Why do AVOIDANT MEN cheat in relationships? The blunt answer, from a specialist

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[@AttachmentAdam]

The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available! If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love, and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/

[@nannyboo9832]

it’s really annoying bc I almost feel more distant from my DA the closer we got. he was much more warm when we were surface level. you really are in for a challenge with severe avoidants that need validation… it almost feels like a lose/lose

[@HappyBeeTV-BeeHappy]

How to love an avoidant man is at a distance. Love him as a human being in society, but leave it at that, bcuz he's unfit for anything closer. Nobody owes him anything. It's on him to overcome his avoidant state, and in the meantime, he should be avoided.

[@FakeCatEars]

The funny thing about attachment is healing it alone is not possible - that’s not how the nervous system works. We are literally energetic resonators meant to co-regulate. Isolating yourself to “work on yourself” is cope and often completely fails to accomplish anything but superficial change for this reason.

[@HappyBeeTV-BeeHappy]

@@FakeCatEars If that's true, then how will being with an avoidant man help? What can he possibly do besides trauma you?

[@CeciledeLuire]

@@FakeCatEars maybe you can't heal "alone", but you definitely can with no partner involved.

[@richerDiLefto]

@@FakeCatEars That may be true, but we can’t sacrifice someone’s well being for the well being of someone else. It’s not worth it.

[@hummingbirdholisticnyr1920]

Insecurity in themselves creates a need for validation. Ironically they crave intimacy and love sex and the fun quick fix of it but not the emotional availability of a relationship.

[@ivonesilva6084]

DA s have been like this since their early teens. They have always been in situationships with several people. Even in relationships they continue with their previous situationships and also searching for new people. It’s not cheating to them. In the begginning of the relationship there were no hard conversations. No transparency. They feel confortable with their lifestyle. When one has never tasted meat one doesn’t have memory of the taste. They don’t understand how much they have hurt someone. They shut down. They come first. When they feel hurt they isolate themselves in work and escape into dopamine hits. Behaviour is eveything.

[@wisewittyandpretty4210]

Too accurate 😮

[@snarfbomber298]

I don’t think ethical avoidants are like this though. Maybe early on

[@nannyboo9832]

this is so spot on. wow. my DA needs so much validation / dopamine and will do all the above.

[@IshtarBellydancer]

Well said.

[@linnie14]

EXACTLY. THANK YOU!

[@chefbperez]

My avoidant man is so avoidant I can't even tell if he cheats 🤷🏽‍♀️

[@dvegas]

In my experience with avoidant men (friends and partners), I noticed when they want that dopamine hit, they will start foreshadowing by bringing up other people. At first, it could be general, then they get more specific, and eventually their time goes elsewhere. And I'm the bad person because I'm putting up boundaries but the other person thinks they are great! Well that's because they don't know them yet 😂

[@FakeCatEars]

And what about you is drawing these sorts of people to you?

[@bobbylacy2374]

Yep! After 10 years together, my husband started taking calls at work, not home, from his ex-wife and the woman he had an affair with that broke up his marriage to her. Then, since he came home and told me, thought it was "no big deal!" and I should "get over it". This after he also told me the affair was "the best sex" he ever had and "she had these boobs!" with motions of hands to describe. In the 15 years since, he's still not seen the hurt he caused me or the error of taking the calls in the first place. Women play on a whole different field and those women thought it hilarious to hurt me when I didn't know either him or them at the time any of this was happening. I met him three years after his divorce. 😢

[@dvegas]

@FakeCatEars Probably because I see the good in people and have overlooked red flags. It's happened to me with friends and boyfriends. Once I confirm that's what's happening, I leave.

[@tamikagordon904]

It takes a spiritually sound person that can deal with “Avoident Attachment” people. No one talks about the damage they cause to the women in their relationships. No matter how kind you are they find a fault or flaw in any & everything that you do. You blame yourself for making them upset even when you’ve done nothing

[@AttachmentAdam]

It sounds like you've experienced the challenges of being in a relationship with someone who has avoidant attachment tendencies. Have you found any strategies for maintaining your own well-being while navigating these dynamics?

[@sandrasteding7293]

What if he just wants to feel good every day? Like is selfish or somewhat nrcassistic?

[@sandrasteding7293]

Howdo we give seratonin etc.

[@zebraskin]

​@@sandrasteding7293that's an unrealistic expectation. No one has 100% good days.

[@linnie14]

@@AttachmentAdam OMG. I feel sorry for your wife.

[@kitty2doggyMeow]

They are terrified of commitment.

[@cortneyozment7825]

I have been making mine have deeper conversations and he hates it and will pull away each time but he then comes back around and talks about what he didn’t want to

[@noirettebeauty]

Avoidants honestly sound like untrustable, selfish people

[@timothysturgess5985]

your right, they are. some are even worse. way worse. entitled, dismissive, controlling, the ones that do cheat look at people like objects to be used. The example A.L.S. gives about the husband on FB and the local singles links is pretty much a standard with avoidants, that and sever porn use. they are constantly daydreaming about someone new they see online, in porn, at the store, your friends, and what seems to be their favorite, an ex. they treat you like your annoying, that it's your fault they can't do or get what they want so they start to distance themselves.

[@abigailcosta1716]

Ouch 🤕💔

[@AttachmentAdam]

What makes them sounds like that to you?

[@ayorkii]

And this comment makes you sound unempathetic and discriminatory … but is it true?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Some of them truly are. Others are extremely ethical and would be deeply hurt to know they had wounded anybody else. It’s a wide spectrum of behaviors. Definitely beware the people who come on way too strong at the beginning and use manipulation tactics.

[@dvash6231]

These videos are the answer to my prayers.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm so glad to hear that the videos have been helpful for you! If you have any questions or need further support, feel free to reach out.

[@draina3583]

@@dvash6231 true

[@mystique6444]

I rarely see anyone mention the non verbal cues. The avoidant i love is very intelligent and well-spoken until it comes to emotion. The only way they can express genuine emotions is via their actions or love language (in this case it's doing things for you or gifts). If you love an avoidant and can recognize their love language then please let go of needing to hear it always in words. Yes, there are things that still need to be addressed for a relationship to work but i think avoidants are given a bad rap about showing their feelings when you just need to be able to speak (or understand) their language. Maybe that's not all types for sure , but at least some of them. There are many people who are non verbal yet they are loved and can give love in another expression. My avoidant watches for non verbal cues very very carefully so i need to make sure my body language equals my words or i use their love language to show them love. To me, this means they keep me aligned with my most authentic self.

[@BlueBlue23]

If that was it, none would have an issue. They hurt us because they ghost!

[@Flufero23]

This is so true. "Acts of service".... My FA told me he was available to take me anywhere I needed to go at anytime. We had several planned outings. (That was a couple of weeks before learning of his new love.)

[@EternalLove.1111]

I broke up 2 weeks ago with DA as we were in a situationship past 6 mths and he was going on a vacay and I asked if he was going to sleep w women...he said will see and he cannot promise me..Weve been on off 4 almost 2 yrs...i wrote him a long letter i thought he loved me and he hurt me and he has no self worth or no respect 4 women..no answer...hes coming back this week but he gave me silent treatment so its over..im not contacting him ever again

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm so sorry to hear about your difficult situation! If you need support or guidance, please don't hesitate to reach out to me at [e-mail]. You don't have to go through this alone.

[@sadiqua7]

I told mine he hurt me too, and he still hasn’t responded, this ish is unreal. It’s like they turn into a completely different person than the one that cuddled you, told you they had love for you, intimated what our kids would look like, said they would always want you in their life and no matter how mad you were with them, they still consider you “their people”. Yet the moment you tell them, hey, you hurt me, you cease to deserve any sort of respect.

[@sheliasmith2884]

​@sadiqua7 they are very narcissistic I'm done with these people

[@Jackmcars12]

Sounds like a narcissist

[@cjthefox]

Let’s give a big round of applause for SELF SABOTAGE!!! 🎉

[@itsmelanieking]

This is scary but in a good way. Thank God I am free of my ex da. This video explains so much of their behavior 😊

[@AttachmentAdam]

What specific behaviors are you thinking of? I’m curious what you’ve experienced.

[@nakitanash]

Thank you for doing this video for us AFTER a long day of work!!!

[@aquastone5870]

They're addicted to the honeymoon ohase

[@AttachmentAdam]

That's part of it, yes. Why do you think this phase is so addictive to them?

[@hspinnovators5516]

I read somewhere recently that DAs test their loving partners by cheating to create that emotional volatility to see if they can provoke them to pass the test....is that a conscious thing they are doing?

[@sheliasmith2884]

Yes the one I was with said he test see I don't have time for that crap

[@user-qmx1j1pa8k]

I eventually had to leave bc I can’t let my future kids go through this. If it’s just me, that’s ok. But it’s my responsibility to pick the right father for my kids.

[@AttachmentAdam]

That's an interesting way to look at it. I noticed you said 'future' kids, and I appreciate the way you have long-term goals and vision. What helped you reach this decision?

[@user-qmx1j1pa8k]

@@AttachmentAdam I saw a tiktok where the creator shared how much it hurt her to experience her father cheating. The comments under that tiktok were full of ppl explaining how much it permanently damaged them. I can’t let my kids go through that.

[@sheliasmith2884]

Right because the DA I was with all his kids hate him

[@kitty2doggyMeow]

I sat down and had a conversation with an "avoidant attachment" man and I was told, by him, pretty much what you just said. "It's just fun, this person I was with, I was with because I had fun (dopamine), but it wasn't serous."

[@gmiller8167]

The neurobiological information is a contributing factor, certainly. However, they are avoidant from their unhealthy conditioning and modeling in childhood, which creates core wounds, and subconscious unhealthy coping mechanisms (protection mechanisms for extreme emotional neglect and/or abuse), which they take into adulthood. In order to become securely attached one MUST reprogram subconscious core wounds (reparenting and exposure therapy). Just understanding why you are avoidant without doing the subconscious reprogramming will not be effective. The subconscious is responsible for 95-97% of all decisions we make, and the conscious brain is responsible for only 3-5% of all decision making.

[@Flufero23]

My FA ex pulled away after expressing deep feelings for me. He did the slow fade, and eventually monkey branched after three years of a mostly good relationship/situationship of four years. He tried to minimize the relationship and offered friendship. I said "no" and let him go without a tear. NC forever for me. The new situation was aided by her family. The new love is likely a victim of narcissistic abuse. My ex wanted to "see where it goes". I am 70% secure and 30% FA. I have no problem with intimacy or commitment. I do tend to be independent with a life of my own. I, too, like my space. It has taken nine month for me to heal completely. I have moved on, but still learn a lot from these videos.

[@Flufero23]

In addition, I think you are right in that capacity. Nothing my ex was saying made sense in his description of the new situation. I thought he was lying. Then I realized he was telling the truth. He seemed almost giddy talking about the new situation, like a kid with a new toy. I couldn't believe he would offer friendship like nothing happened. I just let him go, asked him to return my things at his house, unfriended on social media, put away photos, gifts, threw away s**t. NC forever..I felt betrayed and disrespected. On listening to you, it finally makes sense. SMDH. He texts occasionally about nothing really. I am done. Never again.

[@MayBlake_Channel]

I think I'm a combination of avoidant and securely attached. I do feel real comnection to my husband that's deeper than oxytocin; but I still find myself looking at other men just because I like the idea of starting a new relationship. I plan on being faithful to my husband and staying commited to him but the way you described looking for the dopamine hit, I felt was spot on! I'm feeling called out 😂 I don’t look at and interact woth attractive men because I want to cheat, I do it because the chemistry of getting close to a "shiny new boy" is addictive

[@abigailcosta1716]

Same 💔. I don't particularly look at anyone, I just feel like I need someone "new" to feel ANYTHING at all again. Cause I just feel numb, like I'm married to my brother

[@MayBlake_Channel]

@@abigailcosta1716 Awe, that's sad to hear. Do you think it can be healed? How long have you been learning about this stuff online and/or watching Adam's videos? And are you finding them useful?

[@abigailcosta1716]

@@MayBlake_Channel I'm finding them super useful and have been watching this with my husband. We both LOVE Adam, he's a genius, and his perspective of Healthy Masculinity has been something I've been talking about for ages, and I had never found anyone that shared the same perspective. I believe anything can be healed... As a FA, it's hard, possibly harder than what I expected, but especially in my case it's a MARRIAGE, so there's furniture, a house and a true friendship involved that I want to salvage. What about you? Do you think you can do it? (If we keep talking, it will help Adam's algorithm, so I'm all for it, 😂 loool)

[@AnonPrinceton701]

I would greatly appreciate filming without a moving fan in the background, as this can trigger vertigo attacks in people like me. Thanks so much!

[@nikolibarastov4487]

I will also say this would probably make sense why as an avoidantly attached person when my ex cheated on me it didn't hurt nearly as bad as she thought it would hurt me. Because I wasn't deeply bonded to her.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Before she cheated, did you fully trust her or were was infidelity a possibility in the back of your mind?

[@nikolibarastov4487]

@@AttachmentAdam That is an excellent question, and I think on some level I knew the cheating was a possibility. And, I was willing to forgive her and work on it, but she told me something I am now finally understanding, that I didn't spend enough time with her, and she didn't feel connected to me. There were issues of her own, which I hope she got help for, but yeah I think that combination of subconsciously expecting the worst, and being unconnected was what culminated in my reaction. Thank you ver much for responding.

[@rosaiaruberto6588]

Very helpful

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad to hear that!

[@user-rv7gd4fo6j]

Apart from the reasons cheaters like to have sex with other people against the agreements they had with their partner, it's important to stress that the main reason why cheaters are not faithful, is that they don't care about the effect the cheating has on their partner. Otherwise they would not cheat. It's important to stress this basic common sense, instead of excusing cheaters for their hurtful behaviour, when the cheater makes it seem that it's because of other reasons (for example that its because of their sad past or because of the annoying behaviour of their partner or because they don't get enough dopamine or so).

[@AttachmentAdam]

What makes you think they don't?

[@Pptsonyt8553]

DA gf cheated on me with a guy at a club while being abroad for a few months, she's not even the type to go to clubs. She felt bad and told me about it. I guess she tried to justify it by proposing to become an "open relationship". She keeps going abroad and traveling alone, loves to befriend these random ass people but never really become close, probably for the endless dopamine hit. Just work on yourself damn... She has a lot of "boy friends", "I get along with guys better", like jesus, your're just a timebomb for cheating. And of course she does the, it's not you it's me. I'm the weird one etc. How is that not selfish. 🤷

[@CeciledeLuire]

you still with her after she cheated on you ??

[@Pptsonyt8553]

@@CeciledeLuire I was still with her after she cheated, but didn't quite forgive her. I was in a position where I was just trying to understand. We were together for another 4 months, then she broke off without saying much, like a typical DA. Still love her, but currently in no contact, but open to other people cause damn, it's really her own problem and traumas that make her a mess...?

[@CeciledeLuire]

@@Pptsonyt8553 it's totally understandable to still stay, really not good though in my opinion. people *must* get consequences for their actions, otherwise they lose all respect (and leave anyway). so yes never go back. if at all, she would have had to fight hard (months) in order to get you back after she cheated on you. we all need to have far more self-respect and walk away from people that treat us poorly.

[@brandnews6314]

was married to him for 32 yrs he up and left said we can be friends but his behavior is in a push pull stage

[@rosaiaruberto6588]

Behavior is a language

[@AttachmentAdam]

Absolutely!

[@eileendom5858]

Me ex Avoidant told me he didn’t like you he was becoming and didn’t want to change who he is when we broke up. Why do some Avoidants want to avoid changing who they are? I felt he was cheating and was replacing me with the next female, but I couldn’t really prove it. I left so he can be at peace either way. He clearly wasn’t at peace with me. But if an avoidant wants to remain an avoidant, why?

[@la6698]

I'm in a relationship with the same dynamic

[@LadySmilesALot_WhyNot]

...because it WORKS (for them)... As Adam said so many times, DAs (all forms of avoidants, in my opinion) attach to (and take good care of, sadly) objects, not humans... Unfortunately, they live in a constant state of FOMO, and many times, any "new, shiny toy - might be new gal or new guy" catches their eyes and they start "drooling" under your very eyes 👀... Sad and disgusting, sorry to say. It leaves us feeling we're never good enough, that we can never "win" with them, they always seem to want "something else"... 😒 Yeap... I even got to the point I became envious of our dog (his dog, now) ... And I'm 70% secure, 15% AP, 15% DA, by the way, according to the test developed by Thais Gibson and team... NO comment... Thank you, Adam, for your genuine efforts to build a better world, for both men, and women! 🌎❤️🌎

[@jimgoplayoutsideable]

Changing avoidant behavior, the mind says I AM GOING TO DIE, and, yeah, someone gots to be really motivated to get through that. Really REALLY motivated. Because it really feels like your gonna die/get punched in the back of the head/stabbed in the back/get your heart ripped out/get abandoned forever... Etc. Adam is pretty good at making it seem worthwhile to at least try, don't you think?

[@richerDiLefto]

Why would **anyone** want to change who they are?

[@eileendom5858]

@@richerDiLefto I would imagine people would want to be securely attached when they are not as part of healing trauma. That was my guess as I learned about the Avoidant.

[@Pheonix1111]

I am disorganized fearful avoidant, and I would never cheat. I ghost people, since I am predominantly avoidant, but I never cheat. I am extremely moral regardless of how much I am starving for oxytocin, etc. I understand how painful it is when someone else hurts me, so I do not want to hurt others in that same manner. I also believe in karma. So, I would never want another person to hurt me in return for that reason also. I think it depends upon a person’s character/morals/ethics.

[@sadiqua7]

But why ghost? That is so hurtful and triggers abandonment wounds, and messes with people’s sense of self worth. It’s immature and cowardly. Being accountable is kind.

[@Pheonix1111]

⁠​⁠​⁠​⁠​⁠​⁠​⁠​⁠@@sadiqua7 I ghost people who disrespect me, who dishonour me, who abuse me, who cheat, lie, or are generally untrustworthy, who are unfair or unjust, who are toxic, etc. I ghost people who intentionally hurt me and who violate my clearly stated boundaries and values. Ghosting may be “cowardly”, but I must protect my safety first. I provide people with my requirements and convey my boundaries up front, but if they still intentionally choose to hurt me, I will ghost them. If they are capable of hearing the truth from me, I will tell them I no longer want to communicate with them. If they are too toxic, I ghost them. My safety comes first.

[@tammyhilts610]

For feeling something bc there is a void, an emptiness. They are devoid of feeling emotions, so in order to boost there pintocin, endorphins, the body's feel good chemicals, they do something exciting and risque

[@UnacceptableTee]

Adam; I know you tend to inform based on a avoidant attachment style that’s not so much on the extreme side of avoidant attachment style. I was wondering if you have a vid on those diagnosed with an extreme avoidant attachment style ( leaning FA). Would help a lot. 🙏🏻 I really value your content. 🙏🏻

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for that, I appreciate you and your feedback. I encourage you to stay tuned for an upcoming course specifically on avoidant attachment or check my blog on my website, and if you'd like us to chat privately and in more depth about FA, feel free to send me an email at [e-mail] - Happy to help!

[@francleighscarlett]

Funny thing. Anyone who ever cheated on me, imho, leaned more towards the anxious side. I include myself in that statement, from my twenties, I didn't physically cheat, but I always had the next supply of new energy lined up in my mind. That pull for constant validation and affection causes one to seek it out across friends, family and partners, and when people grow weary of that bottomless bucket, you find someone new to fill it. Most avoidants I know are workaholics, so for them I get the impression more like having a relationship with a person distracts them from thier love of the grind

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for sharing. Interesting observation! What strategies do you think could help individuals maintain a healthy balance between seeking validation and fostering independence in relationships?

[@francleighscarlett]

@AttachmentAdam honest self reflection for one. I think that's the hardest part is to look at your patterns and be very no nonsense about it. Yes there can be things from your past that made you insecure or isolated, but you cant keep falling back on that as an excuse. There has to be a point (any attachment style applies here) where a repeated failure of relationships says a lot more about you as an individual than it does a collective of people you've dated. And once you accept that, then you're on your journey towards improving. It's easy to stay the same. You just surround yourself with people who'll agree with you (yes so and so was a jerk, yes you deserve this or that and dint accept anything different). I have a much longer story how it took losing my best friend of 20 years to wake me up to the ways that I kept sabotaging myself and let other people clean up my mess emotionally. I'll write about it sometime but it's too long for a YT comment.

[@cougmom9317]

Work can also be a good source of new supply. Depending on their job.

[@seeratkk7231]

Hi Adam Can u make a detailed vdeo on Avoidants , Narcssist and ADHD Overlapping traits Thanks

[@amygriffith5817]

For self validation

[@DoubleOhSilver]

2/3rds is wild. Modern marriage is a dead mockery of what it's meant to be. Makes me feel better about not having had many relationships.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's understandable to feel disheartened by the current state of modern relationships and marriage. What qualities do you think are essential for creating a lasting and fulfilling relationship?

[@leelu2274]

I have been in a 10 year relationship with an avoidant. His childhood was rough and it makes sense that he is the way he is. I have made many mistakes in our relationship that I see have damaged the trust he has in me. I think both of us have learned many things about each other and are better equipped to build a good relationship. The problem is that he cheated on me many times and refuses to admit it. He was cheated on before i met him and he harshly judges cheating, so cannot admit to me that he did it because that would make him a bad person. Is it wrong for me to say that i cannot go forward and we cannot heal or build trust, if i am not even allowed to forgive him because he will not admit to what hes done? Is there a way to make him understand this? All he seems to experience is that Im saying Im abandoning him, Im the one who wont see hes changed and just move on. He wants to start over and wants to forget the past.

[@sadiqua7]

My ex also condemned cheating but then confessed he had been cheating on the women he dated before me and felt bad about it, also told me he left her for me (7 months into dating) I don’t know if he cheated on me, but probably did if not physically then probably emotionally

[@cougmom9317]

Great video. Is this also why this type of attachment style also tends to overlap with traits of narcissism?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Great question. What do you think causes an overlap? And have you met many avoidants who are also narcissistic?

[@cougmom9317]

@@AttachmentAdam I was hoping you would know. :) I have dated a few and currently married to a DA. Dr. Angela Shiels has a chart that the DA subtype of Trainer or Dictator is where she sees the more prevalent overlap into narcissism. I’m guessing that personality plays a part. I’d love to take your couples course with my spouse before I throw in the towel. On a side note, I’d also be interested in seeing a video from you about Dr. Huberman.

[@cortneyozment7825]

I feel like I’m an anxious attached person but I also have had the dopamine seeking issues. Is this something you see??

[@osteopathie-denisehendrick2845]

Can you explore about DA style and midlife crisis🙏

[@shannoncoley]

First time viewer Yes yes on point just found our I'm fearful avoidant and partner distant avoidant And i don't "cheat per se, he shut down withholds sex, so I break up and then I go mess around I had the same type of husband And I did have to cheat But for 12 years with the proper relationships . COMMUNICATION as a intimacy safety Never one thought of it I'm learning what triggered and I love it I'm also learning about myself Absolutely means nothing when you cheat .It doesn't mean anything for this Fearful Avoidant I had jokingly referred to it as sport fucking Someone wants to talk to me And then they adore me and want me I don't stay I could go right home in love on my man

[@asperography]

Hello, I've got a question, or rather a topic I'd like you to discuss; what's the difference between breadcrumbing and avoidant attachment style? Are those different behaviors, is breadcrumbing a symptom? Where does this tendency come from and is there any way to treat this? Thank you! There's no way for me to describe how thankful I am for the knowledge you're sharing. Cheers :)

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'd love to discuss this in detail with you and provide you with resources. Feel free to send me an email at [e-mail] where we can talk privately and in more depth.

[@gayleneflower398]

Another question, After a man has sex, Oxytocin is released in the body. Oxytocin is called the “love hormone” which builds trust and closeness between them. If so, then when they cheat, don't they build trust and closeness with their new partner?

[@IshtarBellydancer]

Exactly! This is how sex addiction comes about because so many years building connections with cheating habits along with endless lust becomes habit compulsion even when they hate it later … the fantasy in orgasm also bonds to porn images not real people… At this stage sex addiction is a specialist area addressed first by the 12 step program because these people get worse and worse as the years go by and orgasm binding chemicals to the fantasy sex and novelty with intensity not intimacy. it’s so sad that some degrade into dysfunctional criminal activities … CSAT therapist are the best for these types of cheating and sexual dysfunction.

[@alexryan43244]

Oxytocin released in very very small amount. Not in heavy amount

[@ivonesilva6084]

There is basically no aftercare. It is released cuddling afterwards. They send you off or they leave in a rush. Workaholics.

[@richerDiLefto]

During sex, oxytocin is only released in significant amounts in *women’s* bodies. When men do the deed, they release much less, and it’s to trigger ejaculation. Men, on average, don’t bond through sex like women do, and often not at all-especially if there was never a preestablished emotional connection to begin with. Moreover, *avoidant* men are even less able to connect than average men because their oxytocin receptors are actually blocked. Intimacy is all about dopamine hits for them, not love.

[@alexryan43244]

@@richerDiLefto thanks

[@LARealEstateChannel]

ty

[@AttachmentAdam]

You're welcome. If you have any questions please feel free to reach out!

[@Yetihawk]

This pertains to avoidant women as well. I THINK, I don’t KNOW, I think that as women we are more prone to finding workarounds to make it “ok”, such as proposing open or non monogamous relationships or micro-cheating vs hiding it.

[@jennavevestclaire]

I am so grateful for this video. I have been with someone who flirts incessantly with other women, especially online. He keeps telling me he doesn't see anything with us long term, but so far we've been "together" for 3.5 years. What makes me curious is why does he bother keeping me around as his "main girl" if he could have the alternative and just be free to do whatever he wants? He is a chronic cheater. Has been in every relationship he's been in. So, what pay off does he get by stringing me along? Am I just a convenient supply of dopamine hits for him?

[@AttachmentAdam]

There can be various reasons for chronic cheating, like unresolved emotional issues, commitment problems, or a desire for validation. I encourage you to reach out to me directly at [e-mail]. We can discuss this private, delve deeper into your unique experience, and develop tailored strategies to navigate this situation.

[@bumblebee2227]

How does this apply to an avoidant who had an emotional affair and said he was in love with the woman after two months of sex and constant communication? Took him another 3 months of just contact and no sex with her because she moved, just to stop it. At that time i moved with our kids across country. She ended it at that moment because he still would not choose her even after i left.

[@kitty2doggyMeow]

Then this highlights a lack of clarity if they really believe that they are sacrificing their "happiness" for someone only to go back out and cheat again.

[@Daisylove6387]

Hi Adam I’m new to the attachment styles. I have found out I’m a secure and my husband of 29yrs who I have been separated from for a long while is disorganized fearful avoidant. Is there a correlation with video game addiction? I’m learning about this but honestly I don’t think the relationship is salvageable now. He doesn’t care to learn or change anything. The cheating and abuse has him completely stuck in the shame game that he says he will never get out from. He says he just exists. He works, eats, and plays video games that’s it and on occasion sees a prostitute. I don’t think he wants out of this way of life and I can’t really help that if he doesn’t care to do anything about it. but wondering if gaming plays into this attachment style? I’m guessing it’s the dopamine hit? Is gaming like cheating common for avoidants? This is such a sad way to live. Thank you for helping those who do want better.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hi Daisy, I’m really glad to connect with you here. This sounds like a painful situation and I’d love to provide some answers. First, yes, all of this can be correlated with severe attachment issues. I have some additional information that may help and I’d like to assist you in anyway that I can. Could you please email me at [e-mail] so I can help you find clarity in this situation?

[@susi9242]

My avoidant ex is cheating with me, since he married someone else when I was having our child.

[@19katsandcounting]

She asked for it.

[@ItsAngieFly]

What makes Avoidants love one person if they constantly seek out others?

[@rosaiaruberto6588]

Interesting

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad you think so! What particular aspect did you find most interesting?

[@kitty2doggyMeow]

Well this cheating / temptation that they are drawn to can be a manipulation that other women play off of because they know this man is drawn to or recognizes that feeling as "good."

[@Jackmcars12]

They need to go to counseling, from whatever trauma they had & stop ruining lives. I hate them.

[@AttachmentAdam]

these traumas are always the source for everything. I could definitely tell you that!.

[@Jackmcars12]

@@AttachmentAdam I dated a Covert Malignant Narcissist most self centered, arrogant person I ever met.

[@annasaul3319]

My avoidant Ex cheated on me, 3 months post partum with our daughter, and it really really hurt then fot angry that i didnt turst him, and trust wasn't coming fast enough, i don't feel connected wth by him most of the time i dont feel like he even likes me, or wants anything to do with me it hurts, it's really confusing, my ex cheated twice emotionally and texting someone, I feel so abandoned and neglected, and ut just feels like he keeps pushing me away and every time we get close he sabotages it, if i communicate my feelings he starts a fight or blames me, we would have been together 4 years we took another break because thsi push pull confusing cycle was really really hurting me, and I just want him to he happy and be better I know it's hard, but I know he's so capable, It makes me feel so sad for him...

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through. Being cheated on, especially so soon after childbirth, is a devastating betrayal. It's completely understandable that you're feeling hurt, angry, confused, and abandoned.

[@JesuisLord]

How do I become the cheeseburger 😂😭

[@oambitiousone7100]

Is the same for avoidant women? Starved for connection so dopamine has to suffice?

[@spvcecxwbxy]

yes

[@AttachmentAdam]

Yes, it can be the same. I encourage you to watch my video specifically on avoidant women as well to gain a better understanding and let me know what you think of it afterwards.

[@abigailcosta1716]

Yes. I've committed to marriage for religious reasons and I'm starving for dopamine because my husband doesn't feel "enough" anymore. I feel starved, and that the time for passion with this man is just ... over. Even though he'll move heaven and earth for me 😭😭😭😭 currently trying to find out how to fix it

[@ewright1698]

Ive heard this exactly from him @6:30 , 11:43 , 24:10

[@Melody9616]

I guess Avoidant attached people are the most moral. Because they don't feel "bound" to their partner and "feel" the consequences, but still don't cheat or still stay, even when starving.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Interesting perspective! What do you think contributes to the sense of commitment and loyalty among avoidant attached individuals despite their inclination towards independence?

[@abigailcosta1716]

This is me. Avoidant. Tempted and self policing in Starvation 🤦😂

[@annasaul3319]

I want to send this to him but he sent it to me, so who knows 🤦🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️

[@AttachmentAdam]

What do you think he wanted to tell you?

[@Sketch1994]

All I see is avoidant men this and avoidant men that but what about avoidant women? I was fearful avoidant due to childhood trauma and looking for the path of least resistance led me to being disabled for 4 years, after which I miraculously recovered and changed that 180°. Started working out, quit smoking cannabis that I did since I was a teen and quit painkillers that I was taking to manage my disability (I only use nicotine pouches and tappering those too but I am smoke free and btw...nicotine increases vasopressin!) and started dating a girl but everytime I mention anything about my feelings/desires/needs/doubts about her she just shuts it down and kinda vanishes for a while, only to return later and act like nothing happened. After going back to square one for the 3rd time I am worrying this is pulling me back and all you talk about is how to overcome the male avoidance but what should one say to an avoidant woman? She said she had a trauma from a past relationship but refused to elaborate and left, but at this point Idk if that's even honest. How do I help her open up about herself like I did on multiple occassions according to her will? And what if she's in denial of her own attachment style and I get labeled as the weird one for no reason?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Here is a video called "How to love an avoidant woman" kzbin.info/www/bejne/aHeth514hL6kbsk you might enjoy it

[@kitty2doggyMeow]

Do you answer questions in the comments? not just in the chat? :)

[@camrong117]

Avoid

[@liquidlifeconsulting]

Adam I love your content, but you’re still mumbling when you read-out the questions prior to m answering them. Thus, your listeners don’t have context for your response.

[@kristindeitrick937]

Fearful avoidant may cheat as a survival tactic

[@AttachmentAdam]

Has that been your experience?

[@kristindeitrick937]

@@AttachmentAdam yes. Maybe not cheating but giving up and serial monogamy. Think it’s a nervous system survival response. Been listening to Sarah Baldwin regarding somatic healing needs

[@yadiraalbornoz3046]

They might need to reencarnate...Pay negative karma...

[@samatchaapaisuwan7671]

I am an avoidant but I've never been sexaully cheating to anyone. My problem is I try to be good to everyone and always couldn't refuse the asking for any help or sometimes I think that's the case I have to take responsibilty on it. I just don't want to upset any people and always ended up hurt myself so bad that no one understood what's truely inside my head.

[@AttachmentAdam]

What do you think would happen if you started speaking your mind? Would they stop being close to you?

[@samatchaapaisuwan7671]

@@AttachmentAdam Actually I have my life long story to tell, I was born and raised in different culture from most of your cases and even quite complicated in my native culture. I am 58 now and since the past few years I have been studied a lot to try to find my own self. If you are interesting in a bit different story than the western, US cases, I will try to write step by step of my life from childhood until now send to you. The story will start by a Thai boy born in Bangkok Chinatown culture, most of the time taken care by troubled grandfather family but been loved in our asian culture ways.

[@samatchaapaisuwan7671]

English is not my native language but I will try my best writing it if it could help your case studying has more useful samples.

[@samatchaapaisuwan7671]

I do really appreciate your work, thank you so much to speak and clarify many things for us avoident people.