How to think about your narcissistic parent

[@kiaracharles746]

For anyone who needs to hear it: don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm!

[@Catherine_Kate]

❤️

[@annamayyy9771]

🌹Thank you

[@catnotmylastname1545]

What does this mean?

[@yeahitszaina6629]

easier said than done! sometimes doing so prevents a consequentially bigger fire

[@alwayslevitated9089]

YES..!!✊🏽 GOTDAM I definitely needed to Hear this..!!! Spot the Phuq On..!! 🎯 Those reared by a Narcissistic Parent have been "Conditioned" to assume responsibility for other People's Black&White, Irrational, Feelings For Facts, Emotional Unreality..!! 🤪=🚑..😷 Constantly invalidating what you believe and feel, even when you have concrete evidence..!!🧐 Once you finally figure out you don't have to give any 💩's (🚫💩's Given..!!✋🏽..😑) how they Phucking feel because it "Set's you on fire..!! 🔥" Expect the "Uproar of Epic Proportions" along with more "GasLighting" and Invalidation..!! And Yep..!! People will begin to look at you as cold and callous because you are being dismissive towards a "Toxic Parent" that CANNOT BE REASONED WITH..!! Your Job at that point is to continue to not give a 💩..!!✋🏽..😑 If they still don't get it..!! Your may have to resort to a "PHUQ HOW YOU FEEL..!!" YOUR FEELINGS AIN'T FACTS" level of defiance with them..!! Good Luck..!! ✈..🤘🏽..😎

[@lenap4956]

When a stranger on the internet is more validating of your feelings than your own parents 👁👄👁

[@Ibetyouthinkaboutmelol]

Right?! 😭

[@barbaramarshall5271]

That's says something I think, at least to me it does

[@kathrynkastner6064]

yep. It’s very telling. A good parent can admit their poor behaviour, maybe even apologize? But, they don’t and never will...compromising doesn’t exist.

[@tramekn]

So true!

[@alicearchuleta6536]

How I got into this marriage was totally by ignorance, i got pregnant knew him 4 months, we got married

[@BetterOff735]

If you can survive growing up under a narcissistic parent, and still be loving and have compassion, You Are A HERO

[@alexisscarbrough4083]

This feels good. Thank you.

[@410BK]

Thank you for these words.

[@jayprice8429]

Thank you Dr. Ramani for saying that. I’m sure when I say this most feel the same way, we often feel the complete opposite of hero’s but the way you explain everything really opens our minds and shows us how resilient we truly are. The way I like to see it is the children of narcissistic parents are warriors who survived the war and the ones who have children afterwards and are the complete opposite of how they grew up are hero’s. Hero’s for the children. I always tell myself that I can thank my narcissistic mother for two things. Giving me life and showing me EXACTLY what kind of parent not to be. And I’m so happy to say that my daughter is an extremely happy child. She gets exactly everything I never did and I make sure of that every day.

[@desiderata333]

Thank you very much!

[@valsoto776]

Reminds me of Hero by Mariah Carey. I used to listen and love that song when I was younger. Put in headphones and listen while my momster was in a narcissistic rage path.

[@JoshHolzinger]

I hate when people tell me...."well you only have one mother". I would rather have no mother then the one I have

[@HumanFirst001]

I absolutely agree with u...m a NPD mother's victim too...

[@Janeedsleep12345]

That’s ur reply ❤

[@Abelbediente95]

I feel you. My father is narcissistic too and as you, i'd rather no have a father. They are monsters

[@michellenieh7568]

This

[@thecrapartistx]

When people say that to me I tell them that the new jersey foster care system would have been a blessing.

[@ansonallseitz1776]

I can't tell you how happy it makes me feel when Dr. Ramani says, "Narcissistic parents make me angry." Its nice to hear that somebody actually cares about us.

[@brittanijohnson8661]

I felt good when she said that too.

[@jenniferellis9249]

IT IS NICE TO FEEL THE EMPATHY!! AND THE MORE NICE TRUE PEOPLE WE MEET THE MORE SELF LOVE KNOWLEDGE WE RECEIVE,MY MUM TOLD ME SHE DIDNT CARE WHEN I LAST BROKE NO CONTACT AND TOLD HER I HAD A BRAIN TUMOUR,IT WAS A BIG MISTAKE,SHE TOLD ME SHE DIDNT CARE,SO,NO MORE BREAKING CONTACT FOR ME, HOWEVER I DID TELL HER WHAT I NOW KNOW,UR A NARC HISTRIONIC BIPOLAR, DAD WAS PSYCHOPATH ALL ABUSIVE,NO,NO GOING BACK FOR ME,SELF LOVE.UK

[@ha8236]

Especially when you have people telling you to be nice to your parents, even though you know what they are like behind closed door. It gets frustrating people complimenting, enabling or covering their bad behaviour.

[@karanssidhu]

Absolutely!! Watching this video felt like a private therapy session!!

[@easytrips3448]

My personal favourite, “Oh come on! She’s your mother!”

[@Revengestar]

"They put a roof over your head? Even a orphanage would do that" I love Dr Ramani, she is the most badass psychologist on KZbin! Well said!

[@love_yourself_jj]

I agree 👍%💯

[@headinthesound]

Absolutely 🤗

[@erinc4951]

for real

[@safiyyahhameed6354]

Agreed! 👏

[@ElizabethScottStress]

"Badass psychologist" is right!!

[@bernardoestevao3887]

The absolute worst part of having a Nacissistic parent is actually the rest of the family enabling them. Like guilt triping you for not accepting being treated that way, or in my case dismissing it completely like i'm making it up or exaggerating. Not having others to turn to is the real hell.

[@allysonclare9939]

This.

[@cassiecat7038]

Or you’re the problem and not them.

[@kimwalker5645]

Oh this was my story too. I have no family as it was only healthy by walking away from them all. They ganged up on me and it was a total mind mess up. The family kept my two abusive ex partners in the family even after knowing that. We didn’t keep my sisters abusive exes in the family. One of my sisters is going out with my last ex of 12 years. Good riddance. We all deserve so much better. Much love and big hugs to you my friend.❤️

[@TheKingdomofHeavenisHere]

Boy! A mouth full was said here

[@juliesims1296]

Thats so true, I came to terms with my mothers behaviours when quite young, but have found it much more difficult to accept the behaviour from my extended family towards me, after years of trying for some kind of acceptance, I've recently made the move and blocked them all, it was much harder than blocking the mother because I like them, whereas I didn't like her, but it's getting easier, and I'm feeling lighter without all those constant unheard 'explanations' whizzing round in my head.

[@kristinvthe1stvallacher764]

Hopping into the comments to tell everyone watching this that you matter, your feelings matter, and you have ALWAYS mattered. Here’s to healing, fam ❤️‍🔥

[@kaytimberlake7764]

Thank you ❤ same to you❤

[@jilross4892]

Those Narc parents steal your life, destroy your youth, your ability for relashionships, your sense of self

[@gabrielahimsa4387]

they want you to have the life they never had too, sometimes

[@Catherine_Kate]

Gabriel Email Snap! And that is equally bad. My father has actively encouraged me to sleep with rich men.

[@Nitya-r86]

So true! Mine did exactly that.

[@athenathaddiamaketes1606]

True 😭

[@donnakelley1202]

I so agree with you. They are determined to destroy every thing that matters to you. Its heart breaking.

[@mariahgutierrez4481]

My mom's enablers would tell me "She's your mother! She could die tomorrow!" And I would say "I could die tomorrow too! She had my entire life to think about that possibility"

[@kgomotsotrixiemalope5575]

That was always my mom's comment I could die tomorrow, would you happy that you never helped me 😐

[@LoveBeliefTruth]

Your right! They actually stole your life! Sad you have to go there to defend yourself. (I mean talk about you dying)

[@LoveBeliefTruth]

Kgomotso Malope I’m become evil. When my mom starts bickering ”what can I do?!? I’m gonna die soon!” (when I tell her how hurt I’ve been in my childhood), I just say ”you can die”. She never apoligizes, or anything, of course! This has been going on for 20 years! She tries to make me feel bad for not wanting to come visit her and my even more narcissistic, violent father. She’s so deeply hurt about not excelling at being a mother, like it was some task or competition - but she does not feel empathy towards me. It’s always the same! I have to tell her how terrible my life with them has been, over and over again! It’s been going on for over 20 years. She is always as surprised like she never heard, accusing me ”if I only knew, she says” And I’ve been telling her thousands of times!!! And she has witnessed it herself! She even laughed at my plight, my fear and anxiety when I was kid, like an evil witch! Yet every time I tell her I don’t want to come visit, it’s like a completely new thing, she acts like everything was news to her!

[@HandleHandle233]

👏👏👏👏

[@christar9527]

MsJeesus That’s how I look at it. My mother especially abandoned me my entire life. So I abandoned her at the end of her life. Hey, that’s only about 4 years I left her when she left and abused me for 58. No comparison. She deserved to be kicked to the curb decades ago.

[@nightmare23925]

Lets promise ourselves that we'll never let our children go through this

[@1cr19]

Good on you, mate. My mother promised while abusing me, that she’d pay for my future therapy, and then didn’t.

[@Britta_Nong]

​@Ava Rose the fact that she knew you would need therapy is truly heartbreaking

[@1cr19]

@@Britta_Nong That’s kind of you to say. Thank you for the validation.

[@nightmare23925]

@@1cr19 you'll get through this ❤

[@ChristyKayKirk]

Agree!!

[@gchang916]

My narc mother recently died. I felt no relief, just completely sad that my inner child still hurts. I actually did not realize how profound the pain is from narcissistic abuse until she died. To all narcissistic abuse survivors, hug your inner child and tell him/her that he/she deserves to be loved.

[@YoNeener]

I had to wait until she died for me to feel safe enough to grieve. I wish you the deepest peace going forward. ❤

[@nabilatasneemanonnya6792]

All these time I am thinking that I will probably feel the best once she dies😢

[@JenPurple2022]

It’s worse than bad sugar Didn’t give u good taste and leave a bad after taste

[@crazy4color869]

The hardest part about my mother is she can seem so kind and nice and seem empathetic. Then when I let my guard down she slams me and I get so angry that I fell for it. She is the nice Hostess and everyone comes to confide in her. For me, tough crap, she isn't interested.

[@stormcorrosion176]

I love you my friend. I love the piano in your avatar❤

[@meerapatel2293]

One of the toughest aspects of having a covert narcissistic mother - people with parents that weren't narcissists judging me for not being able to have a relationship with my mom. It is like being revictimized all over again.

[@SRR1213]

It's even worse in our culture. South Asian as well. In Muslim culture, honoring your parents is literally the second command after worshiping God. I have such a hard time coping with this considering that my mother is just like yours. I feel no love when I look at her; only anger and grief. I hope God understands my struggle and forgives me when I stand in front of Him one day.

[@BubaFro]

❤

[@ThatGirl_Oge]

and people constantly saying "god, your mom is so nice" lol. live with her for a few months and come back to me.

[@josephsmom3373]

This resonates with me.

[@imadielariel3109]

@@SRR1213 God knows everything and you must stay away from a toxic relationship, even your mother. Be well, and love thyself unconditionally.🙏

[@TaniaMarie424]

Anyone else crying ? We were robbed of our childhood.... that hits home. Very true - very painful

[@justmemother2]

Screwed over for life is more like it.

[@williamfuchs2754]

Yes, I am crying, Tania. Your comment is spot-on! Sue

[@jamesmendoza6802]

Same here tania

[@elmondo-s1e]

Definitely cried at points. We are allowed to grieve and the best part is in having it validated. They can’t take this emotion away from us now. Because we now know we are not crazy, this is real and all of it really happened and it was awful. It is sad the tears are necessary, but they are healthy. I hope you are well on your way to finding your peace.

[@kylerobinson9912]

Yeah.

[@stacieshaw2032]

I always imagine how being raised in love and affection would have changed my life and choices

[@Swiftygirl133]

All the time, yeah

[@TheSmcdona731]

Same ☹️

[@terrunita]

When I first saw someone close, having an amazing relationship with their mom, I started noticing the nasty interactions at my "home" weren't the normal... Ever since I wonder what a cool, communicative, supporting, friendly, warm family would feel like...

[@keddy5627]

Definitely! Narc father and BPD mother made it a mofo miracle that I have survived to this point...thank You God! 🙏🏽

[@lovelyandsmartcommentator5130]

I indulge in those day dreams too.

[@AnaCarolina-cs9qv]

1. You were robbed 2:27 2. Acceptance is a temporary solution 4:14 3. Stop gaslighting yourself 5:25 4. It was not your fault 6:23 5.Stop justifying their actions because they attended basic needs 7:26 6. You may not be at peace until they are gone 8:53 7. Step away from enablers 10:23 8. No contact vs. grey rock 11:15 9. Stop excusing their behavior because of their backstory 12:42 10. Stop wondering what would be like if it was different and reparent yourself 14:44 11. Stop waiting for them to change 17:15

[@SvenReinck]

Thanks ❤

[@badger1296]

Good on you.

[@passion4musick]

Thank you!! I needed this.

[@ainemcglynn25]

I’m on step 8 and it’s difficult but I know I have to keep going 😔

[@swiftraptor8718]

I needed to hear number 4

[@Stinkbeatle]

"Orphanages would do the same thing" 100% I can't stand it when parents think they are doing their children a favour by feeding and housing them. Thats child abuse!!! the children didn't ask to be born!!! Children don't owe these people anything!!

[@louisewainwright8785]

That's the one thing I never understood about my parents (particularly my mother). Such a martyr. Seriously - the things that would (to any normal person) be considered the very normal and ordinary expectations of parenthood were held up to be some sort of enormous sacrifice. People like that are just far too emotionally inadequate to be parents. :-(

[@overimagination2812]

@@louisewainwright8785 I thnk it began with being too emotionally immature to get married, but they were forced back then by age 22-25 max. We kids were doomed.

[@sinnisstarleriche1220]

My mother would tell me things like " the world doesn't revolve around you" and " life is a two way street" if I complained that she forgot to pick me up from school again. I was 7. I had to walk back 2km alone. I often got the impression that she actually wanted something to happen to me. She would've loved milking all the sympathy and attention she could out of it.

[@JG-lb6ld]

Louise Wainwright agreed!!

[@MrNeptunebob]

And sometimes don't even feed them, the middle school near my house has to give out free lunches all summer and even during a normal school year, all the kids get free lunches.

[@KeenanDenis]

I've heard many a therapist say "your parents did their best". That to me felt like gaslighting. I never believed it.

[@sawdustking11]

I think the statement is implicitly true, but for a therapist to bring it up is really just bad therapy. Sometimes people's 'best' is complete failure... Even for a mother/father who drowns their infant in the bathtub you can still say "they did their best"

[@malwads1836]

Unfortunately occasionally even a well-meaning therapist can gaslight a client unintentionally.It's a example of how many therapists are still under-educated about this specific form of abuse,understanding the basics of NPD as a disorder is only ½ of it...The other ½ is learning about just how deep the 🐰 hole actually goes in regards to their abusive behaviors & it's effects on OTHER people.When discussing NPD it can't just focus on the actual narcissist because the very nature of their behaviors inevitably effects the people around them significantly.NPD essentially has very abusive behaviors BUILT INTO IT by it's very nature & it is so important for everyone to fully understand that.My own humble opinion would be to immediately seek a new therapist if you find yourself feeling gaslit or invalidated during therapy & not to be shy about asking them if they understand the mechanics of gaslighting,projection,etc among other common narc behaviors.Probably 1 of the most important things about these narcissistic abuse communities is that it helps create a safe space for survivors to feel understood & heard as well as being a place that helps to educate victims about what they've gone through so they can start healing & ultimately know how to recognize these screwballs so they never have to go through long-term narcissistic abuse again.Best wishes for your path to healing & peace.

[@jeanettecook1088]

It's an old saying... not true. My parents did their least, did the minimal, did nothing but the mediocre and abused us in the bargain. Those old rationalisms are maddening...I hate hearing them.

[@LeilaJane]

It was finally realising that my parents DID NOT care about me, that freed me.

[@roxananasturas]

That's a cue you are with the wrong therapist. it is awful to have that in the setup where you need the opposite.

[@1DaTJo]

The first challenge in healing from narc parents is facing the primal loneliness of never having been seen or loved.

[@jonathananderinholmes8318]

FACING. PRIMAL. LONLINESS. ....were basically like partial-humans. always trying to feel...whole

[@leila595]

primal loneliness... so so so so true!

[@tracyross5831]

The NEXT step....... DON'T EVER let them BACK IN..........And WATCH them CRUMBLE 😂🤣😂👍💪

[@1DaTJo]

@@jonathananderinholmes8318 yes it’s true.

[@1DaTJo]

@@leila595 I hear you!

[@zairas.9122]

So validating to see that Dr. Ramani is genuinely angry when talking about this topic. I remember that when I was six, I went grocery shopping with my narc mom and helped carrying a cake from the store. When I tried to put it in the back of the car, I accidentally dropped it. A short moment later I was trapped with an absurdly raging mother yelling that I have to get back to the store and get a new cake. She sent me without money. I entered the shop crying with the broken cake in my hands. The shop assistant gave me a new one for free. I WAS 6 YEARS OLD. It is still my most mind boggling memory of my childhood.

[@celinec3467]

she felt so entitled to a new cake she sent you to manipulate the shop keeper....disgusting really

[@elizabethmadron1336]

I was born 3 months premature and almost died. My narc mother blamed me for being born premature. She said all of their financial problems and medical bills were my fault. The hospital let my parents pay the bill over 10 yrs.

[@elizabethmadron1336]

Narcissistic mother's are terrible parents.

[@letstwine]

My mother gave a five year old (me) a gallon of milk to pour milk into the glass. When I spilled the milk (because I lacked the physical strength and the eye-hand coordination to successfully complete such a task), she spanked me for spilling the milk. When I cried and apologized saying it was an accident, she said that the policeman doesn’t care if you did something bad on accident, he’s still going to arrest you or give you a ticket. Talk about gaslighting. And no empathy. 😞

[@Yahsaves8]

I’m sorry that happened to you. Thank you for sharing. Sending love and peace.

[@geraldbronco870]

“There are no more second chances in childhood..” - this hits deep

[@Design____ByS]

Same

[@TurkeyVelcro]

Very deep...

[@SjofnBM1989]

Yup

[@lindawinters363]

Hit hard

[@noirincassidy6090]

I believe that we reincarnate and have several lives in order to learn many lessons. I'm hoping I have a nice loving mother in my next life.

[@carissamarella9614]

"narcissist parents will never change" this is the most important fact to accept

[@grai]

mine's 87 and more unbearable and nasty now than she has ever been

[@justflufflez7582]

Why is it so hard to accept? I wish I just didn't care..

[@carissamarella9614]

@@grai oh my, so they will get worse ?

[@grai]

@@carissamarella9614 be grateful if they *stay the same* that's all you can hope for They get worse as they become elderly because they legitimately need help - which of course they exaggerate anyway - and it ramps up the self obsession But just as toxic for sure Just with more age related problems they expect everyone to solve *constantly* Some real some not But don't expect them to miraculously turn into a sweet old person because they don't

[@carissamarella9614]

@@justflufflez7582 sometimes we wish they will change, because deep down we want to feel loved.. and we subconsciously have a belief of "if they are willing to change, it must happen because they want to be better parents for me (thus they must love me)" , while the truth is their ability/willingness to change or not has nothing to do with us.. it has a lot to do with themselves, of letting go of their own inner wounds and bitterness in their own life (that has nothing to do with us) and what i learned to accept is, it's not our responsibility to heal them and it's not our duty to make them become the parents we wished they could be for us.. and accept that it's not that they don't love me, it's just they are just unable to love me in a "Healthy" way of loving me as a child, and no matter what i do for them, it won't change them into becoming "normal" parents i wanted them to be.. So now, i only do things that i am willing to do out of my own willingness, and not because of feeling guilt or duty.. because the truth is, they put so many expectations and responsibilities upon us.. so learn to not feel responsible for their wellbeing, because that pressure is what cause us to feel suffer from having narcissistic parents.. once i learnt to detach from my guilt (no longer feel responsible for my parents wellbeing, ex: fulfilling their expectations), having a narcissistic parent doesn't feel that burdensome as it used to feel 😊 oh and it's not selfish or narcissistic to unburden ourselves from something that is not supposed to be our responsibility in the first place

[@blamegamemaster551]

This woman is so generous and humble with her intelligence, doesn't hurt that she beautiful also

[@frainer]

Beautiful inside and out,,

[@shelleys1872]

I agree. We are very blessed to get her wisdom for free. It is extremely invaluable to me!

[@kirkpeters8043]

Very easy on the eyes.

[@l0us3rr]

Angel on Earth

[@missellenmartin4152]

I’m not going to idealize her :) I’m mostly thankful for what she does!

[@renitaromasco6209]

Im listening to this video in 2024 at age 66. Bless you Doctor for these insights. I will continue my journey of healing with your aid.

[@FunUrth4All]

Me too at 55. I just found out last year.

[@vaderx2000]

What advice would you give your teenage/ young adult self?

[@rchi3906]

@@vaderx2000 Do u, move , join the military , get as far away as possible , limited contact or go no contact if u can handle it and live a great life , they will hate that , Best of Luck , God Bless

[@Plumduff3303]

❤❤❤❤❤same

[@Plumduff3303]

​@NoMoreT❤❤❤ears4All

[@Yanna_347]

“STOP EXCUSING YOUR NARCISSISTIC PARENTS ON THE BASIS OF THEIR BACK STORY” my GOD. That hit like a divine light on my little brain.

[@RegisteredNurse926]

Seriously. Who cares what they went through to become narcissists. They made their choice to be one just as much as we've made our choice not to be. I grew up with two of them. Why did I not become a narcissist? Give me a break.

[@blythepepino]

Absolutely

[@RegisteredNurse926]

@@nunyabiznes3901 My mom had a rotation system for Golden Child based on who was complying with her bullshit and projections, obedience and psychological attacks according to her standard in any given moment. I would say that she is primarily a malignant narcissist. She made sure we all know that she would transfer the title of Golden Child in any given moment in exchange for the Scapegoat and vice versa. This is a division tactic that keeps us all divided and conquered, so that we are less likely to band against her, too, which is what we see in the world. But you would think all of us would choose to go the other way since we have all been treated horribly. For some reason my younger brothers just can't see our parents the way that I see them, as their own classes of narcissist, and because of their denial, they have become narcissistic/enablers themselves...

[@theshellest]

The back stories. Oh my God, the back stories. "My mother dropped me on my head when I was a child". I swear to God if I ever hear my father say rhat again I'm going to make him relive it.

[@theshellest]

@@RegisteredNurse926 i don't know how old your brother is, but i had a similar situation with my brother, but let me tell you- he finally saw it. For years i was the only one who saw it and tried to confront me dad but i was always the only one. It was hard. My dad even told me i wasn't allowed over to his house for 2 years (he said i wasn't his daughter anymore). And yet they all spent the holidays together without me. No one said "hey steve, you're being ridiculous. Shelah is coming over since it's christmas. If you don't like it you can leave." But my brother finally saw it. He has a kid now and he refuses to let our dad be around him. My mom also is finally divorcing him. I hope your brother comes around. I still have a brother younger than me who doesn't seem to care or think our dad has a problem. "We should love him" is what he says, but what he means is "Let's help him stay this way."

[@MathPiHanan]

Every time my narcissistic parent triggers me, I just go back to watching this video and remind myself that I was robbed!

[@krystalhaugland]

Wishing you all the best! I am in the healing process also. Give yourself tons of love!!! 😁💕💕💕💕 be well my friend ❤💕🙏♥💙💖

[@MathPiHanan]

@@krystalhaugland we both need to give ourselves the love and compassion that was robbed from us Thank you for the kind words

[@krystalhaugland]

@@MathPiHanan exactly!! 💕💕💕💕💕💕

[@migati]

you will break this cycle! I wish u all the best!!!

[@MathPiHanan]

@@migati Thank you so much for saying that. oh you have no idea how much I needed to hear it! I actually have two kids and I always doubt my parenting and if I’m actually helping them. I never doubted loving them, which motivates me to get better.

[@darbytall5929]

I can’t tell you the amount of times my dad straight up told me something did not happen that I vividly remembered as a child

[@HoseaStarcraft]

I feel you. This has happened so many times to me and in my adult life it still happens. Not only does my narcissistic father treat me and my brother this way he also extends it to my mother.

[@neveling67]

I heard a quote by someone talking about gaslighting and saying; I remember this event because it was a life changing moment that affected me forever, for you it was a Tuesday. Of course he or she won’t remember but you do.

[@sarahnicole181]

Yes! Major trauma my parents flat out deny. It's infuriating

[@bereal6590]

Me too... or it was your fault it did happen! Or you're ungrateful too sensitive and on and on!! 🙋

[@marisapaola9010]

Me too. My dad makes up stories of neglect and abuse so shocking to all our extended family, and I have had to defend myself in court several times. Shame was heaped on me as a bad daughter caused me to have a heart attack and cost all my savings. My sister also a narc took all my my late mother's belongs for herself including jewelry and my childhood photos. My dad got police to throw me out without notice. Gave all my belongings to my sister to be spiteful. Run away.

[@ekkamailax]

The irony is they’ll tell you “don’t be so sensirive” for disliking their insults. But if you dare to simply call them out on their behavior, they explode with rage. So it’s ok for them to be “sensitive” ?

[@elizabethmadron1336]

My mother told me this all the time.

[@ekkamailax]

@@elizabethmadron1336 you are sooo sensitive! You have such thin skin! Why do you take everything soo personally?? 🤣

[@giftedwithin7]

Calls other people "sensitive" when they are the most sensitive person in the room. Inappropriately communcating with others and then have a problem when the person stands up for themselves, labeling them as "sensitive".

[@ekkamailax]

@@giftedwithin7 Lol seriously. Other favorites: Why do you take things so personally? You have thin skin!

[@joyeseohen]

Oh Gosh oh gosh this is so accurate. Oh thanks for sending this.

[@andrayoung4890]

When I started no contact with my family 6 years ago, I felt overwhelming sadness, guilt and shame for leaving. A good friend corrected me, saying they left me way before I left them!

[@starlite7785]

Yesss❤️🙏🏽 I'm going to remember that.

[@Megan6772]

so so sooo true!!!

[@nmdnmd8306]

Yessss

[@maryclark1088]

I'm going to remember that as well

[@LashayneHampton]

🙏🏾

[@Sorayaclark1271]

My husband IS a hero. His dad was a narcissist and tried to sabotage his life at every corner, and physically abused him sometimes horrifically. He went to a 4 year university and studied sociology and now educates kids with disabilities. He's the kindest, most thoughtful, and most gentle man I know. A real hero.

[@mariarossi6719]

So pleased you have a man like this and that you treasure and value him so much. I wish you both a wonderfully fulfilled life together 💙

[@trudymitchell804]

Wow you for blessed!

[@enigma5651]

Wow. That is beautiful!

[@linds1571]

This sounds exactly like my mother. Loves to sabotage me. Every time I start to open my heart to her I get a knife in my back.

[@markthorne5025]

Respect to him .

[@gingermetz]

I love the "stop excusing your narcissistic parents on the basis of their back story" my siblings and I did that for a long time until recently I've realized wait I have a back story, they are my back story and it was terrible and I don't behave like them. And my story matters too.

[@Knifiac]

This comment helped me so much. Thanks

[@chloeanddiego]

This is so beautifully said and apt to my life. Thank you so much for writing this comment ❤

[@kristamanahan8114]

👏🏻

[@swimcalgal]

I love this. I’m 58 and JUST NOW realize I’ve been doing it!! No more!

[@missb1982]

Me too. No matter their past, we all have a decision to change. I didnt treat or raise my children like i was raised, by choice. But my parents kept the cycle going. Also i excused her (my mom) present behavior and amnesia to old age. Yet she can remember what she wants to. Sometimes we excuse people with older age to get a pass. Unfortunately but kind of fortunately my father was murdered 12 years ago. He was a narc too but karma came for him.

[@thetranspersonalalchemist]

I’ve finally allowed myself to admit to myself that I wish my narcissistic parent would die. Admitting this helped me release a lot of trapped emotions and show up more fully for myself.

[@lisabowden402]

Same. I remember in 1996 my father passed away , I thought why couldn’t it be my Mom? My father got the narcissistic abuse from my mom and her family also. She’s 82 now , in mostly good health , and will probably live til her 90’s. Ugh why do the good die young. Seems the worst narcs live forever. 😢

[@john-ic5pz]

I let myself off the hook for my wishing they were dead when I realized they always covertly felt the same about me. malignant narcs are full to the brim of ill-will. PTSD is permanent fight or flight, the circuit that automatically activates when it detected a mortal threat in our environment. as my trauma therapist said, you as a child didn't know if you would life or die in those moments. absolutely true. and the PTSD → fight/flight SurViVaL mode proves they had murderous intentions despite their forebrains being active enough to inhibit acting on it - aware of police, jail, complete loss of face/public perception being the inevitable result of acting on their extremes of ill-will. ❤️‍🩹 I hope you found this useful

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I have very little to do with my narc dad, yet he expects to control me. I am 60 and do not live with him. He is over-the-top in giving me unasked for advice(dictating to me, based on his unreasonable expectations). I never asked to be treated this way. When I was younger, I complained, he said "tough shit" The jerk!

[@blue.5058]

They do it to you. I was shocked when my narc father literally said, “I don’t care if he lives or dies!” when I just went through a stroke.

[@fabulousfamily564]

I don't exactly wish my mom would die. She's alive. I just don't know if I'll feel any sadder at her actual death someday, than when I realized I hadn't really had a mother ever. I was 10 when I felt myself orphaned. I am already and still mourning that loss.

[@marren6323]

"As far as I'm concerned, if you can survive that childhood and come out loving and compassionate, you truly are a hero." !!👍❤❤❤

[@gsimonin1]

I agree! My friends say the same to me. We are overcomers

[@elise0691]

This comment brought tears my eyes...thanks Dr. Ramani for saying these words.

[@kanzverma]

This made me cry so much! Dr Ramani, you are a blessing to soo many of us. Thank you! 🙏🏻

[@leannalee4524]

Thank you! I'm literally crying : ) I'm an Empath. Imagine how intensive it is to be with a Narcissistic Sociopathic parent. It's a life long recovery for us.

[@kathleencunningham6242]

@@elise0691 me too. A tear flowed. Thank you Dr. Ramani!💝

[@joannedarley1893]

It was only months after my mothers funeral, that I realised that my hysterical sobbing at said funeral was actually relief that she was gone.

[@samme1024]

I hate that I look forward to this day for both my parents.

[@joannedarley1893]

@@samme1024 That thought kept me going for the longest time and when it does happen, you don't realise that you're free straight away. But believe me, it does get better eventually, I just had to keep reminding myself that it was over.

[@samme1024]

@@joannedarley1893 thank you. 😢

[@imadielariel3109]

Joanne, I can't believe I just read these words. The same thing happened to me, only I had not put it together as you have. OMG. So that WAS it! I am sure it was. Thanks for that amazing insight.🙏👍🥂

[@joannedarley1893]

@@imadielariel3109 You are so very welcome, mine was a strange sort of guilty relief at first, then disbelief, I just couldn't come to terms with finally being free after so many decades of sheer misery. Good luck and a good life for you my friend, it does eventually get so much better.

[@karliegilbert3917]

“Stop gaslighting yourself” I started crying. I didn’t realize by saying to myself well maybe I’m being too hard on them was denying my experience.

[@SKOLAH]

Hugs to you.

[@gaiakombeauty]

💖 K A R L I E 💖

[@KJKali]

Me too!

[@thisisntallowed9560]

I gaslight myself everyday for what I think and feel. "I should think that or feel that way instead of what I think and feel right now" And this "should" is clearly my narcissistic mother

[@ansuajo]

I started crying when Dr. Ramani validated me by saying that surviving that childhood and retaining empathy and compassion and sensitivity into adulthood made me a hero. I remained childless and withdrawn because I was a broken person, but this video made me understand why my peers went on to be so sacrificing as parents, because my own role model of a mother was someone not interested in mothering, she saw us children as a burden that robbed her of her life, we were a bother apparently. She barely could throw school lunches together with dry bread and salami, and she literally had zero empathy or foresight for us. I recently have seen some other behaviors of hers in old age which confirmed that her brain is more entrenched in those negative behaviors. But Dr. Ramani put her finger on all those behaviors.

[@kaymack5304]

My teen daughter was the first person to say to me that food and shelter alone means you were emotionally neglected. My head just exploded. How did I never see that!?

[@RohitRRR28]

can you explain

[@AngryMiddleAgedMan]

What does this mean?

[@Rainbow-m3w]

It means she only had physical shelter, not love and care children need. r​@HombreDufff

[@rchi3906]

My father used to brag about that , I told him we had just as much as the family dog but he actually showed the family dog affection , I’m glad at least the dog got some love , he was a good ole boy, all survivors - put yourself first , love yourself first, you deserve it

[@brit0309]

Aren’t our teenagers special? Mine has helped me as well, face feelings and be okay with realities. I love her

[@melaniepardes1972]

Dr. Ramani mentioned "re-parenting" oneself. More guidance on that would be a major help.

[@davidburesh]

Yes. This. So much this. I would venture to say that many of us with a narcissistic parent did not have a healthy co-parent, due to the narcissist choosing a non-healthy co-parent and the damage inflicted by the narcissist. As such, knowing what healthy parenting is like would be helpful.

[@Catherine_Kate]

In the interim, search google, amazon and KZbin for “healing inner child”.

[@melissawatson4135]

There was a thread on a previous video that mentioned Richard Grannon ♥️

[@gigimohea6209]

@@davidburesh yes - my narcissistic parent chose someone he could control and I was born just as her level of depression was debilitating her so I got childhood emotional neglect from one & narcissistic abuse from the other. Now I get to look back on my demolished life to see the results of their bs... and I started using tools & language like reprogramming myself & being my own parent etc 30 years ago. The bottom line is, the damage was done & now it's too late & that reality just sux.

[@annetteprice]

Check out Richard Grannon’s KZbin CPTSR Thrivers: "Sad Baby" as an Abused Archetype (Supra State) of Stacked Emotional Flashback (CPTSR = Complex Post Traumatic Stress Response). Also, Dr. Ramani said she would be expanding on this, so hopefully, that means more to come on the inner child and reparenting.

[@クルックシャンクバド]

THIS is why we should always question authority. "Honor thy father and thy mother" has caused so much needless damage and suffering for so many.

[@cmschelling]

There is more to that verse, that always seems to be left out... “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

[@Musiclover-uo2oi]

I remember sitting in church as a young person and wondering what about "protect and love your children"? That's not in any religious teaching. I left the church 40 years ago and am an atheist. I'm so much happier.

[@bigred4379]

God! So true! Now, in retrospect, I see why my father always emphasized that to me” ALWAYS question authority. You have only ONE authority. You know what’s right for YOU, and that’s between YOU and God”. He was the healthy parent., and I miss him soooo much now, as an adult!

[@susanpitchford8355]

I think we honor what is honorable. There may yet be something in them you can honor, but if not, trust that the truth can set you free. (See, picking out one verse to beat someone up with while ignoring the rest is not how you do it.) Peace & healing to you!

[@GMarieBehindTheMask]

EXACTLY!!!

[@roxananasturas]

WOW, the last phrase hit me hard. "having to survive that and still keep your empathy and compassion makes you a hero". That is the deepest validation my inner child can get. Thank you.

[@themoldavitecorner]

Same here, Roxana. I pray that we both find the strength to be good and compassionate people despite our very rough childhood. 🙏🏻

[@kelseyp6901]

And now I'm crying

[@roxananasturas]

@@themoldavitecorner So🥰 be it

[@roxananasturas]

@Don’t care Yes yes and yes

[@querque3860]

And then there's when your only sibling grows up to be a carbon copy of your narcissistic parent. 😢

[@rinowx5]

Can’t cry anymore after all of the emotional abuse. I’m so tired.

[@arabzgirl]

I thought I was the only one, most of the comments are crying but I can't cry anymore

[@WelcomePain]

Thanks for not giving up, keep fighting and stay strong family. ❤ I know every second of your life might be hard.. This we're going through is INSANE. EVERY D*MN DAY IT HAS AN AFFECT ON US. YOU are the people i want to meet at the gates of heaven. PLEASE HEAL QUICK AND DISCOVER YOUR FULL POTENTIAL. All my love and respect to these WARRIORS. YOU NEVER GAVE UP!!!!! YOU NEVER GAVE UP FIGHTING. GOD BLESS YOUR BEAUTIFUL SOUL FOR NOT GIVING UP, EVEN THOUGH YOU WANTED TO SO MANY TIMES. MY HEROES! EACH AND ONE OF YOU. THERE IS SO MUCH GOOD THINGS WAITING FOR US OUT THERE.. GET OUT THERE AND CLAIM WHAT'S YOURS. SPREAD THE BEAUTIFUL LOVE YOU HAVE INSIDE OF YOUR HEART. ❤

[@obakengbusisiwedollythobeg6601]

Same. It can hurt me but I don't cry anymore. I love that because it means that a part of me has accepted that this will always happen and I can't always cry about it.

[@jayndough68]

Gaslighting was the first language taught to me and walking on eggshells was where I took my first steps. 58 years in I finally went no contact 2 months ago. Never too late to learn. Thank you Dr. Ramani.

[@MagisterialVoyager]

Well done! I’m so proud of you.

[@barbarab2356]

So proud of you🥺 I wish you good luck!

[@fantasme26]

40 years of walking on egg shells and yes gaslit from day one. I went no contact 8 months ago and loving it.

[@freeflyer151]

Good for you, I am 40 and I moved out of state but it’s not far enough. I need to go to no contact too.

[@endorphinrider1633]

I'm also 58 and went no contact 2 years ago. I never had a mother, I had a monster.

[@xuan9164]

I am crying like a child. I have been waiting 53 years for this and thought nobody will ever understand.

[@roset4588]

Same I'm 30 🤣😭

[@qqq848]

I understand…am 45 now

[@nunyabiznes3901]

I’m so sorry. ♥️

[@breeannaszittai6890]

❤️

[@parajacks4]

Me too, Thanks Dr Ramani, you’re amazing.

[@Jay-ql4gp]

I know my mom is a narcissist. When my sister was born she became 'the child she deserved' and I was told she couldn't get rid of me because the cops didn't like the things she was thinking of. It got worse over the years. My dad, well I'm 52, and he still talks to me like I'm a stupid peice of sh%t. And he was horribly physically abusive as well. He was a blacksmith, and would beat me as hard as he could. I don't have anything to do with either of them these days. The family _knows_ he was bad. So when I was constantly full of rage at my treatment, being alone, being singled out as the scapegoat, the rest of the family just scratched their heads while mom directed their attention away from herself. People tell me, well that's you're mom! That's your dad! And I tell them, "Yeah, well bad people have kids, too." Your words at the end. Thank you, I can't tell you how much I needed to hear that. It made me cry. Thank you.

[@sabrinamyers5632]

I am sorry for your pain and all that you endured. And I am incredibly sorry you were alone in that pain as everyone that was supposed to protect chose to turn the other cheek. I think that is the worst part. I can understand this pain and alone feeling, so I want you to know that when you are speaking in the dark in your mind, I hear you. I hold space for you. Remember, a seed has to break apart in darkness in order to grow. Sending you love...because you deserve it.

[@haleygrace7498]

Having a narcissistic parent is literally the most loneliest feeling in the world. Instead of you coming first it’s switched around. Many times in my life I needed my mother there for me and she wasn’t. I’ve learned to survive on my own while carrying the emotional baggage. I hope one day I can heal fully from the trauma and pain.

[@AmadeaTesla]

Truth!

[@supervillainnova8352]

It sucks. It truly does. But I think you can do this! If you ever need someone to listen… I’m here.

[@retromoto9456]

You're not alone...

[@stefanroche3052]

I feel really similar. It’s a tough process parenting yourself and healing with this trauma, as I feel it’s such a grey area kind of abuse. I’ve only found solace online about my feelings of being narcissistically abused, it’s not really a popular topic of discussion in greater culture. There’s a lot of people who are victimized in this way, and adopt these harmful traits too.

[@ABdance5678]

I know exactly what you are talking about. Every momumental moment in my life, positive or negative, I was alone. Very minimal support from the one loving parent.

[@leannalee4524]

Anyone who is Empath here has a Narcissistic parent or Sociopathic parent? It seems like those horrible evil parents have compassionate children.

[@bobertramirez6456]

@@jeanag3279 Agreed. I am an empath, only child and have 2 Narc parents. It sucks, but I became a LCSW and now I pity them.

[@Nitya-r86]

I have two! Wish me luck!

[@judywright5901]

I have narcissistic parents and a narcissistic step dad and my sister and daughter and I are total empathy and we can't seem to stop kissing their butts and trying to please them no matter what they do and they can't stand our kindness and thoughtfulness towards them or especially towards anyone else , they think it is a foolish trait to be thoughtful . Give them a gift and something is always wrong with it or as mom puts it " I wish people would not give me all this crap that just clutters up my house and now I have to find somewhere to put it "

[@mariaanalum2712]

because you have to be a mind reader, know body language, judge situations, and predict others behavior to survive.

[@chargoodperson3649]

@@jeanag3279 I'm a product a narc parent , i stay the hell away !! She don't no where i live , nothing . I gave up years ago

[@freelyforever]

This is so relevant, I can’t even explain how frustrating when people say “ they are your parent, you need them”. Please, my narcissistic was a sperm donor.

[@catwalkster]

Most people who say things like that are just enablers ( in best case scenario ) you should absolutely not care about their stupid opinion. Every now and then there IS someone who is just a little dumb or naive and genuinely doesnt understand. If you feel the need, for whatever reason, to make them see/ understand your point more this helps: Ask them if they are for or against child abuse. Dumbest question in the world right? Every one in his right mind is against child abuse. So their answer will be: I am against child abuse. Then you can say: " I was that abused child once " It can help a lot. Greetings from the Netherlands 🇳🇱

[@catwalkster]

Mine were egg and sperm donor too btw :)

[@Jane-gt6ef]

Exactly! ☺️

[@tiptapkey]

My parents actually adopted me, so they really wanted someone to destroy, I guess.

[@catwalkster]

@@tiptapkey ugh... sicko's .. Your cat is great btw

[@uhdu47]

I'm almost 70, and to this day, I can't stand it when babies cry. I would immediately try to run out of the room or even leave a shopping center. A very nice and empathetic person once told me that it's my own inner child that used to cry like that as a little kid. For me, this is still a reminder of how narcissistic mothers impact us for a lifetime. I can't thank you enough for your invaluable assistance, Dr. Ramani, I will hold you in my heart forever. ❤

[@helenalovelock1030]

I can’t stand to hear babies cry. Many people find it distressing to hear babies cry especially mums .,,it’s got nothing to do with your inner child crying that’s rubbish.

[@beverlymarshall7245]

Dr Ramani, I was in tears after watching this video. As a daughter of narcissistic parents, I appreciate your observations. I have been working on healing myself for 72 years. Bless you.

[@ItsArtDuh]

My love to you

[@coffeeandcupcakes7310]

I wish there was an easier way for people who have gone through the horrors of being raised by narc parents could get together and support each other. The best thing was learning that I am not alone and what we're all feeling is normal.

[@67cici]

Same here Beverly!! My heart goes out to you 💔 my life has been nothing but ptsd from this upbringing

[@lindawinters363]

My heart goes out to you, Beverly. 63 years for me. I wish you peace and love.

[@barbarawhite4225]

Hi Beverly - We must have had the same parents and I, too, am 72 and the hurt never goes away!!! Now my sister has taken up their ways and I did not have to leave the family, she had them drop me. Sooooo painful and confusing. My mother told me when I was 5-6 years old that I was an accident. My sister told me years ago that my father told her he could not stand me. Did I grieve their deaths? NO.

[@Ninanotlina]

Someone who comes out of a narcissistic abuse background with kindness, compassion and empathy intact is indeed a hero/heroine. Thanks Dr Ramani 🤗

[@janeseamore1370]

I am that person. I came out a loving person who helps others and loves the earth and saves animals. I am nice to everyone I meet. Even my adult son learned from my parents he could really abuse me and he does. And it hurts to be in my own really but you know what? I will always be a nice person. I think you are a wonderful person for posting that. It means you are a nice person. You made my day and week and life really. I feel like a victor now having read your comment. Thank you

[@sas-lt4qv]

If you can turn shit into flowers (which you have) you are a heroine - and that's a fact. Susan @@janeseamore1370

[@SwimmingDogThe]

And also become a codependent. It has been a struggle all my life balancing being a kind, compassionate person without being a doormat. Let's say I am covered with shoe prints.

[@buddysmudge2126]

My family constantly reminds me of how soft and simple I am. They say Im too nice with no backbone. I know how horrible my mother makes me feel and I refuse to treat anyone without respect and compassion except my mother.

[@lynkent677]

Self Love + Self Respect + Self Responsibility....= UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!...Therefore love/empathy/compassion....is the simplicity ....To expand to life!.....these traits are being abused!...

[@deeprollingriver52]

The narcissist parent makes things horribly confusing because some days they feel like presenting themselves as benevolent and are actually nice. It’s a trap.

[@Rahbinah]

But even when they are benevolent, it is for their own benefit, not yours

[@christelarmstrong9598]

Wow we are all here for the same reason and yes I have been struggling if my separation from my 80 year old mother was best but know I can say sometimes the guilt plays with me but I'm strong through therapy for the past 9 years I'm healing and iv made it out and healing and taking care of myself mentally and physically iv got my feet on ground with no looking backwards and no more long explanations of why she can't come over or why I can't come spend time with her I love her but I love me more ..thank you for speaking Dr .And everyone in comments keep healing

[@oooodaxteroooo]

you always need to think about the psycholigical basis: survival. narcissism is not a joke, its a survival strategy. there is suffering and pain unimaginable behind it that fuels all types of short-, mid- and long term strategies to keep objects close that regulate their self-worth. lying, cheating etc. p.p. its not a joke, not a past time, its SURVIVAL. imagine true hunger for food... dispair for food. this is what it feels like and why its so tough to deal with. *cough*

[@sarahodom7091]

A trap. Yes it’s a trap. A trap!!!! I had cognitive dissonance. I believed that parent was the good one who recognized me as their child,, but at the same time always felt like Charlie Brown and the football. Believed the lies every time.

[@chrysalis72]

It doesn't stop in childhood. It's awful and everyone misses the abuse,it's an invisibility. Horrible. I think I was given to the wrong family since I'm the opposite.

[@DimitarKapralev]

"A narcissistic parent is a special kind of hell" - as always dr Ramani finds the right words for the situation

[@meganhofbauer9847]

Most of the time she just intended on torturing me. I grew up with mom, dad brother on earth assist and then me. But there are many times when she just straight up wanted me dead and

[@MohitSharms-k8u]

​@@meganhofbauer9847 yes yes even I hear my parents often saying that they wish that i was dead

[@pkoe1336]

My narcissistic mother just died. Thank you for explaining the relief and peace I feel is normal.

[@catsmeow3478]

I always say that I’ve grieved not having a maternal, nurturing, loving mother my whole life and when she dies, I’ll feel relief, not grief, as those with loving mothers feel at their passing. I’m sorry for your lifelong pain, but am glad you feel relief and peace now, which you deserve.

[@agnetahallberg9845]

I feel the same as you two, my mum 94 y on thursday... I have already grieved. Now I must take care of myself. I got sick of it. Both my mum and my first husband betong to this group of people. My dad an enabler... and emotionally handicapped.

[@jamallabarge2665]

It's been fourteen years since my malignant narcissitic Dad passed away. I do not miss him.

[@elizabethy2912]

I felt the same way about my dad. I didn't realize he was a sadistic narc, until the past week. He's been gone for over 20 years. I said, right after he died, that our relationship INSTANTLY improved!!

[@N_Ides]

I hope that is the end of the arduous journey for you. I thought the same until I realized that there had been a smear campaign before the dirt nap.

[@sawyerramos3113]

Dr ramani, when my father died I felt this immense peace, huge. I felt no grieve. I forced my self to grieve and cry but it was the peace that made me stronger. I still feel that peace. He can't hurt me no more. And I'm happy.

[@shade1014]

thank you for sharing this; it’s encouraging & relieving for me to hear that

[@LoveBeliefTruth]

I can imagine that! My father almost killed me when I was 7 years. How can I miss him?! Don’t feel guilty about not missing him or not wanting to have any contact! Yet my mother has now played everything so that I have to go by him medicine in the pharmacy! He never did anything for me as a child! Only destroyed my life!

[@HandleHandle233]

❤

[@godzillamanstreb524]

I’m sorry Sawyer .......hope you can find a elder male mentor who means a lot to you & you to him 🧡

[@christar9527]

MsJeesus Seriously, if your parents abused you that badly you should get rid of them. I mean, just leave. It won’t get better. Only worse.

[@Jkoin1]

Being raised by 2 narc parents has been the absolute hardest battle I’ve ever had to deal with. I still fear Sundays. I remember people going to church so happy, and I was at home screaming and begging that God have it stop.

[@seven4679]

i currently live with a narcissistic parent and i can tell when she’s manipulating and gas lighting me. every time. i honestly applaud myself for the fact that i haven’t disappeared off of the face of the earth yet.

[@fertility-coach]

I totally get it. But don't disappear sweetie. You have your whole wonderful big life in front of you. Just do what you need to do to move out and away. Xo

[@beloglavisup2]

Move, now!! Not next week, now!

[@swathyramesh4884]

Kudos to your courage and clarity. Stay strong!

[@parsnip2699]

Sev en, I hope taking the info from this video will help you. Understanding the monster is a first step to self preservation. Pls understand that your parent's behavior is NOT your fault. That you do indeed matter. I would encourage you to find someone that you can trust and talk to about your hurts and feelings because I wish I had that when I was young and clueless about my abuse. I wish you the best.

[@myaannie1645]

there are so many incredible country songs created every year, and for the @Recording Academy / GRAMMYs to include ours for the 3rd year in a row (tequila, speechless, and now #10KHOURS) is a tremendous honor. thank you so much to the nomination committees for considering us, it truly means the world. we’re proud to share this moment with our friend @Justin Bieber, and all the wonderful fans who got us here. ❤️

[@johncamp7679]

The best thing I ever did to myself is, I became the Dad I wish I had. I started telling myself what that perfect Dad would say to me. And I did it.

[@Ronihot2]

And thats what breaks the cycle

[@annacsillag7247]

Beautiful

[@cross-eyedmary6619]

Never let your guard down because as long as the N Parent is alive, there is a chance you will be sucked back in.

[@AntoDesormeaux]

thank you so much for that

[@lili11.11]

I honestly am afraid to have kids because I have seen myself already mirroring my N mom and I really don't even wanna have kids until I no longer have ANY of her in me and until I grow a whole new me 😭😭😭🥵 what you did for yourself and for your child is my goal and an inspiration

[@judithjolly1938]

I have stopped talking to my mother. I decided that I do not allow toxic people in my life and that includes my mother.

[@tatianagmy386]

Good choice! Done the same...We deserve happiness and peace.

[@soulclarity01]

I stopped talking to my dad.

[@skyemcgowen4766]

I went "no contact" when I turned 40. It was having my own children that started my healing and realizing my mom was toxic because I could never do to my babies what my mother did to me and my brother.

[@jonathananderinholmes8318]

ive had 20 years so far strong of estrangement from toxic-junkie-abusive mom (deadbeat junkie dad walked out in my 3rd grade year). I hear you, friend. real talk. it can be done. we make these choices very, very carefully and seriously. i see you in this, and i respect your choice(s) to walk away.

[@RUNWAYBEAUTY]

That’s the best way to handle it

[@ITcourage369]

The hardest thing to accept is that they'll never change, admit, or apologize for their harmful behavior.

[@strangeland4062]

I think the most frustrating thing is when the whole family lines up behind the narcissist(s) and then tells the scapegoat it's because they don't want to take sides or get caught in the middle, but they are picking a side by doing that. Then they gaslight the scapegoat by refusing to hear anything they have to say, but they certainly sat there and heard the narcissist's side of the story.

[@m.a8544]

I'm sorry that must be so hard and lonely.

[@NicoleDufourDuRocher]

This what narcissists do, they seek to control how others see their scapegoat.

[@LillyNotFlower]

THIS

[@sharonkayking6776]

This has happened to me, too.

I’m seriously going through this right now !!! I made a video on my channel. I feel like my mother and her daughter turned the whole family against me . But it’s fine I’m gonna continue to block people and worry about the family god blessed me with

[@loverlytoday]

My childhood became isolated and very lonely around 7 years old when my brother was born and it has never stopped. A teacher reached out to my mom to have a conference to discuss my deep depression at 13yrs old. "My daughter isn't crazy and is not going to a psychologist". When I was 15 I met a group of friends and their families who became a big part of my life. My mom gets together socially with her family (cousins and their children) and I have never ever been invited- I am in my 50's. My wonderful mother in law was a surrogate mother to me for 20 years until her death. She helped me become a good mother by watching her relationships with others. On her deathbed I told her that she was more of a mother to me than my own mother. I cry writing this, please tell the people who matter to you they do and work on those relationships.

[@bkwrm85]

Oof, I know what you mean by not being invited to family events. That hasn't happened to me, but my parents have actively discouraged me from forming any relationship with my relatives -- even relatives that they themselves get along with. They'll tell me they're going to the funeral of my cousin X, and that will be the first time I've ever heard of cousin X. The only explanation I can think of is that they believe it's "their" family, not mine...even though I'm their biological child.

[@Design____ByS]

I will I promise. Much love.

[@debbiejohnson2789]

I am so sorry to hear about the things that happened to you in your life as a child. I’m happy for you that you had a great mother in law. I did too . I’m sure she loved you very much.

[@jonthomas9708]

@@coffeeandcupcakes7310 Thanks for sharing, so sorry your loved one passed too soon. Valuable to know what a significant difference we can make, both for good and for bad, in what might seem an insignificant time.

[@charleslaleau7764]

you were very lucky

[@Musiclover-uo2oi]

In my twenties, after a devastating depression, I read a lot, left the church, did therapy, and slowly tried to overcome. I was determined not to pass on the generational BS and toxicity to my future children. It was a tough road, and I'm still healing at the age of 59, but my two grown children are wonderful caring people, and the best accomplishment of my life.

[@yeahyeahyeah307]

God bless you

[@SRR1213]

I hope to be in your shoes one day. I am 28 and I hope I’m given the privilege of having children. The child in me wants to nurture them and give them what I never got. I’m not sure why, but that’s the biggest thing I yearn for.

[@Musiclover-uo2oi]

SRR1213 good for you. It’s a wonderful goal and very rewarding. All my best. ❤️

[@nicolevance8705]

I completely understand. I am 48 and have some amazing children, because I chose to distance.

[@1c2h3e4u5n6g]

Good for you 👍🌷🌈

[@hongli1753]

At age 59 after the worst episode of depression, I finally realized my mother is a narcissist, I am starting my healing journey.

[@lisbeth4you]

“ You may not be at peace until your narcissistic parent passes away.” Wow, that really hit me! By now, at least one thing I know: I will not feel guilty at all.

[@bf6048]

I haven’t. It’s freedom from jail.

[@michelleduncan9965]

Amen.

[@wayneelliott1180]

Break out the champagne. Blow up balloons. Throw streamers. Cheer like you won the lottery. You've earned all of that when they are done and dusted. I can't wait!!

[@lisbeth4you]

@April Williams yeah, I don’t wish anything bad on my mother either, I just wanted her to leave me alone. But I am now already taking steps towards that. She won’t change, it will have to be me, so keeping the distance and putting strict limits where she’s used to abuse. After all, nobody forces me to do anything and the sense of guilt and obligation is only on me now. It’s sad we need to take these measures on family figures such our parents, it’s a pity things need to be like that, but we need to face reality and process the sadness therein and move away from toxic relationships Peace on your journey too.

[@dorothypettijohn6228]

I hope so.

[@jeniferjohnson374]

“Treat yourself like you would treat a child”. Duly noted.

[@sarahmeyers1773]

But, like, a child you care about 😆

[@Bellan8845]

That was very well said🫶🏽

[@ememventura]

This made me cry. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this.

[@alicee2952]

me too! It really struck a chord.

[@gonzalez6073]

Narcissists are just in a cycle of hatred because they were once victims. They felt powerless and worthless and do what they need to do to not feel that again.

[@EphemeralProductions]

I know ! me too my dear.

[@sonodiventataunalbero5576]

Same. Such a relief to hear what dr. Ramani said. Such a relief 🙏🏻

[@sonodiventataunalbero5576]

Dr. Ramani helps me giving the right dignity to my pain and anger. I was adopted and my mother was horrible to me and my brother. Her brother abused me sexually and my mother hit me when I told her, she told me it was my fault. I had so great difficulty in life, so much struggle and people telling me I should be grateful because she adopted me. Makes me furious and now I know it's ok for me to be furious. So grateful for her words 🙏🏻

[@monkfrank9607]

All the years of consulting with psychologists was a waste of time. All I needed was to hear this video.

[@maryanne1830]

My mom lied so much when I was a kid, I started to doubt my memory.

[@Reality.juiced]

Same

[@EphemeralProductions]

that was probably exactly her intention.....

[@beloglavisup2]

Same thing with my father.

[@kaedatiger]

I can relate. Even today my mom "edits" her memory of everything. At least other people see it too so I can reinforce my sanity.

[@anairam1950]

Same here

[@user-ye1ku7jo9o]

Hearing you say that "i was robbed" made me cry. I may be 59 years old but the pain never goes away, in fact I think it worsens. Not being loved as a child affects many if not all aspects of ones life. Narcissistic parents are the most cruel sentence to bear. Since the age of 2 I knew that something wasn't correct and plotted my escape. My entire childhood was dictated by silent treatments, cruelty and abuse. Oh of course when I got good grades I was rewarded but that made it even worse. Not being told once that I was loved, by either parent or siblings, is more damaging than can be imagined.

[@thebespokedoctor]

@Almut Jenk thank you for the recommendation x

[@thebespokedoctor]

The first 5 minutes.... i cried and cried and cried,.... It's like Dr Ramani was both parents I never had! She has been the first person (starnger) to validate what I have felt for 44 years!!! IT IS WRONG TO ROB A CHILD OF THEIR CHILDHOOD.. END OF!!!

[@GaganMilanianfriends]

Ur comment sounds exactly how I feel. I'm 46, can totally reason with u. My biggest regret is not cutting off contact years ago when my kids were little, to get the the hell away from my mother n sister. But, I didn't see n understand the way I do now. A narcissist grandparent is 100 x's worse. Sickening. I've been NC for 3 yrs now. Keep ur head up n don't look back. U will start to feel peace and happiness slowly, day by day. Good for u. Proud of u. It's not easy! Once I found all the videos on YT and realized what was wrong with my narc mom n GC sister, 2 months later, I was no contact. Never looked back. It gets easier. When u question itself or feel bad, listen to the videos. There is a guy, his channel is "narcissism survivor", his pic is a hand held up to a lil blinds baby. His videos saved me! I started from the oldest video and watched every one. They r the best on you tube, to explain narcissistic mother's. He is a regular person, who has lived a life of hell due to his narc mom. Listen to him, u won't regret it. He's amazing! Besides Dr Ramani, he is only other person I listen to. Also, there is an article by Owlcation, called "psychological murder, death by covert abuse". Read that article. Amazing! Hope this helps. Keep ur head up, don't look back!

[@thebespokedoctor]

@@GaganMilanianfriends Thank you so much.. Lovely lady.,.. I too have a narc sister I have realised and sometimes i'm not sure which one hurts, the narc mum, narc dad or narc sister? ha ha! Gotta laugh. So grateful tha t depite my extreme lack of self estemm or self worth i DIDNT marry a Narc man! Lol! I married a drug addict though who was always broke (probably because i hated money growing up... mym dad used to gaslight me with "We dont know why you are so ungrateful and miserable, we have a mercedes in the driveway, yuou go on 3 holidays a year and you go to rpivate school".. I was 8.. couldnt care less for that !! Let me ask you Milania... did you tell anyone you were gonna cut them off or did you just step out of their lives.. Did you ever confront them in the end? My sister has two childrne who i love to bits.. She lives in Oz and me the UK so I dont see them... but not being in contact with my sister de facto means no contact with them... and that is something I am struggling with.. Wonder wether i do no contact with mum and dad and just grey rock her... Thanks so much for your support. It's good to hear that you managed to narc free for 3 years.. did they ever try and contact you since then? Thanks for the recommendation for the other channel too xx

[@athena3865]

I had to look at who wrote this comment, as I thought it was one of my earlier posts, as I re-watch many of Dr. Ramani's videos. I am 63 and my situation started at 2, also. The statement was also a tear jerker for me, as it is almost a knife to the heart that is turned. I get you...Maybe we were separated at birth...

[@carit187]

"That never happened" the 3 words that will destroy your soul...46 years old today and still being gaslighted. Best of all that same narcissistic parent wanted to give me a book about God. Wow!!! She seemed to forget I found God on my own with no help from either of my parents. Tired of my family choosing my destiny I chose my own.

[@verseau8360]

“That never happened” and “You’ve got real problems” were always the response when I would finally stand up to or call out my mom. Once, when I was 32, and was winning an argument with her, she said, “You’re just screwed up because you had pimples as a teenager”. Really?! That was her only weapon she had left because I was finally standing up to her.

[@NS-uq9st]

Me: "They are mean to me" Mom: "But they are nice to all of us" Since I was a kid this is what she always said... Now I am 36...left all of them behind with no contact. When people ask where is ur family, I say they are dead

[@koolbeans8292]

Cari. Lmao Same with mine. Abandoned me and gossip with my sibbs then guilt trip me back. Then tell me I need to read the Bible.. double middle fingers. They don’t change. I’m 63

[@NS-uq9st]

@@koolbeans8292 🤗🤗🤗🤗

[@AEHudg]

My mom has lied SO. DAMN. MUCH. I've caught her in lies that she couldn't deny. She's never acknowledged or apologized. I've outted her to the point where she couldn't even argue. Now she says I've never lied to you. She'll even say it in front of her friends "I told her the other day, I've never lied to you." I don't talk to her anymore.

[@lioness3963]

💚. Thank you for understanding

[@Mandi_B]

"An orphanage would do that much". Sorry Dr Ramani, I'm going to be using this line now! ❤️

[@donato286]

This! 7:50

[@robbiea1482]

Or a babysitter

[@cdkight1]

Even prisons provide shelter and clothing to the inmates. I love it when people try and say that because a parent did that it automatically makes them good.

[@rachelb4235]

My mom used to say "I could have given you up for adoption." I told her once "I wish you would have". They really think they went all out providing basics (if that).

[@charlieshepard5802]

@@rachelb4235 I swear if I or my younger two siblings ever said that to my birth parents when we were kids, you bet your ass we would have been a) sent to our rooms, and b) grounded for [instert amount of time here], because that's back talk. At the very least we would have been yelled at. I would not doubt for a second the possibility that my sister may have said similar things, but I wouldn't know due to not being present for a lot of those arguments.

[@mrsinger5539]

Living with my narcissistic dad was like being in prison at your own home, you are not allowed to have your opinion on things(he expected me to agree with his narc views), you are supposed to blindly obey any orders given and always have to put up a fake persona and pretend everything is "okay", I tried committing suicide several times, the first time when I was 9. Right now I'm 16 and live alone thankfully but he still finds ways to manipulate me Edit: Oh woow!! I did not expect this much support, thank you very much for you kind words everyone ❤❤🙏🙏

[@Arisairspace]

Stay strong, there’s so much strength in you and there is a reason why you’re still here and why you’re watching this Your life has a purpose and I pray for your soul on its journey to healing. You and your life matters ❤️

[@mrsinger5539]

@@Arisairspace Thank you so much 🙏❤

[@calebcarpenter421]

I also had a narcissistic dad, and my experience was similar. I struggled with suicidal thinking from my mid teens until I was nearly thirty, when I got hospitalized for it. After that I finally started getting treatment, and eventually went no contact. Don't give up. I don't know what your personal journey out of that place will look like. I do know how awful that place is. But I also know it's possible to get out. Don't give up.

[@SG-jg3be]

No contact really works for me. Don't let him steal any more of your life. Be your own best friend. You can do it. You have the power now.

[@jupiterscorner5423]

This describes the nf that co-created me

[@llrainll]

Unfortunately as kids- we don’t realise the narcissistic abuse from our parents. We think it’s normal and it will come to an end. It will never come to an end.

[@colywogable]

I'm almost 40, and just this week it dawned on me, "Oh. It has always been this way. This is it. The way it is"... I always thought it was a temporary thing that my mother had some excuse for.

[@jamestobin4849]

@@colywogable I always got the walk into the room with “I didn’t mean what I said/did early are you in a better mood now?”

[@colywogable]

@@jamestobin4849 my parent stopped the apologies a long time ago. Now she simply acts kind and happy suddenly after one of her rages, and if I'm not instantly on board then she lashes out again, because what kind of awful person responds to kindness and happiness with irritation, right?

[@jamestobin4849]

@@colywogable ah yes I’m familiar with the “we’ve moved past it” strategy as well.

[@colywogable]

@@jamestobin4849 Yup, like, what's wrong with you that you're still upset about that? You are such a hateful person. Enough! I don't want to hear about that ever again.

[@tayuu3215]

This literally brought tears to my eyes. Thank you Dr. Ramani for doing this.

[@tbd5082]

“They were able to keep it together for their job, but not their child...”

[@starlightsky655]

TBD very good point, was trying to get my head around it, but yes when necessary they can switch on the charm but be cruel to a child, they know what they’re doing. They know not to treat colleagues or friends like that. That’s my reasoning that they are bad in their very core. My father very successful in business. A total shmuck in the home.

[@bgood2kim]

Nailed it.

[@Nitya-r86]

Dr.Ramani nailed it with this line.

[@rocklarvae]

my mom had it so heavy she couldn't even keep it together for a job, she relied on my dad's income and kept him in her control and spent all the money

[@artangel23]

My mom in a nutshell

[@msdemeanour]

Yes, I was robbed of my childhood. Everybody told me I was an old soul when I was a kid. It wasn't that I was an old soul, I was just an abused, cynical, tortured soul. Narcissistic parents, one especially sadistic, really ruined my future relationships. It is indeed a demon on my back. In middle age I am still trying to heal. Thank you for this video.

[@beautifulawareness1707]

You weren't an old soul. Most probably you were the only adult and sane one in that family even if just a child. 💗

[@lauragrolla5916]

I was told I was an old soul too! Which basically meant, you be the parent while we get to be mean kids with power over you. Loved your comment. It opened my eyes.

[@msdemeanour]

@@lauragrolla5916 ♥️

[@msdemeanour]

@@beautifulawareness1707 ♥️

[@Damien1_1]

Same here. All my teachers said why do you have a permanent frown on your forehead. I was just 8. i never smiled as my mother stole it from the moment i was born. I am 41 or 42 now. I still dont smile. My spirit is crushed

[@jilross4892]

Whats bad is that your sibling sometimes sides with them

[@hannavalenta6717]

Yes! How come this happens? Don't they see it? Or are they just fooling themselves that their narcissistic parent is actually good to make their life bearable?

[@kkeiter]

Yup scapegoating and triangulation

[@kkeiter]

They have to be in control and the star of the show

[@samanthaharrington8713]

Mine did... They agreed with my parents about getting what I deserved for being bad and acting out growing up...

[@jilross4892]

@@hannavalenta6717 they are probably still under control of the Narc and believe their slander

[@amorepsyche808]

I cried more in this 20 min video than this entire year… it hurts so much knowing tht things will never change, since sometimes my dad was capable of love and affection but just one wrong word can spiral in screaming and yelling for hours. It’s like my heart was cut open all my life for the pain I had to endure

[@georgejgilles.3999]

I've learned from my narcissistic parents that they don't care about you. It even caused my younger brother to die last year at the tender age of 37. He looked for our parents to love him but they just fattened him up and made fun of him for being fat. They never cared about him but when he was dying they acted as if they did. When my brother ended up in the hospital he didn't want either of his parents there and it was at that time that he realized how much I've loved him. They made fun of me for having feelings and showing emotions and feelings. My mom and father would go into continuous rage stages. I've witnessed a great deal of toxic behavior. So, I decide to separate myself from them and decided that they were not my parents and started on my journey on re- parenting myself. My own father talked bad about my daughter calling her black and that she is not allowed at their house. He even talked terribly about my second son saying that he is too black to be my son and that I should get a DNA testing. I've made it my life long duty never to be like them. I love all my children unconditionally. Even at the age of 47 the emotional and psychological pain lingers in my soul. I make sure to show my children empathy and compassion. Thank you doctor Ramani for another informative video.

[@jennyp4934]

I'm so sorry you lost your brother. I'm glad you were with him. For him to know of your love would have helped him so much.

[@arghavanjafarijozani2592]

I’m sorry you went through all that

[@catnotmylastname1545]

When you have toxic, controlling parents, it is important to move a considerable distance away from them and live your life. I haven't lived closer than a 7 hour drive to mine since graduating high school. This distancing will help you.

[@overimagination2812]

My parents killed my brother too, also had a weight issue my mother picked on him about - even as he lay fresh in the grave. When they showed no empathy for my brother even after he was dead I realized my parents were not simply crazy but completely heartless and immoral. Boy was I right. I went no contact and the next five years learned they were regarded as true sickos in the community by everyone long before we were even born!

[@jennyp4934]

@@overimagination2812 thats a really sad story. I hope you're going ok.

[@cindyoreilly2796]

My entire life has been peoplebtelling me ' I can't believe you can talk about your dad that way"" Enough said

[@RPKGameVids]

It's strange how some people will demonize the victim while victimizing the demon at the same time.

[@sarahmontour924]

Oh yeah, we get the shame from all angles.

[@ZahSoZen]

I'm so sorry ❤️

[@ZahSoZen]

@@MCLV1155 i don't have to imagine 😔

[@lilarain9310]

My dad loved calling me degrading names like "idiot" and "dummy," among all the other shaming and snapping at me. When I talked about it to adult friends later, one of them was like "Do you think he was joking?" Why otherwise good hearted normal people gaslight like that -- I have read that childhood trauma changes your worldview making you feel that people are unsafe. But to be honest, I am seeing a clear picture that childhood trauma actually *does* make people unsafe. When people minimize my pain or make me feel stupid for things that actually happened that actually wounded me, they are carrying the torch of my abuser! And they are exasperated at my disabilities from my wounds. Most people really do become dangerous. *shrug*

[@woopiemiddleman8232]

They won’t change and they live a long life. This is the saddest part.

[@MrNeptunebob]

Often it is in a nursing home. Dr. Ramani, please do a video about how nursing home workers can deal with narcissist residents, it can be difficult sometimes.

[@MrNeptunebob]

Oh, and another thing, the nursing home I worked at also started taking bariatric (severely obese) patients. All of them had terrible parents, often leading to overweight. These patients are MEAN! Worse yet, it takes a lot of staff and supplies and resources to deal with them.

[@christar9527]

Yes, my narcissistic mother in law got put in a nursing home after about 88 years of being a nasty pain in the ass. She finally died alone there after almost 4 years. It’s a relief to me.

[@annamittal8319]

And they can seriously affect the physical health of the people they abuse. Personally, I’ve had chronic migraines since I was a teen and now have heart problems at only 20. My narc parents and enabler brother could care less (in the process of going no contact). It’s so angering that their behavior helps them live even longer, they’re such vampires.

[@thevindictive6145]

Stress free live helps with longevity while blaming everyone else for their mistakes.

[@sandancer45]

I was out just recently minding my own business, having a drink with a pal and this friend of the family came up to my table and started saying i should speak to my mother and not be so stubborn, i was so shocked as i have not spoken to my mother since 2016. Being a little bit merry with drink i told him a short version of why i did not speak to her, he went off to the toilet and came back and seemed to have calmed down and did not mention it again. I find it strange that people just tell me who i can and cannot speak to without asking the reasons why. One conclusion i came up with is that he got her side of the story and not mine. I just reacted too quickly and should not have let it get to me, but never mind, its done now. No one has the right to tell me how to live my life, i dont go up to anyone and tell them to speak to family members, its none of my business.

[@caroleminke6116]

Enabling narcissists is criminal behavior as well as the reason they always have supply

[@janiceetienne1093]

My mother loved having “cheerleaders” in an argument. Wether it was her friends our my sibling the more people she can use to push you down the happier she got. Just evil behavior.

[@cocinaporahi]

My mom liked to have "public" when she yell at us. When my and my older siblings grow up (+14) and put at end when she yells at one of us, she started to yells just 1 of us in front of our baby sister (4yo). BTW, Sorry for my english.

[@shreyaindia4024]

how did u deal with this?

[@lori3670]

THIS. My mother always looked for people to support her, even if it was about some very insignificant opinion that we didn't share. It made me feel as if it was everyone against me. As if my ideas and feelings were so wrong that everybody would agree that I was trash. This effed me up so badly, I still have trouble being myself in a group of people being I fear the "everyone against me" dynamic. Slowly moving towards healing and self validation ♥️

[@bellasouldahgoddessconscio2161]

Mine too Actually enjoyed watching me cry or suffer. She loved it

[@crystalwebster2005]

My mom actually made me believe I was schizophrenic for over a decade but never encouraged me to get help just stop talking about abuse I faced as a child I feel you. We are survivors !!!

[@leen894]

#6. Be at peace when the narc passes away- It actual give me HOPE to hear that I will have peace when they are gone. People around me tell me that if I don’t make peace before they die I will never have it. They say I will have regrets. They don’t know the truth, but I do. Thank you for helping me validate my decisions.

[@justlooking4771]

I tried to explain myself and what I experienced to my narcissistic mother. She used those feelings against me and told everyone I was crazy, and exploited almost everything I told her into HER being the victim. (Of me as a child???) I’m living a better life without her in it, and I made that decision finally at 45 years old. She continued to deny ever doing anything wrong and makes me sound like I am attacking her no matter how I approach her. I’m done. And it feels freeing for the first time!

[@coffeeandcupcakes7310]

This gave me hope too. I have also been told to make peace before they die, or that on their death bed I will have to go see them to give THEM peace of mind. If I don't I will regret it. I don't think I will. It's a complicated situation to be in, but here we are.

[@susangrande8142]

@WillSupport ForSushi don’t bother; you’d be wasting your breath. They’d only try to defend and justify themselves, as @Just Looking did above. When my narc father died a few years ago, I didn’t talk to him about his behavior. My mother had given me a great piece of advice: people are who they are through their dying processes; their personalities do not change. Don’t believe the stupid Hallmark ‘fessing up death scenes you’ve seen in movies or tv shows. My father was his narc self the whole time. When he died, I cried, mourned and was angry for 2 weeks; then I was done. I’d already done most of my crying in the years before that. Look forward to their deaths as a road to freedom for yourself, if you haven’t gone no contact yet. I wish you health and peace. 🙏

[@lindawinters363]

I felt immense RELIEF when my narc mom passed away. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for letting us know this is OK, this is a necessary part of the grief process.

[@lesleyjohnsonn6846]

@@coffeeandcupcakes7310 I hear you, the advice given to you is definitely from a narc, so don't let them fool you, their enablers are every where.I have heard this lame excuse all my life even from people I've never known ( funny how people always keep you entangled ). It's like a mass conspiracy. The narc is finished because their gaslighting games are exposed.

[@zz-ul8vw]

This was the most validating video i’ve ever seen

[@bereal6590]

Totally agree... All the guilt am feeling.. relisted to this and helps 👋🤗

[@joshuacarton391]

It sure is!!

[@ursulabach566]

I know, I’m literally crying right now lol

[@donnabrown5348]

100%

[@opnarth]

Yes. Me too.

[@Chellees]

I sure do wish I had heard this 50 yrs ago! I was the “scape goat” and the “whipping girl” for everything!! When you have a “whack-a-doodle for a mom, it can lead to a really messy life!! It lead me to accept abuse from others! As I’ve grown older,though, I have learned to put up stiff boundaries and have cut off most of my family! And keeping those far away, that tolerated the abuse they saw poured on me, is my self protection! I am perfectly at peace with this decision! That being said, even after a HORRIBLE childhood, young adulthood, and many years with no contact with my mother, I am the one who stepped up and took care of her the last 2 years of her life! I did that because I felt that was what God wanted me to do, and I’m so glad I did it! It was hard after the hell I lived through, But I am not the weak child I once was, but strong, capable, and I have no regrets! I am the last person my mother ever spoke to and the last words she ever said was, “I Love You!” - To me!!….. I know not everyone gets this , but I know it was a gift, to me, from God! I know my mother was abused, in many ways, like I was! The hell she put me through was what was done to her, which lead to further abuse for her from others. Her past spilled over on me! No excuses, just facts….. I am a much healthier person now and have a wonderful life!! Thank you for this wonderful video! I needed it! 😊

[@xNobleSavagex]

I have NEVER EVER heard it said this way before. Everybody...EVERYBODY, including therapists, say things like "You have to forgive them and move on." or "You have to confront him and clear the air." or "Maybe THEY had a tough upbringing." or "They did their best." These folks don't seem to have trouble undermining and trivializing your trauma with that nonsense. THANK YOU DR RAMANI for giving me a sense of clarity and validating the approach that took me years of heartache to build. 'Bout damn time someone kept it real.

[@NovaRae91]

THIS. Something I learned recently in an podcast about Narc abuse is that you will never find reconciliation with them because everything is a competition and they need to remain superior. It's not up to us to find the right words, or forgive or "clear the air" because they will never understand your perspective. Personally I find that very painful but also incredibly liberating as part of the healing process that it isn't a YOU problem. Sending love and wishing you the best for your recovery from this trauma 💜

[@xNobleSavagex]

@@NovaRae91 Good words, thanks!

[@AR-vu4hr]

It sounds like those therapists lack competence in recognising what the issues are and / or have no understanding of narcissistic family systems. I can only imagine the frustration of dealing with a therapist who adds their voice to all the gaslighting enablers, instead of helping you to heal from it.

[@whereisyourhumanity7557]

I ask: "what did those people ever do for you, that you should take their side? What makes you think that you know anything about their actions and behaviors and motivations? What makes you even think that you could know more about them than I do? Maybe it's really exactly the exactly the way that I'm telling you. Can you let that idea penetrate for a moment? There are abusive parents, you know. You do watch the news?"

[@SuperTinosh]

​@@AR-vu4hrI had the same reaction. I've never met a therapist who sided with the narcissist parent to the detriment of the patient in front of them, but that would be awful.

[@GenuineLeigh]

Is anyone else AMAZED when they read about Narcissistic parents and realize how textbook the experience is? I've read books that list out common phrases that a Narcissistic parent might say. It's like, ✅...✅....✅!!!!! It's so uncanny that the first time I read such a list, I literally looked around the room like I'd just realized my entire childhood was on candid camera. 😳

[@Riefenstahl7]

So true! And those uncanny words do not even differ from culture or language

[@blessed7927]

✅

[@CgColleenGorman]

YES!! It’s scary, almost. At times when reading a book or listening to these videos from Dr. Ramani, and seeing how their narcissistic tendencies and behavior checks ALL of the boxes, I start to have a panic attack to the point were I pass out or come very close to passing out. Awakening to this reality of having a narcissistic mother and an enabling family is extremely difficult. Thankfully, we’re not alone. 🙏🏽

[@gillianford9208]

I know!!!! It's uncanny!!!

[@rimashihabi5510]

Hey can you list one of those books, i would like to try thanksss

[@Valveus]

I remember having an argument with my narc mother, and she actually said 'well, I kept you didn't I? And fed and clothed you, I could have put you in a home'. As Dr Ramani said, they expect you to be grateful to them for doing the bare minimum

[@kas97168]

Yup

[@jackiemcging1943]

As a 57 year old Mum, I hold my hand up to glibly uttering similar words when stressed. Quite by an opportune remark I realised how this made me feel when I was venomously spoken to with these same words by my Mother and I immediately worked on strategies to know how to deal with it if my stress level trigger a negative reaction. It takes work to break down why certain behaviours were 'the norm'. i was 52 when I became aware of this label, narcissist. It was the reason my mentor at work had left her partner. Parental narcs help us grow, there's nothing we can do about it except learn from it. How to spot these effects early in a child's life maybe or having life lessons in schools dealing with emotional or relationship issues where children are encouraged to talk to each other about these things in a structured setting. Gratitude nourishes the Soul

[@catbeingcurious]

Happy to hear someone acknowledge how much mother's day sucks for some

[@KainMalice]

“Why arent you upset about your mom passing away?? She was a great lady!!” No, she just wore her mask well….

[@JJ-iq8mi]

My mum has recently passed away. Reading people's comments about her in sympathy cards is like reading about another person.

[@patchlange]

I remember people reminiscing about my mother at her funeral, how much fun she was, what a great lady, generous, blah, blah, blah! I had NO idea who they were talking about! They were using my mother's name, they were at her funeral, but I knew a whole side of evil that no one but very few of us knew about.

[@melissaterrell7696]

@@patchlange I can relate to you. Would love to talk to you. My mother was very much the same.

[@kelly0074]

Unless you are their child.

[@kelly0074]

Mask= nobody sees the REAL them except you 🙄 almost unbelievable to others! But when they know you know it's very hard for them to NOT show themselves.

[@learningtoliveagain7967]

I have listened to this twice now. It is my validation that I am not crazy, she really is a narcissist. I get really tired of everyone saying "she really does love you", "she's the only mother you'll ever have", or my favorite "she needs you". What about what I needed as a child, or even as an adult? So tired of the gaslighting, and of second guessing my own feelings. Your video gives me some peace in my chaotic mind. 💜

[@amarnamizelle8432]

I get tired of the “your father really loved you though” comments. You know what you went through. It’s imperative that you love and protect yourself without explanations or apologies.

[@kaedatiger]

With mothers like that, who needs one?

[@kaedatiger]

@hello I was being facetious. Obviously children need caretakers, but a lot of us had to raise ourselves because our birthgivers were inadequate.

[@amg726]

learningtolive again.......I can so relate. Well-meaning friends and other family members don't get it and then they end up gaslighting you all over again (not meaning to of course). YOU know the truth. And others in our community know it, too. Validation is crucial!

[@poulomi__hari]

When you love someone, you give them unconditional love. You barely say it, rather prefer to show it. You buy gifts for the people ypu love, wish them on their birthdays. My mother hasn't wished me happy birthday for I donno how many years. We live under the same roof but we never speak. We are not even civic to each other. I don't remember the last time she SHOWED her love. When I was around 12-13 years old, I had opened my heart and confronted her about this. You will never believe what she said. "Am I supposed to hug you? Kiss you? Carry you in my arms? Aren't you too old for all that?"

[@andradumitrescu5838]

I cried when you said that I will feel relief when they'll pass away. I know it's true. I thought about it so so many times. But hearing from someone else, feeling seen on such intimate thoughts, feeling understood by someone who doesn't even know me... Hit a lot

[@Trintron46]

My first narcissistic abuser died this year and I felt so weightless when I was told he had died. I finally felt freer to walk in my own world, even though I had gone "no contact" six years before his death. Do not feel bad for being happy when it does happen. Their death allows so much fear to dissipate and it feels wonderful.

[@roshinipariraj4687]

Yes we truely love our parents thats why have huge impact on our lives...but all parents need to leave us one day and will live with us thru genes.. We will always love them no matter how they were to us.

[@TheSacredwoman3]

I had two narcissistic parents, and I endured hell with them. I hung in there for decades to prevent estrangement, enduring verbal & emotional abuse. I reached a breaking point in 2005 and I broke off with both of them (they lived to be 89 and 91...I couldn't tough it out anymore). I was so relieved when my mother died in 2011 at age 89. She had threatened suicide daily since she was 50. I felt she was finally dead as she had wanted. My father died in 2015 at age 91 - when I got the call, I felt utter relief that I was finally free for the first time in my life! The world feel hopeful, flowers were prettier, people were nicer!!!!! My NEW life!!! This "prisoner" daughter was set free and had the keys in HER hand!!! (Yes, I was co-dependent & needed lots of therapy).

[@vanessapetrea2490]

Big hugs 🤗 It was such a relief not to have them in my life ever again. I shut my dad out after my Mother died, as I only had contact with him sometimes when I was caring for my Mother during her longterm illness. I had no reason to be around that mean person ever again. I had no regrets ending any contact. None. 10ish years later he died. I didn’t care. I had no feelings for him. I still have capacity to love and care for others, and that wasn’t broken from me. Thank goodness I can love and have compassion. You’re doing great!!! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 Talk to that little child inside each day. Encourage and give love to them. That child is you! And you matter! You are wonderful! You deserve good things!! You are a beautiful, smart, kind, loving person! You matter! You are enough and you don’t have to prove it to anyone!!! 🤗🤗🤗♥️

[@amandakropen3273]

I'm relieved that mine has passed. Don't miss her at all!

[@skeeter-q4q]

Seeing all the comments from all you makes me feel I'm not alone and there are people who completely understand where I'm coming from. Thanks to all of you.

[@caroleminke6116]

💔❤️‍🩹♥️

[@1GR8LMFT]

“Having a narcissistic parent is a special kind of Hell.” 😔

[@randomisland2872]

I could not say it better Vulnerable Living !!!

[@randomisland2872]

It is the most hellish kind of Hell🔥

[@user-hv8bo4ie2v]

An inescapable hell when you’re a child at that. 😞

[@marjoriemascheroni8034]

My father used to say to me when he was alive: " if anything happens to me and you're still in the house, get out immeadiately...Your mother is going to turn your life into hell... He was absolutely right! Since he passed away in december 2008, that's all that she's done with gaslighting and selfishness...

[@brettweary8491]

@@marjoriemascheroni8034 Absolutely True Marjorie

[@Natsume-fan]

Holidays were always a special hell. To this day, 35 years later I still can’t enjoy any holiday or my own birthday.

[@sagar-lm1ci]

been there 😥

[@damondarkwalker]

Yes. I absolutely hate holidays, and the bigger the holiday the more I hate it. :(

[@pa2359]

Make your days special yourself, now you know so use those techniques like radical acceptance, stone walling. Your past is Over, today is yours.

[@FreedomofSpeech865]

@@pa2359 yesss

[@emmajohn4476]

Omg..its the same for me as well. I still dread holidays

[@AshaGlenn]

"Some days acceptance won't work and that's okay." Do you understand how powerful that statement is? The one thing people want to abused children to do the most is "just get over it." They don't give us credit for all the days that we're strong enough to accept it, but there is ongoing shame for having a bad day, and being overwhelmed by the negative emotion. I think this is the first time I've heard somebody say that it's okay, and that this isn't an indication of a failure to heal. 😭😭

[@taisiyagogolauri4950]

yea never heard that from anyone too. Not only you're trying to live with this trauma but in worst days you blame yourself even more :((((

[@chaimomma9198]

Oh yeah, I heard that “get over it”.

[@McFraneth]

Distance yourself from fools who would say such a hurtful stupid thing. Discuss with only a very few people.

[@tracytaylor3836]

right and saying how you have to forgive them. i find it impossible to forgive

[@blueshoes915]

Yes. There is so much out there about, “accepting your role” in the relationship and “victim blaming/shaming” but when it’s your parent, you have no responsibility for your “role” in it. It’s so damaging to hear these things, even from some claiming to be helping people who have been narcissistically abused. Dr. Ramani does no victim shaming and explains so well how horrific it is having a narcissistic parent/s. I’ve come a long way in my healing but still have far to go. I like to listen to Dr Ramani sometimes to keep my doubt away and keep focused on myself and my healing and not my narcissistic mother or enabler family. She’s good at validating but also keeping the focus on your healing.

[@dynamic9560]

"You were robbed." Yes. Plain and simple. Thank you, Dr. Ramani ❤ It's the sad truth, and I still grieve the childhood I had (as well as the one I didn't have), but hearing you say this feels incredibly validating.

[@JC-bu6vl]

Raised by a single narcissist mother with the emotional maturity of a 2 year old. I'm terrified of this woman. I have always been.

[@gabrielahimsa4387]

dont be terrified tho, better learn how the wolf hunt than being scared of the wolf and scared to learn his tactic. no harm here but you feed her with your terror.

[@Catherine_Kate]

Gabriel Email So beautifully put. I’d prefer the wolf any day - at least they don’t play victim!

[@pinkyredux4965]

Since I can remember, I have always said "when I mess up, I’m more afraid of my mom than the police" and she seemed rather pleased/proud when it was said.

[@gigimohea6209]

It's interesting how deep that terror is. I deal w this "back of my mind" terror all the time & iit'sso deep it is hard to trace the thoughts. Got a good look once when I was doing some work on my own project with my own money as a grown woman - my stuff, my money, my plan, my everything - but I kept feeling this weird nervousness as I was loading some material I was working with. Nagging, heckling me from deep in my psyche. Then I "heard" my uncle berating me for using too much & I "heard" my father berating me & then imagined the guy who delivered the material berating me for not using enough (& he never had)... my ability to just do something I want to do was broken and that was 15 yrs ago. It has only gotten worse bc the people in my life are those who dont get it & those who do it so... can't seem to undo it bc so much of my brain is built on top of it.

[@SusanKG]

I understand that terror. When I finally went no contact with my mother, the shit hit the fan. She lost her mind. She doubled down on every awful thing she ever accused me of. She even started calling my place of work and spewed garbage to my bosses/coworkers about me. Who does that? Only the devil herself. It was as if I always understood subconsciously that if I ever dared cross her, she would drag me through the mud, and boy, did she make good on that. I literally thought I would lose my job. Fortunately I didn't and one of my coworkers sternly told her off. That ended the phone calls. I never resumed contact. She has kept up a smear campaign for over 30 years. She is 91 now. Her time is coming. I shall feel a sense of relief when that day comes--not because she is gone but because she has to face her Maker. She can't scheme and manipulate her way out of that! My life is so much better without her, but the process of disentangling myself from her insanity almost finished me.

[@tandycorbin5601]

I began sobbing at "You were robbed." Thank you thank you for this work that you are doing.

[@juliethope1408]

and me. Can't count how many times I tried to include her in my life to have it backfire.

[@jessepaul6691]

Me too.😢

[@sanelisiwezungu1048]

Me too 😔

[@j.s.1816]

It is so validating to have this recognition.

[@MrSarojpal]

Mee to