Narcissistic Family: Do This To Finally Get Them OUT OF YOU

[@jerrywise]

Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self

[@IamBeautyBraeden]

COURSE SUPPORT NETWORK

[@louiepossemato5174]

Jerry please help me. I'd be glad to pay for a session but I need help desperately

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

As my therapist said to me on another issue: "Jeff, there's no gold in that mine."

[@gugubanda9608]

I feel that and I know exactly the emptiness you're referring to.

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

"She never was and never will be the mother that I needed." This was given to me.

[@ToastyChips]

God bless you in abundance ❤

[@elizabethtowers3321]

Yes, absolute detachment. I am detached from my narcissist. I expect this person to behave badly and have detached myself emotionally from their nonsense. Once we do that we have won the war. they have no effect on us emotionally; we know what to expect; we know it isn't our fault but it's their behavior and we can deal with it appropriately. I learned to do this as an adult to protect myself from the family narcissist. I quit asking why this person treated me so badly (scapegoat here) and decided to look at the entire situation and block my emotional reaction. It worked wonders for me.

[@Mrs_SmellTheRoses]

I’m just getting to this point. I’ve been detached since October. Thanksgiving was incredible for my family and I, I look forward to keeping this up for us. My mother is the narcissist in our lives

[@Misfit-from-Zanti]

​@@Mrs_SmellTheRosesthis is My first Thanksgiving too. Great Time.., no mother, no ex. Ex also a narcissist.

[@elizabethtowers3321]

@@Mrs_SmellTheRoses Yes, it's my mom as well. I haven't spent a Christmas with her in over 30 years; Im not good enough LOL but for a few years now, not spending time with her has been my choice. Deciding when to talk to her etc. is my choice and I know the nastiness will happen but am able to not feel anything when she is nasty. It's so nice

[@sage9836]

This is inspiring how you recap the principles of how to deal with this and it's clear they are integrated into your practice. I can feel the solid calmness in your comment.

[@elizabethtowers3321]

@@Mrs_SmellTheRoses I still love my mom very much; I call her and make sure she is ok; I text/email her here and there. I simply recognize I don't mean much to her but I continue to be a good daughter from a distance. It's who I am. No more emotional pain though.

[@malwads1836]

🤔I 💭 the reason why so many of us ACONS focus so much on learning about narcs instead of our own personal trauma at least at 1st is that we were literally TRAINED to focus only on our narc parent(s) instead of focusing on our own needs🙄.It really is refreshing when you start finally learning to focus on yourself, that's why this kind of content is incredibly refreshing.

[@jerrywise]

Yep. They trained you to focus on them, true recovery is about you not them

[@geraldinenolan6312]

And I grew up with a narcissist mother.... and NO other family members. All her choice. Its screwed my up royally. But I always felt determined somewhere in my soul to stand up to it! Obviously my attitude didn't help.....I'm better now. And growing up with this 1 patent hasn't left me bitter. I was traumatised.... its taken this many years.. and my mother's death 32 years ago... to heal myself without guilt

[@jo-ann2014]

So true. And focusing on self feels so wrong to me and extremely self-centred but I believe the ‘wise’ words

[@crowdfundyourdream]

I'm grateful that it's not until very recently my therapist used the N word to describe my father. I had the luxury of focusing on my trauma and CPTSD first, and now I have a new framework to understand it. 🙏🏾

[@orianam9835]

@@jo-ann2014 you are the most important person on this planet. So why not give it some TLC?

[@jwhite5396]

“I need to keep this guilt, if I want to keep this relationship with my mother going.” Jerry, you hit the nail on the head with that question and your answer.

[@kathanson584]

I agree with you. If I let go of my anger towards my family, it would be the last link in the chain of connection to absolutely nothing (otherwise known as my family). It is time. I never thought of this before. Hopefully, I will get someplace with this new thought process. Regards to all.

[@jo-ann2014]

Good luck!

[@luvmycountry777]

Thank you Jerry for this enlightening detail. It helped me understand why I hadn't fully detached.

[@finsterthecat]

@@kathanson584same with me. I am pissed off. This makes me realize that once the anger goes the illusion of them making up with me goes as well.

[@dennisrobinson8008]

"Get them out of you" Is the right way to say it. Their system emotions and energy get IN you.

[@athena3865]

When I tried to detach, my late father would call me demanding I call. I was living in another state, married, and in my 50s. The only way it finally ended was when they both passed. I am now 66 and still haunted by them, daily.

[@finsterthecat]

@@athena3865my narc mother passed away 2 years ago and the family system continues in that I am the outsider. I don’t grieve her.

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

You better not have feelings. The way that I see that now looking back is the person who could have feelings and/or be upset about anything was mom. We were to suck it up, shut up, or wr were given something to cry for. The more that I look back, the greater my appreciation for getting the **** out of her house.

[@maplelatte3366]

So much this. Mine is 87. I have become physically ill to the point where I literally can't go and emotionally "hold her hand." I'm strangely thankful for that. I've been expected to suck it up and do it, anyhow. She still expects it. For example, the other day, I wasn't even able to get ready to go spend a week with her as she requested, so I compromised and went shopping with her. I couldn't breathe, and I was doing everything I could to stay upright. (I use an electric wheelchair at home because of this, but she has never seen me in it. I can't take the wheelchair with me when I go with her.) She became angry because she thought I was in "such a bad mood." It doesn't register with her that I'm in physical distress, not trying to give her attitude. She takes my inability to serve her as a personal affront.

[@cesium7907]

@@maplelatte3366 Maybe you should take distance from her. You don´t owe her anything.

[@annikaakerholm6433]

@@maplelatte3366 She is killing you. Your body is dieing and you still go to her. For heavens sake say no to yourself and the narc. Listen to your soul, heart. When are you going to stand up for yourself and your innerchild? When are you going to be an adult?

[@annikaakerholm6433]

Put your needs before the slaveholder. Please know you have a choice. You are an adult and so is she. You are both capable to change behaviour - really hard but one footh in front of the other and lots of praise and love for yourself. What a great video Jerry and the comment by Elisabeth about detachment! "I expect this person to behave badly and have attached myself emotionally from the nonsens. Then we have won the war (bc a war it really has been) and it doesn´t affect us emotionally. Thease last days I´ve been asking and asking what and how to go about my guilt and this video emerged. Thank you universum, my guids and angels!

[@JeliOra]

I feel spiritually unwell after my mother visits me: I go into depression and anxiety, completely shaken up by her presence. She made my upbringing miserable

[@casperlory]

Both my parents were narcissists: mom overt, pop covert. By the time I was 6, I hated my mother. I finally figured out my dad after he died - my late 40s and then hated him. It's finally taken my early 70s to realize their behavior toward me was their choice. Nothing was wrong w/me. It's still extremely hard to forgive them even tho it's to my benefit. They're the ones who will pay the price. I've paid mine.

[@malwads1836]

Forgiveness for yourself is what truly matters......You can have forgiveness for yourself without EVER having any form of reconciliation with abusive individuals whether ☠️ or alive & you should never feel pressured to do anything for a abuser's benefit...Just try to work on having ❤️, kindness,& forgiveness for yourself so you don't struggle with the burden of it eating away at you🌞👍.Warm wishes for your peace.

[@kissit012]

It benefits you more to forgive yourself, not them. They don’t deserve forgiveness for what they weren’t sorry for and chose to do. It wasn’t ok, you don’t have to be ok with them or their behavior. Be ok with you and the way you learned to live despite their actions

[@deenababie]

Lots of anger and hate here. Sadly, true healing comes when you have none of that and just move on. I feel no anger and just feel sorry for both my parents and now adult sibs. It feels wonderful to let go of the hate and anger. I wish anyone holding onto that the ability to reach the next plateau of healing and to shed the albatross of hate. What a free feeling it is. Nothing seems to be able to touch you or even harm you this level and I wish for anyone who has been harmed to have it.

[@bridgettetraveler658]

I have a narcissistic family. I've forgiven them & gone very little contact with them. I feel so much freedom with them out of my mind & life. I've given my heart to CHRIST JESUS & he's set me free indeed!!!

[@JWayne-ej4jy]

I've paid my time And a new life is MINE 🎉 ENJOY TODAY ❤

[@mikehess4494]

Navigating the sea of broken people.

[@sofiabelfelice1108]

I use it. I tell myself I am the strongest person I know. When I have something I'm anxious about, I tell myself I survived 14 years living with her and 40 years of her in my life ( been no contact for 6 years) I can cope with anything. I'm working looking after and loving myself and putting myself first without feeling selfish ❤ Good luck to anyone reading this x

[@Helena-tw7pj]

All those years in therapy and only speak about me and never ever toucht the topic of familysystem or I never heard that narc even excisted. No wonder I never healed.

[@moscowcowboy_13]

I told my abusive parent I no longer care what you feel about me, the healing started then over a year ago.

[@patriciamurphy6559]

❤❤❤

[@jessicaabbott10]

I resonated with this a lot. My mother is narcissistic, but I always felt sorry for her because my dad was a substance abuser. My dad on the other hand is perpetually abused by my mom, hence the substance abuse. For me to break out of contact with BOTH of them riddled me with more guilt than I can explain. I had absolutely no choice but to live my life and let it go. As long as I have contact with them, I will be tortured by the whole family dynamic. I have to let go the fantasy that they will change. THEY have to choose that. My association with them will accomplish nothing except kill me.

[@annapintor2648]

Luckily I moved to the other side of the world from my mom in my 20s. I didn’t realize what was wrong at the time but I knew I needed to put distance between us. Now at 40 I’m realized by what was actually going on, and it still hurts.

[@elizabethtowers3321]

Let me tell a story. I'll set the stage: I had heart failure back in January 2-23 and they discovered a partially dead heart, a completely closed off artery Im alive because my body grew two new collateral arteries. A few months later my mother went in for surgery to have a small tumor removed and had to go for chemo. I made a point to call her every other day, sent flowers a few times to cheer her up and so on, I love her. Im in bad shape at the moment but a short while ago she wanted to know if I would move hundreds of miles to move in with her and take care of her. No consideration for my health at all. She can't stand me/tells me that at least a few times a year/ she can't stand sick ppl. I could have been mean or rude but instead I simply pointed out how not well I am right now and she said, "so if I move you in to take care of me I might wind up taking care of you? Oh well, never mind". This is when our sense of humor and self protection needs to be applied. I still laugh about this because it shows how self centered she is and that it's not me. It's all good. I do love my mom anyway.

[@Theowlhawk]

If only they loved us back! ❤not in their nature, sadly

[@purvamandlik4696]

I realised in my 40s that my mother neglected me and never looked at me even when I had serious sicknesses in childhood.

[@elizabethtowers3321]

I have a brother, a sister who is an RN and a step brother who all live within 15 minutes of her along with two adult grand children. absolutely no need for me to move hundreds of miles across a few state lines to take care of her. thank you to everyone who shared/commented. I wish us all the very best. We will heal.

[@purvamandlik4696]

@@elizabethtowers3321 i think your mother wants fresh narc supply from you, the others must have turned stale by now for her. You please take care of yourself 💟

[@bluemoon8268]

… I think you probably love the mother that you never had … at least, that is what I understand about my own feelings and my relationship with a self-centered covert mother …

[@patriciamurphy6559]

Yes!! Have gotten to this point thanks to many years on self work and listening to all your videos. 😊 lt does NOT bother me, when they make their negative comments now. I walk away and don't react and l am at peace after doing so. Was concerned about Thanksgiving, family together, but l made it through fine! It's over, l am happy and at peace! Also, l've noticed they don't criticize as much now since l dont react.Thank you SOOOOO much Jerry, thank you! ❤😊❤

[@kelseyalder8760]

Talk about your feelings only to get a reply.. “Grow up! You just need to grow up!”

[@Sil7531]

They haven't real feelings, so they can't really understand what you are talking about

[@kayleethegreat111]

I think they have feelings they are just so immature they can't deal with them. I mean thier tantrums solidify their emotionalness to me.

[@joannesaltfleet2071]

I had the grow up insult thrown at me many times as well!

[@anasydney6587]

This is absolutely brilliant, Jerry!

[@jerrywise]

Thanks for watching!

[@Wetlandlady87]

I have watched so many videos and spent so much time reading about narcissists, trauma, CPTSD and this is one of the best videos I’ve seen because of the focus on the individual in the system. Please keep elevating this content, Jerry! 👏🏼

[@Donkey1668]

My mother passed away so I’m free and I’ve gone no ctc with my brother but not before they destroyed my life. I hate myself now for all I et them take away from me. So, they succeeded

[@athena3865]

I was told 40 years ago in therapy, "They may have sad stories, though it wasn't what you needed."

[@kathleendinsmore7588]

Setting inner boundaries is vitally important. Emotional detachment can save the day when dealing with narcissists because let’s be truthful. Narcissists believe boundaries are there for the purpose of being trampled on.

[@WeissdornDE1]

I had a problem. I learned that detachment meant not to having feelings. So I tried not to have any kind of feelings. The abuse was still there, and because I did not react, the abuse became more intense. And so my mind would simply turn off. I ended up dissociating every time I felt anxious, irritated, unaccepted, challenged, angry, shamed, or criticised. It reached a point to where I could not even control it. I had to learn in therapy not to detach from negative emotions. Dissociation became the problem bigger than abuse. It took a long time for me to learn how to stop detaching.

[@soniahathaway1]

I get you; I hope recovery is going well. 🎉

[@kimhumiston2686]

My narcisstic dad passed away at 101 years of age. About a year before he passed he made the comment my 2 younger sisters were the only kids that turned out decent. There were 5 kids total, and we all turned out pretty good considering we grew up in a narcissist household. Myself, my older sister and older brother have all been divorced, whereas the younger 2 haven't divorced. I wonder now if that is what dad meant by making that comment. I didn't ask at the time because by then I had figured him out and didn't want to give him any satisfaction. Oh by the way, I was trustee of his estate. Never knew what you were going to get. But, we all survived!

[@soniahathaway1]

Thank you for showing that amongst the trauma we can succeed pretty well. We do battle a lot of pain etc but we are very brave, strong people!

[@JenWIL641]

Does it really matter what dad may have thought? It was based on negativity.

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

And you must detach from some for your own well-being. I use one of three statements to help me do this: 1. I can't do anything about that. 2. Ultimately, that has nothing to do with me. 3. Carry not what is not yours to carry.

[@arasyard]

its sad but we really have to accept the fact that we do not have a parent who never and will think about our welfare. Now we can parent ourselves. give ourselves everything that we never had from them

[@jerrywise]

💯

[@SJ-km4db]

My father always has the habit of saying 'where did I go wrong' when it comes to my sisters and I. Despite the fact that we are all educated, employed, own our homes, etc. It's not good enough for him. My mother criticizes everything I do. I can never be good enough. My older sister is worse than both parents and my younger sister follows along with my older one. Needless to say, I have stopped communicating with all of them. And it saddens me daily. Weighs heavy on me. What scares me the most is that by disassociating with my family of origin, will my children do that to me? I'm close to both of them now, but what happens if they marry someone that twists what I did and make it out like I'm the bad guy? I'm not the same parent that my parents were to me. I don't criticize, compare, put down, etc. my children. I correct when needed, but never to make them feel horrible about themselves. I keep my sadness about my family to myself because it hurts too much to talk about. Not ever getting an apology or being treated like a pariah all the time is heartbreaking to me. I reached out to both sisters and my mother about my feelings and all of them ignored me. Went to a wedding over the summer and my mother didn't say 2 words to me sitting at the same table. My father chastised me and then told my husband to never talk to him again. I can never understand how a mother can sit at a table, in front of other family members, and not say two words to her own daughter. No matter how angry I might be at my children, NOT talking to them is not an option for me. I could never hurt my children intentionally that way. It's very painful to walk away. I don't have a sense of relief about it, just pure sadness.

[@MJS2376]

You are not alone. I believe you - and want to validate your feelings. I have the t shirt for this experience. Lol. It is the most lonely suffering - like a death....and it is a death: of the immediate biological family you want but won't ever have....my only advice is to daily comfort the person in you - call it your inner child - and tell her you're there and won't leave her (anymore)....you see, in these kinds of families we're only "accepted" if we abandon our true self. So we go through the years ignoring our own cries for love and acceptance - until we can't do this anymore....now is your turn to love that little one. I've literally sat with myself with my hand on my chest and belly and said "I'm here - I understand - I'll hold you until you can get up and do the next right thing"....there are good days, bad days - great days - and everything in between....but I'm here to tell you - if you do this and put your "life jacket on first"....you'll be able to offer this to your own children - and this will create a bond that will be hard for a narcissist/dark triad to break. Be still and listen to yourself and if you believe in God - invite Him to be present with you as you heal. I'm 12 years out from my family of origin. My life is full of love and people who care deeply for me....but this journey had to begin with the first step of holding on to and listening to my own heart. God bless dear one. You are not Alone. ❤

[@SJ-km4db]

@@MJS2376 Thank you for your kind words. It is a day by day process. I never imagined that I would get to the point of not being a part of my origin family. But then again, I was only good enough if I followed whatever told me I should do. I'm beginning to realize that my anxiety comes from them. The self-sabotaging constantly. Not following through with things started, etc. All admittance of thinking they were right about me. I hope in the future, I can become as healthy as you. I can't see it now but perhaps someday.

[@MJS2376]

@@SJ-km4db One day at a time. Learn to keep "your side of the street clean"...I'll pray for you. 🙏

[@JWayne-ej4jy]

Go where you are celebrated Not tolerated

[@debbierippy759]

It amazes me. Some people should never be allowed to have children. Ever.

[@jonellis6235]

I’m beginning to understand “ inner boundaries” and it’s very surprising.

[@jerrywise]

My program ‘Road to Self’ focuses on building inner boundaries, you can find more details here program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

Programmed to overlook or ignore trauma. Definitely.

[@everybodyneedsagoat3958]

ACONs I listened to Jerry Wise videos earlier this year and then started the online program. Do it. Quit dreaming they will love You and accept You one day. Start parenting and loving yourself. These videos will help you start that and then the online program will let you build on that and have less shaming and anxiety.

[@monicaperez2843]

They are on their journey, and I am on mine.

[@klaramolitva]

"If I don't feel guilty towards my mother we won't have a relationship'. Wow, that one hit me. Thank you! Now I understand one of the reasons why I'm holding onto all that guilt towards my parents. Without the guilt and the enmeshed codependence we will only have surface level interactions and probably not even a lot of those.

[@jeankipper6954]

Jerry, good info. One of your recent videos was about how normal families are. As you spoke here, to the effect "What would you ask of a good family interaction?", I could imagine a few nice things. Although, with multi generational CPTSD going on, well, it'd probably not get further than brief sentences about the current weather. Hum. Correction , often may not even get that far, before the drama commences. Can you please talk more about what normal families, people, actually do? This sounds like a dumb question. Maybe is. But it's real. Thanks

[@curiousarah7961]

Yes!!! That would be super helpful because it can be hard to know whether our family is healthy or not until you see how a healthy family communicates/interacts

[@sallybella8824]

Yes please, Jerry Wise. We would love to know what healthy families do.

[@kevmasengale6903]

I know what good families look like.... I was always so jealous of them, and still am to this day. I've said to a guys at work who are brothers, "I wish I had that kind of relationship with anyone in my family."

[@JWayne-ej4jy]

Healthy families have an do fun together The adults strive for preparing the younger ones for life in the big 🌎 world

[@dameanvil]

02:10 🌀 Understanding family systems anxiety is crucial for addressing underlying anxieties passed down through generations, aiding in a more comprehensive recovery. 03:48 🤝 Developing a sense of self within relationship systems fosters stronger, more resilient recovery than focusing solely on individual growth. 07:07 🛡 Inner boundaries and emotional detachment go beyond external boundaries; true detachment involves not allowing external actions to wound internally. 13:12 💔 Recognizing trauma and complex PTSD (CPTSD) experienced as a result of narcissistic parenting is crucial for a deeper understanding of personal struggles. 15:17 🔄 Recognizing and activating internal switches for self-awareness and self-direction, often turned off in early programming, is vital for personal growth and decision-making.

[@Ann-eb8dp]

We have been traumatized all our lives It is normal for us and so don't realise that thst is ehat is hoing on

[@valvel4358]

Basically, don't run away. Tackle the bull by the horns. Always felt that when I lived abroad (8+ years accumulated) I was able to be myself and when I am in my home country I become paralyzed trying to protect myself from my family. This is very insightful and promising yet terrifying for me. I got to do it, I got to find a way to be myself even if they are nearby.

[@jo-ann2014]

Exactly my experience living overseas and then coming home At 17, I was at the airport going on a several month backpacking trip in Europe (1973) My friends mother hugged her, told her she loved her and to keep safe. My mothers only worked da were, ‘I hope you change’ Confusion: good student, well behaved non-smoking, drinking daughter The contrast shocked and devastated But I did indeed return home after several months changed in realizing there was more to life than that family

[@bonnieyuse5876]

Im Good Enough... Im Smart Enough... And Gosh Darn it...I like me! ❤

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

Generational anxiety. My mother definitely had that and got it from her mother. For me, it was suffocating. That's one reason why I keep my distance.

[@aprildamski8365]

From having a chemical imbalance from all the abuse, therefore, I developed panic disorder. I had this for many years. I finally saw the right doctor and he put me on Paxil and BP meds. I was able to get rid of the constant severe panic attacks for good. I did not settle for a bandaid like drugs or alcohol, I wanted a cure. This is exactly when I physically started to heal. Just want to put this out there for my friends on here who are suffering from panic and anxiety disorders because of the abuse of a Narcissistic family.

[@jlambson82]

But, what do you do when the narcissistic parent singles out you as the responsible one, then black sheep when you reject their crap, when it comes to your siblings, who dont see or dont understand what the parent did to you? My siblings dont understand. My mom showered them with gifts, love and attention, because they "need her" and I didn't. They don't understand why I went no contact with her.

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

I have to give up my fantasies. Magical thinking.

[@kathleenklein4231]

I got over the guilt and allowing my mother to manipulate me when I got angry over the way she has treated me throughout my entire life.

[@dandoneral5405]

Working with a system? In a narcissistic system in which narcissist seeks gratification by successfully being able to tread on another, such a system, in itself, is extremely toxic. Developing, and learning an entirely new system may be absolutely necessary.

[@kismetkiss]

I don't often feel anxiety... I was always the one required to calm down anxiety in others so I've completely squashed my own down. People have told me that they find my presence very calming, but it's also extremely difficult for me to be vulnerable. I use humour to deflect sometimes, or don't notice when something I said is probably not a part of a normal childhood and other people are looking at me with open-mouthed shock. I can't tell anyone what I'm feeling because often I can't even identify feelings in myself. I'm working on it, but it's extremely hard for me.

[@jerrywise]

It’s okay not to be okay sometimes

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

Powerful and enlightening point regarding guilt and your mother. I had to reflect on that and my relationship with my mother and this came back to me: "All that you think that you loss was not worth having."

[@uk7769]

I know i have very explicitly communicated external boundaries in the past with my two parents and two siblings. But someday, sometime, months later, they will use that to make a joke about me, or bring up awful things that happened to me as a baby and child, at the worst possible moment, in social settings, knowing i won't call them out on it until later. Then they pretend "i didn't know" "don't be so sensitive" Fifty plus years of this very dysfunctional family system behaviors. jeesh. such a mess and i could never reach any of them, as a child, or now 50+ years later. thank you for another great video.

[@roxy7255]

Why do some scapegoats get stuck and not recover i.e spend their life trying to get the narcissistic parents approval?

[@lost.laurel]

Because they still believe the lie that they are the problem and the narc is actually good

[@bookkeepingsmes2089]

Jay Reid has a whole Yt channel, almost, on the scapegoat and how to move on, heal, and understand the personality of a scapegoat. Even though I've cut off years ago, I find almost every single video helpful/insightful to my recovery. Please check his channel. There is a video with your question too. Much love and good luck to you. There IS peace out there for you

[@keniasharpe1610]

Learning not to take in every body problems set boundaries and not lowering my standards

[@HeartFeltGesture]

Thank you for mentioning existential guilt. My mother told my sister and I more than once how we had interrupted her promising sports career. She would say it as though she was hard done by to be stuck with us. She chased away our father with her narcissistic rages. She met our stepfather 6 months later, (her enabler) she leveraged how uncomfortable we felt with this new man in our lives.

[@bobbarker1798]

Wow! Sick.

[@InsideOutsideSoul]

Very well explained to the point too. I can’t find the words for it but this is what happens a lot..

[@simonschneider5913]

my exwife is just like that. her mother is pure evil, she got at least a little bit better.

[@sharonrotenizer5646]

Next time she tells you and your sister that, remind her that she should have kept her legs together. And…get away from her!

[@HeartFeltGesture]

@@sharonrotenizer5646 She wouldnt dare say it these days. Yes, legs together, I have had the exact same thought of what I would have loved to have known to say when she said it to us as kids. These days, as an adult, I ask myself, how could a person, a mother no less, choose to continuously feel hard done by, for years on end and treat her children badly, insinuating to them that they ruined her life? I know the answer, a selfish, heartless, narcissist, who only postured to others, as a mother.

[@catherinestephen1573]

I remember a book I read years ago called “What You Think of Me is None of My Business “. I don’t remember the contents but the title always stuck with me.

[@fredworthmn]

The more I listen to Mr Wise the more I realize the the extreme rage visited on me was not normal even in dysfunctional families. My only strategy to develop is how to turn off my “submission” response to any form of conflict! In English, I fear that any form of conflict means that I am about to be eaten alive!

[@jerrywise]

It is completely normal to feel this way! You are not alone.

[@georgialopez7824]

Bodies hold on to guilt more than people donor would, neurological work as treatment to heal this, versus blaming or accusing the victim of holding on to guilt shame etc... all is healable and bodies let go with approrpiate treatment :)

[@simplyixia3683]

Interesting. I definitely set out to learn about what was wrong with me and figured out I had cptsd. I thought I had it from a recent life event, and only later pieced together that it was cumulative from my whole life. See, I thought I had a good upbringing, because I didn’t suffer like the worst of the worst had. And even now, eight years into that healing journey am I finally beginning to suspect my mom was a covert narcissist! I think I was incredibly lucky to tackle the trauma first before figuring out why I had it.

[@bridgettetraveler658]

Thank u Sir for this video. As for me & my family I think it's best to not waste time talking with them. All they're gonna do is gaslight & try to turn the table. My boundaries are just to stay away from them. Life is too short to waste time on gaslighting ungrateful ppl!!!

[@elizabethgolden7971]

Holding on to the guilt a downside (to me) I would lose respect for individual and In my mind, even though they’re nasty individuals, they still are worthy of respect if we’re talking about parents, they only did what they only know. I believe they were raised that way, and they raise their children. That way I believe could be wrong and I also think that I hold onto my guilt because it’s easy. I’m familiar with it, I don’t have to think about it. I don’t have to work on it. I don’t have to…. I can just stay emotionally sick with this and know it’s comfortable because I’m so used to it and I don’t want change sometimes with change like that I have to become more of an adult. I have to be responsible and not put blame and that might be too hard for people to treat me as a victim kind of paradox but it’s just another take on it. Thanks.Jerry You are absolutely awesome. I can listen to you all day. You make so much sense. Have a good one. Stay healthy.

[@Ann-eb8dp]

I think it is being true to yourself and feeling that firmly in your heart It is s waste of time discussing anything with those people

[@Ann-eb8dp]

It is a great feeling when you are free when the person you answer to is you I wouldn't tell them how l feel If they have hurt you they will Probably be pleased

[@The_Ghost_of_Kiev]

Narcissism should be considered a DISABILITY, not a disorder. It is more dangerous and limiting than physical disabilities bc it more difficult to spot esp by small children, teenagers,hell, even grown up sons or daughters of narcissistic parents!The key to stop being hurt by narc parents is simple:UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY ARE!As early as possible.Just like you immediately stop feeling frustrated, when you keep on yelling at someone "hey,i am talking to you!" without getting an answer,and then sb comes and tells you:"hey,he is deaf".Once you realise you have a narcissist as a parent, you ll know and accept that he just CAN'T give you support. And you ll stop feeling frustrated and simply move on with your life. "Now i know what he/she is ",will sound in your head, when you see your narcissistic mother or dad.

[@juliej1520]

True. Its like expecting a person in a wheelchair to run 5k. They cant because they are disabled. Similary the brain trauma and damage Narcissists experienced when a baby/child is permanent and no wishful thinking can make them behave normally. I agree, its a disability. 💯🙏

[@The_Ghost_of_Kiev]

@@juliej1520 ...and when you realise with whom you are dealing, you stop getting angry at them or,worse ,your self!Its very easy to come over a narc parent once you exposed him.

[@kissit012]

It’s a disorder. It can be disabling to those who are victims of it. A disability primarily affects you, a disorder affects others. It can be helped, it can be prevented, it is a result of nurturing. A disability is not learned behavior, disorders can be, & often are, learned.

[@The_Ghost_of_Kiev]

@@kissit012 good luck with convincing a narcissist he needs to change!For them any criticism is as popular, as sunbathing is for a vampire.

[@BloomingBriars]

Especially if you can't go no contact. I detach my real self from the situation to get through then go home to my personal sanctuary.♥️

[@aylagwenarther2738]

I love the part about looking at the downside of making healthy changes. It seems like yet another way to recognize, then, not only clear the debris that was programed into me, but to also undo & rewrite beliefs I created in order to survive. Thus, making more room for me to get more in touch with and develop my authentic self.

[@naturelover1284]

Everything that's missing in them is in you that's why you recognize it and they don't let this connect you to all of humanity there's wonderful books and reading out there

[@adrianamaclennan7832]

You seem to have the BEST understanding of how seriously effed up my family was and is

[@miriam100ful]

this is something not covered by other youtubers, so thank you for your input on this Jerry. Not enough is said on this- how to get the narc family out of US. Emotional detachment / indifference is the right way.

[@anikalee9012]

Anxiety is my major problem. I know they're many layer to discover.

[@_M-L-E_]

I’m glad to be in a position to be able to understand this message.

[@_M-L-E_]

Absolutely perfect timing. Thank you algorithms.

[@Ann-eb8dp]

Why should we geel guilty about other peoples bad behaviour

[@denizen9268]

I wanted to ask, has anyone's parent ever "taken" the other parent as their own? My mother would call my father Dad, and saw him as a father and will go with him everywhere never leaving him alone to go anywhere alone. He is also the enabler parent. As my parents got older the more this would happen and just became their norm.

[@11dragonflies]

Processing trauma has been LIFE CHANGING for me, because before that any efforts to heal would result in re-injury essentially (which was super duper painful because of CPTSD!) :0. Janina Fisher's educational approach helped remove the "shame" (her take is: "You reacted normally to abnormal circumstances ((so there's no shame in how you responded))." For me, that opened the door to healing methods like IFS, hypnosis, EMDR, dialoging, which have been PHENOMENALLY EFFECTIVE etc. NOW ONLY NOW AM I READY TO WORK ON SELF. Whew. Been a long journey.

[@celiastepney5772]

Wow. This is revelatory information!! It’s that the switches have been turned off, not that I’m deficient or unable to do these things. I can switch them back on!! Oh my days!! 🤯💡

[@ShinySilverBunny]

This video came right on time. Feeling detached and unaffected by the actions of others is a very stoic characteristic I've been gradually adopting and adapting to. I've also noticed that a big part of my brain healing has been eating animal fats and red meat from a nutritional standpoint and getting off the sugar and carb addiction how that affects me emotionally with my CPTSD and trauma responses. Your a very gifted therapist Jerry your videos have helped me so much, thank you so much

[@LR-yu3mx]

Jerry's is one of the very best in the field of being a scapegoat and children of Toxic parents. It blows my mind to see that over 6000 people listen to his videos. Just a tick to appreciate his excellent subject matter. What does it cost? I personally thank you, Jerry. Your videos, well prepared, based on many years experience, are very valuable to all hurt children of sick parents.

[@RoyalMetal9]

The incredibly important thing missing from so many of these types of videos, is the definition of guilt. The words you use are incredibly important. Guilt is what you SHOULD have when you do something illegal or immoral. The feeling scapegoats have is wrongly described as guilt. Guilt has zero to do with these situations. Replace the use of “guilt” with the more appropriate term of simply feeling bad or disappointed about a situation. Instead of feeling bad about YOURSELF, which the term guilty does, say you feel badly or disappointed. That simple switch makes a huge difference in how you look at and handle yourself and the situation. It’s a huge weight off your shoulders. And it helps prevent you from being so self judging and critical.

[@cathleenaudrey7723]

Another winner! Your message really does bear repeating over and over. I understand a bit better and a bit differently each time, like looking at different facets of a diamond. One that I will use is turning "I don't know" into "I'm not ready." Thanks Jerry.

[@jerrywise]

Loved reading this. Thanks for your comment

[@BiddyBiddyBiddy]

Very powerful message in this one, like you made it for my ears specifically. I'm checking out your free course. I've ever been the roll playing people pleaser, ever making sure the people around me are ok, and at a near complete loss when it comes to steering my own ship. Maybe I simply haven't been ready to choose a definitive destination, as no matter how well I do my mother will still be ashamed, lol. Three years without contact and yet she's still right there in my noggin, nagging me to no end. I want to be ready. Thanks Jerry. Keep up the great work. It means more to me than you'll ever know.

[@N8_R]

What would you tell an adult who cannot escape his narcissistic parents' grip because they have been sabotaging his social and career life so completely as to keep him dependent on them unto death?

[@blackwaterredemption7987]

Would love an answer to this one or if you indeed yourself discovered one.

[@safeeffective385]

Until quite recently, one of the most common (and destructive/disfunctional) "parenting styles" used in the US was the Authoritarian parenting style. Typically looks like: - rigid/controlling - parent in control - little affection, warmth - Constant Criticism - Lack of Warmth & Nurturing -Demanding, But Not Responsive -Little Warmth or Nurturing -Little Explanation for Punishments -Few Choices for Children -Impatient With "Misbehavior" -mistrusting -Unwilling to Negotiate -Shaming These ^ traits essentially align with those of NPD, which could explain the drastic overuse of the term "narcissist parents" that we see so prevalently today.

[@j.ahlberg2058]

My situation was pretty bad with my family really bad. I have a hard time around the holidays. Birthdays. I get a text. For these occasions. If I could just break that I think I would be okay..

[@SB_McCollum]

@14:00 identifying the trauma is where I have been the last little (long?) while. We were such a "good family," but that was more a hypnotic mantra than a reality. It's really kind of bizarre trying to see and identify with words gross neglect and overt abuse if it was never given words, spoken out loud, all the years we were all still living. It has to be seen, bad separated from good, described, named, spoken out loud, and talked over (even it's only with Jesus) to give it up and put it away from yourself.

[@joshua255860]

Jerry, this is some of the most helpful work you have presented. This video is helping me to give more insight to uncover my family dysfunction and myself moving forward on a deeper level. I would have to say this is not easy, but I am understanding what you are talking about now on a more concise and deeper level. I want to thank you from my heart for the work you are doing to help others. Have a wonderful holiday! Eileen

[@jerrywise]

Glad it was helpful!

[@wesleyduckett1982]

12:29 Interesting you say here to detach and be non reactive to take responsibility for my inner boundaries by the things that they might say…I have tried this many times with my narc parent. It is like watching a child upon observation, in slow motion, sort of like an “out-of-body” experience… The more calm and non reactive I was to his words, behavior, demeanor, the angrier it made him. Being calm, submitting even when face to face with that is scary

[@nillarohr9872]

I read a book called Relational being beyond society and community by professor Kenneth Gergen which helped me.😊

[@SingularForce]

You have helped me restructure so much of my thinking and approach to ALL my relationships. You go deep...intricate. I'm really feeling good right now.😊

[@juliej1520]

Guilt. I think the world Guilt helps describe the feeling but isnt the right word. I think anyone with empathy will feel detachment pain. It really controls us esp when we're enmeshed. Its the price to pay for being in a relationship. I have it with my mother but also had it in relationships. At 18 mins in your description of guilt and pain is astonishingly good. Thank you it helps a lot 🙏💯

[@debbiejahnke8724]

I’m noticing that my relationships are changing in a good way. I’m not attracting as much emotional drain on myself. I think my family background makes me a magnet for emotionally dependent people and I get exhausted in those interactions and relationships. By nature I am a giving person and I enjoyed to a degree being a caregiver for my parents. But they also took everything I had for supply and left me holding the bag with responsibility and feeling of no power. So I learned that it was normal to provide supply even at great expense to myself… the kicker is I hated seeing them unhappy and I was happy/unhappy at the same time. They were happier because of it. Now people like that set off red flags for me and I can’t get far enough away. And I’m gradually figuring out who to trust and to what level. Never give away your generosity to someone who doesn’t appreciate it or worse has contempt for you.

[@roseleejones8342]

I broke no contact over the holidays with my narcissist mom out of guilt. Now I feel like I did the wrong thing. What should I do? Could you do a video possibly on breaking no contact and what to do if you break no contact and want to go back no contact again? Made a mistake and now I have to reinitiate no contact again.

[@Jenny_Rose_]

Same here.. family friend recently died and said texted me he died. Blunt. “Tim died” so of course I had to call and was freaking out upset. She took that call to confront me and be all pushy about my relationship with her.. in my emotions I answered that I did want her in my life… now she texts me about books or weather and I just HATE seeing her name. I’m so on edge. Waiting for the next rude or gaslighting comment… how did you deal with it? Are you still talking to yours? Idk how to get out again either. She’s playing all nice rn and I hate that I feel like I can’t break away without everyone thinking I’m nuts

[@MJ-qb5ph]

Maybe treat it like recovery from an addiction. Sex addicts often report a relapse that takes them to a darker place than rock bottom - maybe it is something similar

[@waterfrodo4304]

Yeah, those “You make me feel triggered” statements are basically “You have this power over my vulnerability; Please please please do not use it.” Might sometimes be helpful in close trusting relationships, but otherwise it’s like, why the heck are you asking people for these personal favors?

[@amycake6981]

Wow i really needed your wisdom today. Ptsd is very real, sure explains a lot. I have agoraphobia, plus chatting to neighbours sounds normal, tho now i realise why i find it so hard. I dont think becoming a hermit equals healing.

[@bassocantante51]

This video requires several listening to the acute details… awesome!

[@Dion-cp6kx]

Very relevant subject. Not spoken off. Thank you.

[@angelsone111]

Yes! That’s the key. Well expressed!!!

[@carolpreved6055]

I told my friend that she was hurting me but she continued on smiling n taunting me via video whatsapp. What i found cruel was she also had suffered same as me as a child. She apologised the next day.

[@VaunCeboi]

Thats an amazing truth you don't hear or read much of!.. I've had to transition that gap of 'when' instead of 'how' unbenounced to myself in an extreme case of an emploding mindset, thankfully anchored in on a glimmer of choice. Got to flick the switches on tho..start planning your map so you can map out your plan. Stay sharp, stay wise... very wise, with Jerry Wise! - couldnt help it, on account of being engrossed while head-bopping to the straw-pieces you've beautifully picked out. True direction is a def. must for recovery. Absolutely Brilliant & Mindfull work. Looking forward. Thank you Jerry!

[@buddyneher9359]

I got the email for this video and I loved your sign-off "stay calm and differentiated." Sounds like a very good motto for me in 2024 👍🌠🔥 Thank you for all the wisdom you share freely on KZbin. Wishing you every blessing in the new year! 💕

[@DENISEASTUNO-ow1qz]

❤Thank you for helping me ❤ I want to look into your group.. I’m healing and understanding the whole dysfunctional family! 😞

[@Angelicaaal]

My mom recently said in a phone call: ”What do you want”? And then when I responded ”I just wanted to call to just to talk”. Then my mom started to ”ooooh yeah, I am fine and oh what I am working hard…”. Me and my boyfriend look at each other and just couldn’t take it in what she just said. I still working on detaching from her BUT still feel I am a little stuck when words like that is been said. I am trying to detach my feelings by doing stuff I like and not fall in to the dark hole again because I don’t want that life. I still trying to say to myself ” that is not my moral to do to a child”. I try to objectify the perspective more.

[@tinalawrence5529]

Cannot say thankyou enough.

[@sharonbice7490]

I tried that with my sister, and my 2 ex narcs, it didnt work, they still came after me full throttle. It didnt get to me as believing the problem was me, i knew all al9ng it was them. Put im a super empath, and puck up on the evil energy, and it sucks me dry. 😢

[@mattburrows2615]

Thanks

[@georgialopez7824]

A Traumatized body says "i cant not" the cognitive person who expressed the statement and people are ready bodies are not and it can feel confusing why ur body wont do what u want it to do.. help people find devices like switches ans body defenses.

[@kareemmohammed5270]

the way you explained everything in this very difficult and painful video was amazing Jerry. resonates and so true. much appreciated as always for your insights Jerry.

[@Dhibdic]

I wish I understood number 2 and 3 better.