AVOIDANT MEN - Do they ever fall in love? The Attachment Specialist explains (with neurochemistry)

Curious if avoidant men ever fall in love? The Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith explains the neurochemistry behind avoidant attachment and relationships.
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If you’ve struggled in dating or marriage and worry you’re not good enough, worry no more. The Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith wrote this guide to show you how to stop fearing abandonment and start building healthy relationships. Through his proven step-by-step method for repairing attachment, Adam will teach you what people really want from you, how to give and receive love without fear, what red flags to avoid, and how you can build a lifetime love with a partner you trust.
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[@AttachmentAdam]

The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available! If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love, and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/

[@TiffanyNicholeCatley]

I LOVE the way you touch on attachment in a way that doesn't vilify or victimize insecure attachment. Neither avoidants nor anxious folks are incapable of steady change. I believe I fell more into disorganized attachment, leaning more anxious when met with avoidance and vice versa, but now lean secure. I'm married to an avoidant husband that SUCKED at having any level of real conversation. Defensiveness and extremely sensitive to criticism. I broke up with him at one year with every intention of not getting back with him since he'd refused joining therapy. He cried and expressed he felt abandoned. I assured him I'd be around if he wanted to reach out because I did very much love him, but the relationship wasn't sustainable. We came back together 2 weeks later and had our first therapy session together. He tells me 2 years later and married, he never wants to go back to his life before me. We celebrate our 1 year wedding anniversary this year and are excited to welcome a child together.

[@dawnstonerock4253]

You give me hope! ❤

[@hshfyugaewfjkKS]

An amazing success story! Congrats 👏

[@markbardner8214]

Lifelong avoidant...married and doing my best...many thanks to you

[@TheWBWoman]

The Signs he states in the video that an Avoidant loves you: 1. They stay with you past 7 months-12 months (and aren't cheating on you) 2. They stay in the relationship despite you causing them stress & pain at times. (Being miserable for you shows they love you.) 3. They do things that show they trust you. 4. They provide for you in some ways. (Pay for dinner, pay bills, etc) An Avoidant's person's love is based on Survival.

[@noticeyourneighbor8649]

I guess my guy loves me even though he insists he doesn’t 😂😂😂

[@Makeitorbreakit1111]

We just had this talk today. I flat out asked can you even love he said well once I did. I know he cares about me. He's just soooooo scared of losing his independence. I'm the first person he's trusted in years. But it's hard. I love him but I'm also getting to old to wait.

[@jencrews]

I think we should all band together and start a business selling oxytocin perfume

[@thenoisyworld5856]

😂😅

[@MarkusKasanmascheff]

You can actually get oxytocin spray if you want to experiment with this... Just google

[@JenMaunier]

I’d totally buy that!!!😂

[@dawnstonerock4253]

I’m in!

[@chowrunnergo]

Or do some mushrooms lol

[@Pheonix1111]

I am amazed you do not have 5 million viewers. But you will some day!

[@HellenofTroy897]

I think he's amazing.

[@cosmopolitan4043]

This is reassuring. I dated a avoidant for 2.5 years and broke up with him several weeks ago. didn’t know he was a DA until I learned more about it about a week ago. Never said I love you or I miss you. Not even I like you. The only thing I could tell myself is he kept showing up to my house so he must have liked me lol! Really great content. Thank you 🙏

[@AttachmentAdam]

You're very welcome, I appreciate your feedback. I'm glad to know you're finding this helpful and that you're learning so much. Becoming securely attached will also help you attract more secure partners in the future. Have you figured your own attachment style?

[@cosmopolitan4043]

@@AttachmentAdam yes I feel like I’m half anxious half secure. I can get anxious but I rarely appear that way. I didn’t overwhelm him with texting and calls. I knew he liked his independence (like a lot) so I always would feel like I was interrupting that. At one point he said “you could call me every once in a while.” So I’m not exactly sure if I lean completely in one camp. One thing that did make me question things is that I like verbal affirmations (love language) and now I recognize his inability to speak about his emotions was more about him than me. Thank you 🙏

[@georginafronda496]

Similar experience. My ex said he can’t tell me he missed me as he’s not felt it before. He could say I like you but not miss you. Also gave him all the space he needed and left calls to him. He later accused me of being needy - duh!! Broke up with him 3 weeks ago

[@hspinnovators5516]

Mine also had consistent actions but also didn't express via language. Luckily I learned more about my need for verbal affirmation as an anxious. Trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel

[@JenMaunier]

The anxious part is so accurate, I have been raised in the guilt language way, and I hated that but I didn’t understand how toxic it was until I started realising I was acting like my mom and started looking for help.

[@MURPHxiii]

The timing of this video is incredible. I was telling my friend today that I was afraid that my avoidant partner is unable to love me.

[@shotsbysroka]

I just started working with Adam and it has been eye opening to say the least. I feel like I have pretty good self-awarness but I have a history of sabotaging my own relationships and not fully understanding the core reasons why my relationships fall apart. The sessions are very conversational and easy. Best part is Adam will tell me these stuff I do not want to necessarily hear because its what I need to hear. I have a long way to go, but I am encouraged that I am putting in the work and have Adam to guide me through this important process. FYI I have always been skeptical of therapy and don't view this as "therapy". To me, it feels like coaching and education. I think too often people become dependent on therapists because it is a business model so making a client feel like they need you in perpetuity is self-serving. It all comes down to doing the work. And as Jordan Peterson says "If you can't order your own life, you shouldn't be trying to order anything more complicated than that."

[@miyabiparis]

The description of avoidant is so true ! I think this come from ptsd for me.

[@MartaHobzova]

Your explanation that they're invested If they care after the dopamine novelty wears off makes sence.

[@tinalu4695]

Dear Adam, as a therapist myself and after going thrue a difficult relationship with an avoidant man myself (definitely the very insecure and shy type that thinks he is bad and can never be good enough for me) I have to say your content is the only out there that makes sense deeply and extensively and describes my ex in a very accurate way. Especially the biochemistry part makes soooo much sense! I think I really have an understanding now what happened and gives me hope that there might be a chance to work it out with him after he reached out to me again a while back. I know what I can do differently on my part without taking responsibility for his. Not sure if my profession can be helpful or maybe is a threat for him in a way…. Thank you again for your great work!🙏

[@Moshka627]

You will be at 100K in the blink of an eye. Thank you for your enlightening content. Found you just recently and discovered I've been anxious and avoidant since childhood, unable to trust anyone, expecting let down. It destroyed my marriage. It's been extremely painful but this wisdom being shared is a huge catalyst for healing. Much appreciated.

[@mistieduarte1597]

25:10: I am an anxiously attached person ( was,, I have put in a lot of work to be more secure) with an avoidant partner. I COMPLETELY AGREE that we are toxic for them! The problem is , we don’t see it until we are healed. I believe anxiously attached people are the most toxic ( I can say this because I am or was one). Good for you Adam! We need to see ALL truth, not just the truths about others!

[@hspinnovators5516]

Can you give examples of this that could be helpful to others? I'm guessing there is an ethical and manipulative version just like Avoidant attachment (NPD vs BPD comes to mind)

[@allthingsloveone4584]

If a person is not experiencing the love they need,require,offer and have explained is important, then whats the point? No one should be expected to be a martyr on the altar of someone else's damage. I truly want to understand because I want to make the best decision for my circumstances

[@pnaratik9383]

You actually understand the situation very well, probably you will not regret any decision when you finally take one. Love is a journey, and even letting go someone when love is not growing teaches the both parties how important it is to learn to keep it and I think your absence can bring more to their understanding..

[@sonyacurti]

I just found you a day or two ago and I love your style!!!! How to love and avoidant man. A large majority of people say to "RUN" but sometimes you just love who you love and that's where videos like this because so important for your journey. So Thank You so much for the work you do.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Welcome to the channel! Glad to have you here. If you are interested in learning more about the new course you can also check it out here: adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/ Regardless, happy to have you here 🤝

[@hspinnovators5516]

Yes it's literally the only place that gives the anxious or secure partner hope at working with an Avoidant. Everyone else says we're doormats etc

[@Dhi-qx7px]

Thank you for sharing this with us Adam! It's a major task for me to deal with my anxiety. I would barely get anxious with my friends, but when it comes to relationships, it changes completely. I can't manage myself and it's dreadful. I never wanted to be a burden to him but I didn't know. It was the first relationship I ever had and he was an avoidant. It took me a while to understand him.

[@no_more_free_nicks]

Hope - you are the only person who gives me real hope that I can heal. And hope is for me the base to be able to change. I'm working very hard on it.

[@sugar4973]

Adam, you are correct about the anxiously attached. We try too hard to give love to others the love that we, ourselves, would never want someone else to feel (I see now that it may seem too fast and chaotic for them). However, we cannot give just to get something back. Real love creates an atmosphere of safety. I’ve learned to reprogram my brain to be less anxious and that’s the way I give myself peace! Many Avoidants do show up but they’ve been told their whole lives that something is wrong with them and they believe it. Think about how terrible that must feel to them. He has had to accept my attachment style and I have to accept his. When the anxious stops asking and asking and, instead, recognize that anything that comes too easy can be very short lived. I tell him now that I know he needs time to himself to organize thoughts/feelings/ fears. This is essential for them! So, by addressing fears that I have with my own attachment style and sharing them with him, I can see that this approach offers safety to both persons and helps us both to be more comfortable being vulnerable with each other. It’s a matter of seeking to understand each other without demanding a time that they must tell us everything we need to feel safe. I’m learning what makes him feel safe and think of him more than myself (with boundaries that I have expressed) and they can logically work with that kind of situation. This allows them to feel safe to be able to communicate without feeling shame for doing so. They are actually just as terrified of rejection as an AP but don’t communicate that out of shame. 2 years in and I finally see the beauty in the way he loves me and I tell him how much I appreciate him. That’s when reciprocation is able to be exchanged. He now tells me (verbally) that he loves me, just not every day. If I tell him “Love Ya” this feels safe to him without saying something like, “You are my world”… As I’ve healed a lot of my AP issues, I realize how ridiculous and/or scary that could sound for him. Adam, thanks for all of your valuable info.

[@allegramarkovic4615]

WOW, I found you 1 month ago and you are heaven sent!! Thank you for all your info and help! My husband is a DA and I am in a way an avoidant also. Id like to learn how to trust love and men again but I don't think ist realistic so Im trying a second chance with my husband now but I have really no expectations. He is a runner so I think he will always do that, although he tells me that he doesn't want to do it anymore... We will see. Anyway, thank you for all you do for all of us!❤

[@Pheonix1111]

It all boils down to trust Adam. I only met one securely attached man I could actually trust. I truly fell in love with him. But he ghosted me, so it did not work out. I am always living in lone wolf survival mode, because I cannot find anyone else who I can trust. But I am completely capable of feeling love and loving someone. I have never experienced being loved by anyone. Although my father was safe, and I trusted him, he was mostly distant from me. He respected me, but I honestly do not think he actually loved me. The only evidence that might mean he loved me (from his perspective) is that he provided the basic necessities of life for me. But gifts and acts of service are not my love languages.

[@r_and_a]

thank you for sharing your insight 💛 since gifts & acts of service tend to be represented as avoidants' preferred love languages, would you mind sharing what yours actually are? as an FA i *definitely* relate to what you wrote about trust! best wishes with your journeys ~ especially developing trust & being loved as you absolutely deserve both!

[@Pheonix1111]

@@r_and_a I am 95% avoidant & 5% anxiously attached. I think love languages are unique to each individual’s preference regardless of one’s attachment style. My love languages are the other 3, which I never received from anyone.

[@ashleyobrien5791]

@@Pheonix1111 thank you for sharing that… interesting to know, my bf is avoidant and he is def Touch, acts of service, gifts Mine are touch, words of affirmation, quality time … one area I get all 3 is you can guess 🙃

[@marik8624]

I wrote it down.. "the talk".. totally gonna use it, if I ever get to that point I want to be in with the guy I like. I would like to be there on live streams too, but I live in a VERY different time zone, so that's not possible. But I wanted to let you know that I'm teaching myself and slowly healing too by watching your videos and writing down things that might be helpful to me. And congrats to you for 40K! It will be 1M in no time, for sure 😊🎉

[@JenMaunier]

Neeeeeever gonna have this conversation, ever! Haha 😂 I actually asked him yesterday if he felt less stressed out since I stopping trying to make physical contact / cuddle 60 times a day… et was sooooo completely avoiding the conversation and saying he didn’t notice a thing! Although his behaviour is completely different since I started being more secure. He started to open up to me about everything that troubles him (except emotions hahaha), takes time to give me a real kiss before leaving home, tries to be there for me when I need for him to take care of the kids when my schedule needs it…

[@nikangel5362]

I would be nervous to have that conversation. At the sametime I feel it would be a great idea. And practice growing from my fears or communication.

[@rebecca_stone]

Gosh I'm so grateful for the explanation of the different biochemistry of love. I'm post break-up, 4yrs together, piecing together wtf happened, his behaviours went to extremes (including violence), I'd not seen anything like it and didn't know all this stuff, confusing as well as traumatic. From a nurturing, sensitive man who yes clearly was in love, often bewildered and in tears of shame after hurting me, himself not knowing why he was like this. God bless him, he did do all the things - tried to communicate, endured pain - and 2yrs in as you say, he flipped and was 'enduring' and finding emotions draining (not his own though! When dumped on me!), at least now I understand better why. Def super hypervigiliant in so many ways, like a war vet would behave. But he showed extremes of anxious attachment too. Ie, fearful-avoidant. To complicate things, I'm FA style myself, we were triggering each other in a loop. It would be great to hear how the biochemistry works in FAs. Respectfully though, I think you may be overstating how 'simple' it is for avoidants to unlearn these triggers. They also have to be willing - it's very rare that they are, they are most avoidant of all on this. Unlearning attachment trauma is super-intense, super uncomfortable therapy work and takes time. I don't blame anyone who makes the heartbreaking decision to leave these people unless they are in therapy. I know I can never ever go through this again, and I'm doing all I can to spot these behaviours in myself too so that I don't affect people in my life like this.

[@dianas2766]

😂😂😂 no, I cannot have that conversation yet! But there are expressions of feeling that are very clear and there have been some attempts at basic conversation.

[@chowrunnergo]

Anxious person here very glad to have found this channel, thank you 🙏🏻

[@AttachmentAdam]

Welcome! Glad to hear that, and if you ever need extra guidance feel free to reach to me at [e-mail]

[@theholyspiritslove4619]

The timing of this video again, is perfect. My bf & i need this course more than ever❤

[@OlderWomenRock]

Interest and Awareness of Attachment Theory has become a lot more prevalent since I first read about it years ago

[@hspinnovators5516]

Agreed. It's so refreshing to see more research and incredibly creative and innovative work like Adams stuff spreading. This is the information humanity needs. Literally saving lives

[@Sporkwoman]

I know my partner is avoidant and I understand all the reasons why from what he's been through in his life. I'm doing my best to help him from a partner side of things however I know that a lot of it has to come from him. I just don't know how to raise this with him without him becoming defensive and it causing him to pull away. We've slowly been making little cracks onto his wall since I have started to understand what he needs but he needs to understand things too. How would you suggest I bring it up without setting him off that he's being attacked for "having something wrong with him". So many of the things that you have said about not being happy and not understanding what love is are things he has said and it rings so true and more than anything I just want him to have a chance to be genuinely happy.

[@hspinnovators5516]

The course offers hope.

[@nikangel5362]

Thank you so much for this. Took notes to practice for this conversation, at the right time. ❤

[@TheBestOfLisaRenee]

I am new to this channel and I am so excited about learning and growing. I am involved with an Avoidant, and I am not sure about my attachment style, yet, but I think I am Anxious. I am determined to do what I can to save my relationship with this man.

[@marionmeister4268]

Congratulations on the 40k, Adam, way to go. I am subscribing right now.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Awesome! Thank you and welcome aboard! :)

[@viiiviiv]

Congrats Adam for the 40k, and thank you for your videos! 🙏 Perfect timing with this one, I'm absolutely going to have that conversation. Thanks for the script! I'm in love with an avoidant man and I was just about to give up this whole situationship but this morning he said he really cares and has feelings for me ❤ This conversation is perfect next step for the conversations we had yesterday and today. And now I'm really going to work on my own attachment (I have been and still am a bit anxious with him) and learn how I can help him. He's not ready for a real relationship because he is afraid of losing his freedom. I'm sure with your guidance I can become securely attached and show him what secure love looks and feels like!

[@AttachmentAdam]

All thanks to your continuous support! I'm happy to hear you're working on your own attachment and learning from this content I share. Have you had a chance to check out the avoidant man series?

[@viiiviiv]

@@AttachmentAdam yes, those videos are gold! 🙌And I'm rewatching them too! I've gained so much valuable insight and tips from your content, both for recognizing and improving my own behavior and understanding avoidant attachment better. ❤

[@hshfyugaewfjkKS]

Thisis an amazing video. The neroscience, the conversation. Just so good. Subscribed. Thanks!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Awesome, thank you! Welcome aboard, it's great to have you with us!!

[@cherrylane79]

Most of them will cut you off if things start to get too serious (unless they are willing to change and get help).

[@noticeyourneighbor8649]

Oh my God!!! The 19 minute mark made sense of the last 35 years of my life 😮. I am crying so hard. This changes everything 😮😮😮

[@noticeyourneighbor8649]

My narrative can change. The love bombing tricked the hell out of me. And being an impulsive, dopamine addicted, anxiously attached ADHD woman I was primed to fall for it!!! 😩

[@noticeyourneighbor8649]

And the 35 min mark just FREED ME. My mind is blown. I needed the language to explain this

[@cjthefox]

Falling in love is easy letting yourself feel that love is a whole nother battle

[@dianeosbon6360]

Thanks for the encouragement!

[@goldenratiotats7951]

❤😢 I realllly appreciate this advice. I have been in a Rocky, yet intensely compelling (addictive, slightly 😅 codependent) relationship with an avoidant man, for over a year (with a 2 month break up in the middle). He recently gave me the feedback, that I was being “sneaky with how I was supporting him, that I would get onboard or excited when it involved me, and that I would resist or push back on his pursuits if it threatened or excluded me… he was right. I need your help. I try not to have any covert stuff going on, but I hold back a lot of my pain and fear (of abandonment) so that I don’t expose my sadness and come across as a victim or a complainer. But the truth is, I’m sad all the time because I believe the relationship is terminal, and that it will come to an end soon. I think the way I’m showing up sometimes only repels him. But he keeps coming back and sticking around.

[@hspinnovators5516]

It's hard but it sounds like you are earning security

[@andreacottone1635]

This makes so much sense and it makes me feel loved

[@piotrsowa9560]

Thank you Adam, your videos are amazing!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad you like them!

[@allegramarkovic4615]

Congratulations 40k❤ 🎉😊

[@deinayinyang]

Thank you so much for the HOPE you are giving everyone with the same or similar struggles, including myself. You are a godsent.🤗

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you immensely for your kind words and for allowing me to be a source of hope in your journey. Your support means everything to me.🤗❤️

[@jdb6026]

I find it very amusing that anxiously attached people would get angry for being called out on their manipulative behaviour. I reckon this is because anxiously attached people are usually portrayed as victims whilst avoidant people are painted as perpetrators. When anxiously attached people are called out on their toxic behaviours, their victimhood is yanked from underneath them, and they have no idea where to go from there. I know this because my mother is anxiously attached, and I am now old enough to call her out on her bullshit.

[@hspinnovators5516]

Can you be more specific? Avoidants can also make secures victims

[@jdb6026]

@@hspinnovators5516 What I meant to say is that in discourse and in conversations, Anxiously Attached folk are usually painted as the victims of Avoidant Attached folk.

[@Onyxopus]

Excellent quality content 🙌🏻

[@hspinnovators5516]

Thank you for this

[@OlderWomenRock]

My avoidant ex said He didn’t love Me . According to Him has loved a few Women in the past . He Questioned if He could ever love again . I used to say the same but after being with Him I believe I can . I pray if it ever happens it’s not with a Man like him !

[@beatrizjimenez8877]

You are such a nice and warm person

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate you! ❤️

[@duckylove3930]

Learning so much about my partner. Thank you for helping me/us understand how to walk beside them and create safety.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm thrilled to hear that you're finding value in the content and that it's helping you understand and support your partner better. 🙏 If you ever need further guidance, don't hesitate to reach out to [e-mail]

[@2013december]

Hi Adam I’m 70 years old and met this wonderful soul. It’s only two months ago and I strongly believe he’s an avoidant and I’m anxious. I’m trying hard here and learning so much about attachment. I don’t have much time to waste. 😢I can use your advice if you may. My friend is 66 years old. Loved your videos. So thankful and appreciate your work and your sincerity to help us. Thank you.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm so happy to hear that! I appreciate the effort you're putting into learning and understanding attachment styles. Feel free to send me any questions you may have through [e-mail]. I'd love to help!

[@lori6156]

Glad I found your channel!

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm glad you found the channel too! Welcome aboard, and thank you for joining us.

[@yknowwhatcrys4791]

Love your content! ❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much, glad you enjoy it!

[@enrichedsouldonnagill9542]

I found you 1 month ago and WOW.. I watch you every day after splitting with an avoidant man with bipolar who stopped his meds 18 months ago.. what a journey it’s been, his dad passed 12 weeks ago and he started pushing me away about 8 months ago .. I finally left .. he started off saying he wanted to marry me but after the meds stopped he just completely changed.. you have completely changed my life .. Thankyou x

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for sharing your journey. It's incredibly brave of you to navigate such challenging circumstances, and I'm honored to have played a part in your healing process. 🙏❤️

[@enrichedsouldonnagill9542]

Thankyou Adam, he is seeing his physiatrist now and back on meds, I know you’re not a fan of NO contact but his doctor advised him to start NO contact so I said I’d respect his decision.. but when I heard comment you made in a podcast I text him “ I love you” .. after months of pushing me away and long talks about his depression and not wanting a future but can’t rule it out he text back “ I love you too”.. we are both working very hard to get ourselves back, I have a secure attachment and your videos are allowing me to see how to love a more, communicate better and understand another’s perspective .. maybe he is not avoidant because before stopping the meds he was all in .. I’m finding it very interesting learning about the bio chemicals in the brain .. obviously with bipolar he has no oxytocin or serotonin, he has been manic and is living completely on dopamine ..time will tell .. but again Thankyou Thankyou .. you are incredible and I hope that Nick can sit down and watch this one day with me .. I have trust and an intuition this will make us stronger .. Donna from Australia

[@osteopathie-denisehendrick2845]

When can we talk about coersive soothing versus the pleasure of sharing life events? Immens thanks for your valuable information❤

[@nubeingqueen]

Thank you for your time.

[@AttachmentAdam]

My pleasure! Thanks for watching.

[@dianas2766]

Thank you for this. As an older, anxious attachment woman, I am finally understanding this dynamic. I hope to be able to heal...

[@AttachmentAdam]

Wonderful. You got this!

[@ashleyobrien5791]

Congratulations 🎉 Love your channel

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much, Ashley! I'm thrilled that you enjoy the content on my channel. 🙏

[@kaylakayla7341]

I absolutely wish you the best ❤ you are helping a lot of people

[@AttachmentAdam]

So nice of you ❤ I appreciate you!

[@ilspano6664]

Thank you sooooo much 😊

[@AttachmentAdam]

If you enjoy todays video please consider liking the video, leaving a thoughtful comment or sharing the video with a friend to help support the channel!

[@dawnclark1103]

Your great Adam, very smart and genuine

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much, I appreciate you!

[@francleighscarlett]

I know the video was about avoidant, but I really like your point about coercive soothing. I recently becwme aware that I people please, and I thought I was "nice", but as I've been fixing my anxious behaviour I realise I subconsciously did have expectations of reciprocation, and have been working to eliminate those types of bids. What's interesting is both my parents used this as well, and i never put it together. (I never liked when they used to do that btw - so its a good self reflection exercise for me). This is the first time I connected that it was a learned behaviour from mirroring my caregivers.

[@Saphira776]

I have just recently come across attachment styles after dating someone who ( i assume) is a dismissive avoidant. Unfortunately its also a long distance situation without the possibility for frequent physical contact. I have been doing a lot of research and i love learning about attachment theories - obviously avoidant in particular - their roots, how to deal with it and communicating needs. I am so glad i came across your channel, im binge watching your videos! Thank you. Very informative and helpful. PS: I am really struggling and afraid to have this conversation you are describing.... 😅

[@prettywhitney17]

Babe! You’re preaching to the choir, a.k.a. the choir is me for the past year. me and my boyfriend have just recently “taken space” Even though he is physically far far away from me. 😂 The idea of “space” is comical. initiating the initial of statement of expressing emotional needs and deep intimacy is not an easy task with a long distance avoidant and truly dismissive partner. To be honest, I don’t think Adam talks about this a lot because these situations don’t work out well in the long run. Without the physical aspect…available… and adding an emotionally intimate requirement to the mix, turned into constant “arguments” in my case. It sent him into extreme avoidance, stonewalling, silent treatments and blaming me for “always wanting to argue” Of course that made me emotional, and more anxious. If I tried to avoid I would end up being passive aggressive due to built up frustration of pretending that I am happy. He was constantly in a panic and became even more avoidant in his behavioral pattern. (For example: I started calling him instead of vise/ versa) For me, he’s always too tired , and “doesn’t want to talk about these things” and dismisses every bid for connection that I make. Dopamine is not there I even did FaceTime s3x and the effects only last so long and I can only do so much. that does not engage the same connection as if you were physically with someone. now.. I’m seriously going to work on focusing on myself because this relationship has caused me to stress myself to death and neglect my self care on a spiritual level. The needs that I have for myself are not too much, and a true man will step up to his woman’s true needs. a man, boyfriend, husband, or whatever you have will not do it for you make it point by doing it for yourself Instead. giving them access to all of you without requiring all the things that you truly need on the inside to be happy will kick you in the ass in the end and he will try to blame you for it hon. I wishI would’ve gotten this earlier. I don’t think it will change anything regarding your relationship outcome but just know that you’re not alone and if you don’t care for you- he will eventually push you Into an isolated and abandoned space where you have to face yourself. ❤ sending you love and hope for a better and more empowering outcome than mine. Take control of your well being , because his is the focus for himself as a true DA.

[@georginafronda496]

Good luck with the talk if you manage to get them to talk without them feeling attacked or defensive and turn things around on you. Tried and had to walk away. Good luck!

[@cynthiadesimone1668]

You should have waaay more than 40K followers dear sir. You've helped me to even know what an avoidant is!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for your kind words! It truly means a lot to me. I'm glad I could provide you with valuable insights. Your support is greatly appreciated! 🙏

[@cynthiadesimone1668]

Wishing my ex avoidant would somehow stumble across your teachings without me overtly sending them to him. We're no contact for over 7 months now. He once reached out to his previous ex girlfriend ONE YEAR later, so I wonder if he'll reach out to me! If I was aware of this whole attachment style, our relationship could possibly have been saved...truly. So sad that the love we had is gone.😢

[@EK-im5wr]

I need the free sessions! ❤️👌❤️

[@AttachmentAdam]

I hear you❤

[@lynettejohnson9051]

Maybe be open to have any conversation with care, fairness, without blame and shame. Authentic anconditional Love and Care.

[@Onyxopus]

Hope for sure ❤

[@Elemenohpea440]

Is this why my DA dad talks endlessly about what a burden we were as kids? He still brings up our pediatrician copays from 30 years ago. It doesn’t read as love but rather regret, as if he wasted his money on us and would have rather spent it on something fun. That being said, he never does spend money on himself and gave to us freely. He was never actually frugal or tight.

[@Elemenohpea440]

Actually, what would be awesome is if you could make a video for children of avoidant parents. Personally, I was raised by a DA and married a DA and would like a better relationship with them both!

[@aamu2955]

Thanks again. Adam . Could you please make the video about how the anxious attachment style and Limerence connects ¿

[@temptaytion]

As someone who's AA, I agree about the manipulation. It's definitely not the intent, but it is what it looks like. During a heated disagreement, I had my DA partner tell me that what I had said was manipulative. Luckily for us, I've been working on my attatchment style for a few years, so I was able to pause my rebuttals to reflect on how everything had played out up to that moment and why he felt this way. It was a big moment of growth for me, as I learned to explain myself in a different way to avoid misinterpretation of intent. When feelings are heightened it's easy to go through a list of things you have done to show love. In that heightened moment, I was confused on how things I do to show love were missed. And there's a big fear that they may walk away and leave, so I start doing a business case to prove their love by rhyming everything that was done. For me, my brain thought I had innocently reminded them about all the ways I showed loved, and hurt that they forgot. Forgetting means they don't care, they don't love me enough to remember. Many assumptions on both ends doesn't allow anyone move forward.

[@lynettejohnson9051]

Quality time often to secure the bond very important for that lifetime commitment with ones lover, partner... goal never doubting that bond. 💞

[@2013december]

Thanks!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Always happy to help! Thank you for your support.

[@IshtarBellydancer]

Wonderful :) hope ❤

[@Natalie-td2mq]

I think making gestures you someone to love is normal ...when there is no reciprocation for years but they say they love you after asking them nicely to organise dates sometimes because it would mean alot and they never do after saying they will ...it's gets difficult 😅

[@dianeosbon6360]

I would not have that conversation as I'm sure he would run!!

[@dawnclark1103]

I really think that it’s not worth the frustration to try to get someone to care and want to be with you….

[@lori6156]

Yes please do avoidant attachment

[@david9920]

That is grat40 k .I hope for you that you reach400k soon l.IHOP a150 million hear this message and work on them self!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for your kind words! I appreciate your support. Let's keep spreading positivity and growth together.

[@beanl]

How I wish to have known all of this last year before we broke up....

[@susanrisney179]

Wow what you just said it really wasn't love if it was 6 or 7 months long. Really made me want to cry. I gave him space. Said can we be friends? I didn't understand what he must have really meant. Now I'm really broken. I got a great picture of him skiing over Christmas when I send him a merry Christmas thing and then Dead silence like I was dead off the edge of the world in February. Maybe he's moved on. I don't know I'm really tore up now. I guess that last little bit of Hope is gone. Wouldn't hardly ever hug me. I never pushed maybe I should have been a tad more pushy.

[@svetikchum6988]

Why do they get little in return ? What do they want or need if their partner is loving patient and doing everything willing to meet their needs?

[@nerian777]

If women don't want avoidant men why are there so many women asking if their avoidant boyfriends love them?

[@ashleyobrien5791]

Bc they prob don’t hear the words - I love you from their avoidant partner…. Like the anxious or secure partner does express their feelings much earlier and it’s easier for them to… Most want to hear kind loving words from their loved ones … this can be hard for those with diff love languages too who maybe not necessarily be avoidant. These people perhaps get into a relationship not being familiar with attachment styles and are vested in their partner and we usually do truly want a good relationship and are usually the first ones working on ourselves if we discover they have an avoidant attachment after a pull back in their initial pursuit…

[@hspinnovators5516]

Because Avoidant men appear secure initially and then blow up the relationship when their dopamine fix declines because of the brain chemical deficits and by that time the secure or anxious person developed love.... It's kind of like being lied to in a way so the other partner is trying to understand what happened and it leads them to attachment theory

[@hspinnovators5516]

And because of the destruction and damage people who tried to survive the trauma tell others to avoid the avoidant. Also because Avoidants are notorious for not having self awareness or growing etc. so they don't develop the brain chemistry.... unless they are lucky enough to find this work

[@reneclark2556]

HOPE!!!

[@JesuisLord]

Pleasure giving activities , can I here more examples haha

[@Delanerz]

HOPE

[@MantraSchultz]

Hope

[@bellis-l5u]

Can the feeling of “falling in love” scare them away to deactivate and discard?

[@user-il5yj1jv7o]

Sounds like the way my avoidant spouse may have loved me,but I didn't realize until we separated and he told me the things that made him miserable ( what I thought for our marriage was playful banter) ,I say why didn't you tell me? I would have stopped... I also wondered why would he stay that long? He's an avoidant I don't get answers too much... I'm anxious I'm trying to be more secure to have a happy family.. he's told me the other day at my family reunion , after he went to work I got a text, your doing so much better... And he's proud of me... ( What ??) I don't know what I did... Different? He noticed something I can only assume is maybe me becoming more secure and less anxious. I'm practicing what I'm learning through your videos...

[@eileendom5858]

Wait…. You said the avoidant sees love as sacrificing with pain he endures, is that why they get into S&M? Because they want to see you go thru pain and that shows love? Just curious.

[@husseinayad4640]

Man I feel you are talking about me

[@Zap4e]

Thank you Adam, appreciate your content. Do I try to provide information to a textbook avoidant. Thinking about that because I recently understood that he doesn't actually know why he does his avooidant behaviours and also knows that they are something that stayed on the way of his relationshialways. I tried to tell him a bit about it but I think I need to provide him a book. I'm from Bulgaria, the only one I could think is Amir Levine's boook. Can you recommend a comprehensive article that I can translate, ao I can spark an interest the right way. I wouldnt want to do it as if he is having an issue (like I am not as well, for aure I'm anxious with him, or at least I bbecame it with him, doing my best to go towards secure so we have a chance). Thank you!

[@kristidin1983]

I could never ever be with another anxious person again. I think I'd lose my mind. Mind you, I am secure these days coming from being an FA leaning secure.

[@kaitlin8669]

I did this with my ex, but he said he could only tolerate me once a month for two hours. From my experience, expressing needs never works. I weened my self from seeing him a couple times a week to monthly before breaking somewhat free.

[@epistemophiliac5334]

20:20. What are the behavioral changes necessary? I don't know what to change and I can't afford coaching.

[@Delanerz]

He’s been pulled away for 3 weeks… we are at the 6 month mark.. and I’m terrified of losing him- but don’t know how to procede

[@kaitlin8669]

Hang out with female friends or sign up for classes, or start to hang out a the gym. Try fostering some pets.

[@michelevaughn6630]

I said " Am I the love of your life" ...and he said " what do you mean?".....i know i am but i realized he does not know what love is like me

[@andrisshirons]

Hope, I'd say.