Why can't I just say NO?!

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00:29 Recognising People Pleasing Behaviour
01:48 Understanding Emotions and Codependency
03:16 The Psychosis of Codependency
06:15 Ethics of Emotional Manipulation
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[@drlarrymitchell]

As the child of a narcissistic parent, you've had your ability to defy people and say no 'disconnected' by a parent who wanted you to be manageable, malleable and compliant.

[@josephzsoka874]

I had a mother like that ... a f**king monster. She turned my brother into a mess. 30 years on and he's still an alcoholic.

[@miriamcollins7587]

Well said!!! Unfortunately you’re also not able to defy predators lol. You become the ultimate prey. This type of parent cares NOTHING about your future.

[@MissManaged1001]

Well thats definitely not how my narc mother was. I was NEVER allowed to speak up nor was I allowed to question her. When I did start speaking up as an adult that meant I was a "cold bitch."

[@lindseylush]

Very well said! I’d feel intense fear & panic if I had to confront someone or assert my boundaries.. usually leading me to avoiding it & getting taken advantage of :/

[@lisahardy2070]

Opened a fortune cookie today for the first time in years. It read, “Your first love and your last love… Is self love.”

[@josephzsoka874]

I also opened a fortune cookie which said, " NO ! "... then I put the cookie down.

[@lisahardy2070]

@@josephzsoka874 😆

[@honey-feeney9800]

Wise advice . Save that cookie .

[@josephzsoka874]

@@honey-feeney9800 no pun intended..lol

[@angelagardaner8939]

Thank you , this is so well explained. I am 53 and still struggling to say No . I end up feeling anxious and over explaining. Then it gets messy or feels messy . I am learning about false feelings and real feelings . Recently I did stick up for myself to my father in a polite way and my mother agreed with me . It’s a small step but I felt proud of myself for doing it , as usually I just let it go . I am very blessed as my son is not like me and I have intentionally had talks with him about boundaries and making loving choices for himself so he doesn’t loose himself to people . He has a much healthier sense of self worth than I do and I’m proud of him .

[@janetwilliams8587]

Good for you! ⭐️💪 I am 55 and struggle too. I'm learning a lot this year. We are going to get stronger. Thank you for sharing a little of your story. 💞

[@gracelewis6071]

Good job of breaking the cycle with your son 👏 that's something to be proud of - and now you're stepping into doing that for yourself too ❤

[@cyndigooch1162]

Angela Gardaner I'm in my 60s and I'm still in the process of learning as well, after many years of being used by people, including for company by highly narcissistic individuals. It's an incredible gift you're teaching your precious son and I can tell that you really love him. I so wish it could be the case for every child. 👩‍👦

[@angelagardaner8939]

Thank you for your kind reply . It’s so good we are all learning ❤

[@christinak5946]

Cause I'm a people pleaser and a codependent. I've learned to get my worth and value from other people...ugh but I'm working on it. Progress not perfection 🙏

[@elstoniobanderas4091]

Me too.

[@HealandInspire]

Me three…

[@HealandInspire]

My ex husband of 37 years was the NO man… Everything was no, and I can’t say the word NO if my life depends on it.. still working on myself, not sure how long it will take for me to get better. He is one of those Christian Covert Narcs.. Took me decades to figure out. Was in divorce court over 27 month. I gave up some things, just because I want to stay sane. It‘s like I‘m waking up from this huge nightmare. But it‘s not a nightmare it is real. He brutally discarded me after I confronted him. Then he ghosted me for 2 years. I need a long vacation, and unconditional love. Never got it from him.

[@gestfue432]

So am i.Good luck to us)))

[@christinak5946]

Also divorced from a covert Narcissist. I think they're the worst...you get it when you least expect it then suddenly boom...your f...d it's like what just happened? You feel crazy....they make you feel like you're insane. Brutally painful experience

[@rolandgervais154]

"No" is always a boundary. "No" can be a one-word sentence. "No" needs no further explanation. "No" is always a positive.

[@Yarblocosifilitico]

. Love that. It's like an aphorism from Nietzsche haha, I'll keep that sentence in mind. No is an affirmation. An affirmation of self.

[@wakenow7612]

The word no is always positive...okay until you are dealing with someone suicidal and you tell them to put the weapon down and they say " no" that's super positive .

[@Yarblocosifilitico]

@@wakenow7612 lol. 'Positive' is a polysemic word; it can means 'good', or just an affirmation. Example: 'are you sure?' 'Yeah, I'm positive.' Doesn't mean you're being positive as in optimistic or something haha. Literal thinking is fun... for a while. But the exceptions confirm the rule, they don't nullify it ;)

[@lisaaronson283]

Yep. No does not need to be followed up with an explanation. The famous quote "No means No" says it all.

[@rolandgervais154]

@@lisaaronson283 ...I'm not sure but I do believe that this is stated in the Bible.

[@lynneleverton8825]

I always said no and I've lived amongst narcissists my whole life. We'd have the arguments that went around in circles and I wouldn't concede. My x husband would fake a heart attack. obviously to try and shut me up. which still didn't work because I could clearly see it was very bad acting. He'd say call me an ambulance and I.d say NO I am not calling an ambulance because you're not having a heart attack. He called one himself. He wasn't having a heart attack. My mother is also narcissistic and tries to guilt trip me and I still say no. They gang up on me. call me names etc and try and beat me down and I still say No. Get the message guys. I'm not doing it!!! I've just had to cut them out of my life in the end because they can't accept I've said NO and won't stop trying to beat me down!

[@larryfairbanks1734]

It’s probably just me being old and half deaf, but could you turn it up a tad? Thank you young man. (I’ve been listening to you and Sam for something like five years now. The more I learn, the less I’m sure about. Was living a lie for fifteen years. Had to go gray rock back in 1997. Thought narcissism was someone who looked into pools of water. Haven’t a clue on how to get back any sliver of trust. They all look like alligators to me. It’s a reoccurring nightmare. Thanks for letting an old man vent. Stay safe.

[@blatonik403]

Yes, it is to low volume. Sorry to hear your sad story. I wish you all the best.

[@kimbrasue8888]

Thank you. I am living with a person who keeps telling me they want a divorce and threatening me with physical harm. Then he tells me he loves me the next day like nothing ever happened. I’m moving back to Arizona to be with my family who is loving and supportive. My stepdad just passed away and I’m realizing life is too short to be treated badly. We all deserve better. You are worth it!

[@Justjewels8436]

Wow, take care darling

[@kimbrasue8888]

@@Justjewels8436 Thanks Jewels you as well! 🙏We’re all going through things but this is a lot for me honestly all at the same time. I just flew back today from visiting from Arizona the past few days and it was sooo peaceful. That’s my home and I’m packing and am outta here within 2 weeks before my husband’s birthday. Happy fvcking birthday!!

[@Justjewels8436]

@@kimbrasue8888 i love hearing your power in those words! Give yourself a big pat on the back and enjoy the rest of this beautiful life ❤️

[@kimbrasue8888]

@@Justjewels8436 Support goes a long way and it helps to surround yourself with positive people who uplift you not try and make your life miserable. So yea I’m gonna go take my resources elsewhere where they are appreciated. This is no marriage I want long term. The next two weeks are gonna suck but it’ll get better after that! Pack up my kitties and decorations and roll out!

[@pauladuncanadams1750]

No one guilts better than religion.

[@springvic5034]

It’s cultural too. Growing up in africa and living in the U.K. now I do notice the difference in raising children. We were never our parents’ friends’. Parents were superior and you had no place to question their decisions so you couldn’t afford a ‘no’ without consequences. We went to catholic boarding schools where the same was instilled in us. Narcissistic or not it was the culture. As a result we are people pleasers and find it hard to say no for fear of conflict.

[@Mrscory77]

I learned courage the day I said “no” and grace when I payed its price , truth became my friend in need and fear just a shadow! ✌🏻❤️☯️💫

[@rolandgervais154]

A most profound insight. Thank you!

[@Mrscory77]

@@rolandgervais154 🙏🏻

[@DR-nh6oo]

People will literally do anything to avoid embarrassment, and why people perceive as embarrassing ranges from the sublime to the utterly ridiculous.

[@ratgirl13]

My default is to say no-all my life people have called me “negative” and asked why can’t I be “agreeable”-I think I’ve just been on protection mode since childhood-my mother was too needy and depended on me to be her society-being positive and agreeable meant losing myself to the whims of others, it’s made me a strange person to not readily say yes-in my middle age I’ve become a “maybe” person, it bothers people but it’s my second default. Thank you for your video it explains my experience.

[@blatonik403]

I think maybe you could spend more time with some agreeable person. Maybe you can help each other.

[@Chopsyochops]

I’m currently going through the NO phase and it’s amazing how many people don’t want to know you when there is nothing in it for them.

[@katiewright2232]

Such important advice. Richard does such a great job of making it easy to understand. I know so many people who can relate to this, including myself. Most especially, the part about manipulating children to feel guilty about making you either embarrassed or disappointed or uncomfortable, etc. this is horribly common. We see it all the time. Parents saying “I’m so disappointed in you“ which when translated means they are actually saying “you are making me feel a certain way that I don’t want to feel.” It’s so clearly a manipulation and yes, a boundary breaking experience

[@silvermoonuk]

Good video. I have people pleaser syndrome. I get annoyed at myself with other ppl taking advantage of my niceness. But I feel guilty 😔 for being assertive with others.

[@dawnwinther376]

This video's content hit home so hard. If l start to elaborate too much I will just end up crying. Pretty much my whole life has been about other peoples needs, wants, expectations, demands.......and me saying yes, due to the overwhelming fear and anxiety of upsetting and causing anger, and blame from people around me. And yes, l can see my upbringing creating the pleaser l came to be.

[@desertrose2085]

Same. Sending you a virtual hug.

[@le0ismyp00kie]

Today, I was in a situation where I tried to say no but it didn’t go well. I was pressured into something I wasn’t comfortable doing and now I can’t stop thinking about it and it left me shaking and feeling sick. This boy told me he felt a certain feeling and that he wanted to FaceTime me and see my body. I told him I can only do that with someone I really trust. He didn’t care and he kept begging. So, I gave in and went on ft with him and I saw things I didn’t want to see and I showed him something I didn’t want to show him. I was so worried about letting him down or making him mad if I said no. My biggest red flag is that I’m too much of a people pleaser and I can’t say no to others…

[@hanabi9086]

I honestly hate arguing..and that's the reason why I don't say no to people ..😢

[@lindseylush]

This is me. Confrontation or the idea of speaking up for myself terrifies me to my core.

[@ua2381]

Responsibility dysmorphia. The feeling that you are responsible for things for which you are not.

[@alexisscarbrough4083]

As a mum to 7 daughters & 1 son (ex- fundamentalist christian, 2 narc parental figs) I had zero ability to say No to my parents. The losses and injuries I've sustained, because I've been unable to decline for fear of retaliation, is enormous. What a disservice and curse it is to manipulate children! They are the future. My kids won't be treated this way.

[@annikamin1637]

Thanks for this video! I appreciate the focus on guilting children and why this is so abusive and harmful. Having been guilted heavily as a child myself, this helped me to better understand how this relates to my self-knowledge and people pleasing tendencies.

[@y04a]

I can't believe adults are guilting children conscientiously like that. I am an adult with no children, but that is just so messed up.

[@newjerseydevil6115]

I agree. It's never good to manipulate someone to do what you want and it definitely shouldn't be done to children.

[@LivingMyBestLifeIAm]

At 15 years old I forgot to empty the dishwasher and found an eviction notice on my bedroom door. Does this count ?

[@oginza]

Should've left a "better start saving for your retirement home now" notice.

[@LivingMyBestLifeIAm]

@@oginza He never had to live in a retirement or nursing home. When he fell ill, it was I who moved him across the country to live with me for 5 months until he passed away.

[@t.n.patronis4098]

I wish life had been different for me from the start. I’m in my 30s now and I’m still miserable. Part of me knows this lesson while another part refuses to trust myself whenever I sense red flags or a sense of foreboding. I’ve destroyed my peace, contentment, opportunities and finances just so other people could be happy and comfortable. Meanwhile, I lose every single time. Year after year, person after person. Friends, relatives, boyfriends, coworkers-many people have no qualms taking advantage of others and milking them for all they’ve got. I can’t change other people, and helping them has yielded no reciprocity. Changing myself is the only clear path forward. It’s challenging and I’m still failing, but I don’t want another 30 years of this. Being a codependent people pleaser is an absolute hell I have created for myself with the best of intentions and good will for others. At this point, I’m going to consider going out of my way for people to be enabling and just break it off, if I can manage it. I’m so tired of being alive at this point. This is not the kind of life I want. Many thanks as always Richard. Your candid approach to complex and painful topics is always a relief. The way you tackle these topics is always easy to understand, which I appreciate immensely. I was looking forward to this video for days. I missed the initial release due to work but I saved it for later. I’m glad I caught this one!

[@ashleykathryn9038]

I wish more people covered the fear of missing out. I feel like the narcissistic is out living it up, while I'm dealing with all the responsibilities they left behind. I'm focused on bettering my life everyday but it feels like something is missing, like I'm missing out on life somehow because of how exciting and eventful their life seemed. I'm only 24 haha

[@serenitytrek]

Don't worry about it too much -- they make 💩 up to make their lives seem more interesting -- or ✨️"Fabulous!"😎🎉. But in reality, they're miserable, seeking their next victim like a dehydrated vampire! 🧛‍♂️ 🦇🧛‍♀️

[@Reborn_Enthusist]

I have felt that way all my life and I'm 53 now. Find joy in the small things. Relish the people who truly love you.

[@seansezz]

Yeah your off to a great start

[@user-ru1nz3hc3y]

I’m 22 and I get tough fomo to. I always feel the people who bullied me back in high school are out living life and I’m a step behind. I struggled recently and went through a truly rough mental breakdown recently and i finally feel , I’m getting a tad better. I’m sure you can to. You should be the last person who gives up on yourself even if everyone in the world doesn’t believe in you. Try everything and you will undoubtedly find something that works. A good analogy is whenever you get put down you always find a way to pull yourself back up. Whenever people bully me I resist against them. whenever people block me I always find a way of making a new account. Always make yourself indestructible it annoys the very worst of people. Everything is an energy exchange and they try there best to make you feel bad. Then retaliate and make yourself feel good. All the best. You are as strong as you allow yourself to be. Remember that. ❤

[@user-ru1nz3hc3y]

Everything is an energy exchange and they try there best to make you feel bad. Then retaliate and make yourself feel good. All the best. You are as strong as you allow yourself to be. Remember that. ❤ I’m 22 I’m young to. If you need anyone to talk to, feel free to add me on Instagram. I’m willing to talk to anyone who needs to talk.

[@louisegarner8888]

Many of us have heard the Native American story of the two wolves. The modern version spread on the internet, however, varies from the original story and leaves out a fundamentally different, yet important, lesson. HERE IS THE VERSION YOU’VE LIKELY SEEN ALREADY: A Cherokee elder speaks to his grandson about life. “A battle rages inside of me,” he says. “It is dangerous and it is between two wolves. One is evil. He is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, lies, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good. He is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, and faith. The same fight goes on inside of you and inside of everyone else as well.” The grandson pondered his words and asked, “Which wolf will win?” In the version you’ve likely heard, the old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.” BUT HERE’S HOW THE ORIGINAL STORY OF THE TWO WOLVES REALLY ENDS: The old Cherokee smiled and replied, “If you feed them right, they both win.” The story goes on. “You see, if I only feed the white wolf, the black wolf will hide in the dark waiting for me to falter so that it can pounce and get the attention he craves. He will always be angry and will always be fighting the white wolf. But if I acknowledge him, both he and the white wolf can be satisfied, and we all win. For the black wolf has qualities that I need and that the white wolf lacks: tenacity, courage, fearlessness, strength of will, and resourcefulness. The white wolf instead provides compassion, caring, heart, and the ability to value the needs of others over my own. You see, the two wolves need each other. Feeding only one and starving the other will eventually make both uncontrollable. Caring for both allows them both to serve you, so that you can do something greater, something good with your time on earth. Feed them both and you will quiet their internal struggle for your attention, and, when there is no battle inside, you can then hear the voices of deeper knowledge that will guide you in choosing the right path in every circumstance. Wisely allow both to guide you as needs be in every moment and circumstance so you stay well integrated, congruent and aligned with your true self and role model that to others. Peace, my son, is what we must all strive for in life. He who has peace inside has everything. He who harbors a storm within his heart and soul has nothing. How you choose to treat the opposing forces within you will ultimately determine who you become and how you live." ~ Sourced from chipmunkbaking website. 🐺⚖️🐺💞🕊️✌️

[@lisahardy2070]

None of us asked to be here. None of us had a say-so in what we were born to be, or how we were raised. Or who/what we were raised by. Even though I have suffered greatly from the actions of narcissists… The Compassionate side of me always tries to dig as deep as I can to try and understand how they ended up there in the first place, what they had to suffer, the trauma they are saddled with…for life. As UNempathetic, uncaring, selfish and self-serving as narcissists are, they suffer a hell we have never known. I just can’t bring myself to give up on them, or stop caring for them, no matter how much pain they caused. I know how to distance myself from it, but I just can’t write them off completely. I just can’t do it.

[@louisegarner8888]

@@lisahardy2070 Narcissists aren't an issue for us when we're healed to whole, they're on a spectrum and have their own unique mission and journey as we all do. Narcs test and trigger the unhealed to get comfy with discomfort, feel the feels and humbly look deeper within at where we still have shadow, parts, inner child and boundary work to do on ourselves and lessons to learn so we can be grateful to them for that wakeup call. We don't need to go down with a sinking ship though ... it's up to each of us to know our limits, values, standards, purpose and when enough is enough. There is evil in the world and it pays to be aware that some sick, sadistic and/or masochistic people enjoy other's or their own pain. Observe don't absorb, respond don't react so we're not leaky, spongy or adversely controlling others ourselves. Trying to fix, save and rescue others can be a toxic form of control, rescuer pride is self serving, it doesn't help anyone when the other falls into patterns of learned helplessness due to our unsolicited advice or interventions, however well intended, everyone has to do what they can from where they're at with what they have or ask for help. There's no pearls of wisdom without the aggravating sands that inspire, challenge and motivate the crusty old oyster to change it's form. 🐍⚔️🕊️⛓️💞🕊️✌️

[@lisahardy2070]

@@louisegarner8888 but if we can all agree that the root of narcissism is childhood abuse? How could any of us turn our backs on them? What does that say about us?

[@louisegarner8888]

@@user-ue1ji4du2q Absolutely, semper paratus! It's as Dr. Jordan Peterson claimed in his interpretation of Matthew 5:5 : "He who has a sword, and knows how to use it, but keeps it sheathed shall inherit the earth." 🐍🗡️🕊️

[@louisegarner8888]

@@lisahardy2070 How would you view a narcissist that murdered one of your loved ones and had no remorse? It depends, there's levels to this ...

[@aahaider4453]

Very well explained. My observation would be that the abuser N is actually training you to follow their commands. And they are doing this consciously and then exploiting it later when needed.

[@nikz6297]

Omg, my mother was a mindfield. I'm afraid to show my mind.

[@yvonne3903]

Guilt tripping is damaging. They should be learning what they want not learning to be agreeable and possibly subversive.

[@1RPJacob]

Some people are afraid to change and stop people pleasing. If they change they would have to acknowledge that they have wasted big part of their life for serving others. It's hard to see that life was wasted for friends/family who manipulated and used them.

[@user-nv4ci3sc8l]

Someday when you had enough you can say No and stay away from the people who have hurted you. Because they will never change and they will continue to hurt you. My personal experience. I said a big No and I have no contact with these people. Thank you again you are very helpful.

[@lisasunshine7654]

When I was growing up, I remember my mother commenting about my behavior as being a strong willed child. She was the parent I had the difficult relationship with. Emotional highs, anger, pouting, and neutrality. Now I wonder about myself, was I really strong willed? Or was I just resisting her personality that was demanding my emotional space? Food for thought!

[@HamletsMill1969]

No. I love this word!! ❤ Thank your for all you do Richard!!! ❤️

[@andrewgibb8846]

Excellent information Richard, this hits home for me. Throughout my working career, I’ve found bosses use tactics exactly like you mentioned and it’s emotional manipulation that has worked on me. A very aggressive boss, suddenly turns on a joyful mood in your presence, than requests a job for you to complete that’s unreasonable or out of normal work hours. A situation where you finally feel some relief that the boss is not aggressive, and if you say no, that mood will shift into aggressive again. Thank you for helping me understand this dynamic, it will really help me understand what’s happening in these moments. It really pisses me off that bosses use this to manipulate and it’s going to stop for me asap. 👍🇨🇦

[@lisahardy2070]

it’s getting more challenging by the day to stick around.

[@sandylu2668]

Lived this. Such a task, to overcome.. We shall overcome

[@jillduran2069]

I grew up with a narcissist father who was very violent. Mum would tippy toe around him, otherwise minor things would trigger his anger. It was only a few years before death that I was able to say no to my father. This took a pointing out of the need to say no to him and a counselling session to do so. When I did he backed off like a child. Unfortunately I learnt these behaviours from my mother. To be fair to her, she had eight children to feed, was dependent on him, and left him when her life was threatened. His behaviour continued years after their separation when he would come to visit us.

[@gypsyeclipse9788]

It was hard in the same house because they would get so loud and bombarding that it would rattle the brain. The less they knew the better for me

[@JackHammerLord]

Can I say that this video really hits home? Pun intended and being serious? 👍

[@ambernordquist363]

I heard you tell your friend that she shouldn't do that. Were you able to tell her how she should? You didn't cover that. I find in my journey all kinds of things that I shouldn't have done. It would be wonderful to hear what the right or alternative thing is. Thank you for your video it was enlightening.

[@lexylex1000]

For years I was scared of confrontation of any kind because my dad (narc bully) always had a massive in my face screaming fit whenever I voiced an opinion etc. I always thought everyone else was going to react in the same way so the little voice inside always censored me before I spoke. Thank god I have managed to overcome this and now I speak my mind and the words come out without any thought or worry.

[@godessunivers6941]

I learned for so long and hard,finally, I learned say no! Because of conditions, abuse etc, you get fed up,to saying yes, to almost anything, no more! Teaching my kids to know what they are, and boundaries! Keep away from social media, knews, glam etc

[@brianf9615]

Right you are Richie!

[@jemilsense3972]

This just happened with me and my mother a few weeks ago. I can’t live my life around her approval.

[@evonne315]

I appriciate how you put a moral code on things. The response you want frim others is "You dont have to do that for me, and I dont want you to." There is a two way street of responsibility in relationships (of all kinds). This is why its so hard to get people to stop victim blaming or perpetrator blaming only. We all have a role to play in things. Be responsible for THAT. Nothing like moving on to a new relationship thinking your all good, and then they are pissed you are trying not to make them pissed! 🤦‍♀️

[@onetime3738]

This is an Important message - thanks for explaining and reminding me.

[@My_House_]

Lately I start noticing what I'm doing and for example try to prevent someone I'm with to feel bad for the tiniest things. If they feel bad i wil feel bad and make it "good" again....😐 Or tiptoeing on work for someone will think something bad or laugh at my ideas ect. It's hard "work" to keep myself regulated by others ☹️ But its also difficult to feel and name the emotion for myself. Thanks Richard 👍🏼

[@kimberlyzickefoose2746]

Now I say no all the time!!! 😂

[@rockinmissie9921]

I noticed that one of my sons used to be a people pleaser. First of, I asked MYSELF where I went wrong to encourage this. However, I DID make sure to make him understand that he does NOT have to please people if he doesn't feel like it or feels forced to, that he does not have to feel guilty for saying no or hurt his own feelings or drift off of his way by accepting.

[@rediscoverlife101]

All my childhood till age 25 I just agreed with my father. Saying no to my father was not an option. Recently I found that my father have certain personality disorders and it solidify to its core. Means no change will happen for father Same kind of personality disorders develop in me and I recognised it. Still I can't manage it.

[@maritafarah887]

I am out of the matrix since 2015. But I'm not. I've been dragged back into it again as my maintenance payments are withdrawn since 2017. This has resulted in many court battles and enforced poverty on me. The court battles continue. Court orders breached again. I live my own little life but the strings are far reaching and devastating. The matrix doesn't allow you to fully leave without legal sanctions.

[@agatadabrowska8515]

we need so much conscious and sensitive man like you👏

[@heidicorzine1208]

Omg thank you for that explanation of codependency. I played lots of sports growing up and if I made a bad play or a mistake I would hear about it from my dad. After the game i knew i had to sit and listen to him tell me everything i did wrong. I became nervous to even play because I didn't want to feel the shame and guilt he would lay on me. It was there same when helping me with home work. My father would belittle me by saying things like " you're not even trying", " what is wrong with you" ect. I felt like I had to be perfect or I would disappoint my father. He was a authoritative father who punished me harshly when I was not perfect. Ugg now he gets on me about letting people bully me or caring to much about other people's feelings.

[@rwells9867]

You are enough exactly as you are ! I care that you will feel this to your core. At the same time, I attempt to sort through what part of feeling the feelings of others is codependency and what part is being the change I wish to see in the world.

[@PLizzy0809]

I think there is just something wrong to me and I will never get better, because my childhood wasn't like that

[@reverentalexanderchezeley-6367]

Never had this thankfully as an extreme empath. I'd only feel guilty for example, if I literally "should" have helped them and "could' have helped them. Healthy guilt. Or another example, if I should have washed the dishes but I didn't, I'd feel guilty and chastise myself for being a lazy sod when I could have washed them, ADHD guilt there for me to. I'm to hard on myself. Yes I pick up other people's emotions and feelings into my body and mind, cos I have a high sponge like contagion element in me. It's not a co-dependent issue though, I also pick up highly the emotions and feelings and energy of animals, birds, reptiles, plants, trees, the weather patterns to. Brilliant vid. Thanks Richard.

[@clarky1155080]

This is such an important topic. The ramifications of having learned to NOT have the presence for oneself required to be able to give a healthy no when needed, or to even know ones needs or preferences let alone be able to state them, have immeasurable and far reaching consequences. From my experience, being unable to give a healthy no at the time causes disharmonious ripples in far more directions than any no at the time would have done. It's been something of a learning curve. The good news is that it's never too late to learn how to rewrite the program that was our default setting. Best wishes to everyone seeking a better way forward for themselves (and those around them) hence creating a better world, beginning with ourselves, and to our 'teachers' who showed us that something was missing or gave us opportunities to develop a new skill. Thank you for your work Richard. Immensely helpful and clear.

[@thomasmclaughlin3948]

we are/were utterly lost and blind to the fact that we were utterly lost and blind. The sun is blinding and the onion is 100 layers deep.

[@pereinarolsson3928]

I am a man 65 and have spent several months in deep stress, feeling existentially threatened when I moved to a new apartment with a lot of noise around. I can say intellectually say to myself that it is only a sound and you can just leave it. But emotionally there is a strong deep reaction that it is living its own life. One evening my resting pulse was over 100 per minute. Investigating this reveals that it is as often from childhood when my mother did not create an emotional bond to me. Feeling and emotion blocked my life that now will flow more freely...need to do my job as a human being.

[@waterbottle2183]

Thank you.. Valuable insights.. You brought me back when you mentioned the subtle looks a parent passes on, the story about the teacher.. so clarifying.. etc 👍

[@wordivore]

Those subtle looks are one of the most difficult thing to explain about how hurtful they were.

[@brunoamore5112]

Man, I’ve read and heard about this so many times but for some reason, you really hit home in a deeper way with this one. Thanks.

[@skyking6989]

I had to learn that my mental well-being and happiness came first and had to learn to stop feeling bad when I told someone no

[@HISIAM888RUHIS888]

This was Said.. “So Perfectly Well!” Thank You!!🙌🙌💓🙏🙏👏👏👏

[@louisegarner8888]

Be that wise, discerning and adaptable person who knows where you and others begin and end, when to stay the course or exit, who knows how to listen and talk to others assertively and capably using myriad means such as distraction, humour, compassion, logic, reverse psychology, silence with goodwill, when to listen or speak, etc., with empathetic yet firm and consistent flexibility to decompress, de-escalate, shock, flip, mirror back, inform, learn from or inspire, knows when to lean in or out, is able to use self control and remain sovereignly unbothered and stable under pressure when they or others are upset, angry or emotionally dysregulated, who takes no shit yet does no harm and still respects, forgives and accepts you regardless of your differing perspectives, opinions and changing emotional states. Be like the tree who's prepared to risk losing a few leaves to the storm knowing it'll lighten it's load to stand firm and steady, capable of growing stronger, fresh new leaves in the aftermath, appreciating that any dead and useless leaves will be the first to go.

[@saschaharper4204]

And yet this is one of the most pervasive methods used in education today to get children as young as 4 to conform "You have made me feel very sad by...." is a staple sentence for teachers in primary schools. Thanks for the video, it validates some things I have been thinking about recently

[@drkknath]

Not learning boundaries in childhood teach they are not as important in adult also. That's why one became a people pleasure to compensate inability/lack of courage to enforce appropriate boundary. You rightly said that is not the right way to live a life. Thank you🙏

[@FionaGazzard]

Wow, lightbulb moment there. Thanks 👍🏼

[@DickTracyFanboy]

Brilliant as always

[@RVSurf]

Amazing as always! Thank you 💕

[@playerovgy]

This is brilliant!! I LOVE this!!!

[@bd42134]

Great video!!

[@tamcaplan3552]

Thank you for your time and help.

[@axiomic]

Respectful boundaries goes both ways. Emotional abuse and manipulation crosses those boundaries.

[@chelseathomas1258]

Have you ever heard of the book “existential kink” by Carolyn Elliott. It’s about how we can consciously choose to experience any sensation as either pain or pleasure. It also talks about how we actually enjoy some of these painful experiences because our subconscious mind finds pleasure in them. It’s helping me explore a whole other side of my codependent tendencies 👌👌 I think these ideas are pertinent to the work you discuss🙏🏻☺️

[@wordivore]

Isn't that a form of CBT? This is a silly example, but I do what (I think) you're talking about with hiccups. 🤣 I actually don't enjoy hiccups but I can switch up my mindset and just kind of like them and relax into them. And then they go away.

[@A_n_y_t_i_m_e]

If you're familiar with pain (early childhood, bad parenting during formative years, sense of not being good enough, being dismissed and/or judged, not being seen, unconditional love etc.), in adulthood your unconsciousness (where you store all the "bad stuff") will do everything to make you relive that again, because the sad irony is - pain is all you know. Quite tragic.

[@DiegoDonati1975]

I like your videos because you went through a really bad time too, and have come out of it like a Phoenix. You give great sound advice thank you

[@ryandavis6660]

Very good content! Thank you for sharing!

[@meditationamsterdam]

This is an excellent one.

[@miriamcollins7587]

Guilt RULES my life. I agree it is completely abusive to use guilt to control a child. I’d rather have had a whoopin - an old fashioned spanking - than the lifelong codependency I’ve experienced from being absolutely controlled by manipulation and guilt. I am working on being FREE from this. I struggle to say NO. It’s a true phobia at this point. Thank you for this video.

[@cubensic]

Richy man, thank you for sharing your knowledge and insight as you do

[@shereeconnolly2457]

GREAT video Richard.. as always your content and explanation is on point!

[@kjsfl386]

Terrifically helpful. Thank you so much

[@claire0626]

Excellent video Richard thank you I learnt a lot xx

[@milenarodriguesfernandes4997]

Thank you! SO helpful!

[@katehannent5701]

Thank you so much Richard, once again I have found this information invaluable.

[@allyEEEEEEE]

Great stuff, thank you Richard!

[@mickyeverton]

Many Thanks, Peace From London!! 🙏🙏🙏

[@mtnpfi]

Thank you, Richard, for this brief explanation🙏🏼Hit home💥

[@huldaherna3935]

Yes, NO is a word needed to be practiced on several occasions. But for me sometimes it feels hard because I want to be in on everything and be helpful and it is sometimes so much to choose from. Multitasking is not good. Studies show 60% less efficency instead of one step at a time. And this is my task, to be mindful and finish whatever I am doing.

[@lucretiz]

When I know that someone is probably going to ask me to do something that I don't want to do I practice saying no in advance - we can also learn to say no calmly and respectfully doesn have to be a melt down, Richard taught me that.

[@Yarblocosifilitico]

"people pleasing lies on the spectrum of psychosis" YES!! I've seen that in myself and in my female dominated family of people pleasers (single mom and 5 aunts lol). There's a very dark layer underneath all that politeness and people pleasing ways.

[@69purposecoarse]

Every time I listen to one of your videos, I just want to cry. Before I found you, I discovered MY DEPTH of codependency. One day I wish to meet you to personally thank you.

[@nicholettej1742]

This was great!! Amazing 10 minute video that may have just been my brightest lightbulb moment yet! Thank you Richard!!

[@davidsiedschlag6961]

Thank you Richard

[@wadestanion4617]

Wow. A TON of what you said in this video resonates with my childhood.

[@heyoka2.0]

What a great way to start the day ☕! Thank you so much, truly enlightening 🙏🏻

[@joytotheworld7372]

Yes, you nailed it.

[@suzanautry2927]

You described my childhood perfectly.. I still have issues with emotions, it's awful. Years of counseling have helped, then I married a man with NPD. Great. Going through it all over again. I had no idea what was in my brain would bring me 360 back to a life of turmoil mixed in with truths that are hard to live by sometimes. BUT, I am so much better at saying "NO", but same result with my NPD family and spouse. They still don't listen.

[@TheMurray1922]

You hit the nail right on the head.

[@kennethroesch8751]

Not to difficult to go from neurotic to psychotic. Realizing me and my children were physiologically damaged almost sent me over the edge.

[@henkverhaeren3759]

Fantastic put into words what I experience daily. This is very helpfu for me to deal with it instead of avoiding.

[@amandajane7760]

My goodness this is a helpful video! I was guilt tripped and emotionally manipulated all the time by my parents, and was already people pleasing as a young kid. But I've never heard it spoken about before, so didn't realise how much it affected me - I didn't connect those dots. I love the way you explain everything so clearly and plainly. Thank you