Why Can't I Talk The Way I Do in My Mind

[@gabrielrej834]

I think one reason why we can't talk the way we do in our minds is because when we imagine our dialogue line we don't consider the response of the other person. We focus on what we want to express to another person, but then, when it comes to saying what we rehearsed we notice...how they look at us, we notice their expressions, we start to think how they see us and not what we want to express. We want to be liked and understood, so we add some new expression during our speech, then some anecdote, we digress and we get so off-topic that we end up frustrated and confused.

[@firghteningtruth7173]

I think you are right on this, and it surely plays a part. But, again, it's something that can be practiced. You ever meet someone thats just ON all the time? Think crowdwork comedian, or sales guy. Tim dillon is a good example.

[@KingMinish]

lol ignore the other bastard until you've developed what you're trying to say. he doesn't know what you mean until he's heard you, so if he starts scoffing halfway through that's his problem

[@jubiterr]

omggggg

[@LeoMajors]

It's like the difference between a solo piece and an improvised duet.

[@canadianbutt275]

So, look at the floor while saying things?

[@williamrusso3130]

For most of my life, I've had a serious case of mush mouth. For the longest time, I thought I had some kind of inherent speech impediment. Recently, though, I've been finding that I tend to stutter, slur, and mistake/omit words a lot less than I did before. I believe it was mostly a confidence thing. As a kid, I didn't talk much, and when I did, I would always get interrupted. Nobody seemed to care about what I had to say. I adapted by barraging my way through conversations by talking as fast as possible. Now, I talk slower and with actual confidence.

[@TheAwesomoe]

Same, realizing my speech pattern was worse around the people I grew up around was a big discovery.

[@doesntmatter397]

I discovered this part about me when I got my first job as a cashier. I was forced into having conversations, ones that I could always have in my head but never able to do properly in person. It’s now 8 years later and I’m a kickboxing instructor. Way out of my comfort zone, but my confidence and ability to speak becomes natural given my professional environment. I’m still a mess sometimes when speaking to childhood friends who I’ve developed fears of being judged by them at a young age.

[@sovereignknight9290]

How did you learn to talk slower with confidence?

[@williamrusso3130]

@@sovereignknight9290 Gaining confidence in myself. I've had several big, positive changes in my life recently which really allowed me to build it up. I noticed that the more confident I am, the more coherent I become. I know, easier said than done. It was hard to get the ball rolling, but it feels perpetual at this point.

[@TheAwesomoe]

@@sovereignknight9290 I would say something similar, start with the foundational things. Focus on your worldview, self-perception, and outlook for the future. The mechanical things will follow.

[@CIRCADES]

Listening to someone making this much sense is so immensely satisfying to me.

[@XeLYoutube]

:D good one! you feel less alone in your high IQ desert

[@lupoallupato3305]

@@XeLKZbin why high iq desert? Do people with a high tend to get lost in what dosent make sanse in a conversation and lose the point of it, is this what you mean?

[@swindlesween]

@@lupoallupato3305 Huh. This comment is incredibly insightful.

[@WanderTheNomad]

You can almost hear things physically clicking into place when someone explains something so clearly.

[@wippo42]

@@lupoallupato3305 the replier was criticizing the original comment. Because the replier thinks that CIRCADE implied that they (CIRCADE) have a high iq and are above people. I personally disagree with this interpretation of the original comment

[@EtamirTheDemiDeer]

If you don’t feel listened to then you don’t bother to speak. So you’re out of practice when you finally do. And the listener may not be patient and then you’re both frustrated so you stop talking again. It’s a vicious cycle we have to overcome, but it can be done

[@NightLancerX]

What a great remark. "don’t feel listened to" - that is basically the point. I _was_ trying to speak and explain my problems many times but it seems like every time it's either interlocutor doesn't "hear" me and doesn't want(afraid to offend/want to see himself as "great interlocutor") to admit/say that he doesn't understand a sh*t, instead of that usually he make some _assumptions_ of what I've said but do not speak them to me, and therefore the conversation have zero progress/meaning. (I think i should mention that usually they have no problems in communication and it costs them nothing to say what they want). Seeing there is zero response I start to repeat myself(consciously on non-consciously) but it's both tiring me and other person so in the end I come to conclusion that "people don't understand me". And I'm trying to describe as much as I can, I don't just throw those "short" parts on them, but usually it doesn't help... It's either person can understand me "from the zero point" of can't understand no matter I say. And after numerous tries and failures with latter ones I get same feeling of "not being listened/being understood /sincerely cared of", and dropped my attempts to achieve mutual understanding... And here I am now, not having any "thoughts" in my head at all 'cause of meaningless of them(?). I'm so tired of trying in vain that I no mo bothered to form my thoughts from someone. For my I don't need it - I can do things "as is", without thinking "wordly". I even writing all of this in a "raw" mode, without any conscious though, sometimes I just circling through synonyms to put the best possible word and that's all. Maybe my mind learned to be "lazy" at forming thoughts by this moment, I don't know. I just know it is super hard for me to keep the conversation I doesn't have interest in which if I don't say that I _want_ to say, it's just seems pointless to me. I wouldn't "repeat myself" If I got being understood from the first say. I realized that I want to be sarcastic and play "why are you so dumb?" card to at least get anything from such "conversations". It's "bad" solution, but it's better then keeping repeating yourself over and over.

[@EtamirTheDemiDeer]

@@NightLancerX I admit, I had to look up what interlocutor meant, but now I know a new word. The world would be a better place if people were more comfortable asking questions rather than making assumptions. I know it’s frustrating, but thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts

[@yu_kon9393]

@@NightLancerX You described it perfectly

[@bbybudaluna]

​@@NightLancerX I relate to every single part of this. The boredom, the frustration, everything. It can be lonely and isolating. And it really is a matter of pride for other people sometimes like you said. The biggest difference between being understood by them and not. I think when you genuinely love learning new things, being wrong doesnt matter, if anything its part of finding the right answer because it helps narrow down the possibilities. But people have attached their perceived intelligence to their self esteem. Even today, I made a statement about myself and someone went on a long tangent about how to "fix" it, and assumed I viewed things in a negative way that I didn't. I explained my pov and then they explained the same thing earlier again using different words but in a condescending way 😂😭 I had to realize oh...this is one of those people, that need to always feel like they're teaching someone something. They feel like they have reached the pinnacle and have nothing else to learn, so they dont even listen deep enough to hear the nuances in the lives of different people lol its sad

[@vepsmedusa]

You described us with autism and ADHD so well. It is really hard to try and get what words you want out of your head because when you talk it out it ends up being a complete mess. Thank you for this video.

[@greendude0420]

Aspergers+ADHD I have genius level thoughts but am absolutely horrible at articulating them

[@greendude0420]

Glad to know what I need to improve on as this makes sense to me

[@vepsmedusa]

@@greendude0420 I've got Asperger's too!

[@gaussminigun7095]

its so much easier typing it instead of saying it

[@shadoll7856]

I also think sometimes you can get attached to the analytical mode of think and potentially the kick that comes with it. Learning philosophy/psychology has helped me bridge the gap in analytical way ironically although different people will find different things useful. For example I learned that when we have reflective thoughts first order reflections are about the situation, whereas second order reflections are about senses of 1)agency and 2)ownership. experiential

[@Shayster-_-]

When you hear yourself talking, it seems more as if you are getting annoyed with hearing yourself talk. I believe it is the awareness of knowing that the weight of the words we say are subjective to everyone including ourselves

[@msaad8053]

This is actually a great way to put it I never think of it like that

[@martinhuber541]

bruh.. thats smart

[@amazingamer360]

yeah true, sometimes I wish I could have said something in a different tone or worded something differently if it sounded annoying to me

[@jubiterr]

omg

[@wombat7961]

But it also needs to be said that communication is what if you break it down it's technology.... It's also probably the first weapon too.... So at our base instinct I would rather not say anything than be misunderstood... For me at least that's the "weight" of it all... And then of course in the information age, we already know that communication can not only be falsified for gains, it's misused purposely so that like adding an additional weight to our words... There like one quote I see sometimes online that's goes something like tell me 10 truths about yourself and I will have you hung by sundown... Which essentially also validates the idea that language can be dangerous as it cannot actually protect you

[@rakintajwar7164]

I feel like Dr. K knows my problems thru his 3rd Eye Meditations and makes videos on them right when i need them wtf

[@jmarch_503]

That's just selection bias Where you notice the hits And ignore the misses

[@iulishadow]

It's scary tbh! And it is selection bias but there were substancially more hits than misses.

[@forte2337]

@@jmarch_503 that’s something dr. k would say

[@iulishadow]

@mrHikkups It's when you your mind has a certain expectation and thus it is biased in favor of data points or events that confirm that expectation and it tends to discount data points that don't confirm it. Confirmation bias really...

[@alibladers1112]

Frl I think it is more like you realising them when he talks about it

[@1flower161]

Y'ALL this is why journaling is so important! I've been journaling since I was 8 but I wouldnt do it consistently. like I would have months when I wouldnt journal at all and months were I would do it almost everyday. But even I noticed that, during those times where I wasnt journaling, I didnt do well in school especially on my essays bc I wasnt practicing writing stuff down outside of class. So Dr. K's point on the importance of writing for mental clarity is very real. Also, vision boards can help provide mental clarity for goal setting. a tip I got from my actual therapist :)

[@chromaticv1]

I want to start journaling, but I have no idea what to write, could you give me advice?

[@JS-kb4bk]

@@chromaticv1 Break each day into subheadings Intentions - What I tasks I will accomplish today Day Planner - What will be done in the morning, day and night Happenings - What occurred today outside of what happens during a regular day Thoughts - Things I could or should have changed in the day. I should have woke up earlier or I could have fit some reading time between lunch and work. Improvements - Things I made improvements on. Went from 15 pushups at once to 16 What I learned - Things I learned, like how dogs bark

[@xroukle8137]

@@chromaticv1you can do whatever you want honestly, it isnt a school project. Its important to just put finished thoughts on paper in however order you see fit. Whats more important to you. journaling is just a reflection of yourself. Mine is just a mess of random thoughts with no organization but they are still coherent statements and thoughts

[@celestialmorpho]

Such a simple phrase. "communication is a skill." But why did it shock me with the realization that it is a skill I haven't been working on at all and "if you don't use it you lose it". I don't "practice". I don't conversate with others.

[@beekdorrr]

this is definitely my problem

[@the_expidition427]

@@beekdorrr it is a skill!

[@mitthrawnuruodo1730]

As a person with adhd I struggle with saying the right thing. There are SO MANY words in the human language and my mind is like trying to pick the best words. I’m overwhelmed by them and causes me to stumble. Not to mention it takes me time to formulate what I want to say so when someone comes to me and I’m not prepared I stumble and don’t know what to say.

[@sarkos2003]

I feel you. It takes me a while to structure my sentences, but what seems to help me is throwing out a beginning of a sentence so the other person knows I have something to say. Something like "I think" or "I feel like"; majority of the time when someone hears that, they'll wait for you to continue. During that pause I'm free to focus on figuring how I want to say what's on my mind. I've been doing that for a few years now and the length of the pause has gotten noticeably shorter :)

[@mikasasukasa4479]

is that why i had struggled so much up until a few years ago??? im going to see a psychiatrist soon to finally confirm if i have adhd or not. i fumbled and jumbled until i told myself to pick a word and if i dont like how it came out then ill try a different word next time until i was satisfied with my choice

[@mitthrawnuruodo1730]

@@mikasasukasa4479 yep, sounds like ADHD. I do the exact same thing.

[@hexagod1313]

Ah yes... the human language. That one language that all humans speak.

[@gljames24]

Selection Pruning is a massively difficult skill to develop.

[@rtyzxc]

This is going to be harsh, but one of the biggest reason for why you can't put your thoughts into words is because the perfect ideas in your head aren't as perfect as you think. Even if you have words or sentences in your head, a lot of it is connected by thought mush, giving you the illusion of the idea being perfect. But if said out loud, it wouldn't make sense or would be missing lots of unconscious assumptions. What I did to get better and would totally recommend is to write your ideas to online discussion boards, or at least make drafts for potential posts, take part in discussions. Writing out your ideas reveals their weaknesses so that you can fix them. It helps you become aware of your thought pitfalls, which also translates to more robust development of ideas even when you are not writing, basically it makes you better thinker. The more emotionally attached you are to your ideas or your intelligence, the harder it is to talk or write things out. "I'm bad at explaining it" is a kind of defense mechanism. If you never extract the ideas outside of your mind, you just drown in your own illusions and get isolated from rest of the society. By glance it might seem that people like Dr K just spit truths from the top of their genius heads, but in reality he has done TONS of work (tried to write a book) to get where he is. It's not so much about magic of smooth talking skill, but the thoughts being fleshed out in the first place.

[@lavendarfiona9443]

This was really helpful, Thanks

[@flitefulwantssubs402]

I’ve only just started the video but I was going through the comment section. I saw some guy claim he has genius level thoughts (don’t think it was a joke), but his words don’t come out right. I was thinking the exact same thing as you. It’s our mind, of course the ideas seem like they make sense. But in reality they may not, and that may become apparent when you try to articulate and speak aloud. I experience this problem a little as well, and I do think that not being able to express what you are thinking is real, but I also see many people underestimating the importance of having logical or well constructed thoughts to begin with which I’m sure is a contributor to this problem

[@Pacolad]

Jordan Peterson mentions something similar, “if you want to learn how to communicate learn how to write”

[@Phoenix-Brah]

I love the fact this community exists

[@NN-cc8uo]

Great explanation. You perfectly nailed it!

[@TheDhammaHub]

That's why it is so beneficial to ask questions in school or university! It "forces" us to _sort_ our knowledge to a degree that we can put it in words

[@jodiejodiejodie]

My speech is so choppy sometimes- like I'll start saying something then I'll trail off and try to figure out what I'm gonna say next, and thinking about how I need to be thinking of something to say distracts me from actually thinking of something to say, and then I'll finally say something because the pause has gone on for a torturous amount of time, and I end up still being incoherent and not conveying what I wanna convey. It's wonderful.

[@joppekim]

Slow down. If you start with talking fast you need to keep that fast pace through the entire conversation. But if you start slow and keep it slow, it gives you way more time to think about what to say, it also makes the conversation less tense and people understand you more.

[@minam.658]

Don't worry, You're not alone I struggle with the same thing.

[@djinnxx7050]

I once sent a voicemail and the other person messaged me back telling me the file might have been corrupted because it skipped.

[@minam.658]

@@joppekim I have the same issue, but when I speak slow enough for me to think of what to say next, people look at me weird, or they say to just spit it out, which makes me really uncomfortable. I've gotten much better now, but still struggle with it.

[@joppekim]

@@minam.658 Yeah I get it. I've gotten that as well. But people like that does not have your best intentions in mind. It is rude of them to do that so either call them out on it or just stop talking and leave. Facial expressions are facial expressions, it's people who are too afraid to voice their concern, I've learned to ignore people like that, but I get it it's uncomfortable.

[@fugg3d]

Even worse is when you can only think of good things to say only after the moment has passed

[@ampinghard111]

Goddamn this dude teaches me so much and I have all these lightbulbs that go off as this dude is spittin. This guy isn’t bridging the gap between mental health and gamers, he’s bridging the gap between mental health and humans because EVERYONE plays games now.

[@joppekim]

Playing a game and being a gamer is two different things. A gamer usually struggles with their social life because gaming is all they do and know.

[@crystaljefferphetamine]

i don't even play video games but i can relate to pretty much every video this guy releases.

[@cosmicpotato3849]

@@crystaljefferphetamine at this point I think he’s beyond “therapist for gamers” he’s just a relatable psychologist now putting things in a easy way who occasionally uses games as analogies

[@jaetrnn6000]

I've found that slowing my speech down, thinking about what I'm saying and communicating in a way that gets me feedback from the other person helped me a lot. I used to just talk a wonder if the other person was interested, then start getting tangled in what I was saying. Instead I've started to focus on what I'm trying to communicate or deliver instead and work with the other person to have a conversation. Also just worrying less about what the other person thinks of you.

[@Guiny]

I love watching this guy

[@XeLYoutube]

That was well formulated!

[@HilbertXVI]

@@XeLKZbin Indeed, the way that sentence was so exquisitely crafted leaves me in awe of the KZbin comments section

[@AmbiCahira]

My biggest tip as a fellow ADD person thats introverted and English isn't my first language; rehearse speaking out loud to train the muscles in your mouth and throat to be agile enough to preform fluently. Act out the conversation to yourself. If you practiced saying your ideas and arguments 50 times at home then with nerves you might be able to say the same thing at 70% ease of what you can at home and thats still well enough that listeners don't know that it felt awkward to you. To be better at speaking; rehearse speaking.

[@WanderTheNomad]

Perhaps singing along to songs would help. Maybe even a rap song.

[@-SP.]

@@WanderTheNomad I agree with this. After I started singing along to songs, I noticed I was stumbling less when talking

[@PickledHumann]

@@WanderTheNomad I used to write songs ( Hip Hop) years ago and I swear learning vocabulary and rapping always kinda helped me. I haven't wrote anything in YEARS and I've just been slowly degrading in speech. I'm not saying this is the cure but I do feel like it helped

[@san1883]

Yes, it’s seriously so helpful. I’ll have little therapy sessions with myself and I’ll talk to myself in the mirror about my interests or subjects I really want to talk about and I cannot stress enough how helpful this is. It’ll make your mind so much clearer and help you flesh out your thoughts. It’s basically like journaling out loud. It’s made me so much better at expressing myself.

[@cobalius]

Or write a script and read that as tangential thoughts may be a problem.

[@ik2254]

I have noticed, that when i speak ordinary day to day small talk i stutter sometimes and smudge the thought that i tried to explain. But. When I'm talking about some concept that i understand to bits, or some idea that i have decompositioned to the core my speech becomes super clear, no stuttering, super assertive and confident and im actually start talking very fast, without loosing the clarity of my speech. This is super bizzare, and i think happens when my mind desincs from everything material around me, and enters the plain of pure mental exercises and thinking

[@waterzero5461]

Sounds like something called a flow state.

[@Havenkin]

There are studies that show that there is a whole brain connection that develops once you spend enough time on something, that invites you to quickly enter a flow state with the subject. So I agree it might be your flow state and something you are very knowledgeable (technically skilled in) about

[@shadoll7856]

@@Havenkin Interesting. It seems that the flow state can be annoying sometimes although it can be incredibly useful.

[@govsecret536]

I do this too! Get me on the right topic and I'll go off without a hitch, but anything else I'm a mess.

[@mikasasukasa4479]

when i talk about music i get told how passionate i am and how they want to listen to what i listen to just because how i articulate it. i didnt notice until it had beej pointed out to me

[@sunside7]

Notes: 1. Communicating the thoughts in your mind is a skill. 2. Write out your thoughts, which helps to clarify them. 3. Practice by rehersing/role-playing the situation. 4. Acknowledge your own assumptions, which are the gaps in your thinking. Put yourself in the shoes of your audience, meet them where they are at. Try to understand their point of view. 5. Calm your mind. Eg. Do some breathing exercises before giving a speech. 6. Music, art. etc can help with processing thoughts.

[@andrewtate8595]

Thanks 👍

[@hummingblerd6157]

As someone with Asperger's, this has been absolutely eye opening and monumentally helpful! Thank you, your videos keep me level headed about a lot of inconsistencies in life, and communication has always been one of my biggest drawbacks. This video is more helpful and understandable than any other form of help I have tried to obtain!

[@shinjipaul2655]

This is how I imagine it: When you’re speaking in your mind, you don’t need to care about what sentence you sculptured or what you visualize, and have conversations in the head. You can yap,swear,joke and etc… You know yourself, you know what you like; so you will do probably anything you want and enchant the things you imagine. You don’t need to stress about those because you’re just talking to yourself about things that no one can know, only you know because it’s you in your mind. But, when it comes to real people in conversations, you don’t know what to actually say. If you say something that you’re not sure, you’ll stress out because you’ll never know if it offend them or embarrass yourself with the things you imagine in your mind, and you don’t know what they like and dislike, even if it’s a question, you still don’t know if you surely want to say it or not. Even if you know them, you might not be able to think fast to actually match the topic you want to talk about. Maybe it might be Anxiety,Stress or any other things. For me, I actually might need to do is learn English,Vocabulary and etc. Sorry if my English is bad, and my lacking skills in vocabulary. I apologize if it doesn’t make sense but this is how much I can replicate what is in my mind and summarized it into words. I want to refine this but It’s a bit hard.

[@extremeencounter7458]

I talk to myself, like a lot. All day, about anything I’m doing, and it turns out I’m great at talking with strangers and in front of crowds, public speaking etc. I speak exactly how I do out loud while alone, I can figure things much better if my ears hears it. Having to formulate the thoughts in a physical way transfers over, but it’s literally just practice

[@eghanshith4814]

1.Communication as a Skill: Speaking articulately is a skill that can be practiced, just like any other skill. Writing things out & clarify ideas, role-playing conversations, and rehearsing can help improve communication. 2.Understanding Assumptions: Our thoughts are often accompanied by assumptions that we don’t realize. Empathizing with our audience’s perspective put yourself into their shoes can helps us convey our ideas effectively. 3.Calm the Mind: Slowing down our thought process and calming our mind can lead to better communication. Breathing exercises and mindfulness techniques can help achieve this.

[@IHamilton9320]

Very important and relevant stuff. I’ve always had a massive mental block when it comes to getting thoughts out verbally in longer form conversations, but not while in groups. People who knows me are always surprised to see me light up in broader social settings because I’m very much an introvert but for some reason, group discussion just doesn’t bother me whatsoever (obv depending on the group and the discussion) and I often end up being a main part of the conversation. Whereas in 1 on 1 my brain just shuts down and I often can’t string thoughts together

[@jasminepandit9861]

That’s so interesting because I’m the opposite! I’m really good in a 1-on-1 setting, but I just can’t get myself to open up in a group setting….

[@menamgamg]

Ive always had a huge problem with getting words out the way im thinking them and because of it i always feel like ppl don't have the patience to listen to what i have to say... So often i'll just stay quiet instead. I've recently understood this can be a symptom of ADHD, which i'm starting an evaluation for (hopefully) soon..

[@nomal8954]

I guess all those years of walking to school by myself and saying my thoughts out loud have paid off. I'm for sure not all the way there to being a good comunicatior but now I know where and how I can improve and what to look out for.

[@Livfree33]

I cut myself off mid sentence when I speak all the time because I wanna edit my words the way I get to over text and email 😅

[@empthreeplayer]

how do you always make videos on exactly the shit im going through

[@delados49]

Internet generation going through the same shit

[@nicolascalderon2489]

brooo yes, that was exactly what i was thinking

[@Strider1Wilco]

cause we all go thru this. we'll make it man.

[@prod.arcsyne2990]

Because theres a-lot of overlap of the problems young people face. Our parents weren’t taught these things, and we weren’t taught either as a result. People with depression, anxiety and as well as those who come from abusive or neglectful homes, dont learn how to have healthy boundaries, self-love/worth, emotional stability, communication skills, etc.

[@lxi4882]

Literally

[@iulishadow]

This resonates with me so much! I have been dealing with this problem ever since I can remember and coupled with maladaptive daydreaming it make it so that the best conversations I have ever had were with myself in my own head. I wonder if there might be a link between difficulty expressing yourself and an adhd/vata-like mind. There videos have been of immense value, it's insane! :))

[@KitsCloud]

I haven't seen the video yet, but I just wanted to say I resonate with the topic. This may sound arrogant, but I think I'm mentally/socially/emotionally ahead of a lot of people. Even when it comes to actual conversations. I'm (overly) aware of my surroundings and the mood, and I'm not often awkward. BUT!! I can't get to that point. I don't know how to get to that point anymore. I avoid any sort of social interactions now because it's often in groups, and in group situations I DO feel like my mind is ahead of my mouth. I like to keep an eye on how people are feeling but in a group situation I struggle with that and it almost feels like an overload? And so I end up not speaking. From typing this out I feel like I'm realising it's an issue of control? 1 on 1 you can easily control how the situation goes, and what the mood's like. In a group you can't easily do that.

[@jessdoritowhale]

It’s so bad being someone who wants to talk to everyone and connect to people all the time but it’s so hard considering how I just never talk to anyone, even with my childhood self I don’t even remember talking for very long periods of time. Texting however is a different story, I can write paragraphs, talk about my interests for hours, there’s thought in what I have to say, there’s order in my ideas. Maybe I have some sort of trauma with my parents not really ever liking what I have to say, maybe maybe not.

[@joseavilag.1911]

It happens often with me but speaking english, I'm not a native speaker and often I can't express myself well speaking but after I remember something better to say, in my mind I think I sound like a native speaker. I use your videos to learn english btw.

[@cvbattum]

"A lot of times, we think thoughts in our head" Wow this is just pure, unequaled wisdom.

[@toms6147]

It’s like this video was made for me. I do a political podcast with my friend. Me being a PolSci&Econ major in college, and my friend having no higher education but consuming a lot of political commentary and news. I always have trouble demonstrating nuance, or in general getting into words everything that I study. It’s so hard to glean information and communicate with concision in the moment. I am so used to thinking, researching, writing out my thoughts and findings, not so much talking them out. Such is life of a college student. The podcast has helped me greatly in this regard from when I first started, but when I listen to each episode back I loathe the way I sound and come off in my arguments, and can read my own ineffectualness. I always know JUST what to say to articulate meaning, after the argument has finished. This video helped a lot to push through some of those barriers for me.

[@Mendoxs_]

Dude. I think the whole assumptions thing just solved my eye contact problem too. Because if being able to communicate well involves thinking from someone else's perspective, then looking directly at them makes it a lot easier to focus on them and what context they're missing in the conversation. This is awesome. Might be more complicated than that but now I don't feel so lost anymore and that makes it easier to cope with every day :)

[@Nalfheim]

We can compare this with music, just because you can hear a melody in your head doesn't mean you can pick up an instrument and play it if you don't know how to play that instrument

[@northofbrandon]

This also happens w music: be dreaming, and ripping incredible solos that make sense and sound amazing. Wake up, try do. No do.

[@julyol119]

So, I had a (in hindsight pretty funny) problem as a teen/student in school. I used to be very good at understanding, summarising and formulating things and I could actually hold the thought until it was my turn to speak. But after saying the thing, it would completely leave my mind. Total vanacy. So if I was asked to repeat what I said, I would blank out xD Apparently, as I found out waaay later, this is due to my then undiagnosed adhd. Like, my short term memory sucks majorly in many ways and this was just one of them. But I'm still a little salty about missing out on better grades or being laughed at for forgetting stuff I just said myself. In any case, taking notes was a revelation. When I got used to doing it, I started to do it without even thinking and often enough just the idea of making a note is enough to anchor a specific thought or idea in my brain.

[@ravelian]

could you elaborate on this method a bit more? it seems helpful, like do you reread the notes to remember, how do you structure them etc

[@julyol119]

@@ravelian It's really just very hurried scrawls. Usually, when I feel like I have a really good thought or something I really need to not forget, I just write down a few words about it before or while raising my hand. Like "This -> That -> because of XYZ". Or just the name of a scientist or theory, that would fit there, if I can be sure that the combination of my note and the topic itself would trigger the right memory. It's usually just really fast and dorty, because I don't want to lose track of the conversation or lecture that's going on at the same time. My general note taking is wild, but I get down a lot of information and rarely reread the notes anyways. Usually the act of writing stuff down is enough to make the most important things stick around. But occasionally I do sort them by date and clean them up or type them up, which for me is usually also more effective than just studying.

[@dragonarch0]

I am so friggin glad I found this channel. I was thinking about it just few seconds ago and this appears.

[@taxmanXD]

Speaking about the empathic circuits, I have the problem of overanalysing how the other person will take my words and it leads me to not say anything. Some jokes come to mind, or sometimes I'm afraid to correct or challenge someone because they might feel bad about it or think I'm gaslighting them.

[@saturationstation1446]

often i will be thinking of a word to say but then say something totally different. sometimes that thing is insulting. if im getting yelled at or any stressful situation like that i pretty much completely lose my ability to communicate or control whatever im saying. my body does a huge adrenaline dump the second i start to become scared or too uncomfortable and that further disables my ability to think or speak the way i normally can

[@av8213]

try taking a deep breath to calm yourself when you feel that adrenaline rush

[@saturationstation1446]

@@av8213 my whole body starts trembling for at least an hour every time something triggers a dump. i do try my best to control my breathing but my shakes get unmanageable more often than not

[@av8213]

@@saturationstation1446 if u physically cant control it that's not something you can fix on your own. if u can try to talk to someone, even dr k but i can't help you :(

[@Oblisk]

From personal anecdote, I tend to stutter/slur my words when speaking to people as I sometimes think too much of what I’m about to say before saying it, which ends up building a sense of anxiety which leads to me messing up my speech. I realize when I am more naturally relaxed and I’m more in the moment, my speech is more natural and flows better with less stutters and such. I’ve also realized taking a good deep breath before talking and specifically “talking from my stomach” exerts a more clear and deep cadence in my voice, allowing me to sound more confident and appealing so I’m less likely to be ignored or interrupted, leading to less “fast talking.” Pacing is key.

[@bree9677]

Awesome video, thank you for breaking this down so clearly. I studied communication in school but I laughed out loud when you connected it to parkour and being able to imagine yourself doing that vs actually practicing it! I've never heard someone say it like that. Keep up the great work

[@steezyskis2167]

I used to struggle with this, I'd get so lost in what I was gonna say to actually listen. My best conversations come when I don't think about what to say I just listen and respond. It's empowering to see that others are just as concerned about what I think of them as I am, so it doesn't really matter anyways because the only thing that sticks is how they think I think of them at the end of the conversation.

[@novocaine09]

I have issues expressing myself in any way, and it can be very frustrating. I want to do a lot of therapy (but in my area of Alabama there is very little mental health resources).

[@dueler8281]

I was laying in my bed this morning and I was practicing out loud on the stories I would tell to the therapist I’m going to see on March 8th. As I was practicing I noticed my story telling was flawless I wasn’t stuttering at all really and I would stop and even pause with my story telling and come up with questions a therapist would ask me, for instance “what was your childhood like?” And I would continue my own story based on these questions. However when I am face to face with someone, I cannot even hold a conversation let alone tell a story because I always forget what I’m going to say in response to another person.

[@cosmictraveler731]

Sounds like you have social anxiety, your amygdala shuts down your higher thinking due to a survival/fear response you've learned due to negative social experiences. I highly suggest talking to your therapist about this, I have the same issue. Recognizing why the eyes of others made me freeze up, and that it wasn't because I was broken but because of a natural survival mechanism, was a huge help in this. Even Dr. k has a vid on it, it's one of his case studies I believe. Where social anxiety caused by past disapproval/bullying/mistakes is not you being broken or bad, rather it's your survival instincts working correctly, telling you to protect yourself from those negative situations.

[@alertsquirrel]

Hey Dr. K, have you ever heard of Aphantasia? You mentioned being able to think about doing a ninja kick, and I had to chuckle a bit when my response was "people do that?" Because I can't really visualize I tend to have more abstract or intensely repetitive thoughts. I'm not totally Aphantasic - I kind of visualize but it's incredibly vague, think light and whispy smoke for things and people that I'm very familiar with. Mentally manipulating that image is about as challenging as the smoke analogy makes it seem. Furthermore, I have a very weak internal monologue at best - and this is where it really correlates to this video - I can't have a full conversation in my head; at best it's a few words or a short sentence and it doesn't really have a "voice" that sounds like me or anyone distinct. At worst it will be just one word or name with a whole bunch of emotional weight behind it incessantly repeating, unfortunately it's also much clearer during those times. My questions are: How would what you suggested here change for someone like myself or even someone who is completely Aphantasic and without any internal monologue, if at all and; If you are already familiar with the subject, would you consider doing a video on the subject?

[@LordcrazyMedia]

This guys approach of turning people into healthier gamers instead of just telling people to quit gaming is amazing! Keep up the good work dude and thanks for helping us out!

[@rm.makes.me.smile_]

For me, I tend to have a hard time finding the right words to express what I want to convey. It’s like my empathic assumptions are all there, but I draw a blank as far as which word will most effectively fill that gap :/ like, my thoughts are so complex that I struggle to find words that match them. Maybe I just need to read some dictionaries and absorb more specific descriptive words so that my arsenal of vocabulary is better suited for the intricacy of my thoughts. 🤔 I do relate though with the adrenaline rush thing. I tend to feel more satisfied with how I’ve expressed my thought when I’m writing and have the time to carefully analyze and choose the perfect words to convey my thoughts; however when I’m in a verbal conversation, there’s a sense of pressure to get the words out in a certain amount of time and it feels like panicked rummaging through a pile of objects to find one missing item.

[@maxnolife_]

i’ve been starting to write down speeches thought out in my head and reading it out loud to make sure my idea comes the way it wants to. Furthermore, I think even writing down the tone of your voice or intentional pauses can make your idea in your mind come out the way you intend to.

[@BiggestHater754]

Sometimes I feel like never talking again, I don't even know how to describe how I feel, but sometimes I just feel like not talking ever again

[@ethanquenum4778]

So never talk again. Simple.

[@BiggestHater754]

@@ethanquenum4778 what a great response, who could've thought of that?

[@chelbylu87]

Thank you for the recognition of art therapy at @19:30 Dr. K :)! I’m an art therapist and it’s always nice for the field to get more recognition since it’s often quite misunderstood

[@akaruiuzumaki4309]

A few moths ago i discovered that i process emotion and stuff that bothers me through my drawings. I can visualize them much better and i am talking to others more about the things that bothers me. Normally I'm too shy, get too emotional or just can't find the right words to describe it. Furthermore I'm feeling much better and I'm more concentrated during the day when I'm drawing my concerns.

[@Smashachu]

I can personally attest to this first hand. I used to be a terrible communicator, my thoughts would never expressed the way i had them formed in my head and i would stumble over my words and look like a baboon. After i got a job taking calls for apple customer service, my ability to confidently and quickly articulate my thoughts rapidly increased. I'm proud of my ability to now talk to anyone about anything if i want to.

[@jamescanjuggle]

I had huge difficulty with this as a kid. Heres what i did/do how it made me feel, and what happened as a result. Say your ideas/thoughts/feelings out loud. This made me feel embarrassed, even when alone, a benefit was i became much clearer as time went on. It also made me feel confident, despite the initial embarrasment that comes first. Roleplay DnD was my roleplay of choice, the embarrasment/muddling words came again, it was stronger with people around. This began to fall away as i messed up, people laughed, but they let me try again. As a result, my confidence grew and my words began to flow

[@DaPoofDaPoofDaPoofDa]

I also think if you ALREADY PERCEIVE yourself as someone not with listening to, it’s like your unconsciously self-sabotage: Therapy helps with any underlying insecurities or doubts, maybe even traumas that are keeping you from presenting as your best; And I think being kind towards yourself is so underrated: like stop talking Shit to yourself, taking down to yourself/putting yourself down, repeating any Fucked up things you might’ve heard growing up? Be kind towards yourself and give yourself a fighting chance. Slow down. Take your time. You are worthy of being heard

[@youtubeaccountserio2633]

My god god bless this man he knows everything so detailed, never seen something so accurate. I wish I had this doctors

[@CubensisEnjoyer]

For me this explains what happened not only to my social skills but my overall communication skills once the pandemic started. I stopped working and talking to people every day and felt like I had completely regressed. My previous job required accurate communication all the time and it had me trained to communicate well but when I stopped having regular conversations with different people I sort of lost that skill.

[@ConservativeSatanist666]

Wow.. this makes perfect sense. It's just like when I paint. Getting an idea and knowing what image I want is one part. Getting that image on the canvas takes skill of what I've learned over time.

[@Jerry-u3v]

For me, this is fixed when I feel what I speak. When I try to describe what I think, it comes off shitty. When I speak through the feeling, I’m extremely eloquent. Same with any other expression (writing, body language, being kind, contemplation, etc.)

[@montegyro]

This hit me like a pile of bricks. I've had a hearing impairment all of my life, and it forced me to live in my head all the time. Which meant I rarely practiced communicating. I would do so bad in English courses that I had to take the 200 level course in college 4 times before I got a sufficient grade. Others would struggle to understand me when I rant or give an opinion, or try to explain something. I'm really intelligent, but it's so frustrating to be trapped in my own head. I think I'm going to take up creative writing. I'm already working on my speech by jumping into the ttrpg sphere of Twitch. Gods, it explains so much why I freeze up trying to describe something.

[@Havenkin]

Good on you for seemingly never giving up when it comes to communication and not letting it ruin your motivation

[@shinakazami1]

Tips from Dr K: 1. Work on linguistic cortex - Clarify your ideas a) Write things down b) Roleplay (with your therapist, someone else ) 2. Clear assumptions - Put yourself fin shoes of the other person - what they understand, what you may need to explain. 3 Calm your mind - breathing, propranolol (prescribed medication, ask your therapist)

[@Gokubowser]

Didn’t expect to resolve one of my biggest problems today good video

[@benjaminabbottscott]

Laying out assumptions was a challenge for me for years. I couldn't understand why English teachers would make notes "asking silly questions" on my papaers. "I mean, isn't that obvious?" It can feel really tedious to track down and spell out those assumptions, but it's absolutely key. Great vid.

[@yojackson7]

Dude, every Dr. K video opens up a little part of my mind that I never though existed. Love the videos!

[@theoriginalneckbeard]

My problem is that I can articulate quite well around people I feel comfortable talking to, but as soon as someone that intimidates me somehow or when I just don't feel comfortable and safe I can't communicate my exact thoughts anymore. Sometimes its also like when I think (and that may sound narcissistic) that the person in front of me couldn't comprehend what I am going to say I either say nothing or I water it down to a level where the person in front of me must think that I'm an idiot. It seems to happen automatically, I can't help it.

[@orbismworldbuilding8428]

One of the things that makes it difficult for me is the way i think is multiple simultaneous trains of thought that interconnect, a lot of times i think non-linnearly, and i think partly in things like images and stuff

[@pencilcheck]

This is trainable, been there and found ways to fix it I have to switch mode and change my perspective instead of being thinking of myself all the time. Also a good night sleep is useful. Speech is not about your own thoughts but how you think others will perceive so you can always speak about the outline first pause and ask for opinion and then keep going

[@sweepingpage1845]

I kind of have the opposite problem. I take what should be a 10 minute conversation, and when I try to rehearse it to myself, it takes me a couple hours to not even get through the whole thing. But when I actually have that conversation with a person, I'm able to speak confidently and succinctly about it. It used to frustrate me to no end, but maybe it's not really a problem after all.

[@cosmictraveler731]

Nothing wrong with that, ideas are complex and sorting through them in private can take a while.

[@mosquito001]

One reason I know for this is because we tend to think like 2-3 things simultaneously that collectively make sense. But when you speak you can only speak out only one thought at a time, which order will make people understand the most is a skill only a few have.

[@joshparker5779]

Role-playing conversations is one of the biggest, hugest things I've wanted to do with a therapist or someone for years and years.

[@rightwingsafetysquad9872]

I think a lot of people don't realize how much of their thinking is non-verbal and how vague that thinking is. For example, I'm sure there's a lot of people out there who can reason through existentialism or the modal ontological proof of God, but the genius of the classical philosophers from Plato all the way up through Baudrillard is the ability to translate those vague thought processes into specific transferable language. One of the shortfallings of many of us is the mental translation into language is so taxing that we lose focus on certain key components of the process, and usually leave our assumptions unsaid. If you've ever listened to Molyneux explain Univerally Preferable Behavior agreeing with everything he says, but deep down knowing he's wrong, you know what I mean. And when we're having intimate confrontations the emotions get in the way enough that even when challenged on our assumptions, we can't get back to the vague processes to summon the assumptions into language. That's the great benefit of role-playing, by taking most of the emotion out of it, it helps keep the thoughts on the rails.

[@papercliprain3222]

When learning a foreign language, reading improves all aspects of your language skills(for more info look into the input hypothesis). I would imagine that would have to also apply to your native language then, so you might try lots of reading. Also it’s interesting from that perspective as well because I’m not good enough in the language I’m learning to think instinctively in it yet, like it’s really hard to have thoughts in Japanese. But, when I am actually speaking to someone in Japanese I say stuff that I would not have been able to think to myself in my head so I wonder if your linguistic cortex can out learn the rest of the brain’s ability to think.

[@swukpuff3320]

Sometimes it can go both ways I think, a lot of the time when I'm struggling to complete a thought in my head, I find that it goes way faster if I explain it to someone else, or write it specifically to someone else and not just to me. I think it's related to what you were saying about assumptions, if I am only thinking about the parts of a thought that are new to me and skipping over what I take for granted, sometimes it's easy to just get completely stuck because I'm removing context for myself. Really committing to the idea of communicating to someone who I know will need more context than me is usually enough for me to push through whatever block I had. This is also the reason why my friends have gotten used to receiving a bunch of mini-essays from me lol

[@infinitex2]

Something that I think is worth considering is whether that feeling that it "makes sense" in your head is actually reliable. It feels like your thought makes sense, but it's not obvious to me that this feeling can be entirely trusted. Maybe you're actually expressing the thought well, but you just assess that though differently when you hear yourself speak it.

[@adjeteygenevieveadjokor1500]

Communication is a skill and to perfect a skill involves consistent and delicate practice

[@georgepantzikis7988]

This is a problem I've never had. One of the first times I haven't felt called out by one of Dr K's videos. FeelsGoodMan.

[@Methylglyoxal]

I envy you bro

[@AForEh]

Can you freestyle?

[@crystaleunoia3974]

How?

[@georgepantzikis7988]

@@AForEh lol no

[@georgepantzikis7988]

@@crystaleunoia3974 idk I just don't feel like there's a gap between what I think and how I say it. I already think in words so just take the internal monologue and vocalise it.

[@stuckwchuck]

This is insightful. Thank you for helping the world with your skills.

[@tokiimori]

This couldn’t have come at a better time since I’m actually doing a public speaking class this semester and had trouble with this, thanks Dr. K!

[@avinashvarghese1027]

your youtube channel is like an goldmine , my communication skill is bad. whenever i talk to people , i assume that they already know what im talking about that i just say those "dashes" and later be like wait a minute, how will they know what im thinking

[@Havenkin]

I've got a peculiar issue with my speaking that I think is correlated with anxiety. People have stated that I'm extremely articulate on paper or in messages but often times it becomes extremely garbled up when speaking, mostly at a work environment where there is pressures and I am also focusing at the tasks at hand. Is there different cognitive functions involved with speaking than writing that have to do with stress levels, anything like that? Or is it something else entirely. I am not sure.

[@Havenkin]

Fairly certain I'm simply struggling with the "slowing down" aspect of the mind, which may not effect how I type or write, but just the speaking.

[@RobertWGreaves]

Not only is communicating a skill, so is thinking. When we verbally express an idea we comprehend it from a different vantage point. We discover the idea kept in the head is nowhere near as brilliant as we first thought. Getting thoughts out into the air help us to see the shortcomings of our imagined clarity. Rehearsing an idea to the mirror or by talking to ourselves helps us reshape and improve an argument. Speech is linear, thoughts do not have to be. I find it very helpful to read aloud what I write to reveal how mangled my written thought is. The writing improves when it finally sounds right once out in the air.

[@fighternk13]

Was literally thinking about this today, but then again, I always think about it. There’s a quote I always used to describe this issue to people, it goes: “In my mind I am eloquent; I can climb intricate scaffolds of words to reach the highest cathedral ceilings and paint my thoughts. But when I open my mouth, everything collapses.”

[@isthereabirdinhere]

Thank you so much for this. I struggle with translating my thoughts so much and it is extremely frustrating. Saving the video to remind myself when I am struggling with this.

[@Jonathan-sc8fq]

you have to do this weird trial and error of saying cringy ass statements and stumbling over your words until you find that balance

[@waytospergtherebro]

I bet sitting around and playing video games all fucking day will be really good for you. Keep at it, champ.

[@TomSweeney89]

Dr K + Sadhguru = happy life

[@reemillustrates4718]

The part about assumptions and meeting people where they’re at. I’m gonna give an example and you tell me if it’s correct. Say i want to vent to my mom about something i’m insecure about, and her response is, “just dont care so much what people think. I mean look at me, caring about what my mom think of me has been giving me so much anxiety. Be better than me.” What she says is understandable and coming from a place of love, but it can also be construed as, “shes not listening to me. Shes not empathizing with me. Shes making it about her. I wish she would acknowledge how hard it is for me. I already know that im not suppose to care so much and im working on that.” So now i know where the mom is coming from. How to get her to see my point of view? Should i say, “i know where ur coming from, and its very hard when your mom doesnt love you the way you want and need to be loved. And i love how you worked on becoming a better mother to me because you are self aware of your own traumas. It feels to me though that you are not listening. That you assume you know my struggles by comparing them to yours. I know its the same basic concept of not being identified by others. But my situation is so different and complex it can never be compared. What i would love so much is for you to drop every assumption u have in ur head and just listen. I know i shouldnt care. Im working on that. You telling me what u just said makes me think that ur not giving me the benefit of the doubt and that u assume im not working on myself when the truth is i am. But something i just need your validation. And sometimes i still need advice and i dont wanna feel like thats not okay.”

[@flor.7797]

Why can't I talk period 😭😂

[@Nerketur]

I find in my experience the hardest point to get right is #2. I've spent a large portion of my life trying to get better at it, with some success, too. Points 1 and 3 are also important, of course, but with Drama (class) and my text roleplay, I didn't (and dont) have much issue with those points (anymore). I didn't get better at assumptions until I got fed up with people misunderstanding what I meant in roleplay. That was when I realized how important description really was, and when I started describing things a lot better. To this day, I still work on #2. It's fairly hard, for me, but I can still see improvement. I don't know if I'll ever be a master, but I'm very insightful because of it, and can usually tell things about people that they either don't know, or want to keep secret. Communication is hard. A valuable skill that I feel we all need to practice, including myself. Even so, sometimes I find myself wishing I could go back to not caring about it and just not communicating at all, to anyone. Now, I care too much about the person or people. Such is life, I suppose.

[@warren140]

my stutter makes this like 10x worse D:

[@flmejndor]

Yeah, with you on that one (_ _)

[@theterminaltech3323]

Commutation is a skill. 1. Linguistic cortex. Thoughts to words. Write things out. Stuff goes through linguistic cortex. That's a practice. He tried to write book and that's why he's good now. Role playing conversation helps too. Rehearsal Get those kind of practices. Assumptions Your brain knows that but other persons don't. Those gaps. Author in readers shoes. Being empathetic. Fill the gaps. One step at a time. Calm the mind. Manic person makes no sense. It's too rapid. Speeding up makes no sense. Breathing before speaking. Public speaking. Slow things down. To something for it, maybe exercises.

[@user-yc9ig1nl2h]

ᅠ ᅠᅠ

[@yaitsme8552]

for me, I usually struggle in interviews, esp when it comes to open ended questions like for ex when the interviewer asks me to tell them about myself...my brain goes 10 million directions and I never know which route to take ...esp when there are so many things I'm trying to say in a short amount of time and I'm thinking of things on the spot..... another issue I struggle with is finding the right words to say in a professional tone. When I'm writing, I'm so used to going back, reading over my sentences, backspacing words and phrases I don't need and editing sentences to make sense out of it, but when I'm speaking..I just ramble on... there are no back spaces or proofreading, and when I go back to correct my own grammar, or when I correct myself for misusing a word, I end up getting stuck, and then I forget my point (partly because of my ADD as well) and then I don't end the sentences well with a strong point. I'm just not very articulate in a way where I can put together sentences beautifully ...for open ended questions, its hard for my brain to stick with a path without covering the others....its just so hard for me to put together long thoughtful sentences quickly without being able to edit anything.....its def a skill I would like to learn more about and work on

[@TurtleDucki]

Dr. K have you seen the new Attack on Titan episode?

[@freddy4603]

He has seen it.

[@marsjokes]

I would like for him to do a discussion and analysis on the premise of the show, and its themes.

[@vladislavkaras491]

Really thank you, Dr. K! The last one, about calming the mind is useful. Most of the time, in public, I think most of the problems, is that we are over stressed to talk in front of many people.

[@DharmaScienceRadio]

Lemme just answer the question from my awareness: mind exists to be shared with other, not used by oneself, and so imagining conversations going a certain way in your head is just imagination. In reality, thinking and communicating are two different quantum themes relating to different energy centers, and so some of us have those two connected to each other with a defined relationship, and others have them open, undefined, and inconsistent. It just is what it is! Awareness key ☀️

[@anthonyhewitt9397]

This was good advice for people who have trouble speaking to people. It takes practice practice practice.

[@Yorkie111]

I went from someone who used to be able to talk fairly well and coherently to someone who really struggles to verbalise my thoughts, experiences, ideas and needs etc. The awareness of it is painful. I basically became a recluse, stopped communicating for years outside of very little small talk with parents who don't really care for what I have to say anyway. I wish I never stopped using my voice online at least, that was my only real outlet and form of practice. I have become so internalised that it feels suffocating in a way. I'm also extremely depressed and agoraphobic, constantly on edge so that doesn't help things at all, on top of that I have zero confidence in anything I say or do, even right now. Funny you mention propranolol as something that helps though, I've been on it for years and it certainly doesn't help me in that area. If anything I feel like it slows my brain down too much! Is that possible? Anyway, really enjoying these videos, thanks for explaining things in a way that I never could and helping us understand how our brains truly work!

[@truthbetold2354]

I dont rehearse anything in my head and i dont stumble over my words....