Help for the Despair That Infidelity Creates in Both Spouses

Today Samuel shares insights from his own personal journey with despair and hopelessness on how to make it to the other side.
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- Amanda, Florida
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.

[@r8drnation677]

I deeply regret my decision to have an affair. My wife has given me another chance and I know it is my last chance. I can't stand the hurt I created for her. Working daily to win her 100% back. Very grateful. Thanks for the videos, it really helps

[@sarahmeyers1773]

I’m glad that you’re dedicated to trying to do better.

[@AprilSunshine]

It's not even a hallway. It's a steep, dizzying stairwell, with Ice and missing steps everywhere. And every step you take brings more pain, paralyzing fear and struggling to believe the person you trusted more than anyone is the one who left you stranded there...

[@ricca7111]

April Sunshine 😞

[@davidbailey1718]

That is exactly right. The person you wanted to trust the most, confide in and comfort from you leave behind in a whirlwind of hurt, betrayal and doubt

[@lilytoh3580]

An absolutely painful rejection from a most trusted and loved person who we placed our whole life in when we married them.

[@angelicaz4480]

My husband was unfaithful and I’m recovering. I want things to work out for us because I love my husband. I know who he is inside and I feel the pain and grief he feels right now because of this decision that affected our life so much. Your videos give me hope and wonderful advice as being a betrayed spouse. So many questions have been answered with these videos… I feel like I can breath after I watch these videos so much better some times. The pain and despair is so emotionally and physically painful. I wish I could fast forward to the day where it doesn’t hurt so much anymore.

[@Marinababe93]

I needed to read and hear this too ❤

[@savinyours]

You guys help me through so much . It's just heartbreaking when the one you built your family foundation, just abandons it all. No closure, no answers.

[@mary9012]

L Rod Yes, it is truly heartbreaking. I never received an explanation or answers either. After two years, and therapy, I see the light at the end of the tunnel and have accepted (or learned to live with) the fact I will never receive any answers or an apology. I will not let what happened define who I am. You will find your way through all of it too.

[@leeballestrin5142]

I feel exactly the same...30 years of a marriage I thought nothing could break the love and trust we had..That was shattered when the thrill of someone younger who also was married was all of a sudden a”just a friend “ became someone that became the wedge that broke us and or kids and grandkids..I feel so hopeless to repair or to be alone and independent.Samual you bring mr hope...thank you

[@cathygeorge6794]

Thank you. I’ve been walking through “the wilderness” and have been relying on my Higher Power. In a season of waiting. Affair Recovery has been a big help too to know that I’m not alone in sorrow, pain and understanding. I still have hope because of these things.

[@brandilopez6181]

Samuel, may God bless you and your family. Thank you for all your dedication to this awful time we have faced. It is painful to hear you going through this terrible ordeal. I don’t know what we are going to do if a break is a must. Please take care of yourself and again thank you for using your affliction to help us all who drown in black waters of infidelity.

[@samshealingpodcast]

thank you so much my friend, your kind words mean so much.

[@terrywade3696]

“. . . If you don’t make amends, don’t show humility or compassion or try to help them heal . . . that’s not OK . . .” That’s my despair as a betrayed. I can heal on my own. But if my unfaithful husband continues to make it all about him & his shame & doesn’t do the above mentioned actions, I see no reason to reconcile or continue the marriage. He has to become safe enough to hold my heart in his hands & he’ll never be safe enough to do that if he doesn’t take action to try to undo some of the damage he’s caused & shows me he truly still cares for me. If the roles were reversed & I was the unfaithful, I would be frantic to find help, frantic to try to sooth his pain. I would be frantic to learn all I could as to what went wrong with me to fix me ASAP so I could help him heal. I would be desperate to become trustworthy again. I would be open & honest & volunteer answers to his tortured questions. I would listen to him & cry with him. But hey, that’s just me.

[@atomiota5191]

Beautiful

[@paulthomas2678]

Very well said. I wish my wife would take more initiative as the unfaithful. I’m not going to ask her anymore. It’s like she doesn’t hear me and never has. Good luck to your.

[@Mxtraveler]

That’s me, too. He missed so many opportunities to make me trust again. We are 10 months past my learning of her. They dated in high school and we have been married 50 years and yet I never heard her name. It was a secreted messaging tryst. I saw some of it and it seemed to be just everyday conversations. BUT, it was his secret for nearly a year. Constant messaging and he was mad once I saw it and questioned the constant contact. It took 3 months of hurt and anxiety on my part before he admitted to himself what it was-an emotional affair. He defended it for months. It hurt. Lots of counseling has helped our communication and he now has some empathy for what he has done to me. It took at least 7 months for just that. They left me with this bag of sh*t to deal with. It is stopped but I still hold the bag. It’s not everyday that I think of it. I don’t worry that they will see each other. She lives in another state. But it hurts me that due to some lying, he has lost my trust after 50 years. I am nervous every time we are apart. I hope I live long enough to completely forgive. At 68, I guess there is time.

[@dharasutar]

Sameul , you have been not only help and educator for me in understanding my situation but also a wonderful source of comfort provider in that situation ......I am from almost the other side of the world , IAM from Pakistan ....May God grant you perfect health and a long happy life .Get well soon

[@samshealingpodcast]

wow so awesome to hear from you. thank you so much for your kind words and support and for watching.

[@Abarbs05]

Samuel, first and foremost I wish you a speedy recovery. You have been a God sent with your videos. Stay on as long as you can. You and your videos have more helpful then the thousands I spent on individual and marriage counseling. God Bless and a speedy recovery. You look great.

[@Tarababe1000]

Samuel, although I am new to this channel, I have been amazed at how much you give to help others. I wish you all the best and hope for a positive and speedy/successful recovery. Take care and love to you and your family. x

[@shaunabee]

Awhh, Samuel my prayers are for you and your family. I pray your treatment is a success and a for speedy recovery! 🙏🏾

[@samshealingpodcast]

thank you so much.

[@sfdefender25]

This came at the time I needed it. I am the unfaithful and we are four months post discovery. We have had better times but there have been more dark times and sometimes I don’t know if we are going in the right direction. My depression has swung left and right the entire time, but I am treating it and working thru it. Thank you for what you guys do. It for sure gave us a chance to at least have a chance to work thru this.

[@Gemmarose9012]

Samuel I will pray for you that you will have a complete recovery. Your health comes first, please take good care of yourself!

[@kimrisnear3866]

So sorry you are dealing with precancerous skin issues! I will be praying for you. I know the pain is pretty intense but you have been thru worse so I have faith you will make it! Thank you for all you do!

[@samshealingpodcast]

thank you so much.

[@ricca7111]

The silence is deafening. The unfaithful has now started with the passive aggressive statements. Or he is not talking or texting at all. I believe we are at a point of no return 😞

[@kiaslater6827]

I'm sorry honey. I'm dealing with the same thing.

[@matthewfoster8217]

Thank you Samuel. That hit home. It is exactly the place I am at, and I am grateful for all that you do. God Bless you.

[@samshealingpodcast]

thank you brother.

[@melywelly81]

Samuel I’m sorry to hear about you facing this skin cancer . I pray that God gives strength to you and your family .

[@samshealingpodcast]

thank you so much my friend.

[@carlafreise3153]

Samuel, my prayers are with you during this time dealing with health issues. You’re the best and I miss your teachings when you’re gone, but of course understand! Blessings to you and your family. Carla

[@rtklarsfeld]

Samuel, May G-d heal you and make you whole. Your work has helped so many of us slowly become more whole , more healed!! BTW- You look great, as always.

[@garsu1229]

Never painful to look at it is part of life please if you feel ok. Stilll video you have saved our hearts

[@blueman306]

Thank you so much..I have received so much wisdom from you!!! I pray you have a speedy recovery.

[@himanichopra3932]

Wish you a speedy recovery... may God bless you...thanks once again for all the you are doing for all of us

[@pinkbutterfly772]

You bring so much understanding to alot of what I'm experiencing. I watch all of the videos you post. Thank you so much and I'm praying for complete healing for you my brother in Christ.

[@samshealingpodcast]

means a ton, thank you so much.

[@larrybwoy2970]

Thanks. This video, as all the others, helps. I hope you are feeling better as well.

[@IshtarBellydancer]

Samuel - sorry about the health issues… so grateful for the wonderful, fully emotionally authentic pep talks for affair recovery couples. You help so much - I listen to your words when I’m drowning in pain - and feel the life vest pull me up from the water. Thank you to God for good people like you helping us.

[@gatchcat1297]

Thank you so much for this video! It was helpful, encouragement and support was definitely the key. I'm so sorry that you are having a hard time with your health. Prayers for you 🙏❤️

[@samshealingpodcast]

thank you my friend.

[@lorikent3076]

Samuel, Thank you for allowing God to use you and your situation to bring healing to others. I believing that by his stripes you are healed. Continue to trust Him through your process.

[@samshealingpodcast]

thank you Lori. means more than you know.

[@brendalee878]

Hope you get well soon Sam!

[@doncargill4998]

Hey I’ve been married 52 years 10 years of marriage my wife cheated on me I caught her she said she only did it once I took her back into my life and forgot about the whole thing she said she love me 39 years later was talking to a therapist and she chose the worst part of the whole story I haven’t been able to get rid of it out of my head it’s been a problem for both of us since 39 years of marriage and now I’ve been married 52 years is there any hope for me to recover and try to get over this pain I feel thank you for listening I hope your Health gets better I’m a survivor from cancer myself thank you Donald

[@teamclockwork]

Thank you for existing

[@bryanfrench8671]

Great ending...I hope to get there. Hallway is full of lights that burn out.. thinking that it the end...just another bulb and keep moving forward... thanks for all your blogs. Really seem to help both of us

[@RL-cb7vt]

Prayers for you Samuel. 🙏🏻

[@samshealingpodcast]

thank you so much.

[@laurenjeangreenbean6301]

You're my hero.

[@trevorcarvalho4562]

Also....speedy recovery. Hope you feel better and see u October 12th

[@maryjurkiewicz1358]

I needed this so much today. Exactly everything you said. Thank you so much for all you do. You are such a blessing.

[@samshealingpodcast]

means a ton mary. thank YOU so much.

[@carolynmcmillan7083]

Samuel I’m so sorry to hear about you I’ll health. Make sure you take time for you guys. A lot of what you said here resonates with me. My counsellor has said this to me that my husband has the right to live his life without constantly punishing himself. Which I do get. I don’t know though how to move forward and stop the pain and upset when I’m triggered. I really wish you guys were in the uk.

[@samshealingpodcast]

give some thought to this course my friend, as you can do it online and from the UK: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope also, there may be some help here with this gentleman in the UK who works with couples: andrewgmarshall.com/ it's possible to heal and move beyond the pain you're feeling. i know the triggers are awful and the feelings can rage, but you can heal and you can diffuse them with the right help and plan.

[@romg8229]

I wish i can also be heal by the trauma made by my partner. Until now , he keep on contacting his ex. He keep on searching in fb. I try to find my ways to make him feel contented. I ask him to be honest and i will try to understand. If he cannot forget his ex. But it so hard to give endless forgiveness. It causes me depression and i tend to rely on smoking. I almost smoke cigar 1 pack a day

[@trevorcarvalho4562]

Hey Sam...here is a difficult situation I am not sure you can address.....I contracted a lifelong std from my spouse after her affair. Every flare up is a major trigger for anger and despair

[@sunve4240]

😭😭😭😭😭😭 I dont know how to live now 😭😭😭it so Painful 😖 I dont know if I can forget and forgive my Husband 😭😭😭

[@metalretrocinema]

Never forget the Lord forgave us first. Forgiveness is true freedom. If you can truly forgive your spouse the Lord will heal you ten fold.

[@ricca7111]

🙏🏻

[@adeelakamran4543]

Samuel, May Allah gives you best of health, ameen

[@Leah-fs7qq]

Can Affair Recovery still help a couple with a porn addiction? I certainly feel betrayed for years now. He thinks it's completely different because he didn't have an affair, yet I'm exhibiting many of the signs u describe.

[@samshealingpodcast]

absolutely. we have many that are dealing with pornography who take our courses, attend our weekends and are heavily involved in our programs. you'll be safe and feel safe here. it's absolutely normal to experience the same signs though it's porn. infidelity is the keeping of secrets from our spouses.

[@HarryAcorns]

Should I tell a spouse I know his wife's cheating? And that she's thought about him dying? Basically everything I know? Show him texts etc? She gets physically ill when she can't be with AP. I'm just a friend but she's manipulating me too and I'm sick of it. I see, and I want to put my foot down. Should I make her suffer loss, consequences or pain? From my side. Should I yell her I'm telling? I want away but she pulls me back in. 😡

[@mariabedolla8904]

Yes, tell the spouse. If you were the spouse who is being cheated on, you would appreciate someone being honest with you. I wouldn’t tell the wife you’re going to tell just talk to the betrayed partner. Best of luck

[@brendalee878]

How do you move forward and forgive. I thought I had tucked 2 affairs away only to cry on my time. Then to find out the last affair was 38 years ago and it was the middle of three affairs. So that meant he was lying and hiding one while I was going through the other. I think he’s a monster. He says if I told you about the other one at 32nd year you would’ve definitely left me. How would you respond to something like that Sam? How would you feel? I was in my mid 20s I’m now 61 how do you deal with this at me age. I’m in therapy her responses are. well there’s gonna come a time you just have to except it and move forward or leave him. He’s not going tell you what you want to hear because he waited so long and he don’t remember or he just not going to say to tell you. He’s angry about things that were said over the years.

[@rondabock2463]

Hi.. I've cheated for the third time .. we're kinda still sleeping in the same bed. We work different shifts..there hasn't been too much anger.. we're pretty civil.. there's not much touching..He mentioned he thought about divorce papers.. it's only been a couple weeks since the last disclosure.. what are your thoughts. ? Thanks in advance..

[@samshealingpodcast]

i would get expert help asap for you my friend. for both of you. here is a course for you: www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing then here is a weekend intensive i think you should consider as well: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend the worst thing would be to go right back to normal living. i would ask your spouse to get help asap with you and to go all in as they feel comfortable. however much they are willing to take part is acceptable and roll with that. even if it's not that much. but for you, i would do all you can to get healthy and find out why you've made the choices you've made.

[@korenstewart7450]

Third times a charm - I guess.