When the helper child grows up

[@verseau8360]

One correction: we helper children don’t do it expecting to receive “love”. We know early on that this is laughable and unattainable. We do it to reduce rages, fights and chaos. The only real source of love we received came from our cats and dogs. Still true to this day.

[@hopegrable]

Absolutely. It was just to keep the peace. To keep our siblings safe. I hope that you are happy, healthy and doing well, Verseau.

[@oliveoil4380]

This.

[@heatherprescott7]

Not cats and dogs I’ve other people but love comes from within for myself. Love is something that I believe to cultivate and everyone has different love languages.

[@katherinejones1046]

Agree

[@DJBenito304]

Wow 😲

[@tapestrylove2770]

Spot on! I was the helper child. Huge people pleaser and it did a number in attracting those who use you up and then discard you anyway. When I started having boundaries now in adulthood, you don't hear from anyone anymore because they can't use you up. It's lonely but peaceful. Hurts though because as an empath I truly cared about those I loved but they couldn't care less about me.

[@francescaspencer1700]

This is exactly how I feel... I've lost more People since setting boundaries learning to say no... I'd rather be lonely and my children be happy than feel that horrible feeling of worthlessness by his presence alone

[@dorisbove2210]

I was the ultimate helper child helping two narcissistic abusive including physically abusive parents and two narcissistic sisters they all had me do things including adult things that were so harmful to me causing the start of my PTSD and anxiety this went all the way to my adulthood causing me to lose everything I earned and work for in my life now I got my deseased mother's second husband in on the abusive,explotive bandwagon it never ends no matter what you do or any course of action you take including getting to the point of getting a restraining order

[@realhealing7802]

I got the same story. No one really loved you in a narcissistic family system. It's all about what you do for them. I am better off alone than being used and abuse by toxic people.

[@dmatos7706]

Been there, done that and got the tee shirt 👕😎

[@eaf888]

i get the lonely. the trade off is worth it for our inner peace

[@glenndeacon5196]

I felt grief when I listened to this session. My childhood was lost because I spent my time taking care of two alcoholic parents, and sibs. Every day I cleaned up the vomit, broken glass and sometimes blood after their fights. My mom made me her little "psychologist" listening to all her emotional problems. If I didn't clean the house, the dirty dishes, laundry and filth would pile up. If I didn't cook, we didn't eat. I lost a scholarship because my drunk parents wouldn't go with me to sign the forms. I was an exhausted, anxious and depressed kid. Why didn't any teacher or other adult outside the home ever notice my distress? No one intervened. God, I hope that is not the case today with distressed kids not being noticed and getting help. As an adult, I tried to fix, manage and control everything and everyone which drove me to therapy and selfhelp programs. Today I have very strong, healthy boundaries. I am not responsible for anyone else. I help others only when I choose to do so, not because I think I must help them. God help the kids everywhere today who are being abused and neglected. Parenting classes should be required training in our schools.

[@sfc5774]

Glenn, This is profoundly sad. My heart hurts for what you went through. I’m so glad you found your way out of this and have created a “boundary based” life. I hope the rest of your journey is peaceful and calm. Keep taking good care of yourself. You’ve done enough for others.

[@cynthiarussell-wu891]

God Bless You! You are so strong!!!

[@natalieparker3187]

I feel that. I also had to sit for hours, listening to my mother blab about her problems. And I remember thinking, why is she telling ME this?! I’m just a kid and this feels icky. And I had to sit in her chair right beside her, fetching her sodas and breathing her secondhand chain smoking. Keep healing, friend. We survived it.

[@vincec.202]

That's so heartbreaking. I grew up with an alcoholic father and left home at 16 because of it, but it wasn't nearly as bad as your situation😔

[@seabreeze4559]

its domestic slavery and we need laws against it

[@autumnrose5779]

I would like to add that being the helper can also extend into doing emotional and mental labor for your parent/s. One of the ways I was a helper on top of being a house maid was helping my mother and father emotionally regulate, like a parent would with a child. When they would get worked up i would help them calm down and reassure them everything was alright, and then I would help them problem solve their issues. I started doing this from age 5 onward, obviously getting better at it as I got older. Emotional guidance and problem solving and managing the adults self care may not sound the same as physical labor, but I'll tell you what it's just as exhausting and stressful for a child. I did all this stuff so much growing up that I'm eternally burnt out now and have to put a lot of effort into carving out time for rest and healing for myself. Emotional and mental labor is labor. And to anyone who was this kind of "helper", you are not alone!

[@barb403211]

I identify completely with your comment. I think that’s one of the reasons I struggle with the idea to have children. My husband really wants a child and I have a hard time explaining how I’ve been a caregiver/emotional regulator for my family that I just can’t do it all over again. Thank you for validating the roll it takes on you.

[@nadinejohnson3438]

Yes! My mom used me to talk with my dad when they were fighting. They were unable to talk with each other and I was the “translater”. It became my life to be home around the time my dad came home from work, watching for signs of a fight to start so I could calm emotions.

[@ciliciaging4991]

This has been the most relatable comment to myself I’ve seen so far.

[@lbcfield]

Exhausting. It hurts like something heavier than I understand pulling down from the inside. Beating anything that should be used to feel. Bewildering. Confusing. Hearing the laughter that comes from lying about me to anyone who will listen feels like an especially rusty blade to the stomach. It's that little smirk though. That's the spit shot on my face that says, "Here, taste the indifference."

[@fenixrise1272]

I’ve been in the same role my whole life. Now my mother is living with me because she’s older and acts so helpless and frail, constantly upset and demanding my emotional support without a stop. All this is so exhausting. I want to scream or cry

[@eatplaydecorate]

I think a lot of adult helper children are learning what a complete waste of time it is to look after the needs of others. Thank goodness it's about freaking time. We so deserve better and really need to turn it inward. Thank you all for such great feedback.

[@terrancemcclendon456]

Its a waste because its never enough

[@eatplaydecorate]

@@terrancemcclendon456 absolutely

[@BigTroubleD]

100% It’s a waste of time and effort.

[@ngwatomosadi1531]

40 years gone , so much opportunities, so much money and energy

[@songs4thesoul]

​@@ngwatomosadi1531 that's is a long time but it's never too late to put yourself first. I discovered that I make myself do these things out of blind choosing. If I can change believe me so can you. Give to yourself everyday and first.

[@MaureenWHamblin]

I was a parentified child! I was the cook, cleaner, babysitter and my mums “therapist”! My narc mum used to future fake and say: when you are a mum with your own home I’ll come and help you! 🤣🤣! I have 3 kids now (one is only 14 weeks old). my mum recently came to visit and did nothing! She slept in till 12 noon most days!! I left her to herself! I looked after my kids and just got on with my life as if she wasn’t there. She left within Four days 🤣🙌🏿🙌🏿🙌🏿

[@CJ-CANADA]

My sister is my 1st narc. She too came to stay with me to 'help' with my last child. Same deal slept all day, drank all night with my shift worker partner. They got along so well that they had sex on my couch while the baby and I were sleeping. Didn't find out about it for 10 years. The partner? A malignant narc. the child and I left 490 days ago and I'm lucky to have survived the relationship.

[@MaureenWHamblin]

@@CJ-CANADA omg CJ!!!! I am so sorry that you went through that! That must have been so overwhelming!! So proud of you for leaving and for thinking about you and your child!!!

[@deborahgregory4596]

Wow. Sorry, another broken trust issue 😔

[@lynn2551]

My Mom is similar. Lots of hugs!

[@deborahgregory4596]

Good attitude..but it didn't help me much. The hurt 😞was worse..one hurt after another leaves a hole in your heart.No one can even begin to "get it"!!!! 💔 It's hard to ignore the truth..MY OWN MOTHER DOESN'T LOVE ME!!!!

[@spookymachine]

I call this 'the Cinderella child' I was a Cinderella child. Now as an adult, I'm super independent 👍

[@vincec.202]

That's exactly what I'd tell my ex..."I guess it's Patty Cinderella time, she's on the phone." when it came to her sisters or her mother. Mom was the royal queen(grandiose Narcissist) of the LARGE family. I'd watch all of them scampering to please her and nothing was ever quite right or good enough. That's the only time they called her...to come serve.. 😔

[@aBatwoman]

Rapunzel for me as well. I have a chinese water dragon lizard 🦎 Mother knows best.

[@victoriarooks784]

I think I was a Cinderella child too! I've been called that by my mother

[@E1LTSaves]

My ex boyfriend used to call me Cinderella. Go figure! I am the same, extremely independent and I stay away from people who are needy because I do not want to be "the doer"

[@Janicesaheed]

Gosh I always feel like a slave like Cinderella, in my household.

[@amandamitchell9359]

This was my role growing up and into my adulthood. I finally stepped back 5/6 months ago and just yesterday my brother called telling me I needed to do more. That I needed to help more like I used to because of age/ability. He believes my therapy was all brainwashing and that I’m a bad person now for setting boundaries. I wish people could understand how much we’ve already been through and how hard it is to put ourselves/mental/emotional health first.

[@micheeleforbes4734]

To Amanda, you must understand that they just don't care, it's who they are. 😔

[@lauracamellini7999]

Yes they actually started calling me crazy when I first stepped into a psychologist lab. I did it to counter their bullying with strategies. Please go on, build your strategies against their accusations, your life will bloom... And remember they get used to strategies, you need to guard your weaknesses as Ramani says

[@l.ameenaa4669]

Perhaps tell your brother that you're not coming from a good space right now. Just ignore him.

[@rodneymolidorjr.6095]

Your brother is so wrong!

[@sandymi9329]

I so understand this. I was vilified by my younger sibling because I finally stood up for myself and said I would NOT take on any responsibility with the narc mother's care. She refuses to inform of anything related to her now that she is the poa. That is fine with me. Enjoy.

[@shannonhamlin4938]

Was and have been “The Helper” child. I stopped once Mom and I got into a fight and she said, “I wish I never would have canceled that abortion appointment.” That was it. It hurt so much and so deeply that I moved out the same day, and haven’t considered it home since. It’s been difficult to understand and grasp that I can’t do anything to “make her love me” or to see that I’m valuable, while also understanding that her inability to see my value is not my fault. They do a number on your head.

[@sharonboehm5296]

What an evil comment from yr mother. That’s would have really hurt. 💙

[@notyourfrind9415]

Same with me. The abortion thing had been thrown in my face throughout my life and ignored it. She also once blurted out that she contemplated leaving me at the hospital and not claiming me. I cut ties with her after she said she hopes marriage ends up like Helen's marriage in "A Diary of a Mad Black Woman".

[@Dynamic_heart]

I just got this. You are a valuable person. The way your mother treated you is her poor behavior. The way I dealt with my mom’s criticism, and her way of wanting me to feel bad is first, I realized it was to be manipulative, second I realized she felt bad about herself, so she was jealous I had a fresh life ahead, finally And this was the hardest thing to learn is not to take it personal; she had the poor judgment to treat me the way she did. And that behavior was her weakness. After she died I did grieve the loss of not having a loving relationship with my mother. In my final stages of grief, I felt bad that she couldn’t appreciate the gift of having a kind daughter. I also took in consideration that when I was a baby she would have had to provide me with care in order for me to grow and have a life. It is confusing, but I am the person with strength and compassion for others. I did have pain. I realized I can have pain and accept that her behavior was about the life or mental instability of herself. And I wasn’t responsible for that. I learned to move forward in order to have peace and happiness in my life. You are a special person, and your mother’s poor behavior is not your fault. I hope that you have discovered not to take her mistakes and terrible comments personal. God bless you, and may God guide you to a path of peace and happiness. Hugs 🤗

[@paularyan8400]

Truly horrible. I am so sorry for your experience 😔

[@farahhazzard-IloveConcerts]

Definitely been there!😞✌💗💡💯💞 We still don't talk. It's been 11 years. She'll take it to her grave before she'll ever trully love me! It's MY MOM, It does hurt!🥺☹😪😭😠😡😩....MUCH LOVE...

[@linata6112]

I’ve become my mother’s therapist from the age of 5. I had to listen to her problems and absorb all the pain without ever having an opportunity to experience my own pain. All my life I was trying to succeed for her because she’s convinced me that it would solve all her problems. I HAD to help her. As a result, I had no sense of self until the age of 30. This is when I had a nervous breakdown and couldn’t explain what was happening to me to a therapist. I had no concept of me being weak. Breaking down was just not an option. Thanks to my therapist I’ve realised that I didn’t have a normal childhood. Up to that point I lived with so much suppressed shame and fear that I couldn’t acknowledge the fact that my childhood was not normal. My mother of course turned away from me when I had a nervous breakdown. I’m 42 now and still recovering, but I’ve claimed a lot of power back by allowing myself to heal. Some of us, unfortunately, are not meant to be in touch with our family as adults.

[@AJ-bu4yv]

Sounds similar to my childhood

[@katejo9663]

You are not alone.

[@silviapisces3342]

Same here😢

[@realhealing7802]

This is my story. Constantly working for love. I finally quit. This narcissistic family system will never change.

[@yasminenasser-rafi3696]

It's interesting that a helper child as an adult does not have the help of the parents when needed. They don't offer help when asked. And as a child, the helper child never has anything done for them to make them feel special at birthdays, or even for their wedding. Special events are not celebrated by parents whose only habit is to be served and not serve. 🤔

[@dnk4559]

Oh my gosh, this is soooo true!

[@UrsaMinor9010]

I told my parents I couldn't take care of their issues because my life was a mess right now. We haven't really talked since. Asking me how they could help was never an option.

[@kata3492]

My goodness, did we have the same parents? I relate all too well to everything you said.

[@seabreeze4559]

that's domestic slavery, the law needs to be adding this type of exploitation onto the books

[@yasminenasser-rafi3696]

@@seabreeze4559 it's human nature from the time human beings were created. Some have learned the lesson. Most have not.

[@leegorringe5580]

When I was about 10 years old my narcissistic father would insist that every Sunday morning scratch his back i would sit cross-legged behind him in my parents bed and have to pull up his pygama jacket and scratch his fat back for what seemed to me like ages until he was satisfied. My mother would serve him coffee and then leave. I now realise that she was quite happy that she didn't have to do my job. I can still feel the discust and anger when I write this. What made it worse when years later I told my Therapist about it Her answer which I'll never forget was "your father really needed tenderness didn't he?" The above was the top of an iceberg. Just like Dr Ramani mentioned I married a narcissistic man where I to his delight and also reason he married me continued the pattern. Today at the ripe age of 85 I am writing a book about all this Knowledge is power and having learned a about narcissism very much from my daily doses from Dr Ramani I am working on a book. It feels so right to turn something so sick, toxic and nasty into something constructive. If I through this my book can open one or two women's eyes to what two toxic parents egotistical behaviour can cause in an innocent child's life I feel I have turned things around and it feels so right and good for me.

[@lisax23]

Forgiveness is the beginning of your healing I found and letting things go .

[@maryrichardson6029]

Thank you for sharing.💕

[@AsadAli-zo8vq]

Bravo ! Bravo !👏 you will open the eyes of many with your book . Congratulations dear one. ❤

[@lovewhitey2027]

My student who had similar situations with her creepy dad ( while her mom was at work) ended up abusing her it was awful Many of us knew at school But what can you do she was 19 it was college.. I pray she is healing 🙏🏻💔

[@dorotheemackenbach4808]

Wishing you good luck and success with your book!

[@Lydia-kay]

You just described my entire life up until the age of 34 when I decided enough was enough and went no contact with both parents. My only regret is not doing it sooner.

[@brynne77]

@Sam Maybe they don't. From what you describe, it doesn't sound like they have enough character to recognize your good intentions, which is a real shame. But all of US On this board certainly can! Sounds like you did an amazing job taking care of yourself and your nephew. Good for you :)

[@baptizedbychrist9976]

I’m 36… I’m finally going no contact

[@Valentina-Steinway]

Please don’t criticize your parents so harshly. You didn’t walk their shoes and maybe you can see the good that came from your experience. There is nothing worse for a parent trying to keep her family together, to hear how bad the child’s life was growing up, especially when you know they enjoyed that life, and there was no narcissistic behavior going on. Call your parents. They don’t live forever.

[@princessprincess8855]

😂😂

[@rosemaryclarke2348]

GOOD FOR YOU!🥰

[@jaanarajahalme7045]

I was a helper child. I continued this role in all 3 marriages, all of my exes were narcistic / Aspreger's. Not anymore, now at 62 yo I'm living for myself, and it feels so good!

[@sharonprather9188]

68 and finally learning and trying to find peace rather than "helping" everyone else.

[@lynnedavis4819]

me too. My Mom, now laughs and says." You never wanted to take care of your siblings." Of course not. That was not my role as a child, of 7.

[@merrynethery5853]

Me too!

[@DonnaChamberson]

Yay. 👏 Good for you. That means there’s hope for me, too. ❤️

[@NONNArc66]

Same here! Thanks for sharing.

[@littleninnie]

After being for 30 years a surrogate parent and after leaving that toxic environment, I've realised that at 30+, I have no social skills. Nowadays social anxiety has become the monster under my bed.😟

[@fiction589]

You have all the best social skills possible, you just need more practice in dealing with healthy people! You can do it!!! Learn a little bit every day, be kind to yourself, and you will see how quickly you will fit into any new social group you want to be in. Just select wisely. 💕💕💕

[@stillwaters7730]

Please talk to God...YOU ARE ALL THE GOOD THINGS YOU WANT TO BE...ALREADY. YOU ARE NOT STUCK, but its a process indeed. It does get better and it's worth the effort bc it's all about your healing. OUR healing, all of us. You're worth it!

[@mannatay]

Be kind to yourself. It takes time to adjust to life away from toxic people and to learn how to trust again.

[@rodneymolidorjr.6095]

me too! We can do this!

[@theseeker4700]

You are probably the best person to hang with, having given so much of yourself to another person, just have to believe it and love self more, which can be hard for people like us.

[@lolac8210]

I became the helper child because meals weren't cooked until after 11 PM, the house was a mess, and my two little brothers were left alone for hours and hours, to make up whatever of the situation. I felt like in the twilight zone. And if I was in the kitchen, at least my two narc parents weren't fighting in it, blocking access to water. My mother seemed so beaten up as well, constantly complaing about how hard is everything, I felt really sorry for her and wanted to help. And of course, she had a long term plan of belittling me and my achievements in the hopes that I will choose to go to a low grade college in my home town, stay around and continue helping. It did not work. And she can be sure I won't lift a finger for her if she'll need it when she is older.

[@Nitya-r86]

Kudos for choosing a better life! We all deserve so much better than narcissists.

[@daniellatan9016]

I dont think both your parents were narcs; one mustve just not known better and react. I know because i was victimised and before I knew better not to react, I looked like a narc too.

[@anaphylaxis2548]

@@daniellatan9016 Telling someone this is gaslighting. They know their situation better than you do.

[@bristolcorvid8894]

If you weren’t in this relationship, it’s not your business to decide who is and who isn’t a narcissist…

[@floxendoodle942]

I’m so sorry you had to endure this as a child.

[@MariaNI-yf1bz]

"The only way to be loved is by doing" This is very much the case when growing up in a narc house..you have no idea who you are and completely abandoned yourself in the process when becoming "the helper" and so on. No bounderies, no self awareness..no self love. You think that the only way to be loved is by pleasing people. Thank you dr Ramani.

[@marthamoreno1539]

💯 the problem was we never got love even after abandoning ourselves, it was never going to be enough… so saddened by this truth but also grateful for this insightful information, I prayed to God to give me the answers to change me and this video is huge!

[@josephineherra5659]

This.

[@OjitosChiquititosmaquillaje]

I’m glad to see here how common my childhood is for many people. Unfortunately, but glad I’m not alone. Parents that just used their children for their convenience, and see their children as little adults.

[@alyshatree8427]

The narcissist makes slaves of their children and only gives attention and love to control their children. To watch a child in the helper role, their siblings calling the helper “mommy” and not the narcissist is telling. A narcissist doesn’t have the empathy to parent.

[@hippopolaxe]

You have just made a very clear summary of the childhood I had!!! Merci Madame Ramani 💛🍋

[@greenmantis99]

The way I see it manifesting in adulthood is that I help and put others before my own needs without even realizing it. That's the biggest hurdle--noticing myself at all. Then I can begin to advocate for my needs. Today I actually turned down a request because I knew I needed a day of rest for myself! Believe it or not, that was huge. And not only did I decline to help, I didn't feel guilty! I am enjoying my day. :-) Thanks Dr. Ramani. Your empathy is such a wonderful gift to all of us here.

[@jacobsed6665]

Amazing! ❤️

[@5Demona5]

I applaud you. I still feel guilty doing things for myself. I admire your strength!

[@lynnedavis4819]

Good ! It is such a good thing to put your needs first.

[@jodirose922]

Way to go !!! That’s a great start of noticing yourself & your needs & then standing up for yourself and your own needs!!! You’re learning !!!! 🌸

[@cindydavis3676]

I was both the Scapegoat AND the helper child! Ugh! I’m 60, and started learning about all this about five years ago. Just now learning to drop as much of this trauma that I can! I’m one of 5 and had a terribly narcissistic abusive mother! Love learning more from you too! OMG…this whole video is my life 100%, and yes, I was the one who was the main caregiver before she died of Alzheimer’s! This is crazy how all you’ve said has been my life to date. I’ve learned a lot and am much better now…not completely healed, but we’ll on my way!

[@Greeceismygoto]

I was the helper child as I was the only child. However I had step siblings in and out of my life quite a bit. I’m 60 years old and just learned about narcissistic abuse and what it was. Never heard of this word or CPTSD. I was all of these things in this video. Still trying to go gray rock with my parents. I went no contact for 6 months and was very happy. Unfortunately they are very elderly and need help. It’s not right for me to ask my kids to help them. So I’m sucking it up for now. I often wonder what my potential could have really been in life.

[@valenciakeller1828]

Me too

[@Blackbeltbty1]

Me too!

[@cwayzums]

Thank you for addressing the helper child in a narcissistic family dynamic. That was my role and no matter what I was doing, whenever they asked for my help, I literally dropped everything to help them. Now as a happily married, stay-at-home-mom of two, you can imagine the daily workload that goes on in the house, but whenever my husband would ask for my help with something, I automatically stop what I’m doing and attempt to tend to it and he says, “You don’t have to do it right now. Do it whenever you find the time.” Then I kinda just stand there and think, “Oh, I guess I can do that” and return to whatever I was doing before. I’m very lucky to be married to someone who isn’t a narcissist. Side note: When I informed my parents that I was getting married, they told me that my future husband’s family was just interested in using me. Now I see why they told me that and needless to say, my narcs will not use me ever again.

[@francinebacone1455]

I think my sister was a 'helper' child. I felt more like the scapegoat. I've always noticed that she was never allowed to be herself as much as I seemed to be, (mind you, my 'self' was labeled as rooted in maliciousness, but I knew at least I could successfully put up a fight sometimes). I am sad at how much I've seen her struggle to deserve love, not changing herself (like I might) to be worthy, just really muting herself. I hate when my parents still try to pull some weird expectations on her, I feel she owes them nothing, really, -nothing that she wouldn't already be comfortable to freely give. I couldn't 'get' why she was like that when we were young, then I accepted it was her way but felt sad for her, now though, I think she's really getting to know herself and I am very happy for it. I tell her when she does something cool how "that's SO you!", and I try not to let any sibling rivalry get in the way of her finally saying a big FU to relationships that ask too much. I am so lucky to have her as my ally. Its taken so many decades but we are healing in our own ways.

[@conroyburke4225]

I had to watch this twice! I identify with this helper child. I tried to keep the peace, be the confidant, be the housekeeper, protector, and mediator of divorced parents. I am so dumbstruck right now. I knew I was the good child but this is a whole other level of illumination. Thank you!

[@melloc7618]

Same. Grappling with it all right now.

[@cijmo]

This may as well have my cousin's name on it. I've seen the outcome ... eventually, it created a very strong and independant woman who emancipated herself in a very big "ENOUGH!" way and, as everyone here knows, is the one who is being 'difficult' according to her immediate family - and her extended family (not on our side, on her mother's). I often feel bad because, growing up, our side had NO idea this was going on. We knew that her brother was the golden child but didn't realise she was Cinderella and the one to run around and make sure everything is okay. We know now!

[@annatarraran1289]

Dr Ramani you have nailed it with this video! , I was the “ helper child “ and didn’t walk away until I was 48 , I came to realise I wasn’t loved for who I was but for want I could do for family members , walking away was easier than I thought it would be as I there really was no loss , just more time to love and nurture myself 🦋

[@recovered4life]

Thank you, Anna Tarraran, for this share! I am almost 48 and gearing up to walk away. I live in my childhood home with my sick father, who is 83, and I am his caregiver. It snuck up on me and it's like a vine that has been entangling me slowly over time. This father of mine, who has no interest in me having a life of my own, is happy to have me live here as a "constantly available, unpaid, personal assistant" while he gives my brother money every month (for just being the Golden Child, I guess). THANK YOU FOR INSPIRING ME to move out and move on with my life. THIS IS HARD STUFF and I need all of you!! (Thanks Dr. Ramani, too, OBVIOUSLY!!!!)

[@susangalligan1821]

@@recovered4life That is my life also.

[@KH-nq1dv]

@@recovered4life I can relate. The overwhelming vibe of- if I'm not happy you can't be either. You put you first. You deserve happiness and peace. My heart supports you!

[@slavicakaraterzieva3257]

Lucky you. I tried to get away at age 19, 26, 38, 47. Still here but not giving up on the idea. I'm 48 as well.

[@brittneymeador9079]

My sister was the helper child. She was the oldest and we grew up in a household not only of a narc mother but a narc mother with extreme drug addiction. She’s literally the reason we didn’t starve, we made to school, the sole reason until we were adopted that we didn’t get taken or separated. If not for her and our grandmother adopting us, I don’t think we would’ve all survived. Not only was she the helper she was also the golden child. Extremely successful in school, sports etc and is now a successful nurse, in fact the most successful person in our family. I resented her as a child for doing what she had to, but as an adult I am extremely grateful for all she did for us. She was only a child herself, only 13 or 14 when we were saved, so she held that role from an absurdly early age. She still is seen as the fixer in our family and the poor thing is constantly having to mediate, come to our aid, and just in general be the authority and reasonable party. While she is still very susceptible to my narc mother’s tactics, and as the scapegoated child I do at times feel she is an enabler, she just wants to keep things on an even keel and make sure everyone is thriving or at least okay. She always tries to give people the benefit of the doubt and see both sides, sometimes to her detriment. Even so, she is one of the strongest smartest women in our family and I adore her. Going no contact with a lot of my family has been hard, and I have even had to go no contact with her recently, I have decided never to blame her for acting or reacting in a way that she was taught at such an early age. We all were and are currently being manipulated and abused by the same mother and I am one of the only ones to go no contact and am moving 200 miles away to escape this dynamic. I feel bad that she can’t get away from it too. I know what stress it causes her to have to bear the burden of this immensely fucked up family.

[@asamicat8323]

Stay close to your golden sister

[@brittneymeador9079]

@@asamicat8323 I try. She can be an enabler sometimes though and I really don’t do guilt trips.

[@BigTroubleD]

As the people pleaser older sister that was never appreciated by her younger sisters, I want to thank you for your gratitude. That’s all I ever wanted from my younger siblings but I just grew up to find they expected me to keep being their punching bag. I threw the role away and now they have no reason to talk to me. But it’s all good because I have my peace.

[@brittneymeador9079]

@@BigTroubleD my sister kept us alive. The rest of us were all just surviving but she was keeping us alive, fed, clothed, and in school. She should never have had to and I’m grateful she did.

[@hannaandfey]

I was that older sister to my siblings. When we grew up at least one of them said to me that she was grateful and wanted to take care of me but it was only words. My siblings have hurt me as adults so we have no contact now. Growing up with narcissists damage the family so much that sometimes it can be healed. Especially if everyone won’t do their part. I broke contact with my mom and step dad longe before my siblings. Now I struggle with not taking care of other people and have balance in my relationships. Getting better

[@shar6507]

Growing up, I thought it was obvious that I was a second mom to my sister and assumed that my mom appreciated it. I remember changing diapers and making bottles at the age of 7. I was shocked as a young adult when my mom denied that it all ever happened.

[@dnk4559]

That’s what these parents do.

[@baptizedbychrist9976]

The classic narc gaslighting

[@breannaneville4332]

Yep, same here! "I let you change a couple of diapers so you would feel included." Uh, I didn't know a "couple" meant MOST of the diapers for several years?

[@edennis8578]

Is 7 a magic age? That's when my mom one day stood me on a chair and made washing dishes my job, and that woman could use every pot and pan in the house to cook a meal. I was the caretaker for my younger brother and sister. I had to clean the house and do the laundry on Saturdays instead of going out to play. I was isolated from almost everyone my age growing up. I went to school, but I wasn't allowed to spend time with other kids outside of the classroom. When I left home and got married at 18, she got a dishwasher, put my brother and sister to work, and started taking them on vacations that I never had. My sister thought I did go. I reminded her that I was married by that time, and I said, "Look at the photos. I'm not there."

[@Notmytoe]

Same thing happened to me!! I was a little older... my sister was born when I was 9. But I did change her diapers and take care of her a lot. But everyone denies it. How do I know how to change a diaper then? I dont have any kids of my own 🙄

[@terrikhat2]

Me me me! And I am still doing it even though both my parents are gone. I do it at work and routinely work above my pay grade doing things that are outside of my job description and then I get disappointed when others get promoted over me and try to take credit for my efforts!

[@lovewhitey2027]

Stop 🛑 Just stop ✋🏻.... Print your job description and do the bare minimum You cannot buy back time... Your emotional health is Everything... Watch the movie 🎥 George Clooney Up in the air - great life lessons with bs jobs bad partners etc... it will enlighten you

[@verseau8360]

Omg me too!! So unfair. Time to stand up for ourselves.

[@marthamoreno1539]

Maybe go above and beyond if you absolutely find joy and love in what you are doing but not for validation and promotion. That will lead to resentment. Something i’ve had to learn I go above and beyond for my clients but I’m self employed so it changes things. Boundaries so important

[@sparklemotion8377]

I love how dr Ramani rocks her grey hair!

[@rodneymolidorjr.6095]

she is gorgeous !

[@MouthyPrincess]

Right!! My white hairs are multiplying fast..

[@mastermihaela]

Gray hair carries precious wisdom ❤️

[@winsells8527]

major confidence I love it .

[@MariaBelova]

Seeing her with gray hair makes my decision not to dye my hair ever again even firmer

[@procomxt]

"children exist to serve their parents " was what my mom confidently said when I asked her why she couldn't manage most things on her own . People like my mom are really the origin of transactional relationships . She calls it love ,but I sincerely doubt it.

[@alyssadelozier2]

That's exactly how my mom sees our relationship - I was born for her and her only. Thank you for summing it up so specifically and it a short manner that now I think I can explain it to more people without reciting them a whole essay.

[@vikinggoddess2126]

My husband did something similar. She's the oldest she has to help. She's the oldest she has to be responsible for x,y, and/or z. Really disturbing was "she's the oldest. I don't care who she's with as long as she has kids and carries on the family name". That still bothers me.

[@jennarollyson4107]

I've heard that one too

[@shadora]

I took to helping until my narc let tongue slip and expressed her long-standing hate towards me. It was a light bulb moment for me. I realized that it was never about chores, that I could never do anything to make my life better. And I stopped trying. Best thing I've ever done for myself ...

[@ItsAnOldCroneLife]

Wow, this just triggers so much, because there is so much pain in my life attached to this. I grew up being taught that, yes, I had to earn love by doing for others; otherwise, I was nothing. My mom would go between shaming me for normal human things and insist I was who SHE said I was; and then because I was the one who'd be nice and docile, she'd call me her "good girl" with this sickeningly sweet smile, because I was doing things to make HER look good or for HER. My mom had kids so she would have built-in supply for life. She never wanted us to leave, but she especially never wanted ME to leave. I remember 2 horrible memories regarding this. First was when I was 11 - we were supposed to go to the beach and have fun as a family. That's ALL I wanted growing up - to have a happy family that did stuff together. But my dad would get drunk and my mom would get angry... and then turn that anger on US kids. She would direct her rage into a need for controlling us through cleaning. She told us that if we didn't clean the entire house, we wouldn't go to the beach. (Oh, and we weren't allowed to EAT, either. This was another big thing with that monster - it was either, "you can't eat until this is all cleaned" or "you're not messing up my nice clean kitchen by eating" and once or twice, it was BOTH.) So guess who started cleaning furiously? ME. I cleaned that whole damn house quickly because I just wanted to go so damn much. None of the other kids cared. Well, then, after I got it clean, I was so hopeful that because I cleaned, we could go. That was what she'd said, right? Well, suddenly, she decided she and my dad were going to go somewhere themselves, and "if we didn't get all the blankets on the beds washed and dried" by the time they got back, we couldn't go. I KNEW this was impossible. It would have taken HOURS to do that. Fucking HOURS. I felt defeated. I realized at that moment I'd never please her. I took some of my dad's heart pills (with no idea what they were - just that everything hurt and nothing mattered and I just wanted to die) and because I had an empty stomach, it hurt. When she got home, my sister told her what I'd done (because she, unlike my brothers, actually cared about me and didn't want me to die - my brothers were as sociopathic and cruel as my mom). Instead of taking me to the hospital, they went next door for epicac to make me throw up. Nobody was ever told what happened, and nobody ever apologized to me. I went to an aunt's for a week (which was the happiest week of my life because I was in a quiet, non-violent place), but I went right back to the abusive place where everyone treated me like a leper. (It wasn't the first time they'd done this, either - she gaslighted me into saying my dad molested me at a younger age, and then suddenly decided to change her mind and act like nothing happened, telling others behind my back that I was crazy and made it up myself, so I was never vindicated for anything - because of course, I simply didn't matter enough for that. But I sure as hell mattered when it came to making sure things were DONE and CLEANED and making HER look good.) The second memory was when I got a letter saying I'd been nominated for a possible scholarship by one of my teachers. I had at least 2 of these for languages. I remember going to my mom because I was so damn proud. Instead of being proud, she got ANGRY. She insisted angrily that I could NEVER go to college, that I could NEVER afford it. The truth is, her plan was for all her kids (especially me) to quit high school and stay home to help HER. She just killed again any hope in me that I'd ever get anywhere, because the monster selfishly saw me as existing just for HER. God, even in my late thirties, I HATE this woman. I ended up going to college DESPITE her years later and getting my GED after I left school with the belief that I'd never be anything anyway because of her words, but I had to get OUT of that damn house by living with abusive men. I never got to learn a normal way of living life and had to climb out of all that abuse by going through MORE abuse trying to be a "good girlfriend" and "good wife". That just made me narc bait. By now, I'm finally not doing for everyone else and have cut a lot of strings from others. But my whole damn "helper" role has just re-emerged in my work life. I do EVERYTHING at work and because this kind of mentality leaves you in menial roles rather than professional ones, even with my education, I don't know how to navigate a career or sell myself as a professional. I simply take on the "helper" role and work on the lower rung. One thing that hurts horribly is that I had a boss who I believe was probably a narc herself who passed me over for a slightly higher job, claiming I didn't have "customer service skills" despite the fact that my helper attitude got me nothing but praise from customers. It felt exactly the same as when my mom didn't care that I'd done all the cleaning she wanted; neither of them saw me, and I felt something inside me die. I feel like I was set up in life just to do for others like a lowly servant despite whatever talent or education or good traits I have. While I am finally out of abusive relationships, I'm extremely limited and have to be alone relationship-wise and aim low career wise. Because I know nothing BUT how to please narcs, I'm left not being able to have normal relationships or a normal career - if I'm not pleasing them, I just shut them out and don't know what else to do. My life was just stunted and traumatized by this woman, all because she selfishly treated her children cruelly according to whatever her ego wanted and didn't allow us to know what normalcy was. No matter how far I get from her, the effects of what she did to me follow me everywhere.

[@sanskrutibarot9796]

Omg Michele what you wrote sounded so horrid that just reading it made me extremely sad. I can't imagine the pain you went through. I have my own issues dealing with my narc mom and struggling through depression. Can I suggest one thing that helped me? When you're in such a dark place only way out is when something Higher lifts you up. For me that was reading the book 'Bhagvad Gita As It Is' by Srila Prabhupada. I hope you can read it too and find enough comfort and wisdom to get through your life. I hope you stop surviving and finally thrive in life. Good luck. ❤️

[@Red_1976]

I’m not sure what to say exactly but I wanted to comment on what you wrote; thanks for sharing and I’m so sorry this happened to you. You do sound strong after all you’ve experienced. I just hope you have sought therapy to help you grieve this past life of trauma, you don’t need to do it on your own. You definitely deserve better. You are worthy of better. Stick to your new boundaries as steadfast as you can. Wishing you all the best for a brighter future.

[@stephaniebailey864]

Thank you for sharing this ,it has really made me think and reflect on my life. You are very eloquent and self aware x

[@sarahkoren7294]

You need to get a good therapist, to give you the tools to work through this. It is a hard, painful road, but worth it. I will, G-d Willing be 65, soon, and am finally seeing the light of hope, in breaking this horrible cycle. It can happen, but it will take a lot of work, and it is painful. We Helper/Scapegoat children of Narcissistic Abusive parents, and siblings, have learned to bury a lot of these memories. It is very much CPTSD. It is like opening up an abcess, painful, at first, then the relief comes. Sending love.

[@dnk4559]

I’m so sorry you experienced all this. I can relate in so many ways. I recall thinking my Narc Dad would be so proud of me that I made the highest score out of 80+ girls who tried out for the drill team at high school even though I’d never been allowed to take any dance classes. NEVER! He yelled at me and told me to go back to school and tell them I’m quitting. I was crushed. I told myself that he had a hard childhood too and that’s why I wasn’t allowed to be a kid like the other siblings. At his 80th he brought photo albums of all his high school team sport photos. He had been allowed to participate in everything all throughout high school. I think that was the first day I started to wake up. I was the oldest parentified scapegoat child. I’m not anymore. His golden children can take care of him now. I know it drives him crazy that my life has turned out so well despite as he said late last year that “you don’t deserve a damn thing you have”. My siblings think I must have said something to set him off. Of course all blame is put on me and they rally around the narcissistic bully. No one except myself has gotten any therapy. Dad has been divorced 5 times and our mother lost custody of us when I was 12. My Dad put the blame and responsibility of her problems and his and choices on me. It’s all such a sad situation but I am no longer willing to be the family punching bag for a group of people who are unwilling to see that they have issues and instead choose to self-Medicate and deny the truth away.

[@t7i7n7y]

Your guidance is immeasurable, thankyou for such insightful and helpful advice identifying negative human behaviour and then coping with it 🙏❤️🙏

[@MakerMeraki]

My new wife and I are both victims of narcissistic abuse; her from her mom and me from my ex. She was the helper child. And all she wanted was the love of her narcissist mom. She herself is an amazing mom. I try to make sure that she takes time for herself and meets her needs. She's working through with the help of your videos.

[@sarahkoren7294]

You gave me hope with your response, about your wife! Thank you!

[@sweetnsourify]

My mother once proudly told her cousin at a family party that her two oldest children will never leave her, she was not talking about me. I was a helper child but not her main source of narcissistic supply. I was instantly full of rage and disbelief but somehow not surprised at the same time. It was validating to know that my suspicions of her trying to prevent us from being independent was correct. I was like F this and could never allow myself to visit her for very long. Now I see her maybe once a year. Numerous times though I’ve received validation that she knew she was wrong about other things that she did.

[@kormaithepatient]

I was the helper child, now the truth-teller. It took years in therapy to get over the existential crisis of "what does it even look like to just be? Who am I if I'm not actively being useful to people? How do I ask for help from people?" My father didn't raise me as a person, he raised me to be his salvation, completely responsible for him. To be his therapist, parent, emotional wife, caregiver, and the solver of all his problems. We often imagine as kids that someone will come and save us, not realizing it will be ourselves as adults. But that would mean taking responsibility, which in my father's case he could not do. So he "programmed" me to save him. I was so programmed, brainwashed, and captive by the fear, obligation, and guilt that I'm only free now because he died 10 years ago. The best thing he ever did for me.

[@LuluArdila10]

I felt this so hard. Thank you for putting it into words

[@jodyayers4592]

I'm really good at keeping ducks in a row. Now, instead of chasing everyone elses, I'm learning how to just herd mine and make that work for me.

[@georgieeve2026]

🦆♡🙏

[@alexbaird2670]

I have yet to learn this one 🙄

[@dianevanderlinden3480]

next time someone asks me for help I'm going to say I have my own ducks, thank you. Thanks for this.

[@joseenoel8093]

Perfectionism is and can lead to mental illness.

[@user-vn9sh6hv8r]

"Not my circus, not my monkeys" is my go-to. 😊 🎪🙈🙉🙊

[@carlamurrell2647]

This was my life as a child and still is!! It’s so good to know I wasn’t just imagining this! Thank you for letting me know I am not alone in my pain!

[@KhushnaShah]

❤ any boundaries placed? Hope you’re in a better space with it all ❤❤❤❤❤

[@lilylady4778]

Interestingly AFTER I left the home as an adult and looked back at all that was wrong in my family I began imagining (for years) that maybe had I been the "helper child" our insane family would have more like other families I saw as normal. Maybe I might have been able to fix that family. Btw I was the SC who was doing this imagining. So now I'm out of the house and what did I do??? I went on to nurture everyone I met who needed nurturing and as result my soul was sucked as dry as could be especially by the narcissists I attracted. That was SO NOT normal either to go out into the world and take care of all others like that and put myself last. I have been learning to do better.

[@colleenjohnson9013]

As the ‘helper child’ in many areas, I felt overwhelmed, overlooked, breadcrumbed socially and silenced. As an adult, I can see how the role has weakened some of attitudes and strengthened others.

[@monaetheloner3521]

My oldest sister was the helper in our narcissistic family’s dynamic. She overdosed and it took her life last year. She was a cancer and they’re naturally motherly and nurturing as well. A depressing and emotional memory I have is one thanksgiving morning our addict parents didn’t even start or prepare any food. We were so disappointed. (all 10 of us kids) She saw the look on our face and set the table with dishes and filled them with canned food that we got from the food bank. I resent my parents during this period of my life but with the help of you Dr. Ramani, and a couple other amazing KZbin therapists, I have so much insight on what psychologically happened to us. I always look forward to your videos. You have no idea what a difference you’ve made in mine and so many other’s lives. - a healing scapegoat

[@KathyJacksonSanDiegoRealEstate]

I recognize this role in my family. It's happened for a good part of life. No wonder I've attracted narcissists

[@user-qt1le6ih6i]

This was my role growing up but no matter how much I helped, everything that was 'wrong' in my parents lives was always my fault. Such is the role of the family scapegoat / helper.

[@shara503]

I got the same. I was also the main punching bag. It was awful. I’m sorry you also lived through that.

[@snowbird7377]

I was the scapegoat and helper child also. Well into adulthood until I moved far away and put up my boundaries. They still fight me on my boundaries and keep trying to take low blows.

[@josephpress1235]

Intersting I never knew about the helper child.As the scapegoat and golden child mostly noticed in my family but I had the “helper child “ role as well.Gosh no wonder I am so overwhelmed with doing so much and became a protectionists.

[@TheRockInnRobin]

My narcissistic ex husband used to ridicule me about being a perfectionist. I was also the scapegoat/helper kid. I am today years old to see my narcissistic father’s behavior towards my sick mother and she didn’t deserve that. She had her own issues as well but I see where this all stems from.

[@lovewhitey2027]

Also add birth order most Oldest children raise younger kids even in 1/2 sane houses 🏡 Then of course become bitter years later because they had no childhood ... Happened to my bff now 58

[@TheRockInnRobin]

@@lovewhitey2027 same thing happened with my sister and I. I’m the youngest. I was there for her through every one of her husband’s deployment and now we don’t talk.

[@kellygallagher5447]

Holy @#$%, this really spoke to me. My aunt recently told me that I've been "the designated family adult" since I was about 11. My boyfriend, who is super supportive, will help me by defining my chores "do the litter or feed the cats, but don't do both!" I've very much learned to tie my worth to my productivity. I can't put the potato down, no matter how hot it gets. I once had someone say to me "we are human beings, not human doings," and I have to play it in head like a mantra so I don't call myself lazy every time I sit down for a second.

[@Locdoggggggggg]

I feel myself screaming out from deep inside, I never understood narcissism before watching you but you speak straight to the core of who I am and what I've experienced. You have given me strength in my story and my survival.

[@vincec.202]

"They take care of everyone else, and then themselves. No problem keeping them in that role instead of encouraging them to take care of their own lives"...UUUUGH!!! SO ON POINT! I watched her be absolutely devalued and emotionally beat up and guilt tripped to TEARS when I encouraged her to go after HER goals and wants and needs. The WHOLE FAMILY would join in, and tell her that I "wanted to keep her from her family"......🥺😔

[@seabreeze4559]

that's a cult, and very cinderella

[@vincec.202]

@@seabreeze4559 Oh...you have NO IDEA. Her family was HUGE and it was as if her mother was the Queen. Family dinners and get togethers were so awkward for me. I saw everyone running around trying to please her. It's was CrAzY. The first time I met her mother, she basically told me not to do help her out or give her money in any way, or help her fix her car...she had to have to get herself and her 2 kids around in...and expected me to keep it quiet. I IMMEDIATELY told her, because it's REALLY F*CKED UP, and after I refused to be part of the triangulation, I was marked as evil from that day forward. I could(and I am) writing a book on the narcissistic traits her BPD picked up and destroyed me with. It's the saddest thing that's ever happened to me OR HER😭

[@dianatreptau]

OMGOSH! This and scapegoat child were definitely my two roles. Raised my 7 younger siblings and ran the household, laundry, etc. for years. When I finally left 10 years ago everything fell apart as I was the OCD neat freak that kept most of it organized and together. B4 & after leaving was constantly told I was lazy and didn't do Jack-squat, except on one occasion when my narcissistic mother admitted in an underhanded way that she was tempted to pay me to come back and help with laundry and cleaning again; happened once but was confirmation enough that they were the ones living in fantasy land as remember working my butt off as a child through my teens and usually being the last one to go to bed as was finishing up laundry, cleaning, and homework (of course), besides getting the little ones to bed most nights. My boundary is now only seeing them at funerals and will go out of my way to keep my distance. It's been hard some days as miss my youngest siblings, but the amount of peace its brought me has been well worth it.

[@caribeandiva]

I can relate. I raised my 7 younger siblings too and was the handmaiden from day 1. Did everything you described and was told I didn’t do enough. Moving out at age 25 was the best decision ever. I started therapy soon after and never looked back. Now my life is flourishing and I couldn’t be happier or more at piece! Now all but 2 of my siblings have gone to therapy too and they all greatly benefited too.

[@emilym.2830]

Finally, this describes my experience. Thank you for this video. This was my role. My brother accidentally called me, "mom" all the time because of my care taker role. When I moved out and had narcissistic roommates, I continued doing what I knew, silently taking care of things, but at least it would take some heat off when I was growing up, but it didn't help with roommates. I was use to being silent at home, all of the adults talking obsessively and my voice not wanted or even heard, so I was trained to listen. Not fluff. This silent listening actually resulting in rage, an infuriated my boyfriend and roommates who wanted constant verbal praise, and for me to ew and ah at their lifestyle, which I didn't want to or admire at all. I just wanted to find some kind of peace at the place I paid rent, so I could put my head down and work my 3 jobs and go to school full time and get out of there. But I couldn't do that, no matter how much I took care of the house or listened to them, it just didn't work. You'd think having a narc mom I would have been prepared to fluff, but I wasn't. I was taught to be quiet and when I tried to join I just didn't fit in, having such a terrible role model and being homeschooled, I was thrown to the wolves. I learned the hard way and there is no gratitude from people like this. My mom wasn't grateful, it just managed her rage. The more I did for my boyfriend, roommates, brother, the more it was taken for granted. Like I owed them it for existing in their presence. I took so much abuse for so many years, always feeling I deserved it for not doing enough or being good enough. I was taken advantage of. It wasn't until my body literally began to shut down in my 30s and I became so sick and was no longer able to do these things that I ended up in therapy, where these last few years, in my late 30s, I finally understand. I finally am understanding boundaries and how often mine have been violated and how I've been cast as a bad guy for putting boundaries in place. Being the helper wasn't helpful for me even as I became an adult. It made me target. That's how it still feels.

[@sharonjones7138]

This, was me. My narcissistic mother abdicated her role as mother in our house. I had a sister 9 years younger than me and she was my responsibility. I also had most of the housework dumped on me. She said once “this whole house is your responsibility”…and prior to that, said “the oldest girl usually has all the responsibilities in the household “. Lies lies lies!!! Meanwhile, my father (the enabler), backed her up. He had no clue what was transpiring in our house. He was always working…full time and a part time job to provide for us. Not excusing this….he wasn’t plugged in to his children and what was happening. He now says he felt “I had a wife and I trusted her to do what was right. I now see she didn’t, and wasn’t”. My brother tells me this was the mindset at the time “anything that needed to be done, give it to Sharon….she’ll do it. Whether it was washing or ironing a shirt, cooking something, sewing on a button, shovelling snow”. I had a hand in everything……but I never had time with my peers. I had one friend who I visited but mother put a time limit of 90 minutes each visit. I’m learning so much from all the videos I listen to. I know now-the dysfunction was not me. It was my parents. Thank you for your wonderful videos…they are so appreciated ❤❤😊. You’ve helped to save me.

[@josephsmom3373]

This is spot on. I was a helper child and parentified and a sounding board for my mothers marriage problems and personal crises. I’m am a cleaner and organizer to this day. Yes, 20, then 30 years later, I was still doing it just like you said. I feel like my mother and to a lesser degree, my father disable and cripple you socially. Then, sit back and watch you struggle and happily take in all the caregiving because “you don’t have anyone else.” It’s awful. Hire caregivers with their money and move a safe distance away. I found it helpful to be a Distance away that is convenient for you when you have to be involved but not so close that you get sucked back in.

[@persevere777]

At 56 years of age , and after the passing of my nana, i no longer am the family helper, i now hold other family members accountable for their inaction

[@erinmckim2267]

I was the handmaid in my family. I had to start babysitting my siblings at the age of 8, I had to clean the house, wash the laundry and make sure everyonewas feed. I would get in trouble when my siblings made messes if I didn't clean up after them. And would get yelled at if it wasn't done exactly the way my parents wanted. I couldn't wait for the day I was old enough to move out of my parents house. I had no idea that's what I was until I found your channel. Thank you for all the great content. It's really giving me a lot of insight into the confusion and hurt I had to endure growing up.

[@MelodyProsser]

The helper child may also grow up and transfer that behaviour to another authority figure, like a boss. They may always end up being the assistant or always ben in an entry level position because the boss doesn't want to lose them because they are so competent in their current role. They may attract bad bosses who they try desperately to please but never seem to make their boss happy.

[@dayojoy]

They may also have difficulty being taken seriously as a boss/leader/manager because of their managing style.

[@lisagrace6471]

Yes.

[@blazebardgames5939]

Interesting. If I was looking at the roles in the dysfunctional family system I grew up in, I would’ve said I was the helper child and scapegoat and my brother was the golden child, but this comment describes my brother’s relationship with his boss perfectly. I know my parents messed up my brother by refusing to discipline him at all, but maybe they emotionally abused him in other ways too.

[@MelodyProsser]

@@blazebardgames5939 You and I had similar family roles. My sister is the golden child and is helper-like in her desire to please authority figures because she knows she will be rewarded either financially or socially.

[@hannsolotx8568]

This is me! I'm gonna fix this asap.

[@isabelkelly7717]

This has been my role. I hosted Thankgiving Dinner, Christmas, and New Year's for 25 yrs. I figured out that if I quit doing this we would never get together. I hoped to be invited by the younger generation in the future. When I quit we quit gathering. I've yet to be invited for any of those holidays or anything for that matter. Honestly, I've enjoyed my new freedom. I do miss, really, what was never really there.

[@jillianmurray6569]

My life to a tee. I was adopted as a baby ...spent my life doing everything . I have my life back now.I am 70 but happy

[@Lopepo]

Wow, you just described my life. I was struggling so much finally I decided to walk away from all family and stay alone to learn how to stop over doing and pleasing, I would realize I was doind it as a reflex then resent the rest for what I was doing cause I could not stop. Understanding this, jornaling, seeing my kid behaving impulsively, doing the painful work to ackwoledge where I'm gaslighting myself or others, setting boundaries, etc. I can tell why ppl won't do this work as it hurts so much yet, it's where I have found real freedom and healing. Thanks again Dr. Ramani and community.

[@joseenoel8093]

Aren't you clever!

[@Lopepo]

@@joseenoel8093 well, thanks but if it wasn't for the narc surviving community and wonderful ppl like Dr. Ramani I would have never woken up from the nightmare I endured for 43 years nor would I have stopped damaging other humans while still repeating narc trades myself! I'm so grateful 🥺🥰💕💖

[@fennerfam8733]

I’m with you on that!! I’m on this same path currently ❤️

[@Lopepo]

@@fennerfam8733 we are together in this 🙌 Let's hold on to our truths and freedom, one day at the time💗

[@fennerfam8733]

@@Lopepo yep! The peace that comes along with it is undeniable and is what keeps moving me forward- my dad is on my mind a lot as she lied to him about what happened that by the time I went to talk to him it was over 😓 but I just have to hope that one day he sees why I’m doing what I’m doing

[@Livefreeordie-182]

Omg that would be me! It was vital that I knew what to do without being told. I can now anticipate the needs of others before it's voiced. 'If I do everything she will be nicer'. Repeated the relationship- minus caring for children- during 23 year marriage. Now at 60 learning not to be a pleaser. Some good things: I'm very self-sufficient. A negative: it's hard for me to accept money i think it's a self-worth thing.

[@Julienna]

In my case, the helper, was my younger sister, who was first very afraid of our mother and she used to overdo keeping household clean since early age - eg. washed dishes, prepared a coffee, a soup or something. I thought, she wanted to be our mother´s favorite child but now I realized she was even more scared of our mother´s rage, so she was doing anything and everything to keep her calm as long as possible. Sadly now as a adult, my sister is mother´s golden child and she resents me, hates me very much. Yes, she is a narcissist herself now. :-( Our mother would then tell me, how my sister is so much better than me, more loving her than me... The weird thing I could not understand, when I was a child... if I tried to keep the house clean, prepare the coffee or do anything for our mother, I would be verbally punished for it. My mother would check my "work" and claim that I am horrible at washing dishes, preparing coffee, or doing anything. Never said anything nice to me. So I eventually stopped trying and got even more abused by her, now calling me a lazy sh*t. :-(

[@EngelCoLtd]

This video describes me to a T! At age 11 I stepped in hardcore has the “helper child” to stop my parents from divorcing. My twin brother helped me for two weeks and then he told me he didn’t want to clean the house, do laundry, clean up after the dogs, do gardening work, clean the swimming pool, etc. I took on those chores all by myself to keep the family dynamic together, and to keep peace in our family home. My helper role in my family stopped the arguments, yelling and complaining to the point divorce was never mentioned again. When I was 19, my Mom got very sick and it became my responsibility to care for her. I handled the finances of my parent’s, while cooking, cleaning the house, and doing laundry. My Dad’s excuse for not helping: He had to work. My only sibling’s (twin brother) excuse for not helping: He was attending college and had friends he hung out with. My role became so intertwined with my parent’s that when they refinanced their home when I was 22 years old, I completed the application, secured all necessary documents, etc. and got the refinance funded. My entire life I have lived my life as a servant to my family and others. Every year for the last 20 years, I prepare my brother’s yearly tax preparation for his accountant. It’s at the point now my brother’s accountant calls me to discuss my brother’s taxes every year as my brother doesn’t return his accountant’s calls in a timely fashion. That last six years of my Mom’s life I cared for her; handled all aspects of my parent’s lives; and worked from home doing medical transcription in my own home based business. When my Mom died (I was 37 years old), I handled everything from planning and executing the funeral, sending out all the thank you cards for all the condolences and flowers. I also worked with an attorney and got my Dad a trust and helped fund his trust (getting all assists transferred into his trust). When my Dad became ill (I was now in my late 30’s), I was told by him, “you took care of your mother, now you can take care of me.” And I did. In my early 40’s I came out of the closet as gay. My Dad was furious; didn’t speak to me for two months. After a failed suicide attempt, My Dad started speaking to me, but my being gay was never really discussed or spoken about. One day while driving my dad to his doctor’s appointment, there was a couple (man and woman) standing on the corner hugging and kissing waiting for the traffic light to change so they could cross the street. I blurted out, “I wish I had a boyfriend.” My dad got upset asking me why I had to use that word? Why couldn’t I say I want a friend. And then he said, “You’ve been alone this long, what’s a few more years until you’re dead.” I never said a word; the traffic light turned green and we proceeded to his doctor’s appointment. Today, I turned 54 years old, and for the last 9 years I’ve worked for an entitled, alcoholic, narcissist doing exactly for him what I’ve done my entire life, take care of everything. I handle all his finances for him; his health issues; his medications; I take care of his multiple properties; multiple vintage vehicles; I take care of his dog (taking him to the vet, feeding him, etc.); I even take care of his girlfriend as when she comes over and starts rambling on he will get up and walk away into his bedroom or the family room leaving her alone with me. And then she will literally talk to me for the next two hours about her garden, the weather, current events, etc. my boss is 87-1/2 and his girlfriend is 79-1/2. One may think I earn a lot of money working for my boss? I do not earn one penny. I live with my boss. In 2012 I had known him and his wife for 20 years, and when his wife passed away in 2012, he begged me to move in with him stating he couldn’t live alone. He’s been an alcoholic for over 60 years, and on the condition that he stop drinking, I told him I would move in. He stopped drinking and went into rehab. I moved in with him and took over handling all aspects of his life. Three years later he started drinking again. He claims me as a dependent on his income taxes; rights off all my medical expenses, insurance, etc., and with a six-figure year salary that he earns, he receives tax refunds year after year. He never pays a cent in estimated taxes. He is a millionaire. My bills are paid every month; I transfer money from his main account to our joint account and I pay my bills, cell phone, car payment, insurance, etc. But I am never given a salary where I can save money. I have no income so I do not file income taxes anymore. I do not pay into Social Security because I’m not paid a salary of any kind. I have very little savings. If I wanted to go on vacation I couldn’t because of lack of finances. Do I feel like a slave? Absolutely. When I was taking care of my Mom, she was always very appreciative. My dad never was appreciative and neither is my boss. Everything from my Dad, my brother, and my boss is always expected. After my mom passed and I took care of my dad, I always felt like I was being treated like a slave. When I moved into my current situation, within a months time I felt like I was being treated like a slave The way I would describe my boss is think of a man who is worth millions of dollars, and all he does in life is what he enjoys, and all the other things in life are all handled by me. So imagine a life where all you do is have fun and enjoy your life while everything else is taken care of for you. For most of my life, this has been my life. After watching several videos on this subject, I feel like I was unintentionally groomed to be a servant to others as a slave. I have always felt like a slave; have discussed those feelings with my therapist for years. After watching this video, I realized that from my childhood into my adulthood, I have always been a slave, here on this earth to serve other people, to enlighten and make their lives better, while systematically destroying my own life and dimming my own internal light. I feel too old to ever get out of this type of life I created for myself. I fantasize about the day I die and no longer have to live this well. I hope death comes soon, and that I will not suffer.

[@raqueldiaz4504]

Please seek help, your soul and life are worth it! Jesus loves you and you weren’t born to live in slavery, Jesus said he came to set you free and free indeed. I’ve prayed for you and pray that you seek the Lord…He will be found of you. Psalm 18:6 King James Version 6 In my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried unto my God: he heard my voice out of his temple, and my cry came before him, even into his ears.

[@Snoopitsa0405]

​@@raqueldiaz4504get fu#ked with your indoctrination. This person needs snd deserves professional help.

[@dianet3994]

Helper/Golden adult here: I'm sharing this for those who are at the beginning of this journey. I don't know if it ever ends but I can tell you that I got married to someone who tells me to rest, who reminds me that doing is not required for his love. We made a child of our own who knows she is loved everyday for simply being. I have trauma focus therapy to deal with the narcissistic abuse for the last three years. My life is infinitely better. If you're reading this, keep going. Just because you're here now doesn't mean you always will be. Don't let their fixed mindset take away your ability to thrive. I'm from the future. You can do this.

[@alyssadelozier2]

💗💗💗💗💗💗💗

[@hjackson7563]

I was the helper child. Taking care of chores kept the stress level around the house down to a livable state. Otherwise my mother was out of control. I used to hide under the bookcase headboard with a book and flashlight to get away from her wrath during the winter months when going outside was impossible. I was called all kinds of nasty names starting around age 9. Even then I could see who she was and because of that the impact on my psyche was lessened. I moved out at 16 and went on student welfare because I wanted peace.

[@verseau8360]

Hooray for you!! Bravo for this escape! It’s your turn to shine and thrive now! Best wishes for your journey! The worst is behind you now. Go forward in joy!

[@stealthwarrior5768]

Glad you escaped. My story is very similar

[@Chahlie]

Weird how we did so much and were called such vicious names.

[@Obatala_Vibez]

This was my mum, instead of going to school they made her be a maid at home and now she is 60 and still addicted to helping people and growing up it was random people more than me, it hurt as a kid (especially because afterwards they would throw it back in her face) but it hurts now she can’t see the problem after many years, yet she’s unhappy and I end up being an emotional mother to her.

[@mel-tp5hi]

I feel your pain, I've been going through a similar thing with my mum.

[@RSKaushik20]

Thanks for this video Dr.Ramani. This helps me believe that I wasn't at fault as labelled by my parents. I was that helper child of my narcissist parents. If I ever refused to help, verbal abuses would rain and they would label me as a 'bad daughter', 'bad sister'. Not just the parents, I had to invariably do things for my brother as well not only because he was a few years younger to me, but also because he was a boy. I had to eat only after my father and brother ate, clean up after them. Run errands for my mother when she runs out of grocery and other supplies. But after all that, am gaslighted by my mother, she claims that she alone shouldered all the family chores on her own self and she never asked me to assist her!

[@tathe3786]

Gaslight at it finest to ashame you!!! Don’t ever fall for it in you life

[@sherrysamericansafari7743]

I was the helper in a family with two narcissistic parents! And everything you said about adulthood is 100% spot on!!!

[@Christine-uf3oj]

I was the helper child who was basically my mother's caretaker, therpaist, personal assistant, driver, etc. She was a hypochondriac/ had Munchaussen syndrome and was always both mentally and physically ill. I got stuck in the role of her caretaker as an adult. Everyone in the family expected me to stick around and care for her, even her own parents. She was always so sick, and I was the person who was expected to do everything for her. She was still cruel to me and claimed I never did anything for her and would even complain to her family that she hadn't spoken to me and I abandoned her, even if I had just cared for her that day, I gave up so many opportunities in my 20s. I wish I had left earlier. If you're young and reading this, just go and live your life! And yes, I have had friends who have taken advantage of my being a helper, but I am better about boundaries now.

[@lovewhitey2027]

Ditto ditto ditto... You are never alone ask God to heal your heart 💔♥️🙏🏻🗣📖✍🏻

[@verseau8360]

Yay for you!! Boundaries are crucial. Now it’s your turn to shine!! I hope you thrive and find joy!!

[@NightNekomata]

Thank u for your words. I'm 20 now and I needed to hear this.

[@patsyjohnson3963]

God bless you Christine. If you haven't moved on...GET OUT NOW!. My poor sister took this to her grave looking after the same type mom and trying to take over the role of caretaker for our family. She married a man who ran every part of her life, then left his family for a nurse he met when he was in the hospital. My sister died with cancer at 58 years old. She is in paradise now. Thank our Lord for Dr. Romano and others enlightening us of the VULCHERS around us. Take care of you. 🤗❤

[@alyssadelozier2]

I am expected to take care of my mom too - because I'm her daughter means I need to take the abuse just because "we're family." Nearly everyone else in my family avoids her and she sees it as abandonment. She is cruel to everyone but plays the victim. I lost a lot in my 20's also. I'm in my mid 30's now and back at home for about the last 5 years... worse decision of my life. Working on getting out, getting arrangements etc, and dreading telling her though... Glad you got out. 💗

[@hopegrable]

This is me. Self care has been an issue since I was a small kid. Things are so much better now. The one thing I need to work on is building healthy friendships with people. I tend to shy away from opportunities to make new friends because of the fear that I'll get sucked in by yet another user/abuser. Wish all the helpers could meet up and help each other. Sending you love and gratitude, Dr. Ramani.

[@theseeker4700]

Yes! I attact people alot, but will get cold and push them away before they truly know me. Its what you said, I attract "vampires" and "dumpers", people who will either suck the energy out of you or dump all their crap onto you.

[@hopegrable]

@@theseeker4700 I don't really push people away, I just don't socialize. Through the COVID crisis, I've become even more isolated, which isn't exactly good or healthy. I am hoping that things with COVID normalize soon, so I can force myself outside of my comfort zone and LEARN to make friends with good people. Peace to you, my friend. :-)

[@alohilani1111]

Sometimes I hold my breath when I listen to your advice . I finally get someone to actually help me understand the trauma after the years of not learning anything during my therapy sessions. Always feeling confused & more depleted. So thank you for helping me & others to open that door once again to healing ❤️‍🩹 & the light.

[@jds0981]

This hit home HARD. I find myself in this dynamic in the workplace with my co-workers and colleagues. I am an example of being the helper in the family to my narcissistic co-workers in the workplace. These narcs are not necessarily my boss (that has happened), but my peers. I'm in the midst of changing this pattern. This video gave me a greater understanding why going DEEP is so hard with my narcissistic coworkers.

[@walkingcityadventures]

being raised as a Jehovah's Witness... I think my father felt that going out in field service holding those watchtowers and awakes was family time and extra activity. Me and my sisters had to work in his business and would only pay us $5.00 per week:(

[@raenotlydia]

I absolutely laughed from happiness when you said "helper" so as to be inclusive of people like me, thank you so much for making this relevant material accessible to me without the dysphoria. It makes a giant difference.

[@Josephcmiro731]

You’re the best!! Cold chat with you for hours !

[@sonoranoasis3012]

I could tell you were struggling with the term "Helper Child", I always referred to myself as the "Maintenance person". While I was busy doing all of the dirty work (maintenance) in the family, my sinister sister (narcissistic golden child) was doing her own thing and ignoring the narcissist, void of all responsibilities, all the while being glorified by the Narcissist parent. I remained in this maintenance role until I was about 55. I can say that as a grown "maintenance person" I was always highly skilled in client support roles and always have put everyone first before myself. I never wanted to call attention to myself. I love to help people but most importantly solve problems. In High School I remember feeling like the ugly step child because that was how I was treated. The interesting thing is I first noticed in High School that my Uncle was a "Maintenance person" to my Grandfather and my Mother was the Golden Child. Then later in my adult life I realized I was my Mother's Maintenance person. My sisters daughter is her "Maintenance Person", so the cycle continues.

[@buckwheat_flower]

This broke my heart just by reading this!! So evil!!! Freaking immature!! They should never have children, and even if they do, those children should leave them to stop letting them suck the life out of them!!

[@rachel14rod]

Damn....i relate to this... I worked in customer support. I cooked,cleaned for my mom. I got very sick doing this and had Cptsd all along.

[@Natybsg]

Yes, we were basically "tools" and then, helping, doing and pleasing was a way to try to keep a little bit of peace at home - and not being beaten, let's not forget. Of course, my father oftenly just created a reason to complain, shout, blame and describe us as the worse people on earth. Only when I was too tired and overwhelmed, I slowly started noticing how we did everything while he just hoped to be pleased.

[@joseenoel8093]

It was a pleasure to help but as time wore on and I became the target she couldn't get me to barely lift a finger! Visiting her home she'd try to get me to bathe her cats, sssuuurrreeeee, 🙅🏻, done and I of course don't even bathe my own!

[@dianevanderlinden3480]

Yep. I never realized I could escape till I got older. Then I almost didn't want to know, because the wasted years are so heartbreaking.

[@isaacmonson4403]

Man i relate to this 1,000,000% x50!!! 😔

[@valerieruhe7809]

@@dianevanderlinden3480 )

[@Dixieland-kj4yu]

That describes my step mother perfectly

[@SupremeAtheist]

That’s a description of my childhood! It never stops, the mother wants me to obey her even if I am half a century aged!

[@paulinekiely8990]

Thanks sincerely for this education and information about narcissism and the various roles in the family. I am 60 years old and have been living in the insanity that being the scapegoat and helper is normal. The head-games are brutal and very crippling. I've been reading self help books for 30 years and sober for 17, always serving everyone else and putting their needs ahead of my own. These videos have changed my life, bless you.

[@christmassongs-bytracyocon5693]

Thank you, Dr. Ramani. It's not exactly easy to explain this to anyone else in my life without feeling like a dupe.

[@christmassongs-bytracyocon5693]

There's one proverb that holds true: "A good deed never goes unpunished."

[@anak5183]

Our parents didnt want children, so as the oldest child, I was made the third parent, the in between, between our parents and my 5 siblings...So true...I lost out on childhood...

[@rebeccajohnson7864]

Same here.. I don't have children of my own because by the time I was 18 I had already raised my two siblings and was done changing diapers for my parents that didn't want kids.

[@MsBizzyGurl]

My ex-boyfriend's mother lost control over her son while he and I were together and he confided that being together with me was the first time he felt secure. Hold those boundaries!

[@justmemother2]

As the handmaiden I didn't do things for love. I did it to keep the peace in the house. I would come home from kindergarten and have to make coffee for the narc. The next day I would get up, get dressed, wash up, have breakfast if I remembered it and run out the door to walk seven blocks to school by myself. The next day it was do the dishes, the next day it was vacuum, the next day it was dust furniture, but everyday make coffee, don't forget the coffee! Soon I was set up to feel less than, by being told "If you lose weight, I'll buy you a pair of blue jeans." I really didn't care about the blue jeans, I really didn't care about losing weight, I ate for comfort. After I moved out, my door was open for 35 years to my mother, who was constantly seeking escape from the narc. But she believed in "Til death do us part" and he made sure she went first. He never called for help when she had heart failure and fell face-down in pillows in her room. He is now 88 years old and living alone because it's "His way or the highway". At 60 years old I am alone and angry because I gave away my life to a mom who could not let go, even though it was killing her. I believe the narc root is fear and self-loathing. They will never change. Don't waste your life on them. Get out and be the handmaiden or helper for yourself. Remember, you have needs too that you have long overlooked. Take care of those needs. It's never too late to cut ties and begin to build back. You are worth it. You are loveable. Start your new life today.

[@vanessap.4810]

I was my mother's free on call assistant. She knew it; she had a name for me "Asistonta". Its a Spanish words combination between "asistente" (assistant) & "tonta" (dummy). I was her dummy assistant. I woke up same time as she was diagnosed with deadly cancer. Cared for her daily for 1.5yrs. Walked out of her life as I couldn't take it anymore mentally months before she passed. Not before leaving medical support for everything I was doing for her. Still my whole family hates me for it. Broke contact with everyone. Luckily I'm in a happy healthy relationship and concentrated on my mental health with the support of with my 3 friends, 3 cats and 200plants. Life has gotten better, the struggle is still real and can't wait to be in a better place mentally now that I'm safe.

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

This was 💯 my role. I was the helper, cleaner, therapist, peace keeper, over-giver etc…totally over sacrificed myself as that’s the position I was put in and it was expected of me. Learning to change my identity and role with this, keeping healthy boundaries with support from therapy. Putting my well being and my life first to care for myself too. Finding the safe reciprocal supporting relationships and balanced sweet spot for sure. 💖

[@tracybranch2955]

Yes, I was the helper child of a narcissistic Dad (a USMC - Major)& a Great Mom, who got very sick and immobile with Rheumatoid Arthritis when I was 7 & my baby brother was 2. It framed my whole life. I am a RN for 39 years (instead of accepting a music scholarship to a Music Conservatory for voice and piano), got married a month out of highschool at age 17. Had first child age 22, now have been caring for my now, total care mother for 22 years after my dad split and married someone else. I'm just now learning about "me" and what I like and what I want..... Thru therapy. I guess I just never considered myself within the list of priorities. Thank you for this. This is what totally describes my life and experience.

[@BirdShutterbug]

I think I was the helper child by my dad using me as his emotional spouse. And I used to do whatever I could to try to keep things happy in the house. Though I didn't do physical stuff in the house, so I'm not sure.

[@lalat5899]

It’s still the same

[@lisagrace6471]

OH MY GOSH. yes- "emotional spouse"

[@judidownes9141]

Yes i was the same, my mum and dad would argue for hours day in day out...my father was verbally abusive, undermining and spiteful. He manipulated and controlled us all. Mum would always cry after the huge rows so i became her comforter, he emotional support. I wanted to comfort my dad, but was always made to feel as i had been talking to and comforting my mum that i was a bad person, he rejected me, made me earn his approval, crave affection. I was the therapist, the emotional support, the peace maker, often time the helper so i could keep more peace and defuse arguments, by offering to take on a responsibility so they didn't argue and fight over who's responsibility it was. My dad was sometimes vilant with my mum. She was submissive, gentle, kind, compassionate, loving and caring and still he treated her badly. Whenever she stood up to him, she always backed down eventually or blamed herself for his threatening behaviour and rages. As she grew older, she became more dependant on him which for years he resented. He would be inpatient, verbally abusive, rough and spiteful. I would go round and mum would confide the the behaviours were getting worse and she was scared of what he might do. I stepped in, took the responsibility away from my dad, helped my mum, washing and dressing her. Helping dad by prepping meals and washing up and clearing the table after dinner. Putting drops in mum's eyes several times a day. Staying for days at a time to achieve this even tho i had my own home to go to. As the years went on nothing much changed, except my mother became more vulnerable to his rages, threats. I tried to get her to leave him many times. I couldn't keep worring she was in danger. Would he take things to far, would he loose it big time and this time would he kill her. My parents were married for 58 years. I have been in the middle playing the helper child role for 53 years. I left my father for 4 months, believing that he would never change, he would never love me as i deserved etc... Then i realised it ment i could have a relationship with my mum, i couldn't protect her, she was left at his mercy. He was doing God knows what to her in my absence. I couldn't stay away any longer. I reconsiled with my father took the blame and resummed the role of body guard & comforter for my mother. And main helper to my father. I became a nodding dog. "Yes dad of course i can stay with mum whilst you go see your friend. Yes i'll stay whilst you go to the swop meet. I 'll look after mum so you can go do this or that. Finally my mum passed away on 23rd Dec 2020. She was 78...Somehow with mum gone i was tossed back into the role of physical helper, emotional support, company. I hadn't had him in my flat for years, suddenly he was there every sunday after church for lunch. Each afternoon i became his bereavment therapist, had to listen to how much he missed mum and see him sob and cry over how she died. Of course everything was worst for him, i couldn't possible understand what it was like being alone, loosing a wife etc... My grieving was put to the back burner and shelved. My brother took the narcassitic role up lately when i asked him to have dad with him at christmas he turned around and said, i don't think it should be all on one person. It's akways been on one person ME. I was furious, i had been at braking point and enraged with my fathers hypocrisy. I felt suffocated in the role and unsupported by my family. My feelings, needs, wants, and grief were nowhere near as important as what my father was going through. My brother kept telling me you, can stop but i am not going to leave him on his own. I felt blackmailed into remaining. Finally i couldn't take anymore. I wanted to scream to run away from my life, get away from my family and all the unspoken expectation they had of me to keep playing the helper child, then the helper teenager, then the helper adult. How could i leave him when he was suffering too much. What if dad dies whilst you're away i just hope you won't regret it. My brothers words drew deep guilt. I had told my family i was at breaking point, that i needed to take 6 months out away from my father. I needed to address my unforgiveness towards him. Let go of my past and change my attitude towards my dad. All things i could not do whilst with my dad. My brother's response to that was and if you can't do that in the six months, then what? I'll have to pick up thr pieces, i'm gonna have to listen to how upset he feels and how hurt he is for the next six months. He feels i have just dumped dad on him and he's furious. He is currently snubbing me to show his disapproval of my actions. I feel guilty, i'm making discord in my family, i have lost my whole family at present through silent disapproval. The circle of life goes on. I keep wishing my dad would hurry up and die so this role can end and i can get my life back. Or should i say begin my life. But it doesn't end there, my brother is taking up my fathers cause. When dad dies, i feel like the war with my brother is about to begin. I feel in the end i may have to cut off from all my family. I have never married or had my children, i live in a studio flat, i have no money enough to move to somewhere better. I have a long term health condition so i cannot work to better my circumstances. I am grieving the loss of my mum, my family, my health, and my happiness, i am depressed, sad and anxious...Yet i am a fighter and somehow i will find my way through the darkness and find the light again. I have learned that i must earn love, that my feelings don't matter, that expressing those feelings are not acceptable, taking care of myself is considered the height of selfishness, that nothing i do is enough or good enough. That i am the black sheep of the family, the trouble maker, over sensitive. My confidence is crushed, my self esteem bruised, my heart smashed. I AM A WARRIOR , I AM A SURVIVOR. One day i will be FREE...

[@Jason-xb3jh]

You just described my childhood and life with a narcissistic stepmother. I am a defeated and broken shell of a person now. Both of my natural parents died in tragic circumstances. All that I have left is the stepmother. Lost and alone is the best way I can describe my life now. 🥺

[@mollyneff9056]

I am an adult helper child. This video, and all of Dr. Ramani's videos on narcissism have been extremely helpful and healing. I struggled with this role and the psychological effects of it very heavily in my adulthood and as I became a mom myself. Between that, PTSD from many events in childhood, and postpartum anxiety I began having emotional (suicidal ideations, rage, severe agitation) and physical effects (severe insomnia, shingles) just a few months after my daughter was born. All of this led to a personal reckoning, inventory taking, and healing process over the last few years. I am grateful to have lived through it and learned to take better care of myself now. I am still actively in therapy and likely will be for the rest of my life in order to have someone else hold me accountable when I fall back into old habits.

[@thedabney3263]

This definitely resonates with me! I find myself in this role and have been for some time. I have been told by strangers to care for myself the same way I try to care for others and that I deserve it. Trying to let that sink in! This video was timely.

[@mrs.salazar5219]

It’s difficult to do something new. Even when that something is an essential need.

[@joseenoel8093]

Sure hon, you deserve the best so take care of yourself, if you don't there's not much chance someone will step in to take your place!

[@virgomoon1168]

My ex’s mother handed him a LIST of things she wanted him to do while we were at a family reunion and he got so upset he turned around and took it out on me. That was the norm when I was stuck in between Chris and Cindy. He was a narc because she was a narc.

[@M_SC]

That’s so unfortunate.

[@Gitelle]

I was the helper child. When the welfare checks came in, I paid the bills, grocery shopped, went to the laundromat, got my sister off to school. I was my mother's therapist, and whipping post whenever men left the relationship with her. I am now raising a narcissistic child. I don't know how to put myself first and take care of myself.

[@jds0981]

@@Gitelle Awareness and acceptance of your reality are steps. You have a right to self-preservation. Self-preservation is a human right.

[@gigibtsurvivor3348]

On family vacations with extended family, my former MIL would also leave lists for people whilst she was at the beach or on a day outing. If someone didn’t want to follow her itinerary, she would passive aggressively lash out with a “to do” list and then be upset and gossip when the list wasn’t completed.

[@virgomoon1168]

@@gigibtsurvivor3348 exactly the dynamic with my ex MIL; that’s why he would get upset when she would do it and cause he couldn’t take it out on her, he took it out on me instead. Sorry you went through that.

[@micheeleforbes4734]

I never know how to thank you Dr Ramani, each video(session) is the greatest lesson I've learned. 😁 What I learnt today is that it is ok to walk away from the bad people in our lives and accept that it may result in them bad mouthing you for walking away or gray rocking them, but I have never been more at peace in and with my life.🎶🎶🎶🎶

[@Tiny-one-o6n]

I use to call my self the maid and the nanny, without knowing what it was really called! When I got away the only the thing they said nice about me, was that I was a lot of help! Duh, cause y’all used the f**k outtta me to run your house while y’all just got to chill and bash me! Makes sense now!!!❤

[@9totoro]

Thank you for this video ! Yeah, this was my role. I remember as a child thinking that I'm just a servant or a robot.

[@ThatGirl_Oge]

Helper child can also be the emotional dumping ground for the narc parent(s). My mom has a habit of bringing her complaints about my dad to me in the hopes that I join her to speak ill of him, and I used to, because I also held resentment for him for various reasons in the past. Now in adulthood it's just exhausting to hear lool. Cos it's like if you don't like this person so much, why are you still playing house with them? Especially since he doesn't do anything for you and you can stand on your own feet (financially). Now I don't even entertain it, I just walk away and act like I didn't hear her.

[@lisawilliams8398]

This is my life. Even at age 34, I'm still dealing with this. Because of it, I can't remember a conversation I have had with my mother that did not end in tears or anger and honestly I hold resentment towards her for using me like this. So I keep contact to a minimum nowadays.

[@abidaasghar5621]

this is entirely my story plus unformatted my husband is a narcissist too. My mother also use me as her garbage bag for her so called emotional distress.

[@olgakim4848]

So sad and tragic and a waste of a life.

[@leanneb9111]

Yup that's me. I was always fixing up the family mess. Taking on responsibilities.financially supporting sibling. Caring for ageing parent etc. Without a word of thanks. Just expected. Went into therapy over two years ago....when I set boundaries I was rejected and abandoned and shamed by both. This was devastating and heartbreaking .My sibling mocked me for being in therapy and wanted to know why suddenly I had a chip on my shoulder. Lol sounds a lot like projection to me. I'm in recovery. Thanks Dr Ramani.

[@angeles9178]

We tend to stay in this role is because after doing it all our live, we faind us sorrounded only by people who uses us. We have no people around us who realy loves us, because we atracked all selfish people we met.

[@dhayes1541]

Helper and scapegoat. By 10 doing all the housework, laundry, and cooking. I was also caring for my youngest brother who would fit the invisible child role. Failure to do the work resulted in terrible fights between the parents which became my fault and led to harsh physical punishment. Childhood just never happened.

[@pepperbird1212]

I was coerced into the Helper role since I was 4 yrs old, when I was expected to babysit my two sisters, 2 and newborn (instructed to "run to the neighbors" if something went wrong). My father's intense physical rages, abusive language, and physical punishment ensured that I regularly delivered maid service and babysitting to my parents to keep the peace. Perfect school behavior was expected too, and I was expected to entertain my parents' friends and relatives with musical performances. After winning scholarships and graduating college in a rushed 3 years, I married a man who was essentially my employer throughout the 10-yr marriage.While working, I also faithfully fulfilled every possible role for my husband, whose only responsibility besides his job was to put gasoline in the cars once a week. I also filed our taxes, managed our investments for retirement, and cut the grass. Finally I had a hysterectomy, increasing depression, and a nervous breakdown at 30. The marriage failed and I have spent the rest of my life trying to be educated and independent. My mother and siblings still expect me to take care of them.

[@sarahkoren7294]

Grey Rock your parents, and siblings. Learn to take care of yourself. I am almost 65, and just learning that now. Sending love.

[@irondragonmaiden]

I don't know if you live near your parents and siblings, but I recommend that you live in a completely different state as them and not speak a word to them. They have an emergency? Oh, that's too bad, I'll pray for you

[@patriciafry8634]

Yes, time for you now. It’s up to the others to take care of themselves. If at all possible, move away and start your own life unimpeded. You’ve nursed them enough.