Why do friends drift away in hard times? | Mark Webb | TEDxKingstonUponThames

[@ashathornton-clearwater2217]

Such an important message about being the friend that stays to listen, support and offer hugs on tap. Thank you, Mark, for your inspiration. 😀

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Thanks Asha!

[@janetslicer3637]

I lost my husband of almost 40 years to suicide two years ago. My closest and best friend still has not come to see me, write me a note, make a phone call - absolutely nothing. It is like like another death. Friends for 55 years and it is inconceivable. I haven't been hugged for two years except for my son, and one friend. I know who my friends are.

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

I’m so sorry. Hoping someone who knows you sees this…

[@joyceconnolly1065]

I'm so sorry. It seems like she was a fair-weather friend. You deserve better. ❤

[@mrsimo7144]

Hi Janet. I've been down the same sort of road as you, however, will never be able to feel the full dimensions of your pain. I'm sorry to hear this. People have become increasingly arrogant and self absorbed, they simply don't have the bandwidth to deal with other people's issues. It's them I'm afraid. Not a reflection of yourself. Be strong and get back to me if you need anything. Please let me how you are. 🫶❤️🐾

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

@@mrsimo7144 That's very kind and thoughtful of you Mrs imo... Sorry to hear you've also suffered loss...

[@janetslicer3637]

@@mrsimo7144 Dear Mr Simo, thank you very much for your kind and knowledgeable words. Yes, many people think of nothing but themselves and it is very sad. I wasn't raised that way and I didn't raise my son that way. Thank you for thinking enough of me to send me such a thoughtful note. Kindest Regards, Janet

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Yay! My talk was in the top ten most viewed TEDx talks released in April. Out of 1700+ talks!

[@IslandLife273]

So it should be 🙏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Thank you!

[@Fahimbalkh]

Don't drift away," said Mark Webb. That's the theme of his TEDx speech. But for me, someone in a similar situation, 24 yeesrs in wheelchair now, it's solitude that has been keeping me alive lately. It nourishes my soul and rejuvenates my mind. I don't seem to care about people drifting away from me anymore. Life is beautiful and I am enjoying every moment of it.

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

I certainly enjoy and need downtime, solo time… Mark

[@joyceconnolly1065]

The very best to you! ❤

[@stonz42]

Thanks Mark for being so honest and candid about your journey with MS. I had my first attack at age 19, but was diagnosed at 35 after years of obscure symptoms. I'm 38 now and doing well with infusion DMT treatments, but MS left me legally blind in one eye and some fear for the future. For the years between my first symptoms and diagnosis, I lost most of my friends because I didn't have the energy to join them for social activities on most occasions and eventually they stopped calling, as expected. At the time, it was a relief since I always felt stress and guilt over declining their invites. I struggled with fatigue, depression, and anxiety for over 15 years and only realized it was my MS once I began my DMT three years ago. A few months after my first infusion, it was like a light switch had turned off my chronic symptoms and allowed my brain to recover a bit . My diagnosis was a vindication and relief since I had blamed myself for losing contact with my friends all those years. Once I began recovering, I'm glad to say that I was able to reconnect with a lot of them and share my story.

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

I’m pleased this resonated with you. And delighted some of your symptoms improved!

[@ReactionShot]

I've had two very hard periods in my life. In both those instances, the speed with which my "friends" suddenly stopped returning my calls was stunning and heartbreaking. I've always prided myself on not being such a person. I do my best to be there when my friends are having a hard go of it. Now, many people who I once considered close friends are now nothing but distant acquaintances.

[@mrsimo7144]

My guess is that you are an empath? These people are becoming more and more rare. Be proud of yourself because I am. You're brilliant! ❤🫶

[@Turtlpwr]

12:15 as someone who experienced a lot of loss and grief, I’ve learned that some people just can’t handle being there for someone going through something hard. Like he said, they aren’t bad people, just can’t handle it. I’ve learned to accept that and love them still even though they are no longer in my life.

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Very brave, strong of you. I still aspire to be a better person, friend, colleague to people and I’m hoping to inspire that in others too…

[@janvining6301]

Yes its very true that your friends can all disappear. I was diagnosed in 91, had my house repossessed in 92. All my friends were nowhere to be seen at this time, or again. Thankfully in 93 I met, for me, the most wonderful man in the world, who helps me with my daily battles with MS.

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Yay for the second half…

[@janvining6301]

@@markwebbdoesms2271 Yes life is now good

[@debraindxb]

I am sorry you went through all that. My daughter is 22, has had MS since 18 and we hope she will someday find the "one."

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

@@debraindxb I am sure she will. Given the advance in treatments since my time, MS may still be horrible and scary. But your daughter’s prognosis is likely so much better. But I hope I have shown life can still be fabulous…

[@debraindxb]

@@markwebbdoesms2271 Thank you for your kind words, Mark

[@IslandLife273]

Thank you for this. I’ve been ill for over 10’years. Every single friend has left me. I have no one but family and they don’t understand. The fatigue and illness is horrible but my heart hurts. I’ve lost my health, working and my friends and I grieve everyday for the person I was and the friends I’ve lost. I’m only here for my children and if I didn’t have them I’d quite happily take a few pills.

[@q-cumber]

So sorry about your situation. Hope you can find people and a community who does understand and accept you. We can't control how other people treat us, if they come and go, and what they think of us. But we can control what we do in this moment and hopefully do things that can change our situation. Without controlling that, any outcome would be left up to chance alone. Best wishes to you, hope things will get better for you. Everyone is their own best friend. Be there for you.

[@iracemaorozco1798]

So sorry. I feel your pain, yet don’t faint into it. You only need one god friend. I pray God sends you one. 🙏❤️🙏

[@IslandLife273]

@@q-cumber bless you and thank you for your kind words they are very true

[@IslandLife273]

@@iracemaorozco1798 thank you 🙏🏻

[@amryan7571]

Thank God you have children that’s more than I have. ❤

[@HTHTNT77]

Thank you for this talk. I had a lot of people vanish with a cancer diagnosis and also when my mental health deteriorated after losing 3 people I really cared about and my job. My partner left me when all this happened and it was an emotionally abusive relationship. If you see someone who’s going through it, show up. It can change someone’s life. Going through these challenges alone is extremely painful. We need each other. Thank you again for talking about such an important topic.

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

My pleasure. I really should have included mental health in my little list...

[@mrsimo7144]

I hope you are okay and things are getting better for you. ❤️ 🫶🙏

[@maryannribble3254]

Thank you for saying the uncomfortable truths ! I have been shocked by those whom have said they care about me and my husband - that since things started falling apart for each of us and we each developed more serious PTSD and health / general challenges - those whom I never thought would have disappeared … and blame me for it .

[@rickb1387]

You always realize who. Your real friends are when you go through tough times. The real friends are still there. Real friends will tell you if you have a booger visible, food hanging on your face or normal things that we all face. Hardship is the best way to discover who your friends are.

[@GungaLaGunga]

"no body knows you when you are down and out" - a lot of Blues songs

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Not the song, but ‘until’ you are down and out would be more appropriate…

[@GungaLaGunga]

@@markwebbdoesms2271 it's fascinating that behavior is true. reflected in music and other art. I wonder what the evolutionary heck is going on with that. weird behaviors.

[@Zamilan]

Increasing the quality of our relationships in life is one of the major deciding factors of satisfaction within our lives. Bravo to this speaker and his transparency, it might help us win a Nobel Peace Prize yet.

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Yay!

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Thanks everyone for your lovely comments so far!

[@GGoAwayy]

Thank you for an important talk and being so candid. But also for relating how the symptoms crept up on you and how easy it was to rationalize it all away. Its really a frog being slowly boiled situation, its too easy to see everything in isolation and miss the connecting thread. And everyone healthy generally has an "it couldn't happen here" attitude with regard to their own bodies (and minds). But we are all at the mercy of our environment as we live our lives. And sometimes the ticking time bomb was there from the beginning as well. But very few can count on perfect health until one day when they experience a sudden, painless death. At some point it needs to be considered whats worth it from a quality of life point of view. Its amazing we live in an age where so many disabilities are no longer a death sentence, or even something that makes living an outgoing and social life impossible. I hope one day, thanks to discoveries and inventions, everyone with a disability is able to do anything they would otherwise be able to do, and then we will need to think up a new term for it since there will be a workaround for everything. Maybe instead of disabled it will just be the severely hassled or the extremely inconvenienced.

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Partly why I campaign so hard. For my children and hopefully grandchildren to live better, healthier lives...

[@drdarshiniannadezoysa980]

I had cancer 3 times and my mother died of it. I would inform my friends so they know they did not need to go out with me again for 2 years. My best friend was my hairdresser who cut my hair before I went bald each time. I now have the same problems with a damaged vagus nerve, from my brain, spine, feet and gullet. My husband had an affair with a relative when I was on chemo. This is only a flake of the tip of the iceberg. Ouyeatdly I still do everuthing to help others as my areas ate poverty reduction, refugees, emergency relief and disaster management and lecturing. My office was bombed. I know I will be dead meat if they die or win as I am not needed anymore. Includes Governments and the UN.

[@MatttMan]

definition of a beautiful, Man and Human…love ya, Mark

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Cheers!

[@angelalequenne5193]

Thanks Mark, beautifully said, as always. And with your usual humour that helps convey even the most challenging truth.

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Thanks Angela. You realise given the date my story started, you have only ever known me with MS?

[@mrsimo7144]

Thanks for the talk. 35 years of chronic fatigue. You're doing brilliant work. Keep up the great work. ❤️ 🫶

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Zzzz indeed. I need to push on… Mark

[@fireflythinking1290]

The calmness in his voice is very soothing

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Thank you!

[@eboltv3256]

Salute to Mr. Mark Webb❤

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Thank you!

[@msdrunkuk]

Mark, I follow you on LinkedIn and this is the first Ted Talk of yours I have watched. It made me cry, simply because you said it very eloquently we are no different, don't feel awkward around us just be our friend.

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

I hope it was 'good cry'...

[@msdrunkuk]

@@markwebbdoesms2271 for sure x

[@dthed11ms]

I've lost the job I loved. Those who loved me left me. I'm wondering if they've ever been my friends. Possible. But none of them wanted the "broken" one. I'm thinking, what has changed, they didn’t NEED me anymore. I would have to ask them. I was helpful until I couldn't be helpful anymore, and that's why all the friendship collapsed.

[@GGoAwayy]

Time to make some new, better, friends.

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Hope you find better times… Mark

[@dthed11ms]

@markwebbdoesms2271 thank you. Wishing you well, much love and happiness.

[@GungaLaGunga]

Hi what you wrote resonates with me. idk if this is helpful but Prof. Sam Vaknin touches a lot on dealing with people who take, but don't recipricate EVER in relationships. These personality types are incapable of giving and difficult to deal with, fakers and pathological liars. I always thought womething was wrong with me, and sometimes it is my own behaviors, but these are difficult people to deal with. And they can't help themselves. They will not change because their brain is programmed not to. They don't even know they have serious issues. Let's just call them maladapted people. So you have to manage them like radioactive materials, or even better, just stay away from them. But you will encounter these people often in life, especially in the work domain. So best learn how to deal with them, to spot them quicker, and put firewalls up to keep these people from using you. Just my two cents. Be well.

[@chantelle1654]

I really needed to hear this today thank you Mark. Please keep raising our profile ❤

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Will do! Thank you...

[@mairimacdonald1973]

Brilliant- I think the phrase “uncomfortable with the uncomfortable” is just so true. Great talk 😍

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Thank you, so pleased it resonated!

[@worket_uk]

Loved this Mark! I really enjoyed the hair, the suit and the message. The silver lining - if people do drift - it's just making some space for better people, or more time for those that matter. MS sure does teach you humility in a pretty savage way (MS also teaches you an extraordinary amount about the nervous system, brain and adjectives to describe pins and needles). LB x

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Yes, absolutely. You are left with more empathy and a few great people. Giving you the downtime you need…

[@acdocx86]

I have to say....I wanted the guy to come to the point much quicker or basically to give less backstory and more on how his dynamics with his friends & colleagues changed.... Life dealt him a very harsh blow and that's putting it unbelievably mildly. And maybe he still has a lot of ongoing inner turmoil - but he's able to put up a remarkably resolute exterior. He also has a pretty soothing manner while speaking. He is definitely an inspirational guy! But for me esp who can really relate HARD with the subject of this TED talk, I feel the way to talk on this issue is to address it right off the bat and then expound on it thereafter - not spend half the time discussing your medical history which, while being crushing to listen to, is not germane to the topic at hand....

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Fair enough and a good call. I’m a professional public speaker used to speaking for longer on ‘traditional’ DEI topics. A TEDx talk is a special and different skill, but MS is so bloody complex I felt I needed to establish my credentials strongly first. Mark

[@kfiggitt]

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU Mark for a compelling, engaging and powerful message!

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

My pleasure!

[@kylaodonnell5016]

Hi mark, wonderful words and so true in every way. I could really relate to everything you were saying. It’s true you realise who people really are in times of need. I have been so surprised the people I thought would help are totally absent and people who I Hardly knew have been amazing. Your video will help so many people thank you. Wonderful company that you work for they did exactly the right thing 👍🙏

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Yes indeed they did. Sadly too rare!

[@ellen823ful]

Thank you 😊. I promise to be more empathetic towards others.

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Hurrah!

[@michellewareham4040]

Thank you ❤

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

My pleasure. Mark

[@Natalia-c6q]

Thank you so much! You have opened my eyes!

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

A pleasure!

[@shrikantgaikwad4219]

This channel helps me a lot to improve my English. Thank you so much

[@MuhammadHassan-tf4rd]

Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.” - .

[@crystalclink]

So true.

[@KITEMAFISTON-nf8um]

Woow!! Thank you Mark

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

My pleasure!

[@Fam_life_travel1]

Thank u , it was usefull story to human . Now I opened another side of disability people ...

[@Advita20]

Love this Mark! Thank you for sharing your story ❤

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Ta Advita!

[@PriscillaOjong-tw6xn]

Amazing story mark

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Thank you young Priscilla!

[@112233JORDAN]

If you are a guy, it's "nobody cares, work harder." We cant show emotions, and no one is coming to save us.

[@Ronaldteerump]

not even our familys, we ARE the rescue team.

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Not in my household/ environment…

[@willsmom93]

About 35 years ago, I gave birth to premature twins who died the next day. Each year, around the time of their birth in September, people seem to be walking on eggshells near me. They know what day it is. I certainly do. However, no one mentions them. It’s is as if they never existed.

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

I’m so sorry, Mark…

[@Mkbshg8]

Really important message, top man.

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Thank you so much! Mark…

[@heatherconnery1296]

Thank you for sharing this, thank you for helping others thrive

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

I enjoyed it! Thank you…

[@RelightAlopecia]

Fantastic as always - so open, and honest 🎉

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

That’s the way to do it!

[@helenerobinson8807]

Thanks Mark. I needed that❤

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

A pleasure!

[@DianaMaasdam]

Beautiful story ❤

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Thank you...

[@lanabanana6849]

Thank you for this important message.I am definitely going to reach to some of my Former. colleagues.

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Yay!

[@SherifaNakalema]

Thanks🎉

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

My pleasure!

[@JamesKovacic]

People are selfish. Many would rather continue protecting their own peace than risk having their illusions of happiness challenged

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Sadly yes. Mark

[@vivendocomparkinson]

Sad but true 😢 also for Parkinsonians

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Oh I’m sure! Mark…

[@GraceAnastasia]

This was beautiful ❤

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Thanks Grace!

[@GraceAnastasia]

@@markwebbdoesms2271 no problem, many people in my family have MS so I relate to this a lot 🥰🙏🏽

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Four views away from 40,000!

[@blackwatch1062]

True and honourable friends do not drift away willingly at least , if nothing else their memory endures ... :>P

[@nadianemes]

Reason why people suffering from this kind of things is the myth of friendship, love and, finally, life. Everyone should be ready to lost everything every second and should know that nobody cares (never cares). Truth is the only cure.

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

A pretty grim view!

[@catmink]

Amazing 🙏

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Thank you!

[@GGoAwayy]

My first thought is that red shaggy circular throw rug he's expected to be on isn't very wheelchair friendly, is it?

[@jasond.b-w]

I wouldn’t think so. I don’t have any rugs, carpets, small mats, etc. in my house at all-but it might be different for different people with different levels of ability. It looks like he’s in a manual chair; I’m in an electric one. Someone with more control over their arms and core in a manual chair might be able to pop up onto it no problem. I think it’s unnecessary either way though and I hope no one made a big deal to figure how to get him onto it!

[@driaw7104]

I think it's to secure stability

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

I was pushed onto the carpet. So no worries...

[@magicone1386]

Humans love only their hard times

[@eboltv3256]

❤❤

[@markwebbdoesms2271]

Woohoo, 32,000 views. Please please like, comment and share. I am having some lovely feedback re conversations finally happening. Messages being sent. Phones being picked up...

[@abkala9899]

Because life happens.

[@DystopianUtopia8]

😂 yes that's it...

[@drumbum3.142]

Increasingly; I've been surprised - if not stunned, and perhaps disillusioned at times by the words and deeds of others. And I am Anything but perfect myself. Lol 😆🤣😂😅😆😅😂😂😂. I have increasingly leaned on Art and Music in good times and in bad. This can be found in just about any facet and detail of life, including those (people) we rub elbows with on a day to day basis. Not sure about anyone else - but I Look to .. Celebrate and Emphasize those stories in life that are (full of) Empathy, Detail, and/or Intellegence. What is Intellegence, one may ask ?. (I'd say) it's Hugging and Kissing like you mean it.