Why people SELF-SABOTAGE, or: hold me back, bro

[@psychacks]

Self-sabotage is a fascinating and complex behavior. In general, self-sabotage is a defense strategy that protects the ego's illusory self-regard from having a disconfirming experience with reality. It also provides a sense of safety by both creating limiters on action and offering self-saboteurs some degree of control. As painful as it is to fail, it is even more painful to do so on someone else's terms...potentially after trying your best. Self-sabotage allows people to maintain a certain self-image as compensation for an objective lack of success. Social Media Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622 LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/ Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993 Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community: kzbin.info/door/SduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXwjoin Book a paid consultation: oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations Sponsor an episode: oriontarabanpsyd.com/sponsor-an-episode Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world. #psychology #growth #truth

[@jameshuntington440]

I can tell this is exactly what I am doing. Can you make a video about how to address this issue?

[@janco333]

@@jameshuntington440 So you are only going to stop self sabotaging once there is a new video...

[@amarzayaavarzed5470]

@@janco333, dear, I think he is trying to learn from the best in order to not self sabotage any further. I guess. We’re all here to learn.

[@amarzayaavarzed5470]

This is the best explanation of our unconscious mind. Thank you. It clarified my confusion about conflict. Glad, someone is knowledgeable and most importantly able to express it in words. Since my English is my second language I always feel short of words to express myself in complicated situations.

[@godishere4]

Hi Orian, I wanna ask, does this work with women too, like could this be a reason why women cheat on "Betas" and "Nice guys"? I.e. The assurance and safety provided by these men cause the women to "take more risks" e.g. have an affair with a chad, alpha or what not Thank you

[@norrisheckwine7439]

No one has ever oppressed, demoralized or undermined my success and happiness more than I have done.

[@omarnaasan3536]

Same here, my friends think i am crazy when I devalue myself in-front of them, although they do look up to me

[@randymoyan7871]

Me 100%

[@danielfcastro]

Same here.

[@stevenkovler5133]

I feel I did that with my second wife !

[@matthewbowers6178]

First to self sabotage

[@janco333]

First response to self sabotage

[@stillawake76]

If it wasn’t for you, I’d be first to self sabotage

[@doms5755]

I self sabotaged myself to let you be the first to self sabotage bc I didn’t want to be the first

[@eats_markilo]

"If you're liking what you're hearing..." Well, I just had one of my darkest flaws, which has held back my personal development for the past few years, explained to me in such an eloquent way. So, no, I did not like what I heard, but I am grateful for the enlightenment.

[@kashemvai5025]

Most people are not looking for happiness, they’re looking for not be unhappier than they are now

[@JR-lo2ei]

I'm gathering that self-sabotage is a method to avoid coming in contact with reality in order to protect one's emotions. This resonates with me, having experienced (and regretted) it.

[@maelstrom2313]

It took a lot of effort to click on this video because I've been guilty of this all my life. I'm glad I did, though. You have a masterful way of explaining the problem and making the solution self-evident. I guess it's finally time to embrace the pain and remove the safety pads around my ego. Let's see what I can really achieve when I'm no longer holding back.

[@davidlawrence8085]

yeah....me too. Its a matter of really growing up. So many projects ...stating them is fun and exciting ...finnishing them takes one to another realm.

[@pecoguy]

"'Auto-sabotage is losing on your own term"

[@BurnTchickenNugget67]

Help

[@Firerose101]

When you're good you tell everybody. When you're great, they tell you.

[@lashedbutnotleashed1984]

And when you suck, nobody says anything.

[@godfunk]

This reminds me of the meme where the two dogs bark at each other from opposite sides of a gate. The gate rises and they chill out immediately

[@Twisted4k]

That's the best and most eye-opening explanation I've heard about why people sabotage themselves. I always had a hunch it was something along the lines of this; we fear failure, so we don't try. "If I never try, there's still A CHANCE that I would've succeeded!"

[@JOATiDetermined]

Well said, do you have a video or thoughts on what can be done to correct such behavior for the better? The stability that would come from not being burdened by this pattern of behavior over and over again would be very much welcomed!

[@KH-mq4rg]

This channel is amazing, just found it, can’t stop watching! I love the short videos, succinct, no fluff, no emotional nonsense, good points, well stated. Thank you so much! Helping bring clarity, to uncomfortable emotions, ideas, and relationship situations.

[@ved.shankar]

Just want to say, I get more value from your channel than most "productivity" and "self help channels" Thank you for sharing :)

[@BreKali]

I think people who come to KZbin looking for answers on self sabotage, are really seeking the answers to things like “why do I give up on my goals,” “why do I hurt the people I love with patterns I seemingly can’t help that I do,” and things like “how can I keep cultivating the good habits? Why is it so easy for me to quit on the things I know benefit me,” etc. I had a hard time for years, keeping up a consistent workout routine and I would say “it’s bc I self sabotage.” When I saw your description here I was like “is this what people are searching for? Why they look for fights? It perplexed me. Do you think you can make a video about the psychology on why we quit healthy habits, go back to unhealthy ones when deep down we don’t want to, and how to break the unhealthy patterns?

[@pski3]

THANK YOU SO MUCH, right out of my mind, yes Doc. Please could you make a video on this... This is the real self sabotaging.

[@markussteiner-yy8ty]

This guy has restored my faith in psychology

[@basantidevi2305]

Go to real therapy and you’ll see the difference. This is nothing compared to ground you cover with a good therapist privately.

[@cherubin7th]

I have no such illusions to protect. I just feel I will fail anyway.

[@nathanbarnhart7823]

So true. Used to fight professionally and made some friends with people who really know how to fight. We never hold them back. It’s always (in hushed tones) holding the other guy back, “this isn’t the one.”

[@cliffthecoolcat]

When I was younger I built a reputation from these *tough guys." They singled me out because I looked weak and was passive about confrontation. I was thin and preppy but I was from abusive family.. I became undefeated but I think it's because mouthy tough guys and bullies are actually weak people..

[@purpmint3116]

Dear Doc: Please, please, please do us all a favor and publish the transcripts to all of these talks on your website. Your content is so utterly fantastic and nutritionally dense that I always feel like I want to go back and listen to it again after listening to it once, so that I can absorb it and then implement it in my life. But, I need to make this easier for myself by just having your scripts on hand at all times. I see that you read from some script in all of your videos. So, those notes have got to be lying around somewhere. Please share them. Thanks. P.S.: I think you're the best psychologist on KZbin, period. You easily deserve 70M subscribers, not 70K like you have right now. I mean that sincerely. I take all of your work to heart. Even though I'm 35 and I've made all of the mistakes you caution against, I finally feel like I can fix things in my life now.

[@danielfcastro]

470k right now, his growth is well deserved. Will surely hit 1 million soon.

[@mendesnicolas06]

I would add that people who are self sabotaging engage in riskier behaviour to get rid of the guilt. Deeply, they feel that they are cheating themselves and just making excuses to avoid the potential harsh reality; therefore they are ashame.

[@paulborneo7535]

Most valuable insight ever. Thanks I needed that.

[@lifesroi8950]

This explains accurately why I self sabotaged myself

[@ayodike]

This is GOLD, thank you.

[@PharmacyTechLabs]

I don't need to self-sabotage, I have enough people trying to hold me back. Haha! I'm currently in a program which I'll finish towards the beginning of July! Finishing this program gives me national certification and the job opportunities will be amazing! As a gift to myself i'm spending about two weeks in Monteral Canada. Everyday I'm busting my butt working , going home and studying only a few more months of torture baby!

[@lashedbutnotleashed1984]

Typical woman. You managed to make it all about you.

[@cdanielh128]

I just shared yesterday some of your videos with someone close to me who is struggling with cyclical self destructive life patterns. It was about women vs men communications and understanding and I last week got him to finally agree to get back into therapy for his PTSD and depression. He loved what he saw in your videos but following that I told him I saw a constant trend of self destruction in his life. This video is perfect timing. Keep up the great work!

[@vonkunstler884]

Bro, I am so glad I took the time to really listen to your videos! One of my favorite new channels at the moment. Thanks for the content 🙏

[@Jason-se1ke]

This was so helpful. Thank you for putting this out there.

[@xomox5316]

So true, not giving it your all because deep down don't want to risk the ego damage of giving it your all and failing. When you learn to accept the possibility of failing actually do fail, learn from it then you really grow. Did not learn that lesson until my mid 30s, but when i did career skyrocketed retired at 42 living good because of it. Easy concept to understand very very hard to adopt as really looking at your weak and strong points honestly and adjusting based on that is not fun, because once you see your weak points the hard work begins to improve yourself.

[@alequ83]

I never heard better explanation than this about this topic!

[@phill8712]

There is so much I learn in such a short time from your videos. Thank you for making these.

[@deyeland]

My ex self sabotaged our relationship. She "shut down and withdrew" when she was going through something closing me out and putting up barriers in the process. Never knew how much it would hurt to be pushed away when my love was denied by someone I was with.

[@liborrajm2916]

Absolutely spot on from my experience! Amazing insight into the behavior which should be discussed more openly, I think. Depending on what happened in one's life and what number it did on our ego and sense of security, maintaining as much control as we can over when and how we fail, becomes so important that some of us may actually fully understand the bahavior we exhibit including the reasons behind it and yet struggle to find an alternative approach (which really does not exist.. healthy acceptance of reality has to include accepting failures and generally being confronted with one's self image being challenged by other people and circumstances).

[@33asiamonet33]

This is what Chris Rock says about slapgate. Thanks so much Dr. Taraban!

[@altarstone9105]

WOW! Very insightful. Thank you for this

[@valreck2986]

Learned something new about myself today. Thanks for the video 🙏

[@tonyjames1980]

Thanks for this video, very much needed

[@MatthewReiser123]

Enlightenment.

[@JAdams-jx5ek]

Well explained.

[@billgnansounou]

I truly enjoy how you beautifully deliver information in the upmost eloquent and concise manner. How do one gets to communicate like you. Any tips will be appreciated

[@refkifernanda]

mastering the topic

[@Blk.scientist]

Chatgpt

[@dwdwone]

Acting and public speaking is my guess.

[@larryrobx]

@@dwdwone No need to guess. That's precisely Dr. Taraban's career background, which he's discussed in considerable detail in other episodes.

[@grinningchicken]

Would fear of success or fear of the results of success be included in self sabotage?

[@redrodlrowon]

Incredible. 7 minutes to save humanity from itself.

[@erlkonigschubert]

Thanks doctor orion taraban I love ur contents please dont stop making videos

[@primaballerina84]

Once been there! Once done that.

[@gaudnorm]

Wow this is the first time I hear about this. Food for thoughts. Exactly when I was questioning why I didn't succeed in life, more then I do. ...

[@stevoblevo]

nice, you just touched on the argument I make as to why they should play football without pads. Safer.

[@huveja9799]

It's like a "second grade Moral Hazard", we engage in a new risk, because we know that in that way we are covered from the consequences of another risk (in self-sabotage the other risk is that our ego discovers the reality of the scope of our abilities or characteristics) ..

[@wyattworld47]

Highly informative channel. Congrats on your success, you’ll have a million subs soon

[@waynebrewer6830]

Thanks!

[@adamswierczynski]

Great metaphors. Really impactful.

[@skylarspisak2017]

This was hard to listen to, but grateful for the lesson

[@50maxmen]

Great video! Been getting back into dating and was undergoing something hard to put my finger on. I'm glad you shared your thoughts here

[@davidlawrence8085]

in summary: Self-sabotage is a way for folks to protect their egos ...by avoiding contact with reality.

[@honeyflower7754]

A far better and more succinct explanation, thank you.

[@modickens1272]

Very good analysis. It's a fear based reaction to potential failure. You see this in so many forms. Starting an argument with a crush if you know they don't like you ' that way'. Getting drunk before an exam. So if you fail it was alchohol not poor intellect that caused it. Overeating so if someone doesn't like you its because you're obese versus having personality flaws. Self sabotage is probably the most common form of passive aggressive behavior towards those around us on a completely subconscious level. It let's society judge us without us feeling as much guilt about it than if we failed solely for ourselves versus self induced external factors or behaviors.

[@larryrobx]

Your several real-life examples, above, helped me further grasp this concept, Mo. Thx.

[@modickens1272]

@@larryrobx no problem Larry, glad to help. Thanks!

[@pvtruestmusic]

What about chronic pain and self sabotage, please help me and make topic on that and how to deal with it. I can’t solve the pain probably from a blow to stomach in car accident. But I’m functional

[@pvtruestmusic]

I work , not bad looking but I have emotional issues that stem from the pain(discomfort) I have on a constant. How would you deal with moving forward ? I have been for a few years but I’m not my “best self”

[@dserebrennikov]

This video provides a very intresting insight into the nature of self-sabotaging. I wonder why self-sabotageours actually get involved in risky behaviors like alcoholism or withdrawal? Is it some form of overcompensation for avoiding the direct confrontation with reality?

[@bradbecker8982]

Everyone that self sabotages, in every scenario, does so due to a lack of self esteem. Usually because they hold self sacrifice to be the moral ideal, like Christianity demands.

[@Eagles52655]

Thanks

[@Soldier-yu2ml]

Good take

[@utarian7]

But would love if you do another video on how to STOP self sabotage

[@blueboytv9191]

Yep, that's me

[@rh4475]

Incredible m8

[@jb84999]

What’s the best way to counteract this? Recognizing, then what?

[@mreese8764]

More concrete examples would help. How is it different from having given up already?

[@GabrielBacon]

It’s like I always need a fire lit under my ass. When things are good, I’m bored & self sabotage. Then things are precarious & I become laser focused, no longer bored.

[@danielclee1]

Love this channel... but I didn't get this episode. Somehow I thought self-sabotage is because we fear success more than failure and that the ego gets to maintain homeostasis with the added perverse joy of being able to still complain about one's plight.

[@MeeCee5204]

"It's not that I can't, I just don't want to."

[@cocobololocoloco]

It fits my experience...though this started once my last parent died in a much bigger way.

[@marshallthomas2239]

Really interesting, and true, but it sounds to me like you’re assuming other people are the measure of our competency. How do we then handle the love and value we want to offer the world, but that the world doesn’t want?

[@EriPages]

1:01 - 1:09 is what we all want and what we all NEED to see more of 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@gordonosmundson3413]

The man held back is like that ferocious dog on a leash

[@trx3264]

damn, you're killing me here (reality is kind of hard to hear sometimes.)....I wish I would have known this earlier in life....😀

[@lightwarrior7856]

How can we help build resilience and insight in teenagers with a tendency toward self-sabotage (especially in the field of education)?

[@TheVonWeasel]

For me it's not about pretending I'm a destructive force. I already know the amount of damage I can cause. Unless I want to hurt more people I have to stop inflicting my presence on them

[@GodSavetheWest]

Where was the upshot? 😭

[@huzaifa5926]

Please make a video on how to increase competence and cultivate desire and aggression...

[@godishere4]

Hi Orian, I wanna ask, does this work with women too, like could this be a reason why women cheat on "Betas" and "Nice guys"? I.e. The assurance and safety provided by these men cause the women to "take more risks" e.g. have an affair with a chad, alpha or what not Thank you

[@znojnyj]

It may also be a way of accelerating the reality upon contact sometimes

[@AfsanaAmerica]

They don't want to realize something that's hurtful so they stay in denial and create walls of delusion. They process information mmaturely.

[@Abelius]

So, I get hooked some nights to videogames to protect my ego. Didn't see that coming.

[@dan.franco]

what about the fear of success? I heard a few years ago, that sometimes people self sabotage because of the fear they have to succedd.

[@scottfoster9452]

The first of the nine appraisals in Sun Tuz's The Art Of War, is the calamity of attack. In 99 percent of circumstances, to attack is an indication of weakness and will result in defeat for the attacker.

[@sarsary]

sometimes its scary when u absorb it in ur self , a lot of silly weird limits after every success pop up out of the blue .

[@lurkzie]

In other words it is the shadow self subconsciously sabotaging ourselves

[@MellyEscobar]

This really said For you🤣

[@arthursimsa9005]

Ok, but how do you correct your behavior and free yourself from these shackles?

[@adriandmochowski9391]

What's the solution?

[@davegrant7819]

Is denying the extent to which we personally self-sabotage a form of self sabotage?

[@fromafricaicame5909]

Some people don't feel worthy of success

[@ssznajder]

Is the ego something that should be protected, or is that a mistake? Would I become a better person if I sought out "contact with reality," even if that meant damaging my ego?

[@pitpitpit9948]

Good question. Having an inflated ego can be a big benefit in certain situations. Mainly showing confidence where competence is in demand. By having your ego aligned with reality, your lower confidence with respect to the competition, would be assumed by others as having lower competence. Perhaps creating a role for yourself to assume for different situations (I forget the term for it) while having your ego leveled is the ideal situation.

[@joebeta1837]

As a wuss myself all my life, when it comes to competition, especially social competition (i.e. talking trash, arguing with a loud mouth, debating an alpha male), I just quit. I make an excuse to walk away exactly as explained in this video.

[@taterbug70]

I have wondered what that is causing self sabotage. Also, you weren't there for me when I was growing up. I'm not angry because I'm about 18 or more years older than .

[@AlexKGameson]

👏

[@stevoblevo]

1:30 someone check me on this, but I think you want "act more aggressive" here, not aggressively. "act more aggressively" is how hard he is doing the process of acting not what he is portraying. A director might wish an actor to 'act more aggressively' even in a scene where the person is dying or being passive and calm. It's not modifying the role he is playing but rather how hard he's performing. All that said, it actually still works really well in that context too, since he's being very aggressive in his acting, just probably not what you meant; as a manipulative child crying would also be 'acting aggressively' in expressing hurt.

[@JoesCaribbeanVanLife]

My friends wouldn't hold me back, they'd join in. Lol. But i getcha.

[@eyeofchorus6313]

If you have low self-esteem, maybe success is scarier than failure.

[@randomstuff2650]

I would like to see your input on happiness or being happy. Some people say I just want to be happy and do things to feel happy, but at the end of the day, I don't see those people being happy because of activities Some people say if you find your purpose, you'll find happiness Some people say I find happiness in helping others. My question is, what is happiness? What's the best way to get lasting happiness and to be content in life?

[@human_4real]

Be authentic in all things, that will lead to true happiness

[@arsenal4444]

when searching for still, calm water, there is no correct way to push it and splash it around, you cannot force water to lay where you manually put it, you need to let the water be, then once the ripples pass it will be still

[@Leoo117]

We definitely can mess ourselves up when we focus on our fears. I think in that scenario though with the guy picking a fight, the self-sabotage was the fact that he started a fight, because, he could have gotten jail time and lost his job and went downhill due to that one decision to start a fight, or gotten serious injuries or possibly death. The guys holding him back was his safety net, because he didn't really want to fight deep down, but that part wasn't the sabotage. Self-sabotage comes from our own fears, and we make the things we focus on comes true. So if we focus on our fear, we will make that fear come true. The solution would be to actively change our focus to something else or something upbuilding for ourselves when we notice ourselves focusing on our fears. So if the guy starting the fight would have decided to stop focusing on how weak he feels, or how he doesn't care about anything, and changed his focus to how strong he is for making it to where he is, or how there are still things worth caring about including himself, he wouldn't have started that fight. In other words, he would be ok if he stopped focusing on his insecurities and started focusing on the truth.

[@keithunlimited]

I have a gigantic issue with trying to get my mom to move out of her house that she doesn't love and has my sister trapped with her. Every time steps are made to try to get her moved out, she brings up a ton of projects she'll never complete and it's kept them there for almost 20 years. How do you get someone out of that cycle?

[@konstipisti]

You see this when you put a fence between two small dogs.

[@edmilsoncarvalho646]

Hi Mrs. Taraban, look I love your videos, the fact that you say this arsh true without coming out has an idiot or sexist douche like most of the community that gives man advice. Ps: I would like to ask for a video about how to deal with toxic family members that you LIVE with. I have searched for one but it seems u haven't made one yet.