Why EMPATHS Get SCAPEGOATED In DYSFUNCTIONAL Families

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads. 2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.

[@dnk4559]

Yes I have already read it! It was so very validating and explained so much of what I have experienced. I’m working with an EMDR therapist really processing a lot of the pain and anger and starting to feel more peace and acceptance. My siblings “know not what they are doing” to a certain extent but they are still doing it.

[@patriciasimons1873]

I edited my note, I made a mistake. I wanted to say thank you for explaining this in words, we can understand. I think my original note said cannot.

[@sharonthompson672]

Just started reading your book 👍

[@PaperclipProphets]

Thank you & I look forward to reading your book 📕 Your work is extremely helpful as are communities like this 🙏

[@mariafarley7602]

Just ordered it. Can’t wait to start reading it.

[@locarla1044]

I feel this imprinted toxic shame is the hardest part to heal even after many years. I paid for my own education, graduated in psychology (just like you say) and was still told "You have made a mess of your life" before I walked away. Its like we were groomed to take abuse until we put an end to the trauma cycle.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Toxic shame is connected to the 'false self' - I have a chapter on both of these issues in my book (Rejected...). It is deep, it is unconscious, but as awareness grows and insight is gained, one can indeed release the toxic shame, release the false narratives imposed upon the true self, and live free of these toxic and limiting states.

[@christar9527]

They don’t give you credit for the good things you’ve accomplished and done. I have an MA from Columbia University and accomplished many other things but they never said anything except that I do everything wrong and am a loser and so on. Those words came from the monster (mother). The rest of them treated me like dirt too.

[@nursekathy4480]

Cardiology nurse here but in the eyes of my family I’m worthless.

[@jamesszumiloski4986]

Our gift is used against us,,don't let sick people determine your worth,,,,the empath has no reason to feel shameful,,since they are thr only healthy one in the family

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@christar9527 I spoke with Dr Watson, she may be open to new clients with budget issues, you might reach out to her.

[@goatmanedits4]

I feel like one of the curses of having been the scapegoat/empath is that we actually end up empathizing quite a bit with the narcissist. I tried so hard for so long to help this cult/family find some peace and balance and I just ended up sick and broken. The way back out of the cult then becomes a very long lonely road, even after years of no contact.

[@forgiven5919]

Yeah I thought it was my job to fix my "mother" until I realized finally it has to be her choice, and I have to walk away.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, this can indeed happen. Glad you're here. Here's my resource list in case you are seeking more information and support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@leenaraninaik237]

Going through it right now. What could be worser than ending up broken. Disabled. Sick. And absolutely isolated. At 38. I live in clutter. Journey went from an OCD to an PTSD in lesser than two yrs. Distance hasn't helped coz the trap is beyond just financial and emotional abuse. I am hating every bit of me right now . I got attacked and my clothes were pulled and ripped in public for manhandling my dad I only got trapped. very badly. By my own dad. Nobody believes me and I am doubting everything. Am I even alive etc stuffs keep making me feel I am probably the narc. I dunno

[@heikegani1748]

"You are too sensitive" are the 4 words I was raised upon early on in my life.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes. Classic. So many of us heard this. You may want to watch this video here on FSA and traumatic invalidation that I did awhile back. kzbin.info/www/bejne/bnO0ZomoltejZ8k

[@ella2143]

I’m the family scapegoat. My mother died a few days ago and I feel a lot better.. relieved. She was the problem since always. To everyone else she was practically a saint. I wouldn’t wish my experiences on anyone. Thank you for your video.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

My mother died this past Thursday. What I wish for all who are in our position is that we allow our feelings to be what they are, and to be at peace.

[@ella2143]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse my condolences.. I know how it feels. I wished my mother peace at the hospice. While everyone is crying and upset I can finally say I feel at peace and am the strongest in the whole family.

[@PassionateFlower]

I'm sorry for your loss, not because your mother died, but for the fact you were deprived of the kind of mother you deserved when she was alive💛May YOU LIVE in PEACE. And may she rest in the dirt and answer for her actions in her next life if her soul reincarnates.

[@christinalw19]

My mother passed at age 101 in 2018, after being on hospice for SIX YEARS. Talk about not letting go. 🙄 I don’t remember how many years ago I mourned not having a loving supportive mother. Maybe 50 years ago? I just did the right thing by seeing to her needs. 2 other siblings did nothing. One couldn’t, one wouldn’t. Now I’m a Nana to the Loves of my Loves. I wish I had had more years to live with knowledge of what I went through, not dwelling on the bs, but coming out of it and thriving for myself. No such luck. I am old now, can only do my best for my grand children and pray the love and encouragement I provide them will make a difference in their lives. There have always been pioneers. Live and thrive, Dear Ones. 🙏🏼❤️🕊

[@Vic-Meow]

@@christinalw19wow, six years in hospice must be a record. That's incredible and I feel for your journey. My mom recently passed after being on hospice for 13 months. She was unable to get out of bed and literally on her back all that time. You can imagine how much assistance that required. It's a complicated situation when it's your mother. Holy moly I feel for you -- six years of your life on hold (I presume). I'm glad you have your happiness.

[@Ben-ru9ju]

I am an empath and truth teller from a highly dysfunctional family. I’m an investigator/lawyer for multi million dollar lawsuits taking down huge companies. I’m literally paid to spot covert fraud and subtle evidence. I also taught intuition for several years. My family still tries to tell me they didn’t do what I’m saying or whatever nonsense to this day. They’re crazy. Thank you for articulating it well. It has not been an easy life.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

It is not an easy life at all. I hope that my giving this insidious form of systemic abuse a name - and my research supported book (included in this resource list I'm linking you to) - will make it just a little bit easier. And isn't it amazing that no matter what field of work, how successful, how credible, how respected elsewhere the FSA adult survivor is, the family continues to see only the warped and distorted pseudo-reality that serves them. As I say in some video or another here, it is quite similar to 'shared psychosis'. Glad you're here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@Ben-ru9ju]

Thank you for your kind reply and for the resource, Rebecca. I was amazed to find your videos yesterday. This is exactly what’s been happening to me. I got your book too! I’m looking forward to reading it. Thank you! (Also, my real name is Erika. I go by Ben on here for privacy reasons.) Thank you!!!😊 🙏🏻

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Erika! Glad you're here and that you also got my book!

[@Stephanie-xh9zy]

No one in the dysfunctional family wants to face the truth cause it's ugly. Toxic families are delusional and have no courage. Families are supposed to support one another and want happiness and success for their children, spouse, grandchildren. Not purposely make life hard for another family member or anyone else. Dark comes to light. Truth prevails! Know that!

[@Snorlax220]

So true. The having no courage part is big. I feel like they resent me for my courage. They will basically admit they don’t have much of that. I don’t know how that wouldn’t motivate them to develop it.

[@Mt0428]

This is my reality. As an only child growing up with a narcissistic mother, I was scapegoated for pointing out uncomfortable truths and for standing up for myself. I was beaten constantly for “talking back” when I was just speaking truth to power. As a 30 year old adult, my mouth still gets me into trouble from time to time. I can’t stand injustice, I speak up and call people on their BS whenever I encounter it, much often to my detriment. I never go along to get along because I simply cannot stand enabling toxicity. It’s exhausting and it makes people dislike me, but I cannot live my life pretending, that’s just not me. The friends that stick with me know I’m authentic and that they can always count on me to be honest with them. Recently a friend told me that that’s exactly why she loves me, what you see is what you get. It sucks to be the person always pointing out the world’s hypocrisies. People call you a buzzkill or harsh frequently, but I just don’t know how to be any other way.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Marjorie, the scapegoating can be very harsh and severe indeed when the parent is narcissistic. You may have paid a price to hold onto your truth and reality, but for a truth-telling empath-type, there really is no other choice. You can't put a price on one's soul. Thanks for your comment and hope you subscribe!

[@Yasminescookingshow]

Hi! I was nodding my head the entire time I was reading your comment. I'm with you. Being a truth teller is a lonely road. It's the light in me that keeps me going.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Yep

[@HisAmbassador7]

Same here hun, same here. 😁🌅

[@abutterfly7975]

Me too. There is a fine line between truth telling and being opinionated and commenting when we shouldn’t. I am trying to figure that out. And you’re right, people would rather abandon you sometimes rather than face the truth about themselves and how it has affected you.

[@BlueMosaic5]

I always can feel “vibes” from people, and when I describe that to someone, most people don’t understand me 🥺

[@jamesszumiloski4986]

They want you to fail,,so this will justify their narrative that you were the cause all of the family issues,,,,being in this role is essential for the family's survial,,,most of the time their is a ringleader at the helm,,usually a narcissist mother and a codependent father,,,,,silencing was their way of trying to keep me in this role,,,,when I found my voice they became very scared of me and avoided me at all costs,,,,,my advise is to speak up at all times and only take responsibility for your own stuff,,period!!!,,these people may hate you,,but you will love you,,which is the key out of this role

[@christar9527]

Right. But a narcissist mother and a codependent father? I think it’s the other way around.

[@leahweinberger583]

​@christar 95 nope it can totally be this. Abuser and enabler.

[@steevo8754]

In my family it ramped up when my parents died. Two siblings took up the positions and completed my expulsion from the family. The other siblings and extended family looked the other way. A lot of status and financial gain involved in validating my expulsion. I don’t care. They needed to be exposed. I must say I’m shocked who stayed silent

[@suziedickinson6202]

Mine was "Stop martyring yourself" or "Stop feeling sorry for yourself" or "You're so moody" or "Stop frowning, what will other people think". If I showed emotion, I was either punished, ridiculed or psycho-analysed whereby they would tell me "there's something wrong with you".

[@steevo8754]

My favorite is “Why is it all about you?” Or “It’s all about you- isn’t it?”. Now that’s my shame bomb

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Oh, I forgot those as well, woops!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Steevo, you asked me to help you find a video but now I don't see that comment - can you tell me again here?

[@steevo8754]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse 🤔 I can’t find it either ha!

[@christar9527]

I am the scapegoat who totally bought into what the power holders were saying. From a very early age I thought I was so wrong and so bad that I didn’t deserve anything, not even food or air. I’m an empath, HSP and truth teller, always was and now that I’m estranged from them all, am back to being that person. They shut me up real good and made me extremely suicidal for most of my life. I was just feeling less than again because something triggered me so I thought I’d listen to your videos. I wish I knew about all this 45 + years ago because they really destroyed me and my life. These people are Satan’s minions.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I am glad that you have reclaimed your true self - something I briefly discuss in my book. An important (and critical) aspect of recovering from FSA.

[@HisAmbassador7]

What you’ve just said - it might as well be me talking. I’m still recovering from the damage they done and can honestly say my life is getting better, after 27 years of hardcore healing, all thanks to the grace of God. 🌅 I pray for children all the time as I cannot bear to even hear a child cry.. Blessings to you hun.

[@user-mf7ll4nm4n]

It's not only in families It's in organisations.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, scapegoating is possible within any human system.

[@nikkimollard5097]

Totally agree, we have all been suffering systemic gas lighting, projection,brainwashing,among other narcissistic traits. Being attacked personally when we don't agree or comply.

[@kathleendinsmore7588]

In being told there’s something wrong with you you might hear, “I don’t want you to feel that way,” meaning “I will tell you what you are supposed to feel.”

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Bingo. Nailed it.

[@nsbd90now]

DEFINITELY got the "you're too sensitive" thing when calling out the dysfunction as a little kid. Literal exact words.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I got it, too. As well as hundreds of my FSA research respondents and many commenters here. It serves to invalidate the child's experience. You may also want to watch this video here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/bnO0ZomoltejZ8k

[@sour_lemon_00]

I was very honest since childhood. I was bullied by all my relatives since childhood. I decided it was best to go zero contact. Now I see that everyone was in a narcissistic continuum and I was the only person who was constantly attacked. It made me think that I had to work extra hard to be a member of my own family, but no matter how hard I tried this never ever happened. I was always meaningless. After years of zero contact I feel normal again and I feel like I should have done this much sooner to save myself.

[@meredith2803]

It’s crazy how it infects the whole family dynamics.

[@AngelBlack333]

Another phrase I used to hear from my narcissistic parents and siblings is you look into things too deeply.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Oh, yes - that is another one that comes up, often with "You're too sensitive" or "I was only kidding!"

[@PassionateFlower]

Very similar to my narcissistic family who would often tell me, "Roxy stop over analyzing everything." How dare I question their authority with my ever expanding critical thinking skills 🤔...

[@anneliolsson31]

👍👍👍

[@reesedaniel5835]

@@PassionateFlower Narcissists and tyrants want dumbed down people because they are easy to control.

[@sandrahendricks2020]

I just discovered your channel. I am an empath and the family scapegoat. My mother passed that down to my children and I am forever in that role. I am to blame for everything. My husband died eight years ago and now I'm virtually alone because I could not continue allowing my children to hurt me. I'm very ill and suspect I will die alone. You are my one bright spot. You are helping me to make sense of all this after almost 75 years. I've always been there for everyone I love yet no one is there for me. Sad beyond words.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I'm so glad you're here and reached out. My heart hurt (in recognition of your FSA experiences) while reading this. Linking you to a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@justabirdiknow]

As one empath to another, my heart goes out to you and i cried reading your post.❤ You sound like a very kind person and I’m sorry to hear of your illness. I just found out about FSA and this channel as well. I’m 39 and my family recently took this to another level inviting everyone in the family to easter except me. It hurts so bad.

[@lesleyelalami2562]

Ditto Sandra.... just know you're not alone..... hang on to your God and shine brightly relying on the kindness of strangers.... and dogs! xxx

[@janegreen5301]

Thank you Rebecca. I can relate. I was not allowed to cry as a child. Always with her back to me, my mother would tell me to quit my crying or she would give me something to cry about. Then with her brown eyes black she would turn around slap me across the face or spank me. So until I was 26 years old I silently cried myself to sleep every night. (Back in the day when we wore hair curlers to bed)- I would wake up with my hair wet at my temples. Now my mom is 89 years old with dementia. She cries alot and asks me if crying is bad or wrong. I tell her no, it's okay to cry. It's not wrong to cry. It's okay, God gave us tears. It's okay to cry, Mom.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

This is a beautiful, poignant recounting of expansive compassion for self and others. May this quality (and ability) continue to serve you well, Jane.

[@janegreen5301]

Thank you Rebecca

[@norxgirl1]

So moving....bless you.....

[@meganayers4075]

They tell me that I am misunderstanding everything that they say. The whole family does it. I had to go no contact because they were upset about me improving my life. That's always been an issue for them.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes - this is typical in families that scapegoat. Successes are ignored, or actively sabotaged, by family members.

[@lisabowden402]

They really don’t want you to succeed or improve your life. It’s crazy but true.

[@Hannerloo]

100%. I always knew deep down what reality was, and that I needed to keep myself safe until I could be fully independent. I didn't know it meant disconnecting from the family system completely, but I am willing to let go of anything that destroys my well-being and crushes my personhood. I have never let go of my reality and what I have known deep down, and I saved my own life. I tried to help my siblings find freedom when I realized my parents enjoy their own misery and perpetuating misery. Unfortunately, I had to go it alone. But Id rather be alone than in abuse.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

"Solitude is the furnace of transformation." (Anonymous)

[@ingegaasbeek296]

You go girl!

[@trace3113]

I'm the family empath and yes also the true teller and have been thrown away by all my family members even my own grown daughter. I've been alone for so long in my life.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I’m so very sorry to hear it. Unfortunately, these dysfunctional family ‘roles’ and patterns - and associated behaviors - do tend to get passed down from generation to generation.

[@jennymason1785]

Before i started to understand about this scapegoat role i was given A few years ago im 70 now i used to feel i had the weight of generations on my shoulders so it was validating for you rebecca to speak about generational issues thank you and i always used to where black

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

So glad my work here has been helpful!

[@joannabrites6288]

I’m so sorry for you. Thank god I still haven’t daughter I hope they find a way back to you.

[@outfromtheshadows]

I can very much relate, Tracy Lynn. ❤️

[@fzrms7954]

Im the family scapegoat and an empath and not surprisingly I have a psychology degree. Both parents are narcs and let me tell you no dysfunctional family wants somebody like me whom can see through all their BS. They have labeled me crazy to the entire extended family and after my dad died and I called my mom on her horrible behavior, she abandoned me. I am 100% alone now.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Sadly, the type of experience you had featured prominently in my original FSA research findings. Linking you to my updated resource list in case you see something that might serve you at this time: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@Mari-lv1rd]

I am alone too. Finally at 69 I can feel OK, not perfect but have enough confidence to live in the life that I created for myself. Just a handful of friends that love me for me. Luckily I became a nurse and it gave me a chance to give to humankind, to make sure that I did not become so depressed that I wasted my life. Thank you God.

[@lindafolk4598]

What a relief to finally at 73 be able to hear and understand the pain of my childhood and adult life. I cant ask why did it take so long I am just grateful to finally get some relief and knowing. Thank you so much! I am sharing with others who also desire the healing. ❤

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, Linda, I appreciate your telling others about my work. If you are relating strongly to my content here, you may also want to read my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.

[@ingegaasbeek296]

I wish you all the best, Linda.. You are very strong to have such a view. And yes; there will always be The Aftermath...❤

[@momoso143]

I took these to my journal recently and wrote all the hurtful degrading things they told me and I lovingly rewrote the negative things they judged me with. Instead of slow I wrote active, instead of lazy I wrote active, instead of dramatic I wrote truthful…I will keep rewriting over their hateful words that pop up and take space in my head with MY words and regain MY headspace 😊🎉 ….with MY words and MY love ❤

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Wonderful idea. Also, if you scroll down to the bottom of this channel's home page, you'll find 3 free affirmation videos I made that you can listen to daily as well. They are trauma-informed, also.

[@Lyn_Marie_]

That’s me !! I’m a proud Sensitive, Empath, and also the Scapegoat of the family. I’m having many emotions washing over me. Every word you said, I deeply relate too. I have cut ties with my family, but it wasn’t easy. I still struggle with that from time to time, but not enough to expose myself to that pain.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Lenore, if you relate this strongly to my video here, do try and check out my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' - I have a chapter on the Empath child and family scapegoating abuse.

[@Lyn_Marie_]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you, I will.

[@jeananncunningham8493]

That's me the scapegoat of my dysfunctional family. I'm the sensitive empath. Now I'm learning more of the reason why I am like I am.

[@janncoons7445]

"What's wrong with you?" It still runs through my head. Any display of emotion was not okay with my mother. And now at 70 years of age I still don't know.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

As another commenter here said this evening: "The why will come to you as you heal and you'll realize it had nothing to do with you and had everything to do with them and a reflection of their own wounds." Powerful words. Here's my survivor resource list in case something catches your eye. Glad you're here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@janettestearns5461]

Oh this is me. I’m the perceptive one who sees what others don’t see or even refuse to see. It’s sooo plainly obvious, yet only I see it. It’s probably better said that I refuse to deny it. The elephant in the room is there, but others just ignite it. I resonated with her statement about the tenacity of the perceptive person to hold to their authenticity. Wow. Holy moly! Thank you for your work in this. I’m sorry you have this knowledge yourself. Sending hugs.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Janette, they say to "write about what you know" so my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) is one way I made lemonade out of lemons, as well as my work and research on FSA in general.

[@christar9527]

I was all of the things you mentioned. It’s no wonder that I was the family target from a very young age. My “father “ was a malignant narcissist rageaholic. He loved to scare me and provoke a reaction out of me. I was hunted down daily throughout the house and I would clear out places under beds and in closets to hide. He used to aim his car at an oncoming car and when I would gasp a bit my “mother “ would act like something was wrong with me. As a matter of fact, every emotion I had was wrong with her. My earliest memories of her were her rejecting what I thought, said, felt, etc. She would fly into rages suddenly but it wasn’t constant or clear what triggered her. My siblings just went along with my “parents “. I became chronically suicidal but they didn’t beat the truth teller out of me and I’m still here. We’re estranged and it’s been great being away from all their stupidity.

[@THEzav14]

Dear Lord‼️ this is my story! i jumped thru hoops for 50 Plus years (till the day my mom passed). Young people- don’t walk….please RUN from this abuse!

[@stellamartin1145]

Same here…I walked away into the sunset after my mom passed away in 2016…

[@TheRealLarissa]

I'm told, "Don't start." When I point out the abuse.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Oh yes, that's one I had forgotten about. Also known as "Don't start....(speaking your truth / calling out the abuse").

[@paisleyjane14]

I ran away at 15. Family therapist (five minutes of it) said I was the recorder’ of the family. This was decades ago and I see he was an early identifier of the family empath. That one statement gave me permission at that young age to trust my own memory and intuition. Thank you Mario, wherever you are! Thank you to ALL the compassionate professionals who have helped me throughout my entire life! May God bless you all 🙏🏽🙏🏽❤️❤️

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Beautiful story. One kind, insightful person can make all the difference when we are young. Thank you for sharing.

[@perpetualincomeearner8015]

Wow. The intuition and own thoughts part is what I've been in constant struggle to hold onto for a while but especially last 4 months... This kinda cleared a while part of my mind hearing another person I don't know say this. (I've been in rough situation last 3 years and social isolation got to me becuz I was with family where if I speak louder than a whisper I'd deal with weeks of shame from the other family members). Man being isolated in a situation like this for so long brings u to a new type of low. I HOPE NO ONE allows that type of isolation and struggle with finances to last for more than a year of their adult lives... PROMISE ME NONE OF YOU WILL?

[@johnadams9280]

I grew up being told I was too sensitive. I’m now no contact with 4 sisters and my mother. My father is gone and he was always a voice of reason so there’s no one left in my corner. Life is better when you take control and refuse to be the scapegoat any longer. I highly recommend getting out as the alternative is to continually feel abused for no reason.

[@lavonnebenson7409]

I was told " you care too much "

[@KingMark33]

I’m in such a unique position and it feels the only option is to go ghost on my family. My mom is a severe narcissist and I’m the family scapegoat. I keep trying to tell my siblings but they always find a way to make me the problem. I explain to them how she insults me, pushes my buttons, tries to control me, belittles me and offers no privacy. They didn’t express an ounce of compassion or empathy. They told me I need to focus on the positive parts about her and realize that she is just doing her best. It’s a dead end road trying to get help from my family. They all refuse to accept that my mom could be the problem.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I actually do see this type of narcissistic family structure in my practice and in my research on FSA: Narcissistic mother and enabling/codependent father. This dynamic is captured brilliantly in the oldie but goodie film, 'Ordinary People', by the way. If you are struggling to understand the dynamics at play, you may want to get my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. Also, I am covering both narcissistic and dysfunctional family scapegoating in my video this Saturday, so I hope you have subscribed.

[@FMT2003]

I was in the same situation. I cut them off ten years ago. Best thing I ever did for myself. I know who I am now and more importantly, I accept myself as a good person. It was difficult, especially around holidays but it ultimately saved my life.

[@sallydr]

I would not sell my soul to my 2 narcissistic alcoholic parents and my mother and brother were schizophrenic. I was the scapegoat truth teller. My mother would often say that I just loved to be angry. I did walk away from all of them at 24 but it did follow me but I did therapy on and off all my life and now I have risen above most of it. I am 73.

[@haPPySundAy970]

I hate that not only did I grow up with this, I have to heal such abuse. 🙏😭

[@drlarrymitchell]

I found that that it's like a game of tag, and if they tag you and you just walk away, the game stops.

[@pattisSd]

In my family, siblings continue to try and draw me back in when I walk away. It's as though they need to keep me in that role for their lives to make sense

[@christinalw19]

I am SO HONORED to be who God created me to be. Empath, Truthteller, HSP, INFJ. Bring it. Blessings to All. 🙏🏼🤍🦅

[@joannabrites9857]

I hve one for ya doc, it’s all about you Jo! This is how they shamed me into silence. It’s not just about you Jo. But it was. I was the only child not wanted by my own father not allowed to go see him while he was dying. I was the only one not allowed to go to my nieces wedding after I paid for it. While my family partied on the beach for a whole week while I stayed home and wanted to die. Not one family member stood up for me not one. All I did was object to the treatment which you know is off limits. It’s a sneaky hard to bring to light form of abuse. I am the sensitive one. I was the empath.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Joanna, your experience was reflected in my FSA research - Many, many FSA adult survivors have had similar experiences. I am sorry to hear this also happened to you.

[@I.like.you.]

My mother always told me" you feel things completely different than other people." The message was obviously : you are not normal! Something is wrong with you! Thank you mother, for nothing..

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Indeed, dysfunctional / narcissistic family systems are at root incredibly energetically enmeshed, no matter how it looks on the outside; the one who is 'different' and/or more individuated is therefore pathologized.

[@fightswithspirits915]

I'm the feeler and it terrifies them. Got me devalued, discarded, smeared in one swift movement. Feeling grateful.

[@lisalambert81865]

My favorite was “ get that chip off your shoulder “.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Ugh, I forgot about that one! I think I may have forgotten "Get off your high horse!" as well (sigh...)

[@margaretcraigva]

I was flat-out mocked, screamed at and hit for crying (they reacted to my true sadness as a “tantrum” even though I never threw tantrums). My heart goes out to any children currently experiencing the same thing. Please know it will get much better once you gain your independence.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Sadness = Tantrum = More reality distortion by the perpetrator(s) of scapegoating abuse in families, fueling and supporting what I call the ‘scapegoat narrative’.

[@patrickhackett3878]

My earliest memory of my father: shouting at my mother "can't you shut him up!?". My baby teeth came in rotten, and I was in constant pain. I've since been the "source" of all the families problems, and blamed for it. Finally, 69 years later, breaking contact with my "golden child " brother. Good content!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you! In case you are in need of further support after ending contact, I put together this list of resources for FSA adult survivors. Linking you to it here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@philippagrimoire5968]

It doesn’t end with the family though. Most people I’ve known in my life have rejected me for the same reasons. For calling them out on their bs. Years of friendship over in a moment for calling them out and being honest. People just don’t like honesty. They say they want it but they prefer lies. I have a few loving girlfriends and male friends but have met SO many narcissistic people who play out family dynamics with me. I spend a lot of time alone with my cats My mother and brother REALLY don’t like me and have cursed me in the past. Surviving cptsd with very little solid support network is brutal. Yet I’m the one everyone comes to for support and expect to be able to just offload on me whenever they need to without showing any consideration for me and my capacity to then turn around and treat me like crap in return. I just don’t like people as a species. I prefer non human animals

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

As the poet Charles Bukowski once said: "Sure I like people. I just feel better when they're not around." He suffered terrible abuse as a child from his father, btw. No surprise there.

[@clairelicciardo6198]

Cats for life! 😻😻😻

[@dianeshoemaker6591]

I am experiencing the same when I get honest and speak up, which most of my friends aren’t used to. I don’t attack people either, it’s almost in a caretaking fawning way that I say “my feelings are hurt by your behavior “. This has not gone well at all with most of my friends since I got into recovery a decade ago. One friend it went really well, thank goodness. But the rest of them the dynamic was they were superior and I was inferior. This was my own construct in my mind and the energy between us. Leveling up to seeing myself as equal is not encouraged by most of my friend circle. I have developed severe complex chronic health issues and am an orphan of sorts with no family support and my friends judge me for not getting better already. No one seeks to understand the complexity of being impacted by mold (which is in 80% of homes) and how difficult it is to heal without family support. They all have family support and have no idea what it’s like to go through life without it and don’t see how privileged they are compared to me. I am seeing people differently now as I continue to take off my rose colored glasses. It’s very difficult and lonely. I appreciate this channel and all that Rebecca shares. I feel seen, heard, understood.

[@MC-rw2bk]

I experience a lot of people projecting their own issues onto me just like my estranged family did. When I try to get the person to understand that those are their problems, they get angry with me. Now, I just walk away. I am done defending, explaining, and trying to get people to see my point of view. Also, narcissists seem to be attracted to scapegoats so that's another dynamic scapegoats have to be vigilant about.

[@MsMonashee]

Oh sister, I so feel you. It is a living Hell.

[@thirstonhowellthebird]

I have to watch these videos, each one of them like three or four times because I start dissociating so bad. I can hear your voice almost as if it’s in the background of something else taking place and it’s hard to focus or even understand a word you’re saying. These videos bring back so many horrible memories. I am so grateful that I severed ties and probably would’ve died had I not but now it’s like living my life backwards as every day there’s a new memory that pops in that I’m just like oh my God I can’t even believe evil people like this exist in the world and they are your family or are supposed to be.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Take your time. Take breaks as needed. I'll be doing a video soon on structural dissociation and complex trauma as related to family scapegoating abuse.

[@christar9527]

I can relate with what you said. When I have emotional flashbacks I can’t believe it all wasn’t just a horrible nightmare. The memories are hard to shake.

[@user-ts3sw2tk6o]

I was like that a year ago not able to process scapegoat videos or stop the CPTSD & dissociating, in & out of fear my memory was shot. The only way I could heal was total NC even feelings sensations were alien. I couldn’t tell when I was hungry thirsty or in pain. I’d bump into a chair & not feel pain yet a monster size bruise would appear. My narcissistic ex teamed up with my family & the dehumanisation was nothing short of evil. Don’t give up you can heal it’s possible my mantra was I am safe I trust myself I believe my intuition ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

[@PaperclipProphets]

Being a family scapegoat is one of the biggest challenges I’ve ever faced and it’s still hard. I can relate to your pain and pray you have loving people in your life to support you. Scapegoats have incredible strength and empathy; we are some of the toughest people, yet still compassionate and sensitive. The world needs more people like us and less scapegoating jerks. Keep focused on your gifts and continue healing at your own pace. Blessings to you 🙏

[@juliebarks3195]

My mother's favorite thing to say when I was a child and something had gone wrong. TRUST YOU TO SPOIL IT.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Ouch!! 😔

[@Patty-io9us]

This is profoundly helpful. I have been cut out of my family for showing sympathy to traumatized individuals they have rejected. Every interaction I have with my parents includes some form of shame and blame. I’m walking away. Thank you for validating my experience!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Now you see why I named my book on FSA 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'! Glad you found my video helpful and good to hear you feel validated.

[@angelapastorius2377]

It always puzzled me why my husband would become angry if I should cry about something that hurt me in the relationship. Angry. That just never made any sense. Now it does. Yeah, and he was always "just kidding."

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

HI Angela - I also see this with people who are not able to access their own grief - the anger is a defense against feeling grief that the Empath is able to feel - very threatening / also triggering to such a person.

[@TaviaTHenry]

Yes I can relate. From a very early age I refused to go along with the dysfunctional behavior and I spoke up. I always defended my siblings and the adults in the family did not like that. I hid the way things were from others but I refused to be a part of their toxic behavior. So yes I am and have always been the scapegoat

[@MsMonashee]

My sister has such a dismissive attitude towards me. As bad as my mother. I cannot be with both women at once. My mother is horrible. She is 104 and failing and to be here taking care of her is excruciating. Nothing I do is right. She is a tiny tyrant. Loves to fight. Manipulative as Hell. And insulting. Goes from criticizing my hair. Ragi g because I choose to not wear makeup, my clothes are a Ness. I am too fat, I eat too much, I am not a success, etc etc ad nauseum. The fact that it is generational trauma is of no comfort whatsoever. I wish I had cut ties years ago. What a mess.

[@ruthycantfail]

So many similarities!! It's so hard being related to these sorts of people. Sending love to you and I hope you find some beautiful people to have in your life that will treat you with love and respect ❤

[@christinalw19]

I went through similar. YOU are great. Real, honest, caring. Of course they have to try to make you look bad-they are pathetic. Big Nothings. Rejoice in your reality. You are loved. 😉🙏🏼🤍

[@christinerobertson9596]

I get it now- I have been challenging my husband's mother and dysfunctional family and he's been lashing out and gas lighting me like crazy. His mother never liked me because I always showed my genuine feelings. I was 'parentified' at a young age- I could read people to protect my mom from the "wrong" guys when she dated. I was praised for my astuteness then, but my mother-in-law is threatened by it. Hence after 33 years married to her youngest son, doesn't know my birthday and sends me a check in the mail usually a month late compared to the showering of gifts for my husband and daughter. thanks for video!!!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Christine, glad it helped. The in-law issues can complicate and also ignite FSA issues. I'll be doing a video on this soon. Very painful.

[@christinerobertson9596]

thank You!!

[@janegreen5301]

Very painful indeed when the sister-in-law becomes the narcissist power holder in the "family". My mother taught her well. Now she is the exsisterinlaw. Still holds the power. My brother submits to her power. Parents signed over legally (Through a different attorney than their long time attorney) all power to her. In January of 2020 I found the document in their safe after dad came home from the hospital and the home health care nurse had questions. The sister-in-law left my brother and moved into my parents house. The lies continue. She uses social media to spread her lies. A few see through her deception. Most have bought her false narrative hook line and sinker. I am the "bad" daughter for not taking care of my parents. Truth will prevail. Someday justice will be served. I appreciate this community. I read all your comments. And I pray for all of us. THANKS REBECCA, Jane.

[@Jm649]

Omg I love your video because it's the truth. It's time to see the empath and the truth-teller as the powerful, normal ones and "the power holders" as the weak, insecure and mentally unwell. Because that's exactly what is going on.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes! Well said, thank you.

[@South_Heat]

I got “Don’t be so serious” and “Smiiiiiile!” from my Mother when I was an extremely unhappy child, with an unhappy face lol, due to the abuse going on in my home. My teachers at school used to write in my school reports that I “cried easily.” I wonder why!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Oooh, I got that as well, I had forgotten ("Don't be so serious!") I think we know why...(!)

[@d.h.fremont3027]

My achievements were never acknowledged.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I discuss this phenomenon in my video here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/gGjSeaaIn6d7iKc

[@lipstickprincess1]

I was raised in an emotionally and physically violent, and I use the word lightly, “family”. My mother is a covert narcissist and liar. She historically spent time with and traveled with her daughters and specifically left me behind. (I no longer consider these jerks as my sisters.) I am one out of six kids who suffered the most abuse. I had parents who were too stupid to use birth control. They had no interest in being loving and invested parents, all they could do was crank out kid after kid and I bore the brunt of their mistakes my whole life. They should have given me up for adoption!!! At 57, I know that there is nothing that I can do to stop the mental abuse so I had to cut them all off; except for my two brothers. I can’t take it anymore!!!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Nor should anyone in your position have to.

[@donnellallan]

You told my story again. The validation is so helpful. Thank you for helping me feel like a gift rather than a problem. I appreciate what you are doing here so much. 😊

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You are so welcome, Donnell - and you ARE indeed a gift to the world. Go and shine your light widely and brightly!

[@donnellallan]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse 💜💜💜💜💜

[@laurenjohnson9607]

Empath and truth teller here!! Also licensed therapist. Spot on.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, Lauren, and I appreciate your comment.

[@laurenjohnson9607]

You are welcome! I never thought I would be considered a scapegoat because of my accomplishments. For me it has been a lot of jealousy and feeling kind of like Cinderella in a way. I really feel seen so thank you so much for your work!@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I truly do understand. (First-hand...!)

[@MF-my3db]

Because I was a truth teller I was told I was insensitive. This is just one of many ways my family attempted to alienate me from my true nature. Your words help me realize I was sensitive to the dysfunctions I was surrounded by. They were just discrediting/gaslighting me. What made the darker realities hard for most to see (even my highly competent family therapist cousin who spent a fair amount of time with us who is also scapegoated and whom I can't wait to share your material with) is that there was such effort to make everything appear not only OK in my family of origin but to establish that we were somehow a special and exceptional family. This was so much a part of two of my sisters identities that when my mother died they became untethered and joined forces against me. I definitely played the role of seeker of justice for all and felt that acknowledging and also felt dissolving our family roles was a matter of justice as necessary just to recognize our humanity. One of the things that has plagued me the most over time is how no one would ever stand up for me even though I have example after example of when I stood up for them even when it was against my own interest. I have studied "yoga of the mind" which helps one understand the human ego and that did help but maybee enough to keep my in a situation I should have left - in fact the two year class was full of family truth tellers. I had been trying to "go high." Now I'm just trying to go any direction and in a way I think that is the higher path - not only best for m but for my children and husband who deserve better than to watch me suffer and begin to be scapegoated themselves. Dr. Mandeville is a force for what must be among the most complex and insidious types of abuse a person can experience; I thank you for your work.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You have come to some important realizations and I hope my work on FSA brings you even more insights so you can make informed decisions regarding what would serve you and your spouse / children at the *highest* level in regard to level of contact issues, etc. Not sure if you read my book yet (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) or saw my video here on Siblings and scapegoating, but if not, you may find those two additional resources helpful. And thank you for your kind acknowledgement of my work (and research) on family scapegoating abuse (FSA) - It is insidious (and complex) indeed.

[@dnk4559]

Your comment really resonates with my experience. I feel my two sisters have become the dynamic duo of dysfunction! And are hell bent on continuing scapegoating where my narcissistic father left off.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@dnk4559 In Family Systems we call this sort of dynamic a ‘sibling alliance’.

[@maryrichardson6029]

The smirk is all it takes. I was invisible. Young child 4-8 years old. Just dropped off somewhere and left it there for hours. Beach, library, state fair, any place where there would be lots of people. IT WAS NEVER MY FAULT. Peace 💕🇺🇲

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

No. It never was.

[@steevo8754]

Oh wow! Now that is traumatic for a child

[@sarahjohnston8488]

I don’t even know what to say - this sums it up for me 100%. Pretty much everything you said. It’s amazing that this is recognized now and has a name. It’s a very lonely place to be, thank you for this!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Sarah, you might check out my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed - I devote a chapter to being the Empath in a family and the target of FSA.

[@jenniferlynn93]

You are an angel. This is very therapeutic. You are the most comforting, kind, and insightful therapist. Thank you for shedding light on this.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You are so welcome. Good to have you here.

[@kerry-anne39]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you angel Rebecca 💮

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@kerry-anne39 You’re welcome!

[@kerry-anne39]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse 💗

[@dawneozz]

🙏💞🙏

[@GGVanilla]

This is 1000% me. When you said "gifted" and "beautifully sensitive" I really teared up, it has never been seen as something positive in my family. They have exploited this sensitivity (asked me to give up my job and autonomy to take care of the aging narcissist, or take care of my narcissistic sisters children.) I'm currently working on escaping this family and I'm so thankful I found your channel. Perfect timing.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Glad to have you here. You'll find my playlists on the home page of this channel. You may also want to read my book on this form of abuse, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' - you can find it internationally on Amazon or most major online book retailers.

[@mareavoce1272]

This is powerful! see now I was a threat - and why truth is SO important to me in every aspect of life. You’re right - being sensitive is a beautiful gift. 🥰

[@hughdonovan]

I am full of so much anger and sadness. I’m 58 and I don’t know how to continue living anymore. I’m broken and broken down.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Break downs are often break-THROUGHS in disguise. I hope you pick up my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. Many have found understanding, awareness, AND hope by reading it.

[@freetobeme101]

Oh Hugh! I'm so sorry. Did you go no contact with the N in your life? Or are you trying to manage it as best you can? There is HOPE!!! I felt like you too!!!! Going NC made ALL the difference for me, then you can begin to heal. You need a good therapist too🥰!

[@randomvintagefilm273]

Hugh, don't let people define you! You need to find other things that make you happy like animals, travel and hobbies. Concentrate on just finding one good friend who you can relate to or join a group.

[@reginasemenenko148]

​@@freetobeme101How do you deal ewith holidays? I have one froiend because I have to work all the time and there is no one to be with.

[@reesedaniel5835]

@@reginasemenenko148 If you are a truth lover like me, research the pagan roots of all the holidays they have us 'celebrating'.....that made it easy for me. I woke up to that before waking up to the narcissistic abuse I've endured all my life.

[@sandramurray8982]

This video is explains many things to me regarding my mothers behaviour towards me. Thank you.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're most welcome, Sandra.

[@beyondher]

The scapegoating accelerated as I approached age 40. Since I didn't have children or get married, I sense that I am more heavily rejected. Narcissist are obsessed with children, because children are the perfect supply for them. They let me feel the 'stigma' of being a childless and single woman more than anyone I've ever met. Their way of telling me I had failed was to gift me a pet rabbit for xmas. I was 40 years old! Who buys a rabbit for an adult? It's totally infantilising. I have distanced myself from nearly everyone in the family now. Only my mother I am still in touch with. However, my boundaries will be very hard with her. It's really tough, because I love her, but she tries to draw me back into the family madness and I can't live with the anxiety that follows from the abuse. They gang up on me.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

We were just having a discussion about this (not having children and being scapegoated heavily) in one of my videos in the comments. I'll be getting a dedicated video out about this - This dynamic you describe did come up in my FSA research as well.

[@kimberlygabaldon3260]

I heard every single one of those phrases repestedly, along with a few others. I don't recall those things being said to the others. Then, if you don't buy into that, you have an "attitude."

[@ezequielmca4385]

It happened to me all the time. My narcissistic mother blamed me for just expressing my emotions (You're too sensitive, i was just kidding, etc.) and then blamed me for what SHE did wrong or failed.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Classic. It is like there is a book such parents read from. Most Empaths get these same lines dished out to them growing up, as verified by my original research on this form of abuse (which I named 'family scapegoating abuse' / FSA).

[@Chellees]

This is sooooooooooo me!! Scapegoat, empath, eggshell walker, a sensitive!!!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I have a chapter on the Empath in my book. It's linked at the top of this resource list I created for FSA survivors, in case you are wanting more support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@velvetindigonight]

Me too check out being a HSP Highly Sensitive Person …..

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes, I reference this book on HSP in my book as well - good one.

[@user-ol3dy9rg7y]

conscious and intentional abuse thank you for this wording... abusers know what they are doing, sociopaths abuse then stand there and smirk and even laugh at your pain. They will reap what they sow.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Typically the case with narcissists. Not always the case with highly traumatized, dysfunctional family members. This is why I keep different playlists on each time of family system construct on the home page of my channel here. Of course, some families are a mix of both - and may be an alcoholic/addicted family system as well.

[@LION-on4gd]

🎯

[@ronalddykeman9427]

In my own experience only one thing matters with severely dysfunctional families. They need to be sent down their separate roads, as in court ordered to stay away from each other. I know many people don't like the idea of the courts being able to break up families. With me they ask a wrong person to sympathize. I am even in favor the law allowing children age 13 and up to initiate a legal process asking the courts to remove them from an abusive home. From age 13 onward I was looking for the door. I finally ran away at the age of 15, without even one regret. Just goes to show you how little use I have for family. I have no family and I am happy. I have no kids, and I don't want any. My two cents for this one! 😊

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

If only the courts would recognize these forms of ‘invisible’ abuse (sigh…)

[@Michelina22]

Yes. My mom always minimized my feelings and would try to stop me from feeling whatever I was feeling

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

It can be very threatening for the child to be 'different' / individuated from the parent in these types of families.

[@carrieosborne7414]

Rebecca this video spoke directly to my experience growing up and has brought me to tears at the recognition of myself. Sadly the impact on me has been that hiding who I really am has become a habit and holds me back in my life in many ways. I really was made to feel defective. I’m starting to heal recently and have gone ‘no contact’ with my enabler mom which is helping. I was reflecting only yesterday how my greatest strengths, sensitivity, empathy, imagination and intuition have been sources of shame for me throughout my life. Watching this video I actually thought about myself as a child, feeling rejected for being myself and felt empathy for myself for once! I know this is the key to my healing. Thank you for your contribution to my healing journey.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thanks for letting me know, Carrie - this sounds like a significant breakthrough, indeed! There are a couple of workbooks you might want to check out, they are on my website shop and available on Amazon: Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma; and the Mindful Self-Compassion workbook. Ideally, you could work on these with a trauma-informed coach or therapist. scapegoatrecovery.com/shop

[@carrieosborne7414]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you I’ll take a look.

[@angelazaccaria3733]

Thank God I finally found someone who articulated exactly my situation as a child. Listening to this has transported me right back to those uncomfortable emotions.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I hope for a good purpose(!) Linking you to a list of FSA survivor resources I put together as well: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/

[@kristelsmart8318]

Unfortunately, in my family, it was my narcissistic sister who grew up to be a therapist. I grew up to be too much of an anxious mess to really be anything productive.

[@mday3821]

I was told I was to sensitive and wasn't allowed to be angry, but my dad was and I wasn't allowed to cry, but my mother was. I learned crying is a weakness & to cry alone. I always knew there was something not right in my family, but I just never could put my finger on it. Thanks. Wore black clothes for years! Never put the two together!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Can't remember if I said it in this video but in dysfunctional family systems, it is typically the case that only certain family members are 'allowed' to 'hold' certain feelings/emotions. Often, the FSA child / adult child is carrying toxic shame and the weight of intergenerational trauma for the entire family system, unconsciously, of course. I discuss this in detail in my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed.

[@cjowers40]

I am the teacher, therapist type but also disabled now and financially dependent. Feel like the only way out is ending me life sometimes. I’m going to ACOA which is helping but impossible, literally, to go no contact. Anyway, if it wasn’t for Rebecca and her bring this epidemic into the light here in the United States, I would still be spinning in confusion at 52 years old. I also found Sharna Hussain’s article “Ken Wilber’s 3-2-1 Process: A Method for Retracting Shadow Projections” a profoundly accurate description of my experience, my life and why so many mental health professionals choose to ignore the truth in the United States. Thank you for all that you doing to help us out here. You are making a difference. ☺️

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Glad to hear Wilber's process was helpful. Thank you for being here and for sharing what has been helpful for you, Carolyn.

[@BlueMosaic5]

Yes, I understand now 😢 I’m the Empath, Truth Telling, Scapegoat 😢 I want to feel ALL of it and deal with it. Unfortunately my family is the exact opposite and try to get me to be quiet. Now that I’m almost 60, I refuse to accept their abuse and games of make believe that the family is perfect with the ridiculous facade they put forth. I want to be loving and loyal, but NOT at the expense of me and my remaining adult children. I have a Do unto others approach to life, until I’m treated terribly, then it’s a get what you give approach. Strength with Love as much as possible toward others 💪 💖

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Sounds like your experiences have resulted in clarity and wisdom, Fifi. I hope my FSA recovery resources will offer you support as you continue your healing journey.

[@rustinequigley2838]

I feel as others have said I now see my sensitivity as a gift. All my life I tried to keep it hidden because as a child I was ridiculed and called paranoid. I’ve been ashamed of revealing it. Such a relief to know the truth ♥️

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Embrace it. It is indeed a gift, and one not everyone can (or does) possess. Although in a dysfunctional / narcissistic family that scapegoats, it can feel like a burden, indeed...

[@dnk4559]

Yes I’m “different “ than my Dad’s other two, who are “more like” him. He was narcissistic and has passed I’m afraid the siblings have inherited his traits.

[@ritahemmerly4224]

When I started to awaken I heard, your inheritance would come from your heavenly father, since mine is dead i assumed somehow him. You just cleared up that I was the only one who didn't inherit crazy! THANKS.

[@allthingsfashion86]

Same here

[@VAMORGAN99]

My mother sang the song “Nobody Loves Me, Everyone Hates Me. I’m going to go eat Worms!!” So much!!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Ouch!

[@VAMORGAN99]

Feelings were not safe with my narc mother. She died recently, my inner child feels abandoned. I have a BA in Psychology, no doubt as to why.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@VAMORGAN99 The inner child may still be waiting for the 'repair' to happen with your mother. Did you see my video on the repair experience, or read the article related to this by Dr Erin Watson that I posted with that video? You may find those two resources helpful, if not.

[@thecoldglassofwatershow]

Ooh man I just sang that song yesterday as a joke at my job 😅 that was a huge part of my life, that song, my mother would sing that shit too, in a “oh woe is me” condescending tone

[@kathrynrealhealthtalk910]

Remember the book lord of the flies? A narc family does stuff like that to the scapegoat. 😭🥺🙏

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Yes - several years ago I wrote an article about scapegoating and this famous novel. And I mention it in a video or two here as well.

[@antoniafiorenza]

i relate to this brilliant video100 percent. I grew up in a narcissistic upper class, military British family and was scapegoated for being 'sensitive". So good that this kind of abuse is finally being recognised.Thank you X

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you so much - This is a cross-cultural issue, indeed, and it crosses socio-economic lines and classes as well. I hope you check out my book and my other videos here - and consider subscribing if you haven't already.

[@norxgirl1]

I wrote my undergraduate thesis on the prevention of child abuse in 1989. I used the AAPI - Adult/Adolescent Parenting Inventory as a tool that gauges parenting attitudes, such as what value is placed on corporal punishment, etc. Military families scored "more abusive parenting" attitudes, probably because of the severe authoritarian culture of the military. Police officers scored high as well, if I remember correctly. Growing up a "sensitive" in a military family could be quite difficult, I imagine. My husband grew up in a military family, suffered horrific abuse of all forms. We were able to get his father imprisoned as adults due to the egregious nature of some of the abuse. We helped set a precedent. One of the great victories in our lives....

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@norxgirl1 Only just now saw your comment. That is quite an accomplishment, indeed!

[@eottoe2001]

TY. No the people in my family system don't like emotions. Sadness or depression are seen as flaws. It is a pertinent question when or if you are sad, depressed, or angry to ask yourself if it is yours because a lot of the time you may be carrying the emotions of other members of the family system that don't want to deal with. To paraphrase Robert Frost, good emotional boundaries make for good siblings.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Very true. I did a dedicated video on this, how carrying emotions works in dysfunctional/ narcissistic family systems.

[@eottoe2001]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I will look it up.

[@wendihangebrauck6124]

Multigenerational trauma. You hit the nail on the head.

[@evolingwren]

Is this why my father got so angry if I cried in front of him?? To this day, I'll run from him before I'll cry in front of him.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

If a parent is repressing feelings or has trauma they are unaware of, any expression of "vulnerable" (authentic) feeling in another, such as crying, will invariably be activating and triggering to them at an unconscious level and they will want to put a lid on it immediately. If it is their own child expressing these threatening emotions, they have the power to try and put a lid on it via shaming them, commanding the child not to cry, etc.

[@evolingwren]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse My father was horribly abused as a child, physically and mentally. I'm unsure how true some of it is, but my uncle loved to tell stories about their abuse at family holiday dinners. Looking back, I'm shocked at my uncle's behavior. Why tell such stories at Thanksgiving!?

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@evolingwren I've seen this before. This can be a defense mechanism protecting the psyche from the impact of the trauma. Stories about the abuse are told in an entertaining (dissociated) way. When it comes to how people process trauma, my best answer is, "It's complicated".

[@timk7073]

I wonder how much of this is self fulfilling, by that I mean when someone is told they are bad and wrong, then they say to themselves and internalize the message of (at least I did growing up and well into my 20s), "I guess I am 'bad' and must do some 'bad' things now?" Almost like you are given license and expected to make bad choices, etc. (even though negative consequences can and will still occur).

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Tim, I used to run the family programs at addiction treatment clinics; I did observe this attitude in many of the inpatient residents being treated for addiction, and I did observe in the family meetings that there was a lot of scapegoating going on, i.e., the addicted adult child was in the family 'identified patient' role (in Family Systems terms). In general, a negative feedback loop would appear to develop early on in such cases, as you suggest.

[@taraarrington2285]

Yes they have invested in you being less than so they can be more. It's a relief understanding that role can be quite and you can be who you really are. Yayyy

[@carrieosborne7414]

Tim this completely happened to me.

[@christar9527]

It’s like they sabotage your success. I thought I was doing it to myself in my 20’s until recently (in my 60’s) I realize I was sabotaged by my father all the time who set me up for failures when in reality I had so much going for me.

[@taraarrington2285]

@@christar9527 yes. Good for you. You were probably targeted because you are gifted, not the other way around.

[@gloryrosebud]

I didn’t cry until I started healing.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Tears can be so cleansing.

[@Joshdifferent]

💯💯💯

[@cinder7183]

A stinking rotten kid who will never amount to anything. They're not around to see just how successful I became because I proved them wrong. I only wish I hadn't spent so much time fighting the poison they spewed. I did a lot of damage to myself working dangerous jobs, not taking care of myself. Hating myself because believed them for many years. Now that I've got a beautiful place to live, have what I need, I could die tomorrow and not care. People can effectively destroy someone without consequence. Most times its your own family.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Indeed - and an ugly truth that society has difficulty acknowledging. Not sure if you watched my first 'Bizarre Realities' video but you may relate to it, if not.

[@sirrantsalott]

I’m the truth telling child and I have always disliked being around my mother when she gossiped on the phone with her friends. I would leave the room because it felt gross. I was 5.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Gossip certainly can correlate to scapegoating behaviors!

[@anntrope491]

Yes...I'm the scapegoat, & an empath. My mother would say the phrase..." You're too sensitive !" All the time !! My step, & blood siblings had free reign, & no consequences for abusing me...physically, & other ways. & yes...I'm the truth teller, & the keeper of the family secrets. I left "home" at 14...the only way to escape these narcs. ,& abusers. I try to stay as far away from them all...as the disfunctional dynamic, & slander is ongoing. I have been discredited...less I speak out with the truth.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

One of the reasons my book (Rejected...) has a chapter dedicated to scapegoating and being the family Empath / truth-teller.

[@dgvfsa66]

You just described my life to a "T" (except I left home at 17, pregnant). Good times 😵‍💫

[@crisl9079]

😥😥

[@reesedaniel5835]

@@dgvfsa66 That happens to a lot of female scapegoats. And it only enforces their false narrative that we are the problem.

[@ClickTrain]

So many important insights in this video. Some key things for me were: At 5:00 minutes in, I really appreciate your comment that if family 'head' is a very strong or even malignant narcissist, this abuse is conscious and intentional. And at 6 minutes in, you talk about how some family members are 'allowed' to express some emotions and others are not 'allowed' this. And at 12:25 minutes, when you talk about the HSP not buying in to the distorted reality that the other family members live in. Thank you for sharing this!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you for this detailed comment; it helps me to know what I might want to expand upon in future videos. Glad you found this video helpful.

[@christar9527]

I had a malignant narcissist for a father. Was one of your family members a malignant narcissist?

[@karenmininni4962]

This video is outstanding. My mom would physically abuse me as a child and then tell me not to let anyone know when they arrived. I would tell her that I will let everyone know as soon as they arrived and I would instantly let it be known. I became the scapegoat being the truth teller.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, Karen. This dynamic can happen in both dysfunctional and narcissistic family systems - covert, versus open abuse of the Empath child. (I know this first-hand...) Thank you for your comment and I hope you subscribe, you haven't already.

[@propergunjah8726]

My father was a malignant narcissist. I'm starting to think my mom and sister are covert narcissists.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Here's an example of a covert narcissist parent, in case it rings any bells for you: kzbin.info/www/bejne/oJKpgGd3d8ajn5I

[@Ibelieveinathingcalledlove]

Thank you for another great video. I particularly related to the part about beginning to think that there was something wrong with me as an adolescent. I actually verbalized to my mother at around 14 that I was a “sick” chicken. At that age, I was very depressed and I would say that I was like a diseased chick and that people could tell and would target me. I knew what the pecking order was and I distinctly knew my place in it. The scapegoating abuse doesn’t end when you are away from your family. You carry and reflect outwards those wounds to any person willing to use your vulnerability against you. And there are many. I’m a survivor and thriver of this abuse. I’m proud of myself for learning how to self-protect and overcome my assigned family role. It feels good!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Very well said. And true. I believe I discuss this phenomenon in more detail in this video here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/mqjJdp2EmLSCfLs

[@TizzyLisch]

I was raised to believe that I am too sensitive, too dramatic, and laughed at for sometimes speaking up or trying to protect myself. Now, as an adult, I am struggling with my relationship with my only sibling. I am subordinated to getting only what he feels like giving me. If I dare ask for more care taken with my feelings, etc, I am told that I am attacking him. Then we commence a discussion about everything that is wrong and off-putting about me. I think I am ready to give up on the relationship. It's sad.

[@crisl9079]

Oh my gosh! I thought it was just me!😳 Same dynamic here. I was the empath/scapegoat/truth teller/lost child and my only brother the golden child. He looks down own on me and won’t even discuss our relationship…it’s difficult. I don’t understand why he despises me so much and has no desire to have any real relationship with me. It hurts. It’s like “you’re such a leper your lucky I even talk to you” type thing. He is civil but acts like he is my superior even though he’s my younger brother. I’m sorry to hear you and others are dealing with the same thing. If it’s any consolation, you can know you’re not alone in this. Hugs & God bless!

[@sageandcandle]

This is exactly me, all of it. I was ejected, in a dramatic way. I just saught counciling at 50. Thank you for doing this video.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You are most welcome. And I am glad you reached out to a professional for help in your recovery journey.

[@sageandcandle]

It has helped. I knew when dad died it was the only way to get through. Now I am building a life on my own, no contact. Finding my voice.

[@dnk4559]

Me too!