Why Narcissists Use Selective Meanness

It is common to ask if narcissists are so clueless that they simply do not know what they are doing and how they impacts others. Dr. Les Carter points out that they indeed do know what they are doing, as evidenced by their selective use of meanness. It's a very common tactic of gaslighting, and it can leave you feeling confused until you learn to see through it.
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[@mightymouse1005]

They absolutely know what they do is wrong because they don't do it everywhere and around everyone. It's deliberate

[@mssocial9086]

Absolutely!! I used to wonder, but this is exactly how I know they know what they are doing.

[@happyday3368]

Totally agree - how long do you think they'd have a job if they treated their boss the same way they treated you? Not long - just a guess.

[@T1mButler]

Oh yeah, they enjoy it, they are truly repulsive, disgusting human beings

[@damiencheeks6632]

Omg this is so true!!! When the pieces slide into place , you can't unsee it !!!!

[@MrKnutriis]

Yes, and they will have to leave you after they've been exposed. @@damiencheeks6632

[@MrBDezno]

They're VERY sneaky. They won't reveal their meanness to everyone, but find moments to go on attack when no one else is there.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Dad is overtly narcissistic in my presence and covertly narcissistic in other's presences. He is a Jekyll-Hyde.

[@lisafowler7563]

That's so true

[@moerbesam7974]

Yes, this is so right on.

[@judimunro9279]

So many Jekyll-Hyde. It’s ALMOST fascinating. Almost.

[@misslippy8439]

Very true!

[@fred.k9875]

Narcissists are mean, their selectiveness is self serving.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So true, Fred.

[@marieldavison5121]

Yep and diabolical! They pick vulnerable victims.

[@steadypace1262]

Yep it's all about them, narcissists are the most selfish people on the planet.

[@pyarkaaloo]

@@marieldavison5121 💯💯 they pick vulnerable victims-i.e. ppl that have no voice, no power, no team of lawyers to defend them (when it is necessary).... Narcs are stalkers & bullies

[@gretchenbowers642]

Very much agree

[@overit16]

"No one gets angrier than a guilty narcisstic".

[@annette-fl2uy]

Do they feel guilt?

[@AA-ct7cb]

They don’t want to look poorly to others.

[@jamesmartinez7220]

So true.

[@poloparker0420]

​@@annette-fl2uyonly shame

[@Sheisme120]

The reason they think people are out to get them is because that’s how they themselves are to people.

[@susansheldon2707]

I like that saying, "When someone shows you their real self, believe them." With narcs (and all other grown adults, as far as I'm concerned), that should mean no second chances following abusive treatment. By the time we're adults, our choices and actions are intentional, not because someone is "having a bad day" or made a mistake, as with immature children. I say never give the benefit of the doubt to proven cruel people. Period. Just call 'em as you see 'em, and get clear away.

[@druchampion-payne1489]

So true!

[@deetles98]

When they are family members tho it is hard to just get away

[@galaxy98765]

Susan, you are so right. Best advice I've had all week. Thank you.

[@NilaDesigns]

Absolutely

[@gretchenbowers642]

Totally agree

[@eyeoffthetiger2691]

Yes Narcissist are so competitive. So weird because they're thinking that YOU are in competition with them🤷🏿‍♀️

[@valeriehowden471]

My competitive narc sibling went out of country and spent tens of thousands of dollars on fertility treatments to try to have a second child right after I had my first baby. Never happy to be tied.

[@bonnieuptree5691]

I once said it was weird that I'd been with a man so much older than me, but now was with someone several years younger. "My" Hex blurted out that before me , his last relationship was with a 13 years old (He was 22 ) . My Nurse sister said she was mandated to report because that was Rape. He said no it wasn't because she was his girlfriend. Yuck. What a puke. Never wanted to be with him after that.

[@ladennayoung2939]

LOL. Yes. It's VERY weird AND annoying. They are really only in competition with themselves.

[@shirleyguinyard8183]

My malignant covert Narcissist husband

[@chickennugget6233]

Isn't this crazy? Like conflict resolution, wouldn't that mean you both are trying to figure something out? I totally understand having to grow and mature into that because you've been toxic yourself (🙋🏻‍♀️ hi lol) and didn't have any skills, but it'a the lack of EMPATHY stearing the ship!! It's like, you can make a 1000 mistakes (not that it is okay, safe, or excusable) but you can at least have empathy to think about what you said/did later or then and go 😬... i think I f'd up... that was not kind at all. You know? They have no introspection, they never walk away from a conversation wondering anything about it after. It's like they checked a box and they're done, but they're the manager and the employee lol. You don't exist this entire time!!

[@EWAMILENAP]

Selective memory, selective meanness, selective cruelty - the narcissistic brain is selectively developed. It lacks empathy, remorse, responsibility and other values that make a difference between a predator and a human being.

[@cindytrayer4279]

You literally can’t EVER have a differing opinion, if so, then the paranoia and victim mentality then rage comes out. How many times I’ve heard “you’re never on my side” or that I’m just voicing a different opinion on purpose, just to purposely go against him. They’re insane and impossible to communicate with. And extremely mean. Exhausting. Recently went no contact, blocked his calls and messages.

[@sturobertson6791]

Agreed Cindy. Well put. The phrase to me was... "you're always sticking up for them...." After I'd mentioned a neighbour or friend in a TOTALLY harmless normal day to day situation.. And it wasn't said nicely..

[@vickioliver1098]

or why are you always defending everyone else.

[@Dj.D25]

I remember one woman I talked to a couple of years ago got upset when I tried showing her someone who was was knowledgeable in relationship/marriage advice. She felt the expert she listened to was the only one worth listening to, even though I tried to explain its good to listen to a wide variety of perspectives. I have questioned if she’s a narcissist since she gaslit me, mocked me, even said she’s a good catch yet struggled with being single a long time, thought of moving to find a husband.

[@threefreaksonaleash6619]

Exactly! It is insanity and crazy-making for their victims.

[@eaglessoar6830]

Yes, or "You're always attacking me" or "Don't compare me to other people"

[@lynnfincham6839]

If you challenge they punish you with selective everything 😏

[@ashleykathryn9038]

Spot on! They keep score for everything

[@vivisimonvi]

"Unfinished business" is the story of their lives.

[@randy_cbc8811]

These are just sick and dangerous people. Period. One has to come to terms with that, and try to avoid these difficult people.

[@z1z2z3z]

"You don't fit my mold." "Why, no I don't- thank you for noticing- & I never will!"

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Bingo!

[@z1z2z3z]

@@SurvivingNarcissism You're awesome Dr C!

[@ladennayoung2939]

I mean, they absolutely hate for you to think for yourself and to speak up against things that aren't right.

[@druchampion-payne1489]

My narcissistic mother-in-law has been losing her *mind* because she's not allowed to call me anymore and she's resorting to all sorts of manipulative tactics to pull me back in, but I will not budge--not ever! For 35 years I've put up with her narcissistic abuse out of duty and love for my husband but at a very steep cost to my mental health. This woman has said and done some of the most hurtful things, they would blow your mind. And for 35 years I've given her one huge pass after another, only to find myself being verbally & emotionally abused more often as time went on; plus, with age she became even meaner. So last March my husband FINALLY decided to call his mom (on his own) and he told her not to call me anymore, to only call him. That was 9 months ago, and since then she has tried everything to change my mind, but I will NEVER change my mind. I know that if I start talking to her again that she will take the opportunity to abuse me again, and I suspect that she will need to draw blood next time because she's so angry at me for going no contact with her. She's cried on the phone to my husband, told him he's "weak" for not making me talk to her, called her daughters to put pressure on me. And she keeps ignoring my husband's request NOT to talk about it anymore, she won't let-go of her need to talk to me. He keeps saying, "Mom, lets put this to rest", but she won't. You see, she lives in another state, so the only way to have contact with me is to call me up, but her number is blocked. And I haven't flown out to see her in years. Last time I went to visit her she took me aside and told me everything she never liked about me--that was 9 years ago. I just want to enjoy my husband and our life together and I have NO need to be "friends" with someone like her. She doesn't even like me, so why does she need to talk to me? Exactly! She only wants to talk to me so she can continue abusing me. It's like she's having withdrawals, or something. Honestly, I'm enjoying watching her feel out of sorts for a change since she tortured me for years. If she's feeling bad, then good. She brought this on herself.

[@noticeyourneighbor8649]

Exactly!!!!

[@angelaraesutherland]

I feel for you. It’s SO horrible to be in. Please take care of YOU.

[@maryhatleymeyer]

I completely relate to your situation. Your MIL sounds exactly like my partner of 13 years’ adult daughter. She ridiculously sees herself as the victim because you refuse to be her victim anymore! Like taking the injured bird away from the cat, and pity the cat who lost its’ plaything!

[@karenbonnici6204]

Good for you.

[@lizzyschmidt8429]

Good for you! Take back your life 🌺🌺

[@cymbolichuman433]

It's because they know you well enough to effectively hurt you. This is why I learned from past videos, do not confide in people freely.

[@Pixelpioneer865]

They are too demanding, controlling and lack empathy.

[@andy.hello.6602]

Putting others down to build themselves up.

[@mareeamor3596]

I always think it must be so difficult being the narcissist, constantly finding fault, criticising, belittling, insulting, being angry etc. which really demonstrates their inner turmoil. Thanks Dr C. for reminding me of the "backwards compliment" concept which I will accept any day!

[@RoyalMetal9]

Yes. They are a miserable lot.

[@ruthpearsall2618]

“Having a firmness about who YOU are”. That’s so true, so key and really the Holy Grail of dealing with narcissists everywhere. That’s your shield against their nonsense.

[@jenamirgholi6004]

praise God

[@chickennugget6233]

I firmly believe that is one of the only ways out of this! And you don't have to start that way either. I don't think any of us have! That's why we ended up here in the first place. But man... once you figure it out, whoosh

[@msredcurtains]

True!!!

[@victoriaholland7301]

Needed to read that. Maybe today will have such crap thrown at me.

[@mqua4610]

They are like lions who wait in the weeds, quiet and holding court, but ready to pounce when they see a weakness in someone(s). Then they jab at the person(s) with sarcastic words or hateful words. They do this especially when they know there will be people there to laugh at their “brilliant” mockery or join in on the terrorizing of the victim(s).

[@gwensavoie4877]

Oh yes mine lit our home on fire to collect ins money.. then tried it again in house rental.. slashed my tires when trying to leave.. steals things from me that i like or need.. or wil break or damage my nice things in the home lust goes on n on... truly disgusting people sorry animals... the worst!!!

[@mattdonna9677]

Agreed. I had this done to me, trying to ridicule and degrade me in public when she has an audience. I don't go anywhere in public with her now and will not go anywhere with her in a vehicle because it is a trap where she can rant, rave, and scream at me. What a nut she is, I'm moving out this coming spring. Life is too short to tolerate the cruelty of another.

[@mattdonna9677]

@@gwensavoie4877 same here Gwen, things stolen, destroyed, or disappeared

[@flybyorb6858]

Same, things went missing, & other stuff damaged / vandalized. Wish someone would speak more on these aspects of the disgusting criminal crazy making that they do.

[@mqua4610]

@@flybyorb6858 Exactly. I wish there were videos exactly on this topic.

[@sturobertson6791]

Sitting here feeling grateful to everyone who has contributed here. Spent 5 hours reading all your words (yeah, I know.......) Every single contribution helps in some way or other....everyone's intention is to share and offer support. Every comment, every reply, everyone here, and Doc C,.... I am very grateful. Life has become better, healthier and happier Thank you all. . 🙏☀️☀️☀️🙏

[@Natalie82170]

Bless you, Stu : )

[@sturobertson6791]

@@Natalie82170 and you Natalie🙏☀️🙏

[@amandaliverpool3374]

✌❣🙏

[@marieldavison5121]

Right back at you Stu ~ you're right where you belong here on TH.😉

[@sturobertson6791]

@@marieldavison5121 👍😊Cheers Mariel. That's the sort of words I'm talking about!!! Makes me get off my butt and start looking after myself!! Thank you🙏☀️🙏

[@Mistinguette287]

The craziest thing is that you get used to this meanness, before you know it you even learn to participate by laughing or saying mean things in return :( Even if it feels so bad inside. When you step out long enough from these relationships you just realize there is no limit to this meanness. Selective meanness helps to cover their tracks. You'll always find someone saying : "Oh that's odd, they are so kind to me, my parents, the bus driver..." bla-bla-bla Thanks Dr Carter for sharing this content and members, comments are just as helpful.

[@LiveforHim73]

Recently met a person that has been treated very nice by our family narcissist.

[@mattdonna9677]

Not me. I will never be comfortable with someone so cruel. She is insane and I refuse to engage with her cruelty toward me. I guess most other people take the path of least resistance and just go with the flow.

[@dnwitte]

Which is why I came to the realization that I really didn't like myself when I was around my narc, and HAD to go no-contact to get my sweet self back!

[@rhamm2469]

Kind to everyone outside - they are like “oh he’s SO nice !” 🤮

[@truthtriumphant]

@@rhamm2469 Yep exactly!

[@playalot8513]

"When someone shows you their real self, believe them" - this sums it up.

[@janebethshimon]

She is my sibling. I had her over a few weeks ago. The script never changes. She asked if I loved my cat. I answered, but that is a mean question. Of course I love my cat. Don't I??? I hate these people. They scramble my brain and leave me with a ton of inner turmoil and interior tension of my own. Oh, I forgot: they're pitiable. Thank you, Dr. C. Hi, Gus!!!

[@NeonCicada]

The best we can do with that is learn how to process our own thoughts and emotions -- as we accept full responsibility for our own inner well being. ~(that alone is an incredible source of personal empowerment because YOU'RE the only person that can mess with it)~ _We might not be able to choose the way we feel about something -- but we can always choose the way we respond to the way we feel about something._

[@eaglessoar6830]

Here's one I got from a Narc 'friend'; "Does your cat have a water dish?" I let that question hurt my brain for 2 weeks. They steal your time and pull you into their hall of mirrors confusion ride all the while snickering to themselves about how 'clever' they are. I can hear the crazy clown music playing as think back to this. They are unhealthy for regular humans to be around. Life is so very peaceful when we say goodbye and steer clear of them.

[@lisamariesmith3610]

I go through that too with my sister I keep her at arms length now. They can make you miserable after five minutes and I let it affect me for hours after.

[@truthtriumphant]

@@eaglessoar6830 Yep exactly! They are very unhealthy for regular humans to be around!

[@arenee118]

I went no contact with my sister because the abuse left me anxious and paranoid. That was in June 2020. Best thing I ever did.

[@theperfectautumn8781]

Geez, that's an understatement..."they don't like to have discussions."

[@debrasullenberger1917]

I've known too many narcissists all my life. I have radar for them now. As soon as I detect someone is one I turn around and run the other way!

[@rebeccajohnson7864]

One popular saying about narcissist "once you know, you go".

[@kisigma1011]

Facts

[@lynettevanrooyen2572]

I am living with my 47 year old son. I am his target, and I desperately need to put much distance between us ASAP🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@valeriethompson3225]

Similar situation here...I hope you have found your way out.

[@freeandfabulous4310]

The meanness is self serving. My father was a hero to his nieces, got lots of praise and an abuser to me being close to him. You’re right Dr C I needed to be silenced. He berated me, humiliated me, name called, raged on me my entire childhood till I left. I did challenge him and was a lot more assertive. It’s like we all lived in two different worlds with him. I was always baffled by why he hates me so much! Now I know! Forever grateful for the clarity.

[@sll110]

me too, my mom is horrible Narcissist

[@jwhite5396]

During the holidays, my dad would put on a show for extended family members. But as soon as they left, he would stomp off to his room. No more mister nice guy. I wonder if extended family sensed anything was off with him. On normal days he wouldn’t look at or talk to us. He should’ve never been a father.

[@marieldavison5121]

Dad was violent. All us kids ever heard was "what happens in this house stays in this house". Oh yes he was aware of how he would be judged by outsiders. I got out at 16. It was the only way.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad to be on the journey with you! Keep leaning forward!

[@marieldavison5121]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Are you sure you're not from Georgia Dr C?? Cause I think you are just a PEACH!🍑 🥰🥰🐶Gussy🥰🥰

[@lorenconey5635]

The narcissist looked into the abyss and it smiled back.....

[@Cat-oj4oz]

You know, things went from bad to worse when my n-mom noticed I was becoming an attractive teenager...somehow, I went from being her child to being her rival (in her mind) ... of course, her feelings were exacerbated by my n-dad's leering attention. At a time when I was unsure of how my teen years would go, I had zero support and things got really ugly between them, too... and I was sent away. Years of therapy and narcissism videos have at long last convinced me of my own value.... and I have raised my sons to believe they are loved and valued; the narc cycle stops with me, and it is my finest accomplishment, thanks to learning and growing. I am so grateful for wise direction...

[@amberinthemist7912]

The explosion of jealousy from my mom when I got out of my awkward phase was shocking. I didn't understand it. She went about purposely destroying my self esteem with my older sisters help.

[@bubbapants4689]

Sounds like my experience, it's been impossible for me to understand how I could have a seemingly loving mother for the first 10 years of my life turn into the meanest bully I could imagine in the latter part of my life. I am 33 and still struggle with this.

[@caratgamer6145]

The amount of illogic they (my narc wife) have is just blowing my mind. Everything she does in last 2 years is so illogic that it hurt me physically. That selective meanness hurts a lot, especially when you are experiencing their charm, and 'goodness' towards others. Even simple hello said to your neighbour or cat is calm, playful etc. and you are getting that full of hate 'hi' (if they notice you at all...). That hurts.

[@lou1880]

This is exactly right. My mom is a grandiose narcissist to people she meets - gregarious, full of herself - and a vulnerable narc - passive-aggressive, self-pitying - to her family. Why? Because we know her too well and she can't impress us. Glad to see Dr. Carter put these two characteristics together.

[@florencia2771]

We must be siblings….. my mom is 💯 like this

[@thehotcoffeehouse6081]

@@florencia2771 triplet here...100 % as well, abusive narc mother described to a perfect tee!!

[@Joemar4]

Quadruplets!! - My mom 1000%

[@florencia2771]

@@Joemar4 For the first 30 years of my life (at least what I remember) I had horrible mood swings. Turns out the mood swings were complex ptsd. I know because after doing therapy, Internal Family Systems, specially; I no longer have these mood swings. Having a narcissist parent is devastating and it changes your brain chemistry. This is something that many people who have normal parents do do want to acknowledge, but there is hope and healing with the right therapist.

[@AZDC99]

I weathered the storm of the Flying Monkey siblings attacking me fighting back and I no longer talk to them anymore. THANK GOD!

[@twoplustwoequalsfour48]

So many suffer from the fallout of this

[@momoffive5606]

When I finally broke down and told my mom, sobbing, how much she hurts me with her behavior, about two weeks later she let me know in a lighthearted voice that she had taken all my photos down from around her house because she didn't want to see my face. The saddest part is that I felt ashamed for about a week before the hurt and pain came through.

[@kathiemihindukulasuriya1538]

I am so sorry that your Mom treats you this way. Please know it is NOT you. I hope you will find happier and healthier relationships to enrich your life.

[@JennyverseLive]

I'm so sorry, this is just awful.

[@melaw5]

I am so sorry that this happened to you. My narc husband did the same thing to me and our grown, out of the house children. There are now no pictures of any family members in our home because he can't stand to look at them. He thinks we are all such disappointments, but the truth is we are human beings who sometimes make mistakes and also who just have different priorities and beliefs than he does. Try not to take it personally. I know how hollow that advice sounds, but it's true. It's completely about them and their own misery, which you did not cause.

[@evad9752]

That is horrible. What an abusive toad for an exciuse of a mother. This is all about her and none about you. She is a dud for a mother. Hopefully you have some healthy non family members you can talk to

[@peacerun]

I am so sorry. I have been through similar just because I tried to tell her in a gentle way how I feel about her cruelty. Now I”m no longer invited to family holiday dinners, and no birthday card or acknowledgment of any kind except phone calls when she needs a ride somewhere.

[@wissn2112]

When they have ranted on you. Any point they can't deflect. They say oh shut up or drop it. Blame you for trying to resolve anything. If that doesn't work. They make innuendo and or threats to cause more reaction to blame you for.

[@tbunnyshy1]

This will be a good one! Its the same tool as selective “kindness”. They get a “reaction” of sorts from us. It reminds me of a movie that says ‘One person is the head of the house, but the other is the neck (so to speak), and it can move the head any way it wants.’ They need you angry or fawning for them.

[@bereal6590]

Yes, the fawning.... learnt that as a kid. I now resent anything sickly sweet where there is a pretense of good and wonderful because for me I had to pretend all was lovely and do the fawn to get accepted and 'loved'. Going outside the box got the contempt and passive aggression. My father was overtly aggressive and frightening but I now realise my mom did the most damage In her attempt to make everything look good and sugary. Even now I know very well not to reject a gift or something, else the rejection comes. She even remembers things she bought that I didn't like when I was 12!! She is now 80. Gifts don't make up for a lifetime of psychological abuse and loss of self and is justanother form of control. They always want to 'look' good...... its a challenge trusting my own judgement ✌

[@nomadame333]

@@bereal6590 if it looks too good, it ain't true

[@mspeeps9634]

I remember that saying from My Big Fat Greek Wedding. The wife said her husband was the head of the family, so he made the decisions. But she knew how to approach him with a situation to get the answer she wanted. She referred to herself as the neck that turns the head.

[@bereal6590]

@@nomadame333 ID agree

[@tbunnyshy1]

@@bereal6590 I hear you and I deeply relate. ❤️

[@marknolan2799]

Thanks Dr. C for your valuable information. As Seneca would say, "The unexpected blows land heaviest." Once you know what you are dealing with, you realize it's nothing you can't handle.

[@lynnfincham6839]

In every respect it’s not a relationship you want to be a part of 🙈

[@izawaniek2568]

I am moving on towards much healthier alternatives. Narcisists feel miserable and demand others to join them. No way. Thank you dr Carter.

[@ZarpeParadise]

Thank you for speaking on an issue I just recently experienced. I was ghosted as "punishment". You and Gus are such a delight. Thank you for being here!💕✌🌴

[@maxineboxer9714]

So was I. It’s pretty awful.

[@Rose-dl6xg]

I was ghosted recently as well. It's a blessing for me, for when I'm ready to go silent perminitly

[@iononcantomascrivo]

​@@Rose-dl6xg isn't ironic how they think they are punishing you but they're actually doing you a great service by no longer intruding your life with their dumpster fire of an existence? It happened to me with a former friend of mine. She gave me the silent treatment but I turned around and cut her off completely: blocked her on everything and changed my cell phone number. So when she didn't get the inevitable reaction of me trying to track her down to win her back, as she would put it, she came looking for me and saw that I took back my life. She flipped out. Mind you, she was in her 50s, had two grown children and was a grandmother. I later heard from a mutual friend, who I was fortunately able to wake up to what a toxic waste of space our former friend is, that she threw a tantrum that would have embarrassed her then-toddler grandson. It's pretty sad.

[@Rose-dl6xg]

@@iononcantomascrivo Wow, you went thru a lot with that woman!! Yet finally you mustard the courage, to overcome the fear, to focus on yourself to have a much better life, you must know you deserved!! Congradulations on that Victory!! I'm sooo grateful for these video camunnitys, we can go to, where we can connect to others like ourselves that have been thru the wringer!! God bless you lo non canto!!

[@manapeace]

I set a simple and reasonable boundary request with a new friend. 1. she ghosted me (narcissistic pullback pattern to get her way) 2. I asked why and she denied it. 3. another week of ghosting while posting on social media. 4. I blocked her without explanation. Thanks to channels like this, my narc radar is working much better now.

[@yukio_saito]

My ex-coworker became super vindictive after I exposed how toxic he is to other members. Things got chaotic so I ran away from the workplace.

[@marylourodriguez9227]

Oh my! Even when they're dying,!!!! Cannot believe it!!!!!

[@5smoothstonesproject740]

They are a very miserable person. They are extremely tormented. The application of knowledge is power. Slectiveness meanness is only towards the one who knows toooo much like a spouse. Nobody would not believe me if I told them of this chronic manipulative abuse. But Dr. C., I am saddling my horse.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Best wishes to you.

[@anniegarrett3242]

Train wrecks who lack tenderness, empathy, compassion.

[@Panbaneesha]

This was exactly what I needed today. After decades I finally (over the past several years) learned to recognize the narcissism in my family. First it was my older sister which I cut contact with. It took me a while longer to see it in my father and even worse in my mother. I told them I don't want any contact over Christmas/New Year's Eve, and Christmas has always been a big deal for my mother (and a traumatic one for me). These last days I struggled a lot with guilt because I'm sure she'll be sitting at home crying how she's the victim and I'm being so mean etc. And then my father too will be laying the blame for my mother feeling bad at my feet, of course. The usual pattern. Thank you for reminding me that my mother is the perfect, charming hostess, friendly, helpful person and all-around lovely character only as long as an "outside" person is present. Totally different picture when the nuclear family is on its own. I'm quite an empathic person, but I seriously need to dial that down with people that treat me like shit.

[@veronicafadel8693]

Stay strong💪🏼💝

[@Panbaneesha]

@@veronicafadel8693 Thank you, you too. 🤗

[@vickioliver1098]

struggling a little with the guilt here also, but last few year's memories are still fresh and not worth going through it again for me. 😵‍💫

[@apaintedflower605]

Definitely stay strong - is the same way in my family. No one on the "outside" ever thought poorly of my mother. We suffered every single family holiday. It's caused legacies of pain in each of us six girls. Upon any type of re-entry into our lives - because of death, her needing something from one or a few of us (financially or medically), the same exact behavior resumed almost immediately. The abuse she heaped on us all was different, too. It was like we each had a version of her that she exposed in private and it was so emotionally damaging. I'm in therapy and manage unreal anxiety when other narcissists in my life expose themselves, namely my ex husband and ex friend of over 20 years. It'll always hurt, but I did my best and still hope that she one day finds peace. But it won't be with me in her life. Too much damage and manipulation. Enjoy the holiday season and peace be with you all.

[@sll110]

me too

[@echopathy]

When you confront them with what bothers you, it becomes fuel for the fire. They'll do the exact opposite in effort to provoke a reaction. If you call them out on that provocation, it's easy enough for them to deny. It's the perfect cancer for society.

[@bcampbell1826]

The term I am aware of is called " Reactive Abuse ". I also found someone calling it Poke, Prode, & Provoke. When they get a reaction from us that's their winning moment.

[@maryhatleymeyer]

Yes, if you know too much about who they really are, it’s a disruption to the fake persona they’re trying to put out for everyone else’s consumption. Better to just ground you down into oblivion, and cry out that they are the victim! 😢

[@twoplustwoequalsfour48]

We cant call a narcissist a narcissist! They have to see it on their own if there is a chance for them to see! They don’t want to be healed They don’t want to become better in a real way

[@bcampbell1826]

No contact is the best way to deal with the "Emotional Vampires"

[@mandyhoskin4]

Thank you. That's my homework: creating distance. Tricky but necessary.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You can do it!

[@lynbarker3828]

Well well well. So there it is. At least a part of why my husband was threatened by me and me only. It's only I who gets ignored, discounted as irrelevant while the world sings his praises. I'm too close to his faults and we all know narcs hate to be exposed. Dr C. Keep doing this until your dying breath. I honor you ❤️

[@rubyburnside2913]

And that's the cold hard truth they don't want to be exposed. I also am the only one the narc is doing this too and everybody else is believing him

[@ingrid3578]

My mom was just like you. He was nasty and abusive to all of us but my mom bore the brunt of it for our sake. He DESPISED that woman. The rage and loathing he would throw her way was appalling. I never understood what exactly she did to cause him to hate her so much. But now I know it’s because she’s the emotional punching bag, the one he thinks deserves all the bad things in the world because it’s her who is his narcissistic supply, it’s her who sees all his flaws and sees him for the imposter that he is. Narcissists can survive only on supply, which is the person or people who help them maintain this false self they have going on. The supplier validates them, holds up their fragile ego, prevents them from collapsing. Narcissists absolutely despise having to rely on anyone but they can’t function without people, so that’s why they have immense hatred for the supplier. They are projecting all the shame and insecurity on them. I really hope the best for you. My mom is exactly like you.

[@amuddymoose]

Yup, we know who they REALLY are and they hate that.

[@sunbeagle9769]

Selected and elected to offer up free room and board, free homemade meals, free beverages, changes the programmed settings on the furnace thermostat, and never a thank you when he decides to leave. . . . . my brother.

[@shelley7975]

They don't understand gratitude due to their sense of entitlement. They also have very short memories unless it's something they want credit for. Take it from someone who got burned by her sister and never saw it coming, tell him no next time. Cut him loose.

[@marieldavison5121]

@@shelley7975 I second that.

[@flyingeaglewoman8682]

After years of being the family scapegoat- I’m now done. It’s not very popular. So now I’m “self isolating” - another way to demean and it’s not working. I’m not responsible for how another person interprets my choices and preferences, especially if they don’t ask for clarity - why I have my perspectives and preferences. These folks have decided to define my “why’s” and define me. I find this be an extremely arrogant and haughty attitude. A rude awakening awaits… and it’s not going to be coming from me. Take care and stay safe everyone.

[@aronhighgrove4100]

Thank for mentioning this point, people judging you but not asking for clarity. They just want to give opinions and get angry when you talk back.

[@melaw5]

Good for you. Stay strong.

[@flyingeaglewoman8682]

@@melaw5 thank you. I’m no spring chicken- took me a long time, many trials (and tears) to find this solid place of peace.

[@taniathomas7353]

I became friends with a lady at work and she would say bad things about all of the other teachers, administrators, etc and I started believing her and looked at them differently! Turns out she was just very insecure and thought everyone was out to get her! She would call me every night after to work to talk about these people at work, but she said the next time we’d talk it’ll be about something different and not them! She was very controlling and manipulative. I realize she baited me into different conversations to find out my personal business. She always used God/Religion as a means to connect because she knew I was trying to get closer to God! She claims that God brought her into my life! It was all a lie!

[@indiesindie1984]

I think I know her. 🤔

[@playalot8513]

Yikes, you need to back away from this relationship fast, but be smart about this. Start being unavailable for vague but friendly reasons and slowly start weaning yourself from her. She will turn on you if you make an obvious break away from her, so be smart! Do not let her sabotage your career.

[@taniathomas7353]

@@playalot8513 I’ve already weaned myself from her. Maybe I made the mistake of telling her that I need to distance myself for awhile! She automatically assumed it’s because someone put something in my ear about her and she demanded to know why! I told her Goodnight and hung up the phone! I don’t even walk past her classroom anymore and I go the opposite direction!

[@daringgreatly8473]

@@taniathomas7353 pls pay attention about how other start treating you now that your distanced yourself. This lady may start a smear campaign against you since you broke it off with her. They all do this! If you start noticing people treating you odd please be assertive and kindly ask, “are you okay? Did I do something?” Force the lies out to the open so you can stand up for yourself. Unfortunately I didn’t do this because I assumed things would fix on its own, but it only got worse. It’s a social game with them so make sure you keep taking the high road even if they try to make you look crazy. Your healthy consistency will out shine their drama in time. The good news is many people probably already know how this person is.

[@taniathomas7353]

@@daringgreatly8473 Thank you so much! I will keep an eye out.

[@kellycrawford7283]

Thank you so very much Dr Carter. I have been married to a covert narcissistic woman for over 14yrs. I have suffered much indignity and had almost lost myself. Now I understand enough that I recognize the plays. I feel empowered and can make sense of things again. I’m very grateful.

[@faithworks217]

I've had to deal with narcissists, and I have to deal with narcissism in myself, to repent of being self-centred. My ex was an alcoholic and he fooled around on me, but the problems in our marriage were not entirely on his side. Of all the people in my life who had toxic personalities, the worst ones were my father and an ex-boyfriend. It was easy to understand why my father went that way. His mother died in childbirth when he was seven. There were six kids in the family, including a little girl who survived the birth, though her twin died. She had a heart defect, so she was given into the care of wealthy relatives who could afford her medical expenses, while my grandfather returned to England with his sons, kept the oldest with him, put the youngest in care of relatives, and placed my father and two of his brothers in a convent orphanage for boys. My father was very bitter that wealthy relatives in the US offered to raise him, but his father refused their offer. To top it off, the nuns in that convent were cruel. My father grew up mad at God for his mother's death, angry at his father because he felt rejected when he was put in the orphanage, and he hated women because of those mean nuns. He was an alcoholic and violent. Thankfully, he didn't raise me. My mother left him when I was 2 1/2. The boyfriend was a very popular, charismatic person. I was 17 and he was 21. He treated me like crap as soon as he realized I was hooked on him. It was his MO, to get women hooked on them, then mistreat them as revenge for his wife leaving him for another man. I think he probably mistreated that wife and it is no wonder that she left him. He chased after a lot of women, but the only ones he ever fancied he was in love with were those who were not impressed with him, or stopped being impressed with him, and refused to go out with him anymore. Eventually, I had enough clues to figure out where his narcissism started. Sexual abuse when he was a little boy, and his mother turned a blind eye to it. No excuse for how he treated other people, but it explained his aberrations. Knowing how much it hurts to be abused, it is all the more reason why one should not abuse others, especially those who are completely innocent of having participated in abusing the narcissist.

[@jds6964]

I am 59 years old and only now have I figured out that my mother is narcissist. This is exactly how my mother acts. I wish that I had known about this years ago. I would have such a better childhood and adult life. I have finally decided to now only call her on her birthday and Christmass. I have no more reasons as to why to visit her anymore.

[@emotown1]

It’s odd that our entire legal framework, civil rights etc, is based on the Enlightenment views of basic equality between all people, regardless of class, gender, race, education. And then along comes a narcissist.

[@lisab7977]

I’ve experienced all of the examples. I can’t leave because my kids will believe his lies and I’m afraid to lose them in order to be free from the biggest a hole in the world. 😥

[@LeahIsHereNow]

Thank goodness I don’t really have any vulnerable spots anymore. I believe in myself, and nobody will ever ever ever take that away from me again. If they don’t like me, that’s their problem. I certainly don’t go around trying to knock other people down, and I think anybody who tries to do it to me was never worth my time anyway. See… It’s a catch 22… I don’t care what narcissists think of me. I don’t care what really anybody thinks of me because I’m good with me. Pretty easy once you figure it out.

[@sll110]

Great, ne too

[@nancymorris3286]

Amazing, isn't it? Drives them nuts when you just don't care!

[@gwensavoie4877]

Oh YES ! Im the same i always say "i love me" sorry about you!!! Lol great way to be!

[@colleengiese]

To everyone here: i love you because you are human. 💙

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So kind!

[@sallylibby8254]

Not only mean but absolutely ridiculous, juvenile and pathetic. I showed him the gorgeous father of the puppy I was getting. He said “He looks like a loser.” Unbelievable.

[@NanLisaS]

This describes my husband exactly! I know too much about the “real him” that he throws his meanness my way.

[@steadypace1262]

Narcissists are charmers and harmers nice one minute and mean the next, don't react to them when they do their switch just think "not worth it" and quietly walk away. Leave them hanging in the air while you regain your peace of mind.🕊

[@mommaboombam3764]

Your mind is very precious. Life is like a tight rope. Balance the mind and you can walk across and make it safely and with a solid sound mind.

[@kennethlapointesongwriter3330]

Imo a full-blown narc can cross previously uncrossed boundaries into the realm of criminality---mental and emotional abuse can be a crime; gaslighting with actual crimes such as toxic substances or liquids, toxic fumes, etc. No longer just mind games. Some are probably steps away from a sociopath or psychopath if they think the target 'deserves' it. After all, no conscience, no remorse, no sense of right or wrong other than it serves their purpose are dangerous in an otherwise intelligent human being.

[@whendays659]

The "fixed script" and "apologist" language was very helpful. Ty.

[@faithworks217]

My stepfather was very self-centred and controlling. His mother was a tiny woman, but bossy. His father was gentle and kind, an INFJ. He had a tendency to hide or run away from tension. I think my Dad perceived his father as weak and his mother as strong, so he employed her methods of control. When I was in my forties, he told me that, when he was a little boy of nine years old, there were some puppies that the family could not afford to keep. His mother sent him out to the barn to chop off their heads. He said it really bothered him when he did it to the first puppy, but after that he didn't have a problem with it. That told me volumes about how he turned out as an adult. What a horrible thing to require of a child! If she thought that was the best way to deal with unwanted puppies, she should have done it herself, if she couldn't get her husband to do it. No wonder my stepfather was insensitive to children's emotional needs.

[@Anne-ih3jm]

My narcissistic sister is so hateful when she communicates with me. . It’s shocking! And of course if I say or do anything she doesn’t like, I get the silent treatment for days, weeks, months, and years.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That's truly sad. She must carry a great amount of inner pain. But instead of addressing it, she displaces it.

[@phil562]

The re-framing in this video is helpful. I'd like to see more videos about recovering from decades of exposure to a narcissist. Every time I watch these videos, they describe my wife perfectly. Unfortunately, I see also that 30 years of exposure to her meanness has changed me for the worse. I'm in counseling now for anger, which I have now under control. In the recent past, I would explode when her meanness would appear. Now I ask "do you need to talk to me with that tone?". Now, on this journey, I'm looking for help to get rid of the anger and meanness I accidentally learned from her. People, get counseling, don't just rely on these videos.

[@suesipp2575]

They know just what they are doing! They keep you stuck in your weakness! Your body will become ill and your blessing will stop! All of life will go down and down! I held on in private my light within, and got the courage to break away. And it's taking me four years of deep healing of my inner being. Im slowly getting myself out there, exposing me again.. but this time without all those blocks from abuse. Now i got me, and can feel the energy of another who wants to hurt you.

[@dacisky]

The last time my narcissistic cousin yelled at me and told me what I was not allowed to do,I just stared at her like she had 3 heads. It will be really interesting to see what she does when she has found out I have done one of the things she forbid me to do like she thinks she owns me.

[@davidJohnsonguitarguy]

Trying to talk to a narcissist is like trying to talk to a lion. Don't make any sudden moves and stay calm.

[@philliptaylor6021]

I often find the selective meanness is integrated into the strategy of triangulation. They solicit others to become complicit in their selective meanness. Over time, a person might notice that there is always SOMEONE on the hot seat with a narcissist.

[@demondogmom7221]

When anyone tells you that you're too good for them.... believe them.

[@lisadee9749]

This is so true Dr. C. I am my parents only target. I may need to vomit when another person tells me how sweet my mother is.

[@DrMoorehen]

Agreed! But difficult if that person is an ageing, miserable parent....

[@2009jadeorchid]

narcissists don't think objectively they can't relate to maybe someone doesn't like what they do they live in a subjective world of delusion of everyone has to join their insanity and live in it with them when they are mean they cannot understand the pain they caused they dismiss other people's pain this video is awesome! got me thinking about how they already have closed all of rational real deep communication makes me go into complete self protection mode

[@kerinorton-blanks6193]

I’ve learned one thing. You will never truly know anything when it comes to them. You just have to know yourself and your value and keep yourself strong. They don’t like to be known, but they don’t like you knowing yourself either, being insecure is a huge attraction for narcissistic people. The less challenging you are to manipulate and control the better. You can’t change or help them because their set on their ways. The best action to take if you have to deal with one and can’t walk away is to find your own strength and peace of mind. Their goal and your goal will never be the same. Their focus is one track, their is no fork in the road. The more you try to fix them, help them or combat them the stronger they get the meaner they get and the weaker you get. It’s just not worth loading their mental cannon. Focus on you. It’s possible. I didn’t realize I grew up in a narcissistic situation as a kid until I married a narcissist. It gave me the power to fix and heal myself to know. I’m not interested in fixing them, I learned their happy being whatever they have come to believe they are.

[@brienscotto]

This guy is great. I've watched about 5 of his videos, and he's spot on in explaining the narcissist, in a loving healing way. I can handle my narcissist now. And I am moving from my narcissistic neighbor even though I have a great apartment, in a great location. I love myself too much now to stay. I will be taken care of once I get away.

[@scota73]

My husband lets his daughter scream and rage at us. He doesn’t say no because he hates dealing with her rages. I’m done with her and her kids. I may soon be done with him.

[@katthompson3852]

A question person A asked person B. A- why would somebody put a scratch down the side of a new Mustang? B- to level the playing field, and... no matter how much you've got or who you are... you can't stop me from doing this. That just says it all! Mean spirited control freak that doesn't care who they hurt. As long as it makes them feel better. Total toddler with no EQ development.

[@panfried7566]

When I asked her to show gentleness and kindness, she scoffed and showed her hypocrisy (she's chirstian, duh). I really never thought about it this way that I was "accusing" her and coming down on her case. but come to think of it, she just cannot be viewed as less-than-perfect. I didn't know that I "knew" too much. hence the meanness. thanks, Dr. C.

[@nancymorris3286]

@@LiveforHim73 I guess they missed the verse that God is love.

[@TommyKLG]

Wow! This is exactly my experience. I’m only just realising what’s been going on for years… 😫🤦🏼‍♂️

[@susanbaker3480]

This totally describes my daughter. Rich, beautiful, venomous. Please realize that narcissism is not necessarily caused by the parent. Our whole culture is reinforcing narcissism, especially of the rich and “beautiful people”.

[@TheLiquidCat]

"I'm a miserable person, and if I can make you more miserable than me, I win!" That small statement really clarifies a whole lot of their behaviour.

[@dhrlh]

My brother's wife is selectively nice to my grandmother, but not nice to me or my mom. At family events (even my grandfather's funeral) she put on a show, showing her best face to everyone. While I of course appreciate when she behaves herself, I know she is two-faced. It was traumatic for me that she was at the funeral, pretending to be this wonderful memory of the family, while she treats the daughter of the deceased like crap. I just wish my brother would open his eyes. I think she's trying to get something from my grandmother.

[@andresalvarez1732]

Empaths need to use selective meanness too. It could be akin to the 'tough love' that parents show to their children. I'm an INFJ Heyoka Empath and I've needed to be mean to people, narcissists and sociopaths or not, who with a sense of entitlement try to exploit my generosity and kindness and-or mistake my attributes for weaknesses they can take advantage of and trample over for their own benefits.

[@NeonCicada]

🙁 People never NEED to be mean -- they CHOOSE to be mean. Given your virtue signaling language it's clear that you believe yourself to be better than people with narcissistic or antisocial personality styles. So, if you WANT to be better than those people -- you need to ACT better than those people. Don't think just because someone is an empath, they can't also have narcissistic patterns or other toxic personality styles. _(because empaths can and many of us do)_ Using "selective meanness" says less about others...and more about you.

[@NeonCicada]

@@RN-gx7wt Your comment feels more destructive than constructive. I can be harsh sometimes but that honestly sounds like you were just trying to tear someone down...simply because you could. _My question to you being:_ WHY on earth should we care what you think? lmao

[@sll110]

@@RN-gx7wt he maybe, maybe not Empathy person, a deeply hurt Empathy can also angry, like meaness.

[@sll110]

@@NeonCicada maybe all misunderstandings, we can't judge so quickly

[@jeanetteshawredden5643]

@@RN-gx7wt spoken like a true narcissist

[@SandraMuller-vs8ck]

Absolutely hitting the nail on it’s head. Communication is the basic form of interaction but he was not cooperating. He will write giving me instructions as to what is next on the agenda. He is sighted driving down my street in a erratic fashion to give me an indication it was him. when he is sighted driving down my street several times a week, I observe him with other women. I have also sighted him in the shopping mall in hand clasped with another male individual. I feel very blessed to be on the outside. Thanks for this message. ❤

[@sylviaford3828]

Add in a bipolar sibling who is quick to slam you, it leaves you feeling pretty lonely.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Not a good combination!

[@kshaw9179]

Sorry that you have to deal with that.

[@annaosburn2776]

I keep looking for the situation where the sibling-in-law is the target of contempt and the sibling is protecting the narcissist, thereby damaging the marriage relationship. This is very close. I (the sibling) and my husband (the sibling-in-law) have learned a lot here and are grateful for the education!

[@lynnfincham6839]

I totally agree.. they most certainly are miserable 😂

[@oscarwilliamson1128]

Lynn Fincham,You look cute 🥰,Hope you are not with a narcissist….

[@zenfriend777]

This segment hit the nail on the head!!! Been studying narcissism for a couple years due to a sibling… these tips are so liberating. 😊

[@amynasir8413]

The narcissist ist most evil form of humans.

[@lesliewoolnough7871]

It starts small like your forgetful when you’re asked to do a task for them and they will repeat the task 4 times to keep teaching you to be forgetful so they can keep using that word to control you Forgetful the word becomes the trigger

[@privateinfo1711]

I was used to my narc mother's meanness. One day I was talking to a coworker and he told me he didn't like my mother. I said, "you don't know my mother". He said that she was mean to me. I was shocked. I thought this was normal behavior.

[@williamdillard8330]

This is true. I know where the bodies are hypothetically speaking. This is one reason my cousin is so nasty towards me. Well, he was nasty. We no longer speak. I held him accountable.

[@Dana-gj5hr]

When I first got married, my Narc parent would call so I’d put her on speaker phone, “We’re both here working in the kitchen”. She couldn’t come up with anything to say (while my spouse was present) except an exasperated, “Ugh, well call me back when you’re not busy.” She knew enough about her behavior to understand that sniping, insulting, and manipulation wasn’t going to look good in front of her new son-in-law . We are minimal contact. And spouse and I happily married >25 yrs.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

All that says she definitely knew what she was doing.

[@rebeccajohnson7864]

Great tactic I need to try for myself. They won't be nasty to you if they think someone else is listening. I can also add "no we can talk now there shouldn't be anything you need to say to me that my husband can't hear". Thanks for the inspiration.

[@danielledegeorge2129]

I knew it! I've seen too much and know too much. I always thought that was it, no one's ever said it aloud before so it would click. Thanks Dr. C!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're welcome!

[@Kristina-cw2do]

From my personal experience with the narcissists close to home in the past, they are really obvious because they can't help themselves so its easy to see right through them. The funny thing is is that it's easy to tell when they are nice just because they want something, critical or judgmental because of envy, behave vindictive from being cut off from contact because they are toxic, and burst into tears or fall apart because they are easy to shut down. They do like to take inventories, for lack of a better way of putting it, of people's lives for sure and they refuse to understand. There are no boundaries.

[@sandyw1891]

I think narcs just see that you are onto them or that you inadvertently show them what the narc is not (friendship, sibling, parent) - pretty much anyone who sees them for who they are. They sense it when you don't make excuses for them, therefore you don't enable their behavior.