Why Dating Without True Compatibility Matters!

[@charmee4045]

Excellent video, just what I needed right now. A few things in common but not the main ones. Be what you want to date, if you are fit, attractive, intelligent, athletic, don't date someone that is going to get in shape this year, it may not happen. I am trying to find someone that did not grow up in an alcoholic home, hard to find. My father was an alcoholic and my husbands mother was an alcoholic, it doesn't work. I would like to see a video on this topic, it is very prevalent someone's childhood is extremely important to find out about when dating someone new. If most of their siblings are alcoholic not good.

[@CoffeewithCarey]

that is why people who get married within a few months are always so surprising to me. There is so much to discover about someone new and about their family, and the other relationships in their lives. 🤎👍

[@andreeavirban]

I love the algorithm! I needed to hear this TODAY. I am at a crossroad in a situation where the person is beyond wonderful just not my person. I had a mental war for 2 weeks now between what I can live with and what is the right thing to do. We are just not compatible no matter how much I like this person and the inner struggle is all about that. Thank you for giving me the vocabulary to manage this situation!

[@CoffeewithCarey]

💓 you’ve made my day! so happy that this resonated with you, and it was helpful to you in someway! 🤎

[@TheTerrypcurtin]

Nonsense. You need growth. Picking the same jerk ya had 25 years ago is insanity. The stats are facts. You hide in fantacy you can't fix you!! This lady is telling you nonsense. Lose weight. Get your life together first. Have a purpose. Even this lady is obese. Let's see her be single. Lol.

[@tomjeffersonwasright2288]

Financial compatibility is one of my major concerns. Having worked and planned, I am retired with a comfortable home, and the freedom that comes with a debt free existence. Some traits take a year to discover, but financial irresponsibility is published monthly, on each credit card statement. Carrying a balance from month to month is a major red flag to me. If your debts are greater than your assets, you are a debt ridden pauper. It amazes me how many women who have financially ruined their own lives want to become manager of my finances. Economic discord is one of the greatest destroyer of marriages, and inability to manage finances is a huge deal breaker for me.

[@CoffeewithCarey]

That’s very common. Most all the people I interview want somebody who is fiscally responsible. 👍

[@brians7894]

The anxious vs reassuring example was right on for me. My first wife and I were both anxious types and we often took our emotions beyond the reasonable. My 2nd wife is reassuring and keeps me grounded in reality, while I help her to see all the possibilities life has to offer.

[@CoffeewithCarey]

That’s so wonderful that you found that!

[@Stopthismadnessnow-t4l]

I made this mistake, divorced after trying my hardest and still am paying for it 15 years later. My parents were not compatible in any way. I did make a much better choice than they did, but it still was a disaster. I think that I have learned this less, but never had I heard anyone discuss it. Thank you, Carrie!!

[@CoffeewithCarey]

Look at you on this life journey and learning lessons along the way! ;D As long as we’re making progress, let’s be nice to ourselves, right? thanks for sharing a bit of your story and leaving a message, Amy! 🤎👍

[@PossumLover1111]

Great video/advice as always. I had lived with a man for 1.5 yrs. He moved in too soon yet he was almost too good to be true. Things were bliss for about 6 months but then he began to change ........as if his job of love-bombing me was done now that he had me and he turned into such a selfish person. It's as if his true colors came out (I never saw them early on and believed he was who he showed me he was). He smoked weed often (several times a day) and stay in his room (yes we had separate bedrooms) and play on his iphone non-stop. We were more like housemates than romantic partners. Then one day he decides he didn't want to be with me and moved out. I thought we were compatible but turns out we really weren't (I'm in my 60s and he was early 70s). I live alone now with my dog and am very content but the hope is still there of meeting someone suitable for me.

[@CoffeewithCarey]

good example. six months seems a long time but it was barely enough! I have nothing against marijuana, but for some people it is very demotivating. maybe even for lovebombing! 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@jirehmak]

What a great set of questions! I so wish you were around back in 2017...might have saved me a lot of heartache and money. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. This is the best straight up, common sense guide to dating I've run into once you get into the logistics of meeting new people. Thank you!!!

[@CoffeewithCarey]

Well, thank you, for the kind words!

[@josephschuster1494]

Great advice, Coach! A recipe for lifelong misery! 😢

[@CoffeewithCarey]

☕️☕️

[@hump1953]

My parents had a horrible marriage and for the life of me I could see any compatibility in interests and values they shared… oh well, maybe that’s why I’m 71 years old , single, never married and really don’t want to go full in in a long term relationship….

[@CoffeewithCarey]

But you never even felt compelled to do it differently. You know so many kids say their parents were the worst parents, so I can’t wait to have kids and do the opposite of how my parents raised me.

[@hump1953]

@@CoffeewithCarey I have two younger brothers who married and raised good kids and my brothers were excellent husbands and fathers and they had solid marriages, I’m so proud of them… I often think our parents marriage was a model for them what a marriage SHOULD NOT be…

[@andersmonemar3833]

This is suprisingly good stuff. Thank you!

[@CoffeewithCarey]

Don’t be so surprised!!! 😡 😆

[@andersmonemar3833]

It's actually hard to find quality content on these topics. One needs to wade through lots of material to find it. So it is always a pleasant suprise when it happends! 🌻

[@EyeOfScrutiny]

Sound advice indeed.

[@Infrared1967]

This is powerful. This pairing causes a serious emotional addiction.

[@CoffeewithCarey]

I don’t think everyone understands the repercussions of choosing the wrong person- when nobody can fix it

[@CoffeewithCarey]

hence, my choosing to film an episode on this topic. haha

[@Infrared1967]

I've researched this for 10 years. I love your show because you don't get too far off topic with such a dark subject. You coax us back into having fun.

[@CoffeewithCarey]

@@Infrared1967 awww, thank you. that is reassuring when I sometimes feel that maybe I’m not going deep enough. Glad to know you enjoy it this way. Even enough to mention me, hoping to get the channel some attention when you have the opportunity. ;-) 🤎

[@starcatcher3691]

I wish I knew this earlier in life. I had a older boyfriend and it wasn't until after we broke up I realized how incompatible we were. We were both vegans and into art so that was good but I was also spiritually minded and more Patriotic than him. He was a leftist with a history of addiction. He never got my spirituality and at times seemed to kind of make fun of it. I didn't like his leftism. He was older than me but should have known better. All of that time wasted. Now when I think of him I don't even care about saying "hi". Sad. Compatibility is important.

[@CoffeewithCarey]

Yup easier if values are aligned. I don’t know if age has anything to do with it. I know a lot of older people whose values are the complete opposite of mine. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@Joy-nl1hb]

so good

[@CoffeewithCarey]

Thank you

[@sethtenrec]

I completely agree with this video, as far as it goes, but only as far as it goes. Compatibility is complex. Attachment styles, personality types, childhood wounds, intelligence (including “EQ”), habits, hobbies, health, goals, religion, politics, libido, other people in their life …the list goes on and on. Combine that with the fact that there’s no person on this planet who will be completely compatible with you. Yeah, not easy to discern , even in a year …or five.

[@CoffeewithCarey]

100% agreement that this episode was not a lesson in compatibility, only a warning. But we certainly talk about other aspects of compatibility in other episodes. Perhaps not ‘easy’ to discern, but if you’re paying attention for a whole year, you will have a pretty good idea about who this person is and whether you are complementing and meeting each other’s needs. 👍

[@sethtenrec]

@@CoffeewithCarey but am I that patient? 😉 ….I intended no criticism of the video, and your point is well taken, for one thing, I am getting too old to have another “long term mistake”. Anyway, it’s another bit of personal growth knowledge filed away somewhere. Thanks!

[@Abrz1991]

How to tell if someone’s compatible when people are so complex and the passion “googles” stay on and blind us from red flags for a while before we notice ? Any insight or have you made a video on this by any chance ? Do people have to go through many relationships to find out what kind of people are suitable for us / fills our needs ?

[@CoffeewithCarey]

Yes, I believe they do. I believe that’s what your 20s are for: to date and to have friends where you can become familiar with qualities that will and will not work for you in a long term partner. and to learn about become acquainted with your adult self and understand who you are and what you need. You don’t have to approach it like it’s a job or daunting task. It just happens naturally, by living your life and putting yourself out there to meet people.

[@LTNeila]

What is true compatibility?

[@CoffeewithCarey]

if you are not sure what that means for you, and you are looking for a partner, i suggest some inner work, and perhaps with the guided help of a therapist.

[@LTNeila]

I really don’t know what the answer is…

[@CoffeewithCarey]

I think you’re gonna have to think about it for a bit

[@alexanderlapp5048]

Well this gives me absolutely no hope. I am incompatible with almost everyone. I don't blame you though, it's not your fault that I am such an oddball.

[@CoffeewithCarey]

I think the key word in your message is “hope”. And that you mentioned I am not to blame. Makes me feel that you are not truly accepting responsibility for your choices if the idea of blame even occurred to you. 🤷🏻‍♀️ If you have “hope” of partnering, then you also have the option to change. There are people who are completely at peace or happy being incompatible with most people. These people are delighted with joyous life without a partner. Something for you to think about, perhaps…

[@alexanderlapp5048]

@@CoffeewithCarey , I am sorry. I had a rough few days. Working outside in the rain alone with no one to go home to just has me in a bit of a bitter mood. You did give me some perspective of why past things didn't work. I just settled for someone who happened to be available. It seemed like my ex-wife was a source of stress more than a source of comfort. It became increasingly so, and I gradually just stopped caring anymore. I was married 16 years. Today is the 14 anniversary of my divorce. I have a girlfriend for about a year. That ended over 8 years ago. I am trying to learn things from KZbin videos but sometimes I get more confused. It's been my own choices that got me where I am today. I just don't know where to go from here. Part of my problem is work. Working until dark or exhaustion isn't good to do all the time, but that's what I know. I need to make sure the alimony and child support get paid.

[@CoffeewithCarey]

@@alexanderlapp5048 No need to apologize to me, Alex. I just wanted you to contemplate if you were truly interested in having a partner. and more importantly, if you were interested in doing the work that we must do in order to BE a good partner to someone else. As you learned, it’s not just about picking someone.It’s also about being the type of partner you want to have. No reason to add more stress now that some of that has been relieved and you are working on creating some type of work life balance. ;) Sending you positive vibes… 🤎👍

[@ssiegreen5292]

@@alexanderlapp5048 Working yourself to the ground is a problem. I did this for 30 odd years - until I got Covid in 2020 and nearly croaked. To make a long story short - work is a great way of keeping busy and not dealing or not having the energy to deal with one's problems. And to keep you from healing, getting deep insights and doing "inner work" if you want to go woowoo. Being forced to slow down, also gave me the opportunity to consider and reconsider who I am, dealing with the sh*t that happened many years ago, delve into my childhood mysteries [lets call it that, to be kind] - and come out of the other end a very different person. I hope you can find a way for that introspection without the almost dying part - there is hope and a future waiting for you, if you can find the clarity to look for it. Actually - not so much "look" for it, because that speaks of lack, looking forward to it sounds better, but still not 100% correct terminology... Happy Thanksgiving to you - gratitude is such a big part of getting there!

[@Va13chka]

@@alexanderlapp5048Get some therapy man. If you can’t keep a woman, it’s you. Invest in a therapist asap. Go make some frens and get new hobbies outside of work. Learn to be happy alone and not expect others to accept your trauma dumping. Learn some emotional intelligence to read emotions and practice being empathetic person to others.