Who You Find Attractive Is Based on How Hot You Are | Dan Ariely | Big Think

Who You Find Attractive Is Based on How Hot You Are
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People who are very attractive care more about attractiveness in a mate, while unattractive people want a partner who is kind and has a good sense of humor.
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DAN ARIELY:
Dan Ariely is the James B Duke Professor of Psychology and Behavioral Economics at Duke University. He is the founder of The Center for Advanced Hindsight and co-founder of BEworks, which helps business leaders apply scientific thinking to their marketing and operational challenges. His books include Predictably Irrational and The Upside of Irrationality, both of which became New York Times best-sellers. as well as The Honest Truth about Dishonesty and his latest, Irrationally Yours.
Ariely publishes widely in the leading scholarly journals in economics, psychology, and business. His work has been featured in a variety of media including The New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Washington Post, Boston Globe, Business 2.0, Scientific American, Science and CNN.
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TRANSCRIPT:
Question: What is "assortative mating?"
Dan Ariely: So "assortative mating" is the idea that if you took all men and you ranked them on how attractive they are, from the most attractive to the least attractive and you rated all women from the most attractive to the least attractive, and you can think about attractiveness as built, being built from lots of stuff-like it’s not just beauty, it could be beauty and intelligence and so on-but if you created this, it was mostly about beauty, but, you know, if you created that, it turns out that the most attractive would date the most attractive. The middle attractive would basically date the middle, and the low would date the low. Now, there could be slight deviations, but that’s what happened, and why? Because if you’re at the top and you’re a guy, you can pick anybody you want, so you would pick a woman who’s in the top and if she’s at the top, she could pick anybody she wants, she would pick you.
So now the question is, what happens to people in the middle? You know, most of us. Or, what happens to people in the middle, how do we make sense of where we are in the social hierarchy? And for me that thought actually became very kind of crucial and apparent when I got injured. So here’s what happened: you grow up, and you have some kind of space in society and you know basically where you are and you know who would date you and who would not date you, who is kind of outside of your league, in general terms, and you know where you fit in the social hierarchy. And I knew where I was in the social hierarchy, but one day I got badly injured. And, you know, I couldn’t think about romantic stuff for a long time, but when I could, all of a sudden I started wondering about where do I fall now in the social hierarchy? I was trying to think about, do I fall in the same place? I’m kind of the same person inside, but I look much less attractive. Right? And would the women who would date me before would keep on dating me now? And I said, "Why would they? They have other options, right? I’m not the only guy in the world."
So it was kind of a very difficult concept for me to think about where do I fall? Like I fell differently on the social hierarchy, I basically lost my space all of the time and I was trying to understand how this social dance happened and how we find our place. And I was really wondering about where would I find my own mate? Where would I fit in this, in this scale? And there was a lot of personal complexities with it. But eventually it led me to a study, and the study was really asking the question of how do we make sense of where we fit in the hierarchy? And there are basically kind of multiple explanations, right? You could say, you never adjust. You never, if you're kind of in the middle range, or the low range and you only are, you have to date somebody else who is in the middle range, you never make peace with it. You wake up every morning, you look at your partner across your shoulder and you say, "Well, that's the best I could do. I really wanted more, sadly, you know, I have to admit my limitations, that's the most I could do." That means you don't adapt.
It could be that you adapt. It could be that, for example, if you're unattractive, you start looking at other features that are unattractive and see them as attractive. You remember the story f...
For the full transcript, check out bigthink.com/videos/who-you-f...

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[@kirbyystars9072]

hi

[@jonathanjollimore7156]

Thankfully women are less shallow then men looks matter but women are willing look at other attributes more then men do.

[@richsackett3423]

"They look good together" actually means they are similarly-attractive.

[@hjjkthn]

Fraud! Scientist.

[@ElegyVio]

Jesus is the truth .

[@blt4life112]

Physical appearance is only a factor until a person starts talking.

[@imagine1st381]

this is so true, if you approach a dude that's attractive as soon as he starts talking like a moron it's a huge turn off

[@richardgates7479]

Too bad the opposite only works with married women.

[@saoirseandreapatriciacrowl506]

Ugly people don't talk nicer either.. is all about the personality and what you got in your soul.

[@richardgates7479]

+Andrea Patricia Crowley What does that even mean? Have you even put any thought into why you were attracted to a person? I know for a fact that isn't the answer.

[@evilnick2885]

funny though because on a cold start looks are what get you to the talking stage. Its not like anyone is going to let an ugly person cold talk them somewhere.

[@BabyKrogan]

*looks over at empty space* well that's the best I could do.

[@user-cn4ci5wx1s]

Feelsbadman

[@Avant_gardens]

^oh god LOL

[@albertosg471]

Tragically funny...

[@captc502]

Guuurl empty space is beautiful and so are you ;)

[@Strikerage]

😂😂😂😐😐😐😐😯😯😯☹️☹️☹️😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[@AndromedaMarina]

I believe that personal experience plays a role in what seems attractive. For example, my parents were very attractive in their day, but most of my childhood memories of them are full of fighting and seeing them unhappy. When I was in high school, I never understood or felt physical attraction for the popular boys that half the school was lusting about. Eventually, I started dating my best friend, a man considered very unnatractive by my family and friends, but we did not care, we were madly in love, and still are, now happily married for almost 12 years :)

[@Nishantpatale9423]

Hope is alive

[@takhemai]

I guess you are unattractive

[@minuit6305]

@@takhemai not if thats her actual face

[@Eighteen19]

Oh man… that’s so nice ⛅️

[@renaldsunset]

What a wonderful comment

[@illegalhunter7]

imagine your partner looking over at you and saying to themselves, "welp, this is the best I could do" in a defeated tone. just another reason to just be single lol. not worth it.

[@kagaria]

AHAHAHAHA

[@emg618]

Hahaha, actually I had the same thought

[@juleeanng]

Hahahahaha

[@SuperAussm]

Oof, with that attitude your better off

[@Reshme77]

I know. I've been there Just do your best. Live life for you.

[@goukeal7640]

beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

[@graphthelord1994]

😂😂😂 lord of the beer cap

[@bittercaramel7652]

Omg 🤣

[@austinlincoln3414]

Lmao

[@auroraborealis13579]

You got me with that one! 😂

[@user-zw8lw3cv7l]

you made my day

[@whitenoise7980]

Huh, this explains my goblin fetish.

[@SODA63]

White Noise I'm done 💀😂

[@johnterran5295]

this deserves more likes

[@anzeid2013]

In that case, you must have fallen in love with the speaker..xd jk

[@JVan-ic6ic]

Fuck me, that was hilarious 😂

[@oxyrisin]

White Noise So funny!!!

[@stormchii]

My friend gets annoyed because I always find someone attractive. She calls me Shallow Hal because I think everyone’s cute lol it’s not my fault I can find beauty in everyone

[@nadadealer4435]

Lol same I’ll see a guy and go “woah he’s cute.” But then I normally get made fun of. But ayy they’re the ones missing out in my mind lol.

[@bigdiccmarty9335]

alex Calleros savage

[@rounaksinghbuttar9083]

According to the video’s logic, you’re a 1, that’s why you find everyone attractive. 😂 jk jk don’t freak out you’re beautiful!

[@xfaroutzx3637]

Lol this is the cutest comment ever....dont ever change!

[@ladybird491]

There is no such thing as an ugly person unless they evil and mean.

[@nacho_ncam]

My entire dating life I dated guys who were not conventionally attractive and I was always asked "why are you with him?" or "you can do better than him". I just shrugged it off. When i got older I finally realized what attracted me to the men I dated and it was self-confidence/swag. THAT'S what I find attractive.

[@qazedc3]

I've also dated some of these and confidence is honestly a big factor. Also the last guy who I ended up hurt by - I didnt really find him attractive on the first date but we ended up having a lot of chemistry and I felt the mental/emotional connection to him. So it overthrew the looks part because after the first time I didnt even see his looks anymore. Just what I felt for him. And I'm sure this is the same reason why many women will date "down" in terms of looks because we are less superficial than guys generally and will care about personality.

[@JustMe-ob3nw]

Same with me

[@shannonregan5588]

@@qazedc3 I women are also conditioned to be "chosen" rather than the "choosers" and to want to be desired. These factors are another big contributor to women dating partner that they wouldn't have normally found attractive. The feeling of being wanted by someone feels great to everyone and people with a higher need for this are more susceptible to eschewing prior standards if someone comes along and makes them feel this way. Anyone, of any gender, could have a higher need to be desired than normal because of traumatic formative experiences, but societal gender norms mean that women are more inclined to this.

[@moreliquorinmycoffee]

That's true for women. With men it's alot to do with looks, women are just more beautiful in general anyways.

[@dark_sunset]

Hello. I am Mr. Swagalicious.

[@pleasedontmakeitalotoffun6639]

we accept the love we think we deserve.

[@ginasalinas2731]

Flew right over your head hun

[@moondog7694]

@@ginasalinas2731 Why do you say this?

[@ginasalinas2731]

@@moondog7694 It's funny you ask because I honestly can't remember and I was just looking back through here and watching the video again trying to figure out why I said that. I have a bad memory and sometimes I'm on KZbin after I take my sleeping pill at night so. Your guess is as good as mine.

[@ginasalinas2731]

@@moondog7694 maybe I was referring to the fact that attractiveness and love don't necessarily have anything to do with each other. Who knows

[@user-qb3bw4lu4e]

Is that the line from 500 Days Of Summer?

[@dougpatterson7494]

He did say something along the lines of "however you choose to rate attractiveness". Smart people are more likely to be attracted to smart people as well. Ambitious people are more likely to be attracted to other driven people .

[@dougpatterson7494]

andrew T I am not saying in all cases but it is a tendency. Your reasoning is probably why most of my close friends are, no offense meant to them, beneath me intellectually. For friends it can be desirable for more intelligent people to hang out with more typical people. Personally for a girlfriend and possibly wife one day I am okay if she's less intelligent than me, but not considerably. I'll flirt with cute, dumb girls (briefly dated a couple of those), but I don't find 'dumb' attractive and lack of ambition is just too different from my personality to work.

[@dougpatterson7494]

andrew T Give and take can be an issue regardless of intelligence. I don't desire a romantic relationship with a subordinate. I'd prefer a partner that I can work with because we can both admire each other. Not just "she usually listens to whatever I say because I'm smarter."

[@dougpatterson7494]

andrew T If she is generally compatible and isn't stuck up about it (intelligence) I don't think it would be a problem. I'm confident enough to say I'm among the smarter individuals in society but not cocky as to think it makes me special. Being in the "smartest 5-10%" doesn't mean there aren't millions with superior intelligence. Are you willing to date someone smarter than yourself if the "generally compatible" and "not stuck up about intelligence" criteria are met?

[@dianamiller1956]

andrew T -I would.THINK I did. But I'm smarter than him in other aspects.Think we are equal in different ways.

[@scottk1525]

There's a BIG difference between finding someone attractive, and wanting to BE with that person. The former doesn't change much based on intelligence or ambition.

[@kimjongun365]

I don't understand KZbin recommendations so here I am, your favorite Supreme Leader.

[@betun130]

I thought you had KZbin blocked, oh supreme leader.

[@Shooterpirat]

Hey bro

[@betun130]

@Aashi Batra Potatoes are best when chubby.

[@Ignatz71]

Sing Gangnam Style again, please!!

[@gregthestoner6401]

It's KZbin's polite way of saying "there's still hope for you...."

[@HansHammertime]

Don’t look at your “range” just go for whoever you find interesting

[@ClarkPotter]

People on the whole operate this way whether you intend to or not. But hey, try believing your own stuff and maybe it'll work out for you. That's the only way things change and great things happen anyway.

[@checkmattee222]

💯

[@therabbithat]

Yeah it seems like he's talking about 15 year olds.. only a small percentage of adults are this shallow. Being attractive helps but we usual end up with people with similar interests who remind us of our parents

[@kingmufasaa]

I was a 4 when i was in school nerdy and lanky. By the time I was in college i grew tall to become a 5. Then I started lifting weights to add 1 more. Then I started rehearsing catchup lines and learnt dating techniques to add 2 more. I landed up a decent job to add required 2 more. Now that when I have everything to be a 10 i realized that I am 70 year old.

[@yuhansungscoffee4565]

lolll

[@shubhamaupman7069]

Hemant P 😂

[@islandgirlxx3465]

LMAO

[@bradcx1546]

Hemant P 😂🤣

[@MissVintage2000]

LMFAO😂😂😂

[@Bootlegeus]

Didn't expect to find so much depression in this comment section.

[@jules-dl2sm]

People are really insecure these days.

[@MoniBahaa]

I did!

[@Biscuitolivia3561]

jules people are more insurcure because of social media

[@gogetavsvegito]

Gee it’s almost as if business make profit off of peoples distorted self image.

[@philip_si]

They have lost sense of themselves.

[@robertbeaman5761]

You've ignored the top 1% where attractiveness does not matter...musicians.

[@jtcrook32]

You mean famous and/or rich.

[@pinchebruha405]

But then there’s pic up trucks!

[@ashishgeorge3950]

As a musician...I can say...They wont stay

[@ClarkPotter]

@@ashishgeorge3950 How famous are you?

[@rumaisyahqa]

Musicians are always hot indeed

[@robotone2812]

I married an actress who was drop dead gorgeous and a celebrity in her country. I was the envy of many. Turns out, she was a toxic, narcissistic, abusive person and we divorced after a couple of years. My current girlfriend is physically pleasant looking and a wonderful human being. Kind, emotionally mature, loves me. In the real world, Attractiveness isn’t measured by physical appearance alone. It is the whole package.

[@qazedc3]

Lol when men go for the beauty only can you expect anything less?

[@JustMe-ob3nw]

What country?

[@PSYCHIC_PSYCHO]

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

[@PSYCHIC_PSYCHO]

@@aaayyy1953 An average rating makes someone a 6, which is fairly good; but majority of men are brainless thinking the most attractive are the ones to go for.

[@theprinceoflight15]

​@@aaayyy1953I guess it's ok even if she's average looking.

[@JustCallMeElle]

I think it is more correct to say "It's based on HOW HOT YOU THINK YOU ARE." Coz there are unattractive people who Think they are very attractive or hot and they will of course choose someone that they think are as hot as them even though they're out of their league in reality and there are physically beautiful people who have low self-esteem and will therefore choose someone whom they think will not look at physical beauty.

[@roxanas6074]

Yes!!! That's what I thought when I read the title of the video and clicked on it just to read the comments. Seriously now, just look around and you'll see that the looks don't actually matter. How hot you think you are is what it's all about!

[@LemonSte]

yuppp, or they hate themselves and their appearance but they still feel entitled to the awe of theirs. COUGH incels COUGH

[@kylemutti2992]

JustCallMeElle spot on

[@alesiajackson5922]

Its wierd. How the hell do you even know someone is attractive. What may be ugly to you is seen as beautiful to someone else. What may be beautiful to you is seen as ugly. As for me, I had low self esteem, but the more i started loving myself and realizing how beautiful I am, I only see attractive guys I really do like actually giving me attention. I also learned I can care less how someone sees me. Someone elze may see me as ugly but I already know who I am i dont need any freaking body's opinion. Confidence is key. Im beautiful regardless if people see it or not.

[@squamish4244]

Well...I was a painfully shy kid who realized sometime around 16-17 that I was actually a model-level man in terms of physical attractiveness. It helped *enormously* in my self-confidence, as the moment I started mixing in society, women would jump through hoops to get my attention. Did it solve my other problems? God no. So yes, it is much easier in the dating world. Hasn't stopped me from ending up in the hospital due to panic attacks, however. My genetic inheritance meant both good looks and an OCD, constantly anxious, intermittently suicidal mind. I'd still rather have this than not have good looks and have all the rest too.

[@victorcardenas5666]

"I'm above average" is what 90% of the population says

[@cigh7445]

I'm excessively average

[@alexprz7102]

I'm so average that I don't even know math.

[@lionelronaldo7156]

Meh I always say I'm like a 4

[@fumblyfingers901]

Hhahahaha

[@Rizkii_-]

@@lionelronaldo7156 you’re a 10 to me

[@fiandrhi]

The sad thing is that almost everyone gets ugly as they age. So if you're selecting a spouse by attractiveness alone or primarily, you are dooming yourself to disappointment. Those selecting for sparkling personality, wit, and charm, will be satisfied with their mate for longer. So, beautiful people, by all means, go for the hotties, but pay attention to their personalities. Ask yourself if you really want to spend 50 years of your life with that personality. Take it from an old guy who's pushing 55, it's a really important question.

[@Sean-dl8ym]

I mean this is why I make and keep friends with people whose personalities I love. You don't have to settle down with someone just because you're sleeping with them

[@shannonregan5588]

wouldn't a couple's attractiveness steadily decline mostly in pace with each other though? so they would still be on the same level on that front which doesn't disprove his point. he also never said the hotties were all inclined to let attractiveness outweigh being a pos.

[@zeppkfw]

You can age beautifully if you go to the gym, and watch your caloric intake so you don't look like a saggy meatsack and eat healthier as you grow older so you're not sickly. Sick people are unattractive and a lot of americans are sick because of the diet.

[@squamish4244]

@@shannonregan5588 Also, you still know who is on 'your level' at whatever age you are. My grandmother, who was a beauty in her youth, was 80 years old and still liked men her age who back in the day would have been considered hunks.

[@thecrownprince888]

some people age like fine wine, like me. I’ll definitely grow increasingly handsome as I grow older. To like Griffith tier, but alas, it will fade slightly but not all the way. Even when i’m Old i’ll be handsome. plus i’ve got violet eyes to

[@hitindahead]

Sounds like people who are less attractive end up with higher quality relationships.

[@davidpereira9058]

Makes sense though right - when you're looking for a mate based on the attraction league you know you got your partner because of your looks. When that starts to fade - it's like trying to stay dry on a sinking ship.

[@salvatoremaximus6754]

@@davidpereira9058 well said

[@Reshme77]

@@davidpereira9058 deep man

[@Ellifmusic]

@@davidpereira9058 %100 !! 🙏🏼maybe that’s why god created me so imperfect :)

[@graws7009]

Sounds like flawed logic

[@liquididentity101]

You forgot to factor in self-esteem. Poor self-esteem can cause you to date lower than you normally would. Overconfidence or high esteem can lead you to date those more attractive. So you could edit the video title to "Who You Find Attractive is Based on How Hot You Think You Are

[@leeiam978]

That's actually what I interpreted the title as before I watched it.

[@rocketlioness]

True.

[@mattmexor2882]

They didn't forget. They said what they meant. How hot someone thinks he is might affect how hot he is and vice versa, however what they tested in their study was how hot other people find the person, i.e., how hot he is. They didn't test how hot each person thinks he is. That would be much harder to accurately test.

[@sbdxaric]

Also how much you value how hot other people think you are, and how valuable you find that- which is all included in his statement

[@chrislewis7027]

He said there were of corse a few outliers

[@discountconsulting]

People who are very physically attractive can also prioritize other traits besides physical attractiveness. Who wants to date a gorgeous person with off-putting personality traits?

[@scottmathers8985]

I agree. I find quite a few very attractive people when it comes to dating and choosing a bg/gf make a fuss about the non physical criteria. I tend to believe they are genuine in what they say, but its also a bit of mis-direction too when it comes to them downplaying looks and not being shallow in that regard, as they pretty much only ever date/hookup with very good looking people. They do very much care about good looks but because they have a lot of options they can also have numerous other elements on their partner tick off list. They don't have to trade off on some of the other elements important for compatibility just to get someone they think is hot, unlike some people further down the totem pole.

[@discountconsulting]

Scott Mathers Dating is complex. A lot of people look good in many different ways. It's the same with everything really. If you tried to pick out clothes, or a place to live,or anything else purely by looking for the best-looking thing, you would end up making sacrifices in other areas that might be more important. You don't have to forego good looks to be choosy in other ways, in other words. Now, the funny thing is that people can rationalize accepting all sorts of weaknesses besides unattractiveness for the sake of getting an attractive partner. We think they'll change for the better, or we can just ignore short-comings, etc. whereas it's hard to ignore visually off-putting traits. But ultimately, those non-visual shortcomings will cause unhappiness and relationship failure when the charm of good looks fades due to familiarity. So what really makes for a sustainable relationship? Nothing. All relationships are doomed. If you don't get tired of each other enough to separate, one or both will eventually die and end it that way. It's far better to learn to live happily without a relationship. Then, when you do end up in one for whatever reason, it's not as bad when it breaks down and leaves you single yet again.

[@JewTube001]

Who? Lots of fucking people. Gorgeous people with personality flaws have no problems getting dates.

[@scottmathers8985]

JewTube Absolutely. Beautiful looking people with crappy morals or personality have no problems getting dates, casual sex or flings. Getting a long term relationship will be a little harder though due to their flaws, but plenty of people will give them a go simply because of their looks. Lots of people ignore red flags when they are besotted with someone they find hot.

[@durcheinander5554]

Sadly, it's a lot easier to be a nice, balanced person when you're good-looking. People treat you differently then, so it's easier to keep a positive judgement of people and the world in general and to be open and caring to others... If you're ugly, or have some kind of deformation like his guy, then you see the truth about people, how pointlessly cruel they can be. We're a species of shallow bitches and it's not even our fault. Nature.

[@jeremyruch5095]

HIMYM said it best: Every relationship has a reacher and a settler.

[@4everu984]

My husband was an adonis and me a troll, over the years I shaped up and he gained weight...now we match! 😹😹😹

[@blueix9]

My wife is a few levels higher than myself. I actually feel kinda bad for her.

[@apathfinding9294]

dude she is your wife, dont be

[@rebeccah7250]

Love this comment 😆

[@servantsochrist]

well you have to get over it...unfortunately those are the cons of choosing someone above your league....get over the insecurities....Just accept how you feel and have a positive outlook despite that you have to move on

[@nobutreally5948]

blueix9 Dude, she married you, she loves you, she doesn't care. Don't think like that.

[@user-rx3js1no3s]

Lol means she's cheating on the regular bro

[@llllllllllllily]

I noticed this too getting out of high school. good looking people date goodlooking people. average looking people date average looking people. most people stay in their lane. of course as an average looking girl and being a stupid teenager this just caused me to be very bitter. now I just accept it and try to enjoy my job and hobbies. in the end we are all souls and we all die. some of us get nicer looking meat suits some of us don't.

[@omegasrevenge]

+llllllllllllily Live and let live, I agree. What I don't agree with is that you have no choice over your fate. You are correct in implying that some people have a genetic advantage, like Albert Einstein being born with a slightly bigger brain and Isaac Newton having autism that enabled him to be one of the greatest physicists alive, and yet there are plenty tools to change your life. You could go out there and change yourself at any moment. You could start working on your looks your entire free time, you could work on your speech and mannerisms and wit constantly. Point is, you could change yourself to be on the very top of the attractiveness bar, most people are simply too lazy to do it, and are happy with what they've got. If you are happy with your life as it is, then it is indeed a choice and not fate. Do not confuse choice for fate.

[@omegasrevenge]

+lcuel That is because you attribute your success in life in finding a good mate for yourself in what your body looks like, while in fact scientific research has shown that impressing a person through wit and knowledge alone is enough to make other people fall into romantic love with one another. That is beside the point however! When I was half my age, I hated any kind of make-up, since I saw it as an illusion people were using to appear as someone they weren't. Later I realized that that sentiment is an inherently fascistic one, to attribute the worth and values of a person through his genetics. If you truly wanted to - you could dedicate enough time into mastering the art of make-up so that you could look like anyone you wanted to. I have seen the most masculine of men look like women even under the inquisitive eye simply because they were so good at masquerade. Let me get to the point: Nature and Evolution has long since realized that prettying yourself up to seem more attractive is a very powerful strategy for reproduction; and it works fully with humans. You could get anyone you wanted if you worked hard enough to achieve it.

[@omegasrevenge]

lcuel Of course men want pretty women. Just like women want handsome men; it is a sign of health that evolution gave us to chose a mate that was not close to dying from disease or old age. The proof that we went past that, that we can decide who to mate with beyond our most basic instincts dictated by the reptilian part of our brain is proof that we Homo Sapiens Sapiens are intellectually superior to reptilians in the first place. Do yourself a favor, try to intentionally fall in love with someone who doesn't value you only for your looks. While this may sound cliché, I personally do not believe that that is enough basis for a healthy relationship. But this is just my personal opinion and must be taken with a grain of salt. There is a reason evolution installed a mechanism in our brains that makes us automatically more tolerant to people we love than others.

[@garymichael8591]

+abschussrampe Except for a persons height, plus the shaving of body hair,by men another hoax being forced by the advertising industry.

[@Drag0nzeyes]

+llllllllllllily meat suits are a good way to put it.

[@khills242]

My heart goes out to this man for having gone through the experience that he did. We tie so much of our self worth into our dating prospects that it can make us blind to the value of our character; to either our weaknesses or our strengths. Beauty may only be skin deep, but our society has a despicable habit of distributing unfair treatment based off of this shallow metric.

[@user-df3op4jz1f]

Why? He shames people with defects too. Just because he scared doesn't mean he gets a pass. Fuk him.

[@natalie11116]

preach!!!!!

[@hacenwalker3323]

You nailed it!

[@eat_ze_bugs]

I've adjusted, now I'm asexual.

[@noelleirina5628]

Kevin Yeoh Asexual people date and want relationships too. And you can't choose your sexual orientation.

[@noelleirina5628]

Kris Deagle Don't care. Asexuality is something very few people understand. Not about to let the ignorance spread.

[@eat_ze_bugs]

Noelle Irina You must be fun at parties.

[@McMicahMcKinley]

Kevin Yeoh ily kevin😂😂😂😂😂

[@janakretzschmar8333]

Kevin Yeoh Let me guess you aren't asexual

[@JupiMeow]

I think about this a lot - people on the high end of a scale see people on the low end as lacking, whereas people on the low end don't see themselves as lacking, but rather judge themselves by a different scale. Great video!

[@Kitaeli]

I really believe experience plays a key portion here. I used to date really attractive men and was cheated on, held to extremely high standards for weight/looks, etc and it was exhausting and emotionally frustrating for me. So personally, I don’t date extreme lookers anymore because my experience has been that they know they are good looking and know they can have anyone they want so they don’t value you since they know you’re replaceable with some cute thing that’s younger/prettier/etc

[@vanessadeleon5386]

Believe me when I say that even the 4's are lying, cheating, dough bags. Not that I think that I am a 10, let alone an 8 but, I am pretty confident I am not a 2. After this video, I'm scared I just might be a 4 though. LOL. I did decide to date someone most of my colleagues thought was below my level but, I fell head over heels for that man. I still am. Sad thing is he ended up leaving me for someone else. It didn't last though. She broke up with him after a month.

[@theprousteffect9717]

Or just find better men.

[@dr.house.md.3969]

You all are just bad at reading people.

[@andrewbarrett1537]

People who think that you are 'replaceable' and not a unique individual, and will replace you with some 'cute young thing' are not high quality individuals. They are probably very shallow themselves and you would do better finding someone who is more faithful and for whom looks are not the end-all be-all. Most likely they're the type of person to advocate for plastic surgery as one gets older and all that junk. You don't need to waste your time with those people. It's funny what you say about 'good looking' people being jerks and knowing they can replace anyone. That has a ring of truth to it but it sure doesn't make things good for the 'good looking' people. They are the villains in the story and things often eventually don't turn out well for villains. But in any case, more realistically some 'really hot' people are jerks and others are more normal people despite their looks. So while it is a good rule of thumb to automatically assume someone is a selfish asshole if they are 'really hot' and be on your guard, do realize that some people aren't, so don't throw them all under the bus. There are also some 'not that hot' people who are big assholes too so be careful of this.

[@shannonregan5588]

he just said attractive ppl tend to value attractiveness more, not that attractiveness would outweigh being a pos.

[@Sandwich420]

When you don't have looks, personality is all you have left.

[@rounaksinghbuttar9083]

Mike Andrews nothing more true than this has been said.

[@w.kamaranjoku1712]

Mike Andrews nope, you NEED to make money

[@briannanickson6656]

intelligence ? common interests ?

[@checkmattee222]

No

[@checkmattee222]

It seems that alot of us are very small minded and materialistic.

[@scottk1525]

All these people in the comments pretending to be exceptions to the rule 🙄

[@glassofmilk7141]

Threw my mirror out. I'm an exception.

[@SapphosGalPal]

Humans need to feel special so implying to be the exception to the rule is a coping mechanism for the cruel indifference that is mating selection. We say we are more than just animals, looking for good features in ourselves, searching for a partner that will give our offsprings good genes. But we're more vain than we'd like to think. More driven by primal Instincts than we'd like to admit. And at the end none of it will have mattered. But we like to think that we are going to keep on living after our deaths, thanks to our children, grand children and so on. How strange that we don't want to let go of an existence that is more than likely agony from the start. We're nothing special, but most of us are even less special than the rest. Even these phrases of mine might be seen as an attempt to disguise myself as different than the rest of everybody else. Aren't we all at the end the same? Insecure souls in search of a spotlight that will gift us a moment to shine?

[@blackeuropean4700]

Legit. I would like this comment 1000 times if I could.

[@tengericsillag7865]

Not me.

[@PikUpYourPantsPatrol]

I've dated girls that I'm better looking than. I see it happen a lot, you need to get out more

[@hari7591]

What about Beyoncé and Jay Z tho

[@snipsnorpsmorble]

Angharad you got a good point there

[@mirageinmercuryshadow]

Angharad @ 1 word Power

[@Chepis96]

Maybe she also felt his ugly ass could never hurt her. And would be " safe " Since she's so fine he wouldn't risk doing something dumb to loose her. Yet he did.

[@Yates__]

*lose, not loose, you dolt Josefina. Learn how to spell.

[@Chepis96]

Carter lol nah I'm good thanks for the suggestion tho.

[@user-pp9df6ml6i]

Umm, there’s plenty of overweight older unappealing men that hit on young, fit good looking women despite not being anywhere near as attractive as her.

[@takhemai]

Thats money doing your work

[@Jewel_Screaming_Chango8387]

O experiencia

[@katiekindle9682]

Yeah but what they want and what they actually get are two very different things. They try to get those women and fail. Doesn’t stop them from trying though until they eventually end up with someone around their level. I don’t see many bald, short, older men with young fit good looking women - except maybe if you are in the 1% which is certainly not representative of the vast majority of us on this planet.

[@checkmattee222]

@@takhemai Exactly the point the commenter above is tryna make. The guy in the video is absolutely wrong.

[@slow.and.hot717]

I once dated a guy I really liked but considered objectivelly to be unattractive (not a 1, but a 3 let's say). This was not just because of his looks which were rather average with maybe a prominent nose and slim shape for a guy, but because of his lifestyle: he dropped out of elementary school, wasn't working anywhere, was hanging out with some bad crowd, had drug addiction and was hard to handle because of it, he came from a broken home, his family is poor, he spent time in jail for like fights, pott or petty theft - really a handfull of stuff wrong with him. I thought I would not have other girls fighting with me over him. Turns out, I was wrong. He turned out to be very attractive to girls and quite a womenizer. I still can't wrap my mind around it and it's been more than a decade. I litterally had at least 4 girls (that I can remember) picking fights with me because of him. Some of these girls were very unattractive, some very attractive - none of them were average. I don't know how to interpret that according to this video

[@Thuzinbhal]

As a man, clearly woman see those as quality "no job, difficult to handle, drug addict, ugly..." as a good reminder that being cool n chill will bring you nothing

[@carrie6073]

girls like guys who are in a relationship lol

[@BarriosGroupie]

Did you come from a similar background as him? The general advice from psychologists is to politely moderate your interaction with psychopaths/sociopaths by avoiding them as far as possible while being polite when you have to.

[@lfv3709]

Why did you really like him then? Makes no sense why you can’t wrap your head around why other girls liked him too. They would have seen in him what you had seen in him.

[@slow.and.hot717]

@@lfv3709 I have no clue. 😂 In all fairness, I believe there was a deeper psychological reason for it. Maybe he subconsciously reminded me of my father who was also very emotionally unavailable, narcissistic and abusive. I had a very sheltered life, but the stories from my father's youth are similar to the lifestyle of that guy when I knew him. I realized this when we got to a point where we started to fight a lot because he would use the same reasoning, sometimes the same sentences I already heard my father say. So yeah... What are the odds that it's the same situation with them as well?

[@nikolai3620]

Looks really do matter, though. I started dating my wife based on her appearance. It's only after courting her for some time that I fell in love with what was within which, of course, is what prompted matrimony. I don't think anybody looks at another person and thinks "Oh, I bet he/she is a gracious and hard worker!".

[@shadowboxing7029]

They matter up to a point. Being attracted to someone at a glance can encourage us to get to know that person. At the same time though I've dated friends I wasn't attracted to sexually, they weren't really my cup of tea looks wise but on a mental and emotional level we had a very strong connection. From there sexual attraction developed. It definitely plays a part, otherwise you'd just be friends but I don't think it's the glue of any relationship.

[@thehomiebearfifa3528]

Nik Murphy I do

[@MVenk]

Nik Murphy Looks do matter. They're obviously not the most important thing all the times, but they definitely matter. In my experience: I started dating a girl who I always found attractive physically, despite the fact that we have very different interests, tastes, etc. To make it short, I ended up falling for her after several months dating and knowing each other, but the starting point was the physical attraction.

[@nikolai3620]

This is what I was saying.

[@MVenk]

Nik Murphy Yes, and I share your opinion.

[@arpolice6232]

dude men look fucking bad ass with scars. dont let that hold you back

[@RightBlader]

MGTOW Police acne scars?

[@eduardolopez4520]

RightBlader yeah look at Danny trejo he looks bad ass

[@jacke2860]

Right, I have always loved my scars it's like a permenant reminder of how badass I am

[@demibellini6915]

MGTOW Police he's a scientist, he's brilliant actually. And he has this documentary on KZbin called (Dis)Honest, that's where I first saw him. It looks like maybe he's gotten some work done since this video, cause when I watched the documentary he looked a little different. All I thought was oh he must have had some kind of surgery around his mouth area. Idk coulda been the lighting or something. But yeah, smart is sexy, regardless of scars.

[@sasookay514]

says another guy

[@StrumVogel]

I’m a 5 who goes for 6’s and occasionally catches insecure 7’s...

[@grim_2000]

Wasn't that a line from that girl's stand-up... Taylor, I think

[@ummulkhair7219]

🤣 insecure 7

[@hlonilesito6767]

🤣🤣🤣

[@checkmattee222]

@rumba rumba you're not an 8 if that's you in your profile🥰

[@ftfyoungleon]

@rumba rumba lmao🤣😂😂😂🤣 you think you're an 8😂 then what is that thing is your pfp😂😂

[@TheJalenjdog14211]

Now I know why I like everyone... literally everyone

[@checkmattee222]

You actually believe what he's saying?

[@llgla]

If you value attractiveness a lot when you choose a spouse, keep in mind that a good looking ass is still an ass. Never overlook abusive behavior.

[@knowpain7470]

FUCKIN HATE WHITE PEOPLE THEY THINK THEY ALL THAT AND SHIT THEY GET EVERYTHING BLACK PEOPLE ARE HATED TOO MUCH LIKE

[@ralphfischer7238]

Did it ever occur to you that you might get treated differently because of your obvious personality flaws rather than your skin color?

[@llgla]

Super Poptropican Easy. Use your hand.

[@Jackknifegyp]

Too much gaming has ruined your Wernicke-Broca area of the brain pan, your cerebral cortex has collapsed. You have a greater chance at free money than any white bread and government mandates that you be treated as very special, with care, and politically correct references. You are a pansy, but that is beside the point of your yelling at us.

[@mattn1051]

llgla

[@ghenulo]

LOL! I wouldn't want someone as hideous as I am.

[@3lit3gn0m3]

Preach.

[@Princess_Pixie]

ghenulo same

[@shoddyworkmanship4934]

It's like that aphorism, "I wouldn't be a part of any club that would have me as a member."

[@brendanbirdfield1284]

Preach

[@lorenp9574]

Cut me deep brother.

[@TheSaladKing]

Looks only matter when you're sober.

[@nihilisticcannibal4477]

True dat.. I can fuck even a lamppost when I'm on meth. Lol 😂😂😂

[@---Dana----]

Don't over think physical attraction. It just happens. I met my husband 48 years ago when he was 20 and I was 19, and we were immediately attracted to each other and started dating. I almost lost him, though, because he fell so hard and fast that it scared me. I didn't think I was ready to commit for life, but he was a person of great character, loving and kind. I thought he was really cute, and he says I was a10 "with a mile of legs", but I think he was blinded by love. Anyway, just physical attraction is not enough. It will not sustain a long relationship.

[@tulinbeyduz920]

What sustained your relationship? Would he still rate you a 10

[@---Dana----]

@@tulinbeyduz920 ,I seriously doubt it, but I am 70. We're best friends, loving companions and very fortunate in life.

[@tulinbeyduz920]

@@---Dana---- that’s lovely 🥰

[@JaysonT1]

It doesn't sustain a relationship, but no relationship starts without it.

[@jackjack4412]

Are you still kicking?

[@rachaellj5781]

I feel like someone’s attractiveness is what draws you to them in the first place but if they don’t have a good personality, most people would be out.

[@checkmattee222]

But people don't like the same person, so really standards of beauty depend on each person individually making the phrase, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" true.

[@reno8494]

@@checkmattee222 Exactly , I find this video lacking when it comes to this aspect .. A lot of my friends would say a certain person is a 10 to them , but to me Id just admit that they are fine because of certain beauty standards that our society has... But me myself I have my own type , so does almost every person . Sure , because of global standards one could be conventionally attractive , but that doesnt mean that all people would see that person the same way.

[@JaysonT1]

@@checkmattee222 That's actually incorrect. The Golden Ratio is something to look up. Humans tend to find the same features attractive.

[@firestickamazon6349]

Shut up dummy

[@firestickamazon6349]

Idiot

[@lia-cr6ef]

Me: reads title *thinks back to all the guys I've found attractive* Me: BOY AM I HOT

[@jennag.5125]

Yahhhh me I'm like "well if I have standards that high…"

[@mazalrahamim9694]

I feel like a sense of inferiority could prevent you from dating someone hotter, even if they're attracted to you. Everytime a good looking guy found me attractive I became desperate and kept thinking they're gonna dump me for someone hotter. I had to have them by my side to prove myself that I could get them, that I somehow won in life, and that they're the solution to my self esteem isssues. Needless to say it didn't last long before we stopped seeing each other. I'm nowhere near looking like a model, maybe even below average. But even if I did, I still wouldn't feel good enough. I feel like I need to be the most attractive woman in the world, I need every single guy on earth to find me attractive. And if it doesn't happen than I'm a failure. It's painful

[@julitateles]

I believe there is a confusion in the way words are used. He uses the word 'attractive' to mean 'good looking'. But though 'good looking' is an essential feature of being attractive, 'funny' can also be attractive, having a nice voice is attractive, being generous is attractive, being a good listener is attractive, etc. So actually what he's saying is that people who aren't good looking know how to value other features of attractiveness. And I believe that's something everybody must learn as they age, because good looks don't last forever.

[@abigailt9197]

i will never have to worry about this. i stopped dating for life!

[@MissLaadyG]

Abigail T you're married, right?

[@Dingleberries]

+INTJ-Skorpyo7 fishing or likes i see? :P in the thread just above this you talked about how you had a model for an ex- girlfriend. clearly a 5

[@ghenulo]

Yeah, nor have I. I'm 37.

[@youtubeepicuser4209]

+INTJ-Skorpyo7 doubt you're an intj, but then again youre a 27 year old virgin so if you are then you're probably ugly ahaha

[@youtubeepicuser4209]

+INTJ-Skorpyo7 I doubt it because nobody above the age of 17 years old would flaunt their personality type. Also, cool story bro you got proof? I mean shit at least give a place where I can see your fave

[@goroakechi3593]

used to be a fairly unattractive girl, due to my weight , I was pretty humble about it, I used to hang around people who were particularly dorky like myself, because I didn't wanna be around anyone else because I would get made fun of, all of the social mannerism's of being a bigger girl eventually made me too upset, and drove me to be severely emotionally unstable, considering I couldn't even be around attractive people without them expressing how embarassing it is to be seen with me, I ended up losing loads of weight because of it but I'll tell you now , being considered a "very attractive person" after I dropped weight just made me even more upset. the fact that people now treat me better but now I have to deal with, knowing that these "people" who are my friends only like to be around me because I'm attractive, or guys only giving me a interest because I'm attractive, but probably the biggest struggle is ever since I dropped the weight I can't stand anyone I hang around, merely because I know how disgusting and vile and judgemental my "friends" are, but you can't stop them from being obnoxious trash, attractive people can't help themselves, too conceited. not to mention you'll find if you're above average the social standard for you changes and you'll find that none of your dorky friends feel good enough to hang out with you, new friends aren't nice to be around and a genuine person who actually understands you is nowhere, baha. people don't care about what you have to say anymore, its more about "hey are you coming to happy hour to drink tonight" and being ignored if you don't show up, and because of all of this i am irrational, people think im someone i am not. sometimes I sit and wonder "how good would it be to be fat again", untill I realise I'm physically healthier than I was currently and I like that. but seriously, even if you are....a lucky attractive person, doesn't mean everything is peaches and cream. my self esteem is just as low as it was beforehand 😂😂😂👏👏👏👏👌👌👌👌👌

[@GuyLogen]

I get what you mean. I do think part of this behaviour is hard wired into us. The behaviour or reaction of bring attracted to attractive things. We have to have the mental and emotional maturity to break away from purely judging someone by their looks. When we start to appreciate the other many good qualities that make up a human being we can start getting attracted to people of all shapes, sizes and looks.

[@Ronaldoisboss]

Goro Akechi I’m a pretty attractive guy, and I’m the friend that gets made fun of the most. Also, women almost never talk to me unless I do first. Maybe it’s different for women, or my personality is simply awkward. Idk. My experiences don’t really match yours.

[@GuyLogen]

@sn3192 they must have not been good friends. Or they have fallen for her but they themselves are awkward so they never make any moves to hang out and act shy.

[@luiginocharles9990]

Pics or didn't happen

[@rajinfootonchuriquen]

Clearly you have loww self esteem. Your loser friends feel comfortable maybe because your values are similar to them, and how they are looser it colued be a shitty one, like being humblw, political correct, and other than you share in common

[@TheLastProzacNation]

This is just a side of the story. People with higher IQs will want somebody who first of all fulfills their intellectual needs. I’m an attractive mid 20s woman and I get attention equally from all types of men - attractive/unattractive, smart/dumb, rich/poor etc, and while I am more attracted and would like to date the equally attractive men, to me that’s not a priority at all because I’ve been out with enough attractive men to know that I get bored of that quite quickly. So, saying that if you’re hot you only want to date other hot people is superficial. Yes, many hot people do that, because they can, but it’s not a rule.

[@betun130]

@TheLastProzacNation Yes, but you went out with them, didn't you, so now you are branching out because of the variety aspect. If you had a high cost of switching out of a dating choice and you still decided to date unattractive for some other aspect then I would buy your argument. I eat all kinds of foods and like them but if I had to choose a meal plan that had locked in food options I would really go with my top choices and would then also understand better what my top foods are.

[@andrewbarrett1537]

Yes, I cannot date someone if they're a twit. There are some people I know and like who are borderline twits and I'm alternately attracted to them / pushed away depending upon what they're doing that day / how they're feeling. There's enough worthwhile there to form attraction (they're not completely dumb or unpleasant and not truly bad), but the occasional stupidity or maddening thing is enough to make me realize they are not long-term relationship material. Part of this is also an unwillingness to totally examine themselves or ascribe blame to themselves more than occasionally or on a superficial level. So they will lightly blame themselves for some minor things but ascribe all major blame for all their major problems to other people and external factors, even in situations where, objectively, it's really hard to pin that blame on anyone else. I used to be more like that and it was not cool. At some point I punctured my own BS ego and started rebuilding it more honestly and it has been a rewarding experience albeit painful and humbling (because you go from thinking you're THE shit to just thinking you're shit, for a while). I keep hoping for the people I mentioned to do this kind of self-improvement work on a deeper level, but have seen little evidence of it happening yet. Until it happens, they will never be completely attractive to me and I will never seriously consider a relationship with them. And- I still have lots of growing up to do as well. I'm definitely not there yet. It's a process. I'm thankful currently for those who can put up with me.

[@chrisf8293]

I think it's a little bit of an ego thing too. There are a lot of couples that look similar phenotypically that ended up having kids (like Lisa Bonet and Lenny Kravitz) and the kids came out almost like a doppelganger of their parents. I think lot of people unconsciously just want their kids to look like them, especially if the parents are seen as attractive.

[@squamish4244]

It's evolutionary. Attractive people want attractive kids so their kids also pass their genes on. All this developed over millions of years.

[@juvenayudtud7500]

I'm vain, I know it. It has it's use but as I've gotten older and beauty fades and after much philosophical reading and study I know that real beauty comes from within. It's not just how someone looks or appears, but it's also how they move, how they talk, how they act, what they do. Those things, dynamic qualities are a deeper source for everlasting beauty. And that takes time to discover, for oneself as well.

[@SHiTJuFro743]

+Juven Ayudtud good comment.

[@theaminswey9733]

crocket or Do They? 😜

[@dakotahope599]

Len Minswey grody

[@BlackSheepNara]

So it took you till you were "old and ugly omgz" to suddenly see peoples personalities over the outer crap? Yikes.

[@Ouroboross-]

You can't be ugly and be vain. Your looks suggest you should take what you can get

[@SimonWinheld]

What about for animals? Birds are way hotter than lizards

[@Felhek]

Simon Winheld best comment

[@nataloe1337]

U go date a bird then... creep 😂😂😂

[@nataloe1337]

Does the deer have a choice?

[@Emilie191989]

Hahaha to me I’d prefer lizards though xD it’s just preference difference

[@ARPalico]

Lol im dying 😂

[@shadow_of_thoth]

This is maybe true from a psychological perspective... I know very little about psychology (aside from the basics), but I do study anthropology, so watching this, I couldn't help but think about the sociocultural factors to attraction. I do not see myself as very attractive (though I have become more attractive to myself over time), but all of my past relationships have been with very attractive women (like 8s and 9s). It is just that they are very attractive apart from the mainstream culture that seems to value women who have blue eyes, blonde hair, and a toned body, which I care little for or against. They have all been either Hispanic, mixed race, or white but with darker features. I am attracted to that aesthetic, but apart from that, those are the women who are attracted to me most often, as a man who has dark brown eyes, dark brown hair, and an average build. It is not that I am absolutely not attracted to anyone else, but anyone else tends not to be very attracted to or interested in me. I am somewhat convinced that the luck I have had with these women, who I would say are above my own level of a solid 7 to 7.5 on a good day, is mainly due to an initial attraction based on cultural factors. After all, most white women with colored eyes (excluding redheads, I will say) cannot seem to get past the fact that I am 5'8". I have literally been told, both directly and through friends, that I am not their type on account of being too short (they prefer taller guys). That is certainly a cultural bias, because I know for a fact that there are tribes who believe that it is actually a virtue to marry someone of equal height, which represents equality in marriage, as neither stands above the other. Anyway, I don't blame them for not liking my body based on their cultural values (as long as they aren't actually hateful about it); they can't really help what they are attracted to, whether it is biology, psychological development, or enculturation. All of that is against their will, and even acknowledging it does little to actually "fix" it. I'm just saying. It seems like a lot of attraction is determined before we ever even see the person, before we ever even acknowledge what we are attracted to. For me, I try to be attracted more to the mind than to the body, but of course, I am a biological creature at the same time. It is difficult to look past what I perceive as "ugliness," for whatever reason. I am sure the same is true for others when it is directed at me.

[@valvihk3649]

Very interesting. Do you have any anthropology books you like that talk more deeply about this cultural attraction? I am a white woman who has hots for tall, blonde, blue eyed, chubby men. This made me think that attraction plays a role when it came to genetics. However, I am also a demisexual, so those features are not deal breakers. I dated a man who was by several inches shorter than me, and I have to say.. Sex was most amazing due to that height change. From that experience, I like tall men when it comes to appearances. But, when it comes to sex, I want same height or shorter. I wonder who I fall in love with next:)

[@andrewphillips-hird3761]

I imagine something similar happens for intelligence as well (although it's a bit messier as, generally, people find a moderately above average IQ more appealing than an extremely high IQ - so it's not perfectly linear) and this makes me wonder whether physical attractiveness is considered the most important trait (with less attractive people shifting towards other traits as lesser alternatives) or whether attractiveness and e.g. intelligence are on equal footing, wherein individuals want someone of approximately the same physical attractiveness and intelligence as them, either attribute being capable of having equal sway over overall appeal by being too different to the person's own level.

[@GloryBlazer]

It probably depends on the individual's views of how valuable these traits are. Which could be influenced by how they view themselves. In the video he mentioned people who are rated high in attractiveness care more about looks, I think since people to some extent have to judge their own abilities, they may be looking for complimentary traits in a partner.

[@elizabethkho3556]

Fascinating! I think you’re on to a great discussion here. If I may respond, I imagine that physical attractiveness is more valued than intelligence in the overall social hierarchy because almost /everyone/ can tell immediately when someone is physically attractive, but intelligence isn’t quite as obvious- makes less of a social statement. On a personal level, I think your value for each will vary greatly; and I imagine that a person will value more greatly whichever trait they value in /themselves/ more. For example, I was not particularly pretty growing up, but I was great at school. That became my source of social power; this encouraged me to keep reading and to hone my intelligence, valuing it above my physical attractiveness. Because of the way I grew up, I know that in a partner, I’d definitely pick intelligence over attractiveness, even /if/ I am now considered physically attractive after I learning to care for my looks in college. But if I /had not/ grown up the way I did- reading and valuing my mind- if I had grown up on make up and fashion and beauty, I can very easily see myself preferring attractiveness to intelligence instead. Perhaps a more cynical way to put it is: “What are you vain about?” if one is allowing themself to be influenced by the social hierarchy. If you’re humble enough to genuinely pay no mind to social politics, then it just comes down to, “What is important to you? How much of each characteristic do you need to be attracted to yor partner?”

[@natalie11116]

I use to undervalue my intelligence and over-value my body, and I would go for only looks and had 0 intimacy- was incredibly painful! Now there has to be something spiritual/ intellect based! Otherwise I can't really connect with the other person. Looks honestly come second if the energy/ mind is lacking!

[@mdgsk824]

What about people with some sort of body dysmorphia that feel less or more attractive than they really are or those who have low/high self esteem? Then there are attractive or average people that had bad experiences with equally attractive people that almost deliberately aim lower in hopes they won't be let down again and proclaim "it's not about looks but personality'. Every factor should be taken into consideration.

[@thejazzmonastery9541]

+Chrissi I heard that one of the side effects of muscular dystrophy (that's the disease that has people in wheelchairs drooling with no muscle control, right?) is that they have a sense of self glamour as if they're on stage being adored by a crowd. That's pretty weird, right? Well, if that's the case, I would guess relatively healthy people could have varying degrees of that brain glitch at times, maybe?

[@AaronHendu]

Look at every young male who is probably a 3/10 who says things like, "Ew...Megan Fox? Disgusting...you see her fingers?"

[@AaronHendu]

You look cute enough in your avatar, and you like the Vines so are probably also pretty cool...so unless you're walking around like you're one of the Kardashian, I think you're OK lol

[@Dingleberries]

+INTJ-Skorpyo7 man you sure do get busy. hahahaha are you also a weapons specialist?

[@dchristine9161]

INTJ-Skorpyo7 You are a martial artist, a Scorpio, and an intj personality? You sound interesting. I'm an infj and love martial arts, specifically kenpo. Anyway, your comment just caught my eye.

[@mrgaspoop]

I'm an 8.5 male (an average calculated from ratings of me). I'm smart and a child prodigy at art. People like me because I'm funny and a good conversationalist. However, I'm extremely depressed and come from a very rough background. I have a history of violent and impulsive behaviour. I'm often anxious and erratic. People don't know this about me because I generally withdraw socially when I start acting up. Looks, smarts and talent mean nothing if you can't enjoy life because of neurological complications. Mental health is what people should be aspiring to have. What's inside the mind alters your reality, nothing else. Materialistic and vain desires are nothing but an illusion that fool you into thinking briefly that things are good.

[@lolliequeen101]

Sounds similar to my life story...

[@Will-kl5ri]

Randy Butternubs 100% the same as me. Musician here. 21 now. Absolutely batshit crazy. Would rather be a happy 7 than a fucked up 8.5...

[@dulapeep5609]

+Think About It bruh...

[@music4thedeaf]

That's true as Emerson says "thought is the root of action". My depression is killing my outlook...

[@jjohnson5624]

Randy Butternubs this describes a friend ik. sort of describes me but that I'm mentally getting better. seek help and just think as positive as possible even with terrible history ik its hard. luckily I got out of the bad situations I was in early I'm 16 now, I would rate myself about an 8 from experience with girls I would be higher if not for my awkward social skills with girls that are like 9.5-10s. and I love music and writing lyrics. depression can be hard asfk though and it's always worse with artist and creative people.

[@LizbethBeekman]

I'm "hot" (I guess? LOL) but I'm only attracted to odd-looking people. The first person I ever fell in love with had massive facial asymmetry from scarring similar to Dan's, and I knew I liked them almost immediately from watching them from across a room. It's annoying when someone only considers you in terms of your appearance. If someone is "ugly" (has confidence, but walks around somewhat uncouth-looking and doesn't seem too smooth or concerned with how they appear) it's a sign they've been investing in other things more and will perceive those characteristics in me over my appearance. It's much harder to adapt to too much concern for what others think than it is to fall in love with endearing and distinctive physical traits. Also--I'm more superficially attracted to these traits! Like can you imagine how hot Jeff Goldblum would be if he had bad teeth or something? So hot. At least one of my early boyfriends didn't think I was good-looking at all. Maybe 6/10. I always wondered what caused this dysmorphia--I didn't care if I was prettier than he thought, but everyone else seemed to think I was. He also cared way too much what others superficially thought of him (like most young people do), and he wasn't super-good-looking so the energy was often misspent. And he was in awe of and easily deceived by enhanced images of people. I would show him paparazzi photos of a woman vs. the same woman in a publicity photo and he was convinced it couldn't be the same person: to him it was fixed: if you were "hot" you were always "hot." When I showed him professional headshots of me, he couldn't recognize me in them and said my features must have been drastically altered. He also seemed disturbed when I told him I was always wearing makeup because I liked the feeling of putting it on everyday. "No, you never wear makeup" he insisted. I wonder if people grow out of it or if this man is still wandering around 10 years later worshipping images of "hot" people he thinks he doesn't deserve.

[@judithlobo9038]

Sad story, poor guy

[@joaovitorschell5614]

You probably had a narcissistic boyfriend

[@chriswinowich5625]

I've known this shirt for years. Feels good to have someone explain it here. I've tried explaining this to people and they don't believe me.

[@checkmattee222]

It's been two years. Hope you've changed your mind and don't think the same lol

[@olafurtomasgubjartsson8385]

One word that will ruin your theory = Money.

[@EricaYE6]

Exactly. Money is very pretty. Very sexy.

[@apathfinding9294]

money or fame, or even better, both

[@mohamedosman3845]

Would it

[@maxchatterji5866]

Ólafur Guðbjartsson, you have no money so you overcompensate with salt.

[@DavidEdwards-pc1sw]

,mony is also a part of a person , a vestigial part ofcourse .

[@AJanae.]

Chemistry is chemistry. But you don't settle for just chemistry, physical attractive is usually what brings someone to your attention

[@Mellocean]

For those saying looks are just important as personality. I agree in the sense that they are equally as shallow for something to bank off of, if pursuing a long-term relationship. Both personality & physical appearance fade & change overtime, to expect otherwise is setting yourself up for disaster. To prioritize one over the other is the mistake, a balance of the two is what is needed; in terms of what you find attractive. When attracted to someone; personality & appearance are balanced well from your perspective, such that they compliment one another nicely by means of your personal standards. Attraction is based off of context & self-perception. In society’s eyes; the more contexts you can easily fit into, the more attractive you are.

[@nyikomakamu6247]

i feel like theres a threshold to how attractive a person is, at some point it doesn't mater how attractive you are, thats where other factors such as personality is considered. i wont lie most times women come onto me and usually im rated as one of the most attractive people in the room but that isnt to say i can get a 10 bcz im a 10, she will also look at certain attributes and if i dont have what she is looking for then sadly for me im in my room alone listening to Adele feeling like shit.

[@wilhelm.reeves]

Money: Hold my Beer

[@egoxxvii2705]

Xylan Beer: Hold my glass

[@milindpradeesh]

Ah,the kinda comment I was waiting for in a comment section full of depressive comments

[@abbykawaii6563]

Smh lol true though

[@HereIAm247]

Not really true though. Being financially responsible is attractive, yes, as it shows good relationship potential. But not nessicarily rich. The reason why rich men often have success, is the character traits that allowed them to get there. Intelligence or physical skills (depending on carrier), which is great genetics. Good work ethic, and possibly good values. A suit is kind of equivalent to an evening dress. It is not because it shows wealth/money, but because it creates a good posture, enhance a physically attractive body shape, and make you look polished.

[@briannanickson6656]

!!!

[@Altrantis]

When you're an attractive, exceptionally introverted nerd who really only cares about people who also like nerdy things, the population of viable matches is rather limited. Woes me.

[@51stcenturygirl]

This

[@acedupspade]

@@51stcenturygirl The other person's comment is unfortunately 4 years too old so we three can't be buddy buddy. We best partner up. Wanna date? heh

[@coolasf1527]

depend on your personality, we need just one by the way

[@tobyross3961]

It’s “woe is me” :)

[@desireesim4475]

believe it or not, a connection is possible! me and my partner are both super nerds and we both like each other because we’re nerds AAH

[@flowerchild3312]

Beauty is in the eye most definitely of the beholder, i find honest genuine men the most attractive , Personality speaks volumes

[@michellerains2732]

Absolutely! Cheers to this!

[@michaelshannon9169]

Then you're probably between a 1 and 6.

[@flowerchild3312]

@@michaelshannon9169 Yes probably so , I was pretty cute in my younger years just don't make vanity much of a priority anymore there needs to be substance to a person besides looks as they fade and are only skin deep , I'm not into shallow behavior Lol As for men , I don't find the pretty muscle gym going guy HOT , I am attracted to personality. As the saying goes " to each their own" & what's attractive to one might not be to the other

[@michaelshannon9169]

@@flowerchild3312 This was his point. We go for what we are - if we are a 5 then we go for personality etc because looks are out of our lane, beyond our reach. If you were a 9 I think you'd change your tune considerably. Yes, personality is a factor but I think if those gym guys were giving you attention you might re-evaluate your priorities pretty quick.

[@flowerchild3312]

@@michaelshannon9169 There again I disagree, I have dated hot men but prefer men with a good heart / personality maybe that's how I know , Been there and dated that Lol .

[@checkmattee222]

I will never understand why people go on websites to get "rated". That's self torture. Why do you want to know the opinions of others about your looks? Also, has love always been about looks? Personally, a good amount of people find me attractive but I have never cared to concentrate so much on someone's looks if I want to be with them. Personality, good character and religion is all that has ever mattered to me.

[@sonias9722]

Maybe it's not self torture if you're attractive

[@Kelsie154]

I think there's a difference between finding someone good looking, and finding someone attractive. Good looking deals with just the looks, whereas attractiveness also deals with personality. There have been people that I didn't find very good looking, but I became attracted to them because of their personality. Then there's also the case of me finding someone really good looking, but their personality turned me off. They weren't attractive to me anymore. Personality always has, and always will be the most important thing to me.

[@mdgsk824]

+Kelsie LeCrone There definetely is a maximum of what's tolerable lookwise but generally speaking a pretty body alone is like an empty shell. There's no excitement or mental stimulation. Mental stimulation is more important to women anyway in terms of getting "turned on" by someone. I do think though there should be a level of physical attraction even if it's finding someone "weirdly attractive". In the end both looks and personality are more or less equally important as long as it's within your personal limit.

[@demetriusjones8818]

+Kelsie LeCrone Coming from a guy works at a bar and looks at 1's and 10's every night. Your a 10. Fact

[@jayhide2923]

Kelsie LeCrone i find you attractive babe

[@Phoenixadj]

you are basically re-confirming what the videos says. Congrats, you must be a bubbly bright stupid person lol it's okay we are all stupid sometimes.

[@Kelsie154]

Jonathan duToit Sounds like someone has some self-esteem issues.

[@ineffablemars]

I relate to his experience after his injury. The same happened to me. It's still hard for me to get involved with anyone without first thinking if I'm not attractive enough or as attractive as I used to be. Often I feel ashamed for being attracted to people who are more attractive than I am now. I was with my ex when my accident happened, and I found out he was chatting with other women over facebook, telling them I'm hideous and that he thinks they're prettier than me. It really really hurt and it soured my inclination to form any new relationships because I feel no one will see me for me, just my injury. It's a really crappy experience and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but commenting on another part of the video; I think of what a lot of people find attractive is to do with their upbringing. If you were brought up by parents or family that put a large emphasis on good personalities, having open and caring homes and generally being there for others and being fun.. you'll probably value that in other people. If you're brought up with the idea that looks are everything, perhaps your parents were always dressed well, your mother did her makeup every day and didn't go anywhere without it.. you probably would think looks are the most important thing. Of course - I think people will always appreciate aesthetic beauty, but that doesn't mean we're inherently attracted to it. Just because someone is good looking doesn't mean you will form a meaningful bond with them, or appreciate their personality. Ultimately, to me, the most important part of any relationship is shared interests, being able to relax around each other, always having something to talk about, being on the same sort of intellectual wavelength and of course having fun and being able to laugh at each other and themselves. I tend to find comedians very attractive, myself.

[@JaysonT1]

100% the same here, injury and all.

[@sharonsomers]

I'd rather be alone than settle for someone I did not find attractive.

[@marmoris11]

same

[@yourexptravel7838]

To me, the voice of a person means everything. The guy can look like Ryan Eynolds but if from his noise hole comes up annoying sqeek, forget it.. My rainbow puff is gone.

[@checkmattee222]

Everything?

[@yourexptravel7838]

@@checkmattee222 yeah.. Ok, except super skinny guys. 🤪 But voice-super important 😉😉

[@ainnelrosirrosias3338]

So kevin hart lost his chance...

[@faramier321]

Amazing video. States what we know subconsciously to be true in an empirical fashion. Now people can stop pretending they aren't shallow at heart!!!!!

[@InstiGator805]

When i look at my hand... "That's the best i could do" 😂

[@romanzapata7613]

I'm taking a social psych class right now, and we're currently reading about attraction and dating, so this is pretty neat lol

[@checkmattee222]

None of the things he said in the video are accurate lol

[@LydellAaron]

The "best" is eventually a spiritual measure. Hopefully your partners' thoughts are wanting to be with you and not judging how they could have done better.

[@iamandres618]

This dude looks like scarface, mixed with mr bean

[@NickMattia44]

Thanks

[@antonmonteleonus3616]

I love nick but I dont like you , you nailed it 😂

[@rotnmold7861]

Ok u deserve more likes 😂

[@rotnmold7861]

Ok u deserve more likes 😂

[@explodifier6021]

Or two face from batman in terms of face colors

[@jacquelinesakala24]

I think we're all naturally attracted to good-looking/hot people.. The reason why it seems like hot people normally date hot people, and the ugly date the ugly, is becuz hot people normally have better luck with a lot of the people they approach, and so they have better luck with hot(ter) people... the ugly may initially be optimistic about their chances with hot girls/guys, but as time goes on, reality kicks in, and they learn to settle for the less attractive..

[@DynamicGracer]

Dude that was literally the whole video...

[@rounaksinghbuttar9083]

But if they still don’t settle for less means that they’re attractive?

[@gladiusbladeofthenorth9939]

jacqueline sakala Is it bad that i lost a chance with someone hot which was interested on me?people say im an 8 in the atractiviness poll,but i don't feel like that at all.

[@TheHellogs4444]

@@rounaksinghbuttar9083 No, it means they're single

[@rounaksinghbuttar9083]

@@TheHellogs4444 true 😂😂

[@Peanuts76]

I find those scars of yours attractive on it's own, like a game characters

[@kavigorana]

ikr.. i find them beautiful too lmao.. how's this video so much about 11 year old kids (not criticizing, just don't know softer words to frame the sentence)

[@lockedaboss7213]

Big props to him being so open about it. May god give you what you deserve.

[@mememan9890]

tbh im giving up on dating. Wish i could meet other lonley guys and have a support group of sorts.

[@jayhide2923]

Tommy Lowe sometimes when woman look at me, i just assume they want to fuck me, but thats not how i think anymore, i realized that they are judging my fashion sense, like damn i was dumb

[@JewTube001]

I tried to meet lonely girls once but the thing is, they fucking hate lonely guys.

[@vitocorleone1462]

+JewTube lonely people are lonely, they hate everyone

[@SIGSEGV1337]

"Wish i could meet other lonley guys and have a support group of sorts." You literally just described 8chan /r9k/, welcome to the rabbithole

[@Macker875]

Tommy Lowe go to reddit forever alone

[@Kobe29261]

One of the most courageous people I've ever heard - such a gift!

[@theultimateninja]

Anogoya Dagaati why? Because he's ugly?

[@russellprophet]

I understand what you're saying, but...

[@manbeast]

AnAmericanMan hey dude, the word ugly always refers to how attractive someone is. very few people use it to describe someone as a bad person and even if they do, it brings about a scenario in which you would have to explain to people the context that you used it in because everyone or that person at least would think your calling them unattractive instead of a terrible person which would be an awkward situation to be in if your angry enough to call someone evil.

[@mugeabla262]

theultimateninja He is not ugly

[@UteChewb]

He is a brilliant psychologist. Look up his videos, his name is Dan Ariely. I've got a couple of his books. The guy has an overdose of charisma and intelligence.

[@KA-pr1xt]

I want someone attractive. Kind, intelligent. Good sense of humor, and responsible. A lot of money isnt necessary but has a job he is passionate about and makes him feel like he's contributing to the world. At this point I may be asking too much.

[@animelvr99]

Well did you find someone like that?

[@milkshockolate]

I've always heard that I'm beautiful and I've always also heard that my boyfriends through the years are not typically so. People have actually come up to me and been bothered by this. How can it be if what you say is true, that I care more about how they treat me than how they look? I also care for them being assertive, I can admit to that, but look-wise there's a difference.

[@Achilles94627]

It's probably because you are a woman and you don't care so much about conventional good looks as most men do. As you wrote, women care more about personality and attractive character traits. Life is full of examples of people like you: attractive women dating very 'ordinary' looking men.

[@ilonadragomir1184]

You really are very beautiful

[@aquariusnymph]

If only our eyes saw souls instead of bodies. How very different our ideals of beauty would be...

[@kristinadj1018]

Sabrina if only people had their own opinions instead of memorizing overused corny statements...

[@darkphazon1842]

Sabrina Realest shit.

[@matthewdejesus8215]

There wouldnt be an ideal of beauty at all because souls don't exist.

[@HeavymetalHylian]

perhaps try changing your profile picture

[@lionelhutz5137]

Yeah i have a picture with that quote on it. Beautiful message.

[@thewezzley]

I am one of those who never made peace with it-unattractive, can't stand looking at myself, and won't date women in my aesthetic range. The girl of my dreams is better than any real girl that I have a chance with. Thus I am single.

[@TH-eb7ob]

Wes Hedrick plastic surgery? Actually, if you have money pretty girls will flock to you. So don't get plastic surgery, save that money. lol

[@kapuraftw]

Wes Hedrick would you care to do an update, now that its a year later?

[@edymasta]

INTJ-Skorpyo7 you're an introvert

[@michaelshannon9169]

Yup, I actually think it's unfair to be with someone you dont find attractive. The entire time you're with that person you are wishing for someone more beautiful. In a way it's devious and insincere. As I've lost my hair I've had to work out to compensate in order to attract my type, once you've had 8's and 9's it's hard to play down. Sad.

[@ArtistProtagonist]

Wes Hedrick same. It sucks being unattractive. I cant force people to be attracted to me so why should I settle for someone im not entirely attracted to. Already been screwed over with genetics so Im not going to add to that with a lackluster relationship. Plus the initial spark fades away after a while so imagine having a compromised start. Bachelorette life isnt the best but I have friends and family and so much I want to do with my time.

[@01MeuCanal]

I think many people adjust their priorities based on disappointments! One moment of you life you thought that beauty was a really good thing and you got a very beautiful girlfriend or boyfriend and the relationship was very bad, then you realized that other thing are far more important than beauty and you are force to be more intellectually mature. Actually after you know some number of people better you realize this tendency to think beauty is something worthy is great illusion. Anyway there's a minimum attractiveness degree that you think acceptable.

[@my2cents49]

I have never, ever thought about this. Just kind of went about my life till I'd meet someone who expressed interest and then decided whether it felt mutual. If yes, ask it out and if they day no, go about life again till I eventually met my spouse. Looking at physical features and sizing myself up against people? That just isn't healthy. Clean yourself up, try to be the best "you" you can just for the sake of inner peace, and keep on that path till you meet someone who's looking for the same things you are. It doesn't have to be a head game we play against ourselves.

[@HappiestSadGuy]

As Ganondorf main I agree with most of his points

[@Bill-ou7zp]

Well, Sonic mains are scientifically proven to be virgins for life

[@RomoBomo]

Yes.

[@GustoFormula]

I can see why you're a sad guy.

[@ArcaneEiro]

Lmfao! He does look like Gannon! Hahahahahaha! Gahdamn!

[@russellprophet]

This is the saddest video Iv'e ever seen.

[@lilacosmanthus]

Welcome to the real world.

[@youtubeepicuser4209]

This isn't a video for us good looking folks

[@MrSuperdrydrums]

I can't even be bothered to write about how much full of bullshit this video is because I'd be writing a full on essay about the flaws in this logic. I understand how this can make someone feel super uncomfortable. it's because it's not even nearly the whole truth.

[@KO-fh4vn]

Norry Angel please elaborate, lest we repeat fermat's last theorem.

[@adamp_]

Norry Angel Yeah, this video is pretty bad, the comments are even worse. It'd be nice to see what are your thoughts on it though, I have to admit I'm kinda curious now, but I understand if you're not feeling like writing a huge comment on KZbin.

[@carlix281]

This talk was so fun and easy to understand! thank you

[@GeorgeZacharopoulos]

I have reached the exact same conclusions for years without the research. Glad to see that i was not wrong

[@Mrskateboardboy]

You are attracted by good looks but fall in love with people for deeper reasons that that. People change as the go through life. You have to love someone for far more important reasons that something that may fade. People lose their hair, or grow fat and flabby, or just grow unattractive from a purely visual viewpoint. To love someone a person has to look far deeper and care about the whole person and everything that they are.

[@UN1VERS3S]

Bullshit video don't believe it, propaganda to make shallow minds.

[@aviseau3883]

Most people dont have a high iq or wisdom so they dont consider this

[@user-df3op4jz1f]

​@aviseau3883 welcome to the internet era

[@WellRounded]

I like beautiful women. So I must be a beautiful man. :)

[@hontonitai7838]

Well Rounded. No, even the uggliest guy in this world likes beautiful women, he just wouldn't approch them or hope to date them. I just hope you said it as a joke, coz you don't look like you gave some thoughts before posting

[@kd-bv4my]

Do they like you though?

[@blue_cameron]

Well Rounded do you approach them?

[@DynamicGracer]

Later in the vid he says 4s and 10s both like 10s

[@mysticstranger666]

You are.

[@jiminsshii]

So that's why whenever me and my bestie have conversation about traits we would like about our man, her answer was always a decent personality and nature and mine was height above 5'10, jawline, hairline, nice hair, physically attractive and fit, and humble. I always thought wow am i being too shallow 😭?

[@checkmattee222]

People are different. Some go more for looks and some personality is above everything else. Some even consider religion to be the most important thing to them when looking for a partner. There's so much misinformation in this video.

[@bodiesands4654]

I want someone who is beautiful *and* is kind, good-hearted, and has a good sense of humour. Not either or.

[@MrPatrickbuit]

The balance between your desires and self-awareness is key here. We all desire just as much, but our self-awareness makes us climb the ladder down a few steps so that we're on people of our own level. Simply because we know we can date them. However, guys' attractiveness is also measured by how fluently they speak and their sense of humour. Women would rather date an average lad like that than a looker, who rarely says a word.

[@SCdreamdrawer]

Very interesting topic in the right context and perspective. Thank you for your piece on it. Notes: There are soooo many depths to attractiveness which makes the study of it very difficult. It's abstract. And the soul and chemistry and compatibility of people matter so much, otherwise we only get skin deep and beauty and attractiveness as we know is not skin deep. Even the most attractive people want and need more than skin deep. In conclusion, if you look at your partner and are dissatisfied with being with them, you shouldn't be with them.

[@alfredhitchcock45]

In a night club, nobody talks about soul at first sight. It's always looks first.

[@marijanam2843]

I think there is much more complexity to attractiveness than it is presented here. We are not all coming from a same place in termes of what we find attractive. There may be some universal criterias as for looks attractiveness but again, some people have their own preferences. Also looks alone aren't enough to decide how appealing someone is, well not for all people and criterias can change with time. For instance i always found guys looks to be important but when i was younger my criterias were different and majority of what i looked as important was a guys looks. Now a guy can be really good looking but if he doesn't match my other criterias that i find important he wont be as attractive to me as he would be for my younger self 🙂 Its all way to complex to just put a number to it and define it in such a way....

[@AltairCrysis]

Agreed, my biggest issue with this is the assumption that we all agree on what is attractive and thus can come up with some universal "hotness" scale -- in my experience, that's definitely not true; my friends and I often find different people attractive. So, one person's "10" could be another person's "1"

[@originaluddite]

@@AltairCrysis I find this too, both from experience, conversations, observation, and some study of changing attitudes in different times and places. I'd also say that research based on a dating site is pretty limited - maybe the kind of person who is prepared to use such methods is also more attached to conventional concepts of beauty.

[@stellaallbright4750]

I was a dancer and super physically fit, above average, and all I attracted were abusive partners. So depression set in, I stopped working out, gained weight (which only makes depression worse) and still only attracted abusive partners. Now I think I'll be alone forever. Hotness doesn't give a person more value or depth.

[@ainnelrosirrosias3338]

Try MMA, u get fit and u can beatup those abusive partners :p

[@andrewbarrett1537]

One of my ex girlfriends has been going to the gym and she is buff and RIPPED now. She has thighs like ham hocks that you could bounce a quarter off and it would spring back and put out your eye. All this from a former stoner hippie girl with a little pooch. Now she should be on the cover of a bodybuilder magazine. That's pretty awesome because it's also very useful to her in a manyfold way: not only does the body work better when it's in shape, but since she's stronger she can defend herself better against creepers and also do a wider variety of more labor intensive jobs, as well as enjoying working out more and more. And- exercise is a natural mood enhancer and antidepressant. I haven't been in touch directly in years but I understand she went through some shitty relationships after we broke up (apparently I was not the lamest person she dated, although that factoid only makes me sad and not proud... it would have been a happier situation for her if I had wound up being the lamest) and so apparently some of these other guys inspired her to eventually say 'screw it' and go to the gym and start pumping that iron. Her self esteem has also built up better too, apparently (although I don't recall it being particularly low when we were dating, she seemed fairly happy... but we didn't go out for long and didn't get into a lot of the details of her family life). I hope you can find that person of your dreams who is not abusive. It may help to have a bunch of non relationship friends to help you vet potential partners, and also so you can tell whether said new boyfriend (or whatever) is trying to drive a wedge between you and another friend. That's a really bad sign if so. But without other close friends, it can be hard to see whether a guy is trying to isolate you or other red flags. Also, it seems that some of these damn 'men's rights' people (yes, I believe in men's rights, sure, but not like SOME OF THESE GUYS), like going to gyms and working out as well etc. So if you're meeting bodybuilders in gyms, some of them are gonna be like this (not, like, the just-standing-up-for-themselves mens-rights guys, but I mean like abusive-towards-women, treating-women-like-property supposed 'men's rights' clowns (like the guy who just got arrested for human trafficking) who in my opinion should just turn in their man card as well as their dignity and social standing for this inexcusable behavior). It would be really nice if EVERYONE of all social classes and types went to gyms (and fewer people might mess with fewer people if a great number of bystanders could collectively kick their ass), and then if your main 'meet people' place is a gym, you would find more people if gym-going was a general societal trend. But if it's just a few types of people at your particular local gym, and some of them are meatheads (in the bad way, not the neutral way), then you may need to choose other spots to meet people besides the gym. Some of it may be you and the type of people you are attracted to. One of my friends (totally different person than the gym-going ex mentioned above) tends to date guys who tend to be abusive towards her. I've gotten very mad at her at times due to her frequent foolishness and sometime callousness and other problems, but I have never hit her nor do I intend to do so. I also try to see the situation fairly and am sympathetic to her due to her traumatic past family history. But apparently some of those other guys think it's OK to lay hands on women. But one of the times I got mad and verbally blew up at her (due to her being bullheaded about something), I mentioned how most of the guys she tended to date were basically 'bros' (not the good kind but the bad kind of bro) and if she would widen her dating spectrum, she'd find better guys. She once dated a shy nerdy guy and they seemed to get along well and she seemed to be actually happy with him although they're not still together. So I think her 'type' should be wider than just yet another bro who thinks psychology is a crock, mental illness isn't real or whatever stupid shit the bro-du-jour uses as an excuse to not take her real problems seriously.

[@user-df3op4jz1f]

Maybe it's time to take a look at yourself.