When People Tried to Help Me, and Why It Didn't Work

When I moved to New York City in 2018 I had no idea that I would go on to have a psychotic break that would ruin my life. And along the way, I became The Nightmare Roommate™. So this video is about that perspective. Of what I did and why I did it. Because trust me, I did not do any of it on purpose.
I actually had no idea it was happening, and that’s what this video is about.
Schizoaffective disorder episodes wreak havoc, especially when they happen before treatment is obtained. Psychosis (specifically hallucinations and delusions) and negative symptoms (mainly avolition for me) can really mess you up.
But the world is not always accommodating even when you try your hardest. And that’s the brutal reality of mental illness.
Mental health awareness in general is great though. Let’s keep going in the right direction!
Hopefully this gives you a new perspective on the whole “nightmare roommate” situation, at least for my case.
Enjoy!
My Psychotic Break PART 1: • My Psychotic Break PAR...
My Psychotic Break PART 2: • My Psychotic Break PAR...
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Disclaimer: I am not a qualified mental health professional. This channel exists for educational purposes, and I do my best to provide accurate and up-to-date information. In order to create content, I combine scientific resources (peer reviewed studies and easy-to-understand articles) and my own personal experiences/advice. I seek to make complicated topics easy to understand, but I am no substitute for a doctor, therapist, or other qualified mental health professional.
#schizoaffective #schizoaffectivedisorder #schizophrenia #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #bipolar #bipolardisorder #psychosis

[@BenefitsofBipolar]

This is just a perfect description of what it is like living with a severe mental illness. These two parts just hit me the hardest; You can't force a rock bottom and so often we have a lot of them before we seek help, and you're right about the lack of a perfect ending. I got some of those relationships back, but have a few people I really miss and know it was my fault and have to accept it. You put it perfectly, thank you Kit!

[@genesis631]

I know everyone wants to make sure they hold themselves accountable for their actions, but how the fuck are you supposed to when you're dealing with a psychotic disorder? It's why I prefer being alone or with trusted friends. It means a lot to me and I'm sure so many that you share your experiences like this. You're amazing.

[@AlexEdwardsMusic]

I watched all of this, and I'm sorry to hear about your lost friendships - it's a common theme among Sz'ers. Thank you again for everything you do for the Sz community, mate.

[@SchizoKitzo]

Thanks so much for following along!

[@AlexEdwardsMusic]

@@SchizoKitzo No problems, SchizoKitzo!

[@lydiajernman]

I'm so tired of having it, not to mention because of everyone has found out about it. We share the same mental diagnosis with the woman on these videos. Don’t expect people in my homecountry to understand or accept me especially well. I'm now 49, I've never been married, never been in the long-term loving relationship either, right now I don't have any friends, feeling dissatisfied and unhappy in my life, living under the poverty line on social supports. Things don't look too great for me in my future. Now the times are very, very bad economically overall and we are close to The World War 3. It'll really take time to get on my feet again and I'm quite old already starting to be. I don't get any therapy for quite some time now, I can't afford it. The public sector of the mental health care in Finland hasn't helped me a lot just lately. Would be better if people like me were never born. At least I haven't been bringing the bad DNA forward, I don't have any children.

[@aleksandracatt]

I’m paranoid schizophrenic and I feel similar as you. But I somehow don’t care anymore idk. I just live day by day.

[@userxyz783]

You are more relatable than 99% percent of the people I have encountered in my life as I share your experience due to living with schizophrenia as well. Lydia you have compassionate eyes! They radiate compassion. I can see that through your suffering you still smile although you don't need to and sometimes may not feel up to it. I hope you look back at the positive experiences in your life with joy and that the tough times are tided over with love, care, and support from friends and family. Although I am not similarly situated in that I am a younger person who is a millennial, I too have schizophrenia. I have never been in a long-term loving relationship and sometimes I wonder if I will ever have a companion! I rarely go out socially and mostly talk on the phone with friends or anonymously on the internet(due to some irrational fears and adverse experiences in the past).You are not alone! Someone somewhere feels that same pang in their heart. You said you are from Finland! Wonderful! Wonderful! Wonderful, I finally have someone with whom I can talk about my love for Finnish cinema with in the hope that they read it. I especially admire Finnish actress Kati Outinen. I have seen several movies almost 5-7 from Finland, mostly directed by Aki Kaurismaki. I find the movies unique in many ways and they resonated with me during the worst parts of my illness. It provided me a healthy and safe escape from living in an industrialising country with poor conditions to see the sights of a Scandinavian country! With icy landscapes, ports, taverns that play rock music, and quirky characters traversing life through the working blue collar class! I am all praise for movies made there and I find the Finnish language not too unpleasant! I am willing to sit through hours of such movies happily reading the subtitles. They are very well directed! From the few people I saw in the movies, Finnish people seemed beautiful and tall and although they may seem not too expressive at times but have excellent humour , and a matter of fact way of talking! I am full of love for you for your incredible disclosure tough as it may have been. This is a safe space to share. I really admire Kitzo's channel for this serendipity(happenstance/chance occurrence) that I could read your comment. Thank You for sharing. P.S. The world is full of strife and it sure seems that it is heading towards conflict, but I admire world leaders like Trudeau and Biden who head major democracies and I hope when it matters they take a stand to eschew violence.

[@lydiajernman]

@@userxyz783 I love Kaurismäki films myself, too, great movies. Or like we say preferably in Finland, I like them a lot. I like your comment. I get the feeling I could like you as a person.

[@philipglenn3425]

I feel the same. I haven't even been diagnosed with a mental health condition but I definitely have one. The mental health care in England is dreadful 😢

[@kinzhe83]

I had similar experience when I was briefly in college. I had constant barrage of disputes and quarrels with two out of three of my roommates, which ended up in me being allowed to switch dorm. I was so delusional that I was "right" and they were "wrong", whereas I was the one acting pretty darn weird and borderline manic. I hope those guys are doing ok now, I can't really say I feel guilt for having them go through "me", as it was my first manic episode and I wasn't medicated at all, but still, if I was to meet them again I'd at least try to explain myself. Come to think of it, "I" might have been one of the lessons they got to learn from college experience. Nice video Kit, best of luck

[@SchizophreniaSurvivor]

This was an excellent video! Our world needs to hear the complexity of psychosis and how to help those suffering from it. You give amazing insight and encouragement in this video. Thank you and be well.

[@SchizoKitzo]

Psychosis is immensely complex and these illnesses are so much more than hearing voices, just to start. I’m glad my story helps! It was hard to film and edit but important to get out there. Gotta make the uncomfortable comfortable!

[@Eltigre1013]

I'm really happy I found this video. Almost this thing exactly happened to me. I moved to New York to live with my best friend and his partner when I was 19 and everything collapsed almost exactly as it happened to you. I didn't leave until I had become so ashamed of myself that I couldn't bear to stay anymore. I lived there for over 5 months. By the end of the first they started to lose patience for me. I had the only psychotic episode of my life there. My friend didn't want to have to make sacrifices for me because of my mental health and I couldn't accept it. I thought that I would be able to get better and fit in, and I thought that people were seeing my improvement, but it was all in my head. It all ended in a horrible, heated outburst that left me numb and tore away my soul. I thought that I was a certain kind of person, and that people saw me a certain way, and it was so traumatic to have that safe delusion ripped away and be presented with the horrible, ugly, unbearable truth. It destroyed me, such that I feel that I withered and diminished into something lesser. I'm so much better and wiser now, and I think that in a way it was what I needed, but it cost me my closest friend and my naive hope. Before I had seen this video I had never heard anyone say that they also had this experience.

[@youneke]

Mental illness can be hereditary. I come from a family that is 90% mentally ill, but rather that schizo they suffer from NPD, which from a 'roommate' 'co-worker' perspective is the worst. Like you said, only rock bottom can change people but they will never change if they do not think they are the problem. Rather it is easier to see everyone else as the problem. I moved out and life has been so much more at peace and resigned to the fact that the majority of my family will die with severe mental illness. There is no hope unless that individual first accepts that there is a problem.

[@gckinsey]

This was a really great (and emotionally wrenching) video. I think the perspective you showed here is so important for helping people living with severe mental illness as well as their loved ones. The way you described your psychotic break coming on and your dream falling apart was heartbreaking. Especially the fact that you didn't recognize it for what it was at the time, so there was no way you could've known to get help or had the tools to avert it. (And of course that explains why your roommates weren't equipped to help you either, even though they tried.) I'm sorry you went through that, and I'm glad you eventually did get the help you needed. And I'm glad you've now learned how to recognize your symptoms before they reach that point. When you said "you can't make someone hit rock bottom - they have to do it themselves," that reminded me of situations with loved ones where I could see their rock bottom coming, but couldn't do anything to stop it (whether it was from mental illness or something else like an abusive relationship, addiction, etc.). Now if I see someone's rock bottom coming, instead of trying to stop it, I just try to support them until they do hit it themselves and reach out for help when they're ready. Definitely an important lesson for everyone, whether you're the person hitting rock bottom or the person providing support, and I'm really glad you included it in this video. I also love how you said that even though you can't make someone hit the rock bottom that drives them to get help, help is still possible. And that what kind of help works will be different for everyone. I know you said that your former friends will always think of you as the "nightmare roommate," but I wish they could watch this video and see what things were like from your perspective. Even if it doesn't change how they feel about you, I think it would at least help them understand. Thank you so much for being vulnerable enough to share this story. I learned a lot from it, and I think it's going to help other people learn a lot too.

[@SchizophreniaSurvivor]

Thanks! Our collective humanity needs more people like you and my son Stephen. Thank you for moving our world forward in such a positive light! Be well!

[@SchizoKitzo]

Thank you so so much for the support! And kind words. I appreciate you! Stephen rocks and I’m so glad he’s sharing his story (and all the struggles that come with it). I hope that one day there are lots of people like him and I. But for now we gotta keep moving forward. Thanks again! (And congrats on 600k!!! 🎉)

[@kulupu_ijo]

Hot damn, how much money do you _have?_

[@mjlove6574]

Thank You so much for this video ❤

[@lindotimo]

I am the son of a schizophrenic mom. She also visited New York and worked in Rockefeller Center, she came there with huge expections, but was sent back to Finland due to a nervous breakdown. - So I am familiar with this topic. - I think you have made a marvellous job as you have made these videos!

[@SchizoKitzo]

Thank you so much!

[@horizonblack6503]

Delusions are tricky. I still believe mine, on an emotional level. I have to use logic to shut it down.

[@SchizoKitzo]

It’s so hard to fight them even when I know they’re not real. I can’t not believe it, but at the same time I know I shouldn’t. It’s a weird spot to be in.

[@horizonblack6503]

@@SchizoKitzo Exactly

[@CamboTriton]

Very well said, as always! Thank you for another great video ❣

[@nerdysociologeek]

This was very interesting! Thank You for your introperspective! 💚

[@Voltchip]

Thank you so much for sharing about this painful and vulnerable time in your life ❤. Before I got sober, I destroyed some very important relationships. It makes it worse that I was in a mentoring role with some of them and really let them down. I’ve grown a lot since then I pray, but, like you, I have to take ownership of the things I did. That’s part of how I stay sober. I’m glad to know I’m not alone.

[@SchizoKitzo]

Thank you for sharing some of your story as well, makes me feel less alone too! It’s a frustrating place to be in to know things got messed up because of sickness, but I think realizing it and figuring out what went wrong helps us in the future so history doesn’t repeat itself. Thanks again!

[@timothywilliams2887]

I got stuck off my meds in anasognosia and really screwed up a good marriage. We had a good thing going until my delusions came and ruined everything. It hurts that she won't accept my apology after I've recovered.

[@robertobetorob]

Great video!

[@jamesdougall2886]

don't assume that your roommates will forever think of you as "that girl" that screwed everything up. Let's be clear: you did absolutely nothing wrong at all, and your highly eloquent description of the events leaves no doubt. Your friends were there at that time, for a reason too. Some part of their own path was tied up with yours, and there was a lesson for them in what happened. As they go through life, I'm sure that at some point they too will understand better, and let go of the judgments. They should actually wish you well with an open heart, and ask for your forgiveness for their negative behaviour at the time...which is also something that none of us should judge. Things. Just. Happen. Thanks for this beautiful video Kit.

[@SchizoKitzo]

Thanks for your kind words. I sleep at night with the hope that one day they will understand, but also knowing they might not and I just radically accept both of those things as outcomes. I’ll never find out and that’s okay too

[@jamesdougall2886]

@@SchizoKitzo yep, fully agree...you can't change it, so just totally let go and wish them well with an open heart. Well done.

[@roberttravers7587]

Great video!😁

[@nikicarrie4071]

I couldn't find your videos or name for the longest and i wss so close to crying. I love you ❤️

[@lisatomihiro3488]

Have you talked to them since leaving New York? I think this is true both of mental illness and addiction. I am glad that you eventually figured out what the problem was.

[@SchizoKitzo]

I have not and never will again lol they’re gone.

[@Ron-kw9tn]

@@SchizoKitzo are we missing something, what's funny about that ?

[@lnvalliencia3440]

This. Was. Powerful.❤️

[@SchizoKitzo]

THANKS MOM

[@LJ-jj5vn]

Such a good video!

[@SK-wc3hs]

Those things that you sayed are so relatable. Even thought i have different diagnosis it took me to rock bottom before i know that there was something that i should do something about. I was 24 when i got fired from the workplace at that time. I really liked that job, but they were not happy with my ressults. When i boss at that time told me that i do one thing and then another and forgot the stuff that i was supposed to do was heart breaking. Half year after that i got diagnosed with adhd and that solved so many things with my life and now i could live my life better. Still at this day i have anxiety that will i fuck up things again. Sometimes i feel like no one understands me and sometimes i complitetly forgot my symptoms. I also withnessed something pretty bad last year and got ptsd from that event. Sometimes you also thing why these things happen to me. Why me?

[@BenMiles-c3u]

Sorry you have to deal with this, thank you for sharing

[@haphazard_traveller]

people have also gotten extremely mad at me and taken very personally the things i say when i am in extreme mental distress. like when i told my aunt "no one except (friend) has really been able to help me" she took that as me saying "you personally have never done a single thing to try to help me" but she also has bipolar so maybe that plays into the misunderstanding. i just feel so desperate to rid myself of the 24/7 chatter of voices, i can't cope with life like this and i truly am in awe of anyone who can! i am completely disabled (work-wise and i can't drive more than 1 hour at a time) from this and it's like, where do we go from here? i've never been well enough to live on my own or with roommates so that's really impressive to me that you've been able to do that ever in your life. it also took me 19 years to get my bachelor's degree! i guess it is what it is!

[@damnablethief]

I have been bullied over my psychosis. Im about done man. Sick of the threats and shit ya know...like i will protect myself. I keep showing people I am the wrong one but theu don't seem to get it. The fact is someoje is going to kill me and they will probably get away with it...

[@damnablethief]

Idk like I can't take the rumors and death threats anymore. The voices are constantly telling me to kill myself. Therapy is a joke, meds aren't workng. I have gone from being financially successful to barely maintainong a job..like I am done. And I have to worry about having to protect myself from stupid people. Idk just done with it..

[@freekpeet]

@@damnablethief Take care, wish you well

[@damnablethief]

@@freekpeet thanks for that

[@freekpeet]

@@damnablethief You got it friend

[@userxyz783]

Hey!!! Don't be hard on yourself. I understand there may be feelings of guilt for actions during psychosis. It does take away agency. I don't think you should "take responsibility" and say that I did those acts which you find offending or difficult to reminisce as they are not prosocial. It was the illness and it is horrible! I did some horrible stuff when I was psychotic, I did have run ins with the law and had intrusive thoughts and there were command hallucinations which robbed me of my ability to control my actions. But due to my mother's love and blessings I did not commit any act that I can not face upto now that I am well presenting. I had low self-care and had few cognitive skills and horrible negative and positive symptoms. I lived in a fugue for months and hardly went out to eat and only occasionally took bathroom breaks. I bore the worst alone in a room I had near law school. I understand it may have been difficult when you had people around you. I also had my neighbours take me to a hospital and law enforcement call my parents because I was loudly talking to my hallucinations. I was a law student who had everything going for him! Iwas in my last year of law school. I was living in erotomanic fantasies which were real due to my psychosis, I never acted on my delusions but in the moment, I felt they were real. I forgive myself for all that. I learned about my disease only years later when the worst of the disease was being controlled part as a natural course of the disease, part due to neuroadaptation, neuroplasticity, social support and family and close people and carers! Thank you for sharing god knows your videos are therapeutic but I guess I want to say is YOU never hurt them ! The illness needs care and understanding and treatment and prevention. You were very much a sufferer, I am not saying relinquish all responsibility for all your life during that time but a balanced approach would surely be nicer!

[@wjbkjay23464]

I remember some of the hard starts myself when I was young. Parents were determined to have me go to college but I was already having panic attacks in high school. Actually went to work on a farm instead. I think it took my parents years to get over it.

[@jaydearien8624]

It’s great that we have the societal knowledge and technology to combat mental illness. However, the way mental illness “works” looks like a kind of systemic shutting down or “checking out” rather like exist at all levels of the organism, eg, there are lots of genes and processes at the cellular level that literally say “we’ve suffered a radioactive or other insult and we need to hit the self-destruct switch before we hurt the rest of the organism” and these switches and mechanisms exist and cancer researchers study them. Having said that, bipolar and even alcoholism may be “adaptive” at the group level à la “we’re going to lose this war or miss this product deadline or whatever unless one individual can step up and not sleep for weeks at a time, talk a thousand times faster than any of us, have visions, steamroll over social conventions, etc, until we ‘win’ even if that person burns out and dies or is burned at the stake once it’s all over.” The Joan of Arc effect. Then there’s what I call the “there aren’t enough tigers” effect. Tigers eat the stragglers, the sick, the members of the herd who “just aren’t getting it” but there aren’t enough of them, they’re busy, they can only eat so many, and if there were enough tigers around to get the job done, it would probably be Really Bad. Hence, I theorize, the individuals do this for themselves. Something clicks, and the self-destruct mechanism is set in motion. One isolates, alienates others, neglects self-care, even commits suicide. That may be the source of the feeling of being so utterly trapped, but at the same time as if nothing is specifically wrong, as such. That may be a useful description of what one is going through in struggling with a mental illness, or trying to intervene or treat someone, as well as why “hitting bottom” is so crucial, and so heartbreaking to sit by the sidelines waiting for it, and why so many tend to “gallop through the gateways of madness or death” before they reach it.

[@bertmobile]

my diagnoses are different, but what's happened to me is that i've gotten into states where i lost sense of value and worth in anything and made horrible decisions. once in particular, a spiral of paranoia (thoughts like "this person doesn't really seem to like me" turned into "there's a chance this person could actually hurt me right now") led me to lash out at people i had once considered friends and accuse them hating me in a relatively public setting. i knew i was burning bridges, but i just didn't really care. throughout that whole situation (which lasted maybe a couple hours) i was also actively pondering what would happen if i killed myself. i didn't try anything thankfully, but i genuinely get scared of myself at times because i know how i can get, and i don't want to ruin my life in the heat of the moment. strangely, right after i calmed down, i had some of the most relaxing hours of my life. emotions are weird. this was a couple years ago, and i've gotten more stable, but i'm still scared something will come and fuck up this relative peace i've established.

[@schlejer]

I think you are too harsh for yourself. You couldn't know that you had the symptoms. Have a nice day! :)

[@SchizoKitzo]

True but I still have to take responsibility for what I did and the consequences that come from it.

[@davidchilders2437]

I went through something similar when I was at Michigan state university. I had to move back home and go to a commuter college. I got my degree but it was really hard.

[@user-vk4mm9so7l]

Dont worry, kit, i used to be a bad roommate too, but now i am on my medsso i am a good roommate.

[@Voltchip]

Thanks!

[@SchizoKitzo]

Thanks so much voltchip! I appreciate you!

[@WWS322]

I thought my roommates were trying to get me down.

[@BlueRayStarseed777]

I hope I will never have to live with someone like that ever. I can imagine that it made your flatmates life hell! Hope you are taking medicine or seeing a professional! At least you eventually found out that you were the problem and taking responsability for your actions!!! I believe in Peace Respect and not crodding boundaries in any rekationships in general in my world anyway!! Why should anyone have to put up with less that that?!!! And not mentioning Karma is a b.....! Hope you live alone and are treated, you still sound strange, I sense some aggressivity in your voice! As far as your ex flatmates, I hope at least you asked them for forgiveness!!!

[@rhheaaldduummontte5132]

So I have to take my pills now, I’m eating more food like chubbyness wow, perhaps to much beef from the moo cow, your cute as a kitten meow, to rhyme everything is my vow

[@xronald619x]

Im isolated a hermit and it doesnt bother me at all i am comfortable in my own skin i got God which is the only thing i need

[@ronnybe7994]

These stories, somehow, can not be accurately retold Even today you're not 100% sure what went down

[@elizabethbarmann5361]

❤️🙏😔

[@tinarob6796]

So, what did make you finally seek help? My son does not believe he has a problem, but he is bipolar and refusing to get help. The problem is everybody else in his mind.

[@SchizoKitzo]

The short version is things weren’t adding up and I noticed this. I plan on making a video soon about it tho, so stay tuned!

[@rainygreene9161]

Are you still in NC?

[@SchizoKitzo]

Yeah!

[@rainygreene9161]

@@SchizoKitzome too!!! I have been in other states but I like that in NC we can we between the mountains and the beach!

[@professorJorge11]

Hi

[@trevorphillips9576]

Yeah I really identify with this. It ruined my relationships all around me and now i dont talk to them even though it kills me. I havent talked to them for like ten years. It really sucks.