . oh look, the little vase . . . . 🕉 thank you.

[@sissonfamily1520]

So helpful. Thank you. ❤

[@PutTheShovelDown]

So glad!

[@CindyCrawford-ky7os]

So thankful ❤

[@nadiahabib5250]

Thanks for this video, I keep thinking what can I say, it's good to be reminded that it's often best not to

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome!

[@michelecrouse5284]

great practical content that you that gives me something to think about.......

[@francescadesarasola800]

Q. My husband is 8 weeks sober. I’m fairly confident it isn’t wishful thinking as he has a detector. But he’s still lying to me about where he’s going and what he’s doing. I’m supportive of anything he tells me he’s planning to do so he’s no reason to hide things anymore. I don’t question him, he just trips himself up so the truth is exposed. Why is he doing it? I’ve asked and he seems genuine when he says he doesn’t know. It seems almost like it’s his default setting even when there’s nothing to gain and everything to lose. Is this a normal part of the process?

[@Kim-kw7fo]

What about when there are little kids involved? Surely protecting a child is more important than protecting an adult.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Yes, Always!

[@Rcupid1]

My adult daughter disappears after we go to bed and doesn’t leave a note. This always happens when we suspect she has been drinking, Since she is driving under the influence, should ,I bring this up? She is under probation for domestic violence. I am confident she was drinking that night but she wasn’t charged with anything to do with alcohol. Should I call her probation officer?

[@comeon_man]

@@Rcupid1I’d call. But be ready to forget the relationship w daughter. Be ready to move her out.

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

@@Rcupid1yes

[@angelaped]

Super good - thank you

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Glad you liked it!

[@sharonbarnes9080]

I am listening 2 months after this was first viewed. The lady who was helping a Homeless Person and said there wasn’t help available. There is a place in Greenwood, SC called Faith Home that is free. The person was call everyday until there’s a bed.

[@judisamoisette1258]

Wow I love the sound of your new Microphone!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Ahhhhh, thanks for noticing, Judi! 😁😁😁

[@mujerespues5262]

Amber what can I do when my boyfriend walks away from me, disappears for weeks to get high, doesn't answer the phone or calls. I try to focus on something else but it's not easy and then it comes back like nothing. I don't know how to react, make a video about it please

[@twylaharris4082]

I disagree with not speaking about certain things that should just be a "given". Boundaries need to be clearly set and spoken so all parties know what the expectations are. Addicts are master manipulators so clearly drawn and spoken boundaries are a necessity but of course, follow through is also then required.

[@jamesshipps1795]

I am going through a divorce because of my sneak drinking over the years. Ultimately, I want her back more than anything else. What can I say to her? I am in recovery now, and we have two children in grade school.

[@comeon_man]

Heartbreaking with kids. You could simply say. I can understand you wanting divorce after “years “ of disappointment. But I’ll be there for the kids every second now. And as your friend ,who’s in recovery , if ever you want. She’ll know as proven over time.

[@ladytao6370]

My 28 yr old son has been on a bender for about 2 months. But this has been going on for years. He has lost his g/f and child. He got laid off, found a job got fired after three day because he showed up hangover. He was on probation two years ago for DUI. So he has been having the consequences for his behavior, but now it seems that he doesn't give a damn anymore. I do not live with him but his new g/f, bless her heart, is very worried what will happen with him. What can be done?

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

Nothing you can’t stop him.

[@srishtisuman8958]

Thank you for this video Amber!! ❤ My husband has been seeing a counsellor for his alcohol addiction for the past 2 months. He says he tries really hard to not drink, which I feel is genuine because he opens up and talks to me about why he wants to quit - family is important to him. But he keeps slipping up every 3-4 days. I am struggling to keep my sanity intact. I am from India and don't have enough resources around. Any advice on what's going on with him will help me figure out my next steps.

[@TSmith-wc9tm]

It does sound like … accept being walked all over. Where in the real word (work, church, public, school) can you behave in a reckless way and no one say a word to you. Accept adult temper tantrums daily?

[@TSmith-wc9tm]

*real world

[@heaven120]

I have seen some flirty chats of my alcoholic husband with some random girls who he conveyed that hes a divorcee and hes lonely and wants to meet etc. I feel so cheated. This happened once earlier and he instead blamed me for the whole thing. Is it better to keep quiet or should i call it out? Hes in a bad shape of liver cirrhosis and is a very agressive and narcissistic alcoholic.

[@jeanh.826]

My daughter has been kicked out yet another rehab center. She has been in an abusive relationship with her husband for 2 years. We have been begging her to go into rehab and get away from him for years. Her 19 year old daughter is now starting to feel the effects. I want that to stop. I don't want her to go through what I have been through for the last 30 years with her mom. We were supposed to go visit her this weekend. But she got drunk before we were supposed to go. It was to be a Christmas visit with gifts, I will lose a lot of money on the condo I rented. Now, Im thinking I don't want to reward her behavior plus I am worried about coming in contact with her abusive husband. Any words of advice?

[@kato80918]

So so hard to be around adult son -lives with me temp-never know his mood - one day good next day irritated. Supposes to be I. Recovery It I suspect differently .

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

So when my mum found my sisters hidden stash in her home when she let my sister stay the weekend should she have let my sister stay or send her home like she did.

[@ChristinaHolly]

My brother is in the hospital for copd near death. He chain smokes. The hospital said he tested positive for cocaine, meth, alcohol, and marijuana. He is doing better and wanted to be released early. My dad was going to put him in an apartment due to his living conditions. He lives with me for years but I finally told him he couldn’t live with me (this happened several years ago). He is 10 yrs older than me. Anyway, my dad, who is in his 80s, doesn’t want to tell my brother we know about his drug use. I disagree but what are your thoughts? I am really tired of the kids and side stepping the truth.

[@sharonscott1776]

Oh please answer how do u confront someone when they have treated u badly? Why do they lie? He threw in my face that he finds it funny I can’t have kids. How do u confront him for how disgusting he was to say that????

[@trollsnotwelcome7805]

Words are very powerful..is it way we say spelling as in casting a spell with words 🤔

[@PutTheShovelDown]

💯💯💯💯

[@user-ij7dy7jf6r]

I have been in denial for years about his addiction. I do love him and want him sober. But deep I don’t think he can do it. I am totally over this life with an alcoholic. I tell him I want a divorce then bargaining starts. How do I get him set me free?

[@lizzijansen6527]

Your choice. YOU set yourself free. Don’t discuss it with him, just walk away. It’s okay to love him from a distance. As Dr. Laura says “Is this the way you want to live between now and dead?”

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

I praised my sister all the time it made no difference unfortunately.

[@michelecrouse5284]

yeah your whole body show it....I'm a dead give away....I just go numb dead....

[@deannarobinson4065]

" . . . maybe it's like . . . going back to Ex." lol/not lol

[@largefamilychaos1837]

I feel like a fool if I didn't say something.

[@dhtt7937]

You are so wrong on all this. No one should accept bad behavior from an alcoholic. That is co-dependent behavior. If you expect good behavior from yourself why would you allow bad behavior from someone else just because they are an alcoholic.

[@nickie88888]

Addicts just are just energy suckers.when there are minors involved the addict cannot take the precious time of anybody

[@Disturbeduser3147]

Jesus Christ, this is toxic advice.

[@rosarioquiroga8300]

Thank you so much 🕊🙏🫶

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome