Why modern women are so anxious and how to heal it - An attachment specialist's response

[@kerrymillar1267]

I had tears watching this video, saying this guy gets it, he really gets it. Feeling abandoned as a woman is literally terrifying.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I’m glad this resonated with you, but I’m sorry it hit so hard. Most of the women in my Attachment Circle community tell me they experience exactly the same and that’s what led them to join the group in the first place. Life does not seem to be getting easier for people who are staying isolated. Do you have people you can connect with in your local life? Have you started solving this problem yet?

[@kerrymillar1267]

@@AttachmentAdam I do have people I can connect with. My issue has always been with male partnerships. Very painful and bringing up children on my own. I don’t think I have a secure attachment style. Thank you for sharing this information.

[@AttachmentAdam]

In that case, beginning with repairing your attachment is crucial. I am so sorry you're going through this without a loving partner by your side. Let me know how I can help with fixing the attachment so you and your children can build the best family together for your future.

[@kerrymillar1267]

@@AttachmentAdam I do really need to address this now I know why I struggle in relationships so much. I’ve ordered your book, is this a good place to start?

[@lovisa4106]

This video really hit home for me... I too am an only child with aging divorced parents and scattered family with weak connections and this is something I've been worrying about for as long as I can remember... thank you for putting this on the internet and giving us a way to cope with our anxieties!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad to be of help. 👍

[@pandatheman]

Thank you for this video. The idea that we have hunter-gatherer brains that aren't suited towards modern day society is such an important concept and I'm glad more and more people are exploring it.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Definitely. What made you interested in it?

[@ariah5093]

Bruh just spoke my life

[@AttachmentAdam]

Which part stuck with you?

[@ariah5093]

I’m 21, no friends, fully online student, etc. What you said about being scared of being authentic with other people bc they won’t love you, that describes me exactly. I’ve developed extreme social anxiety and I decided it’s best to survive that pain by hiding and avoid all people. I would rather be alone and avoid the pain of being around people then having people (which I desperately want). I want friends and a family but my wiring is self sabotaging me so I hide. I found your channel on accident while doing research for an essay I’m writing on my dad who is a veteran. Really nice videos.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I’m glad it resonated with you, but I’m also sorry to hear it resonated with you. The good news is you’re not alone. A ton of people face the same struggles. And there’s a way to fix it for good. My earlier videos describing Attachment might be helpful to you, especially my second video “What Is Attachment?”

[@Tigerhood11]

It also has to do with hormonal birth control. It negatively affects the mental health of nearly any woman who takes it. And there is A LOT of women out there taking hormones in whatever form

[@AttachmentAdam]

Good observation.

[@ZeeGrace999]

Oh my gosh. This is EXTREMELY helpful.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Which part?

[@liit4m8]

@@AttachmentAdam, I can't say for ZeeGee, but for me, it's understanding that this structure would be a setup that would cause anxiety. If I can understand it, I can tackle it way more directly. Thank you!

[@wanderingskyewarrior2714]

This is so impactful! I've been telling people over and over that we're missing communities. Instinctively leaning into that without fully understanding why. I kept feeling that somehow it would fix many of the problems that exist in the world. Watching this video compounds that, and helps me see that it's my brain trying to address my own anxiety. WOW. Thank you so much for sharing this! I'm going to share this with my sisters and many young women I know that are feeling so desperate right now. You are a gentleman and a scholar Adam!!!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Communities are crucial to our biology.

[@monikaleszko5343]

I can’t believe you only have 38 thousand followers. I send your videos to my gfs 🎉

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for spreading awareness. Which videos have been the most helpful by far?

[@monikaleszko5343]

The attachment ones! can you do a video on healthy dating time lines ( meet the family , meet the kids, move in together , etc )

[@thomasglover92]

Awesome eye-opening video as always Adam 🤝

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you. What stood out to you the most?

[@thomasglover92]

@@AttachmentAdamI just realised suddenly how many people I can recognise are currently dealing with this. Is it significantly less of an issue for men?

[@kanyinojo83]

This is my favorite KZbin video.

[@AttachmentAdam]

So glad to hear that! What resonated with you the most?

[@kanyinojo83]

@@AttachmentAdam I definitely suffer from anxiety and have my whole life. It manifests as overachieving and perfectionism (being the oldest daughter doesn’t help.) Growing up, the ideal vision of success was always depicted as complete independence: having your own home, having your own car, being fully self-sufficient and not needing anyone else. To some extent, I aligned my life with this worldview. But for the last two years I have been dating someone who has shown me that interdependence is really the goal. He was a lone wolf for much of his life, like I understood myself to be, but for the last year, we have both been remarking at how our lives are so much better together than individually. He says having someone in his life spurs his urge to provide and for me, your insight was spot on: as a woman, I need to feel useful to the people I love. No amount of professional success (not finishing my 3rd degree, not accomplishing my childhood dreams, not solo traveling around Europe) is as fulfilling as making nice meals for us to share and taking care of our home. I know it sounds like very antifeminist take but I really think that for a woman, the ability to sustain network of healthy relationships is a much bigger flex than any title, accolade or recognition she can receive in her career.

[@jackiebraun5479]

Nailed it ❤

[@michaelshelbyedwards]

okay ten seconds in and I can relate!

[@AttachmentAdam]

This topic is super relatable for a lot of people, even if they don't realize it at the start. Is this the first time you're learning about these layers of anxiety issues?

[@AnonymousAssassin7]

Doc, how do I learn what you've learned? I want to go deep into this field.

[@katelandsmith3760]

My brain when I feel lonely: This sucks, but I've totally earned it. As well as being mad at some people. Lol "Bright" idea: Hey God, you're lonely(4th saying from the cross), let me feel that way. Ah, hey Mary, you feel sad, wow, let me feel that sad. Hey, if I fix my life, I'm going to live s vow of celibacy and stay alone. I pray for the dumbest things. Mostly for self loathing and just being convinced I'll just screw things up again if I'm around people, but people are also bad influences often, and the Church is the only thing that keeps me semi-sane. Problem, is Jesus, Mary, and the Saints are not there in the same way, so I still want to be around people, then do crap to keep them around at cost to the other. It's like a see-saw. Keeping a "village" seems more dangerous than helpful, to me. So I avoid everyone, then totally go to the other extreme. I hate it so much. Now I feel sort of stuck - *dumb prayers* - like I'm not really allowed to like anyone. *really dumb prayers*

[@AttachmentAdam]

Right now, with your current process, being around too many people could feel overwhelming. Starting with one person in your life who can accept you may be the best approach to begin.

[@apriljoixrush]

I like hearing you talk

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you.

[@maxsteven2659]

I can relate my parents were always breaking up as kid

[@AttachmentAdam]

Yeah that doesn’t work so well for attachment.

[@enloveyduvey001]

Great video

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks.

[@shawntco]

Would you recommend the "build a village" approach to men as well, if they tend to be the anxious type too?

[@AttachmentAdam]

I recommend fixing attachment first.

[@kerrymillar1267]

@@AttachmentAdam how do you fix attachment?

[@david9920]

Your comment about tribe and village I something that I have felt for a long time to the point of dreaming of a tiney house community solar self driving car 🚗 to be shared and community center with activity to keep the village connected shuch as food 🥑 production shared lesure tim🎉e and a community vishen to fight things like climate change raise our children to be more self reliance coneted to community and rebuild menney of the network destroy by our privuse generation's technology is at a point that it's very doable thank you you have added a new talking point to my thoughts secure attachment and the growth 📈 that comes with it. PS I practice a epicurean philosophy that places importance of friends and not materialism

[@AttachmentAdam]

This is awesome, and yes, shedding the obsession with materialism and focusing on relationships can be such a huge part of this puzzle. The people in my Attachment Circle coaching community are always working on refining their lives to be more in-line with the relationships they want. Do you have a community yet that supports you? Or are you doing this alone so far?

[@david9920]

We are a small band of brothers and sisters so far mostly keeping our dreams of a epicurean community alive strange how a philosophy that is over 2000 years old is More relevant today than eney time in history. I incurege people we selobrat ekis on the 20 of each month and connect when we can to foster friends and talk of skills to work on to further or goles. The young generation I talk to have very open minded and and optimistic out look and truly understand the value of the epicurean and personal level of connect to one another again as people and without it being cult and work for a ways forward ⏩ without the corporate control of community the village concept of doing as much in place such as energy food 🥝 even using robotic method small will become beautiful again like ebike and doing things out of caring for each other instead greed or lust thanks for responding 💗

[@oambitiousone7100]

I recommend reconsidering religion if you’ve left it, and joining a church.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Agreed.

[@PKpanzerkrieger]

I rather follow my own principes then obeying a sect

[@our.secret1130]

Depressing

[@AttachmentAdam]

In what way?

[@our.secret1130]

@@AttachmentAdam I just feel for girls these days. I’m 23 year old girl, and despite being attractive and successful attracting guys, I’m still single and super lonely. Im dating but no good guys. They all want hookups. I ache for the support of a tribe or community, but even having friends and a good relationship with my own father, I still experience a sense of fundamental isolation in the world. This drives me to pursue financial self sufficiency rather than motherhood and associated inclinations. How can I focus on creating a family when I have no tribal network to fall back on? The need for independence has resulted in the suppression of my more feminine nature. I am building two businesses now while attending graduate school, and thankfully I can support myself and my lonely existence.

[@our.secret1130]

@@AttachmentAdam thank you for your content :) you are a healing voice in the world

[@our.secret1130]

@@AttachmentAdam I am still living in my home town and I regularly visit my parents, I have friends and a modest social network. Yet still, it is not the same as a village, perhaps what I am missing is the support of an intimate male partner.

[@PKpanzerkrieger]

​@@our.secret1130I am happy to read this to know I am not the only one with this problem. I just got 25 y as a man and also struggle finding someone fitting to me ...

[@stevederoeck4025]

I like your vieuw more then the one from Jordan Peterson.more sense

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you, I appreciate that

[@Solaris501]

Women thought a career would make them happy when most jobs are miserable.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Corporate jobs are not meant to fulfill the worker or their needs.

[@PKpanzerkrieger]

​@@AttachmentAdamTHIS is depressing to hear because a job is supposed to make happy

[@hspinnovators5516]

It was brainwashed and planned, not something women consciously chose. Our father's wanted us safe

[@teresam.6684]

sorry but making children to fix your anxiety seems a terrible advice to me

[@AttachmentAdam]

That wasn’t the point, but thanks for watching.

[@teresam.6684]

@@AttachmentAdam In general I liked that video though, I'm glad I've discovered that channel

[@YSLRD]

Do friends have to be human? Lol. Look around. Many people solve the issue with pets.

[@AttachmentAdam]

This is not a solution.

[@PKpanzerkrieger]

​@@AttachmentAdamI agree.