Why Avoidants Cheat in Relationships and Sabotage Intimacy

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In this video, Thais Gibson unveils the root causes of why dismissive avoidants cheat. Watch now to discover why people sabotage their intimacy and the deeper dynamics involved as Thais offers up some guidance and useful tips, especially if you are a dismissive avoidant attachment style or a partner of one.
For more information check out the course, Rebuilding Trust & Overcoming Jealousy in your Relationships.
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:46 - Why People Cheat
00:03:03 - Root Causes: Dismissive Avoidant
00:10:02 - Relationship Dynamics - Needs
00:11:28 - A Person Representing the Unmet Needs
00:14:45 - On The Receiving End
00:15:44 - 7-Day Free Trial Rebuilding Broken Trust
00:16:40 - Conclusion
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[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

I know this goes without saying but just in case...this is not saying all avoidants cheat! This is explaining why they cheat if they are cheating

[@Lord_of_Dread]

[DA] I certainly would not, ever, under any circumstances. I wouldn't even knowingly sleep with someone who is in a relationship if I'm single, and I've had quite a few taken women try to do just that, despite my aversion. No mercy for the traitor! Disloyalty (in this context) disgusts me.

[@howtosober]

It would be very helpful for PDS to include or else make specific videos about how the non-DA partner experiences them with all their various protest, deactivating, and other behaviors. I understand the point of presenting things from the DA's perspective, but the problem is that of all the attachment styles DAs are the most disconnected and unaware of how they impact other people with their behavior. In fact, all of my experiences have been that they simply don't care- especially once they're on their way out. They'll throw a grenade into your whole life and walk off like you never existed. In fact, of the many DAs I've known, not a single one has ever taken accountability for themselves. This isn't to vilify DAs, but as Heidi Priebe points out on her channel, DAs operate from a fundamental world view of "I'm okay, you're not okay" and are the most likely to self-identify as being perfectly fine. How do you get through to someone that believes the problem is always other people? So again, making it clear how DA attachment affects the people they're around isn't just for the rest of us. Somebody needs to tell the DA.

[@sheliasmith2884]

To me any one who needs space the way they do will cheat the Bible says and idle mind is the devils workshop to much space from your partner will open your eyes 👀 to other things I will always say until these people do the work on them selves leave the alone because we committed people deserves better

[@nishanttn]

I had a similar experience with an FA ex. She avoided intimacy with me and then randomly out of the blue cheated and slept with her ex. So this trait is not exclusive to DA’s but FA’s too

[@4hinson777]

Thais Gibson is a wonderful teacher/expert in her field of business/education. She has a different style to explaining how people relate to one another in relationships. ❤❤❤

[@jmaw7574]

The problem with DAs is that if you don't meet their needs (bc they haven't shared them) they sabotage the relationship. And when you do meet their needs they freak out bc it is too intimate and they sabotage the relationship.

[@warmhart2034]

100% The DA sabotaged our relationship even when their needs for independence, space , autonomy were met because me honouring his needs made him come so close to me.

[@ThatBlackGuy1616]

⁠@@robinnobles5785I think part of what you said is true but I also think you have a slight misunderstanding of DA’s. As a DA myself, you’re right that there is an inherent selfishness to how we act and think in relationships. The part you’re missing is why we do that tho. I can’t speak for every DA but it seems to be a key component of being a DA that we don’t trust others with our feelings. I know I don’t even trust myself with my feelings if that makes sense. Because of this, it feels like if I don’t look out for myself, then no one will and I’ll end up hurt. The corresponding feeling that goes with that is that everyone is or at least should be responsible for their own feelings and regulating them. Honestly I think you’re right that the partner of a DA shouldn’t have to endure the strife of dealing with a DA’s emotional unavailability as it ends being extremely harmful for the partner. I can’t speak to your experience because I don’t know you but it kind of sounds like you were scorned by an ex who was a DA and now you hold this belief and apply it to all DA’s. I’m sorry if that’s the case but again, I don’t know you so I could be wrong. Either way, DA’s aren’t necessarily weak, we’re just horribly conditioned to only look out for ourselves if we want to be able to survive.

[@aron4408]

@@robinnobles5785 Terrible take and you clearly haven't spent enough time reading about attachment theory to understand its no a conscious decision. I'm sorry you've been hurt by a DA. You sound like an idiot.

[@taylorbee4010]

Kids

[@d2svpcfp]

If I have to psychoanalyze somebody to this extent and cater my actions to their needs to prevent them from cheating, I’m out. In the end, it’s an integrity issue. Own it, work on your self-victimized cheating self, and be better. ✌️

[@pete69696]

I totally agree. Dealing with a bpd/npd is absolutely waste of time. They cant change

[@cornwallismorgan874]

Yeah, no cheater is worth this.

[@princemishkin1601]

This sounds like the words of someone destined to be cheated on.

[@lisaoconnell9257]

Agree - just walk away after a convo highlighting the issues. They need to be left to sort their own stuff out & we need to move along to be at peace within ourselves - not turning ourselves inside out. Coupling with another can be incredibly fun, easy , rewarding, exciting & passionate etc etc - that’s all normal. All this trying to be something your not or withholding your own easy going & flowing nature of living & loving securely as you do, just so someone doesn’t leave is ridiculous. A world of secure ppl in conscious relating would be an ideal world 🌍 we could all live in ! 💟

[@trpweb]

Yes. It's not worth a relationship of you have to psycho analyse them to figure out how to be with them.

[@876tisha]

When dealing with a DA you can’t put them on a pedestal. You sent clear boundaries from the beginning and let them know you won’t tolerate bs. They respect people who respect themselves. If you let them feel they can get away with anything they will. Never be afraid to walk away the first sign of foolishness!!

[@CeciledeLuire]

100%. One should never tolerate bs from no one.

[@asmallbitchybanana]

You made sense to me now. During the beginning of my relationship i was the opposite of this. I gave in at every warning sign, every red flag, i made do with all the inconsistent behavior. I shouldve expressed my needs more, and if not fulfilled or met halfway with, i shouldve walked. I instead hung around for the next 9 months letting him get away with bloody murder.

[@manupasta]

My avoidant ex literally used to tell me “don’t put me on a pedestal” or “do you put me on a pedestal” her fear was being out on a pedestal

[@lmart16]

DAs won't bend to your boundaries bc they won't acknowledge titles

[@flagirl0315]

@@lmart16exactly. People with boundaries just leave. A lot of them want control of everything and to have the upper hand and boundaries don’t allow that. They don’t like being equals

[@SkullObsessed69]

The more information I learn about my partner from these videos, the less I feel like my relationship is going to do anything other than hurt like hell

[@eiehe93-]

Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I hired a private detective Barryinvestigation@gmail. com. Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!

[@mybiggrin]

Jesus. After over six months of researching this material, this video has convinced me that I simply do not have the time or professional experience to deal with these kinds of people.

[@mesCheerios]

haha for real... this makes me want to avoid intimate relationships altogether...

[@d2svpcfp]

Love this comment. My sentiment exactly…

[@warmhart2034]

​@sunbeam9222 The question is... Do DAs really have a match? If there is no capacity to meet basic relationship requirements, then there's no match!

[@d2svpcfp]

@@warmhart2034 I believe the point is that these are not normal basic needs…and if the consequence to not understanding or meeting those needs is cheating…it’s not worth the squeeze. Example…if we don’t see things the same you set my house on fire. No, we respectfully communicate and then potentially agree to disagree and go our own ways if necessary. That’s perfectly fine and healthy…unlike if in a love relationship if you don’t meet my needs I’m going to lie and cheat. Basic. To each their own…

[@daspotjoel]

@@mesCheeriosthat’s like the mantra of an avoidant

[@77maanno]

The huge problem with this is that this so called “need for unconditional acceptance”, what it is is really entitlement. It’s just a much smoother way to put it like that, so then they can keep feeling more entitled, because it’s just a “need”. But needing your partner to accept any type of bad behaviours and bad treatment for you to be able to feel “loved”, that is just extremely unhealthy, entitled and abusive.

[@gregorystinette8271]

Epic

[@purplebutterfly314]

Exactly. It's no wonder avoidants typically attrack anxious people who have no boundaries and will accept anything in order to not lose someone. No secure person with a healthy self-esteem will put up with this for very long.

[@bloomingmeadow]

This is scary because most of the time their own behavior causes dissatisfaction and therefore you express it and that automatically makes you “not unconditionally accepting?” 😅 Basically you have to take whatever they give you to be safe from being cheated on? I often times feel like in my case, he is basically treating me how he was treated growing up and I’m the one that tends to be emotionally starving.

[@marianabucio6047]

Yes! It's so disheartening to receive that treatment while they flaw find in you. Feels hypocritical

[@CeciledeLuire]

That's exactly it i guess... People always treat other people the way they treat themselves (and the way they were treated as kids, except they reflected and developed in a more self-chosen direction)

[@zarinaadi04]

And yet..You choose to stay, just so you can complain about it and make a pitty party

[@asmallbitchybanana]

@@zarinaadi04yes it was a choice to stay, its part of the attachment style one has that makes it difficult for people to get away because they would rather stay in an unhealthy dynamic than be alone. I dont think its about having a pity party. Its about understanding why someone does choose to stay and attach in an unhealthy way knowing its wrong.

[@miriamb2367]

I would just leave. Why would perpetuate the cycle of abuse and enable an abuser? We can't unconditionally love someone just because their parents didn't do it in their first 2-3 years of life. We are dealing with adults who have free will and a sound mind. Limitations exist, sure. But if you are here trying to heal, others have that opportunity too.

[@technoutopia4687]

Dismiss the avoidant and find a secure partner. Don’t do what I did and waste 8 years

[@Candy_Mountain]

6 here

[@TheMusicalMotiv]

10 here

[@Candy_Mountain]

@@TheMusicalMotiv 🫠I’m so sorry

[@gregorystinette8271]

lol

[@matthewferreira2955]

8 years here… worst mistake I ever made in my life was taking her back after the first time she cheated 4 years into it… wasted another 4 years of my life just to end up in the same place…

[@dannywholuv]

Thank you for the reminder of why your better off without a DA 😊

[@lysabelle3990]

If someone is a cheater the only thing that is going to prevent you being cheated on is not dating them in the first place. Cheaters cheat, liars lie. The only thing having strong boundaries might help with is preventing the relationship in the first place or shortening it.

[@a.d.b535]

How do you know they'll cheat unless you have a crystal ball?? Hello!?

[@loadingjpg]

i spent nearly 8 years trying to be everything my DA with narc tendencies needed, including the psychology, acceptance, etc. in the end, i got cheated on and abused/abandoned several times. it's not worth it. i now have to make up for almost a decade of lost time and rebuild my entire life.

[@brightpage1020]

Stay strong, now. The more you focus on them and the destruction they caused, the longer it will take to build the life you love that supports you more than harms you. I'm so sorry you dealt with this but feel grateful for what you have learned and that you were wise enough to get out after only 1 decade. Some people wait 3... Gove yourself credit for catching on and wriggling out when you did. That alone can take a lifetime. Consider yourself as having a leggup now that you're out. That's what counts. That you get this chance. You'll have to tough it out but will build grit and character and you'll never forget the red flags or be fooled again this way. Phew! Because you developed enough self respect to recognize and stop it around you. Great work! Keep it up!

[@flagirl0315]

I’m sorry to hear this. You are strong and will get through it I promise. I know it hurts

[@marialuciaperrone2456]

I feel you ❤

[@raininthespringtime]

I have a secure attachment and am dating a DA and my heart is hurting. Im in a place where I feel the best thing to do is to walk away. Im tired and I feel drained and im tired of him constantly dismissung my feelings, not communicating with me, turing things around to make me seem like im the bad person, not answering simple questions, he will be warm and loving and then turn cold. I feel like im on an emotional roller coaster. Im tired of hurting 💔

[@warmhart2034]

Sorry. But I have to say leave now before you waste more time and get more hurt. I used to be Secure but after dating a DA, I'm not feeling so secure anymore!

[@venusrain4198]

Oh my god you need to leave. I finally left mine after 22 years. I have PTSD and I’m “dead”inside

[@mathews0618]

Because avoidants are high in narcissism and they lack object constancy and empathy. They aren't narcissists because their intentions aren't the same as a narcissist but its as close to having a relationship with a narcissist as you can get

[@sheliasmith2884]

So true even more reason to leave them alone.

[@katenicholson4152]

I can tell you 100% I lack object constantly at 50% avoidant combo / 50% secure. I used to deal with this with my DA and feel like I lived two different lives. Didn’t ever want to cheat on him, loved him too much to do that, but I def agree with that topic and avoidants.

[@mathews0618]

@@imm0rtalitypassi0n sounds covert narcissist like. Remember, narcissistic personality is an attachment injury so it overlaps with all the insecure attachments.

[@77maanno]

Absolutely! Look up Dr. Ramani’s description of “neglectful narcissists”, and see if there’s really much of a difference.

[@77maanno]

Also, you don’t have to be a narcissist in order to be abusive.

[@TheCoffeeCat]

The problem of "unconditional acceptance" is: it does not exist.

[@TheCoffeeCat]

@@sunbeam9222 You are right about radical acceptance. But I don't think that's really what avoidants want to be the target of. They look for "I love you just the way you are and I wouldn't change a thing about you", more than "Well, you are who you are and I choose to face reality, not fight against it".

[@TheCoffeeCat]

@@sunbeam9222 I totally get you! I've been watching these videos for years and I feel I still don't know a thing about people. Like you said, too many complexities and I already have a hard time figuring myself out! 😅

[@asmallbitchybanana]

Ill never forget how i wanted to have a heart to heart with the DA one day prepared myself mentally . I chose in my mind all the right words to say in my head, even practiced how i would sound so as not to trigger him. I then started with the how much i love you speech, appreciate all you do for me, etc. talked about how positive of an influence he is in my life, how happy i am etc. then i said im just gonna talk abt what bothers me in some ways, and hoping we could work on things, im also hoping we could neet halfway and compromise soc the relationship could head in the right direction in a healthy way. He said hes open to more, and addressed the issues i had then he Said “ i just dont like being manipulated “. He was referring to me stating i wanted to compromise and meet halfway. I just stared at him shocked to think that someone telling another person that they wanted to meet halfway and compromise, would be seen as manipulative. This is when i knew there was something wrong and i googled it, and up came dismissive avoidance.

[@howtosober]

That's literally every experience you will ever have with them. They only have one mental template, and that's their running scoreboard about everything they think they're doing, everything they think they're not getting from the other person, and all the ways the other person is trying to manipulate them. It doesn't matter how many hoops you jump through to get understood. They will always send what you say through those filters and twist the facts to fit their feelings. Just cut your losses, it's never worth it with a DA unless they go and heal to security first.

[@spacegirl226]

Wow. I had nearly that same talk with my ex husband and got the same response. I remember asking for compromise, for him slowing down and letting me catch up because we're supposed to be doing this relationship together, and he just flat out would not do it because he viewed me as entirely the problem. Everything I said became an attack upon him, and then he lashed out and left me reeling. I was trying to do the right thing by being honest and open. He viewed it as a manipulative attack -- in his mind it could not have been anything else. He was perfect, clearly, because I was the one in counseling and not him. So there is no compromising with a perfect person because of his perfection and my deep, deep flaws. My parents behave the same way when I ask for compromise and reasonable behaviors.

[@alexisrobinson9180]

they’re literally so afraid of being manipulated and perceive a lot of harmless things as being manipulative. Mine said I was trying to manipulate him into staying in a relationship with me by mirroring his personality 💀. When in reality the reason we clicked so much is how much we were alike in that sense. I was flabbergasted

[@asmallbitchybanana]

@@spacegirl226 i couldve written this myself. Its fascinating to me now looking back of the different mindsets all of us have and our attachment styles and our relationship to all other people beside ourselves. It fascinates me now to think for exampleghe mapping pf lur brains and the dispersement of processing skills. You and me process compromise/meeting half way on needs as vital to the relationship we had with our partners in the sense that we were willing to see compromise as a happy medium. On the other hand, avoidant people process it as a manipulative tactic to get them to drop their guards, get them to give in, as if something was being taken away, such as control, and power in the dynamic. Im stating this because when i tried to process this in my mind thru the lens of logic versus emotion, thats how i perceived their thought process was at the time. I was always seen as the problem, when i stated i just wanted us to sit down and talk about what mattered to us, and how we can improve movingforward. I had the best of intentions because i grew up seeing communication as a fundamental need in all relationships no matter how shallow they were or seemed to be. But for him, i can now honestly say that even words that were meant to soothe/alleviate or appear non hostile were met with condescension or suspicion. As if i was reeling him into some imaginary weave, and then catch him off guard saying something that wouldve been detrimental to his survival. Fascinating how the mind works under perceived threat and responds to those threats in a survival way which is to guard itself even more.

[@asmallbitchybanana]

@@alexisrobinson9180 yes they see a lot of seemingly innocent things in our eyes as something entirely different. For example when we were texting each other and sending one another selfies from work. He had sent me one,and not to brag but he is a very good looking guy (as i find with most DA's,they are mostly good looking and well put together for the most part) he looked amazing, and then he told me he wasnt sure it was a good picture , and he had a scowl on for most of his pictures permanently, was barely smiling or poker faced in most of them, i realized that outwardly rhat was a projectiom of his self doubt and his questioning view of himself if he was ever good enough for anyone. He was perpetually unhappy and despite having it all "together" from his good clothes, good job, money in the bank, and emotional regulation, he wasnt happy with who he was.

[@user-lx4uk5un7s]

@7:35 "When someone has these deep fears of intimacy and deep fears of closeness the subconscious mind starts to push it away and SABOTAGE it, and if somebody doesn't give a good reason for somebody to do that, the person is going to intrinsically sabotage it on their own, which of course can be thru cheating..." - I have experienced this with an FA. Either way DA/FA gonna find a way to sabotage, that's a scary observation.

[@cornwallismorgan874]

That's been my experience with FAs as well.

[@ahsenaktitiz9163]

Same :(

[@JamilaGomez82]

The unmet needs part - that is the part that frustrates me the most about this and what's turning me into an FA. It's really unfair. It's very difficult to not take it personally if they meet someone who met a need I knew nothing about because they didn't communicate it.

[@cornwallismorgan874]

And in reality, all they'd have to do is communicate it and it's very likely the need would get met.

[@JEMANF]

Agreed👏🏽👏🏽

[@privatepo5876]

I’m a DA; I worked a good while on communication. If a person has an unmet need; that’s their issue of not communicating not yours. It’s also their issue of not working on that unmet need. I spend a tremendous amount of time alone on reflecting. Essentially what I learned about my behavior is that I was taught early that I had to solve my own problems - no one else will come to help and if they do they shouldn’t be trusted. Neglect and molestation does a number. Everyone needs to fully understand their own psychological needs before getting into a relationship. When people cheat, all that it is telling you is that person lacks self awareness.

[@jagrutijaiswal3412]

😢😢

[@NoName-zb1gm]

It sounds like dealing with a psychopath. I guess these videos are a warning always have an escape plan in a new relationship. Don't rush into anything and catch feelings before you know what you're dealing with.

[@afterdinnercheesesnack]

My watch just alerted me that my heart rate just started to raise lololol

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@fuyooooo]

From my experience of having dated avoidants (DA & FA), they tend to be naughtier than most. They do things they probably shouldn't and have integrity issues. They think that if they hide things and don't tell, they'll eventually get away with it. The only way to date them and not be cheated on (hopefully) is to have rock solid boundaries. Once you start seeing a red flag, you need to talk to them about it.

[@YamileYemoonyah]

Please don’t generalize. Thais doesn’t, so why do you? Not all DAs and FAs cheat!

[@asmallbitchybanana]

@@YamileYemoonyah thats why she started with “from my experience”. Dont think she was attacking all per se. but from her own experiences.

[@mesCheerios]

Yea your experience is of course not representative of the population. This is really frustrating to read as a high integrity FA who was cheated on several times by a clingy needy partner

[@mesCheerios]

"They do this..." "They do that..." sounds like they started generalising based on their experience. It's horrible they experienced that but it's not fair to say that

[@gems-n-gunz307]

Extremely accurate!

[@roshawngreene7069]

These people are damaged goods... Just because they need to be loved, it doesn't mean that they deserved to be loved, for they need not to get into romantic relationships with others and stay the hell away and work on themselves!

[@dustinquinton]

Best advice I can give someone is, when you find out that your current or future partner is a dismissive avoidant……RUN AWAY! Relationships don’t and won’t last with a da.

[@penniroyal4398]

Roger that 👍 I’ve been there and if I hear another man talk about having a bad childhood I am going to run the other way as fast as I can! I had an extremely difficult childhood. You know what I did? Lots of counseling professionally 😮I also actually have a minor in counseling from my BS degree!

[@dustinquinton]

@@penniroyal4398 very nice!👍🏻

[@marcokuhner2445]

Unless they work on it and show willingness. I know DAs in functioning relationships but it only works because they do journaling and go on a healing journey

[@erenjaegerbomb8653]

Ok so your advice is demonise 25% of the population as unlovable? Well my advice is stop giving advice then, and for others to not listen to you =P

[@jamalcole1985]

Go somewhere with that negativity. As if you don't have flaws. Every attachment style has its flaws. Don't put people in the same category just because of their attachment style. People can change

[@marianacampos7959]

I hate DAs....harsh maybe, but I dealt with one for a decade, for a decade he made me feel like I wasn't worthy and like I was a a nuisance. Cheated on me repeatedly then would turn around and ask why I couldn't trust him, that all he wanted was my trust. Glad that's over with. And I'm happy to see these videos so I can finally heal.

[@asmallbitchybanana]

Sounds like a DA to me. Sad part is, they will never be held accountable for their actions. Now or ever. Its best its over in your case, you spent way too long of a time with someone who doesnt know what they want and will keep you around without moving forward.

[@flagirl0315]

Bc they are the worst lol. Don’t even go there. You’re basically dealing with someone habitually emotionally unavailable and that never ends well

[@warmhart2034]

In my experience, DAs especially extreme ones dont have the capacity to meet basic relationship requirements.

[@howtosober]

It would be very helpful for PDS to include or else make specific videos about how the non-DA partner experiences them with all their various protest, deactivating, and other behaviors. I understand the point of presenting things from the DA's perspective, but the problem is that of all the attachment styles DAs are the most disconnected and unaware of how they impact other people with their behavior. In fact, all of my experiences have been that they simply don't care- especially once they're on their way out. They'll throw a grenade into your whole life and walk off like you never existed. In fact, of the many DAs I've known, not a single one has ever taken accountability for themselves. This isn't to vilify DAs, but as Heidi Priebe points out on her channel, DAs operate from a fundamental world view of "I'm okay, you're not okay" and are the most likely to self-identify as being perfectly fine. How do you get through to someone that believes the problem is always other people? So again, making it clear how DA attachment affects the people they're around isn't just for the rest of us. Somebody needs to tell the DA.

[@blueaqua2122]

I love Heidi Priebe's content.

[@asmallbitchybanana]

Heidi Priebe is another amazing teacher on Da content.

[@kathym.248]

I would say the real growth is joining the school. These great videos, to me, are just a taste at what she has to offer. There is a wealth of info on understanding DA's, communicating with DA's, setting boundaries for yourself if you've done everything you can do from your end and then not seen the change you know you need. It's great stuff and a wonderful community.

[@cornwallismorgan874]

"How do you get through to someone that believes the problem is always other people?" The simple, yet poignant, reminder that a relationship consists of two people both contributing their strengths, weaknesses, and wounds to the relationship. What shifted my perspective and actually allowed me to heal my DA style was introspecting into how I was acting and how it could affect the other person. It comes from introspection. Introspection is best inspired in a DA by way of just asking them to connect the dots in a gentle way, and hope for the best. If nothing genuinely improves, it's time to move on.

[@asmallbitchybanana]

@@cornwallismorgan874 this is the baffling part to me. My ex Da is so intelligent, one of the most intelligent, classy, street smart, and outwardly even keeled individuals ive ever met in my entire life. He presents as confident, teachable, emotionally regulated, hard working, centered. But when it comes down to intimacy and understanding emotional nuance, he is seemingly lacking or void of understanding from a partners point of view how his actions impact others. Hes 51, has never been married, had a ton of situationships with women who played around on him, but yet he chooses or has been in limerent relationships with women who either have a hard time committing, or would never be a good partner to him long term. He is self taught, well read, very highly mptivated, a very sympathetic coworkers to his peers and colleagues, well liked in his workplace. But in our relationship, he does not understand emotional distress stemming from my endless explanations of how his action led to me feeling the way i did, and us getting into a fight. He will use logic in arguments for example, he had a limerent relationship with a woman who he said he had never slept with, but highly admired. He opened up to me abt her alcoholism and how hes still worried for her. According to him, there was no commitment, but they were going out. He said he cared for her and still worried about her drinking. I really appreciated him sharing all that with me. I felt like there would be no more secrets. I asked him one day out of curiosity that if this woman reappeared in his life, would he have coffee with her or lunch. Without a second thought he said yes of course, shes my friend. I didnt want to appear intrusive but it bothered me so much because he had limerent feelings for her. He just never moved the needle forward. One day this topic was brought up again and i burst into tears because i had been keeping it all in and i was bothered he would make plans with her. We talked about it in further detail and he just couldnt understand why it would bother me when they were just “friends”, like any of my other guy friends i asked this auestion to all said there wss nothing wrong with me for my reactions, but the ex DA just couldnt get it. I cried about it several times more, and one day he said finally if it really bothers you and its that important to you i no longer see her, then i will respect that and not do it. But even when i used myself as an example, he always said youre not my property, you can see any man you want, i cant chain you to me if you want to go ahead and cheat, you will anyway, and said i trust women as far as i can throw them which is never. Says historically he doesnt trust women, so if i decide to cheat, he cant stop me. Says we are both free people , mature, and we should do what we want. Dont get me wrong, we were in a committed relationship, he just says his belief in life is “freedom” for everyone. And that people will do what they want, so why stop them. What will be, will be. As a recovering DA, do you identify with these belief systems, does it sound familiar to you?

[@Badmomsclub]

A DA wants catered to, and if you expect anything from them they will assume you want too much and make it your fault that the relationship ends… they always find fault with you and never themselves. 😢

[@myrtofeli7340]

It doesn't matter where cheating comes from. It's something that really deeply hurts self-worth and devaluate personality and rationalizing it does not work. It creates deep trauma in someone who is possibly already traumatized in their childhood. Imagine how bad this is for them. As it would be for you too. People don't cheat. You destroy everything and for good and you may even destroy a good person and this is so heavy for you to carry in your consciousness too, later on. As a cheater no one trusts you anymore. Leave the relationship, take no contact, but don't cheat. It is really the worst you can do. Unmet needs not resolved for a long time? Just leave and work on yourself. You may find then, you were in the wrong and not your partner so your next relationship thrives this time when you have done some good work with yourself.

[@kimberlymorrison4880]

My soon to be ex told me (after he cheated) he would hurt more if I loved someone else than if I slept with someone else. Sex addict,, bipolar, Borderline a whole lot of instability. 11 years invested in a relationship with no true intimacy and so many secrets from his past. Cheating KILLS the other person, whatever the reason.

[@chiaraA.]

I would caution that learning about all these attachment styles is for some folks giving them the idea that oh great, this is a challenge!! and I can figure out the puzzle and make everything right and in the end we'll all be happy...... I'm seeing all I can learn while I process the cognitive dissonance of my experience and continue my healing process - and all roads point to - at least for me - keep running.... the other way that is. Run and don't look back at the DA. What they do still freaks me out. And I don't think I'm abnormal for thinking so.

[@a.d.b535]

Yep, his DA traits were much bigger than my ability to be sucked dry and spit out.

[@Pablo-cy5ve]

DA broke up with me by text message while I was at work. We had just been away together and had said that he loved “us”. It was our second time around together after 3 years. He said he’d never loved anyone as much as me. Completely blindsided me. He said we were oil and water and didn’t mix.

[@anniiKn]

Sounds like my DA. We had 4 years together and several break ups. Still, at the end, he told me he loved me and will always love me but he had decided we were not compatible.

[@Pablo-cy5ve]

@@anniiKn wow I’m sorry. I don’t see how it takes 4 years to decide that. It’s seems more like it’s their way or the highway there’s no compromise

[@yvonnemagliocco8507]

Same. Was with a FA for 6 yrs. didn’t know anything about attachment styles. But learning about it all now. He broke up with me 3 times total. This last time was the end of June. He picked a fight with me ON VACATION and told me to go home. It was the most bizarre experience I ever had with him. We never fought. Told me over and over he loved me from the first day we met, but I deserve so much more than what he can give me. I found out just recently that he’d been seeing someone else for some time. And his endless lies all surfaced at the end. He even shocked his family. I’m 💔. 😪

[@sarahbethjones7829]

I experienced this same ending. It is extremely difficult to understand as well as heal from the wake of bodies (hearts) left behind their actions and behaviors. 😢

[@corywood674]

I hear ya all too well it’s devastating to finally let go and except they are all in just to ghost you days after fml 🤦🏼‍♂️ your so not alone …learn from it that’s all we can do ❤

[@NormanZealandMalana]

It sounds like DA's sabotage things, at all levels. Makes me realize how lucky I got, dodging that last one.

[@Mermaid03_03]

I think when they withdraw is when they really can go to someone else. I’m an FA so that’s where my mind goes with my trust issues.

[@nameloading..8665]

Bottom line. Love or not, these DA’s are severely damaged and require too much work.

[@brightpage1020]

I don't even want to understand or hear anyone make excuses for bad behavior. Sure they have reasons that seem reasonable to them but they make a choice to act harmful and destructive. My guess is, not their 1st time making that sort of choice. So... Why waste time making excuses or understanding that you could use to build a life that you love without this harmful person in it?

[@d2svpcfp]

Preach!

[@jimflammer9370]

One cannot minimize the act, It is about the cheatee and how they feel, for one; they are not getting the respect they should have for paying the freight, among other things that gives the cheater the financial freedom and support of a committed partner to shop around...In the long run one is better off without a person with a cheating mentality

[@alisoncanty1894]

Wow. This explains ALOT about someone I recently disconnected with. I don’t feel so bad now. Thank you. 😌 It is just my opinion but these people seem to be so deeply damaged from attachment wounds in childhood that until they get the help they need it would be better if they refrained from being involved in romantic relationships.

[@warmhart2034]

DAs are not only damaged from childhood attachment wounds. Many would have been further damaged in adulthood when partners left them because of their DAness, making them shun relationships even more as it deepens. And while we may think that the DAs are not hurting like other attachment types, they actually are wayyy hurting more beneath that cool exterior as the grief was repressed and not processed.

[@alisoncanty1894]

@@warmhart2034 I never really considered this. It sounds like some kind of vicious cycle. Sadly, the person I had to disconnect with just wanted casual sex with a lot of women and had no interest in being with me. I wonder if some DAs do this in order to avoid emotional intimacy with one person and try to fill the void with sex instead because they don't know how else to do it. 🤷 I remember when things began to change at the beginning and I could see that his walls were beginning to come down with me. Then it seemed like he suddenly got scared and just left.

[@warmhart2034]

@alisoncanty1894 Some DAs do the multiple partner thing, and that as you stated, is to avoid emotional intimacy deepening with one person. How long were you with the DA? Did you have conflict or did you voice needs he couldn't meet?

[@alisoncanty1894]

@@warmhart2034 All I can say was it was complicated. We didn't really have conflict but he told me that he wanted to be a part of a swingers party which I found odd. When I first met him he told me that he had had a 2 year relationship with a woman and something happened. He ended up being depressed on a constant basis for 6 months and when I asked him more about it, he told me he didn't want to discuss it. Many times when I would bring something up that he said, he would tell me, "I don't remember." Back in January we Facetimed and he asked me what I wanted from him and I said, " A lot but I don't think you are ready for what my answer is." That probably terrified him. The whole thing was just so upsetting. Thank you for your concern.

[@happymood2278]

After ending a long-term relationship with a DA, I am dealing with a team member at work who is a DA. Having background info has helped me not internalize my team member's behaviour. Thank you, Thais, for that! However, I am never going to date another DA again.

[@HealingHappyAli]

Thank you for this important topic! I'm coming from a few years of Betrayal Trauma Recovery therapy, it was helpful at first and better than nothing but I stalled healing because it wasn't about him or his PAddiction, it was more important to teach me to heal my core wounds and find MY secure so I could figure out why I was choosing him in the first place, putting up with the pain he caused. HE NEEDED TO UNDERSTAND WHY HE CHOSE THIS COPING STRATEGY TOO. Attachment isn't taught as a connection absent issue in addiction, sabotage as fear. He's a good person with bad habits. ❤

[@jb-ze1yh]

Yup I have a sex addicted ex/Coparent. He got out of a long term marriage with an abusive narcissistic ex and then we met and I didn’t know he was like that. It’s been the most traumatizing experience, and although I “ get it” it still feels shitty and disempowering.

[@mathews0618]

Sounds like you picked up a narcissist, not his ex

[@jb-ze1yh]

@@mathews0618 they are both narcissists .

[@jb-ze1yh]

@@imm0rtalitypassi0n this is exactly their dynamic. And that’s why I am far away now! 🙏🙏

[@mathews0618]

@@imm0rtalitypassi0n narcisstic personality is an attachment trauma disorder. Definitely they are dismissive people

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

Ok ,it just keeps coming. Shocking. I don't want to sound like a broken record but you've hit it again. Thank you incredibly much. You are like the best possible medicine. Mind blowing accurate, healing advice and positive knowledge that I don't understand how it's so spot on with events that have happened to me. I do hope I make the leap to join your school at some point because it's very obvious to me how incredibly important of a teacher and healer you are .Thankyou Thais Gibson

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thanks for such kind words. I do hope you join! There are lots of good healing tools and a community to support you if you need it :)

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for such a heartfelt comment!

[@LeeChrissy]

Ohhhh try and join!! At least for the 7 day free trial!! I love it. It's hard because when you're trying to find where you're triggers are coming from, it can bring back memories you likely pushed back for a reason. But it's worth it.

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

@naldec1111 Thank you for your encouragement . 🫶🏽

[@roshalllambert]

I always love the root cause analysis that Thais does!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

We appreciate your feedback! Thank you 💜

[@danitaoliver264]

OMG, THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH, THIS IS SUCH CLARITY......... THE FACT THAT IT'S NOT ABOUT US, THAT WERE NOT ENOUGH, OR GOOD ENOUGH........YESSSSSSSS WE DO INTERNALIZE IT, TO THE POINT OF FEELING REJECTED, FEELING LIKE WE CAN FIX IT SOMEHOW, MAKING IT OUR PROBLEM, OUR FAULT.......... WOW THANKS AGAIN!!!!!!!♡

[@benf1111]

I briefly dated a DA or FA who claimed she was "poly" but used that as an excuse to do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted without communicating her needs. And of course pushing away when our relationship started to get too close. I feel so fortunate that i got out as early as i did. And yet I'm troubled that theres still a part of me who feels very connected to her and misses her. I joined yhe school to get to the bottom of why I'm attracted to people like this. I can see how the abandonment and disrespect were just mirroring how i was treating myself.

[@tycerxyz7534]

Oh I could’ve written this but I married mine. Claims poly but really has used that as an excuse to just be single and receive all the benefits of a relationship. Did not understand what poly actually is.

[@Kinteresting]

So interesting - same! After awhile I started realizing it was just being used as both a barrier to intimacy, as well as a reason to just evade accountability and conversation around healthy boundaries, or having responsibility. Ironically - ethical polyamory requires SO MUCH MORE relationship conversation, accountability, responsibility, time contributed to relationships and working through issues etc. I once was SO confused and now am more amused that this is the most absurd thing, it really skewed my own perception for awhile until I was like hang on - I;m not crazy - you are just doing whatever the hell you want and NOT communicating anything, to anyone. having multiple partners and one-sided relationships or withholding and ommitting information to people along the way is NOT poly!!!! omg sorry I just got so triggered by how many years I spent debating this with someone instead of just DUH. Also thank you for sharing your comment. Lol :)

[@Kinteresting]

Also I am an FA by the way - who has worked through my issues but yes, had a DA basically destroy me in order to kickstart my own healing and I too am grateful for you.. I wish I would have listened to myself sooner but, alas. I too feel connected and miss him but.. not enough to be ever romantically involved again. The poly thing still really grates my nerves for some reason. I may have tolerated a lot but, when it comes to my logic and reasoning - I get PISSED thinking about someone debating this topic with me for so long and I was like I know I'm not poly and don't know but I know ENOUGH to know that that is literally the opposite of what people who are in open or poly relationships need to deal with and why on earth I even wasted energy arguing with this, or dealt with an on and off relationship with someone who claimed to be somehow more 'evolved' than me is now just.. well, I try to laugh about it. or I'll cry. But, this is not often brought up and I appreciate it.

[@Kinteresting]

Lastly (and sorry for hijacking your thread) - my involvement in our relationship (in retrospect) began from 50% genuine openness to perhaps a 'less traditional' relationship format and likely 50% looking back after doing my own healing work, some combination of my own commitment issues and/or combined with a willingness to abandon my own needs for the sake of connecting with someone else I had a very unique and wonderful connection with. Interestingly after doing all of this work, I have been squarely shifted back Into a space of being ready and very much wanting a healthy committed and dare I say it - pretty traditional, committed and definitely monogamous partnership. I am a-ok with all the alternatives to that and everyone wanting what works for them, and I used to be open to those things as well. But I recognized parts of that (for me personally) as being not super clear on what I wanted, and now I am. In him, I eventually realized it was more of a recklessness and totally confusion about what he wanted also. I don't view it as malicious or intentionally 'I want to do whatever I want' .. it felt that way to me from him. But after reflecting on myself and my own avoidant tendencies also.. I try to give him the same benefit of the doubt that, he was also just figuring out his own attachment issues, and working out what he wanted long term in relationships also, and confusing different things. I understand that. But being on the receiving end of it sure sucked- and led me to being much more clear in my own needs, and absolutely communicating them - joyfully! and Being open to others as well. Win Win's for all! :)

[@benf1111]

@@Kinteresting same for me on all fronts. I just thank the gods it only lasted a few months. I wasn't poly necessarily when I met her but when she said she was poly a part of me was excited because I thought she would be like the other poly folk I know and be very enthusiastic and proactive about communication. It also helped me crystalize my wants and realized I do want a monogamous relationship. It also taught me so much about setting boundaries, believing what your body is telling you about a situation, and bringing up concerns for discussion the FIRST time something feels off. And, as stated, it showed me how much I abandon myself. Now I'm seeing on a day to day basis how much I do so in subtle ways and habitual people pleasing/seeking approval. Meeting her is one of the best things that's ever happened to me. I learned I could love in ways I couldn't even imagine and I was catalyzed for much needed change.

[@daxter7913]

Sounds like DAs are mentally unstable, & only to be taken on by the very emotionally stable. Thru these videos I no know/ or solved the big mystery surrounding my person; every time when I thought we came close, right thereafter he’d throw me in the freezer for a week or 2, for good measure. Cyclically he’d reel me back in, saying, no he didn’t reject me. I sensed player vibes & confronted him on that: oddly enough, he didn’t deny my accusations, rather replied with a another question. Honestly, the non communication, the disappearing acts, the me having to beg him to be honest with me … I blocked & walked. From the comments I gather I could have put in decades with this guy, with no peace of mind

[@SeanOzz]

It’s pretty easy, not to cheat on someone you’re in a committed relationship with. If you meet somebody you find attractive, you don’t change numbers with them and start hanging out. It’s really that easy. In other words, keep yourself out of situations that tempt you to do something fucked up to someone you care about

[@77maanno]

I came back to watch this video after a very long break from the PDS. And I feel so sad and so much compassion for myself. She keeps rationalising and justifying DA behaviours while vilifying any anxious behaviours. Anxious ppl are called out for unhealthy behaviours and called “needy”, angry, aggressive and even abusive. Whereas DAs behaviours are never called out for what they really are. Why is it never said that they are entitled, selfish (instead of “need for autonomy”, for christs sake call it what it is), and even abusive with their silent treatment, gaslighting, withholding, lying by omission, brutal honesty. Those are all abusive behaviours. Silent treatment is not self protecting. It’s abuse. If a healthy person needs time and space they communicate in healthy ways. And truth can always be told I kind ways. No need for brutality and lack of compassion. I was gaslit in PDS for so long, and it really increased my trauma. Turned out I wasn’t anxious preoccupied. I was traumatised by covert abuse, and no one would call it what it was. I had to find healthy therapists and coaches to finally understand and get out of the state of confusion PDS left me in. I’m sorry to be this direct. But this is my truth, and I know you like ppl to be authentic and brutally honest. So there you go. My heart has been breaking for so long for all the APs who are being gaslit by all this stuff still. All you need is normal, healthy people.

[@nikolettavarga8351]

Sorry about your experience

[@alchemicalsoul]

Exactly. I find it to be enabling and supporting codependency. It waters down abusive behavior. Yes we need to pick it apart to understand it, but the approach seems to appease the DA so not as to offend. This could easily be a platform on how to walk on eggshells for narcissists. DA behavior, as well as the other attachment styles are overt or covert narcissism.

[@bijoulil8784]

Good for you for taking care of yourself. I agree, oftentimes it isn't that the partner is too anxious but the avoidant causes this anxiety that just builds. After I broke up with him.. guess what....no more anxiety. Cheers

[@77maanno]

Interesting. I got a couple of comments from someone called Krsitina on here, but now her comments seem to be removed. If you ever read this though, Kristina, thanks for commenting. Your comments just reaffirmed for me my experience and my feelings of the PDS of being a bit cult-like in it's nature. I found it interesting how you felt the need to "diagnose" me and make up an opinion about what had to be my issues, only from reading my one comment on here. Do you know that that in and of itself carries with it a high load of red flags of gaslighting behaviours? Telling me how I feel (anxious) and what I am (AP or even FA by your opinion). I will tell you this: I come from a pretty secure family background with present and loving parents and other adults around me. I had no deep childhood trauma. Certainly not anything to create for me an FA attachment style. I do have trauma though, yes, from my abusive relationship and even later from what I was told in PDS and some other unhealthy online communities. Luckily I was secure enough from my childhood to be able to bounce back from that when I finally had a real life, healthy and proper trauma specialist treat me. I far from blame things on everyone around me. Only even telling me that, is just so wrong. I used to take all the blame, because I was conditioned to. I am very good at taking accountability for my actions, thoughts and feelings. That has never been an issue for me. And maybe in the end it's partly what hurt me so much, because it became so incredibly one-sided. And I will also tell you, I was paying a member of the PDS from the day Thais first opened the school, and I was a member for several years. I did all her courses and attended all of her webinars. So there's no need to tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm only describing my own experience and what I witnessed so many others go through in the school. I still feel sorry for so many who were conditioned and rationalised into staying in what were clearly very abusive dynamics. I used to be the first one to defend DAs in the school. And to speak up for them, just like you did in your comment to me. Little did I know that that was me being unhealthy and traumatised. The comment I have posted above here, is probably the first really heathy comment I ever made on this platform. It is me finally speaking up for what isn't right, speaking up for myself and expressing some very healthy anger. I would not have been able to say this when I was still deep into the ideas promoted in this school. I was pretty brainwashed back then. If you read my comment again, I am only pointing at how the message is always that anxious behaviours are bad and abusive and anxious people need to change and do better. Whereas when DA's behaviours are described they are always justified and excused and rationalised. You told me the message in here is not biased. Well it is. Many of those who feel like they are anxiously attached in here are told to change to be able to accept the DAs (or FAs) for what they are. And that's what they do. And they never heal, they are just abused by both their partner and the people who are supposedly helping them. That is what I have witnessed. That is my truth. And my words are not harsh. They are very, very true.

[@aspegel5281]

I think it has to do with the DA's core wound of shame. She is very cautious and careful of it. If they were criticized, they would never join PDS to heal. The FAs and AAs can handle a bit more criticism, because they don't carry the shame wound. PDS is self-directed, and it's not meant to replace a good therapist, which is what is best for people who have experienced abusive relationships. She never encourages people to be in abusive relationships.

[@DougieBee]

It’s great to know all these strategies to work with a DA, but the question you must ask yourself is “Do I have the time, resources, and love for them to embark on such a high-stakes, dangerous endeavor. It’s akin to a decision to go to war: If you REALLY consider all angles honestly, there’s only one reason to go to war. A threat to national security that absolutely cannot be mitigated any other way. On a personal level, that translates to “Self Defense”. Now, the logical choice isn’t to enter a war, but to simply end the threat by leaving the relationship. Risk vs. Reward. Choose carefully, Padwan.

[@izzyunicorn9813]

They have an extreme need for freedom and when they feel too close to someone thats usually when they feel trapped n start cheating.

[@gebronthomasson6960]

Some find the sexual “ intimacy “ Néed through casual sex because their shadow self still needs the intimacy ( where vulnerability is not threatened..

[@joannabielby4244]

This is a really excellent video which has shed a lot of light on my personal experience. Thank you.

[@notvrycoolbutissokay6621]

Thankyou for building this safe space for us.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're welcome!

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

The word (may) though.. You are speaking very possible positive scenarios though and I appreciate this. It is a very strong feeling I had for her. All I can do is hope it wasn't a case of me I can't think of anything more important in this life, then to find a real true love to experience growth & life together, even if just for a year before exiting this planet. It was so so incredibly powerful to me and to have it walk was .

[@kalencorrie8525]

That’s the x. Emotionally and sexually connecting with many women on the side. Couldn’t have a relationship with me even in the most minimal way. After I got the hell out, he said he didn’t know how to connect or give in a relationship. He was afraid of being left, being hurt. Aren’t we all.

[@meagandekkar6377]

I’m tired of paying for someone else’s piss-poor parenting. A person cheats because he or her has alley-cat morals not because he or she has shitty parents.

[@venusrain4198]

No my ex’s parents are pretty shit 😂

[@georgiacraze6859]

This is incredible - thank you x

[@mylovelyman2]

Again you lovely woman, you have saved my sanity! I took it very personally when she cheated on me.

[@briankaos2654]

What if they don't cheat but keep Accusing you of it when you're not?

[@Jesse-ju6jm]

Every partner I’ve ever had that accused me of cheating was in fact the one that actually was cheating

[@asmallbitchybanana]

They have huge trust issues they need to work on and they cant be a healthy partner, they are possibly projecting on to you what theyre doing.

[@hannaheye]

​@@Jesse-ju6jmI think it's like a 98% correlation that the cheater can't stop accusing the other of cheating.

[@sheliasmith2884]

It's called projection because that's what they do always watch your accusers. I can write a book on this.

[@stevensantora2976]

Thank you so much.

[@sally5256]

Incredible….this makes things in my situation so much sense. Thank you for keeping these videos. 🙏❤️

[@josephland8876]

Please make one for the FA on this topic

[@user-cn4ko4ui1t]

Thnx for explaining now I am aware of my wounds😅but I don't really want heal those wounds as I have other things in live then love life , I should take responsibility and minimize the mental damage I am causing others thank you

[@debra8883]

i am curious what your take on Narcissitic personality Disorders. This relationship avoidance seems pretty similar to NPD.

[@Bookooky]

She has a video on this!!

[@asmallbitchybanana]

Im not a professional, but if i can just share. I was married to a narcissist and dated a DA. There is no relationship avoidance or dismissiveness from a narcisssist, they in fact are quick movers, they love bomb you from the get go, they want to in fact “lock it in” because narcs “need” supply for constant admiration, validation, approval, outward projection. My narc was in an 8 year relationship, met me in California, and married me two weeks after meeting me. He called his sister, mother, and entire family including his grandma to say “he had met the one”. His ex and him had been leading separate lives, living in two different states, but he had been out here on work, and she was blindsided . She wanted a ring from him 8 yrs ago instead all she got was the narc married someone else. I only found out he had a gf a few days before getting married. No, im not gloating of how good i am so he chose me instead. He chose me because he saw more relationship benefits and social approval when he got together with me. We just had more similarities and shared lifestyle preferences. His ex was 12 yrs older than he was, and had health issues. For the narcissist, its what looks good for him that he prefers , or what would be more beneficial to him in the long run. The DA is a slow mover, turtle paced actually. You can date a DA for many years, it feels like a relationship, but youll have to beg for that title if the DA just isnt ready. They are careful to a fault. The commonalities with a narc are that they can both be very self oriented inwardly, meaning selfish to a degree for the DA and fully selfish for the narc. Both are usually good looking and highly charismatic. Call it a coincidence, but both my narc ex husband and my ex DA are highly attractive individuals. Both are ambitious, driven, have great jobs, are outwardly confident. I feel like my Da ex was more teachable, the narc was set in his way and it was his way or the highway. Both like good things and were successful. I feel like both have survival instincts out in the real world because of having thrived in a messy childhood dynamic with toxic actors and personalities surrounding them. At the end of the day, narcs can have avoidance traits, but i feel like they are quicker to jump in relationships without much thought to hasty decision making , da’s tend to think more carefully abt future outcomes and may still have narcissistic traits, both sets of individuals are more likely to have addiction and substance abuse issues in their lives, but i feel like no matter how toxic you think DA are, i think they have better control of themselves than the oftentimes uncontrollable narc. DAs actuslly tend to be slow to move the needle forward, while the narcissists i know of, will do things to put the spotlight on them , and stay center stage. Depends on whether they are covert or overt narcs.

[@samanthasavarese7631]

So if the dismissive-avoidant breaks up with you or leaves you for someone else is because you are not enough…. Thank you for the bottom line

[@dianafranco810]

So good ❤

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you!

[@rubyanaya126]

Tyvm❤

[@goldy140]

Fearful Avoidants also cheat??? How do we understand the differences of a player & a fearful avoidant?

[@MarylnBowan-vg7te]

(FACTS OVA FEELINGS). EU r in a relationship with ur heart ur heart is ur best friend and it is ur life partner if you want urself to thrive eu have to treat the relationship with ur heart like eu wud treat the relationship with ur significant other

[@teamneverlost]

My FA has been constantly accusing me of seeing other people even though I haven't been with anyone long before we got together. They were seeing someone casually when we met. Accused me of being a sex addict and seeing someone behind her back and lying about it. Come to realise this was all a narrative based on their own behaviour and they were projecting this onto me. I care about her so much, want to help her and for things to work out, but I realise I will always be idealised, devalued and discarded over and over again. It doesn't matter how good I am to her, will never be enough.

[@djpdyson]

I don't know. I think you may have mislabeled the person. That sounds like a narcissist

[@nodeal1973]

This is amazing. How does one help the avoidant then?

[@samnabbs]

I wish you will do a makeup tutorial 😊

[@allibryant7961]

This is exactly what I struggle with and let ruin my 6 year relationship. How do I heal this wound of feeling like I’m losing freedom when being emotionally vulnerable and committing to a future?

[@user-xi8sx5gh4w]

I really feel like my ex of (10 year) relationship was some sort of avoidant who wanted space but for the previous 9 years she mostly was good at connecting and very into when we would get married. She found a new career and liked a guy and strung me along for months before admitting she cheated and then "tried" to make it work while I wallowed and couldnt get over it. Then she broke up with me and texted me a bit during this first month asking if I was okay and if I could reach out to her son.

[@CarlosMUrbaez]

my lovely DA did all of the above, but she got caught cheating; her lies and gaslighting surpassed her reality, and indeed her childhood was pretty messed up. She threw everything away for a few beers.

[@bryceoleski5680]

Its hard not to personalize the cheating. My FA ex sent me a link to the engagement ring she wanted, then discarded me 5 days later and slept with my friend (ex friend). Double betrayal.

[@vaneshobe910]

I like you a lot. I appreciate you giving us these informations. Please don't talk too fast. We are trying to understand what you're saying.

[@DeathbringerShini]

Ex husband cheated on me, never admitted it but stated that my attitude was sour and he didnt get his needs met which is validation from mulitple woman and being polyamorous. Which i put a clear boundary when we started dating that i was against. During seperation i saw him doing questionable things with the dog sitter. Once the divorced was finalized in October and i got my car he put he announced he waa in a relationship with her that December.

[@GG17250]

My DA was #2 thinking he can't have freedom and deep connection, so he blindsided me after 3 years saying now he was polyamorous. I told him I'm not polyamorous and those relationships make me feel unsafe and distrusting so I'm out and broke up with him on the spot. To me that was his way of putting another barrier to intimacy between us. I'd love to know your thoughts on this?

[@fortificationenjoyer1919]

I don't think my ex cheated on me or will ever cheat, but she left me after i felt hurt because of her actions (ignoting me, reading my texts without visualizing them, unfollowing me on ista instead of a hot guy even if she is asexual, just to make another rebellious act against me), I felt betrayed anyway, she left me because she got mad at me because i was hurt, she left after such a petty argument. All i know it's that if someone will ever cheat, they will be dead to me, i hope she isn't in that category of people

[@Candy_Mountain]

Definitely MUCH higher with DA & sex addictions & porn

[@ylimehillis5603]

Is this true of FAs who are dismissive leaning?

[@GeorgideMarne]

Please talk about how and why APs use Sex to regulate emotions and their internal states instead of emotional connection with their partners. That should be an interesting topic also...

[@jdee9844]

My boyfriend recently ‘monkey branched’ back to his ex. He had become distant over the last couple of month (hot and cold, pulling back..) I had no idea he was still holding feelings as it was never mentioned. I literally had to force it out of him. Not sure how he thought it’d end. We hadn’t spoken in around 3 weeks prior. Would you say this is typical for a DA? I’m currently NC and still on shock - didn’t see it coming!

[@cornwallismorgan874]

Hot and cold is more FA than DA.

[@jdee9844]

Thanks. I’m not sure what he is. I’m trying to get an understanding of his behaviour. He was the perfect gentleman at the start of our relationship. We took it slow and things developed organically. Not sure what happened with the ex and who initiated their re-engagement. Is this likely a pattern? (On/off r’ships, deceitful behavior, monkey branching…)

[@cornwallismorgan874]

@@jdee9844 If it's a pattern, it can be fear of rhe unfamiliar/unknown. I've noticed that a lot of people get back with their exes if they weren't the ones initiating the breakup. I'm not sure if it fits any attachment style more or less than others, but it's definitely a problem. And I'm sorry this happened to you; I can't imagine how hard it is to process.

[@jdee9844]

Thank you so much for your thoughts. Yes, it’s pretty difficult. There were no known issues to me and signs of unhappiness. Maybe he felt the need to ‘resolve’, or she’s more familiar/safe as you’ve stated. We are all entitled to change our mind and I accept that. However, to build trust and then act in this way is hurtful. It’s almost like he’s trying to keep the door open (hedging his bets) I’m continuing NC to heal and move forward. This is certainly an experience that I genuinely didn’t see coming🙏🏻

[@cornwallismorgan874]

@@jdee9844 You're welcome! And yes, I fully agree with you. The hardest part is the lack of communication. Without that, the behaviors come from nowhere and it's one of the worst things you can do to someone.

[@taylorbee4010]

“Mine” quote unquote because of no labels Basically double cheating Etc Has always said whenever she comes back “I don’t want you to need me” Is this common and is it an excuse for not being “able” to meet needs back? It feels they want something entirely one sided sometimes. Without giving back

[@TiaWasHere11]

They need therapy, period

[@rachhhh9722]

My partner cheated or sent inappropriate stuff online but it was always with girls who would have half naked Snapchat stories etc , girls with only fans . I wonder maybe if I was more like that he would like me more or respect me more

[@mysticmusical]

...this honestly just confused me. I've always wondered if I was an avoidant personality or just aromantic. Was neglected as a kid and sought approval from basically every authoritative figure in my life. I've always wanted acknowledgement for a job well done but I've never craved that from peers or felt a romantic draw(?) towards anyone. Truly can't tell if I prefer to be single or if trauma caused by my toxic cheating "father" just made me give up on romance all together. I think very lowly about cheating. This was interesting to know but confusing for my self discovery.

[@keytone333]

The thing about self discovery is it's not that easy to sort it out. Before putting ourselves in boxes, we have to see that there are infinite level of boxes to begin with. Yes there are 4 attachment styles as we know, but for every individual this experience will be different. You can be an asexual/aromantic or you can just be avoidant. You can have childhood trauma due to parents acting in a certain way or you can have a happy childhood. You can be gay in an extremely conservative regime, which may lead you to supress your desires. Or you can have body issues that pushes you to isolation. You are the only one who knows the answer about yourself. Coming to your issue, if a child sees their parents acting in a wrong way, they can just push themselves to not be like them. It can be your case, and you still can be avoidant due to this experience with him.

[@alangittner9666]

Im going through a divorce because I fell in love with a fearful/dismissive avoidant. Should have known sooner, but actually thought by being the best person they have ever been with would overcome her issues. Need to stop kicking myself for being so stupid. Makes me want to skip skirts as they say.

[@mattimus1979]

What if every serious relationship you’ve ever been in results in the other person cheating? Pretty sure it’s me at this point. 😬

[@you-vi2tm]

It's interesting how cheating is mostly about monogamy. If there is any science or perspective on why monogamy and its protection is what we want.. what are its benefits and why do we want it? I want to be in a long term monogamy marriage with my partner but I have my doubts if I'm allowed to want it. I would not want my partner to be with anyone else like in this video it is assumed. But how can it be justified so strongly like in this video? I would like to justify it strongly. I wonder if Thais justifies monogamy strongly.

[@sreangsuacharyya5788]

No, cheating is not about monogamy. Its about deception, breach of trust and not being there for your partner. One can be non-monogamous and yet not be doing those toxic things.

[@Bee-uk4my]

Do they tell you they want to be with other women but when you are around they treat you special for a minute then disappear?

[@gebronthomasson6960]

And DA feel “ safe” with short term /casual hookups because they convince themselves that they are in control so not vulnerable.. don’t have to be intimate in a casual relationship.. so no core wound exposed.. well and when they become vulnerable they bec😢me that scared abused “child “and casual relationships is their “ big girl/woman” in control of their bodies.. all tying back to the abuse and being ignored about it growing up ..

[@amarchelk]

What part of "fornicators and adulterers will not inherit heaven" that the Bible says, don't people understand? It says they will reap what they sow, even to eternal condemnation.

[@you-vi2tm]

I have cheated, my partners have, we have ha difficulty to be monogamous... this video is on point!

[@rachhhh9722]

What if it's just a sexual nature though ?How is that meeting a need that the partner isn't meeting for them ?

[@arankagionetti2098]

There is any reason for anybody to love or care or put any effort or energy to this abusers ! When someone loves you you are pulling a way when someone care about you you running a way this is nothing but mind blowing abuse who need this ?? there is any acceptable reason you can come up wit why should anyone be with the avoidant person ! Im not trying to be rud but this is the sad truth its abuse!

[@nikolettavarga8351]

Thais Gibson i wish you were my bestie

[@wf4983]

Ok. So many comments here from the 'other side' (the people who are in relationship with people who might cheat) ... so, thank you, Thais, for being compassionate and addressing the roots. To be clear: I am not a cheater. I am someone who does without relationships because I am very afraid I would have to cheat - and I would therefore be a bad person and I don't wanna do this to anybody. I am really questioning today if that waiver is better (or if I am betraying myself and if I am abandoning myself). I somehow had always some understanding for cheaters. I know so well how it hurts to miss sonething crucial in a relationship... and not being able to change this. This is betrayel of oneself, too. And I don't wanna get trapped in a relationship like this. Maybe I meet somebody one day I can communicate with about the crucial things.