Why HEALTHY INFJ Doorslam Others

[@ErikThor]

This video was in part inspired by Clay Arnells video INFJ Doorslam Revisited, check it out if you want to hear more perspectives :)

[@katieandnick4113]

I don’t believe that a person who an INFJ door slams would do very much self reflection. If they were capable of that, we wouldn’t have door slammed them. Never say never, I guess, but this is my experience.

[@lorraine8962]

Great point - we process other’s emotions, before our own. I’m finally building healthy boundaries. I’m learning to put me first. The first step was to find out I was an INFJ!

[@KMR1776]

Door slam Is a not an option in a relationship, it's the end of a relationship. We live in a time where relationships are being used, abused and exploited, and the other person is simply collateral damage. I think do whatever you need to do to protect yourself.

[@lindawaxman570]

High opening. They think I am vulnerable and maybe lonely. When the few people I door slam show Narcissistic behavior to me, after a few times I immediately know they are needy in a negative way and toxic and I cut them off with no re-entry into my sphere .

[@coconoir6187]

Good job, girl. You did the right thing.

[@AndeAndrea]

Yep. I have 4-5 INFJ’s that work for me and recently ended a 20+ yr long friendship with my BFF that’s INFJ (she’s too unhealthy & I told her I’m still here for her, I just no longer want to speak); INFJs go thru energy cycles with people, what they can handle and what they can’t. Best to let them wander and come back when they choose. Healthy ones will always cut out those who drain them and are not in line with their path.

[@nibbleniks2320]

It is likely over dramatic to say, but I've found it to be a last ditch escape tool. It stops the pain and by then, that is all the other person is to me. Painful. They don't hear me ask them to stop. They just keep coming without any regard to me. There is no loss to me and likely, none to them either because I was genuinely not much more than a shadow to them. Thank you for an insightful presentation.

[@dieresis9]

Many similarities for INFP. One friendship I stopped abruptly was with a coworker where the level of friendship did not seem to progress (the idea of “naturalness” that you mentioned), but the demands on my time increased, e.g., wanting me to drop everything and go to lunch when he was free regardless how that worked for me.

[@ErikThor]

I've developed a really nice friendship with my INFJ neighbor. We sometimes cook for each others, and sometimes do errands for each others, or we have lunch together downstairs, but its very spontaneous, and effortless for both of us, and no demands are made. If we're busy, we're busy, and there's no hard feelings or pushing or pressuring for compromise.

[@anju5124]

@@ErikThor wow! I wish I had an infj friend. ~infj

[@seekeroflight3765]

INFJ, who always wants peace to be prevailing for both sides. A healthy INFJ, never do this to hurt or disgrace someone by a door slam. My understanding, they're strong intuition may detect an upcoming disturbance that will be against of their core value and integrity. But it is very hard to accept for who really feels INFJ. For me, I always wanted to see my favourite INFJ as laughter. You said truly, that INFJ attracts everyone. Which doesn't make any sense for INFJ. Only things matter that, all of them must be fine and happy. As my happiness lies on to see INFJ's so much happy and laughter, that make me surprise to identify myself.

[@katieandnick4113]

I’ve “door slammed” twice in my life. I’m 38, for reference. I must also mention that it’s always been relatively easy for me to back off from friendships, but not in a “door slamming” way, but more of a ghosting way. Or rather, I just stop reaching out to them, and they probably don’t think to reach out to me(through text or whatever, I haven’t had a close, in person platonic relationship since I was in high school), and so I don’t feel too bad about ceasing to continuing to do most of the work in the friendship. As far as actual “door slamming”, I did it once, after a 9 year relationship, someone with whom I have a child, once I concluded that he wasn’t capable of giving me what I was asking for, which was essentially for him to stop being completely devoid of emotions, and to stop antagonizing me on a daily basis. Probably about two years before I slammed the door, I realized it was over. I had a sense of freedom that, while I wish wasn’t necessary, I needed in order to be able to leave. I also met another guy online, and developed a very fast, what seemed deep at the time, emotional connection. Went on one date with him, and within a few days, broke it off with my ex. I can so clearly remember him sobbing on the kitchen floor, apparently shocked at what was happening. He took over a year to accept we would not get back together. And of course, I moved immediately into a very serious relationship with the new guy, who I am still with, 14 years later. We’ve also had many trials and tribulations in our relationship, from the very beginning; it’s as if I’m some sort of glutton for punishment. He is dismissive avoidant, which I finally discovered only about a month ago. We connect intellectually(though I can never be sure how much of it is him simply humoring me), and seggsually, but never have emotionally, for reasons obvious to anyone who knows about DAs. I am starting to feel myself pulling away from him, which is so strange, because I have always been the one more invested in our relationship. Not sure what I’m going to do. We do have children, which makes it a trillion times harder, because unlike my ex, he’s a very active, very wonderful father. I think I may just devote all of my energy to my kids, and work, and try to maintain some semblance of whatever connection we had/have, or at least the illusion of it, because i can’t allow my kids to lose their dad, and I am quite certain if I were to leave him, he would not do well at all. At all. I also “door slammed” my older sister, after about 20 years of her refusing to deal with her mental illness, and being emotionally abusive towards me. That one was easier, because I disconnected from her years and years before I last made contact.

[@laurasmith4639]

I’m upgrading my door slam. I’ve done 2 in person, really slamming the actual door 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@MsTankieX]

It’s funny how accurate this is. I had a friend who wanted too much attention, calling 8 hours a day, always talks about her problems, became very dependent on my emotional support. It was so exhausting I had to cut it off. I like helping people and I felt horrible doing so, but I’m learning to put myself first and set healthier boundaries. I feel bad door-slamming people but it’s almost unconscious at the time until I reflect on it. -INFJ

[@Dani-jo9yr]

Well, amen from ENFJ, resonant 💯 here!!!!! Absolutely me😬😵‍💫

[@grumpyschnauzer]

Dealing with this in a new company… feeling sucked in and manipulated but can’t put my finger on it… so I wait but now I know I need to start exercising some boundaries.

[@poetsrear]

Good stuff, hits home 👍 Feeling like the Openness really is the key. I blurt out anything nowadays. Never realized it's that "I'm showing an example" and expect the same in return. Well I suppose I've FELT it, but never heard it conceptualized into words like you did.

[@lovedalot]

Example is a person calling to complain for an hour or 2 + talking bad about ppl we were friends for years but I abruptly stopped talking to her forever she spread rumors about me high and low I didn’t care though ppl outside judgements don’t effect me more over when it’s lies….. I knew a lot about her that I could spread but I’m not like that I will take it to my grave regardless of not being friends….. but it was another point that let me know I did make the right decision to ice her out and she never apologized instead she tried to attack me for dropping out all together…. ofc I’m not responding to that either

[@coconoir6187]

I did the same to a once-close friend. If your friend does not respect your boundaries, but talks badly behind your back when you are no longer in "her circle." that is narcissist's favorite "triangulation" and she never was your friend.

[@nibbleniks2320]

Perfect explanation. Perfect.

[@DelightsandWonder]

Good video Erik 👍🏻 It really resonated with my life experience

[@callyupnorth5524]

So true every point

[@kimmi9697]

i would guess that any type could doorslam someone depending on the personal, situational, and/or environmental stress. as an INTJ, i have seen it in my own life as a maturity arc which i don't think gets talked about enough in personality theory content. from my own life as an example, i would doorslam more when younger but i was also trying to be more social when younger. at the current version of myself i doorslam nearly never (or much earlier and thusly less dramatic) and i've accepted that humans should be kind and respect everyone but not everyone needs to be or should be considered a friend. a friend to me, is more meaningful than just someone to swap stories with. and with my Fi, my personal definition of friendship takes precedence and is how i live my life. i can therefore extrapolate that strong Fe personalities may have more difficulty with setting this boundary as they would be more likely to continue to extravert or engage in the feelings of others. thus the doorslam could extend longer into their lifespan and it may be harder to build the discipline to know when they need to disengage to protect their own well-being. it would also be interesting to look into the doorslam concept with all personality types' Fe/Fi prominence in their cognitive stack and build more solid Se facts around what can be observed

[@gideonmele1556]

I can’t help but laugh as I have finally reached my limit with an ENTP. Have a family member in hospice and when she didn’t even bother to ask how he was when I mentioned his condition on why I’d be late responding, was called a “drama queen.” 2 years of selfishness, ending because of a lack of social awareness and common decency. Not even responding to her, she’ll just thrive off the turmoil and there’s no benefit to either of us. Timely it popped up in my recommended. Certainly a sour taste As a doorslam this will have been the 3rd in my life. Feels weird man

[@coconoir6187]

You did the right thing. She IS the drama queen, not you. It's called "projection." I doorslam people, who proved themselves to be disrespectful to me and toxic. No reason to keep them in my life. Glad you did.

[@denisefuentes7905]

Insult!!!

[@lovedalot]

I do this

[@japanesereadingandwriting]

👍

[@billyb4790]

Wrong. Healthy infjs wouldn’t be so prone to narcissistic people in the first place. The trouble is infjs are so self righteous that they want to find a narc if only because they will end up “doorslammjng” them later. It’s a way of the infj feeling superior and it’s a very sick way to live.

[@coconoir6187]

I disagree. Our warm gestures to care about others attract narcs, unfortunatly, because they are always looking for prey and our warmness is very recognizable to them. You are not an INFJ so you are reading us wrong. We do not do things to feel superior or act self-righteous. We doorslam "UNHEALTHY" people who defile our unique human selves by their controlling mind and mold us into "their" image. We INFJs don't care about whether someone is superior or not. We are not out there to "win" like you are suggesting. (Perhaps your projection?) We want harmony, we would intentionally lose to let others win. It is not sick to doorslam. It is our choice to keep our freedom to be ourselves in our own world and you must respect our choice. We don't do things the way you would do, we are different people. we belong to our own kind, not your kind. You must learn to accept us the way we are. If you are a person who respect other people's boundaries, our boundaries should not bother you.

[@billyb4790]

@@coconoir6187 it's all subconscious. You just can't see it.

[@coconoir6187]

What you say about us is your projection. You sound like YOU want to feel superior to us by putting us down. You have sn issue when you no longer get reactions from us. You are most likely ESXX/ISXX. You want to feel superior to us. We INFJs don't care about whether we are superior. We would rather not. So you really don't know us. You are a sensor type, who crave attention from people, you don't have intuition like INXX/ENXX so you can't see what we see and why we avoid your type. Look, you enjoy getting my attention by criticizing my type. See? For example, an INTP person would not doorslam but he would objectively understand where our doorslsmming tactic comes from by thinking logically and would never criticslize us as emotionally as you do. The fact that you have to criticize us with so much negative emotion tells me it's personal and subjective and perhaps you have been doorslammed. Ask a reputable psychologist. - A HEALTHY iNFJ

[@billyb4790]

@@coconoir6187 wrong. I'm INFJ. So now what, dick?

[@poetsrear]

Wait... That's narcissism ABC. But you say "INFJ want's to find a narc" ? Your default thinking and primary associations sound much like a narcissism. Expectancy of self importance and superiority. Yeah fuck that, that ain't INFJ.