When a Declutterer Marries a Collector

[@poodlegirl55]

I've been married for 50 years and I think the secret is people need their own spaces. My husband pays no attention to the spare bedroom that is my art studio and I pay no attention to the spare garage that is his stuff. There is no need to concern myself with why he might buy fishing equipment when he already has a ton, he's a grown man, he'll figure it out. There is also such a stigma to couples having their own bedrooms when it means nothing about their relationship. If a woman likes a soft, poofy bed full of pillows with ruffly lampshades and curtains and he likes a firm gray bed with one blanket and a flat screen TV why shouldn't they both have it? Date nights are fun and getting a good nights sleep makes for pleasant people.

[@user-qq7uq8lh9o]

Good advice. Separate bathrooms or at least separate sinks helps. Unfortunately we have discovered that having a neat and organized garage is not a priority for either of us. The two cars go in fine but about half of the other stuff in there needs pitching, repair, cleaning or something. About once a year one of us will do a minimal effort.

[@khill6510]

I agree wholeheartedly. My husband and I have been married for 41 years. We have our own spaces (including bedrooms) and it works great for us. When we want intimacy, we know where to find each other.

[@poodlegirl55]

@@khill6510 Lol it's not that hard.

[@DenLD]

I agree, up to the point when one person’s spending on redundant things starts impacting the couple’s financial future.

[@poodlegirl55]

@@DenLD Yes, that would be hard. We are both frugal so never had to worry about that. They say money issues are the number one cause of divorce.

[@jeanwest1058]

The fact that you’ve been divorced twice gives you more credibility than you think, in my book. Great video with lots of good insights 💕

[@akontarini]

☺🙂

[@MoneyMindsetCoach3]

My bf and i do not live together, he saves everything and i like organized spaces where i know where everything is. His house is becoming a storage unit which i think i need to tell him how overwhelmed i feel in his house, like you said! Great video Tim👍🏻

[@marciahenry3893]

Tell him. He needs to hear it from you.

[@akontarini]

💚

[@kzZnAT0r]

Oh boy, time for a chat?

[@lauravasquez169]

I have decluttered our kitchen over 43 years being married. My husband doesn't care if i want to get rid of anything. I was so happy that he also wanted to keep our picnic basket from when we were first married. That makes me love him more. ❤

[@TheNewRetiredMe]

❤️

[@akontarini]

🥰

[@kzZnAT0r]

Sweet❤

[@kamidsjournee]

We are preparing to move from the farm (moved here at the end of 1999). We have soooo much to re-home. It’s not all clutter, but some of it is. The barn, a small garage, a huge shop and two houses. We already have a home we are moving into. I love how you are encouraging us to work together while decluttering and making it new to us both. It is a journey.

[@akontarini]

💚💛

[@kzZnAT0r]

😊😊

[@tracy8836]

Great advice! Being the organizer of the home, I tend to clear the decks and remove the clutter. One of your first videos helped to re-start the ball after I had seen people in videos who had gone so extreme that I nearly gave it all up! No I cannot live with 3 pairs of shoes! So thank you for staying rational about it all. I think I am a 'neatist'. I have places where I have more than a minimalist or even an essentialist; but it must be neat and organized and manageable. Hubs just retired and while I had basically decluttered the house, I did not do his spaces, but waited for his input. I was surprised that he was much more willing and happy to do so; he just gets lost in the process. So my offer to help was very well received and we just went to it. It took parts of two days; I would not push past about 3 hours where he became fatigued and lost interest. We have completed it all except the final Christmas declutter simply as it seems more timely for give away items as we near the fall season. Thanks for a year of inspiration and thoughtful advice.

[@gloriawoods9848]

How many pairs of shoes do you have?

[@tracy8836]

@@gloriawoods9848 More than I like to admit to. However, I fell off a ladder a couple of years ago and broke both my feet all up, among other things. Basically, I currently have to live in sneakers of a sort and have to rotate several times a day to a different brand depending on swelling and etc. Its been my trial.

[@akontarini]

💚

[@adh93]

As always, thank you so much for your clear and concise steps to a more harmonious house. My husband will retire at the end of this month and we will embark on a journey of going through household belongings that just need to be donated. I retired almost three years ago and have gone through a number of items that I deemed no longer necessary or wanted. It will now be my husband’s turn. I pray that all will go well and smoothly.😊

[@kzZnAT0r]

❤😊

[@terimcgibney4930]

Hi, I'm 10 seconds in to your video and you have said the most profound, true and helpful thing I have ever heard, "Marriage is navigating differences". I'm writing this down and telling my adult children and also my grandchildren as they grow up. Thanks! Now on to watching the rest of your video.

[@TheNewRetiredMe]

Thank you!

[@akontarini]

💚

[@mamabeartrue420]

I clicked immediately! I have a bf who is a major Hoarder. He has 6 storage buildings filled with his "stuff." I won't be able to live in constant clutter i just dont how to tell him i dont want to marry and share my home with basically useless stuff. He's not going to change, we're in our 60's lol also, hoarders care MORE anout their things than their loved ones. I refuse to be second place at this stage of life ❣️

[@brentk9520]

i had that same black light painting of the dogs playing poker back in the day. this is bringing back memories lol!

[@akontarini]

🤣

[@diangallo]

Now I know why I am so happy living by myself. I got to go now, and pick out 8 things to get rid of because today was Amazon Prime day…🥴

[@djb1164]

😆

[@akontarini]

😊🙃

[@kzZnAT0r]

😂😂😂

[@kathryngarcia8800]

Great communication advice! Mirroring your partner's feelings to make sure you understand correctly is so important. Works with children also.

[@akontarini]

💯

[@blujeans9462]

I must have a split personality. I do not like clutter and require simplicity in my home to feel at peace - but I am definitely a collector and someone who also requires special items from my past to remain. I could never digitize something and throw it away - and still feel complete. That thought is very traumatizing! :-). I recently moved, after living in a home for 40 years, and decided to start fresh. My solution to my personality dilemma: keep all things that mean so much to me, but just not put them out on display. Knowing they are within arms reach - if needed, even if I never see them again, is really all I need to feel complete. Sure, they take up some space in a closet - but you'd be amazed how much you can store in one of those large plastic totes (that stack nicely, and look organized - especially if you label what each tote contains for easy access - should the need to see them arise). For me, opening up your computer when you want to go down memory lane will never replace opening up a shoe box packed with cherished photos. The bonus: when your cherished memories are only looked at on occasion (as opposed to seeing them everyday) they become even more special.

[@akontarini]

💚💛

[@mamabeartrue420]

All long as you live alone, you're hoarding isn't bothering anyone and yes, you are a hoarder. No judgement but you described hoarding behavior.

[@kzZnAT0r]

❤😊😊

[@blujeans9462]

@@mamabeartrue420 You're entitled to your opinion.

[@mamabeartrue420]

@@blujeans9462 yeah, I've seen the show Hoarders. You do you.

[@slyborg1]

Great segment. Living in a wildfire area helps put what is really important in perspective. Every year we assemble our evacuation kits. Our two dogs, their carriers, their water and food bowls, and their food, is first. Next come our important personal papers and our computer. Under dire circumstances, that may be all we can grab in time. It helps to daily realize you may lose your home and everything in it. A second great teacher has been mice invasions in the small building we call our pantry/off-season closet/laundry. We do set Hav-a-Heart traps and release the captures far from the house, but constant vigilance is sometimes not enough. We can easily see how having too much stuff that has to be stored and not regularly used falls prey to mice. Then we say, “Well, I guess we don’t really need this chewed, frayed, mouse-damaged item after all.” Those beings we love are the only true treasures worth saving.

[@peggyparsons5003]

helpful mice. 🤣

[@akontarini]

🤭🤫🤔

[@poodlegirl55]

We had a big flood in the 90's. Anything that didn't have the mud cleaned off by day three was wrecked. Ever since, when I am going through stuff I ask myself would I clean mud off this?

[@MoneyMindsetCoach3]

I totally had forgotten about that decorating show! I loved watching it but would have never have wanted to do it myself!

[@akontarini]

💚

[@GoingGreenMom]

I never realized it, but my parents were mis-matched. Mom was a collector, Dad was more minimalist. I never knew until after Mom passed. Mom's side of the family all have hoarding tendencies. I spent years on the hoarding scale, and am probably still there on some points, but have found my way through lots of the clutter I was using to caccoon and deal with childhood trauma. I really hope that the rest of the family does not have hoarding tendencies due to trauma.

[@akontarini]

💚💛

[@kzZnAT0r]

❤😊

[@DenLD]

I’m divorced which impacts my opinion on this topic, but to me this is an area where people need to be on the same page before they get married. Someone who shops/collects/buys a lot (especially redundant items) can signal mental health issues and negatively impact the financial future of the couple.

[@akontarini]

😪

[@2000konnie]

Oh gosh, I remember some of those decorating shows. That was mental abuse. I even remember one show where the homes where the houses were redecorated by professional interior designers that went badly. I think the show producers did those on purpose to elicit drama. In one, the woman whose home was being redecorated made it know that she didn't want a certain color. So, of course, the interior decorator used the very color she said she didn't want, and she was rightfully unhappy. I forget how the show ended - if they fixed it or not - but it was infuriating. As you said, the main thing is for the person being affected to be listened to.

[@akontarini]

Mental abouse! spot on!

[@vickithornley5056]

You speak so well. Great advice. 🌻

[@akontarini]

🤗☺🙂

[@user-je2lp2iz7e]

I like empty surfaces and only what I need. My husband who I love dearly has40 cds that he has not played in the last 10 years. And a dresser top that has at least 25 items on it however after 56 years I’ve learned to let it go . ❤️

[@Kiki-wi7px]

I GET IT ! ! My Hubby is the Same Way NOT Wanting to "Get Rid" of ANYTHING. 😠 I Like Clean Surface's too !! If you Got Him a "Container" and Told Him it was "Special" just For HIS Cherished Item's, "Think" that may "Work" ? 🤔

[@user-je2lp2iz7e]

@@Kiki-wi7px I tried that now he has 25 items on his dresser and two baskets lol

[@Kiki-wi7px]

@@user-je2lp2iz7e OH, the MAIN Thing I Meant to Say was, if He Can S👀 ALL His Thing's Are Altogether, just "INSIDE" the Drawer. Some Men Have No . . . . Imagination. If YOU DO IT, then SHOW Him. Like In the TOP Drawer, so He Can Plainly S👀 it ALL and It Look's NICE. Tell Him You Did It JUST FOR HIM, YOU MADE A " SPECIAL " PLACE FOR HIS THING'S. I Would Tell Him also, You CAN'T Clean like You Like to. Good Luck ! ! After All, He Get's to Keep His Thing's/You Can Clean and You're BOTH H🙂PPY ! !

[@peggyparsons5003]

@@user-je2lp2iz7e haha

[@akontarini]

🤭🤫☺

[@hushingsilence]

Both my folks were collectors. It was a win-win for them (but not for me! lol 😳)

[@elizabetha2056]

I gave my collection of glass to the Salvation Army. I'm headed home (Heaven) I was thrilled my kids wouldn't have to get rid of it :o) my husband just collects junk-kids will get a dumpster for his stuff ;o)

[@Kiki-wi7px]

​@@elizabetha2056 L💜VED YOUR COMMENT ! ! ! 👍🏻 😃

[@elizabetha2056]

@@Kiki-wi7px 🤓❤

[@akontarini]

💚

[@2230Pcvines]

Loved this, after being married for 50 years, husband is now with the Lord, my husband was a collector, I am a minimalist lol, we made it work, and now I am challenged by decluttering. I learned early on to store his many collections in china cabinets wall cabinets while keeping our home free of collectables all over. He enjoyed seeing all his things displayed and I enjoyed a clutter appearing decor, it worked for us.

[@Savannah-ed4rv]

I watch your videos and other minimalist channels because I'm a wannabe! I'm also a widow and my husband and I were pretty similar and wanting to have certain things but we also felt like we shouldn't spend enormous amounts of money on ourselves. One thing is for sure, that unless I were married to a hoarder or someone who spent us into bankruptcy, I would not let differing opinions on clutter or minimalism interfere with my relationship with my spouse. It's not worth destroying an otherwise good relationship because you don't want any pillows on your couch! 😅

[@akontarini]

so true

[@marycarrington-tq2pz]

I am so proud of myself. Found a set of hand carved hardwood chairs at a garage sale that I've only seen in antique journals. The seller gave me a fair price, and I walked away! Progress. To marry well, you would do well to marry a close friend with similar beliefs and goals. Also, respect respect respect. As I age, peace is very important. Your suggestions are helpful. I live with two pups, who enjoy a liveable home.

[@akontarini]

💚

[@annsalty5615]

My husband was closer to living minimally when we dated and first got married. But it was not minimalism. It was being cheap. But once he got bigger paychecks the cheapness completely flipped and he had a buying stuff addiction.

[@sct4040]

It’s from feeling deprived. I went through that too. After years of not having much growing up, once I had a job I went crazy. It lasted decades until my retirement years.

[@annsalty5615]

@@sct4040 I had very few belongings but did not feel deprived. I do not think my husband felt that either. We are more a product of having too many things available to buy that we probably do not need. It is the 'money burning in your pocket' problem. Some people just gotta spend it.

[@akontarini]

💚

[@aileentoomey9627]

Thanks for making me smile! Decluttering is a journey. Sometimes you just need to ask your best friend for good advice and another perspective. 😊

[@akontarini]

💚

[@donnaerickson3059]

Great tips. I am single and I slowly began to declutter as I made more moves. Then I learned of minimalism on social media. It’s been great for me.

[@AngelaDavis-yz3xf]

Sound advice. Thank you 😊

[@akontarini]

💚💛

[@LittleQueenie64]

You made some great points. I learned that my husband and I have different mindsets for declutterring and organizing. This has helped me learn patience as well, since I am the OCD one! I have gotten better about putting things back where they go, refolding towels and other minor things instead of getting upset and saying something to him. I know my way is not always the right way. 😊

[@k26kv31]

Great Advice. We have been together for almost 35 years and made it work with many of the tips you talked about in your video. Not to say we didn't have a few rough patches but that is to be expected. We are two separate individuals that enjoy each other, we do our own things at times, come together to work on things at times and we compromise on some things. Thank You for sharing your insights with us.

[@peggyparsons5003]

Sounds like a lovely relationship

[@akontarini]

💚💛

[@user-qq7uq8lh9o]

Good stuff. Very anti eating anywhere but the kitchen or dining room table, for several reasons. Carole

[@akontarini]

💚💛

[@PhilThach]

Great talk, Tim! This is a really tough subject and you handled it well.

[@TheNewRetiredMe]

Thanks!

[@Mrs.G-Claus]

Excellent reminders.

[@akontarini]

🥰

[@debrajones7349]

Part of my problem is I like a clean, clear organized space but value family collections and memories. I’ve been accused of being an organized hoarder. 🤪 The struggle is real.

[@akontarini]

🤗🤪🙂

[@colettenewell4634]

I know this isn’t the reaction you are trying for but i had to laugh. My husband hates change and wants me to stop “ wanting to get rid of stuff” even though it’s stuff we never use. I do what i can in small bits. But what you said is a great message and would help improve relationships

[@akontarini]

💚

[@valerierandall3640]

Excellent talk about this topic. My husband and myself are attached to “things” and both have trouble letting go - items (big and small) from our parents/children. Like you , I think the answers lie in communicating openly, willingly and patiently but one of us will have to take the lead to delve into the necessary hard talks that we both tend to sidestep. Personally, I make good progress in spurts, then when he doesn’t catch on through osmosis I give up for awhile. Don’t…be…me!

[@akontarini]

💚💛

[@noreenn6976]

Great advice!

[@akontarini]

☺☺☺

[@lucindawilson5510]

thank you

[@akontarini]

☺☺☺

[@carolgrund4802]

This video has been so helpful to me. Thank you!

[@akontarini]

🤗☺

[@cutymiro4659]

good advice.

[@MrsHalf]

My husband was a collector. When he passed away, in the midst of my grief, I felt angry that he had left me all that stuff to deal with at a time in which I was putting the pieces of my life back together. If you're decluttering with your collector spouse (or parent), when they say they want to keep something, ask, "and then what?" Where does this item go after it sits in a box in the closet or garage? Can it go there now, such as passing heirlooms to children or grandchildren or selling collectibles with value. Can we go through memorabilia with family members to tell the stories and then dispose of it?

[@akontarini]

💚

[@shareenstone6673]

Great advise!

[@charlotteryner6583]

Glad I'm single. Downsizing is hard enough on my own. I can't imagine trying to work with someone else. But your advice seems sound for couples. 😊

[@akontarini]

💚💚

[@heatherburch7697]

Having just cleaned out my Mothers home I suggest if you have children who will have to deal with your estate, please live by one thing in two things out after 60 or so. That way you will slowly downsize.

[@akontarini]

💚💛

[@tracybishop7792]

Thank you

[@akontarini]

☺🙂☺

[@rgdodson]

Oh boy, I'm not sure what to say about the message in this video as it relates to my situation. Let me say this: My spouse is totally committed to "conservation." And my entire adult and professional life was dedicated to conservation and environmental education. But, the majority of the clutter in our home holds ZERO memories. Conservatively, I would say that 90+ percent of the "stuff" around our house is comprised of empty boxes of one sort or another...you never know when you might need an empty box. LOL. We have a 2-car attached garage and a 1.5-car detached garage. There has never been a vehicle in either of them. They are literally full of empty boxes. I actually may have enabled this because when I retired, I started selling "stuff" on eBay, and of course, I needed boxes to ship things in. Boy...do we have boxes! While I have always promoted recycling, I have attempted to explain that recycling actually means that we should take recyclable materials to a recycling center, not just store items in our garage under the banner of reducing waste. The second thing that "we" seem to do is take positive action to clean up this or that room. Still, we do so by organizing (and I mean organizing) piles of saved paper and then neatly putting them into one of our saved boxes, and then stacking the boxes neatly in another location in the house. OK...I'm done. Such is life. LOL

[@akontarini]

💚💛

[@PamHaynes-oo3ck]

Good video Tim, thank you.

[@akontarini]

🤗🙂

[@CasualHoarder-ny9sd]

I’m a collector that likes my collection organized I can’t stand clutter. My wife is a collector and a clutterer and we certainly enable each other.

[@akontarini]

🤫🤭🤗

[@rebekahpowers1595]

SHOW ME THE DECLUTTERING!!!!! I NEED MY FIX!!

[@Kiki-wi7px]

ME TOO ! ! !

[@akontarini]

😅😅😅

[@rebekahpowers1595]

@@Kiki-wi7px😂😂😂❤❤

[@pinkroses135]

I believe it's a physical manifestation of some internal principles. I would get into the nitty gritty of their values. A lot of people do not clarify them when seeking a spouse and the minimalists have a list for them so if you lay them all out you can figure out the big picture and some compromises. Some people aren't consciously aware of theirs and I think that compounds things. My two cents.

[@akontarini]

💚💛

[@BrittCHelmsSr]

You're referring to the old "Trading Spaces" TV show. We loved the show, but out of fear that Hildi might get our house and cover every wall in the designated space with silk flowers stapled or glued to every available nook and cranny, we never applied to participate. I inherited my home - the one that I grew up in - from my parents. I've been in this house 56 years now, and I have collected a bunch of stuff over that time. I do try to declutter on a regular basis, but God bless those that I leave behind....

[@TheNewRetiredMe]

That’s it! Thank you.

[@akontarini]

😅😅😅

[@CynthiaMiller-cc3qj]

I remember Hilde. She had terrible taste!!!

[@Kiki-wi7px]

DECLUTTERING IS DEFINITELY A CHALLENGE to Say the Least. I will NOT . . . "Go Along" just to Get Along. GOTTA' BE " True to SELF." A-l-l of this is Especially Hard when "1" of you Isn't INTO it anyway. "Trying" to Get Them to the Place of even "Doing" I-T Isn't Easy. If They C-o-u-l-d just RELAX, Have an O-P-E-N MIND when you're Discussing Thing's Nobody would BE "Stressed" or Start to " Boil " Inside & It'd G-o More Smoothly. Sometime's . . . . Their Mind is Made-Up and will Not even " Listen " to a Thing Ya' Have to Say. So Much for Trying to Compromise. If They "Listen" it's Only to Appease You, but ..... Won't " Budge" or even "Try" to "Understand."😬" (Frustration) Had to "Crack-Up"..... (No Way In HELL) in the Example.😃 Then, IF You're Married To a J-E-R-K. (Man or Woman) I Lost It !! 😃

[@akontarini]

💚💛

[@suzanne296]

As a single gal I am a work in progress with declutter.

[@akontarini]

💚💛

[@kennethbailey9853]

Help !!!😮

[@akontarini]

💚💚

[@girlnpointer2741]

I was forced to watch a 10 minute Apple commercial with no option to skip. It's one thing if it's a 3 minute commercial with no option to skip, but this was 10 minutes!!!! Is this a new thing with KZbin? Just wondering. I really wanted to watch the actual declutter video, so I suffered through the Apple commercial (annoyed), which only confirmed my continued commitment to only using Android phones.

[@TheNewRetiredMe]

I am SO sorry! I have no control whatsoever on whether ads are skippable or not. But I’ve never personally encountered one that long that was not. Here’s a tip for the future (it certainly doesn’t help now, I know!). If you ever encounter that on ANY video, click off the video. Then start it again. YT will play a totally different ad. Again, I’m so very sorry!

[@akontarini]

sorry...just ignore

[@cindyweeks]

What if your half the collector and the minimalist with a hubby who’s more of a pack rat 😮 he has the basement to do as he wants but our bedroom is a mess as he sleeps there I moved into a small bedroom due to surgery and being sick

[@akontarini]

💚💚

[@djb1164]

Trading Spaces

[@aileentoomey9627]

Yes, I remember that show. I stopped watching it when cardboard from boxes 📦 was used to wallpaper a room. It was so disrespectful to the homeowner. 😢

[@akontarini]

ok...

[@watchout694]

O.m g. Too frickin preachy! Yes, I know that's your background but if that's what you're going towards...uhhh,uhhhh. No .for that reason...I'm out😒

[@TheNewRetiredMe]

Thanks for watching.