Why detransitioning after 25 years was the most healing thing I have ever done.

[@DefectivePieceofChalk]

Our stories are very different, but there are quite a few similarities as well. I'm also a product of extreme child abuse. My dad was a deeply damaged, sadistic, bitter and cruel man. Beating me was like a pleasure to him. Degrading me was empowering to him. And he went very far, very often. He nearly killed me more often than I want to recall. He's the reason why I suffer from cluster headaches, severe medical insomnia and a number of other things. I never had the comfort of safety at home or parental love. My trauma never led me to question the body I was born into. But I very much do recognize the self loathing, the depression, the constant hurt and seeing no way to escape it. And the anger and frustration, both to myself and the world around me, which in turn led to severe isolation. I remember believing that every beating was my fault. How my parents were probably right that their lives would be better without me in it. It's all I was taught, so it was the only way I was able to see myself. I was raised a christian. I remember the nights of praying, crying, screaming to an unresponsive god. I remember giving god an ultimatum. Finally show me he cares for me, even a little, or I was going to end it. My attempts failed and my life turned worse throughout all of it. I never saw a sign of a loving god. For me, leaving my religion was the first step I took towards healing. For me, the realization that if there even is a god, it couldn't possibly be one of the many different and entirely mutually exclusive man-made religions and it clearly wouldn't want to be known, so trying to find it is an effort in futility. That there is no higher purpose to life and that the only purpose there is to it at all, is the purpose we create. That in spite, or arguably because of this, each life is full of potential. That the absence of a higher purpose, is what gives meaning to life. That's what freed me to find and accept myself, my many flaws included. It appears that this is where we diverge somewhat. You found comfort in religion. I found comfort by leaving it. I never had a home in church. I know full well how judgmental and downright hateful christians can be. And how their religion can empower them in all this. So I gladly left without a second glance. Now I'm not saying my life is perfect. I'm not even saying I've healed from all my traumas. But I can comfortably say that finally, as I slowly head towards my 40s, I am healing and I can finally see reasons to want to live. I don't think I'll ever have a family. I honestly don't really want one. But I have the kinds of friends I always wanted, I have passions and aspirations. I am living life for me and I'm content, but not finished. There are still things I want to do and ways I want to grow. I think that too is very important. I don't think it matters much what gender we are. What matters more than anything is, can we accept ourselves? In a way, it appears we've arrived at a very similar conclusion in that regard. It's part of the human condition to tend to overcomplicate things. What I've discovered is that we find the truth when we break things down to their most basic core. And in stories like ours, that core is self acceptance. Who cares what's "normal". Who cares what society expects us to look like, or what opinions we're supposed to have. It's all fluff. If doing that forces us to act like someone we're not, we're never going to be happy. Who we are is the sum of our experiences and our choices. We're all of it. The good and the bad. The beautiful and the ugly. Our passions and desires, our fears, our regrets and even our deepest scars. The only choice we have is, how do we use all of those things to grow as a person and to become who we want to be? If we only accept the good parts, we're only accepting half of who we truly are. It's easy to embrace the Jekyll and try to pretend the Hyde doesn't exist. But when the latter manifests - which it will, it's monstrous, because we've not learned to embrace it and shape those negatives into a positive. Because all of it can be. Anger can become passion. Sadness can become empathy. Pain can become strength. It's a strenuous process and an ongoing struggle, but the benefits are extremely clear. Taking all of it and moulding it to become who we truly want to be, I believe, is the only path to a fulfilling life. That's not easy. I don't think it should be. But it is rewarding.

[@Call-Me-Sam]

Thank you, I couldn't agree more .

[@hnice5]

I'm sorry if it might sound condescending or insensitive (not my intention), but I can't imagine living with cluster headaches, let alone the trauma of being beaten up by a father... I really admire you for pulling through all the s*** life has put you through... And being able to eventually find happiness within it. Tells a lot about you. You deserve the best, man.

[@s.s.6580]

@@DefectivePieceofChalk What you've said is overwhelming to attempt to process. First, allow me to say I'm so very sorry you suffered the way you did. Lesser individuals would have died, by your father's beatings or by their own hand. It says a lot that you survived. Where we diverge is in Christ. What you've said about, "Christians" is only true about Christians who DON'T truly understand Christ & DON'T live the life he exemplified. Christ ACCEPTS others, the Jekyll AND the HYDE. Christ is NOT cruel, He loves us more than we could possibly comprehend! I can understand you leaving 'religion' but only if that was a Christian denomination that broke away from Catholicism. Catholicism goes all the way back to Christ & the Apostles. When the various Protestant groups separated from them, they began to introduce, "Christians" that DON'T follow Christ's example! (Even in the Catholic faith there are many who are flawed, weak, stupid, heartless... but that's because we're humans.). So, even Catholicism is infected with human flaws! All humans are vulnerable to the temptations of evil & some within Christ's Church WILL succumb. We see it today more than ever! I've been fortunate to fall into the loving hands of good, holy Priests & individuals that do a very good job of teaching God's Love for us, the traditions that have held since the time of Jesus, the Biblical lessons & guidelines, etc, etc, etc. I'm guessing from what you've said that there is MUCH that, through no fault of your own, you simply don't know. BUT, worst of all is the lack of a relationship with Christ. He WANTS a relationship with you, more than you realize. Yet you screamed & begged a&nd heard nothing but silence. Why? I wish I could answer that, I really really do I've cried & begged God to speak to me & heard silence for years . . . until the day He did speak to me. He spoke 3 words to me, not audibly, but through what's called a, "locution." A phrase is conveyed, not sequentially, but all at once, as if one walked through a phrase made of cloud-like vapor. I, "felt" the words, "love your sister" who was as cruel to me as your father was to you. She NEVER stopped, not when we became adults, not when our parents died, never. Her life's goal was to obliterate me from our family - not just the immediate family, but the entire extended family of relatives. She succeeded. But during the process of our Mother's dying, which lasted months, she was particularly vicious. At the point I could take no more, God finally DID answer me with those three words. Shocked that He would tell me to love the most cruel person in my life, it took me nearly a decade to finally understand Him & begin to love her. She's still the same person but I love her by praying for her & forgiving her. She doesn't know any of this, of course, because for my own well being I had to adopt a, "no contact" approach. But I now work at loving her. Maybe in another decade, God willing, I will fully achieve what He's asked of me. But even in what I've done thus far, loving her has changed ME. God has placed in my life certain individuals within the Catholic Church AND channels on KZbin that are helping me discover so very much about God's love for us & developing that relationship with a God who seems to be silent. (He isn't, we just need to listen & for Him to will it.) What helped me was to begin to share my day with Him. I thank Him every day, when I awaken. At my age, that alone IS a great gift. At 3:00 p.m. every day I contemplate the sacrifice He made for us, say some prayers for my family & pray for the holy souls in Purgatory. I pray the Rosary as often as I can (at least weekly, which isn't very much) & I attend Mass, participate in the Sacraments & truly try to spend quality time with Him. What I'm describing here takes just MINUTES per day, nothing near the sacrifice He made for us. But, it's a start. Now, God is getting more closely involved with some direct interventions in my life by the Holy Spirit. That's for another discussion, however. But the point is, talk to Christ. You don't have to join Catholicism right away - it WILL eventually help you - but you don't have to do that right away. What IS important is to get to know Christ - to have a relationship with Him. Trust in the fact that He hears you, even when He remains silent. We can't pretend to understand why He remains silent for so many, but not all. Pray to Him though, use formal prayers but also, just spend time with Him telling Him about your day, every day. As you begin to get comfortable talking to Him, your life WILL change. Rebuke any demons that have latched on to you through your trauma (that's one of the ways they keep us oppressed & blind to God's Love for us). There's a great website, the ultimate resource for prayers to rebuke demons (they are real), called the St. Michael's Center for Spiritual Healing, I think. You can search for Monsignor Stephen Rossetti if you have trouble finding it. He also does online, monthly deliverance sessions. You might benefit from them. From there, consider joining the Catholic Church. (Or, Eastern Orthodox). But first, start to explore the faith. Forgive the faults of those who think of themselves as, "Christian" that end up hurting others through their own weaknesses or stupidity. Surround yourself with Catholic mentors that will help you find a connection to Christ. I know this all may sound like a foolish or trivial suggestion to help you, but if you would only try, you may discover how greatly your life could change. Even if your father was raised Catholic, and I don't know what faith it was that you said involved prayers and such, it doesn't mean he understood what being a good Catholic meant. MANY don't!!! Maybe even most? Just try. Ask Father to place people in your life that can help you develop a relationship with Him. It's difficult to understand a God that's in 3 persons, the Father, the Son & the Holy Spirit, but for me, I feel especially close with the Father. It's He Whom I speak with the most. This must sound strange, I'm sure & I don't know if what you've suffered will even allow you to have an open mind sufficient to try, but I do hope you will. Patience, Faith & Hope - these WILL sustain you if you try. Well, this has gotten long. I wish you the very best & send my love to you as a fellow child of Christ. 💕 May your wounds be healed as you contemplate the wounds inflicted upon Him from our own stupidity & tendency to sin. But most of all, may God be with you and hold you close in His loving embrace.

[@mariamarija7753]

"If you are not seen as a child, you don't even know you're real."

[@Babysteps1000]

💯 spot on

[@hshfyugaewfjkKS]

A child then grows to believe they are a No-Thing. (nothing) Many painful beliefs arise out of that one

[@aright2lucidity]

What he said there is so profound.

[@mirandap3522]

This..."If you are not seen as a child, if you are not touched...don't even know you're real" I felt this statement in my soul.. The agony. The loneliness. The longing to EXIST. Thank you Sam. Your words make ME feel SEEN. I used to pretend to be asleep when we'd get home from my grandparent's on Christmas Eve just to experience the feeling of being held as I was carried from the car to the house.. It only happened a couple years.. But you're right. It's such a profound feeling. It validated my very existence. And in that moment, for that minute and a half, i was loveable. Bless you.

[@mmlancaster77]

That resonated so deeply. It's so profound. I'm in awe.

[@molliehatchet]

"Do not mistake the consequences of abuse for who you are". Wow.

[@Gogetemscoobie]

So so true

[@sherryab3964]

Super powerful right? Wow

[@Sherlock245]

Please listen to Dr Jordan peterson ❤ and oil london. You can tell Dr Jordan your story!!!!

[@cartomancycarmen]

So Profound.

[@helenahandkart1857]

Moving & powerful Also, scary, as I think it is what happens for so many.

[@Prinzenelleke]

There’s a young boy like Sam in my neighborhood. His violence repulses me. His energy amazes me. His eyes break my heart. From now on, I will look him in the eyes and let him know “I see you. I love you. There is nothing wrong with you.” I was so wrong to look away. Thank you for waking me up.

[@camilla757]

More than see him, can you call a child protective service to get him protection? I don't know which country you are in, but many have services that can intervene when a child is being abused. Oftentimes (incl in the US) they have hotlines you can call to make anonymous reports.

[@JennWeed1]

Be careful. Child protective services is a corrupt entity that can cause more trauma.

[@eldaabouffartiqueroyer7676]

Yes thank you. I now understand and I am ashamed I was part of the problem, but I vow today to be that person to love more and be empathetic to all ❤

[@OurFreeSociety]

@@camilla757 - be careful when you give that advice. Many child protection services are evil and rape & abuse the child whether they purposely send the child to a foster home that's abusive or rapes, or they sell the child off. That's our reality, we live in a VERY evil world & the ONLY way to stop it is WITH US TOGETHER to fight the evils who control this world.

[@pizzaiq]

Well, maybe the kid really, badly, needs help. Maybe you can do something to help him.

[@puffygator9379]

As a young trans ftm, I have learned and listened to come to the realization that the only true self acceptance comes from within the self, I’m learning to love myself and my identity. However your story is truly amazing, I’m sorry for how our community treats detransitioners and you. The self is an ever growing and changing thing that should be celebrated, no matter what.

[@billy2896]

This is incredibly real

[@Reformed_Thinker]

mtf recently accepting myself, its hard to see these videos and not get scared for myself doing this and not think this might be me in the future and be like what if im making a mistake, but to see ur comment helps me see its less about the detransition or even transition part but more of self acceptance, God bless you :))

[@puffygator9379]

@ I’m happy to see your comment luv, never worry about making mistakes, just do your best to accept this journey and whatever grieves you. I’m happy to see a fellow trans Christian, I’ve just restarted my religious journey, and I still barely like organized religion but I’ve started to realize it’s less about what others think and more about what I view of god and gaining more of a community with ( hopefully ) like minded queers. God bless you

[@SpeechSensei]

So true. Life is about learning. Everyone’s path is different 🙏

[@sub0rLai]

​@@puffygator9379 You can't be trans and be Christian. If you truly believe in the Christian God, being trans is a sin, you will burn in hell, and you can not be forgiven until you _"repent, truly repent"_ and be forgiven by Jesus. (his words in the video) This is because being transgender is such an immense sin. All Christianity will do for you is bring you towards neoconservative Christian anti-trans rhetoric and make you feel depressed and hate being yourself. You are far better off getting in touch with your spirituality and connecting with "God" in an agnostic way without Christianity.

[@leedaluciano9806]

This might be the most honest thing anywhere on the internet. This is what true strength looks like.

[@CF-wp7xo]

Definitely, Sam unfortunately experienced a lot of betrayal..(including the superficially of the doctors). He finally rescued himself

[@donvmartinez]

@@CF-wp7xo I completely agree, the most honest thing on the internet. Thank you Sam surviving, for your beauty, for your beautiful masculinity. Absolutely stunned.

[@lolicongang.4974]

Hmm we been saying. Men are men and woman are woman. There is no changing it. Act how you want. Doesn't change much, the gays that you see "act" as the opposite sex means nothing. If gender is not connected to sex it has no meaning in reality. There is no book to bring a man or woman.

[@holymoly271]

Absolutely

[@erinsymone1645]

It takes real bravery to reach this level of self-introspection.

[@Call-Me-Sam]

I think it's a necessity for real healing.

[@marymiller9139]

Yes and forgiveness of self and others who have hurt you

[@rosekahika7636]

God loves you Sam

[@NonYa-l9t]

I want to be braver!

[@creynolds7681]

Totally. And to teach others, even better ❤️❤️❤️

[@theofs4456]

"I clothed myself in my mother." That's a deeply profound and revelatory statement.

[@joesmoe756]

Damn, yes.

[@ipt3000]

This really speaks to so much mysogeny in the world where men want to inhabit, control and sustain women for their own needs - and it’s all rooted in toxic and abusive masculinity that does not allow boys to become genuine men of god as intended.

[@kissme1518]

That might explain Ed Gein's case.

[@turolretar]

thankfully it’s also metaphorical

[@shadowmonk9672]

@@turolretar "it puts the lotion on its skin"

[@alexandras4651]

This is not a story about detransitioning, it is a story about being human, about opening the heart. Thank you, Sam, you are beautiful soul, a lover of truth. 🤗🙏🏼

[@happpypotter69]

Absolutely this ❤

[@theresawolfson6501]

Truly Being Natural Genetically made from the bio union of female & male ( Spectrum ).

[@stovespiegel]

​@@theresawolfson6501 Aight bruv, take off your glasses, stop taking any medication and stop eating any processed food if you truly care about that shit

[@maurakelley616]

AMEN

[@dreawmy2912]

But people will use this to hate trans people anyway.

[@oliviatrue2907]

This grandma wants to pull you in and give you the BIGGEST hug for all the suffering.

[@nicoleturczynski7730]

This mom does too 💕. I'm so sorry for all you experienced

[@Justagirlok101]

And this mum does too x

[@SunshineDawn7]

Me too! I am so sorry you had to go through all that and i am sending you virtual hugs and love 🤗🤗❤❤

[@jakethedog4397]

This grandma too.

[@jilltompkins2862]

I was wanting to give you a big hug as well. I too, was very badly abused in every way. I remember wanting to be a boy. I think God protected from being gay. I want attracted to women. Jesus revealed Himself and Hoods love for me at a young age and it has been a journey of healing and becoming the person Hee designed me to be. I pray that you will know Him to and the unconditional Love that He never tires of giving. Like you, loving myself is the hardest part and your words about representing ourselves were very good. ❤❤❤

[@farman96]

It just hit me that this is not a simple message of detransitioning but that of enlightenment. This is to the core of our being. Thank you

[@SamirCCat]

It's about sexism. How a man cannot get the healing and support he needs from society, so he has to pretend to be a woman to be held and comforted. As if men don't need that. As if all men are strong and aggressive and independant. Men also suffer abuse. Men also need psychiatric help and emotional support. Men also need to be crying on someone else's shoulder. It shouldn't make him any less of a man. You shouldn't have to pretend to be a woman to get the tender love and support that you need after an abusive childhood.

[@bestofbritain7666]

This is for everyone!

[@CoatsParis]

@@SamirCCat Beautifully expressed. Thank you for your openness. You're educating minds and opening hearts. : )

[@paintsilj]

​@@SamirCCat it's about far more than sexism

[@SamirCCat]

@@paintsilj Sure. Identity, trauma, self acceptance etc. But also sexism plays a part in it.

[@sharonleis1365]

I am a 72 year old grandma and I am sending you a giant hug. My adopted son was a badly abused as a child and he has a hard time trusting even after 40 years of love. ❤ Be healed Sam, you are precious in God's sight.

[@pattip1413]

You are a sweet sweet grandma and I’m glad you exist in the world.

[@andreavanda5402]

Yours is a very tragic and moving story Sam. You are very brave soul. I wish you a soft and gentle journey to wholeness. ❤

[@lisetteem588]

i have a cat called Precious who reacts to objrects being lifted or bottles with liquid, depsite living with me most of her life took her 7 yrs to trust meNice ogf you to send hugs. if we could be kinder. xxx.

[@dianametz6123]

Sam, you are a precious soul in God's eyes. Keep seeking Truth...God does hear and answer.

[@Bigbootiejudiee]

Thank God for Amazing people like you. Your son is lucky to have you and your grand babies are lucky to have you as a grandma!

[@CiCaruana]

Young trans woman here after getting curious about the experiences of detransitioners (not the path I see in my own future, but one I'm trying to better understand and educate myself on for compassion and solidarity's sake). Thank you for sharing your story and profound introspection, I'm so happy to hear you found and accepted yourself. Wishing you all the best living with authenticity.

[@thescaledraven5482]

I have no idea why you are in my feed, but I am grateful, this was terrifying and profoundly moving. This is beyond a TED TALK. Much love and tenderness to that boy in you that is now a man. It is a wonder that we survive our childhoods.

[@vancamerawoman7399]

❤

[@Onelightoftheworld]

Same! I feel enriched listening to the vulnerability. I’m thankful for this video.

[@JustSayin916]

Yes, terrifying and moving. And so very, very wise. Thank you, Sam..I send you tenderness.

[@-youtalkingtome]

“It’s a wonder we survive our childhoods.” That is such a profound statement.

[@BabaBlacksheep-y2t]

AGREE~ TED TALK!!!

[@BenAvodot]

Wow, I got so much from this video, which I wasn’t expecting, if I were to be honest. What I heard most is that we are all “detransitioning” on some level, from our own stories of unkindness that we tell ourselves about who we think we are. All that negative self talk which was instilled at a very early age, that brain washing. When you said, “Stop coping” “If you cannot give yourself kindness and tenderness, where else is going to come from.” That just slayed me. With the added admonishment of not seeking it in others, but then tempered with the warning that those who you keep close had better be the right people, the ones who see you. Thank you for that. You pierced my soul. So much wisdom, even if over such a difficult and wandering journey. I see that you are still in a process of transformation, as we all are, and you still have a ways to go. Somehow, I don’t think the work is finished just yet. You have reason for hope, and you have given me some as well. Thank you for sharing some of your time with us. I know that you don’t want to keep telling your story, as you say, but I’m very grateful that you did. There’s power in your story, so don’t discard it without understanding its value for the rest of us. I wish you Godspeed and many, many blessings. May your soul find comfort and healing. May your journey continue to be washed with kindness and tenderness. 😊

[@Call-Me-Sam]

You have provided the title for my next video, thank you and thank you for your lovely comment.

[@debrakrch-ur8wv]

You expressed my thoughts.

[@1phoenix346]

AMEN 🙏🏻

[@gigifreefreed501]

May God continue to bless you with all the tenderness, kindness and compassion. You are a child of the most high God. Sending you Love! YOU ARE SEEN! YOU ARE HEARD! YOU ARE RESILIENT! Dogs are God's gift as His ambassadors to love us unconditionally. ❤❤

[@atelesf0r]

So much food for thought in the video and in these comments, thank you everyone.

[@sammavitae114]

A boy tossed about by neglect and abuse grows into someone astoundingly beautiful as everyone here is witnessing and attesting to . Sam I have never seen someone so real and finally self accepting.

[@Call-Me-Sam]

Thank you

[@iwonaduma2948]

Amen! I feel exactly the same.

[@bestofbritain7666]

"Don´t be around people you think you deserve, be around people who see you" thank you from the bottom of my heart for that! Sending you the biggest hug possible, from a Mum.

[@soniarose1983]

What if nobody sees you. No matter how hard you try?

[@AvisAvis961]

I say this as one who's also not been seen. Begin really looking at others and seeing them as best you can. Take time to really WANT to see them. I stopped searching for others to see me, but instead began focusing on giving others the privilege of being seen. By doing this you stop TAKING from others and rather give them a gift of authenticity in another person...you. You become a person who loves and respects others rather than one desperately searching for affirmation and self fulfillment. Find your truth in this truth. The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. Psalms 23.

[@roweme]

As a therapist and a human, I am overcome with gratitude and respect for what you've shared, and how you've shared your experiences here. Your honesty, insights, and self-awareness are a rare and phenomenal gift to the world. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

[@midnull6009]

...I think it's safe to assume you are human. What a weird introduction...like you believe that you can be another species outside human.

[@violetmartha916]

​​@@midnull6009I believe you are interpreting that statement incorrectly. They mean human as in having the qualities of compassion and mercy. They are not referring to their species. 😂

[@midnull6009]

@@violetmartha916 that's called "humane" not human. Human is a subject...so

[@houseofiyamiaje]

@midnull6009 why are you SO Triggered by a lovely comment that isn't even addressed to you? You need to tend to some inner wounds my friend, do not overshadow others grace and compassion with your harsh judgements, go out lay on the grass, treat yourself to something nice, show yourself some love.

[@violetmartha916]

@@midnull6009 yes, "human" is a noun....but in the "therapy world" a person can also be described as having human qualities. I think you need some therapy.

[@Siriuslyyy]

My husband is a beautiful soul who was also neglected and not protected. I see the scars in him, the way violence and screaming in the home is so normal to him, the way he finds love and kindness unusual. . He has come a long long way, but i see his wounds. Lord give me the strength to help my darling man heal

[@jeanettenejadi1777]

look into "Bruno Groening".

[@LeiaShilobod]

My sweet sister, stay strong and with God. Remember only your husband can heal himself. ❤ It’s your support, understanding and kindness that is required. 🕊️

[@lilCaribbean77]

WOW!!! SO horrifically sad how many men marry without having dealt w/their childhood trauma and then bring those hurts & behaviors into their marriage and then dare to say "people run to divorce too quicky".😢🙏

[@wildreadmasibi3950]

❤ Amen. God bless you and the entire family.

[@jett888]

@@lilCaribbean77 probably the same amount of women who marry without having dealt with their childhood trauma.

[@katieh4491]

This is one of the most beautiful, authentic, vulnerable, shares I have ever been privileged to listen to. So much growth in this life time. What I see is a beautiful human being blooming in self-love, embracing self- truth. Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful. Thank you for sharing your journey.

[@Elizabeth-arb22]

What a kind comment, Katieh. I feel the same.

[@NonYa-l9t]

🦚

[@Onelightoftheworld]

❤❤❤

[@ppastrana1672]

The moment I saw this person my heart broke and I wanted to hold him. Please just feel the love and love yourself. It’s allowed. ❤️

[@karmacat68]

Thankyou Katie you really articulated my thoughts in to words so perfectly ❤

[@Mcgif21]

I have never seen someone be such an expert at psycho-analyzing themselves. I mean world class self-awareness here. I am sure after a lifetime of serious soul searching but wow hearing your words make me instantly hop in your shoes and empathize. God bless you, you are very wise and sober minded.

[@Nooticus]

I have been able to psycho-analyse myself just like this since I was 15/16 or so. It’s such an incomprehensibly painful thing to be able to constantly do.

[@tellyourWiFiloveher]

​@@Nooticus I hear you. Even more painful is to be able to do that but lack the capacity for change.

[@ocheltree1]

Bravo! I am not trans, I'm straight and recovering cptsd. Every word you spoke, Sam, was a gold nugget to me. Thank you so much for your eloquent, touching, intelligent address.

[@Call-Me-Sam]

Thank you, I'm glad this helped .

[@mac-ju5ot]

I also gave PTSD. It's difficult . I was anorexic in jr high.a lot of boys have it

[@NonYa-l9t]

@@mac-ju5ot 🫒

[@karenduey9675]

Same

[@ocheltree1]

@@mac-ju5ot , Mac, I'd be remiss if I didn't pass on that I am 61 and none of the traditional talk therapy & meds helped me. When I finally saw someone (3 yrs ago) who was an expert in ptsd, he used somatic experiencing on me and I did some eft on myself, did I begin to get better. I hope you're doing well. If not, consider finding someone who KNOWS about this. Also, a big help was listening to Gabor Mate' (Expert in ptsd and how our brains get high jacked) Best to you, friend.🙏

[@VioletJoy]

I wish millions of people could view this. THIS is what I desire for society - to understand the deeper meanings behind people's actions.

[@MelloD7172]

Wish granted!! 438 million views thus far!!❤

[@Jake-bt3fc]

@@MelloD7172 K means thousand, not million.

[@teriselang3882]

This is a person with tremendous courage who has suffered greatly. It's a miracle that Sam survived.

[@Poodzmadcrowd]

The sad thing is that you only hear from those that survive, those that don't have their voices silenced.

[@NonYa-l9t]

@@Poodzmadcrowd ☔

[@SussyBaka-dn4dz]

@@Poodzmadcrowd oh please the only people with their voices silenced are the only group with actual medical researchn backing their transition, meanwhile transvestites use that treatment then cry years later when they realise it was meant for a very specific group that they are not in. We got called gate keepers for it and shouted down. And now that those same people are all detransitoning we get shouted down for pointing this out when people try use it to stop genuine transsexuals from receiving treatment the ONLY proven treatment for us.

[@Hunt3rsDr3am]

This is so much more than de-transitioning. I hope this video reaches the people who need it. Thank you for sharing your experiance. Your bravery and strength are seen

[@mcoates111]

Sam, thank you. I am a 75 year old woman, not trans, who has fought the battle of being an invisible child all of my life. Almost everything you say is bang-on true for my life, too, and I could probably write a book in response to your talk. Thank you for your bravery and your honesty.❤

[@franciseire7338]

go for it and write it i d love to read it....the world needs your writing and testimony

[@susancooney7033]

Dear Sam, I am a 70 year old woman who has never experienced the suffering you have !! I want to tell you I LOVE YOU. If you where my Son I would be so proud of you for your courage. Compassion, & love. God bless you, & know he LOVES YOU!!❤❤❤

[@PerryEllis.365]

Yes! We love you Sam 💛💛 NEVER give up!

[@annacullen8064]

I love you, too, Sam!❤

[@mavourneenholden6165]

Amen!! Ditto!!

[@oppressednolonger1497]

its true Sam, your true Father (mother figure as well) is authentically in the Lord who will shower you with immense love and accteptance that you did not recieve, folks such as this commenter truly mean what they say. Seek Him, please do, and you will be set free of that burdensome shame -

[@maryb.9463]

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@sunshine-qk8qe]

Sam ....I have only a few words to say after your openess and honesty , you are a beautiful human being .

[@Call-Me-Sam]

Thank you

[@ActsChapter2BaptismSAVESyou]

🙏🏽🌱Thankyou for sharing a part of your story, with us, Sam. And absolutely, we are way more than a story, than our story. 🙏🏽 Even though my situation has nothing to do with the things you’ve mentioned, I had my own situations that I needed to overcome also and so I can relate to some of the depths you’ve experienced with the emotional and mental transition, of overcoming my own “ escapeism” I had used to cope with life before Jesus Christ drew me near to him to hear his gospel and start reading his word so he can begin conforming me to his image, and so I’ve been doing my own letting go of ways I lived or how I used to mold myself into things that no longer suit me. And I can relate to what you said, with age, I’m feeling more at peace than I ever have, thanks mostly to the Lord. .. & Lots & Lots of introspection..Hindsight is 20/20! I’ll be praying for you, Sam, for the lord Jesus Christ to continue to draw you near to him through his holy word. Sending you a big hug Sam. 🙏🏽💜 I’ ve got some videos uploaded to my channel made by my Christian brothers and sisters in Jesus Christ who minister God’s word really inspiration ally and powerfully, but truthfully. . . if you are interested. Not trying to make this about Me!…just trying to show you I relate and you are heard and I’m rooting & praying for your continued healing. 🙏🏽

[@dimarks444]

I’ve always hated having breasts. I wanted to be a boy. I never wanted a penis. I just hated the girlie things and dealing with breasts. They’re uncomfortable. I’m 60 now. Please take them away. Yes, dogs and true friends are all I want now. Sex-I don’t need that now either. I’m not seeking it from others. You’ve figured it out, honey. I was Abused also. Tenderness, kindness, compassion are all that matter. Nature and my dog keep me alive. I’m glad you have that too.

[@SoberDiogenes]

One of the most profound youtube videos that I have ever seen. What an autobiography. Ascension and peace through wisdom, clarity and experience. And loads of pain, of course. Thank you, Sam.

[@ktdaktari218]

Had this video played in a crowded movie theater, I believe everyone would have given it a tearful standing ovation. What an incredible video to oddly show up in my YT feed. I can't relate to any of Sam's life story, but the lesson is in the epiphany... an eventual conclusion many of us can relate to. And isn't it as sad as it is wild, that we slow our minds enough to ponder these insights in the latter years of our life journey? Sam, at 67 yrs old, I give you a tearful standing ovation, if only from my dim laptop glow while in my bathrobe at 2 am.

[@EmptyD0ll]

lots of people are missing the first part of your video in which you say "if youre trans im talking about me not you", i feel like this story can be listened to and validated regardless of who the listener is, a supporter or not of being trans, or if theyre trans themselves or not, everyones experience varies, and this needs to be known when one listens to your story, orherwise there could be a foolish unreasonable invalidation of it. thanks for sharing your story

[@ZijnShayatanica]

Everyone deserves to talk about their experiences & what they have learned. While trans people should hear a few detrans stories as we're discovering themselves, to better ground our decision-making process... There should be caution against using it as DIY conversion therapy, as it's a form of self-harm to suppress your true self. But ultimately, detrans content is meant to bring community to people who have gone through that journey to finding themselves - it's [usually] not someone on a pedestal to tell others not to transition.

[@EmptyD0ll]

@@ZijnShayatanica although im uncertain but it does seem like there is a group of detransitioners who ae actively against transitioning for everyone from the few videos ive seen, but i agree that everyone should voice their experience and 100% agree that people who are confused and/or are discovering themselves should listen to various stories for clearer perspectives, i can definetly vouch personally that theyre helpful in the journey of self discovery

[@marcelinepink]

I feel like only someone who watches this video understanding and supporting trans people would actually be able to react to it accordingly and sincerely. Besides that, it's true that this and other's experiences with detransition are completely valid and amazing to hear. I don't think it diminishes the trans experience at all, and most trans people would agree.

[@searchingstuff]

@@ZijnShayatanica Your true self is your sex. The question is whether or not you have an emotional desire to emulate the other sex so strongly, that you're willing to medicalize and be a discomfort to others in society. Emotional desires are not our true selves, they're just desires. This is not a judgement, its just the reality of the situation. Its dressed up too nicely sometimes in trying to avoid this reality, but that is the reality.

[@lovelover4408]

@@EmptyD0llI just don’t understand how you can listen to detrans people tell their stories, especially when they’ve been trans for so many years, and not question the entire idea. Bc don’t they always say trans people need surgery and hormones bc they know their true self, and nobody would ever transition for any other reason? But… if some people detransition and say they chose transition due to trauma… and they were just in denial… why are you so sure this will actually work for anybody in the long run? What are we doing? What are we letting doctors do to people? And for what?

[@janetbirky1626]

"Don't mistake what you lived with as a traumatized person for who you are."

[@lankyluke1637]

I find your voice and speaking pace so soothing. I hope you are as at peace as you sound, and thank you for sharing your story.

[@ravenodinson7483]

38 year old straight male here. I would call myself a man's man. Right wing conservative politically. You have shown me the meaning of strength. True strength. I am inspired by your raw, unabated and pure strength. Strength of character and wisdom to make anyone envious. If you do not see it, I am here to tell you that it is there. Your honesty, through KZbin no less, is astonishing. You have cut through every millimeter of your mistakes, your false perceptions, your justifications, your ego and discovered the truth of yourself in a way that I envy. Men live entire lives and do not come to the realizations you have come to. Some men experience far less trauma and pain and give up. But not you. And to do that, after ALL the terror and pain you endured.. to do that after 25 years of living in your comfort zone of of false safety.. just amazing on every conceivable level. You exude strength. When you talk to someone, you can pick up on these things. You have been tempered by the flame of battle and you have emerged strong, sharpened and ready. You have been tested and found worthy. Honor and virtue, are yours. You have mastered yourself. I only hope, that I can be as strong as you have clearly shown yourself to be. That I can walk through the fires that lay ahead and come out stronger than before, as you have done. I bow to you, in respect. I pray and I wish that you never err on your path forevermore. That you find true Peace, Forgiveness and Happiness for the rest of your days. A great reward awaits you in the afterlife, of that I am certain.

[@victoriagossani8523]

A wonderful comment addressed to a wonderful man. When somebody is able to see the magnificent soul of somebody else it's because he is also a magnificent soul🙏

[@melissaciswhoibe9183]

You are a wise and beautiful soul. I, like Victoria, love your comment, too. Your words brought me to tears after Sam brought me to tears. Tears of joy for both of you. I hope Sam reads your comment. Have a beautiful, blessed day, young man. 🙏

[@alejandromontalvo3423]

Stunning post, every word rings true and honorable.❤

[@lauren4434]

One of the most beautiful comments I have ever read on a KZbin video, very fitting for this man's testimony, Emmanuel, God with us, so evident in this man's truth, and in your comment.

[@ParkAveGirl]

Thank you for eloquently expressing everything that should be said. To Sam, you are CHERISHED, as you needed so much when you were an innocent little child.

[@modernrapunzel]

You were never delusional. You used whatever coping skills you could muster. I know you don’t think so, but you are the bravest of soldiers.

[@janetfitzgerald984]

I'm sorry. We're supposed to protect our children. My mother didn't protect me either. You're a beautiful soul. Never forget that.

[@kristinburton4953]

I had such a cruel mother that I was never able to describe just how bad she was, especially mentally. Mental abuse/bullying is hard to prove when it's done to you covertly. The vast things she said and did wont leave my mind, they haunt me hourly all of my life, I'm 58. I have severe depression, anxiety and random severe panic attacks.

[@Remetski2401]

Praying for you❤

[@clairevariandeacon6906]

​@kristinburton4953 I'm 58 too, grappling still with the long term sexual abuse that my mother knew about but turned a blind eye to . 🙏praying for you, all of us that have suffered at the hands of horrible parents.

[@AlisonMendez-bx8tp]

I can’t believe what some kids go through. Every child should be protected. As humans, that should be the one thing we can ALL rally together to do. No matter what areas we disagree in, we should all be in agreement to help the kids.

[@laniemason4812]

I think you are going to help a lot of people with your story. Not only those struggling with their own identity, but others to maybe be kinder and more understanding. You are an amazing individual.

[@paullooney]

This is one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard. I desperately wanted to be a girl when I was young, but since I'm almost to 70, transitioning was not in the general consciousness. Thank you for sharing your journey and for showing all of us that radical self-acceptance is what frees us to be authentic, to give and receive the love we all so desperately need. I love you for that, my brother. 0:02

[@cmccafferty8280]

This really hit me. I thought about it a lot. My whole life had been one train wreck after another. I was abused as a child. I deliberately sabotaged myself with bad people because I thought that’s what I deserved. Thank you, Sam.

[@lisasunshine773]

I so understand this cycle of self abuse which is really a trauma response. Prayers we both elevate out of these patterns.

[@CKLee-rs4kl]

We make choices based on what our experiences have been as children; they're not always the best choices for us but they're the choices that "feel right" -- it takes a lot of hard work and good guidance to re-align our realities.

[@Sage-Em]

I still keep sabotaging myself every day because isolation, pain and rejection became comforting and familiar.

[@Sage-Em]

@c.defago3001 Oh thank you so much. Is it the book about Complex PTSD?

[@Sage-Em]

@c.defago3001 Thank you so much! I'm really glad it helped you and I will order it as well 🩷

[@catballou5304]

I am a 68-year-old grandma, and I am sending you love and all the hugs and tenderness you did not get as a little boy. And I am sending love and hugs and respect to the man you are "standing" before all of us, sharing your story. You have moved me so tremendously that I am bursting with pride for you. And I am humbled. You are Sam. ♥

[@BRIGHTLUVLITE]

agree~~~~!!!!!!! ♥♥♥ WONDERFUL

[@katiamanfredi7465]

How I wish I could hold and love that little boy. You expressed my feelings perfectly in your beautiful comment of kindness.

[@BRIGHTLUVLITE]

@@katiamanfredi7465 it is never too late DO IT NOW!!! FOR HIM or yourself!! We are ALL wounded little chldren

[@dawna4185]

beautiful words for Sam!!❤

[@nereidahague]

Wow! That's all I can say. WOW! You are worthy. ❤

[@5ivesmixes]

I cannot begin to comprehend the courage this man has.

[@Condorcet2011]

You’re extremely eloquent And you’re explaining your journey with so much grace

[@jeremy1350]

Hello Sam, Greetings from Montreal. I am an older man now next month I will be 57. (And I am still alive) I grew up as you did. When my parents labelled me "the mistake" and shut my light off, I become invisible. We share many common threads. I've been living with AIDS alone for over 30 years now. I have been married for 19 of those years to my husband. I'm not "Seen" by many people. Your message is Profound. And I think, even if you are in transition, or, de-transitioning, whomever you are, your message should be required listening to. My gay life has been fraught with difficulty. but I am not my story. Anymore. Thank you for your honesty and care. I am touched by your message today. I am sending you all my love and hugs today.

[@dewilew2137]

❤❤❤

[@lindboknifeandtool]

I see you, and I hear you.

[@aswann2264]

I was also severely physically and sexually abused and defiled as a very young child to 16 year old. I’m almost 50 and struggling daily to even know who I am. I both empathise and understand aspects that you are mentioning here. I’m so sorry for your loss of yourself and your innocence. Your bravery and courage are truly the real man that you are. Thankyou for sharing your story.

[@dylantuna4746]

There are holotrophic breath work excercises you can find on youtube specific for releasing trauma, I would recommend doing a natural medicine called 5 meo dmt, but do your research first, it's intense and might not be for everybody. Best of luck

[@jeanettenejadi1777]

look into "Bruno Groening".

[@SunGazer-p6c]

Ask God to remove the energies and spiritually from the person that did that and the person that harmed them in Jesus Christs name.

[@SunGazer-p6c]

Ask God tomorrow that spirit energy over the family.

[@lorihamrick]

Sam, you are the bravest man. Hugs and radical acceptance to you for your HONESTY. All the best to you.

[@wes1070]

As an ftm person who does just enjoy hearing others perspectives and is comfortable with the possibility I may detransition one day, this video was a great watch. Your self introspection and personal thoughts were just…. Really got me thinking. The idea anyone would hate you for speaking your story just because they are still transitioning is bewildering to me. Thank you for sharing, will def be checking out more of your videos in the upcoming weeks

[@apebass2215]

What are you "transitioning" to? Changing your appearance doesn't change who you fundamentally are.

[@wes1070]

@@apebass2215 already transitioned to someone with virilised characteristics who lives socially as a man in day to day life/am perceived as male by people I meet. Yeah I’m still female and I can happily admit that but my goal was to combat dysphoria and I’m significantly happier now, regardless of if my genotype or internal organs have not changed 🤷

[@dorothypierre754]

I feel the same way, I'm transmasc and still hold space for detransitioning people. I try to avoid making egg jokes (oh this person is trans and hasn't "hatched" yet.) because I really value mine and other people's autonomy. Ultimately I respect that many people aren't trans and can still express themselves in a gender nonconforming way. Our lives and our bodies are our own journey, and I just want people to be happy living on their own terms :)

[@glitcharcing]

Agreed

[@erratictransparency]

I agree. I don't usually see other people comfortable with that possibility. xD At the end of the day I'm doing what I see as necessary to move forward, and I will continue to do that. That could lead to detransition one day, and that's fine. I doubt I'd regret the steps I took to get there. I think it's important for people to be able to find themselves, regardless of how.

[@nastiasolntse]

As a detransitioner myself, I had to learn some very valuable lessons but from the opposite direction. This is so beautiful and well spoken and I'm so glad that you have found more of your way and are feeling more whole and better. Thank you for sharing. Trauma and abuse are terrible things but you are so right that we are more than a story and more than the things that have happened to us. Much love!

[@sophiepooks2174]

Hope you don't mind but would like to know how do you feel about people who are happy they transitioned and wouldn't ever go back? not that people who de-transition "go back" to who they were before, but would you have preferred social and chemical/medical transition was illegal aka criminalized? So you had no choice but to conform to the stereotype gender roles and norms of the ruling patriarchies?

[@nastiasolntse]

@@sophiepooks2174 Personally, I support transgender people and I think they exist and I believe they deserve equal opportunities, respect, and care. I don't think transitioning is just something someone does out of trauma. I think that people should be more informed and careful about transitioning, but that's more to keep them safe no matter if they choose to continue or go back. I have some very important people in my life that are transgender and I would support them either way, but I cannot imagine ever forcing someone to stop their own freedom of expression. Even though my trauma influenced my reason to transition, I do not apply that to everyone. I just really want people to find happiness and comfort in ways that work for them. It's a complicated situation.

[@fallenpoet6051]

As a trans person, I appreciate your kind response and your support of the trans community. I wish you all the best in your healing journey. I hope you have a lovely day/night.

[@angelpie9530]

When we are given no guidance as children, we cope however we can. When we do not heal the wounded child, we cope however we can as an adult.

[@karimecolettadominguez]

Very very very very true

[@TheKaraqi4]

Absolutely, as long as we survive, it’s the right strategy to use over and over again. It gets ingrained deeply.

[@LethalOwl]

Still no clue how to heal that 'wounded child'. Feeling rather lost, even though my troubles pale in comparison to what Sam had to deal with.

[@TheKaraqi4]

@@LethalOwl it’s called “reparenting” in psychotherapy. you might benefit from help of someone who knows how to access and analyse your childhood with you. Our beliefs and behaviour tell a lot about our childhood. We have our parents/environment internalised as neural connections (memories, models, schemes) that makes us think, feel and do stuff as if it was “us” and the truth about us, meaning we are very consistent. Reparenting changes your internal parent (your self-talk) and eventually your beliefs. That leads to healing or at least to developing strategies to manage it well.

[@LethalOwl]

@@TheKaraqi4 I'll look into this, if I don't forget. Copied the information to help with not forgetting. Thanks for explaining and coming with all the information.

[@Vxruxxss]

Wow this is so profound. You are so brave for this. So raw and vulnerable. We need to show compassion for one another

[@Metaphoreign]

Spiritual maturity is so rare in this world, what a blessing that you have survived to share your wisdom.

[@HappyCat1111]

The wounded masculine can be a dark and terrifying place. But you can be an expression of the divine masculine, kind, loving, compassionate to self and others. You get to write the script and define masculinity on your terms and make it beautiful, powerful, and strong. You are a pillar of strength for so many who face complex childhood trauma. I am proud of you and I see the light within you. So deserving of love and acceptance. Thank you for being exactly as you are.

[@Call-Me-Sam]

True words . Thank you so much.

[@Beserious795]

How beautifully put, “the divine masculine.” Yes, so much this.

[@jesuschristlovesyoudearly3797]

Only Christ can bring true healing and true purpose to our existence. I pray that anyone reading this, would open their hearts to Jesus.

[@royab5770]

Beautifully said

[@jujemcgregor1734]

Beautifully said ❤

[@charleslee6324]

"I'm a man with a strange history that's informed me and educated me. That's what our story does." -- You're journey and story brought me to tears. While I do not share your story, the first 49 years of my life was wrought with abuse and misery. I went from a painful childhood straight into an abusive marriage. Now, I am finally whole. Thank you for sharing your life with the rest of us. It will bring courage and healing to the journey of many people!

[@kau9900]

Thank you for sharing this, I really appreciate it. It just came up at a time when I was feeling low, and listening to someone who has done a lot of introspection and is at peace with themselves, is inspiring.

[@Call-Me-Sam]

Im glad this helped. Be kind to yourself.

[@mooliparsnip9264]

I've been a KZbin user for many years, this is one of the most inspirational, open, honest, and profoundly real videos I've ever had the good fortune to come across. Bless you, and thank you, Sam. Sending you masses of love, light and peace.

[@sarahrose1665]

Holy Cow... How this got in my feed...I don't know...but this Sam has REALLY examined himself with a fine toothed comb...what work and consistent commitment it would take to go where this man has been to "heal" himself...THIS MAN 💥 SERIOUSLY 💥 WANTS TO BE FREE... This just proves the resilience of the human spirit...God have mercy on this man, meet him right where he is...thank you Jesus...Father be Glorified💕amen and amen.

[@janica.4688]

If someone understands why we do the things we do...GOD does. Im sure 1000% that God has mercy with us but other human's don't. People only jugde without knowing the whole story. That's my experience. God is more love and forgiveness than we think, especially if we were hurt, neglected and abused as children. God knows us better than we ourselves do.

[@yoursugarismine]

I like the ppl in this comment section omg…this video just brought out the compassion and kindness out of ppl that we should always have on a daily basis with everyone. It’s nice to see it here, just try to be like this more often and the world will be a better place

[@donnah.3779]

I think there’s a lot more kindness, compassionate and understanding in this world than we know. This is a small fraction of people that care about people. Always believe that. ❤️

[@OurFreeSociety]

@@donnah.3779 - yes, but the question is, are they kind in real life, not just in the comment section of evil YT? That's the test, not something you comment online.

[@ThrdWrldGrl]

@@OurFreeSociety Why do you say evil Utube?

[@16Vagabond]

people are only being kind because he detransitioned, if he didn't they'd still be calling him names

[@dragonfruit3054]

@@donnah.3779 hatred and confusion clouds the mind, and we get a lot less kindness as a result...

[@Kerivity]

I see you and feel you Sam. I am a retransitioner, I was horribly abused as a young adult. I see the same pain and regret detransitioners have in their transition as I did in my maleness and detransition. and I was abused again by people who told me detransitioning would help me. It is the right decision for some, but just another tool of abuse for others. I am glad to see the true you in your detransitioned self, as I do in my retransitioned self and I hope and pray for you to thrive in life.

[@susanvaughan4210]

Tremendous eloquence, self knowledge and resilience! All of your choices along your life path make total sense to me. You have SO much wisdom and heart to offer a wounded and confused world. Thank you.

[@Call-Me-Sam]

Thank you

[@NonYa-l9t]

I'm amazed by your profound experience as a boy. Growing up female, being continually molested, raped, and worse, I always had the perspective of how difficult it is to grow up female. But then I became a mother of two precious baby boys and really began to see how this world attack and tries to destroy boys. So, yeah. I really do see you, brother. Thank you so much. So much. God Bless you, Continually. May you keep drawing closer to Christ. Walk With God! I Love you

[@Call-Me-Sam]

Thank you

[@Ketowski]

Yes, sexual abuse isn’t just about sexual assault. It’s also how boys are too often encouraged to nail one another in their most vulnerable areas, both physically and emotionally. That’s where much of abusiveness starts. Grateful that some are beginning to recognize it.Finally!

[@waitwhat564]

I don't think it's contingent of gender. I grew up, the third female, last child . I was rejected at birth and was told at the age of six if I had of been a boy my father who actually said I wasn't his, would have stayed in the marriage. He left when I was three. The scapegoat abuse, from my mother and sisters was debilitating. Just being a girl was wrong. My mother was religious and also schizophrenic. She took out all he hatred on me. I hated being a girl. I was a tomboy and all I wanted was approval. At school I was bullied and isolated. I went to a girls school. I was carried into hospital at 14 dying of anorexia . I survived but of course it was all my fault and labled crazy. It flipped into bulimia, which I has chronically for 26 years. My self hatred was enormous. The neglect, abuse, psychological torment , sexually and emotionally was crippling. Of course alcohol, drugs, promiscuity etc , sabotage plagued me for years. By the Grace of God it was through my reading the Bible as a little girl, where I saw the hypocrisy. I rejected though my faith for a long time. I'm 62. If I did though have Jesus and my deep convictions which I turned back to I don't know where I'd be. I still struggle with my mental health sometimes but I know God is my refuge and strength and never leaves or forsakes us. His Love endures forever. I'm sorry what you went through. Just horrible. You are a testimony . God bless you sister! ❤️🙏

[@cartomancycarmen]

❣️

[@doellt4753]

Well done.

[@zolotaya.rybka.]

I stumbled across this video by chance and all I can say is that I'm mindblown. Everything you said is so profound and wise. I have never experienced such a grounded person in my life. You exude peace. I had to pause and write a few of your quotes in my notes app, because this was just so meaningful. Thank you for sharing this with us. This was such an uplifting end to a tricky day.

[@Sn0wShepherd]

That was the most beautifully profound thing I have heard on all of KZbin! God bless you!

[@bananapancakes311]

I’m a mother to a 2year old little boy and it broke me hearing about your childhood neglect 🥺 My son is my greatest joy and I just can’t imagine fully what you went through as it’s unimaginable .You are so loved. You are cherished. You are perfect! God Bless you Sam.

[@claudiamello7684]

I hear the sound of the river washing away the past. Beautifully and elequently spoken, Sam. Bless you, and thanks for your vulnerability with us. ❤

[@getreal87654]

I could cry. What an amazing person and his strength is unbelievable! I pray he finds peace.

[@AlexFrank02]

Thank you sharing your story Sam. The amount of introspection and maturity you have attained is truly admirable. ❤

[@tanana2070]

'No one noticed'...profound and so very sad for this little boy. Hug your little boys, mom and dad. See them and love them beyond imagination.

[@serenadevon]

I have no children but was blessed with a nephew I love beyond measure.❤

[@NonYa-l9t]

Agreed.

[@leeannjohnson1808]

Don't just love them; accept them for who they are, whether you agree with it or not.

[@Lisa-nr7er]

And if you see a child struggling who is not your own , make sure that are noticed. I guess this it what foster parents do. They must be angels. Sam needed an angel.

[@kentwood9821]

“Not isolation but solitude.” I’m 59 and yes, very well put.

[@LaGERISUNDERWOODBELL]

Your story is excruciating, heartbreaking, and heroic. And your eloquence as a storyteller is staggering, astounding, and dazzling--full of peace and pain and power and profundity! I am in awe. God bless you, and if He nudges you to write a book, go for it!!

[@st.josaphatopn2528]

Ooooohhh i would totally read a book!! Seriously, what the others said was true--you have a beautiful and powerful gift with words.

[@katharinemessenger1319]

This is profound wisdom wrenched from immense suffering. You must have found the people you really do deserve along the way to help you rise. Humbling to witness ❤

[@harlowmarie_333]

This is what a real spiritual awakening looks like.. You are truly doing the "Great Work" Sam... Ty.... ❤❤

[@nessiferum6200]

The sheer joy on your face when you talked about spending time with the dogs! They really are the most healing and special beings on this earth, I wouldn't be here without them 💗

[@dean7994]

What an incredibly difficult and powerful journey to Awakening. Your’e a shining example of how a soul’s virtues are forged in the fires of life. Sharing your wisdom helps others find their way Home.

[@angier6118]

I am rebuilding my life too. And I am also earning a modest income from dog walking. I feel like they walk me home everyday. It is sheer delight to me. God bless you, kind sir.

[@Jason-xb3jh]

Although different, my childhood was very similar to yours. 🥺 I can identify with (so clearly) what you went through. I am 52 years old. There was no internet or support groups., when we were kids. I was raised in rural Montana and felt that I was the only one in the World like me. Alone, isolated, terrified, profoundly sad and confused. That was my childhood. All I wanted was my mom and she was dead. I didn’t fit in with the “boys” and was an outsider with the girls. I am so, so sorry that you had a similar experience as a child. I’m sending you the biggest mental hug right now. 🥰 We made it. 🥹 We are alive.

[@OurFreeSociety]

If you want to heal by releasing your trauma, reach out to my alternative therapy page. There's many different choices.

[@44messengers]

I relate as well. Not one of the boys, not one of the girls. Isolation, terror, depression, profound loneliness. The past stories are losing their grip, but the grief is still lodged in my gut.

[@Jason-xb3jh]

@@44messengers To this day, walking in to a school can send me in to an anxiety attack. Or just being around a group of children. I had three sisters and a brother who were all popular. Cheerleaders and a star basketball player. Then there was me… getting whipped in to a corner with towels in the gym locker room. Kids can be especially cruel.

[@44messengers]

@@Jason-xb3jh Yes. Cruelty arises from pain, fear, and ignorance. But no one has been more cruel toward me than I have, because I was hurting and afraid and I didn’t see what I was doing…claiming the world’s ideas and needlessly making them my truth, imposing inferiority upon myself, terrorizing myself with the anticipation of rejection and punishment. And maintaining a lot of that into adulthood. It wasn’t my fault, but it’s my responsibility. I’m working with it. I’m tempted to say I’m sorry that we’ve suffered in this way. But I know that at least some of my suffering has since alchemized into gold. That’s clearly the case for Sam as well, and I bet it is for you too. So I won’t say I’m sorry we’ve suffered. And it’s probably dishonest to say I’m grateful for the suffering. But I will say that I honor our suffering, and I’m grateful for the gold it has become. I’m glad you’re here. People like us may or may not ever experience much belonging in this world. But even if we appear to be alone, at our cores we belong to each other and we belong to the Mother-Father who molded us from earth and ash knowing we would someday turn to gold.

[@rosannerossi6376]

@@Jason-xb3jhyes, kids are cruel. Everyone wants attention, negative attention is better than no attention in the eyes of a child. We were all teased for something. As an adult I see the need to tell everyone about Jesus. We are not god, we need God. Knowing we have a loving God that wants us to love Him back is the best comfort a person can have. And, yes, I said, “He” because He revealed Himself in His Word, the Bible. He died for our weaknesses and we should thank Him. Lord Jesus, I believe in You, help my unbelief. God bless you.

[@livzyful]

I’m a 77 yo woman who learned to nurture the child in me who suffered. I became my own friend. You are brave and you are here. Hugs.

[@burungpipitmakanpadi]

The child in me remembers the yearning to be seen and loved. The teenage girl in me who was traumatised and violated remembers the desperate need to disappear to remove self-disgust. The mother in me is reminded to hold my children with tenderness, to truly see and accept them for who they are. The adult in me anticipates getting older, wiser and more humble just like you. Sam, your story is full of universal lessons. Thank you for telling us your story. ❤️

[@mojo7493]

Beautifully said❤

[@rebeccablech1140]

You've moved me to tears. Thank you for encapsulating and expressing so succinctly and eloquently the essence of what I was feeling having watched Sam's extraordinary video, 'the mother in me' bit in particular!

[@burungpipitmakanpadi]

@@rebeccablech1140 I'm so glad it resonated! ❤️

[@nextlevelneighbors5393]

Your share is a gift to me and the world. I feel relief that you recorded a video that can continue to touch and educate people AND allows you to continue to heal and grow and leave this story to posterity. Thank you for your hard work of processing your trauma and finding the forgiveness to let the compassion grow and thrive❤

[@nor.4962]

To take away a child’s innocence is the most evil crime.

[@oppressednolonger1497]

agreed.

[@tnkwilli]

absolutely

[@ingela_injeela]

You're right. That's what God thinks too.

[@valeriaguerra1306]

Totally agree.

[@VaNatureLover]

AMEN!!!!!!!

[@jeannesullivan6154]

I was an abused child and I had to learn to parent that broken little girl because I was self destructive and self loathing but now in my 60s I feel like that child has mostly grown up and is at peace.

[@sallymander7863]

Good, take the happiness you deserve, bless you. 😊👍🏻

[@mojo7493]

I'm so glad you are on the other side of the trauma. I really think that's why the older years are referred to as the Golden years-we finally accept ourselves and can live in peace 😊❤

[@ChrisS22699]

Hey Sam, it’s 230 in the morning right now, I’m 29, and I’m going through the same thing right now, finding myself again, because of my trauma I tried to hide myself and become something else than who I was, the trauma destroyed me as a person as well, I went under the knife to remove every bit of evidence that that prior person existed, I tried to bury my pain and scars by being someone else I didn’t recognize when I looked in the mirror, only last January did I start realizing that that isn’t who I am, I’m a man, a grown man who’s been hiding for 11 years, I don’t want to hide anymore, it feels like a façade, so I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist and experimenting with psychedelics as treatment, to let me be myself, without an ego, to let go and love myself again, that’s my life goal, to just be happy, and live a fulfilling life, sure missing a few parts now.. but those parts didn’t make me who I was, neither do the ones I have now, it’s in my heart and soul that makes me, me.

[@ChrisS22699]

@@headupno9 I agree, Since I realized that about myself, I notice it a lot more in others and question everything, if someone has been hurt and is just trying to hide too.

[@psy-ryn]

I wish you the absolute best on your journey to recovering yourself.

[@DeeDeeInTN]

Amazing..

[@ChrisS22699]

@@psy-ryn Thank you for the support

[@ChrisS22699]

@@DeeDeeInTN Thanks for the support

[@terenoy]

I was enthralled throughout this video. I wasn’t expecting such openness, courage and deep understanding of the human soul. You are blessed to have come this far. Trust that the best is yet to come. Much love and blessings!❤

[@darlenehirschhorn3563]

You are remarkable. Thank you for sharing your journey from heartbreaking abuse and neglect to self-acceptance. There is something for everyone in your words. With love.

[@diapedesis1093]

Hey Sam, I’m a trans woman, I watched your whole video. Thanks for sharing. What stood out for me most was talking about trying to fix yourself. I relate very much to that. There’s a lot of shame and self hatred to replace with compassion and love. All our journeys are unique but I did find that the spirit of what you said spoke to me deeply. I am reminded that I need to mother myself, father myself, parent myself, with love, care, and compassion, and tell myself that there is nothing wrong with me. Because the truth is I deal with a constant loop of thinking that there is. I need to learn to love myself. I also think I appreciate your perspective because you aren’t indignant or struggling with acceptance of your circumstances. Some detrans perspectives are vengeful, and I always find it obscures the message. I think, that transition (whatever it entails) is sometimes necessary as part of that healing journey. I think there’s many other motives to transition, too, of course. It’s not my place to speak for what is a right or wrong reason to transition, because it is so deeply personal. I really appreciate what you’ve said in this video though. Also so peaceful in nature, I think I’m gunna get outside and go be still in the trees somewhere :)

[@AlisonMendez-bx8tp]

God loves you. God bless 💕 Your comment made me want to sit with the trees too :)

[@Lindasmusings]

Yes Sam….abuse leaves scars deep deep in our being….its the most cruel violation of one’s psyche and damages one for life. We survive but never really heal because for the rest of our lives….at times it resurfaces and you are taken back to that moment. I suffer severe depression at times….just a small trigger perhaps and I’m back at being the abused little girl. Yes…it did make us stronger, wiser,, more aware and empathetic. We celebrate the richness of our age and wisdom.

[@Call-Me-Sam]

Never healed but always healing ! Thank you Linda

[@NonYa-l9t]

I like the illustration of us being like trees struck by lightning: we are damaged but survivers, our branches still grow thick and strong but definitely in different direction than would have been sans trauma

[@LindaMohr-ic7hp]

You are Loved by the God of the Universe. I pray He bless and hug you with His Holy Spirit. Prayers for you. All the pain you have been through you did not deserve. May The Spirit of Truth guide you. Jesus Christ>Truth. Bless you dear brother. Let His Spirit Embrace you and ask Him to show you the Truth. We are all imperfect humans but through Jesus Christ and accepting Him as Savior, you will be set free and know Love that never dies. HE ❤S you. I speak from my own experience. 🙏s for you to discover Him who Is Love. He died for you. Blessings So sorry for all of your painful experiences😢 But days ahead will bring you His Peace and Love that will bring Healing. Many are asking Him to Bless you. My prayer is that you come to know Him and His Everlasting Love for you❤

[@jenifertruitt1979]

Sam, thank you for sharing your story. I am deeply moved by it, and can’t express my thoughts, other than to say I appreciate you and care very much about you and your struggle to find peace with yourself and the world.

[@monicawheatley1342]

You, Sam, are a very wise, brave, brilliant, and kind man. You are loved. You are seen. You are worthy. Please keep relying on God. I am sorry beyond words for the abuse and neglect you suffered. It is time now, as you say, to be here, to be yourself. God is using you to help people. Thank you for being His instrument.

[@Call-Me-Sam]

Thank you. Nothing I do, I do alone. I seek God every step of the way.

[@MAGAA2024_]

@@Call-Me-Sam satan begins very young trying to convince us that we are not worthy of anything good, let alone God's best for our lives, so glad you showed us all what a LIAR he is. Please read my comment above. God speed Sam!

[@samelis6546]

I'm only 26, but I relate so much to your story, Sam. I grew up in neglect because my parents were always away for work as we were poor, and they were quite cold as people, and I am very likely neuro divergent or has ADHD which makes me very difficult to understand even until now. I couldn't bear myself so badly at certain points that I couldn't touch myself to take off my clothes or take care of myself. I also felt out of sorts in my own skin for so long which possibly caused me to develop body dysmorphia and eating disorder early on. So, I've always felt like I was actually a boy because they had all the freedom and fun. Where I am, we're very conservative; girls have to sit still and straight and look pretty, have good manners, dress in very specific manner, know how to cook and clean and clean up boys' mess, listen to men's orders, victim blamed a lot, had no equal rights. It just was more advantageous to be a boy. And I was usually known as a cool type of person, somewhat mysterious and unfazed. So, a lot of girls and boys would roleplay or treat me like a boy. Some of my friends would act like I'm their boyfriend. By middle school, I thought I was lesbian, then by highschool I figured I was bi. Then by uni, I understood that I was trans FTM. It was a hard fact to accept as that was the hardest thing to even sort out especially in such a community. So, I finally accepted myself as a boy and stop dressing as a girl. Told my mother who was extremely disheartened and against it. Thus, I finally accepted myself as a boy in my head who was just dressing up as a girl to appease my mother. At some points, I met a guy who's a really sensitive soul, and he talked to me till I fully comprehend my situation. I felt at peace with myself even if I had to live in secret. That's when I found the courage to search it up and found studies saying that the brain and hormones are still unstable up until 25. Thus, if I'm thinking of doing drastic changes, I should wait till I'm at least 30. I also found a lot of studies on how trauma causes dissociation that can lead to trans shifts. Thus, I waited it out. And by 24 and after a lot of therapy, I started to shed all of my traumas. It's like a weight was lifted from my shoulders along with the heavy boy coat I had on. I felt empowered as a woman. I fit in with myself. I was centered, albeit still shaky. By 25, I was really stable especially with the help of that lovely soul (he's still my friend, btw. Shoutout to you Afi). I'm glad I waited until my cracks started to fill in, till silhouette forms right, till I'm done cooking, till I'm able to decide for myself, till I'm able to fight for myself, till I'm comfortable with my own skin. Love to you, Sam. Thank you for the video, it is eye-opening. I hope you're at peace with yourself forever. Tl;dr: to all of you, please wait till you're at least 25 or check if you have any traumas or PTSD before transitioning. Learn and allow yourself to love yourself before you try changing anything.

[@Call-Me-Sam]

Thank you and thank you for sharing your experience . You really have great insight and a good head on your shoulders . I wish you well.

[@isagoldfield7393]

🩵🧡♥️💜🤍

[@IloveJesus777j77]

​@@isagoldfield7393Romans 10:9-11 says, "If you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved".

[@heikestenger2307]

Thanks a lot for your commentary!!! God bless you - and also Sam 🙏🏻

[@mariahellas1280]

Thank you for sharing ❤ Thank you❤

[@trinarenae8625]

“You are not the darkness you endured. You are the light that refused to surrender.” John Mark Green ~ Thank you for shining your light! I believe God will redeem the years that were violently and brutally taken from you. Countless lives will now be transformed because you courageously tell your story and share your profound insights. God bless you Sam❣️

[@lorikremer2709]

Beautiful soul, completely secure in his own essence. "Be around people who see you"....We see you, we celebrate you, Sam.

[@animaanimus8011]

As a therapist, I agree with you. This is bravery. You’ve honored us. Edit: You we’re forgiven before you asked for it. He has a plan for us all.

[@fj-fe7lw]

Jung 🤍

[@jeanettetedesco6748]

So eloquently articulated with quiet dignity. Thank you.

[@brookescott9598]

As a cancer survivor, I have had double mastectomies with no way to have implants due to deep gouging during surgeries. I have been to several plastic surgeons who either refused to do reconstructions, as they would not match in any way or they discouraged me from trying. I also had a complete hysterectomy, 12 years later, because of endometrial cancer. Hormone therapy was not an option either as my first cancer was Triple Negative breast cancer. Then, along came colon cancer.five years after that. None of my four cancers were metastasis. Even without female parts, I have felt no less a woman. You have experienced terrible abuses. Sadly, you now understand and speak to the hearts of all of us who have been hit by heartbreaking circumstances.Thank- you, Sir! 💖💝💞As an aside, I too was abused as a child. My first cancerous tumor was exactly, EXACTLY, where the thumb of my step-father's hand began to violate me. Finally, 66 years later, I am finding myself. May God bless you. Always.

[@NonYa-l9t]

God Bless you

[@brookescott9598]

@@NonYa-l9t 💞

[@maggieb5326]

You are another brave soul!!!

[@Kat-I-am3333]

I had 5 family members violate me. It manifested as drug addiction. I quit heroin & started my spiritual journey in 1984.

[@NonYa-l9t]

@@Kat-I-am3333 😶‍🌫️💎

[@bthackeray9847]

You are a beautiful soul and you have touched mine. Thank you for sharing your story with such honesty and brave vulnerability.

[@youaregodspursuit-47]

I was reared in a family that was clinically dysfunctional. I am the oldest of eight. I will not describe what occurred. What is important for me is that I had to except that my reaction to that life was effected by the situation I was in and how I as a child tried to deal with it. Without knowing it I was trying to survive mentally. I have a photo of myself at the age of 17 and I look like I just left a death camp. I left home at 18 and spent the next 35 years fighting depression and all that goes with that; three marriages, many, many jobs, and no real direction in my life. At a point I realized I had chosen to let my parents keep me in their grip. Once I dropped that I found life manageable. The need to destroy my parents in my head went away. I attended ACOA meetings for years and remember (just like many others) that at first I knew that if I told how I felt I would start crying and never stop I had surpressed so much for so long and it made me feel safer that I had locked it away... I knew it would kill me/ I did cry and and I did not die and the tears did stop one day. How hard it was to understand that my "normal" was the chaos I lived as a child and that I actually worked to recreate that well in to my adulthood. They were victims too. I have learned to trust in God and His Son and to live with an intention to heal a little everyday. My faith holds me up. Thank you for sharing where you are in your journey. I am sure that it helps many. If I may, in the end we are in charge of how we react to anything. Nevertheless, trauma is trauma and everyone cannot find relief the same way. We do not know what went on in other peoples formative years and it is hard for some to believe that a human can have their person hood, their ego, destroyed by the age of 2-3; some of us never recover. I wish you well. Continue to nurture that precious and tender "inner child" because that is the real you. Others took that away from you just as did my parents. I have forgiven them. God Speed Sam!!

[@tanyawersinger2693]

The real key in healing is found,in forgiveness. God bless you.

[@katiewinn255]

God bless you Sam, you are so rich in wisdom and you have a beautiful soul.

[@LoriVFenske]

You showed up in my feed and I felt compelled to watch your video just seeing your face. It is one of the most profound and beautiful messages I have ever seen. It felt as if I was listening to you read a great piece of literature or a speech from a classic play. Your personal story broke my heart, then broke it wide open. I feel lucky to have listened. Your message is so universal. I’m playing it for my husband tonight because I feel it will help him. What a gift you are to this world. Sending you so much love and continued healing. ❤🙏🏽

[@JDsVarietyChannel]

Thank-you for sharing Sam. I learned some things from your story. Your raw honesty helped me put a few things into perspective in my mind regarding the vanity of life. How our search for validation manifests in reality, and how to monitor and remain keenly conscious of those futile defense mechanisms than can subtly creep in and keep us from embracing who God made us to be. It was beautiful to see you laughing and smiling at the end when talking about the dogs! It sounds like you certainly found the right profession at your current stage in life. I'm trying to find mine again. I encourage you to keep seeking God and reading the Word. The truth of God's Word and His promises have been my anchor throughout life. For those who are in Christ, one day soon He will wipe away the tears from our eyes forevermore. Every trace of PTSD gone for eternity! That is a day I long for deep in my soul to the point it sometimes physically hurts. My story is radically different than yours, though each person has things which are crushing to them. Oh, and if you struggle with the openness, just remember it's like a muscle, it gets easier the more you do it. I have always been abnormally open for a guy, causing me to come off as fragile in some ways. Openness does open you up to a lot of scrutiny, but being genuine is always better in the long run. You then stop running from yourself and trying to conform. Naturally, I also had to learn what things are best left unsaid, as oversharing can also be unwise. In my case, most of the people who have belittled me for my openness and soft side tend to be men who are terrified of vulnerability themselves. Once I realized that fallen human nature is to project onto others what you are dealing with yourself, it's doesn't bother me as much anymore. Take care! Your friend, Jonathan

[@jenniferevans2046]

As a woman I SO identified with him too. I am 78 years old now and its taken me years and years to overcome the abandonment and abuse of my childhood and beyond. I seemed to instinctively be drawn to the same old, same old rejection and abuse for years and years. Its only in the last three years that I have been brave enough and able enough to stand back and STOP re-visiting and re-enacting and inviting back my past. My past is NOT who I am. I love this guy, his testimony has helped me so much and my heart is full of love and complete acceptance of him, and of myself. Thank you for your testimony xxx

[@sallymander7863]

I hope you can find the true happiness you so deserve, like Sam. 👍🏻😊

[@ritamariekelley4077]

You did it Sam. You have overcome horrific trauma by doing what you had to do to survive. I identified with so much of your story. I never thought of transitioning to cope with massive trauma. How creative. We do what we can to survive. The first time you said the word, "tender," it made me weep. The only touch I got in my childhood from both parents were beatings. I don't remember tenderness, only bullying, disdain, disgust and derision. I'm just finding self-love and I'm 76. So glad you did it much earlier. I actually had no knowledge of the abuse until I was eulogizing my father at age 49. I'm saying the words, just as I'd been trained--to look perfect--and inside my psyche was churning. (They say you can't have more than one thought at a time.) I now know that I left my body to cope with the pain of the beatings. I'm grateful for that coping mechanism. As a teen, I discovered alcohol and from then, I buried my pain, not even knowing why I was drinking. You're a brilliant person, Sam. Life, in general, is difficult. I choose to make my religion one of helping each other through this life. What matters most, I believe, is a kind spirit. You're the Phoenix rising out of the ashes, emerging triumphant. (I lived in England for a time. Your favorite place is enchanting. I used to call the forest my "cathedral."💙

[@tnkwilli]

“Stop trying to fix yourself on the operating table.” Beautiful. I hope others who need to hear your words really listen to them.

[@sophiepooks2174]

Maybe if society was kinder and more accepting of those who can't fit the masculine stereotype gender roles and don't like the typical clothing people are peer pressured into wearing by society things would be different.

[@ScarsUnseen24]

...unless you really need surgery.