Why domestic violence victims don't leave - Leslie Morgan Steiner

Leslie Morgan Steiner was in "crazy love" -- that is, madly in love with a man who routinely abused her and threatened her life. Steiner tells the dark story of her relationship, correcting misconceptions many people hold about victims of domestic violence, and explaining how we can all help break the silence. (Filmed at TEDxRainier.)
Talk by Leslie Morgan Steiner.

[@mommynylah1719]

I'm just getting out of a domestic violence relationship I'm 20 years old and I have 2 kids and this talk really helped me

[@isabellaholden8997]

I hope you are doing OK and that life post the abusive relationship is going well for you. 👍🙏

[@dianachamberlain9934]

I listened to this a few years ago. Even though I was deeply embedded in an abusive marriage, I couldn’t see it. He had me believing it was all me. That I was mad and my behaviour was ruining the marriage. It’s only by luck I did not succeed at taking my own life. I now see all the ways he abused me and I’m horrified at how he twisted everything. I am his third divorce, and I tracked down his previous wife’s. He a serial abuser and thank god I can see him clearly now.

[@ConradW]

I don't want this turn into a men vs women thing, but it is important to point out that men are just as likely to be victims of intimate partner violence as women (although women are more likely to be injured by it). No one, man or woman, should have to countenance this blight - ever. She describes seeing herself as a strong person supporting her partner through difficulties, a delusion that many battered husbands also share. To speak out about abuse is something men especially need to do

[@EllisD1249]

i assumed he was abusive once she mentioned he was abused by his dad at a young age.

[@jcincinnati]

Leslie i'm so glad you got out! Great inspiration. love your message! Great luck to you an your new Family!

[@Skyfox94]

Wow... this talk is amazing.

[@Twinklesloveskylie]

This was very touching.

[@diabloakland]

I feel like I’m in a crisis. I’m 25 and been in this abusive relationship for 6 years

[@whiteinkpen]

Are you okay?

[@Sacred_Walls]

I hope you’ve made some changes.

[@thestorybehindthat5236]

Did you get out?

[@CJuntwait]

"We love the abuse because it makes us feel like we are needed" -Marilyn Manson

[@SawedOffLad]

This didn’t age well

[@py528]

Seriously LOLOL

[@vyshious]

She definitely addressed this point.

[@underloved1]

Before I got married to her I dated men. Yes I was gay! but at 23 I was brutally raped witch ended my gay life. Meet her. She was kind, affectionate, loving, she praised me, made me feel important to her, She had a loving family accepted me. What I didn`t have as a child, she did not hurt me, felt safe. That changed soon after. Made the same mistake you did hoping things would get better. She doesn't physically abuse me any more, scars on my wrist got noticed. Take anti-depressants now. Hurt.

[@foreveranne7888]

I somehow always make excuses to make it all okay in my head. 8 years I have been with him. living on a military base with my husband now, who thinks it’s okay to hurt me, he is usually drunk, strangles me, hurts me, slaps me, just a few hours ago he jumped on me straddling me on the couch grabbed my T shirt from behind and pulled so hard it hurt. Laughed, puked, and tomorrow will say that it never happened. Upstairs passed out. And I watch videos like this to make me understand that I don’t deserve it, that it’s not okay. He deploys next month. I think imma take the opportunity to start fresh, but my family is toxic and abusive. I’m scared, growing up I was abused in every way, I have no support....I don’t know what to do.

[@Bb96_]

How are you now love?

[@shan4334]

I hope your okay now x

[@bluemountain555]

Domestic violence victims simply showed extreme stupidity and idiocy to have married their bad, abusive spouses to begin with.

[@lastinglife4357]

I highly agree. Lol.

[@TeeKeo1]

point the finger at my parents.... I remember the day while taking anger management that I literally froze stone cold when we went over the definitions of abuse...because I ... i really don't feel like posting anymore of this on a youtube comment string... I initially replied because i agreed with the comment which stated that she gives us no clear resolution...as to what to do now.... I feel proud that I have isolated yet not broken the viscous cycle of abuse by isolation and countless...

[@puffolotti]

marriage is somehow dull. I mean, it may be wonderful, sweet, and many nice things but is "dull" No lightsabres battles, no stealing the travertine skull in some temple on Orinoco river, not killing serbian-zombies with a Y catapult. Girls that don't understand that before they are 15 are bound to either be seduced by manipulative dead beats Xor getting abused by their "lovers" people of both gender: Don't listen what your eggs tell you, they aren't in any way interested in your and theirself survival.

[@Italiaconformadebota]

Its just an example, the other half of the story she leaves out of the speech is irreleant. The fact is she is trying to aware pointing out the signs of an abuse and how to get out of one.

[@Ben-eh2bq]

When you finally gather up the courage to come forward to police the question they continue to repeat is, “if it’s so bad then why do you continue to stay”. And it’s sick because if the person already tried several times and the abuse got worse-that’s why they stayed. To end the threats, actions or try to at least live miserably but at least be alive.

[@Ben-eh2bq]

I stayed because my abuser broke my life and everything in it to the point of needing them to survive-and that was the goal of my abuser. I started off a normal person with a normal life. I’m not crazy. I didn’t stay because I wanted, I stayed because if not I’d loose even more.

[@underloved1]

Thank for your reply & concern. Have survived another close call. Placed myself under suicide watch had someone close to watch over me so I didn`t do it again.Therapy is still ongoing am still not out of danger. Living is still a pain. Upped the strength of my anti-depressants so I am stable enough to function socially. Cutting under control for now. How long I live depends on how people around me treat me. When others make me feel worthless for so long am believing they must be right. Sorry.

[@TeeKeo1]

my father gave it to me last night. I felt lucky because earlier yesterday i was trying to figure out how to pay for the cover to see an old highschool friend's band perform at a local club... i hesitated so much as to how I am going to make it through the whole performance with only ten dollars left in an establishment where they served beer... She did say shine a light on the abuse and so I am typing....

[@TeeKeo1]

also mention that according to my knowledge and experiences... that no one religion, nationality, income demographic etc,,,... has the resources to handle this epidemic abuse cycle to fix all of us "victims" & "abusers" .... glad you made it leslie... for now I am just another statistic to further your cause.... peace.

[@marti-greciaodalyz6875]

i agree! thank you-having been in a very abusive situation which cost me the loss of 3 front teeth-which were then implanted-i must say-swear by it that i didn't understand why an abuser as this man turned out to be-was very successful-well known-liked-respected & upheld as a pillar to society. the loss of my teeth was the last GREAT KNOCK ON MY HEAD-which caused me to get THE HELL away from this closet monster-however to this day i can't help wonder what had made him an abuser in the 1st place?

[@DontTouchMyCroissant]

My question is if the abuser even thinks of their victim as a victim. When she talks about "charming the victim", is the abuser really consciously thinking "I better be really nice to this girl for weeks and months so I can abuse her later"? That kind of sounds like super villain to me. I'd rather have heard a talk about why people abuse in the first place, because knowing that may help create fewer abusers, maybe?

[@ektaupadhyay903]

I would suggest you to read "why does he do this" by Lundy to answer your question

[@drivenhome]

THE DOMINANT PARTNER.. Boy does that hit home. Number one top clue and first time I've heard it. "No, baby, whatever you want, you wear the pants in this relationship" Seduce and Charm.. She's right, TELL everyone, I did. If you tell everyone you will get out fast.

[@underloved1]

Am sad to write that what you spoke of touches me deep inside. My dad was as you described violent. Once he beat my mom so bad she was bleeding from her mouth. I tried to stop him (FAILED!) pulled his pant leg he broadsided my chest & I flew 3 feet smack against a plaster wall I was 10. My big sister left when the beating started then came back with a biker friend who ended it. I vowed if I got married I would never do what he did. A vow I have kept. that vow will now cost me my life.

[@Sacred_Walls]

Why will that vow cost you your life?

[@TeeKeo1]

various forms of self abuse... why do i feel proud... because i am an only child... who was abused as a child... and i have isolated the victims of my abusive family's cycle by self isolation.... abusing myself... and people say I am beautiful and I do agree when I am having a good day but seriously... I have twenty bucks and I haven't moved much in a week... one last point to a very truthful, passionate and well versed speech... you mention we are everywhere....victims... but you fail to ...

[@TeeKeo1]

This was probably the longest tedtalktv video i've watched since i discovered tedtalktv... I started it... Paused it... had a cigarette... sent a message to a "friend" who used to show up at my door with a 24 case of strong beer uninvited or announced... I restarted the video... made it through the whole speech only stopping to get some milk and had another cigarette... I agree with what she says but I am clueless as to what to do now..i have twenty dollars at my dispense.

[@gabriellemaes4078]

I got out. But I had to do it alone. He was a manipulator and a total creep

[@Jahanam9994]

As far as shedding new light on an age-old question, I can agree with people saying this isn't ground breaking. But then again, I never knew what goes on in the minds of an abuse victim. Sometimes, the obvious eludes our conscious knowledge, and we need to be reminded of these things. Her video is specifically aimed towards understanding the victim, so if you came looking for anything else, I'm sorry to say you set yourself up for disappointment.

[@learnspeakthink]

All the world is difficult for women .I think the best message for video is :Don't leave ,there are no other ways.

[@underloved1]

Brian I was spared that task, God beat him for me. He died a while back. Didn't cry for him, didn't feel anything for him. Sad he was my father. Deprived of a normal childhood, of affection, of a normal family, normal life. My self worth took a dumper when I was jumped by 2 men & raped & left unconscious in an alleyway. Move away (to where?) Man up (How?) Loneliness will kill me just as well as a bullet. Caught between a rock & a hard place. Maybe only 1 way to end it. Thanks for trying. Bye.

[@Mumbolian]

I'm so disappointed to see that this video has dislikes.

[@misbahailia3345]

They're probably abusers. 💁‍♀️

[@sac12389]

a vast majority of abused are women by men. she was taking the convention- and the one she can relate to as a female abused by a male- to talk about it.

[@shayekillman9011]

those statistics around 10:15 seem high, but i bet are low estimates. domestic violence is sadly everywhere

[@unamaxify]

"he choked me & 5 days later i got married to him" 0_0 W.T.F ? you do that to me & your morning coffee is going to spiked with a fistful of sleeping pills

[@brandonparker6724]

My thoughts exactly -- especially at about 08:30 when she says "...and Connor used my anger as an excuse to put both of his hands around my neck..." She's leaving out an enormous part of that story.

[@brian4480]

Why... Make it your last unhappy one. Not your last one. And its not a defect. I don't know your story but dude.... your not a defect and you are worth something.

[@Ben-eh2bq]

I can gaurentee just a many men go through this as women but the only issue is when it’s a man-it’s not taken seriously. So stats of a man are not evident if no arrest is even made or even a police report

[@modulus365]

What do you mean by "Don't leave"? Didn't the speaker leave?

[@jona_ko208]

"Propaganda is a form of communication that is aimed towards influencing the attitude of the community toward some cause or position by presenting only one side of an argument. Propaganda is usually repeated and dispersed over a wide variety of media in order to create the chosen result in audience attitudes." i would classify this video as good propaganda. to your argument; she doesn't give a clear solution but she does warn people from getting in to that kind of relationship

[@rebeccahermes9970]

Yup it was Crazy Love. 👍

[@projectprometheous]

Why he did he do that?

[@skel760]

Because they don’t want to. They are women with choices and they choose to stay with him

[@prophet9240]

LOVE? Yeah, it's love right up until he says he's unemployed.... then it's GOODBYE!!!!!!!

[@TeeKeo1]

I have more to say... but I am clueless as to what choice to make now.. if i call my mom.. i will get the answering machine and she will most likely send an email much later.. my dad is already out with his daily friday activities... a retired police officer who no doubt abused the F' out of me both verbally and physically through the form of discipline. I know I was abused as a child.. and as an only child who is supposed to be thankful for this miracle we call life it is very hard to...

[@chriszablocki2460]

So, this is a social norm? And I'm on a watch list for comments on the internet? Roger.

[@HolyAvgr]

You do realize your sentence made no sense whatsoever, right? I even pointed that out for you.

[@Jahanam9994]

How so?

[@neokanzler]

Humiliation!

[@Iamchristaelaine]

Conner quit his job. Oh noooooo

[@sac12389]

said the guy who got rejected from community college.

[@underloved1]

Right now living makes no sense to me. Point out things all you want. I just don`t care. My final reply. I`m out of here!

[@brandonparker6724]

Yes, exactly! She makes her ex-husband out to be some kind of evil genius. I won't deny that she was trapped in the relationship, but it wasn't a trap that this "Connor" guy had painstakingly created.

[@sonnetxi]

Really? Astrology?

[@euangaul7712]

"Why would she stay?" It aggravates me that there's still this sexist assumption.

[@christopherwilliams8383]

My bro wouldn’t hurt a fly. His girlfriend, sister in law and mother in law conspired against him bc of a argument. Women don’t abuse the system!

[@patrickwhite8144]

Connor is not representative of the average male domestic abuser.

[@adamhalamka708]

V V V U.S.A. 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

[@adamhalamka708]

V V V U.S.A. 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

[@alexanderavgoulas4062]

Oh wow your husband told you not to wear make up or short skirts, and he dictates what you did? Sounds like you are the problem.

[@ykMMD]

Sounds like you have the worst comprehension skills ever lol

[@Scerttle]

Her partner sounds like a Scorpio...

[@breathgrowth5102]

Her Fault, the farm, the step dad is enough

[@prophet9240]

A Goldigger's Diary

[@quentonpanthers4805]

Prophet you sound hurt 🤣🤣🤣

[@brandonparker6724]

This video was a disappointment. She had an opportunity to shed new light on the issue of domestic violence, and instead she tells her own tedious sob story.

[@SuperShoebag]

Why? because "domestic violence" is often times not violence. Now, it's time to talk about abusive women.

[@ballettobrenton7045]

There is no use talking about the problem unless you talk about the solution, a problem well stated to #Drwiseone is a problem half solved. You cannot solve your problem with the same level of thinking that created them. I'm Happy My relationship is resolved

[@adamhalamka708]

V V V U.S.A. 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

[@adamhalamka708]

V V V U.S.A. 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸