When Toxic Narcissistic Families Attack

Many people suffer when their families turn against them. These attacks can take many forms. In this video, I outline the various ways families can attack and share six effective steps for dealing with these painful situations. Unfortunately, this issue is more common than many realize.
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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 10,000s of people heal from family dysfunction and become the true self they were never allowed to be. As a family systems and self-differentiation coach, he leverages 45 years of experience to help clients permanently break free from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a strong sense of self.
***DISCLAIMER: THIS VIDEO IS NOT INTENDED TO SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING. BE SURE TO CONSULT A PROFESSIONAL TO HELP YOU INTEGRATE AND UTILIZE THESE CONCEPTS.***

[@jerrywise]

Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self

[@-Ms.L]

Thank you for posting this video💚💚.

[@lisadsignstyle8218]

I hate it when ppl say " Family is EVERYTHING" as if to say "you are nothing if you dont have family" because its just not true.

[@shawngibson7514]

It’s absolutely not true. My true family is made up of recovering alcoholics who at one point were extremely toxic. It’s the best family I’ve ever had. No blood connections whatsoever.

[@UrGranny-zc1mz]

absolutely

[@a.b.2850]

That’s true, it does give us this feeling

[@janettepearl-snyder4828]

"You can live without your family, but it is very difficult to live without inner peace." 100% TRUTH✔ Excellent video Jerry and thank you!

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

This is really clarifying isn't it? I was asking myself long pondering questions about the value of having a family that all think I'm crazy, cold-hearted, emotional etc etc but this way of looking at the issue is just must simpler.

[@janettepearl-snyder4828]

Yes it definitely is.

[@jerrywise]

Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations

[@buddhacook1087]

Truer words were never spoken.

[@marlenaeva3813]

I watched this today and it has opened my eyes to why narcissistic families attack each other. The attack is mostly done when someone in the family refuses to play the family role. I did that and was attacked, gaslit, and smeared to my entire extended family. But what I've discovered is that, even when an adult child plays the role and stays in the family, he/she is still attacked by being gossiped or smeared to other siblings. So it's like, they're actually never happy with you no matter what, and they'll continue to think badly about you (adult child) until they die. I guess no one can change this destructive behavior but them. But I wouldn't have my hopes up for that to happen.

[@stephanieCl]

Thank you for summarizing it , The only attitude we can adopt is knowing in which category they belong, put each person in their category knowing that at the end of the day they are a United League, until some starts showing new constructive changes consistently...otherwise, low contact and gray rock and keeping your mental health/sanity as the most priority of your purpose on earth ...You are not alone. Have a blessed sunday

[@Lyrielonwind]

After three years of no contact I'm still wondering who of all my siblings is being forced to play doormat and if that would make them think about their toxicity or if they are playing all against all frenzy party. The never ending story cannot be stopped by one member refusing to play or at least, not in my family.

[@btfields323]

Exactly

[@xrc7445]

And when they don't think badly of you, instead of being proud of you, they are jealous and attack even more.

[@teresahudson977]

Haters do not or can not change who they are. They are always going to be the same Ugly ass people they have always been. It took me many years to stop trying to get along with them. They treated me, my children and my granddaughter verry badly. Told rediculous lies that were very damaging to my reputation. When I threatened to sue for slander the chicken s showed their real selfs. They sure do not want anyone to hear the truth about them. NOT NICE PEOPLE!!! I do not miss the Trauma. I may be alone but I am at peace. I know I never did any of the awful things I was accused of. I am sorry that I gave them so much of my time wating for them to see the truth.

[@jenns1649]

"Parents don't own their children" 😮 That one hit me.

[@UrGranny-zc1mz]

@@jenns1649 such misconception right?

[@ObiMomKenobi13]

It is not my responsibility to endure my siblings abuse.

[@MJ-qb5ph]

My family brought me to the point of suicide. Seven years on, going no contact and a deep dive I am a totally different person. I will never understand it. It was so vengeful but in the end they are just pathetic narcisstic bullies - I’ll let God and karma take over and give them what they deserve

[@jerrywise]

So glad you have found some peace NG Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations

[@CHOOSE_TO_BE_U]

@NG I wanted to say thank you for sharing...we all have a tendency to think of family as loving, understanding and supportive people in our lives who are there for us, who always have our back, who want the best for us, until we learn differently. I wish you never had to go through what you did. But I do believe there is a God and no one gets away with anything. Vengeance is mine says the Lord. I am glad you made the wise decision to go no contact. May you be surrounded by loving, kind, caring, supportive people all the days of your life! You deserve to be seen, heard, supported and loved for who you are and live your truth! 🙏❤️

[@MJ-qb5ph]

@@CHOOSE_TO_BE_U Thank you so much. I have actually found some excellent insight into biblical scripture through this nightmare through another channel called the royal we. I hope God and karma do their work! Bless and thank you for your lovely comment

[@EarthlingsOnBoard]

@@CHOOSE_TO_BE_U Hell and heaven are right here on Earth. Family members that are toxic are already in hell, imagine the suffering they are in if they feel the need to attack someone to somehow 'feel' better in themselves. If we decide to stay in the family and not change, welcome to hell, we are joining them. If we decide to differentiate ourselves from the family, heaven awaits us with open arms.

[@helenwatson4494]

I nearly ended my life too. X

[@pavla2055]

Narcissistic family members are highly entertained by watching you try to please them - secure in the knowledge that you'll never be able to do it . You can only live your own life and leave toxic people behind . I've been subject to most of these forms of maltreatment even long after marrying and having moved out .

[@fifilafleur5555]

Yes, the narcissistic family even tried to break up my marriage and mistreated my ex husband. I knew they would do the same to our children if we had them.

[@vaughnwalker1840]

I was young trying to prove myself to entertain elder miserable people to get it thrown in my face at my lowest point.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

My dad is the worst narcissist. His (one, not all) brother, their now, late mother, my now, late second stepmother were in on verbal and sexual abuse(mostly by Dad). It was sickening. Silence was, and is, expected of me, by Dad. He's evil, vile, sadistic. I don't trust him. He thinks this a huge joke, he got that brother in on it. They think it is funny. I was the focus of no-one's concern, for years. Dad's still pathetic, verbally and sexuallly abusive, emotionally, physically abusive, enmeshed with me, sexually.He is horrid! I call him on it; he ignores me, laughs. Is sadistic!

[@thetruth3325]

Why on earth would you want to sit at the dinner table with these people

[@madeleinegrayson8372]

I didn't want it then, and I don't now.

[@etaokha4164]

I remember 3 years ago when I moved out of my narc family home and got my own place because I was pregnant and needed my own space to raise my daughter, my narc family attacked me during my pregnancy and attacked me when I moved out because I was the scapegoat and when the scapegoat leaves the family suffers. I took my narc family to court and put restrictions on them for a year and that caused rage to my narc mother and she started the smear campaign and thought she was entitled to breaking the rules of my boundaries. I cut all contact with my family including my narc family. Been peaceful ever since and happily living my life without them.

[@steveytheswitwarrior3362]

Good for you💗.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

I can live without my family but I can't live without inner peace. I like this. This is really clarifying.

[@jerrywise]

Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations

[@honkytears]

The first time meeting a friend's family, I witnessed how good they were to one another, that his dad didn't physically abuse him and/or accuse him of random, bizarre things, was like seeing bigfoot... I'd heard reports of such a thing, but never really entertained that it actually existed!

[@idontcare9797]

I know that feeling. Some families try and help their kids succeed instead of arguing, blaming and never helping the child too

[@madeleinegrayson8372]

I've actually gotten choked up and upset when suddenly confronted with families like that. It all comes flooding back, the affection and support I never had. Once my mother and her sister sat on either side of me after having essentially bait and switched me, so I'd show up for a change. They kept insisting that they were good people and a good family, saying everyone has their issues and no family is perfect, blah, blah, blah. I sat, nodded, said nothing, eventually left and have never showed up again. They know they're jerks. They're just upset that I know it and that my leaving the whole clan puts it on display.

[@sll110]

me too, all demons and evil​@@madeleinegrayson8372

[@sll110]

​@@madeleinegrayson8372how old are you? for me, all too late

[@madeleinegrayson8372]

@@sll110 54. It's never ever too late to walk away from jerks and create an extraordinary life full of freedom and love.

[@natashaj9169]

It's so true the moment I had no contact with my family I felt so much peace, peace like I've never felt before.

[@jcp5890]

I tried talking to my family for 3 years now. This excellent mama will never try again. To be buried alive is unforgivable.

[@jayney6176]

Forgive. It’s the only way to be forgiven.

[@thelonewolf848]

I completely understand that statement...buried alive.

[@blessingfarm3674]

You can live without your family. You can't live without inner peace...wow. I assume that applies to husbands that are narcissitic, too. I am just figuring out that I have a right to standards of behavior and treatment. That statement is a very profound one.

[@xrc7445]

"buried alive"! goddamn! That's exactly it! :(

[@Lyrielonwind]

@@judywinters8615 It's certainly is a bad advice. I am working at keeping them away from my mind and trying to erase all the false recordings about who and how I am ingrained from childhood. That's my idea of forgiving. Not to wish them evil but not to carry their crosses since is unfair and I have my own to bear. Some people give that advice because their religious beliefs, because they are in denial or because they are narcissists and they love dumping their own shame to others. They love to call you resentful; they feed from others suffering. Best wishes in your recovering.

[@melgambrel2930]

My family attacked me and got everyone involved in the attack. I was so shocked and absolutely heartbroken of how they can treat someone that they supposed to love. My eyes became more clear as I continued to wipe away tears and dealing with the heartache. With time I have continued to pray and read self help books along with watching your videos. My daughter is even keeping me from my granddaughter. Her 1st birthday is next week and I’ve never been able to see her. The heartbreak is overwhelming. I thank you for all your videos. They are getting me through a very rough time.

[@jerrywise]

I'm so sorry about the family attack Glad you are weathering through it Glad the videos could help Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations

[@cottonflannigan3671]

I have 5 grandchildren I am not allowed to see. I have been estranged from my children for 10 years, since my divorce from a narcissist. There are no words creared to possibly explain the depths of pain I have experienced, and continue to experience. I have contemplated suicide many times... My ex husbands family, all of them (20) worked as a unit to destroy my life and alienate my children from me. I am in a living Hell! God Bless You, Sister.

[@stephaniebailey920]

I am a WHISTLEBLOWER in Louisiana baton rouge and my formal supervisor RAY LAMONICA LSU law PROFESSOR/government officials turned my family members neighbors friends community against me. People never talks about CRIMINAL NARCISSISTS who are over/run states/countries,,etc.

[@user-eo2ue7mo9k]

True, the heart brake is so bad and huge that it is unbearable.

[@Zipper12345]

I’m going through the same 😢

[@MsApocalypseRider]

It is often enough of a traumatic experience when a family is simply unsupportive and uninterested in a family member's life, especially in childhood. I cannot imagine how much more traumatizing it must be to have a family working actively against you, antagonizing and attacking you along the way. Thank you for highlighting this issue, Jerry, so many people suffer in silence. It seems we really must grieve the absence/loss of a loving family to move on.

[@jerrywise]

Grieving and letting go is so important Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations

[@kahlodiego5299]

I had to cut off from family almost completely to recover from borderline disorder. I reconnected later and destroyed my life. Trying for another recovery.

[@FaithfulandTrue949]

@@kahlodiego5299 so sorry for your experience, I pray you find your tribe. I appreciate and will learn from your experience as we still love them and sometimes feel sentimental about reconnecting (I now won't). I fled 24yrs of abuse with a few carrier bags. My aunt and my sister are paying the court fees for my abusive ex husband to claw us back after we escaped to safety via a women's refuge... It is exhausting. Sickeningly wicked. My mother had an early death with all the toxicity and abuse, but, they won't destroy me or my little ones Jesus saved my life!

[@FaithfulandTrue949]

@@kahlodiego5299 you are enough. You are loved. Thank you for your comment 🙏

[@kahlodiego5299]

@@FaithfulandTrue949 I just gave up too much. Better not to need anything from them. Then you're okay.

[@brennadickinson2920]

I'm better off without my toxic family members. Sad but true.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

Yeh I feel like my family want to destroy me. They want me to respect their right to hurt me. They are angry with me that I told them they hurt me. They are the victims of my hurt. I have pushed for communication for the last 18 months but they don't want discussion, they want to stay outraged and offended martyrs. I'm not worthy of a conversation, not one in 18 months. And yet, they're so angry with me. It's upsetting but I have to give up now.

[@jerrywise]

Toxic families always feel they are the victims of YOUR/OUR hurt Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

@@jerrywise 20 euro donated jerry. I keep coming back to your videos. They are very helpful.

[@MJ-qb5ph]

You too? In the end I went no contact. Just let them go. They are sick

[@sampal5352]

Sorry Susan. You aren’t alone, clearly. I loved my family so much, took care of all of them in different ways, but I wasn’t happy, and I tried to heal, which caused trouble with two, and then I got very ill, needed a lot of love and care, and suddenly I was a terrible person and treated with awful cruelty, lies and all kinds of nonsense that was none the less extremely painful, finally cut off from some family members and forced to endure a false relationship with others. I don’t know right now if I’ll ever get over it. It’s a very strange thing to be completely caught off guard by people you thought loved you. I didn’t know this was so common but it helps to understand it’s not in my control, or about me. Sending you love, as I am learning to give myself with complete abandon! We must. Peace to you.

[@reesedaniel5835]

@@jerrywise True. The narcissist cries out in pain as they stab you in the back.

[@auntiekaren4692]

"you can live without your family but you can't live without inner peace." I had to find this out the painful way

[@jerrywise]

❤️❤️

[@auntiekaren4692]

@@jerrywise thank you so much for your wisdom and experience sharing

[@jgarofalo8813]

Omg I fell for the keep trying harder loop. It’s a waste of time. I thought myself as the “bigger person” instead of realizing I was being used and a scapegoat.

[@sll110]

me too

[@taurusgoddess4447]

I tried to explain this to my mom she kept playing games. Explained it to my sister she tried to make excuses for her. I'm done. I just got an angry call from an uncle telling me I was selfish for going no contact.. sending ppl to watch me outside my home. Popping up on me was my final decision. Now who will be the scapegoat? ✌🏾

[@chocolate-eq6jn]

Stalking is common with scapegoating families after you have gone "no contact". If you truly remain "no contact", it won't matter who the new scapegoat is, since you will have no knowledge of their activities.

[@AZDC99]

@@chocolate-eq6jn I'm so glad you mentioned that this was common in narcissistic family systems. I did not know this, but it makes sense. It is certainly happening to me. At some point I hope I get a phone number and address that none of them know and stay no contact

[@catalinafirefly4685]

They will never get it ...why we all go no contact and thrive.

[@fifilafleur5555]

Living this as the family scapegoat.

[@miriamevans5200]

Sometimes you have to take a branch/ limb off the family tree and throw it in someone else's yard, then set fire to it. Sincerely, The Family Scapegoat

[@rosieposey2525]

That was awesome! Thanks for the chuckle...Signed, The Scapegoat that Found Her SELF 😅

[@madeleinegrayson8372]

Thanks, Stewie, lol. I needed that! 😂

[@plursocks]

I'm going through this right now. My brother is attacking me for finally going no contact with my mom. I'd tried for 30 years to get her to listen to me and treat me with respect but no, THIS TIME will be different. And the worst thing was...he was parroting the exact same talking points that my mom has used my whole life to shame me and guilt me to stay under her control

[@8all8at8once8]

The same happened to me this week with my cousin who lives with us. He sent pictures to my parents, who are on vacation, about the things I’m doing wrong. And when I asked him to do something in the kitchen he acted like a parrot 😳 The same words my mom would use. It was terrible to see and recognize.

[@dgvfsa66]

Been the scapegoat since birth . 3 sisters and mother are a swirl of venom. I finally went NC. My son was then diagnosed with cancer. He suffered 3 yrs and died.The entire time, not a single word from my "beloved family". My punishment for breaking free. Shunned when I most needed support. I'm truly not sure how they justify this in their minds.

[@susiegray7094]

Hi..I have a v similar situation to you. Its v v hard xx

[@sll110]

they Don't Care

[@juliambai1125]

It is the worst form of abuse. It is very painful when they start attacking your child to get to you.

[@jerrywise]

Very very painful and difficult for sure Julia Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations

[@user-eo2ue7mo9k]

It is all about protecting their insane feelings.

[@sll110]

Jerry, I have very very strong suicidal thoughts these days, I never know I have worst childhood and worst mother, Family members... know Everything too late, brainwashed by those demons

[@Pukeyray]

Thanks for reminding us to "Choose you." I've been having a poem in my head and I couldn't get the last line. Then I remembered you saying that and it fit perfectly. "Some are sad when we win. So happy when we lose. Don't live to pay those dues. Choose the one and only you." 🌠💕

[@jerrywise]

Love it! Your'e are so welcome Robert.

[@EarthlingsOnBoard]

When I first learnt about it, Murray Bowen's Family Therapy was like a neon light going off in my head, showing me all the toxic triangles and un-differentiation I was part of with toxic family members. Differentiation has begun.

[@jerrywise]

Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations

[@UrGranny-zc1mz]

“Parents never owned us” excellent to say that.

[@joshua255860]

Dr. Wise, my narc. mother was the catalyst in our family of dysfunc. Now a woman in my mid 60s, and because of your specialty and teachings in this realm, I am slowly unraveling decades of pain. You have given me so many good strategies at coping with the problems at hand. Sadly my family is fragmented and everyone has to fend for themselves emotionally for many years. My narc. mothers nonsense killed my father early. My naive and emotionally distant Dad did not how to handle this woman. My youngest brother has been a source of problems for me since he has been so enmeshed with my mother's antics and is her executor. He is not able to face that my mother has been causing trouble for all of us forever. It is a hopeless situation...but because he is her executor, I can at least walk in some kind of light and hope for myself and he feels confident he can make all decisions on my mom's final years. My mom has held it captive and the entire thing is so pathetic. I cannot tell you in words what these lessons have meant for me. Respectfully, Eileen

[@joshua255860]

Happy Easter, Jerry!

[@elizabethandiosa4579]

My brother, the executor of moms will, turned out to be the chief manipulator and a bigger narcissist than mom. He manipulated her, lied about me yo my parents just to get the money. Now i get why my dsd hit him. Because of all the severe emotional, psychological, and physicsl abuse, I hate him. Decades of abuse.

[@elizabethandiosa4579]

Dr. Weiss, the really malevolent ones are not safe to be atound. My brother seriously harmed me and legally I cannot prove most of it. Sa

[@neveragain733]

As a child my mother was always saying i was a problem child, that i would never graduate from school. She made up bizarre stories about me to family members. They all believed it until they really got to know me, then they stated wow, you are nothing like your mom described. My sister has begun the very same thing in makinv up bizarre stories about me. The torch has i deed been handed down to another generation. My mom had a lifetime grudge with my grandmother. The insanity my mom cause with my immediate family has caused us serious trauma.

[@unclecrunkle7]

wow. this really hit me. I was questioning if i was making things up in my head or if i was actually dealing with a narcissistic mother/ family system but this cleared it all up for me. when i was 18 i started dating my first boyfriend he was protestant and i was in a very catholic family. he started to ask me things about my faith causing me to look deeper into it on my own. after over a year of deep research i decided that i no longer wanted to associate with Catholicism and simply wanted to be a true Christian. i came to my mother with this and she relentlessly attacked me for months. her condition was that if i was in her house i had to go to catholic church. i tolerated it for a little bit, but i couldn’t take it at a certain point. i couldn’t take the constant verbal abuse and belittling from my mother so i sat down with her and told her i no longer wanted to participate in the church. my boyfriends family allowed me to stay with them since i wouldn’t be able to stay in my parents house due to the conditions she gave me. i don’t think my mom expected me to actually choose that option and she absolutely lost it. told me she will never ever support me and would not come to my wedding. told me she did not say things she blatantly said to me and my boyfriends face. used my nephew being sad i moved out against me. telling me i had no capacity to understand religion and could not make that choice for myself. criticized everything about me and told me i betrayed her and this is all my fault. pitted all my siblings against me. continues to send me catholic books. she was most worried about me making other people think she did anything wrong. this still continues to this day. i am getting married soon and she still refuses to come and is trying to convince my siblings to do the same. i am so tired of the constant invalidation and belittling. being told i’m not capable of making any of my own choices and that she will always be my authority. i am finally starting to heal from this, even though it is all very recent. thank you for helping me realize this isn’t all in my head.

[@oropeza899]

Stay strong in your faith! Blessings

[@catielove5096]

Multiple generations of attacking-family makes sense. We inherited the culture

[@jerrywise]

Yes Catie, we inherit the culture and trauma from past generations Great book, "It Didn't Start With You"

[@catielove5096]

Jerry, Second and third time through this video, I find myself understanding, but emotionally having to work with the part about not taking it so seriously. This message arrives at exactly the right time. Much appreciation.

[@Zipper12345]

My daughters grew up watching my mother attacking me , verbally, emotionally, and now two of my daughters treat me thd same way. Right now my youngest daughter is withholding the grandkids from me. It’s so abusive and I’m sick of it. It’s killing me to see what my grandkids are being put through. It needs to stop.

[@fzrms7954]

My father died a year ago and my mother and sister have turned into huge abusive bullies since he has been gone. My mother refused to even have a funeral or memorial of any kind for him despite being married for over 50 years. I refused to spend the anniversary of his death with her a week ago and today my mother came over and said my father will never forgive me for something that happened before he died. She goes low and nasty and attacks when I point out any wrong doing she has done. Im ready to go completely no contact.

[@InnocentYarn-ly9bk]

I’m struggling with my family. I’ve gone no contact but I went back to my mother who said something very destructive to me. I never went back since then and it’s been very hard for me, and you’re right, you can’t go back to a family who will not let you in so I’m just learning to be on my own and am coming to be who I am. But I have to admit how painful it can be and my husband is supporting me.

[@kdjourney51]

It’s nice to let go of system feelings. Thanks for explaining your wisdom.

[@jerrywise]

You are so welcome Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations

[@kevinmasterson5733]

Wow. My mother & two sisters used pretty much every one of these tactics except corrupting. They were "perfect" and never would have done anything wrong!!! Thank you Jerry.

[@jerrywise]

You are welcome Kevin Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations

[@Jesusisking235]

Freedom from toxic family AND toxic people for me has been 1. Learning to be more selfish (self care), 2. Quit seeking validation from everyone, and 3. Freeing myself from being easily guilted by others.

[@KoolT]

6. Setting boundaries explore no contact I WILL NO LONGER LET YOUR ARROGANT FAMILY ATTACK ME.

[@jcp5890]

The generational history is true. It is in mine. RUNNING OFF MOTHERS AND NEVER SPEAKING TO THEM AGAIN IS 3 GENERATIONS THAT I HAVE WITNESSED. I AM THE 3RD GENERATION BURY THE MOTHER ALIVE. BUT HATERS....MAMA IS STILL BREATHING AND SMILING AND NO DAMN BODY WILL EVER MAKE ME FEEL LOW ENOUGH TO THINK SUICIDE AGAIN. THANK YOU JESUS FOR SAVING ME.

[@jerrywise]

Families are not worth giving up our lives for Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations

[@CH-in8dm]

Wow....same story for me. Hope your ok

[@avalonmist254]

My adult children and everyone else have smeared my good name to the point of suicide too. These people are insane, And want my Soul. However my father started in my childhood I knew he would die hating me. To my surprise we actually became very close for the 5 years before he passed away. So suicide is currently not a choice but getting as far away from them now is essential.

[@CH-in8dm]

@@avalonmist254 sorry for you girl. It's an unbearable pain. I'm going to a Trauma Informed Psychologist to have grief counselling for "stuck grief".......I've stopped asking, pleading begging for basic human decency....they don't have any. I'm not going to let them take the rest of my life. Best wishes to you

[@christineplaton3048]

It's painful but no one deserves to be under chronic attack. I stopped by avoiding them. I have PTSD, and anxiety. I have a daughter in law who has hated me and would never let my son near me without punishing us both. Over the years she has destroyed his personality and it affects him emotionally. He's not at peace and never will be, with her. She's a narcissist. It's very painful to navigate and It is serious, and to manage I have to avoid them. All the be as sweet as I could be never worked. I'm done with being attacked. I do not try any longer. I can live without my family is correct. It hurts, but exactly as you say, I deserve my inner peace. Thank you for validating exactly what I am living. Without a degree in psych, without proper navigation it's better to avoid them. It's a really difficult world. Narcissistic types of people are everywhere.

[@KoolT]

Be A MIRROR NOT A SPONGE ❤❤❤❤❤

[@madeleinegrayson8372]

And nothing pisses them off like a mirror, let me tell ya, lol. 😂

[@Marketsolo]

My mom never wanted me when I was born it was traumatic for her..her plans for her life ruined. (I found out later) it was 7 more years before my brother was born. He became her crowning achievement. I became the "sibling who would hurt her brother". ..as we grew naturally I was held to higher standards, received regular beatings for anything I did wrong. I left home at 20 to marry- mostly to escape. I didn't realize he was just like my mom. In the meantime my brother never ever was beaten, nor subjected to hours long lectures on all my sins. He got cars, anything he wanted (I had learned to never ask for what I wanted as it meant I'd never get it)..college paid for etc. When my parents came into money, they bought him a house. They asked what my balance was on my house ( less thsn half of what they paid for my brothers house), but they said "oh, no, thats too much.". They then bought themselves a big property and I was told, its about what we paid for brothers, so one day it will be yours. Then, my dad gave it away. When he died, he had named me executor. However, almost immediately my mom started in on making my brother either co-executor or sole. I let her know I was hurt by that. She smirked (!@) and said well, I wouldn't want thst. In the meantime they also gave brother lots of the furniture they had made, expensive jewelry dad bought mom etc etc...while I as usual got nothing. Mom finally sold the house they ended up with (on the property originally supposed to be mine) and moved to the city near my brother. Since then, I have struggled financially as I divorced 9 years ago. I have learned never to ask for financial help from my mom. I also keep communicating at a minimum. I also know to expect nothing when she dies as I know my brother will take the rest as his due, while I the scapegoat receives what I "deserve". It hurt but is what I need.

[@fredhubbard7210]

I thought I had it bad... That really sucks.

[@gracemcloughlin9305]

Sounds very familiar. Gave my life to my mom, but I could never do enough. My brother was always her favourite (and she tells me so). You have to grow a new parent, one that you should have had, and take care for you.

[@emilieholtmeier2409]

You sound like me.

[@namedrop721]

Why do you communicate with them at all though?

[@lynndavis2884]

I'm going through the same thing. All I am leaving my family with is a lock of my mother's hair and some photos while my brother walks away with everything.

[@Charm-nb1ky]

Peace is very important. I can definitely live without my family. Your spot on👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾

[@jerrywise]

Calmness is everything.. Sometime some distance from our family can be helpful for our healing, but it's important to remember that the goal isn't to get ourselves out of the family but to get the family out of us. This might interest you- jerrywise.ac-page.com/foo-full-month-workshop

[@ARK-xm2nb]

It's dehumanizing... It's complete chaos lias and more. I'm destitute now. I almost lost my faith. I almost lost my mind. It's like my finances and character wasn't enough. They are after my identity ability to be myself who I want to be or have a relationship with my children. I have nothing and they still hitting me financially with litigation. I just pray to be where they can't manipulate my environment economic situation and all really.

[@diannerussell4849]

Psychology should be a standard subject taught in middle high schools for teenage students aged between 16 to 18 so that when they leave school and the family home they will be better equipped to recognise red flags in their family , at school, in the work place, at Colledge or when dating. I think a lot of people don't understand what constitutes as abuse or harrassment. Anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable thats a red flag. I seem to be a magnet for the mentally disturbed or for men who suffer from sexual delusion who think all I have to do is go down the road and pick up an instant girlfriend . Life doesn't operate like that in healthy thinking human beings. There are a lot of dysfunctional people out there in the world. As with bullies within the family, work place , church , social situations , school , if kids were equipped with learning The machinations of how some people operate and what is abuse and what isn't, we can disarm abuse and cut that person from our life before they cause harm.

[@jerrywise]

I wish more kids were taught this too. And hope this happens in the future. There is definitely more awareness today and even the awareness of adults could help to pass this on to their kids

[@j.rebekah8605]

My mother, in her irresponsible ditzy act, leaves things in weird places where people trip, doesnt keep things clean, creates towers of hoarded boxes that she wont let anyone tidy up and its a safety hazard. Whenever i act on something she says, oh its not a good time to do that. Well, its never a good time. This particular project hasnt been touched in twenty years. I also wonder if i bring critical people into my life. My new friend is nice but wants to point out my physical flaws. Yes i have rosacea and a bunion! Why would anyone mention such things? Im also a beautiful woman! I feel like a lot of people are really unkind. Ive felt rejected a lot in the last few years. My fiance died, i moved back in with my mom and dad as a 45 year old, and i dont feel like i have any way out. I think i need counseling. I also have a lot of great things in my life.... Life is short, you're right! Thanks!

[@sharonhainesNumber1Red]

Go Non Contact, like I did. Scapegoat no more!!

[@sallyjandric8260]

awesome video Jerry Wise, you've summed up my life in 40 minutes. I have been the scapegoat, attached, punching bag, mobbed, since 12 years of age basically my whole life(now in my 70's), I tried and tried became the 'people pleaser' to be accepted BUT nothing I did was ever accepted now I have walked away from the family (6 years ago) but it doesn't mean I am happy, one positive is that I have become very capable person which actually has caused jealousy with my sisters (the oldest sister has mental issues analysed by 2 doctors). My mum past away I was not even informed that she was dying I was totally excluded. Now my daughter has taken on the job of abusing me, being a single mum I went above and beyond to help and give my daughter everything possible due to not having aunties, cousins or her father there. True I don't understand 'boundaries' but I have walked away from my family including my daughter which is devastating as now I don't see my beautiful grandson. But I am not allowing any more attacks, bullying being their dart board even if it means never to see any of them again including my daughter and my beautiful grandson. Am I doing the right thing ? I am tired of being abused.

[@jerrywise]

Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations

[@cottonflannigan3671]

Me too. God Bless You.

[@sll110]

absolutely right, you need therapist

[@pennyc7064]

This information is so so good! I so wish I knew this decades ago, my life would have made more sense. I thought it was only my family having these issues.

[@jerrywise]

Glad it was helpful!

[@trish1262]

Me too!

[@smithlavelle9340]

I have mental heath issues and it seems every Friday they mess with me comments on my fb sends me text phone calls. So today I took a step of blocking them I am not going to let anyone ruin the day 😊

[@user-tw5qi6hv2m]

❤ after the grieving of the unsupportive family is, maybe we can find a few people who are experiencing the same thing to sort of form a support for the person in recovery.🎉

[@cortneybrown6812]

I am the scapegoat of a Narcissistic family. I am also codependent (breaking it after a lot of therapy) and have ADHD and CPTSD. Both of my adult sons have been told half truths about me their entire lives by their Malignant Narcissistic father , my Narc sister and Mother- I was told for years by counselors to keep them away and I didn’t want to take them from cousins etc . They are also narcissistic with my oldest being severely narcissistic, and my 19-year-old following suit. They look at me like the cause of all of the problems, and no matter how many times and try to be accountable for their experience with me, self, reflect, and tell them how sorry I am for my past choices with toxic men and my alcoholism. I will never live past the box they’re putting in. I had no boundaries, I let my family mock me tease me, and it was my job to be the peacekeeper, doormat and family counselor for the most part. Now that I have healed and trying to put my life together with 10 years of sobriety, it’s like it’s too late. Any boundary is me power tripping now. There’s no accountability for the words or actions of the treatment that is being done to me by my adult children, and I realizing they believe stories that are untrue from their father That I never thought they even knew. Everyone often tease me our name called me around them when they were growing up because I had dysfunctional toxic relationships and struggled with alcohol , of course I took blame. If I became stronger or better is when the abuse got worse. I’m a Christ follower and have become a new creation, but my children will not see that. They still gravitate towards their father, who has neglected them for most of their life with me I guess just as a bank. I think I’ve gotten so good at gaslighting myself that I’ve made it my problem and have sent so many emails begging for them to go to counseling with me and trying to be accountable for anything that they believe at this point even if its not true. God has given me a lot of healthy friends, and Church family that are not toxic and I am 100% better than I was for most of my life back then. Putting up boundaries with my sister and going no contact who is severely narcissistic and did a lot of damage, and my mom has been the most freeing for me. My youngest son used to say that he saw the toxicity, and then he met a girl who was just like them, and now he is treating me the way that they do. It’s hard not to let it get me down. I certainly don’t want to be a victim, I just want to know that I’ve done everything I can. I have no problem taking accountability for my part at all. I’m just care that my boys stop hurting inside. I wish I could turn back time and do everything different but I can’t.

[@elizabethdarley8646]

My family beat me up. I was the family scapegoat til this year. They smashed me up when I was 12 in front of all my 12 year old friends with no other adults there to witness it. I told the police and they said it is not abuse, just bad parenting.

[@BeatzByMK]

Cut my whole family off, I have no one but at least I’m not in constant pain anymore.

[@jerrywise]

Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations

[@majakolonja4266]

I'm about to do the same 🙂

[@emmabalartvilanova1174]

I recognize the narcissistic estructure of my family since a year ago, but I could not see my mum as a narcise until two months ago: my sister tried to destroy my boundaries and I realized my mum was behind it. I left the dinner but by phone I make my mom responsable. A month later I had another lunch with the same members and everything was fine. My mum was trying to divide us and I am glad I realized it. I use to phone her everyday. Now I talk to her once a month. Really feel good. Very interesting the idea than the conflict comes from a need of the family structure!!!💡 Thank you very much!!!🙏

[@jerrywise]

Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations

[@lesly9101]

That’s truly powerful stuff! Merely calling the mess by its real name is already an eye-opener…!

[@jerrywise]

Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations

[@christinerobertson9596]

This is so incredibly helpful. I am the attacked one in my family- Mother, daughter , ex, and even son to a degree attacks my character. Daughter who is enmeshed with Narcissistic ex denies me contact with her and my grandchildren. Is a husband who has avoided intimacy with emotional distance and has had a secret pornography addiction a form of attacking? (Husband is 8 1/2 months sober from the pornography.) He "assures" me he's done forever. Mother is the controlling ring leader triangulating with MY family: exes, husband, children, etc... Thank you for this!!!!

[@jerrywise]

Families can be very difficult Christine Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations

[@lindareel1607]

This is one of my favorite videos! Wonderful insights, into family life as the person being attacked and useful tools as well! Thank you!

[@jerrywise]

Glad you enjoyed it! miss talking with you

[@magustacrae]

Great information, thank you. I know and have lived all of this. Never really felt the knife edge of all this until I became older, kids left for college, and no longer had the "family" that I could nurture,... As I reached to foo, wow! All the crap I ignored, denied, was just crystal clear. Hell childhood, wonderful young adulthood,(solo,), then with kids, everyone doted my kids,but when they were gone to school, I was sent directly back to the scapegoat penalty box, very eye opening, painful, and disorienting. Best to all of you/us TRYING to continue to grow as individual humans in this world where we are all trying to manage body, mind,emotion, and spirit. Love to all of you!!!

[@KoolT]

This is SO GREAT bc O had to remove myself from an attacking family in Florida where I was yelled at and attacked. I babysat free daily and many weekends, but they all lived beside each other and i was constantly watched and criticized

[@JacquiQ]

i am not the only one on the family they have 'hated on" and been mean to and ghosted but it feels like I am the only one . I am so hurt by them. they have judged me and punished me. I do this to others too. I think we are all as bad as each other. I am NC officially after being outed decades ago. they think it is all my issue. I feel like they also gas light and bully me. They have also smear campaigned me to others. And yet in the scheme of things I cannot see what I have done to any of them that is that bad. My inner peace has def evaporated, they make me emotionally and physically ill. I am an adoptee so they are not my clan anyway but I have no doubt learnt similar behaviour as them growing up.

[@feather_333]

You own up to your behavior which is not something a narcissistic person does. So maybe you aren't 😮 it's good you're self aware!!

[@fireupyourheartfortruth]

This is great understanding of some of the sickest family networks.

[@junepeyer1200]

An update to my original comment about flying back east; The experience was calm and the niece who was holding my personal property was welcoming. She shared her experience in her family of origin which turns out to be very similar to my own scapegoating in my family of origin. Needless to say we are a support network now for each other. Her husband is supportive of her efforts to resolve the family dysfunction from her family of origin in her own life. The experience turned out to be a very healing encounter for all three of us! This is a testimony to the ability to see clearly by acknowledging the dysfunction of our families and working hard to heal it with us. There’s no shame in it. Unfortunately, as we share a common scapegoat role in our family of origin, we share ways to resolve our reaction to it and heal ourselves. I’m surprised, overjoyed and look forward to rekindling, so to speak, my relationship with my niece and her husband. Silver lining,s -eh? !!! Absolutely out there!

[@KastenBuleleng]

68 years old and just trying to protect myself and behave differently after years of trying please...

[@LemonScissors]

I consider you a member of my chosen family ♥ Sooo healthy and grounding to have someone like you to listen to ♥♥

[@Tearsofasilentheart]

Im the scapegoat always have been. My brother the golden child. I GOT AWAY at 24 thank god. My brother still lives under their control. Its very very traumatising.

[@jerrywise]

Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations

[@natural3362]

I'll never put myself down and allow myself to be hurt to please toxic people. Never. The love that God has for me is higher. The love that God has for me is powerful. I'm powerful. I was meant for a position of power. I was meant for a position of powerful.

[@KoolT]

Observe don't absorb

[@Somebodysomewheresometime]

My kids have become shells of what they were before their father (a narcissist)and I split. I raised them primarily (he traveled 90% of the time) with Waldorf education, didn’t V them, taught them spirituality, the power of nature, energy healing , empathy, compassion and never did the princess I need a man to save me thing. I raised them strong- or so I thought. It’s all gone now. They’ve become him in so many ways. They’ve been alienated now for a year :( I’m a “conspiracy theorist” to them- they’ve been completely indoctrinated. My oldest cuts and would call me from his house late at night crying after she did this / she got an eating disorder so “her father would notice her”. My youngest is boy crazy and on tiktok all the time - looking for validation since she isn’t getting it from him. It tears me up but they won’t respond to me. I believe I’m blocked from their phones . He’s destroying them but has smeared me to hell and back. I honestly fear for their future. I’m working with a therapist now who specializes in this but damn… it’s like watching your child die in slow motion while my hands are in shackles.

[@jerrywise]

It sounds terrible to go through this. Keep doing the inner work, you can only change your own functioning, keep focusing on that.

[@Somebodysomewheresometime]

@@jerrywise thank you Jerry❤️

[@cottonflannigan3671]

Divorcing a narcissist is WAR! I have known devastation and destruction since 2006, when I started trying to get a divorce. My husband did not touch me in any way for 13 years. I could not get divorced for 8 years. He did everything under the sun to prevent it. He said, " I ain't paying no Bitch to raise my kids." My relationships with 3 of my 4 children are non- existent...Thanks to my narcissistic ex husband. I truly do not understand! My ex husband treated my children like crap, but they are loyal to him... Satan is alive and well. God Bless You.

[@trish1262]

Has Alexa been “talking” with you?? I’m really there right now! You keep coming through to me at just the right time!! Thank you for this!!

[@jerrywise]

I'm so glad! Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations

[@KoolT]

My sister dated an AIRFORCE psychology counselor but they broke up. He says just don't go around them

[@joannemonast8670]

Denial is not a cure for truthfulness unwelcome!

[@Realtalknewyorkwithjanique]

Some people are so toxic Best to just cut them out of your life for good

[@Charlotte_2648]

Thank you for what you do!

[@jerrywise]

Welcome! Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations

[@Michelle_9_27]

I always felt like the little puppy or baby bird that gets shunned out of the litter or nest for being different. I really believe now that this is a common way of life . Thanks for all your great insight & informative information

[@lovesings2us]

Thank you so much for this, Jerry Wise! I loved the learning and took notes. This is the first time I've heard the topic of families who attack, addressed in a public way. I'm so happy to witness your exploration of this topic - happy for me as I rise up and happy for our collective mental health. The ancient silence around this issue, while understandable and at times necessarily protective of those of us who are targeted, must, I feel, be broken at times, not only to allow healing to happen, but also to let abusers know we see what's going on and it's unacceptable.

[@jerrywise]

Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations

[@madeleinegrayson8372]

My mother makes sure that the rest of the family sees her tears when we clash, and then they come after me. Or they used to. Once I cut them all out, it tapered off. They were always so easily duped by her temper tantrums. If only they'd seen the hundred or so times in my life she made me cry, feel worthless, invisible, and come very close to suicide. I doubt they'd care, but at least some of them would question the story they've been told. But it will never happen.

[@tan75061]

I been attacked by my family and mentally abused hurt 😢 and it’s scared me a lot . Yes I can without my family since last month I been attacked by them and I really lose trust on them completely because I can’t be myself and they’re trying locked my own money that’s I earned and my hardest work with blood sweat and tears .

[@jerrywise]

i hope you find the strength to deal with and overcome this❤️

[@lisaratley4858]

When you realize you’re the black sheep (and successful) and your family members either outright attack you, blame you…. Or they refuse to ‘understand’ what you are saying. You can’t make logic out of crazy people!

[@lisadsignstyle8218]

there attack is not always because of their own pain and weaknesses. It can be to kick the scapegoat out of the will so they get a bigger inheritance for themselves for their own financial gain.

[@SL-bo7ui]

With my family there’s no way I can confront them regarding their attacks. That would only cause them to attack more and they would create a bigger smear campaign. My only refuge is to go gray rock and not give them any new info about my life.

[@MJ-qb5ph]

I hear you. In y case in the end no contact was the final solution

[@kareemmohammed5270]

wow, this was epic! you drop so many bombs and gems in this one Jerry. deep insight, resonate, much appreciated as always.

[@rascallyrabbit]

people do what they know..over and over and over. hence, the biblical advice, "come out from among them, leave your father and mother, " in other words, get the hell out, run because they only know non loving behaviors and they have taught them to us

[@rosel9785]

Jerry, You are my lifeline right now. I am so thankful a friend (from Europe) told me about you. Thank you, Rosie

[@judycampbell7821]

Thank you! I am coming out of the other end of the tunnel. As I listen to your video, this is right where I’m at and I appreciate you. Thank you for helping me.

[@A.JayWeber]

@JerryWise. I know people pay for this but I'm giving it a shot. I just finished your self differentiation playlist. You mentioned how staying in self definition during resistance, can take a tole on your physical body. This year after putting these videos into practice (including not being reactive) I have been having several new physical issues. I won't list them now. If at all possible maybe you and Yitz Goldberg could do a video on the physical side affects of Self Defining. I have yet to see an in depth video on the internet on how they are connected and are all too real. (Also Steven Pressfield Talks about resistance in The War Of Art and Turning Pro. Pretty cool.)

[@NebraskaFamily4ever]

The keep trying harder loop. 100% Thank you for explaining this.

[@jerrywise]

Glad it helped! Thank you for watching. Any donation would help in making these videos. www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations

[@Beecosy]

Great informative videos, thank you for your wisdom. Do you have any videos regarding the attacks coming from a parent/in-law via a gang of non family members including links to work, authority figures (police, health workers, local government), neighbours etc it's a huge network of hate and poison. (the parent appears to be squeaky clean and now estranged but attacks keep coming from other sources. This is decades of abuse and for the child a lifetime). Thank you for any help. For anyone going through this it is truly awful, keep strong, sadly even going no contact does not always stop their abuse.

[@1dbelling]

This video is exactly what I needed to hear today

[@jerrywise]

I'm glad the video was helpful Debbie ❤️

[@aquacantstopwontstopspiritual]

This is My Major Concern 🙁 my family attack me when my daughter passed away in December my brother slice my tires 🛞 not ones time but twice in within one month

[@ccleo3590]

I grew up being the scapegoat child, my brother the golden child. Father an abusive alcoholic psychopath/Malignant narcissist. Mother Covert Narcissist/co dependence. Didn’t realize what was happening until I moved (identity theft) my kids and I back into my childhood home with my parents. Mother filed for divorce from my dad, they were living there together but not speaking to each other, mother the powerless bc the powerful controller when I asked her not to talk about personal things with my kids. She became like my dad, the roles reversed. And I saw my mother for who she was all these years. I could feel the intense energy. And I started researching what was unraveling around me. And as a result of being re-traumatized, gaslighting, turning my teenagers against their own mother, teaching my kids to turn on me, isolation, stealing, destroying property, telling everyone that would listen that I’m this horrible person and mother. Coercive control by both parents, using identity theft, torn tendon as leverage to destroy me. I noticed in 2 weeks what was really happening, tried to defend myself, and it cost me the relationships with my 19 yr old son and 15 yr old daughter. It all makes sense. My youngest son 9 is the scapegoat (my role) my daughter the golden child (my brother’s role) and I had to finally walk away after all of our belongings were trashed, and thrown away. My 9 year old I were verbally and emotionally abused every day, alienated from my daughter. The first few weeks I was isolated, lonely, scared and sad. My 9 yr old and I hid for fear from our family bc the non custodial father (who barely had a relationship with his kids) had worked side by side with the abusers, hid my daughter for a week and would not tell me where she was. And ultimately tried to get my son away from me! Toxic abusive grandparents and my adult narcissistic son are still holding my daughter and Have not heard her voice, wrapped my arms around her, loved on her since July 26 (a birthday I will never forget) and our family dog we miss very much. it kills me a little more each day! Jerry Wise, you are one of many who has given me hope, understanding. Enlightenment, courage, self care, and with that the strength to get my daughter away from these monsters. I do realize the battles I will face and there is no guarantee that my daughter will ever want a relationship with her me( her mother). It’s a risk I am willing to take. Living life in constant fear, abuse, toxicity, manipulation, coercive control, and down right psychopaths is not a life at all. I choose to stand up and fight! To take a stand and end the cycle of Family violence in my family .

[@wayfarinstranger2444]

Be a mirror, not a sponge!! Love it!!!❤

[@karishort1891]

Thank you for making these videos. They help me not feel so alone 🙏

[@jerrywise]

You are so welcome Kari, I'm glad you find my videos helpful❤️ You might enjoy one of my favorite videos iv'e made on the topic of feeling alone- healing your aloneness: kzbin.info/www/bejne/Z2i4fH-GadOLl5o

[@Darkeyes3259]

😂 i have been watching these mainly to learn about my husband's family and how to navigate our situation (we are the scapegoats and now, during limited interactions, our children are in that role). I laughed out loud when hearing you (and the personal experience you may be pulling from, Jerry) are from INDIANA!!! HAHHA. Our people are from Auburn and FtWayne.

[@Imnotyourdoormat]

🎯Best Thumbnail hahaha Except my target was mounted just a lil bit lower than yours no LOL...

[@turiddumamutones7045]

I agree with everything you say. My father was Narcissist (diagnosed by doctors) and also his parents and grandparents. The origin of the illness is very far in the past (as you say at minute 17:40) ["five generations of history"].