Why most RELATIONSHIPS DON'T LAST, or: why we break our own hearts

[@psychacks]

Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated program and the world's only empirically-validated GRE test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. If you're having trouble keeping a promising relationship past the six-month mark, then this episode is for you. The truth is that most relationships don't last, and the primary reason why they don't is something that I call the "crisis of disillusionment." Almost all relationships are built upon an initial foundation of projected fantasy. Over time, disconfirming evidence to the contrary accumulates and the fantasy eventually is unable to withstand the assault of reality: this is the crisis of disillusionment. It's inevitable, and it's really when the relationship begins -- if it ever does. Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California. Podcast available of Spotify, Instagram, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts and others. See the "About" tab for more information on donations and consultations. Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com #dating #relationship #datingadvice

[@42BETWO]

The hardest person to break up with is the one we imagine.

[@RoyceRippere]

Before engaging, we both have to divorce our own fantasy so that we can embrace reality. Otherwise we are unfairly comparing each other to a fantasy we have cultivated long before meeting; We cheat on each other with our expectations of them.

[@loosegoose2466]

Ouch.....😢😢...true. well said.

[@andrewmair7371]

🤔 Interesting comment - 😐

[@JohnM...]

@@andrewmair7371don’t knock it - I’ve had many imaginary girlfriends 😝

[@khomaristyles]

AYO STOP PREACHINGGGG😭😭😭

[@mastrbastrd]

Mark Twain said "It is our imagination that is responsible for love, not the other person"

[@discorabbit]

Yes!! Note that it was French philosopher Marcel Proust for that quote though.

[@PalettePrincess97]

Facts why I don’t care for it lol

[@davidthomspson9771]

We break our own hearts far worse than any others..because we allow assumptions to control our lives

[@alexsedlak01]

This is facts

[@Antagonopolis]

Indeed... /watch?v=7rr88Szc5q0

[@derekcable]

👍💯

[@YellowKing1986]

Some assumptions are harmful, some are helpful. I would switch the word "assumptions" for "delusions".

[@kengaroo5170]

People are selfish and hormonal. Not much room for love.

[@YellowKing1986]

People treat love as junkie treats the drug. Chasing the hit, and if it doesn't work anymore, they want to find another drug that will give em that hit.

[@TheSpecialJ11]

The problem is people have way too high of expectations for others and not high enough expectations for themselves. If you can't love someone with flaws, then clearly you're not cut out for love.

[@D-A-N-]

Yes every humans has flaws

[@silverlining6259]

Or relationships,based on respect and maturity.

[@Kitiwake]

People can adapt. That's why humans have survived

[@charlottepeukert9095]

Not to forget that their significant other has no idea what these expectations are. If he or she would know, and given the return they'd get) they would probably go running for the hills. Another point is that I feel I can't speak about my relationship any more. As soon as I say that it's not picture- perfect ( in hollywood-style) people start asking me why I don't get counselling or a divorce. Which is nuts. I'm happy with my spouse. I'm not happy with the expetations that are placed on relationships today. And I hate it when people give unwanted advice, behaving as if they were an expert.😒

[@markflierl1624]

Good point!

[@Mr.Sheep.The_Wise]

To be lasting, a relationship needs much more than love. It needs dialogue, daily nourishment of emotional connections, quality time, respect, mercy to forgive and humility to admit when you make mistakes

[@idlehourlinda6476]

Yes. The diamond is so beautiful to the naked eye. The trick is to remain enamoured even after you loop it and it's inherent flaws are revealed. If you can overlook these flaws, even with time begin to see them as what makes your stone uniquely beautiful, that's when you've found the one.

[@psychacks]

That's true. Those "flaws" become its "distinctions." Love reveals the inherent perfection in things.

[@NikkiPons-s6i]

"Commitment is the will of the mind to finish what the heart has started, long after the mood is gone in which the original promise was made" (Unknown)

[@realbigmanoncampus]

IMO, selfishness is the reason relationships don't last. People are unable to pass this 'crisis of disillusionment' because of selfishness. No one can live up to the fantasy in another person's head. We are living in a society that celebrates selfishness, perpetuates selfishness ... what can we expect when society is completely geared towards immediate sense gratification.

[@DaveE99]

Oddly america is individualist because we harvested wheat and Asia collectivist because harvesting rice is a team sport not an individual one. Life be odd like that and how it even shows up in genes. And I’ve also no longer believe in hipocracy. Everything fits together nicley if you know the actual game being played.

[@Imyourhuckle6erry]

Very well put.

[@brianmeen2158]

Yes and we have many people out there today that grew up on Disney selling them fantasies . No one can live up to that ideal . Seems both genders are mostly looking at what they can gain from the other - it becomes a game of sorts. That zaps all the fun out of being in a relationship

[@realbigmanoncampus]

@@brianmeen2158 Yes, both genders are trying to exploit the other in such relationships. Happiness cannot be derived from relationships based on selfishness and exploitation at their core.

[@theway3031]

Absolutely especially women men to destruction of the nuclear family or I’d like to say the Christian family has been so decimated in our culture for the last 30 years there won’t be married soon. And then you’re gonna have a population collapse like Japan

[@KJ-pu8dw]

Relationships dont last because feelings are fickle. So peoples notions of 'love' are fickle.

[@willemvanriet7160]

I solved this by be hyper aware at the start and not allowing any projections. Just focus on seeing the person for who they really are

[@roses6564]

People know, intuitively, but they settle because they have no better choice and time is ticking.

[@donfranklin6956]

Whew. I knew my girlfriend for 8 months before I married her. Those extra 2 months have turned into 27+ years. But what he says seems right: everything that happens prior to disillusionment with one's partner is merely the prelude to the real relationship.

[@Kitiwake]

I knew my girlfriend 8 months before I kissed her. It was wow😍

[@chimpanzeeenjoyer4667]

@@Kitiwake I knew mine for 4 months before I kissed her, known her total for 8 months, dated for 5 and we say its already like we're married. We're high school sweethearts, and we both wanna be together forever. We have discussed kids, jobs, budgeting in the future, living together, buying a house, hobbies, friends. We've set boundaries with eachother, discussed our particular roles in the relationship. We have both grown with eachother in 5 months more than we individually have in years, I feel like I have become a real man and she is blossoming into a great woman. We have both quit bad habits and started good ones. We are able to have honest discussions about our flaws with humility, and although we have light hearted arguements which almost always end in laughter, we never have legitimate personal arguements about anything. We have both established that we are willing to make many sacrifices to make this work and we have also both become more dedicated to work and school. I have been careful to make sure we both spend time individually with friends and doing hobbies to make sure we are still individuals at the end of the day. I don't know if I'm just young and naieve, but I really feel like I am going to spend the rest of my life with her and I feel that I have passed the disillusionment stage, that I see her as a person with flaws but I love her regardless of them. We always talk about how good of a life we are gonna live but then say how its already great.

[@Mr_Goodall_CD]

The biggest killer of romantic love is familiarity

[@lorrilewis2178]

"Romantic" love isn't love though.

[@chimpanzeeenjoyer4667]

just make sure to spend some time doing individual hobbies/activities/spending time with friends, and every day have a time where you both "reunite" or reconnect.

[@SeanSean-jp9hg]

@@chimpanzeeenjoyer4667 should you see a partner daily

[@drakullaGjakpirsi]

familiarity breeds contempt

[@robertadcox8419]

You hit this one on the head. So true. If the beginning was superficial so will be the reasons for the breakup. Relationships never grow until there is a conflict of some sort and how each one of you handles it. Everybody wants to be treated to a nice meal and a great event but to deal with a bad moment and resolve together is bliss.

[@marscaleb]

"If the beginning was superficial so will be the reasons for the breakup." I'm gonna make a point to remember that line.

[@LarryWilliamsArtist]

Conflict; even when successfully resolved- is never bliss. It's still conflict. Avoid it all together.

[@marriagecausesdivorce7540]

This reminds me of an Alain de Botton lecture on the psychology/philosophy of love. A lot of people don't know how to love. People love too optimistically and expect everyday to be perfect. When, in reality, things like love and marriage will often mean a lot of sadness as the person you fall in love with will never be as perfect as you wished they were. It is interesting that a lot of people are good enough to marry, buy a house with and have kids with, but are not good enough to prevent divorce proceedings. In situations like this, what were really the motivations of the marriage in the first place?

[@roccocarlino067]

You kinda answered your question, by nature humans are takers or only give with conditions. A divorce is a means to take not to give.

[@allesdurchprobiert]

IMHO the main reason why people get married and have children without thinking enough about it, is social peer pressure, and the strong urge of normies to be as normal as possible. It's 2023 and every minority is so super duper tolerated, but if you are in your 30s and tell people you don't even plan to get married and/or have children they act as if there's something fundamentally wrong with you. So much for being a free person in a free country where you can freely do whatever you want as long as you don't harm anyone. 😂 Your only freedom is to follow the herd. If what you want is coincidentally what most people want, you're free to do so. If not, then society will teach you the limits of your freedom.

[@roses6564]

Who says everyone "fell in love" with their spouse before they got married? Most don't marry "in love." They are in pragmatics, in social optics, in fertility pressures...you name it. But not in love.

[@Bella-Mae0422]

Damn, this is sad. Been with my boyfriend for 9 years now and we just jad our first child together a little over a year ago, i really see my soulmate, my best friend, we almost instantly connected the moment we met, we really are inseparable but i wont deny that we been through A LOT together, many things that most couples today break up over but we never gave up on each other. Relationships aren't always going to be easy going and happy, there will come with pain and dark phases as well and that will be the real test if your love is strong enough to get past it and only become stronger. People are alone now bc they want that perfect relationship that doesn't exist.

[@jason_v12345]

Usually one partner believes the relationship is going perfectly right at the moment the other is secretly contemplating ending it.

[@radurobert1]

Your boyfriend is a good servant . He is serving you and because you're unable to secure a higher status male you keep what you have . You're on a business deal and the romantism that you're playing is just a role and behind the role it is just female nature meaning survival and in this equation love is non-essential

[@Bella-Mae0422]

@@radurobert1 lmao I'm glad the bitter men including yourself feel the need to put down my relationship bc you couldn't find anyone to stick by you 🤦 honey trust me I had plenty of options to cheat or astray throughout my relationship and I never did, men who were young and good looking and had money I chose my man bc I pair bonded with him ..I'm sorry you can't find a woman to do the same for you lol

[@Bella-Mae0422]

@@jason_v12345 well there's a reason it hasn't ended after 9 yrs. I swear y'all stay wanting to hate and be negative over other people's happiness bc y'all can't find anyone to do the same for you lol oh well that's a personal problem for you

[@jason_v12345]

@@Bella-Mae0422Is 9 years a long time for a lifelong marriage? I've stuck around in jobs that I hated for longer than that,

[@JoseDiaz-rd9fh]

Classic projection, because we are sexually attracted to them we project qualities onto our partner that they don't necessarily have. After the honeymoon phase and a dope chart of consistent data coupled together with post nut clarity you get the ugly truth. I think the key is to be able to plug into each others frame and compensate for each other's flaws. Having some level of reciprocity as well. Many people women or men aren't built for long-term relationships because they lack the patience to build a life together with someone and be able to love someone in spite of their flaws

[@alsehl3609]

It doesn't help also when there appears to be more options available made easy by the hook up culture. Those hook ups give the appearance of options where there are none. Also makes it difficult to pair bond. There are no rules imposed by society to regulate relationships or to encourage people to work it out.

[@nyronehodge8361]

Wow....this is my exact situation....wife of 4 years filed for divorce without telling me and no bonified reason...learned that she is an avoidant through Thais Gibson Craig Kenneth. But you my friend actually described the phenomenon that occurred in my marriage. She is addicted to limerence and discarded me out of her life when the crisis of dissolution finally manifested....I just subscribed. Keep them coming doc.

[@relaxandunwind1496]

Relationships are difficult and so time consuming, stay single be happy

[@Cp-yx4ci]

Once you find someone that you love deeply, you will not mind any of these anymore. This I can guarantee you.

[@mtlicq]

@relaxandunwind1496 - ok Klaus Ssschwabb, own nothing be happy & stay single be happy 🤣

[@LarryWilliamsArtist]

@@Cp-yx4ci Yes you will. You'll just put up with them and build resentment. You can never get that wasted time back. If you have anything resembling purpose and goals of your own, no matter how much love you have for the person you will NEVER get your time back.

[@Cp-yx4ci]

@@LarryWilliamsArtist I don't deny what you said there; what you said is the truth. However, we don't get to pick who we love. The efforts have to be on both sides and if you ended up heartbroken with that person and you've made sure you'd given it all, just grieve it and move on. You can always meet a new person with new kind of hope.☺

[@D-A-N-]

This is why arrange marriage with both parties agreeing to it ofc , works out more statistically.

[@joshualove3073]

Spot on, absolutely fucking spot on! You have given one of the most accurate insights on how relationships actually work.

[@victoriaburgess700]

That’s why being friend first is key…or something to that effect. All of my friends on their 2nd marriage were either friends first and realized there was more, or they worked together, was in school, etc. just sayin. Also none of them we’re looking; it just happens. Stop looking y’all

[@morganwalsh1049]

Shattered illusions are also the beginning of a lifelong relationship at the level of honest maturity. You became an adult as soon as you overcame your upbringing. Suddenly you both understand a lot about the person who hides from their true nature. It’s both weak and embarrassed but also strong, true and loving. It’s where devotion begins.

[@Chimalmita1]

1:22 so it's all about projections, expectations and overlay

[@psychacks]

I think so. At least at the beginning. But it doesn't have to be that way forever.

[@JPFCC]

I've used your video in a therapy session. I appreciate the way you explain common tropes. Thank you for constructing and sharing all of your knowledge!

[@V.Z.Perfrement]

I have been single for 8 years. They have been the most peaceful years of my life. While I would enjoy having a genuine partner, I am not willing to give up the peace that I now enjoy for anything less. I found my relationships lonely and I resented my time and money going to a person that didn't appreciate my efforts and treated me like a servant. That is not even getting into how bad the sex was. Not willing to discuss what felt good for me, just what my so called partner wanted. Single is peaceful. It may not be fulfilling, but, its better than living in fear. I spent too many years fearing my so called partners

[@untitle161]

❤️🌺🌹🌷🌸🌼🌻

[@markflierl1624]

This video is a good example of how Romance and flirting is more fun than a relationship.

[@MrJake-yx8ll]

That's a very interesting discussion but the answer is a whole lot simpler . The downfall in today's relationships is the search for equality. It sounds nice to pair two people together and go off to conquer life as equal partners but sadly it does not work in application. Take a commercial airliner.... you have the captain and the first officer. Both know how to fly the airplane from point A to point B but only one is in charge... and it would be disastrous to have it any other way. And while the pilot-in-command is in charge and calling the shots-- that pilot (Husband), is also reliant upon and taking very good care of the first officer (Wife) and everybody else on board...(Children). There is a reason why you can fit four people into a car but there's only one steering wheel.

[@tanyav123]

Love the analogy! Better get in the right car 😂

[@bdtrap]

Yeah but that Captain on aircraft X is going to be the FO on aircraft Y when they change ratings. Or airlines. So it's not always the same person who needs to be in charge of every scenario or every aspect. I am a dominant person, usually taking care of planning and ensuring that her needs are met. But I'm also dominant in my professional life. So every once in a while, it's nice when she takes control and I follow her lead.

[@MrJake-yx8ll]

@@bdtrap Thank you for your feedback however I just want to make sure you're not missing the point.... it doesn't matter what the gender of the pilot is or how long he's been in the Flight Deck with the first officer none of that matters the only thing that matters is the captain is in charge at that moment. You climb into a taxi cab and who is in charge? I don't care if your Niki Lauda or Mario Andretti that cab driver is in charge of the cab. And you have surrendered and willfully agree to letting this person lead in that role. That's what this is all about. Any couple eventually has to come to an agreement on who's going to be in charge and take it from there

[@roses6564]

@@tanyav123 Good point. You'd better match that driver to a T and want to go exactly where he wants to go. Imagine if you sometimes have another route in mind.

[@clearpill]

Yep, it's just he spark. Whether you turn that into a lasting flame will really depend on both people being interested in doing so.

[@maryannecomment3302]

I never had these relationships that did not last, because I would never accept a relationship in the heat of the moment. In a successful relationship, there has to be commitment. There is no commitment within 6 months unless there is another practical reason for the relationship, like for example the need to settle down or to buy a house or start a family. Feelings are gifts, whether they are nice or not. But feelings are not a base for an agreement. If there is no other practical need for the relationship than just feelings, every relationship will fall apart. It is like accepting a challenging job. Everything has to be good enough. The salary, the work, the colleagues, the management and future perspectives. If there is no commitment or satisfaction in the offer, then one should not accept it, there are always better opportunities.

[@D-A-N-]

The reason there’s so much for fantasy now a days is because too much options and interactions thru social media ect and in person and movies specially since we were young. We want that and that and that and chase it until we realize in reality that and that may exist but not always 24/7

[@marke219]

You have the most rational way of explaining things. It's so good.

[@gregprince5283]

I believe the reason most relationships fail is because people get into them under false pretenses. Everyone leads with their best foot forward and once comfortability sets in people gradually start allowing the person to see the real you. This often don't live up to what they saw in the beginning

[@TorontoKaraokeClub]

So sad. You've explained why I hurt the most. So sad. Yes, I figured out this recently your just backing up my hypothesis.

[@psychacks]

It might hurt in the beginning, but eventually this understanding will help you have happy and supportive relationships in the future.

[@JoseDiaz-rd9fh]

As men we need to stop being so optimistic and idealistic. Stop picturing yourself married with two kids and a house with a white picket fence. Until she has been properly vetted. This takes a dope chart of consistent data of good behavior on her part over time. This reminds me of my favorite but sad quote from Robin Williams I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.

[@ifluxion]

This happened to me and my wife of course. It was kind of tough to deal with the actual reality, but once you accept it and build from there, you will make it through.

[@roses6564]

The idea is to thrive, not to "make through."

[@alwaysgreatusa223]

There is only ONE PERSON you can count on to be with you for your entire life -- and that person is YOU ! So, you better love this person with all your heart, or you won't have anyone.

[@leviathon2]

I intuitively understood this from very young. I was always suspicious of the limerence feeling and thought it was a bad idea to use it as a basis for partner selection. My strategy was to try to get to know someone’s character before getting intimately involved (being risk averse). This is not a successful strategy in our culture. We should acknowledge that western culture centres around the romantic myth à la Disney. All men know about the ‘friend zone’ and understand what it means. But in my assessment that should be the sensible chronological order of things. Friends then more after seeing how things work out. Try putting that to a young western woman and see how long you last. Romance is like a narcotic and the idea of denying it will simply mean a woman goes to a different dealer. Doesn’t matter that it’s in their best interests to get to know someone better first. No one will ever be able to convince me that romance is anything other than a blight on our society. Problem is that it’s very profitable and big business isn’t interested in your successful relationship.

[@jimb3093]

Very good points.

[@aquadisiak9357]

Chris Rock says it in a different way, for the first 90 days you're dating their personal representative not them

[@Bread996]

It's sad really. I know this phase is coming and it partially ruins the "halo effect" phase for me. I see her smile, and I look into here eyes with the knowledge that there's going to come a point where she's going to stop liking me in this way. Sucks.

[@brianmeen2158]

I hear you. At this point I don’t know how any relationship lasts long term . Most people I know in one are just stuck in various ways . I’m so glad I’m not in that trap

[@robertfindley921]

Susan Winter calls it "the dream". You fall for the dream and try to wedge that person into that dream. At some point the gap is too big too deny. You don't even have to have a relationship with them; they just need to be someone you want.

[@mikey92362]

I tell every women up front that I'm not a nice person and I will dump them in 60-90 days. They literally NEVER believe me until it happens. Every one of them thinks they're the one who can finally change me. The more I tell them I will never marry them, live with them, or spend money on them, the more they seem to try to prove me wrong. It's crazy!

[@RealHomeRecording]

LOL

[@Ray-pp5qb]

🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@jerrybruckhart9134]

Great post Mike! I find it very interesting that you say 60 to 90 days. For this reason Paul Elam has a video titled the 90 day crossroad, have you ever seen it? If not I am SURE you would have an epiphany or two as you watch it. If interested you can find him at a voice for men.

[@mikey92362]

@@jerrybruckhart9134 sounds like he and I came to the same conclusion! Never heard of him, but I'll check it out today!

[@mikey92362]

@@jerrybruckhart9134 well I just watched it. Never really thought about it the way he does. Sounds like he's saying that at around 90 days they'll sh1t test you, and at that point the relationship is never the same again. What I do is dump them before they get a chance to do that, because it WILL happen. It's like risking a fish you caught by using as bait to catch more fish. When you dump a hot girl, it raises your smv in the eyes of her friends. It makes it easier to replace her with even more just like her. It's funny, now that I'm old enough to have figured women out, I'm also finally at an age where they just aren't very interesting to me anymore. My goal for 2023 is to stop dating completely. I've failed pretty bad so far. But I'm definitely slowing down and making progress!

[@elanahammer1076]

I do not believe that needing open communication is a negative. I know that I felt very hurt when I could not bring chicken soup to a loved one and I had not seen him in three days. Unfortunately there was a pattern with no communication and the individual was simply off of the radar repeatedly for about 3-4 days in a 3 week period. This was past the 3 month mark. It is hard to have any relationship with someone who hangs up on the phone, dismisses your feelings and tramples your boundaries. In that regard the message I got is I am just not into you. So I told myself to walk away. Thank you 🤔❤🇺🇸

[@Ulysses88047]

If it wouldn't be for our idealising the " loved" person, and for the whole projection involved in this process, we would never fall in love.... The secret of " happy " marriage is the positive Illusion (projection )😊 I once ( twenty years ago ) had a friend who was very content with her marriage and adored her husband " the best husband in the world ". He cheated her systematically, the whole time, and everybody else knew that. As we once talked about men who use to cheat. their wives, she said with a bright happy smile on her face: "my husband could never never cheat me, I trust his loyalty and honesty "......I think they are still together....

[@brettwheeler7753]

Virtually every relationship has that "make or break" moment when the first big confrontation happens. At this point I believe that it's best to take a step back, as in no contact for at least a week, and both sides should look at the relationship as clearly as possible, putting emotions aside. Then after the cooling off, decide whether to go forward.

[@KingOfTheFreds]

I've been watching and listening to your videos all day. Thank you, you've helped me.

[@kaizenexcellens]

Sounds like limerence coupled with easier to fool someone than to show them they have been fooled. Love the phrase 'projected fantasy'.

[@laurengalan2760]

Yep. Spot on. I struggle with limerence mostly when I’m isolated and disconnected and not around others. It was a pattern that was set up when I was young and I remember it starting most strongly with boy bands. Evil knows this and targets my imagination via this particular vulnerability. For a long time now it has tried to attack my imagination in such a way that it wants my imagination to serve its purposes. This I bring to the true Christ. If this is what God wants for me fine, so be it.

[@radurobert1]

Woman always play this double role in which she pretend she's an innocent angel in search for love when in fact she's a cold calculated creature that have real emotions only for her self and the male is just disposable utility so she can love him only conditionally . But the woman is playing the role of the inocent angel in order to hide who she really is from her self .

[@anewlifestirring]

Very clear and helpful One point that also helps is to discuss our purposes in life and how they match and how we intend to make compromises and efforts in order to reconcile our differences

[@luminyam6145]

I shared your channel with my sons. There is a lot of wisdom in your videos. I plan to help my grandchildren through heartache with that video on releasing your ex with love. Wow, that was brilliant, it is really going to help them when they go through those crises in adolescence. I wish you had been around when I was raising my children. I am glad to have found you now though.

[@alexanderpons9246]

Very good description Dr. Taraban but sadly so many of us want our fantasy to be true but as you mentioned only through time, open mind and observation will we not stumble over and over again through this process.

[@pjuliano9000]

Makes perfect sense … im 17 years in due to a child we had together … but can’t wait to leave … terriblr waste of my time.

[@roses6564]

That;s what society does. Ushers people in marriages, often poorly matched, then it tells them it's all about roles, and God's will and "making it work for the children," we believe it bc we are meek in spirit, never mind divorced people love their children and cooperate for them ... and before you know it, this wretched society wasted your life and you wonder "why, oh why, did I listen to all the dogma?" When I hear all that religious and bougie-sanctimonious mambo-jumpbo about "making marriage work," it's smh time.

[@Krwler]

I’ve been guilty of this and I’ve had women think of me this way too.

[@jonrosen1699]

These short videos, even individually in themselves, are true lifesavers. (They continue to save mine!) Combined, they are world-healers in a world of worlds that need healing. Thank you Good Dr. T

[@judyb1643]

That was really interesting! A very clear and concise explanation!

[@shannonriley8299]

WOW, this answered a lot of questions regarding relationships, Now I am beginning to understand the issues regarding the beginnings of why I can feel so strongly about some, and not give a damn about others.

[@ericwilliams626]

Expectations. Respect is then lost.

[@kevingonzalez3673]

The fantasy and reality are too far apart.

[@angelor1171]

Wow! That was an amazing explanation. Thank you so much!

[@keithdmaust1854]

Exactly how M. Scott Peck described it in The Road Less Traveled. He writes: Falling in Love Peck describes falling in love as a temporary collapse of ego boundaries that allows people to merge their identities with another person. This collapse can lead to a feeling of ecstasy, release, and loneliness relief. Published in 1978 Collapse of the ego boundaries is a condition in which the person lacks a clear sense of where their own body, mind, and influence end and where these characteristics in other animate and inanimate objects begin.

[@NoName-zb1gm]

People want that spark or that feeling instead of finding someone with a good heart and emotional intelligence who feels compatible. I'm guilty of it but sometimes that "perfect" person pops into your life when you least expect it and it gets the mind thinking he or she could be the one. Usually the other person is lukewarm and goes along with it because someone is showering them with attention.

[@Mikebannerman-l8q]

Finally happy to have My Ex back after we separated for 6 months, Thanks for making this possible, want to fix your relationship issues, I recommend this relationship Physician

[@DaveE99]

We need to teach people that everybody has an amygdla and that side of them sucks. freeze flight fight side isn’t attractive on anyone. And we ignore this idea.

[@33Jenesis]

I was looking for qualities I don’t have in men, like resolve, consistency, and emotional maturity. I almost always date athletes because they have the first 2. I was greatly influenced by them to be more active. Over time I became better at improving what didn’t come naturally. After 50 I lost interest in finding a mate. I have ability to make myself the version I imagined. I don’t need a person to complete me.

[@Gyp6yMike]

I have an 18 month shelf life, thank you very much

[@angellarios4802]

When we judge all good night bad...we go into fantasy...until we are balanced...

[@DavidTramacchi]

This is phenomenal insight!!! Great to see your channel is growing rapidly. Great value thanks!!! 👍

[@theangelamorris]

Been there, took forever to learn this lesson.....respecially hard lesson if the person is a people pleaser and deeply masking their true self which usually is revealed around 6 months too.

[@NikkiH-q4x]

Different people have different ability to bond and connect. A lot depends on patterns developed in childhood. People that have been hurt when they were developing and have avoidant styles start creating false “faults” in the other,as a way to create distance and thus dodge the pain they are sure will come. Because they are re-living the hurts of the past, with the false expectation that history will repeat itself.

[@KomalSingh-cm8gc]

Thanks for making this

[@Hanna5859]

In the best case scenario, relationships are between two self-centred, self-loving, and selfish SINNERS. Yet we are trying to find the PERFECT persons that will make US happen.

[@oemj7147]

That's what a self centered person will say. People who behave badly always assume that everybody else does it too.

[@WildMidwest1]

@@oemj7147 Hanna is summarizing Judaeo-Christian beliefs. No need to attack.

[@Mayhzon]

If you actually follow the Law of God, your love is through God and you can only love a person of God. Don't know why you try to bring Christianity up here, but if you do at least do it right. And: Divorce is not a Christian value, it is a perversion of it.

[@untitle161]

I’ve told people this “It’s best to not tell your man or woman “You’re the love of my life” or “You’re my forever”. Because you just don’t know until or if it happens”.

[@sideman7117]

Very, very insightful. This video shed some light on a situation I heretofore couldn’t understand.

[@Bensaur]

Fantasy is so cruel. We all have different expectations of what a romantic relationship should look like. The success/failure of a relationship depends on how well those needs are communicated. Thanks for the vid. P.S. 3:30 I think you have the wrong idea of what "limerence" is -- limerence is an involuntary/unwanted obsession or infatuation with another person; the attraction is often unreciprocated or just sets wildly high expectations. Limerence is, "I wish I could stop fantasizing about this person."

[@psychacks]

"Love" is the conflation of many different concepts. I use the word "limerence" to mean "the feeling of being in love." Almost everyone experiences this as involuntary, but it's certainly not always unwanted. There are many people out there chasing a feeling, and ending otherwise functional relationships because "they're not in love anymore."

[@planetary-rendez-vous]

​@@psychacks Could you do a video on the different concepts of love?

[@jason_v12345]

@@psychacks "The feeling of being in love" is a characteristic of limerence but is not its definition. So if you want to include others who feel in love without feeling limerence, just say, "obsessed with the feeling of being in love."

[@roses6564]

@@psychacks What are "functional" relationships? We can eat together, make and raise babies, get groceries, and not poke each other's eyes out - but feel ultimately lonely in the relationship? How about thriving in relationships? That's what "in love" is.

[@davidkalman5691]

You're the first person to mention limerance. Can you do a short talk on the subject? Thanks

[@MichaelRe-c7q]

My relationship lasted for years but about a year into being married my wife changed drastically. The 6 month to year period was insanley magical. We lived out our fantasies but yea it feels like at the same time I feel like i overlooked everything that could be seen as a red flag

[@GhostlyNomad130]

Prepare for the worst, Hope for the best. Relationships are like slots at a casino. The more you play the more chances to Win OR lose it all!

[@dirtyace1668]

Always look for the negative sides of the person and decide whether you would be willing and ready to deal with them on a long-term basis. The positive sides will always be obvious as the vast majority of people will always try to project that side of them, regardless of what situation they're in. Essentially, you need to ground yourself and keep it that way in order to make the best decision about your prospective partner based on reality.

[@mycoachdave]

“When you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.” ~unknown If anyone has the source for this quote, do let me know. There’s a chapter in the book The Five Love Languages devoted to this topic - and what to do after the crash. Even mentions the word “limerance”. Basically (in the context of a committed intimate relationship) limerance is a biological function designed to ensure the proliferation of the species. It’s the means to an end, that being an enduring relationship built on actual love, which means sacrifice. Yet we live in a culture that upholds that feeling as if that euphoric feeling of being “in love” were the end itself, not the means to the end of an enduring relationship. What to do? We would do well to learn to express our love in our partner’s love language BEFORE the crisis of disillusionment. Ideally before. Much harder after the fact. Not impossible, but much harder. Not doing so means chronic singlehood, or tolerating a loveless relationship.

[@DeltaTempest]

Yup this was me. I wish I wouldve tried to have a relationship before 29 because now I ruined a perfectly good one and Im scared that was my only chance

[@fishstickbio594]

The crisis of disillusionment is this …..finding out the other person continually cheated sexually while in the “ marriage” , cheated monetarily , hidden addictions and having delusions of power ……

[@star_blazer]

Thank you for another powerful red pill, Dr. Taraban!

[@goofywill90]

It's like finding their true persona rather than an assumed/projected one from myself at the beginning stages. I guess try debunk my own delusion ASAP.

[@tonika7543]

The worst part about it is getting ghosted. You thought that you and your partner had a great and strong connection when all of the sudden it turned out fake.

[@snapdragon6084]

Unrealistic expectations and lack of accountability.

[@averypaul3375]

this man knows 100 what he's talking about

[@Malumbrus]

I would imagine it's because of expectations.

[@MatthaeusEbonah]

My person has changed. A LOT!!! I feel as though over a year into the relationship I've remained the same person. Do the same things. Show love in the way THEY want to be loved not the way I perfer to be loved. But she's completely changed. She says she feels the most comfortable now. But Im starting to think she was acting the few 6-8 months of the relationship. I hate this feeling. We don't have kids but our kids are involved with each other now and breaking up means breaking up a family that has no legal bond to each other. I don't think I'm cut out for this modern age.

[@markcurtin2910]

Very helpful. Thanks!

[@mmoly-cj4bd]

I think Leonardo DiCaprio's way is best. This other stuff is too much to think about. Leo's the man!

[@DieWellTomorrow]

Thank you, LiveRightToday

[@wenhanzhou5826]

I was in a 6 month relationship to find out in the end that my ex only loved me for the feeling of security I provided. When that desire was satisfied, she basically stopped contacting me, the fantasy break was real.

[@what2watchyt]

We all learn no need to beat ourselves up.

[@eyeofthetiger0030]

always dropping golden nuggets, keep up the good work!

[@acc2mdk1]

How i see things and hve always seen things from teenage years, you need to become friends with the person you desire to be with. But yeah, thats me.

[@dominiclapinta8537]

They haven't learned what relationships require. Most people relationshipwise don't come in morally but ethically. Ethics fluctuate with the culture, but morality is constant. The majority of people live their lives like an addict and so when the dopamine wears off over time, they leave for the next person who can stimulate a pleasure. This is why I tell people that most people have never graduated high school. Because, superficially, they have moved in, internally, they have not moved on from how they process and deal with and male relationships and life choices.

[@DavidMatias79]

I've been watching a bunch of these videos recently and I think I'm becoming convinced - ugly women are the way to go. Thanks doc. Look out ugly women! Here I come! 😂

[@cosmic687]

lol

[@habanero6332]

I think it’s a natural and good thing and it’s telling you that you are with the wrong person instead of forcing yourself to stay together for societal programming which is bogus and life destroying.

[@monikasolymos2396]

General delusion of most people is that we are good people. We are not! We all need each others mercy in a relationship. The question is, if mercy and love is equaly high in a relationship. If there must be too must mercy, in comparison with love, it will fail. If there isn't enough love, it will fail.

[@thomasupton2664]

I've never been let down by myself.