7 Tips to Get Over A Breakup: Anxious Attachment

[@clarefraser1503]

Thank you. I just heard yesterday that my husband of 20 years is leaving me. He's avoidant and hasn't coped with my need for care after my brother's suicide a year and a half ago. I fainted when he told me. It's abandonment during the worst time of my life.

[@monadegiovanni3878]

I’m so sorry. My husband of 30 years told me yesterday he’s had enough of my drama and is leaving me. The pain is unbearable. Don’t know how I’m going to continue living

[@clarefraser1503]

@monadegiovanni3878 I'm so sorry to hear that you too are suffering like this. We will get through this.

[@alkaiable]

You are in my prayers..the universe has your backs...have faith and believe in your inner strength...

[@clarefraser1503]

@@alkaiable Amazing, thank you

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

I'm truly sorry to hear about the immense pain you're going through. The loss of a loved one and now facing a separation-it's unimaginable how difficult this must be for you. In a situation like this, the feelings of abandonment can be overwhelming, especially when you need support the most. Please consider seeking professional help during this critical time; you don't have to go through it alone. Your feelings are valid, and it's crucial to prioritize your well-being right now. Take each day as it comes, and surround yourself with people who can offer emotional support. 💔🌹

[@mina8XO]

This brought me more comfort than any of the 100099900s videos ive watched since my breakup 4 weeks ago. Thank u, thank u, thank you

[@hgzmatt]

Honestly, there is nothing more painful than this. But thankfully it does get easier, my first breakup made me fall apart, this one was a lot more gradual but my recent ex has also been very gentle with me and didn't just disappear. With experience you learn to handle your fear of abandonment and the rumination gets manageable also.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for commenting and sharing your experience. Much appreciated.🙏❤️

[@iiAngelic]

How are you coping to help it get easier? How are you handling fear of abandonment?

[@hgzmatt]

@@iiAngelic You build up a support network, so that when it falls apart you are not losing your everything. That's a big one I think. Don't neglect everyone while you are in the relationship. And also learning to self soothe and realize that no matter what, you'll be ok. This not only helps in the relationships, but also after.

[@peaceofmindofpeace1650]

I wish it would get easier. It's even more painful bc this time the person was more decent/respectful than what I experienced before. Atm I feel like I failed :( I know it will pass and I take good care of myself regardless of my mental state but it hurts. It's sunny today and I felt it would have been great to go for a walk with him. Then I even hope we are still connected and he was thinkng the same.it feels like he completely forgets about me which is not rational bc he said he wpuld be sad to never talk or see me again. Yet he went quiet after saying "we will talk more!"

[@hgzmatt]

@@peaceofmindofpeace1650 Yeah if they are a decent person it makes it hard to demonize them. I feel you. I am not sure which is worse.. never talking to them again or seeing them all the time and getting reminded. They are both quite painful. Right now it's probably in your best interest to not talk because there is nothing to be done, he made his decision and you need to heal. Maybe you can take someone else on a walk or do other things? Hit up your friends and don't spend all the time obsessing over what happened. I know it's hard.

[@sharvarimusic993]

I feel really cared for watching you talk about being patient with oneself. Thank you this has been very particularly helpful for us anxious attachment style people.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

I'm so glad to hear that you found the video helpful! It's always my goal to provide support and guidance to those who need it. Thank you for watching!

[@dustin7405]

I’m the one that broke up with him because of cheating, and I just miss him so much and want to be friends. This really helped me calm those feelings of reaching out and feel like I’ll be ok. If it’s meant to be it will be, if not, at least I’ll be healed in the future and able to accept it.

[@Lotusawj]

that is symptom control. This is your fear talking. You have “ended “ the relationship? (I think he did through cheating)... But your behavior does not reflect this. you are fooling yourself and your ex. Let go and look for solutions for the emptiness/fear, or be honest that you miss him and like to see if you both want the relationship (my humble opinion).

[@dustin7405]

@@Lotusawj You’re reading way too much into a strangers comment. The solution is not contacting him and learning to make myself happy and improve myself to be a better person and move forward. If “symptom control” keeps you from going backwards then that is good. I’m not fooling anyone, and I don’t want anyone back.

[@dustin7405]

@@Lotusawj You’re right, he ended it through cheating. But I didn’t leave because ego. I left because someone who truly loves someone wouldn’t betray them like that, and if they did they would want to fix things. I gave him the chance to fight for me, and he didn’t. So I’m moving on. It’s normal to get the urge to want to reach out after a breakup, and it’s normal to watch videos like this to help you move past and understand those feelings. The “solution” is to keep moving forward and improve my life and try and stay positive. I’m not fooling my ex, because I don’t talk to my ex. I’m not fooling myself, because I know it’s over and know I need to move on. It’s normal to want to go back, but it’s important to keep your progress going and not go back to someone that hurt you. If he wants to apologize and be friends, he can do that on his own at a time of his choosing. If he doesn’t want to, then that’s not in my control. That doesn’t mean I can’t feel empty and sad until I heal. That’s part of healing.

[@honeymoney23]

i don't think i can go no contact for that long. but I will definitely practice the rest of these tips! Thank you Briana!

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

It's completely understandable if going no contact for that long feels challenging. The important thing is to focus on practicing the other tips and making progress at your own pace. Sending big hugs!

[@Canwegetawhoohoo]

I just want to stop fantasizing. I beat myself up by saying i pushed him away..i wasnt enough fun. I just wanted to be respected and comforted, he did this with his ' female friends' I was just an option. He called everyday but always on his time. Im conflicted. Was he good or was i an option? He had 48 woman from different countries blocked on his phone. I never felt special. Im just picturr him witj someone else going to travel ect. All the things we could do. I just felt like i was never enough

[@HerVirgoness]

I picture him being with someone else and doing things I want, which drives me insane.

[@soldieroftafari]

I just has a short term mild thing end. It showed me what work I have yet to do as far as being an anxious attatcher. Thank you for this. It wasnt a great fit between us two, but it was still the most consistent thing ive had in a long time, and I feel the loss over the intimacy.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

I appreciate your openness in sharing your experience. The end of a relationship, no matter how brief, can create a sense of loss that's tough to navigate. It's insightful of you to recognize how this situation has illuminated aspects of your anxious attachment style. The intimacy you had, even if the fit wasn't perfect, can leave a void, and that's okay to acknowledge. Your self-awareness is a gift that will serve you well as you move forward. Thank you for connecting and sharing your journey. 💕

[@mildly1990]

I can never measure up to his ex and my anxious attachment makes me stop liking myself and think I am the problem. I have to come here and committed to myself that I can do it and that I can’t change myself but I can heal

[@sum1uvilneverknow]

I feel little better after watching this video.

[@mjbitz]

My conundrum is that while I don’t hesitate to initiate no contact but during that time (for my DA it usually takes him a month to reach out) bc I’m already struggling w/depression and anxiety I tend to ruminate and not work on my goals 😢😢

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for watching and sharing a bit of your experience. It might help to know that rumination as a sign that your energy has escaped to the head, and it is attempting to mitigate the anxiety you feel by keeping you distracted with content of the mind; the best way to break that cycle is to physically activate yourself. Create a pattern interrupt by moving your body, which will shift the energy response.

[@mjbitz]

@@brianamacwilliam.attachment tysm for replying! I appreciate it as well as your numerous videos giving solid advice! Also sorry for the typos lol I have decided to dedicate the next few days I have off work to re-organize my home. I’ve noticed when I re-organize and re-decorate it helps to recalibrate me mentally! I would also like to say that I appreciate that you also incorporate spirituality into your teachings. I am stepping into my spiritual journey and have noticed that it has been helping me with my self improvement as well. I love your nuanced and empathetic approach 💕

[@matteorayner4273]

Thank you for this video, it’s really validating to know that I’m not crazy! Having an avoidant partner leave after 14 years is not easy. I feel for anyone going through what I’m going through. I’ve just signed up for piano lessons which I’ve been putting off for years so time to do me for a while!

[@joea1377]

Thank you Briana. This is comforting to me. 😊

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

I'm glad to hear that you found comfort in my video. It means a lot to me that I could help you in some way.

[@andreacoutts4840]

Thank you for this video. It helps a lot.

[@mn9120]

16:50 is beautifully said. 18:45 indeed. 19:40 Thank you!

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

I’m glad you found this helpful!

[@maryhartley512]

Im 61 my dismissive avoidant broke up with me because he said he isnt in love with me. Im heartbroken, how can it take ,15 month to say hes never loved me, he said he cant find sny fault eith me and he will probably regret his decision. I don't understand if i have no faults why end it. Any advice appreciated

[@G-raa-c2k]

I am so sorry to know this. No you won't find any answers because there aren't any. You are a perfectly good person I am sure and we all have shortfalls so this doesn't justify his shifty attitude don't over think. Try to move on. Don't. He never valued you whichever way you are. I m going through something different but ending things isn't easy even if we do it like me

[@Gshockmaniac1]

Just know that the DA who hasn’t gone through core work in their inner child is only reacting to his own internal trauma. The key word here is, “his own.” I was a DA but have done a tremendous about of core trauma work using EMDR and healing and moving to secure attachment. I will share some insight with hopes not to give you the DA answer, but why the DA’s do what they do. The DA is not fully capable of being vulnerable and I can assure you, he is hurting deeply. This is because a DA cycles their logic versus emotions. Meaning, they want to “be loved” but when they are in a relationship, I recalled always being in my head and overthinking what was going on in this relationship. I never felt like I was good enough for her. She is going to hurt me. I am scared of her. DA’s are good at being emotionless and often have characteristics of a narcissist. However, DA’s are actually emotional beings but tend to grieve when alone of unless their logic interferes. DA’s use logic over emotions in most cases. For me, when I was younger, I was emotionally and physically abused by my father. I was called, stupid, dummy, and got whipped a lot. I was sent to my room to “think about my actions.” My father would never come in the room afterwards to talk to me about what I did wrong. I was simply ignored. Overtime, you start to create your own logic to solve your own problems. This is where the “independence” comes from. As an adult, being criticized for example, use to trigger me. I would immediately “shut down.” I would put my guard up. I didn’t want to talk about my feelings. Unfortunately, this behavior leads to being passive aggressive and I would often project that criticism later. It wasn’t fair to my GF. You see, as a child. We are all programmed. Surly, you had a role in this reasoning but for a DA, they are in shut down. Eventually, they will miss you and be overwhelmed. Because the cycle is they want to be loved, once they are loved, they are scared to be vulnerable, they then shut down and start withdrawing and then they run. They are aware of what they are doing but for me, I don’t know why I did it. I just always behaved that way. It was only until I realized I had PTSD and I know understand all the pain and hurt and put my past relationships through. I am sorry you are experiencing this but I have to say, if the DA isn’t willing to put the work in, you are truly better off without them. Because their cycle continues and you deserve all the happiness in the world, Mary!

[@iamworthyofhappiness]

Well done at doing the work moving on from DA to Secure! I discovered I am anxiously attached. I just broke up with a DA after trying for months to win her back when she abruptly broke up with me and I feel the pain big time. I wish for her one day to realise her pattern and to do the work because despite the core wound, I know she is a beautiful person, so it saddens me that because of our core wounds, we end up hurting. I have started working on myself for over 3 years now, last year being the biggest drastic change when I started therapy. Now that I know I am anxiously attached, I also have something else to work on. I am also glad to read that EMDR helped you. My therapist is specialised in EMDR. I haven't had any sessions yet because I am still in the process of regulating my emotions before getting deep but I am looking forward to it. Thanks for you words. You are inspiring@@Gshockmaniac1 All the love. All the power.

[@MaryJoBiebelhausen-See]

Look up Kenda Ruth The Hero's Journey about midlife crisis.

[@Weismant81]

They don’t understand all of their feelings, especially love. I’m sorry he used those words but don’t allow him to bring you down like that. I suggest following the steps in this video…… they are allowing me to move on.

[@muttervonkatzen]

How do you do no contact when you have to live together and have to coparent????

[@jamie-r2034]

That's a tough one. My ex didn't even ask me to move out but I left that evening and went back to my parents place. If she didn't want to be with me, then she gets no more benefits from me. Kind of embarrassing at 42 years old to be back with my 77 year old parents but I'm able to bank each pay check and can do whatever I want now. I got into the gym, only have to cook for myself, and don't contact her since I can call/text my daughter since she's 11. I see or take my daughter a few days a week and weekends but my ex will now send me angry texts bc I think she's getting a taste of what I was doing at home (cooking, cleaning, garbage, etc, etc) & she's seeing me going out & doing what I want. I don't have to do much of anything anymore. It's somewhat satisfying. lol

[@janverschuren593]

Thank you

[@magius-jo2gl]

I have a anxious attachment style "open heart" But I learned how to deal with it since I was a kid I immediately ghost the person mentally been doing this since all my life so why does someone get upset? I don't understand I tell them how and why and they get upset? but I respect their choice to dial back from romance and they want to be friends I can't have friends never have. so why do they get upset?

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m a little unsure of your question. If you mention that you mentally ghost someone, I think it would be expected that they would pull back romantically. It sounds like you are emotionally withdrawing from the relationship, and then wondering why it ends. In that case, it would be because you are fundamentally absent from it Already. Part of healing from this is realizing that who you are as lovable and desirable and someone who really wants to be your friend or partner is not going to respond well if you emotionally remove yourself. It doesn’t make you less needy or less of a burden, it just makes you absent and then the person who wants to love you can’t connect with you and now they feel like they are unlovable, and like they are burden to. This is how the pain that we experienced gets passed on to others, if we believe the negative self stories, it gives us.

[@SagarSingh-c9o]

I took ample amount of no contact with ex,my ex is my 7 years long friend. Recently i texted my ex not to get back to her life but to know how is she doing and all... But her current bf didn't liked it and made her forcefully say in a call that she wouldn't be able to talk to me... Is it my problem that i texted her?? She is my one of the best friend i have and indeed my first female friend but her bf won't allow. I kinda feel so low, i am the problem or what idk i just need help

[@colin.737]

I feel like i am very avoidant in the relationship. I avoid intimacy, vulnerability abd expressing my emotions. But in a breakup i get very anxious and it crushes me in all aspects of my life. But then i go into full on self repair mode, working out etc. But i still cant stop thinking of her unless ingaged in an activity to distract me. I was in a 8 year marriage that didnt affect me at all emotionally. But now recently got broken up after a 4 month relationship with another anxious or fearful (not quite sure) and I'm a mess.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Thanks for sharing your experience. It's fascinating how different relationships can elicit such varying emotional responses from us, isn't it? It sounds like you've identified a pattern where you keep your emotional guard up in relationships but find yourself overwhelmed by anxiety during a breakup. The fact that an 8-year marriage didn't emotionally impact you, while a 4-month relationship did, speaks to how unpredictable our emotional landscapes can be. Engaging in self-improvement activities like working out is a positive step but it's also worth exploring why certain relationships trigger such strong feelings. It might be beneficial to dive deeper into understanding your own emotional patterns, maybe through introspection or even professional guidance. It could be a valuable step toward forming more emotionally balanced relationships in the future. Take care!

[@peaceofmindofpeace1650]

Same, feeling devastated after 4 months dating a man who told me he likes me a lot but it's a bad timing and he is emotionally unavailable. I'm feeling depressed and the loss hurts. Meanwhile torturing myself if I ruined it bc I expressed my hurt feelings bc he would go quiet for 3 or 4 days and it made me feel confused. Very painful bc it felt unique and harmonious when we were spending time together. I'm just on my couch watching these video's and no energy to even move. I miss him I feel rejected and stupid stepped on my heart too bc I was sweet and he gives up easily.

[@colin.737]

It gets better! I'm 5 months post breakup now and still have thoughts of her. They go quiet because there is someone else in the picture. I deserve better, and you do as well.

[@peaceofmindofpeace1650]

@@colin.737 Thanks for your reply. Just now he texted " we can talk next week after my work trip" but I don't want more triggers. He also initiated on dating exclusivity after 1 month so I started to open up to developing the connection. Someone else in the picture hmm ouch lol, perhaps. He was kind of distant from the start, wanting to take it easy. Fair enough but I never met this variant of attitude. Respectful but also as if he approaches me as a business case. In person he is affectionate, held my hand and saying he was happy to see me. In between dates less communication. I think I will tell him I rather not talk again to repeat the same conversation. Wishing you well, it's harder when we felt a rare good energy. Time is our healing friend in this case 😊 Edit and indeed we deserve someone who appreciates us equally. I had that thought in my mind daily "i deserve better". Mostly it's our own inner voice telling us this is not good for our wellbeing.

[@colin.737]

Hey! Sorry I don't mean to imply that someone else is in the picture. I don't want to put possible negatives that may not be true. This was the case in my situation, and I believe is why she hasn't come back. But I am finally fine with that. I was so devastated for many months, and would've taken her back in a second. Now if she was to contact me I know more about my attachment style, and hers. And I know that things will not work out unless she's also worked on herself. Sometimes it's better to move on, then to go through that pain again but maybe worse. I wish you all the best. Time is your best friend, it's just also your worst nightmare right now. ❤