"Why IS MY FAMILY SO POSITIVE?"| Toxic Positivity | Psychotherapy Crash Course

[@kiskakuznetsova503]

Thank you, I'm so grateful that youre shining light on this and other toxic family behaviors. You dissect the behaviors that make up neglect, narcisissm, sociopathy, etc. These are undermining for a child and for someone trying to make their way in the world as a young adult. The family coping "skills" run counter to reality and are destructive, if not to them (and they are all that counts). This is very familiar and it took a lot of therapy and reality testing as an adult to recover from this kind of thinking. Now it's bizarre to have to deal with people like this: you are the enemy for having human reactions to tough problems. Or just venting over a bad boss. (And funnily enough my aunt had 4 marriages but always got a lot of satisfaction when my relationships ended: if he cheated, if he stole from me, all the better. She ate up my sadness like it was popcorn. Then, she'd insist I spin it in a positive way.)

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you 😊 Very glad this is helpful. I love that you say "...it took a lot of therapy and reality testing as an adult to recover from this kind of thinking." That means you are closer to freedom and authenticity. Took me some time too! Now I operate from a place of authenticity and realness always.

[@kiskakuznetsova503]

​@@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you (I just saw your reply!), I appreciate hearing that from someone like you! Toxic positivity is a tool to shame and silence the victim and IMHO, it creates a dynamic where the child becomes more vulnerable to predators and more abuse because they are trained to second guess their instincts and beleive other people over themselves. It's a terrible setup.

[@realhealing7802]

They deny reality because it doesn't work for them. These people are toxic. Emotions are real and nobody should deny your reality.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Agree! I just told a client last week that we have to be aware of how we impact others with our emotions. ALL emotions are valid when they expressed appropriately.

[@zhukovmisha]

Our emotions are never wrong and to suppress them is a recipe to disaster

[@realhealing7802]

Religious people can do the same thing. Toxic positivity does damage.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Agree! I love my faith and I love walking with God. BUT...overly religious and self-righteous people are difficult.

[@Homoclite]

I was thinking the same thing when I saw the title and immediately went to a few folks who were the closest to me. Those folks aren’t around me anymore and learned to stop showing anything or expressing anything to or around them due to that mess! It’s unfortunate that my mother engaged in that many times. I had to stand up for my feelings and etc… and sometimes the manner wasn’t always so respectful. However, she got the point…though it wasn’t accepted…even on her death bed.

[@truth4utoda]

Yes! Same.

[@Homoclite]

@@truth4utoda You know, one thing that I find interesting is when they're in a situation and state of mind where they're not so hyper positive and filled with rays of sunshine, flowers and pseudo sage of advice! LOL! See, the dark side of me laughs inside and might hurl some verbal venom rivaling a rattlesnake's bite! But I try NOT to take it there! LOL!

[@Star-dj1kw]

I like the points Tamara brought out. > The Toxic Positivity people minimize your pain. Especially when it’s pain caused by a PERSON, the Toxic P person will defend the offender like it was no biggie 😳😳!!

[@curiousone6435]

Oh gosh, yes! The toxic positivity folks are ace enablers. They complicate things further and would prefer people put up with abuse so they can be comfortable.

[@mrfredbasset]

I’m trying to be less toxic-positive. My family are all very negative and always find all the bad things in the situation and it really negatively affected me growing up, so I went the complete opposite way. But I’m trying to find the healthy balance. I used to do everything (and sometimes still do 🙈) you mentioned and I have 100% cut people off because they were a dark cloud in my sunny sky. And it’s honestly very scary when someone starts to mess with your well crafted world. It takes a lot of effort to keep things perfect in your world, so you’re preoccupied with just yourself that it can be hard to think about the other person. It’s not personal 😅 I’m just putting all my brainpower into being happy and positive. And a lot of the time we are very self-aware that what we are doing is wrong but it’s hard to stop because you feel like you’re entire world will fall apart the minute you stop. Think of it like the matrix and you’re doing everything to keep your simulation running just right and smoothly. I feel really guilty when I catch myself thinking “Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.” When a friend is complaining or speaking negatively about something. I’m a work in progress. Please don’t come for me. I just want to share a bit of perspective from the other side.

[@truth4utoda]

I am pessimistic too so....don't feel alone!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you! As I stated, I feel like my pessimism is justified because of the career I'm in. But sadly, it would be justified for anyone in today's world.

[@chilloften]

Toxic positivity…missing half the beauty of this life. BTW…You are gorgeous. I love your hairs.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

😊thank you

[@florebaptiste2792]

This is a great video. And then there are the ones that make someone else’s pain about them. “Your actions make me sad” smdh. I mean what type of narcissistic, immature response is this bs?

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you. Glad this was helpful. Well, this is the kind of person who feels entitled. They don't need to expand their worldview to include your needs, hurts, etc. Their world is just that...their world. You're a small spec in it.

[@Sarah-mi2rv]

Yup. This is my family. Very tricky to see clearly within. When I get upset with them or other things and come to them with it. I often feel gaslit and thinking I'm making a big deal out of it. One of my family members dismisses and minimizes me with a smile (I don't think they realize what they are doing, because it doesn't seem malicious). However, it is still just as painful, and very confusing! It helps to get outside perspective. Though I can see these things, it's still hard to break free from because the self-doubt is so engrained. Thanks for your video!

[@Homoclite]

❤️ Hang in there and take back the control! I still have challenges with that nonsense from time to time. But it will lessen as time goes by and staying aware and vigilant. That self doubt is a beast!

[@ladennayoung2939]

That is not someone that is being positive at all. More then likely that is coming from someone that is choosing to be controlling and manipulative. And even though we don't like to say those things, because they are family members. And we have been convinced that we are wrong for admitting that our family can be toxic and dysfunctional. It is what it is. You have to choose to call it what it is, and confront it for what it is, in the mighty name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth. You may have to go no contact with your whole family, in order to protect your joy, peace, sanity, and assignment from GOD. And you MUST choose to be okay with that, in the mighty name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth. God got you. This maybe a new journey that you need to take. God may have chosen you to break the generational curses that have plagued your family for years. And it's NOT an easy call, assignment, or task, but it's VERY necessary. I pray your strength in the Lord, and I pray that you choose to grow in His knowledge, wisdom, and understanding, and that you learn to recognize His voice and will for your life. And that you choose to follow and obey Him and Him alone, in the mighty name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth. He knows what and who is best for you.

[@TheShiningOnes]

In my opinion, if they are older than 25, they know exactly what they are doing even though it may seem like they don't, & this is what makes this behavior that much more INSIDIOUS.

[@SarahMarie-j2n]

Well this explains nearly every relationship I've ever had, familial, friendwise, professional, religious, medical.. There were exceptions of course, but not many. Toxic positivity has really permiated our culture.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Positive people are needed - especially in the sad times we live in. But would you be able to identify the overly positive narcissist in your family? I talk about that in this video. ***Post your comments and questions below!

[@shakurwonders5216]

i dont know if u made it, but i would like it if u made a video differenciating Toxic parents with a minimum or maximum narcissistic traits Vs Really Narcissistic Personality Disorder Parents. sometimes i tend to mix them up. Thanks for the video, it speaks to me, it talks to most of my family members if not all.

[@slimdusty6328]

Great info thanks Tamara. I sometimes wonder if perhaps toxic positivity might sometimes relate to growing numbers of suicide. Because of the way how thoughts containing a more negative vibe are being treated as being something unpleasant . Even although the negative vibe might in fact relate to a certain reality of life. And yet the very thought of that, is unpopular, and is therefore being supressed . Even be it subconsciously so (ie: the suppression) . People "are well aware" of it being unpopular to rock the "positive" vibe high of what humanity has grown-toward craving, so rather than to rock the vibe for those others, the depressed people might then instead choose to attempt suicide .

[@kimkaragiannis848]

This was super helpful!! And yes, Americans will criticize a person for responding in any way other than positive. Its so dismissive! I think also parents will tell a child to stop crying, stop pouting, and don't be mad. My mom did this to me, so now I feel shame if I express anger or hurt. 😢

[@jomurphy1654]

Really fascinating, thank you Tamara! I totally recognised that syndrome of a kind of 'entrained' positivity - linked, I think, to the awful fauning that mentally ill parents can exact from their children. My bipolar mother couldn't stand me to be anything other than sunny and supra-positive at ALL times, even though, ironically, she attempted to crush my spirit day by day. (My rebellion, when it came, was nuclear....!) - I can now see that a lot of that buoyancy of spirit was - and is - in my nature, but, through adult-hood (and being blessed in having an extraordinarily insightful husband) I learnt to be much truer to my self and that has been absolutely vital in establishing real authenticity through recognising pain and difficulty. I love William Blake's "Exuberance is beauty" but these moments are not, as it were, a continuous 'barrage' of positivity at the expense of another's sensibility but - rather - random moments of inspiration and warmth shared in certain (all too rare) moments. Looking back, I realise that my psychological staying-power had a great deal to do with my love of life and creative spirit - it was necessary rocket fuel which I wouldn't be without, to this day, but I feel that I am far more balanced now, (decades of teaching, coaching and lecturing have helped!) Sardonic humour helps too - it's another leavening agent... and, interestingly, I've found that the toxically positive aren't very funny....!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome Jo! And thank you for sharing this too! Very glad you are on the journey of authenticity and truth.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Good point Bushra!

[@jomurphy1654]

@@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you Tamara!!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome!

[@larsjensen7115]

Thanks for this video. I have suffered a lot as a child because of toxic positive mother. She seems sweet and nice, but she never offer any space. I was pushed away, and left alone with my feelings. Later in life I have discovered, she is not the only one, but now I recognize those people before I get hurt.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I'm sorry to hear this. Sounds like she gave you an early lesson that could carry you for a lifetime now.

[@shakurwonders5216]

That really matches a manipulative person

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Yes, it does. Also narcissism.

[@LADYDIVAful]

Tamara THANK YOU FOR SHARING! I cannot get ready for today "TOXIC POSITIVITY" wave. It's because I can see losing endgames while they're in motion. You're SO RIGHT about "Engineered Positivity". I know people who are TOO POSITIVE around people they're trying to impress!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome! And thank you for validating everyone else's experience here. Engineered positivity is just wayyyyyy too much!

[@Homoclite]

Though I’m 2 days late seeing the video, this is STILL and once again right on time. I just had this conversation with a couple of people yesterday! 💘 This mess happens far more frequently and is more pervasive in some communities than people think!

[@truth4utoda]

🤓yes! Same here

[@kiskakuznetsova503]

This thumbnail is everything! Wow! (And totally accurate!)

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

🤓🤗

[@shakurwonders5216]

And they say "You are man, why are u fuckin crying, get over it" "Youre wise how can u fail this subject" "Youre too young to have stress" i dont comprehend it.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Yes, this is awful to hear. Yes you are a man but you also have emotions. And any age can be stressed! Sometimes kids have MORE stress living under the parent they have!

[@lori8885]

Iswear soo true especially when they think they're the positive ones and were the one with the problems does damage i get that its their coping mechanism but its draining

[@truth4utoda]

Really looking forward to this Tamara! 😀

[@nodozhit]

Thanks Tamara for a great discussion! I'm hoping that you can expound upon the toxicity of the Pygmalion Effect versus the Golem Effect, which I see as deeply embedded within the everyday American culture and psyche. I can say that I witnessed an overly entitled and glorified golden boy con his way into the highest levels of respect within our society- while the most prepared person, for the job, was demonized and discredited. And I can relate this behavior to Socrates' 2000 year old tale of disgust for the sweet shop owner rallying against the deeds of a good doctor. I also like to point to how I see the majority's cultural acceptance and normalization of a toxic personality type like Eric Cartmen (from the South Park series) as a blatant example for the majority's biases and bigotries towards the behaviors of any kind of minority who act out in a way anything close to the Cartmen's antics and whimsicals that they find amusing.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome and thank you for sharing this!! I will certainly add it to the list. As long as it is in my "wheelhouse" of experience I will talk about it!

[@scottmcphee7714]

Thank You So Much Spot On!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Glad it was helpful! You're welcome.

[@sweethoneylove7956]

Already saved in my list. Could you talk about hypomania?

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

That's a good one! Yes. I will try to fit this in a little bit before the video is posted.

[@CasinoCourtney]

Tamara! I know you're gonna speak on this Oscar drama aren't you? ill be hoping and waiting bc this was an emotionally charged incident for the people there and the tv audience

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Man that's good! I was pondering it for a while and then decided against it. Not sure I want to be pulled into that kind of drama, but I might touch on the dynamics of his family and why this event may have been motivated by some of that, in the future.

[@CasinoCourtney]

@@TherapistTamaraHill yes mam let me clarify, not a right or wrong response video but more of like the trauma of witnessing stuff like this, there's a movie actually called "the slap" I've been wanting to see that deals with a family dynamic that changes after someone is slapped at a family gathering

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

That makes sense for sure! I have heard of The Slap too. It's on the list!

[@Ms.ShellyHall.81]

This sounds like like my husband

[@danieljohnson2349]

TH 👍

[@ladennayoung2939]

Idk. I heard another therapist speak on this subject matter, and it was quite annoying to me. To say the least. I know that you mean well, but the way they was speaking about it was annoying. No one should intentionally make someone feel bad, because they are having a rough day or moment in their life. And NO one should never minimize anyone's feelings, but myself I have chose and decided to attempt to try to be positive and joyful with EVERYTHING in me. No matter what is going on around me. Because I know it's not beneficial to myself or other's to constantly be sad, angry, mumbling, and complaining about everything that I'm going through. YES. Life can be REALLY hard, and some things that we experience don't feel good, and it may feel or seem unfair. But I have discovered that God literally allow EVERYTHING to happen in our lives for a reason. And generally we get more strength, knowledge, wisdom, passion, and compassion from the painful things that we encounter in our lives. I have discovered that life is about making choices, and you generally have to choose to be joyful in any given situation that you encounter. Because choosing to be depressed or angry constantly will get you absolutely no where. I have an aunt that literally idolize pain. She think her issues is the addictions that she have. No. Her issues is that she chooses to idolize and praise the pain and trauma that she experience in her life. She will choose to turn to her addictions for comfort, but she haven't realized those addictions just lead her to those painful memories that she choose to cling to, that she can't change. And cry and cry and cry and cry about them, and it cause her to create trauma or pain that don't exist. And start accusing people of laughing or talking about her because she have those addiction, which generally isn't the case. And I myself try to tell her the truth with love, because I don't have time for it. She will try to pick fights with you because of it (because she's passive/aggressive, like my mom and her sister's), and I'm not with that. They refuse to seek help to get deliverance and healing from the childhood trauma that they encountered. And they constantly function from a place of fear, anger, chaos, control, triangulation, rebellion, pride, ego, anger, depression, and so on and so forth. So, yes in order for me to make it and survive, if I do choose to interact with them. I will give them a positive response. I'm not choosing to minimize or ignore their pain. Nor am I choosing to not live in reality. I'm just choosing to shift my perspective to the people and things in my life that I have to be grateful for and go from there. Yes. It's okay to be sad or angry for a little while, to process and acknowledge you pain or trauma, or the trauma that other's may have encountered. But you can't survive like that. It will take you out one way or another. You have to figure out how to give things to GOD, ask Him to heal and deliver you, seek counseling, and ask Him to help you move on to the best of your ability in Jesus name. Because that's ALL you really can do.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Allow me to also add that FAITH changes the trajectory a lot. When you are holding on to faith and following God's plan for your life (and you believe no His plans for you), you can find joy and happiness in the storm. It can be really hard to find faith, peace, and happiness when you are directly in the storm. But at the perfect time God will give you some life back that may entail joy. So that's important to mention that here for those of us who walk by faith.

[@qert218]

this is terribly necessary - it ties kind of to the british stiff upper lip