Why I'm NOT Sex Positive | Hannah Witton

Sex Positivity has some problems so here's why I'm not sex positive! Watch "Why I Am Sex Positive": • Why I'm Sex Positive |...
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End music: Thursday and Snow (Reprise) by Blank & Kytt

[@Mad.E]

I'm a sex positive asexual and people reaaaaally struggle understanding that 😂 What really bothers me is when people basically imply that life is not worth living without sex (aka _my_ life is not worth living unless I "finally" change my mind)

[@marinab.3304]

I wasn't expecting this video at all but i think it's soooooo necessary. We need to get used to talk about both sides more often. Congrats Hannah, this was super interesting!!!

[@viliinaj7531]

Guys let's just get it over with; I love Hannah Witton

[@agirlandherplatypus]

Loved this video! I’d never heard anyone discuss this before and it’s so interesting!

[@sphong0610]

Cute and SMART and Responsible too! What a lovely person!

[@ianrobertsonpiano]

I'm sex-education and consent positive. I'm not sex-stereotype positive, which I believe aligns with the things you've said in both videos. I value the importance of teaching, education, and critical thought, but also the acknowledgement that our sex lives and experiences are as varied as we are. That shouldn't mean we close ourselves off sexually or that we assume things are one way and can never change, but rather that we keep an open mind and consider the complexities carefully. If anything, the capitalist mentality that influences some of the negative issues you mentioned here is either fueling or fueled by a trend to not question things, to stray from critical thinking and healthy questioning. I think if we were all taught to wonder, to question, to explore, and to always want to know more, things like consent and respect and diversity wouldn't be such a strange idea to some people.

[@RollingOnFire]

Thanks I really didn't think about the "pressure of having multiple sexual experiences" and I guess that's a problem I've only just realized I have. I've just got out of a relationship 2 months ago and I just wanna live my life and explore my sexuality but I'm quite shy and have no clue how to flirt really so I'm not getting much of it so yes I feel that pressure a bit.

[@rosieshippam5990]

you touched on such important topics. i wish i’d found your channel when i was younger & anxious about sex. very informative!!

[@vashtiramsaroop5410]

Why is "no" the hardest word in my vocabulary? Making it worse, when I do say "no", it's almost always followed by "I'm sorry!"

[@永続的な改善若い]

Because you are weak

[@baktoatobtoc1462]

Maybe you don't want to harm people

[@NetiNeti-gm5bz]

Vashti Ramsaroop you'll have to learn to set your boundaries and give people a firm No or you may end up in the worst possible situations. And don't say you're Sorry after lol

[@LaxmanLaxman-rv4so]

Xxx.vidos

[@cassiusfelix2805]

Vashti Ramsaroop right

[@jeffgarlick]

It's refreshing to see someone who not only discusses important topics with responsibility and maturity but also someone who takes BOTH sides of the issue and gives them both time, attention and consideration! Great video as always Hannah!

[@cassiusfelix2805]

Jeff Garlick right

[@KC-cg1dn]

also about the impact of sex positivity on children and young teens who are not physically or emotionally ready for sex but can get coerced and pressured into it under the guise of sex positivity, often by predators

[@jessieee_p]

Great comment and great point!

[@bell6408]

K C Yes! And I’ve even seen this predicated with memes that super young people are sharing that imply that being “the best” in bed and doing things exclusively for male partners is the ultimate way to be sexy and worthwhile or that being “kinky” and participating in submissive roles is the only way to be desirable. I think it’s extremely dangerous to teach them those kind of values and I know men that have taken advantage of the situation.

[@Alina_Schmidt]

K C Sex positivity done well would teach consent, variety of sexualities and their acceptance and would thus make people confident to make choices that cater to them - not for kinky sex for the sake of it but depending if it's good for a person. It's rather likely that these young people didn't have such an approach in their sex-ed.

[@Sam-pm9vy]

Great videos! I saw an example of “non-consensual culture” being ingrained at a young age the other week. I was with my friend and his 3 year old kid and after playing a card game he jokingly/playfully started tossing the cards at her (not in a bad way). After a couple of minutes though she asked him to stop and he kept doing it and she kept getting more assertive and louder, shouting “NO DADDY” really loudly so people around us heard. He *still* didn’t seem inclined to stop so I suggested that maybe when you ask someone to stop something it’s respectful to do so and he seemed to finally get the hint and also get my point. It made me sad though that my friend - a good guy who is generally understanding to these things - didn’t recognise his own behaviours or listen to his 3 year old daughter, reinforcing to her that even shouting no several times isn’t enough. But fair play to her for standing her ground and doing what she could to get him to stop once she was no longer having fun, I was proud of her and disappointed in him.

[@cassiusfelix2805]

Sam that’s is not a good dad move right there

[@cassiusfelix2805]

Sam shout out to her

[@debbienpeters]

I was out with my friend and her 7 year old boy. He kept wanting to put things in my pocket and I was like, oh, you have to get a girls permission to put things in her pockets. Sometimes it’s easy to start small.

[@bethany5665]

Just got broken up with for refusing to push my boundaries. I needed this. Thank you.

[@plants_people_profit]

Boundaries = very important

[@ItsRiya123]

This was great I was not expecting a part 2. Super nuanced and interesting to hear both

[@MrLegenders100]

Riya the Human I agree this is great! Thanks Hannah!

[@cassiusfelix2805]

Riya the Human right

[@Weeclown5]

I'm sex positive for sure. I believe that everyone can love who they want, how they want. Lots of my friends are quite happy having casual sex and I can see the pros and cons to it. I personally don't like having random hook ups and I only like being intimate with people that I've been seeing for a few months or that I'm in a relationship with. I was a virgin until I was 21 (I'm 24 now) and I used to get called prude and (lightly) teased about it from my friends. I wanted to wait until I knew the man I was with respected me and cherished me. I don't like the pressure and the unwritten law that you have to sleep with multiple people in order to be happy or that you're 'missing out' if you don't sleep around. I'm still with the man I lost my virginity with and I couldn't be happier, the sex we have is amazing and I hope to marry him some day.

[@caitie226]

This is who I want to be in five years! I don't make friends quickly and I don't see myself hooking up randomly even though I totally support people who do. I'm happy with my decision to take my time and wait until it feels right but it's hard having "sex positive" friends who have a sometimes rigid perspective.

[@maddyhatter2454]

THANK YOU for aknowledging the norm of sexual activity. It's particularly prominent in my age group (early 20s), however I'm 22 and a virgin (and dont really believe in the concept of virginity but yeah). Not by choice as such, I just don't find a lot of people attractive and just seem to have a bit of bad luck. I want to have sex sure! But I feel this immense pressure because of my age. And it can be incredibly stressfull and upsetting when people view virgins over a certain age to be odd, when I'm here trying really hard to just find someone I like. I feel like i should be out having loads of sex and I'm just not.

[@rakelhellberg949]

I'm honestly not sure what to say, your comment just resonated with me. Having sex with people you don't want to, just because it's expected of you, can mess with your relationship to sex in general so I'd say try to avoid that :) (I realized your comment is three months old and things might have changed but I'm saying this to anyone else in that position reading this too.)

[@christinemeighan9705]

Agreed. I can relate wholeheartedly. I'm 26 btw. I just want to be with someone who I enjoy. Tbph tho, sex is not something I tend to think about having in general. I only consider it when it's brought up by other people in my age group. Like, they're totally shook that I'm still a virgin. I'm like, I'll be concerned with that when I have my a bit more together. But if I fall for someone nice then sex is okay too.

[@cassiusfelix2805]

Maddy Hatter 18 and still have my v card. Also just hold on to yours a till your ready to lose it okay.

[@debbienpeters]

Flowered Sentiments Virginity is a made up concept. Yes, you have either had sex or not, but the idea of breaking the hymen, ect is completely false as a sign of never had sex. Also, that is also placing importance on PIV sex and dismisses everything else.

[@BillyButcher90]

I'm 31 and still a virgin.

[@hillyinseattle5630]

There is no conclusion to the sex positivity topic. It's individual, evolving, and quite subjective.

[@raahimas2776]

Hilly In Seattle I completely agree!

[@matthewrandell5055]

I think this is important to realise and can apply to more than people may think

[@savannahnicholo]

I absolutely love your balanced views on sex positivity! Great video!

[@ramywiles]

I was really looking forward to this, and you didn't disappoint! That whole "norm of being sexually active creates a new pressure to have lots of sex" thing is EXACTLY what I was getting at with my comment on the last video. This is just a great discussion in general; outlines my feelings pretty well, especially the conclusion. I'm not NOT sex positive, but I think there needs to be room for everyone, and while I recognize that sex positivity is essentially pushing back against silence and shame... that's not fully accomplished by just not addressing/working through the silence and shame and barrelling on with tips on how to give yourself multiple orgasms, yknow?

[@ramywiles]

Hannah Witton Lol GOOD! Thanks so much for taking the time to talk about this in all (or at least some) of its facets ❤

[@Shockguey]

Depends on whether or not you have standards for yourself that supercede the natural urge to copulate. Otherwise you're just mindlessly following the crowd.

[@unorthodoxhappenstance304]

I don't think the core of being sex positive is saying you need to have sex. Saying that you sex positive doesn't mean that you are now in life style where you are forced to have sex. I've come to the understanding that to say you sex positive means you are in control of what you want in your life. You can no sex at all, and still be under the beliefs of sex positive. It's understanding why you want or don't want sex. It seems like there needs to be a rebranding of the culture now. So instead of saying "sex positive" we should say I'm " sex informative" or "sex knowledgeable". That way you don't get confused by the message of the culture.

[@ramywiles]

Porfirio Diaz I mean... let's be clear, sex isn't a mindless thing only indulged in by lesser beings. Sex, when it's something you want and are excited and comfortable about having, is really nice. Saying there needs to be room for nuance doesn't mean there needs to be a return to attitudes that look down on sex.

[@ramywiles]

Kelso Montoya I think of it that way too -- I think my perspective, though, and from here on in it's entirely personal experience talking, is that sex positivity as a broader conversation and as I was introduced to it left me to come to those nuanced conclusions on my own; it wasn't something I inherently picked up. The comment I left on the last video was essentially this: 1) I started to feel like I was a bad feminist if I didn't want to try anal at least once, and 2) those feelings were compounded by the coincidence of discovering sex positivity and being in what I only realized later was an abusive situation. I was pushed to try things in the name of being sexually liberated, and most of what I saw was praise for all kinds of sexual activity that I didn't really get to work out my feelings towards because of being pushed. And hey, I'll be very clear and say that I don't think sex positivity and abuse are correlated, or that sex positivity is an abusive movement. And as I get further and further away from that situation, my feelings may change. But for right now, I think the points Hannah has brought up are worthwhile critiques of sex positivity, especially the one I specified in my initial comment due to my own personal experiences.

[@Jolimentleblog]

Can we invent the concept of "choice positive" ?! Somedays I feel super sexual, some other I feel super not. And the only thing I want is people to respect that, whether they are able to understand it or not. Cool video Hannah, it always makes very optimistic to watch KZbin Content Creators exposing that kind of open-minded vibes.

[@jessieee_p]

This video touched on a lot of points that have made me feel uncomfortable with the sex positivity movement. It's frustrating that women are shamed for being 'too' sexually active or not sexually active 'enough'... and it's usually men that decide where women sit on that scale. Thank you for contributing your thoughts in such a balanced way, I always learn so much from you!

[@SarahLippens]

maybe it's different here in Belgium, But, judging, setting up a scale is NOT sex positive. this doesn't happen over here. people are very respectful and open. there is no kink shaming, or shaming of any kind. we watch over that.

[@KaidaRichter]

Many of these things hit close to home for me. Especially the part about questioning if I’m enough and if my body is enough. I’m really insecure about a lot of things, my sexuality and sensuality in particular because I was “a late bloomer” and so I don’t really know myself very well when it comes to sex. I don’t know what I like and I’m scared to try stuff unless it’s with someone I really trust and even then it’s hard because they have to be excited about trying things with me and that’s not always the case and I’m very much a person who says yes to stuff simply because they asked me and not necessarily because I want to do it.

[@phoebeel]

me tooooooo... and on top of that I have a super sexually liberated partner who really just wants me to be comfortable and knowledgeable and self-confident and it just gets super horrible. I used to think of myself as open (with my first boyfriend who was also a virgin before we got together) and after a semi-abusive second boyfriend and with this new liberated boyfriend it's just a mess, I feel like a potato and super unsexy. All while the sex positivity movement tells me everyone is always horny and confident

[@gazthegreat132]

You'll be fine. Don't put pressure on it.

[@hannahclaire8355]

acciopluto acciopluto I really relate to this! I feel I was a late bloomer sexually, and my early sexually experiences were predominantly unfulfilling before I started enjoying sex at all. I had a lot of anxiety around not being able to orgasm, worrying what was wrong with me and my body; ironically worrying about it made me more tense, less relaxed, and therefore less likely to reach orgasm at all. I didn't know what I liked and masturbation wasn't particularly appealing to me either - low self esteem and poor body image meant I couldn't really get off on my own. navigating sexuality as a plus-sized gal when I've absorbed messages telling me sexuality is predominantly for thin people to enjoy was another challenge. it was only in a secure, trusting relationship with a partner that I was finally able to relax, and as we experimented together and explored each other's bodies in a very safe, relaxed and consensual setting, I was able tap into my sexuality. I hope my story might help to set you at ease - I thought my sexuality would never really be accessible to me, but in time I felt much more comfortable in it. so take your time and I hope all goes well for you 💛

[@KaidaRichter]

hannah claire this is exactly what I’m going through right now! I’m glad you found a way out of it and yes, it does help to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

[@kyle857]

Put it this way. If you see just having one nights stands you can assume you are enough of the guy nuts. If you are having a longer meaningful relationship you can assume you are enough of the guy stays with you.

[@ShaunCKennedyAuthor]

I think the word you're looking for is "nuance." You have a nuanced sex-positive view. Which is why I follow you.

[@PAJA63]

Agree on that one. It seems Hannah tries to keep her frontlines safe on both ends, ending as a sex neutral. That seems to a bit strange, as the way Hannah has worked and talked for the last ten years seems quite (sex) positive…Hmm…

[@qquadratt]

that’s very interesting! i have been struggling with sexuality for almost a year now: i realised i have transitioned to asexuality but didn’t understand why, so seeing all my friends talking about sex positivity often made me feel kind of uncomfortable. i felt misrepresented and weird, which lead me to developing extremely low self-esteem and body dysmorphia. i hope in the future people will become more mindful in that sense, but again, nothing can be done instantly. so thanks for spreading this message xx

[@norinabonacin]

myautumn could you explain how does one transition to a sexuality? Not mocking, genuinely curious!

[@LaceyLockNESSA]

Please do videos on body positivity like this!! I think consent is so tied into being fully embodied in your bod, if that makes sense xx thanks

[@qquadratt]

well, sexuality is not permanent and can change just as well as other things in life. in my personal experience, it was a long and kind of subconscious process of change from being in a relationship with regular sex to understanding that i don’t feel well in that whole situation, and maybe i don’t feel like i want to have sex (even outside of this relationship). i’m still struggling to completely, like, “normalise” this experience and not follow the stereotypes and label myself as weird or suspect any physical anomalies in my body. i’ve been trying to celebrate my sexuality for a long time but this side of sex positivity that Hannah is talking about really made me feel like i don’t have any sexuality at all and there’s no need to celebrate it

[@ProudCanadian777]

Great now if we could convince everybody else in the human race that they're a sexual then we would rid the universe of its biggest cancer humanity

[@qquadratt]

Drabswin recently had a check up; everything’s fine, but thanks for your concern

[@littlemusic4x]

This really spoke to me, because I want to be sex positive but since I'm in a committed, monogamous, heterosexuell relationship and never had one nights stands or many partners anyway, I feel like I don't fit into that sex positive mold. Sometimes I feel like I'm not "enough" of a free sexual being, being 26 and not chasing sex and my sexual freedom and getting any guy I fancy. You just put it in better words. Thank you for that.

[@Reckec]

brokebutfun Talk to your husband about your feelings. Show him the videos. He may be all for a little sex-positivity. It's better than the alternative. Been there, wish my ex would have talked.

[@littlemusic4x]

Yes, that is actually what I meant. Also, I don't have a husband and am not interested in swinging and quite sure my partner isn't either :D I just meant that I feel labeled as a prude for not using the sexual freedom a lot of people enjoy amd that I feel the sex positive movement "pushes". But thanks for responding anyway

[@bell6408]

brokebutfun I totally get you on this. I too am in a long term relationship and I’ve never been very sexually adventurous in terms of how many partners I’ve had and it feels like sex positivity has turned into just a new way to shame people for being “boring”. I’ve especially noticed it with BDSM being pushed as the only way to have good sex. I often feel weird because I’ve had very negative experiences with sex in my past and much of the BDSM that is being pushed is very triggering for me. This all leaves me feeling like there’s something wrong with me because I can’t get into it like everyone else seems to.

[@chandraa5333]

I know this was almost a year ago. But I wanted to put my two cents in. (I just found her channel lol) sex positivity to me and I think a lot of people. Its isn't about having sex, being very sexual. Its accepting everyone and their relationship with sex and normalizing it and conversation. Getting rid of the taboo and respecting people and their choices.

[@anissiaart6167]

Thank you Hannah. Very important point. I feel like I suffered from both: negative attitude to sex in my family and pressure of overpositivity from friends. Both extremes are so bad. Thanks for bringing it up.

[@plants_people_profit]

Same

[@ruhny00]

1:10 I think that the problem is not that the world doesn"t teach us how to say no, we know how to do that, the problem is that we don't know how to accept a "no" for an answer. If we put ourselves in the place of the friend who's asking for the coffee, we would feel bad if someone we care about said they didn't want to hang out with us, no matter the reason. If we start to be ok with the fact that other people's desires not always include us, and we don't get offended by that, then we could say "no" with more ease and without having to lie in order to not hurt someone's feelings

[@flayuhat]

Wow, that's great insight. I never thought of it that way. You're totally right! We need to start encouraging people to not take no's personally.

[@payaljoshi1551]

I'm sex positive aF but I'm personally a virgin which baffles a lot of people I go out on dates with and it sucks cuz I'm all about ok whatever you do you but I personally want to wait to do those things with someone I genuinely. My early sexual experiences weren't great at all because I was pressured by society into thinking being a late bloomer is terrible and that I should do something about it even though that's not really true. Both of your videos on the topic was very interesting and I hope it brings awareness when it comes to peer pressuring people into having a lot of "sexual experiences" or else I'm not really sex positive.

[@payaljoshi1551]

*I genuinely trust

[@PAJA63]

Agree on that one. Sex positivity doesn't mean "sleeping around". It doesn't even mean sleeping with other people at all. I see it as a stance, getting rid of the shame around the subject.

[@BeautifullyReckles]

I really appreciate you mentioning asexuality. I struggle to identify with the sex positive movement because Everything I've read about it starts from the assumption that everyone wants sex. As an asexual, I don't.

[@PAJA63]

That is, if you equal sex with sexual activities with another person. There is more to that word that needs to be explained…

[@salhooper]

People definitely have unrealistic sexpectations

[@gwenquigley7624]

Loved this video from you Hannah! Didn't expect it. I would say I'm more sex-critical feminist. I think the sex positive movement has done a lot for women and it's very valuable to advocate for women's sexual gratification and liberation when it's been repressed for so long. That said, it's complicated. I've come a long way in my relationship with fashion and wear things I never would have years ago, but, that said, why does it seem like we usually celebrate it as liberation when it's skimpy clothing? I can scroll through Instagram, see a woman rocking a skimpy outfit, and say "Awesome! Good for her! All women are beautiful and we should love ourselves!" but I'm 25. Does my teenage cousin feel that way when she sees those pictures? Does my preteen niece? Or does the picture in effect become yet another sexualized image of a woman to them? Does it make them feel insecure? I think it's important to keep questions like that in mind. Like you said, we live in a nonconsensual society. So does sex positivity feed into the objectification and sexualization of women? I don't know. Sometimes it feels like the sex positive branch of feminism is more focused on things like a women's right to wear a crop top than it is on issues like equal access to education, high paying competitive jobs, reproductive health rights, and so many other issues that women face around the world. I know that's not an entirely fair statement, but it rings true to a lot of what I've seen of sex positive feminism (and I don't think it's a coincidence that sex positive feminism is often conflated with "white feminism").

[@Rachel-ph5dy]

I agree completely with where you're coming from with both of these videos, though I'd like to add that the way many "sex positive" people treat BDSM very lightly and positively without appropriate consideration for the people it harms both mentally and physically (and the influence of power structures and imbalances). It has also made me uncomfortable the way that people like to link making choices to do things such as BDSM to a "choice" to be gay, as though they are similar situations or as if the liberation of gay sexuality means that every sexual thing deserves liberation. Not sure if I explained that very well, but I hope that made sense!

[@rjfaber1991]

I would personally argue that's more of a nuance within sex-positive attitudes to BDSM rather than sex-positivity itself, but I can see where you're coming from. I think it's genuinely fantastic that the sex-positive "movement" has taken a lot of sexual subjects, partially including BDSM, out of the taboo sphere, but if we're opening things up to public discourse, we should actually have that discourse, and not just go "it's all amazing!" about everything sex-related.

[@suyareads]

Yeeeeeeeees thank you! I think when I started being sexual I was pressured, even if subconsciously, by the idea that I had to be super sexual, and do whatever I wanted (but did i really want it?) and that made me push a lot of limits I had cause I thought I was just repressed when in reality,I was just not prepared.

[@RollingOnFire]

Suya Götz Omg same. I saw myself as a very sexual being before I started having sex and I was convinced I would have a great first time because I knew a lot and I especially thought I was ready for everything, that I should "hurry up and get my virginity out of the way"

[@freelancer42]

I'm very positive towards having sex when I want to, with people who also want to, in whatever way we both want. Why does the world have to be so much more complicated than that?

[@Cerejabe]

There is this French documentary where women shared their stories about non-consensual sex and how lines can easily get blurry both because at times women do not say the word no and freeze, even though they do not consent to what is happening and men have not learned to pay attention to the signs that a woman might not be down for whatever is going on and that it's not because they did not actively say no that consent has been given. So much progress is still needed

[@stripedsweater520]

ElisabethR oh do you remember the name of the docu?

[@Cerejabe]

Yes, it's called 'Sexe sans consentement'

[@oliviamiller-davis4667]

Anyone know how someone could view this in England?

[@Shockguey]

The end result is that men will simply choose not to engage with women. At least video games don't have blurred lines of consent.

[@kcv0605]

filthiestfish No, indeed nobody is a mind reader. If somebody’s discomfort or lack of willingness is skilfully and completely masked then yes, you have absolutely no way of knowing. But if someone is exhibiting signs of obvious discomfort then it’s entirely ridiculous to suggest that an adult male would be oblivious without a loud, hollered no. Inability to pick up on bodily cues regarding mood is seen as a sign of developmental retardation in toddlers. Hell, even dogs can manage it. If somebody is wincing and rigid and unreceptive, 99% of grown men and women will be well aware.

[@CPH79]

I think maybe your overthinking it....

[@KrypticKiss18]

Yeah everyone over thinks everything! Let's not question anything at all and just live with feeding tubes, how about that?

[@BasilGab]

I am very sex positive and I openly advocate for people to live their best lives. For me, my positivity is about expressing and accepting myself entirely. I have had a range of sexual experiences, some good, some bad, but I still am a firm believer that people should do what feels right to them. Not everyone is going to have the same views or reasons but I think that coming from an open place of understanding and creating a culture where people can feel comfortable talking about their experiences is really what it's all about. Or at least, what it SHOULD BE all about.

[@hannahjane8275]

i really appreciated this video, and the previous one. as a woman who has endometriosis and various frequently occurring ovarian cysts, who also has a low sex drive, i went through and still do sometimes, go through feeling the opposite pressures that i'm never good enough, and what ways my health problems have a strong effect on this activity, and why am i not interested as much as many people around me seem to be - with how much they talk about it, etc. i felt/feel constantly conflicted internally, and i feel like all your points in both videos were extremely valid because we're all very different people with different experiences as well as genetics. thank you for all your thoroughly thought-through content, name-sharer! xx

[@cassiusfelix2805]

Also can we make talking about sex a normal topic to talk about with friends family who ever it may be.

[@lemons2300]

I don't wanna be that guy, but the coffee analogy differs drastically from sex consent in their circumstances. No means no; it's that simple. But saying "no" to coffee as if you are hostile to the idea of it or have the need to refuse in high urgency is not really necessary. You could flat out say "no" if you explain that you are allergic to coffee beans, since allergy is a serious effect, whereas simply not wanting to go for coffee as the sole reason to saying "no" would make you look weird since nearly no one actually talks that way. "Hey you wanna go for coffee?" "NO." That's the kind of crap INTJs would say (half-joke). Socializing requires some levels of emotionality and empathy. But when it comes to sex consent, your body and sexuality is on the line and that's much more serious than just going for coffee with friends.

[@mr.countess3610]

If you are shaming anyone for their sexuality (including asexual people), then you are NOT being sex positive. That is not what we're about. Sex positive also does not mean "more sex is always better", it means "don't judge me for what I want - or don't want - from sex". Boundaries are just as important, if not more so, than desires, and ought to be respected. To belittle someone for not wanting to have sex would be antithetical to everything we stand for. If people are doing that in the name of sex positivity, then I hope that they will either learn their mistake, or else discover that our movement has no place for that sort of attitude :(

[@PAJA63]

Word.

[@yellowobject]

This video was so important. It took me a long time to become sexually active partly by choice of not wanting to be with someone I am not committed to, but also not by choice because it just took me a really long time to be in a committed relationship. Before that, as a feminist who was in theory very sex positive, for the angle of "woman should do what they want with their bodies", I felt very ashamed. It also didn't help that my friends would put a lot of pressure on me. For a very long time I stopped watching your videos because they made me uncomfortable and it wasn't anything you did, I just felt that because I wasn't so sexually liberated and active I wasn't the target audience and it's only after that I re-subscribed to your videos because now that I've done it I was finally "worthy" of taking part which is such an idiotic concept I had in my head but that's how I felt. I'm glad you made this video, it's an important message to share. Sex positivity should really be at the end of the day about allowing choice and working towards the goal of making sure women across the world have that choice.

[@barbararodin4604]

I get what she's saying, but I don't considered sex positivity demands the stuff she's claiming. I understand it can get twisted to these extends, but never even heard anyone claim you should have aaaaall the sex aaaaaall the time to be sex positive.

[@jason300c1]

5:00 dude what you just said Alone.. About the guilt and shame it brings if you just happen to not be as active as someone else.. But you still compare yourself.. That among a few other Really great point.. It sucks the shame people bring on themselves where they never needed to compare each other in the first place.. We all come from different areas.. And we all might nit be okay with the same things.. That's why it's important to know where your thoughts come from, and to know who you are and Where you are.. At in life in general or where you stand on issues that you are comfortable or Not comfortable with

[@phoebeel]

Love the video, Hannah! I am on the side of sexually shy people. While I do know that I'm pretty and have a good body by society's standards, I struggle a lot with low self-esteem and kind of a body dismorphia. I'm awkward in bed and after a semi-abusive boyfriend I am now really shy in bed and often have feelings of "If I say no, we will have a fight again". Also I'm always of the impression that every sexual act should feel orgasmic and electric so I'm always in my head doubting myself and wondering why I don't feel goosebumps if my bf so much as breathes on my hoohah. So I doubt myself and feel like a potato and super awkward and really really unsexy. Could you do a video for those types of people? Maybe resources and techniques to accept your sexually awkward side? or maybe that some people aren't sexual god(desses)?

[@shantim7740]

This is great, Hannah. I have to say I'm wary of the sex positive movement because I don't want to sleep with anyone I'm not in a committed relationship with, even though I love how it destigmatises sex.

[@0netnet0]

Thank you for this. I haven't been able to put it into words myself, but this video nailed what I was feeling was "wrong" or "missing" in sex-positive discourse. These are important problems that sex-positive (or sex-critical? sex-aware? sexologists?) should be working towards solving.

[@ilTHfeaa]

i mean sex positivity in my opinion means just being fine with sex and how someone identifies and accepting them no matter what. like not shaming poeple whom dont have sex but just talking about it with people and accepting everyone

[@unorthodoxhappenstance304]

I'm not sure I understand this video Hannah. Negative attitudes to sex are already present with society. Being sex positive doesn't neglect or say the previous problems someone might have with sex still don't exist. Being sex positive is understanding why you might have a problem and have a negative attitude toward sex. Unless your telling me there's a large population of people are using sex positivity as a guise to shame people having sex or knowledge of sex. And if that's the case you have a problem with a subset of people claiming sex positivity. I don't think you should be grouping these things together.

[@PAJA63]

Agree. It's almost as this video had a preconception as being made inside another civilisation than the one we're living in right now. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex-positive_movement

[@RainbowSprnklz]

i had a couple of opinions on this video, but i appreciate that you made it nonetheless: i feel like a lot of these things are not inherently part of sex positivity: i.e. calling someone a prude is NOT sex positive idk i feel like it is valid to say that sex positivity ignores the gray of consent or the cultural stigma on saying no in general, but i feel like the move toward clear consent should always be a GOAL sex positivity may be western in origin, but it can still be applied to religions and cultures i think sex positivity, in its truest form, accepts that negative things can happen in sex and means to tell you that it happens (youre not broken), it doesn't have to happen, and youre allowed to avoid it all if you want i appreciated the video, but i feel like sex positivity is just raising awareness about sexual health, consent, and removing guilt and stigma around sex and i didn't feel like there are many reasons to NOT be sex positive

[@PAJA63]

Agree. I for one would like to see a concluding video from Hannah, explaining where she really stands on this. For ten years has been quite sex-positive all around the Internet and books, if you ask me.

[@oleksandrbrovkin5211]

I thought sex positive represent asexual people like another normal option. And I saw this mindset like, you can have sexually active life and it OK, but totally opposide option is also OK

[@PAJA63]

Agree. Would be in line with the definitions here: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex-positive_movement

[@RuthieCroft]

*interesting...very interesting*

[@colasalz2]

wait, because there is capitalism , sex is a bad thing? I don´t get it.

[@amyg8176]

I didn’t realize it was Sex Positive, A Thing, rather than just like.... sex positive, have sex when/if you want and if the other person/people involved also want.

[@SarahLippens]

i don't really agree with what your saying. I'm active within sex positive Belgium. Sex Positivity isn't about being how sexual active you are; its about being conscious about your sexuality. knowing your boundary's, respecting your boundary's and explore within your boundary's, to strive for complete consent in our non consensual society. about excepting the other in there boundary's, sexuality, origin, believes, gender,.... we have ace people within our organization. It's about caring for yourself and the other.

[@RandyLott]

It's not difficult to say no if you haven't mapped the feeling of guilt to it. The responsibility ALMOST always lies with the person who wishes to say no. It's especially important for women to be vocalizing their discomfort. I would like to believe most men will immediately stop if a woman says no. If you feel like you want to say it, just SAY IT! I don't know where this fear came from, but I encourage everyone to exercise their right of consent, no matter the time or occasion. No one has the right to deny you consent at any time for any reason. Even if you're well in to the act, the same rules apply. People need to start being more honest. If my wife asks me something, I will tell her yes or no with no pressure to answer a certain way. She has never been able to say no to any previous partners or most friends. I am the first person she's been comfortable saying no to. Lucky me... Just kidding, it's actually truly an honor to be able to assist her to be able to say what she means without fear. It's incredibly important that we have equal voices.

[@LushiaKyobi]

A lot of the issues you mentioned thankfully don't seem common (from my experience) at a sex positive club I go to. They seem accepting and accommodating of LGBTQ+ people, rape victims, asexual people and people in committed relationships. They host events to help deal with things like shame around sex, and they get consent from everyone in the play area if someone wants to do a scene that could be triggering for some. While every community has its creeps, most people at the club are decent, getting consent for even a hug, and respecting someone saying "no." When I went there, I didn't feel much pressure to be sexual if I didn't want to be. Sometimes people go to just watch other people experiment, or just chat in the social (vanilla/nonsexual) area. I can certainly see how some of the issues you mentioned could happen and I'm sure they do happen. I'm just lucky that I haven't encountered much of that personally.

[@sexgaychristian]

I learned all about consent and honoring other people's boundaries from the sex positive leather club I belonged to as a young man. Now that I think of it, there was a monogamous couple who were part of our tribe and nobody in the tribe ever pressured them to act out of accordance with their agreements.

[@pollysshore2539]

I grew up during the sex positive movement and what I hear girls call sex positivity baffles me today. It sounds more akin to hetero sex negative and religious fundamentalist complaints about sex + made in the 1970s - 90s. The most important thing to know about the sex positive movement is that it less carceral at it’s core. It was born out of a need to push back against excessively carceral policy and legislation designed to roll back the freedoms won during the sexual revolution. The things we see fundamentalists trying to do once again today. The climate we have in 🇺🇸 today is exactly like the climate sex positivity was born in. Keep in mind it also took place during the AIDS/HIV crisis so going out and sleeping with everyone wasn’t a top priority. No one has time to worry about the every day personal choices of billions of people. You have freedoms and responsibilities. Being able to say no or yes, depending on what you want, is central to the sex positive movement. Making sure religious fundamentalists and hetero sex negative MacKinnonites do not remove this right with carceral/highly punitive/controlling policy and legislation is at the core.

[@erikjohnson6423]

I think that you have rightly identified some valid criticisms with the way that people approach "being sex positive" BUT!!!!!! I think that these are not flaws of sex positivity. I think these are flaws of human beings who are interested in the concepts around sex positivity. And I think that sex positive people should absolutely acknowledge and engages with some of these criticisms. But it is NOT sex positive to create pressure on people to engage in sex on somebody else's terms. That flies in the face of the core concept of informed consent. And while you're absolutely right that we live in a society where broadly consensual interaction isn't really supported and encouraged, that has NO bearing whatsoever on the importance of consent. That's a bit like saying "Social justice matters but we live in a culture where social justice isn't valued so being in favor of social justice is undermining people who are oppressed." So while all the problems you acknowledged are totally valid problems that society generally and ESPECIALLY the sex positive community need to focus on and work to improve, not a one of them is actually a valid argument AGAINST sex positivity. Meanwhile, sex negativity is an absurd position. It's basically equivalent to saying, "It would be better if sexually reproducing animals didn't exist." This is not to say that individuals who make the choice that they don't want to be sexually active are making bad choices, but as I say, an informed sex positive individual should absolutely respect that decision. Because that's about consent. But to me, sex negativity is about concerning yourself with OTHER people's sexual activity and that's very much the opposite of consent. So I'll say that sex negativity is absolute rubbish and anybody who says, "Hey, I like sex negativity!" is either just really misinformed about what sex positivity is or else they are sticking their nose in other people's sex lives without being invited and that's quite obviously wrong.

[@slinkoplush3323]

Love your videos and sincerity, Hannah. I would say however that Sexual Positivity CAN embrace asexuality; exactly on the grounds that people are empowered and can choose, and this being recognised. All the best.

[@orsettomorbido]

Oh dear. For me, sex positivity also means that if you don't want to have sex, that's fine. If you can't for any reason, we should recognize that. And a lot of things you said (well, almost all of them), for me are still in the sex positivity realm D: I didn't know that a lot of people would just ignore them D:

[@sapphicalix]

I don’t think that sex positivity ignores non-consensual culture or pressures people to have more sex, at least not true sex positivity (in the same way that true feminism is inclusive but not all people who call themselves feminists are). I think you agree with sex positivity but not in the cases you are describing (as in not real sex positivity). I love that you’re talking about this, I just found your channel and you do an amazing job explaining and being incredibly informed on everything I’ve watched so far. I subscribed after the first video I saw and I can’t wait to see more 💜💜

[@travisdavidson2415]

Empathy is why we have a problem just saying no, bluntly. Sometimes a stern no is in order when dealing with some personalities, but for the most part we are empathic towards the feelings of others. When dealing with sex. No means no. Without question. How we feel about the pressures surrounding ideas around us is subjective, and how you allow the ideologies around you to effect you. It's personal. The only cure for how something effects each of us is found within each person. As far as feminism. I applaud the feminist movement, but despise blind hate of men for simply being men. You don't seem to be that type of feminist, so cool. Hope my answers were interesting.

[@Kerry.moynihan.intellectual]

This isn't considering the difference between sexual objectification and a healthy sexual culture. Sex-positive feminists are not condoning objectification for capitalist purposes.

[@evitta1]

I agree with you, but I think that you are actually talking about being sex positive, sex positivity is not just about having lots of sex, being adventurous and having a great sexual confidence. Sex positive is basically about consent (the real one, not just the mainstream no means no), responsibility, self care, etc. You can definitely be Asexual and sex positive. I think this is a simplification that society does, in the same way that has been done with the term feminism. So when you say, I am NOT sex positive because I think that consent is not that simple, what you really mean is I am sex positive because I think that consent is not that simple. Anyway, the importance is the content, not how we name it, and in that sense I agree with everything you say :)

[@nor3xp]

YES - really enjoyed this response, also : is there any way you could make a video talking more about capitalism? Some of my friends have been having an open discussion about it recently and its interesting to see it in different perspectives!

[@madzombiebaby]

I'd consider my friends sex positive and I have also a few friends on the asexual spectrum, including me. And I never got the impression, sex positive people shame others as prude. Most of my friends are also feminists and anti-capitalists, so maybe it's different from other sex positive circles. It was interesting to hear that some sex positive people take it in a negative way, so I can be more aware of that. I personally don't consider 'prude shamers' sex positive, because for me sex positivity also includes deciding for yourself how and if you want to have sex and that no one has to have sex at all. great video! and thanks for mentioning asexual people :)

[@meirsolomon5626]

Don't you think that Communism and the Matriarchy also effect sex positivism? Just curious because you called out Capitalism and the Patriarchy.

[@cuddles.monster]

Sex critical sounds like the "biological sex" version of gender critical. which is a "trans exclusionary radical feminism" thing where "radical feminists" say they are critical of gender except they just harass trans women.

[@claydoub]

I actually sort of disagree you which is very rare! The thing about sex positivity is that it says that individuals and societies shouldn't judge individuals for consensual sex choices. I do agree that societies and economic structures are often coercive in a very negative fashion, however, we cannot blame individuals for systemic issues. When we do, we very often see the mentalities arise that were so common just a few years ago, that we should arrest, harass, stigmatize, and even take the children of sex workers *for their own good.* And of course the logic at the root of this mentality is that because they were coerced, they no longer able to consent, which robs their agency from them entirely (as not being able to consent means not being able to make good choices so society should do it for you) which is in my opinion inhuman and just not true. They may be coerced but they are making the best decision they can given their circumstances just like billions of other people do with jobs they don't like. This is why I am sex positive and a progressive/socialist. Because I understand that our economic system is exploitative of workers, when the only goal is for the boss to get rich, and that society needs to be reformed to be more respectful of women and minorities, but I don't want to blame individuals to those systemic problems, but instead fix those systems so that our choices are more free

[@FlaviadaRocha-c5m]

Many of the features you list seem to me to be points in favour of sex-positivity. we need to get past the negative feelings that many people have about sex.

[@blondinevloggt]

if sex positivity is about respecting people's choices doesn't that include everything mentioned in this video? i always thought of "sex positive" as the opposite of "sex negative" as in "sex negative feminism" or how some religions and ideologies are very negative towards people's sexuality. if "sex positive" isn't the correct term for "i don't care what you do or don't do as long as it's consensual" then what do you call that? :D

[@theatrelover9920]

I never thought about it like this though I think I would still call my self sex positive, because to me it means I'm positive about any and all consenting sex between adults or an adults choice not to have sex, I don't understand why other people care about other's sex lives (when they're not in some form of relationship be it romantic or physical or both), if you want to go out and have lots of sex, cool, go for it, just be safe, if you don't want to have any sex, that's fine too. If you only want to have sex with someone you're in a committed relationship with, you do that, you do you as long as you are a consenting adult ( and so is your partner if you're having sex)

[@magicvortex]

Is there or was there any more consential culture than actual west culture? Also how capitalism is limiting access to jobs?

[@MarkHogan994]

No, there isn't. Western culture is the most consent-based culture in the world. She's full of shit.

[@naomifitzgerald1403]

I definitely do not support sex work being legalized. however, I also don’t think people who do sex work should be punished for it because it is often because they have no other real job options. I think that if it is legalized there will just be more opportunities for abuse in sex work and it encourages more abusive behaviors in general. I read somewhere about how the whole point of a business is that you can’t refuse your services to anyone. so if your ex comes in and wants to have sex with you, you can no longer say no without just quitting your job. we need to create a better economy for people who don’t have anywhere else to turn but sec work to get support and resources until they can find a job.

[@aliciacarr9014]

To me, being sex positive means letting people do what they want as long as they're aware of the risks and everyone is consenting and that includes being aware of everything you've covered here. A kind of 'You do you and whatever you choose is fine' approach.

[@Janicesaheed]

Is disagree on saying it’s always good. I follow some sex positive accounts who remind me having sex that is always good is impossible. We are human. Sometimes it won’t always be good, (this is an awareness to be known especially to those raised in purity culture) Having less than good sex, also doesn’t mean, that you need to feel shame or that’s it’s “punishment” for being sensual. Even bad or regrettable sex isn’t “proof” That having sex is morally wrong or that YOU are bad I think people don’t talk about the part of sex postiVity, allowing people to say no. And not want sex, all the time. And also how having no orgasms is okay, during sex. And to adding being sex positive or aware of sex education by statistic people who have sec education are more likely to make wiser decisions and not have sex as much with people. I think it would be more sex neutral, if thats a thing. There’s a lot of nuance.

[@eerbrev]

eeeeehhhhhI don't like the term "Sex Critical", it reminds me too much of "Gender Critical" which is really just a front for trans exclusionary discrimination.

[@layoverbear]

If a guy asks me out for coffee, and i don’t want to, I say no. Sorry, were good friends, but nothing more. If you can’t say no, it’s you. It’s alright, it’s just not society’s fault. It’s just a personal decision.

[@carlbowden4712]

I watched both videos. This sort of left my head spinning. Simply, I think everyone has the right to say yes or no. Maybe I missed the point. Why must we label everything these days?

[@AnnaLight]

I think u mixed up this whole consent thing... Saying yes to the coffee you didn't want to go in the first place isn't unconsentual. You are in fact consenting. The fact that people consent to things they maybe don't want is the bigger problem

[@annaw9687]

I didn’t realise Sex Positive is a whole big thing, I thought it just meant being open about sex and not shaming people who have a lot of sex? Doesn’t seem exclusionary to me?

[@sophiearthur7875]

I always thought of myself as sex positive, but included the fact that people can have as much or as little consensual sex as they like in my definition. Is that not the "normal" sex positive view?

[@valerieblackwood9777]

I’m not convinced a lot of those criticisms are true of sex positivity tho. For example, does it really exclude asexuals? I thought it says they’re ok!

[@maceyr.6583]

I’m sex positive and at the same time religious person. However, we shouldn’t force ourselves to accept sex positivity.

[@КонстантинЕрохин-ь8и]

I'll tell you right away. Freedom is above all responsibility. Including sexy.

[@MegBirch]

I agree with pretty much all of this. To add another example, I'm autistic, and sex can get a lot more complicated than sex positivity would have it - the energy that goes into understanding and predicting your partner, plus all the sensory issues... I think the conclusion is that the principles of sex positivity are generally good, but that it doesn't always work out in practice in the real world.

[@caxzrockz]

So basically what you are saying is Marxism?I hate my dead love life never been in a relationship and it annoys me I know that it's not anyone's fault but my own

[@liv1218]

I don't understand why a lot of aces feel uncomfortable when people are sex positive..like most of the time it literally boils down to ''ugh look at the allos at it again,,,why wont they pay attention to me???'' like when talking about sex why would we need more than an added 'and if you dont want to have sex with anyone thats cool too' to make them ''comfortable''? ive literally seen aces complain about youtubers who make videos which include sex toy brand deals, just because its not relevant to their life? like give it a rest mate..

[@WarpScanner]

I feel like people complaining about prudes and people complaining about sluts are often different people though. Also, one can differentiate between complaining about face to face cultural norms of prudishness or complain about (conversely) hyper sexual media that seems to imply people are losers for not having enough sex.

[@bethrique]

Speak for yaself, I’d happily say no to all sorts if I don’t feel like it. Do what you want! If people think you’re rude so be it

[@cassiusfelix2805]

Some of us just got learn the word no. I don’t speak a word. Like those people who can say no to someone face straight should get some respect put on their name alright.

[@nukenade4623]

are you just trying to please everyone now? first you make a video about why you are sex positive and now suddenly your not? Make your mind up

[@nikolasclancy5821]

I don't understand why you speak so much about the patriarchy if you would please explain.

[@doorkeeper2466]

It's about choice, everyone should be allowed to be or not to be as sexual as they want... is that choice positivity?

[@artofwar420]

I agree with all your points but shouldn’t sex positivity BE that as well? Including people in all spectrums of sexuality?

[@StarMintaka]

Did you put your sleeves up and change hairstyle to make it seem like you didn't film two videos in one day? Great idea, Han :)

[@GenderSkins]

It would be nice to hear something about sex negative, as I have learned a lot about sex positivity from this.

[@paunitka7]

If you are positive towards a certain thing, it doesn't mean that you have to do it all the time or force your views on others. 🤔

[@flashbackcubsfan2055]

If you can't tell a friend that you don't want to have a coffee with them.....are they really friends?