When Is It OK to CRY? 3 Rules

Crying is a form of signaling: it conveys information to the environment about distress, hopelessness, helplessness, sadness, and despair.
Crying is anxiolytic because it is a behavior modification cue, akin to anger (indeed, the two often co-occur). Babies cry in order to modify adult behaviors. This restores a sense of safety (“everything will be OK”).
Crying is a form of psychosocial sharing and “sharing is caring”. It is therefore soothing.
Albeit inexorable and uncontrollable, crying is also a kind of self-regulatory behavior. It is like crossing the Rubicon.
Regrettably, crying is stigmatized and linked to all manner of dysfunctional behaviors, traits, and dynamics (e.g., affective dysregulation). It is often cast as fake and manipulative.
Crying is a sign of weakness, fragility, and vulnerability and opens the door to exploitation by predators and maltreatment by abusers. It is a risky behavior.
So, when is it socially OK and self-efficacious to cry?
1. Only in a friendly environment, never in an indifferent or hostile one;
2. When alone, as an act of self-pity or self-soothing, seeking relief;
3. When crying is likely to avert, avoid, or modify circumstances or behaviors that might lead to adverse outcomes or engender and foster succor, support, and help.
 
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[@user-the-wanda-]

Tears are the language of the heart. I was called a whiny baby my whole life and made to believe that crying was a weakness, but it is NOT a weakness. I’ve spent most my life finding ways to close myself off emotionally because I naturally cry about EVERYTHING. However, I truly believe now, that tears are how our souls speak when we don’t have the words to say.

[@oliver7011]

It's amazing how little content is on crying. It's more taboo than discussing sex or anger.

[@DorisBTS]

I have an autoimmune disease which prevents me from crying and it is truly horrible. I haven't cried properly in over 15 years even though I feel all the emotions, I have no tears. It's very hard to find release. I mostly use exercise and meditation instead, but it's not the same. I often wonder if it was my body's response to holding back my feelings from my abusive narcissistic mother. Thank you for your videos, Sam. You explain everything so well, and you make me laugh.I like your sense of humour ❤

[@Only_The_Best_Bits-f5y]

Someone once told me: “tears do to the soul what soap does for the body” 🧡

[@colibri7-m1h]

If I cried he got upset and angry and said it showed WEAKNESS. He would not be around weakness. While being all weakness himself...

[@christinas8782]

yes i was told to stop crying and he would yell at me.. once even asked me “why are you so weak” because i was upset during a time anyone would be upset

[@KatKos2024]

Crying is healthy & it is a sign of strength 💪

[@IvyInChainss]

Sam i have been binging your videos for the past 3 months, as soonas i wakeup and until i sleep. on all your channels.

[@LindaBallard911health]

Amazing! I remember when I was diagnosed with cancer the doctor ask me how did I feel. If I wanted to cry. I said no I needed to stay alive because I had small children at the time. I felt I couldn’t see my way through tears. There was so much to do and change any habits that could affect my health. The people I was surrounded by I did not trust to take care of my children. They were Outlaws not In-laws. My children would suffer. The doctors responded maybe if you cry you would not have this disease. Man, I was so pissed. I thought he was an A**hole. I didn’t cry but that day I cursed like a sailor. Thank you for your knowledge it makes sense now. Well, I still don’t do the crying. I guess anger play its role.💕

[@ninaquick1855]

I’ve witnessed several proper mental breakdowns of my narc ex, with him wailing and hitting his head on the floor…and yet when I dared shed a few tears months later in front of him, he was baffled and said he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do with my tears

[@JessMariaDwyer]

I used to get into trouble when I cried in front of him. He hated it! I just wanted him to hold me, I asked him to please hold me…he wouldn’t. When I cried he called it manipulation!

[@carpediem6126]

Nije mrzeo to!! Kad plačeš= ti si resurs!

[@christinas8782]

i relate to all of these comments… i would straight out ask him to hold me and care so he would purposely refuse to and just get angrier

[@JessMariaDwyer]

@@christinas8782 it’s a painful experience! I understand. It’s more devastating when you lose a parent, they become more annoyed with and won’t hold you or soothe you than either. It’s hard to understand. 🌻

[@O.Sea.D]

Yay, another Vaknin video, I'm crying of joy ❤

[@christinas8782]

i struggled with how “simple” the answer was to what was happening with my ex.. learning all of this psychology it really shocked me how i related to everything in scarily accurate detail.. when i was pregnant my ex suddenly became animated when he realised how much attention he was getting from his mother for “giving her a grandchild” fast forward to the baby being born and my ex went into a sudden bitter rage and demanded his mother “stop focusing on being grandma and just be his parent” i watched him act out like a jealous toddler who was being “replaced” it was so so so very bizarre

[@Ratopetista007]

Do narcissists deceive themselves into thinking they have emotional empathy?

[@samvaknin]

Prosocial/communal narcissists do. Search the channel.

[@chris33337]

OH, yes they do! My Sister think she is mother The resa..... 😬

[@mirellam2431]

Oh yes he deceive himself that he has emotional intelligence..

[@Blackwaterswamp]

Bad example. Mother Theresa was a horrible human​@@chris33337

[@Nicole-v2e8w]

When the narc set up such a show with others to make me feel rejected stressed and all the horrible feelings you could think of he didn't care at all like I was nothing.. I would retaliate & which he knew I would & they would ring the police.. I know it was to get me out of the picture so he could do what he wanted without being interrupted by me .. when it's all over & done with he would hoover me back & say he was sorry & she'd some tears .. I would end up feeling sorry for him .. but I'm just wondering if he was really laughing at me & not feeling bad for what he put me through

[@Blackwaterswamp]

My narc ex could turn on/off the tears tomanipulate the outcome of situations. She didn't understand sadness and would watch sad movies, to know what cues to watch for, and when you should cry.

[@djlujoso460]

You make the fantastic... fantastic, Vaknin...

[@SpicyMcG]

I used to cry easily… and my most popular video, about a breakup, was a great example of that. .. obviously it’s not public anymore.. but I feel like I wouldn’t care as much if it were public now because my past self is like an alien to me now, cuz I was so lost! 😂 Learned a lot since 🎉

[@DianaWhite-io7jt]

I cried when my dog died. I cried every day on my own. I apologised every day to people when I cried. I cried when my son keft for university and when he told me he would never come back home to live with me and he never did. I cried every day when regressed to babyhood by the "lovely narcissist" whom I loved with all my heart. I cry when my emotions are so strong I cant not cry. I cried every time I visited my father in hospital when he was dying. Isnt this "normal"? I thought I was normal until I started studying with you, my professor .

[@oOIIIMIIIOo]

It is normal. Don't let someone tell you when to cry. 😉🙂 I am crying now, too. My youngest is out of the house with one foot now, too. 🙂💛

[@TheMazinoz]

I had a narcissist cry, and apologise for abusive behaviour ( extra mean as I am Ill with a genetic disorder that is poorly researched and understood and multisystem). Next week back to the exact same vindictive and abusive behaviour. They cant understand why I'm not wanting to have anything to do with their ever so wonderful selves. Trust me that no one would, well or otherwise.

[@FlaminHell]

My controlling ex told me not to cry in the room, told me.. "go out the house to cry" 🙁

[@Aquarius285]

Prof Sam, i want to ask you i am CALM but they now psyhical fight with me when i am calm...3 years and THEY ARE THE SAME!!!But i WIL FOCUS ONLY ON MY SELF...

[@phivegallonfillup]

How do I know when a narcissist/borderline or anyone is being sincere while crying. One of the most shocking and upsetting things I have had to come to terms with is how vulnerable I am to crying as a manipulative tool and how often I have been manipulated by intimate partners feigning something is wrong when it’s just not. I am afraid I have become cold because of it. It is the most heinous misuse of crying to manipulate intentionally with it. Somehow my empathy is employed against me through my un healed trauma.

[@samvaknin]

Search the channel for "cry".

[@phivegallonfillup]

@ thank you…

[@CherryFlavoredAntacid]

Sam you are a poet.

[@samvaknin]

samvak.tripod.com/contents.html

[@brandonp8294]

Jackpot! 👏🏻🎰🪙​@@samvaknin

[@mararomero9729]

Hi professor, I have a question, how can we self regulate our emotions when we lose control over ourselves? In cases where the person doesn't have a personality disorder.

[@samvaknin]

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