What You Should Know About Dark Empathy

An essential ingredient in healthy relationships is empathy, the ability to know and understand others from their perspective. Dr. Les Carter describes how narcissists, in their desire to exploit, can give the impression of empathy when it really is not. Their pseudo-empathy is accompanied by dark motives. Once you understand the nature of dark empathy, you can set the necessary boundaries.
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[@malloryjoiner8286]

Oddly enough a quote from John Travolta that stuck with me comes to mind. He said something to the effect of, ‘Just because someone is a nice person doesn’t mean they are a good person.’ I think that is SO important to remember because sometimes we really need someone just to freaking be nice to us. A narcissist can smell this like a shark can smell blood in the water. And they will be nice to you... for a price, a pretty steep one, but they will never be good to you. Don’t get it twisted. 🤞✊🍀

[@mehitabel1290]

Wow, this is so true! A narcissist I work with is widely regarded as "nice". Not kind or caring, but "K..? Oh yeah, she's nice!" She laughs at everyones' jokes and bitches about the things they like to hear bitched about. She hasn't argued with anyone and has the same kind of life and priorities they do... Yeah, such a Nice person. Just so long as she never has to really go out of her way for anyone, or make herself open or vulnerable. She just keeps on saying the right, impersonal, things. Then, when I was having a terrible day and was crying my eyes out in the washroom -- just the two of us in the office that day -- she was deliberately cruel to me... To the point of actual sadism. She was enjoying my unhappiness and the fact I wasn't coping. Nice? Oh yeah, sure. But Good?...................?

[@malloryjoiner8286]

@Mehitabel: Yes, exactly. I was blown away about the distinction between a nice person and a good person too, especially how many times I got burned by not understanding the difference.

[@grammamarth6681]

I always say, there's no one nicer than the devil if it will get you to follow him to hell.

[@malloryjoiner8286]

@ Gramma Marth: Amen my sister. 🙏

[@noracharles9366]

@@grammamarth6681 ♥!

[@shiny7301]

Be careful if a person says "I am an empath". A real empath, authentic person doesn't have the feeling of proving himself/herself by words..

[@anavigil7603]

Or "I am a good person" over and over. Words mean little to me anymore. Actions and follow through is what I trust.

[@shiny7301]

@@anavigil7603 Surely👍Actions speak more louder than words. And the main problem with the narcissists is that their actions and words are not compatible.That's why relationship with them aren't safe..

[@roberttipton8181]

Whats your first name? Jw

[@sannajohanna5579]

Also, when someone convince: ”Trust me!” Do not trust! Trustworthy people do not think about trusting, they act trustworthigly.

[@shiny7301]

@@sannajohanna5579 💯💯💯Actions speak louder than words

[@1013specialk]

They can control their anger, when witnesses are around

[@choosepeacetoday]

Yes. Lundy Bancroft says that too. He says they don't have a problem with their anger....they have a problem with your anger...(in other words , you are not allowed to get angry...no matter what). This is why they never let their bad side show in public, at least most of the time, unless their mask slips. When I was in group, one of the facilitators said when they go out in public, they are not going out as themselves, they are sending their "representative".

[@aaronchambers543]

@@choosepeacetoday wow, that's accurate

[@choosepeacetoday]

@@aaronchambers543 Have you seen this too? Nice in public?

[@desertangelfish140]

Or until the marriage certificate is signed. 😉

[@t.l.7733]

Their psuedo empathy is typically short-lived as they become exhausted putting on their false front.

[@shewins3775]

This is exactly what’s happening in a situation with a “friend”. They can act like they care, but they don’t go in deep with your feelings. They will show only surface empathy. You pick up on it the more awakened you become. You then start to be repelled by them at the same time now honoring your intuition and feeling proud for having done so. Finally.

[@sebastienbolduc5654]

By their deeds you shall know them. Acting like one cares is one thing, actually doing something about it to aid the other person is another. If their words do not go into action then.... I have even witnessed my narc act like "good times" during extreme tragedies. They tend to play the "optimistic" card. In reality they just want the good times, the good feelings. They don't want to be inconvenienced. But when they are the victim of a tragedy, watch out! You won't hear the end of it. You'll put more energy into them, and spend more time listening to them, then they will ever spend on you or someone else. Only you have the power to end that cycle. Disengage and don't get involved with them.

[@shewins3775]

@@sebastienbolduc5654 This is so completely true!! Bless you.

[@G.G.8GG]

Sometimes you can even have a good "heart to heart" with them. But then when they are feeling insecure or not adored or sympathized enough with, they can slice you down quick as a wink. Then you feel stupid for having trusted them. The most unhealthy feeling is being expected to validate their distorted view of things.

[@yime6631]

@@sebastienbolduc5654 God's Word states .....from such turn away, and .... from such withdraw thyself in two different verses when dealing with these toxic or evil individuals. OR NO CONTACT. Gee, I wonder why? We sure know why after our experiences with them. Thanks Dr. Les for you being one of these great experts on narcissism that help us GET this. Have a good day today.

[@detjaggillar8081]

#metoo

[@karolinagren5846]

They are super tuned into you when they are reeling you in, but once they've caught the fish, they will not show they're into you anymore. Devaluing sets in.

[@dianevanderlinden3480]

I heard it in a song once--it's not the kill, it's the thrill of the chase.

[@karolinagren5846]

@@dianevanderlinden3480 That's how sad they are. Predators, no stamina for a real relationship, not even the skills to pull off a fake relationship.

[@JD-un2zv]

True but as someone having been put through that devalue, once abused you can't go back. In a way that is in part devaluing in return, just not in aggressive way. Can't get in the pig pen come out clean. They play your wanting to disconnect by playing victim. Now they are positioning you as abuser. You say yell stop as their being aggressive , they then now react as wow you yelled so abusive. Mind bending cat mouse games.

[@cacatr4495]

@@JD-un2zv They try to invert reality.

[@1ajtg]

Firstly my mother was reeled in, then my grandparents, then me, followed by my father and sister. Once we were married, overnight his behaviour changed significantly. Once we had a child it got even worse. Once he got me away from my family and friends that's when he had me exactly where he wanted me and treated me like his Cinderella.

[@catnc1]

Boy, I needed this video 30 years ago!!! 😭 Good in spite of it all: a beautiful son and two grandsons. LESSON LEARNED: Go slow, and don't ignore red flags.

[@lindamcwilliams9056]

Amen!!

[@pauljackson112]

Go slow and don't ignore the red flags indeed. If only I had listened to my gut! Two beautiful children now, though. Every cloud, and all that :)

[@theresefournier3269]

That's right. A life lesson, not a life sentence! YAHsome!

[@reddawn8230]

Same.

[@angelachapeski8461]

I needed it almost exactly 4 years ago! Still trying to get out of the relationship

[@janettemartin4604]

They WANT YOU! They are like predators that stalk you for SOMETHING! And they think you are SO EASY! It’s very insulting!

[@Mehmet-rw9bu]

I think playing the victim is basically being self impressed. They think and say, "Look, I suffer so much more than you do, so what do you have to complain about anyway?"

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

True. Dr. C

[@JN-xv9tl]

This is very much what I experience with my mother. Always a victim, never a victor. Never is the oppressor. Never in the wrong. Extremely "understanding" and "caring". People on the outside would say that I have a great mother. It's so confusing. I'm 28 and only now sorting through the roller coaster of an emotional life I have lived because of her...

[@steviecrow914]

Charm and pseudo-empathy has tripped me up many times in the workplace. Ruthless, ambitious people are great at feigning interest and friendship while it serves their interests. It can be brutal when their mask falls.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Exactly. Dr. C

[@lydiapetra1211]

Same here. ..worked in a cutthroat business.....sweet as honey and stabbed you with 3 knives at once....

[@izi.z2384]

Yup, and when you are not giving them what they want some of them will turn around talk about you and call you unfriendly.

[@choosepeacetoday]

Good to know Dr. C. I have seen this behavior: they don’t want to bond, they want adoration. This is a trap, because it looks as if they are genuinely being nice….

[@RRthee1]

Yes!!

[@saratemp790]

One really good sign of a narc is that they seem to gloat in treating past partners badly. Listen to the stories they tell about ex's. They always make it look like the past partner was really into them, but they gloat how they were not that into the other partner. But kept them around anyway. That is always a good sign of a narc.

[@Jessica-zf2df]

Exactly. They have this shady circle of exes that never seem to fade from the picture even though they are all bitches (according to the narc).

[@saratemp790]

@@Jessica-zf2df So true. The ex's are all bitches but they always still keep them around in some way.

[@allaboardthegravytrain5987]

Wow I feel like a moron or born yesterday for not knowing these basic common sense things. It’s what pulls me down sometimes cause I was so blinded by what he made seem to be “love”.

[@allaboardthegravytrain5987]

@@Jessica-zf2df exactltttyy! The narc goes into full, extreme “too much information” dirt on their ex’s but they still glorify and keep them around, and at the devalue stage, use these people to triangulate with you so you will feel jealous! Lol it’s hilarious cause they already told us the dirt about the person so why should we feel jealous? They are full of contradictions.

[@Jessica-zf2df]

@@allaboardthegravytrain5987 yes my ex used two of his exes to triangulate...one apparently hates my guts and the other called me a scrawny bitch! Amazing as neither of them had even met me 😂

[@areilly2496]

Certain people will pretend to have empathy & understanding towards you..they want you to come & commiserate with them as if they really care about you. As soon as they get enough info on you, they turn their backs, gaslight you & try to make you miserable. Don't trust anyone!!

[@truthandreality4650]

"Don't trust anyone?" Really, buddy! That's exactly what narcissists want. So that good, empathic, normal people don't form a resistance and keep us apart. It's easy enough to differentiate a good, empathic, normal person from a narcissist. Just look at how they communicate and what they communicate. If they are open and genuine and forthcoming, there you go, you have a good, empathic, normal person. At the same time, you can test for narcissism easily enough by challenging a popular belief and see if they are open to what you are saying, genuinely, or call you crazy and/or stupid and aggressively defend something that they have no real knowledge, experience and research in. Or, whether they communicate readily, or leave you in the dark when you ask for help. Etc. Lots of ways to call them out but always trust first with one eye open and grow your circle of good, empathic, normal people.

[@areilly2496]

@@truthandreality4650 I like your take on it. However, it's going to be very difficult to ever trust anyone again. After being fooled for so long, I think many people no longer trust their own judgement 😉

[@truthandreality4650]

@@areilly2496 We are at war with narcissism. We won't survive the spread of the disease with the way that it's been going. Just look at what they have done to the world in the last hundred years and how bad it is. Putting our heads down just makes it easier for them to chop it off. They have no empathy, mercy or remorse and the ultimate satisfaction of their need for supply is to kill someone directly or indirectly. Everything that provides you happiness, strength and fulfillment they will try to take from you so you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by forming a resistance. You will have support from good, empathic, normal people. Fight.

[@gazelle3635]

I agree! Dont trust anyone. Very sound advice!

[@truthandreality4650]

@@gazelle3635 That's the divisiveness that narcissists spread as they fear resistance from good, empathic, normal people that are together and organized. But you know that, don't you, Jezebel, I mean, Gazelle.

[@ravenel2]

If they seem completely nice and empathetic and their actions leave you gasping with their cruelty/indifference, ignore the words.

[@JN-xv9tl]

This is helpful. Thanks for posting.

[@peterknyk1942]

Not only is dark empathy cruel and malicious it is family and relationship destroying....this kind of empathy from a narcissist is so cunning and phony....it is all about supply, adoration, approval etc.🤮 FAKE 😱 Thank you dr C! 🙏

[@kc8449]

He would often say near the end that he was an empath and I had no emotions. Said while I cried or begged for his compromise. Now I know that his favorite things to do were to project himself onto me, triangulation, and gaslight me. I cannot believe how much control over me I allowed him to have, but I am so thankful that I was able to get away and found your channel to help me understand what I had been through. Thank you.

[@karolinagren5846]

Forgive yourself for not being aware of what was happening. We were all duped. Rejoice for the fact that you got away. My brain was so scrambled by my narc, that it's only now that I sigh and say; "Thank you, gut! I hope there won't be a second time and that I'll listen to you the first time and break contact."

[@masterdaveedwards]

Yeh...Dr C is amazing...glad you getting some help...I've been listening for years and I come for tune ups all the time.

[@marinakruger6492]

Love yourself and be good to yourself. You know your worth and identity. We are all being betrayed by the Nephelim spirit roaming the realm around us. Like Dr C said... we as empaths and pure hearted individuals need to be very careful to whom we open our hearts. They will come in and crush it.. and boy oh boy... it hurts more than anything I can describe. Lots of love and light to all the special people watching this channel. You are worthy and appreciated ❤

[@Tererinterin]

You’re not alone sis ❤️

[@allaboardthegravytrain5987]

They only think they have empathy so they don’t need to change or do anything. It’s called ego dystonic.

[@dshe8637]

I came across this with a family member recently. He was the most understanding and sympathetic person ever; always asking how i was and being supportive. I disclosed a lot and felt safe to do so. Three whole years later, he wanted to undermine a situation where i was helping another person he happened to be in dispute with. Out of the blue, I was suddenly faced with emotional bullying, using exactly the same phrases that i had told him upset me years ago! It was devastating at first, but after thinking it through, I was just left amazed at his memory, motivation and lack of morals. How anyone could remember the details of another person's distress and then bring them out three years later for their own purposes is mind blowing!

[@Shellshellzee]

It's what narcissist do

[@mehitabel1290]

Typical narcissistic behaviour! They squirrel information away, to throw it in your face when they feel threatened. And yes, they can hold onto it for YEARS. My narcissitic mother was very fond of throwing back at me the exact same phrases I used to her, when trying (pointlessly, I now realise) to defend myself from her vicious attacks. It was often downright bizarre, because the expressions I used were ones she would never normally utter - so it was very obvious that, consciously or not, she was parroting me back at myself. Sometimes she would wait months for the lob-back; sometimes it would only be half an hour or so. But three years is no great stretch, for a narc.

[@lesleyelalami2562]

@@mehitabel1290 Lightbulb moment.... they parrot you back to you in defence of their non-selves, trying to make you own what they refuse to acknowledge belongs to them. It's the mirroring which I've learned we need to do to demolish them. Reflect their true self back to them. Thanks for that. x Beware people who parrot as there's no-one behind the scenery.... it's just an echo.

[@andreamelless2822]

Shows how pathetic their life is. ✌🇨🇦

[@dshe8637]

@@andreamelless2822 Yes, it's horrible to be on the receiving end, but when you think how empty and fearful that person is, it's quite sad really.

[@chelleb3055]

It's a technique they use to get you to let your guard down. It doesn't matter what hardship you've been through in life, they will act as if they not only understand but they've been there, too. If not them personally, they know someone with the same problem and they will seem so very empathetic towards you and this other person. You'll feel like you connect with them because they can relate to you in a way no one else can but it's an act. It's to draw you into their trap. Until you've been targeted by a narcissist using fake empathy and can look back on it, it's almost impossible to believe.

[@bradmcewen]

This resonated with vivid recollections. I met a single woman at a grief group. Both in our fifties. She there for mother, I for wife. What started out ok shortly became covertly abusive which evoked into full blown overt, in private ofcourse, all after that trauma bond was established. There actually was not even fake empathy for my plight but I certainly tried to comfort hers. Long story short with absolute discernment is her loss was her # 1 enabler. I dont think I'm wrong but the apple didn't fall far from the tree. One thing I wish I had been not so naive about is if someone has literally been in dozens of relationships it is a huge tell. That and rapidly deteriorating behaviors with that anger projected endlessly. It's a shame some of us hang in there too long. Now I could see this, observe unattached and make the determination you have to. Live but learn.

[@choosepeacetoday]

Chelle:Exactly ! It is so hard to believe, when we want to be nice, tolerant, and forgiving people. But that is reality.

[@USNBLUE]

Absolutely

[@easygii]

so true. once I discover someone is just trying to trick me, Im all boundaries and grey rock. The first narc I ever "bought it" was my ex husband. someone should really give him an Oscar for that.

[@chelleb3055]

@@bradmcewen This is why we have to have our guard up especially during vulnerable times. It's so difficult to come to terms with the fact that these people exist and we are like prey to them. I don't know that I can ever fully trust anyone after years of narcissistic abuse but I'm hopeful that someday that will change. Until then, my shields are way up!

[@chickenbiscuit4525]

Shallow people often have to make a big push in displaying their empathy qualities upfront. It buys them some time. It's kind of a preemptive quality that registers to more empathetic people as superficial. Usually why the impressionist grandiose is the way they are.

[@edgreen8140]

They have cognitive empathy it lacks emotion. That's how we spot false empathy.

[@lesleyelalami2562]

it's like they know the words (learned the script from others) yet can't feel the true feeling. Hollow souls.

[@edgreen8140]

@@lesleyelalami2562 Empty creatures who had to watch others to learn how to react so it looks correct. They don't want to be found out.

[@ysmithriley]

@Ed Green Thanks for putting this into words. I felt this but couldn't succinctly put it into words.

[@strugglingmillennial1298]

Yikes! My ex-boss was “kind” and “listened” to my problems when I was new on the job, but come to find out she is really an insensitive bigot. When she had no control over me she started gaslighting and bullying me. This is not limited to work relationships, it can happen in friendships, family, etc. Be cautious on who you open up to! You’re so right, they don’t care about you. Thanks, Dr. C.

[@sh236]

My covert narc did this!! His expressions of empathy/caring were always transactional. Love the term dark empathy! Always an angle for asking how are you. Always.

[@Jewels1573]

My son brags about being an 'empath' yet has little true empathy. It used to confuse me. Thanks Dr. Carter for helping me sift through all the manipulation.

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

Narcissists claim a lot of things about themselves that are not true. I have seen this all my life with family members.

[@cyndimoring9389]

@Lula why?

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

@Lula we do not raise children who are narcissists, in isolation. I recall all the extended family and the school system that worked against the principles of God I tried to instill in my children. They spend more time with the school system and extended family than they did with me against my desires. When we marry someone they also have influence over our children that is contrary to what we believe. We do not raise a child all alone, the community influences the children in ways we wish it did not. I was raised in a narcissistic family system that influenced my children. If I had it to do all over again I would never allow my children to have time with their grandparents or their aunts and uncles. I remember many times when these people spoke against me in front of my children, even talking to them as though something was wrong with me. The culture as a whole was narcissistic and hated that I wanted something better for my children.

[@Jewels1573]

@Lula this comment would seem a great example of dark empathy.

[@dshe8637]

@@Jewels1573 definitely so. It's ironic

[@sofiagoudaropoulou2392]

Narcissists as always opportunists!!use empathy just to have an advantage to make an inroad to healthy minded humans!!💛💛👍

[@silverkitty2503]

empathy is empathy when it lasts a long time and when it is in harmony with their other actions towards you and others.

[@dianevanderlinden3480]

ah this explains someone I know. How can he be a narc when he seems so nice, never really badmouths anyone. It's all part of the game.

[@chelleb3055]

That is a covert and they are tricky to unmask! If only you could read his thoughts, you'd know he's internally badmouthing everyone.

[@ravenel2]

I think I know the same covert, lol. Sooo nice and I needed someone nice in my life. You realize that the empathy and words are totally fake when the actions leave you gasping with the cruelty and indifference of them.

[@goldilocks3593]

Spend enough time around him and it will slip out. He will accidentally call someone a b*tch (because she wouldn’t play his game likely) and complain about some imaginary offense. Hopefully you will be long gone before then because that means he is starting to feel comfortable around you. Run!!!

[@dianevanderlinden3480]

@@goldilocks3593 I will bookmark this and keep you posted. Now that more knowledge is available I’m thinking these people have to evolve and up their game to get away with it.

[@goldilocks3593]

@@dianevanderlinden3480 maybe - but basically these dudes all follow the same play book. I had known this one (professionally) for a good ten years before that comment slipped out. Knowing what I know now (that he is a lying, cheating con artist) I am sure someone had squarely put him in his place and he was not too happy about it (and he was fishing for sympathy of course 🙄) …

[@gracegarce8026]

I like the term "cognitive empathy". It means very shallow and pretentious intent of being nice. Later on narcs will use it to one up you and place back the spotlight on to themselves.

[@lydiapetra1211]

So spot on!

[@jimmycoco6506]

Being smart enough to deeply understand the complexities of empathy and to really understand it. But not having any real empathy.

[@ladybaabaa3294]

They have cognitive empathy, that gives them a pretty high level understanding of why others behave, think and feel as they do. But they don't have much, or any, affective empathy which is why they simply don't care.

[@jimmycoco6506]

@@ladybaabaa3294 Blacksheep have you any wool?

[@ladybaabaa3294]

@@jimmycoco6506 Yes, I do. I am very wool-worthy. lol

[@vodkacannon]

I am a narcissist. I may have felt empathy once. It was amazing. I am currently in talk therapy. I have been called an abomination before. I have had people tell me to kill myself. I am still here and still trying to be a better human being. Thank you for helping me understand myself, Dr. C.

[@vodkacannon]

The “psychopathic” part is debatable. I don’t know if I’m that bad. My therapist says no.

[@as2223]

@@vodkacannon Jesus can heal you. He died for you and loves you unconditionally. Believe in Him in trust and in faith that He is the Son of God and died for our sins, then He rose from the dead! Seek repentance for your sin and ask Him to heal you. He has healed my hardened, calloused heart from being all messed up and it's beautiful. He truly loves us like no one else can. Once filled with the Holy Spirit He lives inside us as our helper. John 14:26

[@jackwilson5542]

I am a narcissist/dark empath too and so is nearly my whole family. (I don't intend to hurt people that matter to me though quite the opposite, so not malignant)

[@craigmerkey8518]

I "chatted" with my parent who has narcissistic traits a few days ago. They are master orchestrators. The entire time was spent talking about my brother in laws milestone birthday at a microbrewery... the drinking, the lack of food, the decor, the parts of the family who are "different than us". Seriously IDK why they ever leave the house is every experience and person is looked down upon from on high!

[@sparklesp9304]

Yep. It's sickening.

[@turtleanton6539]

That is exactly why

[@antihero1484]

I've always been a people pleaser. It's really embarrassing. It makes my brain hurt if I think about it, but I forgive myself. I've fallen for fake empathy time and time again through out my entire life. It hurts my brain if I hang on to it. (Learn from) and forget about all the things you should and shouldn't have done. Look at the things you have and make the best out of them. These types enjoy seeing you struggle. Show them up with success. These people are hurting inside, that's the only reason they want to get the best of people and make them hurt. ...don't ever let people get the best of you. Always look on the brightside of life.

[@sockpuppet2415]

People pleasing is a codependency behavior/strategy Fear of abandonment Fear of rejection Validation seeking due to emotional dysregulation and being raised by caregivers/ parents who were chronically invalidating ie chronically critical, rejecting. “Healing is intentional and a lot of work.”

[@sockpuppet2415]

It helped me to realize people with a lot of problems are incapable of helping me with mine, so I stopped investing in them.

[@loriallen9237]

Absolutely. Dwelling on it only serves to make you feel worse.

[@pbjt2396]

Sorry to hear, but hats off to you for recognizing it and forgiving yourself. Like the first reply to your comment accurately says- you are suffering from people pleasing due to your own insecurities which typically stem from those around you. Childhood neglect will do that to you for eg, or even worse- growing up with a narc parent or narc family members. I grew up with a narc mom and majority/all her family members are narcs too. I never knew until 2 months ago… and I’m incredibly emotionally intelligent, but also had a lot of love for my family so never really thought of their bad behavior as anything beyond jealousy or immaturity/insecurity. My point to you is that many of us have been in your shoes and have since had rude awakenings that helped us learn we are worthy of love from ourselves first and foremost. Healing is hard. Extremely difficult when you are being abused by a narc cuz ur too busy being infuriated by them and all the evil they manage to do against you. You need to focus on healthy ways to heal and learn to love yourself to healthy; learn to care about people but not at your expense; learn to have healthy boundaries so your cup is always full first, then you pour into others when you can. Boundaries also protect you from people like narcs.; learn that you can only fix yourself, never others as much as you may try, and personal change is the most powerful way to change the world…by being a walking, living, breathing example of what the world needs; and, learn that are in control of your life and you do NOT need to make every decision with others in mind. In fact, keep no one in mind but yourself. Are YOU satisfied? Are YOU happy? What do YOU want? Focus on you. Easier said than done, but it IS possible. Self care and self love with leave you beaming with self honor and self respect if you do it right, and having this as your focus with healthy, permanent boundaries will take you a far way in life and keep your peace. It will take you time to get there but all you have to do is take it day by day. Good luck my friend. ❤️🙏🏼

[@decoder3449]

Just described my brother 100 percent. I stood up to him, lost my mind and has triggered my PTSD. It's taken 3 years to heal. My whole family are narc. My mother is the Queen of narc. I swear they'd be happy if I was dead. These vampiric entities drain me empty.

[@jasonjones2329]

You're probably the scapegoat, the one they blame everything on. So they don't have to look at the ugly truth. They probably try everything to please the mom. Since you said she's the queen. It's a system, a dysfunctional family, and it's done to satisfy the system and keep status quo. So no, they don't wish you were dead, they want you to be there to put blame on you. They probably even love you, but they can't genuinely put it into practice. Family dynamics, especially ones as narcissistic dysfunctional ones never change.

[@xilunjiang2558]

run away man

[@keithstewart7514]

I agree & concur my dear friend of WHOM we can meet up on our candidacy for HEAVEN unite us!

[@lydiapetra1211]

May God heal you and help you....🙏

[@jenniferannfox2316]

Yesterday I had to go through some painful memories. Some journals, many of them I kept 25 years ago when I went through my first abusive marriage that was awful. I had children involved and we had to go to 4 years of therapy. Present spouse remains detached. I had to go through to clean up the basement and get rid of things to organize me a craft space. He remained detached. I was trying to let him know all I went through and had forgotten until I read my journals. I remember how determined I was to never let that happen to me again. Somehow it did twice. While I was in the basement reading through what I wrote it convicted me that I really never had a healthy relationship without a narcisist and always wanted a healthy relationship. Sometimes its hard for me to see through people and I end up in another relationship like this even though I tried so very hard and even went to therapy not to ever get in that place again.

[@detjaggillar8081]

I'm so sorry for You.

[@joywebster2678]

Yes the familiar patterns are initially comfortable, suck us in. I'm doing work on CPTSD in therapy to avoid getting snared by another narc.

[@detjaggillar8081]

@@joywebster2678 I think it's the best - to go in therapy to avoid to get snared into a new relationship with a narc, either it is with a partner or a friend.

[@chelleb3055]

Statistically speaking it will be hard to not find a narc, if you go by Dr. C's estimates of up to 80% of society is made up of them. So it's not your fault! Try rolling a 10 sided dice and see how many times you land on the 1 or the 2 versus all the other numbers. Those are your odds.

[@melianelson9036]

Your not alone; just understanding now the nightmare I lived for 33 yrs, just to realize the guy I started dating 4 yrs ago is the same kinda monster. It’s feels soo bewildering some days! I just want a partner in life.

[@tallguy8937]

I am not an empathetic person toward my family. I care how people feel, and that they are well, but not toward them. Seems it’s from 50 years of being treated that way? They’ve snuffed out almost all of my emotion. Can’t laugh, smile, cry, fear, or get any support or interest in anything from any of them. They don’t care. If I do show any emotion or vulnerability, I get insulted and told how stupid I am and gives them supply. I desperately want to be healthy and happy and I’m getting there slowly 😊😎

[@ClarityDetermination]

This, I think, can be very informative for subtle situations when "friends" or family use a heavily sympathetic approach and assumption that you are suffering. You feel the falseness and controling aspect of it. Because you are considerate and do not want to come off seeming ungrateful for their caring, you hesitate to call them on it. It's a trap. I tend to put my two lips together until they speak again.

[@maffasapantocrator8956]

I have been struggling with this. It's always strange having a problem that I couldn't articulate. It's hurts to hear "dealing with a narcissist" when I'm over here dealing with feeling narcissistic. This one cuts deep. Thank you for helping me find my peace!

[@kennethlapointesongwriter3330]

Finally, someone explained the term 'dark empath'. In other words it's not ACTUALLY empathy...it's pseudo or false or perverted 'empathy'. It's using a perversion of empathy for bad or harmful intentions. All done for manipulation and control. Funny I've seen some people bragging online they're a 'dark empath'. Like they were some villain superhero. Sheesh. Can some human beings be more pathetic lol.

[@gammalight1312]

"Dark Empathy" An understanding of emotional comfort strategically projected in cold calculation, lacking heart, depth and sincerity. An emotional facade, often displayed in sociopathic stealth as a strategy to obtain control over a specific situation by means of emotional manipulation, frequently combined with multifaceted methods of emotional barrage. Note: When you can't obtain level ground, are clearly distressed and clearly being used as a tool by the manipulator, Dark Empathy will become apparent. Note: Secure space away from the offender as soon as possible in a calm manner, then physically maintain space (lock doors, go somewhere) while utilizing "no contact" tactics until you're able to zero out before attempting contact. When offender rattles off after your sanity practice, clearly restate your boundaries. You don't owe them explanation for your sanity preserving strategy but it's important to reiterate your boundaries leading up to the disconnect. Fight the good fight. Rinse, lather, repeat.

[@crystalferguson7308]

We can tell that 18 narcissists are watching, judging by those 18 👎. Keep speaking the truth, Doc. 💯♥️

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Crystal! Dr. C

[@svharken6907]

The Control Pathway (real or imagined control) has an inverse relationship to the Anxiety Pathway in the brain. Narcissists learned early that Controling people animals events in their environment was a way to ease the extreme Anxiety they experienced, as a child in an unhealthy environment. Its just a temporary fix though and the Control sensation must be fueled constantly, and especially during challenging situations. This formula, control up = anxiety down... rules their lives and cannot be undone. Healthy ways that people learn to deal with anxious ness aren't as available to a child dealing with more extreme situations without help... and they don't develop Empathy as a result. Other people dont exist to them in the same way we understand, so they become the Only person in the world, a megalomaniac type person. Other people only exist to fuel the sensation of Control, as Pawns, Targets, and Henchmen who extend the gathering of that sensation of control out into the world.

[@chillaliesamilla]

😮🙏

[@mikediamond353]

Fascinating. I demand you question the doctor about this very subject; I've never even heard anything close!

[@svharken6907]

@@mikediamond353 I was in a room of therapists who were at a lecture given by an MIT scientist studying ghrelin and ptsd. She just casually mentioned these pathways and how they related to her research... and the entire room gasped, I kid you not. The only time I've experienced a real frisson.

[@risenshine7032]

Thank u for this insight. I think this is spot on...

[@anttoni8867]

Very interesting. Thank you for sharing this.

[@Jewels1573]

Nothing like coming on here to learn how to deal with the narcissist under my roof, only to have one troll me. I've never had that happen before on your channel, Dr. Carter. At any rate, thanks for this valuable information.

[@dontbelieveeverythingyouhe5599]

They pretend to care so that they can know your needs and vulnerable spots to use you

[@elanahammer1076]

Self care is listening to that voice your (for example) dad told you to listen to on your way.to pre-school. If that voice says that’s not safe or a safe person then go with your gut. I will be honest here and tell you that I have been revisiting my toddler self lately and those reminders are helpful.🤔🇺🇸❤️

[@shereadsshescries1457]

These are open friendly people who creep under your skin as if they are someone you have known for a long time, but not, thus creepy, these are the ones that make you already feel connected to them, like you knew them all your life, or at least years already, although you met them today! or a couple of weeks ago. They lean in like bill cosby on the kids, like a fun grandpa, too close and creepy because they are in fact a stranger. You open up to these people, with things you have told no one! Yup, the very day you meet them! Just KNOW what they are, and do not expect anything from them, they just creep on you like a longtime friend where the creepiness does not exist because you KNOW eachother, AND you know eachothers boundaries and DO NOT creep on eachother. There is a CALM in real relationships, no creepiness, no excitedness, just CALM. Beware of the over friendly new ones who act like your best friend.

[@naomiwest9622]

Yes 2 Timothy3:1-5 says they slyly work their self into our life's.

[@VictoriaWonders]

this is all so traumatic i watch these videos over and over again and the sadness of being robbed off my entire life (by my sister and mother) is intense. i respond to people like this with figh flight of freeze. I am so severely damaged. I just can cope with the feeling of being controlled and inned down while their blanket comes over me and operate me through their big sucking gaping hole into their void of nothingness. My chest feels empty and heavy at the same time.

[@VictoriaWonders]

today i just kick and scream to fight them off. acting like a madwoman. dancing and singing to my music feels like a sin in the presence of my new neighbour (also narc) I also just cant unsee them, they are almost everywhere...

[@roseinharlem8152]

This was exactly the beginning of my relationship.. before I married this person .. his mask fell off shortly after we met .. like 3 months .. I wish I never let those res flags blow over my head. By the time we were married and so many years later..if I had a nickel for every time this man said to me “I give don’t a F about your feelings” every time I tried to explain to him how hurtful he was being…. I’d be richer than Bezos and Musk put together ..

[@desertangelfish140]

Ouch, that is soul crushing to hear. 😭 So sorry you had to experience that. 💕

[@micheleshively8557]

You and me both!

[@georgianelson3588]

After trying to have my own family for years….After many many miscarriages, and 2 ectopic pregnancies, I was in (still am) a super dark place myself, My family had no empathy……I was told to “ get over it….you make too big of a deal about it, just get over it”. After my parents died, my older sister and brother stole, lied, cheated and manipulated me over our inheritance. The money matters little….I found out years later what they had done……No one in my family has spoken 1 word to me in 5 years……now that’s Dark Empathy……..

[@abbykendrick5748]

I am so sorry you had to go through that.

[@lindamcwilliams9056]

Georgia, sorry for what you have been through and is currently going through. Your family didn't take your inheritance because God is about to bless you in ways you could have never imagined. He knows your pain and he has heard your cries. You will be a mother and a good one. Keep praying and believing for what you are asking Him for. God bless!

[@tonjeknutsen1500]

Similar to my situation right now. Please protect your inner light no matter what, be your own light! There's still some good people out there, find good people for your very best life to come, my best wishes for you!

[@o3366]

I know how you feel. It is their loss.

[@ברכהה]

Sounds like my siblings. They stole my inheritance by smearing me to my mother and influencing her to give only them all power and control of her finances. I am still hurting and struggling. I hope we all overcome the aggression we were dealt with by our "family". I hope we survive, Live well and find happiness. No matter what others did. It's good to share these experiences. We are not alone.

[@2Tim1.6]

My narc shouts about how extraordinarily empathic she is as she destroys everyone around her. Real empaths don't do that.

[@jennifercarleton7550]

I love this, it's so true. They always hide information, but reveal enough to keep you on the hook. These people always keep secrets.

[@marinakruger6492]

Love yourself and be good to yourself. You know your worth and identity. We are all being betrayed by the Nephelim spirit roaming the realm around us. Like Dr C said... we as empaths and pure hearted individuals need to be very careful to whom we open our hearts. They will come in and crush it.. and boy oh boy... it hurts more than anything I can describe. Lots of love and light to all the special people watching this channel. You are worthy and appreciated ❤ Dak vs Light. We need to spread the love and light.... Protect your hearts. That is the only part they want and destroy. Because with a broken crushed heart you are unable to love, have a normal life and be your true self. That is their ultimate goal... to destroy as many good hearts as possible....

[@beckyharrt]

Thank you so much for this!!!

[@TheeyeOftruth-yx2np]

This was absolutely stupendous, Thank you so much for this DR Les, You're absolutely beautiful, Peace, love, Respect to you, Gus and everyone, Thank you universe 😊😘🌹👽💚🌝😃❤💛🌌🌈🐱🦄🐎😍💜🌚🐶🌷

[@gailwood3248]

Thanks again Dr. Les for the insights so well explained. The verse: "Wolves in sheep's clothing" comes to mind. Narcs can go the mile with you IF is serves their purpose for you in their lives, all self serving. It can make it confusing in identifying the bad relationship at first but at the saying goes, eventually the 'serpent's tail pop's out of the water' (possibly more than once!) and one should trust their gut on that evidence. Once you said on one of your segments - "ask yourself what are they bringing to the equation of your life?" If a person answers that honestly, and finds that strange individual is acting more in their best interest or more for their glory than anything else, or wishes to dominate, hurt or lord it over you in some way, and you have no worth in their estimation but only to be the one that is their patsy, it is a reality that then you should back off and stay in a healthier zone!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You get it, Gail. Dr. C

[@gailwood3248]

@@SurvivingNarcissism If I do its because of your lessons!

[@cruisemissle87]

Nothing can change the fact that I am a person of my own thoughts, capacity and judgement. But N-dad could never accept that and he feels threatened by it. I see it now, underneath the guise of being a material caretaker. Yet, it is solely his delusion to think that the more intimidation, pressuring, blaming and berating he throws at me will put me "in line". These types cannot really deal with people. It's all games about control and narcissist supply.

[@notgivingthisout6977]

One of the flags I wished I'd have been more attentive to was WHAT was praised during the love-bombing (in relation to this, specifically). The covert I dealt with has many convinced he's empathic, has made it a trademark of his mask, but as I think back, he also seemed a little too focused on that quality in me, openly commenting that he valued it, which was, in hindsight, more likely a grooming measure/cataloguing than a genuine compliment. It didn't become obvious until much later that his "empathy" functioned as if on a switch. My attempting to set a boundary seemed to be a kill switch for it, in fact.

[@barbaramarshall5271]

This the exact behaviour that was the final straw in breaking up my relationship with my mother. Her fury, rage, hate, lack of empathy, no love for me her, only daughter and child, manipulation of my daughter's into trying to destroy me and my family. I have no intention of seeing her again as I want her to remember what she did to create the situation that she walked out the door and was never invited back again.

[@softmaplegrace]

Can you please do a video on elderly narcissists and how much you should put up with, or how to deal with them? Thanks for all your videos! They're an immense amount of support.

[@madisonandthefarm]

The truth really hurts Doc, it is definitely time for a change…

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Keep leaning forward. Dr. C

[@svenial]

I love the way you explain everything and there are so many examples with my Ex popping in my head… I knew quickly how egocentric he was and he kept saying he cared about me. But he only cared as long as I functioned the way he wanted and he never cared about my feelings. Dark empathy is a dangerous thing - I think people without a conscience (or not knowing what’s right and wrong) are unpredictable

[@colleenjohnson9013]

Great information … I will never grow weary learning from your videos!

[@joeboxter3635]

Dr. C, you are really on top of things. I just heard about Dark Empathy and here you have a video that's almost a year back. Amazing how knowledgeable you are.

[@lynnlewis9938]

Love you, Dr. Carter. God bless you.

[@fitrunner1317]

This is so good! And makes sense now! The person , the narc that seemed to show empathy, interest in me, it’s really for themselves , self imposed empathy!! This brings such clarity! Thank you!

[@MrNikhilgherwar]

Stay safe Sandra

[@dontbelieveeverythingyouhe5599]

I noticed with my "friend" she never gave encouragement or inspirational words when I shared a struggle of mine. BUt boy- she could blow up my phone when she needed supply. I made excuses for that, but now my eyes are wide open.

[@Maustiffany]

The greatest lesson, let time show true character with actions and in conflict.

[@shereeholland172]

Thanks Dr. Les Carter... From Australia... I have learnt so much from your platform, as a Psychologist from downunder...

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Coming from a fellow psychologist, I am especially pleased for your comment. Thanks Sheree. Dr. C

[@supermike1172]

Thank you for all you do. Explanations really trip up narcissistic people. "Misunderstandings" abound, ask questions and trust your gut!!!

[@sarasol4677]

I've gone through what you are describing 💯. Dark empaths! So True! Thank you again

[@emchammer1815]

I'm a magnet to these types of people and it's scary

[@breakingpoint3893]

It's hard to trust people anymore.... so many times I've let my guard down, trusted the wrong people and let them in. I'm severely paying for those choices now.

[@marygaelen5678]

Your voice is therapeutic!

[@gazelle3635]

Even people who aren't narcissists show fake empathy. Thinking of a friend i had who would seem empathetic if I told her my problems but long story short, she was just being fake. It wasn't sincere. Experiences like this lead me to keep people at a distance. Most people don t truly care about you.

[@paulaoyedele2081]

I spent years in a quasi friendship, that seemed more and more like Information seeking encounters as time went on. I have another friend who often says the most atrocious things that seem cold and on purpose to cause pain. When I bring it to their attention and ask why....they act like they don't even remember saying it. It happened so often, I began wishing I had recorded it.

[@annawasterbyjara9527]

I am very greatful for your insight and balanced presentation on this. Is has helped me a lot. A narcicisist is not always a screaming bully. This video is explaining something extreamly important. Thank you Dr.!

[@ladennayoung2939]

This should be interesting.

[@catb445]

Find your peace ☮️, I absolutely love that, thank you❣️🤗🙏

[@martyvirtue4051]

What I did not realize is that there are people out there who say things like: I know you are not doing to well but know I will always be there for you. One could believe that is a nice thing to say but it is not. They want you to go into a defensive mode, saying I am doing fine!! More of this goes like: you look tired/ sick/ pale.... You must be sick, I will pray for you. Watch out for these phrases. Once you know, you know.

[@davidslocum9536]

One of your best videos Dr. C!!! If this advice is implemented, it will save many of us from troubles down the road. I have witnessed first-hand this cognitive (fake) empathy that you speak of. In the end, going with your gut always proves to be the right thing. Thanks so much. You're saving lives Doc!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks so much, David. Glad it hit home for you! Dr. C

[@madisonandthefarm]

Yes very much so!

[@Mmax389]

From what I read, sounds like an intuitive malignant narcissist.

[@detjaggillar8081]

I was in a 12 years relationship with a partner - he is Covert Narcissist. It's over now cause I left since autumn last year. Thank God! He played that game ... constantly. Then I have a neighbor (a female friend - I thought she was a friend) in 2 year - luring me constantly in the same way. This weekend I get enough so I quit our friendship. Well. I'm learning the whole time ... maybe I some day get rid of those crazy narc's around me! And I really mean that - not just I'm saying it cause I've seen it coming but I had my sunglasses on - too long. At least I have taken those of!

[@coachmark82]

Appreciate the accurate descriptions, it's very helpful to see a personality construct well articulated...awareness and knowledge make all the difference to those of us blindsided by the intentional deceit.

[@marinaudovcic4561]

Every if Dr. C's videos I listen, 3 times, and, than again ... it is part of my growing up process ...

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, (again) Marina. So pleased to join you in your growth process. Dr. C

[@dainismichel]

Goodness this info is horrifying. Chilling, really...

[@tobsternater]

Serious ideas by Dr. Les Carter here. 🤔 He just knows this work. So important in order to survive the people he's talking about.

[@Jim-zy3lf]

Thank You Doctor . The older I get 60+ now , I realize that what My Father and Especially my Big Brother told me about Being a caring , listening , helping Person ! Brother 9+ My age & my Mentor , people even close Family will use Me for their Advantage . I have ONE TRUE FRIEND to this day , We started Kindergarten Together. We're able to share Any Thought or trouble. I don't need to See the Eye's of his behind Chrome lenses ! I Trust him 100% . Only guy who ever shared a Apartment with Ever . I told my Dr. I feel like I was sitting on the Beach watching the Waves and Out of Nowhere a TSUNAMI Hit the Beach , I have been Swept away by the Dark Side of Nature and I did not Hear a Siren. I'm So injured recovery Is not possible . Thank God for the GREATEST GENERATION 🇺🇸🙏💖

[@finster1968]

My father emotionally abused my mother for over 20 years. When he bailed, he tore through several girlfriends before finding the right doormat to marry who was similar to my mother. I love my mom…but I have to be honest about who she is. A light bulb always goes off every time I watch one of these videos and remember my dad’s behaviors from years ago. For instance: My dad once dated two women at the same time after his first divorce. And both women knew it. He thought nothing of bringing one girlfriend skiing to a resort, when he knew the other girl would also be there. His excuse was that he made no commitment to either one. So he absolutely didn’t care. This is the sign of a true narcissist jerk with zero empathy or guilt. I cut him off five years ago and it felt really good. He’s currently on wife #3 and burned his bridges with just about everyone else.

[@sherrym6153]

I believed this for four years. Long lesson. I can never go back to this

[@Jessica-zf2df]

This explains my narcissistic ex perfectly. When my grandfather died he left money to my four siblings but not me. It was because we'd had a difference of opinion one time and I'd told him what I thought of him. Anyway when I found out about his will and being cut out I was upset (not because of the money, I didn't need it, but because I felt he must have hated me to do that). My then partner knew why I was upset yet he said that my siblings should do the decent thing and split their inheritance to include me and that if they didn't, then he wanted nothing more to do with them and they were not to ever come to our house again. I thought at the time that he was being supportive towards me but all it did was cause friction in my family. My ex got what he wanted which was to estrange me and my family but in a devious way that looked like he had my best interests at heart.

[@risenshine7032]

I totally get it, some of the manipulation is just bizarre

[@micheleshively8557]

So hurtful when they get our loved ones against us

[@chillaliesamilla]

Im out of this Manipulation and now the narc thinks she‘s high sensitive. When she told me my gut was like: 😲🙈 whuat, are u serious?! My signal to go away from her false self.

[@user-ql9ud8hf9p]

A brother made a comment ~ ' if people only knew that I have little interest in what others have to say!' Such a shallow narcissist.

[@TheSilentBobby]

This sounds fascinating . Hopefully I’ll catch it in time

[@joywebster2678]

It's just another term for fake caring like love bombing, future faking, lies

[@crystalferguson7308]

I think that there’s a narcissist pandemic that’s been going on for years. Thank God for us Empaths with all of the true love we give. That’s why narcissist attracts to us, because they want to suck all of the goodness out of us. Like taking a rose 🌹 and feeding it poison ☠️ and killing it slowly. 23yrs was long enough. My newer Narc needs to fade into my past. But it’s been hard to let go and idk why? I know I deserve better. SMH 🤦🏽‍♀️ Red flag #1 🚩 is definitely them blaming all of their exes as if they were all in the wrong and Nothing was their own fault. I thank God for this channel and the knowledge that it offers us to help find our peace by staying far away from someone with these traits and being mindful of the red flags. Having a Narc fall in love with you can be very dangerous.

[@bluestar.8938]

Thank you Dr C, all the best to you and Gus : )

[@JN-go2yq]

Thank you! The best talk!

[@GaryPotocki82]

Been there, done that , dealt with that never again.....Thank You for your Video's

[@astrialindah2773]

Well the good news is they will eventually give themselves away!. And when they do?... w a l k. ... away...

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yep! Dr. C

[@jhope9860]

👄thank you dr. c

[@georgeharris7448]

Thank you, Dr. Carter.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're welcome. Dr. C

[@hepzibahbeulah8961]

*“But if thine eye be evil, thy whole body shall be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness!” ~ Matthew 6:23.*

[@PatriziaViselliArtist]

So true...Thank you, Dr Carter🙂

[@teachersusan3730]

This is so sick. I know pple like that. So exhausting

[@nataliehelmig920]

I think you described at least one of my siblings here. I always now have the instinct to have my guard up around them. It’s taken many years to learn what they are and that I can’t trust them. I’m glad I found your videos that have helped me learn in plain English what they are.

[@joshua255860]

Sadly, you described my Mother. It's been challenging .