When you need to admit that you were wrong

I went through an important learning experience this week.
On Saturday night I was bullied like I haven't been bullied in 25 years. It was not ok, and it hurt... but it was what happened next that really changed me.
It wasn't an easy lesson, but it was all the more rewarding for being challenging. I hope you'll follow along with me...
Love, Cathy x
Books I'm reading right now:
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"White Fragility" by Robin deAngelo
"Why I'm No Longer Talking To White People About Race" by Reni Eddo-Lodge
"An Era of Darkness: The British Empire in India" by Shashi Tharoor
Videos I'm watching right now
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All of these are under 20 min, many under 10, or even 5:
Debunking The Most Common Myths White People Tell About Race | Robin DiAngelo
• Debunking The Most Com...
This is the paradigm shift that could stop racism | Robin DiAngelo | Big Think
• Video
Dr Shashi Tharoor MP - Britain Does Owe Reparations to India
• Dr Shashi Tharoor MP -...
What I am learning from my white grandchildren -- truths about race | Anthony Peterson | TEDxAntioch
• What I am learning fro...
The Dangers of Whitewashing Black History | David Ikard | TEDxNashville
• The Dangers of Whitewa...
Let's get to the root of racial injustice | Megan Ming Francis | TEDxRainier
• Let's get to the root ...
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Join my mailing list and ask your own question:
eepurl.com/ciT6hT
You can also follow me and see my own sewing on Instagram:
/ cathy.hay
Your letters and cards are welcome at Mr Worth's old place.
7 Rue de la Paix
Paris 75002
France
Please don't send parcels to Paris - import fees are expensive! You are far too generous. But if you really want to send something larger, or you're in the UK like me, I also have an address here:
1 Northumberland Avenue
Trafalgar Square
London
WC2N 5BW
United Kingdom
Thank you, thank you, to everyone who has sent something to me. It is deeply valuable to read your words in your own handwriting and hold them in my hands. It helps me to connect to who you really are, and what you really need from me. I read, enjoy and treasure every one. Thank you.

[@CathyHay]

If you are unfamiliar with British cultural norms, let me spell out the context for this video: when Brits feel something deeply, we understate it. The more subtly we understate it, the more deeply it is felt and meant. Also, the framing of this shot is deliberate. We are facing a seemingly huge set of drawers, head on, in which there is a lot to unpack. One thing is very obviously sitting on the top left: the Indian elephant in the room. That's deliberate too. Oh - and keep the comments extra-specially kind, please. We could all use a little kindness today.

[@susannahallanic1167]

Cultural norm has caused more hurts, pains, losses and deaths than anything in the world. It is a division maker. I'm an immigrant where ever I am. I never fit in. I've accepted my reality and the result is that I know I am the one usually at fault line. I've spent my life learning that this is the way my life will be, but I still expect to be treated with the same respect I give others. It was my habit to tolerate slights for a time until I just felt like exploding and therefore granted myself permission to explode. I no longer do that. I find a way. I got use to using sleeping masks and listening to the sounds of a gurgling stream in the forest in order to not hear my neighbors' daily activities while I slept (I worked from 1830h until 0730h). In other words, I seek a way to not interact culturally with others. I will never understand the culture in which I am living because it takes all of the formative years to absorb it. My culture died in between 1968 - 1970. I pretty sure that is going to happen to everyone once they are 60 and older. Advice? Change can only occur within one's self.

[@Alice0hMy]

@@susannahallanic1167 May I ask what your cultue is? Do not feel obligated to answer if you do not wish, i am only a curious "rennaissance" aspie

[@damecali]

Hello Cathy, you should read "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg" . It goes well with what you experienced.

[@gayleklein7243]

Your experience goes beyond just cultural norms. The core of the problem is that most people are too busy talking to actually listen and hear what the other is saying and the intent behind the words. Well done to you for opening your ears.

[@raeafoley6131]

Dearest Cathy! I one hundred percent understand and know where you're coming from. And of course I don't know the details passed what you have expressed, but I can absolutely understand your reaction. Whether or not things where said that could have been said differently is in that moment "irrelevant"! You felt what you felt and it had to come out. I too have spent numerous times with my head in the pillows, literally screaming in pain and frustration and balling my eyes out. I consider myself a very kind, compassionate and forgiving person, but we all get to a point where enough is enough! I had neighbours of the worst kind, constantly trying to be polite and see i I can "engage" with them...one of them still remains. For quite a while it involved the police coming out at least three times a week and they still have to come out on occasion now. Sadly, not all people are willing to work together, to strike compromises. I'm no angel, but appreciate people's honesty, as long as the can remain respectful and humane. I find it hard to be wrong, but upsetting people or wrong them I hate even more. And I know we are always told it takes two to tango...but I also believe that sometimes, some people are just wrong the way they behave towards others, without any fault on the others part. Now I know what most people say, nobody is without fault. That is true. I'm just saying that in some cases it isn't always a two sided street. In any case, I am very happy for you that you and your neighbours have managed to come closer. And it is indeed a very brave thing to recognize and admit one's own issues. It is even braver to share it with strangers. All of us here and those who are close to you hold you in very high regards. We love what you do and appreciate your time, you passion and your wisdom! Humanity is here to learn, to experience...ourselves and one another! My blessings and love to you Cathy. I hope you will have a peaceful weekend, and a joyful week ahead! And thank you for sharing those links!x

[@kjburned9668]

As a wise general once said, “Pride is not the opposite of shame, but it's source. True humility is the only antidote to shame.”

[@chaotic-goodartistry3903]

KJ Burned I read that in Uncle Iroh’s voice, just finished the series, Iroh has such good words of wisdom :3

[@kimberly_erin]

Chaotic-Good Artistry what he’s this episode last night!

[@evelepic216]

This is so true. And now I'm lowkey crying on bus cause I miss Iroh 😢 😭 May have to watch Atla when I get home!

[@mollysmith1711]

Thank you so much for posting this. I'm a high school kid. Hearing that someone who's become somewhat of a role model for me say that they had a hard time in high school was reassuring in a way that I don't have the words to convey. My parents (and myself too, sometimes) have issues admitting that they're wrong. This has had a considerable impact on me and my self esteem sometimes. So thank you, for saying that adults can admit when they're wrong. This video will be very helpful for me on my road to self betterment ❤❤

[@susanrobertson984]

Molly I often say the biggest lie I heard growing up is that "You'll understand X when you're older." My folks said whatever they needed to in order to avoid answering questions they didn't want to. They never admitted they just didn't have all the answers, as if being an adult magically imbues you with that knowledge/understanding. Adults should admit when they are wrong and don't know something. Some can't handle it.

[@laurenconrad1799]

I think everyone watching this channel had a hard time in high school. You are not alone. High school is hell. Anyone who doesn’t feel that way probably isn’t worth spending time with. But once you’re out of high school, you’ll have the opportunity to choose your friends and avoid the types of people you dislike. You’ll have a lot more life choices after high school. It will get better. But it probably stinks right now, I know. Just make it through the four years and then you can thrive in life. ❤️❤️❤️

[@fabianarosa372]

Beautifully said! Right path

[@beckywebb1916]

My husband and I have a saying that we taught and modeled to our two children. When any one of us needed to apologize, we would say to the person wronged, “You were right; I was wrong, I’m sorry.” And the person wronged had to say, “I forgive you.” This showed our children that we could be wrong, admit it, and apologize. It was equally important for the other person to avoid saying, “That’s ok” because it wasn’t ok that the person was wronged. It was probably the best lesson we ever gave them.

[@delanocarson7544]

God this level of confrontation makes me feel utterly nauseous just thinking about. Well done doing the hard work and working through it.

[@juliemiller9258]

I agree, but they were in the wrong. When you live in a shared living space there are some unspoken rules such as observing night quiet times even if you are a day sleeper. One does not complain about a crying baby, but does report when an older child is being beaten. Shared spaces share both responsibility and accountability. And being weird? We are all weird. Get over it. It is being called unique. Aloha

[@commonwealpanther]

A lot of people can't quite name that tension that makes you nauseous. That you see the connection is a good first step to not being controlled by it, because when you feel it you can pay closer attention to what is happening and why it's making you feel that way.

[@petronellataube2986]

@Julie Miller both were in the wrong. The first time you ask for someone to be mindful, you don't shout it through the window sarcastically. You stay respectful, because anyone can be accidentally loud in a party setting. And you don't wait until your anger boils over.

[@eptck]

humility is not strength’s antithesis, but it’s equal. it is pride that says “i’m too strong to admit defeat! i can’t lose,” because it turns life into a competition. it takes great- and true- strength to say “no, i’m not going to lose anything by admitting i need to work on myself. life is not a competition between me and those around me, but one between me and who i was yesterday.” i personally believe that the only mark of a good person is the want to change. good people are those who wake up every morning and vow to be a better person than they were yesterday, and then actually go and do it. a good person is not someone who never falters, never needs to admit that they were wrong, but one who willingly admits they were wrong to make their own growth happen faster, and to help those around them

[@Honestberry]

Beautifully said.

[@Wildevis]

My mom always said the biggest room in the world is the room for improvement and I took it to heart. It is never a bad thing to stop and check you premises and admit to mistakes made and commit to positive change

[@aalin5701]

That's a lovely bit of advice 😁

[@wumologia]

I live in Poland, a country in which it is completely acceptable to scream at your neighbours to pipe the *** down. And if they don't, it's also completely normal to call the cops on them, as there is such a thing as statutory enforced quiet hours. Being sarcastic wouldn't even get noticed. I suppose the British way is more subdued than I could possibly imagine...I cannot fathom what it's like to live in a society in which subtleties like this matter, but I'm happy that you've managed to find your way out from a difficult situation. Still not in love with your neighbours for hosting coronaparties OR calling you playground insults.

[@kenshinhimura2322]

The person who said those horrible things are revealing the things they are upset about in their own life. It’s not about you. You were just the most convenient target. I’m sorry you have to deal with those idiots.

[@missvioletnightchild2515]

Cathy this was so beautiful. As someone who's very intolerant when it comes to noise, I've probably been dealing with previous neighbours badly. As for the other stuff... yes. When I first got into social justice, I didn't get it all. Growing up somewhere very diverse, I thought I knew a lot. I didn't. I have learned so much through following Black and Native activists, as well as other people of colour. There's a meme doing the rounds which goes "Feeling uncomfortable is a necessary part of unlearning oppressive behaviours" and people need to recognise that. I love the way you put it ❤

[@eccremocarpusscaber5159]

Miss Violet Nightchild have you washed any feet yet?

[@cremebrulee4759]

I love that meme.

[@chrysanthemum8233]

"Feeling uncomfortable is a necessary part" -- it is. Although facing down the discomfort and shame gets easier with practice. I grew up in a very white neighborhood, and while I was raised to not be racist, I had little exposure to people unlike me so I was ignorant. Luckily when I was young my few non-white friends were very compassionate about explaining to me "I know you didn't mean it in a bad way, but it's not okay to say that and here's why." It still feels AWFUL but you do get better at saying "oh shit I did not know that, I won't do it again, sorry for upsetting/embarrassing you."

[@renwickery407]

Listening to your wisdom is like drinking a calming cup of Jasmine tea...

[@aliceb6248]

Cathy is basically Uncle Iro from ATLA

[@eiszapfenkobold]

Introverts or non-mainstream persons and neighbors are a difficult thing.

[@AllSeeingScorpio]

Agreed!

[@RoSario-vb8ge]

Yes, privacy is a huge thing.

[@ldg2655]

Anyone who would yell at someone, calling them weird and mocking them, is exhibiting very childish behavior. Your soul-searching and humble admission that you need work as well, touches a chord in me.. I’ve only recently found you via Bernadette, but I find that your vlogs are so much more than a ( much enjoyed) sewing how-to... I am learning so much about life and kindness and humility, even as I thought that I was pretty well set in those departments... Thank you for grounding us, teaching us, and helping us grow..

[@thegreenpincushion510]

Thank you. As a Black American, I appreciate your sharing in this manner. Also, as a American, I appreciate your clarity on British understatement.

[@musketell9002]

Having dealt with neighbours like this and much worse, there is absolutely nothing left within me willing to apologise to people who have no respect for others around them. I've moved to get away from people like this and would absolutely do it again if needed. Parties in a pandemic would have had me on the phone to the ASB crew without a second thought. Honestly, this whole story just made me so incredibly grateful that I live in a neighbourhood where people genuinely give a toss about those around them to the extent that a quiet chat about the noise would have ended the situation then and there.

[@followyourbliss2978]

“It takes a big person to do the work of being humble.” What you said should be turned into banners, posters, bumper stickers, tattoos, etc. Humility is a strength and really hard, especially when the cultural norms are telling you the opposite (I live in the US). Humility opens the door to so many other positive attributes like compassion and empathy. Just imagine the world we could create if we approached each day with humility. I am inspired. Thank you!

[@MartiasMuses]

I absolutely agree ;-)

[@wowanothercookie]

While it's a good saying, I don't think putting it on a sticker means anything, I find a lot of sayings printed out don't really have meaning or influence.

[@idabee7605]

This really struck a familiar experience for me. I’m in Highschool, so of course petty things happen here and there socially. I had a group of friends who had deeply wronged and hurt me. I sent a text to a friend asking for an apology and an explanation. That was met with a paragraph listing all of the ways in which I’d misstepped with others, ways I hadn’t even thought of and was completely oblivious to. When I first read it I was angry and confused, but the more I read it the more I realized all the ways I *was* wrong. He apologized and explained, admittedly very poorly, and I apologized and explained to the best of my ability. I’ve since left that group of people, but as shitty as the experience was it left me a much better person. Maybe I never did anything in malice, but now I take care to consider my actions as much as possible before and during them. You’re definitely not alone, Cathy. These things happen and oh boy do they suck, but they improve us all so so much.

[@maryblooms4599]

As an ADULT who is considered “sensitive “ her whole life, I have a tendency to snap back if I feel slighted. Regarding text messages and feeling hurt by them. My adult children are African American and have said things in texts to me or on social media to make me feel as if I made mistakes in how I dealt with things in their past. Yes, I felt slighted but I waited a few days to write back as they were correct. It is difficult being a mother, but as a white mother to black children there is a special degree of difficulty no matter how much I THINK I understand. Thank you for this message

[@misskit866]

I found you via the beautiful, funny Bernadette and am so thankful. It has taken me a long time to learn this--sometimes you're right, and you're right to be angry--but that doesn't mean you're right to explode all over the other person (or turn it inward on yourself). What will that solve? It will only escalate; on a larger scale it leads to war. We cannot control others, but we can change how we respond to the world, to the small issues and the larger systemic wrongs. Listen, learn, stop labelling one another with offensive names (stop focusing on the label), listen some more, examine your casual assumptions. Oh it isn't easy, but I believe it is the only way forward. Thank you, Cathy, I look forward to learning more from you.

[@mouseluva]

me: So ready for Cathy's video! Cathy: [sits down seriously and looks me straight in the eye] me: oh no me, 5 mins later, in pyjamas and a blanket: ok now im ready for real Edit: I still wasn't ready. Thank you for this video Cathy.

[@jackswild]

One of my favorite things my grandmother taught me when I was young, was that "It tends to be that those who are quiet outwardly, that have the loudest souls." Her point was that often when we don't know how to interact, or deal with confrontation, or experience things that make us uncomfortable but refuse to speak on it, that our souls are soaking up all that anger and frustration, and turning it into feelings of unjust. That we can be quiet outwardly, but we might admit to ourselves that peace and solitude must also come with the willingness to stand up for ourselves and speak when we need to. This was a hard trait to learn, and I will readily admit that I haven't mastered it yet. When I feel as if my peace is being stolen from me, I tend to isolate and those feelings of anger make a steel ball in the pit of my soul that inevitably end in outward signs of aggression. You learned a valuable lesson here, and I applaud you for that. We are all a little worse for wear when we refuse to handle situations calmly and with kindness. Thank you for sharing. I hope you find some solace in your new found open dialogue and that you find peace when you are trying to sleep.

[@sharayalee3376]

We're taught at a young age to apologize, though sometimes in a forced "say you're sorry" kind of way. We aren't taught how to have an actual apologetic conversation and they become more difficult when we're older. Good on you for looking at yourself and responding in a way that gave your neighbor room in the conversation for them to look at themselves too. Sending you love from Seattle

[@christianjeffmarces5994]

This lesson is definitely something that we tend to forget in the heat of the moment... pride can be a very difficult thing to wrestle with, and I very much understand the feeling of "I'm a nice person, and I was right". Thank you for this wonderful reminder, Cathy. It's always such a pleasure to hear from you and listening to your advice. Wish you all the best!

[@EvalynDick]

I find this difficult when i see parents/adults who have difficulty finding a way to admit wrong with children because they think it removes their power/authority

[@Kittyscrazyfurrmusic]

Thank you Cathy! We have new neighbors in the flat next to us, they are what we Germans simply and in summary refer to as "some refugees". We always saw people that have the refugee status as "some people" unfamiliar, different though never hateful but not our concern. But the light of recent events somewhat opened my eyes to the fact that THIS is the issue! We are the problem... and deary me that's a blow. So they have their garden next to ours and when we were outside we went and approached them in a friendly way and though the parents of the 6 children (3yo - 21yo) didn't speak much German the kids sure did and we had a very pleasant conversation, partly translated through one of the kids. They are from Serbia and here since 8 years! So much for "some refugee"! And they are just people, very kind and pleasant people! We just offered them any help like the "should you need any sugar, just come over" kind of things but it's a start and I am glad we did it! We so very urgently have to become aware of our prejudices and fears! And I as a pan and poly person need to advocate it even more the skin color shouldn't be a reason to alienate people neither should be their cultural heritage or their orientations! We are all human beings for fudges sake!

[@unouni2548]

I wish more people had told me when I was young that it was ok to change my mind, that realizing I had been wrong and working to improve myself wouldn't make me feel stupid or my opinions less important.

[@abigaelmacritchie1365]

Keeping my ego under control when I feel attacked has been one of the hardest thing I've had to do, especially because I have a special talent for getting impressively and kind of awesomely annoyed (so it flatters my threatened ego to do so). But once I started, I found it was easier than I had anticipated and that amazing stuff happened which never could have otherwise. Thank you for sharing your humbling story, I hope you get to a great situation with your neighbours 💙

[@MartiasMuses]

Oh, I can relate so much. But once you start trying, it gets easier and easier and it definitely teaches you a lot about how to treat people better and not being an ass ;-)

[@TheMetatronGirl]

My mother has always said, “It takes two to tango.” She meant it in terms of taking two parties to argue. She has always impressed upon me the importance of taking accountability and responsibility for my own actions in any conflict and to try to be the “better” person. Thank you for reminding me to listen to my mother.

[@carolynclarke1196]

Brava, Cathy. I've been following you for a while via Bernadette Banner. I always find your comments interesting even if I don't always agree with them. I am a black woman living in America and this is a very tumultuous time and I appreciate any effort for white people trying to understand the viewpoint of people of color. I commend your efforts and we need more of you to "put on your big girl pants" and step up, even if it is uncomfortable. Because please remember that it is just as uncomfortable and unsettling to us. This is not a zero sum game to us. It is our lives.

[@doro8856]

I don't understand what race, or black viewpoint, has to do with the contents of the video. Did I miss something?

[@BraveEmpress]

@@doro8856 The lesson there applies to the world situation with racism as a whole. A lot of folks are having a hard time accepting that they aren't seeing the things that they're doing, whether they meant to or not (myself included). Watching until the end of the video and reading the description should help a bit with your confusion.

[@zoewheeler142]

Doro the bigger picture at the moment regarding being English, Colonialism, Black lives matter etc, taking the lesson learned and applying it to what’s happening in the World. 💜

[@carriehazel77]

@@doro8856 did you not watch until the end? Did you not glance at the links in the description box?

[@doro8856]

@@carriehazel77 Yes and yes.

[@tiiaj7589]

There is no person who does not need to improve in some aspect of their lives. Wisdom is realizing it, humility is admitting it, and maturity is working to repair damage and improve moving forward weather others reciprocate or not. Being a “good person” isn’t about never making mistakes, it’s about how you handle the mistakes that you will inevitably make. 🥰

[@KHAZimmermann]

This was an extremely classy, and thoughtful video to make. You are a very powerful storyteller! I've been spending a lot of time recently relearning my history of Europe, and seeing how biased my view of it has been. Thank you very much!

[@MossyMozart]

@KHAZimmermann - If you haven't already read it, read the book "Bury Me Standing". It will give you insight into the European history and lives of the Romani people (derogatorily called "Gypsies").

[@KHAZimmermann]

@@MossyMozart Thank you very much for the recommendation, I've never heard of it! I'll definitely go check it out!

[@MossyMozart]

@@KHAZimmermann - Have tissues ready!

[@catherinekeehn2773]

How lovely to hear about grown up people coming to a agreement of peace! If marriages, neighbors and coworkers could all learn to do this, what a truly wonderful world this could be!

[@peggyriordan9857]

In an earlier video you had mentioned that you would be looking into seeing a therapist regarding potentially suppressed anger regarding a former beau. I am wondering if doing that helped you in a way that allowed you to read and re-read the text until you saw what was really being said to you, about you. When I was about 40, I realized that people were not responding to me in a way that told me I was behaving in the manner I thought I was behaving and I was sad. I saw a therapist about this. My therapist believed in giving me homework. One assignment was to interview 3 men, one I knew personally, one professionally and one acquaintance. The same for 3 women. I had specific questions I was to ask. It was scary for me to do this assignment, but it was one of the most enlightening experiences I've ever had. I had one week to accomplish it. I learned so much from this assignment that I often reflect on it when something isn't going well. So, I've been there, done that and yes I still screw things up from time to time, but it is easy to genuinely apologize now, when it wasn't before. Yes, it is all about the work, it's all about our willingness to look at ourselves in a truly honest way. Congrats for doing this work. You will truly be happier as a result of it. I am wishing you the best on your journey.

[@saraa4425]

This is very interesting! Thank you for the insight...would you mind sharing the questions? I only ask because I feel the same way and would love to do this experiment myself. My friends, coworkers, and family all describe me very differently and I know we are complex human beings with multitude of sides to us, but I would love to know the real me, and how is my way of communication and expression leading different people to different conclusions. Thank you!

[@PatMcFadyenGrowingGradeByGrade]

Would you please share the questions you asked?

[@MossyMozart]

@@saraa4425 - I know what you mean about appearing differently to different people. My best friend (and I, too) tells me not to be so painfully shy around others while many people tell my friend that I am such a big, aloof snob. The same behavior, seen in different eyes.

[@erinstaley6350]

I'm always excited to step into your world for a little while. This is the first time doing so has brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for posting this. And to you and everyone in the costube community who has done such amazing work and encouraged others to do the work, too.

[@iullydesiderio4068]

I have 2 neighbors. A pair of drummers and a family with 5 children. I totally identify with the situation. And how hard it is to take responsibility for my own actions and their consequences. Mostly if it comes from a "right" request. Is always an exercise to be able to say, I could do better, I could plan it better before exploding. And to listen when someone says that to me is always a challenging experience. Thank you for sharing your experience and I hope you never get through more bullying in this lifetime 🌻

[@sonder3806]

Dear Cathy, thank you for sharing such a personal story and inviting others to a similar journey. For those that are missing the broader message, I hope it will sink in over time. And for those that criticize I say, I welcome imperfect allies. And finally, if this is causing you to reflect on the Peacock Dress - please, please, please don't abandon it. It can be used in so many positive ways, I know you'll find a way to honor the hands that created the original.

[@angelaciani2110]

what a glorious message and i adore how you pressenred it!!! i wholeheartedley agree 👌🏻🖤

[@surabhiagrawal9936]

Cathy, thank you for sharing this! I love how you framed that owning that we are a part of the problem is adulting. And I loved the way you shared this message in such a different way than I have been hearing it all over social media. It really helped to hear it through humility along with the fear, anger, and information heavy messages I have been hearing.

[@persiswynter6357]

Too many times we just say the "I'm sorry" apology without it being more than lip service. We don't delve into why an apology asked, and we never change our behaviors, much less our thoughts. Good for you, Miss Cathy, in truly talking with your neighbor and building a better relationship with them.

[@gigglepantsiii9350]

Communications is not a skill that you learn once and are a master of it. It takes constant learning, practicing and application. We all interact with the world in our own way and talking things out is one of the few ways we as human beings have to understand each other. It isn't always nice or pleasant, but that doesn't make it any less necessary. It's easy to brush off the concerns of others if listening to them makes you reflect inward and see the less then perfect parts of yourself. There is no finish line for growing. No matter where you are in life you will never be 100% grown up where you will never need to learn or change ever again. Thank you for sharing Cathy, the magic of the internet can make it seem like the less then comfortable parts of life are a personal failing and not just a part of growing as an individual

[@mishadasari]

I don't know much about film making but I felt that the way you shot this video made me focus more on what you were saying and I was hanging onto every word. Thank you for speaking up about issues, sharing your wisdom once more, and for accepting you can be wrong, that really does take a very big person and I hope to learn from you

[@leavoda3791]

My husband and I have a problem that surfaced this last weekend. Something he did, but what was caused directly by the way I act for the last, allmost, whole year. We talked about it yesterday and we resolved some of it, but when I woke up this morning, I was ready to circle back and blame everything on him. Find excuses why it's not my fault. Dump the whole problem on him and act hurt and all tragic. Listening to your story helped me understand that I have a late occuring tantrum. Thank you for sharing this story and helping me overcome my childlishness. Hw and I both need to work on this problem and resolve it without being petty and blind to our own faults. Thank you Kathy.

[@sabrinaprior6874]

I have a nightmare neighbour. I won't list what makes him so but it's super bad. I finally talked to him yesterday. Said I would try finding him a place that has some medical support to help him. Cuz living alone isn't working for him. That I would take time to talk to him everyday. For human contact. I would stop being so judgemental and work forward. We can't change the past but we can improve the how we face the future. I had to admit my faults which is difficult and not at all fun. Never is. But I feel a whole better today than I did yesterday. Thanks for the vid. 💖💖💖 😷😎😷 My rescue cat after 1 yr and 8 mths has finally learnt about the joys of being petted. Victory!!! We've got trust now!!! 😻😻😻 😷😎😷

[@MartiasMuses]

Admiting you were wrong is one of the most painful feelings I know, it just makes you feel so small and vulnerable. But once you take the courage and do it, it just lifts something off your chest. And it definitely teaches you a lot.

[@MossyMozart]

@Sound of Muses - And it seems that Ms Hay may have turned neighbors into friends!

[@Beautyonthebrain_]

I've always had trouble with neighbors as I have over stimulation issues, that being said, I've realized that my issues are my own to deal with & while I can ask my neighbors to be considerate of those, I can't expect them to change their lives to make me more comfortable. As I write this I am listening to the neighbor kid bang away on his drums..but I know he will stop by 5 as that is the agreement we have reached. We need to accept responsibility for our behavior & mistakes.

[@PibbleMom297]

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt

[@desertlillie9659]

Begin by learning to apologize to your children. This was an incredibly difficult lesson to learn for me, but remarkably liberating. Once you learn to apologize to your children, a whole new door opens. You’ll find that apologizing comes a bit easier, regardless of the person or situation. Brava, Cathy!

[@lamsing2u]

Thank you for being so candid and open with us. I know I am a “work in progress” and it’s very comforting to hear your story and know that I I am not alone. I keep trying to do better each day. Thank you for your words of support.

[@amal-chan]

I think it’s weird to have over a group of people until late hours every week or so! The thought of it drains my energy. I rather have small group to come over for tea, sharing meaningful moments and conversations. Anyway.. There aren’t many people who are open to have civil conversations. My grandmother is half African, and I sort of look like her. Although I don’t look like an African person but I deal with some stuff, not only because of color, also because of religion and nationality. The problem isn’t only about a race. It runs deep down to the need to feel superior. The mention of humility is very important! People talk about civil right and the injustice, forgetting about the need to be humble and recognizing the faults within oneself. I wish many more watch your message.

[@candlewaywriting8832]

I’m just sitting with this video, letting myself feel it. It does seem to be that life feels much more fun, more interesting, and safer (emotionally, physically, healthfully, even financially) when we become neighbors with those we want to “cast out as an other.” Thank you for yet another heart-opening video. 🤲

[@nicnaknoc]

Yep been there too - sometimes our wittiness doesn't translate for others who a massively different from us, and when we are wronged it's even worse to be confronted with our own snarkiness (privileges), in the small daily lives and on a big communal scale. You are a lovely woman and I'm so glad that you found a common ground with you neighbour

[@Mitsuna]

Your videos always seem to come at the right time, I needed to hear this recently and I really learn a lot from how you talk through various topics. Thank you Cathy and I hope you are doing well!

[@Lunareon]

Kindness and understanding work most of the time. In the rare cases they don't, the people you're trying to interact with are usually too intoxicated (substance-wise or emotionally) to be reasoned with anyway, in which case it's better to just do what you can to make your own situation more bearable in that moment, and postpone the conversation to a better time. I always carry a pair of earplugs with me, because of sensory issues, and in most situations it's more worthwhile and _reasonable_ to just protect myself than to confront others. I firmly believe that there are countless little ways like this to help everyone coexist peacefully. :)

[@ileen2690]

What an inspiring video this one is... I've been facing the same "noisy neighbors" problem through the years, sometimes they didn't want to start a dialog so it ended up with me sending them the police... But with my current neighbors, even if at home I get so crazy when they put on their loud music, everytime I go to see them I make sure I''m being nice and clear to them. And you're right when you say it's so important to treat each other as humans... Beyond that, admitting I'm wrong on some subjects is so hard for me... but learning to face it and accept it can only make us grow further as human being. Thank you again for your wisdom Cathy.

[@PatMcFadyenGrowingGradeByGrade]

Cathy, with all of the pain and trauma we're going through now, pausing to admit wrong and make amends is EXACTLY the lesson we need. Thank you!

[@2003marauder]

This was my Ted Talk for today.

[@insomniaczombie8942]

Get a friend?! If only they knew how much friends and supporting fans you have!

[@merindymorgenson3184]

I’m proud of you for taking the texts to heart instead off the getting defensive and mending fences instead of tearing the relationship further apart. I tend to first get angry and lash out when given criticism, especially if it’s not leveled in a constructive manner. My mother always taught me to take criticism, look at it carefully, glean whatever can make me a better person, and let the rest roll off like water from a duck’s back. I have a long way to go yet, but I’ve gained some good friends through interactions that originally started out confrontational. One of those is no longer with us, but I’m glad we had the chance to come to terms before he died, because I think it would have always haunted me thereafter. That said, I don’t believe in taking on criticism that is unjustified. I did that for too many years and it tore my self esteem apart. I put my foot down and won’t let people push me down to make themselves feel better. I will admit where I’m wrong, but I’m not taking responsibility for other people’s misbehavior either.

[@PINKTOES5150]

Once anyone who goes to the extent of an attack because of a simple request , is beyond repair of simple human compassion . At times I have been chastised, attacked verbally, for asking for a simple request. To be humble is one thing , to be ignored for a simple request is another . I have to take a deep breath and examine my actions as well . We are all a work in progress . Live and learn good or bad .

[@annab.5052]

Excellent video and timely topic! I was watching a financial video about the current economic downturn here in the US and the economist said "The coronavirus is not the real problem here, the real epidemic in the US is narcissistic behavior. Too many think that "You are always wrong because I am always right. Everything you ask me to do (wear a mask and keep a social distance) is an infringement on what I want to do (go shopping, eat out, and hug prople) and that is bad! I am the smart, loving, good person in the room, you are something so opposite of me that you are scary and pathetic! I don't want to do it so I don't have to do it so stop telling me what to do!" I think if we can all recognize the narcissist in ourselves and realize what childish behavior (a rejection of adult responsible behavior) it is, maybe we can all come together and figure out a solution that benefits us all. Good luck to all of us!

[@maryblaylock6545]

It is unfortunate but true. I sincerely hope that all of us can look at ourselves honestly and have the inner strength to correct our behaviors. The sooner the better! I try to remember that I am a work in progress and try harder tomorrow. Blessings on you and your family and friends. 🕊🙏🖖😷

[@MossyMozart]

@kshiftkometh - I would like to know about the "mask studies" that you site. And you did use the plural. Although I find mask deniers to be pig-headed, mean-spirited, and grossly ill-informed, I have neither read not heard anything about them being "psychopathic, they like the idea of killing people and getting away with it". Please don't write such a thing unless you can back it up. Do so now. You make a good point about iphones being made by enslave, or nearly so, labor.

[@MarkandMarie]

A+ adult-ing is recognizing you are part of the problem, A++ adult-ing is proactively trying to not be anymore, in any way you're capable. I'd like to reiterate again that I am truly grateful to know of you as a human being. Thank you for all the things large and small you remind me to do.

[@forced2makethisbloodyaccou355]

"Because you're good enough, you're smart enough, and gosh darn it... people like me." ~Stuart Smallie

[@grumblekin22]

You're very brave to admit your shortcomings in this uncomfortable situation. I think you're setting the example your neighbours need. As for being weird, thank god you are!! Without your particular brand of Weird, the world would have been a much more boring place than it is. You're my favourite Weird and it's the kind of weird the world needs more of. You're a lovely soul and I'm thankful for your willingness to share and be vulnerable with us, the Internet. We love you!

[@hopenield8234]

I loved that I had no idea race was part of the mix in this story until the end... and even then I had to check the links to be sure. Because as a story of interpersonal conflict to me it shows where the work for peace and change really start - one on one with honest discussion and the humility to not just defend an original position. And that takes work on both sides. To my mind the worst acts in history have come from people who are certain that their previous victimisation means that they can do no wrong. We’re human so all of us, even those who have been abused, make mistakes. But being human we do find it hard to admit it, so thank goodness for role models like Cathy Hay that can show us that humility doesn’t have to be the same as humiliation.

[@leetzannaroyalla9068]

Being humble and admitting your mistakes is all good, however you must also realize that not all people are as fine as your neighbors. There are some that will continue to be horrid no matter what. That was a hard lesson for me to learn as I am an optimist and think the best of people. I now avoid interaction with the nasty folk as much as I can, once I learn that they are that way. It seems to work for me.I absolutely love you and hope you will continue to share your thoughts and dreams with us.

[@peggydolane6775]

You are fortunate to have a neighbor who was willing to hear you out and work to build a relationship.

[@ximena15367]

I was bullied for being "weird" in school, it was not to scale as yours but to me it felt that way. The everyday of bullying cause me to have depression/ anxiety and I admit that I need help and I am getting better. I don't know if anyone can understand me. If you are weird, your different, unique, beautiful, and your one of a kind. Don't change because they say so do your own thing.

[@jerrychoi6247]

No need too be hard on yourself, many of the human species have made many a faux pas of sarcasm, a jest, a tease, a dig, in humor, a joke that had blown up spectacularly. I cannot count the number of times in a group setting that someone said something 'in the wrong way' and then the fireworks started flying. It is commendable that you capable of being self-aware to ask if you may had some culpability in escalating the situation, thinking it through and from objective examination that you can admit to a fault and own up to it. Then be an adult and correct the way forward. It is good to see that you and your neighbor can rise above the awkward moment and can neighborly speak to each other to work out any annoyances as neighbors and adults. This is deeply philosophical; humility is deeply touched and written in both Eastern Philosophical traditions and Western Philosophical traditions. There is an Alain be Botton presentation or two here on youtube about the topic. Along with humility, in my opinion it helps to have the ability to acknowledge other view points exist and having the ability to admit just not knowing or not having the answers..........in a Judy Collins "philosophical" kind of way :) ........kzbin.info/www/bejne/i5uzoIqmoKeto68

[@rosalienmander9357]

Also, thank god that you're "weird", this is honestly such a genuine warm cup of tea of a channel, it makes me rethink my general youtube diet and subscriptions everytime :)

[@HJKelley47]

At this time I am reading on the subject of Humility, so your video is on point.. The truth that we, as humankind, all have things to work on. It is so sad when we consider that it is all another person's fault, and never stop to ask ourselves the question "what part do I play in this situation?" We are living in a generation where blaming others is easier than looking at our own flaws. Something fruitful came out of this experience for you Cathy, as well as for your neighbor. May that mutual humility speak to others in order to build community. This world, we now live in, desperately needs it.

[@belindacoba5158]

I'm really glad that you decided to med things between you and your neighbors. We all are in many ways dealing with this type of situations... I realized a few months ago that I couldn't change the people around me, only myself so I decided to move out and now I'm living with more calm but I still reacting in a bad way when I have to interact with my family again ...So I'm working on it... Is difficult to not fall into your old ways of behaving....But is doable...

[@kirinocreates8444]

There are so many things happening right now, both in the world and in my much smaller sphere of life. Good things, bad things and all things in between. I have struggled to be present for quite some time, it has been my defense, but also caused me pain for missing out on some wonderful moments. You have helped me to take a few steps into the present, and I now find pockets of time where I let myself experience emotions. For this I am eternally grateful. I hope you read this and know that by sharing your journey, your struggles, imperfections and discoveries, you have truly touched my soul and bettered my life. Thank you.

[@kiragarvie]

My mother always told us when we were fighting (I am one of five!) that it is never 100% one persons fault, even if it is 1% the other person. It is really hard to look at that! Thank you so much for having the courage to share this with us, it is so inspiring and encouraging for all of us. I absolutely love your videos and what you share with us, and also now I finally have someone to write letters to! :)

[@cheryllgates181]

Your courage in retelling your story was like watching an act of Grace! I’ve watched you on & off over the last year and I can tell you it’s your sensitivity that is helping us all to be better, make deeper choices & create change in a challenging world. Many thanks for being yourself and allowing us to be shown a better way. Friends? You have so many, you just haven’t met us all yet. As you said in another vlog lots of us are HSP and also scattered across the planet. Love from Australia.

[@jennifercourtemanche9793]

Your experience led me to thinking about some older (and not so older) issues that I've had with people. I wondered about you not going to the door. You had one reason but what struck me was the strength of both your reaction and response to the WRITTEN statement of your neighbor. It afforded you a distance to react and to hold off your response until you were through the reaction. I didn't even realize how much I needed to hear this. This is something I think I need to utilize. Thank you for being strong enough to put this out there. It does and will continue to matter.

[@jacquelinelc2843]

I so appreciate your company Cathy. I have had to admit lately I am becoming less patient with the normal frustrations life brings my way. I am becoming someone I don’t want to become...that conscious acknowledgement is allowing an inner voice to speak up when I feel a nasty comment or sarcastic remark trying to escape. I am, and will forever be, a work in progress...here’s to being kinder...

[@emilytritle3603]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Bullying is never ok no matter who you are. I have been bullied and made fun of before and it hurts. Making amends/forgivness is hard but worth it in the end.

[@shenenigans2037]

Thank you for this. I see several things I'm going to take out of this, one of which being that it's okay to metaphorically scream into a pillow for a bit, as long as you shape up and do what must be done soon afterward. I have a hard time giving myself any allowance of energy spent "unproductively" without feeling guilty, so the reminder that shrieking into the void is not entirely useless was definitely needed. I'm taking several other things out of it, too, but that was not one I expected, and I did need to hear it.

[@pierregirard1970]

One of the problems with being over-sensivity is a kind of narcissism, I know I had been there, and I learned it the hard way. The World does not revolve around us, even if we want peace. We live in society.☺️

[@estherhadassa1061]

Life sure isn't easy, it's not easy when you feel cornered somehow and (maybe especially when you're an introvert, not very assertive either) what comes out is not what you mean to say or wished came out. Communication in the heat of the moment facing verbal aggression ..... with our own past experiences messing things up. I recognize so much here, so very much ..... 😨😢 And I applaud you for the way you handled it in the end, that took courage! Way back when as a child of 8 to 10 years old I was badly bullied for who I was as a Christian, been beaten and kicked ... had my 'fair' share of bruises. Having half-brothers and half-sisters telling me I shouldn't have been born, that it would be better if I were dead. This being just the tip of the iceberg it left me with some bad coping mechanisms ... it's a struggle.

[@KorgiMoonCosplay]

This is a touching reminder and lesson that we all have our perceptions. It’s important to be understanding. Thank you for this message.

[@CinnamonToast]

Oh Cathy, I know I don't know you personally, but you seem like such a sweet and strong person and I'm sorry this happened. Leave it to you to create a life lesson out of it, though. Thank you for sharing this :)

[@dixieh5555]

Total admiration for your maturity in being able to say I could be at fault too but please keep the noise down. Meeting people half way . Way to go! Maybe you'll get invited to one of their parties.

[@nancypalmer6729]

How lovely and genuine. Thanks so much for sharing. Your channel is new to me, but you seem very much like someone I should know. I’m discovering that staring closely at myself and acknowledging those flaws is, as Shakespeare says, “a birth which throes me much to yield.” What keeps me going is the certain knowledge of pain I’ve unthinkingly given others ... it’s only fair that I take on some of that pain or discomfort myself. Wishing you health and continued growth, and peace in plenty for your soul.

[@Rozewolf]

Thank you Cathy for a beautiful start to my morning. You are spot on as usual. I lived in a small Suffolk village for ten years, and learned that lovely 'art' of subtlety. Today I will be attending the school of youtube watching videos, and later on requesting books from my local library. We do need to work on ourselves. Thank you once more.

[@Jojo12336]

Being a caretaker for my mom for the last 6 years has been so difficult and trying. Just when I graduate college my mom becomes hurt and *more* disabled than she was my whole life and I still haven't moved out yet. It took me a painstaking 5 years and some months to remember that I might feel like a victim of my life, but my mom is also a victim of her own disability and that my anger towards it all I was subliminally throwing at her. I felt terrible and have become more compassionate and do my best to remember that when I'm angry with where life has ended up. It's a monstrous task to realize your pride was in the way.

[@salmashalaby528]

This is probably the simplest yet most powerful (and closest to home) way The Message has been articulated these days ♥️

[@jennybrockartist]

Sorry that happened to you :( Noisy neighbours are awful because you feel so nervous to say anything in case they react badly, even though you are well within your right to say something. Similar stuff has happened to me; I've had verbal abuse, beer cans thrown at me etc. when I've complained about noise at 1am, for example. Glad this situation turned out OK.

[@Nzie]

I honestly think one of the biggest moments for growth for me was when my mom told me I didn't take criticism well and I really bristled at it--thus proving the point. I am grateful I was able to notice that and take the lesson... not that it's easy, but that it has made me more likely to take a step back and look at my own actions and how they might be understood. Of course, having lived in NYC the last few years, your video reminds me also of different cultural contexts; while I doubt neighbors would've enjoyed getting scolded, it just wouldn't be that unusual here (although I think direct resolution is better, and imagine most people here would agree it's preferable).

[@pivotgurl]

I can relate strongly to this. I play online games and the chat features on them can be rather awful, most of the time I ignore the chat feature and just play the game. However, in the last year I had made a few good friends on the game, so when I saw the most commonly rude people bashing one of my friends; they were calling her fat, a drug addict, and several even more vulgar things I prefer not to repeat; I snapped back at them. At first I simply told them that they were being disgusting and to keep their comments to themselves, this prompted them to make rude comments about me, and after that I got angry and said a number of crude things back at them. I don't believe they are capable of feeling remorse for the things they said, as I've witnessed them bully multiple other players for over a year, and they have never apologized to any of their victims. But I expected better of myself. It was very satisfying to say cruel things to them in the moment, but when I had cooled down, I realized that I had behaved as poorly as they do, and I was ashamed of myself.

[@chloe5065]

Cathy getting angry and throwing a fit because she knows she's gonna need to apologize too is extremely relatable.

[@zainylainy1]

Humility is a beautiful thing. Only a shade off from love. Thank you for your reminder and your humble story.

[@the-shadowed-gallery]

Thank you for sharing this, Cathy, and for always being a beacon of self-improvement, both interpersonally and creatively.

[@LedgerAndLace]

WOW, Cathy. This was not what I thought it was going to be about. Having the capacity for this kind of self-reflection is a good exercise for us all. As for being "weird," geniuses always are until the mainstream catches up. ;-)

[@ashleejones1690]

Boy oh boy, did I need to hear this today.... Let me begin by saying how much I appreciate how you share the tough stuff with us, dear Cathy. It's somehow easier to really listen when you talk because you're very deliberate when you hit us with the hard ones, making it feel like a conversation rather than an attack (which is an issue I often have when asked to look at myself by some). Thank you so very much-- you are a gem.

[@skatergalchar]

There’s something about this truly wholehearted, real conversation coupled with that waistcoat that just made me melt. Thank you for this opportunity to reflect.

[@tiffanylikestodance4452]

Cathy, you are such a beautiful and kind human being. The fact that you are sharing this is just another example of that. You may have made a mistake in the way you expressed your discontent, but there is no shame in correcting yourself. It shows such maturity and compassion in how you handled their response. All this to say: thank you for sharing, and showing that we all make mistakes and can continue to learn and grow, but also to say that I hope you give yourself some grace and recognize this kindness in yourself. Do not even regret the mistake because it caused learning to occur and it opened up this dialogue. TL; DR: you’re amazing and don’t feel too bad 💕

[@14eilonwy]

I'm an American theatrical costumer (grew up in upstate New York), and am very familiar with English cultural norms due to my social circles and my areas of cultural interest. As a shy quiet sensitive person in an often very loud and very direct culture, I had a time growing up and dove into all things British and thought you all were the epitome. Until I visited as a teenager (in the 80's), and I saw how much of that reticence to address any problems directly led to it leaking out in very unfriendly ways, like sideways looks, stares, pregnant silences, sarcasm, and things that generally come off to your average American as snobbery. However, I am very heartened to see that, at least on youtube and in popular culture, this is being addressed, and many seem to have come round to being more direct and honest and willing to have difficult conversations. Particularly now, it is heartening to see people in the UK holding black lives matter marches and beginning to address racism and the legacy of colonialism. The future looks hopeful, thanks to you, and people like you, and those difficult conversations will only get easier. Thanks for making your channel a place to learn about more than clothes, a place to learn about eachother.

[@susanmazzanti5643]

The desire to be right is deeply ingrained in us and it is had to do what you did in the end. Mostly now that I've gotten closer to the end of my life, I try to bite back the harsher words and work toward a peaceful exchange to begin with. I am far from perfect but I have improved. A good part of the improvement comes from having younger neighbors from a very different background and I want to be friends. I love having children around me and that is best obtained by looking for the error of my ways before it goes very far. I would have been far less understanding at your age.

[@HesterViool]

It takes a lot of courage to admit your wrongs. We don't often get to see someone own up to it, both in media and in real lief. For me, this message came at exactly the right time. Thank you for sharing this story!

[@sid32965]

Miss Cathy, The neighbor mustn't realize just how many friends you actually have from all over the world. Sure, we may not be able to meet up for tea, but you can be sure that we are here for you and to learn from you. I believe Bernadette said it best..."Ma'am, thank you for existing." Your friend from across the pond, Susan