Why am I lonely around people? The Disturbing Psychology of Friendships

[@elizabethfilips]

☁ If you'd like to try out my favourite sleep story for free, the top 500 people to use this link will also get 25% off the yearly subscription for Aura! www.aurahealth.io/elizabethfilips And a summary of the journalling prompts: 4:34 The Trelawney Principle: sinister "good" friendships 1. How has this friend reacted in unpredictably negative ways towards you? What have these looked like? 2. Would you be able to recognise a healthy reaction if you saw it? What would this look like? 3. What about our friends makes us feel insecure? 4. What role does shame play in your friendship when things go wrong? Does your friend show shame? Do you show shame? 5. Does your friend accept or encourage your shame while not extending it themselves? 10:58 Why you like bad boys 1. How did your main caretakers express their love? What feelings did they make you feel? 2. Describe what true love, friendship and care means to you. Does anger, anxiety, jealousy, rudeness, spite have space there? 3. How do your friends respond to vulnerability? Who makes you feel safe to feel what you truly feel and how? 4. What do you think are the consequences of saying what you truly feel? 16:23 Destructive Entitlement: how we are the problem 1. What lessons have you learnt from your previous friendships? In what ways have you been hurt? 2. What do you consider the bare minimum? In what ways is this fair? 3. Are you giving everyone fair judgement? 4. What would it take for you to truly trust someone? 20:47 How friendships change our brain 1. What does your shared brain with this friend look like? 2. What is your internal experience and external expression around them? How aligned is this with your values? 24:13 When and how to deal with an ended friendship 1. The ten year problem: How would you feel about this friendship if nothing changed and ten years had now passed? 2. Chairwork explained 28:07 Catching up on sleep and us

[@greenteasoya]

Elizabeth, your timing towards my needs is so uncanny! Thank you for this timely video. I needed this now.

[@avigailomichael]

❤️🥰Definitely more relatable than many videos by therapists or relationship experts. More on this, please! We are wayyyyy too similar, you and I. Please keep showing up, we love you. Me, I love you, Eli. And no, I don't hate your voice, could never. In fact, I think your voice is extremely therapeutic for me. If your voice were on that Aura app, I'd choose it over and over again. Missed you! Was that too much? Okay, I'm sorry. But yes, more on this topic, please. And yes, everything you have to say is so so so so worthy of a listen, so please don't you be deleting stuff. Broken or at your best, I want to listen to and watch all of it. All the best in your exams!

[@SaneAsylum]

Predictability is really just a feature of being principled.

[@SanjaySherawat-fv3re]

I like you are thought 😚

[@Sarah-qw2wy]

I have a question what do you use to edit your videos? and how do you got those background effects?

[@Ellio1862]

I can feel so lonely in a roomful of people yet blissfully happy and content sitting by myself enjoying my own company.

[@silvermine2033]

Me too!

[@noshititskrae]

I find other people remind me that I am different from them. I don't mean in an "I'm special" way - I mean, we are all different from each other, and being reminded of that can feel lonely.

[@StephanieRZ]

@@noshititskrae So relatable + true

[@jainee4507]

Your comment is a coping mechanism for your social anxiety.

[@yourikdean1167]

Lol!! Like my Dad always used to say.. "sometimes talking to myself is the only intelligent conversation I can find, just make sure nobody catches you doin it, they might think you're crazy.". Which, inevitably, my Mom would reply with "you're not crazy simply because you talk to yourself.. everyone talks to themselves.. it's when you start arguing with yourself, then ya gotta start worrying.".. in which my Grandma would chime in with.. "talking with yourself is perfectly fine, after all, if you don't like hanging out with you how can you expect anyone else to like hanging out with you? And arguing with yourself is healthy for ya.. after all, how can you ever expect to be able to change your mind about anything if you don't first have a quick argument with yourself about it beforehand? Na.. the point where you have to start worrying about anything is when you get so worked up about the argument that start swingin at yourself.. and at that point just remember, there's only two possibilities on how you can react when something like that happens.. ya can either completely snap or ya can simply start laughing at yourself.. just, for goodness sake, whatever you don't do both at the same time.. people have a hard time possessing dichotomies like that and they end up spooking easy when they're confused that way.. if you're not careful they'll slap you in a straight jacket and you'll find yourself locked in a little padded room until they can figure out what to do with such an anomaly as yourself.. and we wouldn't want that now would we?"! LMFAO! Damn.. I miss my grandma.. wisest yet absolutely corkiest woman I've ever had the privilege and pleasure of meeting!

[@legallybrunettemee]

If you ever feel lonely, just remember that there are trillions of cells inside you, that literally can't live without you

[@VijayaLakshmi-wq3bc]

😂❤️👌

[@mnordpol7805]

It's fun to think in that way

[@thothheartmaat2833]

that all want to die...

[@nekosaiyajin8529]

@@thothheartmaat2833 bruv too real i feel u. ur right.

[@NicholeRojas-r8i]

And bacteria

[@merrynightwanderer9728]

This feels like a modern epidemic. I'm an introvert, but have always known friends are incredibly important-- I saw my parents suffer for not having many growing up. But despite prioritizing them, my thirties, betrayal, and moving has made it so hard. I've got friends now, but they aren't very satisfying, nowhere near as satisfying as my college friends were. And it's hard to know what to do.

[@las9582]

I'm fine with meeting new people but I think in the back of my head I wonder if they feel the same way you do. I'd prefer if someone felt this way about me they keep their distance.

[@ffffffffffffffff5840]

Definitely a modern epidemic

[@Luemm3l]

amen, as a thirty something, I feel the same. I luckily still have SOME school friends, but see them way too little... touch starved, friendship starved, good vibes starved, for YEARS now. the people I think are cool and I live with usually turn out slobs or disappointments. people I genuinely like do not like me back as much. It is super frustrating. I sort of made my peace with the fact I probably will die alone some day. And I try to put myself out there, it never works, going to meet-ups, fares, whatever. People will say yes to activities but do not show up or do not respond or follow up.

[@ShainaCilimberg]

@@las9582 same

[@merrynightwanderer9728]

@@Luemm3l omg, the flakiness makes it impossible to do anything. Like of course I understand if things come up. And I'm not terribly organized at times so friends have had to be patient with me. But I make a huge point of keeping my word 95% of the time and the constant flakiness just makes it so hard to try. Also it's a trip just wondering how much of it is me and how much of it is the culture we're in

[@Nox934]

I've heard that we feel good alone because there is no need to pretend. Like being with a cat or a dog, there is no need to be something we're not. So that's one aspect to consider.. how much we try to adjust ourselves to others in a way that doesn't work. Insecurity is unstable and unpredictable. How to feel secure is a good thing to work on.

[@Sophia.sunsun]

Feeling secure within ourselves is indeed a valuable aspect to work on. Insecurity can often lead us to constantly adjust ourselves to fit the expectations of others, which can be tiring and unfulfilling. Building self-confidence and self-acceptance allows us to be comfortable in our own skin and embrace our true selves, without the need for constant validation from others. Developing self-awareness, practicing self-care, and surrounding ourselves with supportive and understanding people can help foster a sense of security within us, ultimately enhancing our overall well-being and relationships.

[@denizayoung]

I have struggled with feeling lonely around people for as long as I can remember. I've recently come to an insight as to why this is the case for me. I am not fully, truly and openly myself around other people. Every time I got told by loved ones I was too loud, too enthusiastic, too attention-seeking, etc., I toned my personality down more and more. The part of me that now subconsciously fears showing my true personality and being judged for it has grown so big, that I've stopped showing up as my authentic self completely. So even though the people closest to me are accepting of the toned-down version of myself, I still don't feel heard, seen and accepted. Because they aren't accepting of the 'real' me - I haven't even shown them the real me. I now know that the journey to feeling loved, included, seen, heard and accepted comes down to me finding back my authentic self - and showing up in my friendships and relationships authentically. This also comes with putting healthy boundaries in place, as I tend to people-please. In it's core it is about accepting myself for who I am, and showing up as unapologetically myself. Thank you for addressing topics in your videos that society deems 'heavy'. It is nice knowing that there are other people that have feelings very similar to mine. It actually makes me feel less lonely!

[@pendafen7405]

love this energy and accountability👏👏👏👏👏

[@speakyrtruth]

i've been struggling with the same thing with authenticity, i only realized it last fall when i started to unpack what was behind my social anxiety. glad to know i'm not alone!

[@denizayoung]

@@speakyrtruth You're never alone with these kinds of things! I's just that very few people openly talk about it. Which is something that is slowly changing (yaaay!) thanks to people like Elizabeth that share the vulnerable sides of themselves so publicly. I am glad you now know you're not alone in this!

[@magneticmoonstone]

Having to change your personality in order to be liked is the first sign that the friendship is going to be one-sided. You'll find those who accept you fully but as long as you silence yourself in favour of others, you're focusing on the wrong people. We all need different kinds of people by our side, and you're definitely the kind for someone. You deserve to feel loved for who you are. Accept yourself so your true friends may find you sooner 💞

[@Othique]

This has absolutely been my situation as well. My family (and eventually friends) constantly bullied me for everything. I was always being called names and harassed and told everything I did was wrong - but never explained why or how. I would even get bullied for laughing too much or too loud. So, I learned how to put on an act around people. Unfortunately, this act has been too good and then people will keep coming back and want to be friends with this fake persona... and I can't keep playing it. I have a time limit. I know there will eventually be something that cracks the facade and exposes me for what I really am. And, for whatever reason, I would rather them leave forever with a positive false memory of who I am than stick around and end up hating my truth.

[@krembryle]

As a person who cut their parents out of their life, this video was more about parents for me than friends. It's hard to accept the fact that your parents don't love you.

[@kathleenkaleookalanismith8724]

I’m so sorry my dear.

[@LLLLLP0]

same here ❤ it’s not easy

[@kathleenkaleookalanismith8724]

@@LLLLLP0 I know it isn’t. 😭 And who even knows how deep the rabbit whole goes as far as pain and disappointment are held in the body, heart and mind. I have realized after so many years of being alive that my parents rejected in me all the areas they rejected in themselves and that if I wanted to truly live my life the way I deserved, that I was going to have to let go more and more of them accepting me and I was going to do the exact opposite of what they did to themselves which is always learning to accept myself. All my love to you 🌺

[@KandiBabyy]

Oh my goodness…when I saw your comment @krembryle7903, I just kinda froze because I’ve never been able to relate to something so much and so randomly. Just have to remember that WE ARE worthy of someone’s love, WE DESERVE love, WE ARE valuable, and WE WILL be ok! XO

[@PlayerXIII]

Yeah ive had to cut out a few older family members already, with my mom and my aunt&uncle who raised me. But this week I was shook by how apathetic my own father was I accepted how emotionally distant he was; his own childhood was not his fault. But I'm driving 50 hrs across the country and asked to crash a night on a bed or couch along the way. And he just seemed so hesitant like I would be intruding. I was hoping for more from my last parental figure I had any connection with. Its heartbreaking

[@amin_dhou]

The people you pick to be in your life is probably one of the most important decisions you have control over. Always be logical and consistently consider analyzing the pros and cons of keeping your current friendships.

[@Cherri_Bea]

This is so true for me. I've started to realise I'm fine doing my own things on my own. But as soon as I have to socialise with others in a group I start to feel very lonely. I very rarely feel like I can be myself around others. It's always me having to reach out to keep any friendships alive too...kinda fed up of it tbh.

[@itsamberevie]

That is so me standing in the high school hallways, feeling left out and ignored.

[@astoldbynickgerr]

💙

[@Sophia.sunsun]

It sounds like you've identified an important aspect of your loneliness, particularly when it comes to group social interactions. Feeling like you can't be yourself and constantly being the one to reach out can be draining and discouraging. It's understandable to feel tired of this dynamic. Remember that it's okay to reassess and prioritize friendships that are mutual and reciprocated. Consider investing your energy in relationships where you can truly be yourself and where there is a genuine give-and-take. It's important to have healthy boundaries and communicate your needs to others. Surrounding yourself with people who appreciate and accept you for who you are can make a significant difference in alleviating feelings of loneliness. Don't hesitate to seek out new connections or explore activities and communities aligned with your interests, where you may find individuals who resonate with you on a deeper level.

[@skyking6989]

My best friend saved my life after a motorcycle accident. I would have died if it wasn't for him. Hes not my friend he is my brother. When i say i trust him with my life. I mean it. Friendship like ours comes along once in a lifetime!

[@genem5448]

Elizabeth is on the money again today. I do need to point out that with some kinds of neurodivergence, these things are still true but look different. You will be used to having your negative feelings invalidated. You may not be able to be "predictable" to people who are used to a certain set of social cues. If you have trouble reading social cues, most of the world becomes completely unpredictable to you. This may cause you to value those who are blunt or even mean, because you don't have to guess how they feel and they are more predictable even if you never get your pain validated. You're so used to never getting validation for your pain that you start to think that's the best you can do. All this becomes better when you're around people who understand your brain, whether it's because they have your neurodivergence, or because they're educated on it, or because they accept other people's pain as true by default and treat people with curiosity and compassion. Those people exist and you deserve people you can trust to both be honest and predictable and validate your discomfort with understanding. You can have both.

[@heathwilder]

Very true. A sizable proportion of the people around me are neurodivergent for this reason

[@Lolzadoodle8484]

Yesss most of my close friends are neurodivergent or understanding of neurodivergence for this very reason ❤

[@ShainaCilimberg]

It is hard as an autistic person

[@allesdurchprobiert]

❤ But where to find autistic introverts IRL?

[@ShainaCilimberg]

@@allesdurchprobiert I don't know man. I'm an autistic extrovert

[@jackreads]

It's funny because I was recently thinking about loneliness, longing. You can tell from Van Gogh's work how deeply sad he was, but I wonder if people can see the loneliness in my eyes. I don't have any friends, and I haven't socialised with another human being since March. I love art and literature and I obviously know the value of friends, but I feel like my loneliness is stopping me from being able to fulfil any of my desires or just function on the most basic level. I feel so disconnected from society, as if I'm totally alone in this universe

[@thecozyconstellation]

i feel exactly the same. i'm just floating by, invisible... dead inside. i don't have any fun, i never do anything interesting outside the house.

[@albertozalon8477]

Ive meet few people like what you just described in thoose few occasions i attempted to make a connection. Only to be meet with a stone wall. Or disregard. Often individuals who have dealt with rejection or social outcasting will settle in their minds in such a way that they will never take a step to fix it.

[@astoldbynickgerr]

hello fellow astronaut

[@ashwinirajgopal]

I feel and I’m living exactly the same way. But I think we are people who think and feel deeply to ever connect with others who are not on the same level. Believe me when I tell you that losing yourself in a friendship is more hurtful than not losing yourself or your authenticity being your own companion. Mindset and deep work is very important. Yes human connection is important but I don’t think people like us who have difficulty connecting or feel deeply can ever find happiness or comfort with a lot of people out there.

[@nics0ul]

I can relate too, I was making a pretzel the other day and literally felt invisible. Sometimes I feel like were transparent even though we’re made of trillions of cells. Having low serotonin/dopamine can distort your reality too and make life seem really cold. I like the quote “what you’re not changing, you’re choosing.” some days it can feel so hard to find joy but we gotta put ourselves out there, go for walks or go to concerts to feel alive. there are a lot of great humans on this planet despite what the news tells us

[@gadflyfiction]

there are friends and friends, not all friendships are based on the same foundations. Some are based around pleasure, the enjoyment of mutual activities. Some are based around utility, what we gain from each other. And the rarest of all is the virtuous friendship. This is the friendship everyone seeks and longs for, a true relationship in which both members see the other as another self. Nothing strikes closer to home than realizing that what you thought was a mutual deep friendship was only on your side while the other individual only saw it as a pleasure or utilitarian friendship.

[@yakarotsennin3115]

Adding on to this, part of life is understanding that you’ll have these specific types of friendships and that’s ok. Having these types of friendships fulfill many aspects of what a individual needs in society. However as you are implying, it’s good to clarify what type of friendship you have with someone… This is important for both parties so that if you disagree with or need something that friendship isn’t providing, you can end it in good faith

[@Sophia.sunsun]

You've captured an essential aspect of friendships - the varying foundations upon which they are built. Different friendships can indeed serve different purposes, whether it's based on shared activities, mutual benefits, or a deeper connection where both individuals see each other as kindred spirits. It can be disheartening to realize that a friendship you considered deep and meaningful may not be perceived the same way by the other person. Remember that friendships involve two individuals with their own perspectives, needs, and expectations. While it may be disappointing to discover mismatched expectations, it's important to understand that not all friendships will reach the level of virtuous connection. It's worth focusing on nurturing relationships that are built on mutual understanding, respect, and support. By seeking out and investing in friendships where both parties prioritize and value each other's well-being, you increase the chances of finding the kind of deep connection and companionship that you long for.

[@diego750]

Wait til you hit your 40s - friendships, finding them, maintaining them, re-establishing them, is quite an experience. I think by this point, the feelings I had about needing to feel wanted by friends have dissipated, because I have a life companion and a dog, so the friendships I have I know exist because the people still in my life want to be there, rather than due to convenience/proximity.

[@depsilon4]

Amen sister. Never felt more lonely than while living with my spouse of 22 years. But it is my fault for wanting a family and I am just learning now that I wanted a family of my own to feel like I belong. I ended up just as isolated and not belonging except this time within the family I created and I could have avoided going though this at all and wasting almost 25 years of my life and the life of the members of my family. Some people should not be in relationships and I am realizing now I am one of them. A lesson I wish I could have learned without wasting the precious time of my children and spouse.

[@laurenbarber8579]

I’m sorry :(

[@JTScott1988]

Oooohhhh man that’s just the WORST…. I know what u feel.

[@depsilon4]

@@JTScott1988 While I severely regret what happened, I do my best to move forward with life in peace. I have great respect and appreciation for everyone that can be in a long term relationship and improve the lives of others around them. If you find people like that in your life and you have the faculties to reciprocate, keep those people in your life, they are harder to find than you may think.

[@depsilon4]

@-RoyBatty- Guilty as charged, almost. My ignorance at trusting others around me that the point of life is to create families was intended for people who care about emotion and have the capacity to bring the best out of people, not someone like me. I have autism and no matter how well I have tried, I don't respond to social cues that indicate the ability to change a person's life for the better and I overlooked that because people assumed it was not possible for me to be autistic. They were wrong and I should have trusted myself more and that would have saved everyone else pain and suffering. I have two points to explaining this, 1 - besides autism there are multitudes of reasons that people should not engage in relationships or creating families if they don't recognize they lack the capacity to do so effectively, 2 - romantic relationships are a patriarchal, misogynistic gaslighting technique to oppress women into opening-their legs with men they otherwise would not engage in reproductive congress with. The primary western mindset of consumerism and "what do you bing to the table" is malignant. Before every relationship begins, the question asked should be "How can I help this person become a better version of themselves and leave them in a better place from whence I found them while doing the least amount of damage to those in their life around them"". But nobody asks those questions, it's the sexual body count that matters while we all run headlong into a life of pain and trauma. Yes, this is selfish of me and it serves as a warning to others that maybe can see these problems before I did. It was not as simple as having kids would fix the problem, I was told that wanting a family to grow and take care of was not selfish, but that is for loving people like you that know more about life than I do. Just like I am a murderer for paying taxes because that money ends up killing people through the military, so too I am a murderer for having kids knowing that one day they will die. Sleep tight in knowing that.

[@Sophia.sunsun]

I'm truly sorry to hear that you're feeling lonely within your marriage and that you're reflecting on the decisions and choices you've made. It's important to remember that hindsight is 20/20, and we often learn and grow from our experiences, even if they may not have turned out as we had hoped. Recognizing and understanding our needs for belonging and connection is a valuable step towards personal growth and self-awareness. It's never too late to explore and prioritize what brings you a sense of fulfillment and happiness. While it may be painful to acknowledge the impact on your family and loved ones, it's important to focus on the present and future. Seek support from trusted friends, family, or even professional counselors, who can provide guidance and help you navigate these complex emotions and decisions. Remember to be kind to yourself as you navigate this journey of self-discovery. It's never too late to make positive changes and find happiness in ways that align with your true self.

[@keiththorpe9571]

Yeah, friendships are weird, aren't they? It's like, you find another person and say to yourself: "I like this human being...I think I'll do stuff with them, or something..."

[@larkfly9273]

this is so accurate! i've always found friendships to be kind of a peculiar companionship, much more confusing than family and romantic relationships

[@aliveslice]

I will do stuff with them 😼

[@meryllejoyercilla5387]

I've seen a comment that said that your friends are chosen siblings

[@iiCounted-op5jx]

@@aliveslice lol

[@iiCounted-op5jx]

@ngnoiddottv yep

[@gabbyrk87]

I lost my best friend who I considered soulmate not too long ago due to a lot of issues and it’s been horrible and it’s definitely like you have lost a part of your brain and soul. The last part really resonated with me and I am glad this video found me. It’s so hard to move on from things like this and not many people nowadays talk about the grief that comes with ending a friendship.

[@magneticmoonstone]

So true! I've ended my communication with a lover several months ago and now I'm loosing my best friend. The last one hurts a lot more, but it is also more meaningful as I can see the lesson more clearly. Good luck to you, you'll overcome the grief and be at a much better place ❤

[@gabbyrk87]

@@magneticmoonstone thank you for your kind words. I hope you also find peace through this difficult process❤️

[@elisabethherzog9369]

I lost my best friend too less than a year ago and I too feel like a part of me is missing. It’s even harder because I never really got closure, we’re still “friends” but our friendship is very broken and I don’t know what to do about it. She hurt me really bad but it’s hard to talk about to most people because as you said people don’t really talk about or acknowledge the hurt a broken or lost friendship can cause. I hope you find peace in your situation because I know how painful it is.

[@gabbyrk87]

@@elisabethherzog9369 i am so sorry to hear that I can definitely relate with you on not getting the closure because it leaves you with more questions and doubts and it’s so much more harder to end that chapter of your life. What I slowly realized was closure comes from within. Doing what brings me the most peace and happiness was the closure for me as cheesy as that sounds. As one chapter closes another one awaits us. Sending you lots of love 🫶

[@Jacquline444]

Same it sucks and Is way harder because that person knew you so well and now they are gone

[@NYKIRA]

"what about our friends makes us feel insecure" Asking these questions and allowing yourself to acknowledge what that friend might represent to you can truly be so healing, I know for myself it's helped me to feel more settled when I've been upset by others or have felt shame. I love how creatively insightful your videos are!! 💗

[@Rbcop1]

"Do you ever feel lonely?" "Only around people" The Thin Red Line. One of the most relatable lines in Cinema

[@LinhHoang-sh6xm]

This hit home so hard. I’ve lived with a group of friends for the past 3 years and outside of my own break up, the other friends break up, our friendship also are broken up. I move in a couple days and I can’t help getting emotional that it was almost like nothing had happened the past 3 years. Everything will be forgotten. This part of my life didn’t mean anything to some people. And it cut deep.

[@Sophia.sunsun]

Experiencing a breakup within a group of friends can be incredibly challenging and painful. It's natural to feel a sense of loss and sadness when relationships that were once close and important to you start to fracture or come to an end. While it can be disheartening to think that the memories and shared experiences may fade or be forgotten by some people, it's essential to remember that the impact those years had on you and the connections you formed are still valid and meaningful. Your growth, the lessons learned, and the bond you shared with those friends shaped who you are today. Moving forward, it's important to focus on nurturing relationships that are mutually supportive and fulfilling. Cherish the memories and experiences you had during that time, and carry them with you as valuable reminders of the connections you are capable of forming. Surround yourself with people who appreciate and recognize your worth, and who will be there to create new memories and experiences with you. Your next chapter holds the potential for new and meaningful connections that will continue to shape and enrich your life.

[@personal.evolution]

It made me realize (once again) what a toxic person I must be to others. And that it is for the best, not to maintain any cloase relationships. Because I'm not reliable with my emotions and actions and how i feel towards a person. Especially when they get cloase, because thats thretening to me. Eventhough there is a deep longing inside of me to have meaningful connecections to others. Knowing that I'd most likely be harmful at some point, helps me to accept better that this is not going to be my path. So I can rather focus on contribuiting to society in a different way, be productive, working hard, maintaing good selfcare and this way I'm a better contribution to this world and doing less harm. Its not like I'm going to change my life because of it. But I feel better of the life I've already chosen. So thank you! You are doing a great job there.

[@Celatra]

i mean if you fear being harmful then perhaps work on that aspect of yourself, just sayin..

[@personal.evolution]

​@@Celatra I'm wondering what the motives of your reply could be. Maybe just randomly saying something. Maybe expressing your frustration about harmful people who wouldn't change themselves. Maybe you are hoping to help and don't know how. Though its a little confusing, all three motives seem valid to me. As little it is helpful of me admitting that I can be hurtful to others. It doesn't make much of a difference. I mean I think its great when people admit their mistakes. But as long as they don't do something about it. Whats the point. Maybe there is no point. Its just life. Lacking of solutions. But many possibilities to learn something, at least.

[@jlina]

I think that you can feel whatever you want to feel without being harmful. You can even say things that might be harmful in a way that is not harmful. I suspect the issue with your statement was you basically sound like you want to be harmful and you're fine with that which most people could not fathom, thus the comment. You don't have to do or say everything that you think 😊

[@personal.evolution]

@@jlina Thank you for clarifying that. I do resign somewhat. Because whats the point of relationships if you feel like you can't be yourself, worrying about others. I agree there must be a way of some selfcontrol. But its not like being harmful just for fun. When I'm harmful then its because I'm hurt too. I realised the patterns. It's not on purpose. I rather feel then like I need to defind myself, humanity, life, the planet whatever. Its irrational. I know at least then I need to avoid people when I feel hurt. Which is also hurtful in itself. I don't believe everything I think or feel. Its wired not to be able to trust your emotions.

[@markigirl2757]

@@personal.evolutionfeel you on that although I have been more hurt by others then the hurting them but I can’t say for sure if I were in ur shoes it would of been the best I didn’t do that and instead got hurt instead bc apparently hurting others is more problematic then hurting urself which unfortunately is pushed by society to think this way. I think it’s better to at least have a friendship or two with folks like urself and be upfront if they come along ur way that way u can gauge if they are a waste or time or not. That’s my only advice but if u feel it’s not worth it then do ur own thing and it could be u just aren’t wired to care for others like the rest and ur thought process isn’t wrong I just think most people can’t fathom not needing people all the time and to that they lack empathy for that situation and again how can they understand when they are not wired like that.

[@annaspeaks373]

Sometimes I feel lonely around others, when I was younger I thought that problem is me but during years figured out that everything is ok with me

[@dangvy7022]

Elizabeth, today is the first time I feel so so thankful for the existence of the Internet, and the sheer coincidence that led me to discover your channel. Your content has always been so great, relatable, and instantly helpful. But today's video especially touches my heart. I've always been an introvert, awkward around people, yet everytime I opened myself up to someone, they turned out to be toxic narcissists. They destroyed me and what I valued most about myself. So I actually felt more at peace when I was just by myself. I used to wonder if I was a freak for not having any friends. I used to feel ashamed to tell people I didn’t have friends. It took me a while to realize my 'foundation' was twisted by my parents, and it's not entirely my fault for being the way I am. I just have a lot of work to do, a long journey of rewriting my tendencies and learning the way to form healthy friendships.

[@toto-chan8140]

hey angel, may I share something with you? I would like describe myself as an introvert with social skills lmao. I mean that I can communicate with people without too much pressure, and if I want, I can make a ton of friends (I think so). however I feel very tired and even sick after I have conversations with many folks. I'm still introverted, so it took me a lot of time to recharge energy even though the conversations were tedious. I find nothing interesting in people. That's not the fault of anyone. I just simply can't fit with them and vice versa. At the end of the day, becoming best friend with myself is the intriguing thing. From my perspective, I prefer spending time on my own to hanging out or chatting with unconnected people. I'm trying to get a deeper understanding of myself, and then I believe that I could find the beloved soul. (hopefully we could find a strong friendship like Liz and Sheen in the future) btw: I'm so sorry for my awkward english hiuhiu

[@Sophia.sunsun]

I'm truly sorry to hear about the difficult experiences you've had in forming friendships and the impact it has had on your self-esteem. It takes a great deal of strength and self-awareness to recognize patterns and understand the influence that your upbringing has had on shaping your tendencies. Please know that you are not a freak or abnormal for not having friends. Many people go through periods of loneliness or struggle to form healthy connections with others. It's important to remember that your worth and value as an individual are not determined by the number of friends you have. Taking the time to focus on yourself and prioritize your well-being is a courageous step. Working on rewiring your tendencies and learning how to establish healthy friendships is an ongoing journey that will require patience and self-compassion. Surround yourself with supportive individuals, seek guidance from trusted sources, and consider therapy or counseling as tools to help you navigate through this process. Remember, forming healthy friendships is possible, and you have the power to cultivate connections with people who appreciate and support you for who you are. You deserve to have fulfilling and nourishing relationships in your life.

[@s1111rrah]

This was a great video… But after having a spiritual awakening you really do see things differently. There were so many points I wish that we could have had a conversation on. A few of them are karma, soul contracts. Some people are literally here to learn to be better people, and often that doesn’t mean they’re perfect. We can not control other people, we can only control our thoughts and ourselves. If you don’t want someone in your life, you don’t allow them. You don’t give them energy. Letting go is part of life. You learned everything with them or you go on a different path. Sometimes that’s just one of you growing up/maturing… being a good friend. You can miss someone and have memories but not want them back. Memories are visits. You can also love people without having them in your life.

[@lauravsthepage]

I am still watching, but I wanted to give my 2 cents regarding accepting how your friends feel when they tell you that you hurt them/made them feel in some negative way. I do believe in hearing and accepting friends feelings, and always being open to the possibility you acted like a jerk, but sometimes their reactions to your behavior can be a signal that a more serious conversation needs to be had beyond just you auto-apologizing every time. I have been in friendships where the other person would become insecure and upset for frankly... really unfair reasons. I have done the same! Especially when I was younger. Its important to always listen and try to empathize but also establish boundaries in situations where that is needed.

[@Sophia.sunsun]

You raise a valid point about the importance of listening to and accepting the feelings of our friends when they express hurt or negative emotions towards us. It's crucial to be open to self-reflection and the possibility that we may have acted in a hurtful or thoughtless manner. However, it's also essential to consider the context and examine whether the reactions or feelings expressed by our friends are reasonable and fair. Sometimes, misunderstandings or insecurities can lead to exaggerated or unfair reactions. Establishing healthy boundaries and engaging in open and honest conversations is crucial in these situations. It's important to communicate your perspective and feelings, while also being receptive to the feelings and concerns of others. Finding a balance between being empathetic and understanding, while also advocating for your own needs and boundaries is key to maintaining healthy and respectful friendships. Ultimately, every situation is unique, and open and respectful communication is vital in navigating any issues or conflicts that arise within friendships.

[@leirem0]

I jumped when I saw the title of this video - I am in the process of getting diagnosed for ADHD and as a result, SO MANY of my toxic teenage/university friendships now make sense to me - rejection sensitivity dysphoria is very real. Fall outs with friends from 15 years ago still give me nightmares and decimated my self esteem, and the trauma from these toxic friends have completely broken my ability to make and keep friends in my 30s. So thank you for this video ❤ As an aside - the images in this video (such as the Trelawney one) are really cool! Are they AI? If so I would LOVE to see a video of how you make them. If they are illustrations, hats off for spending so much time on making them so detailed!

[@AaronMartinProfessional]

I second this. Both the commentary and the request for AI image creation. I’ve seen the amazing images but struggle with getting good results.

[@BozhidarKurtev]

Don't jump too quickly to conclusions about ADHD. At a certain point, I thought I had it too but it turned out to be information overload and lack of good life management.

[@radishesandtherest4152]

@@BozhidarKurtev Good advice! How are you doing now, any tips for getting back on track?

[@BozhidarKurtev]

@@radishesandtherest4152 Declutter your mind as much as possible and stop things that keep repeating. Self-restraint and patience.

[@radishesandtherest4152]

@@BozhidarKurtev Thanks x

[@gayathrinair6744]

Honestly Elizabeth, your videos are just, just perfection. There’s nothing else on KZbin like it, love the format. And no matter how much of a break, I know I’ll always be coming back to see my Internet big sister.

[@do9291]

Elizabeth, we all enjoy hearing from your videos. Please don't stop creating content. It's rare to find someone like you that we can identify with. I've heard that making videos is time intensive, but you don't need to make it fancy if that saves you an enormous amount of time. Just hearing from you is immensely helpful to us all.

[@Bmayo27]

You’re a beautiful soul. As a full-time single dad living in America, I know this is easier said than done. But, go lightly / easy on yourself. You’re doing your best, to expect more is too much pressure. ….i.e. a stick can only bend so far before it breaks. That ten year projection example you mentioned is a great clarifier (and one I’d never heard). I’ve heard “write your obituary, and work backwards from that.” But, the ten years suggestion is a great one (especially around your example of friendships). Sending you much love, respect, wishing you lots of success in all your future endeavors.

[@MollyFalck]

I went through a friendship breakup this past year after finally accepting how mentally and emotionally abusive my friend was. This video brought up those negative feelings I’ve been trying to get over, but also helped me realize I made the right decision in cutting this person out of my life, especially the advice at 24:16 ❤️

[@babyben8489]

Please continue it's pretty nice to be able to pick someone's brain without the awkwardness of asking a billion questions and we view things at about the same maturity level and it's refreshing to not feel alone

[@kdog3908]

Friendships are like smoke for me. ADHD makes it hard to form lasting relationships so friendships, for me, are best treated like smoke. The lasting few lasting friendships are ones which have very little expectation from either party, if any. The friendships i've had which have ended acrimoniously have been a result of one party, usually the other person, expecting far more from me than i've been willing or able to give. I've lost a potential marriage partner as a result of this. I recall the phone call like it happened this morning. There was nothing in the call that was overtly 'final' but when the conversation ended and the line clicked dead I had the sure and certain feeling i'd just lost something vital. I've not heard from her since and the fact we've had an opportunity to talk again and she's not reciprocated speaks volumes. I really did f*** something special up. I've not bothered getting that close to anyone since.

[@kellyloganme]

Combination of topics - I had several partners who enjoyed me reading them to sleep. It is something I really enjoy from a performance standpoint and it provides me a bunch of validation that someone feels so comfortable, so trusting, they will fall asleep while I'm awake.

[@888Delphi]

Thank you so much for making this video. Relationships are our most valuable asset…. But too fragile to discuss what hurts or misunderstandings… People feel safe to tell a significant-other how they feel hurt… but not friends. You’re right. It takes serious emotional intelligence to both understand oneself & to allow safe room for another person to have their experience. It takes real, vulnerable convos to get to an understanding of eachother, just like we work it out with a romantic partner. Long lasting friendships deserve the effort, but most don’t communicate safely & honestly. Thank you for making this video; It’s so comforting to witness my own experiences being explained by you. It gives me hope.

[@StephenAnderson-uz7jl]

Please keep making videos, Elizabeth! I love hearing what you have to say. Your insights register strongly with me. (a 70 year old American male) You are so wonderful and wise beyond your years.

[@santiagoconan]

Audiobooks are very nice to help me fall asleep when I'm too tired to sleep, but not so much as to “disconnect” my mind. And they help me as well to keep my English listening skills (mother tongue Spanish) and to hear the original English versions of books I've read in Spanish, such as the Sherlock Holmes stories, Poe's, Lovecraft's (Lovecraft's horrors are particularly good to be heard), Pride and Prejudice, Frankenstein... I'm an irregular watcher of your videos but I enjoy your thought provoking reflections on things, and as I'm highly introverted and quite not-a-guy-with-a-routine (though improved on that recently) I empathize easily with some of your struggles

[@olivenprinzessin7220]

This is actually pretty good advice! Even though we often know those things internally, it‘s good to have someone else tell them so you don’t feel like you‘re too sensitive. Gives one the opportunity to take more care of oneself.

[@megrocks3026]

You’re so smart and you always bring new perspectives that i never thought about I, too, never feel lonely by myself. I only feel lonely in a room full of people who are friends and interacting I quite enjoy my own company and privacy But its the idea of being seen alone that brings shame, embarrassment and that feeling of loneliness

[@mirouu13]

If ”friends” make you angry with saying something. They can say firstly ”i think” or ”i feel” and that is not making big difference always. People say to you hurtful things even they are telling what they feel in some kind of situations. If i just have break up from girlfriend, and my ”friend” is ”feeling” or ”thinking” something that makes me angry. It is not always so good. And everybody is sometimes also thinking and feeling something bad about people. And it is not always good thing to say what we feel and think. But still telling feelings and thoughts is one of most important things in relationships. ” i think you are looking ugly today”. There is foolish thing somebody can say. If it is hurtful. And if we are not talking about what we feel or what we think, what an earth we are ever even talking about? But ofc if you are just feeling bad and thinking badly about your ”friend”. I don’t then know. But interesting and good video.

[@antonellocalo9787]

Elizabeth we love your content!!! Watching you get emotional at the end of the video was heartbreaking, please don't think that what you say in your videos is obvious or useless!!! Your content is teaching me and plenty of other people a lot about brain mechanisms and how to overcome mind barriers! Love you from Italy ❤

[@NelsonStJames]

People always tell the lonely that the cure to loneliness is to go out and be around people, but the reason many lonely people choose to be by themselves is that few things are worse than feeling lonely in a crowd, and especially a group of "friends and acquaintances" that you know you have very little in common with.

[@Shirumoon]

Yup „just go out and meet people“ - okay but 99% of time I feel like crap afterwards. I have social anxiety so kind of a more niche life experience but still. I go out sometimes regardless because I see the value in having friends but *the process* does not bring me an ounce of joy. I wish others would consider this before giving me basic unasked for advice.

[@natalievanrooyen6746]

Hi Elizabeth, don't comment much but I would just like to say I wish you could know the deep level of appreciation and respect I hold for you and I am always grateful for your contributions! Just been through exams myself so I know how disruptive and horrible they can be, congrats for them being over :) Friendships are something I struggle with myself, a the way you talked about the feeling of safety being in relation to how predictably you think the other person will behave explains a lot. If you're worrying whether or not you have something to say, or why you are doing this, I hope the knowledge that you have made my life unspeakable better through enabling me to think in different ways helps. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day, be kind to yourself and others, and don't believe everything you think :)

[@curtisholsinger6023]

Imposter syndrome sucks, I could feel your honesty at the end of the video where you talked about how your brain is telling you you are "nust making videos" and it isn't important. I can tell you, HONEST CONTENT MATTERS. Your emotion, your research, your weighty subject topics, theu are all appreciated. This matters. Thank you.

[@happymelonboy3792]

33:02 This part was so... honest. Seeing you get emotional made me go slightly emotional too and it really came as a surprise... I'd like to comment on a thing you said, namely: "do I have anything to say". Recently I've been strongly addressing a simmilar thought i therapy and I believe a feeling of concern you wanted to express by this really resonates with me. I genuinely believe that even if some of the things you say in your videos seem simple to you they still have a lot of value to us viewers. It's mainly because you offer something that I havent seen much on the internet - a dissection of a thought from the point of view of someone that has struggled with the very thing they are explaining and managed to understand their thoughts and feelings on the matter. It's like looking at a future self that is a few steps further on the road to self improvement than the current self. Please do know that I (and probably a lot of people here) admire you and your work. Honestly you have become one of the most important figures in my life if it comes to understanding myself. Don't lose hope in yourself and don't believe in everything you think

[@hanina.2237]

I appreciate the art work in your videos, especially this one so so much

[@Dharmaholic]

28:07 and beyond. Elizabeth. Stay a little longer. We almost never do something for a whole lifetime, but please keep doing this for us. There is no one quite like you in YT that combines head-use and heart-felt communication. You are a little unpredictable, and therefore we can't be close friends, but what you give to the world with your quirky look at common humanity is extraordinary. Be it Art, or Psychology, or Productivity, or whatever you turn your mind to, the thoughtfulness combined with your personality brings light into a world of banality. Bravo, young Elizabeth.

[@3row4wy23]

Hey Lizzie, this video hit another bullseye for me! I used your "Heal Yourself" video as a guide when I finally confronted a friend of 12 years with the intent of fixing our friendship. 22:05 helped me realize that we never had a "shared brain" - sometimes we even fail to understand when the other is joking or serious, which feels really troubling considering how long we've known each other. Thanks for another eye-opening video!

[@swymaj02]

I often feel lonely when im with others. But I do feel crap when Instagram shows my uni mates hanging with each other while i sit at home, go to the park, walk around or take a tram, see my parents, or go morth of the river Thames for errands.

[@resistancepublishing]

Modern dilemma is that there are more introverts today than ever. For me, having 24 access to the internet, i take the time to learn more about myself and about the world we live in. The more I learn and experience, the more mature I become. most people around me are caught up in TikTok, instagram and whatever brainless entertainment they find on social media. I desperately try not to waste my time and spend it learning something I can benefit from. when I do take the time to engage in conversations around me I easily get bored with people because they only want to talk about the nonsense they learn from TikTok or whatever trending crap that’s happening. It’s sad.

[@mmoore9173]

These are such needed insights. Thank you! My female friendships are so disappointing and I have been pointing this at myself for years wondering what my problem is. I feel like I just had a deep therapy sesh 🏆

[@lailahkhalil2914]

Elizabeth - take a deep breathe and know you are doing a world of good with your videos. I’m currently in grad school for counseling somatic psychology, and I’ve been learning more from your videos than my classes. Your creativity and aesthetics are absolutely beautiful and so well crafted. It’s a breathe of fresh air to see a unique perspective and style in a time when most are going for the trends. My mother is a professional artist and I grew up surrounded by conversations on art history, philosophy, history, and such. Of all the creators I’ve come across, your channel has been the most informative and engaging. So thank you for doing such an amazing job. It’s motivating me to step outside my own shell and begin my own public work. You’re brilliant and I can’t wait to see how you continue to evolve in this field!

[@iasminaraujo7109]

I think I really need to take my time and write about every single one of this topics. Having such a hard time with friendship, I think it's time for me to understand my feelings, standards, flaws and take control over them. That's a great video

[@xxqueenofdarkness]

Elizabeth, thank you for this video. I was in Amsterdam two days ago, unfortunately I couldn't visit the Van Gogh museum. Anyway: I watched the video three times. I really needed to hear your message. You made me think about the fact that most if not all of my friendships and relationships with people have been about me not expressing / presenting/ myself the way that I truly am, me trying to fit in around people who have nothing valuable to offer me and who don't respect the things that I'm good at, me not having strong boundaries and people disrespecting me because they think that it is acceptable. After watching the video, you made me think about all these people I need to have a conversation with now... And you are definitely right about the self shame and accepting other people's point of view when they express something.We should always question our actions and words too, not just question other people. Thank you for convincing me to revalue all of my current friendships and my interraction with my family. I hope God will give me opportunities for accepting better behavior by other people around me if I finally cut ties with the wrong people and set boundaries with family. It is scary if you have constantly felt lonely and it changes you. I think the ''rewiring'' of the brain after a break up is a good thing - if you remove one toxic person from your life, your whole life can change, your work, health, way of thinking, socialising. So cutting ties within your brain as well - basically starts to remove the other toxic results from this relationship/friendship and also energetically can set boundaries regarding the new events coming in life ''this is no longer acceptable for me''. This is ofc if the break up was a conscious decision, if it wasn't the events would happen again in different circumstances until we learn our lesson.

[@sujammaz]

this was a total instant watch/like. i expected more of an "introversion" angle here but was very pleasantly surprised to find SO much more. even when i don't relate much to one or more aspects, the sheer brilliance of your thought process makes for such an easy to follow and fascinating watch! lonelyness in general is such a HUGELY important topic and underrated problem, not only because it affects SO INCREDIBLY MANY people but also because it does the MOST SERIOUS damage - not just to personal (mental) health but to society overall. lonelyness is what makes us susceptible to the most vicious marketing and propaganda, and it is THE MAIN factor in intolerant, controlling and hateful behaviour. i have been thinking about friendships too recently, especially since the pandemic has been declared "finished" (i certainly don't agree. please wear your masks to protect each other

[@BozhidarKurtev]

Finding a good community, social circle, peer support group to stick with helps against loneliness. I often find I'm chasing away at my own goals but break down too early to reach them. Then I feel lonely. And the cycle repeats. I may have to sacrifice some of my time for it to just go out and enjoy the day.

[@cyril957]

You are one of my favorite content creators, and one of the very few whose videos I click on almost immediately upon getting the notification for it. Your book "Organized Chaos" made me feel so seen, and I've re-read it several times now. Definitely take all the breaks you need, but your work DOES make a difference 💜

[@emmamushroom257]

Hey, that for me was really valuable. I never really considered how my expectations in relationships don't always match up with what I'd be comfortable giving. I find your videos to be thoughtful and intelligent and some of us really benefit from a thoughtful and intelligent pep talk or guidance on breaking down and working on certain issues.. I can imagine those types of videos are incredibly hard to put together though, emotionally as well. "Come out on a walk in London with me" videos would be cool too! Best wishes.

[@aswinanilkumar6250]

I like to surround myself with people who I think are understanding of me. In between people who aren't like that my whole energy is drained I become dull.

[@othon_87]

I relate to all this so much, including the sleep deprivation. As usual you've articulated some things in my brain I've never been able to pin down before, this time around unhealthy friendships and family relationships. Please keep making videos! You've helped me immensely!

[@mewmew6158]

Sleep stories help so much with my falling asleep insomnia too! I still struggle with the waking up repeatedly insomnia, but I'm not really sure what to do about that one.

[@rownrown]

Just wanted to take a moment to appreciate your lovely motion graphics and editing. Not only are they so pleasing to look at but they always complement the point you're making

[@nadeeshani]

Elizabeth, you are an angel for uploading this video in such a lonely period in my life! Thank you 💗

[@LittleKikuyu]

@fonzobarber Speak for yourself, you ray of sunshine 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

[@LittleKikuyu]

@nadeeshani I love the video too ☺️ And when life feels especially lonely: potatoes and molasses help! 😉❤️

[@nadeeshani]

@@LittleKikuyu 😂😂😂 Nice to meet you fellow OTGW fan!

[@yasmine4501]

Elizabeth, I can tell especially by the end of your video that you’ve been struggling ❤Please remember that exams are stressful you deserve to replenish and rejuvenate yourself. I recently experienced something similar and gaslit myself by saying things like “omg how many exam seasons have I done etc I should be used to this by now…” honestly I wish I knew why but this one has hit me harder than previously. It’s probably been a perfect storm, a lot of childhood trauma etc is coming up for me and it’s super overwhelming. I can’t tell you how much I relate to the lack of sleep response thing. -Have you looked into a potential ADHD diagnosis? I resonate with the way your brain works and think so much. -Also the book CPTSD: from surviving to thriving by Pete walker would be a good read. -Try lavender and chamomile tea before bed, also magnesium tablets as well as magnolia bark tablets can be useful just before bed too.

[@tonidebcn]

You make me feel less lonely. I think this is one of the best videos you've ever made, if not the best. Thank you.

[@cloudmila3426]

This video is incredibly helpful, I rarely make comments on videos but this one couldn't have come up at a better time and I love all of the journaling prompts, they are really helpful for processing how I feel and behave sometimes. Thankyou for making it!!

[@kittyfittsy]

I’m shocked by how much this brought up that I wasn’t consciously aware of - I could only feel the loneliness. Thanks for articulating these helpful frameworks! In terms of feedback you asked for at the end, I would love if places to pause to work on your proposed questions were more clear! Just so I can pause to work.

[@higherdimensio]

It feels like this video was an outlet for you, if this is helping you process things or generally just having a positive impact on you then you don't need any other reason to do this. I don't agree with everything in your videos but i find it really thought provoking and refreshing to have a new perspective. It doesn't matter that every little thing isn't 100% accurate because ultimately a lot of it is your personal experiences and what works for you might not work for me, but i still find it valuable regardless.

[@medsm3113]

I’m only 5 minutes into the video but I am amazed and grateful. This isnt a topic people discuss often. In a way, I thought I am alone in this feeling. I will probably try to approach it once with my friends and see what their stories are…maybe they have felt lonely too sometimes when we were all together.

[@cyberbl1tz6]

You are one of my favorite KZbinrs. You are just as qualified as any other person. I've been in a period of reconstruction in my life and your videos have been a God send. I have struggled with depression and loneliness since the death of my father and also from leaving an abusive marriage. This video was very helpful to me. The idea of a "shared brain" explains a lot of the pain I have been experiencing.

[@zeromailss]

Fantastic video. Not only the content is great but the editing is also amazing Anyway I'm sure this will help me one day when I have friend

[@amandafey]

I've been through a lot of really horrible and traumatic things in life that most people haven't. And those that do, generally end up in prison, homeless, on drugs, lifelong psych wards, or dead. So, I guess you could say I was one of the rare "lucky" ones to be able to overcome ALL of that and end up being REALLY successful, happy, well-adjusted, AND with excellent health despite it all. However, I find other people completely unrelatable, and even undesirable, to associate with because my worldview is totally different. I don't come from ANY kind of privilege or advantages in life, but worked hard for everything I have. Most other people I meet are very entitled, spoiled, clueless, naive, and "soft" to how the world REALLY is. I've seen a much, much darker and sinister side of humanity than other people have. So, I actually prefer to be alone MOST of the time. Being around other people has ALWAYS made me feel even MORE isolated and alone, and looking forward to getting away, back to my "creature comforts" as quickly as possible.

[@gloriabeatriz9530]

Thank you so much for making this video. Im 18 years old and in the beggining of college, and after years of being emotionally abused by my parents and family, and having toxic friends, I ended up being very confused about having friends and setting boundaries. I tend to be overly nice and feel guilty for saying no and setting boundaries, because everyone around me shamed me very much for just feeling hurt or sad about something they did. So is hard to me understand what a truly healthy relationship is and this video helped me very much.

[@anujingooa694]

Hey i don't know what i should say but i think you should feel what your feeling and judge yourself (if you're often harsh in yourself)less and less just follow your heart wants to do at that momement And i know it's not easy to let go of traumas forever and i just want to say only person truly can heal you is you and loving yourself will do wonders I m not good at these kind of stuff but i hope it made you feel a little bit better 🧸❤️

[@bobsherwood3542]

Just stumbled on this video, it was very much needed. Thank you so much.

[@lavinia7620]

10:46 "do they accept and encourage your shame while never showing it themselves?" you just summed up my childhood

[@hamburgerdeern7338]

I'm not feeling lonely but your videos are always full of inspiration - so never let the imposter get in to your way, please. Just one example: As you mentioned the importance of predictibility in a friendship I finally found a way to reframe the never ending repeating of stories by my friend (even after reminding them mid of story that I know it already) into something good. They do not do that to hurt me but I tend to feel closeness in already knowing all those things about them but they seem to forget or just enjoy telling those stories. Next time I will (only with a tiny hint of loving tease) thank them for providing me the feeling of savety by telling this story so often. Because let's be real: If they would stop after all this time I would at this point be concerned they even forgot the story or do not want to share stories with me anymore XD

[@helensiebeneich9106]

Elizabeth your videos are so unbelievably valuable. At the beginning I thought I knew where this was headed, and in fact you covered some of my expected points, but your way of connecting them together is so novel and brilliant.

[@cassandraxpaz]

This video was extremely insightful 🙏 I’m currently going through a shift in friendships and this video highlighted how sometimes we gravitate towards people that make us feel “comfortable”, but what’s comfortable may not always be what’s best for us.

[@JTScott1988]

Part of the contented feelings we have with friends, lovers, family that we have in the moment is due to the chipping away at one’s self worth that’s done when ur systematically mistreated and devalued. When u don’t believe u deserve better, u learn to accept that mistreatment and, by extension, learn to be satisfied with that mistreatment. I feel lonely around some people, but not all.

[@anisapetraj7457]

I believe your video is very helpful I shared it with my sister.

[@naomihoang2212]

Watched 'til the end and wanted you to know that what you're doing is helpful, valuable and much needed. 💗 You're the only KZbinr whose productivity style/advice suits my ADHD brain and you have a gift in helping feel informed, validated and not shamed. I hope you continue making videos - at the same time, understand that you need to do what's best for you long-term. Wishing you all the best! 🙏 xxx

[@elginubalde2902]

Hi Lizzie, Peaceful alone, peaceful when we are with love-ones, peaceful when we are in a familiar group, peaceful when we are alone in a crowd. Keep your awesome video.

[@wplants9793]

Friendships are incredibly important to me. I’m 41 with 2 kids, a rundown small house and a chronic illness. In a fantasy world I’d be like Monica from Friends and be the hostess, with parties and pot lucks, but I’m too ashamed of my messy cramped house at the moment. And the pandemic got me out of “having” to clean for a birthday party or playdates. I think I’ll get there once I recover from intense parenting aka when my youngest goes to school. This sounds odd but I have always been “friends” with plants, the land, history, my ancestors, mythology, and over the pandemic my kids and I befriended bees, bugs and birds. Every morning we go out and get the word from the plants and critters. Animism helps me feel less lonely and more connected. Kind of a shadow way, a coping mechanism yes, but yet nourishing. Nothing like a good convo with the flowers…then I harvest them and drink them in my tea 🙃

[@daniellek7233]

Hey Elizabeth, love your videos and intelligence. The way you analyse things and share your interests.. reading, journaling, studying, wearing all black 😂, introspection and cbt type videos. You are unique and your videos are a breath of fresh air... They make me feel clearer and happy someone else out there thinks similar to me.. and has ideas for problems I face .. I noticed a little imposter syndrome.. I value you videos, views and opinions! I have learnt some really interesting things/tools from your channel :-)

[@heyrobin]

Your video came at the perfect time for me! I'm about to let go of a 30 year friendship with someone who has turned into a bitter old woman. Thank you very much! Your suggestion that you imagine what it would be like in ten years of nothing changes was spot on! I have been thinking about sending her a letter as a matter of closure and now I know I have to. Thanks again!

[@stephenietackett3570]

This video was so helpful for me. I’m really bad with people tbh, but my last relationship was an absolute dumpster fire that I’ve been really torn up about but analysing certain aspects of it with some of you bullet points was really helpful so thank you.

[@MiguelThinks]

You somehow are able to talk about things just when I need to hear it. Working in a foreign country "by myself" is a situation that calls for this kind of video 🖤

[@chirpingbird2683]

I'm generally someone who silently watches ur videos and likes it... But i wanna say ur videos,the detailed frameworks u share r extremely helpful to me. And ofc you are someone to make a video like these since u have experienced different kinds of friendships and wanna aware ppl about their bare minimum and needs etc.... Plz keep making more like this.. ur voice and topics u talk about never bores me. Would love to know ur recommendations on psychology framework books . Lots of love 💕

[@AkshiTaro]

There will be many people who won't comment as we watch the video but do know that we relate as much as the others. For we feel 'heard' and 'seen' through this video. Thank you so much for this. 🙏😭 People have a common way of super positioning romance at the forefront that I do strongly feel that what they also describe the pain of love since love has all forms, the pain we feel from this friendship is also something that makes a person feel emotionally dented / numb😢 (never had a romantic involvement but kudos to those fellows who are healing) I think it is also one of the reasons I can no longer have trust not only in people in general but in myself as well when it comes to people 😅 so! Watching someone like you explain what I could feel but felt unable to express it feels so validating for my heart. Thank you very much! ❤

[@scattered-idea]

I usually want to be friends with people who don’t really care for me or never initiate contact. I once had a friend who would always initiate contact, ask me to hang out, text me and was friendly and quite understanding towards me but somehow her behavior invoked fear in me.. it’s weird and I don’t really understand it lol. I’m glad to have fun acquaintances

[@pearl_greytea]

This video had the perfect balance of a nice, warm family kind of vlog + running tips. I love the camera you used and how engaging of a speaker you are! You’re very encouraging. And you’re right- I 100% never heard of that town 😂

[@stephaniem2743]

Try not to criticize youreself so much! I think your content is extremely helpful. You are a very interesting, smart person. I always learn things from your videos and appreciate your perspectives. Man, friendships are so complicated! On the one hand, my friend is amazing. I often feel like she gives me way more than i give her. But at the same time, i also catch her rolling her eyes and otherwise visibly judging/annoyed by me... So yeah, I don't feel totally safe to be open, vulnerable, and authentic around her. It's confusing, but I appreciate you helping me dissect this friendship.

[@mommallama22]

I just found you Today. 3 videos in and you've changed my life and how I view multiple things (studying, memory/my forgetfulness, how to go through life and make videos as a passion because you have something to say (not because you're SUPPOSED TO say it, but because you Need to say it and because the way you say it is better for some than any way they could have heard anywhere else)... because there are always those who Needed to hear it and we just font know about them). I just started back at university two weeks ago after a 7 year sanity sabbatical and I just changed my major to psychology and I NEEDED to find you today and I am actually at the almost posting point for a podcast I want to do but I have so many hangups. I get its hard. But, I've kinda always know who I wanna be when I grow up, I've just never seen her videos until today. Hang in there. Maybe one day I'll interview you ony podcast and you can tell people about the time it got REALLY HARD during exams. 💜

[@larrya3989]

Good morning Elizabeth, I've been watching your videos to improve my knowledge and IQ, because I feel alone around friends , and more so around family so I'm reading more books, or I watch your past videos to make sure I understood you correctly ,thank you for helping me ❤

[@fatemehshahmohammad8191]

Listen to me. I get it. So much so that earlier I had a conversation with a friend and I was feeling limited in expressing myself, I clicked the video and immediately forwarded it to him, you are speaking my words.

[@elizabethdesousa8290]

I look forward to your videos, I feel like you are the voice in my head, saying the words I haven’t formulated yet ❤ I appreciate greatly how you frame your reality, creating a picture that I recognize. Thank you Elizabeth

[@hollyhedges1486]

I felt this way too like when I’m around people suddenly I’m invisible. It was especially bad with people my own age so most of my life I had no friends and while I had no friends I wasn’t really lonely but then two years ago I made a big group of friends. They all had a friend group in my school and I guess they just decided I was apart of it suddenly. I appreciated it though since usually people didn’t seem to notice me but I didn’t really care. But then I started to get closer to them and I remember sitting in a room with all of them and thinking about how no matter what they’ll all choose each other over me. Constantly they’d show me signs that they all had each others backs over mine and I wasn’t sure why it wasn’t because I joined after because people joined after me too but they seemed to like them more. Maybe I’m just not as great of a friend but I tried very hard in these friendships probably too hard. I believe it’s because I didn’t want to go back to having no one even though it wasn’t as lonely as sitting in a room with a bunch of people who I know don’t actually care about me. A lot of them were literally bullying me and I didn’t do anything about it because I was so scared of losing them. Which is so unhealthy and I realize that now. I was depending on them and they used it to their advantage but I should’ve never been dependent in the first place. Now I have one friend and I know she actually cares about me and I don’t feel this way anymore. If you’re scared to lose your friends because you may be lonely afterwards just remember that being alone is not the same as being lonely. And if your friends are hurting you I’m sure you’ll be a lot happier after leaving them behind.

[@pc7900]

Thank you so much, You are amazing and extremely likable. I purchased the Aura app based on your recommendation and I’m loving it. How amazing it would be to have a real life friend like you🥰

[@mikehunt8838]

Well, I believe I know what can help. If you focus on people around you, you're actually dealing with something that is outside of your control. And the only real thing you can do is to focus on whether YOU are a good friend. That's it - go ahead and introduce at least one good person into the society. And stick to this principle firmly.

[@andrewpowell3723]

“Physiologically feelings of arousal, fear, pain, anxiety, and happiness actually express themselves very similarly.” Wait what? Is that how it is for people who experience abuse or something? That just seems so wild to me. At least those specific responses seem so incredibly distinct to me.

[@JOYsmr]

For me my bare minimum is that they have to be looking after their physical and mental health, exercising, watching what they eat, having hobbies and ambitions and not too much screen time. I feel like a person who fulfils all that will almost always be ready to be a good friend

[@lindagatsby2559]

Elizabeeeth, I watched the whole video today after having it saved since forever, cause I am also someone who procrastiantes her life away. To answer your question in the end, YES PLEASE KEEP MAKING VIDEOS and content. I enjoy it so much. You are such an inspiration to my brain 🥹 I read your book recommendations, hell I have a whole goodreads shelf with your recs, I listen to your podcast, I watch what you post on instagram, cause I am so inspired by your wit and eloquency. As another woman in her 20ies who struggles with decision making, sleep patterns and overthinking, I enjoy seeing your journey sooo much. It makes me feel less alone and I am actually shocked that you would doubt the relevance of your content, because I find it so amazing, that I recommend it to everyone I know, calling you the way too smart med student and artist from London. Please do not ever doubt that people are out here, caring deeply about what you have to say, because you provide soo much value. Cheering you on from Austria, always. ♥