How TRUST gets DEMOLISHED by a narcissistic relationship

[@sushmayen]

Hot and cold behavior of the narc causes us dysregulation and we are labeled as crazy. The abuser is also an accuser.

[@sanelisiwevernon4920]

I thank Dr Ramani l am aware of this sicknesses l have learnt to not show emotion. It is really exhausting l agree

[@markallen5764]

HEY NEVER EVER EVER THINK AND BELIEVE YOHR CRAZY BECAUSE YOU ARENT AT ALL WE ARE CRAZY TO BE WITH THEM AT THE START OF THE RELATIONSHIP UNTIL WE GET TO KNOW THERE WAYS IM ACTUALLY WITH A MARDI NARCCI AND I JUST IGNORE AND LIVE MY OWN. LIFE....IM INDEPENDANT AND DONT DONT NEED HIM HE HATES IT....TOUGH SHIT I. SAY THE RELATIONSHIP WONT LAST YOU WILL BE A BETTER PERSON AND. PEOPLE WILL SEE HIS TRUE SELF THEY. WILL END. UP LONELY. YOU WONT. MY. FRIEND BECKY 🇬🇧 XX

[@dianatenney7821]

I agree it takes a toll on the sympathetic nervous system.

[@RavnThor]

It's amazing how they tell on themselves. And then the enablers cover it up.

[@kristinmeyer489]

You mean like the KZbin cyber stalker who calls itself "chief handler" while tacking on an insult to "it's " moniker to attack the target of its stalking, smearing, and abuse?

[@SD-rm5ty]

They are so manipulative and controlling and twist everything around on you it's disgusting.

[@kimberlychristine9284]

Your describing my mother 😞 It's awful how they twist things and play mind games.

[@samuelsparling878]

Disgusting truly is the word for it. For nearly a decade I chalked the issues up to insecurities and jealousy, neither of which are great, but when subtle became blatant I still gave benefit to the doubt and assumed she was having a psychotic break, then I realized she's just been making things up, lying, the entire time. The lying so convincingly to my face, that disgusted me.

[@SunshineGrove04]

yup..and all the DARVO, gaslighting, playing the victim, getting their flying monkeys, threatening your safety, wishing absolute harm, etc and etc..

[@tammydietschweiler7852]

It truly is, they lie constantly and I think I’m with a crazy person as well. It’s incredible what I’ve dealt with for 20 years. I’d love to sue him since I was on disability and with a sick daughter when he showed up for financial reasons only and it is truly what I believe. Such a devil!

[@nikkinorton8310]

That one hits home. Theft of trust. Trust takers. That is one part of it that takes you away from yourself. It changes your personality. It changes your perspective.

[@rachelspeck1230]

I won’t trust anyone ever again

[@pinkmeadows]

Lost of trust can cause depression toward outlook on life.

[@cc1k435]

Yeah. Trust comes from love, in the knowledge that things all work out eventually. When you're coming from a place of constant fear, though, it puts you in pain all the time. Depression and/or anxiety seem inevitable. ❤️

[@dakoderii4221]

@@cc1k435 You know it's when not if the dagger comes out again. People expect you to build enough scar tissue that the blade doesn't cut anymore. They'll also get angry with you if the narc fails to cut you again. You have upset the narc by showing a failure of theirs. Damned if you, damned if you don't!

[@justice8563]

I’ve been burnt by everyone in my life that I trust no one even though I want to. It’s my brain saying STOP! Remember what happened last time? It’s so exhausting and lonely.

[@l.5832]

Basically, I do a cost/benefit analysis and realize I stand to lose more by trusting this individual and ultimately being betrayed by them because this is what I have repeatedly experienced. I have had trustworthy individuals in my life, but very few, and they have died. So again, I feel it will end badly....

[@trudybarton151]

Dito, yes No Good Deed goes Unpunished😢

[@shockingdocumentaries4255]

@@l.5832 Ditto to both you and justice8563. I’ve trusted people who are either enablers or are too scared of peer pressure to have my back. They only talk to me when no one is around. I’ve also had loved ones die. 2 good friends. One of which was bad mouthed by a friend who had alterior motives. It took me years to realize that they probably lied. Maybe you feel like people are untrustworthy because you are in a toxic environment where trustworthy relationships are considered an oddity. Narcissists can’t exist in a void. Not only do they need enablers who see things the same way they also need that same environment to teaches them to be a malignant force in peoples. The environment that foster malignant narcissist also protects the vile behavior. If this is true you’ll notice that the environment was toxic before you got there. It’s not your fault. Even the people who are friendly don’t trust each other and talk behind each other’s backs. Gossiping and getting pleasure from talking about others pain, is a common hallmark in these situations. Or maybe you just need time to heal. Moving around a lot as a kid, being discouraged from having after school activities because “I was just trying to get out the house” made it hard to meet people and stay in contact. Being lied about behind my back since I was 7 years old and being told the narcissist thought my reading on my vacation was stressing me out by my great grandmother, that I was trying to learn Spanish independently for 7 years to get a guy by my cousin as a tween, and having teachers and friends tell me about the things said about me about this family member, meant having to hide the friendships I did have. And made me anxious about everything I did and fearful the friend could he turned against me, made it hard to try. So did being abused in every way possible, being criticized about everything I did, sabotaged when it came to my jobs, having the mistreatment made my shame, and attacked for trying to bypass the confusion and help myself. Using the serenity prayer and focusing only on what I can control, “makes me a control freak”. Feeling like there is something wrong about everything I do to the degree thst I’ve been anxious without realizing it most of my life only to have that used by the same people who CAUSED the anxiety and told by people I trusted thst my family member “isn’t a narcissist. She just has a hard time seeing me as a separate person”, has made trusting people, or even myself hard. The fact that I was able to have a career in sales and did very well once I moved away, only to have the fact that I was able to do seen as a bad thing by the narcissist and enablers who now keep forgetting I had a career just like they forget the problems that I’ve had most my of my life, makes sense. This video helped me understand how I went from being described as a pittbull by my coworkers to feeling like poor little orphan Annie. My stuttering wasn’t a problem when I worked. I was good at communicating. Now I’m supposed to believe that the reason why I’m in a slum building with frequent fires the firemen don’t notify us of and that’s violent, is because my distress at the situation makes it hard for people to see how bad the situation is or give direct answers. Besides the problem isn’t the dangerous circumstances, it’s that I’m getting proof of it and that I isolate, and that narcissistic relationship I had as a child. That was said by the person who said years ago that the relationship was NOT narcissistic. Thst went from not being a problem, to being my ONLY problem. Which is just more of the same invalidating an obvious problem and making it seem like “I’m just upset at not being heard”. When I’m being denied basic needs by people paid to help pretending they don’t understand the problem and are clearly the reason why the duper of my building said, He can do whatever the F____ he wants to me because no one gives a D_____ about me”. I loved the group home worker who said mist of the emotionall abusive gaslighting stuff about having not havi a narcissistic relat as a child and joe sayscthet my ony problem and is upset that i have proofvof the frequent discrimination. I told this oerson i loved thrm in front of everyone after 2 years of knowing them at a college retreat, they looked weirded out. Then said they lived another kid they met at the retreat and knew for 2 days. When they victim blamed me the last time we spoke, it seemed to come out of nowhere. But then I thought about how I had started “making a case” in my head before I even called because of the conversation before that and a lot of things they said and did before including the racially problematic things and their continued blatant disregard of me and realized that I had cherry picked the best moments to invent a relationship thst I didn’t really have. In fact blaming my recording the violence as the CAUSE of the violence, then bringing up a similar situation with another girl who she treated differently and defended, caused me to finally admit that she was a racist and sexist for pushing me to be with an old lying boyfriend as if I have no choice about who I’m with. Or like getting with someone I have no respect for, can’t trust, and is just looking for a woman to make her the focus of his life is healthy when I have problems taking care of myself and need to heal from the abuse. It took me years after these conversations to come to these realizations. Just saying, “I’m mad at you _________ out loud to myself in an empty room, took 2 years. However it felt GOOD. And like I was being naughty for express myself. I still have more processing to do once I’m in a safe place. This person was a mother figure. Having emotional flashbacks and realizing all the ways they violated my trust and their job as they vict blamed, makes it feel like it is happening again. Except this time I’m aware of the dehumanizing treatment. All the times she told me I was wrong to feel bad about the abuse. The molestation wasn’t a big deal because the person wasn’t that old, etc. I could write a book about all the messed up things this mother figure said and did. Their bigotry group home worked hand in hand with the violent narcissist they sent me back to without therapy. Neither of them are capable of seeing me as a human being Now I know that the people who I don’t stutter around or feel the need to explain myself too, but felt weird atoun are the healthy people. As disconnected as I am from my feelings, I can tell from the way my stomach hurts and I prepare to “make a case” to some people before speaking to them again, that those are the sick people who I shouldn’t bother with. I don’t notice it if I get caught up in the gaslighting and defensiveness. But when I do it’s clear that I do know who is trustworthy. Their actions, out them. Unless you think EVERYONE is a jerk. Then you settle for the best of the worse. Which reinforces the idea that no one is trustworthy. I’d rather isolation and watching wholesome videos about homesteading and kids, than another relationship with a narcissist/ bully looking for an emotional punching bag. Exposing myself to these videos and pursuing hobbies and reminding myself that there are good people and seeing them lead the lives they want, puts my negative experience into context. It’s WAY more healthy than settling for relationships in a toxic environment. In fact I think it’s therapeutic. As long as I don’t mention the things I enjoy to these kinds of people who are just a variety of haters. Im inspired by the happier people that I watch who share their less than pleasant journey to happiness. It validates my healing strategies like writing letters to people that I don’t plan to show. It’s crazy how the healthiest people I come across ended reavealing at some point how they’ve had some of the biggest challenges. You’d never know it from how resourceful and well adjusted they are. I can understand feeling like you can’t trust anyone. Hopefully my long comment makes it clear I feel the same way to a LARGE degree. In fact depending on what your current environment is, that may be wise reaction to your environment and not just the effects of the past narcissistic relationship. However if you observe yourself, you may realize that you do trust someone or at the very least feel comfortable sharing your experiences with strangers on channels like this. You may also see that there are red flags from people before they violate your trust that distinguishes them from the people worth getting to know. You can trust yourself and take your time getting to know the people who seem kind. These people don’t demand that you give them all your trust right away. If they do like a therapist did to me, you have EVERY right to end the relationship. Even if they keep calling and act like a victim when you repeat for the 3rd time, that you want to end the relationship. You have the right to exist, have a happy life, not feel the need to justify your worthiness. No one can tell you what you need. Isolate, do group therapy, share your pain with strangers who you can mute if you don’t like their response to you. It’s your life. Do what you feel is best. You’re the best expert on what you need at any given time. ❤️

[@elizabethalexander6528]

I am sorry you feel so shitty. We women need to stick together unless your not a female, my bad, we all need to stick together for kindness, love respect all of that.

[@dakoderii4221]

By their fruit you will know them. Don't throw your pearls before swine, lest they stomp them in the mud and turn again to rend you. Those proverbs have both a Biblical spiritual application and an everyday application.

[@ArtLoverScotland]

You just summed me up.I no longer have any trust, including in myself or other people. My views, opinions, judgements, emotions, feeligs, wants and needs.

[@katevans4846]

'The form of trust that matters the most is in yourself. Healing from narcissistic abuse is taking back your self, your instincts, your intuition; knowing yourself and not doubting it.' Powerful words, Dr Ramani. Thank you

[@lovelifexx726]

Omg you just described me after my divorce from my narcissistic husband. I've lost faith and trust in everyone even people that seem genuine. I said to my therapist the other day I wish I could go back to the naive feeling that the world is a trust worthy place.

[@Seanus32]

Very true! Trust flies out the window when you join the dots of what they were up to.

[@MarinaM-o6p]

Loss of trust in a narcissistic relationship will mane anyone NOT TRUST ANY MAN …..it’s unfortunate but true .

[@Candy-O1776]

The worse pain was from a girl, a friend. I thought she was an empath like me, then I got discarded, and rehashed everything…yep, she’s the daughter of a Narc. She is morbidly obese and I never ever was rude or mean to her. It broke my heart. I told her this past Christmas was the first time I had been so excited and had spent hundreds on her and her kids, and donated hundreds to a friend of hers for Christmas. Three days later she told me she was just going to focus on her own kids and herself. Bi said, “Alrighty then”, and blocked her.

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

Trust can come back after a lifetime of betrayals in narcissistic relationships, but it’s a different kind of trust. It’s a deliberate courageous decision to trust again and it feels a lot different than before. It’s built on self-trust and self-respect and self-love. Thank you 🙏 dr Ramani. God bless you❤

[@tundrawomansays694]

This is the reason I cut my monster of a mother out of my life completely 40+ yrs. ago and never looked back. Best. Decision. Of my adult life next to marrying my late husband.

[@PenninkJacob]

If it wasn't for instincts, self-trust, and gut feelings, we'd never know narcissism even existed... thank you !!! ❤❤❤👍

[@Cristyn13]

That is so true!

[@cc1k435]

I don't trust = I try to do everything myself. 🤔 There really may be something to that. On the other hand, I also have learned at home (first as a child, then as an adult in toxic relationships) that help isn't ever coming, and I very often don't even think to ask. ❤

[@Calibri57]

Yup, there’s no one coming to help. That was my mantra for decades. And when anyone DID actually offer to help it shocked me to my core and I became suspicious.!

[@Wishpool]

THIS! Sadly, I relate on every level. My dad & brother are narcs and I've dated several (overt & covert). My last nex betrayed me 4 yrs ago and that was it for me. I'm in survival mode and done trusting anyone, old or new, who hasn't earned it over a long period of time. I'm 57 and wasted too many years of my life putting my faith & trust in others. Although I miss dating sometimes, I love the peace & safety of being alone. ☮🌷🌞

[@loveoneanother881]

I'm with you, sister. You're telling my story. I thoroughly enjoy that I'm the only one who tells me what to do, inside and outside my home, an inviolable sanctuary. Enjoy your peace and sanity 😎💃🌹🥰

[@sharicoburn5475]

Me too

[@abbeyMP]

I could see and feel from the early beginning how many ways of behaving, harmful comments and so much weren't right. I should have trusted my gut feeling..instead I silenced it...However, what I can see now after all is that trust I had in myself and my instincts, in those moments were all right, and that gives me hope, I'd be able to recover trust in life and myself, I'll get there again someday. The loss of trust may be the hardest. Thanks so much Dr. Ramani for all your videos and caring❤

[@dawn7733]

I swear that song Hot N Cold by Katy Perry is about narcissists. I heard it recently and the lyrics are so damningly spot on to the narcissistic man I'm married to.....can't even refer to him as a husband. I'm a single wife.

[@denisedevoto5703]

It is very lonely. Leaving them brings so much peace and one less person to take care of is a huge stress reliever too.

[@hannahhughes4801]

It is lonely being married to a narcissist. ❤

[@alicethomas6645]

😅 Single wife, that's me!

[@tehfizzeh]

I listened to that song after he sort of hinted that he was breaking up with me..though said he wasn't.. and understood the lyrics finally ..when the song came out, I just sang it for fun.. sucks to relate to it!

[@BL-sd2qw]

We are called crazy for having normal human reactions to their craziness

[@shaywow8787]

This is so true sadly. I'm still a year later going through all of this.. and I have found a new relationship and he really is a decent man.. no love bombing.. no trauma bonding, no being told I'm crazy, or that I need to trust them and then getting bit in the ass.. my ex narcissist told me I just had to trust in him and three hours later I caught him on my cctv camera of him having sex with a girl in are home... But it still is hard to give my everything now to my new decent man.. God I hate narcissists

[@georginaaltmann7292]

I'm gland you've found someone else, i hope will too one day, Stuck at romatation stage,

[@cc1k435]

It's been almost a year for me, too, and while I haven't yet been able to start divorce proceedings, I'm sure a helluva lot calmer inside. ❤

[@WalksfortheSoul77]

I'm so sorry. The pain of seeing that and the emotional betrayal must have felt so overwhelming. I had something similar happen and feeling the pain of this today in particular as it comes and goes in waves. I don't know for sure if he cheated on me when we were together but he brought in a new girl to let me know it was over, rather than just ending the relationship. So yeah probably cheated. And like you, two weeks before this he went out of his way to pretend like he was deeply into the relationship, pretending to open to me when he hadn't before, having an incredible night of sex and intimacy. In retrospect I believe it was to make sure that I was very much still hooked into him so that I would be even more hurt when he brought in this new girl to replace me. It's disgusting that there are people out there like this. And this is after I got him through crisis after crisis and helped him get his business out there. They have no conscious. At the end of the day, I still have mine. They can't take that from us. Our character and the love we are.

[@illuminationgoddess3]

Finally understanding that the need to process grief is important.

[@crystalclear7453]

Honestly, yesterday I desided that, as a gift to myself and my healing journey, I'm done trying to meet new people. No potential partner or friends for me. It is exhausting, not only putting my guard down and trying to show the best of me for people to decide if I am worthy of their time and their mediocre idea of empathy, but dealing with the disappointment when you realize they only want to use you or that your presence is not enough, so they throw you in a group with people you don't even know. Those interactions drain me. So, although I am not an introvert, I'm done trying to build new relationships from scratch to try to replace all the narcissistic people I'm getting away from. ❤ All the love that bursts in my heart is solely for me from now on.🎉 10:16

[@zerodeconduite804]

Thank you for addressing this. For me, it is the initial familial grooming that leads to continual abuse outside of those 1st relationships. You become a prime target for predators, repeatedly.

[@Look_at_the_flowers8053]

I’ve struggled with this too, I feel like a narcissist magnet! Thank you for putting the words together as I couldn’t describe it as well as you did. Your family wears you down so other predators can easily scoop you up. If you are fortunate enough to find “real” people to have positive relationships with, you really begin to realize that was not normal or even permissible.

[@Buster-im5so]

I often fantasize about trusting someone else again. Seeing the hundreds of 'friends' on my social media; watch people when shopping; even look at others when attending church services. It makes me very sad to know that many of those people put on a seemingly good show. It's unbearable to put confidence in myself enough to have friends again at this point. It's the flashbacks that hold me back... things that happened in my past. Early retirement creates a comfortable space as well. A miracle would solve the issue.

[@sweetdreams3119]

Been a year for me and cannot get back to a place where I see people as trustworthy enough for my time and energy. I got off the merry-go-round of toxic workplaces and relationships and love early retirement. When I do get lonely, I remember what it was like to be that way IN the relationship. I got off social media, turned off the negative self-talk of blaming myself for getting used, and started living in the present moment, like writing this to you. The past is gone and cannot be done over, but if you must replay it, make yourself the hero of your own movie and remember those times you could trust yourself. I hope you find your miracle. Peace to you!

[@BuckleyThompson]

Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...

[@shockingdocumentaries4255]

I’m guessing that denial of sex wasn’t the only problem. This reminds me of a relationship I had. The problem was similar but also the opposite. I felt compelled to have sex with my boyfriend of the time. Three were a few times I cried during. I thought he didn’t know. Now I know he didn’t care about my feelings. It was all about his needs. Even though I thought it was best to stay out of a relationship for several months because I just left an abusive home, I didn’t get any support. It turns out my instincts were right. I went from leaving a narcissistic to finding another one. I should have known when the original narcissist supported the relationship. She only supports abusive relationships. I ran into the old boyfriend several years ago. He tried to pass the daughter he claims as the same one he had with a girl he cheated on me with even though the girl was 3 years too young. I still remember him telling me when we dated that he had been cheating on me for a year. Having him call her to prove it because he had lied so much. Hearing she was pregnant. Thanking God it wasn’t me. Wondering what this woman did deserve getting pregnant by this guy. Then feeling bad. For her. Nobody deserves that. Talking about running into him at the time with the narcissist and a group home worker I stayed in contact with and having to make the case to both of them for not wanting to get back with a liar and cheating when I have the choice to be with who I want without explanation, made it clear this was another that I was sure about that was undermined as a child and adult by adults who were supposed to protect me or at least encouraged to do what I felt was best, instead made me feel crazy for making healthy choices. Even mentioning how much he lied in the past, seemed to abandon that older child, or went from saying how he didn’t have time for that kid to talking about all of us hanging in an attempt to use the child as bait to rope me back into his life, and said “You know how b||

[@MHiL7]

Or you are his “beard” to hide behind while he is living a double life. These types go both ways.

[@merin797]

The first time he witheld sex, I thought, wtf???? I looked so hot that night. Couldn’t believe it. Blew my mind. He was SO detached. Put his CPAP and went to sleep. Mindblowing. You’re not alone. Sick way of controlling.

[@PeppermintPatties]

I'm so sorry this happened to you and well done for getting out. X A similar thing happened to me, but the opposite. He accused me of not liking sex, that it wasn't my thing, that he had a great sex life before me - but now nothing - calling me frigid, like living as brother and sister (whaaaaa?!)... The pain and the shame was excruciating. Yet he never listened to me when I asked for sex or wanted to discuss it, it was exactly as you said: inappropriate etc. I do miss him now I'm a year out, but I know it wasn't me. It feels like I've been damaged forever. I still struggle to trust myself and others. He couldn't look inside himself for how he contributed to the breakup, he couldn't compromise, and he needed to control me. It's such a shame, but I'm glad I'm out. ❤️

[@jennifern6244]

Best thing to do is... Probably not that. Don't fall for that.

[@saturninebear]

This totally totally spoke to me. I've said this for a long time. It's not just my lost of Trust in others, but my trust in my own judgement. For 8 years now I've rarely left the house and don't engage with anyone - all because of the trauma of the Narcissist and the rape I endured.

[@sharicoburn5475]

I'm very sorry. I hope you got out. I lived it for years. I am 2 years out and finally happy. Healing can happen.

[@b8akaratn]

Yep, this is me. i fully trust that all human beings have potential to do me harm, especially under the 'right' circumstances

[@ashley_sprinkles]

Thank you Doctor. I'm so thankful to be listening to you every morning on my way to work I was feeling sad today but after listening to this especially this one not only did I cry but you also made me feel better. It's very lonely to feel like this and not easy to talk to anyone about this. I talk to my family but they don't understand. "just get over it" I can't. But your helping doctor me and the millions of others going through this. May God bless you may he keep you safe thank you for speaking out for the people who can't

[@v-ee4973]

This is LITERALLY where I am. This video is a godsend, it could not have come at a better time. While I am currently in a dark place, this is keeping that little light of hope in view just when I want to surrender to complete self destruction. Thank you Dr Ramani, I needed to hear this today.

[@kellishomaker8060]

I never was able to see this effect. My life has been a swamp of Cluster B’s that I had to survive. At 62 I am finally finding myself. Thank you for your videos, they help so much.

[@fiction589]

Enjoy your life, kelli ❤ you are free now 😊 once I learned about Cluster B and high conflict personality styles, I avoid them like the devil and life has improved about like 1000% ❤

[@notagain779]

@kellishomaker8060 "A swamp of cluster B's" 😂😂😂 I love that! So true, and this was exactly what it was like at my last job. The entire staff was out to undercut each other. The only thing that kept me there was my boss. We were the only two who saw all of the undercover meanness that was going on. We had each other's back completely, but didn't dare let anyone see that we were friends. We even planned between ourselves, that we would complain openly about each other, to throw off the employees when he wanted to give me a perk or an advantage. We had to be duplicitous like that just out of survival, and to stay sane. Now, looking back, we can laugh about the place. We're both retired now, thank god!

[@kayneich9573]

Cluster Fs too, just quietly.

[@stupensardi2783]

My father always used to say "bad people do well". Unfortunately I now know what he meant. The truth between my narcissistic mother in law and me has completely been destroyed. I never ever expected it but my instincts were right. The betrayal is ongoing and I have gone no contact but the damage is done. It hurts and my life will never be the same again. It has come at a hefty cost.

[@mayLibertyprevail1a]

For me, losing trust in others is the worst. Over 12 years & 2000 miles away from the narc ex, and I still haven't truly made any new friends. It feels like there's a narc lurking around every corner--anyone who might seem nice becomes suspect.

[@tracymullane8818]

It doesn't have to take a long time. You can take your power back and start making decisions for yourself as soon as you decide to.

[@jokendrick2124]

Being an eternal optimist I trust everyone until I can't and then I don't ever again. Luckily I have long time friends who aren't narcissists. Why? How? I am Never friends with someone who is judgmental, envious or jealous of others or who sees everyone as a competitor. I met my best friend at work 46 years ago. She is none of the above. We have those core traits in common. I'm also friends with my 1st cousins my age. Its like having half siblings. So far it is far better than the two dreadful narcissist sisters I have had to disengage. My dog is the piece de resistance. My little buddy. It can be done y'all. Stay positive.

[@well_weathered]

Professionally you can succeed to be met at home with chaos. It feels like one step forward, two steps back.

[@cc1k435]

That was my childhood academic career, for sure. As an adult, I have not even pushed myself to try at anything particularly responsible in the eyes of others. Or rather, not at anything that will be especially lucrative for me. I know it's the shadow of always hearing, "Well, who the hell do you think YOU are?" as a kid. 😢

[@well_weathered]

@@cc1k435 I didn't mean it in a negative light. My work was always allowed when possible and over when not accommodating. My comment was more to say that in an organized successful environment we can achieve. I'm sorry. I understand what you are saying. 🫂

[@dodosmamma1692]

Trust is the biggest loss for me. I trust myself but no one else. I lost friends when I divorced my ex husband because they believed his lies and many became flying monkeys. I’m now suspicious of anyone who tries to get close. Thankfully I’m an introvert and enjoy my own company more than anything. I can’t trust people and I’m accepting that. I’d rather not have friends than have people in my life who will disappoint me. 🙏💕

[@Calibri57]

Rebuilding trust in others started with rebuilding trust in myself first. And that started with being honest with myself about the narcissists in my life and how I had allowed myself accommodate them. But even with all that, trust will never be complete…even trust in myself. It’s a long long journey back to trusting. Even writing in this comment section is a HUGE act of trust for a narcissist survivor! Thank you Dr Ramani. As usual your videos foster discussion of difficult but important topics that help bring clarity. I love to read the comments and personal anecdotes. They are so helpful

[@TienLam-t6b]

THE ONLY TRUST THAT IS THE BEST IS THE TRUST AND BELIEVING IN ONESELF..PERIOD.. This issue reminded me of Buddha Gautama disciples whom had asked Buddha before leaving his frailty body's at the age of 80's or similarly.. Buddha calmly said: DO NOT TRUST ANYTHING COMES FROM OUTSIDE OF YOU ..TRUST YOURSELF AS THE ONLY REFUGE, SAFE AND RELIABLE ISLAND OF SHELTERED in this temporary existence..PERIOD..

[@Animalsrights816]

Being so competent at work and then going back to a narc parent is all the self validation - you were always right- little girl you was always right. You were always more mature. And you deserve all the good things that come your way as an adult bc you are a good person. Period.

[@cherylsibson2529]

Glad you are addressing these issues.

[@stephanie5471]

I’ve seen the lengths people (family, friends, acquaintances, medical professionals, coworkers, you name it) can go to hurt you. This “potential”lies in everyone…so no, I don’t trust ANYONE.

[@CTHou13]

I first need to get over my anger before I can address my trust. He has absolutely destroyed me emotionally and mentally. I think anger is the first step of fighting back, but I do think that in the long run it’s going to be difficult for me to trust again.

[@psalm148.1]

Have been permanently changed by what happened, by what the Narcissists did. Used to be sort of sure of what I did and didn't know about myself, about the world around me, about life. Now I still have to run things (even simplest decisions) by my husband so a mistake isn't made, so I don't trust the wrong people or decisions again. All because they made sure I question(second&triple guess)everything. And trusting anyone now.....😔. Hate that it seems I'll will never get back to someone I recognize.

[@urparadigmshift8707]

This makes a lot of sense. Currently, I’m trying to get out of this dynamic with my husband. But it’s been difficult because I’ve been out of work and having trouble finding a job. And he tells me, “you can’t have a job. You’re not meant to work. You just need to find someone to take care of you.” And it’s so frustrating to hear things like that because I was able to function just fine before he came into my life. It’s true that I second guess, a lot, these days after years of being married to someone who doesn’t support me. I’m isolated at this point because I don’t have a support system, having had two narcissistic parents and no close friends. Losing the trust is real! Please send me good vibes so that I can get on my feet and leave this toxic situation. Thank you.

[@truthseeker-mk4rt]

Please read Jeremiah 29: 11-14 NKJV may this Bless you 🙏🏻 God found me a job when I left the narc. God got me out of that abusive marriage. God opened these Miracle doors for me to get back on my feet in every way possible. May this encourage you. God is Safe and leads us out of this toxicity. 🙏🏻❤

[@laurelflint1866]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. If you live in the US, social services are available to help & guide you. They have helped me tremendously. Also the labor department, has job listings. I know it's hard & exhausting, one day or moment at a time 🌿

[@leslee7059]

Dr R I have been following you since "almost" the beginning for you. This was the most profound video I have watched and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[@p.w.352]

I think trust is my biggest issue. One I grew up with had me fooled that they were no longer the bully they were in childhood, and that they liked and respected me, only to tell me in a rage how much they despise me, and joke about me behind my back, and aired every resentment they've held onto since we were kids. I struggle with new people in my life because I wonder if they are being sincere, or are secretly laughing at me. I also wonder if they are being friendly because they want something from me.

[@andrejfric3764]

I know exactly what you're talking about. I came to the same conclusion (at the therapy) a year ago. Now I still can trust in myself and others, but the trust will be well earned and not given away so easily.

[@oppressednolonger1497]

Dr Ramani, you have most DEFINITELY walked in these shoes, it is SO evident in your wording and insight regarding this painful process

[@melaniebaxter6843]

You are so right on! I'm still struggling to get all of this back.

[@DianaSmaida]

Omg dr. Ramani, every time I hear your videos, I always imagine that you somehow have a CCTV camera in my house, mind and thoughts! Everything you say is a perfect reflection of my own exerience. Since I follow your videos, I got to really, trully know myself. Thank you so much for all your hard work and mostly, for sharing it to us all.❤

[@SandraWellen-sm2sn]

What a blessing you are Dr Ramani, you are my go to videos when life with my adult narcissistic son becomes unbearable. Much love and appreciation.

[@dogood3942]

Thanks for the reminder that we even doubt the process of healing. Your validation is a God send❤

[@Beecosy]

Owwie ouch. This hits home so very hard on so many levels including all authorities. Thank you for sharing and your encouragement.

[@anewlifestirring]

How true! The whole process of life is founded on solidarity, cooperation and collaboration and loss of trust in ourselves and in our environment is generally destructive. So much more, so if it comes from a person who. Is supposed to support us. Not only do we need to be tolerated. We also need empathy and the lack of this support is psychologically and socially destructive and removal from a toxic environment, whether physically or emotionally by becoming grey rock is revival

[@jenniferkilzer5080]

I had one narcissist co-worker, who tried to tell me I was loading a copier wrong, during a very busy shift. I loaded copiers for over twenty years before I met this person, and at that job for months. I knew what she was doing and felt it. She was willing to have me change my pattern just to get to "I told you so!". So low, she wanted to ruin my work and the work that depended on me loading it right. Glad she's retired!

[@benniecampbell3973]

I ran away from a woman that I knew and can “Trust!” because at the time I lost all my “Trust!” for people for two months!!! For two months I was alone running the streets and sleeping on the streets, not even sleeping at homeless shelters!!! I was fearing for my life!!! I prayed to God after two months of being on the streets and God told me that I need to trust at least one person and to start there!!! So I thought about the only one person I might be able to “Trust!”!!! At the time the only person I felt I can trust was the woman I ran from two months ago!!! So I went to church in hopes I would find her there and she was there and she took me in again!!! Your exactly right Doctor Ramani about everything you said because this was my experience!!! For ten years I’V been rebuilding my “Trust!” and I’m still having “Trust Issues!”!!!

[@lornaprice3748]

Trusting anyone is hard, when so many people that only know your narcissistic partner on a superficial basis. Will tell you how your lucky and ÿour imagining this and that your partner isn't like that. All without having lived a day in your shoes.

[@mistyrave7821]

Dr. Ramani ty so much for your empathy and care! Very vew people care the way that you do and no matter the obsticle, you STILL do. I respect you SO much for it! I am but a stranger, but can see your compassion and care for other's. Your work helps many people who need it and I hope you will get rewarded for it accordingly. Again ty!

[@halcy9286]

Thank you so much for addressing this! It was only after getting out of a friend relationship like this that I realized how much damage had been done. The harm can be so sneaky and insidious, just like the abuse was usually so subtle I never felt it was worth it to complain - and in my case it happened over a fairly long amount of time that it can really pervade your life. In the relationship I was in I felt like a cardboard cutout - a stand-in that was needed because this person needed to have a "bestie". I felt like she didn’t really care about me as a person, just wanted the role filled by someone obliging enough not to ruffle her feathers or challenge her too much. I felt like she saw me as her sidekick or something. I thought I could keep it all at arms length. I felt sorry for her in some ways and I was also getting things out of the relationship, but none of it was worth it to feel that way. I'm so glad you talked about this. It really helped me. Thank you! 💕

[@Ineffablemystic]

I grew up in a narcissistic family not even knew it, I am disabled, but after the narcissistic relationship I am at a total loss because I see narcissism in everybody.

[@LarissaSimpson]

Right - I was brought up to be a good person by the narcissists then the double standard makes me not believe I deserve anyone to be a good person to me. How weird. Thank you for clarifying

[@Movingalong2023]

Love it! “…where trust goes to die!”

[@TorgerVedeler]

Absolutely correct. And part of me is terrified that what happened to me is going to make me into a jerk because I don’t ever want to go through dealing with a narcissist again.

[@carmenellman9524]

On Point!❤😢Thank you Dr Ramani 🙏 ❤😢

[@TimetoWonder222]

I'm a cynical optimist at this point. I'll trust surface level until I get to know someone and then we'll see. I've lost trust in family, lovers and friends through the years, but i also have some amazing friends in my life who picked me up and kept me safe when I was reeling and had no idea what to so next. I didn't think I could depend on anyone but two of my oldest friends who i consider chosen family kept at it until I came back around and accepted that i was safe with them. I love them like good siblings. We have all been through a lot and understand one another.

[@kkryz]

Had night sweats last night. Woke up briefly at times cold and soaked. Slept a lot today. I went down the Tony Robbins rabbit hole before bed... maybe that's what did it

[@meghamitaghosh5271]

As soon as we get under the claws of a narc ,we by default forsake the realm of trust and enter the dungeon of self doubt .Gradually we lose ourselves and what remains is a fossil of faith .Narcs ,the trust vampires .

[@seewhatisee7427]

I needed this thank u so much ✨

[@auraliax1323]

i became so obsessive of trying to know what will happen in the future without working for it or facing it, my overthinking is so excessive i became ill & lost my hair & i have chronic insomnia, it's one of the worst things my narcissistic father ingrained in me

[@annjohnson8437]

Geez ... you could literally be talking about me. 😢

[@sanelisiwevernon4920]

So sorry about that

[@cc1k435]

You really will learn to read subtle signs in others to anticipate their wants and needs, all in the name of keeping peace. It is completely exhausting. People aren't meant to be pumping cortisol and adrenaline like that through their bodies constantly over "emergencies" that really aren't and shouldn't be. 😢

[@auraliax1323]

@@cc1k435 YES exactly!

[@Mark-tr9ey]

So true. Working hard on surviving my relationship with a narcissist sibling. My trust issues spill into other relationships. Working on staying present, listening and trusting myself. A journey for sure

[@privateprivate8366]

I trust my cat. So tired of getting burned each.and.every.time. Even when I see Avery warm, smiling, rather innocent face, a feeling of distrust comes over me, a moment later. It isn’t exactly fear all the time either. Just a feeling of, “Why bother.”

[@alliwarwick5590]

I wanted to believe what he told me during the initial phase. the future faking. the future I thought we had...but that's now with someone else.

[@samco63]

Yep. It’s so so so hard to get over that initial fantasy, and really understand that it was just a fantasy. It’s so heartbreaking. I’m dealing with it right now. Trying to make myself understand that I’m grieving the fantasy that he sold with the future faking - not the real abusive him.

[@moniquejackson7741]

Brilliant. OMG, as usual, exactly what I needed to hear. You Rock this, Girl!

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

The feeling of incompetence and lack of trust has been the worst. I used to be so competent, social, and adventurous. It’s been hard to see how I have been knocked down to the point of barely being able to function. Slowly taking myself back, step by step, focusing on the truth that I AM very strong smart competent social and capable despite the hurtful things the narcs have said and done to me. Learning who to trust and who is not safe. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@seantraynor5180]

Thank you Dr Ramani, I now know that once you doubt your innate knowing enough to begin to trust the narcissisti again it must be such an ego rush for them , they must be so enamoured with the skill of their own deviousness that they have captured a hostage, that they can only revert back to the unevolved and destructive primal behaviours that define them ....

[@Alignmented1]

After 2 consecutive online narc connections (1 for a year and another for 2 weeks) I'll look at everyone though a loupe, the big loupe of my inner guidance and knowing. No1 can take that away from me! ✨

[@bingoandtoto]

It is truly the violence that can harm someone`s soul and self-esteem.

[@CrazyEightyEights]

Believe in yourself ♡. It is well worth the investment of your time.

[@lesleyelalami2562]

Trust and reliability means you KNOW you're moving forward on something/one stable. That's something someone erratic will never be able to give you as they're so changeable. Experience with these evil monsters does however teach you to trust yourSELF.

[@clarecollins2547]

With the narcissistic friend I had completely forgotten my achievements- I was retired as well and so I forgot! I felt about 2 inches tall. And yes, I’ve lost a lot of trust in people.

[@sharicoburn5475]

Thanks you for being so vulnerable to share with us that you struggle to, and to be our collective voice to the world!!!! You rock!!!

[@kristinmeyer489]

This is the most spot on video on this that I have ever seen, and I am aware of how this may come off as hyperbolic. It isn't.

[@SusanMorales]

This is so true. Maybe we learn to be more cautious and less naive.

[@maevebutler4641]

I have lost almost all trust apart from my adult kids & their partners Narcissistic ex & i guess most narrcissist's are like sculptors chipping away at us until we dont even recognise who we are anymore I doubted my own sense of reality & was unable to even trust myself until i finally stood up for myself & ended that toxic entanglement that went on off for far too many decade's I was recently gaslighted by my elderly narc mother & it left me shook to my core , the expression of hate on her face as she stared at me left me reeling & i had to exit very quickly I attempted to explain to my eldest daughter but i know she didnt fully understand My son had accompanied me to the hospice & she was this sweet elderly lady but when he left her expression changed, she really did frighten me which probably goes back to when i was a little girl when i had no safe exits Trust is a mega issue with me & im guessing that it will remain so I have worked so darn hard to rebuild all my broken part's

[@rachelspeck1230]

My father could see that I was upset and told me “you can tell me anything” very convincingly. He could see that I needed to talk about it but I had reservations because of the past. He convinced me it was safe to share what I was going through. I have never been more wrong. There is nothing off limits; no low too low. He used the information to torment me and the relentless smear campaign. “You can tell me anything “ he lied

[@shallahcat]

"What did I do?" A question I ask myself over and over.

[@ca5417]

"It's NOT you!" Get her book, it answers that question.... All you did was just try to love someone. Everything wrong is the fault of the narcissist. You can heal!

[@Munchkinlord27]

So much of this was something I needed to hear out loud. Feeling heard and thankful to know the damage done is so heavy.

[@sweetdreams3119]

I may have lost my naive trust in others, but found a profound love for myself. I felt foolish and used at first, but not anymore. Thank you!

[@jenniferstanley2282]

Thank you for making me feel at least validated this morning, if not better. All the things you said, about justice being false, etc., my dad preached that growing up. Everyone was out to get you, it was every man for themselves, no one can be trusted, no one cares about you, and the end of it all is death. I feel this deeply, as much as I try so hard to do the right thing. Sadly, my life experience has borne out that those with integrity and compassion get ground in the dirt while those who manipulate and betray have comfortable lives. I feel so alone all the time. The world makes me weep. And there is little I can do, and believe me, I do all I can. Even thinking that it isn’t this way for everyone, that maybe in another life or universe, things will be better if I am true to myself here and get reborn into a household that isn’t run by evil, gives me a little hope for whatever comes next. I have pretty much radically accepted there is no such thing as hope in this incarnation. All I can do is struggle through and try to bear my sorrow with grace.

[@bellaluce7088]

9:13 It's so true that slowly building trust in *myself* and my willingness to leave things that don't feel right to me (regardless of anyone else's opinion) has made it SO much easier to risk new people and situations (and recover faster if things don't work out). There are GOOD people in the world & we deserve the chance to meet them! 🌈🌱🌿💐🍀💖

[@Day-NNight]

Congrats 🎈

[@bellaluce7088]

@@Day-NNight : - )❤

[@disappearingremedy7400]

Initially, as a young person, learning to trust that you won't really ever feel safe. That's what it's like growing up amongst narcopaths.

[@Hope_is_Love]

All of this is definitely spot on. I'm so glad I came across this channel a couple years ago. It's really difficult when the first people as far as caretakers, my mother and father both have very "self driven" attitudes. My father is more malicious and definitely is the definition of a narcissist. My mom has some mental health disorders and I believe she has more trauma driven responses. Either way it wasn't until 2 years ago I finally understood that every male I dated was like my father. Very avoidant, lying, manipulative. And every female friend I had was like my mother, very codependent and had some mental or physical health issue that they let run their life. Thus me taking the role of being like a big sister. I've Mostly of cut off contact from my parents and it's one of the best decisions I made in my life. Also decided to quit dating 3 years ago. In 2023 I finally have been able to start trusting myself again. Now I'm working on trusting other people. It's a very long process, but totally worth it.

[@karenmccoy4077]

You just described me to a t, i had a father who molested me, at 18 married into a emotional and physically abusive spouse, divorced remarried a narcissist. I am going to be 67 this year and want out but he has depleted my finances taken away my car, my health, no support, destroyed any friendships i had. He will not allow me to make new friends. I walked up to a elderly man in home depot who had a little dog in his cart and started talking to him, he caught me talking, came running over, literally, and stopped my conversation took over the conversation only to tell the man sorry we have to leave. I am a prisioner and can't get free. Talk to a therapist is not an option , no transportation and no money. I live in pennsylvania with no fault divorce, i have no money to for that either. I trust no one! I am an introvert. I worked but had to retire on disability. Would love to have my own home, i see my self in a cute 2 bedroom home on 3 acres for my dogs to have space. I don't like neighborhoods. Every part over your description fits me to a T i am amazed.

[@idontuseahandle]

Your recent videos have been hitting so hard I bought yr book! Due to unfortunate circumstances, living back with my covert narc mum after spending my entire life being as far away from her as possible. Hiding in a dark room from reality experiencing everything you talk about in this video. Time to read the book methinks.

[@sartrznaet8275]

Hello, Doctor Ramani! Thank you for your channel and for all the information you give. I am a 27 yo woman, I have recently discovered I have NPD (covert type). I had a big struggle finding a therapist and trying to understand what is going on with me. It was a harsh truth to find out about myself and not to give up therapy (1,5 years now). I am working so hard to change my method of interaction with the world. Thanks to your videos, I now can see the toxic patterns in my behaviour and I am really grateful for that. I am writing this because I have watched so many of your lectures and you always say narcissists cannot change and every time I hear that I hear the sentence. Sometimes, then I read info about narcissists I have a feeling as if I was reading about vampires. I am putting so much effort to control my emotions and communication, to feel and act more or less normal in the society with my disease. Under the supervision of a therapist. I would love to hear a video from you with some advices for N people who are trying to manage the disorder?👉🏼👈🏼 Thank you again for your work Don’t know if it was toxic to write this message

[@StaceyHurley-o4l]

Can’t trust anyone including myself

[@Candy-O1776]

Yea, I rehash every interaction I have, to see what I did wrong.

[@cc1k435]

At least you can work on that, once out of the situation. While in it, it's very hard to think straight and just as hard to get the space to try. ❤

[@MonaReif]

Mariah Carey's Hero-my go to when I don't know why others can't just be decent and kind to each other. "Then a hero comes along with the strength to carry on, and when you finally learn the truth, that the hero lies in you."

[@ca5417]

Trust, just like respect, should be earned, proven and maintained. We are taught to automatically love and trust everyone, no matter who they are or what they do. It really makes no sense. Users and abusers depend on that initial 'benefit of the doubt'. And healthy boundaries are not part of life since most people are survivors of abuse. However, with understanding from your book, now we can choose with wisdom. Thank you for reading it yourself too, it gives your words much more credibility. I know they are true from my own personal experience.

[@dawn5428]

Thank god for people like you. I first watched a video by Dr Daniel fox who opened my eyes to narcissistic abuse. Both my parents were narcissists who left me confused for 25+ years. Hopefully those who are lost find these precious videos to bring their true personalities back to life ❤

[@rashmikodibagkar7324]

Your words are as if the 10:16 universe is talking to me. Exact, precise feelings going in my head are vocalized and explained by you, trying to heal me, comfort me n trying to make a meaning of this lifetime kind of hurt put on me so easily by the narcissistic person. The narc’s emotional abuse gaslighting,criticism,,devaluation, rage, constant triangulation for 25 years is called NPD Hallelujah!!! I came to know only after his discard when narc went off with the new supply from his office. Today I am at this mental place where I am trying to figure out who am I , after 25 years of mind games played by the narc I do not know where the old actual carefree , full of trust, full of life , full of self confidence, happy go lucky person that was me once vanished ?! cos the narc put me down so much steadily, constantly , blame shifting and arguments, shouting that today I ask the universe is there justice?!! Shameless people with no consciousness, ethics morals , commitments make their own rules and hypocrisy is that these narcs expect you to be fair.🤪

[@ep2999]

I am being trustworthy. I am the trust.