When "No Contact" Is Not Helpful - (Love Addiction & Codependency)

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on KZbin. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on KZbin. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

[@ytfeverguy8367]

She was so unavailable I had no choice than to implement NC. She gave me no special priority despite our love history (or my perception of it). We are long distance. She failed to keep in touch as promised. She is displaying manipulative behavior (hoovering) and trait psychopathy. She was giving me the silent treatment. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't in terms of NC and need to protect myself. Every Day in NC is better than reaching out and getting ignored and retriggered. Love hurts folks!

[@fantasiazplatkami]

yes, i ve been on NC with a guy who also showed psychopathic traits. It's tough but I remember how he ignored me, didnt pick or return my calls and I'm scared of getting this again and retraumatizing myself. I miss seeing him a lot, longing is hardly bearable but i dont think i can help the situation by recontacting him.

[@luzi778]

my experience is that it's better to go no contact with an emotionally manipulative and abusive person so that you can clear your mind over time from the brainwashing and get back to a state of self worth and self esteem. thank you alan for your work!

[@MS-bs8dd]

luzi77 yes

[@Megan6772]

I think he's referring to those partners which aren't manipulative and/or abusive

[@HisaLight2mypath]

This is very true the brainwashing they use

[@Matt-602]

@@MS-bs8dd Hear...HEAR!

[@ashsqx3246]

absolutely correct. im a trauma therapist and psychologist and l cannot tell you how many amateur online forums aggressively force no contact causing much long term damage to trauma survivors who follow their advice. many such online groups will block you if you speak of alternatives such as conscious contact, connectedness, conscious flexible boundary management, integration and encompassment, unconditional contact etc etc. ive faced much harrassment for speaking on these topics that are so important for trauma survivors.

[@MS-bs8dd]

ashsqx324 I agree. Thank you! Keep on. Move on/no contact is the way to go IF it feels right. Of COURSE you do need to say buh-bye to an a-hole. Done. No more. Others of us are in a grey area with growth potential, or more staying power.

[@lisamcguire7778]

@@MS-bs8dd my mechanic does this stuff. I am paying out continual repairs on my old truck and he treats me with hot cold behavior since I walk the straight path as a Christian and did not have connection with him. He is an unavailable player. Verbally abusive and then when I object and say Ok I will go forever if you say do so. He backs off. I think he likes being mean then nice seeing if I will break down emotionally and he will know then I am still financially TRAPPED. BUT ALSO STILL IN CONTROL OF ME COS IM STILL ATTRACTED. HE IS HEAVILY invested in his hypocritical behavior. AS I AM KNOWN AS A SOCIETY TARGET. I am excruciatingly vulnerable to his manipulative acts, yet cannot pay off my bill yet to escape. TOO BIG A BILL. EVERY TIME I GET IT PAID SOMETHING ELSE BREAKS. I AM TRAPPED. I AM POOR. I NEED PEACE ABOUT IT.HAVING TO USE HIM. AND BEING HARMED BECAUSE OF MY POVERTY. SO AWFUL.

[@Healingfromtheroot]

ashsqx324 yes. Thank you. It takes you a few steps back when u go cold turkey and panic and run vs practice conscious boundaries. Saying some goodbyes is helping me vs my usual flight. I’m having a hard time walking away so eventually no contact will be used but right now it has caused more damage to my ptsd. Ty for understanding.

[@kjjarrett9182]

ashsqx324 If someone broke up with you and doesn’t want to be with you, you have no choice but to do No contact. What are y’all talking it causes more trauma?! To whom?? Now I’m confused. Me, the the dumpee have no choice but to go No contact. Are you saying it’s causing “myself” more trauma? Or the Dumper??

[@mollyy3293]

I'm currently being ignored by family (it's been 6 months), is this a realistic time to think about no contact? Nobody is listening and I'm ready to move on in case they try to come back.

[@shirleybonn]

I'm dealing with a break up, and my ex and I decided to remain friends, it was and still very difficult and sometimes painful for me to let go but it was a lot of help to stay in contact with him. Even though all of my friends said, no contact is better, I felt that it would be better to keep in touch, to close a circle in my life. Now I'm very far away from him and it makes me feel happy when he calls or chats with me. I know that we won't come back because of several differences, but I'm glad to still have him in my life as a friend.

[@nokion.5927]

I am dealing with a Break Up for more then 6 months now. I tried No contact. Not helpful. Sometimes if I talked to my ex Bf I felt better. He can calm me down in minutes, if I am nervous. So I still like to have him in my life. I am very happy to hear from him. To watch movies, etc etc.

[@puebo1472]

@@nokion.5927 so, your ex is your emotional support and your friend? So I must assume that you don't want a romantic relationship with him, right?

[@nokion.5927]

@@puebo1472 I still love him yeah.. but it is not romantic. I love him for the person he is. I love him because he always makes me laugh, if I am having a sh*t day. There are many things why I love him. And I know that he thinks the same about me.

[@blaxpoitation8528]

@@nokion.5927 But that's just another attachment to him. How do you love him as a person, but you don't want to be with him? Loving him as a person is exactly WHY you should be with him

[@carolj7586]

Good for you. My ex cheated on me so many times. He was the one who left me but he wants me in his life as a friend and also wants to text me everyday.he said i am the most important person in his life and i mean everything to him. I dont know what he wants from me? We agree to text once a week just to say hi. The reason he left me was he feels that we are in the friend zone. Nothing more.

[@KalDrako]

God bless you man. I 've been punished by no contact a few times, and whenever i ve spoken against it, people usually see it as a weakness "No, don't back up, don't humiliate yourself by calling her,, you gotta stick to no contact blah blah". Very few understand that some people need controlled contact to heal. I hate no contact cause when I don't talk to the person i am thinking about, i end up making up all these stories and assumptions that are actually not true, but they become my demons and kinda haunt me for months, or even years. I ve found that when i do have controlled contact once in a while, the air clears up, the reality of the situation and the reality of the other person becomes obvious and i become healthier and happier and more ready to move on with my life.

[@rockerwoman]

I couldn't've said it better. I feel this.

[@lunaava8668]

Interesting that you use the word punished as if that’s the basis for non contact....ultimately we all need to do what we need to do given the nature if the relationship. Maybe the other person needs non-contact to heal ?

[@KalDrako]

@@lunaava8668 Very true, i bet they did need it. I think I used the word "punish" to imply that there was pain involved when no contact occurred.

[@Ariez___]

Wow this is perfect

[@bladerubber]

I've always gone into overdrive through NC. I've been through it several times with current ex ( I left yesterday) but this time I'm doing CC. Because in NC I find the person takes on magical qualities, grows even more important, you only remember the good and the deprevation of any contact doesn't seem to help rather it builds up to a ' mutual blow out' where we have missed each other so much we fall back into deluded state of re entering relationship. Now I don't know if CC will work..it's my first time really trying it.

[@CARLA19822]

I was shocked to hear you explain what I’ve been feeling, I didn’t understand and didn’t realize others go through this. I’m not crazy, have not heard anyone address these very real emotions, physical panic and anxiety symptoms, and having driven by the house to relieve that pain (I felt ashamed at myself for feeling so desperate). Thank you for making me understand so I can work on myself knowing now what is going on. 🙏

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the feedback. Thank you for letting me know this video brought you clarity and understanding. If this content is helpful and you would like learn more about how to be proactive around anxiety and fear in relationships then you may want to take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. Thanks again for letting me know this video was helpful. Check out the quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@neveragain733]

Then again its the cowards way out of ending a relationship. Many relationships can be salvaged but just going out seperate ways and still communicating. There are definatly times for nc such as physical and emotional abuse. People are becoming lemmings. Relationships are quickly becoming disposible.

[@andziagreen4922]

I feel your pain😔. Been there too🤗 I feel so embarassed to admit it

[@findparadise]

Everything you said about the primal panic was absolutely spot on. I had this after my boyfriend broke up with me and I sent a whole bunch of desperate texts begging him to talk to me and he ignored me and I felt so suicidal. He hasn't spoken to me at all since. I still feel traumatised over it, I still feel that panic of not speaking to him and it's making it impossible to move on. I go crazy in my head trying to understand why he didn't reply and telling myself it's because he never loved me, or because he's evil, trying on all these different ideas and I can't seem to just settle and let it go. Even typing this out brings me to tears, I'm so exhausted. I wish he would speak to me just so I could at least know the love was real, but I don't want the anxiety of reaching out and not getting a response.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

@Amelia, I see you were very engaged in the material by what you wrote in this comment and your other comments. There are many people, just like you, who are interested in a deeper conversation about this material. I created the online Improve Your Relationships 8-week program with to address how we can begin to change the reoccurring patterns that show up with attachment distress. The invitation is to engage throughout the week with resources I provide and through sharing our stories in the community and more importantly through offering support and encouragement to others. These are the ways I offer others to feel connected in this work and deepen how we are changing old relationship habits. The various Worksheets and Handouts I provide in the community are designed also to invite self-reflection and hone in on what specific areas we need to change in order to not be so hooked into attachment distress. The videos in the video library as well as all the daily memes and also the daily encouragement videos reinforce this bigger design of the program. Each item in this program was purposefully designed and chosen to work together and fit together as a complementary system. If members choose to engage the instructions and fully participate on a regular basis, then they will see how this is a holistic approach to answering your question. Please consider joining us! www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@evearcana2392]

Hi, would love to hear how everything went? Was the no contact beneficial looking back? How are things now? Update?

[@teetrustyah1849]

This is so true when you get your mind back your self esteem back and your heart back you get your power back therefore they don't have your power no more they don't have your confidence no more they can't suck the life out of you anymore they can't squeeze negative emotions out of you anymore and that's a beautiful thing and yes you can go no contact in your mind you can be around them you can even talk to them but you know your boundaries now you refuse to let them ever cross your boundaries ever again the main thing get your boundaries up get yourself back watch and pray and ask the most high God to give you strength I saw my ex 5 months later and nothing moved in me I was able to greet him speak to him hug him and embrace him and told him well nice seeing you good bye he wanted to take me out to dinner I told him I couldn't Have a good day and I walked off I felt great praise God Almighty God gave me the strength to walk away

[@meraki7640]

I really like how nuanced and layered your advice is.

[@MS-bs8dd]

Thakshila Jayasinghe I just found this channel and I agree

[@foothillgirl7989]

I am reliving my whole life through these videos and crying over and over. Where were you 30 years ago? 🤪

[@sherrygorman9083]

Amen! Amen!!!! You are not alone❤️

[@anthonysantacruz896]

I'm so fucked up right now

[@anthonysantacruz896]

I agree

[@popitzikaliou7]

Probably he was in school. Lol I'm kidding. Just wanted to make a joke. I hope you are well.

[@fembot521]

Even if you found him 30 years ago you likely weren’t ready! I read my first book on this in my 20’s and I am still learning 20 years later! ❤️

[@LadyLuck8_4]

I do agree that no contact has been exploited by the narcissist industry rather than be used as a self protective measure against genuine threats to a person. It’s often used as a way to avoid mature communication/avoidance of problems that are part of life.

[@BirdieHaze2207]

Totally agree.

[@ryancooley7537]

No contact to me helps one break the connection. People will look for an excuse to reach out instead of processing the emotions and letting go.

[@MichaelBroder]

Perfect timing. I just pulled the no contact trigger over the past week. It’s the right thing for me. In my case, he had already cut off most contact with me, and that was driving me crazy. I was acting inappropriately and sending inappropriate texts because of my own panic. That’s when I decided that I had to go no contact. In AA they say SLIP is an acronym for “sobriety losing its place.” In al-anon we say “serenity losing its place.” That’s how I felt. In order to get my serenity back I needed to go no contact.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I can empathize with this situation. You sound self-aware. Glad this video is helpful. Thanks for the reflections. If you're curious to learn more about drives the obsessive behavior then you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

[@rain3743]

I think I get the "benefit of the tool" of the sometimes necessary conscious contact. For me? It just kept me sick. I was a love addict , primarily, because I had no concept of boundaries. I needed to learn how to draw a hard and fast one and ENFORCE it. That being said, it CAN be a worse shock to the system. I guess we have to learn to do what does the least amount of damage. In my case, it hurt worse, short term, but helped, in the long run, overall, to be NO CONTACT. I think people should do whatever makes them feel less suicidal, based on the posts I've read here.

[@MamaMama-bx2ln]

How long did it take for you to overcome love addiction. I didn't know it existed until recently, which is when I found out I am definitely a love addict. I made an appt with a therapist and have an appt next week.

[@mystijkissler8183]

@@MamaMama-bx2ln Share what you learned!!! at the therapist appt.

[@Laura-sn8iy]

For me it is less the rejection but more the way it was executed. He looked at me in disgust and discarded me days after telling me what an amazing girlfriend I was. It just blew my mind and threw me into a state of absolute desperation. The idea that I was set up to fail is so hurtful to me that I still have to get to the bottom of it.

[@daisyroots8926]

Primal panic is where I am now..... emotional betrayal is enormous... he betrayed me severely. I won’t be able to trust a man again Thank you Alan- you are amazing x

[@evearcana2392]

How are you doing now?

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

Please don't exile yourself. It will surely take time and healing, but you can trust someone again. Try and realize, you just trusted the wrong person this time.

[@mystijkissler8183]

Alan, you are absolutely right on this painful, gut wrenching situation. Observing my ex since the breakup, allowed me to see a variety of perspectives; more information to draw from,.. Knowledge is power you know. It calmed my dark emotions, sick imagination, grief and eased my mind looping. Thank you very much for bringing forth your professional opinion on "no contact". I was exhausted from trying to stay "no contact". I needed to see with my own two eyes. I can't heal until I "understand" and Feel it true. It has to make sense to my brain, and then the pain dissipates in my heart-- then I can move on.

[@evearcana2392]

Hi, would love to hear how everything went? Was the no contact beneficial looking back? How are things now? Update?

[@samia6888]

@@evearcana2392 how are you doing now?

[@evelynavanti4201]

I'd not heard the term Primal Panic before. That's a perfect way to describe it! Feels like I'm going to die in that state, and like the only thing that will help is contact. And it's staggering how contact can instantly calm my nervous system dramatically. It feels like being a heroin addict and shooting up and getting so much relief... Until being back in contact is so painful again that I feel like I have to get away! And back and forth in that vicious cycle. Thank you for normalizing and explaining my experience. It helps to know it's not just me and that it makes sense. I feel like most people don't understand how extreme it is or how hard it is to stay away. And then I feel ashamed. I love that you reframe "live addiction" as attachment trauma. So much less shaming. Hard to know which is less traumatic: contact or no contact!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for sharing your reflections after watching the video. Glad it was thought provoking. You described the experience well. Going "no contact" can understandably trigger our primal panic. Good awareness on the back and forth cycle that can happen when trying to get contact and reassurance again. We discuss primal panic in the Improve Your Relationships Community sometimes. The community is based on Self-Directed Healing which means you get to create your own healing plans and we learn a lot through our discussions with each other. Start the conversation or join in. Check out the community: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@bp51082]

I really appreciate this info... I had been in several months NC, successfully, and it seemed to be going pretty well. Even in early stages of seeing someone new. But a rough personal event last week, realizing new person might not work out, then coming across prior person's just reinstated dating profile produced a far stronger reaction than I expected. Last night I might have convinced myself I should text etc... But I leaned into the emotions and was able to access some early childhood (emotional) abandonment trauma I had never really been able to touch before. And as you so wisely put it, the stuff with last partner is really about that childhood stuff and not about them. Dug into it pretty deeply, did a lot of crying and shaking, feeling a really great sense of catharsis today. Not done with it, but now in touch with it and moving through it. And I have pros that can help me. Thanks for your perspective!

[@katarzyna2478]

Thanks for the wise attitude.I experienced the trauma of "no contact" and intuitively cured myself by mindfull contact.

[@evearcana2392]

Hi, would love to hear how everything went? Was the no contact beneficial looking back? How are things now? Update?

[@meganh7872]

There’s some great points made here. I grew up and lived in a big city till my late 20’s. Often, I would never lay eyes again on a boyfriend, after we broke up. Now, after living in a small town for more than 25 years, I’d say it’s been extremely helpful to have to keep seeing old lovers. We learn to accept change, to get over the past and reorient ourselves to each other. That’s true of other types of relationships that have hit bumby roads, as well. We find ways to live peacefully amidst each other, despite disagreements or past painful interactions. Acceptance. Forgiveness. And not uncommonly, forgetting! Continued exposure to people, day in and out, actually causes my mind to forget some of the older chapters in a relationship and I’m just present with them today.

[@cynrrocks]

I am a person who learned about no contact through youtube videos and had to go no contact, put myself on it. At first to try to get on with, get over him, my breakup not to play games and it worked. What Alan talks about at 16:24 I did that with my ex bf a couple of years ago. I drove by his house and it was soothing in the way you describe THANK YOU for explaining that about the nervous system because I did not know the science/facts behind it I just knew that it felt soothing, comforting to see the car in the driveway, to know he was on his schedule. I only did it a few times at first when the break io was fresh because I used to spend everyday with him so when I broke up with him to have everything end so suddenly my daily routine with him etc. takes tome to get used to

[@Mikeh2077]

Stopped contacting my ex after she told me she felt it wasn’t gonna work out in the long-term. Not out of manipulation but so I can have peace of mind. Thing is, I still miss her like crazy. There was no wrong in her calling it quits, she was different than my other ex’s though.

[@anoukstarr5564]

I feel this. When I unfollowed my ex's social media it actively shut me right out. It made me feel extremely isolated. It didn't help me heal. In all that time, I remained obsessively focused, perhaps more so because now I could only imagine what he was doing in life. I have, once again, gone no contact and this time I've even blocked him because I have come to realise he was emotionally abusive so this time I am doing it for my own safety to prevent him from hoovering me back in. But I am in a much healthier place now and can go no contact without triggering that panic. I really did feel like going no contact wasn't helping me, was making things worse before. It's interesting to hear your perspective.

[@Megan6772]

I don't follow my partners on social media. I rarely post them on my socials. It makes these things much easier. I highly recommend it.

[@jenniferdennison8315]

I completely agree with this because when i tried to go no contact it caused severe anxiety and confusion in me.. the guily and shame and feeling like i had made the wrong decision or that was now going to create more problems ... I feel like breaking up with someone or dissolving a relationship you have been in for years takes time. . It takes time to truly feel emotionally ok to not speak to them or talk to them... and sometimes reconnecting with them can be the information you need to know that u dont want to continue the relationship.. otherwise you always will feel like maybe it would have been different... when u let youself have real experience you have real information to go off of...

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Yes, it's true, ending does take time after investing in a relationship for so long. Many of us didn't get to learn about the skills in ending well. I remember when we talked about this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It's great when others can relate with what we're going through and we learn so much from each other. Thank you for the insightful comment. Glad this video sparked reflection. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2

[@BeHisLikeness]

I've known the "origin" for almost 40 years and I still go through the same thing in my relationships... I'm soooooo tired of going through the same trauma over and over...

[@nicolej8502]

BeHisLikeness Could it be that you have misidentified the origin? I thought the same thing and have recently re-identified my origin and am starting to go through a grieving process which I think will lead to being free from repeat behavior

[@BeHisLikeness]

@@nicolej8502 it's possible but it would be from birth instead of 3 years old... it has to do with the feeling of being abandoned...

[@nicolej8502]

BeHisLikeness I totally understand. The one I just recently identified for myself is actually from birth, and a condition that was existing in my family and I was born into it.. which is why I think I never was able to identify it before. In other words, not a specific event, but more of family dynamic if that makes sense..I always thought my abandonment trauma was from things that I remembered which happened later, but those things didn’t quite fit right and identifying them didn’t really help me make progress. I think those things happened bc of the family dynamics and just made my issues worse

[@eh4235]

@@BeHisLikeness me too, I know and hugs, live in the now. This person wasn't there in the past ,is not mean for the future, and the most secure attachment we have, is ourselves and other new connections.

[@MeghanBean]

I love your delivery, very straightforward yet comforting. Truth without the ‘tell it to ya too straight’ness passive-harshness I’ve seen on similar channels.. like I can safely seek all the helpful info without the uh.. nosediving me into my 1st psychotic break baha?? 😂😭🙏lolz ty for addressing these tender topics with empathy :) Always nice healing without more hurt.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the feedback. Thank you for seeing my effort. Glad it brings benefit. Since this content is helpful, I also want to share in case you haven't already heard about it, you may also like to take part in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@nachannachle2706]

Wow, I never thought of "No Contact" under such a light. I assumed that not contacting someone was just a way to bring emotional closure to oneself and signal the end of a relationship. It seems that No contact can be, in fact, a protective wall stopping people suffering PTSD/love addiction from falling back into old patterns/habits that are destructive.

[@fantasiazplatkami]

yes, acting desperate, calling person , begging is a bow to self-esteem and makes one feel like sh*t

[@tgo376]

One of the best most informative videos/messages I have experienced to date. Thank you for the courage to sometimes go against the more popular sentiment.

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

Someone has to break the trend. This no contact thing has become a trend. I'm sure it's totally called for in some cases, but there's never a one size fits all for all relationships and all people.

[@lornaelizabeth6290]

What’s difficult is the push and pull- when you both have attachment trauma - but one is anxious/codependent and the other is avoiding but when the anxious ends it the avoidant comes forth and the cycle continues- I am a codependent in recovery and been doing a lot of work. For me I can’t do this dance anymore as I have completely lost myself prior- I recognise the pattern. I have in fact found myself in the same pattern again after a break up- but I have to be strong enough to get out of the dynamics ❤️ break ups are hard! But hanging on to the wrong relationships are harder and more damaging in the long term xxx

[@gogo-bi9qh]

How did you get out of the pattern?

[@dande_lion]

Thank you so much for this video! That is exactly what I'm experiencing, every time I try to go no contact. Sometimes it happens 2 weeks later, other times the same day. When I put his number back into my phone, my system starts to relax.

[@Kuutamo73]

I relate to all of this, at least for the past. I now see clearly why I behaved in a certain way. Strangley, even if it hurts to hear this - because it is so true - it is also soothing because that part of myself who endured so much as a child finally feels seen, heard and understood. Working on yourself always pays off. Great talk Alan.

[@creativesolutionstoart]

i am experiencing this to the extreme. its like we are stranded on an island together....no outside support and no contact. its only us and we dont talk. So lonely and sad.

[@evearcana2392]

Hi, would love to hear how everything went? Was the no contact beneficial looking back? How are things now? Update?

[@tashilongthorp2295]

I really appreciate the information in this video. It's unbelievable that, until now, I didn't realize how my actual physical being could be so involved in my emotional state. To realize that my nervous system can respond to an emotional trigger without my even being aware of it sort of "opens up" my "bubble" of being caught up in the panic and feeling of abandonment. It really underlines the idea that "what you don't know can hurt you." Thank you, Alan, for sharing your knowledge and insights. I am more-than-ready to learn to understand them.

[@Kirito_cole1224]

I’m dealing with a break up after a 2 year engagement and it’s really tearing me apart not hearing from her and not being able to text her. Regardless my feelings for her haven’t changed. I still love her just as much now as I did then. She was and is my first real love. I don’t want to go without contact because I feel in my heart that there is still a chance for reconciliation in the future. I just don’t know how to give her the time to realize that we are meant to be without losing her all together.

[@lunaava8668]

The problem with the decision of contact or no contact is it’s often being made at a point of extremis. If you’re moving to contact because you’re nervous system is so overwhelmed the chances of making appropriate decisions is by definition flawed. The idea that we can be soothed as a kind of emergency response by dropping a text or driving past our ex partners home is very limited. Going no contact is difficult, it’s a painful withdrawal however it’s much better to focus on yourself than trying in some way to relate to the ex. Far better to spend time with friends, watch some box sets and take back control over your life. I understand the argument but I think the chances of most people to have insight into this as a useful tool is limited when by definition the struggle is about attachment and needs and most likely presents in individuals with a degrees of ‘brokenness’ and poor self worth.

[@Missalexkennedy]

I have all this trauma. My partner of 5 years, the love of my life, abandoned me and my kids. I wasn’t given the kindness of being broken up with. I was told “I’m not going to talk to you anymore” no explanation, nothing. Deleted all photos of us and our family from all of his social media as though I had never existed. As someone with this trauma, with ptsd, and with bpd having someone do that triggered this times a million. I ended up in the hospital twice. Seven months later I still desperately want to talk to him. I think another large part of it aside from this primal panic (which I find spot on!) is I want to know I meant something to him.

[@sheeni8129]

How are you today Alex?

[@ancaaa008]

I cried 14 hours in my partner's arms after he broke up with me. It was really helpful. I felt like I can't survive that pain by myself.

[@emanspi]

I can truly understand where you're coming from. Stay strong as I am also going through a breakup :( Take care of yourself.

[@lala2254]

Not only are you extremely insightful, you also have a strong command of the English language and are able to choose the right words so that all is very clear. Brilliant! Thank you so much for taking the time to do your videos.

[@AM-mi9jd]

This method actually helped me move on. I got my answers that helped me clear my mind. I was driving myself insane and was tired of thinking what could he be doing. I’m still healing but my reactions are getting better daily.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Oh that's wonderful that you found some clarity of mind. Thank you for valuing my videos and the effort it took to create them. I'm glad this one is of benefit to you. Please considering showing your support for the value offered by checking out the Sustaining Supporter page to commit to a donation for my channel. New content and new videos are in the works. Thanks for the comment. www.alanrobarge.com/donate

[@adhdsuperpowers1257]

Your videos are just genius and life changing. Thank you from the bottom of my attachment trauma’d heart 🙏 💔

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

ADHD, thank you for those kind and funny words. I’m glad this one resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@julies1825]

Thank you for this... makes total sense and very helpful. Grief energy and the result of childhood needs not being met so self care, self soothing and self love is so important. I think the ‘no contact’ approach is for me❤️

[@Echoinblurr001]

This video deserves to be shared to every human who ever tires or tried to get over someone! As the saying knowledge is wealth goes, this knowledge is more than wealth!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my work. Glad it brings you benefit. This topic also comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@shruthireddy6075]

I went no contact with my emotionally manipulative and emotionally abusive, narcissistic mother in law after suffering for a very long time. But felt something missing even though I didn't need her in any way. Now that you have explained about the human need to be in connection, it all makes sense. I make a small talk when I bump into her and leave it at that, which is working well for me.

[@comentadoraification]

This is why I go no contact only once I feel ready for that, meaning that this decision must be deeply meditated, it takes weeks to be communicated and implemented, and we should leave the door open on one condition : certain things must have changed

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Sound and prudent negotiating. Glad you resonated with this video. I'm reminded of how we can never have enough conversations about primal panic. Thanks for commenting. If you haven't already heard about it, based on your comment, you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Educating ourselves about attachment dynamics is a way to be proactive in relationships.

[@anngelovalencia4833]

thank you for validating what I've always thought that maybe just 1 peek to be assured they're okay and the small happiness it brings helps let go.

[@cherylfarrington8037]

Just found you . You make sense and have helped me go from feeling confused and isolated to having more clarity. I'd love to be able to talk with you more personally . But I'm in Australia .

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Cheryl, I am glad you found my videos and that they are helpful in your healing work. I created an 8-week program of self-directed healing work to put healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look big picture at how attachment injuries and attachment trauma got set up on our lives we are able to begin to see relationships from a new perspective. We also gain access to inner resources that shift our relationship to the longing and suffering. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. If this is something that interests you, you are welcome to join us. We have community members all around the world and time zones do not matter at all! The community members are kind and supportive. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@irenageorgieva8011]

Brilliant! It’s what I did. You are validating my human experience, Alan Robarge! Thank the Lord for you and your work!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

So nice to hear you are finding so much value in this content. Thanks for letting me know. And since you liked this video, please share it with others who might also like it. Help me spread the word by sharing it via Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter. This will help continue quality content creation.

[@duchesspodcast]

It took me a year before I could go no contact with an ex who I just have a really difficult time letting go of. He was happy to be in touch with me. We both realized the relationship couldn't work due to fundamental incompatibilities, but I hung on too hard emotionally. Finally, after a year, I was able to actually relinquish contact. It was still hard, but doable. Like I didn't crumble. I had to stop the contact because he got involved with someone else, and it was just too hard to hang around and watch it. Maybe down the line I can touch base. So, there you go!

[@Rebecca-vt7rp]

I've been the one to end it and I'm still going through this

[@mystijkissler8183]

Wow, how when you ended it? Was it an ego type ending?

[@Rebecca-vt7rp]

@@mystijkissler8183 I'm not sure what you're asking

[@charlottebruce979]

@@Rebecca-vt7rp me too, I ended it and I'm still so in love with him and we get on so well but unfortunately he cheated on me by going on dating sites and talking to other women, then taking one to dinner. He is very messed up from a mother and father who abandoned him, and other stuff, very sad. But he was making me sick from his lies.

[@Rebecca-vt7rp]

@@charlottebruce979 well I can tell you this for sure, you made the right choice. I ended up going back to mines, he's never cheated not at all, infact he wants kids and marriage eventually but there's one big problem. We both have diff religions and it's getting in the way. I wish I could stay with him but now i'm at a crossroads again because I don't want to become muslim so I'm going to eventually have to leave. I don't have the strength to do it so right now i'm stuck.

[@HisaLight2mypath]

Me too. So painful.

[@TH-pc7iz]

I do like the clunky terms because they are defining things, Primal panic is something I heard here that I haven't heard before but it is good to know.

[@clambarn1218]

So kind and gentle. Thank you

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad you like the video. You're welcome.

[@jonsilence]

Thank you for such powerfully insightful videos. With all due respect, and I know you have provided admonitions, qualifiers and disqualifiers, I somewhat disagree with the “conscious contact” or soft-stalking strategy for the simple reason that such behavior, while immediately soothing, is really just another dependency-fostering fix in the obsession/addiction/deprivation cycle. Yes, this is a discretionary area, and a “last resort” practice which may be benign & workable for some, but counterproductive and maybe even significantly retraumatizing or dangerously re-engaging for others; it’s a pretty big roll of the dice. Having a sponsor/mentor/confidant whom one could call in moments of overwhelming grief, rather than engaging in cloak and dagger voyeurism via “conscious contact” is, I think, a much healthier and far less risky way to handle things. Keep up the great work Alan; you are awesome!

[@MsJennyhill]

As someone who's good at the soft talking, conscious contact approach, I somewhat agree. I start that way and our conversations have always pulled me back in so far, even though I'm pretty convinced at the time that its not. He ends up convincing me that he's going to work on his issues and I'm back in again. Let's see if i do it differently this time.

[@outofthegoldfishbowletcete762]

another great video. I guess it depends on the connecting person not being addicted to the ex. I'm not sure that contact won't simply postpone the adrenaline rush of actually splitting up because where you're addicted to the ex it's like there's no way to stop drinking booze by drinking booze. once that neural pathway is reinvigorated it could take years before you're able to try to "get sober" and many people never will

[@ruthstedtfeld4215]

I broke no contact (in an immature way, hoping to get back together). But honestly, though it postponed the grieving process, it helped me tremendously to get over the panic state. The panic attacks were huge before, I had the feeling of having to die, so so primal, it was terrible. After the contact the attacks went down in intensity and after several smaller contacts thereafter (which now have ended) I was ready for the grieving. At the time of the panic attacks I didn't know what they were about, I thought I went crazy, and I think now that my contacting prevented me of getting retraumatized, it was really the worst. I'm still in the grieving process, but the panic has gone now completely (also thanks to Neurofeedback).

[@outofthegoldfishbowletcete762]

Ruth Stedtfeld of totally agree and I had to do the same. it helped for me to have had a bit of space between my feelings and fear (seeing that IN FACT i slept better, looked better and felt vetter without him buzzing in my head all day) and what I had previously done ie jumped straight back in which suited him very well and ensured that nothing ever got resolved. I think no contact til I actually realised I was losing nothing of any true value worked for me because by then I was 99% ready to let go anyway. it was just that final skinny little thread that I had to snap.

[@MrDomonique3]

I'm practicing conscious contact. It's helping me let go.

[@mystijkissler8183]

It helps a lot.

[@iwatchvideos9187]

Can you explain more?

[@DaRyteJuan]

As you find yourself exiting a relationship it’s worth backing up to the point where you got into the relationship in the first place and evaluating why you went down that road. More than likely the relationship was doomed from the start. That can make it easier to get over. It was all a waste of time. Going forward, make better choices.

[@lynnekeyes9066]

Thank you so much for this video. The way you explain things truly helps me understand better than any other videos I have seen. I can't thank you enough. ✌️

[@gailrobey4316]

This is so helpful. I'm friends on Facebook with an old boyfriend. He's married. I would like to unfriend or block but have felt it would make things worse. This video helped me see why I'm going through the feeling that I can't live with or without this person. I appreciate the validation.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the feedback. Thanks for sharing that this video is helpful and thanks for sharing your experience.

[@wf4983]

That is some alternative and human approach! Very wise and pratical! You know how real people are...

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the kind words. Thanks for valuing my efforts to offer helpful content. Glad it offers benefit. If you like this video then you may also like taking part in the conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@AKayC77]

Thank you Alan, you are truly a gift!

[@noodilious1610]

Youre so nice to us about everything.....thank you really💌

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Appreciate the feedback. Glad this content is helpful for you.

[@davidchristopher407]

Very well put Alan!! Thank you for the validation.

[@annawolfe2706]

This is brilliant. I have known about this conundrum for years. Thank you so much for articulating it.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the comment. Glad my work speaks to you and thank you for valuing my effort. If this content is helpful then you may also like the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Take the quiz to learn more. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2

[@mireillelebeau2513]

I have no problem with no contact with your ex for the first two months of a breakup after that I longed for my old relationship as if it was the love of my life. Attachment trauma I guess

[@lornalockhart7731]

This is where I'm at, and its so difficult!! I so glad to I've heard this message because I couldn't express to others what I was feeling. I felt guilty that I couldn't be strong enough to just let something toxic go. But I'm know that I'm not strong enough to just drive by. I'm so addicted to the relationship and long for all the good times. My mind place tricks on me that the bad come along with it because he has such a bad habit of using manipulation to get his way. And I am just now learning how to set boundaries the I never learned as a child.

[@MikeJackson690]

How are you doing now?

[@evearcana2392]

Hi, would love to hear how everything went? Was the no contact beneficial looking back? How are things now? Update?

[@lsohweldfab6575]

Listen to it twice it's even better the second time

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the feedback. Glad you like this one. To dive deeper into the behaviors that surface in this situation you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.come/adrquiz

[@13thgenerationamerican51]

After 66 years and recently separated, I have finally decided that I should work a little to stay friends. He agrees. So we have been texting daily since Xmas. He recently came back for two days to help me prepare to get my house on the market. He may come back and put shocks in my car too. Then I will probably sell my home and move three hours away towards the mountains. Will we still be texting in a year? I hope so. I’m moving to a small city where I know NO ONE. The move was to escape our dynamic finally which was painful. He refused to move with me and I intuited that would happen (he’s a homebody and not intrepid). I jumpstarted the separation to end the emotional pain of our 8-year relationship.

[@johnf6267]

Careful.

[@jennifers4571]

Thank you! This really spoke to my situation and I feel validated

[@tonisiret5557]

Thank you for this video & your knowledge. I indulged in most of these behaviours last year, when the relationship ended. She text's me once a month, & I don't know why (since she ended it) but I can't delete her. Naming this behaviour makes it easier.

[@martycrow]

Good to see this different perspective. No Contact has become such a universal prescription that it's akin to a pharma solution to something much more complex and nuanced. "Go in Peace" should or could be an aspiration in the ending of a significant relationship. The honouring of what was invested, and the significance it took on, if not expressed, becomes devalued. A break-up, an ending, is the time when one or both parties wish to leave with dignity and self-esteem. If not wholly damaged, then certainly with redemption. Usually, one partner will 'discard' but once the 'discarded' partner can work through the stages of grief to the point of re-integration and acceptance, some level of contact - in the right circumstances and with the appropriate level of agency - can be very helpful in healing. The Buddhist focus on losing attachment is a useful starting point. The practice of Samata and Metta (tranquillity of mind and universal love - spellings vary) can help in healing and gaining strength. As Alan Robarge clearly says, it has to be the right thing for you and the form of contact has to be at the right time and in the right way. Have a good journey!

[@mtngirlbunny9290]

Thank you again....this opened the door to understanding what is happening to my nervous system....I need to now learn about this because I am so physically ill I can not function well.

[@prant8998]

If you are being abused, what is there to talk about? Talking, at all, is about compromise and understanding. To use an extreme example, if your partner is slapping you, even emotionally, where is the compromise? They will just slap you half the time? My GF would have abusive anger tirades springing up out of nowhere, always directed at me, so we compromise, and I get half of them? No, this is about boundries, and not being doormat. Pleanty of warning, dozens of breakups and humiliations, enough. Enough! I’m out there.

[@CeeP211]

Agreed 100%

[@robertkaufman3263]

Excellent presentation, Alan! I'm in withdrawal from my partner who I thought would make my life complete and ally my yearning for connection. I'm grieving over her, but it's more depression than anxiety. Like one of the comments I read below, I tend to avoid her so as not to deepen my depression if she responds with a statement that she's now with someone new, or doesn't respond at all. Either way, the pain, and some anger, is up for me, even though her love avoidant behavior isn't contributing at all to my sense of well-being. Just seems like my previous serenity flew out the window....

[@ashsqx3246]

Robert Kaufman have you read up about AVOIDANT ABUSE?

[@markw8139]

I've had to completely unfriend off Facebook. I've realised this keeps happening to me. I'm a 43 year old guy and I know my attachment issues are from Bullying at school, trauma that my Mother suffered and couldn't give me enough attention when I was growing up, her studying and holding down a day job, a collapsing relationship I could see crumbling when my mother was unhappy, which I could see, followed by my parents divorce. The intensity of my grief is ridiculous after a 3-4 month relationship recently. But I know it's because if those past issues. This person; I've told her she can speak to me in the phone anytime and we can stay in touch but Facebook was too "close". I keep obsessing, "was I too needy, did she lose attraction, wasn't I enough, what could have been". It's worse because she initiated the "exclusivity" conversation. The strangest part is I always get jealous of their friends, social life, the ability they have to be happy. I'm jealous, I always feel like no place is home, find it difficult to find friends and have a good social life...This makes the break worse. I'm now afraid to ever have a long term relationship. I feel I can only be "safe" with short term flings without that level of emotional attachmentIve decided I can only get over this with continuing CBT, making a rich social life, maintaining family relationships with brothers and sisters and investing in hobbies and purpose in work goals.

[@sz7689]

going thru the exact same thing. wish i could talk to you

[@jamiegregory6981]

I feel like we are the same person. Same age, bullying, mother couldn't give me the love I needed. After my marriage ended, immediately followed by another failed relationship, I was annihilated. The short term flings seemed to be the only sustainable thing as they couldn't damage me further. I do have a wonderful girlfriend now that is very secure but the wounds are still there. Addressing these attachment wounds seems like an insurmountable hill to climb. Thank God for people like Alan. I dont feel like such a freak after finding his videos. Glad to know theres another person out there with similar issues (you).

[@DJ_Flame_Jade]

I can’t believe how accurate this is …. I feel sick listening to this … you said childhood after I’ve wrote it c

[@sarahfrickel6204]

Thank you so much for your wisdom and knowledge... you've connected all the puzzle pieces.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Sarah, thank you for the supportive comment. I'm glad to hear that my work is of value for you. For more ways to engage or support this material check out these options: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community unity, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.

[@Mulattobeauty27]

Gosh I wish you could walk me physically be with me during this transition.... hard 😢😔

[@Lisarata]

I was in an emotional affair with an old love, that follows the pattern of codependent/narcissist, but I can't really tell who's the c/d and who's the n. The whole thing took the form of exchanged emails and ended when we realized we couldn't get together. This situation has caused me so much pain, it's driven me to learn about codependence issues in myself. What you're saying is so helpful. Thanks. I will sometimes send music recommendations to just say "I'm here." and he will do the same. It is not good for us. The pain returns, though, and reminds me to keep learning how to center. Life is so much better when centered.

[@missbitey]

Do you have any suggestions for those of us experiencing primal panic as a result of being ghosted and therefore cannot practice Conscious Contact?

[@Sandra.B]

I would try to sit with my pain, let it flow through me so it doesn't get stuck and comfort my self by talking to myself and give myself words of compassion and reassurance that everything is ok and I'm here with me, that I deserve love and I love myself so much, and that I won't let myself alone. Then I would write in a piece of paper a list of all the things I could do to get in touch with that person and then another list of why it isn't a good idea to do those things... then keep it and read it everytime I feel tempted to do anything... Practice deep breathings, presence with yourself and words of self reassurance, that's all your inner child needs...

[@cherylfarrington8037]

I could watch these all day long and just absorb..

[@Misslotusification]

The incongruent energy comes from the pain-body.

[@sheaturman4746]

I love listening to all aspects and angles of what Alan brings to the table!

[@regplate2923]

I am going through a divorce and after 4 weeks apart we started talking. I am very sad the marriage is over but in truth we weren't happy. Covid lockdown brought it to a head. I hope I will always be able to be friends with my spouse. he is a bit distant on the phone but I believe he thinks I want to reconcile. I don't any more. I do love him to bits though and I can't see that changing.

[@ThePurpleCosmos]

thank you so so so much for this. I fell in love with my friend, and he didn't quite feel the same way, and we tried no contact.. it lasted four months, and that was 5 years ago now, and so much confusion and pain has happened since, but because of where we were in our lives and not because of any abuse. Still, I had this reaction whenever things got hard and I considered losing him. It would rock my entire body and the pain would be so overwhelming that i would stop being able to breathe, and this video is so validating as to understanding what happened. Your videos are so helpful in my situation, with him and with my painful attachment injuries of childhood. Thank you

[@cheapishlyexpensive3476]

Purple Nebulae was it ever a sexual relationship?

[@autumnjmo]

Alan would you make a video on how to grieve with an attachment wound when you’ve been ghosted? I was by someone I deeply trusted and it’s taken almost a year to get over-lots of flashbacks and insomnia. I think it’s very common in our dating culture and even with friends!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for watching, Autumn! My empathy goes out to you - I know how difficult and painful being ghosted can be, and especially if we're ghosted by someone who we trust and were close to. I would agree that it is very common these days, and it is an important aspect to discuss when talking about modern day relationships. Please submit your suggestion or question for a video at this link: www.alanrobarge.com/questions Along with this, if you'd like support from people who understand what you're going through and the feelings and thoughts you're experiencing, I recommend looking into my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. It's a membership community where people come to discuss, learn, explore, grow, and heal their attachment wounds. All of the members are supportive and kind, as well as dedicated to their Self-Directed Healing Work and encouraging one another. We'd love to have you join in the conversation. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@valshelby7307]

Mine was mental and his silent treatment is what really got me confused?

[@ashsqx3246]

Val Shelby look up regarding AVOIDANT ABUSE silent treatment is a form of avoidant abuse

[@HistoryAnonymous]

Very clear and helpful. Thank you for sharing.

[@cherylfarrington8037]

Your delivery is beautiful thank you for these free vids

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Cheryl, Good to know the videos and posts are helpful. I am glad you benefit from the effort and time investment it takes to offer quality content. Please consider becoming a sustaining supporter with a donation. Making a contribution supports the continuation of more quality content. While the videos on KZbin are "free" they still require a great deal of time to shoot, edit and process them. When I hear from appreciative folks like yourself I am glad for the ability to offer them free of charge. If you would like to continue to see new content published here, please consider a donation at www.alanrobarge.com/donate or join us in the community conversation at www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@douglasmiller1212]

I just discovered your videos and I'm so puzzled why my therapist has missed all this. My brain just listens to you and goes, "Yes, yes, yes, that's it, exactly, OMG of course ..." Thank you for your videos. As for "no contact", I would love to kindly say my piece (perhaps in writing), try and clear up misconceptions, be heard, and be understood However, if I break no-contact she will likely, as always, discount my feelings and observations, frame herself as the victim, and try to shift the blame entirely on me. Closure versus safety from manipulation is a tough choice. It's doubly hard to get over someone when you're reminded of them every morning, when you take a valacyclovir because of the "gift" they gave you. ...

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Great awareness. I hear you, these can be challenging dynamics. I like your words "closure versus safety." Glad my work speaks to you. Thank you for valuing my effort. If this video is helpful then you may also benefit from the conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

[@suematrunola2583]

Well said and very clear! I appreciate your work and your videos.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for valuing the effort I put into offering explanation. Glad my work resonates. Please also share this video with friends who may resonate. Help me spread the word.

[@woodzycon]

Thank you in my story you are a hero ❤

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the kind words. Glad my work brings benefit. If you like this content you may also like taking the Relationship Quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2

[@225lilmoma]

Very practical information and you're addressing things that aren't addressed in other support resources. Thank you! Also I'm trying an all natural adrenal vitamin in an effort to help regulate my hormones, fight or flight, etc. So far it's helping with exhaustion at least. Could help others🙏🏻 I'm taking Thorne adrenal

[@fantasiazplatkami]

Hi. I listened to your video with interest. 3 weeks ago i stopped contacting the guy. It's very hard to keep this on , I many times had the urge to drive by the guy's house when I was in his city but i resisted it. I wish to contact him but I don't because I got badly rejected by him and I dont want to humilate myself. The guy was very mean and admitted himslef he has no empathy. I'm struggling with myself every day as I miss this guy physically but my common sense says "no" to trying to contact him. It's all very exhausting. I agree with You that i just miss the feeling he gave me, love and excitement i felt to him:( If I met someone new that i liked, that would end my suffering, but I tried to meet other people and liked none of them. Tough situation.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad this video spoke to you. Thank you for the comment and for sharing your experience. It sounds like it can be challenging. Wishing you self-gentleness.

[@John-ew2cb]

My ex of 15 years/ selfish / controlling all time in a 24 hour day unless they want their down time ... never having the opportunity to speak to her has left me crushed /. Abandonment is the empty feeling that has taken me over ever sense moving out of 8 years ago ... I’ve watch her be with anyone but me ... Trying to keep some self respect ... I’ve let her know that this is not how I meant for our marriage to end ... God please help me forgive myself for marrying the wrong person !

[@sz7689]

feeling so abandoned after a five year relationship that i gave my heart and soul too.

[@marinesolli4476]

You are wonderful. Can't thank you enough for all these videos.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for the supportive comment and for valuing my videos. I am glad to hear you receive benefit from my work. Please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution, checking out my course, and/or joining us in the Community. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality content. Click on the links to learn more: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.

[@timothygenaw2199]

Thank you. Everything you said corresponds with what I have been going through.

[@crazylittlepartytifs]

what a great video, thanks as always! 💟

[@tinkerbellUK]

Everything I tried did not work and the negativity directed at me, about me really gave me depression. It was toxic and unfixable. I left and went NC - it was hard and I had to draw my own conclusions- which I had to do anyway

[@desideriathur4794]

Hi 💚 I am in this exact space, but I don't think I have the bounderies to not tell myself that narrative. If you cant really do it then, and that is too painful to Imagine almost, what do you do to try to help your BURNING nervous system? This was the most helpful video so far! Thank you so much! Really so much.

[@bellakrinkle9381]

Hello Alan. OMG this phenomenon of AT is so huge and complex that it effects us all so differently. My experience is that wholeness likely will happen when we can experience the feelings that connect with the point of origin...which IMHO is the parental relationship. And YES! I'm still living in my dead mother's apartment and have her ashes on my bookshelf "memorial". LOL. So I do get these ATs even though they take different shapes and forms. I don't really know how to react to the possibility that I perhaps am someone's surrogate attachment...but since my issues have been almost all resolved and can now stand as a free and independent woman, I would like to assist anyone in their healing process. However, my main focus these days is detoxing my body of GMOs and becoming whole in body, now that my mind and soul are in sync. Peace to all.