When does LOYALTY become SELF-HARM?

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[@youngblood8540]

The saddest thing about betrayal, is that it never comes from your enemy.

[@BelleSouthUs]

RIGHT !!!

[@Atheistbatman]

That’s the most profound thing I’ve heard in a while…maybe that’s why I have so many?

[@user-mp7le7ce8n]

❤

[@bumblebee_ms]

@youngblood8540 - You just blew my mind!!!

[@phyllisgruber5097]

3:07

[@vacationeyes6430]

Loyalty works both ways. You are NOT required to be loyal to someone who isn't loyal to you.

[@db44491]

Well said, you are so right..

[@bumblebee_ms]

@vacationeyes6430 - Took me almost 5 decades to learn that.

[@l.5832]

True

[@SweetChicagoGator]

Loyalty to an abuser is the package of, "Fear of abandonment." That is another story !

[@AlanChambers]

"Narcissism flourishes when silence is reinforced." Incredible quote. That's tweetable.

[@patriciahboston3547]

which could be why my son's malignant narcissist partner has forbidden he have contact with his friends and especially, his mom and oh, yes, it works

[@jessicaselenecenteno]

YES. 💯

[@rosiereal]

My mother died in 2017. When I tell people about her narcissism, I still feel a hint of the 6-year-old who's going to get in trouble for triggering her.

[@rosemaryclarke2348]

Tell her it's ok and that they were the bad ones. That 6 year old did nothing wrong!! If it helps when I feel like that I play TV shows that I loved when I was seven, it takes me back and I realise that no one will be moaning at me any more.

[@borishudej691]

❤‍🩹💖

[@ardent9422]

In my narcissistic family the messages are "we can do whatever we want, and if it bothers you, too bad just deal with it." and "When we wants something from you we're family, when you want something from us, we're doing business."

[@tsuba666]

"When we wants something from you we're family, when you want something from us, we're doing business." Yep. That's totally it.

[@meiraaz]

Exactly. That's what happened to me.

[@CelestialHunter1270]

Or when you need something from them "You're an adult, you can do for yourself"

[@ellanina801]

Omg exactly. I scrubbed my hands raw, literally, to “help” keep the family business afloat… yet, my dad always said, “we won’t help you with anything.”

[@TR-nv3if]

Yep, that's exactly them

[@sushmayen]

People who they are supposed to protect, they don't hesitate before throwing them under the bus.

[@kayamen2021]

Facts

[@Greenleaves-pf2xn]

Exactly

[@InfernoKanji]

Painful truths

[@gregpendrey6711]

Every damn time. Give them no access. Firewall, update, repeat.😢

[@bumblebee_ms]

Isn't it ironic that society LETS them get away with it.

[@mfar3016]

Loyalty is an admirable trait, however the key, which took me years to learn, is being loyal to the right people. Finding the ones who are worth your loyalty is a treasure.

[@bumblebee_ms]

Exactly. I am loyal to myself and no one else these days, been burnt way too much to trust anyone else.

[@Healtogethealthy]

Loyalty kept me chained to my narcissistic mother for 54 years. On the death of my father I could stand no more of her and I went no contact. She has contacted my friends and colleagues with her lies and venom about me but I’ve thrown my loyalty to her in the bin and taken my life back. Thank-you for being a lifeline to me Dr. Ramani.

[@tundrawomansays694]

Congratulations on your wisdom that led you to the Promised Land of Freedom!

[@peachesandpoets]

Did you go a goodbye letter? I'm 37 and I've had enough

[@Healtogethealthy]

@@peachesandpoets I ended up having to call the police to protect me and my family. I wish you well, you only get one life x

[@amandaa3713]

​​@@peachesandpoets I did not have a narc mother but having a much much older narc sister, from whom I did escape from *miraculously* in my formative years, I cannot imagine what you went through. Run to the hill, my dear.

[@lilfairycupcake]

the only cure is distance, total elimination from your life.

[@aynilaa]

As you said, my narcissistically abusive family expects me to endure everything and never speak up because that's "loyalty". But I'm not having it.

[@bumblebee_ms]

Me neither.

[@leilagomulka5690]

That’s why I love the word “ faithful “ better than loyal. Faithful is you are with the person but will confront wrongdoing and even go against them.

[@rosemaryclarke2348]

Good word!🥳🥳

[@NarcSurvivor]

When you know who and what they are and you still choose to stay, it will begin to affect your self-esteem. You cannot feel confident when you are around narcissists. It triggers their insecurities. It makes them feel like nothing in comparison to you.

[@jds0981]

"You cannot feel confident when you are around narcissists" truly resonates. As a child, the unspoken rule was not to outshine my over-achieving narcissistic mother, but to shine just enough not to embarrass her.

[@10Hags5]

​@@jds0981she was literally overachieving or it's what she imposed on you?

[@jds0981]

@@10Hags5 Literally over-achieving. She had an entire wall in her home office full of degrees and awards.

[@doristorresphd]

Loyalty in my marriage has meant increasing loneliness and isolation from the outside world.

[@shinykazzadragon]

My mother-in-law (1st marriage) said to me, "There has never been divorce in our family until YOU came along. Well, except for Auntie Judy, and she's adopted, so that doesn't count." Because I divorced her son - the narcissistic abuser - after 7 years of marriage. BUT, when the abuser's younger sister divorced her abusive spouse, it was 'a good thing, and right to do.'

[@Emily-cv4cp]

The weaponisation of loyalty is a HUGE red flag 🚩🚩🚩

[@VintageQuirky-ql4hc]

Loyalty is a lie in the mouth of a narcissist. They have no intention of having your back , they just want you to cover theirs. I think it was one of the hardest lessons I ever learned. But it is such a joy now to have loyal friends and a loyal mate. People who understand it goes both ways.

[@sazu9953]

The most disturbing thing after being abusive to every single spouse or girlfriend in the family of my malignant ex, is that everybody had to be loyal to them, but they could mistreat and discard anybody as they pleased. If you are out of their sacred circle, you have no right to exist. I've never felt more privileged than NOT being part of that horrible family.

[@JamesNGames]

When it comes to being loyal to someone who displays narcissistic tendencies, it can be harmful to ourselves. Loyalty is usually seen as a positive trait, but when directed towards a narcissist, it can become a one-sided and damaging dynamic. Narcissists exploit loyalty to fulfill their own needs, without reciprocating the same level of loyalty. This can lead to manipulation, emotional abuse, and hinder our personal growth. It's important to prioritize self-care, set boundaries, and surround ourselves with healthy relationships that encourage mutual respect.

[@penne999]

man this was good !! thank you Dr. R ❤

[@survivor2530]

One of my core values is loyalty but being loyal to my narc partner (now ex) caused me & our kids a great deal of harm which I will always regret. Whilst he never showed us any loyalty. I didn't realise until too late he was constantly bad mouthing me to his family & friends & trying to turn me against my own kids. I was expected to put him first even before our kids whilst he had affairs with men. The worst kind of disloyalty.

[@jessicaselenecenteno]

YES. 💯

[@jokendrick2124]

I am loyal to a fault. But loyalty only serves us well until tolerating narcissistic toxicity becomes hazardous to our well being. I always say something is wrong with me if I continue to put myself in the line of fire. So I have removed myself. Wasn't easy, but I removed myself from the line of fire once I realized it had to be done for self preservation.

[@rosemaryclarke2348]

WELL DONE YOU!!

[@idkwhodos2840]

The clue is in the expression 'loyal TO A FAULT'. We need to be loyal to the right person/organisation.

[@nickibleigh]

We must stay loyal and have their back while they were stabbing us in ours.

[@youngblood8540]

Loyalty, Trust, Respect. Fu@k up one and you'll lose all three.

[@jds0981]

My sense of loyalty has kept me in situations far longer than necessary. Sometimes, I confuse loyalty with responsibility. As a child, my sense of responsibility was weaponized. I was taught, "You made your bed, now lie in it," and "You should have thought about X in the beginning before you made that decision," Consequently, it's tough for me to change my mind and leave horrible situations.

[@rosemaryclarke2348]

Look after you now! Go out into the world and realise you are now free!❤️❤️

[@k.h.307]

My now ex BFF was a big fan of "you should have thought about that before..." I've been screwed over my entire life. I'm in my 40s with NO solid friends or family. I'm looking to move with my son and tell no one where we are and just start new.

[@borishudej691]

@@k.h.307 I wish you good luck!

[@cheliyanplastic3529]

I am a plastic surgeon with 4 kids suffering from nasistic wife 13yrs.I am from Srilanka. Your channel gives me some hope to come out from abuse. Thanks

[@crystalmiller4463]

Your children are lucky to have you as their dad. I wish my father would have known what my mother really was. Show your kids the unconditional love they deserve! May your family be blessed in every way❤

[@magugayonela8978]

"Loyalty is something to be earned, to be loyal to an Abuser that's not Loyalty its FEAR, its COERCION its TRAUMA-BONDING not Loyalty" 😮😢 . I felt that. 11:27

[@ChickenStamps]

For years I said I would not end my marriage unless I was I physical danger. I was loyal and willing to accept the consequences. Even after I took my own life (7 days in ICU brought me back) I still remained loyal because he wasn’t physically harming me. It took three months of IOP for me to realize I would continue to physically abuse myself unless I ended my marriage. He didn’t do the physical harm; I was harming myself and would continue in that relationship. I had to break my loyalty to save my life. I’ve been out of that house for 14 months and I am just now starting to stop the loyalty to him. 33 years of marriage has created a mindset that is more difficult to change than I expected.

[@MichaelBroder]

To paraphrase Fiddler on the Roof, May God bless you and keep you far away from him!

[@doristorresphd]

Good for you for making that change. It will take years, but you’re on the right track. You’re not alone in this. 💕💕

[@grammyspa-jammies1737]

Same here. I am separated from him but have to live in a dwelling still on the same property. Living in fear of confrontation and praying this day for my God to save me from myself.

[@rosemaryclarke2348]

What we don't realise is that they keep gradually moving the fences so that you accept more and more abuse of every kind; now you have to take a good hard look at those fences and where they are, who are they now protecting? If it's not you MOVE THEM BACK! GOOD LUCK!!❤️❤️

[@joibro613]

You are so very blessed …..:: you got this❤❤❤ Your story is so motivating, you have no idea

[@dianaschramer5065]

This message is so timely for me, Dr. Ramani. "Loyalty HAS to be a two-way street." Thank you so much.

[@4Rascals321]

It just dawned on me why I have this self defeating behavior. Why do so many people "shoot themselves in the foot?" It's because of a parent's abusive narcissistic behavior to their child. It's not natural to self defeat yourself. My mother taught me to do this. Once again, I am so angry, as a child I had nothing to fight back with. As an adult, I am angry for wasting my life, by agreeing with her all the time. I felt sorry for her. No one believed her....but she never told me about her psychology sessions. She was the narcissist, and to be avoided at all costs.

[@SallyKlee]

This was perfect timing today!! Exactly the validation I needed "loyalty is not masochism" ❤ And yes, I grew up putting up and shutting up or... narcissistic rage if I spoke up (which wasn't very often but there were times, when I just couldn't shut up). Looking forward to your new Book! I can't pre-order right now but I'll get it as soon as I can. Thanks for your work and dedication! You are helping so many people! Bless you ❤

[@timorthelame1]

It never ceases to amaze me how narcs can spend a lifetime sabotaging and betraying you and while at the same time demanding your loyalty.

[@estikta]

Even the title is a lesson - thank you for putting that out there like this (hoping some family get to see this). And the person "telling the truth" is often referred to as "crazy", "thief", "liar" because of course they have to be put in a box somehow to explain why there is "betrayal".

[@LiveFaustDieJung]

Comes from being mother to my mother. I miss her, but she was quite toxic. As much as I hate to shit talk the dead. I’m tired of pretending it was ok. I held her and was like an emotional support dog to her while she threatens and attempted to end her life in front of my face. Then when I cried it was down played and what are you crying about? When my uncle ended his life she asked me why I was so broke up about it. “You didn’t even know him that well” 🙃 Wow! Thanks Mom. She could be so light and sooo sooo dark. I live in sheer panic. One cannot go on like this. Thank you.

[@kevincannon795]

Yea being loyal to my ex and her son caused me so much emotional turmoil. Instead of being a strong family unit she decided to make the dudes she would be texting on her phone feel more important than me and I was sick of it. I gave her three chances to cut that crap out and she didn’t. So I left and of course she played the victim like she wasn’t torturing me. Don’t date people who are addicted to social media. If someone is looking at their phone while you are having a serious conversation just leave. They’re not saying it verbally but they are communicating that whatever crap they’re looking at on their phone is more important than your stupid feelings. Or your loyal to someone who goes to a concert with you. Shows no interest in actually interacting with their partner instead they’re texting another dude looking for them and then is so enthusiastic when she sees him it’s like okay I guess I’m just a piece of garbage. Got it. I can not stand toxic people.

[@lucille-1413]

Thank you for your videos. My loyalty gave me breast cancer. Please keep warning of how harmful narcissistic relationships are.

[@deniseclaeys8295]

Same here.

[@gia_maniconti]

I got breast cancer too under the stress and then breakup of a narcissistic relationship that was immediately followed by separation abuse. We’re not the only ones. I know of others. I wish some research would be done around this. It can’t just be a coincidence.

[@mday3821]

I grew up in a family that made it clear 1) What happens in the family stays in the family & 2) Children are seen not heard. I stayed in my toxic family until the very end & I'm paying the price. I was too loyal.

[@masquarra]

Narcissists always demand to be able to abuse in peace

[@theweb19701974]

My daughter is very narcissistic and has weaponized my grand children to hurt me because I told her I could not give her $3000 a month anymore. I was homeless and working and still giving everything of me to my daughter. There was never enough. I am an over the road trucker and she figured I had nothing better to do with my money. This is a nightmare.

[@SuperGoofygranny]

That’s horrible. Your daughter doesn’t care about her children if she is alienating them from you and trying to turn them against you by telling them lies about you. They know you’re their grandfather and for them to think badly about you for unjust cause will create an inferiority complex in your grandchildren, they will develop low self esteem and the residual effects will last a lifetime. Your grandchildren need to talk with a therapist who understands Parental Alienation Syndrome. If it were me, I would make sure that your daughter isn’t spending the money on some kind of substance abuse or giving it to a man to keep him as a boyfriend. Do everything you can to make sure your grandchildren are being treated right because your daughter sounds like she has little or no ethics, integrity or morals.

[@rosemaryclarke2348]

Try doing something hard and unusual and think of yourself.❤️❤️

[@lilfairycupcake]

she sounds like a 1st class act. best to kick that mess to the curb, permanently.

[@stingylizard]

Same exact scenario w my dad and sister. His extra loads cover her electric bills. Her "thank you" is to smear and lie against him,even after he has passed. Hang tuff....Cut her off,you are funding destructive behaviour.

[@ginafarley6190]

Eventually the grandkids will find out that she was using money coercion tactics. Glad you cut off the $$

[@MinferTransmission]

This woman deserves a long, healthy and happy life for the number of people she brought back to life, pulling them out of the vortex of suffering. She is one of those people to whom I will be eternally grateful for her help. She brought me back to life.

[@brendaplunkett8659]

Totally agree.

[@enriquemora9272]

A powerful ray of light in the dark of the night. For me that's what you are Dr. Ramani. Having myself a father with mental issues, I learnt Loyalty from my mom and made it a core value. I've been stuck in a relationship with somebody with NPD for a long time. But the first person I got to be loyal to is myself. Thank you dear doctor.

[@rosebeachy9302]

There is no loyalty from narcissists...the one I dealt with thought he could lie, cheat and return 5 years later and I'd be loyally waiting. That's what loyalty means to them.

[@cindyhoenig6752]

My mom used those exact words so many times: "If you go and visit with your aunts and grandpa, you're being disloyal to me. You're betraying me." If I ever saw my dad's family, I had to be sure my 'disloyalty' never leaked out. Following my mom's rules from my childhood until after she died kept me fearful of contact with them for over 30 years. I lost all that time and didn't even know how wonderful my aunts were until 10 years ago. Now every moment I can spend with them is a treasure, and I grieve the years lost.

[@martinst7778]

I like Dr Ramani’s idea of deciding to not care less what happens to the narc.

[@madeleine7]

Thank you so mucvh! !00%, in agreement and I ended up putting my life and well-being in danger because of excessive Loyalty when the other side had NONE towards me!

[@ZLLi661]

This is spot on with the family I grew up with.🤮. When the abusers think they can start targeting your own family members coz they got away with abusing you growing up - not only is that truly effed up, but it’s time now for ‘no further contact’ to be instigated permanently. Loyalty is moot.

[@privateprivate8366]

I think that one of the reasons I was able to cut ties with my family, is because, although I’ve always been empathetic, I’ve also always questioned authority, even when I feared it and even when I kept my opinions to myself. I’ve always understood that most things are within a context and in narcissistic environments (even before I knew and understood the word), I simply didn’t have the reverence for authority, that causes blind loyalty. The reality though, is that it’s possible, because I didn’t grow up in a religious home.

[@l.5832]

I realize now I have to go back in to therapy. Five years ago I fled a narc husband so I could not pay as much attention as I should have about what was happening in the care of my elderly mother and narc sister who lived with her. There was a lot going on I did not understand and out of LOYALTY to my sister I believed her when she said my mother kept falling. The hospital phoned me. Social workers were brought in, but I BELIEVED my sister. Re-reading diary entries regarding the injuries and what the hospital reported, I am now convinced my sister was beating my mother, who died 2 years ago. I am devastated. I have no absolute proof and can do nothing with my suspicions. I was already dealing with fleeing one narc and let another one slip past. I truly feel sick.

[@rosemaryclarke2348]

All you can do is walk away. It sounds awful but that's the only thing you can do for your own sanity.❤️❤️

[@bettyboop7738]

When you do the best you could at the time , please try to let go of guilt and remorse...God knows the truth and heals all things..He gives the peace that surpasses all understanding ❤️

[@r.d.kapproved1829]

@@bettyboop7738 Perfectly said! God bless

[@dandoneral5405]

I doubt that your sister was beating her. For more than the last year that my mother lived primarily alone, people were reporting to me that she was falling while taking outdoor walks. My sister was also reporting that she was falling occasionally in her residence. Later, when she lived in a retirement home, the home also reported that she was falling. This is what happens to some elderly people several years before their death.

[@l.5832]

@@dandoneral5405 Her injuries were bruising around the eyes and upper face. Despite having osteoporosis she had no wrist/arm fractures or hip fractures. Her injuries were inconsistent with falling. The ER nurse and ambulance attendant noted inconsistencies with my sister's account compared to how my mother presented. In hospital, my sister would not let me speak privately to my mother. When I later mentioned 'the fall' to my mother, she talked about another fall that happened years earlier and didn't understand that she was supposed to have had recently fallen.

[@MichaelBroder]

Unable or unwilling to leave my narcissistic marriage, I kept saying that I was “committed to commitment.” I think it was especially hard for me-and for my ex-husband as well-because we were among the first gay men in the US who got civilly married when we tied the knot in Provincetown, Mass., in 2004. We were so grateful for the opportunity to be married that it was hard for us to split up, even when we became so very unhappy with each other.

[@annjohnson8437]

I can totally see why that would make it harder to choose divorce and add extra pressure to make a toxic marriage work. It sounds like you got out and have moved on now. Good for you. I hope I can be brave enough to do the same. ❤

[@SuperGoofygranny]

Being homosexual doesn’t automatically make you understand how to protect yourself from narcissistic people and the red flags to watch out for when going into a relationship.

[@moniquejackson7741]

Brilliant. There are so many healthy and admirable qualities that Narcissists weaponize to abusively control. Loyalty is one of the most powerful. Thank you!

[@ToniaRichardson-tm3ff]

Boom. LOVE your clearly spoken truth and how it resonates, Dr. Ramani. Thank you for continuing to speak up and out. Mahalo from Kauai!

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

Love this. ❤ Took a break from family dinners to avoid a possibly narcissist family member that has been emotionally abusive verbally assaulting me and causing me severe stress, and so I went to my cousins for dinner instead. It was super hard and I struggled with feeling so guilty, but yes I am choosing loyalty to myself right now. Thank you ❤

[@rosemaryclarke2348]

DON'T YOU DARE FEEL GUILTY; WHAT RIGHT HAVE THEY TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE THAT, NONE!! Be yourself and be happy!!❤️❤️🥳🥳

[@amandaa3713]

@costello Yes, loyalty to self. Love it.

[@christinerobertson9596]

Taking care of my literally dying mother. Went across country, cleared out her apt, and rented a house and arranged hospice care. OMG!! The abuse she tells me I deserve is no more. Luckily I have a camper van-- So after a major ambush when I went home, I cannot take anymore. So I'm in the van while my husband works, and go home at night with my husband to clean up after her. She tells me "I MUST do what she wants and when she wants." She is HORRIBLE. In a zodiac book, I am March 2nd, "The Loyal One." Only child taking care of mentally ill mother for 64 years. Can't wait to get your book, Dr. R. 💚

[@tundrawomansays694]

Why??? You owe your abuser *nothing.* Stop being a martyr to a hopeless cause, my friend. When is it *your turn?* It’s not like aging/death stealthily steal into your home, secrete itself in the linen closet and jump out one day screaming “Surprise!” Her failure to plan isn’t your problem. OK? You need permission to leave this “dying dinosaur” here it is from an old lady. It’s over, let it be over. Hugs if you’re up for them!

[@christinerobertson9596]

😀@@tundrawomansays694

[@christinerobertson9596]

Hugs back!!! 💚💜@@tundrawomansays694

[@carolynjaynes36]

The one I would take a bullet for, was holding the trigger. The one I would jump in front of a bus to save, was the one who would toss me under the bus to save themselves. It was a shocking realization, but the truth will set you free. You deserve peace!

[@user-yy8gk5ko9z]

I was married to a very "loyal husband" for 30 years. "Loyalty" was his favorite phrase. Whenever I disagreed with him, he'd dismiss me by saying, "You are not loyal." He was an ex-Marine Major, so unwavering loyalty was central to his personal ethics. Furthermore, being a Catholic, he firmly believed in the idea of unconditional love. He would yell at me or give me the silent treatment frequently, but he would claim his love was still unconditional. He'd say he loved me but just didn't like my behavior. It's like parents scolding their children while still loving them. He would accuse me of being disloyal and not having unconditional love. Although it's been three years since I left him, the phrases "You are not loyal" and "Love should be unconditional" still echo in my heart and trouble me. But after hearing you, I've come to realize that this was just another one of his gaslighting tactics. Thank you! Thank you! I

[@Zornroeschen90]

Exactly this type of self harming "loyalty" is expected in workplaces that claim to be like a big family. So heads up, they just want to take advantage of you until you break down or leave.

[@FazartOrganization]

Thank you for this video, I'm someone who is extreme loyal and holds loyalty in high regard and you've made some critically important, and amazing as always, points.

[@ourgracefoaladventures]

Oh my, this resonates so much. I'm now "the bad guy" for not taking any more mistreatment from two narcissists in my family.

[@gpfeia]

Betrayal goes so deep. I’m still recovering and stuck. Still have trust issues, safety issues, control issues, all kinds of issues about even starting a real relationship

[@craigmerkey8518]

Thank you! I have these conversations about "loyalty" all the time! I am not looking for validation I know my truth!

[@Stellaluna88]

I can attest to the fall out of no longer being loyal to a narcissist. My older sibling saw my loyalty as a way to manipulate me. Once I came to the realization, our relationship became estranged. It’s been a few years since we have seen each other. She has become more spiteful and covert in her narcissism. Thank you for your guidance and solutions with this channel. I have experienced a paradigm shift. ❤

[@katie195]

Went through the “loyalty phase” with my husband. It’s very delusional.

[@randomoldlady_]

I love how Dr. Ramani can make comments which refer to our insane political arena without directly taking aim at individuals. In politics this dysfunctional loyalty is being used as a cement that holds insanity in place for one side and at the same time, the "other side" blocks truth tellers from having a voice. I have deep respect and love for Dr. Ramani. Thank you, you have helped me so much!

[@ThisIsMe155]

Exactly, Dr Ramani 💯. Loyalty to ALL others (regardless of how toxic etc..) is Self-Harm! I was 100% Loyal to my friends (quite apart from my narcissistic mother and family), now I've discovered that some of those same people that I was most loyal to, and loved the most, were the ones that were 'not' loyal to me. The outcome of that realisation has hit me like a 'thunderbolt' 😖. Thank You for this 'authentic', 'astute' and deeply 'heart-felt' video. May God Bless You and Yours 'continually' and 'abundantly'. 😖💔❤🌹

[@yashasvinigam590]

I hate my family even more, after listening to this. On the other hand, this is a reminder for me to be DISLOYAL to my toxic family and be more LOYAL to myself, since loyalty is my core value. Thank you Dr. Ramani and this community for existing. 🙏💫💚

[@augustily1]

Thank you so much for all you do to help people understand what Narcissim is all about. Today really helped many people out there.🥰

[@joyceglasgow2356]

Once, the narcissist I dealt with said he didn’t understand why people were loyal to others. He seemed to not understand the concept, like it was mind-boggling to him. It also seemed that he found it to be a weakness or something ridiculous or undesirable to be. At the time, before I was able to fully identify him as a narcissist, I found his opinion on loyalty strange. Now , that his narcissism has been fully revealed to me over time and experience , I can put it much more clearly into perspective.

[@Pigletpronto]

This woman is astounding. dr Romini is the bizz

[@kpao822]

This weekend I too my kids and left my toxic narcissistic husband. I could no longer repsect myslef for enduring his behaviour towards the kids and myself. I have reported his behaviour to childrens aid and have a lawyer who is statring the paperwork for custody. It feels awful and evil but loyalty to him hurt myself and my children. I really needed this video today. He has not stopped calling and texting to tell me how evil and unfair I am and that he will harm himself from sadness of not seeing his kids. Its hard to be "disloyal " butnits the safest choice.

[@amberkalish831]

I feel like this is the most important video you've created. ❤ I feel so bad for anyone who grew up like this. Being subjected to a narcissist is psychological abuse.

[@PenninkJacob]

The problem is that being "healthy" is not contagious, only being "sick" (i.e., narcissistic) is contagious... thank you thank you!❤👍

[@10Hags5]

True.

[@mmoreira2000]

I was a victim of being loyalties for 22 years in my marriage. I'm impressed how you can go direct to the point, to the core of the wounds. Thank you for your videos, they help me a lot in my recovery of being abused for so long time. Receive my gratitude, Doc.

[@spacegirl226]

The strangest moment when I discovered "loyalty" came when I was visiting my wealthy aunt out west, clear across the country from me. I had only met her a couple times in my life up until that point. For a high school graduation gift, she allowed me to come out to her home where she spoiled me and tried to force me into her idealized version of what I should have been. My family is full of Cluster Bs, and turns out my aunt is one of them too, though I didn't know it at the time. She is a paranoid, secretive person who uses her money to manipulate. That got her in trouble a lot with people who were more unscrupulous and manipulative than she was. I was sitting at the breakfast table with my other aunt, and my wealthy aunt was in the living room watching tv very loudly. My other aunt and I were talking in low voices about how strange it was being in my wealthy aunt's house. I had a lot of questions, and my wealthy aunt was NOT one that was going to answer those questions without being completely offended, -- walking on eggshells. I'm eating cereal. My other aunt was drinking coffee. All of the sudden my wealthy aunt storms into the kitchen absolutely furious at both of us. She'd been eavesdropping despite the tv turned up to high heavens. She grabbed my aunt's coffee mug, screaming and ranting and raving about loyalty and how we have no loyalty and throws the coffee mug into the sink so hard it shattered. I didn't know that asking questions about a woman I barely knew was considered "disloyal." Needless to say the rest of my trip was tense, and I couldn't wait to be back home. Yes, loyalty is very important to narcissistic individuals, especially family members. My aunt thought if she bought people enough things that loyalty would come automatically. Didn't matter that her personality made it nearly impossible to get to know her -- fear of vulnerability -- but that throwing money at someone was enough to get what she wanted and allowed her to treat people like crap otherwise. All of her relationships are hollow and disingenuous. But she never saw herself as the problem. You will be loyal, but the narc certainly doesn't have to be. Thanks, Dr. Ramani.

[@robinkholmes7127]

"Can't we all just get along?" = "Give (me or the narc) what they want because it's easier for me." And when is the narc loyal, they make enemies like it's breathing.

[@juliedwiningerspille2403]

Such a good topic! Hope it helps others not to feel alone!! Thank you for sharing!

[@p.w.352]

The narcissist doesn't have any problems discarding family members. You don't have to be loyal when it's not reciprocated.

[@kadambariprasad208]

Dr. Ramani, thank you for your truly wonderful videos. Sometimes I need to watch them in parts because of how overwhelmingly spot on they are. You’re helping me do the really hard reflections I need to. Sometimes it takes me time and watching the video in small chunks. It is so helpful though. Thank you so much.

[@karlwieler9205]

my father-in-law targeted me... to help him in a commercial project where I found the architect, the trades, and gave my time and money to the venture. When he sold the building he kept all the profit laughing at me and telling me later over a dinner ... 'that he would never have done what I did'.

[@jessicaabbott10]

My narc sister always preached about family loyalty, but she did nothing to help anyone in the family with any real needs. It was all about the rest of us giving into her demands. No one in the family was allowed to talk to anyone that saw through her BS and called her out. One time I told her I was leaving to see someone that she had a falling out with and I told her I wasn’t going to let her dictate my association. (I was in my 20s at that point and capable of deciding that for myself without her permission - not that she was even a parent or another authoritative figure; but she most definitely thought of herself as such) As I turned to walk away, she screamed at the top of her lungs, “YOU HAVE NO FAMILY LOYALTY” and punched me so hard in the eye that it was swollen for 5 days. Today, the rest of the family still caters to her violent fits of rage, and I am far across the country. She’s right - I *don’t* have family loyalty; at least not to my family of origin. My family is now myself and my husband, who treats me far better.

[@percubit10]

I stayed loyal and spoke the truth. But I lost everything and gave up my dreams. I spoke out and everyone put me down, I stopped taking care of myself. I encouraged cooperation and assertiveness. I used to be shy and timid and lost my sense of self, Now I am isolated and lonely. I am taking care of an elderly mother and I have no sense of self. I have been in a toxic family. My father was condescending and kept me silent every time I spoke. Now I am an empty shell. At 60 I have no life of my own. My mother is a beautiful soul who has a hard time saying no and she instilled that in me, I have nothing to stand on anymore., I was also around religious gaslighting from Christians who damned me to hell and made me feel like I have no worth and no value,. Christian world view to me is the dumbest thing on the planet. I gave up on everything.

[@cdjcdj4929]

I learned to be loyal to values, not people…the people who possess these will have my loyalty for life

[@colincalmstorm]

We can be loyal to ethical integrity or to delusional slavers. Thank you for these helpful, healthful messages.

[@orielwiggins2225]

Absolutely! Thank you. Healthy loyalty, like healthy forgiveness, must be a two way street. Anything less inevitably becomes unhealthy at best and super damaging and harmful at worst. And the cult stuff keeps coming up for me, so relateable on do many levels. Thanks

[@simoneshlomi3869]

I cannot emphasise enough how you helped me with your video of choosing pain over pain. The am two weeks out. Whenever I have doubts I just think about which pain I choose.❤❤

[@GlynisMarthinussen.]

I so need to get that book. Congratulations on the new book

[@ashleyvaughn5213]

Yup, the person who tells the truth is a problem when toxic situations have been going on for years. Oh well, wrong is wrong to me. Especially when it causes harm to others. Loyalty to me is supportive, uplifting, and understanding. Loyalty is not harmful in any way. Thank you for your studies and observations.

[@youngblood8540]

Wedding vows are unrealistic and shouldn't be made. Promises are like babies, easy to make but hell to deliver.

[@JDS37711]

Lol

[@bridgettetraveler658]

I grew up with a large group of DNA relatives, but I have a small group I consider fam. I grew up feeling like Cinderella & now I've given my life to the Prince of Peace. I'm a CHRISTIAN who listens closely to this Doc. She knows what shes talking about. Thank u doc for all of your help. U are a Blessing to many!!!

[@Traynze]

Dr Ramani, you knocked that out of the park! As a truth teller/seer child, I can say this video was succinct and very accurate. Let's not forget scapegoat. Of course, that goes without saying. My loyalty was always held with God, the universe, myself, and the truth. I will posit that loyalty to truth would make a good karmic law. I was calling out the woman who birthed me since I was 5. I knew it wouldn't do any good, but it was a moral imperative to me. No matter the consequences which weren't meager. It strengthened my resolve every time. Her oblivious nature couldn't " see " that the scripted response was 180° from the result. 🙃 Thank you from the entirety of my being for the work that you and your team do to help and heal this scurge on humanity. I do what I can 1 person at a time. 😇

[@terraharris1890]

Thank you Dr Ramani, this is the conversation that I needed. I've known for a while that I needed out but being loyal was the main reason I've stayed. Not just in my marriage but standing by my mom after my sister and father have cut her out of their lives.

[@agatakjoy]

"Loyalty is not meant to be masochism." "Loyalty like respect is something that should be earned."

[@csfiskus610]

When loyalty is not reciprocated and rewarded properly

[@MrTwinkieeater]

You and Sam Vaknin deserve a Nobel Prize. Keep up the good work.

[@Samuel_L.B]

I'm beginning to realize that many of our cultural messages and social norms are double edged sword's that can be extremely dangerous in a narcissist relationship. We are told to believe certain things about family, loyalty, love, commitment, honesty and mutual respect with no concept of multiple truths. Only that the rules around these beliefs must be followed at all times. If we are lucky enough to be in a marriage or family system with empathic people then we've hit the jackpot! But..... If we are unlucky and enter a narcissist relationship, all those beliefs get used against us. It's like discovering that the tube connecting you to the oxygen supply, that you've been breathing from your entire life, is actually poisonous. And everyone else is completely unaffected. And they don't understand why you want a new tube, because their getting their oxygen from the same place as you (the same cultural beliefs) but their lucky enough to not have had their oxygen tube laced with poison AKA not dealing with narcissistic abuse. Then you're filled with shame, gulit and fear. on top of being gaslighted for wanting to redfine what loyalty, love, family, commitment and mutual respect mean to you. Reframing cultural beliefs and social norms is one of the biggest challenges I've had to overcome in navigating narcissistic abuse.

[@Amy-G-Dala-]

Truth! The more I was ride or die for them, the more they kept disrespecting me. I fell for the love bombing and figured they were only pulling away due to being overwhelmed. Nope! They thought they had me so they decide I wasn't worth it anymore and poured into people who didn't care about them until I couldn't take it and left. Now they have no one

[@demian8439]

When loyalty goes in only one direction that is NOT loyalty.

[@stacybenton2011]

I really love the new setting! Thank you for your dedication to save lives! You are a true jewel!❤❤

[@RepentTimeIsAtHand]

Spot on once again! Grateful for the gift of Dr.Ramani. What a blessing. Make it, make sense. And that is precisely what Dr.Ramani is doing. True faith is loving unconditionally. So many conterfeit religions; cults out there. I look forward to your new book. Thank you🕊🤍🕯🙏

[@rosemaryclarke2348]

This is the hardest to watch but thanks; it's like realising that the limb you've been covering up nearly went gangrenous.

[@TruthD]

“Loyalty in a narcissistic family means put up and shut up.” Interesting I was just listening to the song “The hardest thing” by the band 98 degrees. He has to tell someone he loves he can’t be with them because he has “promises to keep” and “someone else who loves him.” I can’t help but think this is an example of fake loyalty. True loyalty is telling the truth and being honest whether or not that is convenient or comfortable for everyone’s ego.

[@MinferTransmission]

Ta kobieta zasługuje na długie, zdrowe i szczęśliwe życie za ilość osób, które przywróciła do życia, wyciągając ich z wiru cierpienia. To jedna z tych osób, którym będę dozgonnie wdzięczna za pomoc. Przywróciła mnie do życia.

[@suzannemckenzie7035]

It's that "no matter what" crap. The "unconditional love" thing too! Love no matter what is total BS. It doesn't mean taking verbal abuse or forced control or unrealistic standards/expectations.

[@NatalieZii]

This is a huge thing I had to come to realize with my family and I am sure it will help many people. Thank you.

[@laurar9748]

You are the absolute BEST! Your content resonates!!