Why I Don’t Like the “Good-Enough Mother” Concept -- And How Easily It Is Misused

[@island661]

Yes, I've been told this before. 'Awwww...I'm sure your mom did the best she could.' 🤮 No, she didn't, and far from it.

[@Emile-philia]

Could have been Daniel who said this before (I don't remember) but I think it neatly summarised: your parents tried their best, *unless they didn't!*

[@maymorton7390]

i. told u before u are a genius! original thinker , may i add that thereis no colleges to qualify in how to be a good parent , ideally every. parent could serve or be an apperentice to good parents to learn the skill of how to address a child at different stages of thier life your discription of good parenting exists at woldorf steiner schools , still it might not appeal to most . luv u

[@jnl3564]

It's almost like people are saying "a child needs to be a little damaged to fit into this damaged world." They arent considering that an emotionally healthy adult doesnt need to fit into a damaged world to be happy. Also, it's a way to passify parents' guilt (healthy guilt IMO) over their mountain of failures. I'm still undecided whether this is good or not. I also think a lot of people believe that meeting a child's needs is kind of idealistic or utopian bullshit and not reality. I have faith that it's possible, even if it takes consistent effort over a few generations. It's a family tradition worth starting!

[@Earl_E_Burd]

Great post. I have noticed when speaking critically of my own childhood experiences that it can easily trigger the "parents guilt" in other parents. Parenting looks like an impossible task for imperfect humans to get right and therefore can be incredibly humbling. This is why forgiveness for being imperfect is still the area in which I have a divide with some of Daniel's takes (especially in his great book on Breaking From Your Parents) but I am still open to exploring the concept, at least for during my grieving process. If I can't forgive my own mother, can I really claim to be a forgiving and compassionate person? That burden is too heavy to carry and would likely express itself through either psychosomatic illness or dysfunction in the psyche.

[@waynemizer4912]

@@Earl_E_Burd ... Every mother isn't worthy of forgiveness, especially the ones that refuse to acknowledge their crimes.

[@neon75105]

For most people "good-enough" means, "as long as the child is fed, well-dressed, 'educated,' and with a roof --that's enough." This is never good-enough, and if you dare challenge this notion they will turn the argument around and shame you: "you have it better than other poor kids." I have had the same observation as you, "the more the child's needs are met, the easier [and faster] they break away from their parents. [They become independent, assertive, and authentic human beings]." To clarify, this happens to a degree; I'm yet to find a human being whose parents were focused on the child's needs rather than prioritizing their own.

[@neon75105]

@@xslt1692 Not sure on what you are trying to write. If there (say for the U.S.) was a communal effort to take care of children instead of just saying that "it's his or her parents' responsibility," it would be great. However, it must be noticed that the parents are essential for the child; the child may even die if he is deprived of the mother.

[@neon75105]

@@xslt1692 I would have to read on it. I'm unsure on the validity of your assertion, but if you suggest me any readings on the topic I'll take a look.

[@lifeasvocation1557]

Yep. And it creates a child who grows into an equally self absorbed and lost egotist who then does the same to their children. People want an ego identity as a “mom” or a “dad”. They do this at the expense of the child.

[@sojournerkarunatruth4406]

@@solarydaysAll sentient beings have a survival instinct (with the exception of the mountain goats 🐐 who’s horns extend into their own skull 💀 thus ending their life, S L O W L Y #natureisweird). I wonder what would happen, if I could imagine that I had a ‘fulfillment instinct’ rather than just survival (or exist 😐)?… 🌞🤔🌛

[@sojournerkarunatruth4406]

More than just goats naturally, help keep the population at a “controlled” statistic, tho: kzbin.info/www/bejne/nmexcn2vnMlmjck

[@Hemulionbotanisti]

We have low standards on parenting. Everything is good enough. If you say it enough times it's truth, right? Excellent video! 🙏

[@oompaloompa9139]

Expectation placed on a child is to be perfect enough to make parents happy (or proud). Expectation on the parents is just to be good enough that the child doesn't starve to death.

[@cradleofalex]

That pretty much summarizes the extended family cult.

[@Sil26439]

A psychologist said once: "Damaged parents don't know how to raise a child who is healthy, so they need to damage it because otherwise they wouldn't know how to parent it..." I was very surprised hearing those words, but then realized it's true.

[@yvonneshanson1525]

Wow !..👌❣

[@Sketch_Sesh]

@@xslt1692 You’re right, it’s not rocket science. There’s a lot of apologists and excusers trying to normalize abuse

[@Earl_E_Burd]

Clip its wings so it doesn't fly away

[@laurah2831]

There's a difference between showing a child how to deal with mistakes and failure so that they can be confident and secure. And failing a child.

[@gauloise6442]

I'll bet these mothers who are "good enough" when around their child, are absolutely perfect when they talk about their family life to their friends and neighbors. So many women have children/use their child to affirm their status in a community, the part about nurturing their young is a mere afterthought and nuisance.

[@TheFriendlyAntinatalist]

Unfortunately many women are indoctrinated by the pronatalist imperative where they live and where their societal/community status literally depends on if and how many children they can have.

[@upendasana7857]

This is so sadly true.I see it each and every day..a child is merely seen as some other accessory like a car or a dog nowadays.Some other indicator of your social worth and suitability

[@gauloise6442]

@@TheFriendlyAntinatalist Calling it indoctrination takes away from the woman's responsibility. Not all mothers are this way, like all abuse, it is a choice.

[@Nyu90]

I have been listening to your videos for long time. I truly appreciate it and grateful to you Daniel.

[@James_David]

So so true. The more a parent meets needs of their child, the more internal resources the child has to become independent on their on accord

[@michaelxu7951]

Hey Daniel. I feel like what you said perfectly describes me as my parents constantly failed to meet my needs when I was little which eventually made me clingy and codependent in relationship as an adult and I also may have a fear of abandonment due to my resolved traumas from my childhood.

[@thebeigesheep6132]

In my social work class recently we were discussing childhood trauma and my professor said her kids aren't traumatized even though she struggled to always be there for them. And this video came to mind. Couldn't believe a professional would say that. Its true that there are real issues with people in therapy who haven't done their own work trying to teach others.

[@lifeasvocation1557]

I was taught to be my moms emotional care taker and am just now in my late 30s beginning to no longer play the game. It becomes our responsibility as adults to see through ourselves first and then we will know the truth about our parents. This can be shocking as you often outline but the truth is shocking then it turns into healing. The world is nothing like we were brainwashed into thinking it is just like our own households are nothing like we think they are. Well done Daniel.

[@BlynkyLand]

My mother did OK until she left. Then she did nothing, outside of the requisite (and brief) birthday phone call. It took me a long time to realize that was nowhere near good enough.

[@alexxx4434]

Being a relly good parent undermines the current society. And a healthy child WILL have problems in the society later on.

[@sarahcouture24]

I totally agree! The concept of the “good enough” parent is such a cop out that only serves to make inadequate parents not feel so guilty. I mean, in theory it makes sense I guess, but I could definitely see how it could be used wrongly in practice. I cringe when I hear an obviously screwed up adult proclaiming their parents raised them right! Ugh! Makes me wanna puke 🤢

[@matthewrobinson6986]

I think there is enough ambiguity in winnicott to read his concept in different ways. Whilst I understand Daniel’s point that the concept of good enough mother can be used to give a free pass to mothers who really are not good enough, it is also true there is no such thing as a perfect mother. However good and attentive and attuned a parent, there will be times they don’t quite meet the child’s needs. Frustration is part of the human condition. Although I’m sure it’s also true that parents who are better attuned and allow the child to move on when they are ready produce better results. I think winnicott was trying to soothe worried parents believing their anxiety would actually detract from good enough parenting.

[@oliverschroder3944]

I honor you so much man, you set the tone pretty good in a more and more crumbling world

[@dlm972]

I agree, I remember reading a book on cptsd that mentioned this concept and it didn't sit right with me because on reflecting on my parents, they might be considered "good enough" relative to some other parents because I wasn't physically beaten or anything, however the unconscious covert emotional abuse has caused me a lot of psychological harm which makes it difficult for me to function. But like you said, this world is so messed up that is if really a good sign to be high functioning in this backwards society? It seems like a lose lose. Being conscious isolates you and causes a lot of suffering. But being unconscious makes you part of the problem and leads to suffering as well.

[@Muuhinatotto]

You’re videos are so underrated . I noticed that as a person who have suffered childhood neglect and have been gaslighted and retraumatized by my family. I have been told by social workers and psychiatrists , friends of my mother to take care of my mother instead of letting me grieve and be nurtured , and they sided with my mother like it’s completely normal, defend parents over children .I have a longlasting physical and mental illness that was neglected by parents since I was a baby but no one cared. I lost hope in healing with professional help but realized that most people were screwed.

[@Emefur1]

I never liked that “good enough” mother concept. Just never sat right with me either. But couldn’t put it into words. Good to see someone has critiqued it !!

[@laurah2831]

Implies that if the child doesn't feel good enough it's because of an inherent flaw

[@yvonneshanson1525]

Omg! Thank you for saying the right words! I m so triggered by this notion.. In Greece even celebrities use these bs to describe how they parent and people applaud !. Sickness overload. What you describe is developmental trauma and fragmentation which leads to disorders, fetisches etc in adult life.. Teal Swan, who I often listen to, consistently refers to it as the root of most people's ailments...

[@TVans-vs3gn]

Well said.

[@personalfreedom2700]

Although i think the excuses “did the best they could” “didnt know any better” “its how i was raised” etc are all pathetic excuses… i do believe most people really are useless OVERALL

[@1life744]

On point Daniel.

[@ninax23]

I love this video so much - one of your best, Daniel.

[@theelectricalengineer]

Yes. So true. Because so few children actually get raised naturally, according to their needs, no-one actually realises it's even possible and normal for a child to grow up without any force

[@phendranaa]

Everyone needs to hear this! Glad I found you.

[@TheFriendlyAntinatalist]

It should be noted that at the time this quote was written, in 1951, parenthood was an obligation and not a choice - only the richest had access to abortion at that time, and young women were raised with the expectation to become mothers by a strong pronatalist culture, and had severe social penalties to pay for not choosing or embracing motherhood.

[@upendasana7857]

It's true but I still feel like many parents now who have choices,access to contraception and abortion and yet still I think the expectations and bar for parenting is still very low.It still feels like a social expectation to gave children and many choose this in order to feel socially legitimate on some way or not have to deal with their own issues of finding meaning and purpose without children.We just do not talk enough about what good parenting is or what children need to develop healthy and happy.

[@oompaloompa9139]

In other words, they chose to breed misery, to avoid being social misfits. And now their damaged children "owe them", for the "gift of life". How pathetic is that.

[@juliajules8822]

@@oompaloompa9139 naw, thats your own projection man. Get some help

[@oompaloompa9139]

@@juliajules8822 you think i need help because you've invalidated my perception of reality? Get over yourself. I'm not going to change my beliefs because you said so.

[@paperfrost]

The most important time to be securely attached to your mother is from birth to age 3 or 4. My mother gave that secure attachment to me! She allowed me to explore the environment, provided me with educational interaction, and basically focused all her energies on giving me a good start in life. Many people do not get to have that foundation, but if the importance of this time were explained to mothers and fathers and they were given the supports they needed to provide their children with a secure start the world would change entirely. But Daniel, this isn’t an unusual experience. Loving mothers are the ones who raise the Mister Rogers of the world.

[@waynemizer4912]

The 'Mister Rogers' of the world are few. We wouldn't know of him as being special if people like him were common.

[@jokettedj]

Wow, when you said about people who ARE awake, aware and connected to themselves and how messed up the world is, they are the ones who DONT function well in society. Thanks Daniel. xxx

[@daniellfourie]

I used tonsay that about my upbringing, until now going no contact and reclaiming my self worth. "They abandoned, physically and verbally harmed you for your own good". This just doesn't seem to sound right anymore!

[@havadatequila]

Winnicott wasn't rationalizing bad parenting. a "good enough" parent is one who neither suffocates their kid with concern, nor neglects them. A "good enough" parent will allow their kid to eventually strike out into the work to figure out their own life. the colloquial "meh, i did my best" parent is in no way related to Winnicott.

[@amandatenney3028]

This concept of the good-"nough parent and all the defenses is just disgusting to me. Failing a child is the breeding ground to trauma, while the more a prent truly raises the child lovingly, the more secure the child is about not neding them. We can want to keep aelationship with healthy parents without needing them. Functional doesn't mean healthy. My healthiness was often seen as my dysfunction.

[@Earl_E_Burd]

Winnicott influenced Alice Miller's work (along with Kohut and Bowlby). Thanks for taking on this common rationalization that we've all heard and sometimes maybe even tell to our split self.

[@Earl_E_Burd]

She survived World War II as a Jewess in Poland. Her son Martin states, in his insightful book, that he believes Alicija's "inability to be a loving mother is due to the firmly encapsulated trauma of the years of persecution from 1939 until 1945." In the book he makes some deep connections to her behaviors by working through his own biography. I am grateful for their published works in helping me navigate my own journey of understanding.

[@christinebadostain6887]

One of the worst sayings ever is "they did the best they could"---my response is extreme but I think makes a valid point, "Well, then that means that you could say that about Hitler." Most of us humans don't come near doing the best we can because if this is our best then we are doomed and I don't believe we are doomed we just need to grow up!

[@christinebadostain6887]

@@xslt1692 I don't know what you mean by "you got things messed up", but thank you for responding. Actually, I don't understand most of your reply----apologies

[@ruthm1384]

Exactly what I've said to people. And I use the example of a heart surgery. If I, as an unskilled person, without any training or degrees in cardiology and surgery, would perform a heart surgery on someone, I would surely cause some serious damage because I have no idea what I'm doing. But in that case, nobody would say, "oh, don't worry, you did the best you could, it's alright!" NO! It's not alright and people know it! Someone just got seriously injured or died because of my lacking skills. I should not have started the operation in the first place! It's the truth. And I definitely would not be left off the hook for seriously damaging someone like that. But for some reason we don't see how this relates to parenting. We need healing! So that we aren't unskilled to parent and thus dangerous to our children. Me included, as a parent.

[@christinebadostain6887]

@@ruthm1384 Thank you and yours is another very good analogy. I particuarly appreciated what you said about being left off the hook for that but not being on the hook for parenting. Right!?!?!?

[@Kaliyoga13]

Thank you Daniel! Great, insightful video as always

[@pianoredux7516]

In my humble opinion Mr. Mackler is referring to the colloquially misunderstood and layman-misapplied usage of "the good enough mother" rather than the concept correctly understood and used by actual trained clinical practitioners (yes, I realize that he himself was a clinical practitioner). I agree the phrase "good enough mother" is widely, and easily, misconstrued. I also strongly submit, with due respect to the insightful Mr. Mackler, that the concept illustrates a fundamental truth, in some ways better than classical Freudian theory.

[@meenki347]

Abuse your children. so, they're prepared for an abusive world. Face palm

[@shadeofthelivinglight6980]

I guess there were a lot of moms (in his consulting room which he somewhat irresponsibly generalized to all of england and all mothers) that were overly anxious about parenting perfectly and maybe winnicott saw that anxiety as impinging on the child's exploration and development of a true self. Trying to relieve some of that pressure without thinking about how the term might be used as an excuse later. IN WINNICOTT'S DEFENSE kind of But i also agree and (related to this) become furious when people talk about "fit" between parent and child as an excuse. It's like, no, you're the adult. your child is not "not a good fit" for you. Your child bears no responsibility here and literally cannot survive without you. Get over yourself.

[@shadeofthelivinglight6980]

​@@xslt1692 I think I agree with you mostly (parents should work out their own anxieties, hopefully pre-parenthood), and I agree with Daniel that the concept is grossly misused/overused. I think Winnicott was responding to a very specific phenomena in the women he was treating at that time and then somewhat irresponsibly shared that idea with all of England and beyond. I do not believe, however, that his intentions were to excuse child abuse through the use of the term "good enough". I do not think that Winnicott ever said that it was good for children to be traumatized. He would see that as an extreme impingement on a child's development of self. I think that the statements he's making about "failures" are in reference mostly to infancy. The infant may initially believe that he/she is omnipotent and able to will mother's breast into existence. This belief around omnipotence, however, is inevitably frustrated (mother can't always be there in an instant, mother can't always soothe immediately) and the infant is confronted with the fact that he/she is a separate subject. I *think* that this is what Winnicott meant, but I could definitely be wrong.

[@goncalocartaxana]

possibly one of your best videos ! 💪😁👌

[@upendasana7857]

"Good enough" as you say is the most meaningless concept ever.There is nothing scientific about it there is no way to measure what good enough is.As you say what is good enough? Giving children food and shelter or making sure they attend school? We have to have more conversations about the developmental needs of children.We need tv programmes and classes in schools and colleges for parents as well so that the developmental needs of children can be better understood.It is too much of a lottery and not enough people understand what makes a healthy happy human.

[@susancrowther2990]

Excellent analysis. I really learned from that and concur. In my mind, Winnicott’s theory isn’t the problem. It’s the jumping onto that theory by neurotic working parents, who want to absolve themselves of their parenting responsibilities. Winnicott certainly wasn’t advocating for children to be glued to TikTok 24/7 or to be handed iPads at the breakfast table from the age of 2 or 3. ‘Good enough parenting’ was a child-centric theory, which suggested gently transitioning the infant towards increasing independence and self-reliance. Seventy years later, it seems to be a bandwagon for assuaging the guilt of parents who are too busy and self-absorbed to be parents.

[@veruc_w]

This brings us also to two main things children need: security and exploration (I think also according to Winnicott); if children aren't feeling safe, they can't explore. That's why I'm happy in my small flat and peaceful in my safe comfort zone.

[@108u9]

8:37 Surprise! It’s 2024 and people like Gary Vaynerchuk still get on their platforms and spout off the same nonsense. Encouraging parents to not be “soft” with their children because they will fail later in life. It’s maybe no surprise he split from his wife and children and then got together with a young girl as his girlfriend. Rather than gifting his wife and children a complete, nurturing, sheltering home as a co-creating partner and a loving parent, the focus is on “8th place trophies” and being too soft. The problem is emotionally immature people don’t look at themselves (even if they loudly and publicly claim to like Gary Vaynerchuk does). It’s easier to explain away any cognitive dissonance, to logically justify a lack rather than face the reality that they desperately need to show up better.

[@thebeigesheep6132]

Daniel can you do a video on the topic of post event rumination? Like struggling overthinking your performance in social situations after the fact?

[@Emile-philia]

Daniel, great point about letting parents off the hook. This reminds me so much of "healthy narcissism" in its application - perhaps never intended, but certainly it provides a very firm handle for the wrong people to apply it as they see fit. It shouldn't be so easy from the very beginning per design. I agree 100% that concepts like these need to be more carefully defined and termed.

[@laurar.2866]

For many people, "good enough" means I will improve what my parents did wrong in one aspect, and then I will be good enough. But it isn't true, as many of us know.

[@lepetitchat123]

Nobody is ever good enough to be parents.

[@veruc_w]

Very important video. Thanks a lot!

[@zoe440]

Hello Daniel and anyone else reading this. I highly recommend Aware Parenting by Aletha Solter and to also look up Marion Rose PhD. We as parents can't be perfect but we can continually strive to be better! And we all need support too.

[@CrossRoadsMethod]

Can you talk about the Devouring Mother?

[@anthonyiacobucci3652]

I think that the "good enough" concept is valid....but only if the parents really are good enough. But like he said, too many parents aren't and we say they were because the person becomes "functional". I think the true good enough concept is applicable to rupture and repair between infant and mother...but they were only good enough is if they were good enough to have a non-traumatized child who retains the authentic self to a large degree. Then they were good enough, which is very few parents. Very few parents are good enough. Maybe 5%

[@lifeasvocation1557]

Thank you 🙏 🙏🙏

[@veganphilosopher1975]

Is your problem more how people used the concept of good enough or what Winnicot actually said. Big fan of you

[@dmackler58]

Both, actually…

[@ethericshadows1303]

@@dmackler58 what do you think about the founding fathers of the United states.

[@annajaworska3627]

Winnicott's words quoted by you remind me of an adult type male feeling left out by his wife. He perceived her as a maternal figure mostly for himself. Child's fundamental needs can wait.

[@aie_aie_]

I totally agree with what you say 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 I add this nuance: it would be naive to believe that because we have great parents, we necessarily become a fulfilled adult in the world. You can have great parents and be anxious, crushed, depressed, etc. Why? 1 / the world is what it is, and it's overwhelming in itself; 2 / there are events of the "accident" type which traumatize us, or daily violence that we identify late, for example at school, and the high quality of the parents will not completely cancel this out; 3 / real good parents would be parents who have already experienced and analyzed/deconstructed everything, including toxicity, culture, perverse systems, "keys" to our world, and who can, when they bring you up, intelligently transmit all of this to us, without interference, without contradictions, with patience, and ideally with practical experience at the same time. It is an extremely rare cocktail, if not impossible. So no, having great parents doesn't prevent you from feeling very bad, from becoming an outcast. 😬 On the other hand, I do admit that the love and intelligence I received gave me a resource (a kind of unbreakable thing deep inside me) that a lot of people don't have. And the more I become aware of this "thing", the more unbreakable I am. ❤️ (My parents were young, they were beautiful, hyper opened to any conversation or even taboo subject, creative artists, independent, super super funny, they had and still have lots of talents and are always learning new things, while being calm, modest, encouraging for everyone they meet. They NEVER say anything toxic. They gave me and my brother a great childhood. We sometimes followed them on tour. They taught us simple happiness. The pleasure of nature. Love for animals (we have become anti-speciesists). When I was unhappy at school, they allowed me to quit school and study at home. Etc. That doesn't make them "perfect" parents. Because they didn't have a full life before they made me, so they weren't prepared for certain things, including wickedness. They had never seen, let alone thoroughly analyzed, a toxic person. So I was very poorly prepared for this. And when I met some later in my life, it was rough.) So my conclusion is that a good parent should be incredibly healed of their own family, incredibly fulfilled and available, but also incredibly knowledgeable about the world and human functioning in general. Because just being benevolent is not enough. You have to know the cognitive biases. The psychological traps. The physical dangers. There are so many people who believe in being caring and eat baby animals at every meal! It shows how easy blindness is, unless you "storm" the subject, in a very voluntary way.

[@MaggieMay1013]

I’m a clinical psychologist, and I’ve never once heard this concept used to excuse neglect or abuse. If you’ve read and studied Winnicott you should also know that he wasn’t arguing for neglecting children or intentionally not meeting their needs. Rather he was attempting to capture the idea that all parents will inevitably fail to meet their children’s needs in some ways at times and that’s ok. Failing to meet a child’s needs in this context doesn’t mean neglecting or abusing children. There’s a huge difference between not meeting every need and being a neglectful or abusive parent.

[@Jae-by3hf]

You are a clinical psychologist and missed Daniel’s point? 🤔 He also mentions that parents will sometimes not meet every childs need, because parents are human, but they will consistently try too! You sound like the, “I fed, clothed and gave you a roof” parent and feel attacked about being a neglectful parent!

[@marian9802]

I think Winnecott compared the Good Enough Mother to the Dead Mother - someone who is for any reason just not there for the child, contributing to the cluster B personality changes

[@davidcawrowl3865]

Bravo! Points well-made. Think of the harm that has been done because of this ill-posited concept. "Good-enough"--really?? Not hardly.

[@Andi_CCR]

I’ve been sick to death of having to hear my mother say, “ Well parents aren’t given a guidebook on parenting.” What a cop out!

[@idcb6718]

Nice haircut Daniel

[@dancing0nthe3dge]

Guess winnicott never heard of childhood emotional neglect.

[@superdeluxesmell]

I believe the concept originated from the notion that the worst thing a mother can do in interacting with their child is be filled with anxiety. The idea that they are ‘good enough’ is intended to address this.

[@alistairproductions]

Well a misapplication is different than a flawed concept, unless he saw it coming

[@vanessac1965]

Yeah I always felt this concept was bs too intuitively.

[@madebyreuben3402]

I knew something was wrong with this concept just couldn't articulate it

[@mollyringwerm9224]

My understanding was that the stage of disillusionment...the stage after the illusion of union with mother and of having all the needs met...was the natural progression in psychological separation. If she's sometimes frustrating, then she must be other than the self. I know Mahler's theory of symbiosis is debated, but anyone that has been raised by a pathological narcissist or has known well can see that they literally don't understand the concept of other. Even studies on a visual level have found that.

[@TA-ln8qs]

Excellent Critique.

[@RhenanMartinsRepoem]

Você sempre cirúrgico 🤩.

[@b.660]

5:22

[@zoekothe3457]

You’re awesome.

[@judithmarks-jacoby2385]

This feels like trolling! If you were professional you could admit fear of misunderstanding and thereby exploitative use of "less than good" mothers, sure, but follow it up with your knowledge of the intended comprehension of "failure" in the Witticot context. He means the baby's growing capability to cope with PERCEIVED failure of the mother, like not being able to snap her into existence anymore bc she is going back to work now and is leaving them with a different caregiver for instance, or making them go to school the first day, let them/make them pick out their own clothes (appropriate) or enforcing consequences when the rules are broken. It does not say failure to love your child unconditionally, to discourage and insult the child, failure to feed the child or leave them with an unsafe caregiver, to consistently disappoint and future fake the child, or enforce consequences with abuse or neglect or withdrawal of presence. Attacking the concept makes you seem phony and layman. Why not teach what being "good enough" means from the scientific (reality) glass-half-empty approach? Purport the species instead of yourself and you could keep yourself relevant to many for a long time instead of just a self made "expert" forgotten otten. Your opportunistic, misogynistic, disingenuous play on this is so unimaginative and typical.

[@ProfessorBorax]

Interesting, I actually appreciate the idea of a good enough parent as I understood it (the literal sense). I decided my parents weren't good enough for instance. But it sets the idea of what a parent should do is not be perfect but be able to own their flaws and connect with their children so they feel safe on the whole. Parents can make mistakes and still be good parents, they don't need to be completemy flawless to raise their children well. They just need to be human, and healthy.

[@currentoccupant1742]

Wouldn't it be wonderful if the world and all parents were perfect

[@ingweking8748]

I want to be mother in future. I don't just want to be a good enough mother. I don't just want to do the bare minimum.

[@kilbridemeredith8742]

Seems we are going backwards. -from Texas

[@Melanie-vc6jb]

Good enough is so much richer than what you present it to be. Parents tend to feel unwarranted guilt over so many things when it comes to raising children. This concept brings a needed balance, allows parents to retain their self, integrate all of their social roles and still be left with a rich life when children leave the nest. If anyone uses good enough as an excuse for neglect or abuse, the way you put it, that's missing the point of the concept entirely.

[@Jae-by3hf]

It’s so easy for “parents” to use this term! Parenting is so bad now and it is normalised to be bad! I feel sorry for these children! They didn’t ask to be here!

[@prima-luce]

I wonder to what extent empathic failure on the mother's part influences the child's functional outcome, independent of other variables. One mother might fail to accommodate all her infant's needs while remaining sufficiently empathetic, whereas another may respond superficially to her child's needs despite inner detachment or some empathy deficit. The depressed versus borderline or narcissistic mother, for example. A depressed mother may transiently meet her child's needs, having the capacity to, while the mother high in trait narcissism fails as such, to a certain degree, if not wholly and enduringly, given her tendency to conceptualize her child as an object, through which she projectively identifies. According to Winnicott, a mother's ability to attune to her child's needs matters only in the formative years, but doesn't adolescence constitute the second critical period of development for a child's brain and socioemotional well-being? If attachment styles are dynamic and in flux throughout various life stages (which the evidence increasingly suggests), why not overall psychological adjustment? Does the parent's affective warmth or lack thereof interact synergistically with the failure to meet the child's needs to produce some outcome specific to those dimensions? I remember reading a paper (I have the source for anyone interested) indicating at least some correlation between the etiology of callous-unemotional traits and particular parent-child dyad relations - evidentially, maternal coldness plus over-control and low paternal overprotection converge as a likely set of circumstances to “create” the empathically impoverished person. I know there is a lot more complexity and nuance behind the origin of this dysfunction, but it was an interesting find nonetheless. I wonder if the metric by which Winnicott judged his standard of the "good-enough mother" is simply the child's ability to empathize or connect meaningfully to others rather than resemble some arbitrary societal construct of the "functional" person. As for fostering the capacity for love or connectedness, I felt, on intuition alone at first, that any negligence on the caretaker's part to meet the child's emotional needs (in the absence of overt abuse) would deny the child the internal resources to authentically intimate with others. I refer principally to emotional neglect. Its invisibility, the insidiousness of its course, and the resulting lack of recourse for sufferers of this unidentifiable, ghostly strain of trauma, emotional neglect, to me, as an isolated experience may potentially wreak more psychological damage than abuse. Of course, implicit in the abusive environment is emotional neglect, but I've also speculated (given the lack of correlation between abuse and what we informally decree “psychopathic” behavior) that siblings and extended family faced with visible adversity may insulate the victimized from the profoundly devastating effect of relational estrangement (otherwise precipitated by emotional deprivation). What I noticed also was the sheer volume of mass shooters and killers coming from middle-class or prosperous backgrounds, ostensibly good homes, with no record of domestic violence or abuse in the family history. However, many of the perpetrators, after their apprehension and ensuing examination by a psychologist, presented with schizoid and narcissistic features. Unsurprisingly, narcissistic and schizoid traits share a developmental origin in the false self system, a defensive response to rejection on the caregiver’s part to their needy, human, “real” self. And why, then, is there a better prognosis for those high in borderline traits from DBT than the schizoid or narcissistic person? Psychopathology relating to under-control seem more amenable to treatment efforts than those relating to over-control and the highly fabricated, controlled, and structured “false self.” Childhood emotional neglect, I feel, should really be given more attention and consideration as a valid trauma pathway to future dysfunction. This is why when I hear about criminals coming from “good” family homes and being labeled as bad seeds or evidence of some children being born wicked, it doesn’t sit right with me. > “Well, I was abused, and I didn’t become ‘psychopathic.’” But when you look at the correlation between parental overvaluation and narcissism or emotional parentification and Machiavellianism, as tentative as these links are, it at least suggests emotional neglect as potentiating what we consider “deviant” behavior?

[@ehhhh5536]

If you're looking for an excuse you'll find one. Whether it's in parenting or any other aspect of life. The original concept is clearly outdated, but I think the modern application has value. Particularly with millennial parents who are probably the first generation to be explicitly aware of generational trauma in their own parenting. We're not talking about our children missing out on basics needs which was probably covered under the original concept. We're now talking about not beating ourselves up because we were too sick to take our child to a swimming lesson so we missed one class. Our expectations have shifted so far to trying to provide **perfect** upbringings to our children to try and heal the traumas we experienced. That's where the modern application has value.

[@asafeplacepodcast2690]

Shaming

[@selenemetanoia]

100,000%, yes.

[@kaystephens2672]

And how could they matter at all if they were not even there, mentally? And just because they made a show every once in a while, take a break from their fantasy version of their pretend self, and are a pretend parent, do they matter? Not any more, to me. They were just sad. Sad parental figures. Right along with their sad excuses. No. "Good enough" parents only create children who become people pleasers. Little did mine know, I was always paying attention to her behavior, too. These parents taught their children to have the wrong idea of morals because they were hippocritical Liars. And thsts ok. Because that was on them. We were just smart enough to not buy their bs and educate ourselves as real Truth seekers. It can take a while to see the reason for such deception. But that really, goes All back onto them. We don't carry any one elses personal problems. I'm happy that you survived and thrived Sir. You may have no idea of those you've helped and the far reaching impact in my familys future. And isn't it so funny, in a way, that we were raised to tell the truth by people who lived a Lie. Maybe it was just too bad they just couldn't bear it. But that was no one else's problem to solve, For them. People need to look out for and protect their childrens hearts and minds. Thats their responsibility. Not somebody elses.

[@vazvazvoova3941]

Dear Daniel, id like to contact u.. How?

[@vazvazvoova3941]

I want to have a conversation.

[@katrinamenzies9398]

What is good enough then????

[@idcb6718]

Can you talk about neurosis?

[@benjaminbenbenben906]

This video seems to be misunderstanding what is meant by “failure” in the context of the good enough parent. I have no doubt the concept has been misinterpreted in the way you’re describing, but it would be worthwhile to consider Winnicott’s theory based on its own merits, not just the ways that it could be misused. Failure in the context of Winnicott refers to actions or inactions that disrupt the child’s illusion of omnipotence. The connection you’re making between the failures of the “good enough parent” and rejection are puzzling to me. You seem to believe that rejection of children is mandated by Winnicott’s theory. I think Winnicott is in fact arguing for the exact opposite of this. “Failure” here is not failure on the level of neglect or abuse, but rather failure to prevent the child from experiencing frustration at all. The crux of this is not that parents are just trying their best and deserve a pass. No, there are many parents who try their best but are still not good enough for their kids. Rather, this concept is explaining how (an essentially narcissistic) commitment to “perfection” will result in a child who has not been allowed opportunities to experience their own efficacy. Good enough parenting is about attuning to a child so that you help them manage the frustrations of life without becoming disorganized. It is not about making excuses for bad parenting.

[@user-ij9bs9ke9j]

I’ve read him too. Don’t even get me started on Melanie Klein, ha!

[@cedarbay3994]

The entire concept is cope so women can focus on the important thing; their career.

[@PeriwinkleB]

Not related at all to the concept of his video but I get it! It’s not about focusing on her career, these types of mothers are abusive and neglecting towards their kids…not because of her direct focus on her career (not sure how it summed up to that) but because she’s lacking what it takes to be a good mother, not good enough mother. She’s a mother that’s simply makes excuses for herself, using her trauma and past as an excuse to treat her kids like crap. She treats doing the basic things as giving her kids a great life when she’s still mistreating them. Again, not related to career at all. Most of these mothers don’t give a damn about a career, they simply want to feel rewarded for doing “good enough” even when they’ve failed their kids.

[@yingliwang3028]

There are also people and parents who are good enough parents or did a good decent job, but never quite feel they’ve done good enough, so they’re riddled with unnecessary guilt and never stop giving and then get exploited. So what is exactly the standard for doing or being good enough?

[@jonsnow911]

9:20

[@yosh6278]

my dad already died because he neglected health and my mom is schizo and her health is failing. the only thing i get out of my moms death that i want is bereavement leave. gonna string it into a long vacation

[@suryacoapy5129]

Daniel I love your talks and the work you do but this time you are having a straw man argument. "Good enough mother" is a technical term that Winnicott defines. You quote Winnicott's definition and then say this quote means something that it clearly doesn't. When you present a quote verbatim people can make their own assessment of what it means. The concept does not let parents off the hook as you say. The way the concept is misused does that. Winnicott is not responsible for the misuse, any more than Freud is responsible for the misuse of "ego". You are arguing against the colloquial usage while claiming to be arguing against the definition. You are criticising things Winnicott never said.

[@waynemizer4912]

Can you describe what Winnicott meant in his use of the term, 'good enough mother'?

[@suryacoapy5129]

According to my understanding the essential characteristic of the good enough mother is exactly what Winnicott said in the beginning of the quote “an almost complete adaption to her infant’s needs . . .” I believe he used the word “failure” figuratively, alluding to a false notion of perfection. I believe Winnicott was trying to point out that a mother who is afraid she may be “not good enough” will respond neurotically to any sign of unhappiness in her child. But a mother who is fully emotionally present (“adaptation to her infant’s needs”) will know the difference between simple discomfort and true distress.

I personally know of a family where the mother showered her baby daughter with admiration, adulation and adoration as she was growing. She was overcompensating for an emotionally withdrawn father and felt some guilt and responsibility. The daughter developed into a full blown narcissist by adulthood, incapable of giving or receiving authentic love. Any child will quickly learn to manipulate its mother’s sense of inadequacy to get gratification, especially if the child has a sibling, and this is not good for the child. I would suggest the most emotionally nurturing mother is the one who is fully attuned, confident that she is good enough, but with no desire to be perfect, and I think this is what Winnicott was trying to describe.

[@suryacoapy5129]

@@xslt1692 I respectfully disagree with you, especially about Daniel Mackler. He does enormous good.

[@anz10]

@@suryacoapy5129 I agree with what you say that a overly attentive anxious mother/ father is also not a great parent and the meaning is meant to be taken like you explained but the definition that Daniel quoted from Winnicott book DOES make the concept of good enough parent seem vague.. it does seem vaguely defined and could be misused .. it should have been better defined to avoid misuse but it is not and that is a big omission.. you should foresee a neglectful parent misusing this term and it was/ is winnicotts responsibility to make sure there is no misuse by stating exactly what he meant as the consequences can be massive to children of neglectful parents who just think they're 'good enough'... moreover he quoted the success criteria for a child to be well adjusted is that he s/he fits well into society ..that should not be the criteria that we need to measure against, of course a child needs to survive as an adult so fitting into society for survival purposes makes sense but more importantly is the child relatively free of childhood baggage/trauma when it turn into an adult? seems a much better criteria

[@suryacoapy5129]

@@anz10 I definitely agree regarding adapting to society. I don’t think that is necessarily a healthy benchmark.

[@ksta1996]

well you might have read Winnicott books but you clearly didn't understand them

[@WillIam79-c7f]

wOnDeRfUL cOnTrIbUtIoN

[@TasLomv]

"Good-enough" motherhood and fatherhood, with the healthy meaning of the term, is what our societies desperately need so I wouldn't agree with such harsh criticism on the term, even if it's kinda broad. The fact that parents can't attend to all or most of the needs of their children doesn't automatically make them not worthy but it manifests their humane imperfections, which is quite normal.At the end of the day it's what each one makes out of the term "good-enough" that is important and not the term per se.

[@oompaloompa9139]

Ironically, toxic and selfish people use the term "good enough" to justify not doing enough. They do what they want and call it good enough.

[@galathoughtart]

What if we started talking about the “good enough” child! The real question is who gets to define what good enough looks like!

[@threethrushes]

Daniel, so much of your assumptions about parents are predicated on them having the knowledge that you have, but they, somehow, choosing to act badly. My experience is that the vast majority of parents are desperately inadequate, or ignorant. They simply don't know any better. You are reasonably well-adjusted to society, well-rounded; you've survived - what more do you expect?

[@madebyreuben3402]

You're right that they don't know any better, still doesn't stop them from being bad parents

[@jnl3564]

We are living in the information age and still using ignorance as an excuse. Do people need to be force fed the truth? Whose job would that be?

[@madebyreuben3402]

@@jnl3564 yeah exactly ppl do more reading when they research their next car purchase but refuse to do any when it comes to their own children

[@jnl3564]

@@xslt1692 I understand what you're saying but children most certainly dont voice their true needs. Small children don't have the capacity to understand their needs and communicate them in words.

[@rosabscura]

@@jnl3564 i think what you’re overlooking the dna factor. And also the “desire” factor. If there’s no real desire to get better, it doesn’t happen and is that their fault? Can you be faulted for what you desire?