Why Narcissist Snapshots YOU

The narcissist is capable of having pseudointimate relationships that do not involve a shared fantasy. In such liaisons, he is indifferent and dismissive, but not abusive.
Within a shared fantasy, the narcissist snapshots (introjects) his partner and then idealizes the resultant internal object.
Henceforth, the narcissist abusively coerces his partner into conforming to this inner representation of her (avatar) in his mind.
This course of action guarantees the ultimate dissolution of the bond via devaluation and discard and the long sought after separation from a maternal figure.
The narcissist’s partners end up abandoning him, triangulating or mortifying him with infidelity or other forms of betrayal in a desperate attempt to jump start the moribund relationship (a cry for help, having been exposed to the narcissist’s inexorable betrayal fantasy), or succumbing and becoming a figment in his fantasy.
When his partner consents to suspend her autonomy and agency and give in to the shared fantasy, separation-individuation fails.
Resentful and frustrated, the narcissist defeminizes and maternalizes the obsequious partner: the relationship becomes sexless and transactional.
She becomes a full-fledged mother figure, free to have sex and romance with others, but always at the beck and call of the permanently infantilized narcissist.
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[@sylvomordor9338]

I am the 3rd. He hates that i am a good person. Tries to find any reason that i have been immoral in some way. But i havent been so he is very much frustrated. Im happy i realised this so soon and can walk away with a rather unbothered future.

[@missta1820]

Thank you for your indepth explaination Prof. Sam. I got fed up with playing the Mummy role. I finally abandoned the 47 year old child. I feel free!

[@windysmith7367]

Explains perfectly my ex narc boyfriend I left 4 months ago. He had been divorced for 20 years but could not detach from his ex wife. When I first addressed this he said it was because they shared children and I said they are adults ..age 36 and 32. They texted like every 2-3 days and called each other occasionally. He said he had no desire to return to her. She had been remarried for 15+ years. I decided to accept it if I was going to be with him. I know in my own divorce with an adult child I only speak to my ex on a “as needed basis”. I think they had a very co-dependent relationship and he got validation (both negative and positive) from interacting with her. I knew I did not represent the “mother” role to him, he was getting that elsewhere. However, he told me he divorced her because she became a “mother” to him and he did not like that ?? Treating him like a child, checking on him constantly, telling him what he should do, etc. Said he did not want to be mothered but unconsciously I think he was still allowing her to do this while he lived the single life. I never felt jealous of her but it was a triangulated relationship and got worse when I found out he was secretly talking and texting an old ex girlfriend of his. Again, he claimed nothing sexual and she had called him and he was helping her with some family stuff. I knew he was lying. This, and other red flags, were enough for me to end this two year relationship. I did not want to be cheated on or triangulated on , given silent treatments, mood swings, deception , dealing with anger and rage anymore due to his personality disorder.

[@TalybahSage]

Thank you Sam… is this why, after the idealization phase where all your flaws or lesser characteristics are viewed in positive ways or outright adored, the Narcissist suddenly seems to view most or all of your characteristics as beneath worthy of them/unattractive/repulsive/unsatisfactory and why they begin to view you with contempt as though they can no longer see what drew them to you to begin with. I have seen extreme contempt and disdain shown towards the same partner he originally chased just a year or two earlier. Does the narcissist ask him/herself ‘what am I doing with this loser/fool/bum? What did I ever see in her? She is so unattractive to me now but why not at the beginning when I viewed her as a goddess and wanted only her??

[@pixiew9767]

Holy Moly. I got to the 9 minute mark and so much slotted into place. I've just had a breakup from someone I thought was a best friend. I was being the friend but it's apparent she wasn't my friend at all. I'm devastated and am grieving for the loss of what I thought was. I knew of narcissism but didn't know the depth of it until a week ago. Now I'm dealing with character assassination, as she goes behind my back and tries to recruit all of our mutual friends, however, I know most of them can see the destruction she has caused and the many broken relationships she has already left behind.

[@darubaru]

I feel like i am a narcissist too, to a certain point at least :) I feel sorry for people and animals and nations... I try not to use or abuse them, and when i realize that i do, i stop doing it. Still, i was always attracted to full-fledged narcissists. I still do but now i know when i see one. Try to avoid them. Then again, i think like, "well, what they look for is either sex or validation or whatsoever, lets make an exchange, feed on each other for a while and then we can go our own ways!" But cannot do it really, because i am afraid of getting stuck with one of them again. Also, i feel totally depressed, self sabotaged and exhausted even when i hang out a couple of hours with one of them. Is it possible that i am attracted to them because i really want to see who i am, so i can "correct" myself? Or just to get more acquainted with them, get to know their tricks so that i don't fall for them? I don't know, listening to Sam gives me goosebumps either this way or another...

[@darubaru]

Maybe because i know i am a narcissist too, and i don't really want to hurt people, i choose other (more advanced narcissists) as my prey. Because hurting/using/abusing them doesn't really count as evil? They don't even really care? But at some point unfortunately i start feeling sorry for them, and that is when i get stuck in their traps?

[@breannamarriott1870]

reacquainted with your channel after years off of therapy and abandoning mental well-being.. thank you for this! so knowledgeable

[@HarveyKlee]

WOW!! You just wrote the general plot-twists to my marriage! For me I had agency but most my friends and family sided with the Narc against me or didn't know what to think or say to be polite. But then they and our marriage counselor did a 180° after it was too late, then blamed me all over again for believing their silence. One best friend still thinks my poor narc was so violently abusive sexually, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually to me, Fam and children because she tried a diet long ago, ffs Profuse thank you's Dr for covering coercive snapshotting. I've never heard of this before!! Vital to know to understand and predict narcissists' next malevolent moves for our children's and next generations' sake!! 🙏🏼 I was destroyed and almost died from her almost a decade ago and still rebuilding myself. Trying PBT for my NAS and PBS now

[@tionytim3333]

Very Happy to See you again Professor! Welcome Back!

[@burneyvisser]

Absolutely spot on. I became the father to her child. The reason I kept contact was her is because of a son we have that she uses to try to control me. What a complete waste of her gift of life potential and future. She actively destroys herself and anyone connected with her. Criminal

[@MavennMusic]

I am convinced I was involved with a narcissist for almost three years. I experienced every stage of the typical narcissistic cycle, shamefully several times. Well, my ex had just such a relationship as you describe in this video with another woman (he called her his close friend), they would triangulate and gaslight me together, she was the perfect flying monkey. He had no shared-fantasy expectations from her as she was engaging with him as a co-conspirator, in an extramarital affair of her own and did not interfere with his dalliances. This suited them both as he seeks the sadistic/narcissistic supply with a constant flow of new victims with whom he engages in shared fantasy and she plays the evil/protective mother he desires. I escaped by observing and documenting their affair for over 6 months and then exposing them publically in social circles and professionally (as it was unethical as well) - In response of course, they accused me of ruining their lives. I have been out of this relationship (no contact) for several months now. Professor, welcome back you were indeed missed and thank you for being a voice of logic and reason on the subject.

[@traceyprophettt2885]

Hi l have missed you ! believe it or not l fall asleep listening to you then l have the pleasure of listening to you when l am awake 😊 🇬🇧🥰

[@szalome1]

thank you for sharing your story, it helps me to realize what happened to me was real: I want through the same thing, except my narc called his steady partner his 'mistress', who is a psychologist. protect yourself and keep no contact whatever it takes. all the best for you!

[@flowwithsusannah]

This makes so much sense, my ex triangulated me with an ex- girlfriend of his for years much to my exasperation before I knew or understood narcissism. I could never get to grips with their relationship but understand from this video now that she was actually his substitute mother...she has always been there over the last 20 years to take him back when his various girlfriends couldn't deal with him or his abuse anymore. It makes so much sense..they have no sexual relationship but she enables him, mothers him, always provides a safe place and roof over his head just like any mother would....wow!

[@melodyandgames9310]

I missed you, Professor, and I'm glad you're back!

[@carlacrystal955]

We miss you Minnie ☕️

[@catherinehinkle8596]

The most enlightening takeaway from this video is when the professor stated the partner's stay or want to at least try to maintain the relationship with the narcissist due to Daddy issues, childhood issues...whatever the issue we want to make it work. Sadly he is right, but he always is. The relationship l had with my person very much was a reenactment of my shared fantasy with my father and now accepting it. He was and never will be the Dad l longed for and never had due to his trauma...now he's in his 70's. The same sad reality that my person was and would be who l thought he was, but again will never be. This real reality has been the hardest aspect of my healing journey. It was the fantasy l created and then recreated through my person. Forgiveness of myself and for the relationships is key! Heartbreaking 💔 when you always hoped for something that never was. 😔

[@peacefulpath222]

Thank you for that explanation Sam. You’re helping so many of us navigate through the madness 🙏🏻

[@lederpsta42]

It's like an uncle I haven't seen a while came for a surprise visit!

[@andreasan3605]

This explains alot I experienced..always taking photos 🤔

[@andas3343]

Please don t ever stop posting

[@CurlyHostile]

It’s the introductions for me ❤🌿

[@spencilvania]

yo, I've dwfinitely been snapshotted and transformed into some discount "mommy" for my ex narc. it makes my skin crawl

[@runningwithscissors1564]

Same here.

[@spencilvania]

@@mermaid78 i didnt realise what it was then, i was blind.

[@spencilvania]

@@mermaid78 its really hard to explain.. it's kind of like. they meet you and the relationship unfolds in a way that you become a second chance to heal an emotional wound that their mother has left on them. since that partner did not heal it on their own or are incapable of doing so alone.

[@Umbear]

Nice to see you back, Mr. Vaknin

[@loraineinspahr8395]

So so so eye opening !!! And as a victim for 50 years ( being a surviver now) your lecture today is point blank 100% right on!! This describes my situation to a tee! I'm so glad to be able to understand the hole situation. My life is not a waste but a true learning experience to the core! Who knows , I may come back in my next life as fully capable of understanding and helping others through this mind boggling condition. Thank you , Sam !! You are a phenomenal source of information and entertainment wrapped up in ONE! 🙂

[@acasyd]

Welcome back Prof. Vaknin and Mini 🐹 you were greatly missed , however now, ever so pleased to be able to listen to your words of wisdom once again. 😊😊😊

[@dianamelendez5464]

So glad to see you back. You have been educating me on this subject for about 2 years. With all your teachings I have been able to save myself from a 10year relationship with a narcissist. Thank you I find you incredibly necessary

[@darubaru]

Thanks for all this Sam. I first came across with one of your videos almost 10 years ago and got really aware of "narcissists!" I always knew that they exist but never thought i could be one of them, or i was together with one. You showed me that they (we?) really exist.

[@carylpark7192]

100% Thank you Sam for the way you so accurately, concisely and practically deconstruct. Dr. Sam Vaknin wrote the introduction for my book LOOK ME IN THE EYE - Caryl Wyatt in 2006. Since the publication and second edition I have been listening to Sams videos and watching life unforld at a distance from the 2 Narcissists in my life, ex husbands and every single word is 100% accurate. Had I not discovered Sam on the internet I think as far back as 2004 heaven only knows where my life would be today. Eternally grateful 🙏

[@pamelabethnoble]

DELIGHTED to see you

[@ashleykathryn9038]

Are they taking a snapshot when their staring at you? I noticed this with the men who turned out to be abusive, only before the relationship begins after they don't bother looking at me lol

[@laurenlowenstein4937]

You back 🎉🎉🎉. Welcome back. I’ve been in withdrawals not seeing you 😅

[@runwiththewind3281]

Professor Vaknin, thank you.

[@sihaamlagardien8369]

OMG!!! WOW!!! THIS IS SPOT ON!!!

[@shereenhumphreys2486]

Yes hes back 🙌 👏

[@annemarie9980]

Thanks Sam you were missed...I wondered what happened....great content 🙂

[@indigosmyth7475]

I totally missed you Professer Sam and I'm not ashamed to admit it💜🖤

[@simoneenomis3357]

Welcome back❤😊, and YES we have missed you!!

[@s_b123]

Yesss, we missed you!🥳🎊

[@antheaglocer4232]

Good to see you back. Your talks have helped so much.

[@marylourodriguez9227]

Wow, that explains the shots he took of me on the road. Was so confused by it! So much I learned today. Thanks

[@NicNicole808]

I’m so glad you’re back!!

[@FreedomandRights4US]

Welcome back, been patiently waiting

[@maryjoe2311]

I'm so excited to see you back. Thanks Prof.vaknin

[@bluefranky5851]

Excellent video Sam! Thank you.

[@16Zuzana61]

Welcome back!

[@lisashen2845]

This is so well explained...makes so much sense...

[@pike1936]

welcome back! I learn a lot with you and I love your sense of humor, best regards from Norway

[@jacqelvilleraw]

My gutt feeling said watch this one. I'm soooooo glad I did. I totally halve been dealing with this exact thing with my now, 3rd attempt, of leaving my narcissist. I was totally falling, predominantly 3rd case scenario of this video, but with sex, when he felt like it. It gave me such clarity. Thank you for all the time and effort you put into your information

[@patriciawaters86]

Dear Professor Sam Vaknin I’m so delighted to see a new video from you today. Yeah!! Thank you 🙏🏽 so much for all your videos they have truly helped me 🙏🏽and I’m sure, so many others.

[@sinabeizavi3848]

I'm very happy that you are back Sam. We missed you ;)

[@tinavata569]

Welcome back Sam . Amazing insight , as always . In romanian there's a quote " oil always rises above the water" . So glad it started to rise

[@craftlover9702]

Enlightening and insightful, thank you!!

[@charisluvangadio6075]

Definitely missed you!

[@mfalcon6297]

Prof. Vaknin! I am so happy to see you are back! Missed you!

[@Beleen-gw3vw]

Wow! That explanation makes so much sense 😮. 👁️ opening tbh.😮

[@classicmicroscopy9398]

Not going to lie. I really did miss your KZbin garden. xD

[@katerinak4164]

I admit, I admit that I missed you dear Professor! 🌹

[@jb3143]

Thank you Sam.

[@Laroccalier1988]

Thank you Professor 🙏

[@cherrydee7874]

🥳You're back🤗

[@angelrose2669]

Thank you.

[@test_subject_usa5017]

BINGO. My ex husband did all this & accused me of being a person that perfectly described his mother in the end. He is almost 50 & is still being controlled & exploited by his mommy. He projects it onto all other women & I believe he is in the closet about his true sexuality. He is a son-husband who behaves very much like his mother. He was also in competition with our child & I realized toward the end that he was breaking things & doing other things around the house, blaming our child, & would then encourage me to punish her. It was disgusting & I had no idea for so long because I voluntarily kissed his butt & did everything to make HIM happy. I was so dumb & needy. I can’t believe how blind and unaware of myself I was for so long. How unaware of reality I was for so long.

[@sophiechoice1304]

Very informative 👏

[@ec1222]

These introductions are escalating 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@ciaraskeleton]

Your dry sense of humour never fails to make me giggle. It's great to have it in amongst the heavy psychological content lol :)

[@reginaonly1294]

We missed minnie!

[@thumbelina9587]

My narc forced me to cheat. He did everything he could to sabotage us. He pushed for me to sleep with other man and when i did, he left

[@paulbickley]

Brilliant, thankyou. I know I became the Dad in the relationship.

[@janeyost2439]

I am so glad I am driving my narcissist crazy! 🤣🤣🤣

[@bubeek73]

🤘🏻👍🏻you are genius 😊

[@misbah76]

First comment and I actually did miss you 😊

[@thereply8001]

To be honest I've missed Minnie just as much as I've missed you, Professor. Does that mean I'm codependent on her?

[@MIRNA_LIZ]

😂😂😂

[@iainhanley5461]

[Action required] point of break off with you and all connected persons.

[@marianneolivierhagg5053]

😂😂😂 ..and you have a good sense of humour....

[@marianneolivierhagg5053]

@text1839 Good morning Dr Sam How do we go about with the Mentorship from you? Kind regards Marianne

[@kymbelt]

I DID miss you, actually!! 😭

[@patriciawaters86]

By the way, I missed you very much Prof. Vaknin

[@malikak9384]

Yes we do😅you are the best!اهلا و سهلا

[@jonlopez07]

That was a very specific insight, those patterns that you connect in my childhood are insane. Thank you for your time!!!! Are you ever planning on exposing Richard’s acts in a video? The irony of it is too good to pass Sam!

[@Vic-Meow]

Richard's acts? Would you mind giving me a hint of what you mean? I presume you're referring to Grannon?

[@noracecelia2670]

Professor, would you depict in one of your excellent videos the “modicum intimacy” of pseudo-romantic relationships of NPD individuals?

[@AndrezzaFernandes]

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 Wonderful

[@charlenejacoby514]

I missed you!!!😂

[@ninamonro3582]

But how a narcissist can get rid of her compulsive obsession with someone?

[@lomaxx27]

Question, can you shed any light from the subject tree- why would one make an animal noise? , for instance supposedly uncontrollable bleating goat noise, when finishing sentences or moving away from the speaking/conversation.... Sorry if this is random and not worth a response i don't mind . Maybe a video would be great..id be happy to interact from questions. Ty

[@XAtmo97]

Hi Sam, your channel isn't listed in the "where did you find us" in the counselling service offered. Wondered if this is another example of the subtle persona suppression you mentioned. Also, do you enjoy Constellated D&D?

[@Lgaard1]

How can the narcissist maintain the rigid unchanged internal object throughout the idealisation -> discard cycle? Is it even possible? How does he experience the discrepancies between external and internal realities? Does he live in constant cognitive dissonance? How does he resolve this?

[@nichtogeSumnyashesya]

Hi, Sam! At 21 minutes it seemed to me that you were describing narcissus as a puppet who doesn't care where, when and with whom his wife (husband) sleeps. Is that true?

[@elleb.5323]

Does this cycle repeat over again? This has happened to me, I stayed for a decade. I refused to be discarded .He became more infant like and absent- I was always there for him. He withheld sex, emotional sexual connection was not there last few months . Does separation individualization get repeated and re-enacted in every relationship? Or this is a one time thing.

[@OVRESALTDAL]

So I became his mother…

[@jestprzygoda]

Is it possibile to change libido?

[@bennymoreira1443]

I missed you but you missed me more!

[@soulsurvivor2730]

Lol. I did miss Mini tho.

[@byaweenja]

but what happens when the narcissist sees the former partner after years? does the shared fantasy reactivate in his mind? Is it guaranteed that at this point in time, he'll have to re-idealize that partner?

[@byaweenja]

@@luluadapa5222 R U a narcissist tho?...

[@MIRNA_LIZ]

😊

[@majanovosel4910]

I love you Sam Vaknin

[@marlaphillips7421]

What would happen if I played this video for my covert narcissist husband

[@thefonz1589]

Don't

[@Mezzaluna74]

Oh yes ❤ I admit it 😅 I miss you sooo much (love bombing 😂)

[@Rahel]

Does cold therapy help at all with this facet of narcissism?

[@samvaknin]

No.

[@stephaniec5215]

Taylor Swift song lyrics are the epitome of the narc creed. “It’s the perfect night...(to) make fun of our exes”. Romeo & Juliet. Wildest Dreams. You Belong with ME. Triangulation and fantasy of perfection and discarding people when she doesn’t get her way or ‘that stupid truck you never let me drive’. She’s plays the victim when she isn’t the most special and quickly discards any who won’t sacrifice their dignity to worship her. Even when the relationship ends, she orders the man to think of her wearing this or that and continues to make his life all about her. In short, it’s messed up!

[@marycoop3064]

I have met MANY people who have been through a lot of stuff.. but they did not become narcs.. there is no excuse...

[@IHadAToughTeacher]

No excuse??? Mary Coop, I guess this is your first day to ever encounter an expert educator on the topic of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.. Jennifer hos tried, but she hasn't had enough time to begin to understand the disorder.. Any Psychiatrist or Psychologist could help you understand that to nay that a narcissist has no excuse for how he treats his wife is rather like saying that a tornado has no excuse tearing up mobile home parks.

[@user-mh3gr2hw8v]

Профессор, у вас очень красивые белые руки😊

[@latikabenz6289]

@Prof. Sam Vaknin, I became the snapshot. I refused to leave the relationship for years. He vanished, left home. He threatened me to push me to file for divorce. What happens if finally the partner decides to leave?