When your narcissistic parent comments on your parenting

[@davidhinkson8856]

Narcissistic parents try to buy their grandchildren's affections by lavishing them with expensive gifts in their efforts to make the mom and dad look bad, especially if they know the parents are struggling financially. They also criticise parenting efforts at every turn even though they themselves were useless.

[@ambercasley8080]

Like a horse you think?!? The horse goes back if your grades are bad....child drops out as a sophomore, and they refuse to sell the horse....then she stops seeing the horse and they end up doing the chores....then they sell the horse because it's too much work and nobody helps muck stalls or feed and ride horse? Lol, is that a good example?

[@Jane-gt6ef]

My in-laws do this to divide their children. Since they cannot get to them directly, they hurt them through grandchildren. They buy expensive gifts to the grandchildren of one daughter, but they ignore children of the son. Wicked. Once my brother-in-law complained that his parents praise only MY children, while criticize his. I told him that to me they do just the opposite 😁 He was also the one who caught his mother beating my four years old and told me about it. He said that if he were me, he wouldn't let his mom look after my kid. First I thought that jealousy speaks through him, but then it made perfect sense to me. I listened to him, and he listened to me. Unfortunately, he died years ago, and his wife seems being a narc, too.

[@FORBOBLAND]

Thats my mom for you

[@djmsgmdroid]

This is my dad. I told him my son was too young to have an iPad and he got him one anyway, undermining my parenting, which has always been his mo.

[@nicolii7321]

And on top of that my narc mother in law tried touching my kids inappropriately in hope she was creating a stronger bond against me. She would stop at nothing. In the end i got a psychologist involved to stop my husband taking my kids there. And yes, she just wouldnt stop telling my children what an awful mother i was. she really was fucked up. she thought she could take my kids away. she didnt and then had a meltdown when she realised this and then attacked my mum. oh, the joys of having narcs in our lives.

[@jessicasquier347]

I’m the scapegoat in the family and I’m pregnant for the first time. I cut my physically and mentally abusive mother off to protect my little baby (and me) from her. These have truly been the best 5 months of my life. Anyone in the same position and feeling guilty for not wanting her around - have a break and see how you feel. It’s been life changing for me. Sending everyone love x

[@marmadukescarlet7791]

My daughter is now 31. I moved 600km away from my family when I was 22. Best move I ever made. I did have a bit of contact over the years but, interestingly, she never dared criticise my parenting methods-not that it would have budged me from my path. I was very self aware and knew I wanted my daughter to know who she is and know she’s loved for that alone. No performances to keep mummy happy! She turned out amazingly well and is living a wonderful life. And, yes! You’re going to do an amazing job too. All the best in the world for you and your little one! 🐣❤️

[@judinolan221]

Good for you! I was the scapegoat and she passed the same favor onto my son. I had no ideal what a narcisisst was then and he is having to go through the same healing with me!!!

[@judinolan221]

Good for you! I was the scapegoat and she passed the same favor onto my son. I had no ideal what a narcisisst was then and he is having to go through the same healing with me!!!

[@SULTRYVAMPS]

I'm the scapegoat too! When i told my mom i was pregnant she said " I'm so glad you are finally going to get everything you deserve! You were such a bad seed." 😒😑 proceeds to tell me all about how much she still hates me, and how excited she is that I'm finally going to suffer. I hardly ever see or speak to her anymore. The in-laws are horrible too. They are newly retired boundary pushers who try to force visitation (and unsolicited advice) biweekly. Always bringing huge bags of old family hand me downs even though we're constantly trying to make space in our house. We don't want to be the keeper of their hoarding. Mil is one of the worst people I've ever met. And that's saying a lot considering that my mother is a malignant narcissist who physically, mentally, verbally, and emotionally abused me daily! That is untill i escaped one day and never looked back.

[@jessicasquier347]

Marmaduke Scarlet That’s credit to you! Fantastic. Thank you for the support ♥️

[@AR-ed4pj]

I thought I cracked the code when I took my mother to Disneyland with my two children, aged 10 and 7 at the time. I realized as long as I treated my mother like the youngest child, like a three year old, she was happy. We rested when she wanted to rest, got food when she was hungry, got ice cream when she wanted a treat. I literally talked to her like a three year old - how are you doing honey do you need a break? in a sing songy voice. My children were far more mature than she was. I took care of everyone, and foresaw every hiccup. This was the best weekend I spent with her. I now have no contact because perennially taking care of a three year old who never matures is exhausting.

[@NurseJones0626]

& I bet behind your back she told everyone how horrible of a time she had 😅

[@liorcohen2800]

brilliant :) but yes, I'm happy with my child, don't need a 70 year old toddler.

[@genevalawrence801]

One of the healthiest decisions I made when my children were young was to live 5 days' drive from my mother.

[@GUAYABa798]

She gave my kids to the state of Pensilvania because the bitch sorry don’t like me always full of lies u will never understand thank u for ur videos it got me back to reality it still hurts but she my mother in-law is toxic

[@charity6372]

Brilliant 😎

[@victoriafedorisin3572]

@@GUAYABa798 1

[@joseenoel8093]

Mine's a 2-day drive 🚗, that works too!

[@tasiawilliams3705]

She got up and stormed out of the room when I spanked my daughter. She used to BEAT me.

[@misse2013]

OMG my mom told me I was being too strict one day, then told me I was not being strict enough the next day. She told me my 7yr old daughter's play room was "depressing" because her toys were all over the place... um that's because she's been PLAYING with her toys! Thank gosh I don't talk to her anymore! I remember being 12yrs old and I secretly checked out a parenting book from the library because I knew I didn't want to be like my mom one day. That's sad.

[@irishcountrygirl78]

I always smile when l see someone has broken away from a toxic mother, glad you are away from her.

[@venusrising6554]

@Elissa Griffin Davis- Sad for your childhood. But BRILLIANT for a 12 year old child to show such maturity & good judgement ! You should be proud of yourself & congratulated for essentially saving yourself & probably your own children. As a child, my best teachers & guides were TV shows like Andy Griffith. A situation comedy about a widower raising his son in a small town. Many of the shows centered around his son Opie & his "growing up" lessons. They were kind, fair, wise & wholesome. I am a Narcissist survivor. Those show's lessons were my best teachers.

[@dougarnold7955]

Wow! I hear you!

[@blowitoutyourcunt7675]

Good to know I wasn't the only 12 year old checking out parenting books at the library, to figure out what the hell was wrong with my family life. Inevitably I slid over into psychology to understand what was going wrong and at 14 had diagnosed my mother as a "narcissist."

[@reenieager4243]

My ex's mother was the same. Always undermining the children to me. Sadly l recognised narcessist in her and then my ex but too late in my mother and brother and sadly my father who ld believed was on my side. My children have become like them They have cut me out and are still nasty but now l'm free and healing. Wishing you well and happy days and years ahead.

[@80islandia]

“It can be exhausting to keep policing boundaries.” Wow. I’m not even a parent and this hit home hard for me.

[@mary2594]

So true!!

[@mary2594]

My mom is 82 and STILL deflects. I am much more peaceful staying away from her toxicity.

[@EphemeralProductions]

Yep. It’s hard for me also and i don’t have kids and (honestly probably never will either!)

[@pettylabelle7944]

I know right? I’ve never heard it put so well! Sometimes when we don’t fight back it’s not because we’re weak, it’s because we only have so much energy.

[@irishcountrygirl78]

@@mary2594 and people demonise the children who don't visit these old witches in nursing homes, more education is needed. It's painful listening to nurse/carers smear children who stay away, without knowing the reason why.

[@Kccarez]

“Every woman who heals herself, heals her children’s children.” Liezel Graham This quote changed my life. Like most of us, our feelings and pain has never mattered much to our narcissistic parent- so we learned to ignore them. BUT, looking through the lens of a mother- the mama bear came out and I was READY. Ready to set boundaries and keep them. Ready to put my personal needs before my narc mom’s. Ready to say yes to my family, even when it meant “no” to my mother. I was ready to heal. After 8 months of EMDR and hours of listening Dr Ramni, I feel free and whole and like a bonafide human being. ❤️

[@dragonfaeblue6195]

Hmmmm. When he was a baby she told me I was spoiling him because I held him too much and should not have breast fed him...My mother did everything she could to drive a wedge between my son and I. As he grew up She would say things like “let’s not make mommy mad” insinuating that I had a violent temper (I don’t) .... then when I was facing a “simple” hernia surgery, she told him that I had cancer and was going to die... and that he wasn’t to “disturb me” she had my child afraid to come near me... she is no longer in our lives and he is 18 now and We are very close. He is an amazingly bright and brilliant young man.

[@80islandia]

Oh no. As horrible as the cancer comment is, I was particularly struck by the “let’s not make mommy mad” comment because it is such subtle, sinister brainwashing.

[@dragonfaeblue6195]

Thank you. I agree. If I got upset about her saying such things, she used it as confirmation that I had a “horrible temper”. The lies she has told about me my entire life would over flow mount Vesuvius. It took me waking up and walking away to realize that she also did this to my dad and to my step father in slightly different ways. She is evil beyond measure and I say this with confidence because there was a time when she actually admitted that she enjoys being this way and has no desire to change (I had been begging her to get counseling )

[@dragonfaeblue6195]

I haven’t spoken to her in 3 years and have not seen her in 5. My son, her only grandchild wants nothing to do with her, by his own choice. She still lies about us and milks the pity from people who don’t know better but our lives are so much happier and more peaceful now than ever. She has driven away all but one of her family members. And that sister is just as much of a narcissist as she is. It was a painful and difficult decision to make... but it was also the very best one and once we got away and began to heal, there are no regrets. She lives over 1000 miles away and once I got Her out of my house (yeah she lived in my house and paid nothing until I got her to go south to visit family ) I put the house up for sale and moved us 100 miles further inland to an area she isn’t familiar with. She was left with the option of staying in the south or coming back north and having to take care of herself. She stayed south (where the last few people she could manipulate are)

[@ashleythibault5434]

My ex-husband's mother did that to me, because his first born didn't like it. Which they never told him about what kind of effort goes into having a baby home. 🤨

[@lauragoodman7296]

Yes! My mother told me I held my newborn too much!

[@tracydanneo]

It’s so easy for predatory narcs to get at you when you’re vulnerable-such as when you have a newborn. It’s impossible to police boundaries when you’re already exhausted.

[@RSMcri]

agree. It took me one year after giving birth to have enought energy to set boundaries with my narc mother-in-law. My son is 21 months old and now she can see him only once per month and always in presence with me and my husband.

[@tracydanneo]

@@RSMcri good for you.

[@sarwall_]

This 🙌🏼 I was a first time mom last year and my MIL steamrolled over me and I felt like I was stuck standing there helpless and unable to speak. That + post partum on top is a living hell

[@tracydanneo]

@@sarwall_wow, that’s so much to deal with. ❤️

[@Sarah-mi2rv]

So true. I just had a slip of boundaries with my narcissistic grandma because I'm emotionally exhausted from going through a divorce and having an actively alcoholic parent. She kept poking at me, and I didn't have the reserves of self-restraint to not defend myself. It was bad. But at the same time, it finally was enough that I'm ready to go no contact now.

[@Labroidesdimidiatus]

I’ve been struggling with this issue and allowed my mother to remain in contact with my kids out of guilt. The moment of clarity came when I found out she was triangulating my four year old when I wasn’t around and undermining my parenting efforts. Never again.

[@aussieness]

Hi Katie, just watching this video & saw your comment. I know it was 2yrs ago but it resonates with me. Were you able to stop your mother whispering to your child? How are things now? I'm guessing your child is 6 or 7 now & going to school. Did your mother get worse when your child went to school? I ask because my mother started whispering to my child after I had a talk with her 3 times to stop what she was saying to my daughter. So then she started whispering to her whenever I walked out of the room. I hope you see this comment & can answer😊

[@clairewillow6475]

@@aussieness I hope you go no contact!

[@laurashible1324]

My mother's narcissistic rage came in full display when I casually said "My husband is my best friend". "What about ME?!"- she yelled. "I guess I am not your priority anymore". I told her that she was correct. My children ARE my priority. Later that day, he told my oldest son: "As if anyone cares about you and your opinion". I saw red. I have gone no contact with her ever since. She has tried to poison family and friends against me, and even called my oldest to tell him she "was dying of COVID", when in reality, she only had a mild case. It took me years and a lot of therapy to realize her ways. Protect yourself and your family before they destroy you.

[@jessicathespy]

This is my mil, her rage that I said my husband and I were soulmates once. Or the first time she met my mother and took my now husband aside and told him she was dying of cancer. I once split our first babies milk on the floor, she screamed for 2 hours.

[@Sarah-mi2rv]

Good for you Laura, doing what you had to do.

[@kellypawspa]

LOL remember MySpace? When I filled in the space for who my hero was at the time, I put the guy that threw his shoes at President Bush. Idk his name, but that guy is totally my hero. Anyway, my mom got unreasonably mad that I didn't put her down as my hero and I got the EXACT same hissy fit. 🤪

[@dcsnowlover]

My narcissistic mother saw my kids as an opportunity to complete her “perfect” family photo - seated in a stately chair with her grandchildren at her feet, looking at her adoringly. I’d hoped she’d be able to enjoy them for the beautiful creatures they are, but 20 years in, all she really cares about is how they contribute to the story she fabricates for the outside world. Thankfully, my husband and I recognized this early on and, while we didn’t keep our kids from her, we kept it on our terms and talked to our kids about her behavior from a young age. Despite everything, they love her and have created their own relationships with her, fully recognizing her limitations. Thankfully, their other grandma is completely accepting and loving, as are most of our other extended family members, so they’ve not been harmed by my mother’s behavior. They see it - and feel sorry for her - but don’t allow themselves to be adversely affected by her.

[@thintwin48]

Applauding you audibly at this very moment....major 'Bravo' on you and your spouse.

[@dcsnowlover]

Donna thank you! It’s nice to know I had the power to at least protect my kids, even if I’m still dealing with some of the damage she inflicted on me.

[@jessicathespy]

This exactly though my children are still young

[@dcsnowlover]

jessicathespy one thing that seemed to work well was NOT badmouthing my mom to my kids and letting them choose whether to spend time with her or not. That put the responsibility on her to create the relationships and, while my kids are relatively friendly to her, I think she’s realizing now that she could have tried harder. They’re polite, but they keep her at arm’s length.

[@macollins1234]

@@dcsnowlover You can keep it coming with the tips! You sound like you have a lot of wisdom :)

[@DB-dd2gk]

My mother shamed us because my wife and I chose to breastfeed our children. She made a snide remark saying someone she knew said breastfeeding was “sexual”. She would always triangulate information to others. We limit the use of electronic devices with our kids. She would come over and show pictures to our daughter on our phone but before doing so make it a point to sarcastically ask us if she could. If she forgot to ask she would do it then say “oh im not suppost to do that”. She would tell others that are kids are not allowed to use electronics instead of the truth that we limit their exposure. It got to the point that her smear campaigns, triangulation/lies and manipulation among other narcissistic traits resulted in “no contact” with myself, wife, and children. Im not letting allowing my children to be preyed upon by my narcissistic mother, Game Over !

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Great job.....”fiercely protect your children’s’ mental health “, Narcissistic Survivor

[@insights3140]

Yes! Protecting our children is often the catalyst to stop trying with the narcissist.

[@LifeAcademy-artofliving]

I hear you! I am so glad we have no contact as being a new parent is already stressful enough! My MIL was also obsessed with breastfeeding and getting me to quit because it would “ruin my body “.... and did she mention our baby was looking rather malnourished? Man she made me so highly anxious all the time, even though I was actually quite relaxed! Good on you for shutting that door.

[@sarahrobertson634]

Your wife chose to breast feed the children. You do not share a body with your wife. You may have participated in her decision, but ultimately it was her decision. Your phrasing is just weird. You and your wife are separate entities, my dude.

[@DB-dd2gk]

@@sarahrobertson634 We are are married so therefore we make decisions as a couple involving our children. Yes it is her body so her decision to breastfeed came first, then I agreed therefore “we chose”.

[@thintwin48]

Narcissist Mom...wanted to 'witness' the birth of my third child...after berating me for even 'thinking' of bringing a third child into the world with our 'paltry income'....THEN...when we moved to Tunisia for the international position of my spouse...she INSISTED UPON visiting us there...although I told her implicitly not to come 'this time' as I was trying to recover from a severe eating disorder (anorexia). Result? She got shots for Northern Africa...booked her flight....and came ANYWAY. Crying inside...but 'welcomed' her as best I could...but NOT without the unappreciated comment of '"You look 'Bouffy' lately since you've been doing this eating disorder recovery 'thing'. No words. Inward chipping away at the soul that has taken me decades to process. God love you Dr. Ramani for un-earthing this type of pernicious narcissism. You 'rock' in my personal world...and in the world of so, so many here.

[@jeanette5524]

Good on you with your healing. That takes such strength, especially whilst dealing with what you're dealing with.

[@mlebrooks]

I would have thought north Africa would be far enough distance... Guess she proved me wrong

[@Sarah-mi2rv]

Sending you lots of love, Donna. The boundary bulldozing and chipping away is so exhausting.

[@djbee8888]

My narc parent used to say I was too affectionate with my kids. All I did was hug and kiss them. Tell I love them. It was hurtful to hear but she wasn't affectionate at all so now I understand.

[@anneabbott1868]

Mine calls it codependent. Im 55 and still struggling out of the sabotage and mind control. I told her it was Love. In case she didnt know. I cut off access to my youngest children. But im paying for that right now. Its all done hidden where others cant see. You get smarter as you get betrayed and blindsided. My health is so broken. This is the last stand. Enough is enough. Thank you all for being here.

[@FORBOBLAND]

@@anneabbott1868 this is me yet im 30 had 2kids 1 that passed which she said was going to pergatory if i didnt baptise him. Sje saw him 3 times and both of our lives were on the line. It hurts sooo bad cause i was adopted into it. Never met my bio mother yet heard shes a piece of work. My health and all along with single parent and no transportation?. Its too much

[@anneabbott1868]

@@FORBOBLAND i know what you are in and im so sorry. Im so sorry for the loss of your child. I cant imagine how you handle that while all of the other suffering. Sending you thoughts of support and hope to be free from it all🌸🌿

[@djbee8888]

@@anneabbott1868 I will pray you Anne, it's not easy at all to get right after all the mental warfare. You need all the love you can get and I promise you will get thru it and your kids will appreciate what you've done❤️❤️❤️

[@djbee8888]

@@FORBOBLAND you got this, you are stronger than you even can fathom, it's learned behavior, you now have to learn to love yourself again and it's hard to at first but you are going to do it watch❤️❤️ I'll keep you in my thoughts❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@susanlee4085]

Many years ago, my mom said “shame on you!” to my daughter who was 4 years old at the time. I asked her never to say that to my kids because it causes kids to feel shame and that’s damaging to their emotional health. My mom looked at me and very defensively said “I said it to you and you turned out fine!” to which I responded “I am not fine. And if you continue to shame my kids, you will no longer be seeing them.” She got mad, of course...but she never said that again because she knew I meant it.

[@archywiseman]

This is why I am glad my dad died before we adopted my daughter. The same goes for my aunt, his sister. They rested. We found peace.

[@glyncoco4407]

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for a year, it finally happened and we are thrilled. The first thing she told me was "it's going to have disabilities, since it runs in your husbands family" (not true, we did genetic counseling) then followed it with "I did not want to be a grandmother until you were 35". I'm 28 with endometriosis, I don't have until I'm 35 to get pregnant, I'm lucky it happened at all. Thank you for these videos, started therapy and and am starting to heal ❤.

[@CheleBadoo]

Congrats on your pregnancy! Best to you and your new family.

[@80islandia]

Ugh, the “know it all” certainty about disabilities really made me angry on your behalf when I read this. It really sucks when our parents/in-laws think they know the future and are dreaming about the “I told you so” moment that will give them power. I’m sorry this happened to you.

[@glyncoco4407]

@@karenvater1223 Yes, I'm trying to figure out how to navigate our relationship, at this time we are not speaking because she crossed some boundaries I put up. For some reason, I continue to be amazed other people go through this too, it feels so isolating, but it's helpful to know I'm not alone. Thank you for your advice.

[@glyncoco4407]

@@80islandia the funny part is, I work with differently abled children, and love and care for them so much, the fact that she thinks I would some how love my own child less, or they would be defective blew my mind, but that's my fault. You don't go to Home Depot for groceries, and you don't go to my mother for validation. 😂

[@80islandia]

@Glyn Coco That’s a really good point that illuminates the difference in character between the two of you. Congratulations and I wish you the very best :)

[@icantdecidemyusernam]

I am the multigeneration cycle breaker. It’s a battle. Thank you for your channel!

[@ellieramseyer2291]

Strong boundaries is the only way to keep narcissistic family members at bay - do this early on or they will try to walk all over you -

[@momof489]

I have a friend who calls me the “chain-breaker.” That’s so important - to break the inter-generational cycle. And although cliche, totally applies here: “evil flourishes because good men do nothing.” For these cycles to repeat, there’s a whole lot of turning a blind eye that goes on!

[@64greene]

By god I tried to be that chain breaker too, I was determined the toxic inter-generational behaviour would not flow into my little family....(I used every tool as our kids grew without cutting off the extended toxic narc family) but it has with one of our children...unfortunately, which proves to me the only way to totally break the chain is to totally discommunicate from them all!!

[@barbaramarshall5271]

This is my mother critical of me, she takes delight in anything I do wrong

[@IndigoBellyDance]

Be kind to yourself. Our narc parents never were So we have to find those who r♥️♥️

[@AppliedMathematician]

True, but that does not make them better, even if they are right in their criticism. None of their behavior has changed and in no way they have become a better human. But they can be quite convincing, that they provided their children with subpar genetic material, how otherwise could you as their child do so much wrong? Or they where too stupid to choose a good mate to have children with, either way they are devaluing them self. I really am not a young man anymore, but I still do not get it, how their brains work.

[@caritaallen8791]

Mine do that too! I don't deal with her AT ALL! No calls etc

[@venusrising6554]

@Barbara Marshall- That simple statement tells you all you need to know. Someone who takes (&shows) delight in your failure is no friend to you. Let alone a parent. Having them in your life will be a painful, negative influence. Limiting that presence would very probably improve your life experiences.

[@dotnb]

Mine too

[@LesleyAnnPrettyBeads]

Had a narc for a mother. There was a lot of scolding, telling off and criticism over minor issues and hugs and cuddles just never happened. I wanted to be the antithesis of my mother so did everything she didn't. When I cuddled my children when my mother was present, she'd bark 'STOP THAT!' swiping me with the back of her hand. I'm now enormously grateful to my narc mother; she taught me everything I needed to know about how not to be a parent. I've enjoyed every moment of being a parent and my children are level headed, well adjusted, happy and kind. Sometimes you have to jump in and go against the grain of what you learned when you grew up. Thanks for posting this, your help and advice is much appreciated. 🙏

[@seekingthemiddleway4048]

Exactly, narcissistic parents show you exactly what never to do.

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Wow you’re strong 🌸🌸

[@sis9099]

Thank you for sharing this. This brought me so much hope. Thank you

[@RSMcri]

love this comment. Thank you for posting it. It helps more then you think

[@doctorbomba5718]

Love the bark part,

[@alyssahill2404]

My mother taught me exactly what NOT to do when raising my kids.. I try to be as validating and consistent as possible.. I have BPD and CPTSD and I’m using my tools and riding the wave as best as I can.. GOOD CHOICES

[@alyssahill2404]

I'm Not In The Narc Harem yes I’m aware lol. I’ve graduated DBT & EMDR and I’m in remedial now. Thanks for your concern though:)

[@kmc1994]

@@alyssahill2404 you’re awesome! I was inspired reading this, thank you 💕

[@badmamjamma]

Many if not all of us have some effect left over from a narc parent. Good for you for doing the work we need to do. You obviously have a lot of self awareness and are doing the work we all need to do, in one way or another 💜🧡💛💙💚❤️

[@Iquey]

YOO YOU CAN DO IT. Rooting for you. Have mercy patience empathy and self reflection!! 💜💛💚💙💗

[@livdriscoll3981]

Thats a tough situation- Great attitude and great job 👏 you can do it ❤️✊🏽

[@ruthl8437]

If my son misbehaved when he was little and I tried to correct him, he would nastily say " I'm going to tell Grandma on you." I used to be so puzzled about his statement. Now after years of being the family scapegoat, I get it!

[@sheilashaver]

I think one of the saddest things about this situation is that they are robbing themselves of just enjoying time with their own grandkids because they feel like they have to do all this other narc activity.

[@beverlyorlando8040]

My codependent toxic mother literally abandoned me. I had my first child by emergency csection. After I got home from the hospital, my mother took 2 weeks vacation from work to come and help me. My first day home, my sister was repeatedly making hurtful comments about how I should cut the baby's fingernails because he had a small scratch on his face, which by the way, happened while in the hospital. I finally spoke up for myself and asked her to stop. My sister got mad and left. My mother was there and belittled/shamed me for upsetting my sister. Then she also left. She was to return a day later to help me but never showed up. No phone call or anything. We lived in the same townhome complex and on occasion I saw her drive right by! I couldn't believe that my own mother would do this to me when I was at my most vulnerable time as a new mother recovering from surgery. Fast forward to 32 yrs later, my mother has never had a close relationship with her grandchildren. She's now 84 yrs old with Parkinson's disease and I struggle with her need for care and my need for boundaries.

[@godzillamanstreb524]

You owe her nothing 🍂

[@Ottermoonoracle]

My narcissistic mother told my sister “ it doesn’t seem like you enjoy your children” 😓😓😳 which is just laughable having grown up with a mother who literally terrorized us our entire childhood

[@godzillamanstreb524]

No Contact 🌺🌺‼️

[@gwenyork4836]

My father also told me years ago, I gave you everything the law said I had to give you. That is true. I got nothing else.

[@lindaannrosas2632]

I have a narcississtic mother, my dad, her husband, is codependent, I was/am the scapegoat in my family, and I married a narc. Dr Ramani is absolutely right in everything she says about the coldness and inconsiderate nature of people who have this disorder.

[@2014moon]

My narc mom told me all I care about is my son 😐 like it’s a bad thing 👌🏾 She hate that I put my son first that I don’t put him in harms way or I don’t put her before my child. She hate how I love him how I take care of him she hate how I carry myself as a mother. It’s always me and my son I don’t cry over a babysitter definitely don’t ask her to watch him for me. I know she don’t care about her own five kids she never raise non of us but expect us to bend over backwards for her why would she treat my son any different. She talk about all of us to each other. Kinda sad but it’s ok I know what she is now. But I never feel safe leaving my son with her she always telling me to beat my son. Always not teach him the right way not talk to him help him understand no she will say beat him. Nah I’m good on my narc mom I’m better without her all up in my life I’ll figure out this mom thing with experience ❤️

[@joseenoel8093]

She's jealous! Her jealousy might be her want for you to do for her but also, she really can't see what the fuss is about... My son had me wrapped around his finger, to a point, how he feared my anger, now he's 22 and finally at college! You're on the right track, thus her confusion. This time with him is fleeting, there's so much danger out there, accept and love him at home!

[@glyncoco4407]

Your amazing parenting brings her guilt she can't deal with because she is a fragile person. Sounds like you're an amazing person and mama 😊

[@nicolesmith7611]

Omg this is my mom. I should of moved out when I first got pregnant. But she was sick and needed help just to function. Now he's almost 4 and definitely picking up on some things.

[@jennabu9883]

Right!? Gah that makes me crazy. Once you have kids: They. Come. First. Because they are children. Like duh. I despise narcs. Our whole society enables them. But yeah. Wishing you all the best mama!

[@marisadaniela6]

You are on the right track making a healthy life for you and your boy. It's amazing that with all the info and good parenting advice available on the internet that some people will always cling to hurting their kids as a way to "teach them a lesson". But then again, it's not usually for lack of info. It's an inability to care for others. Thank GOD you have broken the cycle and given your little boy a chance at a wonderful life with a loving mom. Praying all the best for you two ❤

[@hijodecally]

Yes Dr. already have seen the triangulation, gaslighting and downplaying my authority on what to do and not do with my child. That really hurt and is incredibly frustrating, but I'm done with it, keeping my distance as much as I can.

[@shariferreiro8740]

My parents told my then 14 and 15 year old that I had an abortion when I was in my 20’s. It wasn’t their place to share my personal business but they never were good with boundaries. My children came to me immediately not upset with me, but so confused with why they told them that. My husband was furious. Horrible!!

[@CheleBadoo]

That's a huge boundary violation. Shame on them.

[@80islandia]

Oh my god, that’s horrible! I’m so sorry to hear about that betrayal of confidence. So poisonous for the sake of power.

[@badmamjamma]

@doctorramani don't know if you have a thread moderator

[@godzillamanstreb524]

No Contact ‼️🌺🌺

[@amyeldridge719]

My mother told my adult son I had an abortion too. After telling my brother some years before that. When my son and I had a fight last year he started calling me a baby killer and she was sitting right there on the couch silent. I confronted her and she acted confused. She allowed him to rage at me and said nothing. She finally told me privately when I asked her why she told my son that it was my brother that likely told him. Why'd you tell my brother? Because she thought he would be supportive of me. What?? She betrayed my trust with my biggest shameful secret and acted like it was no big deal. My children resent me and abuse me verbally. They gaslight me and don't accept responsibility for anything they say. I've lost them to this abusive family. I'm so lost and suicidal. I have virtually no contact with my mom or kids or siblings. I have no family at all. I'm sorry you went through this.

[@oliviaramos8606]

My mother has tried to make a wedge between my son and me. She has openly critiqued me, mocked my mothering style etc. my son won’t have anything else to do with her. He won’t Allow anybody to separate us

[@simonecrevecoeur7737]

When it became apparent that my son had certain difficulties (later diagnosed as autistic) and I was seeking help for him, my narcissistic mother not only denied any problems but also told me in no uncertain terms that I was a bad mother and hating my child for doing exactly that.

[@nataliekhalilrealtor]

Ok. This makes sense. Dealing with special needs child and my mom flat out called my toddler (in spelling) a monster so the toddler wouldn’t understand. I was upset and said don’t say that a few times and she said sad but true.

[@tawnytuppence5573]

My mom insisted I stay in a job I hated so she could watch my babies and parent them the way she wanted. It broke my heart. So selfish.

[@lindanorton2088]

I couldn't handle the criticism from my mom and ended up cutting her off. The hypocrisy was truly sickening. She was the worst parent. She gossiped about my parenting to everyone. My entire family turned against me. I feel really alone losing my family but it is the first time I have ever felt peace.

[@agricolaregs]

👏

[@kathygreenlee5108]

My mom gossips to everyone about me.

[@lindanorton2088]

@@kathygreenlee5108 I am sorry, that is painful. I hope you can heal and see your value. You deserve to be respected.

[@clarechadwick7209]

My father watched my teenage daughter in the bathroom until she sent me a picture of him doing it using the mirror. We put a stop to that! He said he wasn’t tho’! When daughter was around 13 or 14 he said in front of her that girls don’t need an education least of all paying for one. Daughter disassociated for 5 years. She has now won herself a place at Oxford Uni and is getting help with her mental health through them. I’m so proud of her.

[@zaviahopethomas-woundedsou9848]

My mother's comments on my parenting started when I told her I was pregnant with my son (first child). Her words will be reduced greatly here. The first thing out of her mouth and some of what followed "Whatever you do, do NOT buy a rocking chair is spoils a baby. Put them in bed an hour before you go to bed and if they wake up at night let them cry until you get up in the morning. It is the only way to teach them to sleep through the night. You choose when to feed them and if they cry because they are hungry let them cry. You choose when to change their diapers, make a schedule. Never respond to them if they are crying it will spoil them." I will stop here. After that conversation I decided everything my mother did that hurt me, I would do what I felt would be comforting and appropriate as a response, it was usually the exact opposite of what she did. My mother was very cruel to me, I was the scape goat who she was very very jealous of. I am surprised she did not kill one of us seven children! A few years after my son was born, when my nephew's wife was pregnant, I told her what ever my mother says to do with your child do the exact opposite! She laughed really hard and said I was joking, I said no I am deadly serious. She still did not believe me. I saw her a couple of months later and she came to me with a horrid look on her face, she had seen my mother the week before. She said "I cannot believe what your mother told me to do with my baby!!! You were serious and I did not think you were at all! Trust me I will take your advice over hers, I will be doing the opposite of what she said." My mother never should have had children.

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Yikes.....hope you’re No Contact 🌺🌺

[@zaviahopethomas-woundedsou9848]

@@godzillamanstreb524 I went no contact 14 years ago and she passed away over 3 years ago. I did not go to the funeral and felt nothing when she died.

[@alyssahill2404]

This is so me.. I’ve recently cut my narcissistic mother out of mine and my children’s lives and I’m dealing with their narcissistic fathers lack of parenting. I’m left to do all the heavy lifting and teaching and discipline and he’s just the fun guy:( it makes me feel awful and him and my mother trigger me in the same exact way.. it’s very unsettling..

[@joseenoel8093]

I'd had a major red flag yrs back with covert mom who'd said she acted dumb around her grandchildren so that they would 'like her'! Great, more no help on my journey as I'd need to boycott her structured stupidity. My dead beat dad once looked for confirmation from me that we had 'Fun together', sure Dad, a blast! So onto my husband whose idea of having fun means not acting his age and it being all about him, yay! Good luck sugar! Keep up the good work, hard work pays off no matter what it is!

[@nicolesmith7611]

I know how you feel. My narc ex will at least watch him but depending on how he's feeling towards with me. Will be very disrespectful out of no where.

[@alyssahill2404]

Nicole Smith my narc ex watches the kids on his days but they’re usually just shut in the house while he plays video games and yells at them from the couch (same thing he did when we were together) I take care of all the school stuff, doctors appointments, all of it. His dad abandoned him and the family when he was 2 so I feel that he might think just because he hasn’t left them he’s a good parent but he just scrapes by with responsibility and the actual parenting part of raising kids.. it hurts but they’ll see it eventually just like I did with my mom

[@avalancherose]

Hello. What about coming from a narc mother and ending up with a narc mother in law? Cause I had to cut off contacts with both exactly for the same reasons. And I feel relief. My children do not have contacts with the grandmothers. Better getting rid of toxic witches 🧙🏿‍♀️ when you can’t have healthy grandparents. I really didn’t want my children to get manipulated and both my mother and mother in law are masters in manipulation (they also devalue and put down continuously). I know I took an extreme decision but I felt I had no choice and all parts of my spirit, mind and heart are telling me I did the best. I feel just sad that I cannot offer my kids a normal family. It’s just sad

[@RosaGarcia-jg3pu]

It's very true that narcissistic parents don't take well to the new attention garnered by their expecting child. My mother has had her tubes tied for 15+ years and during my last two pregnancies she has made huge announcements about getting it reversed and finally having another child ( I am an only child). Doing everything she can to get the attention and special treatment. As far as parenting goes, it really is all about their "grandchild" and not your child. My mom had the audacity to tell me to my face that the grandmother was the most important person in a child's life - much more than the mother. Ha.

[@Stephanstylz]

My youngest was 4 yo and my eldest was 6 when I respectfully declined her insistence on raising them HER way. This was the last straw in my journey in fluffing her up. It was the beginning of the end of our relationship because I reached my limit when appeasement meant raising another generation of anxious people.

[@lisamr40]

By the age of 20, I was a single mother living with my parents so that I could attend college and better my life for my child. After graduating with a B.S. I got a great paying job and finally, after 6 years, moved into my own apartment with my child. I worked, came home and took care of her and went to bed and did it all over again the next day. I found the love of my life and now husband by the age of 30. I remember standing in my mother's kitchen talking about if he and I would get married and have kids I would name one 'Maria ' because I loved that name. And to this day I will NEVER forget what she said. And I quote " why would you have any other children when you can't take care of the one you already have?" I am 51 now and it still kills me every time I think back to that. She wasn't happy every pregnancy later. I wound up having 3 more kids! It hurt so deeply because at the time, I thought I was doing a good job raising and caring for her. But then again, I never did anything right in my parents eyes! I have since removed myself and my family from them. Your videos are so helpful! Thank you!!

[@pjmackall]

My mom said to me, “You parent just like my sister.” (She gossiped about her sister with her mother. She thought her sister was a lousy parent, but her sister was actually a kind and loving parent.) My adult kids are fantastic and turned out to be such beautiful people. I must have done something right.

[@jennifertrammell781]

I wish I had heard this 20 years ago. I was the golden child, so I had no idea my family was disfunctional.

[@ashleybrock5228]

💚

[@badmamjamma]

Yes! I was golden child most of the time, although mom made sure she switched it up once in a while, to keep us on our toes. When I just STARTED to set boundaries, I definitely became the scapegoat.

[@jennifertrammell781]

I am the scapegoat now. I was my Dad's golden child and my mother's scapegoat.

[@sophierivett2811]

Me too. It's actually my scapegoat sibling who is the only one still in contact with my mother

[@venturout]

I am not a parent and sadly I probably will never be. However, the unsolicited advice doesn’t just apply to Parenting, it is for absolutely everything.

[@marana759]

My mother stole my parenthood when I was still un the trauma bond with her. She erased me. Fortunately I recovered it.

[@irishcountrygirl78]

My mother did that to my sister. She was able to take over there and bought all the clothes for the kids, their food and eventually was the boss... My mother then tried to triangulate us against my sister and told us how awful a mother she was, how she couldn't do anything without her money and help. We were wise to it though. I told my mother to cut the apron strings if she no longer wanted to help her..all this calling her out resulted in a lot of vicious fighting and now the great relief of no contact. Sadly I'm also no contact with my siblings now though. They are all under her "money spell". You are so lucky you got away, that web could have been wound really tight round you.

[@badmamjamma]

I really relate to that. Hang in there.

[@catherinebarnes7433]

Been fighting it and lost one child.

[@sophierivett2811]

Me too. NC for last 2 years, recovering and supporting my child through recovering from the damage she did to them. Feel so guilty for my child that I didn't get out sooner but it took my having therapy to understand that I'd been emotionally abused since childhood into my late 30s. No longer feel any guilt about going NC - sad it came to that but best thing I ever did

[@Sarah-mi2rv]

My narc grandma and aunts (flying monkeys) tried to do this to my mom (who married into the family) when my sister and I were growing up. I finally woke up to what was going on as an adult. No wonder my mom was beside herself. My dad didn't do anything, he just let my grandma get her way to "keep the peace."

[@skfive4004]

My son was born prematurely and when we finally brought him home he had to be on a heart monitor. Needless to say, I barely slept and was overwhelmed with being a new mom. My narc covert mother called me one day asking if she could drop off the daycare kids she was watching at the time. I was in shock. I said umm no? I’ve got my hands full here. She got very upset and told me she had 7 kids and I only have 1. It’s not that hard! Why couldn’t I help her out! Never even asked about my son. Such a selfish a-hole. My son is almost 18 and is such a beautiful person. He can spot her BS from a mile away. We don’t really have a deep relationship with her. I did not want him exposed to that poison. Thankfully my in-laws are supportive and loving. 🙏🏻🙏🏻 Thank you Dr. Ramani!

[@Mel-zy1qu]

Can you please make a video on what to say to a narcissistic parent you’re distancing from? I’m just learning boundaries and I need to communicate that I don’t want to be in his life but worry about dangerous backlash

[@nobodyl4319]

my in laws told my son that i was a bad mother. they criticised everything I did. i fought a lot of fights with them to defend my marriage. my husband was against me the earlier days and later seeing the distress they have caused me, told them to stay away. but later over a few years. my husband became the critique himself. he was the one to call me a bad mother. he was extremely resentful and unhappy because of the hard boundaries U have drawn with his patents. he even started to talk down on my son. Dr Ramani, this video is going to help many of us out there. it took me last two years to have the courage to file a divorce. you are absolutely correct to say that we as adults may choose to endure the suffering but we will not let our kids to be belittled the same way. Thanks for saving us.

[@Sarah-mi2rv]

Nobody, I'm sorry you went through this. This sounds like what my mom went through with my narcissistic grandma (my dad's mom). My parents are still together, but my mom has been considered the bad one, and my dad, grandma and aunts all tried to turn my sister and I against her. I started to see what was going on when I became an adult. I'm glad you had the courage to file for divorce, and hope you and your son are able to start healing.

[@terrytumolillo7677]

i WAS RAIISED BY A MOTHER AND SISTER WHO WERE BOTH NARCS. I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT NARCS UNTIL VERY RECENTLY. NOW I'M REALLY SAD THAT i ALLOWED THEM TO RAISE MY TWO KIDS. I WAS 16 WHEN I HAD MY SON AND 18 WHEN I HAD MY DAUGHTER AND I'M NOW 56! I WAS ASSAULTED AT WORK IN WHOLE FOODS BACK IN MARCH OF THIS YEAR AND THAT TRAUMA REALLY FREAKED ME OUT AND I HAVEN'T BEEN THE SAME SINCE. MONTHS LATER, I REALIZE THAT INCIDENT WAS A BLESSING IN DISGUISE, AS IT HAS "AWOKEN" ME AND SET ME ON THE PATH OF THERAPY AND RESEARCH AND LEARNING! I WISH I WOULD HAVE FOUND YOU SOONER RAMANI!!

[@chanellemhenderson]

I have 4 kids ages 9mo-8 years, been no contact for 2 years. Weird things my mom has done: -bought my daughter a doll that looks like her so “she can play with Nani’s long straight hair whenever she wants” (my daughter hates dolls, has never asked to play with her hair, and my mom makes her feel self conscious for having curly type 2B/C hair) -tried to breastfeed my son when he was a baby -told me once when she was babysitting that “it was like she stepped right into Mommy’s place” while I was gone -sent my kids stolen toys, gift cards, and candy from her church (where she works) -told me that “one day I’ll finally see how much she did for me” when my kids become as “miserable and ungrateful” as I was as a teen -showed up unannounced when I was overdue after I specifically told her NOT to come until we call AFTER the birth of my child because she was “tired of waiting for me to go into labor” and then tried to stay with us/boss me around to cook/serve her. So. Many. Things.

[@SavingHearts]

This video really spoke reality to me. This is exactly my situation. I grew up with a narcissistic father and a codependent mother. My childhood was a nightmare. Now my parents feel free to say whatever they want about my kids and act like they were perfect parents. And I have the added bonus of having married a narcissist. I’m so glad I found your videos. I wish I had this important information earlier. Bless you.

[@swansonsstuff]

I refused to do a thing my narc parent wanted me to do and he said, "No wonder your kids are crazy" 😳

[@منالسيدةإلىالنساءالمحترمات]

Wow

[@missbliss4278]

I wasn't aware of my narc moms narcissism when I had my son (as a single parent from the start), I was just afraid that she'd be like my narc grandmom. Well, I soon found out...she triangulated me and my Son from the day he was born and years of hellish behavior lasted. When he was 15 I went no contact with her and in a fight I had with my Son a few months after that, all of a sudden she marsched right into my home. She took my Son with her after telling me that I had mentally tortured both her and him for years (total projection there...). During the time she kept him from me, she made him miss final exams in school (they called me ofc), got him to file a complaint against me to child protective services (claiming I was a bad parent) to finally calling at 3.40 in the morning after 3 weeks, telling me I had to come over and clean her bathroom because my Son has gotten sick and had thrown up. The she "let me" take him home. Then she called me the very next day as if nothing had happened and wanted to go to dollarstore... I commented on wtf she had done to me, and was met with a narcissistic rage that litterally was worse than the famous scene from the movie The Exorcist....I could seriously view her like a freckin demon over the phone... There was basically no ending to what a horrible person I was...! The projections she basically vomited out! That's when her mask fell and that can never be unseen. Btw, the lady from child protective service wrote that "The best thingfor my Son and me, was to have as little contact as possible with my mom". That was kind of a win.. My Son finally went no contact with her as well this year, and we're finally having piece in our life. There's no forgiving the damage she's caused both of us.

[@phoenixrising4031]

I am sorry you went through that. I am going through something very similar! It's a total nightmare.

[@Muggins1046]

The visceral ‘punch in the gut’ sickening feeling I got when my grandmother told me she was proud of the way I handle my kids and ‘how well you have them under control’ was the wake up call I needed to change almost everything about my parenting.

[@Kathy.Cooksey6]

A little story; I had a mother who was very critical of me growing up. When I brought my colicky newborn to see her grand parents. My mom, in her years of wisdom told me to just let my baby cry. Well, I felt an emotion that had been sitting in me for 34 years, my mom BRAGGED how she would let her babies cry, the emotion of rage I felt when she said that phrase trigged in me the hurt I have felt all these years from not being seen. ...

[@cindyklaassen3391]

My mom suggested for me to use her favorite girl name when I found out one of my twins was a girl. I didn’t know why her suggestion was so irrationally unsettling to me at the time.

[@juliefowler7958]

WOW! WOW! WOW! Did you nail it?!! From questioning my ability to raise a child (my first), to not even holding a child (my second), to making my third a golden child, you nailed my N mom all the way through. So many stories - I couldn’t tolerate my children being treated the way I was treated. Before I knew what it was (N), I set boundaries, then I gray rocked, then I moved 800 miles away, and I have been no contact for seven years. The first real peace I’ve had. My mission is to stop this from traumatizing another generation of my family.

[@JD-fh1qi]

It is so painful hearing similar comments to what I endured growing up being said to my kids. It's what helped me finally cut my family off. The abuse ends with me and I am determined to continue learning and developing to make sure that my kids are safe and always know they are loved

[@Sarah-mi2rv]

Good for you, JD

[@pamdavidson8431]

Constantly yelling me he's watching me as a mom and will call CPS if I do anything wrong, and at same time having zero relationship with my kids

[@kaseylives]

Its horrible

[@thereal4113]

I never viewed my mother as a Narcissist. Looking back, I remember giving her all my birthday money so she could buy something for herself. She seemed so happy and praised me. When I was an adult, she constantly cried poverty, so I paid for her meds with my AMEX, which I thought was 1 time, I later found out she did this for a year before I realized. When I confronted her, she told me she "needed" the money, yet she got a package from QVC everyday. She would ask friends and family (and even parents of classmates) to borrow money. She would take me to Bloomingdales and put items in her bag and tell me the line was too long. She told me she would mail a check. She even dipped into my dad's 401K several times, which resulted in severe financial consequences. She was always dropping me off at my grandmother's house and let me stay with adults she never vetted. It was the 70's, and a very cloudy time. She's passed 6 years ago. I don't feel abused as much as neglected. Maybe it was the best she could be.

[@taneshathomas742]

I know this post is 2y old but I had to comment. I have listened to many of Dr Ramani’s videos on narcissism and realized that it is definitely a generational curse in my family and also made me take a step back and look at some learned behaviors I had. I usually dont comment but the part about not defending yourself but finally putting your foot down for your child almost had me in tears! That is exactly what happened when my narc mom criticized my child with epilepsy, cerebral palsy and learning delays. As I was having issues with my exhusband (who surprise was also a narc) she went to my home while she knew I was at work and had a private conversation with him to tell him how amazing it was that he stayed with the family considering everything going on with our son. This dude was PROUD as if it wasnt HIS child! I confronted her and she didnt have an issue with what she said. This woman had repeatedly pawned me off on other family members for years, used me, emotionally abused me often but I couldnt cut her off because she was my mom. That moment something snapped and I told her to lose my effing number. The flying monkeys came out (my grandparents) and harassed me for years even though I gave her another chance and she criticized him again in a drunk voicemail that she happened to leave while I was at the emergency room with him after a seizure. I finally told my Pop Pop (who finally passed last year and guess who didnt help take care of him at the end) that I wasnt talking to her and if he didnt stop I could stop talking to him too. I finally had to cut off HER narc mother who after I explained the years of abuse and how she spoke about my son, said she would stay out of it. 2 weeks later I overheard her talking to my aunt about how evil I was to cut my mother out of my life. I looked at my aunt and calmly said, dont ask me to talk to your mother ever again. I have been to therapy but honestly I am sad that I didnt stick up for myself a lot earlier. I would have saved myself a lot of pain. I am happy that even though I didnt realize there were so many narcs and flying monkeys around me at the time, my instinct was to pull away for mine and my boys’ sake. Even before that I had never left my kids with my grandmother because she was mean and toxic and didnt want to expose them to that alone even though I didnt have the strength for just myself. I am also happy that despite my son’s challenges he is happy, healthy and in a college program for kids with disabilities and loving it😊 I divorced their father and did my best to co-parent despite his toxic ways which worked for a good while (although extremely exhausting) but his narc ways finally got the best of him and refused to protect him or intercede any longer. Our boys ate both in college now but I sent them to therapy because I didnt want them to go no contact because of any kind of loyalty to me or following in my footsteps and I wanted them to work out their feelings for themselves. For now they have decided to go no contact. I feel that however their relationship evolves with their father they are lightyears ahead of me in terms of setting boundaries and sticking up for themselves in toxic situations.

[@chriswinter8255]

I have a mother who is somewhat narcissistic, and a "somewhat narcissistic" sister. They have decided together that I have BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, and have been using that to throw a monkey wrench into my relationship with my 22 year-old daughter. They have reached this diagnoses based on the fact that I have erupted in raging anger toward them when they criticize and belittle my parenting. My dumb sister doesn't even have any children, yet she masquerades as some sort of excellent parent. I'm seriously considering cutting all ties with mother and sister. This "fiasco" of a situation has been going on for 10 years now. It's SO exhausting.

[@danielkaiser8971]

I had an abusive mother with BPD and a little of everything else. I can smell BPD like stink on shit. I'm not getting a BPD vibe from your comment here, or any other comments you have left on this channel. You appear able to keep your emotions under control, and while you may have heightened sensitivity against unnecessary stimulation, you collect your thoughts and respectfully request improvements in clear, non-manipulative language. My hunch is that doing this is beyond the average capabilities of someone with BPD. I'm not an expert, but if you have any conditions, I don't think BPD is one of them. I think you just want to be left in peace and all the unnecessary disruptive nonsense to stop. I'm speaking my mind here. I'm wondering how close my hunches are in your case, if you care to respond. Thank you for your time.

[@badmamjamma]

Oh they love to label everyone but themselves, right?

[@smushbrain]

Daniel Kaiser I have bpd and find that quite offensive. I’m not an evil monster. Would prefer you kept the negative assumptions to yourself. Thanks.

[@chriswinter8255]

@@danielkaiser8971 Thank you for the kind words, my friend. Yeah, the BPD "diagnosis" really threw me for a loop. I've researched BPD a lot in the past few weeks, the symptoms are somewhat obvious. Among other things in the old BPD checklist of 9 items is a drastic fear of abandonment. I'm about to abandon half my family, I don't think I'd be considering that if I had abandonment issues. Being abandoned by those who put you down is a GOOD THING. Yes, just want to be left in peace to cultivate and enjoy all the great relationships with good, normal, non-narcissistic people. I wish there were more like that in the family, but good thing there are lots of great people in the larger, actual world. My main problem has been erupting in anger when I feel like my boundaries have been crossed. I've learned from Dr. Ramani that exploding in anger is exactly what keeps them certain that they're right and that you are a basket-case. Reacting to narcissists will have you resembling one all too quickly. And then you get judged for that, it just never ends with these fucking energy vampires. Sorry to hear about your mother, Daniel. I suspect you don't have much contact at this stage in life?

[@chriswinter8255]

@@badmamjamma Isn't that the truth?!!! They can dish it out, but they sure can't take even the slightest blemish on their "image". Hypocrite city!!!

[@Motorallyrider]

I tell my narcissistic parents often that they were great role models. If I do exactly the opposite of what they did I know I am doing a great job as a parent. I left home and joined the army at 17 years of age, I thank the Army for being the parent that I truly needed.

[@ladygamer5929]

I set the boundaries when I was pregnant with my first child and my NMom begged for some type of relationship, she used a lot of future faking , and lovebombing. She constantly broke boundaries and started doing to my children what she had done to me. I went no contact almost three years ago and it was the best decision I ever made!!

[@crismarieb6275]

After having my son and the whole Covid situation I’ve come to realize who’s really there for me. If you can’t count on your parents during your hardest times then it’s time to set boundaries.

[@IndigoBellyDance]

My eyes got wide and I clicked on this sooooo fast! Worst thing (well many) my parents Always try to control me and invalidate me as mom. Worst My dad said my daughter deserved a good mom After I said I’m a good mom. All my friends think I am a great mom. I really do try with my daughter.... truly try. I’m not perfect But I really try for my daughter.

[@zaeinabafsari5315]

Everything you said is true. Triangulation with grandchildren is so bad that keep the cycle of narcissism contineus through different generations. The narcissistic parent does not love his/her child, but pretends to love and spoil the grandchild. The ugliest thing happens is that the the narcissistic parent insist to insult the adult child in front of the grandchild! Very sick people.

[@jeepgirljody]

Dr. Ramani - thank you so much for your advise - you have really helped me this year figure out serious things effecting me in my life. My parent used to intentionally make me mad and upset and pick on me and would start a nasty full blown fight JUST so I would clean the house in an angry rage.... that kept the house clean! Now I am labeled the "clean freak" and "superwoman" and every holiday my parent tries to coerce me into hosting a gathering at my place because I have a clean (minimalist) space. I am still working on those "boundaries" because if I don't give in - I don't get to see the others in my family. We all have roles just like you outline we have a scapegoat and a golden child. I now have a better understanding on what this all is has become and for that I am thankful, and I am finally learning how to see the red flags and learning how to come back down to earth and live in my own world safely.

[@soulinastone5538]

My narcissistic mother once told my son "when you grow up, be someone who can earn a lot of money like your grandmother" and the other time "if you are working, don't forget to send your grandma money". My son is 11 years old and I'm a stay at home mom.

[@LiberatingOurselves]

How did you handle this? You’re very strong for sharing by the way 😭

[@seekingthemiddleway4048]

When I was struggling with a screaming toddler she said to me, "It's too late. You've already ruined him."

[@princee3968]

When my daughter was about 13 and no longer wanted anything more to do with my mother, my mother told someone close to me her exact words..... Oh well she will be opening her legs for anything by the time she's 15 😮😮😮 OMG so disgusting. Have many stories like this from the mouth of my mother who I no longer allow in my life.

[@virginiachristianson2788]

MY covert narc Mother said to me that she has more say in MY children than I do. Needless to say, that was the last straw. I haven't spoken to my Mother in over two years. Can't say I miss her.

[@badmamjamma]

Good for you! 🧡

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Yay💫so happy for you & your family 🌺🌺

[@SamizzleWren]

My mother is narcissistic and my husbands mother and brother are narcissistic. My husband and I happen to be empathic truth tellers so it is so difficult for us to deal with this coming from all angles! This channel really helps with learning how to deal with this. Thank you so much!

[@sandysnow2566]

Still suffering from my childhood and trying not to be that way to my kids. I did blow up towards my parent and then apologized. I try to avoid and set boundaries

[@oliviaramos8606]

This is a perfect picture of my mother… THANK YOU!!

[@TylinaVespart]

Oh and my Dad once said (because my house was a mess; my kid had been throwing up the day before and I had a migraine) that I should be careful or child services will get involved. In an email. With a threatening tone, where he offered to "help". That was the reason I finally went no contact. It was scary as f*, I broke down, talked to my grandparents, my childminder, my friends... Its been over a year and stuff is better now but Damn.

[@mlebrooks]

People who threaten to call CPS are such "Karens" either call them because you really believe the children are in danger and need help or offer some social support through a church or social work program. If I thought kids were in danger I WOULD call CPS no matter what but if I didn't I wouldn't bring it up.

[@TylinaVespart]

@@mlebrooks Yup, and the thing that gets me is he had no grounds. I checked, thoroughly, because I was really shaken up and we weren't even close.

[@rachelr4842]

Thanks for touching on the in-laws!!!

[@ianmcshea913]

This video is great, especially as I will be a first time father come January. Fortunately, most of this advice won't apply to me as I fully cut off my narc mother and my child will have the fortune of never meeting her 🤗

[@vilmapoplar848]

My god Dr Ramani, I couldn’t stop nodding all the way through this video. I managed to set boundaries with my narcissist mother, but when my daughter was born, hell broke loose. And I didn’t understand it back then what was happening. First red flag was when she told me to ask my 4 year old why she doesn’t love her. Something broke in me at that moment. I decided to go no contact when my mother posted pictures of my kids on social media after I specifically asked her not to do it. Her reason - “ I have rights to your kids.” You can imagine the colorful language of my response, luckily nobody heard it, and we haven’t talked since. I will always protect my kids from her!!!

[@martharalonso]

I have a special needs son. When he was born, my mother’s comenta was: “If you had listen to to and marry some one else, this would not had happened. (The first of many). For my own good, we moved across country and cut the tie decades ago

[@ggccministry8494]

Wow Ram! Nailed it again! I NEVER relied on mine! One too many let downs and lies! All of the siblings took her up on her "free daycare" and each of their children bare the scars! They are forever indebted to her! Nope! Not mine!

[@SD-bo6iv]

I'm so glad we moved more then 200 km away from my mother a few months after my first child was born. She made a babyroom in her house even before we had one. After that she finished the babyroom in our house when we were away for a weekend, telling me that if she wouldn't have done it, the baby wouldn't have it's own room before it was born. I was furious. Now (14 years later) she is still overwhelming my kids with big presents and sending them funny pictures and text messages every day, telling them what she is going to do, but never asking how they are doing. She's not really interested in them at all, she just wants to show that she is the best grandparent they have. I went low contact sinds a few months, only see her at family meetings and then I go grey rock. It feels good for me, but now she is trying to get her ways with my teenage kids. My oldest told me that he feels guilty and sorry for her if he's not responding to her messages. I find it verry difficult to set boundaries between her and my kids. How far can you go explaining her behaviour to them?

[@oOIIIMIIIOo]

I always told them, when they were wrong, because they were/are wrong and that it is their decision how they handle it, but that they should decide not guilt driven. I always explained them the real world in words which fitted their age...But you can learn from your kids, too. They told me to stand up for me more often. I do now. 😀

[@mindoknows8924]

Oh how I wish I had dr ramani on my speed dial, 😅. This is all so true, and thank u for validating my emotions. Finding therapy isn't as easy as they say with stuff like this. Dr Ramani has helped me understand or confirm my thoughts more than anyone so far!!

[@jeanette5524]

After my first was born, my malignant covert narc parent was on the phone "I just want to be with my 'x'", over and over again. About 10,000 times until I relented and allowed her to move near to us. My life whet from unrecovered to the pit of despair. She arrived at the 'best grandmother' and proceeded to push me out of the way, interfere in everything with passive aggressiveness, and generally demand to be the center of attention. My role was simply to provide her with a new source of attention, whilst being cast into the 'unable to cope' parent and her as the heroic rescuer. Lol, in hindsight no surprises there. Best thing I ever did as I healed and gained clarity over the whole situation was to cut contact. Kids are wonderful people. Narcissistic parents make narcissistic grandparents. Life is so much better now.

[@badassbetty3624]

One day, my parents stopped by to visit us when our son was about 10 months old. He has a binky with a stuffed lion attached to it, he doesnt go anywhere without it. She decided he shouldn't have it anymore and started teasing my 10 month old by dangling the binky just out of his reach. He was laughing at first, but then he started to cry....a lot, when she wouldn't stop. As i went to pick up my baby, she slapped my hands away from him and told me i need to stop coddling him... Not long after that, she started being openly rude to my son. Making faces at him, having a pretty much constant mean tone with him, telling him that if he doesnt like her so much, then she doesn't like him either. All this because he wasnt giving her the attention she felt she deserved and because he preferred me...his mother, over her, even tho she barely spent any time with him and hardly ever played with him, oh and he had just turned 1....id never seen such nasty, awful, immature, behavior aimed at a 1 year old from a grown a** adult....over a year later and im still LIVID over these things. We went no contract shortly after having my daughter and seeing outright resentment towards her from day one of her little life.

[@maepeterson7197]

My mom invalidates all of my 18month old’s emotions to the point of making him more upset bc she’s so mean. She also mentioned when he was like 6 months old she warned me against calling him cute bc he might get conceited... and then she warned me about overfeeding him bc he might get fat. Even tho I was breastfeeding and barely making enough milk. It’s been agony bc I’m raising him in quarantine stuck in her house and I went from two jobs to zero jobs and then the air quality got so bad that we can’t even go outside. This is purgatory. I’m grateful that many of my own narcissistic traits have been exposed and my mother’s behavior has been illuminated. I hope I can get free soon.

[@KatjaBaby]

I am not sure if your situation has changed at home, or where you are at; but if it’s still tough with your mum you can reach out to a local women’s shelter. It’s not just for partner abuse, and they have programs and resources for this type of abuse. It’s an idea to keep in your pocket 🤍🤍🤍 you and your little one deserve a life of peace

[@dianabailey9757]

Great reveal. The tipping point for real change was the moment I realized my mother was starting in on my son that day with the same enthusiasm she carries for a prime rib dinner. She loved the idea of a grandson, but the reality was beyond her...just like her own children. That moment of clarity became the catalyst for finally mustering the courage to say no more. My mother did everything you brought up and then some and it was never going to change until I made the choice to get out and stay out! No human being needs a relationship with a narcissistic grandmother to be happy and whole in this life. It was tough at first, but I can say it has been a healthy decision for us both.

[@theprairierose4613]

When my daughter enlisted in the Army, my Narc mother would not acknowledge it at all and when we finally confronted her about it she said "the army isn't a place for girl and it doesn't glorify me."

[@Platothedog]

Oh boy 😂

[@5668i6]

Dr Ramani you are the catalyst to me changing my whole life. I look at you and I say to myself that you are right where you need to be and that the Lord has placed you where you are for a reason. You are the first soul who has shown me what I am. I had no clue about narcissism and thank the good lord above for your gentle, intelligent ,factual, and beautiful wisdom on this subject. It is changing my life. I'm new to you tube self help but I'm so thankful I landed here. You have no idea what good you have done for little ol' me. I'm one drop in the ocean on the comments sections of your video so I can only imagine and wonder with awe about how many lost and broken souls you have managed to uplift. Thank you so much.

[@TriciaSchaeffer]

My narc mother had to come live with me for what ended up being a few years and she caused such havoc - she and my narc ex husband really did a fantastic job at triangulating me Dr Ramani thank you for your clips - they really help me so much in my healing

[@caitlinbolton67]

I started by taking a break and once I took that first step I couldn't look back. The thought of having to re-enter back into their life made me feel ill. It has been long journey of heeling, however the peace and strength within myself is huge. I am a much stronger, loving person amd have learned so much about myself by breaking free!

[@fairemaiden]

When my son was 22, we were, once again, at my mother's house for Christmas... along with my siblings and their families. Now, my son was the first grandchild... the second one came 10-years later; so, my siblings' children were 12-years-old and younger. My son asked to go for a walk with me after dinner, and we did so. One of the things that was on his mind was that his father, (a narcissist and to whom I had been divorced since my son was 2-years-old), was pressuring him to get married, get busy, and give him some grandchildren. My son asked me if I felt the same way. I told him that my happiness was not dependent on his getting married or having children... that this was HIS one and only hand-made life... that these were decisions he had to make for HIMSELF. He said that he didn't really want children, but was afraid of what his father, and I, would say about it. Once again, I told him that he was not put on this earth to make his father, nor me, happy. He was put on this earth to follow his own heart, his own dreams, his own authentic self's desires. He was relieved about what I told him, and then he asked me, quite out-of-the-blue, why I rarely ever let him stay over at grandma's house, (my mother). I said, 'When we go back inside, I want you to watch grandma with the other children... how she interacts with them, speaks to them, her tone of voice, and what she says to them'. He said, 'okay'. We went back inside the house and it was time to open presents and have dessert. Afterwards, my son pulled me aside and said, 'Grandma's mean! She talks so 'down' to them, treats them like servants, and reprimands them constantly. She didn't say one nice thing to any of them!' He was quite shocked by his close observation of her behaviour. I said, 'That's why I never let you visit, let alone stay over, with grandma very often. She was mean to all us kids, (she had 4... my two sisters and one brother), and I'd be damned if I'd let her treat you that way.' He hugged me and whispered in my ear, 'Thanks, mom.' It's never too late to walk away from toxic people... whether they be family, friends, spouses, lovers, bosses, or co-workers. For your sake, and the sake of your children, WALK AWAY, from these demented, hopelessly irredeemable people!

[@fairemaiden]

@@maggiemae9099 Thanks!

[@georgefam2008]

This video really spoke to me. I didn't even fully realize my mother was narcissistic until I had a child of my own. And even then, it took my mom group to clue me in based on stories I would tell them. It started to click with me, and then I found these videos, and I have totally become awakened to it. Thankfully, my mom wasn't critical of my parenting, but rather complimentary of it. I was the "golden child", and my parenting and my "perfect" child became more things my mother would have pride about. My issue was more on the lack of boundaries, it being all about her, and passive aggressiveness. I have a few examples to share: 1) Family vacations: My mother wanted to come along on every one of them. We brought her on several, but when I explained that I wanted to make some memories with just my husband and my child, this was a huge problem for my mother. She wouldn't take no for an answer, and she expressed that we "got to be with our child all the time". As if the hectic busy life of work and daycare, etc., is the same as the special family memories made during a vacation. Our child behaved differently when grandma was along, especially since she would overindulge her, getting her too "wound up", and we had behavior issues with her on those trips that we never had during our own little family vacations. My mother accused me of being "jealous" of her and wanting to keep my child "all to myself". One time, she even invited herself along in front of our child, making us the "bad guys" when we said no. 2) Birthday parties: Every time I would host a birthday party for my child, my mother would make it all about her. I would be clearly busy getting everything ready for guests to arrive, but my mom would be more concerned about whatever she wanted me to do for her, right that minute. 3) Kindergarten: Sending your child off to Kindergarten for the first time is obviously a big day in a mom's life, but my mother made it all about her, the grandmother. She called me, at work, not to see how I was doing, but to tell me how depressed she was about my child going to school. She told me about all of her worries, about how my child isn't as safe anymore now, and how her grandchild was "leaving her" (even though nothing was changing in her life, as it wasn't like she was my child's daycare or anything like that). 4) Inconsistent levels of "importance": Before I had a child, my mother warned me that she had her own life, so not to rely on her for babysitting. Then she became totally overbearing once my child was born, making herself a huge part of my child's life. Then, out of the blue, once my child was totally attached, she decided to move across the country. This was also at the same time when my child's grandfather (my dad) was dying. And my mom was the only close grandparent she had in her life. There was nothing forcing her to have to make this move, but it was more or less on a "whim". 5) Visiting: After she moved away, visits became very difficult as she would stay in our house for a week at a time. My child would go through a roller coaster of emotions. When my mother was away for a while, my child would get over it and move on, but then when my mother would visit, my child would get super attached all over again, and then go through a torturous withdrawal, crying every night for a week after she left again. My mom wanted to visit even more often, but I was already at my limit with these times and I hated seeing my child go through that over and over again. So, I told her I felt like 3 times a year was enough. That turned into a HUGE blowup, very similar to how you described in the video. 6) Passive aggressive barbs: Now that my child is a "tween", she has her own social circle and my mother is less of a part of that. My mom makes passive aggressive remarks to me regularly that she hasn't heard from my child in a while. Well, my mom knows her number! Does she not know how to use a phone?! I refuse to force my child to call my mother if she doesn't naturally want to do so. And my mom is welcome to call her any time she wants to. So, just some examples that I think related to some of the things you pointed out in the video. Thanks as always for this great content!

[@alisonray2362]

Thank you Dr Ramani for this video. It encapsulates my family, and my husbands' family exactly and makes me very...emotional going through this video and the motions of the dynamics after having children. My narcissistic mother refused to talk to me after I gave birth to my first child who was sick and a several weeks premature. I had called her 17 times after the birth (it was quick after my water broke), to which one time she just hung up on me. Then she finally came to the hospital after I begged her to come with my father and she tried to bypass myself and husband to see my daughter without my presence. She also had my father call me to make me wish her a happy mothers day (my daughter was born around this time, and was in the Intensive Care Unit). She could not see me as a mother who needed support. I needed to make her feel better about my child who was very, very sick. Since this incident, I cut both parents out of my life. There had also been a long-standing history of a various abuses through childhood anyway... And then, my husbands family, my Mother-in-Law is a different kind of narcissist as disclosed to my husband during his therapy sessions! She would come to our house unannounced, uninvited and expect me to host, and all this prior to us having children. After I had my first child and we had come home after our time at the NICU, she would barge past me at the front door, walk into my daughters' room after I had got her to sleep and wake her up to satisfy herself. She had done this once and brought a friend over to show off her grand-daughter. She managed to do the same to my brother-in-law and his family, but they admitted to moving several states away to get away from her! This went on for years (even after my 2nd child) until we moved house when she took things to another level and I had found that she had come into my house while we were not home. After this situation, which was the last straw, where I had to tell her to stop, (now pregnant with third child) it had to come from me rather than my husband. She was enraged and turned all her family against me. Bullying on social media, etcetc. So now, myself and my husband have been discarded also, and we have been aware of the consistent gossip about me. She has managed to infiltrate that brother-in-law and his family who left the state to get away from her also, so we have little support at all. She even claims that I have changed my husband into being a different person and in the contact that they have had, shames and belittles him and waits for him to lose his anger...so he has now gone no contact. So after all of this, I have not seen my parents in 7-and-a-half years, or my in-laws for 2-and-a-half years. It's been hard to do all of it alone, but I have three children, and am very blessed! And lead a relatively peaceful life. Sorry for the long post - this video was the most relevant to me - I am a very conscious parent. But daily, it hurts when I remember all the things.

[@alisonray2362]

In addition, when pregnant she would grab my stomach around friends to parade me (MIL), once she grabbed me from behind. It put me on edge, I was so uncomfortable. Also, she did not like me nursing my children. She made comments when my first born wanted me, it was as though she needed to be the only person my daughter would go to or need, despite me being her mother. She told me I needed to stop nursing on a few occasions for this reason. There are so many other instances...I grieve knowing I don't have a particular or warm relationship with parents, but I'm also very glad they are no longer in our lives! It's a tough journey.

[@mlong0114]

oh my. this is so my life with my in laws. We attempted to set boundaries but they would not abide and if they decided to follow one or two boundaries, they would make rude and belittling statements to shame us. We have been no contact for 4 years and we are free from a lot of the continuous insults. we are recoverying from the toxic relationship we had with them.

[@Paula-pv7ep]

Learning from you in the last year .Has been a brutal reality check. Yes my parent is a narc .She criticizing everyone spouse ,an children .I should have been like my sister an not listen to her .You tend to want to believe that she was for you .No she just likes drama .Now I dont talk to her I live a simple alone life Which I dont mind .You have woken me up .i was weak for a time due to sickness .I have never seen anything more clearly very glad I see it .Thank you for helping me get out of being manipulative. A very good learning year .What gets me is the people that manipulate know what there doing .Learned about the rollercoaster also .Not doing that anymore .You have taught me I cant trust these people even if they say it's for my own good .When i moved back at one time to her house she has a 5 bedroom house .my bedroom was in the hall .Dont you know we cant raise our kids right ,cause were not them they are brutally mean .with the did you see o did you hear an o that's horrible. Yea just dont care any more .

[@samanthaharrison1586]

You got it right! My mother is piting the toddlers against each other to get them to fight for her attention. That hit me so hard that we’re back to no contact