When YOU get BLAMED for your narcissistic partner's behavior

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[@youngblood8540]

I hate the saying "Try to see the good in people". If you have to "TRY" to see the good in people, it's because they're predominantly more bad than good.

[@lmn1516]

Good point!

[@munkeykung8971]

Well said

[@yamataichul]

The only good thing was seeing their worst enough to value real tangible values, move forward and change

[@elpidab]

Nailed it!

[@lindac6919]

I like to ask "what would Jesus do?" And if the answer is "Not what this guy is doing to me!" then it's time to discard them.

[@NarcSurvivor]

Narcissists will often triangulate you with other people, and leave you in situations where you are being blamed for their wrongdoings. They will get you caught up in all sorts of stuff. They’re always involved in some type of drama.

[@An-mei]

Easier to blame the nurturing one, always trying to help them and who has to settle for any communication.

[@ashlame7230]

Yea my classmates sll believe her bcs my ex is very lively and active and a nice person in class so whatever i say about her no-one believes the silent torture I received

[@elcee7800]

Bottom line: people don’t really care. If after 39 yrs of marriage not one person knows my side of the story, that says it all.

[@elizabethbettencourt1116]

Victim shaming is quite painful to endure, especially when they look like the perfect spouse and man of God.

[@Dethian666]

There's a lot of perpetrators that commit sick crimes and blame the victims they've abused what it does to humanity is unimaginably painful and devastating

[@C.Buleys]

Can you talk more about your experience @elizabethbettencourt1116

[@elamarzan5216]

The worst is that I have noone to talk about it.

[@beverlypawsat6529]

You have us, hugs.

[@sViviftie]

same same. It gets really cold and dim with alone in your head with all that trauma.

[@jld4870]

Sorry u feel so alone, as u see u are not. Hope u find the energy to seek out a support group near u. 🩷

[@micheledagenais770]

All support groups in Maine have gone virtual. Just what we need: more isolation. But the facilitators love the "convenience".​@jld4870

[@MrApw2011]

@@jld4870 Yes s/he is. Telling people here that there is no one to talk to, people say talk to us, the anonymous chat bots on the internet, is just saying there is no one to talk to. Internet chatting and video conferences are not people. They are just virtual no ones. You can't convert real human life to the internet. The internet is harming us in this way.

[@tlotus3032]

Narcissists rule the world. In America we even vote them in. Clearly we honor narcissists at home, at church, in government and definitely at work.

[@annjohnson8437]

That is so true and so disheartening! 💔

[@fervcorsica3358]

And in art 😢

[@NO-ib1ip]

Yes. It’s disturbing.

[@staceystrukel1917]

And schools

[@chelseapalmer4501]

😢

[@carolynjaynes9094]

Blaming and shaming is a way for the perpetrator to deflect responsibility from their own cruelty. They do not want to take responsibility or be accountable for their unacceptable behavior, so they put it all on the one they already injured. They are good at adding insults to injury upon injury upon injury. They don't change. Get out of the way. You are not a punching bag / doormat for them to wipe their ugly shoes on. Walk out the door as soon as you can for your sanity. You deserve peace and emotional safety. It's not your fault they are raging like a two-year-old. No excuses! No second chances. No benefit of the doubt. Do not doubt yourself. Doubt them. They are behaving without any regard for you, so they do not deserve your loyalty. Being alone is far preferable to being with any of these awful narcissists.

[@lisaeveleigh1334]

Well said👏this was my life for the last 12 yrs, I’m finally free, but when I’m doing well he txts me and reminds me that he still loves me and didn’t want to leave and the relationship only broke down because of me and my children, like WTF!!

[@francalatona591]

@lisaeveleigh1334 Next time he texted you, tell him to lose your number..😏😄

[@ricalina4371]

Of course, the partner is blamed. The narc him or herself blames the partner for everything to start with. The environment only replicates without second thoughts.

[@Dethian666]

Enabling abuse and selfishly blaming others should be a crime it's a crime on humanity it's emotional abuse and psychological abuse

[@HaggisIsGross]

My husband is still, forty years after his divorce, stunned at the realization that he wasn’t “the bad guy”. His crime was supposedly neglecting her, but he was actually working three jobs to pay for the house, the car, the child, and all the bills while she did absolutely nothing. He also did all the housework, paid for preschool because she couldn’t be bothered to socialize their child, all the yard work but it was her words about what a horrible man he was that have lived in his head since. Learning about narcissism has been the key to freeing himself. He is now happy in his senior years to be shed of a burden that was never his. Thank you, Dr Ramani!

[@thompsonlauren1004]

Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...

[@erinward2983]

It's so difficult to maintain sanity in these relationships. When we can't just leave, we have to change the way we act/interact. We can't be ourselves. That's the worst part. Losing your sense of authenticity because they attack and blame you for everything.

[@Blueskies7775]

My ex mother-in-law blamed me for my ex-husbands drinking, for his inability to keep a job, for his lack of motivation in life, and the final nail in the coffin, she blamed me for his s**cide. She did not want to see what her son was in reality. She herself is a narcissist, and her son became even more so of a narcissist. No one believed me when I explained his behaviours, because he was “nice” in the outer world. I did nothing but walk on eggshells, and stroked his ego to avoid tension in the relationship. It was exhausting.

[@James-Johnson313]

1:43 Women were told how to be the perfect "wife appliance" for their husbands

[@annjohnson8437]

My narcissistic husband expects just that in 2024. Saving to get out.

[@rosettesionne9139]

In the culture I live in, when a husband is violent towards the wife or children it is always the wife that is blamed, I always heard "the wife surely provocked him or disrespected him." And most of the time, the wife or children were asked to apologise to the man for "making him angry" but GOD forbid it is the wife or child who reacts badly they will easily been potrayed as bad and rude people. This is one of the reasons I don't want to get married.

[@jld4870]

Pray u can remove yourself from that ‘culture’.

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

The amount of shame and blame I have heard from people close to me about the narcissistic persons bad behaviour is nauseating. It sadly makes me want to isolate from everyone. I’d rather be alone. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@elcee7800]

If after 39 yrs of marriage and not one person knows my side of the story, that says a lot. And I am fine with that because it saved me from what you said. 👍🏼

[@robinh3349]

3:59 4:08

[@Tabbithasdreamworld]

My soon to be ex-husband try to strangle me and it wasn’t the first time it was like the third time. I’m finally got up the courage to call the cops and everyone in his family is blaming me for calling the cops and getting their son their nephew, whatever in trouble, I am literally the bad guy for calling the cops because he put his hands on me and it blows my mind

[@user-uv2sp4dp8f]

I’m so sorry this happened to you

[@glenyshill72]

Me too, this is a truly appalling situation to be in. Wishing you better things for the future 🙏

[@Empress.420]

Same. I finally put my foot down. Got a restraining order last year & it was extended a few days ago. His father and everyone from his side, blames me. I was mentally abused by his father & family, too! They don't like that they have no control over me now. They are all on a sick revenge. I don't want to have nothing to do with them. They refuse to leave me alone. I feel like my only escape is to move out of state now!!.😢

[@micheledagenais770]

I still have the police on speed dial and he's been out for nine months. I get the same finger pointing that I caused it. Bull! He did it to himself!

[@CTHou13]

It took me 20 years to figure out he was a narcissist. It takes a long time for it to unfold and even longer for you to figure out what’s going on. In front of our family he’s perfect. Five years after I found out he was a narcissist I got the strength to leave. Everybody blamed me for the failure of the marriage

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

I also got blamed for being harassed in a work situation, was told I ‘couldn’t take a joke’ when there was nothing funny about it. Thankfully I got out of there. I’ve lost so many people because of things like this, it’s so messed up. But as painful as it is, I’d rather be alone. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@sushmayen]

From outside my narc spouse looks very normal and also charming. It's very difficult for me to be the odd one who doesn't know how to love.

[@masquarra]

Yes, then when you attempt to explain you get the exasperated eye roll or heavy breathe. Signaling the listener is not understanding, and is now more a foot soldier for the narcissist than ever before

[@olyabrenner3590]

I’m literally told it’s my fault that they behave like this I made them that way 😮

[@theladyamalthea]

For me, it looked like my family telling me I needed to “look at my responsibility for the failure of the relationship” and siding with my ex, even to the extent of helping him alienate my kids from me.

[@katem5520]

This is why I always try and watch out for who their friends are in advance. The proverb: "Tell me who your friends are, and I'll tell you who you are." never failed me. The flying monkeys are the most difficult aspect imo, once you decide to leave

[@Zapdos97]

I feel so stupid because my friend has been nothing but honest about her being crazy and an asshole. I thought she was being dramatic, until her anger was directed at me for not doing something she wanted me to do. It hurts.

[@yukio_saito]

Thank you for sharing. I like that proverb. I am totally different from who I was because I got rid of toxic friends. ✂✂✂

[@Nibiru3600X]

I had forgotten that insightful old proverb! Thank you 🙏🙏

[@ckvarnmass]

I always got blamed for husband not doing what he was supposed to be doing, which was a commitment he had given to whomever. He was so irresponsible!

[@PenninkJacob]

I think the "Mystery" of why people still would rather support and defend the narc than the victim is because of the strategy of intimidation (and the fear it produces)... 👍❤❤❤

[@Grrrrrrr123]

I was blamed especially by his family and I was with this idiot for thirty years!! Out now and happier than ever ❤

[@aprildawnsunshine4326]

Literally just got off the phone with my grandfather who tried to convince me to settle my divorce so there's more money in the fund his wife left us all. Probably because he wants to spend it on a cruise or something. Tried to blame me for my ex refusing to settle unless I give him everything he wants, including full custody but free babysitting, half my income, and give him back "all the money wasted" on me and my health conditions. I'm so angry at past me for getting me into this mess. The red flags were all there, but I just kept painting them green

[@steggopotamus]

It's a good reminder that part of the reason why you stayed as long as you did with that partner is because, the way your family treats you during the divorce, is how they treated and normalized abuse before this point.

[@turnbacktime65]

Hi April. Stop talking to grandpa. None of his biz. It’s not his relationship. Stay strong! You can do it. You are not to blame.

[@kathyparker5009]

Wait. Are you saying you are using family funds for the divorce or for living? If it affects other people's finances and future, they do have a say in how it is spent. Not quite following that part.

[@nikkiturnup1688]

Close friends and family members can be narcissistic to

[@lindac6919]

And they Enable the real Narkys.

[@avibhagan]

​@@lindac6919 They enable each other.

[@Dingizo]

The family does the most damage simply because the enablers are caught in a trauma bond or never take the time to see the full picture. Its insane whats going on out there.;)

[@lindac6919]

I'm sorry to say that I was Mommy's Little Enabler for far too long. Grooming, grooming, grooming. I'm so sorry for any damage I did. @@Dingizo

[@Dingizo]

Try not to feel sorry for too long. It will turn into melancholy ;) @@lindac6919

[@FiatVoluntasTua888]

This is everyday norm in narc family. Why do I keep watching these? I've already made the choice (thanks to Dr Ramani & another woman, Evy Poumpouras), to leave my narc family behind. I've had enough! Tired of the abuse. Thank you Dr. R. for waking me up out of the stupor I was in.❤️💗💜

[@Sommer-ho7pk]

Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship, I learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago I and my wife divorced because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it

[@DailamiPuang]

there is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things

[@Sommer-ho7pk]

its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE.

[@DailamiPuang]

this is helpful, I will look her up. I hope this works for me too, I really miss her.

[@julieb3432]

Love the purple satin top!!

[@wandamint]

TRAUMA CLUTTER and PERSONAL HYGIENE after a narcissistic relationship would really appreciate your thoughts Dr Ramani ☺️🙏

[@Taylor086]

I second this suggestion!!!

[@ambergreen6359]

Yes, please. In my case, during....

[@glenyshill72]

Yep, absolutely, this is a VERY serious and pressing subject that needs to be addressed. Exhausted and/or traumatised people do not have the energy to keep on top of daily routines and demands and have to radically prioritise. They are then laid open to possible negative judgement from ill-informed visiting Social Care professionals, etc :( especially if there are children involved.

[@lisaeveleigh1334]

Omg this is so true, my ex of 12 yrs was exactly this he would go 2 weeks without showering, then wondered why I didn’t want to be intimate with him🤮then I’d have to be like his mother and say have a shower over & over, to which he just ignored me, he also had clutter everywhere he went there was never a clean or clear space any where around him, so bloody exhausting

[@glenyshill72]

@I . . . . . I was referring to the effects of exhaustion from the perspective of a victim of narcissistic abuse. Your comment is viewing it from a different perspective i.e. yours, though still valid. I wonder what his backstory might have been that might have contributed to these behaviours ? Some kind/s of trauma maybe ?

[@masquarra]

These are the inexperienced couples’ counselors.

[@Freedom-25-now]

This topic really resonates with me. Narcissistic father and narcissistic husband of 25 years got in a pissing contest about who had more power over me and of course I'm to blame for that like everything else. Big or small. Believable or utterly ridiculous. I am always "punished" for their behavior. Father discarded me and my children out of hate for my husband but blames me for not being loyal to him and husband hates my father and blames me for telling any amount of truth about how he treats his nearest and dearest. No accountability for either of them but my whole life has been a series of jumping through hoops to the point of near death exhaustion and never getting it "right" for either of them. I've never known any sort of life where I wasn't responsible for everything bad or unpleasant that happens. Even if it happens to only me. I'm still to blame. It's hard to carry that cross but I'm resigned that this is my life because I'm convenient. If I stop being convenient all forms of love and nurturing are denied no matter what. How do we stop believing that everything is our fault,? I know it's frustrating to others who aren't narcissistic that we always apologize, carry a huge burden of guilt and regret, and never have confidence in ourselves that we are capable. Thank you for bringing this topic to light-I hope I can find an answer on how to cope since leaving at this point is not an option for me.

[@Zapdos97]

My close friend and I had our first argument over me setting a boundary. It was the first time I stood up for myself. She got angry and threatened to walk away. She had me apologizing when I hadn't even done anything wrong. I'm a bit heartbroken.

[@WildStar2002]

If your close friend will not respect your boundaries, she is no friend at all. The only person who gets to decide what your boundaries should be is YOU. A true friend will respect that, even if they do not understand or they do not agree. As much as it hurts, it might actually be better if she *does* walk away - if she cannot or will not respect your boundaries. I have had the same heartbreaking issue with some of my friends as I have tried to learn to enforce my boundaries. Some have learned to respect my boundaries = these are my *true* friends and our friendships have strengthened as a result. Some have not = these are former friends with whom I sadly no longer have contact. I hope that you can find a way forward that works for you and that you can find a measure of peace in your life - and friends who will support you on your journey. 😊

[@Zapdos97]

​@WildStar2002 Thank you. She's known to have explosive arguments with another close friend of hers as well for added context. She deals with BPD so I never thought much of it until her outbursts were directed at me. What broke me was I felt like I didn't mean much to her due to her willingness to walk away after one argument. She left the choice up to me and I decided some time apart is reasonable but I'm conflicted about going back. This is day 4 of no contact and I've been doing okay all things considered, but I'm still broken hearted.

[@WildStar2002]

@@Zapdos97 It's completely normal to feel broken-hearted in a situation like yours. You are grieving the loss of a friendship. I grieved and am still grieving the loss of some of my friendships too. I finally realized (in my head if not in my heart) that *my* feelings, that *my* wants, and *my* needs are every bit as important as everyone else's. The only person I can completely trust with creating my own happiness is me. Whether or not you decide to give her another chance is something that only you can decide. I will say as an outsider looking in - knowing neither one of you - so, she left the choice 'up to you' did she? with the heavy implication that you are not allowed to set boundaries that *she* dislikes if you wish to remain friends? It sounds very much like she is trying to evade responsibility for her own actions and is setting you up for failure no matter *what* you choose. If you decide to never speak to her again, she can say to herself that it was *your* choice not hers. If you decide to give her another chance at friendship, she can tell you, "*You* decided to call *me*, and you know what that requires." That seems very manipulative to me. She does not get to decide what is best for you - only YOU have that right. Whatever you decide is the right thing to do - I wish you well. If you choose not to go back, you will grieve for that loss as you would any other - but over time the grief lessens and you find new things and new people that you care about. 😊 You are stronger than you think. You can do hard things. Others have, I have, and so can you!

[@Zapdos97]

@@WildStar2002 The boundary I set was refusing to hangout with her and her other close friend. He's rude and emotionally unpredictable. He makes me uncomfortable. The last time I hung out with him he disrespected me regarding my quietness. I've always disliked him but I shrugged it off to appease her until the last time he was rude to me. She asked me multiple times recently that it'd be nice if we could all get along. After the third time she asked I became assertive in my choice to not hangout with him around which made her very upset. She then blamed me for not being the one willing to play nice and get along even though I had been doing exactly that until he wanted to be an asshole to me. That made me even angrier because I've always been a nice person to everyone. She herself has told me that everyone she knows loves me. She almost convinced me that I was the bad guy. I should've listened to her when she told me she was an asshole that only treated me differently than she does most of her friends because I'm a kind, sensitive, and shy person. Now I feel like she knows that I know that she treated me poorly but will refuse to acknowledge it. Sorry to put it in full detail and for the language. It's just been a roller coaster of emotions. Thank you for giving me words of encouragement. I really appreciate it! 😊

[@yukio_saito]

@@WildStar2002 So true. I don't allow them to step over my boundaries anymore even if it's subtle. As a result, I realized many of them were fake friends.

[@OlBlueshound]

I was with my ex covert narcissist for 7 years, but things went okay for first year, then it all made no sense to me and by 6 years I was a wreck but I didn't know what a narcissist was until after I left her. Your video tutorial was like a key in a lock to me and as I learnt about NPD it was addictive to keep learning to understand why I was so broken. But I'm healing now and focused on me and my life, no interest in having a partner ATM. Maybe in time. Your reference to the women's magazines is undeniably correct but I just thought of them, and many 60s TV shows too, as shovenistic and sexist. Never knew about NPD but since learning about it I now see narcissists EVERYWHERE and the grandiose are super easy to spot but the covert are much harder to identify. It seems like there is an epidemic of narcissism now days and I think social media is mostly to blame, and our TV shows too, just like the magazines of the 60s. Thank you for your videos you look lovely in purple :-)

[@arroscinpollo]

Omg! Yes everywhere! 2.5 men was an eye-opener!

[@kaitlincox9714]

When we both drank at a wedding I was yelled at because I know better. Why would I let him drink?? These people knew him for years and thought I would turn his behavior around. It's sickening to feel responsible for another adult.

[@elcee7800]

“When my husband says ‘let me check with my wife’ … he’s telling you all he’s putting the blame on me.” -Unknown

[@lindac6919]

They were teaching us to submit and conform. Donna Reed, June Cleever, Wilma Flintstone, Samantha Stevens.

[@claretroy1208]

When my ex narc husband came home one day and asked why I didn't greet him at the door, I laughed at him and said, "Because this wasn't Donna Reed!"

[@notagain779]

@@claretroy1208 Ha-ha! And maybe because you ran out of saran wrap?

[@privateprivate8366]

Kind of had this happen to me, just 5 minutes ago. I asked whether I could obtain a restraining order, despite the fact that I’m still in probate and there are still a few items that need to be exchanged, for personal property exchange. I need the order, to protect my property, from my sister, who lives doors away. The idiot who answered said he wouldn’t grant me a restraining order, because I wanted to live next door to my sister. That’s how f’d up people’s minds are out there. I inherit a home and I should have to live somewhere else, in order to stop my malignant narcissistic sister from breaking in? This is why I’ve always said that law and morality are completely separate. It has been definitely so that, the judge has provided months of setting up exchange dates, continuing probate, which has provided my narcissistic sister, with the idea that she can prevent me from moving in, just dragging it out. I could move in anyway. I simply would like a restraining order, to keep her off the property and from contacting me, although I’m aware it’s just a piece of paper and that the court also doesn’t care whether you disrespect them or waste their time, because she’s done that to them. This is yet another way that victims of narcissistic abuse end up with problems. Because the legal system is there to protect abusers. They’re there to ensure abuse continues. Then, it’s the victim’s fault, for not staying out of an abuser’s way - on their own property.

[@privateprivate8366]

@@maggamoosie801 then my mother relinquished motherhood, when she became abusive. She relinquished any right to care, I might’ve offered her. If you don’t know how to behave, you deserve what you get. My sister would also have relinquished property, because she was mostly absent, for over 30 years and didn’t arrive until she thought she was getting something. My mother should’ve been wise enough to understand that abuse can beget abandonment and that abandonment would be her best option, rather than reactive abuse. Parents think they have the right to abuse. Sometimes, they die corrected. The good thing is that she likely had to tolerate abuse from my sister, which she let me know was intended for me. Choices.

[@WildStar2002]

I was married to a narcissist for 13-years. Over that time, I grew more and more isolated as friends or family did *something* that my now-ex found "offensive" in some way. I was always the one that had to call at the last minute to declare that we wouldn't be attending the wedding breakfast, or their child's birthday party, or, or, or, ... I lost track of all the former friends and family members that we were now supposed to hold eternal enmity for - or even the supposed reasons why. Even after we finally divorced, I was criticized when I started to reconnect with the people I had lost track of - even punished for it. Thank you for bringing some clarity to this dynamic and helping the many of us who have suffered narcissistic abuse to understand and to heal.

[@Judyjlefebvre]

So thankful i got out and away from him. I'm not a 50s wife and never bend to those demands ever again.

[@lesabrydson2526]

It was an exhausting life being married to a demonic narcissist. Lord heal me completely. Psalms 23-73🙏👋👑

[@the.toxic.phoenix]

Yesss! My ex FiL (also abusive) said it was my fault my nex was being horrible because I asked him to make two flat pack bookcases 😳 after I asked him to leave, my 16yo built 5 more flat pack bookcases including a glass cabinet - all without being even remotely abusive to anyone 🙄🤣

[@MichaelBroder]

During our divorce, when my ex was trying to sell our house out from under me, a mutual friend who I had begun spending more time with used to defend him by saying “He just wants closure.”

[@turnbacktime65]

One thing I did at the beginning was record his bad behavior. I knew nobody would believe me because he owned his own company and was successful. It took me 15 of the 18 years we have been together to fully understand. The first 15 was me thinking he’s an alcoholic (he is) and I can help him. Because, after all, it’s an illness. I ignorantly attributed the drama, childish behavior, draining me of energy to his drinking. He stopped drinking 2.5 yrs ago. Narc behavior is still there. He’s 76 and in bad health. Now I grey rock with no problem. Or leave the house and do my own thing. I’ve been learning and growing in spite of him. I’m 66 and I am not letting him ruin my retirement. When he has a temper tantrum I just look at him with a poker face and blink. I told him I’m done with your b.s. I’m not hiding your behavior. I stand firm. Now. (I feel so stupid for letting myself get stuck for so long)

[@kuiperkoch3498]

Purple looks great on you 💜. Thank you for the video.

[@jeanettecusic9430]

Oh yes. Everything I think he has done is all in my head. 😂😂😂

[@KellyO988]

I've lost my daughter over this. Union County North Carolina. I'm terrified

[@rachelking2564]

It’s always my fault for the abuse. “Youre the problem”. “If you behaved and act right, maybe I will do my part”. So that means I have to be someone I’m not in order for them to continue being the same without change or consequences. The punishment in itself is so cruel.

[@rachelking2564]

@UCLsdXwqCYW2lQaABWhgnbvA would love a video about it or a comment. Thank you so much.

[@rachelking2564]

@UCLsdXwqCYW2lQaABWhgnbvA just got done with a 3 hour fight. I have a 4 month old and can’t leave.

[@Mama.bear.]

Ugh yes. And add onto that, that if you don’t visibly support or back up your narc while they are behaving poorly in public, there will be hell to pay at home. 😭💔

[@TR-nv3if]

Yes, if you’ve been together for many yrs, the responsibility is put on the non narc. “ why are you leaving now? After you’ve already been together for so long, what if you or he gets cancer, neither of you will have anyone to care for you, you’ll be alone ! However, if it gets to that point, the non narc is happy to be alone rather than be put through more abuse til their dying day.

[@freetobebri]

This is a feeling that I never thought I would feel... but three months later and I'm still dealing with the mental mind games, hurt, shame, and blame after a year of dating someone just like what you speak of.

[@olyabrenner3590]

💯 on the spot video thank you… it took 10 years for my eyes to be completely rudely open but they are always perfect for every one else still

[@supernaturalluck8215]

This is the craziest part of the abuse We get blamed for their behavior! Not ok!

[@reverie6158]

THIS! You get blamed by everyone for all kinds of things. Early on, after a horrific discard, I tried talking about it to someone close - that person repeatedly raged at me saying "You didn't know how to value a good husband, you will always live a sad, pathetic life because you are committed to playing the victim". Meanwhile when I couldn't get my business up as "quickly as I should have" (I was failing a lot), "friends" started openly disrespecting me about money, questioning my competence & suggesting that the Narcs may have been right about how "lazy" I was. All this while the Narcs are dragging my name through the mud in court & burdening me with even more false allegations without providing a lick of evidence. Then there is my family who won't stop questioning why I am still fat 2 years after the Narc has left. And finally, the spiritually bent friends who frequently suggest I practice "forgiveness" for my own peace. Honestly, NUMB & DUMB is a good place to be.

[@Dethian666]

People don't want anything to do with a victim of a Narcissistic partner leaves them isolated. The victim must get out with support with others and enablers dismantled.. places and things money and shelters is another bunch of issues when there's so many narcs waiting to abuse the vulnerable and displacement. It's all a convoluted confusing mess.. that's the damage being used as supply by pschycopathic abusive agendas

[@tlove6932]

You are beautiful in purple 💜 💜💜 They just left us in the car. No food, no money. No gas. No hotel. Slept in the car. 6 nights. 4,000+ miles myself. They just LEFT US THERE. 🥺💔💔

[@DzsM-rz7gu]

I took every blame I paid for their failures with my suffering and healing for their traumas embodied in me and I went away. What else could I do?They mixed the persons in more situations. Basically I'm my own abuser and I had to pay for it.They are good humen,all of them.I believe in God,they don't I understand why they don't.Nowdays I have peace but just because I left their era.I have a very different life since they created problem in my life.I have another future I will be less than I could have been...but better without them.

[@surlif]

How did I miss this 2 days ago? This is what I am having a hard time overcoming: Being BLAMED! Nothing in my early years prepared me for people who were so low down sneaky and phony and would do anything to protect their image including ruining someone's life!!

[@annmarieszvetecz9030]

Not so much blamed for his behavior, but strangers would walk up to me and tell me what a horrible wife I was to him. How I wouldn’t allow him to enjoy life, or do what he wanted when I literally would break my back to ensure he never lacked. When I would ask him about the strangers, always woman, words he say “ I have no idea why they said that” and “ Why are you listening to other people and not to me?”

[@twovirginiacats3753]

People used to really chew me a new one regarding my then husband's behavior. Finally, I just started telling them I had absolutely no control over him or his behavior. The only person I can control is myself. Most of the time it did no good to say anything, but one time I remember a guy got a shocked look on his face when I came back at him with that response. He paused and said, "You know, you are absolutely correct".

[@rashmikodibagkar7324]

Yes , the narc’s behavior n abuse towards you over the course of years is hard to explain to outsiders, who can not understand what is NPD all about . When I try to attempt to explain to others the emotional abuse i endured for 25 years their face shows expressions of “ how come you were with him for 25 years!!! Did you not know better !!” I can not even say anything as before my discard for the new supply from his office even I was not aware of what NPD was that time and I kept on adjusting and giving n giving to the mind games he kept on playing with steady devaluation and blame shifting . Expecting and explaning to outsiders I feel is so hard cos they do not want to know or put any effort to know what narcissistic personality is all about … so today I do not care to explain anymore

[@user-uv2sp4dp8f]

This just happened my narc ex blames me for his drug addiction

[@cyndim8785]

Narcissist will never take the blame for their actions. It’s has to be someone else’s fault.

[@covert_warrior]

My favorite is when people ask, "what did you do to make them treat you that way?" 😡

[@ayeshajamil6023]

My narcissist husband all time blame me for his behaviour his unatentive behaviour at home and for not so productive in his life

[@greeshmapillai4048]

Dear doctor Thank you so much for lifting my confusion. The past 3 years of my 4 year marriage was full of misery. As a malayali living in Kerala's conservative society, I had no idea that what I am going through is infact abuse. I am verbally and emotionally abused, stonewalled, belittled and gaslighted. I thought I am the problem. I was under constant stress. Bad days outnumbered the good days. I would be crying my heart out at 3 am in my bathroom. Now I know what I am dealing with. Earlier I was trying desperately to please him. Now I am more peaceful. I am calm and silent. I don't think I can leave the marriage anytime soon as I have a 3 year old daughter and I don't have the courage to lead an independent life as of now. However by practicing the DEEP technique and by listening to your vedios, I am realising that his power over me is greatly reduced. The whole process is painful but I think I can endure this for some more time until I have the courage to make a bold decision. I am truly indebted to you doctor. Without these vedios, I would have died of heart ache.

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

The worst was being blamed for the abuse I endured in my first relationship by my father. Rather than defending or comforting me, he said ‘you were stupid to date him’ and got mad at me. When I have confronted him about it he says ‘don’t pay attention to what I say’. Super messed up. Dont know how I am suppose to have a relationship at all with my dad sometimes. 😢

[@saamirmahmud7145]

Just finished reading your book. I am an adult child survivor of a narcisstic parent. It is encouraging that I can heal without having to forgive. That is the goal I hope to achieve with your support and with the help of my therapist. Please keep up the amazing work anf continue to shine. If I may say so your purple 💜 top in this video reminds me of your parting message to your readers to finally put on the purple dress. Your daughters are lucky to know that they always have a soft spot to land. I wish I had had that too. Take good care and Congratulations on your huge achievement! It's isn't me and I wish others knew thst too who toe the line of the egg carrier in my case.

[@saamirmahmud7145]

Sorry I didn't understand " look up privately " please can you explain Dr Ramani?

[@EXRDaBeasta]

I was trying to play this with my girlfriend to try to help her see what she is doing and she immediately went to watching a show on her phone and ignoring it. Most of us stick with the narcissist because of circumstances we are in and we absolutely feel we can not leave yet. We want to, but we simply cant...yet. We know there is little to no hope, but we pray there is a tiny chance they will change.

[@unknownentrappment_ed3522]

Thanks Doctor Ramani Much appreciated

[@unknownentrappment_ed3522]

🤍

[@enochpage1333]

Yelling at me while blaming me, my narcissistic ex told people in my presence at our house that I was the one who junked up her home office that she herself junked up. She didn’t tell them I gave up my room to be a clean office for her and decorated it for her so she could escape her junked up office while trying to write her dissertation. She yelled at me so loudly during this projective performance that I was immobilized by shock and didn’t even try to explain my view of things because she would have escalated. So those people left thinking I had junked her room without knowing that she always had told me for ten years to put her stuff in that room that began to over flow from her failing to discard and organize her stuff. By blaming me she could portray me as violently trashing her stuff and as her being the victim of that falsely claimed behavior.

[@LucyNASARENKO]

You don’t have to be married! When you are in a relationship with them you always get blamed! For everything!

[@elinesvendsen8046]

We often hear the phrase "You can not change others, only yourself/how you react".

[@antoinettejenkins7664]

Yes it cant be that bad because they stayed....its a tough paradox because it may feel just as tough at least initially to break the tramua bond and leave vs enduring the abuse (which usually is a roller-coaster plus you love them typically even if they never did for you)

[@lorigilbert795]

When my ex was caught in a lie, or when the lie was no longer necessary because it had served its purpose, he would sneer at me and say: "someone like you might call it lying, but i was just telling you what you wanted to hear".

[@Julie-bj9jn]

Yes indeed. This is quite a noticeable behavior pattern. It's not their fault if they are a serial cheater, it's their spouses. It's not their fault that they are obese, it's their spouses. If possible, they will blame their parents. I've heard NPD's over the age of 50-60, blame their bad treatment of others, on parents, who had been deceased for 20-30 years. Nothing, is, or even can be their decision, or fault.

[@jonnymings4315]

I saw this quote and it seems to be a trend with narcissism & nobody believing the abuse because the abuser seems so nice. "If someone tells you that they are being abused by a narcissist, or a sociopath, and your first reaction is to think that they're lying to you because the alleged abuser is such a nice, great person... Think again. Superficial charm is one of the top criteria for both disorders."

[@jacklynwardlow]

I have a BIG problem. My toxic partner left at Christmas and I wouldn’t let him come home… I have been Love Bombed for 90 days, including he quit drinking (90 days sober), buys me everything under the sun, took my dare of counseling and we have been in couples counseling for 3months (my ego made me agree once he made the first appt, I assumed he’d quit soon and he has not!)… I WANT him to fk up so I can say GOODBYE and he hasn’t!! In 3 more months I HAVE to keep my word and let him move back in if he continues being the good guy… but I know, deep down, he is still toxic

[@HaggisIsGross]

Nope. No, you are a human who is allowed to change their mind, take full accountability for that, and be true to yourself. You will pay in untold ways, but believe me, you’ll pay a much higher price if you stay with a person you know is blackmailing you. They are responsible for their sobriety, not you. I highly suggest AlAnon if you’ve not already looked into it. Best wishes for a peaceful new life for you!

[@lindac6919]

You don't have to keep your word. You can change your mind.

[@RoseThePhoenix]

My dad is still angry with me about the behavior of my ex. I left this person six years ago, but within the last year I was hearing about how hurtful and disrespectful it was (brought up during an argument about something else entirely, but that he also felt "hurt and disrespected" about, I guess.) I'm still not sure what he expected me to do about it, especially years after the fact.

[@sherlockhomeless7138]

I think at the core us narcissists have extremely low self-worth. That's why we need others so that they can fill us with the things we lack. Whether it's a healthy amount of recognition, self-care, pity, etc. And on the other hand we have an extreme big ego. Every kind of criticism or disagreement or correction hits us so much, that we just can't deal with it. I think you can compare it to when a normal person receives a barrage of insults from a close friend.

[@lutherbuckhurst3887]

My narcissist abuser treats me so cruel, in 39 years i struggle to remember one good day without her snarling at me. When she treats me bad if i ask her why she always treats me so bad she says.. go on pick pick pick all you do is pick on me.

[@flashylittlesteps]

The only thing I’m blaming my non-narcissistic friend for is gaslighting me when I set a boundary with his narcissistic spouse who kept devaluing me. When talking about responsibility we should distinguish between passive victims/bystanders and active enablers.

[@Jayantidasi]

Every time I see a video or post on social media depicting a dad who is essentially being lazy and irresponsible while the mom is always busy getting everything done, I always see several people replying with "well, you taught him to treat you this way" or "why don't you just leave?" And it's usually other women who claim to be feminists that say these things.

[@alexm2760]

I e always felt like a whipping child, paying the price or consequences for my narcissistic dads choices. They (his side of family) punish me as a consequence of his decisions but treat him like royalty. I don’t fully understand why there’s such a strong double standard.

[@marcirobins5144]

On a bright, sunny day, my SiL took it upon herself to call me and blame me for her brother’s behavior. She isn’t speaking to him and they are in constant conflict, but in her opinion, it’s all my fault. I told her that I didn’t raise him, and that he was a product of his parents, siblings, and childhood environment. And that damage was done in the first six years of his life. So she’d better own that! She quickly ended the call. It’s an entire family of Narcs!

[@GenXMystic]

Thank you for doing this.

[@andreacovarrubias8871]

This happens to me with my mom. My dad would blame me for “provoking” my mother’s behavior.

[@suzannej2448]

Thank you for this validation

[@p.w.352]

I admit that I'm struggling a bit with some negative feelings toward a narcissistic family member's spouse and children after the narcissist abusively attacked me. I felt shunned by them at a family gathering when they all ignored me. I realize that they could have done that in the name of keeping the peace in their home, but they won't talk to me, so I can't have a conversation about it with them, so I am blaming them for their own actions, not the narcissist's.

[@MeowMeow-yw5xt]

After knowing him for only a few months I was asked by his mother: "Did my son yelled at you yet?"It was so odd to me ...Then she said:"He can be difficult at times but at least he never cheated any of his girlfriends".Also when I cried due to his abuse he always had to tell her that I cried to make me look weak and unstable and to validate his actions. Her response was always to be careful with me because Im sensitive.

[@IonTrone]

preach Dr Ramani! 👏👏

[@SandraMuller-vs8ck]

Thanks for this education. God bless. ❤

[@user-uc6gg1jq6i]

Just recently stepdaughter blamed my husband for the choices coparent made about daughter, it’s sad 14 years of him taking blame for coparent lack of parenting

[@Swifti1334]

I feel so often my husband gaslights me. He tells his friends what I do so its me to be blamed. It's never easy hearing how I'm at fault I admit when I'm wrong. He will apologize then it never changes

[@lindac6919]

Stick it to you in public and apologize in private. Cowards. When I started calling out my Ex on that he really got squirrelly.

[@craigbrowning9448]

I remember standing in some kind of line for administrative services at a community college I was attending with my father who could be a (Conservative WASP) bigot at times, and him going off about the types of people in the line around us, Houston sensitivity about the embarrassment I felt about being around such people while my dad was behaving in this manner. Since my dad is about 6'5" and fairly heavily built he was not likely to be physically challenged by anybody for his behavior. Even I wasn't big enough to physically challenge him.

[@BobTheSchipperke]

Yep. Dealing with some narcs at work who have a couple big flying monkeys. They act out, I get told I don't give them the same care as others. I said they get double the care. I wrote a rebuttal. Administrator doubles down, is probably nervous if HR hears about it which they will as rebuttal was sent to HR via supervisor in my dept. Another admin tells the double down admin they need to get in front of the narcissists. I now work in my car full time with a steering wheel laptop and three laptops so I never run out of battery. (Others in my shoes at this location have calendars and notes of all the rude and unprofessional behavior of the same exact narcissists. I'm absolutely not alone, I'm just keeping up on addendums.)

[@sherlockhomeless7138]

I'm a covert narcissist. If anyone has any questions about this personality disorder, feel free to ask. I'm 33 and I'm a self-aware since about six or seven years. I have yet to be diagnosed, but if the psychologists won't find it, then it's because they don't know enough about it or don't ask the right questions. If someone could see inside my head for more than 10 minutes, they would realize how sick I am. I've talked to a few people online about my disorder and they say: 'well, the fact that you tell all these bad things about yourself, tells me you're not a narcissist'. Well, I'm not feeling bad about the stuff. It's only an observation. It's only knowledge.

[@eniggma9353]

Don't sweat doc. Ich been fine.

[@butterflycomb]

Yes this totally happens to me.