Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult? | Mark Shapiro, MD | TEDxSonomaCounty

Making friends as an adult is hard. At the same time, the benefits of friendships are multiple and powerful. In this compelling TEDx presentation, Dr. Mark Shapiro makes the case for pursuing new friendships and offers a step by step pathway to help you move forward in an authentic way.
Mark is a Hospitalist and Accredited Medical Practitioner at Providence Medical Group - Northern California. He’s also the creator and host of Explore The Space, a popular podcast that brings those who provide healthcare and those who seek healthcare closer together. His current work with the US Surgeon General addresses how to counteract the loneliness epidemic affecting our health and well-being through meaningful connections. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

[@nithishrajk.b2547]

With the same note.. Maintaining childhood friends in adulthood is equally hard.

[@user-yj3ob9kd3l]

A childhood friend recently went off on me in texts with personal insults and ended with--I don't want you as my friend. Just like that, 50 years cancelled. Made me wonder if marijuana use caused a psychotic event.

[@maheshkulkarni319]

Yes u r right

[@cippo007]

​@@user-yj3ob9kd3lMade the Same observation with people taking drugs as cannabis

[@EthanGrech]

Yep, I've seen it with cannabis use too.

[@carpo719]

My buddy calls it watering the Friendship garden, sometimes we reconnect after a long time away but good friends never go away

[@josuebarros5727]

Making friends is hard, keeping friends close is 4 times harder

[@hermitonthelake]

Keeping friends as the years go by, is also very difficult. No matter how often you reach out to see how they are doing, they seem to just fade away...maybe it's me.

[@user-yj3ob9kd3l]

I'm always the one to reach out. If I didn't, they would absolutely fade away. Good question--is it me??

[@Robert9530]

​@@user-yj3ob9kd3lIf you are the one that always reaches out, let them fade away.

[@user-yj3ob9kd3l]

@Robert9530 each one of our friends is a tentacle of ourselves, and letting them fade away is cutting off a tentacle. That reduces the depth of our own being. Several have died, and I would always wonder.

[@ufocool1]

@@user-yj3ob9kd3l its not like that ;) you dont have to cut your tentacle ... keep them to feed you

[@user-yj3ob9kd3l]

@ufocool1 each friendship tentacle leads down a path of our own history. Losing a tentacle ends that piece of our own history. That's sad.

[@naimulhasan802]

Making friend is easy But Maintaining Friendship is hard.

[@wy9421]

The essence lies in the fact that relationships between adults are always based on transactions, and there is no place for relationships to germinate without selfishness, as innocent as in childhood.😑

[@carpo719]

Making friends is easy, maintaining friendships is the difficult part. That's why we stick with those we've known for a long time because they can accept absences for a long time and then reconnection

[@teschchr122]

I have attachment issues (abandoned at one month and then foster care) so I have extreme problems with making and keeping friends. I have one friend now and she is distant lately. The loneliness is crushing.

[@garrettspeakeasy]

Multiple reasons. We are so busy, everyone is so fricken busy. Another is social media ironically has made us less social and way more unauthentic as well as making us lack vulnerability which has been the biggest point of recreating my social life in adulthood. Joined a mens group which has helped alot.

[@KW-mz4pn]

I believe it’s the current society and culture in which we reside.

[@ichigo5727]

Accurate

[@Robert9530]

Yup 👍🏻

[@sharinaross1865]

Yep.

[@AL-lh2ht]

Of course this statement is so vague it becomes completely nonsense.

[@szilvijuhasz]

For me the main problem is to find people who have similar values and interests.

[@daledevernon56]

If there is no common ground between people making friends then is nearly impossible.

[@jagans6409]

expectations from old friends hurt ❤

[@ajwalker4416]

I've had friendships start the text messaging route that have turned into meaningful relationships. All it takes is both people being willing to extend that hand and ask "Do you want to be my friend?" I've seen kids do this all the time.

[@sharminiserasinghe3293]

You can find plenty of fairweather 'friends' if you have money to spend on them. But the moment you fall ill or need their help, they simply disappear.

[@mrsmucha]

Yep

[@TheSjsicilia]

In our culture we do not revere the older and the wiser...

[@TJDST4]

That is not true.

[@annieconway8998]

Moving around as we do nowadays also makes making new friends again and again becomes more like hard work

[@ThePleasantPixel]

loneliness has spiked after covid for understandable reasons

[@Harthikreddyy]

21 and have zero friends

[@alika207]

The same holds true with face-to-face connections as virtual connections! I believe it's important to exercise your skills in both types.

[@1DaTJo]

The most important friendship I will ever have is with myself. My friendships with others extends from there.

[@ayhansimsek8506]

Thanks for sharing this video with us

[@bberdan6603]

Timely. Thank you

[@razia6046]

There are friends for a reason, friends for a season and friends for life. I only met the ones for a season 😞

[@shubhasreedharan6966]

We need to be very careful. First you have to observe the traits of the person and make sure that the person is totally harmless. Never become friends with anyone who takes advantage of others.

[@glendaanderson4969]

As long as your new friend doesn't have an avoident attachment style 😂

[@mrsmucha]

Or is a covert narcissist.

[@stvinney]

Making friends is, surprisingly, not difficult at all for me But as an introvert, keeping them requires work and time. The latter I value very much. And there's where the problem lies I don't wanna wind up lonely but I need to have my alone time It's as critical for me as having friends and being able to go out is for others In this scenario the most important thing is to find someone that is great at planning but doesn't need you to sort of be oncall so much. Im a horrible planner when it comes to social/recreational things and yet my weekends are arguably more structured than my work days

[@TheKathybarth]

Brilliant.

[@sharlitagiles]

I work from home. Zero friends. Zero social life. I live pay check to pay check. So I have no money to go out.

[@dantediedagain]

You can always find free events or even a simple walk through the city or a park 😃

[@sharinaross1865]

Loneliness

[@glendoriaburris2586]

Thank u🤎

[@celestialcircledance]

My social bubble consists of one LOL and time has to be a big part of the equation when there are so many demands placed on it !

[@germanharpyie9923]

This remembers me the words of Kenny Rogers "can't make old friends"

[@plaurenzi83]

Great talk! It made me thing of a meme I saw the other day that said "When you are in your 20s, 15 people can show up to the door and you're always ready - When you are in your 30s, it take 2 months preparation to see a friend." Now I wonder how it goes as we get to our 40s, 50s, 60s, etc. ?

[@carlinehwrring5568]

I prefer to not have friends. My circle is super small. My husband and I have 9 grandchildren, 5 kids. Friends aren't important to us. It's safer to keep people away and determine what family is toxic baggage.

[@Red_1976]

I think there is pressure with new friends and technology the way it is. Ppl expect you to respond to a text within a day, sometimes a few hours and if you forget to reply or just simply can’t it appears rude. I can never respond within 24hours, so I do at my own pace. Other people should do the same. I think we put pressure on eachother to reply just because we are all on mobile phones. Not everyone takes theirs out if they are working or want a day with family.

[@mariaantoniettamontella9173]

grazie

[@phillipsoulwin]

Can i be your friend 😅?

[@jessicasimplicioreis3824]

Alguém assistindo??🦄🦄🦄

[@alyciamarrison2916]

I just went up to someone & just asked "do you wanna play?" But can you guess the responce!! :/

[@sharinaross1865]

I don't want to know

[@SMALLDANE]

Have they let you out of jail yet? 😂

[@spazefalcon2794]

Missing Concept: people get crazy. Root Cause - is not here.

[@jenethdsouza]

I am trying to say... Can you help me? 😂

[@ZakiRh-fm7vb]

Say ham dulah❤❤

[@jenethdsouza]

I am trying to say... Can you help me? 😂

[@ZakiRh-fm7vb]

@@jenethdsouza😂❤️🇩🇿

[@Yakoba317]

❤❤

[@superbrawlcellstars5981]

Yall had friends when you were kids?

[@HertzMiao]

Llegué a 200k hoy. Estoy realmente agradecido por todo el conocimiento y las pepitas que me habéis brindado durante los últimos meses. Comenzó con 14k en junio de 2022, gracias Sra. Stacey Meredith

[@EricCampbellUAV]

jedi mind trick

[@pranavpatel29jan]

How 😮 taking western countries example where kids are being taught to do not talk with strangers , which they carry through their life and not accepting stranger and complaining about isolated and blah blah of loneliness.. atmosphere is so strict where u have a fear of talking or connecting strangers😮..it's all about culture and society..

[@fmargaret2825]

It isn't if you have candy...and a van... sorry. Forgot the van part.

[@doriezitro8556]

How To Win Friends And Influence People

[@unpopuIaropinion]

does that work ?

[@Mkbshg8]

Can't speak for other countries but in UK if you aren't into drinking or football forget it.

[@panosdotnet]

People just want to be left alone. Then this video.

[@AbidMarwat-wb4wc]

Why making friends is so hard give me reason ?

[@trent5641]

Life, thats why. How close minded are you? Lol

[@ufocool1]

cose you have none

[@SMALLDANE]

Hey you two! Be nice. Don't prove the point this way.

[@fubytv731]

He sounds like he keeps spitting.

[@Scrumptious-b2q]

Yada yada yada.Tks🇨🇦

[@doc693]

Wow you look older than me I’m 55. And I’ve had a rough life. I even lived on the streets of Houston when I was 14-16. Not a bit of grey hair yet. Go figure

[@ghost3990]

📩🏎️🏎️

[@jagans6409]

summary please? ❤

[@mowgli2071]

You need a summary for an ELEVEN MINUTE video?

[@adaltunga3237]

@@mowgli2071why not?

[@MiketheYoungster]

Some people are too lazy to make friends

[@ranjith9656]

😂i feel targeted

[@JennyChengSvicS]

This is what I think: We are living in a world with many distractions. No one cares about others anymore. Relationships are replaceable. Connection is nothing but a tool as you put on your mask at work/school or even at home if you're living with unpleasant people. As it is fake to you, it drains you, and you end up not looking into 'real friendship' anymore. Also, networking is wrongly defined by educators as it only sprouts from material benefits, which is absurdly unsettling.

[@lovelydarlinghari]

Ask if you can give a job to common people like me To your channel

[@ghost3990]

💀🤮🤮💀

[@uaps28]

Why is it so hard to make a decent TedXTalk nowadays?! These topics are just boring and uninspiring.