Why Nice Guys Secretly Struggle With Depression

[@PlayerXIII]

Two speakers on masculinity that have changed my life, in one place I wish this could be a recurring series!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Stay tuned, I'm gonna get this guy back whatever it takes.

[@movewithmike]

Congratulations on your fifth child! Thank you and Dr. Glover for the fantastic interview. There is no one that I know of who makes content for men like you two. I loved that you acknowledged how we've been trained since we were boys to be ashamed of being a man. So true for me!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hey Mike, glad this one resonated with you! We don't have to settle for how we were trained. We can choose to retrain ourselves into the men we want to be.

[@cklux2011]

I discovered Dr Glover and Nice Guy Syndrome from your interview with Mikhalia Peterson. Thank you for that life changing Aha moment of “oh, now I understand why and how being ‘nice’ can be toxic to a relationship”

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's such a great book! Glad this was helpful.

[@ggus1991]

Dr Glover's work is amazing. It started me on the journey of becoming a better man, and I'll be eternally grateful for that. The only "criticism" I have of his work is that there seems to be too much content focused on "getting the woman", and not enough on "building a shared legacy with the woman". This reflects in his latest book, and his views on monogamy. Maybe that was not his goal, or what the market wants, and that's ok. Dr. Glover has his "all the way in" concept that gets into some of that, but I'm not sure if that's enough to prevent men from falling into their avoidant tendencies, excusing themselves with "abundance thinking". This is where I think Adam's work on attachment functions as a much needed complement to that. People need to learn how to build long-term relationships too. And the role of attachment has been incredibly ignored by the relationship/dating advice world. Great interview, thanks for sharing this interesting conversation!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for taking the time to comment. Very thoughtful reply here. I encourage people to keep in mind that much of Dr. Glover's work was created during a time when men were so lost that they couldn't even begin to find a healthy woman to connect with. Today we look at building legacy together and crafting a life as a couple, but we're standing on the shoulders of men like him who started that conversation in the first place with "Find her first." Now you and I get to shape the next step, which is an exciting way to carry on his work.

[@ggus1991]

@@AttachmentAdam absolutely, what a time to be alive! :) And the fact that this "criticism" is more a reflection of the times where Dr. Glover started rather than of the work itself only highlights the quality of his work and the positive impact it had on so many people. Nothing but gratitude for this man, hope he sticks around for many years and continues giving his gifts to the world.

[@TylerSantinelli]

No More Mr Niceguy was recommended to me a while ago, and it totally blew me apart. Really great book. Now if only I could get my father to read it...

[@AttachmentAdam]

You can embody it to him, and even quote it to him.

[@KiltedTupiniquin]

Wow!!! Can't wait for this...

[@AttachmentAdam]

It was an incredible interview. Let me know how you like it.

[@marinastant5249]

Wow this is fantastic. Dr. Glover uses such incredible and clear language to make sense of our masculine and feminine needs. Such a fan of ALS and he keeps helping me!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad you're here, and I am also a huge fan of Dr Glover!

[@Sh0n0]

Your a fan of lou gehrigs disease? 🤔

[@LifeofFana]

Two extremely intellectual individuals sharing their knowledge, very timely and needed for today’s society! Keep up the good work, you’re changing lives!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks, glad you found this valuable!

[@Yalokin_Stormrage]

Adam's face screams: "contain the fanboy, let it out a little bit at a time, do not explode" 😅 Also, if you continue doing interviews like this, I think Dr. Julie Smith and her book "why has nobody told me this before" would do for a very interesting conversation 👍

[@AttachmentAdam]

Haha, it was a wonderful experience and a dream come true!

[@awmpropertygroup3839]

May God guide in making impact in so much needed area...bringing awareness and serving men that is critical for healthy future relationships in families, marriages and workspace. Thank you both!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for your heartfelt message! Your support means a lot to us as we work towards making a positive impact.

[@daedus88]

Delighted to see you both talk. My framework as a therapist was from attachment and clients came in with his book No More Mr. Nice Guy and I read it and I wondered if it was anxious attachment. Glad to get confirmation from ye that it is. Great to see that attachment is being spoken about. It is key to so much!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for sharing! Wonderful to hear that attachment work is being spread around and people are able to get help!

[@ethanstump]

A favorite camus quote is that nothing is more despicable than respect based on fear. Many men don't respect certain women because they believe these women are respectful, but because they are fearful of judgment, fearful of being looked down upon, fearful of being left out, fearful of letting down themselves, fearful of loneliness, fearful of being insulted, fearful of having to do difficult things, fearful of not having a purpose and more. Once you actually work through that fear, once you realize that you are good, once you realize you can do difficult things, once you no longer fear the judgement of others, you can actually focus on your own life, focus on improving it, focus on being authentic, focus on the things you want to versus all the things society says you should focus on. Masochism can be just as pathological as sadism.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I firmly believe all people should be respected, and that all should give respect to others. That's the basis for healthy relationships. What that respect looks like might vary based on relationship dynamics, but it all comes down to respect. And respecting yourself first is most important of all.

[@ethanstump]

@@AttachmentAdam how do you deal with bad faith actors then? i believe that most people are respectful, and that you should respect people until they give you very good reasons not to. i'm fond of the notion of carl poppers paradox of tolerance, in that to maintain a tolerant society we can't tolerate intolerance. it's why i think most people are okay with deplatforming Neo-Nazis, because they know that they destroy the social contract, and thus aren't held to its terms. as the quote says, Your right to swing your arms ends just where the other man’s nose begins

[@resourcefullawyer]

Thank you for sharing this interview. Your joy in talking to Dr. Glover is so fun to watch and congratulations!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad you enjoyed it!

[@gustavomiranda5954]

Learned about Adam´s work in Modern Wisdom podcast, bought his book( Exausted Wives, Bewildered Husbands), which really helped me overcome some issues in my life and marriage. This year, through reading Dr Glover book, i found that when i was younger, long before my marriage i had some Nice guys traits, but thank god i did overcome it..i dont know how.. Great masters, keep doing great work

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hey there, thank you for these kind words and all of your support. Glad you have found value in this work. I love to hear that your marriage is getting better! Keep going, and let me know how I can help.

[@JeffreySchwinghammer]

Great nuance here from Adam @38:03 - "We don't have to solve it ourself."

[@AttachmentAdam]

I knew you'd like that part.

[@Foxie770]

28:38 I have a similar attitude and approach as Dr Glover has. Decisive, resourceful, lifelong mastery.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad to hear that!

[@Yalokin_Stormrage]

Yeeees! I have been dreaming of this moment for years! For years!! Having read your books has helped me immensely

[@AttachmentAdam]

This was a huge moment for all of us. Dr Glover is incredible. And even kinder in person, which was a relief.

[@deveugene7]

Thank you for this interview. I want a men's group that talks about this stuff!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hey there, we discuss issues like this all the time in my private community. Want to join us? adamlanesmith.com/the-attachment-circle/

[@Astral_Dusk]

They absolutely suffer - the "niceness" is not just avoiding confrontation but almost like an illusion of being at peace on the outside to compensate for the overall lack of peace among the emotional wellbeing within.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Agreed, it's about running away and fear, which is awful to experience

[@levalas91]

36:50 i'll make these 3 questions a cheatsheet, screensaver or a tattoo even. maybe we all should. - We need more of this by the way.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Great move. Write them down and don't forget them. I've got a lot more coming, so stay tuned. And I've got a live event on here Tuesday night at 7pm Central time, I'd be glad to see you there.

[@dkartzinel]

Great video! I definitely went and ordered his next book, No More Mr. Nice Guy was amazing. Loved seeing Adam geek out a little too. 🙂

[@AttachmentAdam]

He's excellent, and geeking out was a certainty. 🤣

[@michaelbateson8636]

Wow Adam! Really great to see you landing some great guests! I listened to Dr Glovers book and found it hard to listen to, but I'll be getting a paper copy and giving it another shot! Again, well done for your continuing success and thank you for all that you've done! Love to you and yours xx

[@AttachmentAdam]

It’s definitely worth a second look, check it out. And thank you so much for all your support!

[@Claframb]

Thanks Adam for this interview

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for watching!

[@SurprisingLee]

Thank you for this interview Adam. It was interesting.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad you enjoyed it!

[@sarahmika6649]

You help me a lot. Keep on going ❤️

[@AttachmentAdam]

I will, thank you! Let me know how else I can help.

[@betterourselves]

Good job. Thanks.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for watching!

[@david9920]

I love this information attachment can be mastered for men with our problem solving minds.I think loneliness has increased exponentially in the past10 years or so .do not know the the outcome of future maybe we break into techno tribes. But I do know that I can deal as long as there is love concern for each other

[@AttachmentAdam]

You're right that love is what's going to matter most in the future. I believe we are seeing a splintering back into tribes for now but we are also seeing people waking up to the need for human connection and authentic love, and that is very encouraging. How are you doing during this process? Have you found a tribe for yourself?

[@ReyesRP]

Dr Sue Johnson has good books on attachment as well. Also here on KZbin Heidi Priebe has some great videos on attachment.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for the tip!

[@JonasFromWinden]

I would like to know, if there will be audiobook of The Big Stick on Audible?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Not sure, but I hope so!

[@king-nick2023]

Honestly this is pretty challenging.. I'm pretty content mentally with myself. However even when I'm with married women it seems they are constantly seeking validation and attention. Passive aggressive when they don't get it. It's emotionally draining working with these women. I understand it but don't at the same time

[@AttachmentAdam]

Navigating these dynamics can be exhausting. How do you typically handle these situations to maintain your own well-being?

[@PlantNews]

Real question here - I got this book for my husband and asked him to read it. He read a couple pages and gave up on it. What can I say to convince him it's good for HIM to venture into it?

[@AttachmentAdam]

It was life changing for every man I know who ever read it.

[@alexkatsanos8475]

In the Parsifal Myth according to Robert Johnson’s book “He” states Parsifal, after stumbling upon the Grail Castle as a Youth and not asking the question, which would free the Grail King from his suffering, spends the rest if his life looking for it When all seems lost, it is a woman Who tells him where it is…”down that way, to the left cross the drawbridge” the woman knows it’s always there and doesn’t understand why we men don’t see it. But the women don’t understand that without straight ahead action, the towns, houses and roads they live in and travel upon don’t get built. Problems to be solved. That is what men do. We solve problems. And a Scott Peck reference. The Road Less Travelled is a must read…spent years at #1 on the NY Times Best seller list. First time I ever heard the idea of having a specific time for a couple to air their problems, and only during that time was Dr. Peck.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for the recommendations!

[@alexkatsanos8475]

@@AttachmentAdam there is also the companion book Robert Johnson wrote called “She”

[@rooderoo12]

Great advice thanks. However removing the profanity would help with credibility. 😊

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for the tip! And I'm glad you enjoyed the interview.

[@nimalanganesan3135]

Hello what's the name of the new book? I can't find it on Amazon

[@AttachmentAdam]

The Big Stick

[@vivianvennicia]

You two are super cute together.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks 🤣

[@usinelachine8087]

important lessom at 43:30

[@nimalanganesan3135]

Can someone please tell me the name of the new book?

[@AttachmentAdam]

The Big Stick

[@gordo6908]

marketing a forum service as community

[@AttachmentAdam]

?

[@user-pv2dp4dq8b]

I want to believe a lot of what you guys say. It would be convenient. However, when I think back to my past failed marriage...and really all my past relationships with women... I really struggled to communicate because I didn't know how to make the message more direct and simple. Here's an example. Woman: What do you want for dinner? Me: Chicken. Woman: We could go to that Indian place. Me: That's fine. Woman: Do you want Indian or did you want me to make chicken? And on...and on........ and on. Or this... Woman: I don't understand why you're so upset with me. Me: Because I told you not to disturb me while I'm working. I told you not to knock on the door unless there was a fire. You interrupted me to ask a question that could have waited. Woman: Oh everything is my fault! Me: I tried asking you nicely, I was very clear. It seems like asking you calmly never works. I have to beat you with a stick to get you to hear me. Or... Me: Let's hit the Home Depot and then grab something to eat. I'm starving and I've only got about an hour before I shift into grouchy mode. *At Home Depot* Woman: Can we swing by the thrift store after this, it's right over there. Me: I'm really hungry. Let's grab a quick bite first. Woman: Well it's right there in the same strip center, I just need to grab one thing. Me: Fine, go get it while I check us out here. *After checking out, she's still inside. I go in to look for her.* Woman: Hey Honey, look at this. Don't you think it would be cute for your mom? Me: What are you doing? We're not shopping right now. Did you get the thing? Woman: Well while we're here... Me: Im officially grouchy now. I want to eat now. Woman: Well, I need to shop for something for christmas for soandso, you can look at the book section over there and I'll meet you. Me: I'm leaving right now to go eat. If you don't come with me, I'm going to leave you here and come back when I'm done. I'm officially pissed off now. .... Sorry guys but being super specific and direct rarely works in my experience. I'm dependable, I'm honorable, I provide for my woman and I make her feel safe. I do what I say I'm going to do. Apparently, all that is not enough to get their respect. Meanwhile, druggy bad boys who are so irresponsible and flakey that they can't keep a job or function as a father.... are real men that deserve respect. That's the reality I live in. Getting a woman who I can communicate simply and directly with.... has never been a reality. Maybe I've been going for the wrong type but... it's not easy finding one that's not a brainwashed disney princess.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Your last line makes sense, that you might be aiming for the same type of woman each time. That's extremely common for men. The situation doesn't improve until you learn to value different behaviors, filter for compatibility, and stop your old patterns. Always compatibility check!

[@usinelachine8087]

feels like an add

[@AttachmentAdam]

This hourlong interview? In what way?

[@dandaman9009]

Read the book, still not helping, every day I fight thoughts of ending my miserable lonely existence

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling so much. It sounds like you're going through a really tough time. Please remember that you don't have to face these challenges alone. If you're open to it, reach out to me at [e-mail] - and we can work together to find the perfect solution for you.

[@susannelejonstjarna5634]

Hope you’re still whit us.

[@dandaman9009]

@@susannelejonstjarna5634 every day I don’t wake up and become a shooter or kill myself is a miracle

[@jorgejungl]

Glover's book is excellent. But Adam looks out of shape. I would be careful taking relationship advice from someone who doesn't care about their physical appearance.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for the feedback Jorge. Working on this as we speak. Stay tuned!

[@Blacktiinkerbell]

That’s harsh Jorge. Adam is a handsome man and he has a lot of insightful things to share that I did not find just going to the average local therapist. If anything it makes him more credible in the relationship arena because most of us are navigating relationships without being physically perfect specimens the entire relationship/marriage or ever.