Why People Are Mean... Let Narcissists Show You

[@guy2342]

i think people that are mean are that way because it gives them a sense of power by affecting you with their meanness. I've noticed when you grey rock these kinda people, they always come back harder like "oh yeah?!?!?! i'll show you!!" Like you said, it's from a sense or insecurity, and they just want that feeling to go away. You gotta learn to no take it personally. It's literally never about you. once you realize that, it stops affecting you.

[@Don-uw1rh]

You're so right. I agree with you that narcissists have low self-esteem. I heard this saying: "How do you become the tallest building on the block if you only have 5 floors, but the other buildings have 50 floors? Answer: You tear the other buildings down to 1 floor. Now, you're the tallest building on the block." In other words, narcissists are only confident because they tear others down. There's ZERO confidence innately from these toxic people. So if you're around a narcissist, prepare to feed into their narcissistic supply by giving up 99% of your floors. And that's if you're lucky, because they really want to demolish your entire structure.

[@MISSLODI73]

I totally agree with you. Lowest self esteem individuals I've ever encountered.

[@donnabryan9903]

They are mean because we allow them to be. I can say this now because my game is over and I would never allow someone to be this cruel to me again. Game playing is not a relationship. They are very insecure and use the mean card to show power that they donot have. We buy into it because they have set us up to believe that their mean is normal. We did wrong or they would love us like they did in the beginning, not true. It was a set up for future harm to us or they would have left us if we were as bad as they claim. They were never leaving they love the turmoil. You staying in the choaos allows them to believe that you will let them get away with anything and still stay with them, no consequences for their horrible behavior. Love yourself and go no contact, that is your only hope. I speak from experience, it doesn't get better, only worse.

[@sunshines4555]

They may have others treat me like crap for them, but they won't get the pleasure again...

[@shanicebrison7976]

I

[@breegebohan3423]

Where is the link to the article you are referring too?

[@anm9059]

In my experience, narcissist are very damaged people with deep emptiness. chances are, some parent forgot to show them love and they will occasionally bring this up from time to time if you get to know them. This trauma will be presented though as, "If I didn't have that upbringing, I wouldn't be so successful, amazing, blah blah blah that I am today." they will present to you some type of high quality life style/relationship you will have if you stay by their side and love them. Because so many people have disappointed them, they will make you earn their love. your love to them is what they have always wanted. you nurturing them, is you nurturing that wounded child. you are what they always wanted, if only you can show that it is real and not leave. But your love is like a drug to them. the more they take from you, the more they need, it ends up never being good enough for them. they start to lose respect for you because you stop caring for yourself. your career has stalled, you no longer have your own hobbies, you don't have money for new clothes and hair. your time, money and energy all went to the narc. The narc takes you for granted and wants what they can't have love from a new fresh source, so they start looking. But God forbid you leave them, you will abandon the neglected child and that child (themself) is the only one who is important here in their eyes. When you finally decide you deserve more than the narc can offer, you let them know it's over, but you try to let them know you just want everyone to be happy and that is why you are leaving. They want you to know you are trash, they never loved you, you are an embarrassmemt to bring around their friends, they were going to leave you anyways. instead of talking any issue out like an adult, the wounded child will rage, put blame on you, say evil things so they don't have to be vulnerable or give you the satisfaction of closure for your own healing.

[@Bar_Bar27]

happy a BS.. i grew up like this without love or affection yet im very empathic have a big heart and not trying to hurt people on purpose. BS.. i font believe all narcs have been abused or not showed love. Even normal people who are not narcs or codependents have been abused in some way or many ways in their childhood. Narcs are very weak people who afraid of genuine and real love and emotions toward others because they only think about themselves. They dont want others to feel better than they do.. its the way they behaved as children, very envy of their siblings and they couldn't handle it when others had something they didn't had. I think even normal people can behave like that as children its just that they grow up from this kind of thinking and understand that we all deserve to feel good about ourselves and we all deserve what we want in life. Narcs never grew up from that childhood thinking thay had.. they introduce themselves as adults but theyre absolutely NOT!

[@elleeme9451]

That's a bullshit excuse. That's an excuse a narcissist would make. Many people grow up abused or in deprivation and do not become narcissists.

[@bigbear3694]

Yes, When you recover and move on from a narcissistically abusive relationship/friendship - You will not be the same person again. Nor would you want to be ! - You are wiser, stronger, have more insight and i think more self love or appreciation. Life gets better and simpler when you leave them and move on. It hurts for a long time. Truly. But you do begin to make steps, if you try and consistently keep to your new found values and boundaries. At first you label everybody a narc! - Or at least i did. But you begin to realise that, its a spectrum and it comes in many subtle shades. We all have some of the tendencies in my opinion, but true NPD people are like people in a coma. They don't even se what damage they cause around them, or to themselves . ...

[@Julie_Serenity]

So you lived to tell the tale huh? I'm glad to hear that. Not many people get out without being completely and utterly destroyed. There's always hope I suppose, as long as we don't turn out like them just for the purpose of our survival....

[@heidiaguilar1257]

yes, so true.

[@sunshines4555]

Never again shall I allow it, or this individual to darken the threshold that is the doorway to my life with the shadow of their presence again...

[@azaramoon4027]

@J.L. Mc Have a weekly aromatherapy massage, change to an organic diet, go on holiday on your own [ if you can ], take vitamin / mineral supplements, keep a journal, get a Siamese cat. These are some ideas.

[@persiamotorman]

If someone is a happy person, they don't have time for envy, betrayal, lies and gossip. When I see someone behaving that way, I think either they are a very miserable person or in some cases having a miserable day. It's easy to realize that, but it's not always easy to not get dragged into some kind reaction.

[@Laura-xi1vh]

Yes they may put on a facade of self love and confidence but in reality they are covering up their self hate. You can tell how much they hate themselves because the hate, accusations, & put downs they pour out on you (the target) is actually transference of how they feel about themselves.

[@skytte61]

After my NPD gets our son all riled up and angry with his narcissistic bs, he tells him, "you aren't really angry at me, you are angry at yourself." "You don't hate me, you hate yourself." Our son is only 9, and this has gone on for years. Have to ask myself if trying to preserve this family unit is worth all the suffering. It hardly seems like it.

[@pridden76]

Please do everything you can to protect your son from this. Its absolutely not acceptible to let a child experience that kind of sick behavior. Not worth it.

[@mrs8792]

ListenToLearn Sadly, how messed up are you willing to let your son become?

[@UnderstandingNarcissists]

Oh my goodness! I forgot to link the article! All fixed now. Thank you Aaronthehays!

[@saramacmillan5364]

Narcissists are like those bullies in school, but even worse. They like to tear everyone down to build up their self-esteem.

[@sandrahendricks7553]

They mask their insecurities by coming across as having high self esteem. Some hide it better than others. Some can't even mask it and they are very obvious.

[@kevinhornbuckle]

It is possible that narcissistic injury is such a regular part of our culture that is creates narcissists without there being a trauma. The individuation process is so contaminated by status seeking and humiliation dramas that normal life is not known to us anymore.

[@StillnAll]

Kevin Hornbuckle Brilliant take.

[@carbfiendjack2901]

To get true pathological narcissists, the kind that ruin people's lives in desperate pursuit of narcissistic supply, there needs to be a massive infusion of shame throughout early childhood from a single abusive, unloving, dominant parent to the point that it creates a sadistic superego. The pattern appears invariably to be that NPDs have one dominant, unloving, abusive parent and one weak, submissive enabler parent The sadistic superego is the most important aspect of the narcissistic personality; in pathological narcissists, it's a psychic feature that disables the ability to produce self-worth and self-esteem on one's own and consequently leads to the total reliance on an external system of validation (narcissistic supply). Pathological narcissists were infused with such a powerful sadistic superego, so early on, and from such an important source (parents, who are supposed to be loving, trusted, and nurturing to get a mentally healthy child) that their psychological features are dramatically different from anything a toxic, narcissistic culture and social environment alone could create, even in severe cases In those that are highly susceptible to shame and are unable to process it there's two reactions: the aggressive, resistance reaction and the submissive, wallowing, nonresistance reaction. Those two reactions are the foundations of the narcissistic personality and the "codependent" personality respectively. Narcissism is simply the aggressive, resistant, denial approach to unprocessable shame; it's a defense mechanism that's very common in our society. Still, the "narcissists" created by social environments tend to just be assholes while the narcissists created by child abuse are almost invariably destructive monsters with severe psychological abnormalities and mental illness. The relationship dynamics with parents and children in early childhood are surprisingly far more important than we think

[@StillnAll]

Bring On The Nukes The thing, so to speak, of this is that many of us don't see it coming. Only in retrospect can we clearly measure the degree to which the abusive parent (s) impacted the narcissist. Narcissists are extremely adept at hiding not only themselves, but hiding behind others for cover. They use. Period. If the narcissist has children, we are forced to assess the damage done to the children, which takes place immediately, but we are also forced to look ahead in time so as to "deprogram" if you will, the already damaged children, in an effort to derail future generations of narcissism. It's a sickness that combined with alcoholism, perversions and high intelligence, is a catastrophe that multiplies itself by the millions everyday. The issue of hiding themselves behind false personas, which reflects a generally affable person, is a complete contradiction to their true selves; thusly, they buy a lot of time, wherein major damage to innocent lives occurs and unfortunately, it's way late when they're discovered. If discovered, incredibly, the narcissist lies quite beautifully, buying even more time, disgracing more innocent lives as they heap more and more upon those they claimed to care for. In the end, a narcissist is a cruel, twisted waste of not only their own lives, but everyone they touch.

[@kevinhornbuckle]

Yes, the deceptiveness is the main way it reproduces across generations. Child abuse by narcissists is very serious for this reason.

[@Acquisition1913]

a+

[@humanagain4341]

I agree with you, that narcissists are insecure. I think this is one of the reasons they are often trying to get validation from others and are always trying to align themselves with prominent people or the "in crowd."

[@misphotod]

They're definitely insecure. I thought the opposite for a long time, but they are just so out of touch with any sort of real connection with themselves that all of their "confidence" is completely surface level and full of cracks. If you pay attention to when they flip out or puff themselves up, it's always when something has threatened their pristine self image that they tell themselves is also how everyone else sees them. Protecting that image is all they care about. That image may seem complex and may include narratives to make them seem caring to the entire town or confident in themselves, but beneath that is a void they've hidden from themselves their entire lives, and anything that might expose that seems to trigger them to the extreme, deflecting anything that could make a deeper connection possible.

[@fadista7063]

It seems like they are everywhere--I wish I had listened to my gut instead of learning the hard way.

[@SupremeAtheist]

They try hard to insult me ! She thinks she’s the one.

[@Mariposa-nz4tv]

When a person begins school, it's a time of apprehension, a fear of the unknown. My mother was told to lie, by her mother, and say she was six, when she was only five years old on the first day of school. She was seated in the front row. Her good friend walked up to her desk & said "I want to sit by you, but I was put way back there." There was an empty desk next to my mother, so SHE said, "I don't think she'd care." The teacher thought my mother was saying the teacher didn't care about them; she yelled immediately at my mother, & made her come up & sit under her desk all morning, totally & irreparably humiliating & harming her. Later, the teacher came to my mother's house to visit, during which time no one addressed the issue. To this day, my mother makes ALL her wishes & intents loudly known to all. She throws furniture around in doctors' offices & auto repair shops. She pulls my hair, & screams & calls names. She acts out, & throws absolute hissy fits, to make up for that narcissistic injury to a little girl in Little Rock, in 1937.

[@freetobeme8954]

My Best friend picks up narcissist tendencies i.e. narcissistic fleas when she's around her mother I can always tell when she's been over to her moms.

[@Julie_Serenity]

narcissistic fleas!! that's brilliant!!

[@JackieT14]

I think you're so right on the fact they are very insecure even though at times they portray the complete opposite. Also the fear of being on their own, I've finally walked away in early December after at least 7 breakups in 5 years. It wasn't easy, I left him back in despite having watched your's and others videos until my eyes bled :-), with the usual , you're the one, I'm so so sorry and I miss you so much, I made a mistake, I've stopped running, etc etc blah blah bull, but it ended when my gut and my head eventually kicked in, not nice, I found out what I thought was going on was just the tip of the iceberg. But what I also discovered this time was his biggest fear was being on his own!! so any supply will do,no matter where he gets it, from, thank you so much for your videos, they've got me through some very bad times

[@Julie_Serenity]

I'm so happy for you!! The truth is always right there in front of us, all it takes is for us to open our eyes.

[@sunshines4555]

They copy me even though my life sucks lol... this person is truly sick and obsessed

[@rebeccab.463]

You made an interesting statement in this video, saying that you could have become a narcissist in a different enviroment, but because you grew up with one that was not going to happen. I found that a fascinating statement and would love to hear more about this as it carries a kind of hope for children growing up in these enviroments. Would you consider doing a video on this. Thank You Scott.

[@BrendaBaBoom]

Bright and insightful young man! It's so freeing and empowering to step back and observe and LEARN about this disorder since our world is well populated with these unfortunate mofos.

[@carolynrisen6212]

That is beautiful! I was just doing exactly what you said - let the narcissist improve your life! Yes, mine was extremely neat, well organized and a great gardener - how I miss that side of him, by the way! So I was just out cleaning out the garage and thinking about that - so uncanny to come in and hear you suggest just what I was doing. You're really sharp, and I appreciate your videos immensely!

[@choosepeacetoday]

Good way to look at it. If you have lemons, make lemonade. 🍋

[@brendagrunewald5977]

Only a narcissist would give a thumbs down! Any true victim of a narcissist would understand the truth you share in your videos! Thank you so much for taking the time to share what you've learned because you never know how much someone is in need of your insights! You have given me hope and I feel empowered to take back all I've given away to these vultures. May God continue to bless you and help others too!

[@mirasplace]

Valuable, logical, presented with high quality and eloquence. You choose your words carefully and you insert a lot of compassion, but also simple and common sense in your presentations. Thank you for that.

[@mrs8792]

My narc sister got me uninvited to my Fathers funeral last week. They will stop at nothing.

[@cindyfarmer1619]

Wow I'm sorry for that sweetie, but you are correct .Sad very sad .

[@soniabernatchez7466]

it s hurtful

[@MrMoon-cg2yy]

"Cruel to be Kind"...Narcs favorite song.

[@burningknuckle26]

Someone should make a website where we can post names of known narcs in our lives. even have a dating section for people screwed by narcs.

[@ejessicamercado8493]

burningknuckle26 i agree...

[@CarlosSuperCute]

Self-Protection = False Self / False Identity trying to Save itself. False Self trying to Prove its False Reality.

[@kiwifan5200]

yes they are frighten. my x was a bully but at times he was like a scared child. i kind of gnt the impression he was jealous that i could be nice no matter how horrible he was,proberbly didnt help me

[@holographicc6974]

Omg no they are NOT insecure. They’re THIRSTY! For your energy

[@kathiewippel987]

It's not direct malice that is too risky. They prefer to be the puppeteer or behind the scenes causing chaos. They don't like to get their hands dirty or put a slight on their illusion.

[@nateconnelly]

This is absolute gold.

[@Gingerbear_24]

My sister in law is soo insecure that she was trying to so hard to make me look bad to our family! For 5 freaking years she always blame me for EVERYTHING. But too bad it always back fire on her.

[@Gingerbear_24]

justa viewer fortunately, everyone in the family is in my side and believed in me Bec they have also witness how she is. Even the smallest thing like a cake she blew it out of proportion and because of a cake from Krogers 😂😂😂 they have to moved out at my mother in laws house 🏡 and luckily we can afford to live on our own so I'm far away from her. Thank God! Although my mother in law tried to convince for all of us to live together and I knew from the very start it ain't gone work lol so Yeah. And for sure I was right because one year of living with them they've been so many little nitpicks and fight here and there to the point that my brother in law had to shout at his own mother for this narcissist Bitch Bec you all know they twist and fabricate stories. I'm just here to learn more about and be educated. If I were you moved out and have no contact! You'll live a more peaceful life. 👌🏼

[@Eleni7690]

Can you say TEMPER TANTRUM! We could be sitting watching TV and talking and laughing all of a sudden he would throw in a monkey wrench and start his bullshit complaining about something that happened a year ago and purposely ruin the mood.

[@tinamchenry64]

Nobody believes it or gets it unless they've lived it...and survived. Especially the covert ones. Married legally still 25 years, separated 2+years. Took so long to figure it out. Kids are pawns :-( THANK YOU for another great vid...still recovering

[@donnaross5734]

I think your right Scott why would they act the way they do if they felt good about themselves? There would be no reason to prove themselves they wouldn't care what people think they would know they were good enough. The stalking etc is because they have a need for recognition they act the opposite of someone who feels good about themselves.. I just got rid of a roommate a girl I've known 25 yrs and actually took her daughter in years ago when she was having drug problems any way I gave her a place to stay and got her a job and of course the gaslighting started right away the lying only this time I didn't question myself got her out in 48hrs went no contact big step on my part I'm wondering How many flying monkeys my narc has? Unreal but it's one forward ten back i am no contact with any of monkeys

[@melissabassett4330]

I enjoy your videos a lot. youve been a great support system for me through my process of understanding the narcissist I was dating. Your great😊

[@LynnNeumann]

Excellent, valuable content, as always -- expertly worded.

[@alexstark8237]

Yes I think you are right . I learned so much about my experience with one narc . For example how much importend it is to protect your self. I realized as well what my role was in all of that. This brings me so much futher in my life even it was hurtfull . I think they choose to go an other way then we do to answer the Drama from there childhood. Because let's face it all of us had some Drama in childhood. We just servive in a better way. They just choose to never feel again and we did go through it and want to stay to our feelings and reality.

[@renaejones3482]

Amen! I just realized this earlier today! My experience with the narc ex boyfriend was to retaliate and give back to him what he did or said to me... WRONG! altho it is human nature to fight back. I am a Christian woman. As a Christian I strive to be pleasing to God. But ive learned thru the narc experience that being quiet during a verbaly abusive episode is of more righteous standing than fighting back. Im not saying to stay with the narc who in my.mind is an agent from satin out to destroy you, but during a confrontation its more Godly to keep quiet. In the mean time, do what you gotta do to maintain your own sanity even if its removing them from your life. Learning from the narc experience is quite liberating as far as personal growth

[@hollyab8618]

I completely agree with you about why Narcs act the way they do, at their core they are very insecure and have low self-esteem

[@deborahmartin3140]

I really enjoy your videos. I have been researching narcissism pretty hard core coming up on a year now. once I discovered I was in a relationship with one it just took over me to educate myself about what exactly had been going on. Crazy how I can relate to almost everything I have learned about them. It's like they all get handed a book to follow. You have been one of my favorite channels to listen to and you have helped me gain a deeper understanding of this horrible condition. Thank you! Cheers to you for this video. So many insightful things to take away. There are a couple of things I'd like to comment on. Low Self estem ! I completely agree with you on this. In my opinion this is one of the core issues that makes a narcissit. Living with a narcissit exposes every side of them. I understand why one would think that they have high self estem. My ex was boastful, always talked about himself, thought he was Gods gift to women, was always right, was the best at everything, and the list goes on. This is his false reality though! The one he needs to believe so he can function. If you look deeper , you can see how extremely fragile they are. His constant need for gratification opened my eyes to this. As if he needs to be surrounded by it so that he can believe the illusion he has created. As if he was trying to convince himself . I found this also in how they seem to mirror you, take on your identity as their own. My belief is that they do this because there is no self love and no sense of self. I feel they are insecure because they never developed a sense of who they are. This goes along with what you said about not being able to accept love. It's crazy! I have found that they do want love, but push away the exact thing they are seeking. They also only know their version of what love is. That does not include showing vulnerability. They would have to open themselves up to do that, and they can't. They NEED to hide. manly because they are hiding from themselves. As far as I can tell human beings in general operate with self mechanisms. Developed patterns. You really need to be careful. without awareness and self reflection defense mechanisms can control you and be destructive to yourself and others. I'm rambling, but something else you said also moved me. I too feel like I learned so much being so closely tied to a narcissit. I believe every experience and interaction with people is a chance to learn and grow. Exposing the narcissit also helped me expose things about myself and helped me understand people more. Like you it also hurt me, but there is also something to be learned from pain. Makes me aware that I don't want to cause it. And I too am very capable of doing just that. it's sad! Narcissit are still human beings. My heart breaks for them a bit. But you can not allow yourself to be surrounded by such people. Toxic environment will only bring toxicity into your life. That is where you make the choice to want better for yourself. surround yourself with positive so you can put positive out. His reality is his own. It does not have to be mine. And I'm learning that if someone doesn't want to grow with me, show respect, love and equality . They need to go. Keep up the videos. So great to be able to help each other through love and understanding. Thank you!

[@thomasschindel9762]

Again, You nail the narc recovery experience onehundred. I doubted my selves feeling that. Now I have no reason to doubt it anylonger. Thanks!! Thomas Schindel

[@LizardMoGold]

I'm getting a restraining order. I called the cops today -- they couldn't help. I wasn't able to provide proof, or describe specific abusive behavior. "You can't just kick someone out because you don't like them," they told me. So I showed the cop how N housemate physically intimidates, and the cop said, "Don't do that." I said that N does that all the time. Not good enough. Gotta show bruises.

[@ozzyoz5210]

I agree with you. .they absolutely are starved for the positive praise and acceptance of their parents..I pray for Children who need a balanced emotional connection with everyone. ..its so sad..when they grow up..they run from others who truly love them..and reject kindness due to the hurtful words their parents subjected them too...its so important people learn that if you accept yourself and know you aren't perfect they can come out of the conflict they create..thank you for this video

[@EarthenVessels]

One of the more obvious characteristics of a narcissist is their inability/refusal to self-examine. In the article you cite, unfortunately the author begins with the concept that if people are mean, usually it is about them and not you. Maybe this is true, but in reality it is not an effective way to deal with uncomfortable situations, in that, to automatically assume that one is not at fault is, in fact, to take a narcissistic stance (deflection of responsibility). As a matter of fact, in my opinion, the best way to both become immune to narcissism and to avoid becoming narcissistic in response to abuse by an NPD, is to take absolute and complete responsibility for what occurs in one's life. Too many of us careen through life, ever the victim of some narcisistic or abusive type. With this mentality, it is impossible to really recover. The solution must be, therefore, to examine the self, to learn the ways in which one participated in the dance of abuse. While it might feel good to slough off all blame upon the individual who is "mean" (and in no way do I mean that mean people do not exist or even abound in this culture)the reality is that momentary validation of our victim status brings no true relief. As a matter of fact, one can become addicted to the narcissistic paradigm-- going about in the world, seeking social validation for all the evils of this or that narcissist. My suggestion, then, is this: that when narcissism arises (for adults), it does so because a previous vulnerability existed, and unless this vulnerability is attended to by the TARGET, they will, sadly, most likely remain stuck in the relationship, or move on to another, similar one. Therefore, if a person is constantly encountering narcissism and other "mean" people, perhaps the real solution lies in understanding the parts of ourselves that--unconsciously-- invite or affirm these types. This understanding is not about blame but about facing and taking responsibility for our own lives. I have found that "victims" of narcs tend to identify themselves as "empaths" which is not particularly useful, in that the only problem of such victims is that they are incredibly moral and nice. But is it "nice" to allow someone to become a dictator in one's life? Is it moral to allow someone to--repeatedly-- injure you? I know that many of us, as innocent children, had no ability to really understand what was happening, or to escape-- and that, in some ways, made us vulnerable to this kind of treatment-- my point is that as ADULTS we do have choices, but we probably will never be free of narcs until we see the ways in which we are susceptible to them. One has to admit that there are people who neither fall for nor tolerate such nonsense-- and these sorts of people are never victimized in any really meaningful way. So, what do those folks have that we can learn from? Rather than continually examine the narcissist, might we be better off learning from these healthy folks, and seeing the ways in which we might become more like them? Likewise, spending time looking at ones own vulnerabilities to narcissists-- i.e. just WHY do they find ME so attractive, anyways? And, WHY do I keep falling for the same old stuff? In my case, when I realized that MY OWN character had areas in which it could be developed (such as, heeding red flags; creating adequate boundaries; developing trust slowly and trusting those who demonstrated that they were trustworthy; developing a strong sense of personal integrity; knowing my own likes and dislikes; being emotionally able to thrive without a partner; being able to decide for myself what I allowed in my life--to name a few things). Evil exists, but that doesn't mean we have to give ourselves over to it. To do so, is, in reality, to encourage and support abuse, which can hardly be described as moral, or nice.

[@Julie_Serenity]

I completely agree with you, and whether we call ourselves empaths or not, I think the main reason we always fall into the same trap is the "Messiah complex" a lot of people have, including myself. The moment I stop sacrificing myself for someone else that cares only about their own well-being, I'm immediately labeled as selfish, or not caring, or even cold-blooded, and since it reacts so bad with my nature, I do whatever is necessary to prove that I would go through hell just so I can fix/save/love them. And that, in the end, is the worst possible thing we could do to ourselves.

[@EarthenVessels]

One thing that a narcissist LOVES to do is to demean you into offering up your soul for their consumption; the easiest way for them to accomplish this is to capitalize on your childhood wounds, as in how we try to obtain love and approval from someone who is either incapable or unwilling-- to prove our worthiness. Then, if we question their bad behavior, they then revert to being DISAPPROVING of us. This two-pronged approach to exploiting you, however, only is effective until you catch on. For me, it is a huge red flag if someone tells me that they need me to "help" them understand basic human decency. The pitiful misfit is no longer attractive, especially once you see the flip side of that-- the outraged toddler who hates you because you refused them unlimited cookies. It is my belief that there is only one "Messiah" and it is neither the NPD, nor me. abbycharland.blogspot.com

[@Julie_Serenity]

I'm just starting to realize that massive red flag you're speaking of. Up until now, I thought it was my burden and my responsibility, because I am the person I am, to "help" them, as you said, understand BASIC HUMAN DECENCY.... which is absolutely absurd! Thank you for the link, by the way, I'm reading it right now. :)

[@EarthenVessels]

So sorry to have offended you. I was only trying to contribute to the conversation.

[@EarthenVessels]

I enjoy his channel, too, and if you are an expert you would think that you could tolerate a little discussion.

[@sabreena1khalick]

Agree, Narcs very low self-esteem n insecure. I have been living with a large Narcissist family n I am nearly 50 yrs old. My observations are they are v.v. insecure. I also think it is largely behavioural, children trauma root cause not genetic. I also think it is caused by child abuse, or overly spoilt, self- entitled children.

[@sunshines4555]

Still, once you are an adult there is no excuse. My parents!!!! What the hell!?! You are SUPPOSED to want your children to grow into happy and healthy adults and for them to have a happy life! NOT keep them REGRESSING instead of letting them progress and have some dignity. Mine have lost me forever. I am just sorry I didn't get away when I left home at 17, and that I let them keep up with every thing that I did. They ruined my life.

[@FullerLips]

I have been thinking for a long time that the only reason why people hurt is because they got hurt before, or they are afraid of getting hurt. I dont know if that could be a reason behind the mean acts, but it certainly has to do with narcissistic behaviour.

[@anniejakeman6911]

So helpful, every now and then I feel a little despondent and watching yours and some other people's videos helps sort my mind out .

[@jessrnny]

Omgoodness... This video is amazing .. Seriously this video has helped me more than any other. Thank you for all that you do. I love your calmness.. It really helps Nex

[@yvonnewhite5798]

Wow! These people are VERY INSECURE HUMANS - THEY ARE MEAN TOO THE ONES I HAVE BEEN VICTIM TO

[@liberation5521]

Thank you I really enjoyed your video and the way that you present the information right down to the semantics you use.

[@narcismebelgie]

You are so richt again. That's why I can't be angry with them, him... I feel sad for them.

[@Chasing70]

Scott you look & sound very well today. I still wish you were my friend or family. Thanks again for your work!

[@ChrystalLynnCowgirlAstrologer]

Excellent advice!!

[@natashazaikanova1850]

Be kind and be your own friend not look at yourself from another people perspective. Feel your feelings.

[@Mouna108]

To recognize and avoid drama, this is what I learned from my narc partner. Yee, and not to defend myself, because this is the biggest achievement of a narc.

[@Lisa-hc3uq]

I somewhat agree with avoiding most of drama, but when they / my ex Narc deliberately slung insults directly towards me, I had and will always defend myself, not just with him, but to anyone who questions or insults my character. I know I'm a good person and will defend myself til my dying day, that's who I am. Not specifically you Hedi, but generally speaking - If you continuously let yourself get trampled on by a Narc, your'e done..You'll sink deeper and deeper into the dark hole they are deliberately digging out for you since their intention from the start and ultimate goal is to bury you. Some of us are stronger willed than others, we can see it / the abuse happening and will leave the relationship. Others will stay because they love the Narc, will tolerate the b/s (depending on the severity) and not be affected. Others simply cannot see it happening at all, hence the dark hole theory. If you stand up to an intense Narc right away and put them in their place, they'll run away like a coward and stay away because you are on to them and wont put up with their insults and belittling tactics they are hurling at you. You simply aren't worth their time and effort as they prefer easy prey / targets that they can slowly manipulate and torture over a period of time. They cant stand the fact that you have respect for yourself when you call them out on their bullsh*t. They cop the "I didn't mean it that way", or "Why are you being mean to me?" attitude when they spew their venom at you. They are so full of themselves and self righteous, its sickening, when its plain as day what they are trying to do. Early on in my relationship, my ex narc always came back with the above comments when he'd insult me..He was testing me, I stood up to him and defended myself..Thankfully so, I flunked his test. He eventually wanted nothing to do with me because I had respect for my self and didn't take his b/s and insults, which came shortly after he idealized / love bombed me. A sure sign that his mask was beginning to slip and his true self / a monster was starting to emerge. Narcs think they are masters at being so smooth and deceitful, but they are total opposites..They are very careless and sloppy when trying to hold up their false self image and they begin to slip up, and start slipping up alot. It's as though you're watching a show so to speak, when things begin to unravel. I find it amazing how Narcs are textbook in relationships..Its like they all follow the exact same step by step manual on how to manipulate and destroy others. After my exposure and personal experience with a Narc, I have told and will continue to advise others to educate themselves on Narcissism, to learn and to be fully aware of what these evil and destructive monsters are capable of doing to human beings.

[@NextgenBeast93]

Yes he is right. I happen to know a narcissist who told me themselves how insecure they are.

[@smoothandchunky1]

My narc ex used to say during an introduction this is my friend, aunt, cousin, etc. You'll like them better than me. She was right. Very insecure.

[@smoothandchunky1]

realverdade what she should have said was, you'll like them better than because I'm a rancid bitch. Because this is really what she meant. Would've saved me a lot of time, money and trouble.

[@CKww32]

You are fantastic

[@bi37]

I really like your spot on delivery and interpretations of the narc. Please continue teaching as this is lifetime learning because a narc is born everyday and reproducing rapidly. I read the link, very interesting, unfortunately the narc I know fits the last 4 categories, the most lethal type of person. I like the way the personalities were categorized, easy to understand although it didn't go into detail about what to do for each case it gave snippets on what not to do. (they did mention that they would like to write about how to handle situations) it did give you a knowing why it's not you and what to watch out for so you are better padded against such people.

[@Ski7440]

I guess the thought goes , "Hurt people , ....hurt ". I think that's so true . No contact now for 9 months with my covert narc sister and I'm feeling a lot better and happier . She has been taken by surprise with my unusual behaviour . What is telling is she has not bothered to contact me directly at all ; except a xmas card and a birthday card last October .

[@BigDawgTE]

Just so wise, insightful and... awesome.

[@ptanyuh]

Yip, my narcissistic mother is EXTREMELY insecure and hates herself. Well, she should. She's a horrible, horrible woman.

[@sherrycaraway5663]

I had a friend that had quite a few narcissistic tenancies but not a full blown 100% narcissist. Are narcissists perfectionists as well?? This "friend" was a perfectionist and a control freak. She always had to be right. If she couldn't bully me into giving in to her any time we disagreed about something she would behave very badly. I was just wondering if narcissists or those with quite a few narcissistic tendencies are also controlling perfectionists.

[@pebblebrookbooks4852]

thx scott. we narc targets have a unique skillset, huh? too bad it's nothing we can put on a resume. grear reminder tho, cuz narcs will tell everyone the best we have to offer the world is supply!

[@JollyCelery]

I'm confused. You've said before that narcs are victims of abuse, that their lives were dominated by a narcissist and that's what turned them into one. But here you say that having been raised by one, you could never have become one. So.....are they created or is it a personal choice...

[@hollyjee87]

when you said you dont know if you would become a narcisist, i heard that its a scale and some people go to narcisism and others empathy so i dont think if you naturally could naturally change that? great info

[@keke8880]

Thanks, Scott, for making these videos and sharing your insight with us.

[@laturley7445]

Outreach can be it's own form of narcissism. In fact, I'd say that community outreach has the highest numbers of narcissists. When I was a teen I didn't understand this idea. I thought charity was a nice thing, but I was wrong. Sometimes, it's a passive aggresive attempt to belittle the people with less and make those with more feel like superior people. Charity balls are a good example. People aren't just giving to help, they expect to have some sort of public aggrandizement. I wish there were a way to give people aid without it being abused or offending the receiving peoples because, let's face it, the idea that you can't live without someone else's money is a huge punch to the ego. It's means according to society, you are an unworthy person. It's my opinion this is why people resort to stealing. Perhaps, in their mind what they're doing takes skill and then that means they "worked" for their money. Anyway, my point is that narcissism can be found in anywhere. Stay away from people that enjoy dehumanizing others.

[@tubegor]

Very wise advice. Thanks!

[@BEYOUTOTHEFUL]

wow, so timly for me, i reconnected with a girl friend after 10 year no contact, back then i knew nothing about narcs. after weeks of talking i was very vulnerable last week and called her to ask for help about something and talk, she acted happy to do it, it took quite a while for me to explain things, since we had a 10 yr gap, after time and sharing such hard things for me, she become verbally mean even insulting called the things, i shard with her Drama. these were things to do with my fathers death and then she started disagreeing with my take n things, even though she was not there anyway, she began arguing with me when i was sharing what happened and was wanted to get some help with some important decisions, i need to make about some things in my life, at one point she even called my situation stupid but quickly apologized for it. so was incredibly insensitive to me and just down right mean, when i tried to call her on it, she started this rant on (if dont agree with you( about side things, her losing track of the bigger topic, the hurtful bigger things, it was if she was looking for things to fight with me about, i found this shocking while she played it out on me, and so on) this was a sacred sharing on my part her not agreeing with things that happened in my life and, it was so hurtful (like she was refusing to give me tenderness and the support i asked for that she agreed to. She turned it into a fight about agreeing with her about a minor, side note thing, by the time i got to the height of the issue in which i was seeking his help and guidance and posed it to here, she said absolutely nothing.. so i then said think about it and let me know your thoughts later... She never did then wrote me after 5 days of silence asking me what was wrong and if i was o-k, i then wrote her back and said i did not talking was helping me and was seeking prof. counseling and did not want to talk about anything. So she just basically after all of this vulnerable sharing i did,. she ignored me and pretended she did nothing hurtful while i was sharing and never gave me feedback on all the sharing i did. It was then i understood why i had cut of from her 10 years back, so i cut again, i hate to call her a narc. but she was so mean, the evidence she showed me, is overwhelming... Your video was so timely for this, i am still regretting my sharing all i did with her, it is as if she has no feeling for tht things i had gone threw and further her in my face ignorance of the comfort i was seeking and even had asked for.. I am done, people who are like this are so hurtful. Not to brag but i sent flowers to her for her birthday and some nutrients for her health, i asked for some feedback and support and she could not wait, it seemed to invalidate and fight with me, in my vulnerable state, i will never look to her for anything again, i see she is unkind and enjoys the power trip. now i remember why i let her go years ago. Your video helped me today. Thank you, you were on the money for me, this helped me. god bless you. Angela in Mt.

[@antiochiaadtaurum3786]

Self-aware narcissists should be free to say they are as such. Understanding around this whole area is lacking. Society does not have the programs in place to help people cope - be they Narcissists or empaths or whomever. We all suffer - we are not understood.

[@setufe1]

How a person treats you has everything to do with them. Their past experiences paint their perception. I always ask this question to illustrate this point: Would Mother Teresa and Hitler treat you the same way? The answer is that they wouldn't because they're different people. People are mean because of unresolved hurt, fear, etc. It has NOTHING to do with you. That's one thing I learned years back, so if someone is mean, I know it's not my problem. Narcissists are on a whole other level though. A regular person with past pain might react badly to you, but it's not intentional, but this is not true for a narcissist (some of the time). I have found out, inadvertently, that my N ex, was deeply wounded by things: sexual abuse, bullying, abandonment...I have never deliberately poked fun at the things he is deeply insecure about since learning of these things. I love God too much to return evil for evil. However, he has reacted very badly to innocent statements or joking, and that's how I found out about all of these insecurities. In these times, he reacted by being mean to protect himself. At other times, though, I know he deliberately stirs the pot. You can see a gleam in their eyes when they do. It's this little flicker of light, and you can see the wheels turning. It's pathetic, but they do it. I grew up with a N father. I didn't always know my ex was a N, but since learning that, I was like, "Ahh, I know the game. I grew up with a person who did it the best." Thank you a million for these videos.

[@louiselemieux]

So much insight.O.k. I will read that article.

[@ilae.williams7675]

Without a doubt, in some cases, Narcississm is genetic...

[@mstep4553]

My sister actually confided in her sister in law about how she was the victim in her marriage breakdown where her husband was the sister in law's brother. She was so convinced that the sister in law was on her side and her new best friend, in narcissistic logic they believe that everyone will believe they are the victim. even though they had never gotten on well during the previous years. Well that sister in law is a supreme narcissist and told all the information she gained to her brother and all the rest of her family. Anyone else could tell that this is what would happen, except a narcissist who only sees this as an opportunity for more attention.

[@ameryek.9607]

This video brings up the important, if not key, question. What is the main difference/s between Narcs and evil people? Especially if the effect is similar? Here I do not mean merely unkind, inconsiderate people, but actively bad-- causing injury, injustice, death? This poses what is called an existential question. So I'm throwing this out there.

[@nikakrapez2593]

Narcissists are evil-evil is a choice to project your badness into the other

[@DesertlizzyThe]

Agree and your life experiences of street wise education, school of hard knocks, has probably made you better & more knowledgeable steering your path than an educated no common sense elitist college ace. Lol! Your very astute, & articulated at interpreting your thoughts, & driving points home by conveying so others can understand clearly.. Even the innuendos.

[@Scary_asmr101]

This is my all time favorite of your videos

[@eaglehaslanded2979]

Boy, makes sense to me. I agree. I needed this video today! I have wondered for years why this particular narcs loves to watch blood and guts war movies. I mean lots of them. He would almost always cry while watching them. Just like he had empathy. But as soon as it was over he is always his regular narc self. This had me wondering what's up with that? So it just dawned on me in my healing process. He must realize that he doesn't possess these emotions on any level normally. So he enjoys war movies so he can feel something. Because normally he feels nothing, nothing at all. Nothing accept fight back every second. Which reminds me of Temple Grady, a women who has autism. She can't and would not accept touch. She freaks out if touched. This by the way is just what some people act like on the autism spectrum. Of course not all autistic people do that. But she was able to go to college and at college she noticed she could tolerate touch in a VERY controlled atmosphere. So she made herself a touching machine in her dorm room. She would put herself in the machine and control the amount of pressure she could stand. She enjoyed herself being squeezed, but only in the touching machine. Reminds me of the narc who cries at war movies. Sorry this is so long. I could be just over thinking it too. I'm not an expert. Anyway, doesn't change anything for the narc. He still acts like a demon.

[@eudoxus3]

Division by zero is undefined. and multiplication of zero by any value is always stuck at zero. What I mean here is insecurity and vulnerability is not defined for a narcissist because they have no introspection only manipulative value which depends on impressions. So the loss of manipulative power is not insecurity but a selfish rage due to loss of greedy appetite.

[@wazupsam]

The article clearly explains in detail almost everything about "MEANNESS". Please read it viewers.

[@davidpascoe6703]

Very insightful! Thank You

[@maureens100]

I was always nervous and afraid around him...always

[@mareeadgemis1637]

Great video and well explained

[@ldjt6184]

I would read the article if I could find it.

[@ldjt6184]

+Aaronthehays Thank you :-)

[@kevinhornbuckle]

Instead of seeing it as meanness, look for the functionality of social aggression. It is almost as if a sociological theory of attachment pathology is needed. The normal bonds of humanity are stretched to the breaking point leaving many, many people abandoned and vulnerable.

[@davefischer2344]

I think it's interesting that you mentioned insecurity, I've never thought about it that way. Narcissist also have a sense of empowerment, they want to use their ego to their advantage. But don't let that bring you down, use it to empower you.. Such a great video =) good job

[@HoroscopodelGranPig]

hey... do you think a sociopath narcissist is also afraid of been alone?

[@melissaMreid]

First I'll say that thru the *(original)* narc, the father of my children who hasn't seen them in going on FOUR YEARS NOW (HALLELUJAH! LOL) but, ab a year stuck in the "pity me cycle " finally, i had this huge ephifany in my life, started to become a huge HUGE RESEARCHER & effectually a GREAT TRUTHER THAT CAN RELATE TO OTHERS WELL, after finally knowing what i had BEEN battling was, thanks to UN.....SCOTT instantly reached my subcncs & quickly i learned a (WHOLE WHOLE) lot! but not once did i realize i had also been a LIFE LONG (UNTIL I WAS 35)& AT THAT TIME I STARTED TO SEE THE DYSFUNCTION & I RESEARCHED TO SEE JUST EXACTLY HOW DEEP (OR FAR) IT WENT IN (MY DAD'S SIDE FAMILY.....WOW, DID NOT TAKE REAL LONG TO START SEEING EXACTLY HOW IT'S ALWAYS BEEN (TO MY DUMB, SLEEPING MOLDED MIND & BY THE INSTALLATION BY TOTAL FEAR & SUBMISSION & THE REPETICIOUS & VERBALLY, EXTREMELY EMOTIONALLY, SPIRITUALLY, FLAMBOYANTLY UNDER COVER (T)RIDICULOUS FINANCIALY ABUSIVE FATHER THAT NO MATTER WOULD ALWAYS GAIN MY MOMS SIDE, & MUCH THE SAME, ALL THE WOMEN HAVE BEEN EMPATHS (WITHOUT TRUE EMPATHY THOUGH) ON BOTH sides up to THREE GENERATIONS, NO ONE EVER BROKE THE CYCLE! ,I BECAME CLEAN OFF ALL GUILT OR ANYTHING AB HIM THIS PAST APRIL, COMPLETLY. & SCOTT has given me the insight thru each "adventure" or experience whichever you should call it, he's very informative, it (once again) is bringing me the info to create the solutions for my (NOW) HOMELESS CHILDREN OF 3 YOUNG ONES & MYSELF, after he choked & attacked me 1 week ago please PLEASE SEE MY PAGE, & I WANT TO BE ABLE TO USE my Gifts that I've been Blessed with ALONG with the knowledge thru expressive experiances that (my children & i have gained thru all of this!)

[@ottirfos]

The link to the article, please?

[@mallory5872]

Why do you hate to call it a game? It's so accurate.

[@tiffanyparks7914]

All of this makes sense.

[@johnfourteentwentyseven2773]

My husband is it extreme narcissist He is very dangerous he’s mean because of fear.

[@johnfourteentwentyseven2773]

The Type of fear, is security for his outward appearance, for him to keep covering up his lies of a plastic wealthy life! - when it’s Vanity And grasping in the wind. -Ecclesiastes 🍓 it’s dangerous to uncover a narcissist lies! -and to replace it with the truth.

[@springjackson2354]

Hi Scott. Thank you for all your hard work and your videos. Can you please make a video on narcissistic hoovering? Do all narcissist hoover and is there such a thing as being free of them for good? If they do not hoover, does it mean they are not narcissists?

[@theempathicsupernova6865]

Mine doesn't hoover....ever. I have a cerebral, no affectionate type and other than when he is waiting to be fed, I do not exist. There is a range or spectrum with narc's. Some characteristics they all have, such as boldly lying to your face, then daring you to contradict them. Other characteristics determine what "type"... some are over the top in affection while others have no affection at all. (I need to add that any affection from a narc is not real.) Hope this helps.

[@gavingleemonex3898]

You have to choose your words carefully when dealing with someone who's run afoul of narcissists. Otherwise oneself will get rowdy.

[@KnoYourWorth]

I absolutely know that my ex is a sociopathic narcissist he has all the traits everyone of them however where it seems to be inconsistent is he loves being alone every things about him and he has addictions to sex gambling three DWIs but he would preferred to be alone does that go against the true narcissist?

[@MrSuperbluesky]

Thank you

[@zoeewee]

Please post the link to the article

[@AyishaHishma]

there are two kinds of narcissism: grandiose narcissism and vulnerable narcissism. i think you are talking about the secomd one.