Why Narcissists Use Selective Meanness

[@mightymouse1005]

They absolutely know what they do is wrong because they don't do it everywhere and around everyone. It's deliberate

[@mssocial9086]

Absolutely!! I used to wonder, but this is exactly how I know they know what they are doing.

[@TurinTurumba]

Oh yeah, they enjoy it, they are truly repulsive, disgusting human beings

[@damiencheeks6632]

Omg this is so true!!! When the pieces slide into place , you can't unsee it !!!!

[@MrKnutriis]

Yes, and they will have to leave you after they've been exposed. @@damiencheeks6632

[@ericwalters3426]

Yep thats your sign.

[@MrBDezno]

They're VERY sneaky. They won't reveal their meanness to everyone, but find moments to go on attack when no one else is there.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Dad is overtly narcissistic in my presence and covertly narcissistic in other's presences. He is a Jekyll-Hyde.

[@lisafowler7563]

That's so true

[@moerbesam7974]

Yes, this is so right on.

[@judimunro9279]

So many Jekyll-Hyde. It’s ALMOST fascinating. Almost.

[@misslippy8439]

Very true!

[@EWAMILENAP]

Selective memory, selective meanness, selective cruelty - the narcissistic brain is selectively developed. It lacks empathy, remorse, responsibility and other values that make a difference between a predator and a human being.

[@maryoleary5044]

They CHOOSE TO BULLY they CHOOSE TO IMTIMIDATE

[@shirleyguinyard8183]

All day everyday they do it to certain people that are close to them.

[@farmandprairie]

Choose not to enable it.

[@fred.k9875]

Narcissists are mean, their selectiveness is self serving.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So true, Fred.

[@marieldavison5121]

Yep and diabolical! They pick vulnerable victims.

[@steadypace1262]

Yep it's all about them, narcissists are the most selfish people on the planet.

[@pyarkaaloo]

@@marieldavison5121 💯💯 they pick vulnerable victims-i.e. ppl that have no voice, no power, no team of lawyers to defend them (when it is necessary).... Narcs are stalkers & bullies

[@gretchenbowers642]

Very much agree

[@vivisimonvi]

"Unfinished business" is the story of their lives.

[@leeboriack8054]

Their meanness can be sociopathic, as they enjoy it. A lot. It makes them feel empowered.

[@susanbrown6115]

Yep, that's why most of them would never stop.

[@ThePromisedLand2]

They are sadistic!

[@yvonnes7412]

It depends… I suspect there may be some narcissists that also cross into sociopath territory… but in general, narcissists aren’t fully aware of what they are doing because they lack empathy and are looking through their own lens of distortion. There is cognitive dissonance, too. The satisfaction you might see is because they view everything as a competition and they think they are “winning.” They can’t actually see or feel how much they are hurting you because that would make them feel ashamed and they can’t handle that. They are blocked. It’s a little different than a sociopath who sees the hurt and enjoys hurting someone. For the narcissist, it’s about winning and self-preservation with a blindness to other’s pain.

[@debbievoss3496]

Ok. That's it. I was the alert - the oldest child. I saw & heard enough to become the scapegoat. I knew too much & tried to call them out & then they tried to kill me.

[@debbievoss3496]

Woah, if I can make you feel more bad than I do, then I win. Their disregulated way.

[@Sheisme120]

The reason they think people are out to get them is because that’s how they themselves are to people.

[@janedoe5229]

I don't care how damaged a narcissist is, there is no reason to abuse other people.

[@kisigma1011]

Yo 💯🤝🏼😫

[@victoriaholland7301]

He tries to be charming outside of the house. I am his door mat at home.😅

[@Atom100183]

That's a true statement, but narcissists don't care until it happens to them. In my experiences men and women that are narcissistic are civil with people that are physically stronger or have a position of power that could effect their life. So to counter them with their tactics always let know they are not the higher power the moment they are met or when they show their signs. It worked, my mother's ex never put his hands on her out of fear of what I would do.

[@jordanferguson2254]

People who think they can't control themselves or don't know that what they're doing is wrong are delusional and coping so that they don't have to move on or cut them off. They always know. Watch how different they behave with everyone other than you or their chosen victim or scapegoat. Also compare how they were different when you just met. The goal is to not have any witnesses. It lets them be themselves and have nobody believe the victim. They know.

[@Kathleen5429]

@@victoriaholland7301 I thought so too until I was told he treated others at work the same way.

[@eyeoffthetiger2691]

Yes Narcissist are so competitive. So weird because they're thinking that YOU are in competition with them🤷🏿‍♀️

[@valeriehowden471]

My competitive narc sibling went out of country and spent tens of thousands of dollars on fertility treatments to try to have a second child right after I had my first baby. Never happy to be tied.

[@bonnieuptree5691]

I once said it was weird that I'd been with a man so much older than me, but now was with someone several years younger. "My" Hex blurted out that before me , his last relationship was with a 13 years old (He was 22 ) . My Nurse sister said she was mandated to report because that was Rape. He said no it wasn't because she was his girlfriend. Yuck. What a puke. Never wanted to be with him after that.

[@ladennayoung2939]

LOL. Yes. It's VERY weird AND annoying. They are really only in competition with themselves.

[@shirleyguinyard8183]

My malignant covert Narcissist husband

[@chickennugget6233]

Isn't this crazy? Like conflict resolution, wouldn't that mean you both are trying to figure something out? I totally understand having to grow and mature into that because you've been toxic yourself (🙋🏻‍♀️ hi lol) and didn't have any skills, but it'a the lack of EMPATHY stearing the ship!! It's like, you can make a 1000 mistakes (not that it is okay, safe, or excusable) but you can at least have empathy to think about what you said/did later or then and go 😬... i think I f'd up... that was not kind at all. You know? They have no introspection, they never walk away from a conversation wondering anything about it after. It's like they checked a box and they're done, but they're the manager and the employee lol. You don't exist this entire time!!

[@overit16]

"No one gets angrier than a guilty narcisstic".

[@annette-fl2uy]

Do they feel guilt?

[@AA-ct7cb]

They don’t want to look poorly to others.

[@jamesmartinez7220]

So true.

[@poloparker0420]

​@@annette-fl2uyonly shame

[@randy_cbc8811]

These are just sick and dangerous people. Period. One has to come to terms with that, and try to avoid these difficult people.

[@susansheldon2707]

I like that saying, "When someone shows you their real self, believe them." With narcs (and all other grown adults, as far as I'm concerned), that should mean no second chances following abusive treatment. By the time we're adults, our choices and actions are intentional, not because someone is "having a bad day" or made a mistake, as with immature children. I say never give the benefit of the doubt to proven cruel people. Period. Just call 'em as you see 'em, and get clear away.

[@druchampion-payne1489]

So true!

[@deetles98]

When they are family members tho it is hard to just get away

[@galaxy98765]

Susan, you are so right. Best advice I've had all week. Thank you.

[@NilaDesigns]

Absolutely

[@gretchenbowers642]

Totally agree

[@z1z2z3z]

"You don't fit my mold." "Why, no I don't- thank you for noticing- & I never will!"

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Bingo!

[@z1z2z3z]

@@SurvivingNarcissism You're awesome Dr C!

[@cindytrayer4279]

You literally can’t EVER have a differing opinion, if so, then the paranoia and victim mentality then rage comes out. How many times I’ve heard “you’re never on my side” or that I’m just voicing a different opinion on purpose, just to purposely go against him. They’re insane and impossible to communicate with. And extremely mean. Exhausting. Recently went no contact, blocked his calls and messages.

[@sturobertson6791]

Agreed Cindy. Well put. The phrase to me was... "you're always sticking up for them...." After I'd mentioned a neighbour or friend in a TOTALLY harmless normal day to day situation.. And it wasn't said nicely..

[@vickioliver1098]

or why are you always defending everyone else.

[@Dj.D25]

I remember one woman I talked to a couple of years ago got upset when I tried showing her someone who was was knowledgeable in relationship/marriage advice. She felt the expert she listened to was the only one worth listening to, even though I tried to explain its good to listen to a wide variety of perspectives. I have questioned if she’s a narcissist since she gaslit me, mocked me, even said she’s a good catch yet struggled with being single a long time, thought of moving to find a husband.

[@threefreaksonaleash6619]

Exactly! It is insanity and crazy-making for their victims.

[@eaglessoar6830]

Yes, or "You're always attacking me" or "Don't compare me to other people"

[@andy.hello.6602]

Putting others down to build themselves up.

[@lynnfincham6839]

If you challenge they punish you with selective everything 😏

[@ashleykathryn9038]

Spot on! They keep score for everything

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Their way or the highway!

[@druchampion-payne1489]

My narcissistic mother-in-law has been losing her *mind* because she's not allowed to call me anymore and she's resorting to all sorts of manipulative tactics to pull me back in, but I will not budge--not ever! For 35 years I've put up with her narcissistic abuse out of duty and love for my husband but at a very steep cost to my mental health. This woman has said and done some of the most hurtful things, they would blow your mind. And for 35 years I've given her one huge pass after another, only to find myself being verbally & emotionally abused more often as time went on; plus, with age she became even meaner. So last March my husband FINALLY decided to call his mom (on his own) and he told her not to call me anymore, to only call him. That was 9 months ago, and since then she has tried everything to change my mind, but I will NEVER change my mind. I know that if I start talking to her again that she will take the opportunity to abuse me again, and I suspect that she will need to draw blood next time because she's so angry at me for going no contact with her. She's cried on the phone to my husband, told him he's "weak" for not making me talk to her, called her daughters to put pressure on me. And she keeps ignoring my husband's request NOT to talk about it anymore, she won't let-go of her need to talk to me. He keeps saying, "Mom, lets put this to rest", but she won't. You see, she lives in another state, so the only way to have contact with me is to call me up, but her number is blocked. And I haven't flown out to see her in years. Last time I went to visit her she took me aside and told me everything she never liked about me--that was 9 years ago. I just want to enjoy my husband and our life together and I have NO need to be "friends" with someone like her. She doesn't even like me, so why does she need to talk to me? Exactly! She only wants to talk to me so she can continue abusing me. It's like she's having withdrawals, or something. Honestly, I'm enjoying watching her feel out of sorts for a change since she tortured me for years. If she's feeling bad, then good. She brought this on herself.

[@noticeyourneighbor8649]

Exactly!!!!

[@angelaraesutherland]

I feel for you. It’s SO horrible to be in. Please take care of YOU.

[@maryhatleymeyer]

I completely relate to your situation. Your MIL sounds exactly like my partner of 13 years’ adult daughter. She ridiculously sees herself as the victim because you refuse to be her victim anymore! Like taking the injured bird away from the cat, and pity the cat who lost its’ plaything!

[@karenbonnici6204]

Good for you.

[@lizzyschmidt8429]

Good for you! Take back your life 🌺🌺

[@cymbolichuman433]

It's because they know you well enough to effectively hurt you. This is why I learned from past videos, do not confide in people freely.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

My dad is sadistic this way, and he laughs when he knows he hurts me; he's impossible. I gave up on dealing with his abuse! I deserve a better father!

[@Mistinguette287]

The craziest thing is that you get used to this meanness, before you know it you even learn to participate by laughing or saying mean things in return :( Even if it feels so bad inside. When you step out long enough from these relationships you just realize there is no limit to this meanness. Selective meanness helps to cover their tracks. You'll always find someone saying : "Oh that's odd, they are so kind to me, my parents, the bus driver..." bla-bla-bla Thanks Dr Carter for sharing this content and members, comments are just as helpful.

[@LiveforHim73]

Recently met a person that has been treated very nice by our family narcissist.

[@mattdonna9677]

Not me. I will never be comfortable with someone so cruel. She is insane and I refuse to engage with her cruelty toward me. I guess most other people take the path of least resistance and just go with the flow.

[@dnwitte]

Which is why I came to the realization that I really didn't like myself when I was around my narc, and HAD to go no-contact to get my sweet self back!

[@rhamm2469]

Kind to everyone outside - they are like “oh he’s SO nice !” 🤮

[@truthtriumphant]

@@rhamm2469 Yep exactly!

[@mareeamor3596]

I always think it must be so difficult being the narcissist, constantly finding fault, criticising, belittling, insulting, being angry etc. which really demonstrates their inner turmoil. Thanks Dr C. for reminding me of the "backwards compliment" concept which I will accept any day!

[@RoyalMetal9]

Yes. They are a miserable lot.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

It sounds exhausting! I have some traits(which I am not proud of and try to change out of them!) Dad is a tyrant, and not a benevolent one! I don't nitpick and lecture at him. I wish he would grow up and shut up. I didn't ask for his condescending attitude.

[@playalot8513]

"When someone shows you their real self, believe them" - this sums it up.

[@ruthpearsall2618]

“Having a firmness about who YOU are”. That’s so true, so key and really the Holy Grail of dealing with narcissists everywhere. That’s your shield against their nonsense.

[@jenamirgholi6004]

praise God

[@chickennugget6233]

I firmly believe that is one of the only ways out of this! And you don't have to start that way either. I don't think any of us have! That's why we ended up here in the first place. But man... once you figure it out, whoosh

[@msredcurtains]

True!!!

[@victoriaholland7301]

Needed to read that. Maybe today will have such crap thrown at me.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

My dad does not know the real me, but he thinks he does; he's wrong! I know what he's up to and I gave up on dealing with his narcissism!

[@georgew.5639]

They know how to make their victims look like they are the narcissists. And they do it well.

[@cazjay017]

They do try to smear the victim as the narcissist. Spot on.

[@shirleyguinyard8183]

Exactly 💯

[@angellacanfora]

Gus ignoring his cozy blanket/pillow setup, lol. Gotta love pets!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Gus is his own self!

[@wellnesspathforme6236]

They know controlling the world is not possible. So they find someone they think they can control, usually someone they idolize as an asset. Once they figure out their idol isn't their slave where it matters to them, then they get very angry, and focus it all on their "personal asset" that left their "plantation."

[@AA-ct7cb]

They don’t want you to have your dignity.

[@truthteller1973]

Thank you for helping us. The world need to be aware of this disorder😿. They hate their own children. Thank you💜

[@lynnbrown4364]

But will use them as pawns and a cover for their own falsehoods. Children make great flying monkeys. The more dysfunctional the family dynamic, the more complicit the flying monkey because they are no longer the target of their parent's narcissistic rage and abuse. Take it from me, the targeted scapegoat aunt/sister. But I was witness to this for 5 generations on my mothers side. It has taken me 62 years to be able to acknowledge it as narcissism and abuse. In "recovery" for 14 months. So many aha moments and so much validation in these episodes and the comments section. Peace and healing to all in 2023!

[@naomimueller9111]

Or they think they love them, but their version on "love" is that they own their children and children are required to only serve the parent's needs. Children are not allowed their own identity, otherwise they will be punished and segregated from the family.

[@suzanne4396]

@@naomimueller9111 Yes. He " wanted " a child SO much; but I see his mask slip and the cruelty comes out, the punishments are harsh ( for a 4 yo) and yes, he's grooming him to be EXACTLY like himself. Pushing his own interests onto him, not giving him options as far as little one's preferences and decisions. It's painful to watch .... but, from watching videos on narcs/ children, Not unexpected. Sad.

[@brokenstacker8297]

I’m a Narcissist and love my children dearly. The thought of ever losing them kills me but the thought of me staying in their lives also kills me. My girls are free to be whatever they want as long as they get good grades and keep their rooms clean. My older daughter is more like her mom, normal. My younger daughter seems to be a bit more like me. My wife is working on her.

[@truthtriumphant]

@@naomimueller9111 Very well said! My mother exactly! They are so hurtful and damaging !😢

[@moxiepooties6363]

They will NOT be challenged in any way. No input wanted from YOU at all. No questions! They don't like your individuality, want you to be who THEY want you to be and are mean even if you do your best to conform to their requirement to keep your mouth shut and do everything THEIR way. It may be especially easy for a narcissist, who has never grown up emotionally, to keep the sibling rivalry thing going way beyond the death of the parents!

[@MarlaMartenson]

So true! I have been told soooo many times, "Don't talk!" "You don't know what you are talking about." "Do not speak of things you know nothing about! And on and on.... he really does not want me to open my mouth, just comply with what he wants, and that is it. Zero interest in my opinion, thoughts, interests, or feelings.

[@Misses-Hippy]

@@MarlaMartenson They think they have won if they shut you down. Win-lose, not win-win. Then they go on as if nothing happened, as if you now agree with them. All it really creates is resentment.

[@AA-ct7cb]

Such entitled snots! Their punishment is being them!

[@sturobertson6791]

Sitting here feeling grateful to everyone who has contributed here. Spent 5 hours reading all your words (yeah, I know.......) Every single contribution helps in some way or other....everyone's intention is to share and offer support. Every comment, every reply, everyone here, and Doc C,.... I am very grateful. Life has become better, healthier and happier Thank you all. . 🙏☀️☀️☀️🙏

[@Natalie82170]

Bless you, Stu : )

[@sturobertson6791]

@@Natalie82170 and you Natalie🙏☀️🙏

[@amandaliverpool3374]

✌❣🙏

[@marieldavison5121]

Right back at you Stu ~ you're right where you belong here on TH.😉

[@sturobertson6791]

@@marieldavison5121 👍😊Cheers Mariel. That's the sort of words I'm talking about!!! Makes me get off my butt and start looking after myself!! Thank you🙏☀️🙏

[@deebee4622]

Standing up for yourself and others, denying them the ability to control you and your children makes you their target.

[@mqua4610]

They are like lions who wait in the weeds, quiet and holding court, but ready to pounce when they see a weakness in someone(s). Then they jab at the person(s) with sarcastic words or hateful words. They do this especially when they know there will be people there to laugh at their “brilliant” mockery or join in on the terrorizing of the victim(s).

[@gwensavoie4877]

Oh yes mine lit our home on fire to collect ins money.. then tried it again in house rental.. slashed my tires when trying to leave.. steals things from me that i like or need.. or wil break or damage my nice things in the home lust goes on n on... truly disgusting people sorry animals... the worst!!!

[@mattdonna9677]

Agreed. I had this done to me, trying to ridicule and degrade me in public when she has an audience. I don't go anywhere in public with her now and will not go anywhere with her in a vehicle because it is a trap where she can rant, rave, and scream at me. What a nut she is, I'm moving out this coming spring. Life is too short to tolerate the cruelty of another.

[@mattdonna9677]

@@gwensavoie4877 same here Gwen, things stolen, destroyed, or disappeared

[@flybyorb6858]

Same, things went missing, & other stuff damaged / vandalized. Wish someone would speak more on these aspects of the disgusting criminal crazy making that they do.

[@mqua4610]

@@flybyorb6858 Exactly. I wish there were videos exactly on this topic.

[@robbiewooden5067]

They are mean and very controlling.

[@DreamsOfFinland]

the dog on couch has powerful calming energy. dogs don't have narcissists.

[@freeandfabulous4310]

The meanness is self serving. My father was a hero to his nieces, got lots of praise and an abuser to me being close to him. You’re right Dr C I needed to be silenced. He berated me, humiliated me, name called, raged on me my entire childhood till I left. I did challenge him and was a lot more assertive. It’s like we all lived in two different worlds with him. I was always baffled by why he hates me so much! Now I know! Forever grateful for the clarity.

[@sll110]

me too, my mom is horrible Narcissist

[@jwhite5396]

During the holidays, my dad would put on a show for extended family members. But as soon as they left, he would stomp off to his room. No more mister nice guy. I wonder if extended family sensed anything was off with him. On normal days he wouldn’t look at or talk to us. He should’ve never been a father.

[@marieldavison5121]

Dad was violent. All us kids ever heard was "what happens in this house stays in this house". Oh yes he was aware of how he would be judged by outsiders. I got out at 16. It was the only way.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad to be on the journey with you! Keep leaning forward!

[@marieldavison5121]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Are you sure you're not from Georgia Dr C?? Cause I think you are just a PEACH!🍑 🥰🥰🐶Gussy🥰🥰

[@sturobertson6791]

They select your vulnerable spots. My son had to leave university for mental health issues, and I saw him fight like a tiger for the next 3 years to get his life back on track... Successfully... . Yet he and I became the target for such vindictive and nasty comments.. Which I cannot repeat here. No longer thankfully. Thanks to your help, Dr C, and everyone here. 🙏☀️☀️🙏

[@amandaliverpool3374]

This is so tough and glad you've been a supportive father. If I may ask...was their Mum supportive or was the conflict coming from her direction? Either way, young lads have a hard press. Their Dad said that mine both need psychiatric help ... helpful, not!

[@sturobertson6791]

@@amandaliverpool3374 Amanda bless you... Yes you may ask and I'm grateful and glad that you did. My son's mum was supportive in what I would describe as a very transactional way.. I don't want to be judgemental about how she was, but for me, she wasn't one for emotional vocabulary and hugs were non existent.... I do not know if his mum' was the source of his anguish. He is reluctant to talk about it (and was only willing to attend 1 counselling session)... But not long ago he said to me it was something he HAD to go through to get to where he is today... Lisa A Romano says in her vids some people need to have a breakdown before they have the breakthrough... Which I think is very insightful and thought provoking. Bless you for asking Amanda... Nobody else ever has asked and I'm very grateful that you did. 🙏😘🙏

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@sturobertson6791 Message received and will respond later....⚽️🙏🐼

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@sturobertson6791 Hi, an exciting game and I'm resting me head again 🙄 I'm curious where the anger towards you and your son came from, the ex or his Mum. Either way both would be out of order. Narcs come in all shapes and sizes and both these women could be that way in their own way. If that makes sense. Just like your Dad probably has his own unique 'traits'. My youngest son has had mental health issues but there isn't the trained help needed He gets angry and can, occasionally, have a sly dig at me. People are often in there with advice that it's my fault that they have no respect. Judgemental. I see the 'bigger picture ' or I try. He's grown up with brother having a short fuse, always lit and dealings with his Dad and my stepfather. This is one of the reasons that I got involved with Dr.C's Channel. I couldn't make out whether either of them had inherited 'traits' from their Dad. He was cold and the only time I saw him smile was when Wales scored a try!!! I think people are too easily saddled with labels. They are nothing like him! The channel and people of recent days including yourself, R N and Snowy and others have helped me make sense of my past not just to share the stories of a bad ex but also to observe red flags in other individuals past and present. I am confident that I am doing all I can. I have had my own battles with depression. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger 💪 in my opinion. My advice or 'two peneth worth', coz no-one can or should tell you what to do, Is just be there and be your best self. It might sound selfish but if you don't look after yourself, you can't look after anyone else. I've found that self help has a knock on affect with the lads at least trying to be consistent and confident. Good luck 👍 🙏🌞🕯💐

[@sturobertson6791]

@@amandaliverpool3374 Hi Amanda I read your message. It spoke to both head and heart. I'm on a zoom with fam from all over and will reply later🔜☀️🐼🥕🙏

[@Cat-oj4oz]

You know, things went from bad to worse when my n-mom noticed I was becoming an attractive teenager...somehow, I went from being her child to being her rival (in her mind) ... of course, her feelings were exacerbated by my n-dad's leering attention. At a time when I was unsure of how my teen years would go, I had zero support and things got really ugly between them, too... and I was sent away. Years of therapy and narcissism videos have at long last convinced me of my own value.... and I have raised my sons to believe they are loved and valued; the narc cycle stops with me, and it is my finest accomplishment, thanks to learning and growing. I am so grateful for wise direction...

[@amberinthemist7912]

The explosion of jealousy from my mom when I got out of my awkward phase was shocking. I didn't understand it. She went about purposely destroying my self esteem with my older sisters help.

[@bubbapants4689]

Sounds like my experience, it's been impossible for me to understand how I could have a seemingly loving mother for the first 10 years of my life turn into the meanest bully I could imagine in the latter part of my life. I am 33 and still struggle with this.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

They should have been sent away, not you! My dad is the narc and did a telephone monologue two months ago, when his brother died. The guy was my Godfather. Dad did not ask how I felt; he didn't care about anyone but himself. I went no-contact to protect myself. He still thinks he's great; that the world should revolve only around him. No one else matters to him unless they back up his crap! I don't and won't.

[@lynettevanrooyen2572]

I am living with my 47 year old son. I am his target, and I desperately need to put much distance between us ASAP🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@valeriethompson3225]

Similar situation here...I hope you have found your way out.

[@momoffive5606]

When I finally broke down and told my mom, sobbing, how much she hurts me with her behavior, about two weeks later she let me know in a lighthearted voice that she had taken all my photos down from around her house because she didn't want to see my face. The saddest part is that I felt ashamed for about a week before the hurt and pain came through.

[@kathiemihindukulasuriya1538]

I am so sorry that your Mom treats you this way. Please know it is NOT you. I hope you will find happier and healthier relationships to enrich your life.

[@JennyverseLive]

I'm so sorry, this is just awful.

[@melaw5]

I am so sorry that this happened to you. My narc husband did the same thing to me and our grown, out of the house children. There are now no pictures of any family members in our home because he can't stand to look at them. He thinks we are all such disappointments, but the truth is we are human beings who sometimes make mistakes and also who just have different priorities and beliefs than he does. Try not to take it personally. I know how hollow that advice sounds, but it's true. It's completely about them and their own misery, which you did not cause.

[@evad9752]

That is horrible. What an abusive toad for an exciuse of a mother. This is all about her and none about you. She is a dud for a mother. Hopefully you have some healthy non family members you can talk to

[@peacerun]

I am so sorry. I have been through similar just because I tried to tell her in a gentle way how I feel about her cruelty. Now I”m no longer invited to family holiday dinners, and no birthday card or acknowledgment of any kind except phone calls when she needs a ride somewhere.

[@tbunnyshy1]

This will be a good one! Its the same tool as selective “kindness”. They get a “reaction” of sorts from us. It reminds me of a movie that says ‘One person is the head of the house, but the other is the neck (so to speak), and it can move the head any way it wants.’ They need you angry or fawning for them.

[@bereal6590]

Yes, the fawning.... learnt that as a kid. I now resent anything sickly sweet where there is a pretense of good and wonderful because for me I had to pretend all was lovely and do the fawn to get accepted and 'loved'. Going outside the box got the contempt and passive aggression. My father was overtly aggressive and frightening but I now realise my mom did the most damage In her attempt to make everything look good and sugary. Even now I know very well not to reject a gift or something, else the rejection comes. She even remembers things she bought that I didn't like when I was 12!! She is now 80. Gifts don't make up for a lifetime of psychological abuse and loss of self and is justanother form of control. They always want to 'look' good...... its a challenge trusting my own judgement ✌

[@nomadame333]

@@bereal6590 if it looks too good, it ain't true

[@mspeeps9634]

I remember that saying from My Big Fat Greek Wedding. The wife said her husband was the head of the family, so he made the decisions. But she knew how to approach him with a situation to get the answer she wanted. She referred to herself as the neck that turns the head.

[@bereal6590]

@@nomadame333 ID agree

[@tbunnyshy1]

@@bereal6590 I hear you and I deeply relate. ❤️

[@lou1880]

This is exactly right. My mom is a grandiose narcissist to people she meets - gregarious, full of herself - and a vulnerable narc - passive-aggressive, self-pitying - to her family. Why? Because we know her too well and she can't impress us. Glad to see Dr. Carter put these two characteristics together.

[@florencia2771]

We must be siblings….. my mom is 💯 like this

[@thehotcoffeehouse6081]

@@florencia2771 triplet here...100 % as well, abusive narc mother described to a perfect tee!!

[@Joemar4]

Quadruplets!! - My mom 1000%

[@florencia2771]

@@Joemar4 For the first 30 years of my life (at least what I remember) I had horrible mood swings. Turns out the mood swings were complex ptsd. I know because after doing therapy, Internal Family Systems, specially; I no longer have these mood swings. Having a narcissist parent is devastating and it changes your brain chemistry. This is something that many people who have normal parents do do want to acknowledge, but there is hope and healing with the right therapist.

[@AZDC99]

I weathered the storm of the Flying Monkey siblings attacking me fighting back and I no longer talk to them anymore. THANK GOD!

[@twoplustwoequalsfour48]

So many suffer from the fallout of this

[@rachelthompson7487]

So basically. "Misery likes company."

[@janebethshimon]

She is my sibling. I had her over a few weeks ago. The script never changes. She asked if I loved my cat. I answered, but that is a mean question. Of course I love my cat. Don't I??? I hate these people. They scramble my brain and leave me with a ton of inner turmoil and interior tension of my own. Oh, I forgot: they're pitiable. Thank you, Dr. C. Hi, Gus!!!

[@NeonCicada]

The best we can do with that is learn how to process our own thoughts and emotions -- as we accept full responsibility for our own inner well being. ~(that alone is an incredible source of personal empowerment because YOU'RE the only person that can mess with it)~ _We might not be able to choose the way we feel about something -- but we can always choose the way we respond to the way we feel about something._

[@eaglessoar6830]

Here's one I got from a Narc 'friend'; "Does your cat have a water dish?" I let that question hurt my brain for 2 weeks. They steal your time and pull you into their hall of mirrors confusion ride all the while snickering to themselves about how 'clever' they are. I can hear the crazy clown music playing as think back to this. They are unhealthy for regular humans to be around. Life is so very peaceful when we say goodbye and steer clear of them.

[@lisamariesmith3610]

I go through that too with my sister I keep her at arms length now. They can make you miserable after five minutes and I let it affect me for hours after.

[@truthtriumphant]

@@eaglessoar6830 Yep exactly! They are very unhealthy for regular humans to be around!

[@arenee118]

I went no contact with my sister because the abuse left me anxious and paranoid. That was in June 2020. Best thing I ever did.

[@ladennayoung2939]

I mean, they absolutely hate for you to think for yourself and to speak up against things that aren't right.

[@arasyard]

The most dangerous part of a narc is that they have the "intention" to harm someone because of their insecurities, fears and weaknesses..normal people can hurt others, we all do but sometimes out of insensitivity or innocence not because we feel the need to hurt someone just to feel good..and normal people feels guilt when we knew we have offended someone and do something to cure it..

[@izawaniek2568]

I am moving on towards much healthier alternatives. Narcisists feel miserable and demand others to join them. No way. Thank you dr Carter.

[@debrasullenberger1917]

I've known too many narcissists all my life. I have radar for them now. As soon as I detect someone is one I turn around and run the other way!

[@rebeccajohnson7864]

One popular saying about narcissist "once you know, you go".

[@kisigma1011]

Facts

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I have a great bullshit detector: I smell Dad's crap before he speaks; His arrogance speaks volumes! I went no-contact so I do not have to deal with his crap! A victory for me!

[@mimismegalife4976]

I don't even feel free to share the animal abuse from my birth parents and siblings. Heartless beyond MEANNESS!!!

[@shelley7975]

I'm sorry. It amazes me how cruel human beings can be.

[@JulieT026]

Heartbreaking 💔

[@gwensavoie4877]

Here here! My narc husband is totaly animal just disgusting the way im treated.. but he gets it back.. such a wasted life with a animal like that!!

[@justmeandmyrucksack]

that's exactly what the narcissist and his flying monkeys want - for you to suffer in silence forever. don't.

[@elizabethkeller6040]

I can , sadly , relate to family cruel verbal assaults. I am going to, someday, just start writing my life journey. I am 1963 baby, & with a fabulous counselor, who I saw for years, the teasing, shaming, gaslighting, ignored, f cking SMIRK from mother, lied about, . I always felt the sting of whatever, but brainwashed to have ZERO boundaries. Oh, I found my boundaries. I am no longer included in family. I am #7 of #8 kids, mother is #92. Ya they don't like me

[@LindaLouise625]

they Know exactly what they are doing. My door is locked.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Smart

[@LindaLouise625]

@@SurvivingNarcissism as long as I keep it locked! And I needto stop crapping on myself for letting them back in!! Bad lifelong tendency to overlook.. forgive toooo easy.. Benefit of a doubt ... tttooooo many times 🤔

[@Pixelpioneer865]

They are too demanding, controlling and lack empathy.

[@caratgamer6145]

The amount of illogic they (my narc wife) have is just blowing my mind. Everything she does in last 2 years is so illogic that it hurt me physically. That selective meanness hurts a lot, especially when you are experiencing their charm, and 'goodness' towards others. Even simple hello said to your neighbour or cat is calm, playful etc. and you are getting that full of hate 'hi' (if they notice you at all...). That hurts.

[@marknolan2799]

Thanks Dr. C for your valuable information. As Seneca would say, "The unexpected blows land heaviest." Once you know what you are dealing with, you realize it's nothing you can't handle.

[@anniegarrett3242]

Train wrecks who lack tenderness, empathy, compassion.

[@allans7281]

Let them act however they want you can only control your actions and emotions Go no contact and get them the heck out of your life

[@WaterBug46]

I learned later on that he absolutely could control himself. I gave him way too much mercy and grace. No more

[@heidismutti]

Yep! I thought my guy has Asperger’s, and he couldn’t control his rages. In our last fight, he said some heinous things to me, saying I was hearing voices, so I brought out the video camera. He would not repeat what he’d said on camera, which means he had control of himself. He’s a narcissist. He’s a psychopath. In a few days, I’ll be done forever. I hope I survive.

[@ZarpeParadise]

Thank you for speaking on an issue I just recently experienced. I was ghosted as "punishment". You and Gus are such a delight. Thank you for being here!💕✌🌴

[@maxineboxer9714]

So was I. It’s pretty awful.

[@Rose-dl6xg]

I was ghosted recently as well. It's a blessing for me, for when I'm ready to go silent perminitly

[@iononcantomascrivo]

​@@Rose-dl6xg isn't ironic how they think they are punishing you but they're actually doing you a great service by no longer intruding your life with their dumpster fire of an existence? It happened to me with a former friend of mine. She gave me the silent treatment but I turned around and cut her off completely: blocked her on everything and changed my cell phone number. So when she didn't get the inevitable reaction of me trying to track her down to win her back, as she would put it, she came looking for me and saw that I took back my life. She flipped out. Mind you, she was in her 50s, had two grown children and was a grandmother. I later heard from a mutual friend, who I was fortunately able to wake up to what a toxic waste of space our former friend is, that she threw a tantrum that would have embarrassed her then-toddler grandson. It's pretty sad.

[@Rose-dl6xg]

@@iononcantomascrivo Wow, you went thru a lot with that woman!! Yet finally you mustard the courage, to overcome the fear, to focus on yourself to have a much better life, you must know you deserved!! Congradulations on that Victory!! I'm sooo grateful for these video camunnitys, we can go to, where we can connect to others like ourselves that have been thru the wringer!! God bless you lo non canto!!

[@angelaraesutherland]

The silent treatment….what a nasty, hurtful tactic. It was TERRIBLE and hard on the heart

[@Panbaneesha]

This was exactly what I needed today. After decades I finally (over the past several years) learned to recognize the narcissism in my family. First it was my older sister which I cut contact with. It took me a while longer to see it in my father and even worse in my mother. I told them I don't want any contact over Christmas/New Year's Eve, and Christmas has always been a big deal for my mother (and a traumatic one for me). These last days I struggled a lot with guilt because I'm sure she'll be sitting at home crying how she's the victim and I'm being so mean etc. And then my father too will be laying the blame for my mother feeling bad at my feet, of course. The usual pattern. Thank you for reminding me that my mother is the perfect, charming hostess, friendly, helpful person and all-around lovely character only as long as an "outside" person is present. Totally different picture when the nuclear family is on its own. I'm quite an empathic person, but I seriously need to dial that down with people that treat me like shit.

[@veronicafadel8693]

Stay strong💪🏼💝

[@Panbaneesha]

@@veronicafadel8693 Thank you, you too. 🤗

[@vickioliver1098]

struggling a little with the guilt here also, but last few year's memories are still fresh and not worth going through it again for me. 😵‍💫

[@apaintedflower605]

Definitely stay strong - is the same way in my family. No one on the "outside" ever thought poorly of my mother. We suffered every single family holiday. It's caused legacies of pain in each of us six girls. Upon any type of re-entry into our lives - because of death, her needing something from one or a few of us (financially or medically), the same exact behavior resumed almost immediately. The abuse she heaped on us all was different, too. It was like we each had a version of her that she exposed in private and it was so emotionally damaging. I'm in therapy and manage unreal anxiety when other narcissists in my life expose themselves, namely my ex husband and ex friend of over 20 years. It'll always hurt, but I did my best and still hope that she one day finds peace. But it won't be with me in her life. Too much damage and manipulation. Enjoy the holiday season and peace be with you all.

[@sll110]

me too

[@colleengiese]

To everyone here: i love you because you are human. 💙

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So kind!

[@OSTARAEB4]

I foolishly helped a female narc financially in 2019. I knew her since the 1990’s and I always felt she was flaky and unreliable. She was a work colleague and I noticed she never really did anything in the job. She was a pathological liar I later found out as those were her words “once a liar, always a liar” she said to me twice with certitude. She said it with pride like young parents talking about their baby saying their first word. I think she knew she wasn’t a good person and she got irritated with me on phone once when I was talking about new kitchen cabinets. She got frustrated and rage fit on me. I wired her money and I burned because she texted, TEXTED me a tepid, ungrateful thanks and called me two weeks later and said, well, I guess if I didn’t call you, I’d never hear from you”. What a nasty piece. She’s an entitled, miserable middle aged woman that has been with men and women. She said of the last one she broke up with, “he doesn’t help out that much”. As I suspected, she’s greedy and selfish and I finally woke up and am glad she’s out of my life. I was nothing but nice and used and abused. She’s the type that values money more than family and imagine she’s just waiting for her elderly parents to pass so her eyes can bulge sifting through the money. A real sad Jenny.

[@iononcantomascrivo]

If it wasn't for the fact that your work colleagues parents are still alive, I would think you were talking about my former friend. Let's call her “Molly.” When I met Molly , I was a naive early 20-something with very little life experience. She was in her early forties with two small children, and in a seemingly unhappy marriage and was unemployed. Because I used to let my empathy override my brain, I helped her out when she needed money. It turned into a lot of give with no reciprocation. Molly rarely ever paid me back. When I started pressing her to remit what she owed me, the mask started to slip. It was at that point that she started meddling in my life and trash talking me to anyone who would listen, specifically her flying monkeys. When I called her out on this behavior, it was always a case of “miscommunication” or “misunderstanding.” She actually had the nerve to say to my face, “if I can say it behind your back I can say it to your face.” I shot her down stating that she never said anything to my face. Of course, this led to a fight and more character assassinations against me. The number of atrocities Molly committed against me, include but are not limited to and in no particular order are: as stated, borrowing gobs of money from me that she had no intention of ever returning, spreading an entirely untrue rumor that I had caught an STI from a one-night stand, outing me to my extremely conservative homophobic Italian Roman Catholic father (my father and I already had a rocky relationship and barely spoke, but what she did caused an irreparable rift which led to him disowning me), had the nerve to try and turn the day my father died into one of her performance pieces and when I shut her down, she had the audacity to say, and I quote, “Well, you two never got along anyway“ and, weeks later, she pretended she didn't trample all over my grieving process and not so subtly asked (demanded) me to share my non-existent inheritance with her because she had lost yet another job due to poor attendance. Given these examples, I had learned of an exercise that psychiatrist's have their patients do: take a piece of paper and write down on one column, the good about the person in question and in the other side column, the bad. If the bad outweighs the good, that's when you need to come up with a plan. If the good outweighs the bad then it's up to you on whether or not you want to let the bad dictate the direction of your relationship. Well, I did this and I had pages of toxic, boundary-trampling behavior that my now former friend had done to me. Once I realized that our relationship was nothing more than transactional (Molly had exploited me because I had a resource she needed and thus was treating me like I was the light of her life), it was like a switch flipped. I got angry but I also became indifferent. Fortunately, she had moved out of state and I didn't see her or hear from her anymore because it wasn't convenient for her to contact me everyday. She had found new supply elsewhere. Still, I jumped every time I got a notification from her. The whole “what the hell does she want now” reaction. Before experiencing the utter lack of respect she had for me after losing a parent, I thought there was hope for her. Seeing that Molly didn't care at all that I was grieving and feeling mixture of emotions, because she was right, my father and I did not get along, but it was not her place to say, it showed she had zero empathy for anyone or anything. She had the nerve to say I had been a jerk and mean to everyone because I was displacing my grief over my father. I told Molly, she was lucky she wasn't standing in front of me because I would have knocked her lights out. That scared her. I purged my life of every single one of her flying monkeys, blocked them all on my social media and fortunately none of them had my cell phone number. Molly had no awareness whatsoever and never committed anything to memory unless she could use it later on to manipulate someone for her own gain. She didn't even notice that I had gone no-contact and changed my number until she tried to call me to let me know that a mutual acquaintance had unexpectedly passed away. Never one to not put her incessant need for attention above everyone else (including her own children) or turn everything that happens into a story about her, my former friend demonstrated how deeply unhinged she was by tracking down my widow mother's phone number and called her trying to find me. When my mom told me that my former friend had called her to inform me that our mutual acquaintance had died then quickly segued into turning his death into a story about her and then tried to get my mom to verbally bash me during one of her infamous bitch sessions, my mom let her have it. A little fact about my mom: she is a German-Jew native New Yorker with a very big mouth. She takes absolutely no crap and makes Judge Judy seem like a cream puff by comparison. My mom was understandably appalled that Molly had so little class to use someone else's death to talk about herself and called my former friend something that rhymes with selfish trucking grunt, told her I blocked her on everything for reasons that were “already well known to her” and to f*ck off. According to Mom, this reduced Molly to tears and the call was immediately ended. Never one to give up easily, Molly went to a mutual friend (someone I was eventually able to wake up to her toxic ways) and tried to commiserate with him about how she had been disrespected and denied the one thing she wanted the most: my attention. He said that she threw a tantrum that would have embarrassed a toddler. She demanded that he block me and cut me off to show solidarity with her. He said she verbally bashed me and tried to make me out to be this horrible person, but she totally forgot that he had known me long before he had known her and knew all of what she was telling him was false. He refused to do what she demanded of him but she repeatedly bugged him to check on my social media to see if I was talking about her. She ordered him to spy on my social media to see if I was talking about her. He refused, stating that she isn't as interesting as she thinks she is. She got offended by that, too. This was the beginning of the end for the two of them as he had never seen her behave like such “a crazy b*tch” before. I had seen it many times, but I imagine in my friend's case, seeing a 50-year-old mother and grandmother throw an absolute hissy fit, because she didn't get her way, must have been quite the unnerving sight. It's been over eight years and I haven't heard from her since. I imagine she thinks about me quite often because I was one of the few who got away and beat her at her own game.

[@kf4722]

Wow. This is like the more I read your comments the more I see my narc sister in so many of your words. The good news is that we can see right thru them where as before, well at least for me that is me I either ignored the disgusting behavior or I wanted to think my sister couldn’t really be as bad as she truly is. Two years ago my eldest sister passed away and the narc sister used it to make a scene for herself and made it as if she had died instead. It was so pathetic. The more I learn about the way these narcs actually have a false self that rears it’s ugly head I’m even more thankful for the doctors who have spent years/decades studying and teaching us all how they truly are. That is the silver lining.

[@SwimminWitDaFishies]

As Dave Ramsey always says - NEVER loan money you can't afford to lose

[@OSTARAEB4]

@@SwimminWitDaFishies You’re so right! I was a total fool and made a big mistake by trusting her.Her actions of not repaying me and going AWOL behaviour reinforces my opinion she’s no good. I made a mistake by not trusting my gut instincts and the uneasy feeling I had about her but could never figure out what it was. She would’ve had a great career in this Crpto crime con scheme. She would’ve been perfect fit in along with the others.

[@iononcantomascrivo]

@@OSTARAEB4 I learned my lesson too. I later found out that Molly had done what she did to me to many other people before me and there were others after me. Quite frankly, there are many people who would love to see her head on a platter. I've moved on, I just share my stories to let others know that what they are experiencing is narcissistic abuse.

[@lynnfincham6839]

In every respect it’s not a relationship you want to be a part of 🙈

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

A bad dictatorship! Rebel by not dealing with the tyrant(s)! No-contact works and you get yourself back! With dividends! :-)

[@marylourodriguez9227]

Oh my! Even when they're dying,!!!! Cannot believe it!!!!!

[@lynbarker3828]

Well well well. So there it is. At least a part of why my husband was threatened by me and me only. It's only I who gets ignored, discounted as irrelevant while the world sings his praises. I'm too close to his faults and we all know narcs hate to be exposed. Dr C. Keep doing this until your dying breath. I honor you ❤️

[@rubyburnside2913]

And that's the cold hard truth they don't want to be exposed. I also am the only one the narc is doing this too and everybody else is believing him

[@ingrid3578]

My mom was just like you. He was nasty and abusive to all of us but my mom bore the brunt of it for our sake. He DESPISED that woman. The rage and loathing he would throw her way was appalling. I never understood what exactly she did to cause him to hate her so much. But now I know it’s because she’s the emotional punching bag, the one he thinks deserves all the bad things in the world because it’s her who is his narcissistic supply, it’s her who sees all his flaws and sees him for the imposter that he is. Narcissists can survive only on supply, which is the person or people who help them maintain this false self they have going on. The supplier validates them, holds up their fragile ego, prevents them from collapsing. Narcissists absolutely despise having to rely on anyone but they can’t function without people, so that’s why they have immense hatred for the supplier. They are projecting all the shame and insecurity on them. I really hope the best for you. My mom is exactly like you.

[@amuddymoose]

Yup, we know who they REALLY are and they hate that.

[@yukio_saito]

My ex-coworker became super vindictive after I exposed how toxic he is to other members. Things got chaotic so I ran away from the workplace.

[@taniathomas7353]

I became friends with a lady at work and she would say bad things about all of the other teachers, administrators, etc and I started believing her and looked at them differently! Turns out she was just very insecure and thought everyone was out to get her! She would call me every night after to work to talk about these people at work, but she said the next time we’d talk it’ll be about something different and not them! She was very controlling and manipulative. I realize she baited me into different conversations to find out my personal business. She always used God/Religion as a means to connect because she knew I was trying to get closer to God! She claims that God brought her into my life! It was all a lie!

[@indiesindie1984]

I think I know her. 🤔

[@playalot8513]

Yikes, you need to back away from this relationship fast, but be smart about this. Start being unavailable for vague but friendly reasons and slowly start weaning yourself from her. She will turn on you if you make an obvious break away from her, so be smart! Do not let her sabotage your career.

[@taniathomas7353]

@@playalot8513 I’ve already weaned myself from her. Maybe I made the mistake of telling her that I need to distance myself for awhile! She automatically assumed it’s because someone put something in my ear about her and she demanded to know why! I told her Goodnight and hung up the phone! I don’t even walk past her classroom anymore and I go the opposite direction!

[@daringgreatly8473]

@@taniathomas7353 pls pay attention about how other start treating you now that your distanced yourself. This lady may start a smear campaign against you since you broke it off with her. They all do this! If you start noticing people treating you odd please be assertive and kindly ask, “are you okay? Did I do something?” Force the lies out to the open so you can stand up for yourself. Unfortunately I didn’t do this because I assumed things would fix on its own, but it only got worse. It’s a social game with them so make sure you keep taking the high road even if they try to make you look crazy. Your healthy consistency will out shine their drama in time. The good news is many people probably already know how this person is.

[@taniathomas7353]

@@daringgreatly8473 Thank you so much! I will keep an eye out.

[@BobTheSchipperke]

Because you see through it.

[@danielledegeorge2129]

I knew it! I've seen too much and know too much. I always thought that was it, no one's ever said it aloud before so it would click. Thanks Dr. C!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're welcome!

[@ladyloungealot5119]

Yes, they do know they are doing something wrong. When I was a child, my mother would torment me for hours, punish me for, say, getting the second best grade in school, in a class of nearly 40. When she was done, and I was left a shivering dying mass, she would hiss at me: "remember; it is a deadly sin to tell others what is happening at home; if you do, you will go to hell"

[@maryhirsch8044]

I have a male friend that is always jumping on me because I am "independent." I don't ask people for help because I was raised to be strong. Things always work out for me because I believe they will and they do and I don't worry about much. One e-mail he sent me was really over the top. He was angry and telling me "I need to change" And I answered him, No, you need "needy" friends! HA!

[@chrissemenko628]

The "needler" the "friends" the more they feel validated. 1 thinks he's funny. 1 thinks he's attractive. 1 thinks he's sexy. 1 thinks he's very intelligent... So on and so forth.

[@quitageorge7532]

I just experience this and your video just popped up. This is confirmation from God letting me know what exactly is going on which is foolishness. Dr. Carter you are saving many. You are amazing!

[@vickioliver1098]

No doubt God placed him in our paths. So grateful also.

[@annking8633]

I'm one of the many Dr. C has saved and I truly believe it was divine intervention. I was at rock bottom when I found him. Have never looked back only forward. Dr. C is a blessing.

[@faithworks217]

An acquaintance told me how she was singled out for abuse in her family. Her father and oldest brother both molested her. She told me of an occasion when her brother had her pinned to the floor and was choking her while the rest of the siblings watched. She said that, when they got together as adults for dinners, her brothers and sisters still laugh about how funny she looked foaming at the mouth when she was being choked that time. I told her that they are crazy. She quickly protested, "Oh no! They're really nice people." ??????? Maybe they are capable of being nice sometimes, and don't assault her like her father and brother did, but that doesn't mean that they are good people.

[@maryhatleymeyer]

Yes, if you know too much about who they really are, it’s a disruption to the fake persona they’re trying to put out for everyone else’s consumption. Better to just ground you down into oblivion, and cry out that they are the victim! 😢

[@katthompson3852]

A question person A asked person B. A- why would somebody put a scratch down the side of a new Mustang? B- to level the playing field, and... no matter how much you've got or who you are... you can't stop me from doing this. That just says it all! Mean spirited control freak that doesn't care who they hurt. As long as it makes them feel better. Total toddler with no EQ development.

[@wissn2112]

When they have ranted on you. Any point they can't deflect. They say oh shut up or drop it. Blame you for trying to resolve anything. If that doesn't work. They make innuendo and or threats to cause more reaction to blame you for.

[@5smoothstonesproject740]

They are a very miserable person. They are extremely tormented. The application of knowledge is power. Slectiveness meanness is only towards the one who knows toooo much like a spouse. Nobody would not believe me if I told them of this chronic manipulative abuse. But Dr. C., I am saddling my horse.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Best wishes to you.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I am the scapegoat and have had more than enough crap from Dad. No-contact is working for me!

[@andresalvarez1732]

Empaths need to use selective meanness too. It could be akin to the 'tough love' that parents show to their children. I'm an INFJ Heyoka Empath and I've needed to be mean to people, narcissists and sociopaths or not, who with a sense of entitlement try to exploit my generosity and kindness and-or mistake my attributes for weaknesses they can take advantage of and trample over for their own benefits.

[@NeonCicada]

🙁 People never NEED to be mean -- they CHOOSE to be mean. Given your virtue signaling language it's clear that you believe yourself to be better than people with narcissistic or antisocial personality styles. So, if you WANT to be better than those people -- you need to ACT better than those people. Don't think just because someone is an empath, they can't also have narcissistic patterns or other toxic personality styles. _(because empaths can and many of us do)_ Using "selective meanness" says less about others...and more about you.

[@NeonCicada]

@@RN-gx7wt Your comment feels more destructive than constructive. I can be harsh sometimes but that honestly sounds like you were just trying to tear someone down...simply because you could. _My question to you being:_ WHY on earth should we care what you think? lmao

[@sll110]

@@RN-gx7wt he maybe, maybe not Empathy person, a deeply hurt Empathy can also angry, like meaness.

[@sll110]

@@NeonCicada maybe all misunderstandings, we can't judge so quickly

[@jeanetteshawredden5643]

@@RN-gx7wt spoken like a true narcissist

[@lesliewoolnough7871]

It starts small like your forgetful when you’re asked to do a task for them and they will repeat the task 4 times to keep teaching you to be forgetful so they can keep using that word to control you Forgetful the word becomes the trigger

[@faithworks217]

I've had to deal with narcissists, and I have to deal with narcissism in myself, to repent of being self-centred. My ex was an alcoholic and he fooled around on me, but the problems in our marriage were not entirely on his side. Of all the people in my life who had toxic personalities, the worst ones were my father and an ex-boyfriend. It was easy to understand why my father went that way. His mother died in childbirth when he was seven. There were six kids in the family, including a little girl who survived the birth, though her twin died. She had a heart defect, so she was given into the care of wealthy relatives who could afford her medical expenses, while my grandfather returned to England with his sons, kept the oldest with him, put the youngest in care of relatives, and placed my father and two of his brothers in a convent orphanage for boys. My father was very bitter that wealthy relatives in the US offered to raise him, but his father refused their offer. To top it off, the nuns in that convent were cruel. My father grew up mad at God for his mother's death, angry at his father because he felt rejected when he was put in the orphanage, and he hated women because of those mean nuns. He was an alcoholic and violent. Thankfully, he didn't raise me. My mother left him when I was 2 1/2. The boyfriend was a very popular, charismatic person. I was 17 and he was 21. He treated me like crap as soon as he realized I was hooked on him. It was his MO, to get women hooked on them, then mistreat them as revenge for his wife leaving him for another man. I think he probably mistreated that wife and it is no wonder that she left him. He chased after a lot of women, but the only ones he ever fancied he was in love with were those who were not impressed with him, or stopped being impressed with him, and refused to go out with him anymore. Eventually, I had enough clues to figure out where his narcissism started. Sexual abuse when he was a little boy, and his mother turned a blind eye to it. No excuse for how he treated other people, but it explained his aberrations. Knowing how much it hurts to be abused, it is all the more reason why one should not abuse others, especially those who are completely innocent of having participated in abusing the narcissist.

[@suesipp2575]

They know just what they are doing! They keep you stuck in your weakness! Your body will become ill and your blessing will stop! All of life will go down and down! I held on in private my light within, and got the courage to break away. And it's taking me four years of deep healing of my inner being. Im slowly getting myself out there, exposing me again.. but this time without all those blocks from abuse. Now i got me, and can feel the energy of another who wants to hurt you.

[@kellycrawford7283]

Thank you so very much Dr Carter. I have been married to a covert narcissistic woman for over 14yrs. I have suffered much indignity and had almost lost myself. Now I understand enough that I recognize the plays. I feel empowered and can make sense of things again. I’m very grateful.

[@jacquelinelenarz3267]

Thank you for sharing and caring! Gus looks so cozy on the couch.

[@Cheryl_Haydon]

You are so right, Dr. C. My ex husband wanted to ultimately destroy me, but he's only made me stronger. Thanks to his narcissism, I know exactly what I want for the rest of my life.

[@LeahIsHereNow]

Thank goodness I don’t really have any vulnerable spots anymore. I believe in myself, and nobody will ever ever ever take that away from me again. If they don’t like me, that’s their problem. I certainly don’t go around trying to knock other people down, and I think anybody who tries to do it to me was never worth my time anyway. See… It’s a catch 22… I don’t care what narcissists think of me. I don’t care what really anybody thinks of me because I’m good with me. Pretty easy once you figure it out.

[@sll110]

Great, ne too

[@nancymorris3286]

Amazing, isn't it? Drives them nuts when you just don't care!

[@gwensavoie4877]

Oh YES ! Im the same i always say "i love me" sorry about you!!! Lol great way to be!

[@emotown1]

It’s odd that our entire legal framework, civil rights etc, is based on the Enlightenment views of basic equality between all people, regardless of class, gender, race, education. And then along comes a narcissist.

[@bcampbell1826]

No contact is the best way to deal with the "Emotional Vampires"

[@kennethlapointesongwriter3330]

Imo a full-blown narc can cross previously uncrossed boundaries into the realm of criminality---mental and emotional abuse can be a crime; gaslighting with actual crimes such as toxic substances or liquids, toxic fumes, etc. No longer just mind games. Some are probably steps away from a sociopath or psychopath if they think the target 'deserves' it. After all, no conscience, no remorse, no sense of right or wrong other than it serves their purpose are dangerous in an otherwise intelligent human being.

[@grantaugustyniak6667]

One of my favorite things to say to them when they say mean & cruel things is “ umm I don’t feel a bit moved by that statement “ and then walk away or hang up the phone or end the text … asap !

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That works!!

[@mandyhoskin4]

Thank you. That's my homework: creating distance. Tricky but necessary.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You can do it!

[@SandraMuller-vs8ck]

Absolutely hitting the nail on it’s head. Communication is the basic form of interaction but he was not cooperating. He will write giving me instructions as to what is next on the agenda. He is sighted driving down my street in a erratic fashion to give me an indication it was him. when he is sighted driving down my street several times a week, I observe him with other women. I have also sighted him in the shopping mall in hand clasped with another male individual. I feel very blessed to be on the outside. Thanks for this message. ❤

[@mommaboombam3764]

Your mind is very precious. Life is like a tight rope. Balance the mind and you can walk across and make it safely and with a solid sound mind.

[@EngineeringChampion]

"The backhanded compliment"--love that!

[@butterflygirl2285]

IMO - My sibling is mean to so many of his relatives, but it has been done on a rotational basis of selective cruelty over the years. For some reason the relatives appear to forgot about his personality over time: they remain warm and trusting towards the sibling despite their history with him. So, if the sibling is venomous, everyone chooses to automatically believe his version of the story. Such weird behavior from people who should know better.

[@TheeyeOftruth-yx2np]

You're a beautiful soul DR Les, Thank you so much for this, Absolutely stupendous, Peace, love, Respect to you, Gus and everyone, Thank you universe 💛💙😃😃💜🌌🌈🐎🐉😊👽☘♘🌝🌷🌚🐶🌹🦄🌲😍😇😇👁

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thank you.

[@TheeyeOftruth-yx2np]

@@SurvivingNarcissism You're always welcome DR Les, Thank you for everything, Peace, love, Respect to you 😃🌈🌌💜💙❤💛💚😃

[@wordswordswords8203]

I wonder why they can't change. I mean I know they don't want to but I wonder why they can't.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Sometimes I think of it the same as math or art or languages. Some people just have a natural knack for it, and with others, it's just not in them.

[@wordswordswords8203]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Very interesting observation about that. Like they just have a built-in deficit for self-reflection or empathy. Another reason not to take their bad behavior personally. Thanks Dr. Carter!

[@peacerun]

This is one of your BEST videos!!!

[@RedRubyStones]

Dr. C, I like that you can chuckle with your information in your video! It helps to chuckle with you and to release some of that stress that comes with this topic!

[@diamondznpearlz2133]

This is spot on! This is the best video about narcissism I have ever watched. Thank you.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are quite welcome.

[@panfried7566]

When I asked her to show gentleness and kindness, she scoffed and showed her hypocrisy (she's chirstian, duh). I really never thought about it this way that I was "accusing" her and coming down on her case. but come to think of it, she just cannot be viewed as less-than-perfect. I didn't know that I "knew" too much. hence the meanness. thanks, Dr. C.

[@nancymorris3286]

@@LiveforHim73 I guess they missed the verse that God is love.

[@TommyKLG]

Wow! This is exactly my experience. I’m only just realising what’s been going on for years… 😫🤦🏼‍♂️

[@susanbaker3480]

This totally describes my daughter. Rich, beautiful, venomous. Please realize that narcissism is not necessarily caused by the parent. Our whole culture is reinforcing narcissism, especially of the rich and “beautiful people”.

[@whendays659]

The "fixed script" and "apologist" language was very helpful. Ty.

[@phil562]

The re-framing in this video is helpful. I'd like to see more videos about recovering from decades of exposure to a narcissist. Every time I watch these videos, they describe my wife perfectly. Unfortunately, I see also that 30 years of exposure to her meanness has changed me for the worse. I'm in counseling now for anger, which I have now under control. In the recent past, I would explode when her meanness would appear. Now I ask "do you need to talk to me with that tone?". Now, on this journey, I'm looking for help to get rid of the anger and meanness I accidentally learned from her. People, get counseling, don't just rely on these videos.

[@ΜαρίαΣταυροπούλου-γ8φ]

Thank you so much for this video, it puts all things in order, so helpful for understanding and healing!!! 👍🙏💯