Why isn't the narcissist HOOVERING me?

[@wiedzma_nie_niewiasta]

I actually took the lack of hoovering as a compliment: he knew I was too smart and doing too well in my recovery to buy any of his sh*t. I choose to interpret it this way 😂

[@CaramelGundrop]

Same! I was just ghosted by one, and I assume it’s because he knows he can’t fool me.

[@FindYourFree]

I see it the same way lolll. I'm happy as a lark!

[@kirsikka3752]

I do the same, but some days I forget that and start to think a narcissist as a normal person.

[@keylightlifecoaching]

Yes! And perhaps a bit of shame - knowing they have done awful things and they realize YOU know that, therefore you aren't a clean or "nutritious" enough source for them of narcissistic supply.

[@ericxb]

@@keylightlifecoaching “nutritious” just made my skin crawl lol, but apt word choice

[@UnstableYT-u7k]

The narcissist isn’t hoovering you yet because they are busy hoovering others.

[@lynneleverton8825]

Or they're waiting for you to chase THEM!!!!

[@oneofthegoodonesok]

Or they get others to watch what you do. Either way, that's their problem, nobody else's

[@girlygirl9766]

@@oneofthegoodonesok yeah I have that he sends people to see what I'm doing.

[@y00mie]

​@@lynneleverton8825totally, the reverse hoover.

[@Herr.P]

or they let their henchmen do it for them.

[@DaveJohnson-Php]

We want to feel like we have value and are wanted. This feeling of not being good enough goes back to childhood. The narcissist preys on the weak and vulnerable.

[@msr1116]

And I'm amazed at how skilled they are at recognizing those sometimes subtle clues of vulnerability. It could be voice tone, body language or in the eyes of their prey. My ex and his family were experts at reading others for their own nefarious purposes.

[@psalm148.1]

Predators know the vulnerable ones, it's in their nature. And the enablers/flying monkeys they train to pick the weak out of a crowd and report back. Unfortunately we are living in a neighborhood of the enabling flying monkeys. It's also very sad that they are blinded/fooled/ignorant/willing participants of the Narcissists tactics just as I used to be.

[@mnp870]

They love empathys.

[@anewlifestirring]

It is relief to be in a position to say no, even at the expense of being detached and non reactive in the face of material provocation which is subtle form of hoovering by trying to reengage in conflict and arguments. Going grey rock and no contact at any cost is the ultimate form of closure that the victim of narcissism has at his disposal to put the narcissist in his true place.

[@TheTorment]

I want a hoover just so that I can mock her, put her in her place and make her feel like a maggot she is for doing what she did to me. Because she never got to hear any of it, I kept being patient and understanding while she abused me, and even the last conversation I had with her over the phone was pure torture for me, I was left shocked and speechless after what I heard, and when I finally snapped out of the paralysis and started yelling she just hanged up instantly. I never got to say anything she deserved to hear and she never faced any consequences of her actions.

[@giginicole6697]

You never feel like you matter during the relationship. Them being able to walk away so easily is the final insult to a relationship full of injury.

[@katyams]

I loved how you said it! 100% accurate and true!!!❤

[@wengerball7060]

So true

[@mah455]

That’s were I’m at now and it’s hard for me not to reach out to him. I’ve had to block all his family and friends so I didn’t have the constant reminder of him. That’s the hard part, everything reminds me of him. Plus I based my whole day around him, so that’s hard too. I need to figure out how to reprogram my brain.

[@Missybella92227]

@@mah455 Going through the same. Couple weeks ago was discarded by ex fiancé. He was so insensitive and cruel during discard too. He left me for his new supply. Try to put your ego first; know it’s difficult but it’s what I’ve been doing.

[@Lolipop8686]

Exactly this ! 😞

[@advancedbasicsAB]

Sometimes when a narcissist knows that you see them for what they are and that you can no longer be manipulated, they simply cannot hoover you because you hold a mirror up to what they are. It is excruciating for them. It is a good thing, you are too switched on now. It is actually a compliment guys!

[@SagittariusBabe87]

Yes, We cause Narcissstic injuries and create a lot of shame within them. They can't handle the shame of things they've done and they know they hurt people. That's why people get away from them and move on. They see through the mask. They are disturbed individuals.

[@sophiachampsi8953]

That was my thought exactly....

[@theStarryNYT]

Bingo. My ex told me he didn’t like “the way I deal with people”. Well, no wonder, because I have a zero tolerance policy for that level of toxicity and he suddenly realized that I had “made” him (in spy terms haha) and was handling him in the exact same way as I had previously confided to having handled both my father and a childhood friend. And his fragile ego can’t deal w/ the thought that he didn’t leave me in a puddle, missing him desperately, just ripe for the hoovering whenever he gets bored & horney. (Sometimes a little blunt honesty goes a helluva long way.)

[@peachydandy2570]

Finally someone said it. Thank you!

[@ericad4569]

He knows that door is closed and permanently sealed shut. I love myself more than I loved him.

[@evasvie2699]

Wow! Good for you! 👍

[@catherineharcourt8592]

Well said.

[@careforjusticealways]

this comment is perfect❤

[@bezza2005]

That is a true love yourself more that the narcissist person. Thank you for the true comment.

[@emilydaniel1847]

Narcissists don't care about you when you're together and care even less when you're not. Five years after summarily dumping me and disappearing, my narcissist returned and then hoovered me for another ten years. Narcissists resurface and hoover because: they're low on supply; they love the challenge of getting back someone who has moved on; and/or they want to destroy the life you've built without him/her. Caring about you is NEVER the reason. If you're not being hoovered, be thankful!

[@yokaineko920]

Exactly! 👏🏻👏🏻🙌🏻👍🏻

[@Justme-d6o]

Five years!! I thought im free after 10 months narc free😮

[@theirmom4723]

The feeling of not being hoovered: Wonderful! They have finally found another supply.

[@FindYourFree]

or they just know the hoover won't work lol!

[@saturdayschild8535]

Yes! Or they are avoiding the rejection they know you will dish out.

[@juanaatkins777]

I can't wait until he finds one as then he will not be bothering me. The woman he left me for unfortunately for him ( and me) decided to stay with her husband. I wish she would leave her husband so that the two of them can be together. I couldn't think of a worse punishment for the two cheaters LOL

[@Michelle-uh7qi]

When you have really had enough of a narc and get the revelation they spark the damage in your life and can never change their behaviour, not being hovered is a blessing, that comes with peace and healing.

[@whatsgoingon7605]

Yes. All this.

[@twovirginiacats3753]

Exactly! Just don't let them get the drift that you are enjoying life and could care less if they ever come back. Otherwise, they will start to hoover (at least that has been my experience).

[@Jobless-r4w]

I'm realising, I don't want to be hoovered in, I just want to be left alone and in peace ❤

[@Snakey103]

This 🙌

[@ellobo1326]

My female covert narcissist/sociopath tried to Hoover me 4-5 times in about 3-4 years after I divorced her and went no contact. I told her to pound sand every time. On her last call, realizing that I was forever done with her, she cursed me and hung up. Haven’t heard from her in +- 15 years. She and I both know the despicable things she did to me, yet she actually thought I’d be stupid enough to expose myself to more abuse. It’s amazing how warped their thinking is.

[@msr1116]

I was floored by my ex husband 's warped mind--but later stunned to discover his two brothers and mother were just as messed up, if not more. At that point I fully understood why his dad eventually threw all four of them out of the house and stopped talking to them for many years.

[@cc1k435]

They seem to have very limited memories for their own nonsense. I think it's why if you ask them about anything they've done, they scoff at you or say they don't know what you are talking about. 😂

[@chanel82593]

Omg so truee!! They don’t remember a damn thing they did to you!! No matter how heinous! The disorder’s protective mechanism is strong asf🤔

[@olyooshka]

The audacity of them to actually dehumanize people so stubbornly that they are SURE their whims should take precedent over everything no matter what..

[@olyooshka]

​​​@@cc1k435A narc actually hoovered me with memes like: "If you keep looking into the past, you are missing your future".😂 They flooded my dms with a ton of memes all seemingly tailored to promote their narcissistic traits and to blame and shame the victims. It's so ridiculous it is almost funny. 😅

[@sarahd147]

As usual - so spot on. How can these relationships be so scripted, it’s utterly bizarre.

[@amiravdic7451]

Most spot on comment in my experience. My narc that I’m still with for 5 yrs has lied, cheater, verbally abused me, went no contact for a while etc n it all always feels so rigid scripted n played out. Highly unnatural, very robotic n makes u wonder how it’s possible for anyone to display such behavior regularly. So I grew to fake everything along with her now knowing I’m just using her for sex n shit n don’t feel bad 1% cuz she’s using me too n I know I ain’t dealing with a genuine person

[@joeshabe]

@@amiravdic7451 you're lying to yourself when you say you fake it and don't care. you do care. you do hope she changes and recognises how good a boy you are. run. while you still have some energy left, run. you WILL find the one who loves you without all these narcissistic manipulations. there ARE pretty, smart and kind women out there. and you WILL come across one who's going to really like you, just give yourself time. run.

[@MissStood1]

Silent treatment gets you panicking and running back. The hoovering makes you panic and step back.

[@forensicbadassprofiling]

Be so glad and so relieved that you are not being hoovered. But moreover, be so loving, caring. And proud of yourself, because you are a strong and worthy opponent. The Narcissist KNOWS you're too strong for them. They fear you. The Narcissist knows you will not take their bullshit. And ..... The narcissist also knows IF they Hoover, you WILL expose them.

[@JH-td4mn]

💯👏👏

[@mckitty4907]

This comment alone, is what finally made me feel better, after months of intense struggle.

[@forensicbadassprofiling]

@@mckitty4907 Hugs of care and strength. You deserve better than feeling undeserving.

[@IamTheMom]

My ex always starts to call me when he is not in a relationship saying he feels alone and needs my kind ear to listen. Once I said I have no interest in his sobstories he said ”I do’nt like the person you have become”. 😂 well just live with it dude

[@vivianstewart7523]

LOL

[@elflashvisionz]

Ur problem is u answer da kall when shuld have kompletely ignore ur ex.

[@twinklelicious]

@@elflashvisionzwhy use k

[@marisolorosco4345]

Mine told me that i was never like that before. He said i said snide remarks. He tries to make me feel bad about me standing up for myself. Nope not working buddy. I’m moving on up like the Jefferson’s lol

[@ruffian-wl1nd]

You should have said "Well you made me this way."

[@Nufellon]

It’s OVER! I’m annoyed that I’m ruminating a bit but I’m feeling safer than negotiating contact with him

[@samia6888]

How are you now?

[@bekind7913]

Actually, it’s scary. Just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[@cindynimmo]

Routinely and chronically being ignored and unimportant to someone I have sacrificed and been devoted to is so sad and quite devastating. I’m sick of all the discarding I’ve experienced. It’s basically dehumanizing

[@juanaatkins777]

After 31 years of marriage, I view him discarding me as a blessing. Thank God he did it as I was a frog in a pot and just kept putting up with all the awful things he did. It was FREEING and gave me a much better life. Once out I discovered he had been cheating on me throughout the marriage. What a wake-up call that was. Yes, like you I sacrificed and gave my all. I even discovered I had cancer a few months after he left me. I am not out of the woods yet healthwise but even if I die at least my remaining years will be happy ones. He actually left me more than a decade earlier and then successfully hoovered me back in. I will NEVER be fooled again.

[@FirstLast-iv2tc]

HA! Yes. I let my narc ex bf into my life again on "my" terms. LOL! Thinking I was in control this time and he had changed after 9 years. Not a bloody chance. He did the exact same crud again. Being dismissive. Hours late. No Christmas gift. No calls after all the love bombing. Freakin' weirdo! The difference was I was not devastated. It was very interesting to see the behavior. I didn't have the word narcissist to put to it then. I'm thankful for these videos. I really felt like I was going insane the first time around the abuse. It's crazy. Literally.

[@new_hampshire]

It’s hard, because the first year everything was normal but after that, I got no Christmas gifts no birthday gifts not even recognition of those days. I wasn’t included in parties that he was invited to with his friends. Meanwhile, he was living in my house.

[@FirstLast-iv2tc]

They are sick freaks! But they start out pretty good. I would ignore red flags, telling myself I needed to work harder to make it work. I needed to not get upset when he'd hurt me. But you can't win. There is no happy ending. Now I know! Sadly, I have pretty severe trust issues now.@@new_hampshire

[@dosmatrix4470]

I actually feel good she hasn't hoovered me. It's been over 3 months and I'm starting to feel ok. Cycling and walking alot has been my go to in times I feel down about the discard.

[@cindyrhodes]

Congratulations!!! You don't have to endure her torture anymore!!!

[@killjoyredux8361]

Mine waited 6 months once...it may come. Remain steadfast and ignore it.

[@patrickbinford590]

Self-compassion is EVERYTHING. ❤️

[@soskika419]

💙

[@keithrodgers1030]

Abandonment is heaven , less drama , less stress , not seen her since March 2023.

[@cherylsibson2529]

I choose to look at the lack of Hovering as a compliment, he knew I was too smart and doing too well in my personal recovery to buy any of his ghosting stories.

[@jilross4892]

When you hit them with the truth they wont hoover I guess

[@kclarke2971]

OMG, It's been 7 years and I still think of him, I remind myself several times a day that I'm glad he's gone, I don't need the self centered, all about me mess.I know whoever he's with now is going through the same crap, and wishes she's "the one".

[@jokendrick2124]

Mine has been gone almost 11 years now. Only now he is RIP in a box in the bedroom until I feel like spreading him over the north 40. The universe was looking out for me.

[@samia6888]

How are you doing now? Do you still think of him?

[@Pandaeyedninja]

I thought it was over, finally. Bam this fella appears out of nowhere.

[@ThedaVonGurkenbeet]

It s the biggest compliment you can get from a narchibald 💃🤸‍♀️👌Be grateful for not being hoovered.🤷‍♀️

[@FindYourFree]

absolutely!

[@pearl_b]

Timely video. I’ve been wondering why I’ve felt sad that a parent I went no contact with wasn’t stalking / hovering anymore after 2 years. That feeling of still wanting to be wanted, or the feeling that I still get to be the one to say “no” . It’s such an odd place to be..

[@Ehuff]

Spot on!

[@Picca65]

Yes, its exactly this for me too. Thanks for giving it words!

[@samia6888]

How are you now?

[@lynneleverton8825]

Not being hoovered is a good thing and it can be incredibly hard to psychologically overcome those feelings of wanting to be hoovered, but standing your ground if it happens will always be the better choice!!! Not being hoovered means they either know they can't mess you around or you aren't going to give them narcissistic supply. Either way its win win!

[@annaisis7510]

I wish he'd just leave me alone 😔 I do good restraining myself from calling him ( most of the time) but when he persists there goes my heart again 💔 ❤

[@yokaineko920]

Exactly 👍🏻

[@mgb7140]

I knew before I left that he would never hoover me. I was right. Being as vicious as he was, he definitely felt he was in control by "rejecting" me back. Was a lovely relief.

[@Mzcrazysexycool1]

I knew my Ex Fiancé definitely wouldn’t Hoover me after we broke up this LAST TIME🙄🙄 he was a control maniac , so I just knew he was not going to Hoover because he wanted control so bad. I will never forget when we broke up he said to me , he will never ever be in another situation where he doesn’t have complete control . Who says that out loud to someone ?? Smdh

[@oatwizard]

I had something similar. I told them everything I realised was just awful towards me, it was emotional. I said I wanted to break up, and they started telling me that they are already nice and they understood everything etc. Month passed, I said that it's really better to break up, and they took the control to end it as if it was their decision to break up. Year passed

[@Lolipop8686]

did het ever contacted you back? mine just disappeared as I never existed and our relationship never mattered@@oatwizard

[@terryhutchings7701]

Coming to realize it is more about me not feeling good enough. It really has nothing to do with him at all. I never ever felt secure in that relationship, why would I want that horrible feeling again. I will continue to work on me and know I deserve so much more than he could ever possibly offer.

[@raniyuna2930]

I think that narcissist play upon our feeling for external validation. They want to be validated by victims but victims wants to be validated by narcissist too. But they do it with different patterns. One is self destructive and second others destructive.😐

[@alessandrasaenz72]

When he dumped me for a new supply I was devastated. However a part of me always knew it was for the best. I was actually relieved he didn't try to hoover me. The more I learn about narcissism, the more I think I was lucky.

[@p.w.352]

I felt relieved, but feel bad for whomever is the new supply.

[@cindyrhodes]

IKR! I feel bad for my "whomever," too, but you know what? WE needed to learn this lesson and maybe the "whomevers" do, too. It didn't kill us. It made us stronger.

[@mnp870]

They always Hoover at first LATER starts the criticisms and verbal abuse.

[@TxHoneyBee]

I was hoovered (and sucked back into the chaos) over and over again. The only thing that made him stop was holding him accountable. I'm not equally yolked with a demonic narcissist, and so I don't want him thinking he can come back. I closed that door. The portal is closed, and the trauma bond has been shattered.

[@a.scribe474]

That's it..hold them accountable.

[@olyooshka]

Happy for you!

[@MaryEavey-dc3sk]

I was married for 37 years to a person with strong narcissistic characteristics. at year 37 I told him that if things did not change at the end of the year I would have a different address. He did nothing. He just watched me go. It kinda hurt my feelings that he didnt "fight for me, so to speak" After I left he made no attempt to get me back. I felt hurt that I wasnt worth the effort, but also glad that he made my decision to leave much clearer and easier. There was no dwelling on whether or not I made the right decision. I didnt have to deal with him making small last ditch token efforts.

[@11GodsGirl11]

100% same. Making no effort to save the marriage was very eye opening. Confirmation that they really just don't care.

[@a.scribe474]

Praise the gods for small mercies. You cannot know how lucky u are. I was hoovered for years on & off till I cottoned on to the charm offensive being just another form of manipulation. Well done you. Stay away!

[@MaryEavey-dc3sk]

@@a.scribe474 I agree with you!

[@imaanhussain5198]

What you may not realise is that it’s going to take them a long time to accept you’ve ACTUALLY gone. The idea you’d never leave is probably so deeply embedded that they’ve convinced themselves you’ll never cope alone…so inevitably you’ll be back. That is how sure they are of YOUR love. Give it time to fully sink in, heal & be happy & that’s when the penny will drop 😂

[@staceypritchett7770]

33 yrs for me. After all that time and all the innuendos "you'll never leave me". When I did, he didn't care or at least never showed me he did 😂

[@bellaluce7088]

I'm so moved by Dr. Ramani's kind heart. Understanding and shame reduction are healing, and I'm so grateful for her wisdom and compassion. ❤😇❤

[@anewlifestirring]

Provocation is a subtle form of hoovering in the hope of sparking new conflicts

[@sylvies5050]

After 12 years, an abrupt and painful separation and no closure, I too wanted to be hoovered. Your videos has helped me come to terms with my reasons for wanting this. Now, I can look at that reality, thank you Dr Ramani.

[@new_hampshire]

Same here. I gave this man a home for 13 years, a roof over his head and good food and thought I had a great relationship with him. We had everything in common and then one day he just up and left for a stupid thing that I said and cut me out of his life completely. It’s been five months now And he doesn’t even care to ask how I’m doing knowing that I’ve been through some other traumatizing things in my life means he could care less about me, and never did love me apparently.

[@sylvies5050]

@@new_hampshire I too came to the conclusion that he couldn't have loved me like I was led to believe. I hear you. The bottom line is that it's not that you're not loveable, it's that he loved himself more.

[@alaia-awakened]

COUNT YOURSELF LUCKY!!!! Thank God my Narc was the abandonment type; I’ve seen the hoovering and stalking and ruining lives others had to deal with. Count your blessings even if you feel hurt now - a clean break is the shorter and easier path.

[@ClairesMyth]

Im not wanting the hoovering, even thinking about them gives me anxiety. I am in hiding so they can't do it.

[@heatherlicious8224]

I’m free from the mental abuse… and the wondering who he’s gonna be each day. Two years of this off and on…. But I do feel the emptiness now and loneliness. I know being with him again would be the worst thing for my health, mind and body!

[@victorious3926]

The narcissist I was with was extremely verbally abusive the relationship was so toxic. I don't care if I ever hear from him again I'm still healing from that mess.

[@leilagomulka5690]

Spot on. Sadly… 😌But your compassion to our plight is astounding. And soothing. Thank you!

[@glizta42]

Recently hoovered after a year of no contact. They texted to say they were very ill. After a lifetime of never showing up for me in any way I didn’t answer. I have no guilt or regret. I’ve developed enough emotional distance to stay away.

[@getnthru]

Dealing with this right now. Stuck between the feeling of realizing how bad things actually were, knowing they wouldn’t have got any better, yet wishing she’d have some sort or epiphany and reach out to apologize and say that she realizes how good I really was. Not being hoovered, further communicates how little they think about you as a person and how you really aren’t enough.

[@spacegirl226]

Right there with you! Exactly. Maybe my ex would realize I wasn't as horrible as he made me out to be. What a waste of energy hoping those things, but you still can't help thinking them.

[@a.scribe474]

My narc ex died

[@SagittariusBabe87]

But, they aren't enough! We had enough and We ARE Enough!

[@joeshabe]

@@a.scribe474 please describe what you feel.

[@oneofthegoodonesok]

Ignore them! My ex blocked me and I'm glad. I actually like being blocked. Less drama and can go and talk to whoever I want to.

[@cc1k435]

I kind of loved the silent treatment for similar reasons, actually. He thought he was punishing me, but mainly it was keeping him from saying a lot more awful things to me, I'm sure. 😂

[@FindYourFree]

I was so relieved to see he blocked me when I went to block him. Thank God!

[@oneofthegoodonesok]

​@@cc1k435hahaha, what a punishment!

[@oneofthegoodonesok]

​​@@cc1k435mine used to get his son to tell him stuff about his own mother, so, screw them. Who do they really think they are? God's gift? Lol.

[@oneofthegoodonesok]

​@@FindYourFreei blocked a guy before he got the chance. Some guys have no clue about a woman let alone their own lives and some throw themselves under the bus without realizing they had opened their mouths before thinking. You see it all of the time. I totally get that some people want a friend to talk to, because I end up being someone's go-to person. I refuse now because I have my own issues that they don't care about to even think that I might need someone to talk to. It's okay though, because I had a hospital appointment just the other day and hopefully my autoimmune disease with It's physical side of things gets sorted out after years of nothing.

[@ericxb]

Just blocked her number earlier today. This will be a process and I’m excited for it. I watched one of my favorite movies last night that came out before I met her. It was transportive and reminded me of who I am. It opened me up to appreciating what we had but moving toward myself again. Your videos are such a good roadmap. Thank you for this one.

[@ladylavender10]

I am not fantasizing about hoovering,or any of the things that came the relationship. I am happy now. I have only my memories. That all I want. I don't need anything from him. I left him. I wish him well.

[@lt827]

The only reason I would want him to try to hoover me is so I could string him along and not reward his hoover.

[@OneAdam12Adam]

I swear Dr. Ramani reads my mind. This is just my mood today.

[@antheaglocer4232]

My ex while going through divorce hoovered me. He wanted to go to counselling, I said no too much water under the bridge. The best thing I did. When going through it, I was taking back my control. Today I am stronger for going through this relationship.

[@lauramcgregor8298]

I just want to feel like I was important to him in some way

[@Sherrilful]

We have all been through that. That's how they keep us in the abuse. Feel proud he now knows you can't be manipulated anymore. You are important that's why he scared to hoover you.

[@lauramcgregor8298]

@Sherrilful thank you for that. He actually has already married again. It was harder on me than I thought, but it is almost easier to move forward now.

[@adamsibenaller4161]

I. CANT. EVEN. BEGIN. TO. DESCRIBE. HOW. THIS. VIDEO. CAPTURES. MY. CURRENT. FEELINGS. I needed this video SO. BADLY. Several things mentioned I’ve been discussing near verbatim with my therapist over the past few weeks/months. I’ve been stuck in a rumination loop, was dumped by a hell of a narcissist who played a very convincing facade for months till the cracks in the wall formed, and I’ve been feeling so guilty for being in this loop. I’ve become so good after years of therapy at protecting myself but he was a new level of narcissist I didn’t see coming at a time in my life when I experienced many great losses, so I was vulnerable and let my guard down. My wise mind knows how selfish and shitty my ex is etc, but my heart space is addicted to this loop and wanting to be hoovered. It’s been over a year but I’m still in the loop. Even though NOTHING good will come from it, I’m still fighting the urges of trying to Hoover my own self in knowing all I’ll do is cause my own trauma. I need to do even deeper work on identifying what wound of mine is triggering my participation in this loop. On an even brighter side, for the first time, I’m noticing I can’t recall certain specifics or details about him/the relationship like I used to. I feel the grasp loosening on me and I’m shedding painful dead weight as I move closer to radical acceptance. I finally feel real genuine progress! Only moving forward from here

[@csfiskus610]

I would often get anxiety when a narcissist tried to hoover me. I wanted nothing to do with them. The last time someone tried to hoover me, I laughed so hard over how pathetic their attempts were. They seem to get worse about it

[@annettglass7290]

I am blessed that he didn't hoover. Too many years of staying with someone that truly doesn't care and lacks self awareness of his toxic behavior.

[@lilamiranda33]

This was my story for ten years. I’m so glad he doesn’t hoover me anymore. I didn’t even live with this person and I was hooked into a hoover/discard cycle for ten years. It’s over now. I finally told him I didn’t want this anymore and it ended it.

[@dawn2707]

Sounds like my story

[@tsktsk2u]

This came at a perfect time. It's been 9 months and just a couple weeks ago I thought was doing great without him, but just in the last few days I felt this intense need for him to reach out to me. To feel wanted I guess. I've had to disract myself from trying to contact him. I am not liking this feeling at all. At least I know I am not the only one who has felt this way afterwards.

[@cc1k435]

Go make a list of all the times he disappointed or hurt you. It's essential for such moments as this. ❤

[@b3mama599]

@@cc1k435Yes! I second making that list. It will truly help support you for when the overwhelming feelings happen. I’m so sorry you’re moving through these difficult feelings now. Make that list- I promise, your truth and perspective will outweigh missing him. It may take time or it may help fairly quickly, either way remember you are not alone and your truth matters the most. It’s the gift of a reality check we can give ourselves. You are worthy. ❤

[@Ehuff]

You’re definitely not the only one :/

[@catherineharcourt8592]

Me same. I write so much stuff 100s of pages. Know 3 months still confounded by my emotions I do burn or cut up. 17 years together but no future I bought van to travel and things l wanted to do am putting motion, he so didn’t want to have future together. But l still have stuff in head l need to deal with and consider l am normal

[@sandracaezza7234]

Thank you for this video. I get it, I discarded him, 8months now. Divorce signed. Not a day goes by that I miss being dismissed. It’s a brave new world. I do ruminate at times, but always go back to the “ less than” feeling and it perks me right into a more positive mind set. Living a lie will never be for me,that’s his life. Finding gratitude in my life now is most affirming. At 72 yrs young and 24 yrs to a narc/addict my life can only improve. Thanks to all your information Dr.R.

[@blee9304]

Since the survivors were constantly being devalued, the self esteem, self worth are all out of the window. Not being hoovered might trigger the sense of feeling inadequate. "Am i not good enough for being hoovered like others?"

[@wildhorses6817]

And, being hoovered by a Damaged, Disturbed part human creature is also a danger , not Safe, not pleasant. Being at Peace is a Blessing. Health improves, body and mind recover

[@Rokinevythng14]

@@wildhorses6817yeah. Exactly.

[@vanessaroediger4829]

It’s the part that tries to reason with the narcissist on our own level and says “Please give me a sign I meant anything more to you than the function I performed. Also, because I am kind of scared who I will have to come to terms with sleeping next for x amount of time, if you don’t.” Side note: The biggest compliment and mile marker location pin drop in your recovery journey you can ever get. No hoovering = you’re quality level of supply is not up to standard anymore. Also equates to You have done some inner work into the right direction. Has a comorbidity of not putting up with a, b, and c from anyone else in the future, either. I am writing 34 seconds into the video, in case you are about to touch on that in a moment. Thank you for your continued work and content, Dr. Ramani. All your themes are on mark when it comes to relevancy and serve as a guide in the chaos, fog, and confusion. Primarily so, I found, in aiding to un-gaslight yourself and validating that one is seeing the abuse correctly, yet also in those moments in which one identifies what’s happening (manipulation, isolation, financial dependence) but has no idea how to stop the wheel from turning and what to do next. It is crucial and kept me from falling into deep despair of horror. It’s also a gift that keeps on giving. There will someone else in your shoes, maybe not quite as far along in the journey of creating that emotional or physical, hopefully eventually both, distance. We can never do it for them, but being further down the journey allows us to give them our hand and walk with them. Be their eyes whenever they cant see, going to a deeper level understanding, beyond the often heard and superficial “Oh well, I don’t know why she doesn’t just leave” Just knowing that someone is looking out for you and doesn’t go anywhere, perhaps provides some educational information on what is what, makes a world of a difference. Because there are some dark, dark characters out there, beyond the scope of your entitled, perpetual victim-narcissist (to include members of my own family of origin). Those, who take any push back from their victims as a personal insult to their omnipotence and will give you a glimpse of the endless abyss of their cruelty and callousness to put you back in line. Thus said, knowing what you now cannot un-know and seeing what you cannot un-see, it will make you a Hoover project with a negative Return of Investment. And that, that is a place we come to because we are not alone in this anymore. Thank you, Dr. Ramani❤️

[@cc1k435]

That's what I think, too. He's not sniffing around means I'm of no further use to him, and thank God for that. ❤

[@JordiUstrell]

This is such a validating episode for so many people who are sitting there and wondering if the hoovering is going to take place. In my case, the first time I was hoovered the whole loop started again. The second time, I had more confidence to step aside... But it's much later, years later, that it feels gratifying... In the moment, it felt painful to turn them down...

[@jameegrace4918]

My covert narc ex husband is pouting because I told him there was no reason for him to be here and he needed to stay at his house. He's waiting for me to need him. I'm working hard at getting very independent so that I won't need him for anything. The only thing I need him to do is stay the F away from me so I can work on recovering. He didn't really want me the entire 31 years we were married so trying to get me back or even be my friend after that level of deception is a joke. No thanks.

[@sherriflemming3218]

No contact is empowerment.. Its a relief when theyee gone. Choose peace and atability over chaos.

[@nolalawrence2457]

Utter relief. I have fully accepted that 40 years of my life were lived in my head. Nothing was real, he lied about why we were together. I was led to believe that i am incapable of happiness and i believed that hogwash. I went online to try to find out what makes me that way and get help for myself. I found you Dr Ramani. Thank you

[@elcee7800]

To me, all those things are immaterial. It is all about the message of worthlessness, not love, given to me with his discard after 38 yrs.

[@KINGPOOPS]

As a narcissist I love watching your videos. Tell me more about myself.

[@nicoleabrokwah5940]

Looool love the self awareness!

[@EmmaP969]

Be thankful, hoovering only makes you question if there is hope for the future ... there never is. My ex of 5 months has been hoovering ever few weeks and it only makes the pain harder. The longer he stays away the healthier I am

[@Nufellon]

I had already hugely minimized contact and have a busy, full life. The rumination will lessen over time. It already has.

[@FindYourFree]

feels great! i was so stern with the initial hoover that he flitted off. thank god!

[@lora9262]

I watched him discard his ex and move on to me so quickly. It felt intoxicating that he chose me like that. After three years, I’m the one being discarded and he is already not only dating - but living with - someone new. I feel gutted. We broke up and got back together so many times and I just figured we would do so again. Dr.Ramani just spoke like she was reading my mind and this feels equal parts relieving and so freaking sad.

[@MeCynthiaAnn]

Thank you dear one for your videos. We share them. God bless you always. From JANESVILLE, WI

[@stephanieorme2950]

2 weeks ago after silencing me for a year he tried to hoover me for the 5th time. All I felt was annoyment about his brutality and rejected him instantly. Now I realize that I'm finally healed.🙏

[@judithargitay9860]

Yes, I have gone through that feeling, too, what helped me out is saying to myself: "Okay, I want to be hoovered....by a NORMAL guy finally, not that sick monster!" Interperation is powerful. :)

[@amberinthemist7912]

My narc sister still tries to hoover me. She's ramping up because she's found out I'm moving. All it does is add stress to an already stressful time. I'll always live in fear of her getting my new address and starting up again. Hoovering isn't proof of your value or the narcs love for you. It's proof that the narc still thinks you're dumb enough to fall for their bs.

[@lynChip29]

My narc sister has sat back and allowed me to nearly break myself caring for our Mother without lifting a finger or even visiting. I gave up my life to care for her, and guess what? She's now served papers on me accusing me of stealing her money!! I'm now having to prove my innocence to the most malevolent of narcissistic sisters. She's gone full on victim and her kids are all over her (there's money coming, they're as narcissistic as she is). I can never forgive her after this. The year when I should be grieving for my Mum has been taken up with defending myself against this pernicious creature and her family. I haven't been hoovered yet, but I'm sure it'll come.

[@denisem4575]

“it’s proof that the narc still thinks you’re dumb enough to fall for their bs”. EXACTLY!! I’d add its also when they realize that they no longer have control over you that they thought they had. My radical acceptance is that I never had a mother, father, & siblings that I should’ve had. That’s not my fault & no matter how much I tried it’s never going to happen. Done living on a one way street. The plight of the “scapegoat “ child in a toxic family system. I still get sad but a lot less anxious now that I’ve moved on with out people that were never going to go out of their way to be there for me. I’ve stopped the insanity that I was living ( definition of insanity : doing the same things over & over & expecting a different result). They will NEVER change but I sure can.

[@yankeerebel5577]

My narc sibling did a similar thing to me. I sacrificed 3 or 4 years to take care of my elderly parents and their affairs with no help from my brother. After my parents passed away, he had the gall to accuse me of stealing from them and threatened to take me to court and tried to intimidate me. That was the last straw for me. I've since gone low to no contact with him and I don't regret it.

[@lynChip29]

@yankeerebel5577 It sucks doesn't it when you've sacrificed everything & they just sit back waiting for the pickings? I will never have contact with my sister again now. She's stepped way over the line this time. I'm sure there'll be a hoovering attempt once everything is settled, but she'll get nothing from me. Stay strong, we're not alone in this x

[@sandywright7554]

Emotional Control and say NO and SHUT him DOWN.... this would be pure satisfaction!!!!

[@ardent9422]

The narcissists I knew don't hoover, they went thermonuclear on me so there's no coming back from that, they know I wouldn't be so stupid as to accept them back. The one female narcissist I dated did an indirect hoover by sending out a party invitation to all of her email contacts, which included me, but I didn't respond. I'm glad that I don't check their social media, and have no interest in what any of them are doing, I did have a massive rush of nostaligic feelings a few weeks ago and looked at old pictures I have buried on a hard drive, but I resist checking up on her. My life hasn't really improved but there's always the possibility that it still can, that is if I can ever escape my narcissistic family with any youth left.

[@annaisis7510]

Oh man yes I feel what you mean

[@spacegirl226]

That last sentence is my situation too. I feel like I will never get free of the narcs who surround me. I understand your sentiment completely.

[@Dietrich141]

The best and most necessary explanation a victim of narcissism has to listen to after the breakup. Thank you!

[@Xiporah]

It's really scary at first. I kept expecting "The other shoe to drop"so to speak. Being hoovered back in so many times left me very unbalanced. I've always waited for her to reach out first after a silent cycle where we didn't speak. By the end of the friendship, I realized how peaceful my life was and how much fun I was having with my other friends while she wasn't talking to me. So when she started talking to me again, and almost immediately went into her current drama after pulling me in with an offer to give me a small gift, it just gave me anxiety. I stopped responding and the next day she blocked me. It's been a relief, but as I said before it was scary at first. I kept waiting for that blow up, but 5 years later it has never happened. I am at peace without "settling" anything or defending myself. I have had so many healthy friendships blossom since then and I am grateful for them.

[@badnelly7819]

Thankyou so much for these videos Dr Ramani. I was entangled in a ten year on and off toxic relationship with a person I now realise was probably a narcissist. I thought I'd dealt with abuse before but this was a different monster and watching the first video of your was my moment of ok...there's something I'm connecting with here this is how I feel,there's other people going through this too. And with more knowledge and more understanding I've found that freedom from him and I never thought I ever would. Thankyou so much for doing these videos, I started therapy this year something I never thought about before. Blessings Dr Ramani ✨

[@pamelalimache]

I had hovering it was horrible 😢but, now since it stop I feel great 👍 I am hope his new supply is now happy with him! My narcissist didn't discard me I discarded him!

[@susanw7924]

I finally told him to leave me alone when things were falling apart. After 3 hoovers. My biggest fear is that he’ll be a much better person with the next one, because she will be younger, prettier, etc. and because of what he’s learned from his relationship with me.

[@QX-xq5uj]

Although I was the one that left this time for ever, I have to admit, that I was hoovered back multiple times in the last years. At least 4 that I can remember clearly with huge promises that never become true🤦🏽‍♀️. Sometimes I'm doing well and I feel relieved that the universe doesn't seem upside down anymore, but you are right dear Dr.Ramani, sometimes I catch myself ruminating and it doesn't feel good. I guess I just loved him so much that I'm still grieving because I wanted to believe in his nice and charming traits and doubtet about myself! Your book "Should I leave or should I stay" helped me very much 🙏🏻⚘ and I hope that it will be fine now that he stopped hoovering me.

[@almag0410]

Dr. Ramani ❤ thank you for being my mother in psychology. I am opening up to the idea of having multiple women around me for support since my mom is practically not emotionally existent.

[@a.scribe474]

So sad. She will hopefully regret that later.

[@TedBouskill]

After the 3rd discard, I realized I had been in a narcissistic relationship. Our therapist missed it (and won't admit she was wrong), so knowing my ex could hoover again, I purposely burned the bridges to the point that I know she will never hoover me again. Likely will never regret discarding me, either. I'll admit, I've fantasized about the hoover to purposely ghost her. I'd leave read receipts on my text messages but never respond. I'd want her to know she contacted me, but I rejected her. Two months into the 2-year on/off relationship, I sensed something was wrong but didn't know about covert narcissism. Friends AND my therapist told me to give it more time, and I stayed instead of leaving as my gut told me. I regret that now. So being hoovered, then rejecting her, would give me closure. I know she won't; however, it helps me to think about to set in my mind that the relationship should never have been, and I know that.

[@cheryljohnson4742]

You want revenge. Just forgive her and move on. Better for your soul. God bless.

[@cc1k435]

Revenge WON'T give you closure, because the feeling will only be temporary. Sorry to be the one to tell you, but it would be back regardless. Sounds like she finally just got smart about how this relationship is going nowhere.

[@amandadayca]

I really sympathize with this. My gut was telling me I needed to run from the guy I was seeing, but because I have anxiety and past trauma, my therapist convinced me I should try to work through it. It really messed with my head. Finally had to tell my therapist he was wrong. Sometimes they focus so much on the positive reframing they keep you in a relationship longer than you should. And at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if it's all in your head or not. If something doesn't feel right in your gut, get out.

[@TedBouskill]

@@cc1k435 I don't think it's revenge. I feel you are projecting your feelings on me.

[@TedBouskill]

@@cheryljohnson4742 You are labelling my feelings. Revenge would be hurting her as bad as she hurt me. That's impossible. Narcissists can't be damaged in the same way because they don't love.

[@laceydillard2178]

You know Dr Ramani I advocate for people to come to your YT on all platforms. You have truly helped me! ❤

[@shaund9759]

I signed up for your healing course last week and OMG it's AMAZING!!! I can't wait for the live Zoom and to be a part of the community forums. Seriously it's already been life-changing!! It's hard to afford good therapy especially when narcissistic abuse is in play. I've been following your youtube channel for a few years and that has been tremendously helpful, but I've been blown away with the healing course so far. This should be a mandatory HS course to educate everyone on the signs and tools to help navigate NA. Thank you for this community.

[@nikkinorton8310]

I don't relate to this feeling. I was stalked, so I don't get this one. I served 17 years with a narcissist parent, then I served 21 years with a narcissist husband. When I was done, I was done with all of it.

[@lusciousluscious668]

This is the last video I’ve been watching Dr.Ramani daily & thank you for helping me recognize what I was going through. I feel bad for these people a lot of them will be like this for the rest of their lives

[@Twinkie989]

I think he knows he cannot hoover me and he will he emasculated by my rejection.

[@darcyroyce]

I can only speak about my own experience - when I left, I was still emotionally engaged, however, in the following 3 years I had enough re-building work on my hands, and some therapy as well, that I think I've healed and moved on, mostly. What I found is that my inner peace can deffo be disturbed when I hear that he wants to ''come back'' and ''have a talk'' about ''reconciliation''. I genuinely don't want anything to do with him or his friends, or anyone from that period of my life. It took me so long, and such a focused effort to become this stable and peaceful, I cannot think of a more stressful or irritating thought than re-connecting with this individual. I don't want to. However, and maybe this will help others, what I've noticed is that the people helping him are trying to pass on this message maybe even because they know it stresses me out. So, watch out, the narcissistic person might get a high just knowing that you're stressing about a possible hoovering.

[@SY-wi5fb]

a sign of my healing - I am now feeling grateful that I am not being hoovered!

[@angelahart1479]

Dr Ramani. Thanks so much. This video is so helpful and relevant for me. My ex narc dumped me 12 months ago. Silence since. No hoover. I waited and waited for her to come back to me. I want her back because I love her and my heart is broken. The intelligent side of me is trying to tell me that's its a win if they don't come back. It hurts so bloody much. I'm so tired and drained. I don't know if she has hooked up with another either.😢

[@Julienna]

I have not been hoovered by my narcissists. Not by my two N exboyfriends, nor my N parents and my N golden child sister after I went NC. It broke my heart to feel this worthless in their eyes. 2 and half years of NC and nobody has reached out yet. Not even other family members. :-( Nobody cares. Nobody misses me. There were no conflicts with other family members, so it is hard to understand. To be honest, though. Only the golden children in my family are actually in a center of the interest. All other children moved far ever and they are barely in touch with their parents. I am one of them. It hurts.

[@AmziAsher]

Dr. Ramani you save lives with your Cluster B content. WE so appreciate YOU!

[@jokendrick2124]

I feel so lucky to have gotten to the point of not caring and enjoying the peace, quiet and contentment of not engaging or interacting. I have some really good long time friends that have replaced my narcissistic sisters. I've moved on. As we speak, both sisters are trying to draw me back in. Not happening. No way. I can live without their type of love.

[@kimberleeskave]

this is so good. i feel like shame has been one of my biggest blocks in being able to manifest my dream life because of the abusers in my life and their very very rude comments, remarks, or even lack of action. now that im aware of this, my hope is to being able to not take it personally and heal any wounds that revolves around this because i want to LIVE not just be alive with no aspirations and adventure in my life

[@trueheART.CVStone369]

Ohhh I don’t want to ever feel that way again!

[@EMuro-wu7uy]

I feel better that I wasn't hoovered. Because honestly it's so much better. There are better things to do with my time.

[@Siobhan126]

I fell for the Hoover once and then he completely discarded me once I started questioning his honesty. After that, I found out he was lying more than I feared. He is a horrible person, but I still feel bad. It doesn’t really hurt as much as it used to, but it still stings. Ten people have contacted me about the horrible things he did to them. He needs to be stopped, but I doubt he ever will.