Why Does Toxic Shame Flare Up After A Breakup With An Avoidant Partner

[@KatyaMorozova]

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[@SuzieNewzie]

The only thing I’m ashamed of is that I was with a toxic avoidant!

[@DZ-jz8bj]

Hahaha love this comment.

[@nilesengerman8263]

Dismissive avoidant post break-up gaslighting.

[@DZ-jz8bj]

Exactly!

[@Wandering841]

Do you know other anxiously attached people who don't suffocate the avoidant with texts and overkill? I keep my obsessive thoughts to myself, regardless of it being said that even at a distance, a dismissive will " sense it".

[@ninasacks1980]

I consider myself to be quite anxiously attached, although I've done a lot of work to heal towards secure (and quite honestly, when I am in a relationship with somebody who leans more secure, I actually don't really have much anxious traits.). That being said, I totally relate to what you say, it's really stuff that's happening internally for the most part and my bids for connection and request to get my needs met Are generally very gentle and probably lean towards too passive/not demanding. I am very comfortable with doing my own thing, I've lived alone for 12 years, and I actually really enjoy being by myself and I enjoy missing my partner and I enjoy seeing someone maybe 2 to 3 times a week, have lots of friends and want him to have the same on his own separate from me. I will never even double text much less triple text or send 50 texts in a row and when I spiral out, it really is something that I am just keeping to myself internally. So one, I hope that makes you feel a little more seen and two, it actually makes me feel seen to read your comment because a lot of times when you read about anxious attachment is these very overkill, protest behaviors, and I'm not shaming those at all, but you can definitely have anxious attachment, and not engage in those types of behaviors. It doesn't mean we don't have things to work on but yes… I totally relate.

[@loudan7995]

Hello Katya, I like the way you clearly explain things in your videos ! I met a fearful avoidant a few months ago and we had a very good connection. I left her my number then and she called me after 8 months, then we had a very passionate intimate relationship for a month. Then she stopped contacting me suddenly and when i tried to insist on knowing why she did that she said there was nothing between us and that i should stop contacting her. I didn't know at that time she is a fearful avoidant. I don't believe she had no feelings for me, on the contrary. Do you suggest i forget about her ?

[@Frederiekje221]

Yes, and consider yourself lucky you got off this lightly. Or ignore this advice and in months or years look back and wish, wish that you had listened. You're in for a hell of drama and it will make you a shell of s human being, one who neglected all his other priorities and paid the price for it.

[@loudan7995]

@@Frederiekje221 What makes you think i 'll ignore your advice ?

[@sukiarts]

I think in this case is a red flag if she took that long to call you. It seems that she was feeling lonely and used you to feel validated and better about herself.

[@danieleddie2873]

I need advice. I have been dating avoidant for 4 months and after conversation about feelings, relationship etc, we decided to give it time and take it slow, then she started to distance herself, she was still in contact but was avoiding meeting up and was postponing dates for the whole month playing with my time. So I decided to say goodbye in a respectful way, she suggested to meet from time to time, but I said that im not interested in seeing each other once per 1/2 months and that she can reach out to me when she feels like she wants to renew our relation. Now I am in NC for over a week and she has upcoming birthday, should i break NC or hold to what i said?

[@Khiarika1]

If you can honestly say that you're reaching out to her not with hope that her behavior will change (which is unlikely), I would say go ahead. Put yourself first. Reach out if it benefits or doesn't harm you. Don't if it would hurt you.

[@TraianTeodor]

It won't make any difference. She won't change her mind or become a different person because you are a "nice guy" and wish her a happy birthday. This is not a chess game. You are trying to control the interaction instead of controlling your feelings. And controlling your feelings doesn't mean you should suppress them. You should ask yourself why you keep thinking about this person when you guys are clearly not compatible. Stop doing no contact, stop overthinking, stop putting her on a pedestal, stop tip toeing. If you still want to be with her, just contact her and be as pushy as possible, as needy as possible, as communicative as possible, ask her if she wants to be with you on your own terms. Most probably she will reject you but there you have your answer. After that you can move on, close the chapter, focus on yourself. Right now you are emotionally unavailable for other girls that might be a good fit for you. And go to a therapist to investigate if you have a rejection or an abandoned wound (like I and many other guys have)

[@sukiarts]

I wonder if you have an update on your situation. Took me many rejections from avoidants to understand why I'm attracted and why I invest in relationship with them, even when it's clearly one sided. It's a very toxic dynamic and can make you anxious in a matter of seconds, you could be the most secure person ever, but when they neglect you, you feel so abandoned that wonders why this is happening to you. You even start questioning your value and slowly lose yourself.

[@danieleddie2873]

@@sukiarts well, I didn't reach out, later on my friend told me she found a boyfriend, took me a while to process that but im completely over it now, in total 3 months since the last contact

[@DZ-jz8bj]

Why dont u say the truth? The only reason why WE are the one feeling like "we messed up the connection/ relationship / friendship is because the avoidant take no accountability, nothing! Therefore the weight of it fall on us. They are not self aware and so they think they did nothign wrong and it is only us who messed up. This is so sick manipulation.

[@user-mt2co8ip4u]

You would probably feel like this if a secure broke up with you too. Take some self accountability and try to feel better in yourself

[@caroshmarow]

OMG - I didn’t know that TS was a thing. I’m in a negative neural loop 🔂 Excruciating. Have been unable to get out of bed for days now. Thanks for this - it’s really helpful. Just subscribed ❤

[@KatyaMorozova]

Hi! Yes, the more accurate psychological term is “chronic shame”. I used the term “toxic shame” here because it’s more popular, and therefore more searchable. : ) Thank you for subscribing, and for watching my video. I’m glad you found it helpful. And I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a challenging time right now. 🙏